The Dr. John Delony Show - Marriage Isn’t What I Thought It Would Be

Episode Date: April 17, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: -       A husband realizing marriage isn’t what he’d hoped for -       A wife struggling to support her husband’s lifelong dream -       A woman wondering if she and her husband should separate their finances Next Steps 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or click here. 📚 Get Building a Non-Anxious Life. 📝 Take the Anxiety Test. 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation   Offers From Today's Sponsors ·      10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp   ·      3 free months of Hallow  ·      25% off Thorne orders  ·      20% off on Organifi products   Listen to More From Ramsey Network 🎙️ The Ramsey Show   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. People that call in have some serious issues, and I even had reservations calling because I want to have a better marriage with my wife. Some of the other callers I can't compare, I can't hold a candle to, I feel. What I think is a sometimes greater tragedy is the just, this is the way this is going to be. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show coming at you. Not live at all, but kind of, sort of. It was live when we recorded it. When you're hearing it, it's super not live from Nashville, Tennessee. So hope that you're doing well. Hope that you're doing great.

Kelly's just shaking her head. Don't tell me to do the intro over. It was amazing. No, but you give away. Some things remain behind the scenes. Oh. Like what? You know, it's not live.

People, if they want to think it is, just. You don't have to give away all of our secrets. Live from Nashville, Tennessee. It's this incredible show. We're talking about your marriage. It's the greatest one ever of all time, actually. Marriage, mental health,

emotional health, parenting, whatever you got going on in your life, show. If you want to be on the show and you're already thinking, man, you know what I would like to do? Talk to somebody who doesn't sound like

he even knows where his socks are about some of the most intimate, scary moments of my life. I'm that guy. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK. All right, hey, let's go to West Palm Beach, Florida, and talk to Nate Dogg.

What's up, Nathan? Dr. John, what's up? How are you? I man, I'm, I'm doing fantastic. I'm not doing a great job at the show so far, but other than that, I'm doing good. What's up? You are good. You're doing amazing. It's awesome. I want to thank you for taking my call. It's an honor and a privilege. Well, your kindness is an honor and a privilege. So thank you. What's up? I wanted to first ask If you ever move to South Florida

Could we start a punk band together? A hundred percent I will probably never move to South Florida Because I grew up with hurricanes And so I just don't dig them But I'm getting close to needing to start a full-time band So I'm in Nice, nice

But dude, we have to slay We can't just do a punk band that stands there we have to cause issues i i uh well i seem to do that sometimes you know another aspect of my life so excellent all right so what's up well uh i'm married uh just about 10 years now, and I wanted to just call and talk to you. And I feel like I'm a very likable person and that I don't have too much conflict in my life. And my wife doesn't really see me that way. And, uh, you know, like, I don't know, I just somehow push her buttons and, and, uh, and, uh, just tend to have an issue with, you know, communicating right. And clicking with her and, uh, in a good way on a consistent basis. And what does she not like about you?

Um, uh, time management skills. Would it be less, less, uh, beat around the bush? Are you late to everything? time management skills. Be less beat around the bush. Are you late to everything? I am much better at not being late to everything. But in my past, it was kind of the thing

that I was known for amongst my friends. But they didn't really have a problem with it. So it wasn't a big deal. My wife is very prompt and punctual, or at least tries to be as best she can. What else does she not like about you? When we're not.

The fact that you don't answer questions directly and you talk in huge circles around them. What do the things do? She just says that we, you know, we don't get along for things. There's certain things that she wants, you know, have done a certain way. And I want to do them another way. When we got married at first, I felt like I, you know, would kind of take control and just do things, you know, a, as a husband and everything. Um, and, uh, I felt, you know, criticized often and, and that, you know, kind of broke me down in a way I feel. Um, and so now I just, and this, this may be the problem too, but I just kind of just go with whatever she wants to,

you know, um, where do you want to go out to dinner? Oh, I don't know, whatever you want, you know, that kind of thing. So, yeah, this, this has become a pretty gnarly dance. It doesn't end well. Um, well, I certainly, I certainly don't want it to end at all. So I, you know, I, I, I hear some of your calls, man. And, and the people that, you know, call in have some serious issues. And I even had reservations of calling cause I really, I mean, I want to have a better marriage with my wife and I think I deserve that. And I think she deserves that. And so that's why I'm calling. But some of the other callers, it's just like, you know, I can't compare. I can't hold a candle to, I feel. Well, I always want to be careful about comparing tough situations, right? Because sometimes the gift of a really tough, like, someone's been having an affair for five years is that lid is off the jar.

We have to deal with this now. Right? I was with somebody at their four-year-old's funeral this past weekend. And the father said something to me that was really profound. He said, most people get the option of avoiding grief for most of their life. We didn't have that choice. And I was like, man, that's a heavy, profound truth. Most of us can side skirt it and go around it and we lost our job. We'll just put on the credit card. There's just ways to get around it. So sometimes when you listen to the show, it's like, you've been cheating for five years. It's like, oh my gosh, that's so bad. But now we're going to deal with it.

