The Dr. John Delony Show - Matthew McConaughey on Resilience, Responsibility, & Gratitude

Episode Date: January 20, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   John interviews Academy Award Winning Actor and NYT Best-Selling Author, Matthew McConaughey.   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, hey, what's up? This is Deloney with the Dr. John Deloney Show. The show for you, by you, about you. We talk about relationships and parenting and mental health. We talk about figuring out parenting and mental health. We talk about figuring out what to do next when you just don't know what to do. Getting help with how to be a better husband, how to be a better wife, how to be a better girlfriend, boyfriend. How to figure out what in the world is going on these days.

And we got a special episode for you today. If there is one recurring comment over and over again on the book reviews, on YouTube, on Instagram, on all the internet stuffs, it's, Deloney talks about Texas too much. Oh my gosh, will he shut up about Texas? Okay, we get it, Deloney, you're freaking from Texas. Get it, get it, get it. And then whenever I co-host the Dave Ramsey show with Dave, his little side hustle show that goes out to bajillions of millions of people, they're all running their mouth. Oh my gosh, Jelani, Texas, we get it. You don't even live there. You live in Tennessee. Isn't Tennessee, Texas granddad? Hey, you listen here. Texas doesn't have a granddad. That's kind of ridiculous. Somebody actually told me that. But listen, I finally, I had enough of it. You guys will not stop talking to me

about Texas, Texas. So here's what I did. I got it. I got a full-size Texas flag, and I went and got the ambassador, the living mascot of the state of Texas. Him and I share a moment or two in our

lives because everybody from Texas knows everybody, in case you didn't know that. But today on the show, we have the one and only Oscar award winning, was on one of the greatest television shows in history, just wrote a brand new best-selling book called Greenlights. We have the one and only Matthew McConaughey with Deloney, and we're going to figure some stuff out. We're going to talk about parenting. We're going to talk about mental health. We're going to talk about what's going on in the country.

We're going to talk about all of it. We're going to talk about football, because when two Texans get in a room, we've got to talk about football, for crying out loud. We're going to talk about all of it, and it's awesome, and it's hilarious. He's a great guy. We've got to talk about football, for crying out loud. We're going to talk about all of it. It is awesome and it's hilarious. He's a great guy. If you're watching this on YouTube, you're going to struggle with who's better looking.

I'm not going to lie. It's tough. It's tough. Does he have perfect teeth? Yes. Is he super ripped? Yes. Is his hair way cooler than mine?

Mine looks kind of like I'm growing Lord Vader's helmet and his is long and beautiful. But beyond those things, beyond his basic facial features, his structure of his body and his hair, I think I've got him beat on the who's better looking part. All of that and more on the Dr. John Deloney show, the one and only Matthew McConaughey. Here we go. Check it out. I want to start this whole thing by thanking you from the absolute bottom of my heart for talking to me. And I want to blow some smoke at you, but it's not going to be why you think. You've won the awards, made extraordinary films, the best TV show ever, super insightful. This book's a hoot, man. It was a blast. And you've helped the least of these throughout the world. But listen, man, more than that, I'm a lifelong Texan. I just transplanted here, and rarely do I get to talk to somebody who knows what real queso tastes like, who Bob Schneider is, how to live a life the right way, man.

So just being able to talk to a real Texan makes my soul feel good, man. So thank you for joining me on this. Looking forward to it. The rumor is you're going to be the governor of Texas in short order. So that will be fantastic, brother. And we'll high five you. And before we truly get going, I'm a huge lifelong John Erickson fan. Your work, man, has been exquisite on that.

Hank the Cow Dog. Yes, indeed. Yeah. We were talking about making it animated. Hank the Cowdog. Yes, indeed. Yeah. We're talking about making it animated. The podcast did well. Yeah, it did. It's perfect. It's so good, man.

