The Dr. John Delony Show - Just Discovered My Daughter’s Best Friend’s Dad Is a Sex Offender

Episode Date: November 5, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode My wife & I are separated and I'm not sure if it's over for good or not How do I deal with immigrant guilt? Just discovered my daughter's best friend's dad is a sex offender...what do I do now? Lyrics of the Day: "Human" - The Killers   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: marriage, anger/resentment/bitterness, sexuality/intimacy, boundaries, parenting, kids, guilt/shame   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a husband and father who's separated from his wife and he's just lost. We talk to an extraordinary young woman who is struggling with immigrant guilt. And we talk to a mom who just found out something terrible about her daughter's friend's parents. Stay tuned. Yo, yo! What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, and I don't know why we're yelling. You've probably got headphones on, or you're in your car

where everything is volume controlled to your liking, so I don't know why we're yelling, so I'm going to back that thing up. Hey, it's good to talk to you. Hope you're doing well. We have a packed house out there in the audience. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro. Magic four, dude. We've increased the audience participation by 100%. It's good to see everybody. We won't put cameras on you just in case one of y'all aren't, are cheating on somebody with the person y'all are with. We won't make it weird for y'all. So it's

good to see everybody, man. I hope you're doing well. If you're person you're with, we won't make it weird for y'all. So it's good to see everybody, man. I hope you're doing well. If you're listening on this show, we talk about mental health, relationships, everything. If you want to be on it, give me a shout at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A couple of cool things.

First, where do we start here? Okay, so Nicole sends me something on the internets. She didn't slide into my DMs. She wasn't trying to date me. What do you say it? She sent me a direct message. Is that how you say it? Does that make me sound 100?

No, but she sent me a DM, but no sliding. Just she sent me a DM. That's how a normal adult would say it. Or something, but no sliding. Just she sent me a DM. Yeah. That's how a normal adult would say it. She messaged me on Insta or something. Just no sliding. Yeah, no. What about is she snapped me? Is that a thing? No.

She didn't, but I'm just wondering. Can you say that? I've never heard that, so don't say that anymore. Like for Snapchatting? Oh, that's because you're relatively ancient. I think that's the correct term. Snap me. She snapped me?

Is that how you say that? They snapped me? Oh, I don't know. I don't do the Snapchat, so I don't know. Whatever. You have an active... Oh, you're more of a TikTok gal, huh, Kelly? No? Only because my son's on it. Oh, you are

a TikTok gal! America, she comes clean. Go to Kelly at TikTok. I hope that's not a bad thing. That's probably some random Kelly. It is, man. I don't have an account, but I keep up with it

because he's on it. I just made Kelly at TikTok famous. I hope Kelly at TikTok makes good choices because she's got some traffic. All right, so Nicole, dude, she sent me this and I just had a thought

that I've never had before. She says, I listened to your show from the beginning and I love it. I don't know if that's one show or all of them. I'm going to, let's just say one. She listened to one show all the way from the beginning and she loved it. I don't get emotional or cry. I listen while I'm at work. I'm in the middle of the conversation about the dog from

an episode we had a few weeks ago and had to pause it. I'm a mess, tears streaming down my face, and the mascara is going to have me looking like a raccoon. What is it about when animals, I can't even deal, but when it's humans, I'm all good. Happens when I watch movies, read books, et cetera. I just can't handle it when it comes to creatures. I just, right when I got that, I had this thought, and I think it's this. So I have a similar thing. Like you watch Law & Order SVU, you're eating popcorn and grading papers and just eating pizza, and there's all this trauma on the screen. You're like, huh, well, sucks to be that guy or whatever. But then you watch, you know,

old yeller or every time I read where the red fern grows and I weep for a week. And I think it's this. I think when it comes to like dogs, let's say, we assume dogs are a product of their environment. So whenever you see a dog that's mean or a dog who bites somebody or a dog that doesn't mind, we instantly think, man, what kind of crappy owner didn't take care of business with this dog? Or what kind of environment, what kind of abusive world? We automatically assume that something happened to this dog. But when it comes to people, we often blame them for their problems first and then have to come up with environments

or circumstances second. And I just had an idea. What if we thought about people like we do dogs? What if, and that sounds backwards. Tell me if this sounds crazy, Kelly, because I'm thinking this out loud here. But what if when somebody was like a jerk to me at work, my first thought wasn't, oh, they're a terrible human, but man, I wonder what's going on in their life. That that is how they

thought it was a good idea to talk to me. Or if I see someone who's homeless or somebody who's struggling or is an addict or somebody who's aggressive or somebody who's driving like an idiot on the road, if my first thought wasn't, oh, my gosh, they are fill in the blank. But my first thought was, man, I wonder what's going on in their world. I wonder what happened to them. I wonder who hurt them. I wonder what was going on in their mom's life. What if I treated people, what if we loved people like we love our dogs?

Does that sound dramatic? I don't know. What do you think, Ben? I don't think so. I think it makes sense to me. Well, from this point forward, I'm going to start treating people like dogs. Is that the new slogan of the show? I didn't think through the ending of this conversation.

I was just having some ideas. Don't treat people like dogs. Maybe y'all know what I'm going with. Okay, and the second thing. We're going to take an abrupt transition. Dude, I'm super jazzed. The cards are out. So one of the most common questions I get is this.

