The Dr. John Delony Show - Life After Sobriety, Online Infidelity, & Preparing for Surgery

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   My partner has been sober for 4 months and we want to move in together. What things do we need to consider and what boundaries do we set? I recently attempted to contact another woman online. My wife sees this as cheating, and she is right. How do we get back on track? Lonliness: Japan appoints minister of loneliness to address growing suicide rate amid Covid-19 pandemic Suicide Prevention Hotline: [phone] My 4-year-old son is going to be having open-heart surgery this summer. How do I mentally and emotionally prepare for that and prepare my son for it? Lyrics of the Day: "Patience" - Chris Cornell (Guns & Roses cover)   tags: relationships, substance abuse, boundaries, infidelity, sexuality/intimacy, marriage, reconciliation/forgiveness, parenting, sickness/illness   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a woman who wants to move in with her boyfriend who's five months sober. We also talk to a young husband who's healing after infidelity. And we talk to a young mom whose young child is getting ready for a scary surgery. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Thanks for joining us. Hope you're doing well on the Dr. John Deloney Show,

which is super weird because it's just me, so I'm talking to the third person. I kind of sound like an idiot. But on this show, we talk about your relationships, your mental health, your friends, your family, all of it. People struggling with what they're going to do next. People trying to figure out what the next right move is. People figuring out, hey, you know what?

What I've been doing the last 5, 10, 15 months, the last 5, 10, 15 years is not working. Hey, most of us listening, what we've been doing isn't working. So, crazy idea. Let's try something new. And let's start with being a little more grateful. Let's start with going from, ah, to, hey, tell me more about that. You're the stupidest person. Ah.

Tell me why you think that's the way that we should do that. Tell me why you think that economic plan is good. me what fill in the blank dude yelling super not working fighting not working let's give another shot you know what's super working though mean comments on the internets that's fixing everything it's not it's not helping even one little bit. What it is, is people sitting down around a table and saying, hey man, I don't really understand this. Tell me some more. Tell me some more about it, right?

So I'm so glad you're here because on this show, we talk to real people about real things going on in their life. We try to get to the bottom of it and help people make the next right step. So give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Go to johndeloney.com slash show, fill out the form, and it will go to Kelly who decides if the sun will rise or if it will not. And then she'll decide if you're going to get on the show or not. Look at that. She's just drinking her coffee and whatever else is mixed in that coffee. And we don't know.

Look at her. She's hushing me. When she hushes you, your voice stops working. It's incredible, right? All right. So let's get right to the phones today. Let's go to Charlotte in San Diego, California. Charlotte, what's going on?

How can I help? Hey, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call. Thank you for calling. What's going on? How can I help? Hey, Dr. John, thank you for taking my call. Thank you for calling. What's going on? Thank you. I've been with my partner for about 10 months and he's been sober for about five months. Things have been going really great and we want to, we've been talking about moving in together. So I just want to see like, what's the best way to go about that and set boundaries to make sure that um this is the right decision and that we can be successful like in our relationship together cool all right so why

why why this guy um that's a good question um so i'm gonna say probably don't move in yet that's just good i'm just kidding go ahead so why this dude yet. That's just good. I'm just kidding. Go ahead. So why this dude? No, no, it's a good, it's a good story. Um, he's, I feel like he gets me and understands me in ways that no one else has, like even people that I've known for years. Um, he is super hardworking. He, and I know that he loves me and he, I told him that he shows me how much he loves me before he even told me that he loved me um and and I'm really happy with him and and I think that I want to have a future with him I know I want to have a future with him so you almost lost me at he gets me like nobody else gets me and I was almost like for real yo this it was becoming the notebook so fast but then you you brought me back around with he works really hard and he shows you so how does he show you that he loves you um he i think