What I think is a sometimes greater tragedy is the just, this is the way this is going to be. And it's slowly, without people realizing it, you just get underwater. That's stupid. You're dumb. That's not how we do this i'm not doing it like that well i don't even care anymore where do you want i don't care and suddenly that's the avenue that one person at work sends you a hilarious text and you reply back that's how that

starts man and so yes well you're right there's not like some sensational like my wife was like that fair or i've been doing what cool that doesn't mean that like you said y'all don't deserve something different than this i want to go back to something you said earlier when you said i got married and i thought i would just be the leader sometimes people confuse leadership with getting whatever I want. Tell me what you mean by, I was going to be a leader

and it didn't work out that way. I would try to, off the top of my head, for example, if we were going on a vacation or doing a trip, going somewhere, doing something,

I would kind of tend to just wing it in a way, but that's always worked for me. Um, and then when something kind of backfired, a plan fell through or something like that, it became my fault because it was my, uh, it was your fault. Yeah. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. I, you know, I, I have to accept that. Um, and I, over the years have tried to avoid, uh, putting myself in a situation where I would be at fault and I'm probably at fault for that too. But, well, um, what, what is it? So this is a strange conversation conversation the world is getting to hear mid-40s me talk to 25 year old me because i'm you okay okay how old are you now i'm 42 okay well i got 20 years of figuring it out but i'm you 20 years ago, 15 years ago. My wife may say one year ago, but I'm going to go with 15 or 20 years ago. Here's what I hated. I hated plans because I

thought plans took the spontaneity and joy and opportunity for random adventure out of life. And so I would plan a short vacation, a short weekend getaway. I'd make no reservations. I wouldn't even call hotels. I would get off of a plane and say, well, let's go find a cool place to stay. And when we got there, it was always ended up being a La Quinta because we didn't have reservations. I would be like, let's just see what's a cool, like local place. I'm not going to go to a touristy place. I'm not that guy. And we'd end up

at either Arby's or somewhere that it was like a sprint back to the hotel bathroom. Right? And it never worked out. Or I would drive around. I like to go feel the vibe of this town. Well, for for my wife that meant four hours driving through neighborhoods In southern california or in some wherever in a rental car That's not a vacay you see i'm saying and so I thought plans meant lack of fun. I thought plans meant

lack of energy. I thought plans meant lack of energy, spontaneity, excitement. And then when she would call me on it, I'd get pissed because it really, like you mentioned, it exposed the fact that I hadn't planned much anything other than look at this trip I did. And what I've learned over the last 20 years is my wife felt uncared for and unsafe and unloved because I didn't even bother to get a hotel room. I didn't even bother to be on time for church. And when I looked at it through that lens, it became a powerful agent of transformation for me.

Does that ring a bell at all? Yeah. And what it meant for me was like planning things. I can't describe it other than it drives me crazy. It makes me bananas. And so here's how we've handled it in my house. And it's worked beautifully. I tell her, here's what I want this trip to feel like.

I want it to be an adventure. I want to have, like, I do want to go fishing. Cool. I want to just chill. We went on a trip, a camping trip, a couple friend of ours a couple years ago. And we all got together in a room. It was like, all right, what do you want? I was like, I want to sit by a lake and read a book.

Probably six books. Awesome. What do you want? I want like, I want to sit by a lake and read a book, probably six books. Awesome. What do you want? I want to go do that. And we all put it on the table. And then my wife said, can I please put all this together like a big puzzle? And I was like, amen, sister, go get it. Because that part gives her life and joy.

It's putting the whole thing together and make an itinerary and make it all work. And so leadership in that sense is not, we're going to do what I say. Leadership is knowing, oh, that's the right person for this particular role Thank god There are people with skills and talents. I don't have And dude, I had to face the fact that me being late communicates to the people around me that they do not matter And I wish that wasn't the case But that brings me to this. That's been the world y'all have created,

and then your way of dealing with that is not heading into it, it's opting out. Wherever you want to eat, I don't care. And then the only way she can connect with you is to just beat you down, right? Hmm. Is any of this ring true? Yeah.

At the same time, I would say, you know, if I do make a suggestion, uh, you know, for example, where to eat or whatever, you know, would say, oh, you're just throwing out names of what, you know, what, uh, you know, what's available, not what you actually want. And, and, uh, you know, I would say I would find something to eat any of those all of those are good so you know what what works for you you know what I what I'm learning is that this is this is an over generalized statement so I'm just gonna speak about my house and you can take in and leave whatever part of this you want. What my wife really craves from me is me to have an informed opinion that has been informed by actually thinking about and being present with what's happening.

