The Dr. John Delony Show - Living with ADHD

Episode Date: September 23, 2020

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So, send us your questions, leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291, or email [e-mail]. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 02:03: I found a sibling through ancestry DNA online, how do I navigate this new relationship? 10:43: John explains the concept: "we act on what we focus on" 14:37: I have a toxic husband, how do I go forward? 23:05: How do handle being married to a spouse with ADHD Scattered - Dr. Gabor Maté 40:25: Lyrics of the day: "China" - Tori Amos   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.  

Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Today we are talking about how to talk to a relative that you didn't know existed. We're talking about, should I get divorced or should I stick it out? And we're talking about being married to somebody with ADHD, something my wife knows a lot about. Stay tuned. What's up? I am John, and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm taking your calls about your life. We're talking about relationships, your relational IQ, your marriages, your parenting, the slow dumpster fire that is homeschooling in

millions of homes, the fact that entire states seem to be on fire, there are hurricanes in the Gulf. It's just a tough time for everybody. You know what we're even going to talk about? Maybe, maybe they reply all people. They reply all people who thinks that everyone cares that you're in, or I'm grateful, or who just needs to see your stupid thumbs up emoji. Don't reply all unless you have to, folks, right? We're going to be talking about all of it. So whatever's going

on in your heart, whatever's going on in your mind, whatever's going on in your home or your neighborhood, give me a call. I'm here to walk with you. My number is 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or you can email me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. Leave your name, a message. Kelly's going to read those emails and she will circle back and get in touch with you. So I'm so excited to take your calls. I'm so excited to get your emails. And hey, here's the deal. Shout out to everybody. We launched this podcast. It launched at number one. It is remaining way, way up there. It's outdoing all of our expectations. I'm so grateful for the callers. I'm so grateful for the listeners. Thank you so much. We are all in this together. And let's go right to the phones, man. Let's go to Jeremy in Atlanta. Jeremy, what is up, my man? Dr. D, huge fan. Thank you so much for taking my call. Man, I'm a fan of you, brother. How can I help? All right. So the ultimate question is,

I found that I have a sibling through the miracles of ancestry DNA, and I want to know how to navigate that. Basically, have I done all I can do to foster that relationship? Wow. So you were just putting along on the internet and suddenly you've got a sibling. Tell me about this. Well, all right. So never knew who my dad was. I was raised by my grandparents. My mom was 15 when she had me. There's a whole not other backstory to that. We won't go there. I have other siblings, but I didn't really meet them until I was an adult.

She had four other kids, and they grew up on the other side of the country and all that stuff. So I was raised as an only child, so I didn't really know how to have siblings. And I've got pretty good relationships with the, uh, with the other siblings that my mom had, but my dad, who I never knew about is, um, how we end up with this other sister. Um, and, uh, so she's just two months younger than me. And, uh, she grew up just like 30, 40 minutes away from where I grew up, which is kind of wild into each other type of thing, you know? Um, so two years ago, um, my wife talked me into doing the ancestry thing just to kind of see, uh, and, um, so it came back that I had this, you know, it says close relative. It doesn't really tell you, you got to like kind of look through it. And, uh, it said half sister or aunt or whatever it says. And so

I just reach out and, you know, we start talking and whatever. And, and, um, and, and things go great. Turns out she was adopted at birth. So she never knew anybody either. Um, she got her mother, she got her adoption records when she, you know, turned 18 or so and got in contact with her birth mom. Her birth mom gave her information on her father. Um, and then she never just, she just kind of dropped it and didn't do anything with it. And then, so when I reached out, we kind of went down that path together.

Um, and we found out that he had died back in the 90s. Oh, wow. Yeah, like while we were still teenagers. So, man, number one, that's an incredible story. High five to your wife for... It's kind of wild, right? Yeah, I mean, you've got to tie a bunch of loose ends that up until just five or six or seven years ago, most people had to go through the rest of their life being completely untethered, not knowing a lot about their family history or where they're from.

