The Dr. John Delony Show - My 12-Year-Old Is Looking at Porn

Episode Date: October 27, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode Adult son lives at home with no ambition...Should I kick him out? My wife repeatedly betrayed my trust; is our marriage over? My 12-Year-Old is looking at porn Lyrics of the Day: "Rainy Night In Georgia" - Brook Benton   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: enabling, family, workplace/career, parenting, disagreement/conflict, marriage, infidelity, divorce, sexuality/intimacy, technology/social media   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a woman who can't figure out how to get her 25-year-old son to move out. I have some ideas. We talk to a husband who's struggling in his marriage after an affair. We talk to a dad whose 11-year-old son is struggling with pornography. Stay tuned. What's up, everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, we are solving problems, taking care of your mental health, your physical health, not your physical health, actually. I'm in the middle of a book writing deadline. And man, yesterday I pretty much ate bags of licorice. I did take some breaks for some chips and salsa.

That's how I got my vegetables. Whew, rough couple of days. So, not feeling super great. No, I feel awesome actually. I don't look super great, but I feel incredible. But we are not talking about your physical health. We're talking about your mental health, your relationships, talking about everything on the show. And Sarah, can I just say you have the single greatest Instagram of all of America. It's the most lovely and kind. Every time it just

flashes up on my internet. It's so great. And you're super talented. You just hide back there. So good. Sarah edits the show and what makes it look like we just started talking. She takes all of my and stupids and dumbs and all the words we don't say on the internets and she takes them all out and makes it look like I'm a coherent thinker and speaker at the same time. And if you just thought it look like I'm a coherent thinker and speaker at the same time. And if you just thought, but you're not a coherent thinker and speaker, you should see this show before Sarah gets a hold of it.

So that's awesome. All right, hey, we got a couple of poems that people sent in. My favorite thing about America is that some of you still use pens and paper and stamps. God bless you. All right, here is an ode to Dr. D.

Here we go. I don't know who this is from. I'm just going to say it's from America. In a time that is weird and not very neat, Ramsey added a friend whose name rhymes with meat. I see what you did there. He's honest, he's funny, and awkward for real, but share your emotions and he'll help you deal.

He uses wrong words and irritates Kelly. Agreed. Calvary and cavalry make me laugh in my belly. Oh, Mr. Deloney, the king of horse noises, horse sounds. You're changing the world with advice that abounds. Well, I'll keep this brief. That's already pretty long. I have stuff to do.

Know that you're awesome. We love you too. It's from Kalina. Kalina? Makes my heart feel good, Kalina. Thank you. And one more poem. Somebody sent this in a card.

This is a fancy card, like a watercolor card. Hannah D. from Lafayette, Minnesota. I thought Lafayette was in Louisiana, but everyone needs another Lafayette, right? I hate video games. I really, really do. I've got

three under three in my home crew. You're probably drinking brew. We love to go outside and take the dog on walks and we have quite the collection of inside special rocks. What does that mean? Is that a drug reference or something? I think so.

And on this show, for the outtakes, we will teach you how to cook meth. We're working on making memories as a family together to give them a childhood. My kids happily remember a happy childhood often doesn't include special rocks, but I'm going to give it to you. Thank you, Hannah D.

This is lovely and wonderful. Hey, and Kelly, you sent an email last night. We have listeners in Russia. Yes, we do. Her name was Olga. Olga was rocking it. She had some great inside jokes about Dave, which cracked me up. She's just dropping some bombs on Dave, which is so good. Dude, we are worldwide.

We are. We're big in Russia. And what most Americans, I mean, most Americans, what most listeners don't know is my mom was recently in Russia. And I think she logged in and just sent that. But I'll take it. It's all good. She wasn't in Russia, but that's just logged in and just sent that, but I'll take it. It's all good. She wasn't in Russia, but that's just the story I'm telling myself.

Alright, let's go to the PHO NES. Let's talk to Kathy in Boston. Hey, Kathy, listen. Before we get going here, I'm an Astros fan, and if you're from Boston, they're about to play your Red Sox. By the time this episode comes out, we'll know

the outcome of this series, but I'm just letting you know. Just letting you know. Okay. I'm starting this conversation a little bit on edge, but that's cool. So what's up? Well, thank you for taking my call. You got it. And I have a situation at home.

My husband and I are both 52, and my son is 25. He lives at home. He's been unemployed for a year. He doesn't collect unemployment. And every time we try to get him out of the house, he refuses to leave. And he doesn't want to talk about his past situation with his last job, which I do know what had happened, but he's using that as an excuse to why he can't get a job that he needs to work things through. Why do you, what do you mean he won't leave your house? What does that mean? Well, we've tried to kick him out a couple of times because he really, um,

kicked off me and my husband. How do you try to kick him out a couple times because he really um kicked off me and my husband how do you try to kick him out like he's 25 year old man you tell him you put all the stuff in the yard you call the police well he doesn't leave the house so it's hard to get into his room and throw everything out kathy this is your house what i know he's your son. I know you love him, but it sounds like you're encouraging him to leave or you might get loud, but I feel like I'm enabling him. Yeah, absolutely. 1000%. Why doesn't he, why doesn't he work? What happened at the last job? Um, it's a long situation, but basically... Just in one sentence, what happened? He misread a girl's actions and he got fired for sexual harassment, but he did not, you know, nothing physical happened.