So if I know that I have a date tonight, I communicate that I care about her and our time together by thinking, what do I actually feel like eating tonight? And then telling her, I've been dreaming about a burger all day. Like I can't do any pasta because I'll have the gas. So can I please,

I really am feeling Mexican food tonight. That's what she craves. The food is the byproduct of not being passive. And she can say, I can't do Mexican food tonight already. I can't. What about this? Awesome. But it sounds like your wife is poking you and poking you and poking you. And if she was on the phone with me, I would tell her quit poking. Like that's not an effective strategy. It's a terrible strategy. But she's not on the phone. She's trying to get you to care.

And I know you're saying like, no, I'm telling her I care by saying I don't care. Like, I really don't. And I think she's trying to let you know that that isn't communicating what you think it is. You ever see somebody who, you're in South Florida. You ever see somebody who, you're in South Florida, you ever seen somebody who is on vacation down there

and they're trying to talk to somebody who speaks Spanish and the person says, no hablo ingles, and they just say English louder and slower? Yeah. That's what you're doing.

That's what you're both doing to each other, right? Okay. Gotcha. So how do I, how do I, I know, like, I can't make her happy. I, I, I don't think that's anybody's job to make another person happy. Maybe I'm wrong on that, but, um, I want to be able to facilitate like a good relationship and, and I don't want to, I want to know what, you know, more directly from her, what those things are. But at the same time, I don't think I'm going to get a direct answer. I think if you, that leadership you were talking about, that initiative, that putting your standing up tall and planning a weekend away where you take her and you say, we're 10 years in now.

And this is, I love you more than life itself. And the marriage we've had, I want to put a period at the end of it and I want to build something new. And in this new, I communicate to you that I love you, not through only words, but through how I live because my behavior is a language And i've been late everywhere and i'm loosey-goosey everywhere and I say I don't care about things that I actually kind of care about Or I don't care about but I know that that isn't a good way to communicate with you And I want to be different starting today

What would this look like for both of us? Because here's the deal. I think you're right. She doesn't like her life and she's trying to either get you to fix it or to at least get you to where she can blame you for it. And is that fair? No. But on the other side, you've backed completely out of your marriage because you got tired of getting poked. And then you're frustrated that she's reaching so far to poke. It's the only way she knows how to connect with you.

It's the only way you'll get up and actually fix the thing or decide the thing or whatever the thing. And I think it's just completely control alt deleting the communication how we do this. Can it be done yes because it happened in my house it had to start with and i've talked about this a bunch i i had to start with how do we want this home to feel like when you walk in from work and she's

there how do you want this place to feel like? And then what must be true for those feelings to come to fruition? And if you say, I want to come in, I want you to actually be happy that I walked in the door, then she's going to say, okay, then I need to know when you're going to be here and you have to actually show up on time. And we have to have met on Friday,

the weekend before Saturday and talked about what the menu is for the week. I need you to help with week. I need you to help with childcare. I need you to, see what I'm saying? It's about plugging in. Yeah.

What does planning drive you crazy? Why does that just haunt you? Being on time, planning, making, looking into the future

for things. Why do you hate that? I wouldn't say I hate it. Why do you hate that? I wouldn't say I hate it. Um, why do you avoid it? At this point, because she takes care of all of it. She's had to for a decade. Why do you avoid it? Uh, I do feel like she enjoys a lot of things. She wants to decide where we're going on vacations and things like that. We take the kids and all that, and she gets a lot of enjoyment out of it, finding different places to stay and everything.

There's theme parks galore up in Orlando and everything. So I think that she does enjoy doing all of that. Okay. You just said something really important and I'll, I'll, I'll, you and I could talk for hours. I'll leave you at this one. Okay. Um, there's a great Brene Brown story that she wrote, writes in one of her books, but the crux of it is this. She uses the phrase, her and her husband use it back and forth. And by the way, my wife and I have done this for years now, and it's a magic phrase that cuts through all the nonsense. And it's this, the story I'm making up about you is that you like to plan all of these

vacations by yourself and that I ruin these and it drives you crazy when I ruin them. But you enter into that conversation, not not with, you like to do it. Every time I say it, you complain about, that's not it. The story I'm choosing to make up is that you don't want me to help with these vacation plans. And she would probably say, the story I'm choosing to make up is, you've been telling me for 10 years you don't care. You've been telling me for 10 years by being late to everything that doesn't, you could get, right?

So that phrase, the story I'm choosing to make up is, and maybe I'll have a story I'm choosing to make up retreat. The stories I'm choosing to make up over the last 10 years is I can't do anything right. We know that's not true, but the story I'm choosing to make up is that you don't like me. the story I'm choosing to make up is that you don't like me. The story I'm choosing to make up is

that phrase will transform your marriage if y'all sit down and actually be grownups and have that hard conversation. Here's the deal. I think you're right. I don't think your marriage is falling apart. I think your marriage is in a thinner space than you think it is.

