The Dr. John Delony Show - I’ve Married the Same Man 3 Times (Am I Crazy?)

Episode Date: December 12, 2025

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My husband and I, we've been together since high school. We've separated a few times and we've even divorced each other twice. So technically, we've been married to each other three times. Can I ever truly forgive him for being unfaithful? Have you ever heard me talk about the Twin Towers falling down? No. When it comes to marriage. Okay, so.

What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, talking to real people going through real life challenges. Thank you for joining us. There's a billion podcasts out there, and I'm glad that you are sitting with us. Pull up a seat, grab some drinks and some nachos, and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas, and talk to Stephanie. What's up, Stephanie? Hi. How's it going? It's okay. It's just going.

That means not good at all. What's up? What's up? So my question is a little bit of a, I guess, 22 years in the making, but I'll give you a little bit of backstory. So my husband and I, we've been together since high school, almost 22 years now. We separated a few times and we've even divorced each other twice. So we've technically been married to each other three times. Over 22 years? Yes.

Wow. Okay. Over the course of the years, we've faced a lot of struggles, including me having miscarriages, him being unfaithful multiple times, emotional abuse, we've had medical traumas with our children, one of them being carefied at multiple times, and being placed on life support at one point. Shortly after that, he was unfaithful again. My husband is a three-time war veteran who also struggles with PTSD.

In 2022, he attempted suicide, and he was hospitalized for about three months trying to deal with that. But it seems like over the course of the 22 years, it's just been one thing after the other. We now have five kids. Our oldest is almost 20, and our youngest is six months old. she was a complete surprise. Hey-oh. Good gosh. That's what you needed on top of all this was a six-month-old.

Yeah, exactly. But instead of feeling like joy, I feel that sometimes my husband blames me for having another baby, which is also painful. Yeah. I love him very much, and we've worked really hard to make our marriage better. We've done a lot of things to pour into our marriage. and I've forgiven him many times, but deep down I still have so much pain and hurt and anger. I carry a lot of resentment towards him, I guess. So my question is, like, can I ever truly forgive him for being unfaithful, you know, despite past hurts and, like, work past all that resentment?

Have you ever heard me talk about the Twin Towers Falling Down? no when it comes to marriage okay so um it's an analogy that i just love and actually use it everywhere the first time i heard it was from the great ester perral the marriage therapist out of um new york but she said when somebody cheats in a relationship and i've actually i think it's much bigger than that when you have a kid for the first time when you get a new job or you move or you lose a job whatever she described the changes in a marriage like the twin towers have when they fell when they were knocked down by terrorists and they fell, you couldn't sweep up all that steel and glass and wood

and rebuild those towers using the old materials. You had two choices. You could walk away and let nature take it back over. In the next 100, 200 years, it would, right? Or you can get in some professionals, you can excavate the whole thing and you can rebuild a new marriage. and it sounds like using that analogy over the last 22 years you guys have had one thing after

another after another after another yes and you've tried to rebuild your marriage a number of times which is which is right and good i've i've got 20 different marriages i've been married 23 years i've got 20 new marriages right we've for for various reasons but y'all have tried to rebuild it on top of the existing rubble Yeah. And so when you say you're really working on your marriage and you're doing, y'all are working together, what you haven't ever done is excavate the whole thing and start from bedrock, from dirt. Yeah. And until you do that, until you can honestly have a marriage where you can put your hurts on the table and say the things out loud, because you still can't do that. No. And he's not, he's not well.

Yeah, definitely not. And I'm not blaming him. He's just not. It's okay. I love him to death, man. And he's been through hell and back. But he's not well in a place where you could say, hey, this is how I feel. This is what's happened.

This is reality for me right now to where he could go. I hear that and hold it, right? He can't do that. And you can't do that. And so any work y'all do on your marriage is like trying to build a new building on top of a collapsed infrastructure. Yes. Okay?

And so the path forward for you, yes, you could actually dig through and work on resentment, on coming together, on building a new thing. But he would have to be committed to getting well and whole. And you would have to be committed, and both of you all have to be committed to excavating this whole thing out and creating a marriage where we can. can say the things that are true. And right now, y'all don't have that. No. You're both play, you both play defense in your house, right? Yes. You protect him from things that are going on inside your chest. He tries to protect you from the things going on inside his heart and his head.

Mm-hmm. And so he's got coping strategies, you've got coping strategies, and those strategies pull you both further and further apart. Yeah, I do. Instead of, we are having challenges and these things bring us closer together. Fighting conflict should be a point of connection for couples. And for you guys, because you all haven't excavated the whole thing, conflict is a point of separation for you all. Yeah, that's definitely true. And so the question I have for you is, what would it look like?

