The Dr. John Delony Show - Making Friends as an Adult Is Hard

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman who struggles to make friends - A man who feels shame for his car getting repossessed - A woman whose sexual attack caused her to become an emotional eater To pre-order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Lyrics of the Day: "You've Got a Friend in Me" - Randy Newman Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Trying to figure out how to lose weight and keep it up permanently after experiencing a sexual trauma. And the back story, I was raped when I was 16 years old. I'm so sorry that somebody took that everything away from you, especially taking away how safe you feel inside your own body. Hey, oh, this is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. I'm so glad you're joining us. I really do. I hope you're having a great week. Hope your week is good. Hope you're reading something important. Hope you have the news mostly off. I hope you are so far away from the political madness and insanity and stupidity And you're just focusing on your friends and your community and your kids and your significant other

I'll even give you this. I hope you're hanging out with your pets. Hope y'all are having pet time Whatever's going on in your world. I hope you're doing well. If you're playing live music I hope you're playing cards. I hope you're doing things to bring you joy and make you smile And I hope you're doing well at work And if you're not that's all right We all have seasons ups and downs. That's what this show is for We talk to real people going through real challenges whether they're mental and emotional health whether it is crisis whether it is Suicidality whatever you got going on this i'm here and we're going to sit there and we're going to figure it out together

If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash askask. And please don't forget, doesn't cost anything. It's totally free. Takes just a few seconds of your time. It makes a huge difference if you leave us a review. If you're watching this on YouTube, please hit the subscribe button. We're really going to make a push for subscriptions.

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All right, let's go out to Buffalo, Minnesota and talk to Jean. What's up, Jean? Hi, how are you? Good. I'm feeling extra singy today. I'm sorry. I know it's annoying. What's up, Jean? Hi, how are you? Good. I'm feeling extra singy today. I'm sorry. I know it's annoying. What's up? Not much. Just work. Outstanding. You seem

overjoyed. Oh, no. I actually love my job. Alright, cool. So what's up? So I don't remember exactly what I said on that email, um i don't have any idea because i don't see it so you tell me um i feel like i just cannot keep friendships like whatever i do in my life like just i can get friends and i'm surrounded by people and whatever, but I just feel like anyone I get

close to all of a sudden, like I lose that friend and I'm just like, I can never keep a friendship. Is there, it sounds like you've done some deep digging just to try to figure this out. When you look back and you say like, you get really close to somebody and then the friendship just goes away, what's a common denominator if you look back? Do they tell you you're too intense? Do they tell you you don't show up? Do they just don't like you? Do you have bad breath? Why do these friendships end up fading out? I don't know. I've never talked to people about it. You know though. you're smart.

I don't know. Like, I don't know the reasoning behind it, but from how I see it, like, yeah. I get close to someone, and then, like, I'm like, oh, no, they don't actually like me. They don't want to hang out with me. They don't want to be friends with me. They're just being nice to me and whatever and then i kind of drift away because like

then i'm like okay if i like distance myself from them maybe they'll come chasing after me like they still want to be like they will come chasing after me because they want to be friends with me. And that just like. And you create a self, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy here. Yeah. You hang out with people, you'll have fun. They like you. And then you, that little inner machine kicks up. Then you decide to put them on trial, decide to test them.

And you create the parameters for that test. They will only be my real friend if I distance myself for them. If I leave them and they come running for me. Yeah. And people want to honor you. If you run away, I can't imagine the wake of people who are like, I don't know,

dude, Jean's awesome. She just disappeared. Yeah. So where does, where does, hold on, where does that voice come from?

Somebody told you a long time ago that you're not worth being friends with. Who taught you that? Not anyone that I know of, just myself. No, it comes from somewhere. Because innately, we are biologically wired to be with other people like that's our that's our event something has to happen whether it's a mom that didn't show up or a dad that disappears or parents who tell a coach or an assault whatever happens something happens that causes a fracture either acutely like there's a big blow up or it happens over time

that teaches your body the world would be better if you were just over here. I don't know. I don't remember anyone just telling me. No, very few people say, I don't want to be your friend. I want you to get away from me. They just look at their phone more than they look at you. They just choose to work 20 hours a day instead of be with their daughter. They sexually abuse somebody.

It's usually not a direct thing. You can't think of any? No. Do you have a great relationship with your folks? Like, it's not great, but I still love them, and they're my parents. Why isn't it great?

I don't know. Just growing up was hard. Tell me about that. Like, my parents have been married for 33 years, but, like, I guess more than 33 years. But anyways, like, they've always been like At each other's throats And they Like it was non-stop bickering

And whatever And I have 11 other siblings Good god almighty Lead with that Jean Gosh It sounds like you grew up in chaos Yeah but I love my family. Of course you do.

I'm not trying to say they're bad. I'm not trying to say anything negative about them. I'm just trying to give you a roadmap back as to somehow. What age order are you in that 11? I'm 8. You're 8? Yeah. Okay.

Or I'm 9. They're 8 older than me. So you're down there at the bottom okay um for any number of reasons and you and i could probably unfold this like untangle it and that'd take longer than this call you've come to believe a story that people don't want to be around you they don't like you you're not worthy of their time. Other people are more important than you, which then tells your body that other people are not safe. And when you begin to violate your body's understanding of other people aren't safe, when you start hanging out inside the bear cage at the zoo, your body will get your attention.

Yeah. And sometimes people have to drink in order to be in proximity of other folks or to have intimate relationships. Some people have to be super adventurous and busy. Some people are pathologically analytical. You create stories about why they don't like you, and then you create scenarios that will make your story inevitably come true. Yeah, that's very, very correct.