And I think some direct intervention, let's not make the next 10 years, because by the way, we have to choose what it looks like. Let's not make the next 10 years what the last 10 years have been. I want to be different. I want you to be different. I want us to have a different experience here.

Let's co-create this together. And that's going to start with you making some plans, being direct and saying, I want to take you out because I want you and I to begin to plan on the next 10 years, what that looks like. What's the story you're choosing to make up, man? Start making a list of them. Ask her along with you. It may change everything. We'll be right back. It's time to talk about Organifi. All right, here's one of my main life goals.

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All right, we're back. Let's go out to Springfield, Illinois and talk to Nicole. Hey, Nicole, Illinois and talk to Nicole. Hey, Nicole, what's up? Hello. What's happening? Oh, nothing. I just wanted to say thank you for your staff for hollering back and girl at me. Original.

Number one, you ain't no hollering back girl. That's B-A-N-N-A-S, but two, thank you for being on the show. What's up? Yes. So I had a question as pertaining about my husband. I'm going to kind of read it off because, you know, nerves, right?

Okay. So my question to you is when your husband's lifelong dreams are becoming more and more unrealistic, as his wife, how can I support him? But in realistic circumstances without him feeling like I am

shooting him down or not being supportive. Oh man. You are between a rock and a hard place, aren't you? Oh yeah. All right. What's give me a, give me a primer on where you are or what happened. So, um, he, so his real, like his dream is wanting to ultimately like farm, just farm. Um, he's. Does he have any farming experience or just a ton of YouTube videos? Uh, so he was raised on it. Yeah. Okay. All right.

So he's got, he knows what farming is. He knows that life. Okay. Yes, he does. Um, the thing is that, um, he took it over about six years ago because all of a sudden his uncle had passed and it was kind of like, okay, here you go. Oh, he took over the family for him? He did. Okay.

So we did, but then come to realize after a year into it that the family had so much debt that my husband was kind of set up for failure. So then it was taken away. Um, like it got, the farm got repoed. So no, we had to sell everything, all the equipment, everything. Um, it's still in the family. Like our land is still in our family name, but it is ran by, it is owned underneath a family member. So it's under trust, all this stuff, but other people farm it. And yeah. Yikes. That was huge.

That was like a funeral for him, wasn't it? Yes, because it was also during a time that family member died too. So it was a lot. That's heavy. Okay. All right. died too so it was a lot that's that's that's heavy okay all right so um like millions and millions of people in america who are farming they're so trapped in this debt cycle and it's just what a catastrophe it is but so he lost it um had to sell and and then what

and then to fill that void him and a close friend started to then own cattle. And that kind of filled the grain void of not being able to farm that way. So he fixated with that. And so we've been in that. We've been doing good. And then my husband's still on this train of I want to ultimately just farm, like to do cattle and then to do grain too. My husband works full time. I work part-time now we have two kids um it's just come to the realization that in the next couple years our land's going to probably go up for sale um so with that being said we

have to buy ground plus buy equipment try to do all this at one time. All right. All right. So here's a couple of things. Number one, I want you to check out Carbon Cowboys. Okay? Okay. They have a documentary out, but they also have an Instagram page.

And I love the work they're doing with regenerative farming it's pretty miraculous what they're doing um and so all i have to say is it's a way of older farming without all the fertilizers not all the tractors etc etc with cattle and it's pretty remarkable the what they're seeing the yield they're seeing and overall profit increase okay but that's a side obsession of mine that has nothing to do with this show at all. And I can get way out over my skis real fast with like talking about things. I don't know anything about, but I've been blown away by those guys.

So check that out. The second thing is this more pertinent to your question. Dreams have to be attached to values. Otherwise your dreams will kill you. What do I mean by that? I want to be attached to values. Otherwise, your dreams will kill you. What do I mean by that? I want to be in the movies. I want to be in the movies. I want to be in the movies.

It's a dream of mine to be in the movies. You go out to Hollywood, and this is 25 years ago, but just go with me on it. You go out to Hollywood. I want to be in the movies. I want to be in the movies. I'm a waiter, and I go to auditions all day, and then I finally get a manager who's like, yeah, but you got to take these photos. And you're like, ooh, I don't feel good about those photos.

But I want to do this, but I'm going to do this, but I'm going to do this. All of a sudden, you see where this heads. You end up with a tiny little role in a movie that you're embarrassed to tell your mom you're in. But you got in the movies, and so then the next one's like, well, you can't say no. Now you finally get some momentum. And then suddenly you end up in a place where you never

want it to be because that dream was not attached to any values. I have a dream of being a millionaire. I want to be a millionaire. I want to be a millionaire. I want to be a millionaire. And there's not that, that dream is not rooted to any sort of plan or any sort of values, you will find yourself slowly cutting corners. You'll find yourself slowly kind of doing things like, let's just do that one. Let's try this deal. Let's take this bet. Let's go ahead and that warehouse is too big. We can't really afford it, but let's just go ahead and we'll, okay. Can you extend the mortgage out a little bit more? Okay. Let's do it. And so the work in your home,

I want a husband who's dreaming and always thinking about something cool, something that brings the family lineage back, that brings him joy, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. He wants to redeem the family name, all that's fine and good, but it has to be attached to reality, to a set of values. As for me and my house,

we don't borrow money. So a perfect example is at my house, I'm on six, almost seven acres, 85 acres went up for sale of raw land behind me. I can guarantee you I was the first person on the phone to make that call. And they wanted such an insane price for it. I called, I called my buddy Dave Ramsey and was like, Hey, is this it? And he's like, that's too high.