So we turn all the screens off, Deloney. We wrote our letters or whatever, and now my family is sitting around the coffee table staring at each other, and we don't know what to do next. Or I turned all the internets off, and my kids are staring at at me and I don't know what to say. Or my wife and I just went out or my boyfriend and I just went out and we just stare at each other because we swore we wouldn't talk about COVID and we wouldn't talk about politics anymore. And now we don't have anything to talk about. So we just stare at each other and staring does not lead to, right? It doesn't. So we created, I created some cards and they're called questions for humans. This is the prototype pack, but the new ones are coming in and they're all rad

and there's no screens. They're screen-free. There's no questions about politics. There's no questions about COVID or vaccines or anything. They're called questions for human. We have a couple's edition. We have a couple's edition. We have a friend's edition and a parents and kids edition. So here's what I envision. You can get online. You can buy one of them. You can buy all three of them in a pack. They're different colors. You can go on a date. You haven't been on a date in forever. You can go on a date and you can pull a card out and just talk like a human with the person in front of you. And you can roll your eyes and be like, hey, I didn't ask him. And just so we're all clear, there's some very Deloney questions here

that should make the table kind of awkward, but you've been wanting to ask the question anyway. And so I just did it for you. And then you can look and be like, sorry, it's in the cards. We got to answer it, right? And so I'm helping you out. And there's also one for friends. And so if you're over the holidays, you got people coming over or you just got a group of people hanging out. Or if you're at one of those churches that tries to force feed friendships on each other with small groups, but wherever you happen to be,

you can pull these cards out. You can be at a bar, just hanging out, having chips and salsa and let's have some conversations. And then the one I'm also super excited about is parents and kids. This is your driving. This is y'all are just sitting around

and trying to have less screens. It's too cold to go play baseball or whatever. Go kick a soccer ball. And so here are some questions for a parent to ask a kid and for kids to ask their parents back. And this is a cool way for you to tell your kids about things you did growing up, some things you think about things, what scares you, what's fun, what makes you laugh. And it's pretty awesome. Hey, so before I handed you the deck, I kept one out. Oh, you drew one out? Yeah. Are we going to do it live? We're all going to answer it.

The cool thing about this show is it's edited. So, well, before that, I will tell you, so my husband and I went out for his birthday last week and I took the cards with us. The prototype deck? I did. And it was the first time in I don't know how many years

that we did. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is a family listen to this. Shush. We didn't talk about the kids. Yeah.

And we're in the process of selling our house and we've been working on it for a while. We didn't talk about the house. We purely talked about the cards

and there was no phones out. We had dinner and even once the food came in I thought, well, we'll put them up. He was like, no, do another one. We went back and forth and it was awesome.

How many did you get through? Oh, we probably got through like 15 or so. I keep hearing, because we've been passing them around, I keep hearing people go and they get through like two of them. Yeah. And it's an hour and a half. And then it was like, that would lead to something else

and then we'd talk about something else and then we'd circle back. It was fabulous. I loved it. It was great. That's awesome. Highly recommend. I mean, you know, been together 20 years.

You just sit there, you're talking about the kids all the time. You're just bored of each other. So it was great. Okay, but. I mean, you know, been together 20 years. You just sit there. You're talking about the kids all the time. You're just bored of each other. So it was great. Okay, but to this question, you have to start. No, I go last. Nope. It's my show, yo.

Hey, Ben, you're filling in for James. You got to go first. Okay, so Ben goes first. I'll go first. Yeah, I'm down. If I took you to a tattoo parlor right now and you had to get a tattoo, what would it be? All right, no question, no hesitation.

I would get a space kitten tattoo on my arm. Space kitten is the winning band that I was in last year for Battle of the Bands and Ramsey Solutions. It would be a cat with an astronaut helmet on. Have you ever seen the movie Frozen? Actually, no. There's a song in that movie called, it's called Let It Go.

It's called Let It Go. Just let it go. I would get a high school football tattooed on my arm. No. I would get a sun right on my lower back, like more of like an Aztec sun. Just kidding, I wouldn't. Like a tramp stamp?

Yeah, what would you get? So my favorite quote is- Who left the dogs out, who, who? Yeah, how'd you know? You rap it all the time. My favorite quote is, a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor. Okay.

And so I've always, if I ever thought if I got one, it would be that with, because for those that don't know, I had breast cancer a couple years ago that would have kind of end in the pink ribbon with that. So that's my thought, but it hasn't happened yet.

So I actually, I'm in the process. And so I've got, I have a few. And I've got, one is my grandmother used to collect these porcelain birds that as a kid you're not allowed to touch. But right before she passed away, she had them saved for me. And so she gave me a cardinal and then a blue jay. And so I've always loved cardinal. And so there's cardinal and then my wife's got her favorite flowers

And so I want to get like a half sleeve and with that that stuff in it So we were already working with some folks to get that done. They are really proud of tattoos. They're expensive now Yeah, they really got them. They weren't this expensive but man, I Thought you would get like my show logo because it's made your life and career but no No, not so much I thought you would get like my show logo because it's made your life and career, but no. No, not so much. This is the gap in your resume that's going to be hard to explore.

I'm just going to tell people I was close to time off. I was doing some behind the scenes stuff. It was a Kelly with an IE. That's right. Oh, man. Okay, so conversation cards go to johndeloney.com. You can get three of them. You can get the ones for parents and kids, one for friends, one for couples. This is me.

