The Dr. John Delony Show - My 15yo Daughter & Her Boyfriend Are Sexually Active

Episode Date: October 15, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode I'm overwhelmed by the weight of needing to provide for my family From Paycheck to Purpose - Ken Coleman Just found out my 15yo daughter & her boyfriend are having sex I feel like I'm spending too much time chasing my career Take Back Your Time - Christy Wright Lyrics of the Day: "Africa" - Toto   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: parenting, family, money, workplace/career, sexuality/intimacy, kids   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show we talked to an awesome dad who's working three jobs to support his family but he's not connecting and he's exhausted. We also talked to the mom of a 15 year old daughter who's having sex and she doesn't know what to say to her. We talked to an exhausted mother who's trying to balance and doesn't know that balance is a myth? Stay tuned. What is up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. We're taking on the world.

Not really. We're not very tough. We are taking on the world. That just sounded cool, but we're not really. Hope you're doing well. On this show, we talk about mental health, wellness, parenting, relationships, marriage, everything, friendships, all of it. Give me a shout if you want to be on the show at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Be on the show.

Leave a message at the tone old school style at 1985 and Kelly will listen to the message and give you a shout back or go to John Deloney dot com slash ask and James we have to talk about what happened this past weekend I'm still trying to

come down off the high and the disappointment of losing. We didn't win, but our metal band, we rocked it, James. We rocked it until the wheels fell off. I think we only started with two to three wheels. As somebody in the crowd with both hands up, give us a spectator's part of the experience, Kelly. It was freaking awesome.

It really was. I mean, for those that don't know, this is my era. I was a hair metal girl, an 80s rocker, and it just warms my heart to hear James singing the songs that he pretty much has turned his nose up at for like the last eight years because he only likes bands no one's heard of. So to hear him sing in Motley Crue and Guns N' Roses and Def Leppard just, you have no idea what it did for me.

I think it made us closer. It did. There was a moment when James came to practice one day and he's like, hey guys, we're going to do this Metallica song. And I thought in my heart, oh no, we broke James. And I told Kelly that. I said, Kelly oh no, we broke James. And I told Kelly that. I said, Kelly, I think we broke James.

And she said, yes. And we rebuilt him back stronger. He's like the bionic man now. Yes. Yeah. It was so phenomenal. Y'all were great. And I had so much fun.

James, hey, just so you know, James brought the thunder. Number one, I'm not going to beat this into the ground, but he was straight up rocking a Gibson, which was incredible. But dude, you were all over the place, but he was straight up rocking a Gibson, which was incredible.

But dude, you were all over the place, man. I've never had that much fun playing music before. You were up on the, like way up on the speakers, climbing up on stuff. It was incredible. I've watched James at Battle of the Bands now for, you know, off and on for eight years,

and I've never seen him like climb up on the speakers and do all that kind of stuff. It was great. I'm usually a shoegazer, so I think I came out of my shell. Yeah, usually just jangling your Fender Jazzmaster, just thinking about sad poetry about your dad. And dude, man.

The power of Def Leppard. I'm telling you. James, there was a moment I looked over and I was just smiling ear to ear, because that was a lot. That was super fun. James had this dope wig on. It was incredible.

Anyway, but we lost to the guy who runs the whole business part of my world, Cody Bennett. And let's be honest, he rocked it. He had some 90s country, and he pretty much rolled the whole place up like an old joint and smoked it. He was incredible. He was really good, but I'm going to be filing some voter fraud charges. 100%. Well, on Zach's band, what were you guys doing?

Partying. I strongly disagree. I don't even know what happened. I don't know how to say train wreck in Spanish, but if I could, that's what I would call it. But it is what it is. Voter fraud, fake election. What else can we call it? We'll start a new podcast series where we dive into all the finer details of Battle of the Bands drama.

