The Dr. John Delony Show - Mom’s New Boyfriend Raises Red Flags

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A man who’s suffered from social anxiety for most of his life - A woman uncomfortable with her mom’s new boyfriend - Why true connection will change your life To order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy To order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Lyrics of the Day: "Islands In The Stream" - Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. He has a really concerning past and current behaviors that are worrisome. I have two little sisters who are still living at home who won't even be in the same room as him. What past are you worried about? He's had three restraining orders filed against him. Oh, there's that. Lead with that next time, Kendall. What is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

So glad that you're with us. I know this episode is coming out several weeks after, but this is launch week for the book. I know y'all have been sick of me bringing it up every episode, but it's here. It's out into the wild. By the time you hear this, it will have been out into the wild for a while.

And the response has been, I don't even have words for it. I just went home and ate tacos with my family around our little island in the kitchen. Islands in the stream. That's where I sat and ate tacos last night because it's just a lot. And it's overwhelming for a little introvert who hangs out with nerds. I'm just so grateful. And I hope that this time, by the time this thing comes out,

I hope y'all are reading the book and starting to put some of those things into practice. And you're having some hard conversations with yourself, hard conversations with your spouse, or with your boyfriend or girlfriend. You're having hard conversations with your kids, having hard conversations with the therapist, but I hope you are on a path to create a different kind of world. But just today, just know I'm overwhelmed with gratitude.

It's even hard to, it's hard to even breathe a little bit. But Kelly has poison ivy, so it brings us all down to reality. I told you that because you get poison ivy like I do. You can see poison ivy and you get it. Well, I go into the woods and

I get surprised every time. I was in Texas this weekend for the football game that the Cowboys completely dominated, by the way. Who were they playing? They played the Patriots. It gave Bill Belichick his biggest loss ever. It just warmed my heart. My little black tiny heart.

Are the Patriots like a glorified high school team this year? Pretty much. But anyway. We will take it. Exactly. All day long. We stayed at an Airbnb and I had to, the door wouldn't unlock in the back like it was supposed to, so I had to go around the front. And I must have like somehow, there's some probably like three

blocks away that managed to get on my ankle. So here we are. Well, here we are. I know. Whatever. Funruiner.org.net. Hey, oh yeah, it's Questions for Humans. Listen, it's been a whole week and I'm going to try to sell you something else.

We got new decks for Questions for Humans for Thanksgiving, for Christmas, And we have a grandparents and kids deck coming out. The Thanksgiving one may be sold out by the time this episode airs, but go ahead and check it out. ASAP, if you want to get it. Here's the, here's the point. I want to give you a tool so you can go to Thanksgiving, actually enjoy your family and not talk about politics or whatever other nonsense uncle Jethro wants to talk about. So, all right, let's do a question. All right, yeah, we got one for the booth. Is there anything you'd like to accomplish

before the year is over? Oh, man. I set, two things. One, I want to continue, I won't talk about the ins and outs of this, but I want to continue to create some space for me to learn some new tools for interacting with my daughter. And we're doing that. And so I have like a benchmark in my mind. The second thing is I kind of have, not kind of,

I put an obnoxious dollar amount goal to earn through this year. And so we got to get hustling. I need to sell some books and some questions for humans. That's right. But that's, I mean, that's, those are two, one's a family goal and one's that one. What about you? Get rid of poison ivy? Well, I hope that's a goal this week, to be honest. Honestly, mine is I've got to start losing weight. I got a very, very, very stern talking to from my oncologist. I'm four years post-breast cancer.

And she was like, you have 40% chance. You lower your chances of recurrence by 40% if you lose weight. Why wouldn't you do that? Hey, can I just, can I say this? Can I applaud your doctor? Oh, I do. Yeah. Because that conversation is not being had across the country.

And I know that's hard, hard to hear. And I'm only telling you that because it's just a private conversation between me and you and a couple million of our friends. But like, I, good for, like, that's a hard conversation. Yeah. Right? And she said, you would kick yourself if cancer came back and you hadn't done everything possible. And I was just like, damn. Yeah.

It was brutal. But she was 100%. And I've known it. But she was just like, damn. Yeah. It was brutal, but she was a hundred percent and I've known it, but she was a hundred percent right. And you know, my cancer was quote unquote easy. And the fact that I didn't have to have chemo, but next time might not be. Yeah. And if I can do this, anything to, to save that off by 40%. Yeah. Okay. Let's talk after this because I circled back with my guys, and I'm on week three, and it's pretty – like this is the first couple of days that it's been pretty remarkable. Same team.

I'll walk you through what they told me because two guys told me two different things this time that – I don't know, whatever it was, it flipped a switch for me. Yeah, it's rough, but that's a goal. I know I won't lose it all by the end of the year, but to make some progress in that and to feel better about that. That's awesome. Good for you.