Like it's not, it's the investment is too high. And somebody ended up buying it for less than that, but they wrote a check for it. I didn't have the money. I was heartbroken, dude. I wanted this to be generational land for my family. Didn't work out. So now I'm onto the

next. See what I'm saying? But my dream of owning a place for family to always come, to always be able to hunt and visit and fish, it's not going to be on this piece of land because it was attached to a value that the Delonious don't borrow money you see what i'm seeing here no i i do that's where we have a hardship that is you might as y'all settle on your values frugality might not be one of your core values anymore, but being safe might be. So we have to decide what does safe mean? Because I can be overly frugal to where my banker buddy is like, what are you doing?

Buy that. I'm like, yeah, you know, but meteorites may come in seven years. And he's like, good, dude, get your wife a car. And so it's about owning those values. So if you and your husband sat down and y'all went out and said, okay, there's a chance in two or three years, this land comes up for sale. Before this does, we want to put down in concrete who we are. I'll say your last name is the Smiths. Who are the Smiths? We are a family who fill in the blank. What would a couple of those things be?

Oh gosh, you're putting me on the spot. We are, oh my gosh, sorry. Make them up, make them up. Make them up what you'd want them to be. What I would want us to be is that we are true genuine people we be more specific that's too esoteric I don't know

I guess I am here's a couple of the Deloney ones that we have on our board the Deloney's say yes to adventures okay the Deloney's everybody's welcome at our table everybody we have had Yeah. The Delonys say yes to adventures. Okay. The Delonys, everybody's welcome at our table. Everybody.

We have had some incredible people at our house. Our kids are going to have some great stories. Like, whoa, awesome. The Delonys treat each other and others with dignity and respect. And on and on. The Delonious take care of our neighbors right those are things that like that's just into who we are right so our kids don't have to wonder if somebody comes over and says hey can i borrow some eggs the answer will always be yes even if we only have three left because that's one of our core values our core value is not the delonious will always

have extra eggs in the fridge we'll always take care of us first and then maybe we'll help the neighbors with what's left over. That's not one of our core values. Our core value is we'll always help the neighbors. So my kids just know that. See what I'm saying? And so you don't have to answer that because I put you on the spot here, but I want you and your husband to sit down and say, hey, who are we going to be? And then anchored to that set of values, we can then dream about, I want to have a truck and a race car and a Tesla tractor. There's no such thing as that. But, you know, like whatever you want to dream about, dream all day long. That's amazing.

But what I don't want you to, your husband's got an experience where he was given a farm way over his head in debt and they took it from him. And in his mind, he's going to get that land back and he's going to borrow money to get enough fertilizer and enough tractors and enough stuff to get going again.

And without meaning to, because his dream is not attached to a set of values other than I will farm. He's going to find himself in the exact same position, except this time it's his neck on the line, not the family's. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. You're, I mean, you're right. And it, it just makes me worried because I don't want to have resentment over it. That's right. So the conversation begins with honey. I want to support your dream to farm as much as possible.

I want to support you. And here's where I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe with you going to borrow $450,000 and put our family name on it. I don't feel safe with you quitting your day job and this not making any money and us relying on subsidies to eat. I don't feel safe with X, Y, and Z. So I want to create a set of values that says, no matter what, even if we have to pass on this land deal and buy some different land another time, this is who we are. And also it would help if you said, and also I'm too frugal. I know that, but I do it as a sense to try to keep the teeter-totter from going on. It'll be one side.

So I over-correct on the other side. I want us to stop over-correcting on either side. I want to support your dreams to the end of time. And also I want you to create a home where I feel safe and our kids feel safe. It starts not with a bunch of actions and wild activity. It starts with a plan. It starts with a set of values. Here's who we are. Now let's go make a plan. And now if we can get that land, we can get that land. And if we can't this time, that'll suck.

And we'll be heartbroken and we'll grieve it. And we're going to go find some different land next time. And on and on. He's lucky to have you, Nicole. Have the conversation about values. It's a tough one. And it may have you, Nicole. Have the conversation about values. It's a tough one, and it may take you several times, several different kinds of conversations. But let's have that conversation about what you want,

what you need, what he wants, what he needs. And then we'll go from there. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around.