So you ask me, how do I make good friendships? You have to decide that I am worth getting hurt. And before I run out and leave somebody who's actively hanging out with me and answering my calls and going and doing fun stuff together, I'm going to push through that. When I feel my body starting to make these tests and pull away, I am going to actively lean back in and do something counteractive. Here's what that looks like in my life. Here's just a simple example. I think I've told this on the show before.

After a long week of doing media and doing shows and being on the road and traveling, I get home and I get real, real introverted real fast, like a turtle. And I know that's not good for me Because from that My diet goes to crap I just have a whole bunch of numbing behaviors That I get into So I have a rule If somebody reaches out to me And says for instance

Hey we're all getting together on Saturday night to watch the fights And I just got home And my first thought is I just want to go to bed I have to go I have to go There is no ifs, ands go to bed. I have to go. I have to go. Have to go. There is no, there is no ifs, ands, or buts. I have to go. And I always go. And I've never one time regretted going. But that's just a rule I put in for myself. That even when I'm tired, if I get invited out,

I'm going to go. Now, that's not for everybody because some people go out all the time, all the time, all the time, and they burn themselves to the ground. That's not my issue. Those people need to have the courage to put up a boundary and say, I need to rest. But that's not you. When you feel your body go, they just, they just, they probably just, or you text them and it takes them 10 minutes

to text you back instead of 5 and you start cranking up stories in your head right? yeah yeah right when that happens

just go ah maybe they have diarrhea yeah maybe they have to go to the bathroom so bad there's a long line somewhere

let reality play out before you or as Breernie brown says stop dress rehearsing tragedy yeah stop imagining the worst case scenario my gut tells me you're pretty fun to hang out with is that fair i don't know i i used to be the center of attention and just like be like going everywhere anytime just like center of attention the loud obnoxious person and then if years ago where did she go i lost her where i became very deep depressed my mom knew i had depression for years before I realized it. Then it took one night,

one night, I struggled for years. And then one night, I was, like, absolutely could not handle it anymore. And I was about to just overdose. I had the pills in my hand. I was just holding it, shaking. Just couldn't handle it anymore. I'm like, okay, I'm just going to go to bed and see what tomorrow brings. And I'm going to just go to bed and see what tomorrow brings. And then my friend the next day asked me,

how have you been doing? And I told her, and then she got scared. She knew I'd been struggling. I told her, and she got scared, so she told my mom, and her mom told my mom. And my mom picked me up from work and brought me to the mental hospital and like that was in March of last year and then I struggled for a whole nother year and then like right after she brought me to the mental hospital, I was so mad

at her. Like, why did you have to put me in that place? I do not want to be there. I don't want to whatever. And I was so mad at her that I ended up ditching her. And then, then like a year of struggling and I just became so, so within myself, never going anywhere. And then this year I was working in somebody I've known for years, but she started working here and then we just became so close so fast. You know, I literally was loving myself, loving my life. And life got busy, and it felt like she was way too busy to be friends with me. And it's just, like, getting so, like, does she even like me?

Does she even want to be friends with me? And just, like, does she even like me? Does she even want to be friends with me? And just, like, getting in my head. And then right now, like, we see each other at work and say hi and smile, but that's just about it. And I don't know what, like, I don't know how to do this. All right, let me back out. Number one, thank you for telling me that. Number two, I'm glad you're still here. Number three, you can get mad at me and hang up too,

but your mom did the exact 100% right thing. I would have done the exact same thing for my two kids. I know, but I hated it there. Hold on. Of course you did. I know you hated it there. Hold on. Of course you did. I know you hated it there. Those are scary, scary, scary places. I've been there too much.

They're terrifying. Okay. And you're still here. Yeah. And any parent any day of the week would rather their kid be mad at them in a hospital than planning a funeral. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, you can get mad at me too, but your mom did the right thing.

I know. Okay. Number three, you're going to have to decide not to not be depressed. That's insane. Anyone who tells you that, just cut them off. You don't want to be friends with that person because they're a moron. Yeah. But you're going to have to with that person because they're a moron. Yeah. But you're going to have to decide you're worth feeling better than you feel.

You're going to have to get with a professional, not back at the psych ward, unless you're going to hurt yourself again, but with a counselor who can give you some new skills. I have one. You have one? I have a therapist, yeah. But in your case, I think there needs to be a lot less talking and a lot more making plans and practicing. Yeah. You are the baseball player that used to hit home runs all the time and just is flinching when the ball comes now.

That home run hitter is still in there. Things just got blurry. Is that fair? Sometimes we have to practice those things that we used to do that made us feel good. Even when we don't feel like doing those things. And in your case, I've said this on the show a bunch before. Our feelings job is not to tell us the truth. Our feelings' job is to keep us alive.

And sometimes our feelings don't tell us the truth. So if reality says, if all of the external things are, this person's calling me back, she's hilarious, she wants to have fun all the time. She's doing all this cool stuff and she's really busy. That's awesome. I feel like she's pulling away from me,

doesn't want to be my friend and she hates me. I think objectively you could go, I'm going to write that feeling down and I'm going to examine that feeling. Is that feeling telling me the truth? No, it's not. Is she really busy? Yeah, of course. Am I busy? Yeah, of course.

But when we get together, do the wheels come off because we have so much fun? Yep. And when I say doing the work, what I mean is practicing over a period of a few months. I'm going to challenge those feelings. When my feelings tell me to shut it down, when my feelings tell me to avoid answering the phone, when my feelings tell me my mom hates me, when my feelings tell me I'm so mad at so-and-so, I'm going to write that down in a journal and I'm going to call it out. Are you telling me the truth? And all of those I write down, I'm going to tell my counselor. Here's what I wrote down. Here's the feelings I wrote down. Will you go through them with me? Is that true? Is that true? A couple of them will be true. My friend got really busy. She got a big promotion. So instead of making it all about how she's not done enough time for me,

it's dude, I get to celebrate my friend. That's amazing. And on and on and on. Here's the big thing I want to pass along to you. Your happiness and your joy and your life essence, force, whatever it is. I don't know how to say it without sounding cheesy. It's not out there. It's in you. It isn't something that you can go get. Like I finally found a friend and then I was the happiest I've ever been. No, no, no, no. It comes from the inside out. I finally believed I was worth having fun and I finally started putting myself out in positions because I love dancing. I'm going dancing.

