The Dr. John Delony Show - I’ve Never Had Sex . . . And I’m About to Get Married

Episode Date: August 28, 2024

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A fiancée who’s nervous about intimacy with her soon-to-be husband ·      A wife considering whether ending her marriage is the right decision ·      A husband who’s terrified of having kids     Offers From Today’s Sponsors ·      10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp ·      3 free months of Hallow  ·      25% off Thorne orders ·      20% off Organifi with code DELONY ·      25% off plus 2 free pillows at Helix Sleep ·      $350 off Pod 4 Ultra at Eight Sleep  ·      40% off Cozy Earth products with code DELONY ·      20% off DeleteMe with code DELONY     Next Steps 📕Read Dr. Emily Nagoski’s book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼TDJDS T-Shirts   Listen to More From Ramsey Network 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Kind of having anxiety about being intimate in the marriage and just kind of the thought of it because I have waited for marriage. Yeah, if you've never had sex before and you're waiting for this moment and this person, of course you're going to be nervous. Now if that nervousness begins to shut you down, that's something then you got to explore and talk about. What in the world's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you are hanging out with us today. Wherever this finds you, if you're on the YouTubes, if this is in your headphones and you're out walking your dog or mowing the yard or painting something or vacuuming something or just trying to burn off some steam, I'm so glad that you are with us.

If you want to be on this show, we're taking real calls from real people going through stuff all over the world, going through relationship challenges, struggling with their mental health, heading into or out of relationships, challenges with kids, whatever you got going on in your world, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message and we'll holla back girl at you. I ain't no holla back girl. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Write it out. Hit send. And we'll see if we can get you on the show. All right, let's roll out.

Roll out to Chicago, Illinois and talk to Eve. Hey Eve, what's going on? Hi John, how are you? I'm remarkable. How about you? I'm good. Excellent. What in the world's going on? So recently, just to give a little bit of backstory, I am pretty young. I'm 20 years old. My soon-to-be husband, my fiance, is a really hardworking man, very sweet, very kind. However, I've been struggling with kind of having anxiety about being intimate in the marriage and just kind of the thought of it. Cause I have waited for marriage. I am still a virgin. And so I guess I'm kind of anxious about like maybe losing my identity or maybe it becoming routine and, you know, even worse,

maybe me even not wanting to be intimate with him anymore. So it's just kind of hard for me to navigate that. Yeah. Well, I mean, you're trying to navigate waterways in a boat that you're not in yet, right? Exactly. That's anxiety, right? We're trying to cast into the future and imagine how something's going to be like, and then we worry about it and try to solve it in the present.

So you, you, you, you asked an interesting question. I'd like to double click click on you said i'm afraid to lose my identity is your identity that you've never had sex with anybody um i guess not i guess not um i wouldn't say so so what would you say your identity is that you're a good person or a nice person and good nice people don't do these kind of things. Like, tell me what you mean by that. Well, I mean, I would say my identity is, you know, being a good Christian woman and being someone who really listens to people. And it's just, in my opinion, I've been told I give pretty good advice.

I would say I would hope I am, but. So what are you worried about losing? Yeah, I would say that. Why are you worried about losing any of those things? I'm not really sure, I guess. Okay. So when it comes to sex, yeah. If you've never had sex before

and you're waiting for this moment and this person and this person in this this this covenant relationship yeah man that's gonna be nervous of course you're gonna be nervous like it would be strange that now if that nervousness begins to shut you down it makes you apprehensive makes you fearful or. That's something then you got to explore and talk about. Have you and your fiance talked about sex? Yeah, we've discussed it before, I guess. I just don't want to be too detailed with how I feel because I don't want to make him feel bad.

Like he's doing something wrong, that I'm not attracted to him. You're casting stuff way into the future yeah um and i also i'm nervous for you already okay i don't want you to already head into this relationship keeping secrets or trying to hedge what you feel against what he might feel at some future date yeah that is a track that women have been held to for all of human history. Your feelings don't matter. You take care of him. And just a quick secret, guys don't like, they want the person they're with to be fully

present. Even if it's uncomfortable and they have to learn how to do that, it's hard. Right. And so, man, I, I, did you not talk about it a lot growing up? Do you, do you have, is your, was your mom open with you? Do you have older sisters? Do you have women who've talked to you about this or is this just this black box that you're scared of? Um, I mean, I wouldn't say that my family was really was really oh we're talking about it all the time I never really had the talk you know my poor kids have the opposite I'm kind of worried about the opposite we talk about too much probably yeah yeah I got you but like when you say like

the talk even that language makes me like because talking about sexuality and body parts is, it's just, it's just being a human, right? And it's not, it can't be reduced to a single event, to a talk. It needs to be a part of your life. It needs to be a part of discussion. And if you grew up with any idea that any part of you is somehow gross or like, you know what I mean? Like, like needs to be hidden away. Like any sort of you that feels any sort of shame about you,

man, you need to get right in the middle of that. Challenge that. There's appropriateness to sexuality that I think middle of that. Challenge that. Right. There's appropriateness to sexuality that I think our culture has completely thrown out the window, right? But there's also a good grief, man. We just can't, families don't talk about it at all.