If you were to come home and say, hey, we have 500 kids, I've got childcare for them. I want us to go out for half a day and clear the whole calendar and let's pretend we're building a new marriage from scratch, from zero. How do we want this house to feel every morning when you wake up

when I get home, when you get home? How am I able to say I don't want to be intimate tonight? My head's full of all kinds of old junk. I'm not okay. How is he able to come home and say I had a really dark day it was tough for me to get out of bed

and here's what I would love from you today like what would his response be to that um I think now more than ever he's more open to things like that um I feel like his heart

has kind of softened um as our our older kids are getting older, you know, we feel that we've done all of this stuff and it's kind of messed them up. And I think that we feel the tug more than anything to make things right. Okay. But I don't, I guess I don't even know how that would feel because I don't think that we've ever

had that. Yeah. Yeah. do you think he would be would entertain it yeah i think i think that he would um lately he's been more willing than i have okay i've just kind of been very closed off and so lately he has been you know hey what do you want to do tonight let's spend time together and i'm just like go away well and think about those kind of questions that those are the gotmans call him bids that's that's That's his bid for connection with you.

And for you, that's like slow dancing on top of a collapsed building. Yes. Right? And so you get in this figure eight kind of dance where he pursues you, and you're like, look around. And then he feels rejected, and then he goes off. And then you're like, see, I knew he didn't like me or I'm not enough, or it's my fault. We had a baby. And then he tries to reconnect.

And you all just get in this dance. right oh yeah and so somebody if you if you haven't listened to the show very long i always say this somebody has to turn the lights on and turn the music off stop dancing and it usually takes one person there there's there's two big things here number one um if y'all are up for it and y'all can i know you got a little baby and it's it's it's complex valentine's day weekend this year i've got a money and marriage conference where we're literally this year going to go through how to rebuild your marriage whether it's great and you're ready for like and you've got a kid going off to college or whether it is just an ash because of infidelity or whatever we're going to walk you through

how to do it and you and your husband can be my VIP guest at that event okay okay if y'all want to come to Nashville it's a long weekend it may not work because you got a toddler and or you got a baby you got an infant um so it may be tougher and y'all may not have the money to fly yourself down here to Nashville or whatever but if you all want to come you can be my guest here okay that's number one And the whole weekend is about coming back together and rebuilding a new thing, right? The second part underneath this is you trying that out, clearing the deck,

and you look at him and say, I see a softening in you. I see your heart opening up and I feel myself after 20 years of having to keep this whole thing together, now that you're holding it, I'm feeling myself just wanting to let go and walk away from the whole thing.

yeah right and if you look at him and you say those things i see the changes you're trying to make and now i'm struggling i want to rebuild this thing from the ground up are you in yeah and see what he says to that and if he says i'm all in y'all are both going to need to go see somebody together see a counselor together and here's more important you're both going to have to decide what do you want your house to feel like and what must be true for that to happen? Yeah. And when I say, what do you want your house to feel like? I want you to feel like you can say anything that you need to say. Like, hey, we have this six-month-old kid and neither of us planned this. And by the way, new mom, it's okay to be really upset that you had a fifth

kid on accident. It's okay. You're not a bad mom. you're not you're not thank you it's okay because i know you're going to love this kid i know you're going to give this kid the world yes and it's okay that this was not in the plan at all and here we go again yeah definitely right and it's also okay that your four other kids every time you had a toddler is when your husband felt like he wasn't enough around the house and he went and did something that violated his values violated y'all's marriage values and you see this whole thing spinning up again. Oh, yeah. Right? That's definitely true. Yeah. Your body would be failing you if it wasn't sounding every alarm you have right now. It's been through this four other times. Yeah. Okay? That doesn't

make you crazy. That makes your body working perfectly. And for him to be like, I have messed up four times in a row. I don't want to do it this time. I'm going to be extra attentive, extra open, extra soft in my spirit. And you being like, dude, I'm nursing a six-month-old again. Get off of me. All that is normal, but normal is not going to cut at this time. We've got to excavate the whole site and build from the floor up. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So I want you to ask him if he's all in to rebuild from the floor up.

