The Dr. John Delony Show - Married & Wondering What It Would Be Like to Be With Someone Else

Episode Date: September 10, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode What it means to choose guilt over resentment My girlfriend's dad won’t give me his blessing to marry her. How do we move forward from here? We're headed toward divorce after years of counseling. Email: My sister just experienced a bitter divorce, and she has asked me to help her with a symbolic funeral as part of her healing. While I understand the why, I don’t understand the how. What sort of things should we do or say? Lyrics of the Day: "Long Road (To Nowhere)" - Eric Peters   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: marriage, disagreement/conflict, divorce, substance abuse, infidelity, bipolar disorder, abuse, grief   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we have a hard, dark episode, so watch out for the little ears in the room. We talk about psychosis. We talk about leaving a marriage after just a few years in. And we talk with a young mom of two little kids who's slowly losing herself, and she wants to get her old self back. Stay tuned. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you're with us. I hope you're doing well, your family's well. It has been a chaotic cha-cha blizzard the last month in this country. And man, with overseas stuff, with the weather, with fires, with flooding, it's been a mess.

So I hope you're well, I hope you're settled in your spirit. I hope you're doing what you can in your local community to have peace, to make sure that you and your loved ones and those that you have influence over are. I hope you're turning off all the electronics and the doom scrolling and the new news and the new news and the new clicks and the new bright lights and, and, and, and, and. And I hope you're talking to real people. Hope you're talking to real people. If you're really concerned and all of us should be about what's going on in Afghanistan, call a veteran, talk to somebody, like talk to a real person, make eye contact with somebody. If you're worried about what's going on in Haiti, as we all should be, call somebody you know who's got some connections there. Talk to real people. And don't just live in this clickbait ecosystem that we're in, right?

If you call somebody who's experiencing the fires, call somebody who's experiencing this crazy rain on the East Coast, the hurricane, whatever. Call real people, okay? Call real people. It just changes how we interpret and internalize and feel tough news, right? So whatever's going on in your world, and that doesn't even, man, COVID's just bananas. People are sick. Schools are back in session. So everybody's dealing with so, so much. Make sure you're connecting to real people.

And I started a thing the other day, and I just thought I'd pass it along. I got it from, I was trying to, what's the name of the book? It's called Ruthless Elimination of Hurry. And it's a book by John Mark Comer. And I think it's from an old Dallas Willard quote, uh, the Ruthless Elimination of Hurry. But man, this is a practice that I've kind of rolled my eyes and I thought I'll give it a shot. And it's been really hard because I drive like an idiot. I drive too fast. I just do. And I don't pay attention very much. I'm always in a hurry to get from one place to the next.

And so one of the things that Comer suggests is just drive the speed limit, maybe one mile an hour under it. I've got to roll my eyes. It has been really hard for me to drive the speed limit. Here's why. Because I'm usually late. I'm usually racing out of my house five minutes after I should have left,

or 10, or 15, which means I got to drive like crazy to get where it is I'm going. And that means I arrive all frazzled, whether I think I'm cool and collected or not, I'm all frazzled. And I get there, everything's kind of pulsing, and I come into the next meeting

or the recording or whatever, and I'm hot, I's kind of pulsing, and I come into the next meeting or the recording or whatever. I'm hot. I'm just like electrified. And all of a sudden, I started driving the speed limit just as a practice. And that meant I had to leave earlier, which meant I had to get up a couple minutes earlier, which meant I had to go to bed a few minutes earlier, right? This is starting to impact a lot. It means I'm walking into the building, not frantic, and I'm coming into my first meetings a little bit chill. I've had people ask me, hey, are you okay? And I'm doing great. Just my heart rate is, it's normal, you know, 55 or 60 beats a minute, not 130 because my brain was at ludicrous speed, right? So that's my challenge.

I want you just to take a week, two weeks, just drive the speed limit wherever it is you go. Set cruise if you have to. I have to. I got to. I just get to daydreaming. Set the cruise control and try driving the speed limit and just get in places with a little bit less, a little bit less frantic.

And just let that peace ripple throughout your day. It's been pretty remarkable in my life. I don't know. I don't know. It's been pretty amazing. So there you go. All right, let's go to Rachel in Nashville, Tennessee. Rachel, what are you doing?

How's it going? It's going great, John. Thank you for having me here. Thank you for calling. So what in the world? You're in my neighborhood, so I'm going to be extra nice, right? So what's going on? Don't be.

I'm from California. Oh, it's on now. Actually, you're helping all of our real estate prices, so I'm glad you're here too. So what's up? How can I help? So I've been struggling all my life with anger and violent thoughts and I've let my husband to become from a kind and patient person to kind of short and stressed out all the time. Okay. So you've been wrestling with violent and angry thoughts for most of your life.