And that leads young people, especially to believe some part of them is gross or dirty or wrong right and that that's just no it's no bueno it's not good here's a deeper question for you and and tell me if i'm fishing here if i'm wrong but it sounds like there's something bigger than sex do you want to be getting married? I would say that. No, no, no, no. Don't.

To the man that I'm with. No, no, no, no, no. Yes. Just answer that question. Do you want to be getting married? I would say yes. Yeah. I want that answer to burst forth from you at 20 years old.

Not you have to think through it and kind of hedge a little bit. Yeah. Where's that hesitancy coming from? I think maybe my personal issues and maybe a bit of my past, just like being hurt from the past, you know, um, I think just by other, I don't, I don't even want to say men because you know, these were boys at the time, but other boys and it just makes it really hard to, um,

kind of gain back my self esteem that I feel like people kind of took from me. Okay. You know, so I don't really trust myself in a lot of things. And yeah. How old is this man that you're going to marry? He's 21. Okay. What's the rush?

Um, I think we both are those kinds of people where we don't really want to be part of how the world kind of is always like, oh, you know, have fun, sleep around your 20s. And we just kind of want to start our lives sooner than later. That's all well and good. I support wherever people happen to be. I'm not going to be a naysayer on that one. Okay. So it's not about age. I'm not calling into question age.

You are very, very young, but I'm not calling that into question. one. Okay. So it's not about age. It's not, I'm not calling into question age. You are very, very young, but I'm not calling that into question. Okay. I'm calling into question your apprehension. Let me just say this on the other side, you're going to get married. You're going to get home from your honeymoon. You're not going to have any money and that's okay. And you're going to be figuring out your life and that's okay, but you're going to go with you and all those doubts you have and all those concerns you have, and when you look in the mirror and you don't think you're enough, and those things that those boys took from you over time, that will still be there.

That's not going to be just turned off like a light switch just because you got married. And if you're already fearful of how your soon-to-be husband is going to react to you being honest and open and expressing your fears and expressing your concerns so much so that you're hedging it already, man, if you were my sister or you were my daughter, I would say slow down. I'm not a believer, and I don't think the data bears this out, that one person has to be completely whole and the other person has to be completely whole.

I think that's kind of madness and it doesn't work out that way. Right. But there is some baseline. I'm well and I want to co-create a life with somebody and an understanding that this other person can't fix me, but that I'm embarking on an adventure to build something completely new with a new person. And so when I talk to a 20-year-old, I want them having to talk me out of my apprehension. Right. But I just don't see any reason why you can't say, Hey, let's postpone this. We're engaged. It's great. I want to postpone the wedding a year and I want to do some pretty significant counseling together. And I want to begin to practice saying some of the things out loud that I'm terrified about. And I want you to

practice as a 21 year old young man. And by the way, at 21, I was an absolute stark raving moron. I was when I was 25. I was when I was 30. I especially was a moron when I was 35. Just now, I'm becoming the awesome guy that you see before you. And Kelly's shaking her head. She's like, no, he's not. Right. But I want him to practice hearing things that make him uncomfortable and not running and not shutting down and not telling you to stuff your feelings in a closet because this is how we're going to do things. I want him to learn how to hear uncomfortable things and say, cool, how can I love you? Does that make sense? Yeah, that's totally.

You kind of hit the nail on the head with everything you said, to be honest. Okay. You feeling that? Yeah, that's totally, you kind of hit the nail on the head with everything you said, to be honest. Okay. You feeling that? Yeah, for sure. When you listen back to this, your whole voice just changed just now. Why do you believe that? kind of voicing how I'm actually kind of feeling. It's very reassuring to hear that you can kind of see that I'm in a way insecure, I guess. Every one of us is insecure and that's okay. Yeah. It's when we try to attach that insecurity to somebody else and get them to fix it for us. And when we try to quiet parts of ourselves or kill off parts of ourselves or deny parts of ourselves

so that we can get some sort of pseudo assurance from other people. Because he'll like this part of me. He'll like that part of me. He does not like this part of me. He'll like that part of me. He does not like this part of me. And by the way, men feel the same thing. Millions of men know you better not tell your wife that you're scared of something coming your way.