And then I started meeting friends and my body lit up like a Christmas tree because it was awesome. But somehow a couple of years ago, and it could be chemical, it could be life circumstances, it could be a loss that we haven't talked about, it could be any number of things, your body flipped that and inverted the switch from outgoing, fun, silly, goofball gene to

live in the feelings, live in the feelings, live in the feelings. Feelings become my entire ecosystem, my entire world. And it's just a choice to work with a professional to say, I'm not going to live in feelings anymore. I'm going to identify them. I'm going to feel them, but then I'm going to go do the next thing that I know is going to help me be healthy. And over time, your body will, the sun will come back out. I promise it will if you stay in on it. I promise it will if you stay in on it. So how do you make good,. So how do you not overthink your friendships? How do you know if they're good friends or not? Let the truth be what the truth is.

And when the truth gets cloudy with how you feel and how emotional you are, write those things down and say, is this matching up with reality? I feel like this person hates me, but they've returned my calls every time this week. We've hung out twice last week. We're hanging out again this weekend. Okay, so objectively They don't

My body's just trying to get my attention for some weird reason. Hey buddy. We're good. I'm driving this car now. We're good We're good That gene is the magic it's gonna take some time it could take some work some new skills So so so glad you're here that gene is the magic. It's going to take some time. It's going to take some work, some new skills. So, so, so glad you're here. And I'll say this. I say this every time I talk to somebody. If you ever feel like hurting yourself,

if you ever feel like not being here anymore, ever feel like taking your life again, always remember the sun comes up tomorrow and you have to make that call. You have to make that call. You have to make that call. Nobody's life is better if Gene's not here. Nobody. Thank you for being brave. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season.

And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self

behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at Better

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Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. Alright, let's go out to H-Tone and talk to Chris. What's up, Chris?

Hey, thanks for taking my call, man. You got it. What's up, man? So, last week, my car actually got repossessed. Ah, what happened, man. You got it. What's up, man? So, last week, my car actually got repossessed. Ah, what happened, man?

I knew that I was behind on payments. I just didn't realize how far it was. And, uh, Can I ask you a hard question? Can I ask you a real hard question?

Yeah. Why did you choose to not know? You made a choice to avoid how bad it was yeah yeah I was avoiding it man to avoid reality how come

how come I guess to to cope with like the stress from it and uh like the

not having enough money I guess cause I knew I was overpaying it and uh bought a car. And whenever it got repossessed, I sort of felt almost relieved in a way. Of course, yeah.

You know, but... And that shame sits in something fierce, huh? I don't know how you knew I was going to say that, man. Bro, dude, because, I mean, it's like the... It's the self-fulfilling prophecy, right? Like, I'm going to avoid it. I'm going to avoid it. I'm going to avoid it.

It happens. I told you you were a loser. We shouldn't have bought this car because we're dumb. We don't make enough money because we're a loser. And then the bank can't even trust us. It's just a loop, right? And then here's your next step. Tell me if I'm wrong. The next step is you wallow in it for a few days.

You like make snow angels in the shame. And you figure out a way to numb it out. Either you drink it away or you Netflix it away or you just go hang out with your bros in a way. And then you find yourself like without a car. And then the next move is to go do something stupid like go to a payday lender, go to one of those, the guys on the side of the highway that's at like 35% interest on a car note.

Right? Yeah. I've been sleeping on it. Chris, don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Please, God, don't do that.

Okay? Right. Okay? Don't do that. Like it's already, the house fell down. Don't burn it down. You can still put it back up. Okay? don't do that. Like, it's already, the house fell down. Don't burn it down. You can still put it back up, okay? Cool?

All right, before we even get going to your question, I want you to hear. The reason I can just track, here's how this whole thing spins out, and here's where you're about to head, and you're like, oh, yeah, actually, is I've taken this call a jillion times. What does that mean?

That means you're not alone. That means you did something dumb, but you're not stupid. That means you're in a hole, but that's not where you live. You're not a hobbit. Okay? Thank you, man. There's a light on the back end of this thing. You just need to shake the cobwebs off.

And I love you enough to both kind of give you a hard time about it and also let's get a roadmap out of here. Is that cool? Yeah. All right. So they come and take your car. Then what?

So my parents are my neighbors and my dad happened to be awake whenever the guy was replying it. And I thought he was going to be mad at me because he had no idea that I was behind on payments. And I kind of, as they were pulling away, I had to explain the whole thing to him right then and there.

And it just surprised me right away. He was like, well, you got to go to work, don't you? You can go ahead and take my car. And when I got to work, I just tried not to think about it. And my brother has an extra car, and he said, hey, you can take that car and use it to save us some money. And I just wasn't expecting that, man. And it, in a way, made me feel really guilty because I'm in this situation and I have all these people that want to help me. Hold on. That's not what you feel.

I don't think that's what it is. I think you feel this weird, gnarly sense of shame because you don't think you're worthy of that much love. And your old man does. And your old, and your old man does. And your brother does. They love you way the hell more than Chris loves Chris. Fair? Yeah.

Yeah, you're right. Where did that story come? Why did Chris start talking trash to Chris? Like, all, I've been trying to better myself, man, and work on my anger issues and discipline and

self-love. I got your book back in March, Knowing Your Past, Changing Your Future, and I had to put it down because it just started getting really real, man. Yeah. Dude, you are a masterclass in avoidance.