the the thing that makes me um feel that he loves me so much is that he remembers little things about me, things that I enjoy, or he just always thinking of me and always shows it with his actions. So my love language is very much like acts of service. And so he'll make me coffee in the morning or he'll take my dog out for a walk, just small things like that. Cool. Show me that he loves me. So tell me about, so the, I'm guessing that you're calling me. No, I'm not even going to guess. Why are you, so why are you calling if you love him and he gets me like nobody's ever got me before. So why don't I just pull the trigger? Something else is holding you back. What is it? Um, I think it's, it's the, the sobriety part. So, um. So like I said, he's only been sober for about five months,

which is, that's, you know, that is a lot of progress. I don't want to say only. It's a lot of progress, but I guess I'm worried about relapsing in the future or this is going to be a major life change for him as well. So I guess just kind of navigating that part of things, being with a partner who is sober. Yeah. So, how did the sobriety come up? You were with him five months before. What brought it up? Certain behavior when he was drinking and stuff that he had told me in his past about how his drinking had affected his life and just different issues and stuff. It was his decision to get help and to be sober. And of course I supported it, but I wanted to make sure that it was his decision. It wasn't me telling him that he needed to do it. And, um, because

that's at the end of the day, he's the only one that can do that for himself. Right. So, so what is, what is the benefit of moving in together? Um, well, we, we spend pretty much all of our time together when we're not working or with other people. Um, and also, I just think a natural progression into eventually, you know, getting married, starting a family, things like that. Okay. Have you ever lived with anybody before? No. So, there is a un... It is so massive. And it's psychological psychological but it's super physical too there is i don't know what it

is you can feel like you're at somebody's house 24 7 but you're not and when they move in it's all super different right and there's that sense like oh you are not going home because this is you're here right and that's a that's a very real thing right and i know you're just you can do the math on the hours and it's super real if you talk to newlyweds there that have never lived together before you can see it in their face like oh this is a forever ever i'm gonna have to see that toothbrush forever. And it looks like he cleans the bottom of his car with it before, right? All that stuff, right?

So here's a couple of just big picture things, okay? I am admittedly and probably obnoxiously, my wife tells me I was born in the wrong century all the time. I don't like computers. I don't like the internets. I just prefer to live a quiet, simple life. So I take this with a grain of salt. Like I don't recommend people start combining money and don't start combining finances until they're married. There's legal issues.

There is still figuring each other out issues. There's trust issues, all those things that come into that. I am real bearish. I like playing moving in together real slow, real, real slow. I get in San Diego, man, the rent is crazy town, right? I would rather see, and I know you can even do the math on it, on, you know, man, we'd save a bajillion dollars. We know this is it for us. If you know it's it, go ahead and get married then, right? The math or the data, the stats on people who move in together before they're married is not promising. It's just not great.

And I don't know why that works. It seems like if people moved in together and got to practice being together before they got married, it would make sense that it would work out. It just doesn't. And I've even been around real therapists, not pretend fake therapists like me, who would tell you that if you want to make sure you sync your relationship, go ahead and move in together. And it's just the data. And I think it has to do with this idea that once you get married and you go all in, you are committed. Separation is not an option. You make stuff work. But when you always know, I could probably just leave this thing, that just lingers out there. And that little crack in the door lets in more light and more light and more light over time. And so that's the first thing,

is the data doesn't back up that being a wise decision. And I'm an old fashioned, old fart when it comes to that. I want to see people figure it out and slowly, slowly grind in together. And then once they're like, if you're going to get moving together, go ahead and get married, go ahead and call it. Here's the second thing. I want to make sure you especially don't become mom, don't become sister, don't become caretaker. Does that make sense? Yes. And you said some things that are really good, like I can't make him get well, his decision to stay sober. But that temptation will be so, so hard four months, five months after him getting out of rehab.