Millions of men know you better not say that you're scared about your job or you're scared about the economy or you're scared about your daughter or son or whatever. You better not so a lot of men privately like big fancy pants men hardcore dudes like uh like elite military tell me um vulnerabilities the only way and it's unacceptable to their loved ones, right? So everybody deals with having to quiet parts of themselves. I just want to tell you, man, don't head into a lifelong till death do us part committed relationship

without both committing to we're both going to be seen because that's what you're feeling right now is me seeing you. And if he doesn't see you, he's not ready to be married to you. And vice versa. Okay? Now, I want you to get a book. It's called Come As You Are by Emily Nagatsky.

Okay. All right? For some people, it's a very uncomfortable read. For some people, it is liberating and freeing. But it's the best, most direct book on sex. It's written to women. I think men should read it too. It's a modern masterpiece as far as I'm concerned. But it spares, it just starts at the letter A and goes all the way to Z. You don't have to agree with all of it, but it is good. And if you didn't have women in your life who are honest and open with you about body parts, about how things work, about how things feel,

about how to share what you need, about what you even like and don't like, this is a great place for people to start. And we'll link to it in the show notes here. But Eve, I want you to exhale a bit and try this exercise out. I want you to write down on a piece of paper. I don't want you to use a computer or your phone. I want you to actually get a pen and a yellow pad. You may have to go to Walgreens or something to get something to write on or a little journal. But I want you to write down what are four or five ways you feel loved, seen, heard? What are four or five ways you absolutely shut down parts of you or concerns,

fears, dreams, so that this guy and other people, your parents, whoever else, will be in relationship with you. I want you to write down what you hope it feels like when you're 30 and you've been married, what, 10 years? Or maybe you're going to take a year. You're going to extend this engagement a little bit, nine years from now. What do you want it to feel like when you walk in the door? Be really specific. What does that picture look like and feel like when you walk in the door be really specific what does that picture look like and feel like and then i want you to ask this fiance of yours to do the same assignment write this

stuff down and then i want you all to compare it and talk about it and if he shuts you down and he can't hear it that's his work to do but i'm going to caution you on hitching yourself to somebody's wagon that has no interest in actually knowing the woman he's marrying. And vice versa. He gets to be seen and heard too. And those things that cross, those uncomfortable things, that's what we're going to talk about and negotiate. And some of those things will be there for the rest of your marriage, and that's great and cool. It's fine.

You don't have to solve. You won't solve every problem. But every problem gets a fair shake every need gets a fair conversation we're going to start our marriage from that that that platform we're going to go from there when it comes to sex if you've never had sex before and you're nervous about standing before somebody with no clothes on saying, do you see all of me and do you still love me? Yeah, dude, be nervous. Be nervous. Talk to people who've been married for 50 years,

and now they're wrinkly, aging, sagging, and they still look before the person they're married with no clothes on and say, do you still see me and do you still love me? And hopefully the other person looks at you and says, I do. I'll continue to say i do enter the call eve we'll be right back if you've ever listened to this show you know that i cannot stomach that every move every keystroke everywhere you've ever been. And probably every thought you and I've ever had is being tracked. And that's why I am thrilled that Delete Me has now joined forces with the Dr. John Deloney Show listeners to scour the internet to remove your private information from hundreds of data broker websites. I personally use Delete Me and they have been serving concerned, terrified folks like me for

over a decade. Delete.me removes data such as name, age, address, marital status, past addresses, relatives, occupations, social media accounts, property values, photos, and email addresses that would take me about a million years if I tried to take it all down myself. Delete Me gives me the one thing that all of this online convenience never has. That's peace. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as nine bucks a month, helping to protect you from the risks of unwanted exposure and online scams, spam, and thieves. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today for 20% off. That's join J O I N join delete me.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Wisconsin, and talk to Rachel. Hey, Rachel, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. Um, I was just calling because I, um, my husband is,

I guess I would say addicted to lying. Um, it's been a huge issue in our marriage and I'm just wondering if I should take more time out of my life to try and work with him through this or just kind of go my own way. What's he lie um a lot of things well not and um so he he in the beginning of our relationship he would talk to other people and hide it and i would always find it i've always found the things he lies about it's never been brought to me um and so that has stopped he hasn't talked to anyone else, but I promise you something. Yes. You haven't seen it all or found it all. I 100% guarantee you haven't. That's what I'm worried about. Um, don't be worried about it. Just know it.