And so you've got to find out, man, more about your history than most people throughout the world have been able to find out in your similar situation. And you've reconnected. So how can I help you with where you're at right now? All right. So that was two years ago. And we talked all the time. We got caught up. We, you know, we discovered things about our dad. We tried to reach out to that side of the family. They don't want anything to do with us. That's fine. Moved on from that. Um, but we live about

a thousand miles apart, um, my sister and I, and she still lives up by where, you know, we both grew up. And, um, and so anyway, so it was, you know, she's got a busy life. I've got a busy life, but I still go back home occasionally. And the plan was always to, you know, meet up next time I was in the area. Well, I've been up there, I don't know, four or five times now. And it's always, yeah, we'll do this. We'll do that. And then when I get there, it's nothing. Now I don't go there just for her. I go there to see other people. I have other reasons to go there, but always, it always falls through. So y'all have never met in person?

No. We've never even talked on the phone. It's always been text or Facebook message, things like that. Okay. So, Jeremy, can I acknowledge something? Sure. This sucks. It's weird for sure.

No, hold on. So here's the deal. You're a hardcore dude. You've had to put up with some crap in your life. Your dad abandoned you and he shouldn't have. And evidently your mom is a saint and you married well and you must have done some hard work because you are a together guy. And the fact that you – and I'm just going to lay it out and be direct. You called me, right?

So I'm going to lay it out and be direct. You called me, right? So I'm going to lay it out. The fact that you reached out, made yourself vulnerable, and somebody is once again choosing to reject you, dude, that sucks. It shouldn't be like that, and I hate that for you. That's more than, you know. I mean, dude, that sucks, and I hate that for you. I appreciate it. In terms of, like, are you doing the best you can? At some point, you got to let it be what it is, which is she doesn't want to hang out with you, doesn't want to talk to you.

And so that's what I thought. And then the last time I was up there, I backed off it. I said, you know what? I'm sorry. I pushed this on you. That's it. I'm done. We'll, you know, we'll connect when you want to connect or not. And that was, I don't know, 18 months or so ago, maybe not quite. And, and then about a year ago now, she was like, Hey, I'm going to be where you live. I'm going to be in Atlanta. Let's hook up. Cool. Awesome. Clear my schedule, all this stuff. And the time comes and crickets nothing i don't get a call i don't get

a text until she's back on the plane oh and it's some other excuse whatever right and we really other than like christmas and birthdays we really haven't had any conversations since then and the conversations only ever been by text and never jeremy that's what it's gonna be brother yeah that's what it's gonna be basically need to know from some you know from somebody that hey I've done all I can do and I can let that part go so listen doing all you can do is whatever you decide it is there's a point when you do too much and that's when someone's got to come in and draw a boundary on you but the reality is man you've done a noble thing which is to reach out I think that's I think it's a to come in and draw a boundary on you. But the reality is, man, you've done a noble thing, which is to reach out.

I think it's a hard step. Again, it's a vulnerable step again because you don't know what you're reaching out into. And you are wrestling with this fantasy. And the downside of being able to connect with folks that are from our past that otherwise throughout history we never would have known, there's an upside to it. And I talked about that at the beginning of this call. The downside is, man, you don't know what you're walking into, and it becomes this we're so desperate to be tethered to a lineage, to be tethered to a legacy, to know our brothers and sisters,

and to be known, right? To know that we're not crazy out there in the world, just flapping in the wind. And nobody should know us better than those that share our DNA, right? Our brothers and our sisters and our half brothers and our half sisters. And it's so easy to get sucked into a fantasy, which is we're going to connect. We're going to have this moment. She's going to look like me. I'm going to look a little bit like her.

