The Dr. John Delony Show - Living with In-Laws, Pursuing Friendships, Marriage During Deployment

Episode Date: October 26, 2020

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So, send us your questions, leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291, or email [e-mail]. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 1:58: I am recently married and living with my husband's parents. How do I motivate him to pay off debt so we can move out? 11:26: How and when do I tell my 5-year-old that his father is really his stepfather? 18:55: I am 24 years old and the youngest of 10 mostly married siblings. How do I maintain relationships with them when they have families of their own? 36:50: Should we put cameras in our house before my husband is deployed overseas? 44:01: Lyrics of the day: "Runaway Train" - Soul Asylum tags: in-laws, marriage, newlyweds, adoption, fatherhood, parenting, siblings, family, friendships, rejection, deployment, military families These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, on today's show, we're going to be talking about honeymooning at your in-law's house, how to have hard conversations with your kids. We're going to talk to somebody who's struggling because their brothers and sisters don't have time for her. And we're going to talk to an awesome wife and mother who just wants to be perfect for her husband while he's deployed.

Stay tuned. Heyo, it's John, and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show, where we're taking your calls about life, your calls about your relationships, your calls about your parents, your marriages, all of it. The goal of this show is to help you rethink, re-examine, reconsider your lives, how you talk to yourself, how you talk to your kids, how you talk to your neighbors, your kids' teachers, how you talk to your folks, how you talk to those who you love, those who you don't love, right? And on this show, we may talk about love, we may talk about loss, we may talk about family issues, heartbreak, or we may talk about one of my favorite things in the entire world, and that is dads who change.

Dads who say, I don't care so much about the next promotion, I care about hugging my kids. I care about looking my wife in the eye, looking people that I love in the eye and saying, I'm here for you. Dads who decide, you know what? I'm going to stop running from my childhood pain. I'm going to reconnect. We may talk about dads because dads can change family systems when they say no more. Let's get reconnected. We're going to talk about all of it on this show.

So anyway, whatever's going on in your home, in your heart, in your head, give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or you can email me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. Askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. Let's go straight to it here. Let's go to Erica in Pittsburgh. Erica, good morning. How are we doing? I'm doing well. How are go to Erica in Pittsburgh. Erica, good morning. How are we doing? I'm doing well. How are you? Fantastic. What's going on in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania today? Not a whole lot. I'm actually just calling because I have a question. I'm just wondering how I can get my husband motivated to put off his school loans so we can move out from his parents' house. Uh-oh. How long have you been living in his parents' house? It's actually only been a month and a half.

And you're already done with it? Yes. Yes. So, man, that's awesome. So how is it going? I mean, it hasn't been, like, too bad. There's been a few instances where kind of like cross paths with the in-laws that kind of makes me uncomfortable where like they're trying to put

their input in and it's really hard to like tell them you know kind of keep out it's our situation not you guys's so we're kind of like just really stuck at this point but it is their house so they kind of get to tell you what they want to, right? Yeah. But it's your marriage and it's real frustrating, right? Yes, exactly. How long have you been married? A month and a half.

Oh, so you went straight from your honeymoon to your in-law's house. Yeah, exactly. Is there any way to kill the buzz of a honeymoon, a COVID honeymoon, like moving in with your mother-in-law? So tell me about this awesome guy you married. You love him. You're living in his mom's house and he doesn't want to pay stuff off.

Tell me about that. Yeah. So he actually started paying off his school loan in the beginning of january um but it's kind of to the point right now where we only owe about six seven thousand on it and obviously between the both of us we have enough to pay it off like right this second um i'm not really sure why i know what what this is. He doesn't want to move, does he? I don't think he wants to move. He likes his mama's house.

And he likes his live-in wife. Man, this dude likes having it all at the same time, huh? Yeah. So do y'all have a plan? When you moved into his mom's house, did y'all have a, we're going to do this for six months, we're going to do this for, in your mind, 45 days, and then we're out of here? What was the plan moving in? Well, we actually didn't set a specific date. It was just kind of like, well, we're going to work on this school loan.

Once we get the school loan paid off, then we're going to save a little bit to either get a down payment for a house or to find somewhere to rent. But we did talk about it last month and we said we would like to pay off a school loan by November. That way we have some time to save up. But there hasn't been a whole lot of movement in the school loan. So it sounds like you need to address this as a values conversation, not as a math problem, not as a tactical solution, but as a who are we going to be and where are we going to be conversation, like an emotional and a geographical conversation, not a student loan issue. I think you he doesn't even like being there, but there's parts of his amygdala system that feels safe there. And he's got to grow the heck up once he moves out. And he has grown up because he got married. He has grown up because he's graduated college.