Okay. Yeah. And that's where my anxiety plays a trick on me of, Hey, your anxiety is not playing a trick. Your anxiety is doing exactly what it should be. Okay. How long have y'all been married? We've been married going on six years in December. Okay. So when you say he's addicted to lying, that's not really accurate. He's cheating on you.

No, it's... So he doesn't talk to other people anymore. It's more like... How do you know, Rachel. Because it's other things. Well, yeah, it's other things that he lies about. Like this last time he had a whole email and he made it about a year ago. He said he used it and then forgot about it. And I caught him using it again to watch porn and then it's just like other things um where we're from you can get uh tht to a certain extent and he uses it for body pain

at least that was my understanding and i found out he was using it for just a little bit more or he was taking too much and he lied about that and rachel do you hear yourself yeah a little bit more or he was taking too much and he lied about that. Rachel, do you hear yourself? Yeah, a little bit. You can see the people, you can't see them, but in the booth, we're all hearing what you're saying. Mm-hmm. That your husband texts and calls people and then lies to you about it. He's got secret email accounts that he lies to you about.

Yeah. He's using drugs and he lies to you about it he's got secret email accounts that he lies to you about yeah he's using drugs and he lies to you i'm not saying i'm not saying using thc is bad i'm saying he's lying to his wife about it yeah i'm saying that he um you have put some of these issues to bed because you think you quote unquote caught him and I'm telling you right now I grew up in this home of a homicide detective. It's when everybody thinks the case is buttoned up that everyone exhales that the perpetrator then super exhales

because they don't know about the other 14 instances of X, Y, or Z. Yeah. Okay? Okay. But I want to circle back to something I say

pretty regularly on this show. Behavior is a language. What is your husband communicating to you on a daily basis? Now he is communicating kindness and just wanting to change. Okay, then back up. You're going to keep protecting him, and that's fine you can do that i'm just telling you you're gonna end up in a in a mess yeah what has he told you the last five and a half years with his behavior he when he when he gets caught lying he just says he doesn't know why he did it and um that he didn't want to hurt me and he loves me.

And I have no doubt that he loves me, but it's... You should doubt it. You should. Yeah. I just can't wrap my head around how somebody could hurt somebody they love over again by lying. And I know he has abandonment issues. I don't care about his issues.

I don't care about his issues. I don't care about his issues. I have those too. Okay. You don't repeatedly lie and hide things from your spouse over and over and over and over again. Yeah. And you, Rachel, are not trafficking in reality. So let's stop talking about him for a second. Okay.

You have this picture about the way things are going to go and about the way things are going to end up. And they're not headed in that direction. The picture's not real right now. I'm interested as to what happened in your life that's making this reality really hard to metabolize? Did somebody leave you when you were a kid? My mom suffered with substance abuses and stuff. So you grew up in a home where mom was there physically, but she wasn't there.

And as a little kid, you've been grasping and hugging at ghosts, fair? Yes. And you swore to yourself it was going to be different when you had your own family? Mm-hmm. And now you're trying to hug at a man who is a lying, deceptive man. Yeah. And you're hugging at ghosts again. Yeah, that sounds right.

Until there's an or what moment in your life, your husband's going to continue. You know why? Because all of your kicking and screaming and stammering doesn't matter because you're protecting him the whole way. Because by protecting him, what you're really protecting is yourself from this black hole of grief. Because he thinks so little of you. He has over the first five years of being married to you, thinks so little of you that he didn't even bother telling you the truth. Yeah. That he's talking to other people.

That he feels so dead inside his own marriage, he can't just look at his wife and say, hey, let's go on an adventure. Let's live an adventure. Let's live a life of eros and fun and joy, and we get to make that together. he just off he creates other uh in electronic accounts so that he can off-ramp that to pornography or off-ramp that to um only fans accounts or off that to co-workers who knows yeah i guess the only thing that kind of keeps giving me hope and it sounds so bad is that it's not always the same thing he's lying about. It's always something different. Yes.

That makes it worse. That makes it worse. Yeah. Because that tells me that's who that dude is. Okay. That's who that dude is. If somebody has a bad night, somebody goes on a business trip and hooks up with a coworker and comes home and lies about it,

it's wrong it's got to be addressed but i understand it right somebody gets pulled over and the first words out of their mouth are i wasn't speeding yeah you were everybody knows you were so when i used to meet with students um caught cheating sexual, like any number of issues. I would always tell them, I would go through my investigation notes. We would work through what just happened. And then they would 99% of the time say,

oh, you're talking about that didn't happen. I would never do that, fill in the blank. And I'd always tell them this, always. You get 24 hours to circle back and change your story. Tell me the truth. And I'm going to treat it as though you told me here because I know the moment you came in this room, you went into fight or flight

and your body was just trying to survive. I get that. Yeah. You get 24 hours to circle back. After that, if I find out you're lying, it's going to be way worse than cheating. It's going to be way worse than the incident, unless it was a sexual assault or something,

and then you're out of here. But I was way more concerned about a pattern, a character of deception, somebody who won't tell the truth, especially to somebody who said, I do till death do us part. Yeah. I've got a heart for guys who are stuck in pornography addictions. I've got a heart for guys who are stuck in pornography addictions.