We're going to laugh the same. And then we're going to start having Christmases and Thanksgivings together. And I'm going to be able to patchwork this family back. This one that, again, man, your dad left you high and dry. You've had to deal with that pain throughout your whole life. You're going to be able to stitch this sucker back together. And we're going to get to some semblance of, man. And I hate to tell you this, Jeremy. it doesn't look like it's going to happen. I can't imagine the pain and the disconnection your sister's going through,

so I'm not trying to put her on blast. It is what it is. But you've done a lot, and I think you're a gift, and I think that you've got to let the fantasy go. And maybe one day out of the blue, she reaches out. And I think when that happens, you and your wife need to have talked about what are our boundaries going to be? Are we going to let somebody come live with us?

Are we going to not, I don't know, loan money? Or what is that going to look like for us? But I think setting up those boundaries ahead of time is smart. But man, you've done what you can do. You've put it out there. I wish there was a nicer way to say this. She's rejected the opportunities to meet both you there and her here. Man, I'd let that right off into the sunset. I think a birthday and Christmas is a good time to text. I think that's great. Yeah. So thanks for the call, Jeremy. Man, I'm just rattling in my head what it would be like, and I just know I'm somebody who would, golly, I would struggle with that

because I want everyone to be whole. I want everyone to love me. I want everyone to be in a relationship with me, and it just sucks when someone's like, yeah, let's super meet up, and then they don't, and then like, yeah, for sure, for sure, this time we're going to meet up, and then they don't, then they don't. Hey, thank you so much, Jeremy. Let's go to an email real quick. Vladimir says, I've heard you say

that we act on what we focus on. Would you be able to elaborate on that and possibly talk more in depth as to how to change someone's focused format? So I don't really know what a focused format is, Vladimir, but I do like this idea, this question. Here's the deal. When we are struggling with what to do, we have default settings. We have things that we want to do in our life. We have goals that we want to achieve. We have things that we don't want to do in our life. So much of the time, we focused on stopping stuff we don't love.

We focused on not doing other things, right? Instead of focusing on where we want to be and where we don't love. We focused on not doing other things, right? Instead of focusing on where we want to be and where we want to head. And so when you focus on negative stuff, not being overweight, not being a crappy dad, not being always a late employee, right? That may be me. Your brain focuses on negative things and you basically become a highway road repair person, right? Instead of focusing on, I want to be the most productive. I want to be the most collegial. I want to be the teammate at work that people count on. I want to be a guy who is healthy and able to roll

around on the floor with my great grandkids when I'm a hundred. And the decisions I'm making now about fitness and about nutrition and about mental health are going to pay in to that vision, right? I'm going to live towards something. Then you are not a highway repairman. You are a architect. You're a highway designer. You're an engineer. You're something that's building something for the future here. And so I think when you talk about how to change your format, that has to do with painting a picture of where you want to go and not getting Pinterest quotes, not getting the latest whatever ad or whatever slogan on top of a subway, right? That's not it. It is painting a picture of what am I going to look like when I'm healthy? What am I going to look like when I'm physically

fit? What am I going to look like? What is the picture of a good dad going to look like? That's going to be me in my front yard playing catch with my son, with my daughter on my shoulders while she's trying to tackle me to the ground, and we are laughing, and we are carrying on, and we are rolling around in the grass, and we're being goofy, and then it starts raining, and we don't go inside. It's all of those things all at once.

That's a picture of a good dad for me, of somebody who's played their money card right, and there's going to be money in the bank for my kids to go to college. There's going to be money in the bank for my kids to go to college. There's going to be money in the bank for them. If my son decides to go to the military, that I'm going to have a house for him when he's out, right? Because I've taken care of my business on the front end. I'm going to be able to play with my grandkids.

I'm going to be able to get in the floor and get back up and get back in the floor and get back up because I exercise all the time and I take care of my nutrition. That's what it's like, man. So, Vladimir, this is a great question. I want to challenge everybody to stop focusing on the bad stuff that you want to be different and start focusing on where you want to go and how you're going to attain that. This stuff goes by the wayside. It goes by the wayside. I heard this great analogy. The baseball players, when they're getting a slump and they're struggling with their swing, they used to go watch tape of their slump, how bad their swings were. And then they realized that it was just self-reinforcing the bad swings. And so then they go back. Now what they do is they go back and look at swings that from when they were killing it.