But there's a part of him that's not ready to grow up, and that's that time. And what I would do if I was you is take him out somewhere. You'll have a planning retreat of some sort and let him know we're moving out in three months. Or I want to, that's probably a little bit strong for a values conversation. Let him know it's my preference that we start our life together by ourselves in our own place, even if we have to grind it out in a one-bedroom apartment and live on love and, and, and. But if it was up to me, we would be out of there in three months total. So we'd be out of here in a month and a half. What is your thoughts on how long we're going to live here? And make it less about the debt part

and more about where are we going to be and who we're going to be. Because here's the deal. Once you decide, okay, we're going to be out of here in five months. We're going to be out of here in three months. Then you know, he knows we're a debt-free couple. We're a couple that's not going to have these chains wrapped around our necks as we start our life together. And so we need to go ahead and get that paid off because that's going to be the first thing

we do. And that way it takes away the whole, it takes away the hook of my mom's house because I've got this student loan hanging out there. That's off the table. It's a values conversation. And while you're there, you can talk about what your home is going to be like, what the next five years are going to be like, what grad school is going to look like if that's what you're going to –

you can have a broader values-based conversation. Did you all do premarital counseling? We did not. You didn't. No. So I would recommend doing that now. It would be called, I guess, immediately after marriage counseling or post-marriage counseling. walk alongside you guys and give you good questions, give you good exercises to do as a couple to begin to build your communication style as a couple. Why did y'all get married so soon?

How long did y'all date? We actually were together for about two and a half, almost three years. And, I mean, we honestly couldn't even decide on a wedding date and finally we just picked one and we're like this is the one we're doing it we're going for it and that was pretty much why so I just said why'd you get married so soon I said the wrong thing let me ask let me rephrase it and say why did you get married or how did you get married so loosey-goosey it just you just said it. It feels like y'all were just like, okay, and then we'll just do this, and then let's just do that. There hasn't been a lot of intentionality behind it.

Right. Tell me about that. Is it because of COVID? Is it because of the world? Usually weddings are a thing, and getting married is a thing, and it feels like y'all are just like, you want to go to Sonic? Or we can go to Wendy's, and it's like, ah, let's go to Wendy's. a thing and it feels like y'all just like uh you want to go to sonic or we can go to wendy's it's like ah let's go to wendy's that's what it feels like yeah we both are kind of just go with the flow kind of people um we didn't even have a we didn't even really plan on having a big wedding to begin with we just had our family come over so it wasn't

something like the dates didn't really mean a whole lot to us. We honestly were just, all right, this sounds good. We'll go with it. I don't know. We didn't really have that kind of conversation. So this is going to be something that is a going to be a wonderful attribute to you two as a couple. It's going to let you guys roll with the flow. And when ups and downs in life come, y'all are going to be able to morph and shift with ease and it's going to be a beautiful thing.

And this can be disastrous for you too because you can both end up in a place that neither of you wanted to be or intended to be and suddenly you blink your eyes and it's seven years from now and you don't know that dude and you don't even know where you're living and, and, and. And so getting some structure around your lives and becoming more intentional, not in grabbing things more

tightly, but being more intentional about your love and relationship and where you want to go and who you want to be when you get there or who you want to be on the way is, is something I'm, I can't, I can't recommend that enough for you too. Okay. And don't let that take the spirit and flexibility of your relationship. It sounds beautiful and awesome. Man, if more couples were like, man, we just love each other. We're just going to get married. But then you can also blink your eyes and you're married and then you are spending the first romantic few months of your marriage in your husband's old high school bedroom, right? Yeah.

