The Dr. John Delony Show - Making Choices on Education & Setting Boundaries w/ Family

Episode Date: April 30, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   Should we homeschool our six-year-old or send her to public school? My 24-year-old son lives with us and he watches porn and doesn’t take care of himself. How do we handle the situation? Email: Being an adult with ADHD Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It - Gabor Maté MD How do I create boundaries with parents when my siblings are still in the house and I am concerned about them? Lyrics of the Day: "Just Breathe" - Pearl Jam   As heard on this episode: BetterHelp     tags: marriage, relationships, goals/life planning, boundaries, family, disagreement/conflict   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a young mom who's wrestling between homeschool and public school for her six-year-old. We talk to a mom whose 24-year-old son still lives at home, and he probably should not anymore. We talk to a woman who is wrestling with boundaries and her parents and her siblings who still live at home. It's a heartbreaker. Stay tuned. Hey, what up, what up, good folks? I'm John, and this is the Dr. John Golony Show. The show that I selfishly named after myself. I didn't really do that, but every time it just makes me laugh. Hey, listen, thanks for hanging out.

On this show, we're going to talk about your mental health, your life, your friends, your family. And for some reason, whenever the show starts, I growl. I don't even know why that happens. We're going to talk about your life. We're not. We're going to talk about your life and your friends and your community. I usually smoke about 30 smokes before this show actually launches. And so I like to make it sound like I'm tough and a little bit yelly.

And I don't even know why that happens. It's so dumb. Give us a call if you want to be on the show. 1-844-693-3291. Somebody, James, just was like their buddy's been hassling them to listen to the show. In the first eight seconds, they already were like were like nope we're out already gone but for those of you who's hung in there all uh 37 of you and if you if you can do math we've we've tripled our audience in the last few weeks we're up 37 1-844-693-3291 and i want everybody to know this if you're watching this on on the internets

or if you're listening to it um I'm wearing a blue plaid shirt. I came into the studio. I've got like this group of clothes back there. This group of clothes because they're people. I have like a set of clothes back there for different events. I mean, when you're on like, you know, news stations, you got to dress like this type of idiot. And when you're on like somebody else's show, you got to dress like this type of moron. I mean, you're on IG Live,, you got to dress like this type of idiot. And when you're on, like, somebody else's show, you got to dress like this type of moron. I mean, you're on IG Live, so you got to dress like this.

And then on this show, I can just wear the clothes I normally wear. But heaven forbid, good folks, I grabbed a polo shirt. Not even with a little horse on it, like a generic $11 polo. Eleven, I just lied to you all, everybody. It was $6. And it was black, and James walked in, and he's like, oh, gosh, are you okay? And I was like, I think so. And he goes, why are you wearing that?

You're embarrassing yourself and your family by wearing that. Are you going golfing after this? What's happening? Right then, Kelly walked in. She's like, oh, are you sick? Are you okay? And to which I was like, guys, can I just wear a shirt with no sleeves? And Kelly's like, nope.

Actually, you can't. You look ridiculous. So I went and changed. And now you perfectly blend in with the background screen. Hey, that is y'all's fault. Zach is going to have to put on some lasers or whatever, like psychedelic backgrounds or something. Funruiner.com.net.org. You forgot the www.

www.funruiner.com.net.org. Jeez. This is why I got into mental health because people that I associate with hurt mine. Is that a thing? Can you hurt mine? Look at you guys. No one else is going to make fun of y'all's polos. None of y'all are wearing polos. Jerks. hurt mine is that a thing can you can you hurt mine look at you guys no one's else gonna make fun of y'all's polos none of y'all wearing polos jerks i hope to everyone out there was wearing a

polo you're loved you're not that's the problem don't wear polos just don't do you're worth getting well you're you're worth getting well you're worth getting well you polo wearers you folks who wear collared shirts with no sleeves I mean with part sleeves that's ridiculous so if you are new to the show and you haven't already rolled off yet

like dude this is ridiculous I'm going to Rogue Interpol this is terrible if you're still with us we're glad you're here start singing your favorite song and we're glad you're here. Start singing your favorite song and we're going to go straight to the phones here. Let's go to Ashley

in Oklahoma City. Ashley, what in the world are you doing? How's it going? I'm better now listening to your whole polo story. I feel a little bit better about myself.

Are you wearing a polo right now? No, I'm not. Because you're better than that, right? Hey, literally, Ashley, I was about to say what are you wearing and I thought this isn't that kind of show it was the whole thing was going sideways so I'm just going to trust you that you're not wearing a polo and then we're just going to roll from there what's up Ashley from Oklahoma how can I help yeah I would like help um deciding on if I should send my six-year-old to public school or just homeschool her. Okay, tell me about it.

