The Dr. John Delony Show - Mom Changed Her Will & Asked Me Not To Tell My Siblings

Episode Date: March 18, 2022

Today, we’re talking with a parent who wants to transition their discipline style away from spanking, a woman who’s keeping a secret about her mom’s will, and a man whose marriage is on the rocks as a result of how his traumatic brain injury has changed him. How can we effectively discipline our kids without spanking them? Mom changed her will & asked me not to tell my siblings… should I? We can’t seem to recover our marriage after my traumatic brain injury Lyrics of the Day: "There Is a Light That Never Goes Out" - The Smiths Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Greensbury Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a young parent who wants to stop spanking and transition to different forms of discipline. We also talk to a woman whose mother changed the wheel and she wants to know if she should tell her brother. And we talk to a survivor of a traumatic brain injury that's struggling with relationships. Stay tuned. What up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, every day I think this world's gone sideways. It has gone absolutely to the birds.

And then it just gets weirder the next day. So here we are, and you decided to top off whatever's going on in the world with this doozy of a podcast. I'm so glad that you're with us. Hey, if you want to be on this show, we are taking your calls. 1-844-693-3291. By we, I mean Kelly. Kelly's taking your calls.

1-844-693-3291. Yeah, it was the typical male thing where I'm like, yeah, we're pregnant. Nope, nope, we're not. We're not. I am, not you. All right. No, we're having a baby.

Nope, nope, no, we're not. Just she is. So I'm going to stop while I'm ahead. Let's go to Natasha in Mountain Home. Dude, what a cool town. Hey, what's up, Natasha? Hey, how are you? Thanks for having me. That's cool. I like Mountain Home. Mountain Home. That's like, never mind. I'm going to get distracted. We've had some meetings recently where we've talked about my distraction level. So I'm trying to stay focused. So Natasha from Mountain Home, what's up? Well, I just wanted some tips, I guess, on how to successfully transition from a parent who uses spanking as a discipline method to a know, to a more gentle parenting method. But also, you know, I feel like we've kind of set the bar and I don't really know how

do we go back from here? Oh, man. So what got you rethinking your approach to discipline? Yeah, what got you rethinking it? I've heard you talk about it before and I've seen, you know, some of the research about it and I've been interested in it and I try, you know, really hard to, to be as patient and just, you know, just implement the gentle discipline, you know, in our house. But I feel like, like I said, we've got the ball rolling on, you know, using spanking already and I don't know how to,

how do we go back? Yeah, so, man, number one, I applaud you. If any time any parent makes any kind of changes, whether it's this one or doing anything differently midstream, that's hard, right?

We've created a context that our kids, that's what they know. And so doing anything differently, like, man, all we eat is, all we eat is Lucky Charms around here. And then all of a sudden,

you think, like, nope, we're switching to oatmeal. Then you're going to have a rebellion there for a little bit, right? Like a mutiny. All right. So I want you to take the word gentle out of your vocabulary. Not gentle isn't what we're aiming for. Okay. I want you to think of we are with, not over. That's the transition we're making. Okay. I want you to think of we are with, not over. That's the transition we're making.

Okay. I am no longer going to try to get you to do things because I've got bigger muscles than you. I'm going to walk alongside you as I teach you and coach you and instruct you and hold you incredibly accountable, right? Which includes punishment, that includes consequences. I'm going to walk alongside you as we help you grow up to be an adult, right? So here's what I would recommend. The cornerstone of any sort of discipline, if you will, any sort of co-responsibility is ownership. The kid has to feel like they are participating in something bigger than they are. Otherwise, they are an actor in your play. They hold no responsibility other than watch out for swinging fists and sticks. Okay?

Right. And they will, and you probably know all this, but I want to, to the people who are listening, I want to paint a broader picture. That might mean that they go get straight A's and they're silent and they're quiet and they sit still. They can do that because they're part of a family ecosystem that breathes and, um, that breathes together and leans on one another. Um, or they can do it to avoid getting hit. Right. Right. And I want a kid who, when they're 22 knows I do these things because that's how a neighborhood operates. That's how my community operates. I play a vital role in making sure that my country and my neighborhood and my family is doing well, is healthy, right? Not, I want to do these

things so I can avoid fill in the blank, because that leads to all kinds of things downstream. So here's what I would suggest. You probably heard me say this before, but this is a good time to reiterate it. Let's say your family is the Smiths. I would love to see the Smith family get together and have a big event, plan it up, bake a cake, make it a big thing. I want your kids to know, and you got a, how old's your kid? He's seven. Seven. You have any other kids? Yeah, we have a two-year-old as well Okay, bring him along And let the seven-year-old know

That his responsibility is helping the two-year-old participate Right, so now he's got a two-fold He's got a job here, right He's vested And we're going to create a We're going to go to like Michael's We're going to go to a hardware store We're going to get like a piece of plywood We're going to get to a hardware store. We're going to get like a piece of plywood.