And it can get super weird walking down the hallway and running into your father-in-law. Yeah. Right, right. So yeah, I would strongly recommend hook up with a – man, I am not using the right words today. Don't hook up with anybody other than him. Find yourself a pre-marriage counselor. Let them know, hey, we got married. We've been

together for three years and we just want to learn some skills. Tell your husband that you want to do that. See if he wants to be a part of that. And then go have a visioning time with him. Go have a, when are we moving out? I want to move out right today. And that probably is not going to happen, but maybe three months, maybe five months. Sounds like you guys have the money. And a part of that's going to be, let's go ahead and write this check. A part of that's going to be, where do we want to live? We can live anywhere. Or what do we want to be doing professionally and start those values-based conversations? There's that old cheesy leadership line that's true, which is if you don't have any plans or goals, if you don't have any direction, you're surely going to end up there. And you're

just at the mercy of where that's going to be. And I've just worked with so many people over the years and they are frustrated and exhausted and beat down because they end up in a forest that they never intended to go to. So good for you, Erica. Y'all are going to have fun and it's going to be exciting. And my high fives are with you. I would like to hear how that conversation goes, how the visioning conversation goes. Call me back if you get a shot. All right, let's go to Sarah in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Sarah, good morning.

How are we doing? Good. How are you? Good. I lost you there earlier. I hope you're doing well. So tell me how I can help this morning. So my son is five years old.

I got married when he was one and a half. And then when he was three, my husband adopted him. So my question is, how and when do we tell our son? Wow. That's a great question. Thank you for your trust here. So who is his birth father? Just a random man. Okay. Does that random man know about his son? Yes. Okay.

And so that man has chosen to not be in his life in any way, shape, form, or fashion? Yes. Okay. And so on his birth certificate, when your now husband adopted him, is his name reflected on your son's birth certificate? Yes. Okay. So I called again. I've got a team of counselors across the country that I will check in with sometimes when I know there's going to be a challenging question or one that I don't have some direct experience with or that I think I've got some opinions on, but I just want to make sure I'm getting the right wisdom. And again,

I checked with my good friend, Lynn Jennings. What she does for a living is have hard conversations with kids. And she talks about parental right terminations and she talks about abuse situations and she walks kids through court processes. And so she's a savant when it comes to these things. And I actually sat down with her and said, hey, walk me through how we would imagine the situation here. And so there's several ways you can do this, none of which are going to be awesome and none of which are going to be the end of all things. But what you don't ever want to do when your son is 16, 17, or 18 is have him turn around and think, my mom lied to me, right? And so you're a saint for even thinking about this. Here are some recommendations.

Here are some ideas. One is wait until the child is old enough to fully process the emotions that are going to be there. If a dad is present, if a dad might show back up in a situation, which you don't want to do for a five-year-old or a six-year-old, and there's actually some children's books that help these conversations along, you don't want them to get surprised. In this situation where it sounds like birth dad is 100% out of the picture, completely out of the loop, and your child, your son has an awesome guy who's present in his life, who has adopted him, who is fully invested as his daddy. That's not going to be the case. And so the recommendation is 10 to 12, maybe a little bit older when you would sit down and have that conversation.

But what I would recommend is that you start planting seeds now. And what planting seeds looks like is your new husband, the father of this little boy, the daddy of this little boy starts today, and he may already do this. He starts telling him today, every day, I'm so grateful that I chose you, that I chose to be your daddy. I'm so grateful I chose to be your dad. And he's going to do that every can you believe that you are so perfect and so wonderful and so loved that your daddy chose you? God chose mommy and God chose daddy and daddy chose you. And what we're going to do is we're going to build up a bank, one year, two years, three years, five years, six years worth of insight on that little

boy understanding that his daddy chose him. So that one day when the conversation happens, when that conversation begins, anybody can be a father. Anybody can father a child. But very few men step up and become a daddy, and this guy chose to. Then when your son understands that disconnection, when he understands asking questions and those things that are natural and right, and of course they're going to happen, but he will be tethered in deeply with his dad. And then you're going to have these life experiences, these developmental things, the spiritual basis. All of these are different. And I would also recommend when you decide to have this conversation, if it's something you're going to plan and not something that pops back up, there are people like my friend Lynn. There are people all over the country who are especially skilled at teaching little kids where they come from and why they come from where they come from. And it depends on what life has been like for them, what their spiritual values, are

they people of faith, are they not? Developmentally, are they – there's very mature 10-year-olds, there's very immature 10-year-olds. And they are excellent at breaking some of these conversations in there and letting kids slowly and gently absorb and hear these things and at the same time know that they're safe and tethered in. And so tell me about this guy that you married. Is he awesome?

Yes. Does he love that little boy? Yes. That's awesome. Good for you. And good for freaking him. Good for him for choosing your little boy and choosing to become an extraordinary dad.

Tell me about your little boy. He likes tractors. He likes music. He's just active, rambunctious. Good for him. Is he a laughing, smiling, joyful little boy? Yes, he is. That's so awesome.