Yes. Tell me about these violent thoughts. It's usually out of like morbid curiosity of, you know, what would happen if I, you know, shot everybody or killed some people with a knife I'm holding. And, uh, even walking into your room, it's like, how, you know, how many people could you get away with killing before people notice you're doing it or it to solve problems? My first thoughts turn to, I could just punch somebody and it can totally end the conversation right now. Okay. And then what is, what has the, what does the anger feel like? Where does that come from? I, I get, I'm going to just assume it's just from my mom was a very tense person.

Okay. She wasn't when I was younger, you know, so much, but she was very quick to anger. And it got worse over the years as I grew up. Okay. And that just led to me seeing anger solve the problems because nobody really wanted to, you know, argue with her. Okay. So they would just let things go. Deal with the relationship stuff. Okay. And so now you. So they would just let things go. Deal with the relationship stuff.

Okay. And so now you're married. What else have you struggled with? Have you struggled with, um, anxiety before? Have you struggled to deal with any sort of past abuse? Do you deal with hallucinations?

Like what else are you, are you working with here? I do deal with a lot of hallucinations that's happened. I can remember past when I was five years a lot of hallucinations that's happened. I can remember past when I was five years old, I've been dealing with them. Okay. I have had insomnia for a long time, but I never knew it was. My mom assumed I was sleepwalking, but in reality, I was actually, you know, I would get up in the middle of night when people weren't awake and I would wait till they were all asleep. And then I would sneak out and go crawl around the house and play with the cats or actually sneak outside and go wander around the neighborhood and quietly come back in.

My mom doesn't even know I would sneak out. Okay. When's the last time you had hallucinations? Yesterday, last night. Tell me about it. It starts out with voices i think i hear somebody whispering to me and i can't clearly hear what they're saying now now i just ignore it to the point where i don't even care what they're saying and then it turns into um i thought i saw somebody walk into my room or there's somebody outside hanging out my window. I just learned to ignore it. But if my husband's not home, I freak out and will not sleep because

it gets worse because he keeps me grounded. If I get too worked up at night where it's getting really bad and all I can hear is just screaming and, you know, voices in my head. I can cling to him and know, okay, he's real. Everything's real. Gotcha. We're fine. So when you're in a relationship, you understand there's a gap between what you're experiencing and what's truly there. And when you find yourself by yourself, as we all do, right, those fears, whether they're thoughts or, no, I can actually hear that, or I can actually, I just saw that shadow, I just saw that trailer.

My heart is racing as though somebody is looking out the window, right? Your body starts to react for you, right? That gap between what I'm feeling in reality disappears. And your body says, we're not safe right we got to respond yeah okay have you been medicated for this before have you gone to see somebody no not at all um before my you know the you know uh i did have seizures in the past and the they were small uh petite mal seizures and the whole, I would see things people wouldn't, wouldn't hear about was just left to, Hey, you're little and you have an

active imagination. Right. I just learned to keep it quiet because at the time my parents, my mom wouldn't deal with mental issues very well. Sure. So what I want to do here, um, well, let me do this before I start just pipe in here. How can I help? Are you calling about this? Like what to do next? Or tell me what's your question? My question is, is there a way I can

cope first and first with my anger? Because my anger just blows up and my kids are getting afraid of me because I will just start screaming at them. And then I catch myself and it's like, calm down, calm down. They didn't do anything. And I'm trying to figure out what can I do where it doesn't happen anymore because I just, I black out. Yeah.

So number one, what a great mom who's thinking, I need to stop this. I don't like where this is headed. So good for you. Okay. That tells me you've got some, at least one foot on the ground in reality. Right. And you have a picture of what you want to be. And you also don't have the tools to get there right now.

So good for you for just stopping and saying, I need to get some help. Okay. Um, when I've, the best way I can describe this, tell me if this, if this hits home, there become moments that you are trying to hold your thoughts and what you're seeing and or experiencing right without smelling hearing and the thoughts and the actions that you know you're supposed to be doing it feels kind of like you're trying to hold soup in your hands and most of it keeps running out but you're trying to keep it together but it just jumbles all together and you are holding some pieces, but it just is, does that make sense? It just starts to slip away. Yeah,

it really does. I often feel like I'm on a razor's edge between reality and insanity. And I know that if I slipped down in insanity, I'm not going to easily get back out. Get back. That's right. That's right. So,