But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize

your prayer experience with Hallow, and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice.

And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, hallow right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months. When you go to hallow.com slash Deloney, It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to Ann in Helena, Montana.

Hey, Ann, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call. Of course. What's happening? So my husband has a problem with overspending. Is this my wife? No.

I feel like this is the cosmos making this call. All right, go ahead. Well, I'm to the point where I'm thinking about taking him off of our joint account. Oh, so he overspins, overspins. He overspins, overspins and pulls money from different pools that we have money set aside from. And I just think that it's getting to the point that he can't put those funds back in. And I'm just looking for some other ideas potentially to handle this rather than taking him off because I just feel like it seems a little extreme to cut him off those accounts,

especially because I want us to have joint financials. I want us to work together on it, and I feel by me removing him from everything, it seems really controlling, like, and a little over the top. And I've made the comment to him before that, like, if he doesn't stop, that that could happen, but I don't. But making a statement like something could happen and actually doing it are two different things. Do we have any other ideas?

Yeah, I... Tell me I'm wrong, okay? I would love to be wrong about what I'm about to say, okay? There's a particular cadence in the way you talk where you start talking and your body starts to feel and acknowledge the reality of what you're saying because you know it to be true it's your lived experience it's the world you inhabit and then really quickly without even thinking about it because you've been gaslit for so long

it's all gonna be okay and then it's you know going to be fine. And then as we talk about it, it's like, this guy is going to bankrupt our family and I'm scared to death. But you know what? I don't want to be too controlled. See what I'm saying? Yes. Now I do.

I want you to take all the, you have been really kind for probably your whole life. You have been a fixer and a, no, no, no, no, it's going to be okay. It'll be okay. It'll be okay. It'll be okay. For a long time.

And I'm reading a lot into a cadence, but it's a very particular cadence that I don't hear very often. Tell me I'm crazy. No, I fix things for everybody. Okay. You always have. I do. I want you to sit in how uncomfortable

the truth of this is. Tell me how bad it is. Don't defend him. Don't protect him. Tell me how scared you actually are. That one day he's just gonna wipe out all of our money and we're not gonna have any funds and we're not gonna be able to pay for

anything. Alright. Is that an anxious response or give me some data to back that up. How does he spend money? What does he buy? Well, he has a separate account that's completely separate from our other accounts that we put funds into every month

and I've always said that that's his account. He can do whatever he wants with it. Why does he have his own separate special account that's just for him and not for the family? Because he doesn't want me knowing what he spends his money on. Yeah, that's bull crap. That's what, that tells you all you need to know about the state of your marriage, Anne. And you know that.

You know that. Why would he, what does he have to keep from you? I don't know. Maybe he just doesn't want me to know how much he's spending on certain stuff. Like what? Like, I don't know. Maybe I will think because I don't really drink and he likes to drink. And I think that maybe he'll think he's spending too much money there.

And I'll tell him he needs to stop it. That he can't do some of the things that he wants to do. Do you hear what you're saying? I'm saying those things anyway, that he can't do them because he can't afford them anyway. I know, but he's stealing from his family to fund his alcohol. He's stealing from his family to fund his little boy trips. Yeah. I know without a shadow of a doubt.

That if I buy a piece of guitar equipment. My wife cannot in the depths of her soul understand it. Can't. Cannot wrap her head around it. And yet. She trusts me. We talk about our money. I'm not just buying things in a vacuum, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

You see what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. What does your husband say when you've had this conversation with him before? His thing is, like, this is how we've been doing this for a long time and that it shouldn't be a problem. And I keep reminding him that it is a problem because he keeps overspending. And we've done some other things.

He's had some other issues in the past. Like what? He's got some credit cards and I cleaned all those up. And so then I put this. When I did this, this felt like it was a little much. So his credit is frozen, but he doesn't have a code to unfreeze it. Only I do. No, here's why it's not too much.

Because you are his mother and he is your child. He has been for a long time. And so you have to create very maternal boundaries because he acts like a little boy period and you know you know this ann i know i know that it's like i i know that i especially like when it comes to finance it feels like i'm parenting him along the way you are you are yeah so in my world i call this financial infidelity and i'll tell you number one i have zero trust to a guy that looks at his wife and says i'm gonna have a separate account because i don't want you knowing what i'm spending it on now i've got friends and their spouses have

separate accounts they trust each other but it's not like a you can't see in that account like everybody knows everything it's just a matter of that's how they choose to run their house. And I give them a hard time about it. Cause I think that's stupid. And then the data backs me up on that too, by the way, but that some people just choose to do it that way. And that's fine. They think I'm stupid for sharing an account with my wife. I fine. We can argue about that over dinner. But if somebody says, Hey, I'm going to have this separate life that you can never see, my first question is, what are you hiding from the mother of your children? What are you hiding from the woman who said, I do? You said, I do too.