And sometimes a swing shift is an inch, right? It's a tiny little trajectory this way. And so it refocuses the good stuff in their heads. It's focusing on where you want to be, not what you want to get away from, right? So that's my thought there, Vladimir. Thank you so much for that email, man. That's excellent. Let's go right back to the phone.

Let's go to Britt in Fort Worth, Texas. Britt, good morning. How are we doing? Good morning, John. Thank you for taking my call. I'm kind of going through a tough, difficult time right now because me and my husband are now going through the process of divorce. I hate that for you. I'm so sorry. And it's kind of like right now, it's like we're now able to talk to each other now where we can talk now, I guess because the word marriage is not kind of on the table anymore, but it's like we're now able to talk to each other now where we can talk now, I guess, because the word marriage is not kind of on the table anymore.

But it's like trying to move forward. So it's like, how do you rebuild yourself once coming from this situation? Like, because it's my feelings are going back and forth, like divorce or no divorce. And we have four kids together. So it's like, do I need to really go forward with this or do I need to just go stay the path and just go ahead and divorce and let bygones be bygones? So one of my general rules is this, is I'm never going to tell somebody except in rare situations that you need to go get divorced right now. Okay? That's a trauma. That is a deep life change that shouldn't be taken lightly and some knucklehead on the radio shouldn't pop off and recommend that.

But I will ask a couple of questions and help you walk me through where you're at. The first thing is you said you're in the process. So have you filed on him or has he filed on you? What does that said you're in the process. So have you filed on him or has he filed on you? What does that mean you're in the process? We've both said that we want a divorce. Okay. But then it's like neither one of us have actually went and took that extra step to go down and file. So why do you want a divorce? Why did you tell your husband, you know what, it's time, I want a divorce? He's not loving me the way he needs to love me. Like, I love him more than he probably can love me. And I put him before everything else. And he has controlling behavior. He's a narcissist. And it's getting to the point now, like, where you're locking me out of my phone. You're basically keeping me away from my friends and family. It's gotten to that point where now I've given excuses to you for years. And now it's gotten to the point now, we have four kids, I have three boys, and I don't want my sons growing up thinking that this is the kind of behavior that you're supposed to display to a woman.

Gotcha. And we have a daughter and I don't want my daughter to think that this is how a man supposed to treat you when she gets to that age of dating. So you just rattled off some things that you're worried about your kids. And I think those are noble. And I think this idea of setting examples, putting out models for your kids to follow is critical and super important. But right now I want to talk about you. You said that you don't think he loves you like he's supposed to. Be more specific for me. You said he's locking you out of your phone?

He changes your password on your phone? Yeah. What are some other ways that... Well, he constantly accuses me of cheating, and I mean, there's no reason to do it, but I mean, he served in the military, and he's been vulnerable, so there's no telling of what it could possibly be or what is going on. Are you safe? Yes. Are you emotionally safe? No.

Explain that. Tell me more. and what's going on without feeling the fear of judgment or feeling like he's going to throw it to the wayside because I went through four pregnancies with him, and I had postpartum depression really bad. And, you know, you really need that connection, and you need someone there to give you that assurance. And I wasn't able to get that assurance. Have you and him gone to see a counselor together? Have you all gone and talked to somebody at your local church or a couple that you trust just to say, hey, what's going on?

How come? Why not? He's got a psych degree and it's kind of like he's got that whole, I have the psychology degree and I know what they're going to say and I know how they feel. And that's what it is, kind of mentality. What about you? Have you gone to see somebody? I've spoken to a lot of different people, and everybody's basically, you know, everybody has their own type of opinion of how to approach this going forward.

No, no, no. I'm not talking about just a bunch of random people. I'm talking about have you gone to a counselor yourself? I did when I was going through post-mortem depression, but I did not talk to them about my marriage or anything. Okay. Britt, I think before you do anything, you need to go sit down with a professional, with someone that is skilled in talking about marriages, that is skilled in helping people walk through what your next steps should be, and that you can really dig into your relationship, your four kids, and what your future might or might not look like.