um, I got some good news for you and some challenging news. Okay. The good news is there is healing here. I think, okay. Given your child, this has been going on for a long, long time. Given that you've got a history of seizures, given that you've got a history of what I'm going to guess is a pretty challenging childhood. Nothing you're telling me is surprising. Okay. Nothing you're telling me is freaking me out. I will tell you that the way you have been able to articulate what's going on in your mind and in your heart, you need professional psychiatric care today. Okay. And so the violent imagery, the, I wonder what if, on top of anger that can lead to blackout and there's young kids in the

picture. And sometimes I can stay tethered and sometimes I can't, and the hallucinations, plus your history of epilepsy. It's time to go sit down with a psychiatrist and say, here's what I'm experiencing. And the challenge is that what you're experiencing is a very real brain issue. Similar to you were lifting weights and you, your elbow broke, or you were playing soccer in the front yard and you broke your ankle. Nobody would look at you and say, Hey, you have a moral issue. You got bad character. If you go to

a doctor, no, they would say, Hey, you got to go sit down and see somebody and let them know what's truly going on. And the, the pharmaceutical interventions on these things are so remarkable here in the 21st century. And it's time for you to go do that work, okay? And I know that it's scary to say out loud with somebody because you think they're going to take your kids away. Or you think that they're going to take your control of a situation away. And what I'm telling you is, depending on the nuances of your situation, I'm not hearing that now. But I am hearing that you've got to get help. Here's what anger is.

Anger points us towards something that we care about. Anger is our body's way of saying, this is really important to me and it's not the way it's supposed to be. And your body's going to continue to respond in that way because it is trying to make sense of reality and non-reality all at the same time. Okay. And the more that there's that divide, and as your kids grow up, they're going to do things that you don't want to do. That's just parenting, right? And your husband's going to have these experiences, and the world around you is going to have these experiences. It's going to be stimulating and overwhelming. You got to go get the help that you need.

And so here's what I'm asking from you, Rachel. Would you commit on behalf of you, on behalf of those little ones, of a husband? Sounds like he loves you, right? Will you go call somebody today and say, I need to come in and just tell you what's been going on in my whole life? Will you commit to that? Yes. You're worth that. And you live here in my community.

You're worth that. Does that scare you? Does that make you nervous? Is that a relief? I don't know. I guess I'm unsure of finding the right person to work with me. Sure. I have trouble talking to a lot of people.

Usually it wears me out, and I just want to go home and be just with my family or in my own little place that's exactly right and so it's going to be a risk and it's going to be scary and what I want you to know is you're worth a life

without that dark imagery and you're worth being able without that dark imagery and you're worth being able to be in your own home and that be a place of peace not a place of terror and you're worth not having blackout anger fits and you're worth having kids

who aren't scared of their mom because deep down you're a good person and you love your family I try to be a good person and you love your family. I try to be a good person and I do love my family. I know you do. I know you do. I know you do. The person I want you to start loving that much is you.

It's Rachel. And that starts with the first time in your life, the first time in your life, going to see somebody and saying, hey, I need to get help. I need the voices to stop. And what I'm telling you is you live in a great city with some great resources. Whether you start with your employee handbook,

whether you pick up a phone book and call Vanderbilt Psychiatric, whether you call a local counselor and say I need some help and I know this is going to be bigger than just something a local counselor can help me with but I need to go get some help but you need to do that today you can do that today

thank you so much for your vulnerability Rachel I know this call is hard thanks for being willing to tell the truth and be open You can do that today. Thank you so much for your vulnerability, Rachel. I know this call is hard. Thanks for being willing to tell the truth and be open. And now I'm looking forward to seeing what the next chapter in Rachel's life, what healing is going to look like for your brain. I know you're exhausted. What's it going to look like in your family?

What's it going to look like with your kids, with your husband, all of it? And that starts with you calling a psychiatrist and saying, I need some help. Thank you so much for your vulnerability, Rachel. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it.

I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work, we do this in social setting, we do this around our families,

we even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself

and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost.

Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com. All right, we are back. Let's go to Bill in Atlanta, Georgia. Hey, Bill, what's up, brother? Hey, Dr. D. It's an honor to be speaking with you. It's an honor to talk to you, my man.

How can I help today? So I guess the question I have today is, you know, I'm feeling dissatisfied in my marriage. I want to see if it's worth continuing or not. Okay. Tell me about it. So my wife and I started dating when we were both 15 years old. You know, so we've been together for 10 years now. Two of those, we were married and we still very much love each other.

We're best friends and we don't have any kids together. So life is going pretty good for the most part. But just recently, I've been feeling a lot more dissatisfied with, you know, me never having dated anyone else or truly live the single life. Um, the single life, baby. Ooh, you missed it, Bill. You missed the single life. I did. I did. So what, what is, um, tell me what this, what do you think you missed or even better, even better? Cause it's not over yet. What are you think you missed? Or even better, even better, because it's not over yet.