What's going on? What are you thinking? Whenever I was pregnant, all of that, I was dead set on homeschooling. And then I realized that I'm not very social myself. So I'm kind of telling. Then you met your kid and you were like, nope. Yes. So I can do all of the academic stuff, all of that,

but I'm not very good at letting her play with other kids or meeting moms to play with other kids. How come? I guess I just don't do it myself. Oh, okay. You don't like other people? I mean, I do, but I have a younger daughter and I don't like having to wrestle both of them. Um, but yeah, I, now I'm thinking about public school, and I feel like it would be a better option. I'm just still nervous about that. What are you nervous about?

She's very—I don't want her to—her innocence to go away and her to be exposed to things that she wouldn't be if she were at home. Okay. And just the pressure that school will bring i want her to stay young as as long as possible i guess gotcha so what do you think is going to happen in a public school like what type of exposure are you worried about or what type of pressure are you worried about because you're talking about like kindergarten at this point right yes so in between learning how to count and read what type of what type of pressure are you thinking of uh well my mind automatically goes to bad things but tell me what the bad things are learn about sex and learn about body parts and learn swear words

and learn like watch somebody get punched like What are the things that you're worried about? No, more of my niece. She was exposed to pornography at seven from school. That and her just worrying about what other people think, not having that confidence in herself or starting to be insecure. Okay. All of that, which I don't know if it happens at kindergarten or not, but...

It happens everywhere. Here's my thought on it, okay? We went through this same scenario here in my house. I'm a big, big, big believer in public schools. Love them, love them, love them. The last five to ten years, I hate with all of my guts this paranoid obsession with technology in schools. If we don't get them this Chromebook, this device, this thing, this iPad, then they're going to be so far behind and they're going to fall apart and the world's going to be – and schools across the country are spending billions of dollars on gadgets for kids. It's not learning, right?

And I know there's some tech ed folks or ed tech folks who want to go to fight me on it. That's fine. I'd love to meet up with you on it. That's a different phone call. But I'm a big believer in public schools. The teachers, many of the teachers are extraordinary to be underselling them. They're magic, what they do. And they get up every day thinking about our kids. There are crappy teachers out there, no question about that.

Here's my thought on it. Your kid over time is going to be exposed to, is going to hear bad words, is going to learn wild things about sex that are so, like, are anatomically impossible, but that's how they're going to figure it out, right? They're going to learn weird things about how people do Christmas differently, and why does your mom look like that, and why does your dad have that? They're going to learn those things. Where I landed, personally, in our home home is I want them to have those experiences and those questions in my house. I want to cultivate a spirit or an ethos of communication in our house.

I want to cultivate, hey, tell me about something you saw that you'd never seen before. I asked my son the other day, I was like, hey, what new words have you learned this year? And he told me the words he learned this year. And I was like, what do those even mean? I never had that conversation with my dad, but I wanted to teach him a few things. Number one, I'm not scared of any question you're going to bring me. None. Zero. Number two, those words coming out of your mouth, lightning doesn't strike you, you don't die.

Number three, they actually have meanings. Number four, those words coming out of your mouth, lightning doesn't strike you, you don't die. Number three, they actually have meanings. Number four, what's the context? Why would we say those? Why wouldn't we say that? So I want him to be a consumer of the world around him, and I want to be a safe resource for him. And so sometimes people take that logic to an extreme, and they say, well, I'm going to help my kids to get wasted with all their friends at my house because I want them to, you know what I mean? And there's a point when that gets stupid, right? The ROI on that gets dumb. But that's why I am, that's why I have no problem with the public school system that I happen to be a part of. I do know there's some

really rough public schools out there that aren't any good. So you as a parent are going to have to be discerning about that. I'll tell you on our end, we went and my wife especially went and met with the teacher, met with the counselor, met with everybody when we moved. What's this experience going to be like? And it was remarkable. And we've also been really loud about here's what we will accept with technology and what we won't accept with technology. And so some of that's just being an involved and engaged parent, not an idiotic parent, but an engaged parent. How much of this, and let me ask you this because I've experienced this in my own house, how much of this do you have guilt that you wanted to be a homeschooler and it's not working

out for you and your child? I think that's most of it. I feel like i should be able to do that um because i'm her mom ah there you go i experienced that my wife experienced that many of our friends experienced that especially when kovid kicked off that we were gonna stay at home we're gonna homeschool this is gonna be great and then two months in it's like i just had this image of showing up to my front porch and my wife's on the front porch just smoking a cigarette holding a shovel and i would just know like what one of my kids is in the yard right um it just wasn't going to end well and then there's all of that compounding guilt like oh i can't even be around my own kid i can't right and all that stuff's unnecessary but it just piles up on you um why why is that seed sitting there in your soul why is that is that seed sitting there in your soul? Why is that seed taking root in your heart there?

I'm not really sure. That's kind of how I feel about a lot of things. I just always put it on myself. Why do you do that to yourself? I don't know. So I want to... I just feel like I should be able to do all

the things and do them well. So do me a favor tonight, okay? Your husband a good guy? Yes. Okay. So I want y'all to do a an exercise together, okay? I want you all to do an exercise together, okay? I want you to sit with him and to write down all of the things that you, quote, unquote, should be able to do.