So your little boy is a smiling, fun, excited little boy. He's got a daddy who loves him. He's got a mommy who loves him. Sarah, I just want to honor your heart. When do I tell him? How do I tell him? Having hard, honest conversations with children is challenging. Again, in this situation, every day he needs to know.

Not only told, but he needs to feel. He needs to see your eye contact. He needs to feel your touch. Lots of touch on his face. Lots of touch on his feet. Lots of hugs. But I want his dad, this man who chose him, I want every day of his life, this guy to look your son in the eye and say,

I'm so glad I chose to be your daddy. I get to be your dad. And again, 10, 11, 12, maybe a little bit older, depending on, again, developmental life things. You're going to sit down with an expert who's gifted at talking to kids like my good friend, Dr. Lynn Jennings. And you're all going to have that conversation together. And then it's going to be totally natural for your son to want to meet his birth dad someday, your son to want to reach out. Your son's going to have questions about why did my daddy not want me? I mean, why did my original father, what was it about me that made him not want to be around?

And when he has those questions, which are natural and they are good and they are understandable, he will be completely anchored and tethered in to the fact that he's loved by two parents who care for him and two parents that choose to love him every day. Thank you for your heart, Sarah. You're awesome. All right, let's go to Kate in San Diego, California. Kate, how are we doing? Just dandy. How are you?

Just dandy too. Just dandy. I love that. All right. So how can I help? What's going on? I'm calling to ask for help navigating relationships with my married siblings. All right. So bring it on. I'm 24 and I'm the youngest of 10. Most of them are married and their priorities, as they should be, are their spouses and children. But I just get in this pretty regular emotional battle between feeling kind of lost in the shuffle, worthless, insignificant, just like always back of the line. And then just, you know, kind of suck it up, kid. Like, this is what happens. Everyone's supposed to grow up and have their own families. And you just have to, you know, I guess just be prepared for whatever comes your way.

How old are you? 24. Oh, 24. You told me that. That's right. So you're 24. You've got 10 brothers and sisters. How old is the oldest one?

She would be 47, almost 48, 47, 48. So she's, was she a de facto parent to you? Yeah. Yeah. She was 23 when I was born and loved kids. And yeah, it was kind of my second mom. Okay. And did you have a third mom and a fourth mom too? And a fifth mom probably? You know, not really. Um, mostly, okay mostly you know I I didn't even exist when the first four of them graduated high school so um wow okay yeah I you know I've had fairly good relationships with a lot of them but for most of them I don't really I don't really know them other than husbands and wives and mothers and fathers I don't really know them as well as just my brothers and sisters so there's much uncles and as well as just my brothers and sisters.

So they're as much uncles and aunts as they are brothers and sisters really, huh? In some ways, yeah. So paint me a picture of what you wish was going on. What do you wish was happening? I guess I just, I want to be friends. Like when I was growing up, I just had this, I always wanted to be big enough when I, you know, by the time I was in seventh grade, I was the only one left in the house. And I just,

I would watch home videos and I just wanted so badly to have been big enough to just, I guess, experience life with them instead of coming up on the tail end and just getting all the advice from the mistakes and successes that they'd had. And, and that's not really a fair picture. It's not like they never did anything with me. But at this point, I just kind of feel like I'm lighting into their lives whenever they have a second

because they're busy, right? They've got careers and families, and I'm craving them just making time for me, but it's not necessarily a fair ask. But then I just go into this tailspin of, of every little time that they say no, it's just like adding to this list of rejection in my mind of, you know, no, you're not worth me taking away from my family. And I don't want them to take away from their family. Um, and I guess that's where my, my struggle comes. I just don't want them to take away from their family. And I guess that's where my struggle comes.

I just don't know how to, I guess, reconcile those two emotions of I'm proud of you for being good spouses and parents and would never want you to be anything less. But I also just kind of want to feel important enough. Yeah. Where else do you get rejected? Where else have you been rejected? Put your family aside. Where else do you get rejected where else have you been rejected put your family aside where else do you experience rejection you know i'm not really sure i you experience rejection in school do you get have rejection in your own relationships or at work not not really um i mean it takes me like years to make friends why is that at all

how come i i i really struggle with spending time on relationships that i don't see being um real i guess, or deep enough. So I really just have a hard time just going out to hang out with somebody if I don't really feel like they're going to be a really true friend to me in the future. So you called me. Can we go real, can we swan dive into the deep waters for a minute? Sure. Why or where does your judgment or your snap judgment of you meet somebody, you talk to them for a few minutes, and you immediately deem you're not going to be someone that's going to be worth my long-term time and you bail.