And my little kids, man, it's just fantastic, brother. So thank you so much, man. Perfect. Bravo. So I want to thank you for your time. On this show, we talk about mental health and relationships and living full and whole lives. And I'm trying to cut through the nonsense and some of the drivel in the mental health landscape. And your book was a blast. You really tap into some universal truths about living well

and honestly and fully. And I want to dig into some of my favorite parts of the book, but I want to start here with an important green light if you will in my life and you are a part of it yeah you and me and I think there's I don't know give or take 80,000 or so other people and I'm positive that you and I share this together so tell me if I'm crazy I'm a father a husband and all that but this is one of my top fivers and I'm gonna go back to November 1 2008 it was a cold beautiful night in Lubbock Texas and Mack Brown's got his hands on his knees and the exquisite Colt McCoy's already got his helmet off ready to celebrate and if I remember correctly you were pacing the sidelines rallying

the troops up and Graham Harrell had one more pass, and he rolled out, and Crabtree made that catch and tiptoed. And for many of us there in Lubbock, Texas, many of us Red Raiders, man, our lives were complete for a moment. And it's been a steady free fall since then, but that was the moment. Were you there? Am I crazy? Oh, yes, I was there. That was me. Let me tell you what happened on the last place. So I'm sitting there. My wife, Camilla, and I are there. I'm holding our newborn Levi.

Texas, you know, we think we're going to stop you from scoring right here. Game's over. We win. And the state trooper who I knew from the team who had traveled with us, the Longhorns, he comes up and he goes, hey, Mr. McConaughey, he goes, you might want to walk over there to the tunnel because if crazy happens and we do score here, this crowd's storming the field and it might not be safe. And I was like, whoa, didn't think of that.

Great idea. So I went hustling, yelling at the team, come on, here we go, hustling all the way to the tunnel. Just as I arrived at that opening of the tunnel, I heard the roar. No way. You missed the catch? No, I missed it live. My back was hurt. I was running with Levi and guess who I saw the first person as I came into the tunnel? Who's that? Allie Brown. And she looked at me and I saw tears fill her eyes. And she goes, and I went, they scored. She went, yes. And it's a good thing I got off the field because, yes, all of Lubbock, Texas went on.

Brother, listen, I was standing in the box and I saw grown men, 80-year-old men, 70-year-old men, they were weeping. This was the moment, man. All the failed cotton harvest, all of it came down to this catch and this run, man. That was it. I'm kind of disappointed that you, for the sake of your child, you turned your back on

your longhorns, but it is what it is, right? That's fine. That's fine. Do you miss my glitch with every ounce of my being man at some point you and i have to write a letter and get mac and mike back in their rightful places but that's a whole other story oh man so man you put together this this book was a blast to to dig into and from start to finish and some of it rang so true to me just growing up in in texas and splitting time between the houston area and west texas i want to start here we live in a culture of extremes right we've got denial or

victimization either or no in-betweens and one of the themes throughout this book is this conscious choice it felt like a conscious choice to always be looking forward and backward at the same time consciously choosing every day to not be a victim to whatever life's throw whatever life throws at you and i gotta know where does that, where does that perspective come from? Because it's so counter-cultural and for folks who live in the space of other people's pain, it's truth. It's reality, right? Well, I think I realized pretty early on, well, one, when I say this, resilience was be one of my top three things that, that, that was ingrained in me by my parents. You were taught to get relative very quickly, meaning like you, you're, you're griping and hemming and hawing about your ratty tennis shoes and how you need a new pair. And my mom would just snap at us and go, you know,

you're sitting there crying about no shoes. I'm going to introduce you to the boys. So she would baseline, you know, we get up in a bad mood. She'd sit there and go like, where do you get off being in a bad mood? There was no guarantee the sun was going to rise this morning. You just got another day. That wasn't guaranteed. So she would go to the absolute baseline if, I mean, of what you should be appreciative for. So that was ingrained in me early on. Then I think I learned that. You know, a lot of times if I say, hey, and I said, yes, I have been the victim, but I don't feel like I've ever been.