I've got a heart for guys who feel dead in their own lives. I've got a heart for guys who mess up. And I got a heart for those dudes. I have very little patience for people who continually lie and bury their loved ones. Okay. Okay. So do you think I'm wasting my time i don't know i don't know i'm a very committed person like i i give a lot of respect to him as my husband i take my vows seriously he doesn't right joe he doesn't and for some reason you continue to hold his behavior as that you're accountable to it

yeah are you cheating on him no are you lying to him no are you an ungrateful mean just angry whiny wife not that i know of do you hassle the crap out of him so much so that he's got to create a life somewhere else? He has gotten lazier. That's not hassling. That's not hassling. Yeah. So he, I became more of like a parent than a wife.

Okay. You're answering your own questions. Yeah. Okay. Can I tell you? This is real heavy and hard. I sorry okay and your defense against the dark arts magic is pretty strong because i can feel it you're hard to get through to and my fear is i remember an attorney one time told me um i think it was i don't remember what it was a da or

prosecutor some said because i was challenging them on secondary traumatic stress. And the attorney said, if I start crying, I will never stop. And I feel that on you. That you continue to reinforce the dam. Because if it ever breaks, your worry just never going to stop. Yeah. I'm just scared because we have two young boys. I know.

I just. I know. Yeah. Not by your hand, but in your lap. So you've heard me say this on the show multiple times. At some point, you got to turn the music off and turn the lights on. You have to decide looking in the mirror. You have to decide holding hands with these two little boys

that you, their mama, is worth more than being lied to, cheated on, run around, laying on the couch, eating Cheetos, drinking beers, watching Netflix while you do everything. You're worth more than that. And until you call, turn all the lights on, turn the music off and say, hey, our marriage as we know it is over.

I would love to build something new with you. If you are in, this is gonna be the greatest adventure of our lives. But here's what it's gonna take. This new marriage, this new building we're gonna build will have zero deception or you're choosing to leave. It will have zero fill in the blank. You're not going to lay around the house taking Delta nine gummies while I'm bathing these kids and getting them ready for bed.

You're going to be a present father. If you don't know how to do that, you're going to go to counseling. You're going to get one job, two jobs, three jobs until we have some stability financially in this house Whatever that looks like. I don't know what that means And then he gets to opt in I want to be a part of this new marriage this new family And by the way my house, I think we were up to like six or seven different marriages And three or four of them were pretty close to us falling over the edge This is not uncommon, but it takes a choice of two people saying we're going to rebuild something new you ought to decide that and rachel

he's just going to keep sitting there on the couch stoned watching tv playing video games it's going to take you turning the lights on turn the music off and saying i'm worth more than this your boys are getting a ringside seat to what masculinity and fatherhood and being a husband looks like and they're worth more than this too side seat to what masculinity and fatherhood and being a husband looks like. And they're worth more than this too. Call a girlfriend for the first time in a long time. Take her out to coffee. You pay.

And be super direct and honest. Don't protect him. Just be honest. Then ask her this question, am I crazy? She's probably going to say no. I'll be with you when we figure out what to do next. Thanks for the call, Rachel. Hope you're right back.

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mattress for your sleep preference, and it's going to take less than two minutes. And here's the best part. Helix offers the Dr. John Deloney Show listeners 20% off all mattress orders. Go to helixsleep.com slash Deloney for 20% off. That's helixsleep.com slash Deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, let's go out to H-Tone and talk to Chuck. Hey, Charles, what's up, man? Dr. John, how we doing? We're partying, dude. What are you up to? No, I'm doing well i can't complain at all good well you could then you'd be a politician so what's up and no one would listen to me right um yeah so uh my question without any context it's kind of a loaded

question but how do i navigate my fear of having children who have seven of them that fear will go right away i don't know what's up what are you thinking of? Yeah. Um, you know, I'm really trying to, um, see where it's coming from. I don't know if it's like a deep seated issue, but, uh, me and my wife are in her early thirties. Um, you know, it's, it's time now, uh, we're about to buy a house. Um, so it's, it's, it's getting to that, uh, pull the trigger. Um, and I'm, I'm having a trouble with the anxiety around that. And, um, the only things I can really think of is, you know, the normal selfish reasons of increased responsibility, which I don't think that's the case of why I'm having issues.