You can take my life from me. You can take my car from me, but I will not look under the hood, man. Like, you bought a new car and you just duct taped over the gas gauge. I don't even want to know. I don't know. Yeah, and it's really catching up with me. That's right. It always does.

How old are you? I'm 28. Dude, you won the lottery, man, because it usually catches most people when they're 51. And their wife leaves them and they get fired and they got nowhere to go. Yeah. I'm excited for you.

Yeah, and I feel like my wife notices that I've changed a lot. I noticed that I've changed a lot. And when we look at old pictures, we can see the difference in my face. I'm not angry like I used to get. And this whole time, this whole past weekend, she's been trying to tell me, don't stress out. Don't let it get you mad. We'll get through it like we always do.

And just great support. And this past week was my daughter's first week of school. And it was also the day it got repossessed with our nine-year anniversary together. And I feel like it's tainted now because of this whole situation. Yeah, dude, this is where you start. This is your starting line. Yeah.

This is your starting line. That's it. It's not where the race finished. This is where the sucker begins. This is on your 19th anniversary when you point back and you're like, remember where we were? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You can't let this, this is a big moment, right? This is a big moment, but you can't let

this, I mean, bro, look what you just rattled off in front of me. You've been married almost a decade, which is unheard of these days because people think so little of covenant. You have a wife that is holding your hand through hell. You have an old man who's holding your hand through hell. You have a brother who said, here's a car. You have a daughter who's starting school, who's healthy enough to go to school. Yeah, I'm really grateful, man.

But all you can think of is I'm such a loser. That's when I'm alone. When I look in the mirror, it's like, that's whenever it all sits in. And then when I go to my family, I sort of like, I don't want to say I fake it, but I hide it. You do.

You fake it with everybody, man. You fake it with everybody. Fake it with the bank, fake it with your old man, fake it with your brother, fake it with your wife, fake it with your daughter. And I'll tell you this,

they all know. They all know. And they don't know exactly what you're wrestling with, but they know. And I'll tell you like the, the big problem with the like self-help, like flex it out movement is that it doesn't, it often allows people to skip over dealing with the core issue. And then you end up with $100,000 and a six pack abs and you freaking hate yourself. And so you have to do those things out of a sense of I'm worth a different kind of life. Not if I get these things, then I'll have a different life because you won't.

The same dude will just show up. The same guy who hates himself will show up. Does that make sense? And it sounds so cheesy to say that, bro. Trust me. I know it does, but it just sounds cheesy. But it's true over and over and over and over. I remember being in the car when the head of publishing,

my buddy Preston, handed me his cell phone with the email on it that said, hey, your book has gone number one. And I was super excited. And then instantly after he handed that to me, the phone rings, and it was Dave, my boss, and he calls me, and I was so excited. Then I called my mom and my wife. I called my wife and then my mom. And then, dude, I didn't have anybody else to call. That same lonely dude who tells everybody to not be lonely

showed up with the number one book in the country. See what I'm saying? Like, I got it. And I got it. And I went with me. Yeah. So I tell you, you go with you up and you go with you down.

So tell me, what is it about Chris that you wish was different right now? You wish you made more money? You wish your career was different? what is it about Chris that you wish was different right now? You wish you made more money? You wish your career was different? What is it? No, I love my career. I make decent money.

What do you do? I'm a machinist. Oh, so you're one of those guys that can actually do something with their life? That's pretty cool. I love what I do, man. Dude, I'm a podcaster, for God's sake. You can build a machine. That's amazing, man. Yeah. All right, what else do, man. Dude, I'm a podcaster for God's sake. You can build a machine. That's amazing, man.

Yeah. All right, what else? What do you wish was different? I just wish I could get my money right. Okay. What is it about your money that's off? Are you buying stuff to flex out for people to show them that you're more,

to try to convince them you're more? What is it? No, I feel like I've made a lot of bad decisions in the past eight years of overspending on food and getting loans here and there, buying cars with ridiculous payments. I know, but what is that car getting you? Nothing.

At the time, I thought it was a good decision, and I got a bad deal on it and made a mistake and then started resenting it and trying to hide from it. Okay. So step one of all wellness, whether you're trying to lose weight, whether you're trying to make money, whether you're trying to get right spiritually, whether you're trying to get right psychologically and emotionally is choosing reality. I have to choose to live in reality. This is the state of things. The reason I'm asking about your money is, are you, is it like a matter of like, I thought this was a good idea and then I got into it and oh my gosh, it wasn't a good idea, which means it's knowledge, it's insight. I don't have the right tools in front of me.

I thought this was the right machine to use and ended up, I should have used this machine. Is it that or is it impulse control and you're just kind of acting like a toddler when it comes to your money? It's a little bit of all because I know I do have impulse and I know that I've made like financing sound so good in the moment alright so here's how I've handled financing in my life I will never willingly chain my family to a bank again

I will never willingly chain myself to somebody who gives me money for a depreciating asset, which is what a car loan is. Every day on that, it's worth less money. And that bank note continues to stay the same. I just refuse to put my,

I refuse to be owned. See what I'm saying? And so it's not about like, I don't know about finance. I don't know if that's a good deal. No, no, no. I refuse to participate in

modern day slavery. I refuse to participate. What does that mean? Sometimes in my life, the cars I've driven have been so embarrassing. Like, bro, they're bad. I've had buddies like take me on

and be like, hey, are you okay? I do great. I don't care about my cars And I don't spend a lot of money on my clothes, I mean it's like it's and we can go on and on and on But my identity is in my wife loves me my identities and my kids love me and they're safe My identity is I do a good job at my job I do good work and i'm'm a trustworthy, integrous person. My identity is in my faith. And so when I have those things,

I don't need all that other crap. But I tell you this to tell you. There's a map out. I'm going to send you for free, I'm going to send you all of Financial Peace University, the whole kit and caboodle, and I'm going to send you one year of every dollar, okay? It's the best financial tool in the world world and you link it up with your wife.