Okay, he got fired for sexual harassment and what does he do? What's his trade? What does he do for a living? What does he want to do? Usually he works in warehouses, but his dream is to be a writer, a director, and he stays at home and he writes. I mean, he's not just playing video games. I mean, he doesn't really play video games, but he's always in his room whenever I go in there. He's either writing, reading, you know, not just playing video games. So here's the thing. He wants... You know why he stays at home? Because it's comfortable. Because he can.

You know why he doesn't have a job? Because he can. Why he reads books as a 25-year-old and isn't contributing to your home or to his community or even furthering his career. Because he can. And my guess is there's no, not my guess is, there's no way this is new. How long have you guys been propping him up for? Probably since he was really little, huh?

Yeah, but he's always been pretty independent on his own. My daughter was the one who needed all the attention, but I mean, he's always, you know, he's always been quiet. I mean, it's just this past year has been, it's just been, he won't work, he won't get a job. My husband and I have tried to get him a job between my two jobs. But Kathy, he doesn't need one. He doesn't need a job. Why would he work? It would be insane for him to work. He has the greatest situation any 25-year-old not with a

romantic partner could dream of. Free food, free rent, he just gets to read books all day and write the great American novel or write a screenplay. He doesn't have to do anything. True. Like, finding him a job is

like a fruitless exercise. He doesn't need one. He's got everything taken care of. So what do you suggest? Oh, go ahead. Yeah. I mean, you know what to do.

I don't need to suggest anything to you. You have one of two options. You can continue just to support him. And then maybe one day his great American screenplay will come through. Probably less than one one-thousandth of a percent chance that happens because screenwriters are on set. Screenwriters are getting coffee for people. I've known screenwriters. People in the industry are in the industry. They are hustling 365, 24-7, and then they write at night. They are around films being made. They are around other writers. They have writers groups. They're sending their stuff. They're always in the middle of things. You want

to find people who are in the film industry? I work with some of them. They are all over the place. Sarah right here makes movies in the evening and edits them and cuts them. I mean, people who are in that and make it are doing it 24-7, 365. They're not in their mom's house and reading books. So he's not going to be successful doing this, but maybe. Maybe he'll send the email that the great agent opens and such and such. Or you can give him the greatest gift a parent could give him, which is responsibility, participation, and consequences. Accountability, that's love.

Right, that's what we want to give him. You don't want to give it to him. You want to want to give it to him. No, I do want to give it to him. I'm just afraid of making him homeless. You don't want to give it to him? You want to want to give it to him? No, I do want to give it to him. I'm just afraid of making him homeless. He might be homeless, but that won't be you making him. That will be a 25-year-old man choosing it. Do you see the difference? I do. It is not your responsibility if you're a 25-year-old man of a son chooses to be homeless at this point. Does he have mental health issues? Does he have physical health issues? No physical health issues, but mental

illness does run in the family. I mean, I have my bipolar and anxiety issues. My daughter has her issues. I mean, do I think he. My daughter has her issues. I mean, do I think he's dealing with depression? Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Millions of people are dealing with depression. It's been an ugly, ugly couple of years.

No question about it. But my guess is at some point a 24-year-old is sitting there staring at a warehouse and doesn't know what to do next, and then he just cashes out. Here's what I'm going to do. I want you to stay on the line. I'm going to send you something for free for him. I'm going to send you my friend Ken Coleman. Has a career assessment. He's got a new book coming out.

I'm going to send both of them to you for free. Okay? Oh, thank you. But here's the thing. You're going to give that to him, and then you're going to give him – well, I'm not going to tell you what to do because here's what's going to happen. I'm going to tell you, you need to kick him out, which you do, and then you're going to, and then he's going to be homeless and something's going to happen. You're going to blame me. That's what enablers do.

No, no, no, no. Okay. I wouldn't blame you. If it's my kid, he's out of my house in 30 days. He's out of my house in 60 days. I might even pay his first month's rent of his new one bedroom apartment. But he's got 60 days, 30 days, and then he's gone. And here's a couple of tools to help you find out what you want to do because you don't do warehouse forever. Maybe you do. Maybe you want to work up the supply chain. You're going to have to write your screenplay at night because you got to eat, brother, because I'm not feeding you anymore. I'm not paying your bills anymore. And Kathy, you know this. You know this, right? I do. I really do. And your husband, he knows this? Absolutely. So who's protecting your

son? One of you two is at the last minute goes, no, no, no, no. Let's let him stay another night. Who is it? Is it you? Me. Man, love your son enough to hold him responsible for his actions. He's a 25-year-old man. Now's the time. Okay. You feel resolved? In 30 days, I'll be throwing his stuff out the window. Hey, I've seen it where it gets ugly. He says, I'm not leaving.