And I want you to be honest about the things that you need, which are food, shelter, right, and water. And what do you want from him? And I want you to be honest with him about you don't have these tools in your toolkit. yet and I want you to commit to getting these things these tools and what I what I mean by tools how to just sit with a six year old in color for a while mm-hmm without feeling like a failure which most dads do how to change a diaper when you don't think you're doing it right and so you feel like a loser and a failure and so you go to work and you as being able to hear from your wife who you love you all been married three times y'all keeps keep going around the

around here. This is amazing. And by the way, at some point, I want you all to have individual conversations, y'all on one side of a booth and your 20-year-old, your 17-year-old, your 15-year-old on the other side of the booth. And I want you to be honest. We didn't do a good job. We didn't love each other. We have told our older kids, you know, we have sat them down, especially after getting remarried us last time. Like, hey, you know, this is something that we wanted. do and we're sorry for all of the hurt but I feel like then things happen like we talked about and it just spirals again so here we are back in that same all right you know same routine you caught the spiral though you caught it and then you all commit to okay we're here we go we're

heading down we're just going to turn the music off we're going to turn the lights on we're going to come back to the table and by the way it seems like some huge thing And it is. Excavation's huge, but it starts in a little tiny step. So if you think about it, we got to excavate, we got to get some big trucks out here and some big front loaders and clean all this up. Okay, that sounds huge, but it happens scoop by scoop. Just piece of concrete by piece of concrete. What does it look like in a marriage? Every Sunday night, no matter what game is on, no matter where I've been, on what hunt I've been on, no matter how stressed we are, whatever. every Sunday night at 8 o'clock we sit down and we go over the calendar from the upcoming week we go over the budget for the upcoming week and we ask each other how can I love you this week it's that small scoop by scoop every morning every single morning we're both going to go do something that is good for our bodies which means the other person's going to have to

warm up a bottle while you're out walking or going for a walk or going for exercise or going for coffee with a girlfriend. You are going to have to get the other three kids ready while he's off exercising before he comes back home. It is these little bitty steps that add up over time with like compound interest that change everything. It's not this huge fall off a cliff and the huge shoot back up the mountain and then fall off the cliff. It is step by step by step by step by step. So here's a deal, Stephanie. I'm going to give you every tool I got in my toolkit to help you guys out. Number one, I'm going to give you a year to the Together app. It's my marriage app. It's just daily challenges that you can do for each other. You can do it by yourself. It's going to give you a

daily challenge to give to your spouse or y'all can link up and do it together. I'm going to give it to you for free for a year. Also, I'm going to give you my book, building a non-anxious life. I want you all to go through that book together and use it as a roadmap to create peace in your house. And this can be what y'all use at your breakfast. Okay. And I'm going to give y'all every dollar, which is the app to get your money right. And here's what getting your money right as a couple usually does. It forces y'all to have conversations once a week. It forces y'all to have conversations about values, what we're spending our money on, how much things cost, how much we owe, all these things that create stress storms inside of a house. And I'm going to give you all a couple of VIP

tickets to the money and marriage or Valentine's Day weekend. if y'all are able to get to Nashville. So I'm gonna give you every tool I got in my toolkit and it's gonna be up to you all, you and your husband, to say, okay, we got married a third time, we're not going back down that road, we're gonna stop it before we fall,

we start heading on hill. One of y'all has to have the courage to turn the lights on, turn the music off, go to breakfast, clear the deck and say, all right, we're gonna build a new marriage from the floor up, are you in? And hopefully he says, I'm all in. We're gonna talk about hurt,

We're talking about pain. We're going to talk about loss. And then we're going to go do the next right things to clear this thing out and to build something amazing and new. Thank you so much for the call, sister. I'm here to support you and your husband anytime you all need. Call me anytime. All right, when we come back, a man wonders how to stop feeling so insecure

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All right, let's roll out to H-Tone and talk to Sam. What up, Sam? Hey, Dr. John. How are you doing? I'm doing great, brother. How are you? Honestly, it's pretty good day. Pretty good day.

Outstanding? In Houston, it's dropped in temperature below like 80 degrees. Whoa, it's a blizzard. It's a blizzard. Basically winter. Yeah, man. That's where I grew up, man. Those below 80 days are magic days, man.

It's awesome. What's up, man? That's right. Yeah. So, man, I feel like I've just been feeling really, trying to deal with insecurity at work and with my friendships. Tell me about insecurity. What does that mean?

So, she'd give you a little context, I guess. Back in, I was in high school. I was, you know, diagnosed with OCD, and that has taken many forms over the years and with, you know, great therapy and meds, like, I'm in a really good place now. How extreme is yours? Well, when I was first diagnosed, it was really bad, you know, washing my hands until they were, you know, bleeding. Okay. And it was, it was, it was really, really rough. What about the thoughts?

So you had high compulsion. What about thoughts? Yeah, and Tristan thoughts. Yeah. It was, it was pretty intense, and it was just like kind of feeling out of body. Like there was another voice in my head. Yeah. Just kind of telling me things to do that I couldn't really avoid.