We're going to get some fancy artsy thing. I don't know. I've seen some on the internet. People have sent me and some of them are beautiful. The one we did in our house isn't that fancy because I'm not that artistic. And my wife is much more than me, but we didn't go that route. But we're going to create a set of here's who the Smith family is values. Okay. That will be, you may have some fun with it. You're going to have a piece of cake. You're going to laugh. You're going to have a nice

dinner together. Is dad around? He is, but we are actually in the process of separating. Okay. All right. So there's going to be a lot of additional chaos in your home, right? Your seven-year-old is going to be additionally untethered in certain ways. So this can be one of those steps towards, it's not going to be the solution. It's going to be one of the steps towards keeping him anchored during this separation, which is going to be, it's going to be tough on him, right? Right. So here's who the Smiths are. We treat people with respect. We are kind. We turn the TV off at the first, whatever the thing is.

We listen to one another. We do chores together, whatever the language that's appropriate for the age. And then the transition is this. When you ask your son to do something, okay, go pick up your socks, and he mouths off, it is now not you choosing to hit him or you choosing to kick him out of the house. You, the heartbroken parent, are accepting his choice to no longer be in the room for the next 10 minutes. You've accepted his choice to not go to in the room for the next 10 minutes. You've accepted his choice to not go to the birthday party this weekend. You've accepted his decision because he chose to violate the values. He got to choose not to fill in the blank with whatever consequences y'all decide.

It does help if you participate some in these consequences. Okay. So if you have ice cream or something at dinner, and one of them is we talk with respect and you yell one day and give him permission to go, ah, right? And you go, oh, no ice cream for mom tonight. I chose to not have ice cream because I chose to yell, right? Let him see that it's not you versus him,

that y'all are in this together. And this isn't a cure-all, but this becomes an anchor point. Also, if you feel strongly about, hey, I don't want to hit my kid, it's not a bad thing to let your kid know, I'm going to start doing things differently now. And be open about that. And I have I have tried that with him before. And, you know, like doing like you said, and, you know, letting him know that, OK, well, you know, I'm sorry that you chose this. And it's it's more fun when you're out here with us and when you can play with us and we all have more fun when you're here. But he seems to be completely unfazed. Like if you, you know, tell him no dessert with dinner, he's like, oh, okay, well,

no dessert. Or if you tell him you can't play with his Legos, oh, well, I'll just twiddle my thumbs. Or, you know, he seems so unfazed by everything. There's always, you know, some sort of something else he can do instead. And so there's twofold to that. Number one, good for him. He's, that's leadership, man. He is learning. I'll trade that for that. Number one, good for him. That's leadership, man. He is learning. I'll trade that for that. It's fair. Yeah.

And if it's something of consequence, right? So we're seeing it play on the global scale. We said, if you, country X, are going to bomb this country, then you'll have no more money. We're going to take all your money. And they go, that's cool. We'll going to take all your money. And they go, that's cool. We'll keep bombing. And then it's like, well, okay, then, you know, so at some point, if it's something that we care about, like loss of life, you're going to keep upping the ante, right? I will find something. My mom talks about, she locked me in the house. Like I got grounded to my room. That was hell for me. It was torture. My little brother,

on the other hand, had to go outside because he was, he liked reading. He liked, he was great with, with, you know, computer programming. He was that kid. And so she had to approach it differently for both of us, but finding things that were of meaning and a value to us. And so that's the, that's the, the, the navigation of parent. But if a kid decides to ride And so that's the navigation of the parent. But if a kid decides to ride it out, then the kid's riding it out. And that means we got to up the accountability a little bit. And also, I mean, let's high five your kid.

That's kind of cool too, right? It's so frustrating because I love it, but I hate it at the same time. There you go. Yes, yes. It's like when my kid tells a joke and I'm like, you can't say that, but that's really funny. You know what. Yes, yes. It's like when my kid tells a joke, and I'm like, you can't say that, but that's really funny.

You know what I mean? Yes, it's like that. Some of that is your kid leaning on you, especially in this season. My guess is if y'all are getting separated now, have things been tough for a season? Oh, yeah. Yeah. So has there been any abuse in the home or anything like that? No, no abuse or anything.

We just can't manage to get along. What about volume? Been yelling and things? Yeah, there has been. Okay. So in some regard, your kid is gonna double down. Your kid's gonna be willing to take a few lumps. He's gonna bite himself in the foot to see if you're gonna hang on to him. Yeah. Is he going to lose you too? And some of that is making sure he not only hears you say, but sees you will never lose me.

Right. And it may be that timeouts or opting out or something like that isn't the appropriate response for this season. In fact, it may be the opposite. Fine then, if you talk like that, you got to give me a hug for five minutes, an unstopping five-minute hug. You got to help mom with her laundry. That's just, that's what you chose to do. You know what I mean? I'm going to bring you even closer to me. You have to go draw a picture in this book about how great mommy is, right? I'm going to do things that are going to bring us closer together than the opposite. But the goal here, the overarching

thing is this. I want my child to have ownership in their choices. I'm going to teach them about choices. And let's not forget that they're seven or they're nine or they're 12. They're not going to do this perfectly. And they will call our bluff over and over and over and over again. And that's the worst part of being, my mom used to say, I promise you grounding you hurts me more than you. Cause I can't just leave now. Cause you're stuck in the house.