I've been victimized, but I have never felt like a victim. Right. What I mean by that. That does not mean that I'm denying that I was victimized. But the alternative, I mean, if I deny that I'm a victim, I say, no, no, no, no, no. You're not getting me on that. I'm not I'm not going to play the victim on that. That does not deny the crisis or deny the fact that I may be victimized.

And I think that's a fallacy that people think. People can lean into, here's an example. When I talk about the metaphor of green lights, all right, and the art of catching the green light is actually at the yellow light. Do you pause and give yourself a red light and dwell in a situation that may be uncomfortable? Or do you put your pedal to the metal and blow through that yellow light and say, I ain't giving that crisis credit? Well, you need both. You need to stop and go, no, I need to slow. I need to check in. I need to recalibrate.

I need to check in with who I am in this relationship or with myself or a career. But other times, we too often, and society does this a lot, we see, we stop, we slow down at every yellow light, which then turns red and we find ourselves dwelling in the victimization of, oh, I'm in a red light, when actually we're dwelling in something that's like, we should have never given that crisis credit. I'm not, I should have put the pedal to the metal and ran that yellow light, turned it green by running it. So sometimes I think we slow down too much and give crisis too much credit. And then obviously, sometimes we're just blowing through all the yellow lights.

We're not evolving as people. If we're just blowing through the yellows and making them green by putting the pedal to the metal, we're not growing. So it's a combination of the two. But, you know, I don't see the upside a lot of times in playing the victim. I love the acknowledgement. It's both, right? It's both and. I absolutely love that.

Beyond having an extraordinary mother who, man, was really intentional about passing that along how do we how do we communicate that to kids in our schools how do we communicate that to um kids that aren't our kids that are in our churches that are in our neighborhoods how do we pass that resilience along well that's a great question and i'm i'm challenged with it every day as a parent, you know, and I think all parents are, you know, actually, I believe that generosity can breed gratitude. Gratitude can breed responsibility. Responsibility breeds freedom. But it takes those first two, the generosity and the gratitude of giving and being thankful for to create more things to be thankful for, give us more things that we respect in our life that we say, no, I've given that value, man.

And when I give something value, I have the gratitude for it. I'm taking more responsibility for caring for that and giving a damn about it. Yes. Whether it's you, whether it's a friend, whether it's someone's condition. And now if I take responsibility for that, we can start to do the work and either make choices to go forward or sacrifice things that will give us more freedom tomorrow. You know, it's it's you know, everyone goes, oh, it's a different world these days. And yet it is. I mean, you know, now more than ever, our children, you know, take a snapshot of themselves or some part of themselves and put it out there in the world and and then wait. What is the world to think about? What are all these strangers out there that I don't know going to think about it?

And if they come back with thumbs up, I'm going to have a great day. If they come back with thumbs down. I'm feeling depressed. I don't like who I am. I'm a loser. Well, that's not the place to find your identity. Amen. That's right, man. That you don't know who are on the sidelines for a reason because they're on the sidelines. You know what I mean? So I would also say this, fail more. The world tells you don't fail because you'll be embarrassed and we're all going to say na-na-na-na-na-boob at you. Well, again, those people saying that, they're on the sidelines for a reason because they're not in the game. The people who are really in the game

love to see someone fail and get back up. I've gotten success and achieved things in my life, not because I succeeded at it, but because I've actually gotten jobs, was chosen in front of the person who succeeded the first time at it. I was chosen because I failed, got back up, failed, got back up, failed, got back up. And the person who's making the choice goes, I know the guy over here did it right the first time and he's in, but I want this Charlie Hustle over here. Yeah. Yeah first time and he's in but i want this charlie hustle over here yeah yeah you know that's character baby that's right and and it's not always you know that way but you can get places by that that resilience and people will notice someone who goes i'm gonna try again