Do you think you could, I'm asking you a question that you have no idea. There's no way you can answer this, but I just want you to imagine. Could you move in with him and not become a caretaker? I think it's definitely possible um you sound so lovely you sound so responsible and here's the here's the other thing you sound like somebody who if you see injustice somewhere you will go burn their house down for treating somebody less than. Is that fair? I would say so, yeah. I would not want to be, and it's, you have a, I'm hearing it through the phone, and I'm halfway across the country from you. You seem to have a sense of right and wrong that is so

missing from the world today that I'm so glad you're in the world, right? I'm so glad you exist to build the sidewalks my kids are going to walk on. Thank you. It's going to be a nightmare trying to be somebody who is trying to practice desire, practice romance, practice learning each other and safety. And I've been with the same person for over 20 years. I learned crap about my wife during the pandemic that I had no idea. We've lived in the same house for almost 20 years. And I was like, who are you? Right? And so 10 months, just by any imagination, it is what it is, right? You hear all the stories about, I just knew. Okay, cool. whatever. But practicing all those things with somebody who is five months clean is a lot. And what I'm afraid is going to happen is those, he begins to slip.

He begins to get exhausted. His old demons come calling. And who you are as a person is someone who's not going to let somebody hurt on your watch. Not going to let somebody fall through the cracks, not on Charlotte's watch, because this is not who Charlotte is. Charlotte's a trooper. Charlotte is someone who loves deeply, even to the point that I'm going to love somebody above and beyond myself. But man, if you're in a new relationship, that's hard, hard, hard. And so what I'd rather see, I'd rather see him begin to still, he is on a journey that

is awesome. He's getting well. Five months in is five months in. That's still really young. I don't want to minimize it, but that's young, young, young into this new adventure. And I don't even like the word recovery anymore, by the way. That assumes that our past was something that we want to hang on to. I like that he's on five years of learning new habits, five years of learning new ways of navigating through the world. And he is struck gold because he's got Charlotte walking hand in hand with him. The data tells me, plus his recovery journey tells me, plus your spirit, your incredible spirit tells me, man, moving in five months out of recovery is real quick. Y'all can do what you want to. I want to see folks say,

I am all in. We're going to get married and then we're going to move in together. I like it being in that order. I know that makes me old fashioned, is what it is. But I want there to be no question, no doubt, we are in this. We are in this, right? So, Charlotte, you decide what you want to do. You're grown up and you're awesome. That's my opinion on it. That's my thoughts on it. I'm rooting for you guys.

I'm rooting for him. He sounds like a guy who loves you deeply and that's cool. And he loves me in a way that no one's ever loved me before. Just always say that at your wedding, which you're going to have. I want to make sure somebody says that out loud. That needs to be your, whoever's your maid of honor. I don't know how that stuff works. Whoever's your maid of honor, best person, whatever that is. I want you to have them make sure they say that out loud, because that's awesome. Let me know what you guys decide. Get in touch with me on the internet so you can write it through, askjohn at ramseysolutions.com, or you can just DM me.

But I want to know how that goes. Thanks for your call. Let's go to Jack in Huntsville, Alabama. Jack, what's up, brother? Hey, Dr. Deloney. How's it going? Good, man. How are you?

Oh, pretty good. Thank you for taking my call. Thanks for giving me a shout, man. Deloney, how's it going? Good, man. How are you? Oh, pretty good. Thank you for taking my call. Thanks for giving me a shout, man. So what's up? Yeah, so recently we've had an act of infidelity within our marriage, and I was the one that followed. Man, you talked a circle around that one, dude. Did I? Yeah.

Let's do this. Let's back it up and say, deloney i screwed up i need your help say it like that okay okay hey dr deloney i screwed up and i need your help you got it brother so what's up man what happened so um i guess this wasn't a physical act of infidelity, but it was something online, an app, where I tried to reach out to someone from my past. Obviously, my wife saw that, and this was several months ago. We both kind of committed to making things work and making things better. I've been going to see a therapist several times a month. But there's still good days, and it's good.

I think I am learning a lot of tools from that, and I've been able to apply a lot of them, and it has helped. But there's still bad days too. What's a bad day mean? What's that mean? A bad day, more or less, I could just tell that my wife is upset. And, you know, I know the cause of that. And it's something that it's crushed her confidence. You know, she's wondering, is this going to happen again?