You give me some money, and then I'm going to save your relationships. How about that? Awesome. Good. All right, let's go to John in Greenville, North Carolina. What's up, brother? John, how we doing? Hey, thanks for taking my call.

You got it, man. Thanks for calling. What's up? So I'm calling because I was listening to your show a little while ago and you were talking about a husband that was checked out and I just really resonated with me

that I feel like that is definitely where I'm at and that's what my wife has complained about as well Why are you checked out, man? Well, see, in my opinion, I'm not. Because I feel like I've been trying and my attempts are never

good enough for it to count or not fast enough. There's a million reasons, but... So she's telling you that you're checked out. You don't think you are. Correct. Okay. Is she... Is she bonkers? Is she lying?

Or is she right? You know. Exactly. That side meant she's right. Okay, so why are you checked out? So, it's just, I don't feel like I'm ever getting it right so I mean if I try and do like she wants to go out

I'll plan a date and then there's some element she'll pick up on that I missed or it could have been better and I'm selling that one thing and then it it just feels like my attempts aren't going anywhere So words Words like always and never

Those are exaggeration and drama words And they often come up in relationships And they're just drama So let's drill down They're never totally true It's never always or never or whatever So what are a couple of things in your house That you do really well?

So to be honest right now, we're actually separated. Hey, fun idea. Lead with that next time, dude. Lead with that. Okay. So before you got separated, what were some things that you did right? So, I was doing... Wait, hold on. Why are you separated? Because we tried a trial separation, and I kind of lied about some things. Basically, it started out, I was going to school and I was the one that lied

about still being in school and I wasn't okay and I came clean and then I lost some money and didn't come clean immediately with it. Okay.

Did you call on a previous show? No, I did not. But I know once I said that, I've heard these themes before. Okay. So you told your wife you were in school. What'd you do with the money? I was actually trading. Trading stocks?

Yes. And you lost because everyone loses money when they do that. Yes. And then... And then you tried to get it back? Yeah. And it didn't work. Yeah.

And then I hid it for a while before I told my wife and... What else were you hiding? Nothing anymore. That was it. You weren't seeing somebody else? No. John? I was not.

All right. I'll trust you. And so you hid the money. You hid this and then you lied about it. And then what? I went to therapy and it just didn't. You don't need to go to therapy if you just are someone who didn't tell the truth. Why did you go to therapy?

So to try to get her trust back. So, therapy was just a move? It was like an ROI for you? Like, I'll do these three things and then it'll be all good? That's what I was hoping for,

sure. Yeah. Did you learn anything about yourself in therapy? Yes. What'd you learn? Definitely. A lot of it,

I'm just very insecure in general, and that's a lot of the reasons I hide things and don't come clean. I don't know, I just had a lot of people leave in my life, so I always have that fear that coming clean is going to push people away

or they're going to say, well, that's too much. I'm not. I'm out. And so you hold it all in and keep secrets and you don't tell the truth, which guarantees they're going to move away, right? Yes. Yeah. So what ultimately boiled up and led to the separation?

Basically, I mean, she just didn't trust me. Like, it's a lot of little things. Do you lie about a lot of stuff? No. Okay. Like, the last lie I told, I asked a friend to pick my son up from daycare because I was running late. And they told my wife before I did. And so, and I'm talking like an hour.

But you didn't tell your wife that you needed someone to pick up your son? Well, I did, but she already knew about it. So why don't you trust her? Why don't you trust your wife? What about her is untrustworthy? Nothing anymore, really. I think a lot of what's going on now is I just didn't see the need to tell her any earlier because I was going to see her, and that's when I saw her, I told her. So how can I help you today, man?

So, I don't know. Because my therapist kind of ran out of ideas to help with this. Is there something you can suggest or is it? What do you want to help with? I don't understand what, like when you first called, I thought, man, you can't get anything right at your house, and you want some help with being engaged at home, but you don't even live there anymore.

And then it turns out there was some big secrets and some big deception, financial infidelities, what my buddy Dave calls it. I don't know what you're looking for. Nothing you've told me so far would suggest you need therapy in any way. Maybe I'm missing something. Sounds like you need to make some firm life commitments and then go after it. Yeah, I guess.

What do you mean? Am I missing something? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I guess I'm kind of in this stuck funk where I don't know. I don't know. I guess I'm kind of in this stuck funk where I don't know what to do next either because... Is your marriage over? I don't know.

I mean, I guess that's the fear. I fear that it is. You would know. Is it over or not? Do you all have a plan to get back together? Are you all talking? Are you still being honest with her? Are you going to get back together or what?

You know whether it's over or not. I want to, but she doesn't see how it's going to happen. Okay. So I didn't ask if, are you trying to end the marriage? I'm asking you, is it over? She told you this is over. So, yeah, I guess it is. Has she filed on you?

No. Is she going to? She, I don't think so. Okay. I haven't said that she is. Let's take a pause on that conversation. John, what do you want with your life, with you, with your relationship, with your friends? Answer that question.

What just comes to mind? What do you want? Well, I'd like to get back with her. No, no, no, no, no. What do you want? That's a thing. That's like a, I just want this get back with her. No, no, no, no, no. What do you want? That's a thing. That's like a, I just want this. I want a couch beneath that.

What do you want your life to be, dude? I've sat with millionaires. I've sat with single moms. And very few people can answer that question. Like, what do you want? I don't really know, I guess. And so no therapist will be able to help you because you don't know where you're going. You keep going to map makers and GPS app developers to get you wherever it is you want to go, and you don't know where you want to go.