What about you, Uncle Joe? Well, she stole my thunder. She's not the only doctor that is all over, you know, got to lose some weight. Yeah. So the goal is to get below 200. Okay. And with the holidays coming up. Hey-o. It isn't going to happen some weight. Yeah. So the goal is to get below 200. Okay. And with the holidays coming up. Hey-o.

It isn't going to happen. Yes. We're choosing reality, aren't we? Hey, we're going to have a little meeting. We're going to have a little meeting because we're going to get this thing dialed in. And you're creating a human, so no losing weight for you. No, but my big goal that I'd need to start doing is like yoga, uh, because baby boys come in in February and I, I need to start doing

some walk-in and yoga, something to like prepare me for that. And also just to help prepare my mind mentally for what's coming two months later after the end of the year. So yoga is definitely something that I need to add into my routine. Can you actually prepare for this? No, no. But I'm telling myself. You can prepare physically. Like I think,

I've heard it said, the more exercise you do and the more walking, the more physically active you are, it makes delivery, it makes a difference. But like the, I got to prepare my mind for this. I just think like,

there's no way. You can't prepare your mind for that. There's no way because every birth is so different. Yes. Everybody's experience is so different. And I can talk to so many different moms that have done it and had multiple kids and they'll say every experience is different. So it's kind of more of like mentally preparing myself of what could happen rather than-

That's amazing. Yeah. I love it. We'll see. Good for y'all. Okay. We're going to get this thing down. We're going to get it down. We're going to get it down. That's amazing. Yeah, I don't know. We'll see. Good for y'all. Okay, we're going to get this thing down. We're going to get it down.

We're going to get it down. Nate Dogg? Yeah, I think that for me, I would like to be in the gym on average at least three days a week. Very good. I've had the past two weeks where I've been in there every day.

This week, I won't because I've just come back from a work trip and it's not going to happen. But on average, I like to be in there two days a week. Yeah, it could. It could happen. Oh, yeah. Nate Dogg, today. Let's do it.

Most of y'all, it's aesthetic, money. We're a shallow bunch, aren't we? I'm totally playing. No, this is about getting your health back. This is about planning for legacy and future. And this is about preparing to add to your family

and preparing to continue to be a better dad. And I think all these are really noble, good goals. I didn't hear one person be like, I just want to get some abs for spring break. This is like, you know what? I don't want to get cancer. I want to live. Spring break? We're adults, sorry. I don't know what person be like, I just want to get some abs for spring break. This is like, you know what? I don't want to get cancer. Like, I want to live. Spring break?

Yeah, exactly. We're adults. Sorry. I don't know what that is. Whatever. Whenever spring break is and you have your like pom-poms in there. Yeah, I'm heading down to South Padre this year.

Are you really? No. Yes, you are. I did that when I was 21. Let's go to Hartford when you were 21. They didn't have South Padre back then. Let's go to Hartford and talk to Robert. What's up have South Padre back then. Let's go to Hartford and talk to Robert. What's up, Robert?

Hey, Dr. John. How's it going? Partying, man. What are you up to? Not much. Just excited for this call. I'm excited to have you, brother. What's up?

Thank you. I appreciate it. So I'm calling because I wanted to get some advice on how to deal with my social anxiety. Ooh, good question, man. All right. So can I walk through it a little bit and teach a little bit about social anxiety and then we can walk through your particular situation? Of course, yeah. All right. So social anxiety, I want people to think about it as your body's telling you that you're not safe because you're constantly under surveillance.

You're being judged. People are examining you. People are watching you, right? In the nerd world, we call this a negative examination. The world is looking at you, and they don't like what they see. And you're never going to measure up to a particular situation. And in some case, like with social anxiety disorder, you can never measure up with other people. And that makes being around other people exhausting and excruciating. So am I with

you there? Does that ring true? Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Okay. And over time, you just get sick of being exhausted all the time. And so you end up slowly withdrawing or finding ways around groups of people or dealing with people altogether. Even if you have a skill set in an area or a passion in an area, it's not worth feeling like you're on display and that everyone's judging that display. And sometimes that judgment's real, like, um, giving a public speech or, um, I don't know, you're a physician, right? And you've got to meet in front of a bunch of other people. Sometimes it's not, it's a feeling that everybody's watching you judging your appearance or the way you walk or the size of your nose or how close together your eyes are, whatever. Right.

And then tell me if I'm onto something here here robert then over time you start getting anxious about being anxious yeah yeah definitely and then do you have what i call um i i call it the pad the post anxiety drama so you are anxious about this event. I'm so anxious. I'm so anxious. You go to the event. You think everybody's watching. Everybody's listening.

I was such a stupid thing to say. And then the next six hours, eight hours are just consumed with replaying and you judging basically like a film of what just took place. Yeah. Yeah. Like I shouldn't have said that. I can't believe I said that. I think they don't like me. I think that one person was really annoyed by me. basically like a film of what just took place. Yeah, yeah. Like I shouldn't have said that. I can't believe I said that.