It's just a should list. You should be able to change all the diapers with a smile on your face and joy in your heart because this is your precious baby. You should be able to wash all the skid marks out of a six-year-old's underwear because I just love that baby, right? You should be able to never get annoyed with, Mommy, hey, Mom, hey, Mom, hey, Mom, right? I want you to write down all of those shoulds, and then I want you and your husband to go through those and demand evidence from them. Like, is this true? And my guess is a whole bunch of those shoulds have been put there by your parents, your in-laws, your interpretation of what Instagram nonsense, like this curated existence that's not real, but that we, especially moms, beat each other up with, right? You're going to find a lot of this is just garbage. Because my guess is, Ashley, you're a

great, great mom. And you love your kid a lot. And you ran into a situation where there's going to be a professional that's going to be better at a particular role, and that's awesome. Great. Send your kid to public school. Cultivate a conversation that happens every day. Let your teacher know of your kid to public school. Cultivate a conversation that happens every day. Let your teacher know of your kid. Hey, my seven-year-old niece or nephew got introduced to pornography. That cannot happen with my child.

And it's your responsibility as the teacher who gave them this tech to keep that from happening. And I'd rather you be a bulldog on behalf of your kid than beat yourself up for not being all things to all people. Does that make sense? Yeah. I want you to be a mom that delights in the things that she does well and is bold and brave enough to pass along the things that she doesn't do well. And I don't want your child to ever feel that mom tension, that angst, that anxiety, because a kid is going to backfill that as though it's her fault and she's going to try to solve it. Yes, I see that now sometimes.

Tell me about that. Well, she's the oldest of the two and she just wants, she, just like me, perfectionist, just wants to do everything. And she's always saying, I'm trying to do the right thing so I don't get in trouble. And again, she's five right now, so. So is that how you are in other aspects of your life? Yeah. Yeah?

Since I was a kid, I was the same way. Who were you protecting at your house? My little sister. Who were you trying to please? I was trying to be noticed by my parents, my mom and dad. My dad wasn't really around, so I always thought it had to be something for him to be around. Gotcha. You're going to be extra sparkling, extra shiny, Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

So here's what I want you to do. I want you to stop the performance with your husband and stop the performance with your little baby, with your six-year-old, with your new child. And I want you to begin practicing just being you. And I want you to practice loving and connecting with that kid come hell or high water. And that starts with, you've heard me say this over and over, it starts with those little bitty knucklehead things like, every day in the morning and every day in the evening, I'm going to hold my kid's face and I'm going to look him in the eyes and I'm going to say, I love you and I'm so, so, so glad that I get to be your mom and dad.

I get to be your mom. I got picked to be your mom. And they'll go, Mom, Mom. And when they bring you that paper and say, look, the teacher put a check mark on it. Isn't this so good? Your response is not, yeah, that's right, or why didn't you get a check plus? The response is, did you work really hard? Are you proud of the work that you put into that?

And they say, yeah, I'm proud. And say, I'm really proud that you're proud. Good for you. Because we want to praise their efficacy inside, not the achievement, right? And you sound like you're ready to rock and roll. Send your kid to public school. Be really clear with your husband about what y'all want at a public school, what you won't tolerate at a public school, and be direct with it. And then if you do it for a year and it's no good, then you can get some more skills when it comes

back to considering homeschooling again. We've got close friends who've homeschooled and they love it. They're incredible at it. And we've got friends who've tried it. We tried it. It didn't work. It didn't work for us. And our kids are absolutely thriving in the schools that they're at. So it's an individual thing for every family. Don't do it because you're scared of my kid's going to hear a thing or see a thing. I actually want that, especially when they're in my home. I don't want them the first time they hear something they've never heard before to be at a college when they live seven hours away from me. I don't want them the first time they hear something they've never heard before to be at a college when they live seven hours away from me. I don't want them the first time they see something that scares them to be eight hours away at a college or 17 hours away at a new

job. I don't want that. I want them to have those experiences when they're with me so we can create that conversation. I love your heart, Ashley. Good for you. You've got this. You've got this. Don't doubt yourself. Honor yourself and do the should exercise tonight with your husband. His eyes are going to bug out of his head when he sees the things all written out that you think you should be doing as a mom, as a wife, as just a neighbor. And hopefully you can have some peace when you mark those things off and be like, I shouldn't do that. Nobody should like cleaning skid marks. It's disgusting. It's awful. All right.