Things like that. So I guess I'm trying to do what I can to restore that trust. And I know it's not on my timeline, but it's just, I just want some advice on that. And we're also expecting a child, so. Ah, congratulations, man. And why not make it more complicated, right? Yeah, yeah. Perfect timing. Was she pregnant when you reached out to somebody from your past? No.

Okay. Oh, so you found out about this later? Yes. Cool. Okay. Number one, I hate that y'all are going through this, and I appreciate you being honest. From this point forward, if you've got people that you trust that you're having this conversation with, talking in loops, like you feel like we've had this act of infidelity, just cut to it, brother. Just be straight.

I screwed up, and I am working to build something new with the woman that I love and that I want to be with forever. And who, by the way, is now going to be the mother of my kid. Cool? I want you to be that direct, that succinct, that cut to it and get to it. Is that cool? Yep. All right. So thank you for your trust, man.

So when you say that she has bad days, how do you know she's having a bad day? I can just read her mood. Usually she's pretty jolly. And I'll tell you that's dangerous when you get into her head right and you try to figure out what's going on and why oh it's probably about this does she tell you hey i am having a vulnerable day or i just woke up thinking about that other girl and i just started spinning out does she tell you those things or are you both imagining what's going on in the other person's head? Probably a little both.

Usually I ask, though, and if I'd ask, she's pretty direct and upfront about what's got her down. Okay. And what ways inside of the house, like concrete steps, have you taken to help rebuild trust in your home? Have you given her access to your phone? Does she have all your email accounts? What are the things that you're doing so that she can begin rebuilding trust in a very practical way?

Oh, yeah, yeah. She has access to all of that and beyond. As far as actual ways I'm trying to go about this, I mean, just kind of, I guess with my therapist, we've talked a lot about love languages and ways, and then the Gottman's Four Horsemen, I'm sure you've heard of. Just trying to be proactive and tend to her, the ways that she receives affection and things that matter to her

kind of tend to that so one of the things I love you know I like the idea of the love languages I like I mean Gottman is is the pinnacle right there they do more relationship research I think than anybody on earth one of the challenges I see, especially in young relationships,

is trying to unplug your wife from who she is and plug her into one of these categories. And so I want you to know these are frames, but they're not her, right? Yeah, yeah. And learning to really sit down. This is kind of a loaded question. What made you reach out to somebody else? What was missing in your home? What was missing inside of you?

I think just, well, I've listened to you for a while, and I think just getting another perspective on advice, you know. No, no, no. What made you reach out to an old girlfriend? Oh, yeah, I think that's a loaded question. I think I've been trying to dive in, and that's one of the things that I've really tried to dive in within the therapy itself, is to find a why. And I don't know if it is one answer. I think it's a lot of things. It's a lot of the wrong things.

I mean, there's nothing that justifies that. I think you're really wise to understand the complexity that I'm usually troubled by folks who just are able to say, well, it's because of this. Oh, man, it's usually a lot messier, messier thing than that. So is your wife going to see somebody? She's not. Okay.

I mean, she's not entirely opposed to it, but I think it was more of like, this is my mistake. This is my... Have y'all seen anybody together? No. Okay. I think that's primo numero uno. Okay. Y'all got to see somebody together here's why when something like this happens occasionally but not always

occasionally it's one idiot there's just one idiot in the relationship that did something stupid and now we just got to get that person he or she you know, got to hit them with a stick and get them to change their ways. Usually there is some sort of dance. There's some sort of I'm missing this need here. So I'm trying to fill this gap in and then I return to my default settings and this brings up this stuff and it just turns into this weird, just like just mess right and moving forward yes learning the love languages learning about the four horsemen

learning about ways you can theoretically support her learning about ways you can theoretically hurt her that's important but what's really important is y'all learn how y'all talk to each other. Y'all learn what safety, y'all learn what desire, y'all learn what the rules and boundaries are inside your relationship, which means y'all have to work

on building something new together. Because what's happening is right now is you're off. So you've heard me you say this before like you blew up the building right how long have y'all been married a little over a year okay i don't even say you blew it up all right i'm not even gonna put that on you you um you a grenade went off in one of the in one of the in one of the foundation pillars right and that sucker started rocking and what you did what y'all have done is you went off to get some more classes on architecture, on engineering.