And once I got like one thing under control, it felt like the next thing took over and it latched itself onto my face for a while, just telling me I wasn't good enough or I wasn't, you know. Yeah. there was just many ways that it kind of took over and one by one I just kind of tackled them through the years and now it's just man I'm really grateful I just feel like I'm in a I am in a better head space I just feel like I have a better understanding of that OCD voice yeah can I tell you this that's one of my diagnostics and and from way back in the day right and mine wasn't as extreme as years it was different but there is something about feeling like you can't trust your own body

that is underneath all that's terrifying right yeah it is because if you can't trust you how can the world can a can a girlfriend trust you or how can an employer trust you how can your family trust you if you don't trust you right yeah it's exhausting exactly right and so I want to tell you I'm proud of it dude I'm proud of you for grinding it out slowly but sure yeah I really appreciate that it is I mean, yeah, they're part like that, but that is, that is true.

I mean, it is, it's very, it's very exhausting. I mean, I just, I wonder sometimes if someone were to plug my brain to their head at me. No, dude, you don't, nobody, trust me, nobody needs to know the thoughts going on in our heads on a loop, right? But what's important is that once you can separate yourself from that voice, realizing, oh, that's not me, that's a voice in my mind. That, to me, is step one of victory, right? Yeah. It's amazing. Absolutely. So where are these feelings of insecurity, or let me change that question, take feelings off of the table. Yeah.

What is proof of you're not good enough at work? I think at work, it's maybe less about what's happening at work. I feel like I'm doing pretty well in my job. I just, I fall really quickly into spirit of comparison with my peers. and just like, you know, we all graduated college, you know, and now we're moving on to this next stage of life where everyone's starting to get, like, money. And it's like, wow, man, like what they're doing at their job is maybe more impressive or more, requires more, like, intellect, you know,

than maybe what I'm doing. And I just feel like maybe I could be doing more. I don't I don't know it's it's less maybe specifically with my job and more with like my friends like I have the best friends in the world I have the best best guys I'm getting married actually in March and so I'm super stoked about that and these these guys are all going to be standing next to me and I mean I love them like brothers but I have found that I have found that lately the thing that I've been kind of hyper focusing on better for worse is like we're We rib each other a lot, right? I mean, it's just like, guys, it's just like our love language. It's just how I, that's just how I connect. It's just, we're just constantly, like, joking with each other. And I don't want to change the dynamic, but lately it's just, I feel like I have this reputation that's kind of like the idiot.

It's just, you know, it's just, I just think that I'm, I don't know. It's like, maybe all the jokes is like, it's just, I'm sensing a common theme where I'm just constantly, saying something dumb or I'm maybe not understanding something that they are and I'm sure if I told them this they would all be like oh my bad dude like we had no idea but I don't know if I want to do that I don't want to change the dynamic because I want to I want to be able to give it and take it yeah you know what I mean yeah so I think it's I don't have two PhDs because I'm the smartest guy in the room. I have two PhDs because I've always felt like the dumbest guy in the room. And I was constantly for years desperate for someone to tell me that I was smart, pathologically desperate. And so I

want to tell you, whatever you think you're going to go achieve to get that sense, you can't catch it. And it wasn't until I cross that what third finish line from a master's degree to a doctorate to another doctor that finally I was like all right this isn't the problem

the problem is I don't like myself and I am casting my own judgment on myself into the hearts and minds of my closest buddies yeah and in the same way that you

would never because you probably have friend that's super anal retentive, right? That's like a nerd, like super list maker. And you got one buddy that's just kind of like dumb as a box of hair, but's making a ton of money, right? You got that friend, too? Yeah.

All right. You would never say something with the intent of hurting them. Right, of course. But you would definitely say something to poke and rib at them, right? Mm-hmm. And my guess is they feel the exact same way about you, the difference is what you go looking for in the world you are sure to find, as Brunei Brown says.

And you are desperate to find people to prove to you that you're as lousy as you look in the mirror and think you are. And so you hear jokes and connection from your guy buddies as truth because it confirms the story that you already have about yourself,

which is there's something wrong with you. that somehow you're not enough. Yeah. And I want to tell you, that's just not true, man. Yeah. Like when I hear you talk, I hear an absolute fighter who's going to be one of the most compassionate co-workers and what business do you work in?

I'm a financial consultant. Okay. Oh my gosh. Okay. You are going to be one of the most compassionate people when guys like me show up at your door freaked out about the world imploding. Right? Yeah.