What are you missing right now? Not having made a connection with anyone except for this one person. So what does that mean? You wish you'd had sex with more people? No, not that. You wish you'd gotten to laugh and hang out and go see how somebody else danced? I mean, what is the thing? Help me articulate it.

Just what you said now. It's seeing other personalities and seeing what works for me. Enjoying doing new things with someone and seeing if they're the right fit for me. And going through a trial period where you date and you see if they're good and things like that. It's not so much really a sexual thing at all. It's just more of, did I find the right person for me? And so you've got somebody that you've been with for 10 years now, married two of those years,

and y'all are best friends and things are going great. And, but there's that nagging feeling that it could all be better than this. Correct. And so when somebody, A, let me tell you this, you're not crazy. Okay. What you're feeling is totally, totally normal. You're not nuts. You've been married been married what two years now correct okay yeah you're not crazy you're 25 correct okay i don't know many if anyone who hasn't wondered did i do the right thing? Especially somebody who's dated somebody since high school. What would have been like to kiss somebody else? What would have been like to get

to know somebody else's family? And the goal you just described, you just laid out a perfect path of what that would be like. Like that anticipation and that your heart's beating and you're putting on cologne for the first time. All the things, right? You clean your car out before, all that nervous energy that you get before a date. Some people hate that and they love getting married because that's finally over.

Some people miss that. I personally miss that, okay? I loved the apprehension of, is this going to go well? Is it not going to go well? Do I hold somebody's hand and screw up and waste the whole movie trying to hold somebody's hand? Do I guess and see what kind of gift is going to be good? And no, it wasn't good. I miss all that. My wife hated that. Okay. So some

people are one with some of the other, but now you find yourself wondering what would it all be like? And I want to do it all over again so that you can just land right where you are with somebody who's your best friend 10 years later, someone that you're sexually compatible with, that you love, that things are good with. Does that make sense? Yeah. So when you're telling me it's not the relationship, it is, sounds like you're bored. I am.

And there is some parts to the relationship too. There we go. what are they so we're not the perfect couple of course everyone has their issues wow but these are big what are they be honest and you probably haven't told people this what are they

I admit I am ashamed of making this call I don't like admitting any of this I don't have admitting any of this. I don't have anyone to talk to. And here's what I'm telling you. You're helping a bunch of folks because there's a bunch of people who are in your same boat. Okay? And so you're being brave.

But you're not telling me the full truth. Okay. So our arguments lately, they've been getting worse, more energetic. By energetic, that's a very kind way of saying violent. I don't hit her, but she does know that she has an anger problem. So being

hit isn't... Me being hit isn't too much of a surprise. So things like that. That's a very cryptic way. Your wife is physically abusing you? Not that way. It's like... Is your wife hitting you?

Correct. That is physical abuse, my brother. It's not a knock on your masculinity and I'm tough, I can handle it. That's physical abuse. Okay? Sure. Call it what it is.

All right? Okay. And so your fights are getting explosive fight. Explosive fights are almost always a symptom, not the problem. What is the gap in your marriage? Um, there is, there's forms of resentment. Of course there are, um, me being dissatisfied, like I said earlier. And then since we've been married, um, well, while I was in college and we were dating, she was holding her own well, and she was paying all her bills and working odd jobs just to make sure that she's self-sustaining. And ever since we got married, it's things like her not having a sustainable job,

her not, I guess, she's trying to look for jobs, but she's not putting her foot forward to look for that as much as I would like. And so while we're paying off debt, I like the extra income. And since it's not happening, I'm feeling resentment towards that. And she's aware. Also, I'm realizing that our personalities don't match anymore since we got married. While we were dating and I was in college and high school, life was great because we got along. I mean, we practically grew up with each other dating. And so since we got married, everything kind of shifted in the opposite direction. And us, our personalities did. So I became more of a tightwad with money and she's more of a,

she's a very, very loose person when it comes to money. She's a free spirit and in the way that seems to me as debilitating, as long as money comes in and money comes out, life is good. Where, you know, I know i'm trying to live by david ramsay standards um so it bothers me in that direction um and then our personalities with regards to our sense of humor and our conversations that we have and um things like her spending a lot of time on the phone and me spending a lot of time on the phone. It's just been, it's been feeling like we're more friends than we are a married couple.

And now that we're adults now, we pay bills and we bought a house and we have dogs, which kind of counts as kids, although a lot of people are getting hate for that. Okay, can I ask you something? What's up? You've got your eye on somebody else. Who is it?