i'm not quitting um and i think i think i think one is just look, we all got to notice our children got to understand this. This thing, life is a rodeo, man. We're on the bull and we're all trying to get our eight seconds. It ain't easy. It ain't supposed to be. And if nobody was wrong, how the hell do we know what was right? So come on, get up. It's not the end all be all. No, the world is out there telling you, Nana and Boo Boo, you screwed up. We didn't like this. Well, you know what? They don't find you. That's right. So here's a veiled parent question that I'm going to pretend is for the audience, but it's really just two dads talking here. I got a 10 year old son, Hank, and a five

year old daughter, Josephine. And one of the things I loved in your book is your parents had, and I've got capital letters here in my notes, they had expectations for you, right? They had expectations. They expected you to live by the family codes. They expected you to do what they said. And sometimes I love the expectations, right? Because every family's got their outspoken ones, and then they're like, this is the way we do things, right? But we live in a culture run by children where parents are trying to catch up with their kids and make sure everybody's smiling and happy. What advice do you have for parents trying to

navigate that responsibility to their kids? I'm often telling people over and over, this world's desperate for adults to step up and say no to their kids and show their kids that they love them. What's some advice you got for parents, good man? Participation trophies are doing a disservice to our kids. Come on. It's a lot, right?

It's so irresponsible to them because the real world don't give participation trophies. So as soon as they're out of the house and they're out there thinking, oh, all they got to do is show up to get it, to get the trophy in life. Life goes. And you may even get you may may even get bloody and you learn that. Whoa, it's harsh at us. I'm saying it's a rodeo. I'm not trying to scare. I don't think we need to scare our children into you better do this

and if you don't win, you're not worth it. No, that's not the point. We want to be friends with our kids, sure. But, man, I know the parents I know that are – that's their first priority. I want to be my kid's best friend at the sacrifice of being the father of the mother. Most of those kids are turds, man. That's exactly right. I tell folks a lot, man, get your own friends, dude.

Be their mom and dad. They need it. And let's give ourselves, adults, let's give ourselves, you said, let's give ourselves more credit. If we don't know better in certain situations, what the hell is evolution for? That's exactly right. We're going through that and understand they're going to do it a different way. But it's that old thing about, look, I look at it like a tree limb. Kids aren't afraid of height until they fall. Right. So when you're in the backyard and they're climbing that tree.

And they're out on that land that you're like, that's pretty damn high, man, if they fall. Right. So when you're in the backyard and they're climbing that tree and they're out on that land that you're like, oh, that's pretty damn high, man. If they fall from there, measure it. Like, well, they fall from there. They're not going to break their arm, but they're going to get bruised and scratched and we're going to see some tears. Maybe that's a good limb to let them keep walking. When they get way up there, we were like, oh boy. They don't come back from this one, right?

That's maybe when we need to step in and go, hey, come on, OBA. Come here. Check this out. Come on down a minute. You know what I mean? Come down. But we don't want to pull them off the lower limbs so quickly. Pull them off the lower limbs too quickly before they can go, I mean, I went to school.

I passed all the tests, made my A's. What do I remember? What I experienced, what I tried out and failed at, what I tried out one I learned from the book. And if we're, it's, I think it's important for all of us to want it. We want our kids to be able to go out and negotiate life. Right. And we want them to go out on their own and leave the nest one day and say, thank you, mom, dad, for preparing me for this world and helping me be who I am. So I can now go navigate on my own. That's what our parents want to do.

We want to see our kids go and leave the flock. We want to see them go their own way. This is a theory I have on that I believe, I know it's true for me, and I think it's true for a lot of parents and even us as a nation. We raise our kids in a structure, all right? Follow these rules, stay within these guidelines, all right? And if we do that, if the kids do that, they're going to usually have a good chance of succeeding. But what do we really want as parents? What do we really want as a nation with governments and regulations? Hey, stay in line. You got to follow the rules. Yes, do that.