Like it's worse for me than you. And sometimes when we're, when we are trying to teach our kids accountability, we're trying to teach them hard work and respect and dignity, all those important things. Man, we take it on the chin by holding them accountable. That's the hard, dirty work of being a parent. And man, your kid is lucky to have you, Natasha. Be really graceful with him during this transition.

It's going to be hard. He's going to test every boundary he's got to see if mom's going to leave, to see if there's something he can do that you're going to say, well, we just can't get along either, I guess. Or that dad's going to say, well, you and I, son, we just can't get along, so we're done. He's going to really need some extra attention. And I would be direct with your husband about, as we separate here um if there's no no path for reconciliation as we separate here where both of us are going to be grown-ups about doubling down and making sure that this little boy this little baby this little two-year-old are hyper hyper connected otherwise they will take this separation on as their problem to solve and they'll be about

solving it for the rest of their life hey i, I have a quick question to jump in with. Yeah, yeah. So we're talking, this makes sense with a seven-year-old. As far as younger kids, like I have a three-year-old. When you talk about the idea of them understanding that it's their choice, that they made this choice and they're dealing with the consequences, it feels like that's gonna be hard for a two-year-old or three-year-old to understand.

So what does that look like for a younger kid? Yeah, sometimes, so James, thanks for that. Natasha, thank you so much for that call. James, so with a two or three-year-old or three-year-old to understand. So what does that look like for a younger kid? Yeah, sometimes, so James, thanks for that. Natasha, thank you so much for that call. James, so with a two or three-year-old, unfortunately, it takes a lot of parent mobility, meaning I'm going to get up and move you to this place, right? You may not be able to walk away, or sometimes it is, I will not allow you to hit, right? So sometimes we'll tell a kid, yeah, I'm gonna be more imposing on my will, if you will. A separation for a three-year-old is, saying the words out loud,

when you hit, you chose to go sit over here and not play. I'm not, you're not, I'm not putting you in another room. That's torture for a three-year-old or a two-year-old, but I will put you over here. And that may mean I have to keep picking you up and putting you back over here. And we're going to do the minute per year, right? You've heard that. You'll be in this corner for three minutes and seeing us. And then the first thing I'm going to meet you back there with hugs. I'm going to make sure, you know, you're connected. Please don't hit, please don't choose to go over here. I'm going to continue to reiterate that language, but you're right. Two-year-old doesn't know that. Where we fall into is we whap a two-year-old or we swat a

three-year-old and they don't understand that either. And so there's a, it's that physical presence. But some of that with a three-year-old is, yeah, unfortunately I got bigger muscles than you. I will not allow you to hit, right? And I will move your body. Once they get to four, five, six, seven, then they start taking ownership of that. I say to my six-year-old often, please talk to me about why you're choosing this response here. And if she can't articulate it, she'll duck her head and then begin to smile like, I don't know. You know what I mean?

And so I want her to begin to take ownership. But again, she's six, seven, five. Those, I mean, there's a reason we don't let them vote. Hey, great question, James. Thanks, Natasha. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes.

And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our

true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. And I punched a wall so hard, I hate it. Actually, okay, so here's the thing. It's incredible.

Let's be honest. The technology is something else. Like I kept looking behind me. I got all turned around in the room so much that I punched a wall. I was trying to hit this boxer in front of me, and I was getting frustrated. Anyway, the technology is amazing. And I'll also say when I took that thing off, that's the most disorienting, like I don't know what planet I'm on.

It was unnatural. I don't know another way to say it. I know I sound like a hundred year old man who's going up school, uphill both ways in the snow to school. It's something, it was so disorienting. You've done it too? Yeah, my son had his birthday party just last weekend.

It was the first time I did it. And I played, I actually went boxing. I did the Apollo Creed. Yeah, that's what I did. Yeah, and by the way, I hurt for two days played, I actually went boxing. I did the Apollo Creed. Yeah, that's what I did. Yeah. And by the way, I hurt for two days afterwards. Which is the worst. But I also did the Google Earth.

And I kept having to stop because I thought I was falling. It was so disorienting. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you were about to take a step and they kept saying, John, back up. And I was like, I can't back up! When I actually could back up, but I was up against the ring and I thought I was going to fall out. Yeah, it's super disorienting. I've definitely hit walls before.

I played ping pong in VR and I've got like a small apartment and I'm just like constantly knocking over mic stands and stuff in my studio. Here's a cool thing, man. You have an open invitation to come to my house and play with a real ping pong table. I'm in.

If you ever so desire. That's awesome. All right, let's go to Rosalie, the great Rosalie in San Diego, California. What's up, Rosalie? Good morning. How are you? I'm doing well.

How are you doing? I really couldn't be doing better, actually. Good, good. What's up? Well, I would like your expert opinion on if I should inform my siblings of my mom's changes in her trust. Ooh, tell me about this. Okay, a little background. I am the youngest of three children. My oldest sibling has a different father from my middle sibling and I. My dad...