And then he's going to call your bluff. And then you got to decide. Yeah, that's what he has been doing. Am I going to call the police? Are we going to take all of his stuff and have it moved out of your home? And actually, it's your stuff unless he purchased it with his own money. So if it's beds and dressers and things that y'all bought, it's y'all's. But at some point, he's going to call your bluff,

and you're going to have to decide ahead of time. So take your husband out, and you say, I'm sorry that I've been kicking this can down the road for 5, 10, 15, 20 years. It's time for our son to grow up. And I know it's hard, and I know there's a pandemic and blah, blah, blah. He's got to start grinding.

He's got to start grinding. He's got to start figuring out life. As my friend Henry Cloud says, what he's in desperate need is some problems. He needs some actual problems like hunger and shelter to get his butt in gear. He's got to go to work. And if you are 25 at home working on your screenplay and you don't have a job, go get a job. Figure it out. Man, it's frustrating. Frustrating, frustrating, frustrating. And I know it's hard, Kathy. Now's the time. You got to make your move, make your move. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is

the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves.

I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween

parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp H-E-L-P dot

com slash Deloney. Alright, we're back. Jack, let's go to not Jack, we're going to Paul in Denver. What's up, Paul? How we doing? Good, how are you? Man, we are rocking on to the break of dawn, brother. Right on.

So what's up, man? So let's kind of get straight to it. So my wife and I have been married for about 12 years. After the first year and a half, she had an affair. We ended up getting a divorce within about three months of finding out. But then we were young, ended up working things out, went through counseling, got remarried. Fast forward a few years later,

while I was at work, she packed up the kids, went to a family member's house. She was only gone for a couple weeks, got back into counseling, started working on our marriage ourselves, worked things out. And then about two years ago, I found out that while she was gone for those couple of weeks, she had been going on a couple of dates with a guy that she had worked with or was, was working with at the time. Um, and that's, I found out about that two years ago. Um, but that all took place about five years before I found out.

Um, so you have a thread of mistrust, your, your relationships built on a lack of trust, huh? Uh, 100%. mistrust your your relationships built on a lack of trust huh yeah 100 percent you know and there's there's been financial trust issues yeah right before i found out about this i found out that she had credit cards that i didn't know about she had borrowed money from family members to pay the credit card so i didn't find out about it um it's just It's kind of been one thing after another. So I guess my question is, I feel like I've forgiven her for a lot of it. I feel like I've set a lot of it down.

I still think about it, obviously. Sure. But in return, uh, over the last couple of years, I have felt more emotionally and physically disconnected from her. Sure. Um, she lies to you and cheats on you,

man. Your feelings are valid, brother. Yeah. Like, yeah, you're, yeah,

you're right where you need to be, man. This is a hard situation. Yeah. So I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to move forward because, you know, we've got two kids that's kind of watching us. We don't fight. We don't argue.

You know, we say we love each other. We hug. We kiss. You know, we, I guess, put on a front, if you will. And just trying to figure out how can I either get my marriage back on track or when do you call it enough? Man. Brother Paul, thanks for calling, man. This is a hard phone call for you, isn't it?

Yeah, more than you know. Yeah. Because I'm one of those kind of macho guys. I don't talk about stuff. That's right. I am too, bro. I am too. You're a brave guy.

I appreciate you calling, dude. I know I can tell in your voice you don't have this conversation very often with very many people. And so it's an honor, and I'm grateful for the call, man. And for what it's worth, you're going to help a whole, whole bunch of people who are in the exact same situation you're in. So bravery has got a ripple effects that can change hearts and legacies of people you'll never meet, brother. So thank you so much. So let's back up. High five to you for using the word set it down, for deciding I'm going to forgive her. I'm not going to poison myself because she made some bad decisions. And you've recognized, hey, man, I was young and immature.

I'm sure you contributed to mess inside your home. She's had some major integrity issues and some violations. I'm sure there was some give and take all through this thing. Is that fair over the last 12 years? Absolutely. All right. Absolutely. So one of the things that's hard when somebody cheats on you or somebody is dishonest with you is you got to look in the mirror and say, did I create an environment where somebody could be safe? Doesn't excuse what they did, but it's good to look in the mirror and be reflective and say, what did I contribute to this thing?

Did I set up a world where she had to go hide money because I blew up or I hoarded all the money or fill in the blank, right? So let's fast forward to now. You've been to counseling a few times, you got divorced, you gave another shot, you got remarried. And now you find yourself in a situation where you're being the one that's not honest.