I think they don't like me. I think that one person was really annoyed by me, all that. Does that sound right? Yeah, and then there's also the shame of like not wanting to be the person who cares about what people think. Yes. So that's like another layer on top of everything. Okay, and then there's shame underneath that too. There's a couple studies studies out that link,

uh, social anxiety disorder and shame. So landing with you, um, we have a pregame analysis. We have the actual, ah, and then the postgame analysis.

And during the pregame analysis, the pregame anxiety, there's that shame. Like, I don't even care what they think, but your body's like, you better. And then afterwards there's that shame. I didn't measure up. I feel it. I could tell. Yeah.

So let me ask you this growing up, who watched you or critiqued every move or made a negative analysis of you on a regular basis? Do you have somebody in mind or a group of people in mind? Um, I mean, that's an interesting question because I grew up in a very like loving household. I would say I never really had to worry about whether or not my parents cared about me or loved me. So I would, I was always kind of like an outsider at school. And so I would say if it was anywhere, it would most likely kind of like be from school. Let me go one layer deeper. And this is not an indictment of how much your parents loved you or an indictment of how good your quote unquote, your parents were, right?

What was the attention to detail like? Meaning in our house, everybody's shirt is tucked in there's a smudge on that shoe go change your shoes fix your hair this is ridiculous did anybody withhold um almost a sense of don't say that because dad's gonna get really mad if you say that a sense of holding up the the the family yeah that's a good question um thinking about it i would say maybe that existed like with my mom and um like with her like religious beliefs kind of um this is did it happen at a religious institution? Like this is how we act when we go in here. No, she's kind of like anti institution at home and read the Bible kind of thing.

Okay. So yeah, your body didn't have a picture of mom and dad going out and cutting it up with other people. Never. I mean, no, I, I don't really have any memories of them being together. They got divorced when I was like four and yeah,

they, yeah, I don't really have any image of like what that would look like. Yeah. So just an interesting, and again, this is about curiosity, not judgment. We would look like. Yeah. So just an interesting, and again, this is about curiosity, not judgment. We're not mad. Yeah. I just want to ask myself,

and you can do this off the call, right? And maybe spend some time writing it down, but I just want to ask myself, did I get any messages, either explicit, like, hey,

those people will hurt you, or implicit, like, no, crowds, that's where crazy people are. We're not driving after dark. That's when the drunks are out. Like, those kind of messages that we get that slowly close the doors to outside people.

And then if you don't have a model, my dad is a cut up. He's a funny guy. And my mom was always, they always had people over growing up and so i saw interactions i saw goofiness i saw people poking fun at each other i saw disagreements and so then when i saw that and experienced it at school i had a context for it right yeah if you don't have a context for it and then a group of people are like oh you're an idiot and there's no your nervous system can shut your body down, right? Especially coming out of a divorce. Yeah, it hits there.

Anyway, I think those are interesting things to flesh out, but it doesn't solve, it gives some context, but it doesn't solve where you happen to be right now. So let me ask you this. How does social anxiety play out in your everyday life now as an adult? So it kind of manifests in my body and I have all these physiological kind of symptoms when I'm in groups of people that don't really pose a threat, but my body will react as if it is like a major threat. Like my heart will start to race and I'll lose control of my breathing or I will, like my voice will start to shake and I don't want to present that anxiousness to people. So I hide from it.

And then that avoidance leads to isolation and loneliness. And you've probably heard me talk on this show about it. When your body feels anxious about something and you avoid that thing that it made you anxious about, it actually reinforces that anxiety alarm, makes it stronger. Right. Because it won, right? It got what it wanted. So the next time you're on people, it's going to ring earlier

and it's going to ring louder. And then you're going to avoid them again and then just be like, yes, safe again. Right? And all the time you mentioned, like you become really lonely and isolated. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

All right. So let me ask you this. What do you think other people are going to find out? Probably that what do you think other people are going to find out um probably that those those symptoms that I mentioned no no no beneath the symptoms we're not going to blame the symptoms those are the alarms right what's underneath that

what are they going to find out about Robert that I'm not comfortable with who I am or I'm not confident or I don't believe in myself. Okay. Underneath that. What are you not confident about that they're going to find out? That's a good question.

It's like when you peel the layers back, it's like, what is even there to feel that anxious about? Well, it's, they're going to find out I'm not confident. Okay. Yeah. About what? That you can't, and I'm just going to, like,

if I'm playing with a group of guitarists that are really good, I get anxious because I'm not great. I'm really good at rhythm guitar and I'm really good

at running around on stage. When it comes to playing the Weedle-E-D lead stuff, I'm not that great. And, but I can fake it, but when I'm around a group of guitarists that are really good, like my buddy Nolan, my buddy Will, like I'm not that great. And, but I can fake it. But when I'm around a group of guitarists

that are really good, like my buddy Nolan, my buddy Will, like I'm around those guys, I start getting a little angsty because they're going to find out I'm not very confident because underneath that,

they're going to find out I'm not very good. And if I've attached, I'm only worth hanging out because I'm this good, then my body's going to sound the alarms because I'm about to get excluded. I'm about to get kicked out of the group.