And your job is to come back and rebuild that pillar. That's just not how the way that's going to work. Okay? You are going to have to both go and say, okay, this building that we had, we're a year in, it's a really, it's a one story building. It's little. We're going to have to scrap it and build something new. And that's cool because we're going to build something stronger, more beautiful.

That's going to be able to hold a child. It's going to be able to hold all this stuff, but we got to do it together. Right. And I want you guys to do this thing together. Right. Do y'all have any couples that are five years, 10 years, 15 years ahead of y'all that you meet with, that y'all hang out with? Oh, yeah.

Okay. Do they know about what happened? No. No, we've kind of kept it private. All right. Secrecy kills. Or as Brene Brown says, shame eats secrecy. That's what feeds it.

And when you shine a light on something, it loses its power. And my recommendation is you invite a couple over that you trust that's 5, 10, 15 years ahead of y'all, down the road from you guys, and y'all be totally open. And when your wife opens up and talks about how much this hurt and how much it caught her off guard, how much she was surprised, all those things, you don't get to respond other than, yeah, I hurt her. That's it. No excuses.

No this. Yeah, I really messed up. And then when you talk about it, no big, just direct, straightforward, here's what happened. This is the way this is. And that way y'all can cut through some of the nonsense, but you get that thing out of there. And your wife right now feels like she is shouldering all of this. And she's having to reconcile,

I'm still super pissed off at this dude, and I'm pregnant, but he's going to counseling like I said he had to, and he's love languaging me, right? He's making my coffee, and I'm still mad. And that what's going to happen is she's going to start to blame herself. Open this up, go see somebody together. So y'all can rebuild something new, get some new skills.

Y'all are still super young into this thing. Don't give up on it. Especially you got a kid on the way. Go into it open-hearted, open-minded. We're going to learn new skills. And I want you to start shining some light in this thing. It's going to be a part of your story forever. It is what it is what it is.

Get some people who've got some wisdom and some experience on top of you. I want to commend you for coming forward, commend you for trying to do the work. Now you've got to bring her along with you. This is not something you can do on your own. You've got to bring her along there with you. You're going to find out things about each other. You didn't know that you like more that scare you. And y'all going to work on a language of the relationship of Jack.

And I'm going to call her Diane, Jack and Diane. Y'all going to learn that language together as you move forward. All right. Appreciate your call, man. Hey, um, I got a buddy here at work, forwarded me an email, an article the other day.

And this is just, this is just something I want to just put out into the universe here. Japan, this is a February 22nd article. We'll link to it in the show notes here. Japan appointed a minister of loneliness after seeing suicide rates in the country increase for the first time in 11 years. If you look at the suicide rates of what's going on in the country right now after a year of people being stuck by themselves and isolated, usually we lag four to six months, three to six months behind some of these other countries who are ahead of us. Man, we are talking about more people in October 2020 committed suicide than died by COVID in Japan. There were 2,153 suicide deaths that month and 1,765 deaths. A major group that this is impacting, which is a statistical anomaly, doesn't happen in this way. Usually it's men who complete suicide. There is a 70% increase year over year of women who've died by suicide. Women are lonely and exhausted,

and more and more single women live alone in Japan. Many of them don't have stable employment. They are trying to figure out what's next. They have to support their own lives. They don't have permanent jobs. And then something like this shows up. Here's what I want to tell you. It's yet another statistical proof,

another country trying to figure out how to deal with this absolute monster that has pervaded our cultures across the globe for years. And that is this monster of loneliness. The pull you up by your bootstraps thing is a lie. It's not real. It's fake. It's a myth. I don't care how tough you are. I don't care how much money you make. I don't care how high up the mountain you think you're

going to climb someday. It is not real. It's not real. You got to have other people in your life. You have to. And I know COVID makes that so hard. Please reach out to people. And please, please, please, if you're going to hurt yourself, call somebody and let them know. Call somebody and let them know. Make one call, make two calls, make three calls. There's text hotlines now. We're going to link to the U.S. hotline here

in the show notes. You matter to somebody. You matter to somebody. You matter to me. If you get to the point you think your life isn't worth anymore, make a call. Reach out to somebody. Even if it's somebody I haven't talked to in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, even if it's to a neighbor, knock on somebody's door. Make that call. Don't do life alone. Don't do life alone. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to