Where you are playing husband. You're playing love. And, man, you are two inches apart but 2,000 miles away from that woman. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. So something about you thinks you are worthy of a woman who cheats on you and worthy of a woman who lies and puts your financial health at risk and is setting a

pretty dismal example for your kids what is it about you brother that makes you think this is kind of just the way this is honestly i don't know. I think I've kind of just held on to everything that we've been through, I guess, in the past. And the fact that I know I contributed to a lot of the... Not necessarily cheap, but that's one thing that I've never been. And I don't agree with it,

but I contributed a lot to pushing her away, I guess, throughout the years, whether it was working, drinking, going out with friends, maybe talking down to her at some point, I'm sure. So I kind of hold on to that to say maybe it's my fault, I guess, which is kind of sounds stupid in a way. No, I mean, it's not stupid, brother. I mean, you're taking ownership. You're being reflective. That's what being a wise adult who wants to heal his life. You know what I mean? So, man, that's not stupid at all.

It doesn't give somebody license to continually abuse you. And it doesn't give license for somebody to lie and put your physical health at risk, to put your financial health at risk and put your children's health at risk because you've messed up too. We all have. We've all said things we wish we could take back and we've all fill in the blank. The real question that we come to right now is this, what do you want to do? you feel stuck and I want to take the walls off, you can snap your fingers, what would you do? be done? yeah

say it out loud say it out loud I think I would be done if what? I start thinking about my kids and my kids' future. I got that. I got that. Here's the thing.

Your kids are absorbing that disconnection. They're absorbing the fake relationship. And they can't put their finger on it, but they know. And my guess is you grew up in a house like that too. You'd be right. And so your kids are going to absorb it, and that's what they're going to know. They're not going to know two people who are madly in love with each other and who have disagreements and who come back to the table and come back to the table and who are connected in their own weird ways.

They're going to know performance. They're going to know hug at the right moment and pursed lips, pet kiss at the right moment. And then dad goes upstairs or down in the basement and grabs a beer. And then mom gets on her phone. That's what their picture of marriage and love is going to look like. And if y'all are willing to both get in and root that out, awesome. But you don't trust this woman, and she hasn't been trustworthy. And my guess is she doesn't trust you either. And that is a recipe for ash.

It's fair. Is she trustworthy now has she changed uh yeah i mean i would say she's a completely different person um just the way she carries herself uh the way that she acts how involved she is um you know you've given me a bunch of performance attributes. Can you trust her? Yeah. I mean, I think that I, does she love you? Honest with you?

Yeah. Okay. But you just, sorry, I cut you off, man. Be honest with me. Um,

yeah, I, I do trust her. I do. Um, but there's, there's a, there's that doubt, right? Yeah. Because I trusted her before. And I was always that there's that doubt, right? Yeah.

Because I trusted her before, and I was always that person that said that she was one of the most honest people I've ever met in my life. And she was. In my face, yeah. Well, and here's where it blows up in your face, man. Because you don't trust you now.

Yeah. You don't trust her, but you don't trust yourself either. You don't trust yourself to not Yeah. You don't trust her, but you don't trust yourself either. You don't trust yourself to not snap. You don't trust yourself to not hide, to not stay out too late, not to have one too many drinks. You don't trust yourself to pick the right girl. And until Paul starts trusting Paul again, Paul's not going to be able to trust anybody. Are you a good dad? Yeah.

Have you changed too as a husband? Yeah. So why don't you forgive Paul? I don't know. You haven't forgiven you yet man are you worth it how do you do that you write yourself a letter dear Paul

I'm sorry I'm sorry that I wasn't the husband that I wanted to be I'm sorry that I contributed a mess in this home I'm sorry that I wasn't the husband that I wanted to be. I'm sorry that I contributed a mess in this home. I'm sorry that I don't trust myself anymore. I'm not sorry that I gave my wife a second and third and a fourth chance. I'm not sorry that I'm trying to be a great dad, but I'm sorry that I lost trust in you and that ends today. And then over the next two months, three months, six months,

when those moments of self-doubt creep in, you have somebody that you're going to call or somebody you're going to text, or you stand up and say, nope, Paul, you're a good dad and you're a good husband. And what happens is you practice that kind of language to yourself. You stop talking to Paul in ways

that you would never let somebody else talk to your neighbor. But you forgive Paul. And when you forgive Paul, you can continue to forgive your wife or you can set that brick down that you're not good, you're not good enough, this is what you deserve and you can demand better. When's the last time you just fell asleep at night

and slept hard without any sleep, anything, without a couple of beers? You just went to sleep. It's been a while. When's the last time you and your wife got to laughing so hard your guts hurt and then y'all ended up making out and it was awesome? I couldn't tell you that. Exactly. Listen to me very carefully. Your life is worth that.