Let's go to Anne in Bakersfield. What's up, Anne? How are we doing? Great. Thank you, Dr. John, and thank you for taking my call. Thank you for calling. What's going on? I have a 24-year-old young man who lives with his dad, my husband,

who I believe is addicted to pornography. Your son is? Yes. And he lives in your house? Yes. Okay. Tell me about how that works. I have evidence of money coming out of his account, anywhere from $5 to $20 that kind of I traced back. I've told him to give me his phone, which he does a couple of evenings, but then a couple of evenings have passed and he doesn't give me my phone because we go to bed early because we get up very early. He follows girls on Instagram. He sits in a common area when I walk by and what are you doing, Ryan? He'll quickly turn the picture to something else. I do have a younger child, 21, living at home, so I'm really concerned

that he's picking up on it. He doesn't take care of himself. Anne, why is he living at home? He's 24. I know. Well, that's the problem, and that's why I'm calling you, because it's getting in the way of my husband and I relationship. Absolutely. I'm kind of like, if I warn him and I put it out there, let him go. And my husband is saying, he needs help. Let's keep him here and direct him and get him help.

What does he need help with? What does he need help with? We feel like there's depression there. Like he stays, he'll stay in his room. He doesn't eat unless it's served for him or he'll order in all the time. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Do you serve it to him? On the counter before I go to bed because I guess I'm a concerned mom and he will not eat.

No, no, no, you're not a concerned mom. You're not. You're not. I'm an enabler. Yeah, you are. You are getting what you need by taking care of your little boy. And he has no problems. He has no reason to change anything in his life at all.

He's got it so good. He has food put on the counter. He's got no rent. He's got women just piped into his phone that challenge him in no ways. He's got money just going from his account straight to do whatever he wants whenever he wants to. And what that leads to is deep, resounding depression. Because there's no goal, there's no achievement, there's no working towards something, there's no little steps, there's no goal. There's no achievement. There's no working towards something. There's no little steps.

There's no success. There's no internal esteem that can only be accomplished not from telling you someone you're great, but from doing things. You've got to go do. And this young man is just drowning because mom keeps putting water in the bathtub. He's got to have some problems. He's got a great life right now. Okay, so how can we help him then? Kick him out.

Say go. Or say, you will go see a counselor. You will have no phone in my house when there will be zero phones. None. And then when we go to bed, the internet goes off and I take the router in my bedroom. It's out. Because

if you're not serious about it, you're not serious about it. He's 24. People, you're... How old are you, Ann? 55. Mm-hmm. He's 24. People your... How old are you, Ann? 55. Yeah. I have two other children.

I have a total of four children, ranging from 21 to 27. What does your 27-year-old think about him just living at home? Probably a lot of the same things I'm telling you, too. Does he have, like, mental illness? Is he you, too. Does he have mental illness? Is he struggling, have real significant challenges? I would say along the lines of depression, self-esteem, for sure. And he doesn't seem to care. His room is filthy.

I will help him clean it up, and he'll go right back to his old ways. He leaves his In-N-Out burger bag all in the living room of Common Area after I've told him to pick it up. I know, I know, but do you hear what you're saying? As you say it out loud, you hear it. I know you do. I do. Because it doesn't matter. He can do whatever he wants in his room because his mom's going to help him come clean it. I'm embarrassed for myself if I have his other siblings come over to visit us or friends come over. So what is it about him? I don't want to tell you to kick a guy out with severe mental illness.

If he's schizophrenic, if he's bipolar, if he's got some major challenges. If anything, depression. And I've asked him to see a doctor. I can't make it for him. He's 24. Yeah. He denies having a problem. Well, cool. Go get him, buddy. You got two months left and you're going to have a job and you're out. I will change the locks.

And you're not doing this because you're mean. You're doing this because you love your son. Let me put it this way. You're giving him everything, Ann, because you love him. You really do and I believe that. Is it anything you're doing helping him? No. No. Is anything getting better? Definitely not.

Okay. So you've got to do something different. You can't keep doing the same thing and wanting the same outcome. Right? Correct. Yeah. And either it's cold turkey, you you got 60 days and you're going or it is if you're going to live here starting in 60 days you pay rent or i will evict you

and well he does pay me rent he pays me 425 dollars does he work? He does, four to five days a week. It's for his phone, his cell phone, sorry, and the groceries and his car insurance. So $425 barely, and then the food. Where does he work? Amazon. Amazon delivery. So he's out making deliveries?

Correct. So what's he do with the rest of his money? He just saves it? He's a saver. We are Dave Ramsey followers. So I will tell you, I've taught him in that respect and he's really excited about that.

Hey, you know why he gets excited? Because it's actual achievements, accomplishments, it's things he can see progressing in his life in a positive direction. His social life, he's not seeing that.

His ability to create his own wealth, he's not seeing that because he's got no home, he's got no equity, he's got no things he's not seeing that his ability to create his own wealth he's not seeing that because he's got no home he's got no equity he's got no things he's working towards career advancement he's got nothing there oh i agree and he's gonna tell you you're the worst mom ever he's gonna tell you you guys are ruining my life i can't believe you're kicking me out. Unbelievable after all you've done. You know that's coming, and that's going to be part of the separation. But until he has any sort of struggle or any sort of reason to do anything in his life differently, he's not going to.

I wouldn't. Right? What's your husband think about this? Is your husband ashamed, or does he like it? No, he says that we should help him by keeping him in our house and direct him in certain ways. How is the direction helping? What does your husband say? I'm hard.