You know, money situation, which we're doing financially very well, but, you know, I've been in a very rough spot myself. So maybe it's trusting myself with that. Tell me about your dad. Tell me about your dad. Yeah. Fantastic father, Amazing man. Worked hard for the family.

We weren't super well off growing up, but he worked very hard and worked his way up. You ever taken him out for coffee and said, Dad, were you nervous when I was born? No, I have not. Do that. Yeah. Because that's probably the most eye-opening um thing i've learned since having kids

my dad was a homicide detective and a swat hostage negotiator like the baddest of the bad dudes and he was super respected in our community like if somebody's family was having problems they called him at 2 a.m and he went over there and was there all night i remember when my buddy when her house caught fire, her dad was a pro baseball player. My dad beat the fire department there because he was listening to his police scanner radio. And I didn't realize that he was just making it up as he went to. I didn't realize how scared he was too.

The fantastic point. Of how is he going to love his daughter and how is he going to love his son? How is he going to love his other son? Like, I didn't realize that. And until you're like me, I got two PhDsds i've been doing this a long long time i've helped like probably thousands of parents and their kids and then i walk into a therapist office a who deals with adolescent with children adolescents and i said i don't know what to do

help and she was laughing she's like what are you doing here man and i was like i'm out I don't know what to do. Help. And she was laughing. She's like, what are you doing here, man? And I was like, I'm out. I don't know what to do. Like, until you're there, like, I just want to tell you, Charles, like, fear is part of the deal, man. Yeah. And as a guy who grew up in your same part of the country, I grew up around you, I'm going to tell you. I thought money was it, and I thought stuff was it,

and I thought a great, rambunctious, fun marriage was it. I spent my childhood at Astros games. I spent my childhood at Fitzgerald's down there off White Oak. I spent my childhood. I thought all these things were amazing. And they were. I did not understand what would happen when another chamber of my heart opened up that I didn't know existed. I did not know how the hugs from my daughter could just control alt delete my day. And I didn't realize how much geopolitics would make me even more nervous because I got a kid who's going to inherit all this crap. It's all of it. Yeah. You know, I think that's kind of one of the problems is,

um, everything is going so well. Um, my wife is amazing. Uh, we have, um, healthier relationship than I thought was possible. Um, and I think maybe that's the largest reason is, uh, you know, you talk about how, um, you know, when you have a kid and there's a major life change, you kind of have to rebuild, you know, the life that was is gone. And I think maybe that's part of the reason why I'm so nervous. So let me tell you something that this guy gave me some wisdom. So I was in grad school and my wife and I have been married a few years and I sucked at being a husband and we were just trying to figure it out. And I wasn't regretting being married.

I just was regretting how frustrated I was all the time because I didn't know what I was doing. And I didn't even know how to ask because I was young. I was blaming everybody for everything. And I had one of my classmates. He was down the road from me. He was about 10 years older than me.

And he was having his fourth kid, I think, third or fourth kid. And I looked at him. I was like, you're crazy. Like my wife and I are having fun, but we even don't even know what we're doing. And he said something really profound that stuck with me. And it's given me the courage to head into what, what looks like dark spaces, but there's actually light in there. And it's this, he said, dude, you know how you're single, how it was

awesome. And I was like, yeah, I was thinking about it. I was like, yeah, so awesome. And awesome and he goes you know you're married and y'all kind of have a tiny bit of money y'all having sex all the time and you're just like can go to the movies on a tuesday night on a work night like you can just do whatever you want like yeah he goes it's just a different kind of awesome and he said you have your first kid and on paper, like you have way less money. You're way less spontaneous when it comes to like going to the movies or doing it or whatever. He goes, but you're holding this kid.

Then you have two and you have three and he was expecting four or whatever. And he just said, it's just a different kind of awesome. It's different, but it's amazing. And that phrase, a different kind of awesome, has stuck with me. It stuck with me when I changed jobs. It stuck with me when I had first kid. It stuck with me when I had second kid. It's just a different kind of awesome.