You, Paul, are worth that. That's called joy. That's called peace. It's the last time somebody cut you off in traffic and you just started laughing instead of gripping the wheel so tight. The last time a politician said something stupid and you rolled your eyes

instead of your heart rate going up that's peace brother and you deserve that here's here's what here's just as guy to guy here's i'm gonna tell you you're not crazy for not wanting to put your hand back in the bag when you know there's a rattlesnake in there you've been bit a few times that's okay you're not a bad husband you're not crazy for not wanting to put your hand back in the bag when you know there's a rattlesnake in there. You've been bit a few times. That's okay. You're not a bad husband. You're not a bad guy. You're not crazy.

You've been cheated on. You've experienced financial infidelity. You've been cheated on several times, quite a few times actually. You're not crazy for having that little voice in the back of your head. Your wife has to understand that. That's part of healing. You also have to ask for forgiveness and you got to forgive yourself. If you haven't already, that's the next step for you, brother, is you got to sit down with your wife and say, I'm going to ask you to forgive me. And all you can control is you, your thoughts and your

behaviors. And so from this point forward, from today on, you're going to start talking to Paul as though he's a man of character, a man of integrity, and a dad doing the best he can. And a husband doing the best he can. Do I have your word on that, brother? Absolutely. That you'll start treating Paul with respect? Yep. Okay.

And then here's the only way forward, man. Is you and your wife go somewhere and you sit down and you look each other in the eye and you lay it all on the table, I'm struggling. We are not connected. We're playing house. And I want to dream about what this marriage could look like. And then we're going to pick the town and the home and we're going to backfill it, reverse engineer it. Here's what it would look

like every day to wake up and say, I love you. We're going to hold hands for five minutes, 30 seconds. I will put a note on the mirror in our bathroom every single day, seven days a week for the next six months, next two months. I will ask you what I can do to help you out today. And she will ask you what she can ask you. I mean, what she can do to help you. We're going to get that granular and we're going to decide to begin to practice desire. We're going to decide to practice dating each other again. We're going to decide that when negative thoughts come up, I'm going to be open about them. I'm going to be honest about them. And if you have those moments where you think, oh man, I didn't remember her having that purse.

And then boom, the alarms go off that she's borrowing money or taking money again. You get to ask, hey, are we still in the up and up financially? And she's going to say, yeah, baby, I'm with you. When she's out too late or she's checking her phone a lot and kind of hiding it, you get to ask, hey, are we still connected one-on-one? You're still with me, right? She can say, yep, I'm still with you. You're going to practice this thing step by step by step. And along the way, you're going to teach your kids what marriage and love and connection and forgiveness and gritty reality of it looks like. And you're going to look up two years, five years, 10 years, and you're not going to be a ninja couple. Or you're going to get four months in and say,

hey, I'm out. But you can't do marriage halfway. You got to be all in or you got to be out. What are you going to be man you ain't gonna hurt my feelings either way i'm going home to my wife my on my own you all in or all out i'm gonna go all in um and i feel like i i feel like I'm saying I'm going all in, but I still got the reality that I'm not going to be all in or feel like I'm not going to be all in. Man, I don't know. It's a lot.

It is. Paul, going all in doesn't mean your radar's not still up. Going all in doesn't mean you're naive and idiot up. Going all in doesn't mean you're naive and idiotic. Going all in says I'm going to be honest, intentional, and direct, and we're going to practice this thing until the ship turns around. That's what that means. Going all in says I'm going to stop beating myself up all the time, all the time, all the time.

I'm going to forgive Paul. If I have to say sorry to my kids, I'm going to say sorry to my kids. If I got other people in my life, I got to say sorry to them, I'm going to say sorry to them. I'm going to write myself a letter. I'll do it every day.

You're going to do something really tough, really hardcore, Paul. Get a journal and write to yourself. It's easy to lift weights and to talk crap at a bar. It's really hard to be honest with yourself. That's brave. That's yourself. That's brave. That's strength.

That's hard. Do that. Make the commitment, either in or out. And in doesn't mean you're going to stumble. You won't fall down. You won't screw up. You won't have bad thoughts. In just means I'm in.

Have that conversation. Take your wife out to breakfast. Y'all go have this hard conversation. Something tells me she's wrestling with this too. She's either halfway out the door or she misses you. Like the sun and the moon and the stars, my brother. Somebody's got to turn the lights on and make a call. Your move, brother. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, we are back. Why do I do that with my voice? I want to be in a metal band so bad, but I ended up on a relationship podcast. My 18-year-old self would be so unimpressed. We thought I'd have like a mohawk and lots of tattoos. I got a lot of tattoos, but they're covered in my shirts. I want them like sleeves. I was going to be so cool, everybody. And I got a parenting podcast, so here we go. All right, let's go to William in Dayton, Ohio, with my regular voice. What's up, brother?