You're going to rise through the ranks of that job so fast, not because you're great with math. A, I can do that nonsense, but because you know how to sit with exhausted, fried, terrified people because you've been there. Yeah. It usually takes a while for the market

to catch up to that sort of relational person. yeah yeah and so here's what you and I both know we share this together that our feelings are very big and very loud and they most often don't tell us the truth fair yeah okay so cool

we have that data point that's awesome and so what's important for guys like me and you to do is to go do the next right thing to ask when our feelings get really loud to be direct to their questions in a kind way. And three, find places where we can serve other people because that changes the voice and changes our internal default setting that we are dumb and losers to,

maybe not the smartest guys in the world, but we can sit with hurting people. We can sit with people who need support and care and love because we've been there. Is that fair? Yeah, no, that's very fair. Would you say, and I mean, this could be the O.C. voice talking, but would you say that there's merit and me? I feel like I've been overthinking a lot of my conversations now with my friends because I don't want to say stuff to them that is hurtful, you know? Whether as before I would be like, bro, you are actually the dumbest man I've ever met and we would laugh. But now it's like, I don't want to say something like that because I don't want them to take it. Like, I don't know. Like, where do I draw that line? I mean, that's just, That's just you growing up and being wise. And I'm going to tell you, I have shifted over the years from, I want to be the guy with

the joke pointing out the dumb thing, to I want to make sure every, I just got done with a 10-day run with some of my oldest friends in the world. I'd speak in events all through Texas and into another state, and every step of the way, I stayed with friends, went to dinner with friends, old friends, went hunting with an old friend, Like, and I needed every one of them to know that I'm so proud of them that I love him and I'm grateful for him. And that's a shift for me. And can I also tell you that one of those guys that I stayed at his house with his family, he still goes by Fat John. That's his name.

And he still calls me Hyper John. So that didn't change. Our poking at each other doesn't change. but as you get older and you get wiser, you realize bids for connection don't have to be poke first, show up second. It can be, hey, dude, I love you first. And the old nicknames are going to stay.

This is just you getting wiser, brother. And so if you feel a sense of, I'm still one of the guys, I'm still want to hang out, these are still my rider. These guys are going to stand by me in my wedding and hold me accountable for the rest of my life. amazing and it's okay to say hey before we do this i want each one of you to know what you mean to me and i'm going to write it out i'm going to read it to you that'd be amazing yeah so that's

where i would start with those relationships and at work listen insecurity this idea of um Kelly, what's it called when you, I just lost it. It is, oh, imposter syndrome. I just lost it. I felt you just channeled it into my head, so thank you for that. Imposter syndrome, it's simply the fear that other people are judging you as harshly as you're judging yourself. Stop. And if you got OCD, those judgment voices get loud and they get repetitive and they get on a loop.

Everybody I know judges themselves way harsher than anybody else judges them. Way harsher. and so the path forward is not to think your way out of this thing but to take the next right action take the next right big step i'm really feeling myself not wanting to clown on my buddies anymore i just want to tell them that i love them cool do that and if they don't want to hang out with a guy that celebrates them then that then that relationship has kind of come to its end my guess is they'll do the same for you. And if you get tired of people piling up on you and piling up on you, ask one of them,

pull them aside, go grab a drink, get some coffee, and just say, you think I'm stupid? And they'll be like, no, you're the smartest guy, no, that's why we make fun of you. That's why we give you a hard time. Or, yeah, dude, you say the dumbest things, but that's why we love you. And you can get some of that confirmation one-on-one. In a big group, everyone's going to pile up and be silly. Sam, I'm hearing an absolute rock star. I'm hearing a guy that is about to get married

who's nervous about getting married which you should be and excited which you should be I hear a guy that's transitioning from high school guy to college guy to now a grown-up guy and you're going to see some friends make a bunch out of the gate and not out of the gate

and you're going to have friends that lose jobs you'll lose jobs, you'll get jobs this is just that next stage and it feels unsettled and when you get unsettled your body goes to OCD some people's body goes to anxious some people's bodies go to

I don't want to get out from one of these blankets That's all that's fine. It's about what am I going to do next? What actions am I going to take? And so here's what I want you to do, Sam. I want you to write yourself a letter to one month after you're married you. And I want you to thank yourself for the things you started doing today. Congratulate yourself.

Write yourself a letter on what kind of husband you're going to be, the kind of person you're going to be. write yourself a letter about the actions you're going to take to be a great friend, great husband, great employee, and then we're going to keep revisiting that. And then I want you to write each one of your groomsmen a short note that you're going to read to them face to face in front of everybody. And you may be the guy that changes that dynamic. But don't lose ribbon. Don't lose laughing.