Dude, that's genius. And especially the voter fraud. That's my subtle way of telling you, let's move on with the show. That wasn't very subtle. I appreciate that. All right, let's go to Jermaine in Columbus, Ohio. What's up, Jermaine? How's it going, Dr. John? Dude, we're rocking on, man. How about you? We're doing well. It's a beautiful day. Excellent, man. What's up? How can I help? Yeah. So first I just want to thank you and your team for the work that you all do. I love the book, Redefining Anxiety. My question is, you often speak about the importance of sleep, um, and, and, and regards of mental health. But, uh, you know, I'm, I am a father of, uh, four kids under five and, uh, we are in it, huh? Yeah. So we're, uh, you know, I'm also, you know, trying to become financially

secure and debt free. And so I'm working a lot of hours and that eight hour sleep is not possible. So what are some tools of sleep or quality of sleep is maybe not an option because of the mission that is in front of us. Okay. So walk me through what a day looks like for you. You married? Yes, I am married. Okay. So walk me through what a day looks like for you. You married? Yes, I am married. Okay. So walk me through what a day looks like for you and your spouse. Well, right now, um, my spouse, uh, does stay home and so she, she manages the household and, uh, you know, I, I get up around six, uh, go to my day job. What's your day job? I'm in transportation or logistics.

It's a desk job, which is fine. What are your hours in that job? It's a 40-hour week. You said you get up at 6 to go to work and you work till five. That's way more than 40 hours. Well, I wake up at six because I'm getting ready that the kids are up. So it does take me a little bit longer, um, to, to get out the door. But I typically start at eight, eight to five. Then, uh, in the evenings I, I work another seven hours between two other

part-time jobs, typically. So I was doing my schedule this week. I'm at 90 hours for the week as in what is planned. So you are trying to get out of debt big time, right? Yeah. Y'all are all in it. You got four kids under the age of five. Your house is a hurricane. Your wife is working 90 hours a week. She's working 150 hours a week.

And you're working 90 hours a week. So I just want to stop the presses right now and high-five you. Okay? You're not afraid of hard work. You are not playing woe is me. You have a goal and y'all are trying to do everything you can to get out of this financial hole you're in. How much debt do you have?

We have just over 60 grand. And that's just, it's a, a la carte of, of different things, but it's definitely a target we can hit. What kind of debt is it? It's, it's, some is like credit line, student loans, and that's, it's between credit, like a couple credit cards and a car payment. Okay. And at the rate you're working, how long do you until you pay this thing off? Right now, it's two and a half years. Okay. So you're thinking about working 90 hours a week for two and a half years.

And when you say you get off at five o'clock, then what happens next? Well, to be fair, I'm driving straight to my second job. So there's commute times that are included and not the 90 hours, but there is a commute. When do you see your kids? Well, thankfully, you know, with my day job, I can work from home every other week. Okay. I take advantage of that so I can be present. I still try my best to show up for my son's soccer games, and I've been able to make that happen so far. Okay. And so I, you know, especially with the work-from-home option, I'm able to still be present.

Some weeks, you know, there are some days it seems like, and in the mornings I'm there when they wake up. So they see me every, but that is also a factor. There's some stretches where it's just like, hey, hi, bye. What are these other two jobs you're working, man? They're also like, I guess guess like one's delivering pizzas or working at a pizza shop. And the other one is, uh, packing boxes with smiles on them. Okay. Very cool. So is there a possibility, and I'm just shooting the dark here before I get into the sleep stuff. Is there a, what do you make delivering pizzas? Give me a monthly guess.

Well, that one, I just picked that up. And the reason why I just picked it up is because it's closer to home. So half the week, I don't have a commute time. And it's a hybrid. So I'm in the shop, like an assistant manager role, and then on the road. So I don't have a good, solid number right now. And I apologize for that.