How are we doing? Doing good, John. How about yourself? We are partying in here, man. That's not really true. We're not. We're just hanging out drinking tea. So what's up, man? Well, a little background real quick. I have two children that have come

into my home seven years ago. They're my great niece and nephew. And the nephew is now, well, he just turned 12. And we're having some disciplinary issues with him. And now he's starting even to dabble into pornography. So how did he end up in your house, man? Well, his parents were heroin addicts. And one night we got a call that they were going to be taken by children's services. So we said, we're in, we'll take these kids. What a stud, man. We're parents again. We were just about to be paroled from our kids and here we are again. We were just about to be paroled from our kids and here we are again. It's like you're empty nesters and then birds from above

just fell back into your nest and you're like, here we go. Hey, high five to you, man. Not by your hand but in your lap. A problem, a challenge dropped itself in your front yard and you married? Yeah. Me and my wife have been married now 17 years man y'all stepped

up and said come on in and good for you guys that's incredible where are is it your brother or your brother-in-law your sister it's my nephew's children nephew's kids okay my sister's son okay so yeah where are where are they how? Okay, the mother, we have no idea where she is at this time. But the father, he is recovering from heroin. He's been clean for a year. Wow. And we have slowly been introducing him back into their lives, but it's been extremely careful.

Good for them, man. You know. He's totally respected us as far as parents go. He doesn't try to jump up and say, hey, I'm their dad. I can say this and I can do, no, whatever we say goes. And he respects us for that. Wow. For that night.

That's incredible. That means you're drawing great boundaries. That means even through his healing and recovery, he knows y'all were there for him and for his kids. That's a family that speaks truth to each other. his healing and recovery. He knows y'all were there for him and for his kids. That's a family that speaks truth to each other. I mean, you're a model for folks around, so good for you, brother. Well, we've worked hard at it. Well, it is hard, man.

It's hard work. You've got to practice it. It's tough. So you have a now 12-year-old little boy, and then your daughter, how old is she? She is eight. Okay. So 12-year-old is into pornography. You say there's some disciplinary issues.

What's been going on? Well, I mean, I tell you that the boy will lie to you when the truth sounds better. You know? Yeah. You can't trust what he says. I mean, we're almost like helicopter parents to the extreme because now when he says something, it's your homework. Now we have to go back, check everything, make sure it's all done because then he's going to fall behind because it's not done.

Yeah. You know, and we've even, my wife even put together like a clipboard list of them things to do in the evening and in the morning, they can stay on task with their responsibilities. And you can say, Hey, did you do your clipboard? Yep. We did it. No, I didn't. You gotta, you gotta basically follow it around and make sure it all gets done. And I mean, we're seven years in and my wife and I were, we're very, we're very proactive parents. We're not the kind of parent that threatens and then doesn't follow through. We absolutely believe that a consequence has to come with a decision that they make, good or bad. There's something going to happen.

And we feel like if we don't follow through, then we become liars to the children and we're not going to do that. We're going to follow through. They know what's going to happen. And, you know, that's just the way we've always parented. But, like I said, right now, the boy, he's extremely intelligent. He really is. I mean, he was the honor roll last year, but this year he's decided to shuck his responsibilities. And, you know, we're not big video game people and stuff. We don't, we don't allow the kids to have free, they don't have cell phones, they don't have iPads and stuff. And if they do use ours, it's under very strict supervision. But, you know, he would get up in the middle of last, about a week ago or two weeks ago,

he got up in the middle of the night, bought the iPad, and we found him in his bedroom at 3 a.m. looking at porn. And I'm like, you know, and I understand puberty. I get all that, but I've tried to explain to him the dangers of what he's messing with, and we're about to have the internet just removed from our house. We don't need it. You know, I mean, it's just too dangerous. It's like having a loaded gun in the house. There you go, man. So number one, you nailed it. Like I, I don't begrudge a 12 year old for wanting to see naked people having sex.

Right. He's 12. Right. So I want to take off. He's not dysfunctional. He's not screwed up. He's absolutely plugged in normal. I don't, I don't, that doesn't get my heart rate up. Even figuring out a way at 3 a.m. to find it. You know, if, if back when you were a kid, if you knew your dad had a Playboy hidden somewhere in the house, you'd wait till 2 a.m. and you'd try to find it. Right. So that, that part, that part doesn't get my heart rate up. Here's where you have the, the have the great challenges that lies before you. A couple of them.

Number one, these children, their earliest memories, and when I say memories, I don't mean cognitive memories. I mean memories that have been encoded into their bodies, is one of addicts. Heroin addicts, opiate addicts who were present but not present and probably no one will ever fully understand what was going on in those homes. And the homes they were in and the homes that their parents didn't show up and they didn't come back home or they slept for three days, whatever that looked like, man, we will probably never know what those kids saw and or experienced. Right.

What they do know is that even when you're talking about a heroin addict, it's very similar to an alcoholic. Your mom can be looking you in the eye and be completely not present with you. Or she can disappear in the house, on the couch for a day, two days, or three days at a time. The word I'm getting at here that is encoded into your child, into the kids that you're raising, is disconnection. Yeah. And so your son found some pseudo-connection through performance.