Right. Right? So underneath your lack of confidence, underneath your lack of, what are you afraid they're going to find out about you? Or let me ask it another way. What is so bad about you that if they knew it, they would be like, oh my gosh.

I really don't know. I'll be honest. I've tried to do a lot of reflection and figure that out myself, but like, it's hard to, it's hard to really know. I'm honest. Okay. What are you so nervous they're going to see? Um, weakness, I guess. I guess that's what those symptoms to me exhibit, I guess. So do you see how this is a ghost? Yeah, yeah.

You're nervous that they're going to see that you're nervous. So your body gets nervous about them seeing that you're going to be nervous. Right. The whole thing is a ghost, right? It's a ghost. It's very, very real, and yet it's not there.

My guess is there's something deeper, though. Okay? I've just done this long enough. The great Breneie brown says shame eats secrets for breakfast so my guess is there's some sort of secret some sort of something that you are afraid they're going to find out and you don't have to say that out loud here and you may not even know on the top of your head what the the top of your head, what that is. But your body is trying to protect you from them for some reason, okay?

So here's what we're going to do. And there's another question I want you to ponder. What is literally, very specifically, what is the worst that can happen? Right. Because when you walk down that road, usually it's, oh, nothing. Now, if you have social anxiety and the thought of public speaking terrifies you and your boss says, hey, you got to give the presentation at the board meeting, there's a consequence to that, right? You can get fired or they may be like, oh, my gosh, you blew it. That's for real. Hanging out with friends on the weekend may be less for real, right?

So it's going to be context dependent, but asking yourself, what do you think people are going to find out? What am I nervous for them to see? And what is the worst thing that can happen? Literally, very specifically. Are they really going to leave me? Good for them. Get out of my life.

I don't want them anyway. What is it about me that my body's trying to protect them from finding out about? And I think that's a question worthy of exploration for all of us. What is my body trying to tell me? And so here's the thing. These are little bits of CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, little bits of exposure therapy. There's some very clear clinical practices here. If you want to, Robert, to go sit down with a counselor, there's very

clear protocols for healing from this, okay? Okay. There is none, zero. There is no path void of discomfort, okay? Exposure therapy is about slowly opening the door a little bit wider and a little bit wider and a little bit wider. If you have a phobia of snakes, what they'll do in the first couple of sessions, you'll talk about snakes. Then in one of the sessions, you'll draw a snake. Then in the next session, you'll look at pictures of snakes. At the end, you're going to hold us a live snake, right? But we're going to slowly teach our body. We're okay here and we're okay here. We're okay here. Social anxiety will have similar things,

but here's what I want you to do. I want you to go today and I want you to spend a little bit too much money on it. Okay. I want you to get a journal of some sort and I want you to call it a nonsense journal or a alarm system journal. All right? And I want you to write down those thoughts as they start to spin. This will be a huge pain in the butt at the beginning. Okay? Just know that up front.

It's super inconvenient. It's like counting calories the first time. It's annoying. And you have to recalibrate your system. I want you to write these things down and begin to ask, all right, I'm going to meet with three friends and my body's already spinning up. What are you scared of?

Of looking nervous? Well, I feel nervous. So they're going to have to see that. Eventually you may get to walking in and being like, guys, I'm super nervous to even be here. I'm going to pull that bullet right out of the gun before it even goes off. Right. But we're not there yet, but I want you to begin to write down those things. And I want you to be really honest.

What is your body so scared for other people to see? Because here's what I think. I think you're a pretty good guy. Thank you. And I think you bring a lot to an organization. I think you bring a lot to a group of friends. And I think somewhere along the way, your body picked up some messages that aren't true, that other people aren't safe. Other people are what's going to harm and hurt you. So you got to avoid them at all costs.

And at the same time, that's like depriving your body of oxygen because we have to have other people to survive. So we're going to do that. And then the second thing is we're going to outsource some of then the second thing is we're going to outsource some of this to one or two friends that we really trust. Do you have that in your life? I have my brother. Um, and that's kind of it. Is he trustworthy? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to just put this out there on the show because, um, uh, cause it is what it is. I've talked a little

bit about having body dysmorphia most of my life, like being weirded out by like never being in shape enough or never having big enough muscles or whatever the problem is. Seeing something in a mirror that other people don't see. And so I know sometimes when that flares up, when I'm exhausted, when I haven't been taking care of myself, I'll put a t-shirt on and it won't feel right. And I'll look over at my wife and say, is this shirt okay to go outside? And she'll look at me and say, yes. And I have outsourced that to her.

I trust her implicitly. And I begin to feel what it feels like because my body's saying, it's not, you shouldn't wear this, shouldn't wear this, it's too tight, it's too small. Don't wear this, don't wear this. And she said, you look great. And so I'm going to begin to practice feeling what it feels like

when it actually looks great. And sometimes, occasionally, she'll say, no, not today. And I don't get my feelings hurt, I don't get mad. I trust her. And I'll go change my shirt. You see what I'm saying? I begin to outsource those things that are highly charged, highly emotional in me.