No, don't apologize, man. It's cool. Give me a guess though, brother. I would say, sorry, I'm kind of analytical. So I'm not, I don't have enough data

to say yes, but to give you a good guess. So why'd you take the job? Well, to get closer to home, I need to make with, you know, my extra, my extra side job, I'm able to make a, bring home like an additional 650 per week. So that's, that's between the two side jobs. That's the goal I'm aiming for. Okay. And so it was about another $2,500 a month? Mm-hmm. On top of?

Yeah. Okay. And so then you get home and you crash. You say you work another seven hours. You work until what, midnight? Sometimes, like, well, actually like zero two. Okay. And then you're getting up at six o'clock and doing it all over again?

Yep, between 6 and 6.30. I'm not perfect with that. Okay. You should be perfect. I'm just kidding, man. It's all good. You're, like, beating yourself up, dude. How long have you been doing this?

Well, that's also another factor. I've been up at this tempo probably for a year. On and off, I need to be more... It's probably inconsistently three years, but we've added more children to the mix, so it seems like we keep starting over. How much do you make in your day job? Like 45

annually. I've been interviewing and trying to improve that. And that's the big opportunity right there to solve is to increase that dollar amount. So here's what I'll tell you. I've led teams

of I'm trying to think what even I'll tell you. I've led teams of, I'm trying to think who even my last one was. I think it was 12, 13, 14 direct reports who then had their own direct reports down through the student employees, hundreds of people in the division that I was responsible for. And what I'll tell you is,

I would bend over backwards to hire somebody like you based on your work ethic alone. You are not scared of work. You want to take care of your family. You want to take care of your kids. You are not afraid to bust it, bust it, bust it.

And I think that you can be making more than $45,000 a year. Okay, so this is not why you called. This is just a side note. I would love for you to connect with my buddy, Ken Coleman, and go through his, he's got a new book coming out that's incredible. In fact, I'll give you a copy of it. Stay on the line when we get done, and I'm going to have Kelly send you a copy of Ken's new book, From Paycheck to Purpose. It's got a lot of tools on figuring out what it is you do best and then how to get paid for what you do best. Okay. You've got the desire in your soul, man. And that's such a rare thing. I want you to get a bigger shovel to get out of this mess. So then getting to the mess,

the same as when you look at, and by the way, for people wondering, what does this have to do with relationships, mental health? I am a firm believer, firm believer. If you owe somebody money, your body registers that as a trauma because you are not in control of your life.

You are not safe if you owe somebody money because they get to dictate what you do every day. They get to dictate where you live because they're dictating how much you have to pay off every month. You're not in control of where your paycheck goes because you're paying for last month's stuff to try to get ahead. And so one of the basic mental health 101s is to solve for freedom. Where am I not safe? Where am I not in control of my destiny? And if you owe somebody money, you're not safe. If you owe somebody money, you're not in control of your destiny. So that's why this matters. And I'm really grateful that you called. Just like a math problem, when you've got to live on a budget, right, and you are overspending your budget, it's the same with sleep. You are in fight or flight right now.

You are, as Dave Ramsey's buddy says, you're being gazelle intense. You're trying to work three jobs, run as fast as you can to get this debt paid off so y'all can breathe. Is that right? Yes. Okay. When a gazelle is running for its life from a lion trying to eat it, it will twist an ankle. It will crash into things. It will get soaked and wet.

It will get cut on sticks and rocks, and it keeps sprinting and sprinting. The goal isn't wellness. The goal is to live, to survive, okay? You're there right now. I think you have put undue pressure on yourself because you're making 45 grand. I want to see you make more money than that. But right now, you're in a season. The math on sleep doesn't change. If you're not getting seven to eight hours sleep,

you're not going to be your full self. And what I'll tell you is over time, you're going to get a net negative return. You're already there, by the way, a net negative return on your mental health, on your physical health, on your work productivity, on your ability to be a dad and a present husband. I will also tell you for a year, for two years, man, two years max, hit the gas on it. But after that, man, you are going to run smack dab into the wall of physiological reality. And that can look like taking a couple of days and only working one day job. That can look like getting a new job. That can look like several different things. But brother,

you've got to be connected to your wife. You've got to be connected to those kids and you got to sleep. You got to move your body. And you know those things, right? Yes. That's the challenge. I know that, but I also know what the numbers look like. So it's that, like, the duty to make sure I take care of, and I know within two or three years, as long as we have no more children. You know, there's a couple of different things y'all can do there. We're researching it, yes. Don't even have to researching it, yes. Don't even have to research it, man. It's pretty straightforward.