Where does that come from? I have no idea. It's either a sense of superiority or it's a sense of fear of getting hurt at some point. Which one do you think it is? It might be both. Yeah, I mean, I guess definitely both. I feel like, I don't know if I would necessarily say superiority, but I do get the, you know, I have values and things that i want to uphold and i know that i regularly feel like if

you're gonna be trying to get me to not uphold those values or if i feel like you're not going to be respectful of them then i struggle with that a lot um well as you should right those are your values but this is a little bit deeper. When you meet somebody and decide, you know what? You're probably not going to be someone who I'm going to have long-term experiences with that I'm not going to – we're probably not going to connect a couple of years from now. So let's just cut it off now. That's a really great way to keep you from getting hurt relationally. And it's a great way to keep you completely and totally alone.

And so one of the greatest ways of never getting hurt, there is one surefire way. There's one surefire way of never getting hurt, and that's never having really deep relationships with people. Never choosing to go into deep relationships with people. Because the one guarantee, the price of admission for being a good friend, the price of admission for falling in love, the price of admission for being a connected family member is hurt.

Eventually something's going to hurt. And there's something about you, and I'm trying to get it, and I want you to walk me through this. There's something about you that and I'm trying to get it, and I want you to walk me through this. There's something about you that is fearful of getting hurt, and it's easier to be on the sidelines with the built-in relationships that are innate, family, and they need to be. I'm feeling this separation, this gap, but also at the same time, there's other relationships that you could be experiencing that you have would enrich you, that would challenge you, and you just deem them on the front end, which protects you, but also makes sure you're completely alone. Yeah. What are you worried about hurting you? Kate in San Diego.

I guess I've always, when I do have friends, I really only have like, you know, one or two extremely good ones and everybody else is just kind of there. And both times, they just kind of disappear. I, you know, the first one was my best friend when I was a kid and we um, we were best friends for years. And then she went to a different school and then I moved away the next year and she literally just stopped talking to me. Um, and then the next one, when I was in high school and then I went to college and after about a year, her stuff just started happening in her life, and she did the same thing almost and recognized it in a politic later, but I guess they... Are you a great friend?

I think so. I hope so. From my perspective, I would say yes, but... That you're awesome? I'm not digging. I'm just wondering. Are you a great friend? Yeah.

I think I am, yeah. And so what I want to tell you is you're worth being 24 years old and having had more than just two good friends in your lifetime. You are worth having. I've got somebody at my house this week who I've known for 25 years. He's just crashing with us. We think differently. We live differently. We act differently.

We still relentlessly make fun of each other. And we still relentlessly hold each other accountable for a core set of values. And he's one of a number of great, wonderful friendships that I've had that fades and ebbs and flows and is rich and is deep. But you're worth more than two friendships. And when it circles back to your family, you're worth more than just hoping that they will reach out and include you. You're worth including yourself. You're worth more than just hoping that they will reach out and include you. You're worth including yourself. You're worth going to their kids' games and their kids' events and doing the things relationally. Instead of sitting on the outside and waiting for them to include you, you're a person of value enough that it's worth being around other people. Your love is worth other people experiencing.

And that means risk. Relationships don't start with comfort. They start with risk. They start with, hey, will you be my friend? Or, hey, let's go hang out. Or, man, you're weird. Or I don't like the way you say that. Or I don't like your language.

Or fill in the blank. But they all start with risk. Right. I think that's where I struggle though because I do take those risks. And I am included in their family lives, but I'm asking my brother to come hang out with me for literally the first time just us. And the two years that I've lived near him and the 10 years that I've been anywhere near old enough to go hang out. And he can't take the time away from his family. Sure.

I'm like, dude, three hours. And what does he say when you call? This is, um, what was the two long, two hour long conversation of really frustrating,

but it literally was, he's in the military. They've got several kids and he's getting ready to deploy. Yeah. Um, and so to him, it was, it literally was, he's in the military, they've got several kids, and he's getting ready to deploy. And so to him, it was, it literally, it was a how dare you put that on me. Can I tell you that I think that's fair? Can I tell you I think that's fair? Like everything in his life is about to be upside down. For sure.