And you keep going into a hospital for surgery, and they don't know what you want to do. They don't know what to operate on. And so a question for you, the one magic question in your life. John, how old are you? 37. 37. You get one, one life. And maybe what, you're 40% done? 50% done? Let's say 40. You get one. You got 60% left. What do you want? Do you want peace? Do you want happiness? Do you want to laugh a whole bunch?

Do you want to make millions of dollars? What do you want? All of the above sounds great. Okay, pick one. Like, what do you want? I would say happiness is the number one thing. Okay, let's drill down. What is happy?

Just give me two or three pictures of happy. What makes you happy? What brings you joy? Taking my son out. Doing what? In the time. Going to the pool. Okay.

Doing that together. What else? What's another picture of something that brings you joy? I love tinkering with things. Okay. Like building things. And then I guess hanging out with friends. I don't even care what, just being around people.

All right. So the conversation you got to have with John is, I want to build a life where I'm surrounded by people I love. I want to have a life where I get to spend a lot of one-on-one time with my son, doing things that don't involve my phone, doing things with us, throwing each other around the pool and laughing and carrying on. And maybe I want to build a life with this woman that I had started a relationship with,

that I was married to, we have kids together, and I screwed it up, and I'm going to start there. Because right now you're in response mode, you're in defense mode. Think about a basketball team that never shoots the ball. All they do is play defense. And every time you get a turnover, you just roll it back to the other team.

Because you don't even know how to shoot. You don't know where the basket is. Gotcha. And so right now you're trying to win her back. Or what are the four things I need to do to make her trust me again? And if there's any hope of salvaging this relationship, it's you taking her out one more time

and sitting down and saying, oh my, I was wrong. Now I didn't get it before. I was trying to do things to make you like me or I was trying to do enough so that you wouldn't nag me or complain, and I missed it. What I should have been doing is being with you and loving you. And that other crap dishwasher stuff takes care of itself. You just do the dishes because it honors somebody that you love and you want their life to be better and easier.

And hopefully that's reciprocal. Otherwise it gets into a a contest of i want you to take me out well then i'm going to plan an outing well that outing wasn't good enough well then the next then you get into this it's a competition it's a game it's a waste of your life love love isn't a tennis match or a soccer game, man. Am I on to something? Oh, yeah, definitely. Okay. So remember this. Behavior is a language. And people can talk all they want.

I don't care what they're saying. I want to see how you treat people. I want to see how you interact with somebody, how you love somebody, how you walk home and say, hey, how can I honor you today? That's different than I did the dishes. Right? Right. And then you've got to be honest with John.

You've got to be honest and say, here's where I want to go. And then a counselor or a coach can help you get wherever it is you want to go. But you got to choose, brother. I don't want a life of meh. I want my life to be wheels off. I can tell you my own life. It was, I want to make this much money and I want to have this job title. I was that specific. And I realized what an obnoxious waste of my one tiny, little bitty precious life. I then changed it to, dude, I want to be surrounded by people that I love. I want to do work that matters to me and to the people that are involved

in it. And I have a skill of sitting with people when the wheels are falling off their life. And I'm going to do that. Whether I'm working at Burger King or whether I'm on the radio, whether I'm a counselor, wherever that happens to be, I'm going to do that. Whether I'm working at Burger King, or whether I'm on the radio, whether I'm a counselor, wherever that happens to be, I'm going to sit with hurting people. And then strangely, oh, by the way, I'm going to work real, real, real hard, real early in the morning until real late at night for a day after a week, after a month, after a year. And then what you'll find is when those things line up, money takes care of itself and titles take care of itself. But you got to decide where you're going first. And what you're doing, John, is trying to get everybody else to tell you what your life needs to look like. And that's a recipe for depression.

That's a recipe for a black hole of like an energy and joy suck of just a bottomless pit of bleh. Because nobody can fill that hole. Only you can. So you said it. You want to be surrounded by people you love. You want that woman to love you and you want to love her and, and, and. Start with that one precious question, my brother. What do you want? And then go get it. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest,

a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy.

You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go to Sandy in Grand Rapids, Michigan. What's up, Sandy? Hi, sir, John. How are you? I'm so good. How about you? Good, thank you. So what's up?

I wanted to ask you, how can I deal with the guilt that I carry as a child of immigrants? Unpack that for me. That one's a good one. Yeah. So my parents fled the Middle East once the wars started. And after years of moving around, we came to america as refugees back when i was about eight years old how long ago is that 10 years ago 15 years ago um about 13 13 okay oh can i guess here can i guess sure so you how old you were 13 when you moved here

i was eight when i you said that okay so you get dropped into an American school, and there's a – you got trapped between cultures. Is that right? A hundred percent, yes. And then parents are still in fight or flight because their home was taken from them. And the easiest thing someone in fight or flight can do is to default hardcore to what you know and what is safe. And what is safe is this is the way we do it because this is how we have always done it. You're spot on. And then you're an immigrant student who now wants to go to college.

Are you in college or through? I am in college. My last year. Oh, and now you're tortured by. I love the idea in America. You can kind of just do whatever you want to, whenever you want to, however you want to. And I also love and want to honor my parents. And, oh, crap, what do I do now?

Is that right? You got it. You got it exactly right. Kelly, we should start a radio show. It's incredible. So, Iraq, is that right? Yes. Okay.