He made the honor roll, did all the stuff. He's also finding disconnection through doing nothing because you still reach out to him. You're still loud. You still hold him accountable. And he's seen. The only way through this road, and it's going to be hard. You're talking neural synapse growth. It's going to take weeks and days and months and years,

is he has to understand that he is a being of value and he's got a participation role. The house cannot function without him. And he's going to have to learn the weight of what connection actually means. And for my dad, I knew that he loved me. And when he gave me jobs and I didn't do them, accountability and consequence look like X. Your accountability and consequence

is going to have to look different. Here's what I mean by that. Have you heard me talk about- That's not what I'm calling. Yeah, that's awesome, man. Hey, it's awesome. And hey, I don't get a lot of dads who say, I love my kid this much that I'm willing to... I've been running, you know, I was running the run and shoot

offense and it's not working, so is it a possibility we can run the ball, right? That's rare that a dad does that, especially a dad on round two. You know everything and you're still being humble enough to say there's another way here, man. So, I mean, I'm telling you, you're a model for dads out there. Good for you, brother.

Well, I thought I knew. No, I don't. I learned a whole new rule. So, here's what I did in my house. Okay, I'm just going to tell you what I did in my house. And you may have heard me say this before

and I'll say it a thousand times again, is I went to, and it sounds cheesy and it sounds lame. You can do this however it works in your house. When I was, when my kids were young, young, we did it one way. We're about to redo it and it will be a lot more funny and we'll be a lot more silly and winking at each other. We'll be a little more sarcastic about it, but the goal and the root is still the same. We went and got a canvas at like a Michael's or one of those craft stores, crafts, et cetera, one of those kinds of stores. And you can use a two by four.

I don't, I mean, not two by four, but like plywood. I don't care how you do it. But we sat together and we created the Deloney family values. Here's who we are. And the kids got to speak into it. We tell the truth. We all have adventures. We say, yes, we treat each other with dignity. We set up from the floor up. Here's who we are. Here's what it means to be a Deloney. And then what I realized I was doing is we'd be about to go fishing. Me and my son about to go fishing. He would not have done his chores or something. And then I'd say was doing is we'd be about to go fishing, me and my son about to go fishing.

He would not have done his chores or something. And then I'd say, well, we're not going fishing. And because you did this, I'm not taking you fishing. And what I did was I began to weaponize my relationship with him. If you don't do what I want, you don't have access to me. What I ended up doing now is I flipped it. The same consequence happens. If he hasn't done his things,

he knows that the house relies on a part of the house functions because he's in this family. And if he doesn't get his chores done, his stuff done that we agreed on would have to happen before we go fishing, my language, I point back to our values, and I tell him, dude, man, I'm choosing to be heartbroken today because you opted out of going fishing. You didn't want to go with me, and you demonstrated that by X and Y and Z. And what he learns in real quick fashion, I'm going to tell you, it changed our house

positively, is he grew to understand really quickly that he gets to choose his behaviors, he gets to choose his thoughts, and he gets to choose what happens next. Not me. I'm not weaponizing my relationship. I want to go. But he opted out. And when he's married, this is going to pay dividends. When he's going to college and he realizes, oh, I chose to get an F because I chose not to study. I chose to get fired from this job because I chose not to be on time. I chose not to fill in the blank. He's learning early on that he has a role, not that other people are just going to be lobbing grenades at him. So often children lie. They lie because they don't believe they can measure up, because there's a performative value to the relationship in their home,

or because they just get exhausted. They don't want to deal with it. They don't like the two-hour conversations, the over and over, the 20 questions, the 40 questions, the X and Ys and these. And so what I want parents to do who've got kids who are lying to them is really simplify your message. You can't talk. A 12-year-old can't comprehend all this stuff.

They're 12. They can't do two-hour, three-hour marathon sessions. They're 12. What they can do very simply is, hey, as a family, we said we don't lie. I hate that you chose to lie, man. Here's X, Y, and Z. Here's what you chose. Please consider choosing something else tomorrow because we love having you around.

In this house, we treat each other with dignity. You're not going to swear at the dinner table at somebody. You're not going to tell my wife that you hate her. And that's coming, by the way, as he figures out y'all aren't my parents. Those are my parents. I want to go home. All that kind of nonsense that's coming down the pipe for you. Man, I hate that you opted out of being with us.

I hate that because we love having you here. You're a valued member of this table. And so do you see how subtle this is? The same thing still happened, but you are letting him know this house rests on him too. He is a, not fully, he can't handle that kind of weight, but slowly over time, he's 12, 13, 15, 17. He has to understand, oh man, I've got strength.

This guy loves me. He's not gonna lecture me. He's not gonna try to talk to me all the time. But, man, he counts on me, and he leans on me, and I've got a choice in how this thing runs. Right. And here's where the final dot, dot, dot here, here's where this gets really hard for you.