Just talking crap with your buddies. That is a great way to provide levity and joy. It's awesome. Thank you for the call, my brother. All right. When we come back, a man asks how to cope with the grief of his child leaving for college. The holiday season is here, and it's my favorite time of the year. With everything going on, I want you to ask yourself, who on your list deserves a gift that can help them relax this holiday season and beyond? I want you to get them cozy earth's bamboo sheets. These sheets keep you cozy without overheating you, and they help you sleep several. degrees cooler, perfect for winter nights and for waking up feeling refreshed. Cozy Earth has

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all right let's go out to detroit rock city talk to dave what's up dave hey dave i'm sorry hi john how you doing i'm good brother how are you man you're dave i'm john yes i'm sorry it's all good what's up all right paint you a quick picture i'm 45 years old i've been married to my wife for 24 years we have four kids they go in 19 16 11 and 8 we have absolutely clawed our way to get to where we're at right now in our life. We have tried to do everything intentional. You know, my wife is absolutely my best friend. She is my counter-shanagator.

We date weekly. We are best friends. We've done everything we can do to get to this point. And I am getting now to where, I guess, as a man, I'm starting to exhale a little bit. there's been several times her and I've been together and we just said you know what we pay we made it it's like we're we're there we're we're it's you can kind of start to see the fruit of your labor and um you know we both came from nothing I came from nothing and I've absolutely done everything in my power to get where I'm at I'm at I'm mostly talking about

you you said some amazing things about your marriage and your relationship are you talking about that is where you're exhaling or are you talking about financial Like you've scratched and clawed and you've made money or both. Okay. All encompassing. So we have, you know, I could have saved more money. I could have done a lot more things to put us in a lot better financial position where I'm at now. But we are in a good position now financially.

And we live a very, very fulfilling life. We're extremely active in our church. In fact, that's where we met 25 years ago. And we have, you name it, we have. We have houses and cars and trucks and RVs and ATVs and all. this stuff that, for lack of a better words, we're enslaved to. But nevertheless, we and we've taken vacations and we've tried to do everything right and we've been very good at it. Awesome. So I say that to say this. Now we're in a position in our life where, um, approximately 18

months ago, my oldest, my daughter, uh, left for college. Oh, gosh. That's the worst, dude. Well, I, I, I thought I was prepared. I thought I'm like, yeah, but it's, it's gonna be sad and you know you know and like yeah i get it but i want to tell you something the minute so we drove her to college uh she lives it's approximately four hours away so it's not too too far but yet it gives us the separation it gives her some freedom but yet she's not so far from home that she can't reach out and we can't be there if if she needs us so um so 18 months ago we dropped her off to college and literally as i got in a car and i'm driving home it hit me it hit me so hard and it was like it was like it's over it's over and i and i and and it's it's like i and it's like

i feel like personally that i missed it that i was so focused on clawing and scratching and getting there and getting there and the next thing and the next job and the next i mean you name and i did it whatever it took i got after it and my wife the same and i didn't miss anything physically i was in every school play, and I was at every birthday. It was very intentional that, but it was like a light switch. And we got home and her bedroom's empty and the spot where she parks her car is empty and that portion of the house is quiet. And I see photos of long time ago when my nucleus was there and I feel, and I can see

photos of myself in the background. And I'm like, you idiot, you missed it. And there's nothing I can do about it. And it's not just because of her, her leaving is what struck me. It's that it's over. And we were so hard. Hold on, hold on. You keep saying that.

What's over? So when I say it's over, I think their childhood, that kind of that, that nucleus that we formed, that thing that was always there when I came home and the noise and the chaos. And at the time, and I don't mean to be cliche, but, you know, it seemed. like a hassle. Yeah, totally. And looking back on it, and at the time, and I'm still do this, and it's part of my personality is I'm always

looking at the next thing. And I just feel like mentally I wasn't there. I didn't breathe it in. I didn't realize how great it was because I was too focused on the next thing. I was thinking, well, I do this. It's going to be that much better. And to be honest, that got us to where we're at. So it did bear some fruit. Hold on. Hold on.

You're exchanging guilt for grief. you're in an effort to and it feels like in an effort to avoid the fact not that it's all over and by the way it is it is it goes so fast dude so fast but it's also changing though and for a guy that's always looking over the his shoulder for the next thing I want to prepare you for your relationship with your daughter has 50

more years to it 40 more years to it and it's just going to get more awesome. It's different and she's not going to be able you're not able to pick her up anymore right but it's about to get

a different kind of awesome but I want you to not try to like go to guilt. I want you just to exhale and say, dude, I did a good job. I scratched and clawed and yeah, I would do things differently. I got an eight-year-old, so I'm going to do some things differently. That's amazing. That's what

wisdom is, is learning. And for a cautionary tale for young guys, you can say like, hey, you think that these four-wheelers are going to bring you joy. They're not. But also, you've got some great memories on those four-wheelers with those kids, don't you?