What religious sect? Christian. Okay. What religious sect? Christian. Okay, okay. So, oh, man. How fun is that? I've been finding a church is a hoot. Has that just been a blast? Holy smokes.

You're right. So how do you deal with the guilt? Tell me more about that. Well, you know, growing up, I heard all these awful stories about what they've been through. And then hearing comments like, we give out so much to give you and your siblings a better life. So that's, you know, all that pressure. And like you said, they have very strict views and they're very stuck on their old ways. So, you know, I did the right thing by like going to college and getting education, getting like a stable corporate job, doing all that kind of stuff. Um, and most of it is fine,

but what's really hard for me has been when I don't agree on like certain topics and there's certain views, um, like not moving down until I'm married, no matter how old that is, um, dating only within the community, the same religion, same country. And then being trained from birth as a girl to take care of the house, cook and clean, that kind of thing, while my brothers got to sit around and have fun. Just things like that.

Just things like that. That was the most incredibly dismissive. Just things like that. Like my gender and my work ethic and my religious heritage and my romantic life. Just little things like that. Oh, man.

That's so hard. So hard. Wow. And so you're about to graduate, and this is about to get real for you. Do you live at home now? I do. Okay.

And do you enjoy living at home, or are you dying a slow, miserable death? The latter. Okay. And walk me through, like, just for the average American listener who doesn't understand this, it feels like a simple answer. And by the way, I want you to um i've worked with a number of international students and immigrant students over the years and so your journey is one i've heard a lot um but i did contact kelly let me know that this call is coming so i did contact two of my buddies who

are professors who study this intercultural competence it's that's a challenge for folks like you who are caught between two worlds. And that's so hard. So walk an average American listener through, because it seems like, well, just move out of the house, dude. Like when you hear something like that, your buddy in school, just like, well, just move out. Walk somebody through what that actually would mean for you. That would mean I would bring so much shame to my family. I wouldn't hear the end of it. Um, most likely if I were to do that, then my sister will kind of get like a bad reputation and like, she won't get married. Um, I'll probably kind of be shunned from the community. Just, you know, things like that. Besides shame and shunning, what else, Sandy?

Lots of anger. They probably will not talk to me for years, if not, if not ever. I probably won't get any support with that. The financial support? right, yeah or emotional, mental, all of it so it's an opt in or opt completely out

exactly, yeah so what are a couple of things that you love about your parents culture, your culture that your parents are really holding on to tightly? What's a couple things you love? The support from family is pretty major.

You won't really ever be in need financially or anything like that when you have them. Without any question, they'll be there to help you. And even though we moved out from home, they've kind of built a new home here. The culture definitely came with them. And the people are still kind of together. They help each other out. Is there a small Iraqi community that still hangs out? Yeah.

Okay. Yep. Yeah. And then there's moms and dads talk about who's going to marry who and when and all that. Yep. Yep. So I'm going to give you a complex answer, okay? Okay.

And here's why it's complex. I don't feel qualified to give you an answer that's not going to be heavily directed by the fact that I'm like an American male. Does that make sense? So the easy answer is, at the end of the day, you have to make a choice. And at the end of the day, you know there's not an easy exit strategy

and there's not an easy acceptance strategy. And at the end of the day, it's simple to be like, well, you just got to move on, cut your ties and go. And whoa, you're talking hundreds, if not thousands of years of this is how and why we love one another. It's different, right? It's hard and it's messy and so the reality is you're gonna have to make a choice i i don't feel comfortable telling you what here's what i think your choice should be what i will tell you is here are some broad parameters uh or some broad things to think through and again there's a couple of my buddies here researchers that walk me through this. The first one is, no matter what you do, make peace with conflict because it's going to come.

There's not a choice you make that doesn't come with conflict here, whether it's internal or whether it's external. So if you make peace with conflict, it's often not, you can hold it in your soul better. Meaning it's people that go to the gym to work out that realize working out's hard and they quit. It's those that know working out's really hard and that's why I'm going that do really well. Does that make sense? Yeah.

So expect that conflict, especially in a family system where somebody decides they're going to change the rules of the system. Has there been any sort of what I call family concession? Meaning, is there a few things that they don't really like to admit, but that they've Americanized? Yeah, but I feel like it's more so with the boys in the family. So it's just, you know, them going out, them dating, them, that kind of thing. And it's definitely strict with the boys in the family. So it's just them going out, them dating, them, that kind of thing.

And it's definitely strict around the girls. So is there somebody in your family system, is it a highly paternal system? Like you don't ask questions, you just say, yes, sir, and you all move on? Yeah. Or is there a conversation you can have with mom or with dad? Is there that level of, um, just mutual respect? Um, I can definitely have a conversation with my dad. Um, it, at the end of it, it does kind

of end up in that whole, like I'm the dad, see what I do kind of thing, but he will listen out. Um, just, he just kind of tells me that it's out of his control and that's just how the society is. That's just how the community is I have to just like live with it basically oh so he really passes the buck on to not this is what I say but sorry this is just the world we live in and that's just kind of what that is so let me ask you a hard question I know you've thought about it what do you want to do? You asked me how to deal with guilt that, that provides a hint that you may just be thinking of graduating and going and getting your own place and figuring this thing out. That has definitely been my thought for a while.

And I'll, I'll think it and then, you know, with any anger, like we'll, we'll fuel it. And then that kind of goes away. And then'll think it, and then, you know, with any anger, like, we'll fuel it. And then that kind of goes away, and then the guilt comes in. Oh, I gave up so much.