So that was where I was going next. I know it is. Who is it? It's a friend of a friend. A mother. And we kind of realized that our personalities mesh perfectly. She actually grew up 20 minutes-ish away from me. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Just stop. Because you created a fantasy now. I did. And you're going to make all of those puzzle pieces of that fantasy match. And I'm telling you right now, it's not real. Now, I'm not saying that your marriage

isn't in trouble. It is. But this will not be the solution to your marriage. Okay? I'm telling you. You gotta trust me on this. Okay? And it feels so right

because everything in your world feels like it's so wrong. And she's given you the butterflies. She's giving you the, oh, yeah, everything just meshes right now and works. I'm telling you, it doesn't. It's a fantasy. It's not real. Now, you could throw your marriage away and go date this woman

and decide I'm going to make this one work. That could happen but the odds of the exact same thing happening six months eight months ten months down the road are astronomical they're gonna happen so here's what's happened in your marriage y'all got married and you quit you quit wooing each other you quit leaning leaning into each other. You quit saying, hey, how can I make his life better? How can I make her life better? And when you got married, you started saying, now this is how this is going to be. And she said, no, this is how this is going to be. And then slowly you guys started watering the seeds of resentment. And it wouldn't surprise

me if she's got her eyes on somebody else or that she just completely parked it right and then it starts with sex is a little bit awkward it's not cool or invigorating or exciting because we've chosen for it to not be and then we quit trying on dates and then we just quit going on dates. Why don't we just watch a movie? We're here. Oh, and then there's COVID. We're stuck here, right?

And then you say things like our personalities don't match anymore. I call bull crap on that. Y'all are choosing to not be friends. Me and my wife, my wife thinks that Will Ferrell is the least funny person who's ever lived other than Chris Farley.

And I think the reverse of that. I think she has a mental disorder because she believes that. I think Chris Farley is one of the funniest people who's ever walked the earth followed only by Will Ferrell and Phil Hartman. Right? So the fact that we think different things are funny doesn't mean our personalities don't match and we should end a 10-year friendship. It means I'm choosing to be oppositional to her.

Right? We've stopped wooing. And what I'm telling you right now is you're leaning into a fantasy, brother. And she is too. Whether she's got somebody else that she's got her eye on or the fantasy that she's living in, which is I can just do whatever I want with no consequences. I can just spend money like crazy. I don't have to work. I don't have to do anything. That's a fantasy too. But what doesn't sound like anybody in your home has done is flip the lights on and said, we've got 10 years of being best friends of growing up together. Nobody knows us like each other does.

And honey, I'm starting to imagine my life not with you. And I don't want to do that. Terrified to lose you. But this is where my head's at. That's where my heart's at. And I feel us growing way, way apart and vice versa. Have you done that? Have you thrown the lights on, turned the music off, and said, what are we doing?

No. Why? She's worth that. You're worth that. Why? I wanted to avoid the conversation. I have a feeling I know where this is going to go. It's just going to lead to another big fight and I didn't want to go

through it. So tell her, I'm not fighting you. And if you physically assault me again, I'm want to go through it. So tell her, I'm not fighting you. And if you are physically, if you physically assault me again, I'm going to call the cops. It sounds like she's trying to manufacture emotion in that relationship. I'm not saying it's right. It's wrong. But trying to just throw Molotov cocktails of passion up against the wall to see if something sticks. Does that make sense?

Yeah. And brother, you are cashing out on a fantasy. It's not real. You know, where I was cashing out was with all the issues I laid out in the beginning and then talking to this other person,

it made me realize, you know, what would it be like, and you said this, what would it be like if I had dated and been with someone else, someone I feel more compatible with? You're saying it's not real, and I agree with you, and I believe you, but how do I know without the proof and the pudding? You know what I mean?

How do I know without the proof in the pudding? You know what I mean? How do you know? Have you ever taken gasoline and fertilizer and blown up a bomb in your living room just to see what would happen? No. No? Have you gone to see pictures of the federal building in Oklahoma?

No. Google it. And you'll see one of the federal building in Oklahoma? No. Google it. And you'll see one of the most incredible acts of domestic terrorism ever. When Timothy McVeigh blew up the federal building and killed a bunch of children and workers. Go visit that monument. You can know something isn't right

without experiencing it firsthand. In fact, it would be stupid to experience that firsthand. So, if you want to detonate a bomb in your living room, go right ahead. I'm telling you what the end result is going to be. So, how do I

know? You're asking the wrong question. The question so how do I know you're asking the wrong question the question is not how do I know if I'm not missing out on something of course you're missing out on something here's the thing, you would go out with this woman and y'all would have some great laughs and y'all would hold hands and you'd get all

your heart would beat and flutter and it would be all new and blah blah blah it would be awesome and and it would be all new and blah blah blah and it'd be all that stuff it would be awesome it would and then it would be the same stuff because you're not dealing with you and you're not dealing

this is how you deal with friendships that start to get messy you run and so what the worst part about this new relationship is that Bill would go with Bill. And Bill's the guy that just cashes out 10-year relationships. Meh, we just grew apart.