Wait, you're the youngest of three or oldest? Youngest. Youngest, okay. Yes. Oh, and then your next youngest sibling, the one right above you has a different dad. No, my oldest, my oldest sibling has a different dad. Okay. Okay. Okay. Me and my middle sibling have the same dad. Okay. Excellent. And we all, of course, have the same mom. My dad died in 2002. My middle sibling and my dad died in 2002. My middle sibling and my dad died in

2002. My dad was a hard worker and he built a pretty good nest egg for him and my mom. My dad also supported

my oldest sibling. I don't even remember how old she was when my mom and dad got married. But my dad supported her with food, clothing, school, all that stuff. So my dad died in 2002. He did not have a will, but he did put me on one of his accounts. Okay. His main account he put me on. But when he died, all of his assets rolled to your mom, right? Correct.

Okay. Correct. Everything went to my mom. So after my dad died, I pretty much, my mom was old school. She didn't pay bills. She didn't write checks. She didn't do taxes. My dad said, sign here, and she did. That was pretty much old school from a long time ago. So my mom, you know, did like what my dad told her to not in a bad way, but just my dad took care of my mom. So, um, everything rolled over to my mom. Again, she had my dad incurred assets, not, you know, he's not a millionaire, but he did very well. Did okay. All right, so bring me to now. To now? Well, the original trust was done in 2012. It took my mom 10 years to do the trust.

So in 2012, she did her original trust. And she left the house to my middle sibling, and the assets, the money was split between the three of us. That was her original trust. So approximately 2015, my mom started to talk about changing her trust. Um, I pretty much the one who, you know, did the bills. We, you know, we had our routine. We went grocery shopping. We did our stuff together. And my middle sibling would come around. He took care of the house, maintained the house, I should say. You know, he didn't take care of it, but he maintained the house. So in about 2015, my mom started talking about her wanting to change the conditions of the trust. Why'd she change it? Because she knew that I was the one who was taking care of her.

My mom, again, like I said, was old school. When you did something for my mom, she felt she had to take you. Hooked you up back. Right. Right. Okay. So fast forward, she's changed her will and made you the person over everything, right? No. Okay.

No, what she changed was she added me to the house. Okay. But left the rest pretty much the same, splitting the assets between the three of us. Okay. But left the rest pretty much the same, splitting the assets between the three of us. Okay. But she did change, you know, the ownership of the house. So is your brother under the impression that whenever she passes away, he gets the house scot-free? Yes. Okay.

Why can't she tell, this sounds like a conversation for her to have. Why isn't she tell this sounds like a conversation for her to have why isn't she not doing that well my mom knows her children and she she knows that if she was to say anything

that the middle sibling would probably not come around anymore. She wants him to come around. This was like in 2017 is when she finally, when she changed her trust. Yeah, but she wants to have her cake and eat it too. There's something here you're not telling me. Is mom okay? Does mom have Alzheimer's or something? No, mom is not okay.

So in 2000, like I said, in 2017, she did the trust. And she pretty much told me, you know, don't say anything. And she on her own went to the lawyer. I did drive her only because she didn't drive anymore.

So the lawyer also told me that assets were mom's, not mine, not my brother's. Yes. Or my sibling's. Correct. So she had the right to do whatever she wanted to with her assets. Correct. Not that it wasn't none of our business, but pretty much. Tell me about your mom.

Tell me about your mom. My mom is... Does she have cancer? Does she have Alzheimer's or something? In 2019, my mom started showing signs of dementia. Okay, okay. At first, it was little stuff. And then in late 2019, my mom fell.

She fell and she hit her head pretty hard. And so the dementia went full force. Okay. So is she- So I moved in with my mom. I moved in with her. And at 2019, I moved in permanent with her. Okay. So fast forward to 2021, um, I was diagnosed, diagnosed with cancer. I'm sorry. Um, so my doctor informed me that there was a good chance everything would work out good, but that I needed to get my affairs in order. So I did contact my mom's attorney to let him know, you know, he told me you have no right to change anything. You have no right to her trust. And I told him, I understand that,

but I just wanted to inform him that I might not be in the picture anymore. If my cancer progressed. So, um, I, yeah, yeah. So hold on, uh, Rosalie, we're like, we're, uh, get, get down to your question here. Okay. What can I help you with? So I need to, my mom always told me not to say anything what she had done. Okay.

It was her business, and although I wasn't involved other than taking her. I got that. You need to move past that in your own heart and mind, okay? You drove your mom like you drove your mom everywhere. She made a decision. Okay. That's where I'm stuck. So here's the thing.