No, I understood. But I know that, you know, it's not going to be, you know, sometimes some days it's still like, man, this is the next, you know, because there's always going to be expenses. You know, just even having, you know, our son plays soccer or go to school, there's just all kinds of hidden expenses that come with that sometimes. Especially with the first child going through, we're being exposed to that. And then thinking about college and things down the road. So, you know, but there's been times where the reason why I said in the previous years, I've had to hit stop in the second job because I just couldn't.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't hit gas anymore. That's right. Like, you know, I've had to hit stop in the second job because I just couldn't do it. I couldn't hit gas anymore. That's right. Like, you know, I was in a fog. So two things. One, you are running like mad, and I don't feel like your destination is solidified. You've got some ideas, and one of the ideas is sprint like crazy another one of the ideas is we want to be have no debt we don't want to owe anybody anything the rest of it feels still kind

of fuzzy and so how can you balance being a dad being present and at the same time, grinding and grinding and sprinting. And how can you balance getting a new job that pays you more money? How can you find if there's pizza? What I'm telling you is you can't do four hours for that many more years. And you've experienced it. You know that, right? Yes. What I don't want you to do is to begin to think about college, to begin to think about, I mean, you got to think about those things. But right now you are running for your life.

And if you're running for your life and you're also wondering, huh, what if we're going to put a back deck on someday? Dude, you're going to crash. You'll crash. So here's what I want you to do, okay? I want you to get with your wife. And y'all may have done this recently, but I want you to get with your wife and take stock of the last 12 months. How much debt have y'all paid off? How much money have you actually made with these other jobs?

What kind of job would you have to get? Would it have to be a $65,000 a year job, a 75 to make up for the two incomes of the two jobs you're running and gunning with? What would it look like for her to pick up a side hustle? And I know you've got four kids. I get it. Is that possible? But I want you to reverse engineer where you're going and not just run wild. Gazelles and deer, when they're running away from a predator, they run in a direction. They run towards safety.

They run on a path. They don't just run haphazard all over the field in figure eights until they just collapse and get eaten. Again, your kids are lucky to have you, man. They don't just run haphazard all over the field in figure eights until they just collapse and get eaten. Okay? Again, your kids are lucky to have you, man. A dad that is just leveling up, leveling up. I'll do anything it takes to pay this debt off, to give them a future that I didn't have, to take care of them. I'll do anything to put food on the table, to make sure they're playing soccer, going to college.

Good for you. Good for you. Good for you. I want your path from where you are now to debt freedom to be a much straighter line. As my old track coach, Zoe Simpson, used to say, the fastest place between point A and point B is a straight line. And I want you to level out that energy. And the same as we can't change the math on a budget and how much money you make and how much debt you have as we can't change the math on a budget and how much money you make and how much debt you have, I can't change the math on sleep. You can gut it out for a season. And I recommend people do that. If you're solving for safety, I recommend you gut it out, gut it out, gut it out, gut it out. But you can't do that for three, four, five years. You can't sprint like

that. You can't sleep going four hours of sleep, five years. You can't sprint like that. You can't go on four hours of sleep for that long. Your body will break down. The science is just super clear about that. You got to exercise. You got to see sunlight. You got to be with your kids. And you deserve that, man.