JJ in Lancaster. JJ, what's up? Hi. Hi. What's up? How's it going? It's going all right, Howard. It's going for you. You know what? It is going as it is going, right? Yep. I got a job in the air conditioning or in the heat right now, and so I have very little to complain about. I'm fortunate. So how can I help? All right. So my four-year-old son is going to be having open heart surgery in a couple of months. Oh, no. And just trying to, for me myself, to deal with it in such a way that I can help him deal with the trauma afterwards. Yeah. Wow.

He's so lucky to have you as a mom thinking ahead. So tell me about your baby boy. So he was born with a congenital heart defect. Basically, he's missing part of his heart or just severely under formed. So he's had two open heart surgeries already, but they were as an infant. Um, so this is the first one where he'll be like emotionally, like mature enough to like process it. Okay. Is dad in the picture? Yep. You got support is what i'm asking yeah yeah no yeah his dad's great and uh yeah so what's the prognosis what's the outcome look like um so that's the other thing with this

is for lack of a better term technically his surgeries are considered um palliative care so it's just best quality of life for as long as possible. They don't know how long he'll live, but like his heart defect will eventually kill him. Okay. Do they have any, have they given you any sort of date on that? Any sort of ballpark? Well, the surgery isn't old enough to know. Okay.

So there are some that with the same defect that are in their to know. Okay. So, there are some that, with the same defect, that are in their 30s. Okay. But there's, they change the circulation of his blood, so it has impact on other organs. Yep. And so, there are comorbidities that can arise from the other things. So, like, you know, assuming everything goes well, yes, but then there's like chance of this happening, this, you know. Right.

Yeah. So just taking a pause here. Man. I got a five-year-old, and I'm telling you, I can't even put myself in your shoes, and I'm sorry that you're going through this. And you've probably cried more tears than most of us even knew a human body was capable. Is that fair?

Yeah. So I've got some things I can tell you that you can wrap your head around and you can process, right? But I feel like the most important thing to let you know is this is not your fault. I know. Do you know-know? I know-know. Okay. Genetically, this is completely an anomaly.

Okay. Genetically, this is completely an anomaly. Yeah. Okay. Most of the time when I talk to parents in a similar situation, there's that lingering, somehow we failed them, and I need you to know that's not true. Okay? It makes my heart full that you know that, and I want you to never, ever, ever, ever forget that. So how are you and your husband grieving? Do y'all grieve similarly or do y'all grieve differently? We grieve differently for sure. He is more, I am a planner. Well, and I'm a control freak. So this is out of my control. So I want to control everything. I want to plan months in advance, like come up with contingencies for anything that might happen. And he's more like, I don't want to worry about it till it's happening. Right. So here's the number one thing y'all need to do both now, one year from now,

five years from now, 10 years from now, is you have to make sure your marriage is rock solid. And if you, have y'all been to a marriage counselor since this, this diagnosis for the last couple of years, have y'all managed and worked through this? We haven't been to a counselor for it. I mean, we've, um, we do have really good communication. I'll say like, I'll tell him that, you know, and he acknowledges that we grieve differently, but like, he's willing to, you know, talk with meges that we grieve differently, but like, he's willing to, you know, talk with me about it, even though it's not necessarily. And like, when we're in the hospital, like when we were in the hospital before he was there every single, like he was there the entire time. Sure. Well, here's, so going to a counselor does not mean y'all are broken. In fact, it's the opposite. Think of it this way. Think of your, um, the doctors who are doing this surgery