So now my mom no longer can make decisions for herself. Right. She is in a rehab facility. Okay. And her dementia is progressing. She hasn't been able to make... So what can I, Rosalie, what can I help you with? She can't make decisions and choices? Are you struggling with whether to tell your brother? Yes. Okay. All right. You've mentioned this a bunch, so just give me a yes or no answer. You've mentioned this, you've spoke around it a lot, so I just want to poke right in the middle of it. All right. Did you play a role in convincing your mom that you should have

part of the house too because of all the work you've done? Absolutely not. Okay. You are talking about it as though you have some deep guilt about it, as though you played a role in taking something from your brother. And if you did not, I want to encourage you to set that brick of guilt down and never pick it up again. Your mom made a grown-up decision with her grown-up money, and then she, unfortunately for you, and I don't ever like to talk bad about somebody's mom,

but she did you wrong on this one. She stuck you in the middle of it and said, you be the person that holds my lack of integrity. And I hate that she did that to you. But she did. I'm more, I'm duty, I don't have guilt, but I'm kind of duty-bound to do what my mom wants me to do. You do, but you also feel sick to your stomach over it because you're lying to your brother. I do.

Yes. I do. Yes. And so at some point, your duty to uphold someone's lack of integrity is going to smack into your integrous heart and your relationship, your honest relationship with your brother.

I agree. And so I think if I'm you, does your brother know about your cancer? Yes. Okay. And how is your cancer,

by the way? You good? I am good. I am good. I'm wonderful. My surgery went well. Excellent. That's so good. I was also told My surgery went well. Excellent. That's so good.

But I was also told not to take care of my mom anymore for six months to a year because of the extent of my surgery that I can't lift that kind of stuff. Sure. It's all good. I'm unable at this time to take care of my mom. You've done great stuff, and she's in a home now where she's getting the rehab care and the daily care that she needs, which is awesome. So if I'm you, I would not—this doesn't mean you have to do it today or in two weeks or in five months. I would call a sister with—I mean a meeting with all of your siblings and just say, I want to go over both mom's stuff and my stuff. And in that meeting, say, y'all don't know this, but mom changed some stuff in the will years ago. And I just met with her attorney. I'm going to

roll all this out to everybody so we're all on the same page. And you have to just have a grown-up conversation. Here's what you don't want to have happen. You don't want your brother on one weekend to lose his mother. If, when she finally passes away and then also find out that his sister has been lying to him for however many years and also lose a couple hundred thousand dollars in assets in the same weekend. That's devastating.

I agree. Right. So I don't feel I stole anything, but you absolutely did not. You didn't, you didn't steal anything, but in his head, mom told him this house goes to you. Right. And so he exhaled and said, great. Then she changed it on him and didn't have the courage to tell him because she wanted him to still think it was his, act like it was his, take care of it like it was his, all the while knowing, nah, it's not really yours. Right? And she put it on you to carry that around. Agree. That I agree with. And that's the part that's going to haunt you. Okay? That's going to haunt you and haunt you to carry that around. Agree. That I agree with. And that's the part that's going to haunt you.

Okay. That's going to haunt you and haunt you and haunt you. So as the, I mean, you're the, are you the executor of this estate? I'm assuming. Um, no, I'm not. Good. God almighty. Who's the executor?

My brother. Oh, geez, Louise. Well, this ought to be fun. So you can't even go to the lawyer and get it. He's got to go get it, huh? Correct. Actually, it's a trust, and we're actually all on the trust. Okay.

I mean, we're all, I'm the medical executor. My brother's financial executor. Okay. So how about this? To answer your ultimate question, in this situation, yes, I think your brother has a right to know. I don't know that it will be, it might be a shapeshifter moment for your family. It might not be. Since he's the executor of the will, it might be important to say, hey, mom told me that years ago she went and changed some stuff in the will, that she split the house among several of us. I think you should go check on that stuff as the executor of her

estate as we get here into the last year or two of her life. go check on that. And as an executor, he can go do that. That's what I would do. If you were the executor and could walk, and I guess if you're on the trust, but I mean, again, why would you be dinking around in the trust if you didn't have something to do with how it got changed and manipulated?

So the whole thing sounds messy. And the whole thing, I wish your mom had not have put you in this situation. It wasn't an integrous thing for her to do. She should have called all the kids together and said, hey, I'm making a couple of changes. I decided to split the house up among everybody, splitting the money up among everybody. But instead, she, again, she can do whatever she wants with her money. But when you do that behind somebody's back, I think the right thing to do is to tell them,

by the way, I've taken you out of this. I'm sorry you're in that situation. I just think honesty in these situations is the best, and it's going to cause problems. But hear me say, the problems have already been cast, right? That roll of the dice has already been thrown. It's just going to be when you all decide to look at the numbers that rolled up. And any time I see something coming down the road, kicking the can is never helpful. And I'd lean into that as soon as you can.

I think your brother deserves that. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea.

So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the homebuying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their Home Buyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress.

Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Diloni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. Let's go to Yo Joe in Los Angeles, California.

What's up, Joe? Hey, John, how you doing? Man, we are rocking on to the break of dawn, man. How are you? It is a, it's a day. It's a day. It's been one of those weeks.