I shouldn't do that. But I don't think I can see myself being happy if I do stay. So what I will tell you is guilt will ultimately kill you from the inside out. It'll melt your spirit, and it will literally eat you physiologically.

Because. I'm definitely feeling that. Do what? I'm definitely feeling that. There you go. And so what I will tell you is either choose to, choose to live into your culture or choose to chart your new path and you're gonna feel sad.

It's gonna be chaotic. There's gonna be conflict. Either way you go. But if you lean into and let guilt become the blood that circulates through your veins, man, it's gonna destroy you from the inside out. My hope and dream would be that you sit down with your dad and say,

I'm so grateful for the heritage. I'm so grateful for the culture. I'm so grateful for the community. And I feel like I need to go find myself. And my hope and prayer for me and my family is that you all don't respond to my choice by ending our relationship and cutting me off. Because here's the other side of choice.

You can't control other people's response. And so whatever choice you make, in or out, they get to choose their response. And so whatever choice you make in or out, they get to choose their response. And so if they choose to cut you off, if they choose to withdraw all support, if they choose to shame you and whatever, whatever they choose to do, um, whatever that community chooses to do, that's their response to you. Not the other way around. Does that make sense? Yeah. And so, what are you studying? Accounting.

And what do you want to be when you grow up? An accountant? Or you want to work for a company just doing books and things? I'm currently working for a company doing that. The hopes is, yeah,

I'm going to master a degree and become an accountant. Okay. So where do you want to do that? Where do you want to do accounting? Where are you at? Where? Mm-hmm.

I haven't thought that far, to be honest with you. Okay. So do this. Get a friend or two friends and think about what tomorrow could look like. Go one year, go three years down the road. Imagine yourself done with grad school. Imagine yourself walking across the stage, and then what? And I want you to be really clear about what a picture of then what looks like.

What state are you living in? What does your house look like? What does your home look like? What do your friends and community look like? Paint that picture. Because I want you to walk towards something, whatever you do, not run from something. I want you to, if you're going to lean into this,

like, you know what? I need to go back home until I'm married. That's the culture. That's our national culture. That's our religious culture. That's the heritage. I'm going to honor my family that way. And I'm going to honor myself that way by honoring culture, that's our religious culture, that's the heritage. I'm going to honor my family that way and I'm going to honor myself that way

by honoring my family that way. Whatever you choose to do, I'm going to go towards that. Or, nope, this is the part where I carve my own path. I'm going to choose that. I'm going to lean into it and here's what that's going to look like. And that way you're walking towards something

and you're not untethered and unanchored because there's going to be conflict when you disrupt the system. But my recommendation is sit down with dad. It sounds like he's an awesome guy that would listen to you and sit down and say, I know these things and I've got to chart my own path. I've got to take my own course. And I hope that you won't choose that that means that we're done. Hope that you choose not to cut me off, to shame me, to disconnect from me, but you choose. You can be disappointed. You can say, that's not the path I would have chosen, but that's my girl. She's brilliant. She's accomplished. And we're going to support her even if we have to grit our teeth.

And he may say, sorry, that's out of my control. It's out of my hands. And then he's made his decision. But at the end of the day, I can't speak into it for you. I can't tell you what I think you should do or here's what I would do because I don't know. I can know I've made different choices than my parents probably would have picked for me. But I also know that they trained me from a young boy to, man, here's a machete.

Here's how this works. You go carve your own path and so I was blessed and fortunate that way thank you so so much for the call here's what I would love I would love to know how that conversation goes if you'll circle back to us and let us know how it goes I always say this

choose guilt not resentment if you're going to go home and you're going to live in ash and you are going to just home and you're going to live in ash and you are going to just smolder from the inside out, that's going to burn down your relationships and your friendships and your community connections and your faith and your relationship with your mom, your dad, your brothers. Choose guilt over resentment every time. And don't let people beat you up for, we did this and I want to say say, well, y'all chose that, and be grateful

too. It's a hard, hard road you're walking. Expect conflict. Expect discomfort. Get some people that are going to walk it with you, and go towards something, not away from it. We'll be right back. This is Dr. John Deloney's show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings

and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Let's take one more. Let's go to Melissa in St. Jomo. What's up, Melissa?

How are we doing? Oh, not too shabby. How are you doing? Same. Not too shabby. I'm going to start using that. Can I steal that from you? Not too shabby?

Yes. All right. Not too shabby, Melissa. What's up? So I stumbled upon some information the other day that kind of now has me in a quandary. So I— What did you stumble on? So I was looking online. I was showing one of my friends online where you can look up registered sex offenders and saw a familiar face. My daughter's best friend's dad is on this list. Oh, crap. Yeah, there's seven.

Oh, gosh. Oh gosh And So I of course Did some googling digging And basically the He was 22 Talking online with what he thought Was a 14 year old girl that ended up Being a cop Yeah so he

And still went to meet like at the Wendy's or whatever and got busted It was in 2007 So I mean it's been Still went to meet like at the Wendy's or whatever and got busted. It was in 2007. So, I mean, it's been a long time and I haven't seen anything since then. Like online, it basically says that, you know, he's in good standing or whatever. Melissa, Melissa. I also know. Well, I also I have a social work background, so I know the recidivism rates and things like that.