It's just different. Yeah. So let me, this may be a bad analogy. It's just coming to my head. So if it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. But imagine having a really awesome car, and you're just driving it down a highway somewhere that's pretty fun right it's kind of cool but at some point you just have to like turn around and go back because you're not going anywhere and for whatever reason having a kid having a second kid

gave me a place to drive to in this awesome car. And I don't know how to say that without it being existential, but it gave me a, it just, all I can say is it opened up a chamber that I didn't know existed. And I was like, oh, this is it. A very good way to put it, you know? Um, and, and everyone says that, Hey, there's another chamber in your heart that opens up. And, and, uh, see it right it's really hard to um put that into your own reality dude you're still you're staying on a high dive in pitch black and people like no just trust me there's water down there and you're like i don't know man because you can't unjump once you jump right yeah you can't hold a baby for four months and be like, yeah, I missed it on this one, dude. I'd like to send it back to Amazon.

It doesn't work like that. Yeah. I'm biased, dude. I'm so biased. I'm so biased. And I know I'm going to get a bunch of mean comments about people who have chosen not to have kids. And that's fine. If that's the path you've taken, great.

What I can speak to is both sides of the equation. Because we waited almost a decade to have kids i can speak to both sides and i can speak to the sleepless nights i can explain i can speak to the weeping with a depth that i didn't know it's possible to weep from as an adult i can speak to just how unfathomable it is to watch part of your heart and soul out walking around in the world I don't know for me man it just gave me a um it gave me a destination a place to drive to yeah and I love that and um you know I think it's whatever I'm afraid I can push through that right um I think I'm scared of being scared and what that could do or lead me down the wrong path or whatever the case is.

And I guess that's why I'm actually nervous, you know, because I know I can push through it. What do you do for a living? I'm a sales manager. Okay. Do you remember your first sales call? Yes. Do you remember it clearly?

I was terrified, so not really. Did you botch it? Yeah. How bad? It was rough. It was very not professional. It sounded like I didn't know what I was doing. Because you didn't.

Because you didn't. Mm-hmm. And now they've put you in charge of all the other salesmen and women, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's it. You've proven to yourself you can head into

uncharted waters with no skills and get some people around you and keep going and keep going and figure it out. I like it.

So dive in. I mean, I would prefer the cannonball metaphor. Diving is too, diving, I just was watching the Olympics,

so diving is too uniform and clean. Yeah. Or there's a guy going, I didn't see it live but i guess some diver tried to do like seven back somersault flips and then just landed flat in his back and then right right afterwards you just hear this zero that was the score or whatever like that's what it feels like okay um i the fear part is just going to be there and so i want to tell you you're operating your operating system is working perfectly you should be scared it's a huge responsibility to be a father it's a huge responsibility to build a new marriage with your wife it's a huge responsibility to, for whatever reason, in many, many, many men,

it's a strange thing to go from having a sexual relationship with their wife to somebody's mom. It's just a weird toggle. Any number of fears that you have, the financial fears, the geopolitical fears, the religious fears, all that's real and all that's going to come up. And by the way, there's some guys that are like, I held my baby in the hole. I felt like I was struck by lightning. And there's a bunch of dudes that are like, I felt like I was holding a wet sack of like potatoes. And like I didn't feel anything. And it was like seven or eight months of not feeling anything.

Everybody's different. But you find out about yourself and you just keep showing up. You just keep showing up. You just keep showing up. And it's pretty amazing, man. Yeah. As long as everything's working. Because I don't have a lot of anxiety, you know.

So when it's this bad, I'm just like, is this right? Should I feel this way? Yeah, dude. You're about to blow up your life for the potential of something greater. Got it. And the pain will be greater and the joys will be so much deeper. Have you told your wife you're scared? Yeah.

Secrets aren't good for relationships. There you go. What'd she say? You know, she's completely understanding of the situation. Of course, it doesn't make her feel great, but she's understanding. There you go. Mm-hmm. So are you in?

Are you going to give this a whole, I mean, you can't really give fatherhood a whirl. Once you're in it, you're in it. Oh, no, it's happening. It's for sure happening, yeah.

When she gets pregnant, will you call me back? Yeah, absolutely. It'd be great for the listeners of the show, for you just to periodically pop in over the next year en route to having Charles Jr. I mean, you can name him John too, but you can name him John.

It's kind of an amazing name, but whatever. But like little Chuck Jr., it'd be awesome because your willingness to be vulnerable here and say, hey, I kind of like things exactly the way they are, but I'm feeling this sense of I was put here for something else.

That's awesome, man. It's amazing. It's scary and terrifying. Your body's working perfectly. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you, brother. Go get them. Go get them.

And may the force be with you is that a Star Wars this is a Star Wars moment it feels Star Wars-y may the force be with you Chuck and make sure you take that boy or that little girl to Astros games as many as possible

that's the way you raise a kid these days no Rangers no Rangers we'll be right back it's time to talk about Organifi alright here's one of my main That's the way you raise a kid these days. No rangers, no rangers. We'll be right back. It's time to talk about Organifi. All right, here's one of my main life goals. I want to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible.