Your family deserves that. Everybody deserves that. So get with your wife. Let's get some real numbers and some real articulated, and then let's work backwards. Come up with a game plan. Brother, you've got this, got this, got this. This is going to, we're going to straighten this line out and man, you got to sleep. You got to sleep. You got to sleep. All right. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right. October is the season for wearing costumes and masks.

And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves

behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self,

I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy.

You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with Better Help. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Hey, before you keep going, I'm just curious if you've ever watched the Discovery Channel

because that's what you described, gazelles running around in circles until they tire out and get eaten. Yeah. That's literally exactly what does happen. They run all over the place and they tire out and get eaten. That's literally exactly what does happen. They run all over the place and they tire out and then the cheetah eats them. So I think your metaphor

still has merit, but I just wanted to clear up some of the you're such a pro-science guy and you're not really. Kelly, I'd like to congratulate you on your new promotion. You are now the senior producer of the John Deloney Show. Before you say that, we were laughing about it because you were wrong.

That's exactly how nature works. But listen, is there not – I've seen deer in the woods, and I spook them when I'm hunting, and they run in a laser straight line away from me. It's not like there's base somewhere, and then if they get there, the cheetah can't eat them. They just run for safety. This show sucks. I hate this show. I'm listening to a new podcast. Deer are different than gazelle in the savannah. They just run until hopefully

the cheetah finds something else to do. Hang on a second. Hey, Jermaine, we're back. Are you still there? I am. Evidently, I'm an idiot. Here's the thing. During the break kelly and james told me that uh gazelles just run in circles until they get until they get eaten they deserve to not be in the gene pool moron animals they just run in figure eights and loop-de-loops until the lion catches them. Is that really what happens? I mean, not all the time,

but a lot of times cheetahs run for a long time so that they tire out the animals. Yeah, that's kind of how it works. Now that we don't have band practice anymore, we'll get together and watch some nature shows

and see how it works. Well, you just made this weird, James. So, Jermaine, forget everything I just said and I'm just going to tell you, you need to get some sleep, dude. At some point, you got to get some sleep.

Do the ROI. Is the pizza job that you're making every month worth that much sleep? Just do the ROI on that. And never, ever watch a nature show ever again. Okay. And hopefully the next podcast you call into, the guy will be smarter on how hooved animals escape predators. Y'all are the worst. Not you, Jermaine.

You're my friend. Hey, if there's any openings when you're looking for a new job, holler at your boy, dude. I'll send you my email address off on the internets, and I'll be your coworker. We'll wreck shop wherever it is you're going to get a job at. These two guys. All right. Hey, have a good one, Jermaine. Stay in school. wherever it is you're going to get a job at. These two guys. All right. Hey, have a good one, Jermaine. Stay in school.

Don't do drugs. All that stuff. All right. We're going to go to Mary and see if I can do a better job with Mary. Hey, Mary in Tacoma. What's up? Hey there. I love how y'all rouse each other so much. It's very entertaining.

It's not entertaining. Listen. Listen. Evidently, James got his doctorate in zoology over the weekend after our band failed. And particularly in animal GPS-ery, animal movement. Animal, I don't even know what you would call it. What do you call that? Animal travel?

Common sense? Common sense? Common sense. Oh, here we go. Here comes Kelly with her wisdom. All right, Mary, so what's up? How can I help? Please, no talking about animals. Let's move on.

Okay. We're talking about people now. Good. A couple of weeks ago, my 15-year-old daughter just seemed like I was the only one still awake. Everybody was asleep, and she came in the kitchen and started crying and was, you know, just saying that she was overwhelmed with school and all her sports and everything. And, you know, just not kind of uncharacteristic of her to be like that. But she does have sports every day and school's a heavy

load now that they're all back in person. And we kind of talked a little bit about that and got through that. I just said, hey, is there anything else that's going on with you? And she goes, yeah, there's some things I need to talk to you about. And I was like, well, let's go sit down on the couch. Hey, you knew it was coming, didn't you? I on the couch. Hey, hold on. You knew it was coming, didn't you? I think I did, yeah. You did. You super, I know it's coming, and I wasn't even there. Okay, so hold on.