You owe that to yourself. You deserve, Britt, I want you to hear me. Are you hearing me? Yes. You deserve to be well. You're a mom of four beautiful babies, three knucklehead little boys, and a beautiful little girl. And you deserve to be a fully whole mom. Something here doesn't sound right to me.

Something here sounds a little bit... I just imagine if we sat down for an hour or two, there'd be a whole lot more to this story. So this is one that's just hard to unwind in 10 minutes or 15 minutes on a radio call. And that's why I'm just going to plead with you to go speak with somebody. I wish, wish, wish your husband would too. My guess is he's got a long story to tell as well and that he's dealing with his own challenges. And he would benefit greatly from having an environment where he can be vulnerable and talk to people what's going on. But there is a lot, lot here.

Backing out 30,000 feet, here's my couple of words on divorce. First thing is you got four kids, a divorce is going to be a major life change for y'all. And so again, it's not something to be taken lightly. It's not something just to ask random people at a bingo hall or at a church or at the grocery store. This is something to be taken very, very seriously. The second thing is, is there is something in your voice that makes me wonder what wholeness looks like, what safety looks like. And I want you to find a professional. And I also want you to find a mentor, an older woman who maybe has been down this road before in your community that you can just sit down, not in a flyby, but someone's going to spend a couple hours with you,

that you can sit down and just let all this out and talk. That can be a guiding light for you. Divorce is no joke, but being in an unsafe relationship is no joke either. For everybody out there struggling with this idea of should I get divorced, should I not, it feels like everybody does it, right? It feels like this real common thing. You know, you hear the stats thrown around, one out of two, one out of three, whatever the numbers happen to be on whatever given internet article pops up. Here's the thing.

We hear it so often that we think it's just this easy thing to do, and it's not. Divorce is hard. It is a loss. I tell people to treat it like the death of somebody. And it's sometimes harder than a death because the person's not dead. You can't fully grieve them being gone because they're still there. And if you have four kids, you're still going to have a relationship with them for the foreseeable future, right? So get some wisdom in your life, get a professional, get a friend. And thanks for the call, Britt.

Thanks for being vulnerable and being open. But you are right. You need to go talk to somebody. I could hear it in your voice. And call me back when you make some decisions. I'd love to hear where your next steps are going to go. And if we can help you, man, make the next crooked wobbly step

as you figure out what's next. So let us know how things are going. All right, we're going to go to Laura in Phoenix, Arizona. Laura, good morning. Good morning. How are we doing? Good morning, John. Thanks for taking my call.

You bet. Thank you for calling in. How can I help? Yeah, I'm hoping to just gain some insight and possible direction on how to navigate a marriage relationship with a partner who has ADHD. Oh, I feel like you're typecasting me here, that I may or may not have that myself. Yeah, I mean, it's tricky because it's all the ADHD things that I love most about him, and that's why we fell in love. He just has so much enthusiasm and such a big heart and he's so much fun. I got divorced from a previous marriage and have

two kiddos that I have primary custody of and he just jumped right in and no hesitation just strapped his arms right around them and it's just been such a good fun dad for them. There's just so many things about the ADHD and just who he is as a person that I love. But now as time's gone on over the relationship, I didn't really understand ADHD and its full effect on adults and relationships. And we've kind of just been unknowingly playing into what I'm learning now as a pretty classic toxic relationship dance between a non-ADHD and an untreated ADHD partner. Excellent. So explain some of the things you are learning. They're probably going to sound a lot like my home.

Go ahead. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of that parent-child dynamic where I kind of just take on the majority of the load for our family, being the responsible one and the person that follows through and has that executive functioning. And I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD, which lends me towards being the more over-functioning kind of controlling partner. Okay. And so it's been easy for us to kind of just get stuck in that dance where I'm trying to boss him around and remind him to do all of these kind of just basic adult things.