that is so new, they're going to have to go get specialized training to deal with this one particular thing. Y'all are dealing with something that no couple should ever, ever, ever have to deal with. And that is counting down the days on a calendar. That should never happen, right? It should be the other way around. Kids should be wondering when their dumb old parents are going to, how long they're going to live, right? Not the other way around. And so, instead of looking at a counselor like y'all are busted, y'all aren't doing things right, think of it as y'all are going to have to learn some

new skills for an extraordinary situation. And it's not an indictment over what y'all are doing. In fact, the fact that y'all are still, you lit up, I could hear it in your voice when I just asked you about him. You like this guy, don't you? He's okay. You like this dude. So I want you to still like him a bunch down the road, okay?

And so go to learn some new skills. Go to be able to learn some new skills so that you can say out loud, I grieve differently. Here's what I need in my grief here. Here's what I need in my grief here. Because here's the thing. The overarching picture here is there's a fantasy here about what this is going to look like and how this is going to be. And you know this. It's just going to be different now.

And so instead of because you can't build, like as my friend Chris Hogan says, you can't build in HD because you don't know what that's going to look like. You need to make sure that you're a walking partner and you are in perfect sync. And when you fall, he knows just how to pick you up and vice versa. He knows how you're going to be planning to try to assume control. And his version of control, by the way, is to let go of the wheel, right? Just completely let go. It's the same thing, right?

It just looks differently. Do you have people in your life that you can regularly talk to? So the funny thing is when your kid's like bad and sad news, nobody really wants to talk about it. That's right. And when I bring it up, it's, I don't want to talk about that. It's too sad. Or, oh, we'll just pray and it will go away or idiots like nobody wants to like be like wow this really sucks except for other parents that are going through the same thing but they're not like my

family that's right and then you end up your energy spent taking care of their feelings right yeah i always want to make put a positive spin on it. You're like, medical advancement, I'm sure he'll be fine. Like, yeah, it's totally okay. It sucks. We'll get through this. Yay. It sucks.

So the reality is you can't do this by yourself. You can't. And the last thing on earth you want to do is reach out and make new friends and new connections right now, but I'm telling you, you've got to, got to, got to. That will be a critical part of your care, your husband's care, and your kid's care is making sure you've got people that you can call and say, this sucks and I can't breathe because I'm crying so hard. I need someone to go pick up my kids from school. And they go, gotcha. Or somebody you can text and say, I can't get out of bed today. I need someone to go pick up some trashy drive-thru. And they say, I got you.

And somebody that says, I'm going to go, I don't know what you do for, I don't know, like a mani-pedi. I don't know. That sounded super sexist. Just, I'm going to go do something super nice for myself. And because today is that kind of freaking day. And they're going to be like, sweet, I'm dropping everything and I'm going. You have to have ride or die people in your life right now. And because you have people around you that they don't know what to do, so they cut and run. Unfortunately, you're going to have to do

the hard work of connecting with those people. I know being in grief groups sucks because you just, you get in that weird, like, well, I don't have it as bad as them and they've got it way worse than me. And that may be a place to start right now, but do the hard work of making sure you got people around you. The last thing you can do is do this by yourself. And it may be with the people that are your oldest friends, your family, sit down and have a hard conversation that says, I need people who can do the following. And if they opt out, then I'm not going to say what I was about to say. If they opt out, they opt out, right? But at least they know it could be helpful for folks who don't know what to say. They just freak out. They get scared. You can have a moment of grace

for them and say, here's what helps. When I say this, I'd like you to say this. Is that embarrassing or ridiculous? Yes, but it could be really helpful um do you have a place where you can get real information that's not the internet yeah i am yeah i'm very involved in the chd world of resources and education and all that stuff cool so one of the things that's really important when parents are going through um hard medical situations like you are with their kids is to get true information, good information, and never, ever, ever Google anything, right? Yeah. Ever.