But what we really want is when our kid or an entrepreneur comes to us and goes, thank you, but I'm going my own way and I'm not asking permission. That's when a mom and dad really go, yes, you were bluffing. And if you do, Steve jobs,

I'm going to do it. No, you can't do that. Yes, Sam. He goes, all of a sudden he does it, pulls it off.

The world goes, wow. When I called my dad and told him, I didn't want to go to law school, I want to go to film school. In that phone call, he could hear my voice that I really wasn't asking him permission. I would have wobbled. Well, I think I maybe want to, you know, he just said, boy, nice pipe dream. You're going to law school like you plan. But he heard my voice, even though I was asking him a question, technically, I wasn't asking permission. That's right.

You're asking for a blessing. That's a different thing, right? And then hearing that, he was like, don't half-ass it. And I heard his pride and going, he felt like, ah, I did a good job as a dad that I raised my son in a structure long enough. You learn to block and tackle before you go play wide out, son. Right. He raised the structure early. You learn to block and tackle before you go play wide out, son. Right. Raise the structure early. Learn the fundamentals. Then if you want to let

it fly and go off on your own way, go, but don't come a bluffing when you go. That's right. The world will be bluffing too. You can feel it, right? That's what your agent told you, right? Or your buddy there in Hollywood out the gate.

People can smell desperation, right? If you come out here needy, you are done for. Get your ass out of here. Go forget about Hollywood for a minute. Forget about getting an agent, and I'll let you know when you're ready. When I came back, I wasn't like, I got to have an agent. I got to. That's when he said, you're ready, and he was right.

Man. So one of the things I did in Lubbock, I actually worked at the law school there at Texas Tech, and one of the things I did at Lubbock, I actually worked at the law school there at Texas Tech. And one of the things I did at night was I did crisis work with the police department. I'd go do death notifications and be with victims and sit with folks in their darkest hour. We are obsessed as a culture with talking and with the right answers and just running and running and running our mouths. And one of the things I learned, and dude, I was the worst, the worst.

Always had an answer, always had a witty, smart comeback, always had the right thing to say, I thought, right? And then you sit with somebody and their child is passed away in that room right there, or their husband or wife is no longer with us. One of the most poignant parts of your book, Matthew, was I learned staring people in the face, there's nothing you can say. The only thing I can give someone in that moment is my presence, is this notion that you're not alone. You tell a beautiful story about suddenly people start recognizing you and this idea of Hollywood.

It happened, right? It happened. The bomb goes off and it's as beautiful and it's a blessing as we can imagine. And it's got a dark side to it. And you took off over to a place I've been to off in Chama, New Mexico. And you met Brother Christian and this idea of being known and being heard basically through silence. Tell me about that experience. So I'd just gotten famous. All of a sudden, the world was a mirror. Over one weekend, it was when A Time to Kill came out. Over one weekend,

my life changed. All of a sudden, I wasn't meeting strangers anymore. Everyone had a biography on me. Oh, I'm sorry, Matthew, about Miss Hud. And I'm in my mind going, number one, how'd you know it was Matthew? Number two, how'd you know I had a dog? Number three, how'd you know her name was Miss Hud? Number four, how'd you know she had cancer? Whoa, that's a lot, man. Yeah.

Like you're just trespassing on my life. And so I was getting a lot of adulation as well I was getting invited to do almost any script I wanted where it's just two days before time to kill came out I would have done any of those scripts for nothing and now they're all of them and I'm like need to have some discernment right now to like choose what I want to do when two days ago I would have done any of these and now you're telling me I can do all of them I got to get out and go hear myself think see what's going on I mean I'm my feet are off the ground a little bit, so I went away out there on that Chum River, that monastery, and I just needed someone to talk to,

you know, shake some monkeys off my back. The world wasn't making sense, and I met this man, Brother Christian, and we went for a walk, about a four-hour walk, and he listened. Hands behind back, we walked through that desert for four hours, and I talked the entire time. Guilty thoughts, guilty actions, what is right, what's making sense, this, that, and the other. I'm confused, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We finally come back around to the chapel four hours later, and my face is soaking wet, dried tears, dust in them and everything else. And we sit down and I finish off my purge, my confession, basically. And he hadn't said one word in four hours.