I want to be that old semi balding guy in the back of the mosh pit. And I also want to be that old guy dancing with his beautiful wife into my 80s. And I want to be able to roll around with my grandkids in some WWE-style wrestling match into my 90s. And that's why right now I exercise, I work on my friendships, and I try to eat and drink things that only have safe, high-quality, high-integrity ingredients. And this is why I love Organifi. They're incredibly selective about what goes into their whole food blends. And Organifi gives you ingredients with integrity. Plant-based, certified organic, vegan, dairy-free, soy-free,

and glyphosate residue-free. By the way, that's a pesticide you don't want anywhere near you. And it's simple to get the health benefits with Organifi. You just mix with water or your favorite beverage and drink it down. You can take their green juice first thing in the morning to balance stress and get ready for your day. And you can take Organifi red juice in the afternoon or before a workout for natural sustained energy and endurance. And I love my happy drops every day for natural mood

support with saffron extract. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off at checkout with code Deloney. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I.com slash Deloney and code Deloney for 20% off. All right, we're back. And Kelly said, I have a question I have to ask you. And I don't know what's coming. No, it's just something I hear you say in a lot of calls. You talk about you go with you. I know what that means because I've been sitting here for a long time.

But explain what it means to say, you know, you go with you and kind of the repercussions of that and how that affects different people's situations. I think at the end of the day, the story, the cultural air we breathe is when you get X, you will feel Y. And when you get the right car or the right job or get into the right school or get on the right team, then you will be completed. You'll be happy.

I'm trying to think of the words we use. You'll be fulfilled. And so it's an old psychological trope that, no, you won't, right? You just won't. And so some people handle that by their body, shut it down. They get depressed. Some people handle it by going on to the next thing. That was my problem. Got a number one bestselling book. Awesome. High five. It lasted about 48 hours. And then I was already like, all right, the next one, like, cause I needed that high again. Some people go to alcohol,

drugs, people go to working 90 hours a week. Some people get married and remarried and remarried. And they say things like, I don't feel it anymore whatever they're saying it's all this idea that joy and peace and happiness whatever you want to call it is out there somewhere and so somebody says i've been feeling like we had a call earlier in the show like i've been feeling less than these boys did some things to me when i was younger and so i'm gonna go get married you're gonna take those insecurities with you if you are worried about um if you feel insecure in your job and you start applying for another job you're gonna feel insecure when you get there because it's not the job um when you if you feel apprehensive about being vulnerable, man, after you get married, you can feel even more apprehensive because you go with you.

And so what I always want people to do is, man, go get married. Go have kids. Go adopt kids. Go start businesses. Go be ambitious. Go do those big things. It's awesome. Just know that those things in and of themselves are not going to heal you.

They're not. Healing will take place with a group of friends or community members or support groups or church group, whatever. A group of people sitting around saying, yeah, I see you and I still love you. Then you can exhale. And what I'm finding is it's in those moments that then you can hit the gas and go do wild, amazing things or opt out and be like, dude, I've got enough. I got enough money. I got enough fame. I got enough.

What are we? We need one house. Right. And it's actually in my house. It's my son that's teaching me that. I'm like, hey, you are graduating eighth grade. I'm going to get you a new bike. And his response is like, why? I got one that works. I'm like, yeah, but I want to get you a new bike. And his response is like, why?

I got one that works. I'm like, yeah, but I want to get you a really nice one. You got, this one's from Walmart. And he goes, dad, this one's great. And then he, we were actually at the store the other day and I was trying to like, okay, now I want you to feel this one. He's like, this is awesome.

It's nice. And I was like, let's get it. And he goes, dad, no, I don't need one. And I thought, oh my gosh, my son's content. Like he doesn't think happiness is somewhere else. He's just happy. And that bike gets him to his fishing spots and he's all good.

So it's just understanding that. And by the way, I would buy him a fancy bike. And then in a few months, I'd be like, I need to do another thing. And I have to realize, no, I'm going to go with me. Whatever I buy, whatever I chase, I'm going to go with me. I've got to deal with that insecurity right here. So wherever you go, there you are.

As the great philosopher said, it's whatever job you get, whatever marriage you have, whatever kids you have, whatever cars you buy, whatever jobs, whatever, you're going to go with you. So begin to make peace with you. Begin to love you wherever you happen to be. And that will go with you. We'll see you soon.

Love you guys. Bye.