And when both of you spend, it goes off each other's app and it tells you from your, it can connect with your bank and does all that together. Okay? Okay. But here's the deal.

I want you to watch those lessons with your wife on the couch. And if your kid's old enough, make them sit down and watch them too. So this stuff ends with you. Yeah. I don't want my kids seeing money is a bad thing. That's part of me hiding it, I guess.

But here's the deal, bro. They feel it. Yeah. They know dad can't breathe. They know dad is stressed. And they know dad can't sit still in the room because he's worried and worried and worried and worried. It is. And listen, i grew up in that house my old man was in houston and money was always always a stressor always and i grew up hating money because of what it did to my dad for what it told me about my family that we were somehow worth less than my neighbors.

I hated it, man. And I'm in my forties and I'm just now figuring out money is just a tool. That's it. And a shiny car is cool if you pay for it in cash and you got a whole bunch of other assets somewhere. Otherwise it's just stupid. See what I'm saying? Yeah. It's a total flip. But I think beneath all that, so I'm going to give you the tools on the money side, dude. If you will follow those money principles,

my promise to you is in 15 years, you're going to be a millionaire. That's probably a little bit overstated. You may not be a millionaire. I can't promise you that. You're going to have a totally different position, okay? But you have to do the work on making peace with Chris. Because Chris is a good guy. And Chris is a good brother. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't do that. You're deflecting again. Chris is a good guy. He's got a good brother and he's got a good old man. And they're not perfect. And Chris is a good guy. He's got a good brother and he's got a good old man. And they're not perfect. And he's a good husband. And he's doing his best to be the best dad he can be, even though he doesn't know what he's doing.

And he's made some stupid decisions with money. The difference between guilt and shame is, that was stupid versus I'm stupid. Yeah, you're right. You did some dumb stuff. All right, I'm going to learn from that. Same as when you're trying to teach an apprentice stuff Alright, I'm gonna learn from that Same as when you're trying to teach an apprentice in the machine shop They do something dumb

You're like, dude, don't do that again Do it like this And they go, ah, okay, cool Yeah Same At least treat yourself At least talk to yourself At least love yourself as much as your dad does

As much as your brother does As much as your co-workers do At least If not more Is that fair? Love yourself as much as your dad does. As much as your brother does. As much as your coworkers do. At least, if not more. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair, man. It's tough trying to love yourself. It is. Whenever you don't, I guess,

the expectations you want to be. That's right. And so let's be super clear because a lot of the times this stuff gets real heavy. I want you to spend a season writing this crap down. Like write down the answer to what does success look like in my home? And if success is anything to a square footage or wheels on a car that go round and round and round, you've got that thing sideways. I feel like I'm waiting.

I have a great family, like I'm waiting I have a great family like I mentioned I just don't know why I can't just be happy with myself well I think you've got some confidence issues man because confidence only comes from a bunch of little successes and you've had a bunch of stumbles man you had a bunch of like man shouldn't have done that

it's like my my wins aren't inkling out to my losses. Yeah, dude. Because you keep borrowing money on depreciating assets and they're not even paying on it. I mean, it's not hard. It's pretty simple. So, here's what I want

you to do. I want you to get some of your dignity back. You know what that's going to look like? It's going to look like this. I want you to call your brother and say, can I have this car for 12 months? And if he's like, man, that's a long time, be like, I know, I'm going to pay you. I'm going to pay you a hundred dollars a month. And I know that's not even close to what it's worth, but I need some sort of, I got to have some skin in the game here. So I'm going to give you a hundred bucks a month just for renting this car from you. And then I want you to pick up an extra shift and an extra shift. So I'm going to give you a hundred bucks a month just for renting this car from you.

And then I want you to pick up an extra shift and an extra shift and I want you to get $3,500 cash as quick as you can. Okay. And I don't want you, I want you to stay as far away

from those stupid lots as you possibly can. I want you to get on a Facebook marketplace and I want you to buy a $3,500 Camry. And they are going to rag you when you pull up to that shop,

oh my gosh, they're going to give it to you. But you know what? You're not going to owe nobody nothing. You're right. Nothing. And you could tell your wife, sorry, dude, you married me. If you married me from my Tahoe,

then you may need to find somebody else because I'm a Camry guy for the season She's all for it She's very supportive Of course she is She understands I'm just clowning on her Of course she is

But look Like I want you to drive around A $3,500 Camry for a season man And make peace with it And then save up cash And get an emergency fund for your family And pay off all your stupid credit cards.

And what we're doing, people make this all about the, well, the APR is here, and if you invested this, dude, we're not there. We are, I am choosing freedom in my home. Chris in Houston, my family will be holding to nobody. If I get fired from my job, it's going to be their loss, and I'm going to have to take a week off and kind of shake off the cobwebs. And then I'm finding me a new gig

because I got an emergency fund of my own cash and my own bank account. I don't need it. I'm squared up. Totally squared up. This is about choosing reality. Here's the state of things. Take your wife out for breakfast one day, man.

Or for lunch. Go out to Papa Cita's there in Houston. One of the state of things. Take your wife out for breakfast one day, man. Or for lunch. Go out to Papa Cita's there in Houston. One of the greatest Mexican food places on planet Earth. And just say, what do we want our house to look like? And more importantly, what do we want our house to feel like? What does that look like? How much money is that going to require? What kind of cars is that going to require?