Meh. Right. How do I know? I don't know. You're asking the wrong question. The wrong question is, how do I save my best friend? How do I save my relationship with my best friend? How do I stop avoiding hard conversations? How do I have hard conversations that don't end in

physical violence? You look her in the eye and say say I'm not giving up on this and this is not okay and so I booked us an appointment a half day with a marriage therapist here in Atlanta and I'm all in on this because this is half of our life that's how you know if you go chasing good feelings,

brother, you're going to end up miserable and alone. Because there's always hard stuff to work through in a marriage. Always. Always. Always. Always. And what I'm going to tell you, dude, is you are worth not cashing this relationship out. And she's not. I'm not telling you that the marriage is going to be saved. I'm going to tell you, dude, is you are worth not cashing this relationship out.

And she's not. I'm not telling you that the marriage is going to be saved. I'm not. What I'm telling you is you're looking for the coward's way out. You're looking for a soft place to land because it's getting uncomfortable. And you're, you know what? You're more than uncomfortable. You're in an abusive relationship.

You are. Okay? You're in an abusive relationship. You are. Okay. You're an abusive relationship. And to everyone that I am, if the, if the tables were reversed, I'd be telling her to run. Okay. So I'm telling you, you got to flip the lights on. She can't be hitting you when y'all get in fights. It's not cool. No violence in the house, but running into the arms of somebody else as though that's going to solve this deal is not accurate. It's not true. It's not right. So get a marriage therapist.

Get somebody you trust, whether it's her friend, her sister, your friend, your sister, somebody that both of y'all trust. And you go home and say, I'm losing this marriage. And now all of a sudden, I'm starting to thinking about plans with somebody else

and I'm not going there, but I'm not losing you either. And now all of a sudden, I'm starting to thinking about plans with somebody else and I'm not going. But I'm not losing you either. All the lights come on. And you can tell her, if you hit me again, I'm calling the police. You're not gonna be violent in this house. And if you're yelling and screaming, Bill, stop it.

Be a grown up. Be mature. But don't give up this relationship, this friendship, this marriage, this love without a fight. Don't. Don't. Especially for someone whose personalities fit a little bit better. Don't. Don't.

You're worth more than this, and so is she. Call somebody today. We'll be right back on The Dr. John Lewis Show. Don't. You're worth more than this and so is she. Call somebody today, Bill. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point.

In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Erin in Louisville, Kentucky. What's up, Erin? Hey, how are you? Good.

I'm still trying to not say Louisville because that's how it's written. It's Louisville, Kentucky. Louisville. Louisville. I love how you said that. Like, you're an idiot. So I will accept that, Erin. Hey, so what's up?

How can I help? I am calling because I have a three-year-old and 11-month-old and I love them more than anything. But I feel like between being a mom and work and everything that needs to be done at home, that I'm losing myself and my joy just in motherhood. And I don't want to feel that way. And then in return, it makes me feel like I'm a bad mom. And I know I'm not a bad mom, but I've just, I don't know. But good moms don't feel like this, right?

Yeah. I'd hug you if you were here you have been a mom of two little ones in the middle of a pandemic what do you do for a living? what's your job? I'm a nurse oh jeez I feel like oh gosh

are you married? yeah what's your partner do I feel like... Oh, gosh. Are you married? Yeah, yeah. What's that... What's your partner do for a living? He does maintenance at a local factory. So he works a lot. Yeah.

So he works a lot of weekends. And I think that's kind of part of my feelings is he's a great dad and a great husband and he always tries to help me out as much as he can. Um, but you know, a lot of weekends he's working. And so I told him recently that I kind of feel like a single mom on the weekend. And by the time the weekend comes, he'll get home and ask if I'm okay. And then I'm just breaking down and I can't really say why, but I think it's just because I'm overwhelmed. Yeah. And I feel bad for being overwhelmed because I'm just in with my kids.

If you really love your babies, you would just love every little second with them, and you'd never get tired or overwhelmed, and you would realize what a joy and a privilege it is to change crappy diapers. What you're up to probably 20 a day between the two of them. Oh, and what a joy, right? All that stuff, right? Yeah. Between work and family, I kind of take care of people all day,

but at the end of the day, I don't really take care of myself. There you go. Lately, it has been getting to me where by the end of the week, I'll just be crying. I don't want to say for no reason, because obviously there's a reason, but, and that's not me. That's, that's not, um, I'm not normally like that. And it's, I can really tell that it's been getting to me over the last month or so. Well, I want to, um, number one, just honor you and say you have been in it. And I know you know this, but I want to validate that externally for you.