He needs help. My husband struggles with depression, so he sort of knows how it feels. Yeah. To feel the self-esteem and lack of self-esteem. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Have y'all ever gone to a family counselor before? No, never.

Yeah, maybe you should try that. Because y'all got to develop some pretty hard boundaries real, real fast. Mm-hmm. And you got a 21-year year old soaking all this in. So what your 21 year old is, is learning is that mom and dad have no boundaries and they're going to, it's a, they're a gravy train for whatever I want to do. So I know you're worried about them. Learn your 21 year old learning about how pornography works, like, spoiler alert, he's known that probably since he was 10 or 11,

how that works. He's learning how to navigate the adult world right now. That's what he's learning. And it has zero consequences. Mom will yell, and she'll get mad, and all you have to do is change the screen, and she'll eventually clean your room and pick up the food bags. And if she doesn't do that, she's going to make food and put it on the counter for us before she goes to bed. And so what I want you to do, Ann, is you are going to have to learn to love differently.

Because the way you're loving your kids right now is not helping them, it's harming them. It's drowning them. And they have to learn how to swim. They've got to, got to, got to, got to, got to learn how to swim. My Uber recommendation would be to get a family therapist who would come visit you at your house or you demand the entire crew, everyone living in that house,

is going to see somebody together. And that you announce to your husband and to your kids, I'm making boundaries. You've got 60 days to get out. You've got 30 days to get out. If he's got a bunch of savings, he can get out tomorrow. He's got to go get an apartment. And his apartment is going to be the most disgusting, gross thing you've ever seen. And that will be his choice. And he may go down a rabbit hole of pornography and dysregulation. And hopefully he will see the light, take care of himself, begin working towards things. You can start exercising with him. You can do all kinds of things that are going to be productive, loving, behavioral changes in his life, but just letting him exist like a plant

that you're just going to water and feed and yell at, but I'm just going to keep watering and feeding. It's not doing him any favors. He's going to have to get some problems. He's going to have to learn some new muscles, and he's going to have to grow up. And I know you love him, and these are the hard choices you've got to make. He's 24 years old.

He's a grown man. If he'd been in World War II he'd already would have gone to war and been back and married and probably have three kids he'd already be back he'd already have seen the world it's time for him to grow up and it's time for you to cut those codependent strings

on both of your kids and let them grow up and be adults thank you so much for that call so I got this email here and then I've got some exciting news against this email. This email comes from Steven says, I've been reading the book Scattered. If you don't know, the book Scattered by Gabor Mate is a book that I recommend anybody struggling with ADHD, anyone married to somebody with ADHD, anyone who's got adult ADHD, who's got kids, read this book.

It's a masterpiece. It's the best. A little wee bit heady. It's a masterpiece. Steven says, I've been reading the book Scattered by Gabor Mate. M-A-T-E. We'll link to it in the show notes. It's been an emotional roller coaster of hell while simultaneously bringing to light the whys and hows of an adult.

Of being an adult with ADHD. I'm looking for a counselor, but that's been hard due to the pandemic. What are some tips and tricks I can implement in the short term? So you guys have heard me talk about this, right? As an adult with ADHD too, like a guiding principle of my life is don't forget to remember. I forget all the time to get the cups out of my truck. I just am onto the next, onto the next, onto the next. But I always remember how good it feels to get in the car and it's perfectly clean. And that reminds me to take my junk in. I remember how good it feels to have my lunch made in the morning, right? I remember how good it feels when I get into my bed and it's been made. And so I live by the sentence, don't forget to remember. My wife will remind me

when I'm grabbing a plate of cookies to go sit down, she the sentence, don't forget to remember. My wife will remind me when I'm grabbing a plate of cookies to go sit down, she'll say, don't forget to remember how good you feel tomorrow when you haven't eaten any of that stuff. If she said, quit eating the cookies, I'd be like, oh my gosh, I'm a grown man. I can do whatever I want. It would be a whole thing, right? Don't forget to remember. Number two, exercise, friends, and accountability. You got to move your body. You got to move your body. Walking, lifting, especially lifting weights. If you're a runner, do something. You've got to move.

Pull things. Push things. I don't care what you're doing. You've got to move your body. You've got to take care of your nutrition. You've got to be around other people. And you've got to have people in your life that will hold you accountable. That if you skip an evening out with your friends, with the guys, with the gals,

they'll say, hey, you're not skipping again. You're coming, right? Writing, making sure you get this hurricane of thoughts out of your head and put them down on paper. They tend to loop in the ADHD mind. They loop and they loop and they loop. And then they activate your physiology, right? They take over your body. Get them out and write them down, okay? Gratitude journals, journaling, whatever. And then here's the thing. You got to just do it and you got to do it and you don't feel like it. I was up late last night at an event. Today was, this is sound so cliche. I'm embarrassed to say this out loud. Today was squats and deadlifts. You had to do it, man. I didn't want to do it. I walked around my garage gym. I was like, you just got to do it. You got to do it. You got to do it because I don't want to forget to remember how good it feels when it's done.