Right. Does this put a pretty significant strain on your intimate life? Yes. Yes. A huge, a huge strain on your intimate life? Yes, yes. A huge, a huge strain on that for sure. It makes it really hard for me to feel like I'm in a partnership with him or that I'm like romantically attracted to him when I feel like he's just my third kid.

Yeah, I was going to say one of the challenges that folks in this type of relationship struggle with is to just put it out there. Nobody wants to be intimate with their mom and nobody wants to be intimate with their kid. And the longer this goes, the more that gulf, those relationships get redefined. And did you struggle with this in your previous marriage? No, my previous marriage was just an abusive situation. I had to just get out to protect myself and my kids. So it was definitely different.

So you ran, and I don't mean that negatively, but you ran into the arms of someone who was the exact opposite, who almost has no filter on the relational engagement part of his brain, who is all in all the time, and more importantly, who let you have the driver's seat in this time, right? In this relationship, you got to drive, you get to be the boss, you get to be mom. And that sounds so fun for the screaming, fearful part of your relational brain that was in an abusive relationship. And now it's way too much, right? No fun.

Yeah, exactly. And I was just that single mom that was juggling all the plates by myself and was used to doing everything. And he just kind of slid in and was like, sweet, this is great and comfy and I'm doing everything. And then a year in, I'm realizing, wait, I'm doing everything. And there's a perfectly capable adult right here who's not. Yes, yes, yes. Okay, so how can I help specifically in your situation? Yeah, I'm just helping to get some tips and guidance on how we can best navigate it moving forward

so we don't just get stuck in a toxic spiral where we're just struggling to get along with each other and struggling to remain attracted to each other and those kinds of things. What are some tips as far as that goes? Oh, I love it. Okay, so the first thing I want you to do is this, and I've mentioned his book several times before. I've got it here. I'm going to hold it up. Man, I brought this today. This is just, couldn't be more extraordinary timing here. This is a book called Scattered by Gabor Mate, last name M-A-T-E and it's a first person narrative a science book

it's the best book on ADHD relationships and being in a relationship with someone with ADHD I've ever come across in my life it is a hard read and I mean hard

not difficult but hard emotionally it's been hard for my wife to read it was hard for me going through it one day when my kids read it

they're going to have a hard time with it. And when I recommend it to people, it's hard. Here's why. ADD is not an illness in the medical sense, right? It drives me crazy when it turns into a medical issue. And because we've developed some medication that helps it a little bit, we think it's a disease. We think it's a medical dysfunction, and it's not. ADHD, Mate says it's not a fixed inherited brain disorder. It's a set of physiological,

biological consequences of an environment, of behavior that's allowed, and chaos, right? And so here's the thing. Is your husband on medication of any kind? No, he's not doing anything to treat it right now. Okay. That's fine. And I usually recommend medication as a second or third or fourth option. I don't mean to be graphic here, but medicine for ADHD is a stopgap. It can be like diarrhea medication can stop the explosions, right? It's not going to fix your core stomach issues. What medication can do is help somebody focus, but that focus is only good if they're using it to develop new relational skills. And really at the end of the day, a person with ADHD struggles with this idea of impulse control. It's grown people acting like children because

they never developed. It's a developmental disorder, right? It's literally disordered thoughts. For folks who are listening to this, think of it this way. Dr. Mate gives this great example. All the thoughts are traveling down a highway and there's a police officer there who is stopping traffic coming this way and he's waving it on just like a traffic stop. For somebody with an ADHD mind, it's not that their thoughts are out of control. It's just that the policeman is just sitting down letting traffic go. So they all get in the same place at the same time, which ADHD medication is really a stimulant. They fire your brain up, and it helps reorder some things.

And it doesn't sound like somebody with ADHD would need a stimulant, and it helps reorder some things that doesn't sound like somebody with adhd would need a stimulant but it helps reorder it helps get that policeman back where they need to be and they are directing traffic in the right way and so as we talked about man no mom wants to hook up with their son no son wants to hook up with their mom right this change does not start well it starts with you some but it, but this change really starts with your husband. Your husband has to get exhausted with being exhausted. Now, this is me. This is the pot talking to the kettle on this one, okay?