And I will defend and protect you for the rest of your life till death do us part. I will love and honor you. What yours is yours and what's mine is ours. And I'm in and honor you. What yours is yours and what's mine is ours. And I'm in. Very interesting. It's not very interesting. So I should be having a conversation with him and be more about like, why do you have to have this separate account?

And what are you like? We really need to talk about what you're spending your money on. No, because here's why I know there's something else. What else is there? This kind of behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum. Well, we've talked about this before, too, because his thing is, it's not a big deal. He always says it's not a big deal.

When he racked up the credit card debt, his first. So we grew up in very different situations. His parents had a lot more money than my parents ever did. And so when it came time to settle, when I found out about the credit card and said we were going to work through it, he was more like, I'll just call my mom and she'll give us the money. Oh my gosh.

And yes, we have a big problem with that. It's a constant thing where like we get in, like he gets into a pinch and his mom will just write him a check and cover it. And I've talked to her about this too, about not telling him yes all the time that he needs to be able to save up for the things that he wants, but he needs to be able to, to say no to himself a little bit. But she just can't seem to say no to him either.

Nobody's ever said no to him in his life. And that means he doesn't have a psychology for the word no. You might as well just be standing next to him bashing a cymbal with a stick. He has no, I mean, your words don't make sense to him. They don't compute in his head neurologically because he's never had to face the consequence. That's very true. And so in this moment, I have a rule. I only speak if I think somebody can hear me. And he can't hear you. You've tried.

Or he can hear you and he's looked at you and said, I really don't care what you say. I don't care what you think. I don't care what you think makes you safe. I don't care what you think is a big deal. I don't care what you think would bring us closer together as a couple. I'm going to do whatever I want to do. You don't get to know what it is, and my mommy will bail me out.

Or I'll just steal it from our joint account from you and the kids. That's the reality. Yeah. And so, if you were my sister, if you were my close friends who are married women, I would tell you it's time for you to get your own checking account that is just yours. Do you make the majority of the money in the house or does he? I do. Go figure, right?

I get surprised. The adult in there, the single parent, which you are. And when he decides to stop hiding separate accounts and have a joint account and to then sit down every week and go over a budget together and co-create a life together like adults, then we'll talk. But until then, you're not going to continue to fund this imaginary misbehavior because he's drinking himself to death or he's seeing a bunch of other people, a bunch of other women on the side,

but you don't know. Or he's day trading or digging hole after hole. Who knows? Sports betting. Who knows what he's doing? You know why? Because he's created a secret life

that you can't see. And that's not how marriage works. Okay. I'm trying to empower you, not beat you down. I want you to stand tall. No, no, no. Well, and like I've tried, I've tried to get him to go to counseling in the past.

Listen, he has never experienced a consequence. I know. So you try to get him to go to counseling. He knows if he doesn't go, nothing changes. Okay. I've tried to get him to do this. He knows I don't even need a credit score. I'll just call my mom.

Right? Like none of these normal things matter to him. Yeah. Most importantly, your heart doesn't matter. And until he has to experience, as my friend Henry Cloud says, until he gets some problems in his life, he'll never change. And I won't blame him. I wouldn't change. I mean, why would you change if you were never taught character and integrity

and consequences it would sound like someone's just yelling at you in a foreign language and you who've grown up making sure everybody's okay your whole life just fell right into this and I want more for you in this life. So what do I do? I'm here. I think you get very clear. Are you talking to somebody, a professional? I was for a little while because I was dealing with a lot of anxiety. Yeah, of course,

because your body knows you're not safe. Yeah, it's been trying to get your attention for a long time, hasn't it? Yeah, it's been a couple years. Yes. If you have a close, trusted friend, that would be great, that you can be completely 100% honest and not try to protect everybody and defend everybody, and you

end up as the bad guy in this deal, because I don't think you are. If you don't have that person, I understand. You don't feel safe with somebody, I understand. But you've got to get with somebody and have the conversation. And what you have to decide is here's going to be my boundaries when it comes to the money coming in. Because I have somebody over here who's bankrupting our family, doing God knows what. Well, I've talked to my sister. My sister and I are really close.

But like, they're, unfortunately, they're not always the most helpful. Of course they're not. My sister just tells me that he needs to leave. And it may be time that you listen to your sister. There's so many other great things about him. I know. I know. I know.

It's both and. And I hear this from, especially from women who are, are physically abused. It's only when he gets angry all the other times. He's hilarious and he's amazing. He's a good provider and all that. It's just when he gets mad or just when he drinks.

And then I have to go to the hospital. And that's why if you're safe, are you safe now? Yeah. Okay. Like I'm never, you've never made me feel unsafe.