Because on Google, everyone's dying of everything all the time. They're all dying or they're all okay. Everything's wonderful, right? And none of that's true, right? So when we get down to your little boy, so I just glossed over you and your husband's entire marriage and your relationship and how you're going to cope and manage all this stuff, right?

From either four to 35 or somewhere in between, right? The reality is y'all have got to get some new skills for the journey ahead. You've got to get some new gear for climbing Mount Kilimanjaro, and you got to have people in your life that are going to hike with you. Okay. Now, when it comes to your little boy, here's a couple of things that I've found to be really successful with kids. And I'll make a recommendation. The first thing is starting with story. You can find all kinds of incredible resources on the internets about like go to Amazon and talk about children's books for kids who are about to have surgery, who just had surgery.

What a narrative does, what a story does, is it externalizes it for their kid. It gives them a picture so they can see it. And it gives you guys a touch point so you can always say, remember so-and-so in the story? And they'll go, yeah. It gives them a way to see it because they can't understand what pain feels like when you're just talking about it. You and I can say, man, if you put your hand on that stove, it's going to burn. We know what that is. Four-year-olds don't, right?

So a story gives them a picture. You may even, this may sound nuts, but you may even act it act it out right even take a marker and draw a cool scar like this is where it's gonna you can start to narrate it for him okay another thing your husband can do which would be super cool is let your son draw on a with a big thick marker right on his chest where that scar is going to be. Let him see it on daddy for a while and it will begin to norm it. And then when he gets his own scar, your husband will be able to unbutton his shirt in the emergency room or in the doctor's office and show him, hey, I got one like you, except mine's not near as cool as yours, right? Let him practice putting bandages on daddy,

right? And you're going to begin to slowly not norm it, but you're going to give him a picture of what this looks like. And then I would recommend talking with the social worker that's going to be at the hospital there. Is there any sort of resources for a play therapist, for a specialized counselors who help mediate, help navigate these conversations with parents to talk to these kids. Sometimes in play therapy, which is the language of children, which is play, they can teach kids, hey, this is going to really be uncomfortable and it's going to be hurt and sad and that's okay. And look at daddy. He's got a big, we drew his as pretend, but you're tough because you've got to write all those things down the road. And then navigating the fear of, I hope this works.

I hope this goes well. So I need you to know you're a brave mom. I love your spirit. I love your heart. I love that you and your husband are connected still. And we will be thinking and praying for that little boy of yours. I want you to let us know how the surgery goes.

And here's to more decades than we know what to do with. Decade upon decade upon decade. And let us know about your new friends that you get too. And those are going to be some awkward, weird conversations. I can't wait to hear them. All right, so as we wrap up today's show, you know what? We're going straight here.

In 1988, after they sold like 90 or 800 billion, trillion records with their first rock record, a lot of loudness, a lot of songs that you can't sing in public. Guns N' Roses came out with their Appetite for Destruction record, and then they surprised everybody by circling up with an acoustic record. And on that, I'll never forget the video for the song Patience, right?

And then a few weeks ago, or maybe a few months ago, I guess now, Chris Cornell, who recently passed passed away singer of Soundgarden easily the greatest rock singer voice ever comes out with a record called They Don't Sing Like You Anymore it's a record of covers and he does a cover of Patience

that just chills me to the bone so Guns N' Roses did it man it's incredible the original and then Chris Cornell came out with his version the rare cover that makes you go whoo whoa and the song goes like this

I shed a tear cause I'm missing you and I'm still alright to smile girl I think about you everyday now was a time when I wasn't sure, but you set my mind at ease and there is no doubt you're in my heart now. Said woman, take it slow. It'll work itself out fine. All we need is just a little patience. Said sugar, make it slow and we'll come together fine. And all we need is just a little patience. I sit here on the steps because I'd rather be alone.

If I can't have you right now, I'll wait here. Sometimes I get so tense, but I can't speed up the time. But you know, love, there's one more thing to consider. I've been walking the streets at night just trying to get it right. It's hard to see with so many around. I won't sing. You know I don't like being stuck I won't do it because I'm going to get into it now.

This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.