There had to be a time in my life when I just had to say enough is enough is enough. ADHD is a context, not an excuse. What does that mean? That means that people with ADHD often struggle with magical time. Time doesn't exist. Or I have to be at work at 10 minutes, it's a 30-minute drive, and I'm hopping into the shower at 9.55. The fact that it's not 10 yet, I got plenty of time. The people who work with me here on this show they'll know does that sound like something at your house? oh yeah for sure so hey you know what

it's fine if the kids just stay up till midnight tonight to watch this movie and Twinkies have some nutritional value we're going to be fine mom we're going to be fine and it will all work out tomorrow and there is this magical consequence-free environment that folks live in

here's the deal that's not reality and that's not true out tomorrow. And there is this magical consequence-free environment that folks live in. Here's the deal. That's not reality and that's not true. And a person with ADHD has the ability to know that that's not true. What they have to do is create, go as far as they can upstream and create systems and context and behavior change in themselves that starts with this idea that he is worth being loved. Most people with ADHD come from places of either chaotic environments or they come from environments where people withheld. There was neglect. There were people that didn't teach them ways to live and love. Sometimes it's when people take care of, when parents take care of all of their stuff for their kids.

Sometimes it's when parents take care of none of their stuff for their kids and kids are constantly, constantly, constantly living in chaotic environments. But he's got to learn to love himself. And when he learns to love himself, then he learns that he is worth parenting himself. And that begins with cleaning up external chaos, cleaning environments, being on time, getting sleep, good nutrition, but all that stuff, you don't eat right if you don't

think you're worth it. You don't sleep right if, I'm just another guy, right? And that's when you come in. It starts with you sitting down, or your part of this starts with you sitting down with him and saying, I'm done being your mom. I'm your wife. I'm in love with you. Romantically, I'm not cleaning up after you. I'm not getting you out of bed anymore. And if you get fired and you can't hold

a job, I'm going to have to protect my kids from a bad example. And I'm going to have to implement some measures. And that may be us not being together. That may be us having to separate for a time until you are taking care of yourself, but I can't have my kids picking up and learning more chaos because that's how ADHD gets passed along. It's not passed on genetically. It's passed on environmentally. There is a genetic component, but does that make sense? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. What do you say is the best way to kind of help him get Because I think it really is comorbid, the ADHD With kind of a feeling of learned helplessness and depression

Like no matter how hard he tries, he just keeps failing And so he's really struggling to go get help Yeah, it plays into itself, right? So then you fail at a bunch of stuff You get fired from a job because you don't show up on time. And on the way home, you stop at four different fast food restaurants because you don't care about your nutrition. And then you have eight Diet Cokes before you go to bed, which means you don't sleep, which means the whole cycle starts over again, right? Yeah, yep.

And then you spin out. And the only way an ADHD person – and I'm speaking generally here. There's going to be somebody out there with it going, that's not my case. Well, congratulations. What most people, the way you turn the alarms off is through hugs, through connection, through excitement and novelty, right? And so there are probably some pretty wild romantic nights y'all have had. Am I fair? Oh yeah. Yeah. And it's incredible. And it actually makes up for a lot of the times when the dishes aren't done. Right? And so they can be the best lovers and the best friends.

And God Almighty, they are a beating to live with. And again, this is me. This is the pot talking to kettle here. So what your husband needs to do is this. Y'all need to, number one, have you sat down and had a real hard conversation with him yet? Oh, yeah. We've had, I mean, we've had kind of gentle nudges over the last year of me being like, Hey, this is, this is hard for me to live with. Why don't you go get some treatment? You know? And just this last week, it really just like came crashing down like a bunch of bricks.