Are what? So, are horrible. Horrible. And just so, in case people don't know what the word recidivism means, what does that mean? It means that they do it again. The chance of them doing it again is a bazillion percent, right? So, I don't want to punish the child for the sins of the father, but I also obviously need to protect my daughter. So you are not punishing anybody, dad is.

You are not punishing anybody. At all. What's the quandary here? I have a six-year-old, almost six-year-old daughter. So we're in this, like, I'm trying to put myself in your shoes. And my blood is boiling. It's like, what's the quandary? Basically, like, just to completely cut ties. or just, because I have no idea. We don't

know the family all that well. I, I really like mom. I've rarely ever spoken to dad. Um, and like my husband even brought up, well, what if she doesn't know? And I'm like, good. I'm like, I, I assumed that she knew, but I mean, who knows? So just start ignoring calls or just say, look, I found this out, so we're done. Do some safety planning and say, look, she can come to my house, but we're not going to your house. Because like I said, I have a social work background. I've helped people safety plan, but it's different when it's your kid. It is, it is, it is.

And so I am, so I'll tell you a quick story. I won't tell you a quick story. That'll take too long because I always say I'll tell you a quick story. Then it's like 45 minutes later and Kelly's passed out of sleep on the control board over there. What I'll tell you is I've been in a couple situations like in a crisis response or I'm looking and thinking, huh, I probably, I don't know what's going on here. And then somebody, one of my partners will roll up and be like, what are you doing? Call 911 or get the, you know what I mean? So like you get so close to it that you lose perspective.

Right. And so what I will tell you is the last person on the planet I would allow my daughter to be in proximity to is a registered sex offender with a history of preying on young women, young girls. with an exclamation point at the end of that sentence. So everything you choose to do after that is in service to my daughter will never be around a known sex offender if I have any breath in my lungs, period. And so whether you choose to sit down with wife and say, here's the deal. I learned this. I know our daughters are friends. I don't care what story y'all are going to give me. There can be no possible way my daughter is in your home, is in a car with y'all. I mean, you can do that. That would be the Aplus, hyper-integrous, gentle, direct, but loving way to say,

I learned new information and the relationship between us and our kids is different. Or, man, they're seven and the world gets busy. Things get bananas. Do they live across the street from you? Are they down the road? I mean, how? Pretty much. So they actually, they used to go to the same school, then COVID hit and things changed. So they don't actually go to the same school anymore. Um, but that was her, her close

friend from that school. And we've continued to have play dates and things like that. Um, and then to add another layer of like weirdness and ick is, so we basically joined a particular chapter of a local community group that's based around kids because that family is in this chapter. Dude, he's not allowed to be around kids. So, yeah, I don't know what all the stipulations are. I'm telling you, he doesn't get to be around kids. And if there is some sort of way they've finagled themselves around a lot of kids,

I would throw every flag on planet Earth. I would turn on every light and hit every siren. I'd call every probation officer I could. That's, I mean, that's your job as a community member. Or to go directly to them and ask wife, your husband is a registered sex offender and best I can tell, he was preying on a young girl and went to meet her.

How are y'all involved in a local community group that's revolved around children? Walk me through how this works. That's the kind of—I'm confrontational in that way. My wife is especially. But yeah, this one's bigger than even your kid. That's not a complicating factor. That is like a gasoline on a fire factor. And so you've heard me say this before on the show, and I'll say it again, not by your hand, but in your lap. This isn't your fault. This isn't something that you caused or sought out. Well, you did when you started Googling, but it dropped in your lap.

And thank God it did, that it happened to drop in the lap of a social worker who knows how incredibly damaging this thing can be. And man, this has all, you know, just saying it out loud, you know this has all the makings of, oh, no. Right? Yes.

And then when you found out, oh, they're in this group, and then, oh, my, oh, my, like the puzzle pieces start going together, even if it's totally innocent. Yeah, the snowball just started rolling. Yes. So what I'm telling you, and I'm putting you in an unfair position, but I didn't do it. The Cosmos did it. I'm just calling it out. You have to say everything as loud as you can. police department to get some more information, whether that's notifying the umbrella agency of this community group, whether that's going directly to their home and saying, my daughter has been in your house. What in the world? Y'all didn't tell us.

How in the world? Yeah. Again, friends will come and go. Your daughter's seven. She's going to have a million friends. She's going to break up with half of them. The other half is going to move away. You know what I mean?

That's life. Just imagine your daughter's life. Three years from now, you say, it's fine. It was a long time ago it was ten years ago he seems fine and something

nefarious is going on I'd never forgive myself yeah and that's just you thinking about you I'm thinking about your daughter like what's our one job as parents keep our kids safe

absolutely not to protect them from all the harm I mean from stubbing their toes and falling down and getting the Fs. I'm all about that. But this one, we got one job on this one. So what's your next move, Melissa? And again,

I'm walking alongside you because I know you're so far in this. It's like, oh no. And it is that big. But the world needs Melissa's to turn all the lights on and say, no, no, no, no, no, no, not on my watch, not my daughter, not my neighborhood, not my daughter's friends. Because my daughter is everybody's daughter and everybody's daughter is my daughter. And I'm calling this one out. So what's your next move?

What are you going to do today? Well, I mean, I can definitely look into whoever is providing supervision over the whole thing. I, like I said, just try to figure out with our family, like, okay, do we say she can come here, but that's it. And then trying to help

or just completely cutting ties is basically where I'm at, like, which... Because cutting ties is doable, especially since they don't even attend the same school anymore. That, like... Okay, so that's, like, part one A, D.