And so maybe texting your brother before you go meet with a group of friends. Say, am I crazy? No, man, go have fun. All right, cool. I feel a little bit nutty right now, but I trust him. I trust him. So I'm going to go hang out. And what we're going to start doing is practicing feeling that discomfort.

And can I tell you one big spoiler alert secret? Yeah. No one's watching you. And can I tell you one big spoiler alert secret? Yeah. No one's watching you. Yeah, I know. I know, yeah. Everybody's so obsessed with themselves and how they feel and how they look and what they just said

and what their hair is doing. Nobody's watching you. And if anybody is watching you, they're watching you out of defense, not offense. They're watching you to make themselves feel better. And God bless them. See what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, definitely.

I want you to protect against that shame that I shouldn't be feeling nervous. Go with your body on it because maybe you should. Maybe your body's working just right for how it was raised, how it was trained growing up. Maybe that feeling is right. Cool. That kept us safe when we were younger. That helped us navigate a divorce. That helped us navigate a mom who kind of closed the door to the outside world. Whatever that helped us navigate a tough school situation like you experienced. It's doing a job I'm not gonna feel ashamed about that. My body's working just as it should but I gotta teach you something new Because I want friends and I want laughter. I want community. I want goofiness. I want silliness. I want ride or dies

I want people in my life And that means i'm gonna have to be uncomfortable for a season while I work Into the storm head into the anxiety here um, I do again Reach out to head into the anxiety here. I do, again, reach out to our friends at BetterHelp. Reach out to a local counselor. There are some very concrete research-backed protocols for dealing with social anxiety,

and you can work through it if you choose to. But I also think you can start with a journal, with a close friend or two, or a brother in your case, and some very intentional, huh, what's my body trying to protect me from right now? What am I so scared they're going to find out? Often the answer is going to be met with a big smile. Nothing. I'm Robert. I'm going to go hang out and have fun. I love you, brother. Thank you for calling. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get

on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self

behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions

and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to the opposite of Texas, Anchorage, Alaska, and talk. Yeah, that's right. Anchorage, Alaska.

Let's talk to Kendall. What is up, Kendall? Hi, Dr. John. How are you doing today? Partying. What are you up to? Not much. What's up? Um, so I, I guess I'll kind of fill you in on what's going on and then ask my

question. Um, so my mom just started dating, uh, after 11 years since my dad passed away. Um, and my mom says that, uh, he makes her super happy and treats her well, but he has a really concerning past and current behaviors that are worrisome. And I have two little sisters who are still living at home who won't even be in the same room as him. And part of that is definitely the change of my mom dating for the first time, but they voice that they're not comfortable around him. And he hasn't shown much effort into getting to know them. And then the other part of this is he has a lot to gain from dating or possibly marrying my mom.

She's not super rich, but she has a lot of assets and he only has a car. So I'm just kind of looking for help. How old are you, Kendall? 22. 22. Okay. How old are you, Kendall? 22. 22, okay. How old are your sisters?

18 and 11. Okay. What was your dad's name? Ed. Ed? Was he pretty awesome? Yeah. You still have some good memories of him?

Yeah. How'd he pass away? Sorry. No, it's okay. Take your time. He had a random heart attack while we were all out hiking. Oh, man. I'm so sorry.

When I was 11. My goodness. And so my mom was left as a single mom with five kids after that. Jeez. Wow. And that's still right there at the surface, huh? You miss them, don't you? Yeah. It's been tough just processing through someone else being there. Yeah. Well, that's my first, that was going to be my first question. Sometimes red flags emerge

just because this new guy's not my dad. And my dad was freaking awesome. Yeah. And it's easy to look at, I was just talking to my buddy Jefferson this morning. When you're a kid, like I have a life before my kids, right? Yeah.

My kids don't. I'm their whole life. And now you're trying to wrap your head around who was your whole life and then this just fog that's been the last 10 years and then this guy shows up, right? So you know that inherently there's going to be some tension and weirdness there, right? For sure.

Okay. So you said he's got a past. What past are you worried about? So he's been married two times, which, you know, that's okay, but he's had three restraining orders filed against him. Oh, there's that. Lead with that next time, Kendall. What about with your daughter?

I mean, your sisters. What are they experiencing inside that home? So there's a lot of tension. A part of, I think, why they mainly don't is my mom gets really defensive of the boyfriend against my sisters. Okay. Which, since the restraining orders, he is sober, which is definitely something. But he also kind of acts like a child. Yeah.

Yeah, when the government has to step in and tell you to act like an adult, like a mature person, multiple times for crying out loud. I'll give you one if you have a bad weekend, right? But my goodness. Yeah. So why is your 18-year-old sister still living at home? She's a little slower to adapting to the world world i guess is the nicest way to put it um intellectually driver intellectually or she's just slow playing the world just kind of slow very sheltered okay um if your 11 year old sister if you offered to let her move

in with you would she do that She's already joking about moving out. I know, but she can't because she's a minor. But if she moved in with you, an adult, or one of your other siblings, you've got two other siblings somewhere? Yes. Okay. Would she be able to do that? If it came to it, probably.