And then you got to have a lot of grace with yourself. People around you have to have grace with you. And they've got to know sometimes you fall down and they're going to pick you back up and they're going to bonk you on the head and they're going to smile at you. They're going to wink at you. They're going to laugh at you, laugh with you, and they're going to move on. But here's the cool thing. So before this show, I spent two hours, two hours. It was a long session with my counselor. I think everybody needs to be seeing somebody,

having somebody they can talk to, whether it's a close friend that will listen to them, whether it's a professional, whether it's a mixture of both, right? It was uncomfortable and super, super necessary and hard and important. It was all of both, right? It was uncomfortable and super, super necessary and hard and important. It was all of it, right? One of the most important common questions, right, I get is I'm looking for a counselor. How do I find a counselor?

What do I need to do about a counselor? And so I always want folks to, you can go back and look, you can just Google the show, you can go back and look in the search engine here, whether it's on the podcast or whether it's on YouTube, how to find a counselor, how to find an in-person counselor. Here's the thing. It's good for learning. It's good for healing relationships,

mental health, mental illness, how to make friends, healing from trauma, all that stuff. But not everyone has access. Millions and millions and millions of people live in the states that have not opened back up. They don't have enough money to go see somebody in person. Every in-person person's got a waiting list, whatever that might be, right? So I'm super excited to let you know that I've partnered with BetterHelp to offer online therapy for video, phone, even live chat interactions, dude. It is customized live therapy. Not like, hey bro, actual licensed counselors, right? And that you can see on your camera. It's just like a FaceTime.

You can do it. You can plug your computer in and see it on your big screen TV at your house. You can do it on your phone or you can call them and talk to them. And sometimes people are having a really rough time. They can do text chat interactions or on the computer interactions. Right? So here's the deal. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy, right? Much more. And you can start meeting with your therapist within 48 hours when you fill this out. Okay. Here's a cool

thing. Millions and millions of people are doing it. And that's not like we're in middle school. Come on, bro. Everybody's doing it. Here's the thing. I took away your last excuse. If you can't find in-person person, go to betterhelp.com slash Deloney, betterhelp.com slash Deloney. You're going to get a 10% off your first month You can sign up to start seeing somebody within 48 hours Do it, do it Now you have no more excuses Do it, alright

And if you're struggling with ADHD And your mind is looped out BetterHelp.com slash Deloney And go make it happen Alright, let's take one more call Let's go to Jessie in Kansas City, Missouri What's up, Jesse? How are we doing? Hi, I'm doing good. I have a question for you. It's how do adult

children create boundaries with parents when they're still siblings at home? Give me an example. Walk me through it. Yeah. Well, I've listened to some of your shows. Well, my mom has a lot of narcissistic personality traits, and I have a lot of siblings. Five of them are out of the house, and several more are still living in the house. How many siblings do you have? I have 12 siblings. Is that a girl? Way to go, dude.

That's a whole other show, right? Yeah. So five are out and I guess I'm bad at math, but the rest of them are at home. Like six more are at home. Wow. Okay. Yeah. So anyway, but with my Like six more at home. Wow. and like I've listened to a lot of your shows where you've given advice to you know create boundaries such as you know we'll have Thanksgiving and Christmas without you until you can figure

out your marriage and in some ways that applies and like limiting contact also applies until I just think about like I can't leave my siblings like I can't leave the rest of the ones at home. And, and, and I, and I feel like lost there because, you know, I feel like whenever I'm

leaving, um, or creating boundaries, it really goes to my siblings also. Okay. Are they, are your siblings safe? Um, yeah. Okay. Are they, um they being emotionally neglected? Are they being beat up? What are the things your mom's doing that you are having to draw a line?

You cannot be around me. You cannot be around my family. I think I've been out of the house for eight years um and I've had to go to like tons of therapy for myself just to go through a lot of that stuff um she's giving me lots and lots of words what is it about your mom yeah um she like you don't know what it's like unless you're living there. Like, there's a really good front. That's what I'm trying to ask you. You're so good.

I know, but it's hard because it's like, gosh, I haven't lived there for so long. I think that I've forgotten how bad it is. She's really manipulative. But you have made the decision, I don't want my mom in my life. Yeah. And I trust you that's the right decision. All I'm asking you is why have you made that decision eight years later that I'm done? She has hurt, like, me.

And, like, just the words that she used growing up were really hurtful. Like, for a long time, I just, like, I wanted to feel loved, and a lot of my siblings were also struggling with that same thing, and when I lived at home, um, I would beg them. Like, I was so depressed as a teenager, and, like, um, I just needed help, like, really badly, and I would go to the hospital with chest pain from how much anxiety I had. And like we had social workers coming in, checking on us. And, you know, nothing. And we were so scared.