It's going to be a lot different than you think. Let's build a picture together, you and her. And let's start leaning into that. And you're going to get a bunch of little wins towards a picture that you and your wife have chosen, a home y'all have chosen to build. And dude, now you are off to the races, my friend. And along the way, I want you to remind Chris that you're a good man. You didn't think it was going to feel like this. It feels different than you thought it was going to feel. But the proof is in the pudding. You got wife got a great kid got a good family got a home got a roof over your head you don't owe

nobody anything you're a good man chris i'm grateful for you brother thanks for calling call anytime and uh hang on the line i'm gonna send you a copy of building a non-anxious life too and all the fpu gear and um i need you because I'm not there. I need you to at least get yourself to at least one Astros game and cheer, man. We're getting close to not making the playoffs and I'm going to hold you accountable for it, my brother. We'll be right back. I'm so proud that Thorne Supplements,

my favorite supplements on the planet, have continued to partner with me and our show listeners for health, longevity, and just feeling good. Thorne is one of our longest standing partners on this show. And it's because I trust them. I use them. I read their research papers and I know their products are great and that my fans will love them too. Here's the deal with supplements. There's so, so much garbage out in the marketplace. And other than my admitted gummy candy problem, I'm pretty freakish about what I put in my body. And that's why I trust my

health and the health of my family with Thorne. Personally, I've been taking Thorne supplements for years and years, way before I was on the internets with these shows. And my wife and kids have been taking them as well. And here's what I take every single day. I take the super EPA fish oil, the methylated B vitamins, creatine, phosphatidylserine, and more. I take Thorne for specific physiologic needs for me to keep my body and mind optimized and for overall longevity and health. And here's the cool thing. We've set up an amazing opportunity for all of the listeners of the Dr. John Deloney show. 25% off everything in the Thorne store and not just on your first visit, but every time you make a purchase through our page and our account. This isn't a sale that's going to change from week to week. All you do is go online, create an account through my page, and you'll get 25% off from here on out forever. It's that easy. Go to

thorne.com slash you slash Deloney. That's Thorne, T-H-O-R-N-E.com slash the letter U slash Deloney for 25% off everything in the store. I trust Thororn. My family trusts Thorn. And you can trust Thorn too. All right, let's go out to Carol in Georgia. What's up, Carol? Hey, it's so nice to be talking with you today. Thank you for taking my call. Oh, goodness. Thank you for calling me. And I'm kind of in a singing mood still. I'm trying to stop. Kelly says it's annoying. People write in comments and you quit singing. Is my singing bad? Oh, you're fine.

All right. No, you're good. All right. What's up, Carol? Okay. I'm trying to figure out how to lose weight and keep it up permanently after experiencing a sexual trauma. Oh, gosh. What happened?

And the back story, I was raped when I was 16 years old. I was being in a size 5'7". After years of yo-yo dieting, I'm now 44. Yeah, I've arrived at my life. And then a size 18-20. In the past, I could lose some weight. However, every time I received any kind of attention from a man as little as a look or a smile or any time I was planning an event, trip, holiday, get together, etc., I would gain weight and didn't realize I was doing this to myself until a couple of years ago. And now that I know, I still cannot seem to break the cycle. And on top of that, I was in a vehicle accident six years ago that caused a lot of issues with my body, making it even harder to exercise or do any kind of physical activity any length of time without being in excruciating pain. So I'm in desperate need of your help, Dr. John Delaney.

Delaney, sorry. Oh, you're okay. My wife says my name wrong too still after 25 years. It's fine. Oh, man're okay. My wife says my name wrong too, still. After 25 years, it's fine. I guess I'll just start with, I'm so sorry that happened. Thank you. I'm so sorry that somebody took that, everything away from you. especially taking away how safe you feel inside your own body. And I'm also sorry for almost 30 years of just painful loneliness, right?

Yeah. I'm so sorry. My experience is you're going to need somebody different than me but I'm going to walk you I'm going to hold your hand and walk you to that person is that cool? that's perfect

man so most common this is what the literature would tell me okay is that after a sexual assault there can be a couple of different paths when it comes to weight gain sometimes it is i want to hide inside myself I want to disappear in a crowded room. Kind of like my daughter, she's seven. She'll put her hair over her eyes and kind of feel like she's disappeared, even though she's standing right there.

I can kind of disappear. Or I can put some safety between me and the outside world. There's often another piece of this train that I think is more insidious and that it's somehow, some way, the story gets twisted up inside of somebody that this is what they get, that this is what they deserve. It's almost a form of self-punishment. Look at what you did last time.

Look at what you allowed to happen last time. Look at the role you played in what happened last time. That's what you get. So if you've honestly looked, I mean, it sounds like you've, I mean, you're way ahead of most folks that I sit down with in this challenge. When you look back and you go,

oh gosh, every time, every time I get close to somebody, every time I start to be around other people, I just, without even thinking, I start using food to numb out. And then it's got some pretty significant health consequences for me. When you look back, what is your body trying to keep you safe from? Being hurt Okay Is there any sort of guilt here Or are you able to separate yourself From any sort of

This is on somebody else Somebody else took this from you That you didn't play a role in that I'm sure the others do What's the guilt from? Tell me the guilt story. I guess it was a person that worked with my dad

and he'd come to the house, so I mean, he was a I wouldn't consider a family friend, but I guess if I wouldn't have got in the vehicle. Nope, nope, nope, nope. It's going to stop you right there, Carol. No, you're a kid.

You're a kid. That man stole from you. Okay? Yeah. Yeah. When you lose weight, does it make you feel vulnerable, naked on a street corner, if you will? Yes. Exposed? Okay.

I mean, of course, when I'm bigger, like I am now, I want to lose the weight. Oh, of course, of course. And I want to be healthy. But then when I get there, if I get any look or attention, it scares me. Yeah. All right, I'm going to walk you through a few steps, and I'm going to direct you where you need to go next, okay? Okay.