Yeah. And so underneath all of this, can I just tell you it's okay to just be super sad? Right. A part of your heart just moved out. Right. And dude, I was just in far west Texas with a awesome guy. He is a manufacturing business. He makes a trillion dollars. One of the greatest, kindest guys I've ever met. We went on a wild hunting trip together. Awesome guy. And his daughter just made. moved out and he told me you think you know how bad this hurts you have no idea right and i've been i worked in residence life i worked in colleges for 20 years i've hugged sobbing dads my entire career in hallways of torms what you're experiencing is very universal and it's it's you didn't do anything wrong brother it sounds like you changed your family tree and you'll learn some things along the way and this is just one of those things. It's just hard.

Yeah, I, not to cut you up, but, you know, it's not just her. It's the whole, it's my whole life, the nucleus. It's just, it was, I become instantly aware that, oh, I had it then, and I thought when I got here, I would be, it would be more freedom and more happiness. And I just, you thought it would feel different. Yeah, and I, and I, and we're supposed to be happy right now. And it's funny because it's, you know, I took her to college, so she's a sophomore this year. I took her to college just myself and helped her move in. And as I drove away, it was like a reliving it again.

Yes. Ripping the band-it off again. And so I get home and I'm looking at photos. And I'm just not just her, just in general of, you know, previous baby photos. And I'm in the background and so forth. And I'm like, don't remember that. I don't remember it. None of us do.

there's nothing wrong with you let me let me ask you this question because this is one of the most common things I hear especially from men in very similar situations from you A you did the next right hard thing which is my marriage is going to be different

than the one I saw growing up yeah 100% my finances are going to be different my kids are going to have a different kind of life and the one I had growing up. And you not only felt the pain from your childhood, but you did the next right thing, which is super commendable.

And you've been met with a great curse, which is you crossed a finish line financially. You got an amazing young daughter out of the house and into college with a set of values, a set of morals, a set of a great picture of what a dad who loves his wife, Like, she's got a picture in her head now that's going to be hard for any knuckle-headed kid

at college to live up to because of you. And you went with you. That little kid that's still wondering, why is dad gone all the time? That little kid that was wondering, why can't I have shoes like those kids in my class? That kid turned 45. And the only person that can't see

the amazing transformation you've given your family is you. Because you went with you. Whatever success you had, that lingering self-doubt, not enough, why did mom leave, whatever your story is,

went with you. And when I hear you say, I'm in the background of all these pictures, you know what I hear? I hear a guy who's underneath the whole family holding the thing up so that picture could be taken in the first place.

it's noble it's right it's good and so is wisdom saying i'm not working another weekend to buy another boat i'm going to spend that weekend just coloring with my eight-year-old that's awesome that's just wisdom brother but also wisdom is you finally got your family to a safe place and now finally i want you to look in the mirror and deal with that guy and this will probably be the hardest battle you've ever fought because you're going to have to change your inner narrative about yourself because even amongst all of this blessing you still think you let somebody down but the real challenge is

you sitting down with your 19 year old daughter and saying hey you had a ringside seat to a guy that never thought he was enough I want to tell you about me growing up yeah how often is your wife said she loves you and you're proud of you and your first thought is I could lose 10 pounds I need to go do this if I how often does that happen yeah it's every time okay she says it a lot yeah she's very intentional with that she's clearly the uh the saint between the two of us well I think you're a saint too I think the reason you don't think you're a saint is

because that inner voice is so loud and so dark you've given peace to everyone in your family the person i want to have peace now is you and then brother this is the pot talking to the kettle here you went through pretty hellacious times grown up didn't you uh yeah yeah the family was was a mess yeah yeah you have dark stuff you never told anybody Uh, no, no, she, she knows everything. Okay, besides her? Uh, yeah, of course, besides her.

You've told people besides her? Um, yeah, I think so. I, you know, I don't, I don't have, like, sexual abuse or anything like that. Sure, sure, sure. You know, broken home, parents are alcoholics, and I remarried. It was just a mess, and, and I think the only positive. But listen, that means you have a nine-year-old inside of your chest that is asking every morning, you open your eyes

what was so bad about me that you chose that and then the next step because you're a man who is scratched and clawed I don't ever want a nine-year-old to feel that way again so in my house my kids

are going to have everything have every opportunity I'm going to make this marriage work I'm going to find an amazing woman and I'm not going to believe her when she says I'm worthy of of being proud of but I'm going

and what I want to you to do this evening after that eight year old's gone to bed i want you to go write a letter to that nine year old self inside your chest to you or close your eyes and picture this i want you to picture your dad pulling out of your childhood driveway and go into the bar and i want you to picture nine year old you standing at the edge of that driveway watching him drive off and turning back around and that nine year old you looking at grown up you and asking why is daddy leaving again And I want you to write nine-year-old you a letter saying, hey, none of that was your fault. None of it.