What I would say is friendship works two ways. Brother and sisterhood works two ways. And you lift each other up when the other person's down. And so instead of, hey, you owe me some time together, it is you're about to deploy. You're about to be separated from your kids for a year. You're going to be in a situation that you may or may not be safe. You're going to be away from your wife. I'm going to come insert myself and start making meals and mow your lawn and do groceries and things like that. I've offered. Yeah. Well, sometimes

babysit so that they can go spend time together. I offer to babysit so that she can go have time alone because she's about to be with them all day every day just by herself and they don't take me up on it and i i don't i i truly i don't know what else of myself i can give without just feeling again like i'm just lost like i'm just constantly here to make everything easier for you but when i'm almost depressed you can't be there I can't call you I can't I truly understand that they they're about to go through a really hard time again

and again I don't want to take him away from that at all are you going to miss your brother so much yeah are you scared for him to go a little bit yeah Are you going to miss your brother? So much. Yeah. Are you scared for him to go? A little bit, yeah.

Are you scared for their marriage and relationship? Not really. I mean, not scared for it. Not that it's going to break up, but that it's just going to be hard, right? You know your brother's going to be in pain, right? He's going to hurt. Yeah, absolutely. And so rest in that. That means you're awesome.

And that doesn't mean that you fail. It doesn't mean you're a loser. That means that, man, there's a lot going on. And you did the best. You can sleep with a sound heart and mind. You reached out and you did what you could. And that's that. And does that make you lonely? Yeah. Does that make it hard? Yeah.

Do you need to get other people in other deep relationships in your life? Yeah. But that doesn't mean you failed something. That doesn't mean you're a loser. That doesn't mean that you're not worth anything. That means he didn't want your casserole. And quite honestly, he might want your casserole. Maybe he doesn't want to impose on you. And maybe his way of showing how much he loves his little sister is to not let her get hurt or to not let her be mushed up into all this. And it may just be showing up or it may just be honoring them and say, cool, sending them a letter, sending little gift bags to those kids and doubling down on hard relationships that are going to be in your circle and around you and in your local environment.

The sucky part of relational risk is that sometimes it doesn't look like you want it to look and it's hard. And I wish I it doesn't look like you want it to look, and it's hard. And I wish I had a pat answer for you. I really do, Kate. I wish I could just say, oh, just do these three things. That's not how relationships work. But I do think stepping back and saying, did you try to reach out to your brother? You did, man. You tried to love him. Good for you. But also stepping back and saying I've had two relationships, two friendships over the course of my 24 years. You sound like a really kind person. You sound like a gifted person, but you also sound like a person who guards himself very carefully.

You sound like a person who is very giving of themselves but is really hard when people don't want that particular gift, and that's OK. But I want you to work really hard. You may have to get with a counselor. You may have to get with a pastor that you trust. Get with some folks and, oh man, I don't want to say this in a way that can be heard. You've got to get yourself in a place where you can take relational risks and you can enter into spaces not for the ROI of, I want this to be a long-term thing or not a long-term thing. I just want to be with you because you're a person. I just want to go somewhere and laugh and be silly and goofy. My brother is super busy with all his kids.

I'd love to spend time with them. They don't have time right now That hurts it does it sucks. Let's go get tacos I'm gonna meet some people at my local whatever and that's hard right now I know i'm gonna be intentional about being around people who think differently than I do and maybe believe differently than I do I'm gonna be intentional about diversifying my friend groups In hopes of just meeting different people because I have something of value to give. And it doesn't feel that way because I reached out, I doubled down on my brother and he said no.

But man, taking a vet who's about to be deployed with little kids and absorbing that as something that's about you is not fair. It's not fair to you. It's not fair to him. That's not a signal of your relationship. That's a signal that somebody is in the middle of a hurricane right now and they don't need or desire your support right now. And that's okay. Go to the next brother or sister. Go to all the brothers and sisters. And also sometimes we just flat get rejected. And I wish there was a nicer way to be around that. Sometimes people just say, I don't like you. I don't want to be around you. That particularly hurts when it's your brother or sister.

I don't think that's what's happening here. But sometimes we just flat get rejected. Sometimes our friends just disappear. Sometimes we have to call and say, I'm sorry. But sometimes we have to look in the mirror and say, am I somebody who's judging other people? We have to look in the mirror and say, am I hard to's judging other people? We have to look in the mirror and say, am I hard to be around? Am I tough?