I can't think of a more challenging scenario other than being deployed in a combat zone. I'm being serious. Potentially firefighters who are on the coast right now. Then a mom of two new young ones who's also been a nurse navigating all of this in the middle of a pandemic. On top of

having a husband who's a good guy and a hard worker but who's gone every weekend trying to make ends meet. Your body is telling you, dude, we're at the breaking point right yes and you're a sweet little southern thing and this is how you're supposed to keep your house and your kids and this is how you're supposed to smile and your hair needs to be right yes and and you know when i was a teenager and in college, I, you couldn't even see like my bedroom floor. I could live in my mess and it didn't bother me. And I have become,

my husband was like, why are you so obsessive over our house now? He was like, you used to not be like this. And, and I'm, I'm not obsessive. Like I couldn't tell you the last time I dusted because I don't have time to do that. It's just the basics. Listen, listen. It's like the basic everyday thing. You have walked into a blender of chaos designed to keep professional mothers from putting both feet on the ground. There is an ecosystem that exists specifically designed

to tell mothers, this is the way you should be doing this. This is the way you should feel. This is the way this should look. This is the way your kids should be acting and looking. This is the size of their hair bows, depending on what region you're in. This is what a wife is supposed to be doing and looking like. And this is what a nurse is

supposed to be doing and looking like. And the whole system is designed to keep you never feeling like you're enough. Like you always are in need of one more thing, of one more minute, of one more ounce of energy, of one more glass of wine, of one more cup of coffee, of one more, if I could just get the perfect this or the perfect that, this whole machine is designed to keep you buying crap and to keep you off of being able

to sit down and go, right? On top of, you got two humans who can't feed themselves or bathe themselves or use the bathroom, right? Yeah.

On top of, your day job is poking and prodding and dealing with crazy egos above you and unrealistic expectations beneath you, right? Mm-hmm. And you can't win. And your body's starting to say, hey, Aaron, we're out.

We're out. And lucky for you, there's a group of people, I mean, the ecosystem here is going to blame you for that. Right? So can I tell you a couple of things that I have no business telling you because I've never been in your seat? Okay. I always feel weird answering these kind of questions

because the last thing you need is some guy telling you how you should be feeling. Right? That's the worst thing. Like, well, actually. But I will tell you I've sat with a number of women in the same situation. Right? And I do get wisdom from women who have been in the seat. Okay?

So, you ready? Yes. You have lost yourself. And the old you is not coming back you're different now and one of the great challenges is not trying to

quote unquote reclaim who you used to be the new challenge is building somebody incredible and what that looks like can be anything so what's happening now is you're comparing yourself to how much energy you used to have and what that looks like can be anything. So what's happening now is you're comparing yourself to how much energy you used to have

and how sexy your marriage used to be and what a great nurse you used to be. I never used to get frustrated at having to do this and now you're a new you because you added another human and then you added another human on top of that, right? And so things are different. And so instead of trying to drag the past back and get the, that the quote unquote old new you back, you got to let her go. Let her go. She was awesome. And she was doing

her thing in that time. And that time is over. Now I'm a nurse in the middle of a worldwide pandemic. I am the mother of two kids in the middle of a pandemic. I got a husband who's trying to do whatever and he's working like crazy in the middle of a pandemic, right? So now that the excitement and the charge is not to reclaim what you used to be, but to build something new. Who you were is gone. And you know what kind of sucks? You liked your old self, didn't you? I was fun. I was going to say you were fun, weren't you?

You were fun. I was fun. Yes. And, you know, my husband and I, we actually did have a date night on Friday. We went to a CCR tribute band. Yeah. And I really did have fun. and my husband's a music guy so he had a blast.

But if you were to look at me, I didn't look like I was having fun. Okay. And I'm just... Here's where you're at. Here's the beauty of your moment. Okay? Fun is going to look different now.

It might be, hey, we're going to go out and listen to the band, but I'm not going to be dancing on the tables anymore because I'm tired, right? Yeah. What I don't want you to do is judge,

take a snapshot of yourself and impose somebody else's judgment that somebody else wasn't even making about you and what you should look like fun because I don't look like I used to. Now I look like this when I have fun and it's awesome. Right?

Yeah. And so it's not creating this, this judgment zone. Like here's what fun is going to look like. We're going to go out and rock it on and we're going to be in bed by nine o'clock. Right. And we used to have crazy middle of the afternoon,

rock and roll. He got home from work early and we tore the curtains off. And you know what now? Once a week for this season, it's going to be great. And it's going to be quiet because I'm not waking the baby, right? And it's just going to look different. And so the challenge now is to put a period at the end of old sentence. You will still be fun.