Yes, sir, it has. It has. The world went sideways. Man, so what's up? How can I help? So like lots of folks, I'm trying to pick up the pieces. Some context, I had a brain injury a long, long time ago. It left me with some residual damage in my associated disconnects,

which I think you may know about. Long story short, I have very, very rare, but very serious, when they happen, outbursts that a lot of times people with brain injuries

do. What do your outbursts consist of? Self-harm, times people with brain injuries do. Um, but what are your outbursts? Uh, self harm, um, where I'll be hitting myself. I will, um, go into like a, a very, well, I would perceive in the moment, uh, I guess like a safe space, like a bathroom or like a closet or something. And I'll just start like yelling. I might not yelling, but like repeating start like yelling at my, not yelling, but like repeating at myself, you know, very angry things.

What, what unwinds you when you, when you hit that switch, what is able to bring you back? Silence. Knowing that honestly myself, since my brain injury, I've been to, you know, 20 plus neurologists, psychologists, family counselors, and I self administer, uh, not self administer, wrong word. I, um, definitely go through the process of even outside of my family, helping me, helping myself with doctors and neurologists

and therapists uh i've even submitted myself into clinical trials at different universities um a group uh which um i'm going to leave the name out but they're pretty well known in the brain world um right the brain scan world um been working with them, trying to narrow down what it is that's causing my outbursts. Can we stop for a second? I want everybody to hear this. And this is just, dude, this is just two guys hanging out in the back of a tailgate

on the back of a truck in a parking lot. I can't think of a scarier thing in the world knowing that at certain moments when I unprovoked and somewhat unpredictable, my own brain turns on me. That's a fear that very few of us walk through the world with. And man, I just want to say I'm sorry. I hate that for you.

You know, I appreciate that, but the way my brain works, I have a lot of issues with executive decision-making, which is why, honestly, the parts of my brain that were affected were the executive decision-making parts. What was the injury acute? What was it? I sustained a brain injury after hitting, getting hit by a vehicle. I was in a coma for a month, forgot, you know, uh, a lot of my life, uh, most of it, honestly, before the injury. And, uh, you know, a lot of, um, memory recall issues, but I also have this savant like memory, um, storage thing where, you know, I can, I know it's there.

The memories are there. I just can't access them. But then if I have a trigger, which is, you know, through different senses, sensories, um,

those triggers can put me to a near, you know, photographic state of, you know, being, um, but the, the issues of me,

um, I'm, I'm in a process or a path, you know, I'm going to get better. You know, every day gets a little bit, a little better. It's two, a process, a path, you know, I'm going to get better. You know, every day gets a little bit better. It's two steps forward and, you know, two steps back. But at least I know I can keep moving.

And eventually I'll break through that. But where my question is, man, I've been an asshole to my wife. I don't, for some reason, I have the ability to control myself verbally. I've never been a physical person, period, to anybody. But I've said some mean things in those moments. The outbursts only happen when I'm with either a family member or by myself. And again, they happen once or twice a year that I've had this since my injury.

It's gotten to the point where I break. Unfortunately, my wife is usually present when it happens. I've said things that I'm not going to get into details, but I've called my wife, bitch, and I've said things that mean, I mean, I'm not going to get into details, but I've said, you know, I've called my wife, you know, bitch.

And I said, I'm not going to say it on air, but, um, and I don't remember doing it and I'm not gonna, I, I know I said it, uh, I can't deny it. I don't know how to stop it. And it's not things I think of her. I stop things. I, but now I've been living in a hotel for It's not things I think of her. It's not things I... But now I've been living in a hotel for the last month or a week, sorry, not a month. Okay, so is she done?

It feels like it, yeah. When's your most recent outburst? It would have been about 10 days ago. Okay. And then I went to the bathroom, I turned the shower on and started hitting myself in the head. I, I don't know what happened.

Um, what triggered it? I think we had a very menial argument. Okay. Um, and then, yeah, I went to the bathroom,

started like not hitting myself, but just like doing, I guess, uh, nervous tapping, aggressive tapping. I'll say that. Cause it wasn't, I just like doing, I guess, uh, nervous tapping, aggressive tapping. I'll say that. Cause it wasn't, I know when I, if I hit myself, I'd never bruise myself. So I'm not like trying to kill myself, um, in that point or like leave lasting damage. It's just something that I do since my injury. I don't know why, So what is your wife saying? I'm out.

I'm done. I can't live like this. I can't be emotionally attached to you. And I understand that. She's not a therapist. She's not a psychologist. I met her when she was

a very young adult. Not very young adult. She was in her early 20s. Yeah, so. Man, I'm sorry, dude. And I don't know how to. So she lost the guy that she knew, right? Did she know you pre-accident, pre-car wreck?

No, no. So she's met you since then. So how long have y'all been together? Ten, a decade, yeah. Decade, man. Pre-car wreck? No. Okay. So she's met you since then. So how long have y'all been together? Ten. Decade. Yeah. Decade. Man.