I don't think I am. Am I? And maybe ask some of your other brothers and sisters, am I hard to be around? Am I annoying? Are there things about me that aren't great? The thing about my buddy who's staying with me today over the years of our 20, 25 year friendship,

man, he's told me, hey dude, you're not cool when you do this. This was not funny. You thought this was all silly and goofy. It wasn't good. He holds me accountable and it's hard to hear, but also helps me become better, better person, better man, better dad, better husband, better friend. So it sounds like you're just grieving and I hope you'll grieve. I hope you'll just say this sucks, but I also hope you're not going to internalize this and that you're just grieving. And I hope you'll grieve. I hope you'll just say this sucks. But I also hope you're not going to internalize this and that you will risk relationship. You'll risk love.

You'll risk going out and finding somebody else again because you've got stuff to give. And your love is worthy of being received. So thank you so much for that hard call, Kate. I just can hear the heartbreak in your voice. And I hope you will continue to risk on relationships, not brothers and sister relationships, but risk on hard relationships where folks don't owe you anything and they just want to be with you because you're you. So blessings to you, Kate. Holler back in 30 days. I want you to know in a month or two, I want to know how reaching out is going. I want to know how you rallying around with a brother or sister or two that you trust and saying, what is it? Is it something?

Is it me? Am I frustrating? And I want to know how you're growing, learning to risk. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Becca in Seattle. Becca, what is happening? How are we doing? Good.

How are you? Good, good, good. How can I help this morning? All right. So my husband is in the Navy and he's going on deployment soon uh we've got a year and a half old daughter and um i'm one of those people i'm scared of the dark i'm scared of everything and so we were gonna we have security systems outside of our house and then i was thinking about getting a security camera for inside of our house so if i'm upstairs and something happens during the night i can just look at the camera downstairs. Right. Didn't you watch that movie? What was, uh, James, what was

that movie? Paranormal act. Yeah. Paranormal activity. Didn't you watch that? No cameras in the house. You know, it's going to be all those things. All right. So you, you, you got cameras outside everywhere. You're terrified. Um, and now you just want to be total terrified all the time, 24-7, and be able to see everything. All right, so what's your question? So my question is, my husband said that he wanted access to the camera inside the house while he's on deployment, right? Okay. Just to be able to check in on us to make sure we're okay. And he was saying for, like, if he has a bad day and he's not

able to talk to us, he just wants to look at the camera and see that we're okay. And then kind of go about his day. Right. And that's cool, but I don't want him to check in on us and me have a bad day and like see me frustrated and see me upset or see me crying or see me something like that. And then just make his day worse. And Because I don't want to feel like I failed him. I want him to know that we're doing okay, like I can have my moments of being sad or whatever, but I just don't want him to check in on this and see me upset or see me not doing a good job while he's on deployment. Becca, you're awesome.

Can I just tell you that? You're rad, dude, for real. So when you, when you told him that, what did he say? I have a feeling I know what he said, because he's awesome too, but what did he say? He said that he understood and that I'm not going to fail him, that I'm allowed to have bad days, but that just being, even if we're upset, like, even if he sees us happy and sees us playing, then that'll give him what he needs to get through the day. Or even if he just sees me sitting on the couch by the fireplace, reading a book, like that's what he would need to get through the day. And that's cool. Like, I'm happy that I hope we have good days, right? Like that's what I'm hoping for, but I'm just scared if he looks at it twice

and both times I'm having a hard time. I just scared if he looks at it twice and both times I'm having a hard time. I just, I don't want it to be more trouble than it's worth. I just don't want to make it worse. So here's what you got, Becca. That's pretty cool. You have a husband that doesn't like, doesn't love, that isn't in love with a fantasy or a mirage, he's in love with an entire person. He's in love with the good stuff, the bad stuff, the weird hair you have on your back, the weird whatever,

the you look different than when you start dating, the time you get the zit. He's in love with all of you. And when he's overseas, yes, it would be cool to just have glamour shots done up all day, 24-7. So when he happens to beam in

from his bunk and his little tablet and he can look in as just a seeing eye on the people that he loves the most in the whole wide world the reason he's doing all this this extraordinary service yeah it'd be cool to be all glammed up and but man he's a guy that also wants to see his wife have tears that's gonna tell him that you miss him that's gonna tell him that you matter to him

and he loves all of you and so here's's the thing. I think house cameras are crazy. I don't have any house cameras. I may get them someday. I like to live in the illusion that I don't want to know. If my house is being stormed by stormtroopers, I just prefer to just go quietly in the night and so be it. I super prefer, you got to watch Paranormal Activity, dude. That movie's a trip. So I super prefer not looking over at my whatever camera and seeing some demon staring at me. That would suck. But if you and him- No, I'm a fighter. You're what? I'm a fighter.