Like all of us kids, we were so scared about being taken away and everything. We were like the perfect family. But my mom, she just, she's emotionally hurtful um like when I lived there um she would go away to a room for like days on end and like my dad is still at home or he yeah so my my parents are together and um and he didn't like while I was living there he didn't really have a lot to do like he kind of checked out he would get home and take over house responsibilities and stuff and my mom would check out and my dad was just not not there um and so let me let me tell you let me tell you this it is really hard to grow up in the house of parents that have mental health issues because they look normal, they present normal, and then they disappear, right?

Yeah. And you feel whispers or ghosts of the person you think they should be or that you desperately need them to be and they're not and in some ways it feels like it would be easier if they just weren't there because there's not that disconnect between i know they're right in that room and what is it about me that they won't even come out of that room to see their own kid right it's almost easier if they're just not there because they can't come see you because they're in another state right yes and um. And, sorry, go ahead. No, go ahead, go ahead. Yeah, and it just was like

the only time that they, that my mom would ever say anything good about me was like when I would do something really good and like she could post it on social media being like, you know, look at my daughter,

you know, she graduated at the top of her class and then like that was the only good thing that was ever said. Otherwise, like the word she used is I was the poison of the family because I was the oldest one living at home at the time. And I would like beg my parents, like, can we please, you know, we need help. Like, I don't like, my siblings are coming to me asking for help and I don't know what to do.

And, you know, we need counseling or family counseling. And I was just the poison of the family at that time. Listen, listen, listen. They shouldn't have told you that. I'm sorry. No parent should ever tell their kid that they're poison. Okay? That should never have happened.

And I'm sorry that that did. And you're going to have a two-fold thing going on here. Number one, you've got to take care of yourself. Your boundaries are yours. Nobody else's. They're not your brothers and sisters. They're not your mom and dad's. They're not your grandpa's.

They're yours your brothers and sisters. They're not your mom and dad. They're not your grandpa. They're yours. Okay? And so you have to develop those strong boundaries. Apologize to no one. They are what they are so that you can function and be whole and well. Okay? The second thing is if your brother and sisters, the seven kids still living in that home, are experiencing what you're experiencing now, then you have an obligation to call somebody.

Those are two separate things, okay? And they're just children. And unfortunately, it's landed in your lap and you've got to make that phone call i think i think you know that i don't know i don't i don't know okay um if you're listen listen so surreal it is and you're in the middle of it and if it blows up everything that won't be your fault you will have helped solve an issue that's been ongoing for years and years and years and years. Okay? Okay.

And if your brothers and sisters are being neglected for days on end, if they are calling you crying saying, help, help, help, then yeah, you've got to help. That's what a big sister does. That's what a community member does. You've got to help. That's what a big sister does. That's what a community member does. You've got to make that phone call. And if your dad can hear it, then you start with him and say, I'm giving this one month, and now I'm going to call a social worker and come get the kids because I'm not doing this.

I do have something about that. Um, my, my dad, um, my dad, sorry, my, one of my other brothers, who's also out of the house, um, took my dad out to breakfast, um, because my mom was concerned of revealed like this huge, pretty much his disgust with my mom and their marriage and everything. And, um, and he's, he's also dealing with a lot of mental health, um, issues and, and that's part of why this became a thing now. Um, like for me specifically, is because I am concerned about my siblings. But, Jessie, Jessie, you can't fix your mom and dad. You can't.

You can never achieve your way to being loved by them. There's not a right way to make this call. There's not a right way to tell them, I don't want y'all in my life for the next season while I heal. There's not a way to do that, that they can hear it and be like, oh, that's cool, we get it. They can't, they're not well. And your whole life has been about making sure they leave you alone, that they are okay so you can go about doing your thing,

even to the point that you gave up your thoughts and your dreams and the things you want to do so you could get the right grades so your mom could post the right thing about her poisoned daughter. Right? Right. And eight years out of that house, you're still living in it. Still. And you have these imaginary conversations over and over about if I could just sit down and say this

and not say that. Right? Am I crazy? No, that's right. And it's exhausting. And you are poisoning yourself every day hoping that they die and that's just not going to work that way. I think I wonder to myself, like, is it even the right thing to call someone? Because like,

I just have it in my head. Like, and people, I've talked to people since then. They're like, well, you know, most of you guys have turned out fine so far.

You know, it's, it's, you, hey, Jesse, you're not fine. And you know that.

You are really, really good at performing. You're good at it. Academy Award level. You're not fine. Right? Right. Just thinking about how your mom talked to you opens a wound up, right? It's right there at the surface.

You've done a lot of therapy so you can get through a day and have normal relationships and friends. You're not okay. What would that look like for my siblings? Every single situation is different. That's why this is messy. And I want you to be under no illusions that this is a simple thing. Do you get with the other five brothers and sisters and say, hey, we're all going to have to figure this out.