Decade. We lived together for seven. We've been married for three. And when did the outburst begin? I mean, as far as I know, they were regular outbursts. When I had my injury, I was a teenager. And my parents, they had to put that in. But I mean, in your marriage, in your marriage,

how many times have you gone after her like you did the other day? Three times, uh, the way I did. Yeah. Three times, I think. And it's, it's, it, you know, I, I had a very good job. Um, very, very good job. We're actually a series of very good jobs. Uh, and then, you know, I had a very good job, very, very good job. We're actually a series of very good jobs. And then, you know, COVID happened and I lost the job. And I, this is the context that you're missing that I think you might not, I don't think I mentioned it, but, you know, I did try to kill myself a couple of years ago. And I don't ideate anymore. I know that, I know now because of all the money I've spent, you know,

on those scans in my brain that I know why I ideate. So I know like, at least I know it's not like some part of me that wants to kill myself. It's just in the brain. That's like, you're not working the right way. There you go. And it's overacting and a part of my brain that is saying,

Hey, hurt yourself, kill yourself. You don't belong here. Sure. But you know, um, so has, kill yourself. You don't belong here. Sure. But, you know. So has she been able to come back from that? That can be devastating on a relationship.

No, no. I've been along the first year feeling sorry for myself afterwards, you know, not trying to, well, not trying to even recover, just. And, you know, I was still trying to apply for work. I was still trying to apply for work. I was still trying to apply for different jobs and getting work, you know, and I had money saved up after my work, my, my job that I lost, you know, we were okay with money.

We were still able to take trips once in a while, but. So bring me, bring me down to, how can I help you, man? I know you got so much going on. I'm glad that you're getting the help that you need and you're surrounded by the best, you know, the best experts in the world. How can I help you, man? You know, I've been listening to the show the last couple of days and it's been honestly giving me the answers that I needed. But I think the first question I had when I initially called to see if I could get on the show was, how can I save my marriage? Like everybody, like so many people.

But now it's, I want to save my marriage. But I also want my wife to be with somebody. Not that she has to, she needs to be with somebody. She's a completely independent woman. And she's so amazing at everything she does. I want, I, I think I'm just looking for the inspiration to help the, the, the, you know, the, the, the good ending story where, you know, they, they still are in each other's lives and where she can trust me again because

her, uh, a former partner of hers did lose his life that way. Okay. So she's got a history of trauma too. And this is a story that she's seen play out, right? And in her mind and in her body, she knows how the story ends. And that's terrifying for anybody. Here's two things I hear. Number one, she took herself or you took yourself out of a situation

where I don't want to hurt somebody that I love and I think that's noble and good. What makes me uncomfortable is your language is shifting to she deserves somebody that. And what that language means is you are starting to view yourself as a burden to her. And when you do that,

you know what happens next. Because burden talk, relational burden talk is the last of the trifecta of why am I even here anymore? People would be better off if I wasn't here. And so I know you tell me you're done ideating and all that.

I don't like the trajectory of the language you're using. Am I onto something or tell me I'm crazy? You are. Okay. Yeah, you are. So hear me say this. I do think if you scared your wife, if you yelled and screamed

and got in her face and called her horrid things yeah and so and I do want to add you know everything's a progress and when we first met again I've never put my hands on her I've never put my hands on anybody in my life

but I would not I wouldn't understand certain cues and I would like, we would be getting in a very, you know, sometimes loud, we'd yell at each other, because neither of us grew up in environments where people talked to each other, like we're talking

now, even though we both were working on it. But, you know, I used to not understand social cues, like, oh, I can't, you know, corner my wife in a bathroom. So now what I do is I put my hands up in the air and I back away. So she kind of gets those cues. Like, I'm not trying to push you in the corner. I'm not trying to make sure, you know, like I, and I think I overstepped because I put myself into a place where I,

I look at myself like I'm a monster, like this monster, which I've never been a physical monster. I've never been. That's right. And listen to me. I'm not accusing you of that. No, I know. And we're not petty-toity.

We don't make fun of each other. We don't poke holes at each other. We just don't do that. Sure. She's never, ever done that to me. She's never. And I don't do that to her. We don't belittle each other.

Yes, she knows who she married, that the person she married. But she didn't. Well. She didn't do that to her. We don't belittle each other. She knows who she married. The person she married. She didn't know that. Hold on. 10 years. I was very high functioning. That's great. I showed no signs.

The reality is here's where we are. I do think that there is a chance that your marriage can be saved. I think there's a great chance your marriage can be saved. I also think that in this particular moment, a little bit of space between the two of you is a wise thing. And that's not, doesn't mean that the thing is over now. And you say things when you are having a brain storm is what I've known to call them, the neurological storm, when your brain's trying to talk to itself and it's not communicating with itself well. And man, when you have those storms and somebody's on the receiving end of that, it is wise for them to back out. Okay? That doesn't mean unplug forever. My oldest friend on planet Earth, the oldest friend I have, has traumatic brain injury. And I know by the emails I get, by the conversations we have,

I'm not even going to respond to this because he is storming in a way that makes him think that we are having a conversation that we had 25 years ago, 30 years ago, 35 years ago. And my best course of action is to unplug for a week or two. Okay. That's the best thing we do. And then I circle back and we're good. And he's got people in his life who love him and walk alongside him and care for him. And so it's very similar.

So what I'm telling you is it is wise and safe and smart for your wife to back out right now. You scared the crap out of her. And everybody in this world knows you didn't do that on purpose. Okay. You're, you're, you're walking through some things.