Okay. So I think it's worth a conversation. I can't live like this anymore. Where we both have a mother and it's your mother and where you are disinterested in us being together so here is what i need are you in and i'm going to ask you to don't say it's a big deal because it might not be to you but it's a big deal to me okay and i want to close

all the accounts and you can see on his credit report where his accounts i want to close all the accounts and you can see on his credit report where his accounts i want to close all the accounts i don't have one account i don't have one budget and we're not going to have secret spending and secret accounts we're going to discuss what we buy thing what we're spending money on and yes if my husband's drinking too much i'm going to say i'm worried about your health that's That's what friends do for each other. That's what loved ones do for one another. And if you're seeing somebody else with your secret money, that's going to come out. And if you're caught in addictions of some sort and with this other secret account, then it's going to come out. But all of this begins with you and

believing that you're worth something more than this, that your body has been trying to get your attention for years. We're not okay. We're not safe. We're not safe. We're not safe. We're not safe. We're not safe. And you're thinking, yeah, I know, I know, but he's so nice. He is funny. Your body's saying, okay, we get it, but not safe. And I'll tell you this, conflict deferred is conflict amplified. The longer you go without saying something, the crazier this thing gets. It won't just go away.

My hope is that you'll sit with somebody, map out, here's what I need and here's what I want inside my own house. And then terrifyingly, vulnerably, you sit across the table from your husband and you say,

this is what I have to have. Are you in? He might look at you and say, nope. Going back to my mommy's house. And that will tell you all you need to know about the status of your marriage. Hopefully he looks at you and goes, I don't even know how to get there, but I'm in. Because I love you. I love our kids. I love our kids.

I love our life. I'm in. That's my hope and prayer for you, man. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. That's my gift. Read that book start to finish, and it will give you a roadmap that you can possibly use with him. And y'all can build a whole different kind of marriage.

What are you thinking about, Jan? We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. I am just super excited to announce I'm hitting the road with my buddy Dave Ramsey this spring on a brand new tour, just us two. And we're putting a new twist on this thing. We're going to talk about money. We're going to talk about relationships, and we're going to tell stories y'all have never heard before. It's going to be an incredible, fun night. But every night is going to be totally different because you, the audience, are going to help choose what we talk about. You heard that right.

It's going to be like no event you've ever been to. We're kicking it off in Louisville on April 21st, 2025. And then we're going to Durham, Atlanta, Phoenix, Fort Worth, and then Kansas City. You're going to laugh. You're going to learn. And if we do our jobs right, you're going to change your life.

Get your tickets for the Money in Relationships Tour today at ramsaysolutions.com slash tour. All right, we're back as we wrap up the show. We have a cool thing that happened. What is it, Kelly? Yes. All right, this is back as we wrap up the show. We have a cool thing that happened. What is it, Kelly? Yes, all right. This is from Brittany in Virginia. So I was stood up on a first date and a random stranger and his son

left the restaurant after they finished eating, then came right back in because they felt that something didn't sit right. The dad wanted to ensure that I was safe. It turned into a long fatherly conversation about how to date. He even walked me to my car to show me what a gentleman should do. Hopefully this encourages more folks to strike up,

strike up conversations with strangers. I know I will be doing it more in the future. Also wanted to add that this awesome guy was a disabled vet. So he's already the best of the best. Okay. So I'm imagining myself, me and Hank are out eating. Or last night. Last night, Josephine and I went on a date. And we went to the Loveless Cafe. We ordered obnoxious food. I surprised her with a yes day.

And it was a blast. And we both are pre-diabetic now, but it was a fun night. And so I show up there with her and i look across the table and see a woman who is dressed up looking around checking her watch checking her phone 15 years ago no question about i would have said something now i feel nervous about that interaction help me on that interaction ke. Why do you feel nervous about it? I don't want to come across as creepy or as like getting in somebody's business. And I'm a guy that gets in everybody's business. And I understand that.

And that's true. And it may be that she says, I'm fine, thank you. I don't need your help. Yeah. Great. But I think that- If this vet says, hey, are you okay?

And she said, well, I just got stood up on a date. Yeah. And then he says, can I sit down? And she goes, yeah. And now we can have a conversation. Right. I mean, you have to ask for permission to play. Okay, yeah.

But I would think about not only did he help her, but man, the lesson he taught his son. Oh, heck yeah. Keep your eyes open, man. Head on a swivel. Take care of people. And that, and just, this is how you treat a lady. Yeah, that's awesome.

This is what you do. And it was just such a lesson for the son, in addition to helping this wonderful woman out and making sure she was safe. And hopefully she walks out thinking, about two inches taller, thinking, I'm worth that. Right.

I don't want to date this guy. I don't want to go out with this guy anyway. Yeah. Good call. Good on you, good man. I'm going to call you Joe. Good on you, Joe.. I'm going to call you Joe. Good on you, Joe. Thank you for your service.

Thank you for taking care of people. And thank you for continuing to serve your neighbors. And especially thank you for teaching your son. This is what caring for somebody looks like. Good on you, man. Good on you. Thanks for writing in, Brittany. Everybody else, stay in school.

Love you. Bye.