And I want you to let that nine-year-old, hey, we made it. And you were worth being loved and hug and hung out with and laughed with all the time. You were worth getting driven to college and having a parent being real sad you were gone to. Mm-hmm. But freedom for you, my brother, will be letting this little nine-year-old finally go play. Because that nine-year-old's still protecting you to this day. And you've got to hear it from another guy that's about your age in an almost similar life. My son's 15, not 19.

I'm so proud of you, dude. so proud of you man thank you this is what breaking the cycle looks like and breaking the cycle comes with scars too and you have put everybody else ahead of you for all these years and now i want you to find peace inside your chest write that nine-year-old a letter if you're a real gangster you're going to read it to your wife. If you're a real, real gangster, when your 20-year-old comes home for Christmas, when your 19-year-old comes home for Christmas, I want you to read the letter to her. And in that letter, I don't want you to spare anything. Talk about the time dad was drunk and he hit you too hard. Talk about the time mom didn't come home one night. Put all that in there

and let that nine-year-old finally exhale and say, I'm driving now, I'm 45, I've got it. And then tell your daughter, I miss you more than life itself. And I can't wait for us to finally be able to be friends in a couple more years. Because we're going to have an amazing next round of relationship together. And you're right, man, me and my daughter got up the other night. She couldn't sleep. So we drove to the store at like 8 or 9 o'clock, got a coloring book. We came home and colored for a while.

We couldn't find a coloring book. So we had to find, we went to like two stores. And we was late, dude. and we were dressed ridiculous those days for you are over they are and coloring with no talking just playing some old country tunes at the table that part's over you're right

but as a guy who's always thinking about what's coming next which is what you had to do when you're nine to make sure you get food I want you to think about what's next with a smile on your face when that daughter brings some guy home and you get to hassle him

and you get to see in his eyes that he's going to love her as much as you you did he thinks he is but he won't when you get to take her out somewhere to a concert when you get to hop on a plane and go visit her at college or drive to go see her and y'all go do something fun on a weekend or whatever think about those with a smile on your face not with regret you've done an amazing job and now it's time to let you finally rest too we'll be right back this time of year we are giving our time we're giving our money and sometimes without meaning to we're giving away our personal data all over everywhere on the internet. And this is why I love and recommend

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and they get it removed and they keep it gone. Because peace doesn't just come from turning off notifications. It comes from knowing that your data is not for sale. Right now you can get 20% off your annual plan when you go to join delete me.com slash deloney. That's join delete me.com slash deloney. Go protect your digital life. All right, we're back.

Kelly wants to read something that she found on the internet. Yes, so this was posted. I saw this on my Instagram, and I just thought it was really great, and it talks about some of the things that we talk about on this show. So the woman that posted this, her husband plays in a softball league.

and one of the men on the league is an 81-year-old. Awesome. I want to be that guy. I seriously. It looks like everyone else based on the picture is in their 30s and 40s.

That's so cool. He posted, he sent this to all the guys in the league one night overnight after a game. He says, well, guys, just up to do my middle of the night pee.

I've been laying here in bed for the past hour thinking about tonight's game and thinking about what a great bunch of guys I'm allowed to play with. I really appreciate the way you guys treat me as an equal and not just an old fart. It's you guys that keep me living.

Except for you guys, I would not be playing ball. No daily walks, no lightweights. There would be no reason to do those things. It's all of you who keep me going and give me the reason to get out of bed in the morning. All of you should take pride in knowing that there is some old fart that you keep going every day. I don't know if I will get another year in this league or not. I don't even buy green bananas anymore But I do know that this will be the year of ball play that I will always remember

I will do my best to contribute to the team Some days are better than others Now that I get this off my chest Off to La La Land I go again That just warmed my heart That's the greatest thing I've heard I wish there was a mandatory softball league service That every United States citizen had to go through

I think there's something transcendent about playing softball leagues young people, old people. That guy, that guy's amazing. A, for telling his buddies that, because that was not an easy text to write. And B, for those youngsters for letting the old man play. Dude, that's awesome.

Awesome. I love it. Golly, dude. All right, that cheered me up. This was a heavy show. And that was good, Kelly. Well done. Well done.

So maybe today only, there was some redeeming qualities on the internet. I'll take it. Go join a softball league. and let the old men and women play. Love you guys. Bye.