We're going to have a group call here because I'm not letting this happen. Or do you meet with your mom and dad together and say, if y'all don't start seeing somebody and getting medicated and start getting well, I'm going to do what I can to get these kids out of this house. And it may look like those kids going, two of them going to one brother and one of them going to one sister. Here's the thing. There is not a way that this isn't messy going forward. It's messy if you don't say anything. Then that cycle continues. It's messy if you blow the whole thing up and call the child protective services of your state or area and they come in swarming. It's messy if you call a social worker who says, we're going to teach your mom and dad and get them the help they need. It's messy just regardless. And I hate this for you.

You didn't ask for this. You don't deserve this, but it just is. And you should not be having to do this by yourself. You should have brothers and sisters who know exactly what your other ones, what the siblings are going through. And they do. Is that right? Oh, yeah. We actually, we've had a little meeting this year already to discuss my dad's mental health.

Okay. mental health. So, and I just think that it just feels, I don't want to say extreme because I don't know if it's extreme or not, but to call social services on my own parents and to, you know, and my siblings living there, like they'll do normal activities too, but you, you just don't hear, like, it's just not spoken of unless, you know, like my youngest or one of my younger brothers living at home saw my dad sitting on the bed with a gun just because my dad was suicidal at the time. And, like, that's just stuff I don't want my siblings to go through. Jessie, Jessie, listen.

Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth? Yeah. You got to make that call. And you probably got to get all your brothers and sisters together and you all have to decide together this is going to be the weekend we do this.

And if your dad hauls off and takes his own life, that is not on you. It's not. If your mother says, see, I told you so after all these years, that's not on you. If they uncover all sorts of things with interviewing your brothers and sisters, it's just a mess. And it may be that your dad is begging, begging, begging, begging for somebody to reach out and say, hey, you're not okay. Let's get you the help you need. Let's get you somewhere. It may be that your

mom is begging, begging, begging. Here's the thing. You can't solve your mom and dad's problems. They have to decide they want to get well. But if you've got underage kids in that house, walking in on your dad, holding a gun, you can't, you got to step in. You got to make that call. You have to. Okay, Jesse, I hate this for you. I hate this for your brothers and sisters. I hate this for anybody who is trying to stop generational or legacy abuse and emotional trauma

and trying to love their parents through mental illness. It's so hard. It's devastating. Tears upon tears, loss of sleep, but that doesn't mean it's not the right thing. What I want you to do is to go see, I want you, before you make any phone calls, I want you, Jesse, to go call somebody.

Whether that's an online therapist, whether that's an in-person therapist, I want you to go meet with somebody and say, I'm going to weigh call somebody. Whether that's an online therapist, whether that's an in-person therapist, I want you to go meet with somebody and say, I'm going to weigh in here. The time has come for me to weigh in, and it's going to be hard. And I want you to get a game plan with a professional therapist,

then call in your brothers and sisters and say, here's the game plan. Here's what we're going to do. And then somebody's going to volunteer and say, we're going in. We're going to sit down with mom and dad and say, here's what's about to happen. And we're going to get the kids out of that house

and we're going to split them up among the brothers and sisters until things are well, or we're going to call services or y'all are going to commit to X, Y, or Z. Dad, you're going to get committed. Mom, you're going to have to step up. This is not y'all's house to run,

but those kids need somebody to step in and advocate for them. They need an ally soon, today. Because you know why? You needed that too. And I hate the fact that nobody showed up for you, Jesse. I hate it. I hate it.

I hate it. And now's your chance, you and your brothers and sisters, to turn and face this forest fire that's raging through your family and say, no more. We're done. We don't even know how this is going to look and it's going to be a disaster. But we're turning and we're going to be a disaster. But we're turning. We're going to face this thing down. No more. Let me know how that goes.

Let me know how that session goes. Let me know how that conversation goes. Do not think this is going to be easy. This is going to be the hardest thing you've ever had to do. That doesn't mean it's not right. Often the hardest things we have to do are the rightest things we have to do. Thank you so much for being brave, Jesse, and for that call. Man, that one's tough.

Man, my heart goes out to you guys. I'll be thinking about you, Jesse. All right, as we wrap up today's show, man, I love this song. I'm not even going to introduce it. I'm just going to go from here. Off the 2009 Backspacer album. It's a sleeper record, and it's so good. It's so good.

It's called Just Breathe by Pearl Jam, and it goes like this. Yes, I understand that every life must end. As we sit alone, I know someday we must go. I'm a lucky man to count on both hands, the ones I love. Some folks just have one, and others, they got none. Stay with me. Let's just breathe. I practiced all my sins, never going to let me win.

Under everything, just another human being. I don't want to hurt, and there's so much in this world to make me bleed. Stay with me. You're all I see. Did I say that I need you? Did I say that I want you? If I didn't, I'm a fool, you see. No one knows this more with me. You're all I see. Did I say that I need you? Did I say that I want you? If I didn't, I'm a fool, you see. No one knows this more than me.

I wonder every day as I look upon your face, everything you gave and nothing you would take. Nothing you would take and everything you gave. Did I say that I need you? Did I say that I want you? If I didn't, I'm a fool. No one knows this more than me. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show.