I am too. I'm a pistol ready. I'm a fighter. Oh, trust me, dude. We're armed to the gills. I just don't want to see you coming, man. So we're, yeah, we're good. But yeah, it's not an open invitation. I just, I'm also weird. I don't want people hacking into my house cameras and all that kind of stuff. But here's the deal.

If you and your husband are camera people and he has said, I love you and I love all of you and I want to check in. And he gives you peace, then be fully human and fully present. And I can imagine a scenario where that kind of technology allows you and your kids to leave notes and pictures. It also allows him to see you crying

and being fully a person. And it allows him to see you laughing. You can set up dates where you dance in the living room. That sounded super weird. Not that kind of dance, but like a slow dance, right? And you can have imaginary dance dates. Whatever, dude. I'm getting creepy now.

But whatever that's going to be, I can see them in the booth. It's just getting down a dark road here. I wasn't trying to be that kind of dancing. He's a military guy. I don't want him to bomb my house or something. But – and here's the deal. I don't have any cameras. I'm not going to see him coming if he gets mad at me.

But, dude, I think it's a beautiful thing. And I think the pressure you feel to be perfect, the pressure you feel to perpetuate a fantasy for him is exhausting for you. It's tiring. And I think you would give him some peace of mind if you just wept openly and you told him I'm going to really miss the hell out of you. And I'm proud of you for serving our country and I'm proud of you for the dad and husband that you are. I'm really, really going to miss you. And then you all hugged regularly. I think that he's going to fall deeper in love with you the more he gets to miss you. And then y'all hug regularly. I think that he's going to fall

deeper in love with you. The more he gets to know you. And if he gets to see you crying, gets to see you smashing a glass because you're angry or just see the kitchen a wreck or whatever you're worried about, he's going to remember the woman that he loves, Becca in Seattle, Washington. He's going to remember you. Yeah. And so, man, if y'all are all good with demons in the house and seeing them, I say camera up, family. That's going to be rad. And to the veterans who are deploying, this is the second deployment call we've taken today. Man, hug tightly before you go.

Write letters. Make sure that you stay connected and safe travels. And I'm so grateful for your service. I'm grateful for each one of you who sacrificed yourself and your families and comfort to make sure that we all have our families together too. So Becca, thank you so much for that call. As we wrap up today's show, I gonna leave you with it's not the best song ever i'm just gonna put it out there it's not the greatest song ever it's not but in the grunge era a few songs emerged that we can all just say it was pretty much the greatest song ever

right so in 1992 we had sound garden we had nirvana we had all these guys that were just destroying the 80s metal landscape that they had built so concretely on firm foundations of musical extraordinaryness that's not a word I just made that up we had, let's back that up the grunge folks came in and destroyed my 80s metal bands

that's what freaking happened and so the Soundgardens and the Pearljams and the Nirvanas, the Alice in Chains, yes, they're incredible songwriters. Yes, they changed music forever. Yes, they took the kids who were partying and just trying to have a good time. And we reminded us all how dreary and awful everything is. Those were good. Those were good. But one band that didn't get the credit they deserved showed up in 1992. Their album did go triple platinum because it was incredible. It's called Grave Dancers Union.

In 1992, Soul Asylum shows up and drops this gentle, quiet song that ended up changing people's lives, changing people's hearts. It's called Runaway Train, and it went like this. Call you up in the middle of the night like a firefly without a light. You were there like a blowtorch burning. I was a key that could use a little turning.

So tired that I couldn't even sleep. So many secrets I couldn't keep. Promised myself I wouldn't weep. One more promise I couldn't keep. Can you help me remember how to smile? Make it somehow all seem worthwhile. How on earth did I get so jaded? Life's mystery seems so faded. I can go where no one else can go and I know what no one else knows and here I am just drowning in the rain with a ticket for a runaway train. Runaway train never going back, wrong way on a one-way track, seems like I should

be getting somewhere. Somehow I'm neither here nor there. If you are listening to this and you feel like you are on the other end of a wrong way, the other end of a one-way track, call somebody. Call somebody. This is the Dr. John Deloney show.