Like, way down the list. That's solving little problem. Well, and getting into... Obviously i obviously yeah i have no problem with getting in touch with the community organization in question and making sure that even if you call and say my daughter's a part of this group and you have a registered sex offender as a leader in this group or a part of this group what what are you doing? Yeah. Well, and I'm, I mean, you know what you do when you assume. My assumption is they, I had no clue, and I've known these people longer than this community group has. So I'm assuming they're going to go, holy crap.

Yeah, because I am, and I don't even know what community this is. I had no clue. How long have you known them? Three years. Do you have a good enough relationship with that wife to call and say, this is mom to mom, what in the world? What the crap? Can you do that?

I mean, I could do it. I don't know that I would like she's not a close friend by any stretch of the imagination we text when we're getting the girls together but that's about the extent of it but you're not going to say anything are you oh no

I know you don't know me but I'm not I'm an advocate at heart like that but I'm not, I'm an advocate advocate at heart. Like that's, I, I'm just trying to make, figure out whether it's better just to completely, just to basically throw gas in the fire, throw the bomb, walk away, say, this is not okay. And just cut ties and then have to explain it to my daughter when she's older or whether it would be at all feasible for, you know,

play dates just at my house or something like that. Cause like I said, I feel bad for his daughter because it's not her fault, but that's not your problem to solve. That's the, that's a bed that he created. Your job is not to create a fun environment for his daughter. That's, that's, that's, that is a situation they're going to have to handle. create a fun environment for his daughter.

That's, that's, that's, that is a situation they're going to have to handle. You're trying to control too much. I, I feel bad for his daughter too. I'm brokenhearted for her.

I am devastated for her. Because this is going to happen over and over in her life. That she's going to make close friends and then it's going to get out. And then they're going to be a mess. I can't imagine they're allowed to have other kids at their house. Well, in the day that I found this out, my daughter had spent basically the whole afternoon with their family. Like two days before that. Have you done a, have you done a forensic interview on your daughter?

Yes. And she's okay? Well, dad was, it was just friend, siblings, mom, out riding bikes. Dad was at work, so he wasn't even around so just to cut to it if this is my daughter yes this this relationship is over until further notice period full stop conversation's over and if um again i'm gonna make that call and say hey can we meet out and just meet out in the front yard for a minute? I want to make sure everything's okay.

I want to make sure my daughter, y'all didn't hurt my daughter. And I'm upset that you didn't disclose this. When my daughter started coming to your house and I found out about it this way, they had a responsibility to tell you. If this is hanging over, you know what I mean? So think about it this way. If I got arrested for stealing money and it was 10 years ago,

and then I'm getting a job with somebody, I need to say, hey, by the way, this is in my background. Here's what actually happened. Here's the truth of the last 10 years. And here's who I am and where I am now. I have a moral and ethical obligation to put that out there. And if you're on the sex offender registry list for soliciting young girls and then going to try to visit with them and thank God it was a cop and not an actual 14 year old. Right. And then my seven year old just starts going to play at your house. Oh no, no, no, no And you're going to join a community group That's got a lot of kids around

No Dude, I'm calling everyone Including 14-year-old girls No, no, no Something's not right here I can't imagine somebody's that brazen Except people are Yeah, unbelievable I can't imagine somebody's that brazen, except people are.

Yeah, unbelievable. Yes, every single alarm goes off. Conversation's over. Either have the conversation with her. I'm calling the community group today. Today. If mom texts and says, hey, we haven't seen you in a while um can so-and-so come and play and you write back no she can't come play today thank you so much and she says hey is there a problem say

hey yeah let's chat if she invites you in great but this is your moment ulissa you've been an advocate and a lot of advocacy these days happens on the internet or a lot of advocacy happens like going to fundraisers and things. This is advocacy right now. You got to go through me to get to my daughter and these kids in this neighborhood. You got to go through me and my husband and my team

and my profession because real advocacy costs us something because it can get us hurt. Real advocacy is a pain and it comes at a cost. And this is your moment, Melissa, to stand up for your daughter, for all the daughters, and for God almighty, dude. Jeez. Thanks for the call, Melissa. Do it. Do it. Hey, you owe us now. After you make your calls, I want you to let us know how it goes.

Call back to the show and let us know. Man, man, man. Kelly, I'm having a good attitude, huh? I haven't said any bad words. I haven't walked off. We've said a few in here. We've said them for you. Oh, smokes. Dude, imagine this, America. I'm speechless. We've set them for you I Holy smokes Dude

Imagine this America I'm speechless This is a rare moment I'd like to welcome everybody To the moment of speechlessness As we wrap up today's song Ben brought one in I can't use it man

I gotta pivot You're welcome Well you're pivoting I got to I can't use it, man. I gotta pivot. You're welcome. Well, you're pivoting. I got to. I can't. That's disappointing. It is.

But I haven't done this show long enough. I don't have, like... I'll get canceled. I just will. I just will. I think the ratings will go up. Yeah. Everyone wants to come see The House on Fire. Yes, for sure.

This is actually one of my favorite songs. It's by The Killers. It's called Human, and it goes like this. I did my best to notice when the call came down the line up to the platform of surrender. I was brought, but I was kind. And sometimes I get nervous when I see an open door. Close your eyes, clear your heart, cut the cord.

Are we human or are we dancer? I don't even know about that last call, yo. Woo! Right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.