Finally, I finish and I'm looking at the ground and I'm awaiting this. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Yes. You are in trouble, son. Here's dun, dun, dun. Yes. Awaiting. Yes. You are in trouble, son. Here's what you got to do. Nothing. Silence, silence, silence. 15 seconds go by.

I finally look up at him. And he's just staring at me. And he looks me in the eye, holds my eye for about three seconds. And he says, me too. I crumbled man i was like sometimes you don't need advice sometimes you need to be letting know hey man i it's the human condition man i we're all in it and and he let me know by saying that that while my problems were specific to me, they weren't original. They weren't. I didn't have I didn't have complete ownership of those. I didn't have that ownership of that human condition. Everyone feels different versions of that. So he spread it out and let me know it's a human. It's a it's part of part of living, man.

Part of being a human. And it allowed me to forgive myself in certain places and gave me the courage to change certain things that I need to change. That theme of we're in it together just weaves its way through your book. And I'm of the belief that that's the most compassionate, needed sentiment across humanity in my own home, here at my office, everywhere. My kids' schools is this notion that we're all in this together. And whether it's your old man saying, don't go halfway. If you're going to go, go, right? And your mom saying, I love you, and you're better than that. And your guy saying, don't let him smell fear, and then I'll introduce you.

And then that monk in a monastery looking you know i'd say hey man me too and you have now given the the your readership a gift by saying hey i know every single one of you is stuck going too fast going too slow wherever you may be me too and i want to tell you man i'm grateful for you. Appreciate your time. One of the things that we do to wrap up the show every week is, man, I'm a big music fan. I come from a great music town there in Texas, there in Houston, and you come from the cornerstone of the music city. So man, give us, give me just a snippet of your favorite song lyric of all time by your favorite artist who would that be and by when i say favorite by the way i mean that in the texas way which means about the top 100 200 they're all but pretty much my favorite right my favorite barbecue place my favorite

mexican food place like what's your favorite give me a song that has just rattled around in your head for your whole life uh well for going te for going Texas-wise, you know, I'd have to be crazy about Willie Nelson. Oh, man. All ants, they crawled across the ground. Not to be seen. Nobody is. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I love that song. But then you know what? In the theme of what we're talking about, my favorite song of all time and one that we need to be listening to today more, Pink House's John Mellencamp. Yeah. You got a snippet off the top of your head?

Black man with black cat living in a black neighborhood. Got an interstate running through his front yard. You know, he thinks he's got it so good. There's a woman in the kitchen cleaning up the even slop. You know, he looks at her and says, I remember when you could stop the clock. Ain't that America? You and me. Ain't that America?

Something to see. Ain't that America? Home of the free. Yeah. Little pink houses, baby. You and me Brother Matthew, thank you so, so much for giving me your most precious resource on planet Earth, which is your time. I'm grateful for you, man. Thank you for bringing some joy into my life with your book and your art and keep my state nice and warm.

And please, for all is holy, have some queso for me this week, would you? Please do, man. All right, man. Grateful for you, man. Take care. All right, cool. So that was the one and only Matthew McConaughey. I hope you enjoyed that conversation.

Hey, listen, that's the first interview that we've pulled off on the Dr. John Deloney Show. If you liked it, send me a message, shoot me a note in the YouTube chat or on the direct messages on the Instagrams or whatever. Let me know if you want to see more interviews with me and my friends. Me and Matthew aren't friends, but we are now, right? It's so awesome to connect with you good folks.

Y'all be kind to one another, stay well, be cool, and I'll see you next time on the Dr. John Deloney Show.