I, I, I don't know if I didn't do it on purpose because I don't recall these moments happening. Here's what I'm telling you. Listen to me. You didn't do it on purpose, Joe. Okay? Hear me carefully.

I also, and I appreciate you saying that, but I also, there are other people that are listening, I'm sure, that I want to make sure folks know that I don't see myself as a victim whatsoever. Joe, Joe, quit apologizing. You're a good man. You're a good man with some major challenges. Nobody's feeling sorry for you.

We're walking alongside you. I have a very specific question then. Okay, go for it. Here's the question. If I truly love someone, which I do, and I think that they, I think that they love me still, um, how they, I, the first half of our life together, I showed no signs of a brain injury. I was completely normal, like a typical functioning, normal person. Um,

and I'd say that, you know, we're still normal with brain injuries, just a little more difficult. All right. So the question is, you know, if she was not raised in this, she doesn't necessarily have that same foundation in that support network. I do. It's just true. I have family. I have friends. I have people all over the country that I could go to. I don't.

She doesn't necessarily have that same support group. Okay. Give me your question. And she also doesn't have, she doesn't have, she doesn't have an education. She doesn't have an education. She has an education in brain and neurology. She's not a neurologist. She doesn't have the training and she doesn't necessarily have the time.

Joe, get to your question. What are you telling me? How does she deal with me? How does someone like me give her the space and she respect? How does she just deal with me Here's how Your relationship

Is not special in this regard The particular challenge Within your relationship is But your relationship as a whole is not It's what me and my wife Went through It's what James and his wife went through It's what Kelly and her husband went through It's what me and my wife went through. It's what James and his wife went through. It's what Kelly and her husband went through.

It's what we all go through, which is I make a decision to lean in and say, I want to know as much about you as possible. I want to know how I can love you better. What are your turn-ons and not just sexual? What are the things that bring you peace and joy in your life? And what are the things I can do that contribute to the offs? Everyone has those in their relationships.

And the relationships that make it are the ones that remain curious as people grow and change, which we all do. When we find out new things, when somebody has been married for seven years and then they have a daughter and all of a sudden the trauma of their sexual abuse as a kid comes flooding back and nobody saw it coming. And the husband's sitting there going, I don't have any experience with this.

And he chooses to go get counseling himself, to go to marriage counseling, to go to trauma therapy so he learns the words, to take a local community college class for free or for 350 bucks or whatever it is to read every book you possibly can to listen to podcasts like this. It becomes a way of life because that way of life is love. Now here's what I'm going to tell you. If you love her, you will not take her autonomy away to love you back. That's not love. You can't preemptively say, I love you so much. I'm cutting this thing off so that you can't whatever, whatever, so that you don't get whatever, whatever. You don't get to do that if you love her. Love says, I'm going to walk alongside her as she chooses whether she's in or out. And if she chooses in, I'm going to go to her with her to the classes. I'm going to go to her

with her. I'm going to let her come to my appointments with me so she can begin to learn and get a context and have the psychiatrist and the neurologist and all the brain scientists that are walking alongside you look at her and say, when this happens, you need to call this number and he needs to leave the house for a day. That's part of life.

If I have a disorder where if I eat gluten and I vomit everywhere, if I happen to get gluten and I throw up all over the house, you know what I mean? Like, we have a plan now, whatever that happens to be. Your plan is exceptional. Let's be super clear. You've got a traumatic brain injury that sounds like it's been with you for a long time, and you are busting your butt to heal. Healing, though, can't be done in a vacuum. You can't heal by yourself, Joe. You got to bring her along with you. And you got to tell her,

I'm deeply sorry. I'm healing. You are walking alongside me from this point forward. I'm not doing this alone anymore. We're married. We're in this together. And if she says I'm out, that's a grownup choice she makes that will be heartbreaking and devastating. And it does not mean that it's all on you. It does not mean that somehow you failed. You've got challenges that you have to have somebody that walk alongside you in those challenges. Are they different? Yeah. Are they hard? Yep. The apology comes as I accidentally hurt you in a state of, that was directly correlated to my injury. I caused you hurt and I'm heartbroken.

I'm so sorry. Here's what I'm going to do to continue to work to get better. Please join me in that. Joe, listen to me carefully. You're worth love. The world is going to be worse if you're not in it. The world's better because you're in it. Your fighting spirit and your bravery will lift up your communities and the listeners of the show. And it's time to stop trying to protect her as much as allow her to walk

alongside you. Allow her to walk alongside you and keep grinding, keep growing, keep getting better, keep getting better, keep getting better. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you

so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, it was some hard calls and some long calls. Thanks for sticking with us. I know those were tough. Those were challenging. Man, so the song of the day is from James' favorite band of all time, The Smiths. The song is, There is a Light That Never Goes Out, and it goes like this. Take me out tonight where there's music and there's people

and they're young and alive. Drive it in your car. I never, never want to go home because I haven't got one anymore. Take me out tonight because I want to see people and I want to see life. Drive it in your car.

Please don't drop me home because it's not my home and I'm welcome no more. There is a light and it never goes out. Right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.