Okay. Let's play this out that you and your sister sat down with your mom and you said, hey, I have invited little sister to come live with me and I'll get her to school and back. And I want her to just experience this. What would your mom say to that? Would she go, oh my gosh, never? Or would she say, I think that'd be best? She'd probably really freak out. He isn't living with her or anything, but I think she'd really freak out.

Okay. It might come to that level of seriousness if you have this much concern. A couple of things I want to caution you about, not caution you about, but just expand your scope of what you're seeing. Number one, it's not your dad. Right. Right. That's a big one. Number, and, and nobody can ever live up to the legend of that man that's in your memory, right? Right. Number two, um, he does have a concerning past.

He does. Very concerning past. And as you mentioned, it sounds like maybe he's putting the work in to make some changes. Yeah, my mom says he's going to therapy and he's trying to work through all of his past and his hurt. Okay.

The third thing is we're going to be very, very concerned about the safety of that 11-year-old girl. Yeah. And so, and you have no legal ramification at all unless you see something that is concerning, right? You hear about abuse. You hear about screaming. You hear about somebody punched a hole through the sheetrock. You hear about taking your mom's money, that kind of stuff. Absent that, I want you to begin being very, very intentional about creating a relationship with this 11-year-old. We go to breakfast every week, once a week, just me and her. Right. Right. And you're going to have to, as a 22-year-old,

you don't have to, you're a sister, but but sounds like you're super invested, which I'm proud of you. I want you to invest heavily in the relational side. That way, if anything pops up, you're the first call. Yeah. And you're a safe place. Your 18 year old sister, I think you need to take her out and say, Hey, it's time we grow up real fast. You're 18 years old. Yeah. This little, I'm just going to stay here because the rent is free because I don't have to drive anywhere. Those days are over now. You're 18 years old. Yeah. And maybe she pays rent to you and moves in with your apartment or whatever the situation is.

But I think those are the different situations I'm going to have with my sister. Right. Absent breaking the law and absent abuse, your 11-year-old sister cannot like this guy all she wants, but your mom's the adult and your mom's her guardian. Yeah. Right? And if he's following all of his probationary restrictions and he's following all the rules of his restraining orders, then it is what it is. Yeah. What you can do is strengthen your two sisters with your relationship and your presence, being a safe place that your mom maybe is not right now. Yeah. Does that sound fair? Yeah. And that's, it's kind of what I've been thinking. And I've just been, like, not mean, but very blunt with my mom about things.

Like, he came to the house the other day and he was like, anybody home? And the 18-year-old was like, no, go away. And he stormed out of the house and called my mom. This is over. I can't handle the disrespect. And da, da, da, da, da. Good. Good.

He should not be alone at home. He shouldn't be alone at home with an 18 year old girl. Yeah. And I think that's the conversation with your mom. Mom, he has no business here being alone with an 18 year old girl. Oh, he's not going to do nothing. He has no business being here alone with an 18 year old girl. It's not his daughter. Yeah. Oh, he's not going to do nothing. He has no business being here alone with an 18 year old girl. It's not his daughter. Yeah. And if he had any brains at all, he wouldn't walk in the

front door like that. Right. Yeah. And so, um, maybe the conversation with your mom is mom, I'm scared for you. Have y'all gone and just had like a lunch together, like a quiet, or is it always end up when there's a you all gone and just had like a lunch together, like a quiet, or does it always end up when there's an issue and it turns into a fight? I was thinking about taking her out. I just wanted to do this call first and pick your brain. But even when I talk to her, it's not like fighting.

She's just kind of like, oh, well, he's a good guy. So I think there's something to be said for, hey, mom, I can't imagine how like in the depths of hell lonely you've been for the last decade. And maybe say, I missed dad so much. This idiot on a podcast the other day asked me about her. Oh, no, I said I wasn't going to say I was an idiot anymore. This guy on a podcast asked me about dad, and I just started crying. I miss him so much.

Yeah. And say, Mom, I know you're so, so lonely, and I need you to know this guy makes me really uncomfortable. Yeah. He makes me not feel safe. And if you say he's great and wonderful and so kind and loving, okay. But I need you to hear me say, he makes me not feel safe. And I'm worried about my sisters.

That's a very different, that's you taking it as an adult woman, that's you owning your feelings, you owning the way you're experiencing this, not saying you need to be doing this and you need to be doing that. Because if you do that to her, she's going to have to fight you back. But if you sit down and say i have bad vibes on this there's a bad track record here i'm worried he's just trying to take your money i i just don't feel good about it and also god you must be lonely right both hand you're acknowledging the, the just mess that she's been in for so long. Right. And maybe tell her,

gosh, man, you know what? No one's probably told her in 10 years how proud they are of her. Yeah. Cause the day after your dad passed away, she had to go be a mom to five kids all by herself. And then the day after that, and the day after that, and then 10 years later, she's still doing it.