All right. And so for people listening, by the way, I totally get it. It's very easy to think, man, you'll feel so much better if you're right. And it's a feeling of terror that if you haven't been through some sort of sexual assault or sexual trauma, that it's hard to even put into words. In fact, your body takes over. And you even spoke of it as an out-of-body experience. Almost you wake up a month later and you've put on 35 pounds, right? It's almost so automated or so mind-numbing that your body starts to save your life from yourself because it's so put a pin in intimacy and relationships that it goes running, right?

Okay. All right. So here's step one. I want you to hear what I'm going to say, and I'm going to be pretty direct because we only have a few minutes, okay? And normally I'd be a lot slower to say some of the things I'm going to say, but they're pretty direct, okay? Is that cool? And a lot of them you probably know,

but maybe no one's ever said them to you before, okay? This is not keeping you safe. And in fact, this is killing you slowly. I agree completely. Okay. The second thing is, and this is going to be hard, and this is going to be something you have to unpack with a counselor. Do you promise you will talk to somebody? Yes.

Okay. We are going to commit from this day forward that we will not give that man one more second of your life. Yes. No more. No more keeping ourselves safe from that guy. Surely he's long dead by now? Hopefully.

Okay. He does not get one more inch of real estate in your heart anymore. He's still winning. He's still cast a shadow, and that ends today. Okay? Yes. Now I know that's easy to say out loud and there's going to take some significant trauma counseling to work through it.

Not significant in time. I think you can do it relatively quickly over the course of 10 or 11 or 12 weeks, but significant, like it's going to be tough. It'll be tough. But if anybody knows tough, it's Carol in Georgia,

right? Amen. That's right. I ain't fighting you. No way. Okay. Step two, I want you to recognize you were not safe then when that predator of a man came into your house and took from you your innocence, your safety, your ability to get close. He stole that from you.

You weren't safe then, but you're safe now. And that sentence is going to be critical to you getting well. So when your body starts to try to protect you in the present from a thing that happened 30 years ago, we're going to stop and we're going to say out loud, I wasn't safe then, but I'm safe right now. I'm Carol from Georgia. I'm safe right now. Okay?

Yes. All right. You're going to have to decide over time to catch those feelings in progress, in action. And sometimes that will be halfway through a cheese. I don't know what your food of choice is. Mine is candy and cheeseburgers. I catch myself halfway through a cheeseburger and I'll throw the whole thing out. Oh my gosh, I am mindlessly doing this. I've been on the phone with somebody in the middle of a business call, trying to make a thing. And I pulled into a drive-thru. I'm just going down. I'm going down a rabbit hole here, caught it. And then I asked myself, what business call, trying to make a thing. And I pulled into a drive-thru. I'm just going down, I'm going down a rabbit hole here. Caught it. And then I asked

myself, what's my body trying to protect me from? Oh, I'm kind of ashamed that I might not get the speaking gig or they can't meet my rate or whatever the thing is that my body's trying to protect me from. And it's just a practice to catch it. You can't see this unless you're watching, because we're on the phone, but I actually have like a journal that I carry with me. It's just the thoughts. I just write them down. That way I can just examine them. Is this true or is this not true? And then over time with a counselor, you're going to learn some new traits, some new skills. Instead of eating those feelings, we're going to walk those feelings. We are going to call a friend those feelings. We're going to show up to a group's those feelings. We're going to walk those feelings. We are going to call a friend those feelings.

We're going to show up to a group's those feelings. We're going to read a book those feelings. We're going to have a cup of coffee, a cup of tea. We're going to figure out other avenues for those feelings. Does that make sense? Yes. Here's where that's a huge paradigm shift for you. You're not broken.

There's not something wrong with you. Your body's doing exactly what it should. It is trying to protect you from that hell ever happening again. And it's done a great job, right? It's done a job. Uh-huh. And it's cost you everything, right? Yes, yes.

Okay. So what we have to do is we have to open up our toolkit, of which there's only one tool, and that is avoid all relationships, period. Okay, that worked. That kept us safe, and it's killed us too. So we're going to put some new tools in that worked. That kept us safe and it's killed us too. So we're going to put some new tools in that bag.

That's it. And I don't want you to look at this as though you have some sort of character issue or some sort of willpower issue. No, you don't. You just need some different tools

in that bag that you got to practice using. That's all. Okay. Okay? I want you to honor your body for having kept you safe for 30 years.

Okay. And be really pissed off that it chose that way. Right? Right. It could have chose marathon running. I saw recently there's a significant number of endurance athletes that also had significant trauma. Okay? It's equally not good., it's equally not good,

but it's just the body's response. And so, hey, buddy, you kept me safe. I really hate how you did this, but you kept me safe. Right? I got this from my good buddy, Sal DiStefano, who works with the Mind Pump guys. And I want you to hear me really closely. You cannot hate your body into being healthy. You can't disgust yourself into being healthy. You can't. You have to honor it. You've kept me safe. Thank you. You thank you. And now we're going to learn safety in a new way. Because this way is going to kill me. And it's going to keep me lonely. It's going to keep me fill in the blank.

Step three, you're going to have to begin practicing becoming aware when you grab food, when you're isolating. And this isn't about fighting yourself. This is about one word, awareness. That's it. Okay. And if you will, do the work of writing them down in a journal And when I say journal like nine bucks at walmart have somebody go get it for you, right nine bucks um

As you write them down you'll start to see a pattern Every time my dad calls I reach over and grab something to eat Every time it gets past eight o'clock and I'm lonely, I grab something to eat. Every time I finish, I get nervous at work or whatever the thing is. And those will be your trigger points. Curious. Why is my body trying to protect me from that? You see what I'm saying? And I want you to hear how light my touch is on all of this. You have fought yourself for 30 years, right? You have fought yourself for 30 years, right? Yes. You've hated yourself for 30 years, right? Yes. You've been grossed out for 30 years, right?