And I was like, I cannot live with this long term or I'm going to go crazy. I'm already getting depressed and I need you to go get help. I love you. I love you for who you are, but in like a romantic relationship, I need this to be a partnership and I can't, I can't be so unequal all the time. And I need you to go get help or I can't do this anymore. And so what I want to challenge you to do is y'all go get help. Yeah. Because ADHD is healed through connection. It's healed through other people. And it's healed through lessening the chaos. And that's not something that people can do by themselves.

And I know that's hard on you because the whole thing you want is him just to act like a grown-up. And he needs to act like a grown-up. And I'm living proof you can act like a grown-up. I've got my days. Oh, God Almighty, I've got my days, right? I struggle with that. But you can act like a grownup. I've got my days. Oh God almighty, I've got my days, right? I struggle with that, but you can act like a grownup and you can hold a job and you can decide I'm going to eat right and sleep right so that the next morning I wake up refreshed and I can be in control of my executive functioning. And I can, over time, develop from a child to an adult.

I can do all those things. They take practice and they take connection. And so a couple of things like we talked about throughout this call, I just want to wrap this up and really put a bow on this. I want you and your husband to get together and read this book, Scattered Together by Dr. Amate. I want you to have a offsite. I want you to take them out of your house. I want y'all to go take them out of your house. Take them out of y'all's house, I want you to take him out of your house. I want y'all to go take him out of y'all house. Take him out of y'all's house. I want you to go to lunch, go to breakfast. I want you to tell him you're not doing well. And this is not a blow up time. This is a quiet time. This isn't in the heat of some exchange or yet another time he didn't pick a socks up or whatever. And I want you to tell him that you love him, that he is worth being loved, he is worth being connected to, and that he does not have the skills to be connected and that you want to go with him to a marriage counselor who specializes in ADHD, and there are a bunch of them.

And I want you to walk with him through this journey for as long as you can. It may be that medication's necessary. If he's 25, 35, 45, and he's never wrestled with this, sometimes medication can really help. I've had a buddy of mine, a couple of buddies of mine, who in their 40s and 50s took medication for the first time, and they said it was like being in a crowded stadium, and someone just turned the noise down, and they didn't know it. One of them wept as he told me about it. He said, I never could have imagined it. And by having the volume of the stadium turned down, then he can finally listen to his wife and be in connection with her. And medication can do that. It's not a long-term solution. It's not going to fix you,

but it may give you some space to go learn some new skills or your husband to go learn some new skills. Counseling for disconnection, learn how to be in a relationship, nutrition, exercise, sleep, sleep, sleep, getting out into nature, playing, just enjoying life, right? But learning how to do it in the right times. All of these are fixes. All of these are ways to help a, I don't want to use the word fix. I want to back up. All of these are ways to help somebody with ADHD develop into an adult mind, a responsible mind. It is a process. It's an adventure and it's a journey. But if you hear nothing else, ADHD is not a disease, does not have to be the rest of your life. And you can fix it. You can't, I said fix again, people, I'm trying not to say fix. We're not machines.

You can develop and grow up. I'm testament here. I'm proof of it. I held a day job and I showed up to work on time. I even showed up early today with my work prepared and you can too. Thank you so much for the call, Laura. Thank you so much for everybody calling today. And hey, I want to end with the song lyrics of the day. The greatest, the greatest, the greatest songwriter of all time. The greatest, like this woman inspired my soul when I was in college. Oh my goodness. Just thinking about this song makes my eyes water a little bit, makes my heartbeat a little bit faster.

This is a song about love. This is a song about separation. This is a song about the gulf between two people. It's from the 1992 classic, Little Earthquakes, by the greatest songwriter of all time, Tori Amos. This is her song, China.

It goes like this. China, all the way to New York. I can feel the distance getting close. You're right next to me, but I need an airplane. I can feel the distance as you breathe. And sometimes I think you want me to touch you. Well, how can I when you build a great wall around you? In your eyes, I saw a future together. Ah, but you just look away into the distance. Tori, I can feel the distance. I can feel the distance getting close.

Tori, don't give up on you, and I won't give up on you either. This is The Dr. John Deloney Show. show.