Yeah. And there's something to be said for holding your mom's hand across the table and saying, I'm so proud of you. Thank you. Yeah. Right? And sometimes when we're lonely, we go chasing somebody that will tell us i see you got value he may see that she's got value and assets right and things he could take from her or that she's a desperate woman and she'll you know she'll make out with him or whatever which

i know it's gross to think about your mom but she's a person too but he he may you know he he may want to see value other things but having but having her daughter, her adult daughter, sit across the table from her and just say, no, no, no, mom, I see you. But this guy makes me feel uncomfortable. That's a different conversation than having a big disagreement in the house or a big fight in the house.

Or he storms off and makes a call, then she's embarrassed, so she bombs you guys. This is just a different way to handle it. It may change nothing, but at least you know I did the right thing and I voiced what I was experiencing as an adult in an adult, mature way. And I treated my mom with dignity and respect

and yet I told the truth. All of that is to be commended. And continue to build relationships with your sisters. And hear me say, at the first sign of abuse, at the first sign of something's not right, let your mom absolutely know, mom, I'm calling 911. I'm calling the police.

I'm not going through you. I'm not going through him. I'm going straight to the authorities. I'm not going to have any wonky play in my house and with my sisters there. I think just let everybody know I'm Kendall, 22 years old, standing tall. I'm an adult woman. I've had a hard go of it. I miss my dad and I'm proud of my mom, but I'm drawing some firm boundaries in my life. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. Call anytime. Let me know how that conversation goes because I'd love to hear how your mom responds to that.

My guess is she may respond in a more receptive way than you think. Proud of you. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around.

But one thing you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself or you can connect with friends, with family,

a prayer group or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the

hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself, and sometimes you do this with a group and hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, hallow right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app. When you go to hallow.com slash Deloney, go right now and change your life. All right, we're back. So we're going to go with round number two. We've done a video series on

the six daily choices. If you aren't watching this on YouTube, it's worth checking out. We had some really extraordinary cinematographers and a film crew that came in and did a masterful job capturing some real-life conversations about the six daily choices. Today, we're talking about choosing connection. One of the most common themes I hear on the show is I got nobody. I'm so lonely. I don't know how to make friends. I don't even like the friends I got. The friends I have, they don't really know what's going on. My spouse that I share a bed with, that I share kids with, that I share a checking account with, he doesn't know. He doesn't know. And so in this series, if you're watching this on YouTube, check it out. If you're just listening to it on podcast, listen to a podcast

and then circle back some time and watch it with your husband or wife or your partner. Watch this and listen to it. This is the second daily choice of building a non-anxious life, choosing to live a life of peace. It's off the grid that is totally against culture right now. This is choosing connection. Check it out. So when I first started a podcast, I put a call out to people. Call with what's going on in your mental health and your relationships, what's going on with your kids.

People would call and they would tell me this really intimate thing or this really intense situation. My first question was often, why are you calling me? Call your friend. Have you talked to your wife about this? And without fail, every single person responded with one terrifying response. Man, I got nobody else to call. So here's what's wild.

We communicate with more people than any other humans have ever communicated in the history of this planet. We have more people in our orbit than ever before. And we are the loneliest generation that has ever walked this earth. And if you're like me, over the last decade, I have found myself communicating more and more and more. And my body's been feeling less and less connected. Communication is not connection. Technology, it's great. Where are you?

Who are you? How's your mom? But technology does not permit connection. For the first time in human history, we are tribeless people. We've pulled the thread on every one of the things that bound us together. We've pulled the thread on education

and on medicine and on politics. We used to lean on these important pillars of our society and they're gone. And we're left with these shiny little boxes full of people who hate the people we hate and who like the things that we like. And we're living in these splintered realities. And here's what's wild about how our brains work.

When your brain identifies that you're alone, when your brain understands, when your body feels and knows that your tribe has left you, it instantly divides the world up between us's and them's. It looks for people who are just like you in order to stay safe. We need an us and everyone else becomes them. You ever wonder why 40 year old guys get together

and they've been friends since high school and they just tell the same high school football stories over and over again? Because for most of us, that was the last time we were a part of something bigger than ourselves. And then we graduate, then we get out of the military. We walk across that stage and without warning, it suddenly in an instant becomes the world versus me.

If I make a sale, it's because you didn't. If I win, it's because you lost. And our bodies go to war. And you're busy at work, and you're busy at home, and you're busy keeping up with the Joneses. And now that we have smartphones, everyone is the Joneses. And we're running and running and running. And we wake up, and we're 33, or we're running and running and running. And we wake up and we're 33 or 41 or 29 or 55.