He can opt out. He can opt out. And he's got to own those consequences. He's got to own those consequences he's got to own those choices but he can't own them until you've trained him on what owning looks like once you train him on here's what ownership looks like here's how this works

and remember you are regrowing this young man's brain because he's been through hell his body's been through hell he's never been connected to an adult he's been through hell. His body's been through hell. He's never been connected to an adult. He's done what they say. He knows they're bigger than him and more powerful than him, and they provide him food and a roof, but he's never been connected to one.

Yeah, I agree. It's like he doesn't really, there's a trust issue there, and I understand why. Yeah. You know, and we just try to keep building that bridge, but he has such a hard time of expressing he feels about stuff. He does not know how to put it into words. So here's what I want to give you. I've had people write into this show and tell me that they thought this was the stupidest advice, and it's been magic in their home with their teenager. I want you to try it. I want you to get a journal,

overspend on it, get something nice. And it's going to be just a communication log between the two of you. And I want you to write him a note, make a commitment to write him a note. It could be two sentences. It could be a paragraph. Every day I want you to write in there to him and you leave it on his bed. And his job is to write something back. It can be, don't want to talk. Thank you. Today was a good day. But I want you to write a couple of things that you saw in him that day that were great. Even if it's putting the toothpaste cap back on. Right. Whatever that is, but he can see it in writing.

He can hold it. It's tangible. And what an addict's kid does is they slough off the good stuff and they are hyper alert for the bad stuff. Where am I disconnected? Where am I going to get left again? And when you write it down on a piece of paper

and it's on his bed, when he goes in his room after school and he sees it, man, that's good stuff. That guy's still there. And his, the rule is you got to write back. He can't just read it and throw it on the floor. He's got right back. And his job is to find a special place in the house where he can put it. Your wife can set one up with him too. Maybe she does one with your daughter. And by the way, be vulnerable. Tell him, I had a hard day today. Work was tough. It was really, I didn't want to get out of bed today. Let him know what it's like because he's looking at you as though you're perfect and you're a drill sergeant and you are running the show. Let him know, hey man, this is hard. I'm tired. Sometimes I don't think I'm a

very good dad. Sometimes I want to be better for you let him know those things and he's not going to think he's crazy if he will 30 second hugs every day my son's almost 12 30 second hugs every day I ask his permission I don't like grab him and say no

and he's like oh but we do it and it's big time. You think, how can we slowly build connection? Doesn't mean you let him off the hook. Doesn't mean that you don't hold him accountable. You got to do those things. Doesn't mean you don't quote-unquote punish him.

You got to do those things. But the punishment is letting him know, you opted out. I hate that. Hate that you made this choice. Please consider making a different choice tomorrow because I want to go fishing, man. I want to go fishing with you. This house needs you. Please consider rejoining us, man.

And then that night in that journal, so grateful for you. I love you. So glad that you live in my house and that we get to spend this time together. So glad God brought me to you. Evoke the cosmos, brother. And then William, be grateful, graceful with yourself. Be graceful with yourself, man. This kid's got a hard row and his head

and his heart are different than yours and mine. I say, I don't know if you grew up with addiction or not, but he's got to learn what connection looks like. And man, if you get to a place where you got to take the internet out of the house, so be it. You could probably just take the iPads and lock them up in your room,

put them under your bed or something like that. I don't know if you got to take the whole internet out, but you're right. The internet's like having a loaded gun in your house. That's a great analogy, man. And good for you for being vigilant. Good for you for being vigilant, man. Don't beat your 11 or 12-year-old up for wanting to see naked people.

That's normal. Your job is to stand in that gap and take away as much access as possible. And by the way, you can tell them to dads everywhere. You can tell your 12-year-old, you know what this is doing to your mind? And it sounds like the teacher on Charlie Brown. Naked people are awesome. And 12-year-olds just stop figuring that out. Somebody just walked through the lobby

and I said that, and they just looked at me like, ah, this show got off the rails. Yes, job is to stand in the gap for your 12-year-old. Access. It's your job to stand in the gap and prohibit that, man. Make sure they can't get a hold of it.

I know it's everywhere. I know it's at school. I know it's on their friends' phones. Not in my house. Thank you so, so much for the call, William. All right, as we wrap up today's show, song is submitted by Dawn. Uh-oh, now we're getting dicey.

We're taking caller submissions. Oh, Dawn. Oh, Dawn here. Dawn. I love Dawn. She's so great. The song is written by Tony Joe White. We got a three-namer.

Recorded by Brooke Benton. The song is Rainy Night in Georgia. And it goes like this. Hovering by my suitcase, trying to find a warm place to spend the night. Heavy rain's falling. Seems I hear your voice calling. It's all right. A rainy night in Georgia, a rainy night in Georgia. Lord, I believe it's raining all over the world. This is the most Georgia song I've ever heard. It referred to Georgia eight times and said, Lord.

Neon signs flashing, taxi, cabs, and buses passing through the night. Lord! I believe it's raining all over the world. Thanks, Dawn. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.