That's who you are. You're still going to be exciting and silly and cute and all the things, the words you use, those words are still going to apply. It's just going to look different. And the way you used to judge that lady at the show, she looks like she ain't having any fun. Well, that's you now, right? That's you now.

And you get to decide whether you're having fun, not somebody else. Okay. And here's something I want you to keep in your heart. You can't control your husband, but I do think it's worth getting out and going to have a half day. Um, you've heard me say this a million times on the show, go have a half day retreat. Y'all got to build something new. What used to work, where he was gone all day on the weekend, is not going to work in this season. Or I can't keep working full-time nursing hours right now.

I can't. Yeah. What used to be, it's got to be different, and y'all got to co-create that together. Yeah, yeah. You just got to make space for it. I think that would be good for us too because, I mean, of course we still love each other,

but it's kind of like just passing through. You're doing your thing when you get home from work. I'm doing my thing, just trying to take care of everybody. There you go, there you go. And at the end of the night, then we fall asleep within five minutes because we're so tired.

That's right, that's right. And hey, some of that is seasonal. Some of that, it's not, it's not just married life. It's people who quit. Okay. It's people who quit. Don't quit. There's too much fun to be had in that marriage. You like that guy. We've been really trying to make an effort lately because we've realized that, hey, this is not good. We need to- I love it. I love it. I love it. A few days and stuff. And I think one big reason for my, kind of my breaking points on the weekend is I'm so

tired by the end of the week and I have so much that I'm trying to do that I feel like I don't spend enough time with my kids during the day that I'm like, here, you go do this while I get this done. And then I feel bad because I feel like I haven't, I guess, been in the moment and you, you listen, listen, enough time with my kids. That's right. Only you can decide, how much time is enough time. And you're trapped in, I don't feel like I'm doing enough. You've got this imaginary comparative standard Okay, and you're going to keep chasing it and chasing it and chasing it until you define what that is

Until you sit down and whether you get a counselor whether you get a couple of girlfriends Whether you and your husband go out and create this together. Here's what quote unquote enough is You're trying to solve that burnout that's happening in your soul by doing things, by spending time, by making sure this, by cleaning that. And that's not how you heal burnout. You heal burnout from rest. You heal burnout from exercise. You heal burnout from eating right. You heal burnout from having a half hour a day to yourself.

And that may mean that you're gonna have to call somebody on Saturdays, a young kid to come over and play with your little ones while you exhale. It may mean your husband's gonna start dropping a shift off so that he can be home with the kids so that you can go exercise. You can go for walks. You can go get your hair done, whatever the thing is, right? You can go join a book club, whatever it is. But where you're at now is your body's giving you signals. I want you to listen to your body. Also want you to plan and get out and have a half day with your husband and say, all right, we're a family of four now. It happened to us overnight. We're excited. It's been in a pandemic. What is the next phase going to look like? Let's plan it. And that keeps these fights from happening. The, I'm a single mom. You say stuff that comes out of, right? And I want you to let old Aaron go and create new Aaron. It's going to be the most

exciting adventure until you have kid number three and you're going to do it again. Or until you have a middle schooler and you got to do it again. And then you're going to high schoolers, you're going to do it again, right? You're going to keep doing it, keep doing it, keep doing it. You got this. It's exhausting. I recommend that you go talk to a counselor too, by the way. You can go to betterhelp.com slash Jeloni if you want to do it from your house, right? Help get somebody to help you build a framework for what building the next things are going to look like, right?

And you're right to feel exhausted. I want to honor you as a hero in our communities, in our neighborhoods. Thank you so, so much for the nurse you are, for the mom you are, for the wife you are, for the community member you are. What a gift. What a gift.

All right, as we wrap up today's show, it's off the 2019 Dragons album. He's a neighbor out here, Drew Holcomb. And the neighbors, that was cute. Awesome, awesome, awesome. What a songwriter. Drew Holcomb and the neighbors. The song, it's called The End of the World

and it goes like this. Hey, it's the end of the world now. Haven't you heard? So smoke them if you got them, boys and girls. Say goodbye to the past now. Raise up your glass and revel while it lasts. It's the end of the world. Sometimes I'm afraid to die.

My flesh and bones won't testify. My enemies and friends share the same residence. But don't eulogize on my behalf. I'm a long way from my epitaph. I'm only getting started on this lost highway. I on my behalf. I'm a long way from my epitaph. I'm only getting started on this lost highway. I am brave and I'm not afraid. Right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.