And we have no one. And this isn't me just spitballing. I'm not just making this up. In 2022, Ramsey Solutions ran an extensive survey across the country, just trying to get a state of people's relationships. What we found was devastating. 82% of people said the people they spend the most time with have no idea what's really going on deep inside.

Almost 70% have three or fewer close friends. Over 50%, more than half of the respondents said they did not have a single person they felt safe enough to call in the middle of the night if they had an emergency. Of course our bodies aren't letting us sleep. Of course our bodies don't want to be intimate. Of course our bodies all have digestion issues because they are trying to not die because we have no one. When's the last time any of us truly felt like we belong? A life of loneliness is a choice. Choosing loneliness is choosing to live a life of anxiety.

Choosing loneliness, to be honest, is choosing to die early. Loneliness has been implicated clinically and everything from heart attacks to cancer to dementia increases your risk for addiction, for suicide, for mental health challenges. And when you choose loneliness and you choose to die early, you're also choosing to take everybody else down with you because your kids are wondering, what was so bad about me that dad didn't reach out?

What was wrong with me? What was so bad about me that dad didn't reach out? What was wrong with me? What was so bad about me that my wife wouldn't tell me what was in her heart? Choosing loneliness is choosing misery. And you gotta hear me say this. You are worth so much more. And so where do we go from here? Where do we go?

What I'm gonna say sounds like flowers and rainbows and little blue birds fluttering around our heads. I get it. I know. The path forward, the path towards choosing connection is you have to choose love. I remember asking a buddy who was an active Navy SEAL, you'll love each other when you're out on deployment. He responded with a unique and special kind of love. It's a kind of love that will lay your life down for somebody else who will say, if not me, then who? It's a love that says all go first. It's a love about purpose. Love doesn't mean soft and love doesn't mean weak and love doesn't mean giving up your power and love doesn't mean having no boundaries.

This is rooted in neuroscience. Love calms the body, love connects. You are who you are in space and within your own body because you are connected or because you're disconnected, because you were loved or because you were unloved. So we have to understand that most of us don't have good models for connection. Most of us don't have good pictures for connection. Most of us don't have good pictures

of what love even looks and feels like. For most of us, love came at a cost. We got love when we achieved. We got love when we acted right. We got love when we made other people look good or other people feel good. And that's not love. When a body is loved, when a body is connected, the body can be at peace.

Otherwise, you are running around as an anxious, chaotic mess. Love is the foundation of a non-anxious life. It's the foundation of connection. You are fully seen, and you are fully heard, and you are fully known. And you're loved anyway. So what do you do if you don't have a good picture? You don't have a good model, but you know, you got to, I want you to think of love and connection as skills, things you got to practice, things that you don't know how to do, but that you know, you got to learn and make a new friends as an as an adult is the worst. It's the worst.

How can you ever recreate the friendships you experienced in your sorority, in your fraternity? You can't. Those are special and unique. The challenge isn't recreating what already existed. The challenge is building something new. Some practical steps towards connection, some practical steps towards love, show up.

Volunteer, go first. If somebody says, hey, I'm moving this weekend, just say, I'll be there. But the best time to start being a friend is right now. And the non-anxious person rejects loneliness. The non-anxious person pursues and chooses love and connection and friendship. You have to decide, however uncomfortable it might be, that you're not going to do life alone. There is no other way.

Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back. That was Choosing Connection. As we wrap up today's show, the song of the day is from the great Kenny Rogers Islands in the Stream featuring Dolly Parton.

What's Dolly's nickname? I don't... Is it like the queen of country music or something? Well, I think she is the queen of all things. She's just like the greatest human ever to live. Ever. Anywhere. Yeah. Better than everyone else that's ever been alive. When you talk to people in Nashville

that work with her and know her, they talk about her like she's the greatest human who's ever been alive. When you talk to people in Nashville that work with her and know her, they talk about her like she's the greatest human who's ever lived. She said happy birthday to me one time at a restaurant. Oh, yeah? Yeah. It was a big moment. It'd be so funny if there was this older woman right now just having brunch with her friends.

She's like, I told this lady I was Dolly, and she fell for it. Well, they were there doing her niece's birthday. We were at a nice restaurant, and then they brought me out. We were like a few tables over, and she walked over and said, well, happy birthday, honey. And I was just like, oh, okay. And then you instantly got poison ivy. Yeah, probably.

That was awesome. I would actually love that. That'd be cool. Islands in the stream. Baby, when I met you, there was peace unknown. I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb. I was soft inside. There was something going on. You do something to me that I can't explain. Hold me closer and I feel no pain. Every beat of my heart, we got something going on.

Tender love is blind. It requires a dedication. All this love we feel needs no conversation. I just have this picture of like a wood-paneled house and a fire and like a bearskin rug and like a dude with a real hairy chest just like saying these lines. We ride it together. Aha. Making love with each other. Aha. And he's got a cigarette. Islands in the stream.

It's what we are. No one in between. How can we be wrong sail away with me to another world and we rely on each other aha

from this line from one lover to another aha just a diggy but also perfect

love you guys see ya