Yes. See, can we make one agreement? That's not working. Right. Let's try something else. Yes. It's the same thing I tell parents who are screaming at their kids and screaming at their kids, screaming at their kids, take out the trash, take out the trash, make her bed. When I finally say, hey, that's not working. What if we tried something else? And that's all I'm asking you. You've tried the hammer method. You've tried the scream method. You've tried the I hate you method.

You've tried the starvation method. You've tried the I'll work this off method. Let's start with the I love Carol method. You've tried the I hate you method. You've tried the starvation method. You've tried the I'll work this off method. Let's start with the I love Carol method. And thank God for keeping me safe. Yes. And now let's move on. Step four is going to be to seek out a daily, weekly group of people that you care about. Whether that's an Overeaters Anonymous, whether that's a counselor, whether that's a group of women they get together for coffee somewhere at a local place i'm convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt there is no healing especially from trauma and isolation you have to be with other people and okay what makes trauma so ugly is it makes the one it makes oxygen poisonous it makes oxygen feel poisonous right when you start getting close to people,

that's when your body says, run, right? That's what you're going to have to go through. That's the alarm you're going to have to head directly into. Kind of like your kitchen, that smoke alarm goes off. You don't run out in the yard. You go see what the alarm, what's setting the alarm off. That's what we're doing here. Okay. You know know meeting with a group of friends once a week that sets off your alarms cool then i'm gonna make sure we're doing that or i'm gonna go to overeaters anonymous i'm gonna go to uh whatever group i'm gonna go be with people slowly slowly slowly at first right right? Yes. And I'm going to suggest,

and this is going to get me some hate on the internet, saying, I don't care. I don't think it's time for exercise yet. Okay. Okay? I don't think we're there yet. If you could go for a walk every day, I think that would be dramatic for your body and your mind and your soul.

But if you can, don't. Cool? Perfect. I think that would be dramatic for your body and your mind and your soul. But if you can, don't. Cool? Perfect. You may be ready to rock and roll. Like, no, no, no, I want to get an exercise program and get this, go to physical therapy and get some PT and get this pain under control. Cool.

That's great. But I don't want you to try to look in the mirror and stare at yourself and hate yourself forward on that treadmill. I want you to think, we've been kept safe for this long. Now we're moving into part two. That took way longer than we thought, but we're moving into part two, which is, I love this body that has kept me safe for 30 years so much. I'm going to make sure it's around for another 40. Right? I am exercising because I get to, because that guy has not one more inch inside of my heart. He will not keep me isolated anymore. He will not keep me alone anymore, anymore, anymore, anymore, anymore.

Here's step five. This is the hardest part. Have you ever been to counseling yet? No. Okay. Most of my family in France don't even know what happened. Okay. Grief demandsands a witness

As the great David Kessler says You have to say these things out loud And here's what I almost guarantee Has happened inside of you When you told me what happened I'd be willing to bet Your shoulders dropped a little bit And it felt

And then over the course of this call, your body has filled back up with air. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. And then when you get off this call, you're going to have a, I can't believe I said that. I can't believe I said that. I can't believe I said that. You're going to have to find somebody that you can sit down and be honest and tell the story to. So I want you in your local community, I want you to reach out to somebody and say, I was sexually assaulted and raped as a teenager, and it's continuing to have a powerful hold on me into my 40s, and I'm ready to let this go. I would like to explore trauma counseling. What does that mean?

Might be EMDR. It might mean body work, which is what I had done, did, and it was extraordinary. That's a whole other conversation we could have another time. It might be some sort of adult centric seeking safety program. It might be an REBT program. It might be any number of things. The modality, I don't care so much about, but somebody that will walk through and teach you a set of skills for self-managing when your body takes off on you and then head back through that trauma and then the peace and freedom on the other side of it. And there's going to be guilt and I can't believe it went on this long. All that's part of the healing.

Man, you're worth all of it. We're going to clip this. I'm going to send it to you, Carol, just so that you don't have to wait for a month until this show comes out. I'm also going to send you a copy of my book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future. And I want you to read that book. It doesn't speak specifically to weight gain, but it does talk about healing from trauma, just the path out and how these stories get lodged in

us. And I want you to, before today is over, I want you to call a counselor and I want you to call one or two women that will go out and have coffee with you. And if you're brave, you can say the story out loud. You don't have to say names. You don't have to say anything like that. But you can say the story out loud and be heard for the first time. It'll be scary. It'll be hard. And that's the first step towards this not holding you anymore, that I'm a grip on you anymore. I'm free from this.

I am free. I'm so grateful for you, Carol. I'm so proud of you. I'm so grateful for you, Carol. I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of you for not giving up on you and saying, all right, cool, 44. Today is when everything changes. Carol, you call me anytime, anytime. I'm here for you.

Your bravery has inspired me today. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, Randy Newman, because Kelly's 114. Songs by Randy, how old is Randy Newman? This is a song that Kelly used to listen to when she was... It's from Toy Story. In college. Oh, is it?

It's a Toy Story theme song. Oh, sorry. Jeez. Doesn't Randy Newman make peanut butter cups or something? Paul Newman. Just read the lyrics. That's Paul Newman. And that's salad dressing.

Just read the lyrics. Randy Newman. You got the lyrics. That's Paul Newman. And that's salad dressing. Just read the lyrics. Randy Newman. You got a friend in me. You got a friend in me, Kelly. When the road looks rough ahead and you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed. Just remember your old pal said, you got a friend in me.

You may be really, really old, but you've got a friend. That you may be really really old but you've got a friend that's not that line's not in there you got a friend in me if you're listening to this show and even if you're not you got a friend in me too

I'm glad you're here I'm grateful for you bye