Just for every parent of a young kid, you're about to get the reverse talk, which is, it's a worse nightmare than the original talk. And is your heart racing like put everybody in your head in your body when this was going on um I think I expected this conversation at some point but not this near this thing and how old again I am kind of like freaking out a little bit but I I was like, okay, we're going to, we're going to, we were, we were standing in the kitchen. So I'm like, we're going to go sit down.

Everybody else is asleep. We can have a good time right now. And completely dark in the house, 15 year old daughter, 15, 15. Okay. Okay. Okay. And just to prep everybody for what's about to come is that she's been dating this boy who we really love for probably about nine months. And she proceeded to tell me that they have had sexual intercourse. And I maybe wasn't expecting that part. Maybe I was expecting just, hey, we've done some things.

And I'm so glad that she feels open enough to even talk to me about it, right? Yeah. Hey, before we go further, I just want to pause there. That tells me that you've got a great relationship with your daughter. So high five to you. That's a big deal. Um, one of the, I think we can all, it's, it's a mirage. It's a, it's a, it's a myth.

It's a fantasy to think that our kids are going to get through any middle school, high school college without challenges. And the greatest gift you can give your kid is the gift of trust that when they find themselves over their head or underwater, they'll reach out to you. So good for you. That's awesome. That's years and years of you being a trustworthy person that she came to you. So that's great. Well, and I, yeah, like I said, I just feel so fortunate that that is the case. Cause you know, I mean, I don't think I would have ever had the guts to talk to my mom about that when I was her age, for sure. I've got two kids and me and my mom still don't talk about that.

So, yeah, I mean. Well, no. I mean, well, that's kind of a generational thing. Yeah. Actually, we do talk about it way too much in my family. But anyway. Okay. So you're in the, I'm trying to set the stage of what's almost a Lifetime movie. So it goes from reaching out in the kitchen to an in-the-dark conversation

and walk me through what she's telling you here. So she tells me that and she said, you know, I feel like she goes, you know, I think we need to talk about birth control. And I said, well, yeah, that does come along with sexual intercourse. And I said, but let's kind of backtrack a little bit because, A, I want to make sure that you feel safe with this person. And then I also want to make sure that you're not being pressured into doing something that you're not ready for. And she was like, no, I don't feel pressured at all. And then that really just kind of sends off alarm bells because I'm like, I kind of wanted her to feel pressured, right?

And she, it's not that she seems fine with it. I think more than anything, because she said to me later, she goes, I'm just worried you're going to think less of me. What was your response to that? I said, honey, I would never think less of you. I said, I think more of you because you've come to me to talk about it. Yeah. That's awesome. And really, we just kind of talked through, and I've had this talk with her before, just because even before the boyfriend, my parents never had open conversations with me about sex. And so I was like, I'm going

to be different with my kids. And I said to her, you know, when she started high school is that, you know, you may become interested in boys and they're definitely interested in girls. And we kind of talked about all the things that can happen. And I don't want you to ever feel pressured. and also talked about what a big deal sex is emotionally and how it really takes a maturity. And she, you know, asked me a lot of questions about when was the first time I did. Were you honest with her? I was totally honest with her. I had just graduated from high school, and yeah, I was probably still pretty immature at the time. But I guess that's why I never dreamed I'd be having the conversation with her this early.

So how can I help you? So moving forward, I mean, you know, the main thing that I made clear to her is that, and I didn't say this directly to her, but what I was thinking in my head is that. You just said that. Here's what you just said. I made this super clear to her. I didn't really say it, but you know what I mean. This is my head, I'm thinking to myself, you know, you can always, I just said to her, I said, if you ever feel like this isn't working or

that you don't want to be doing this anymore, you don't have to do that you know you can step back and and if this boy isn't into that then he can hit the road and she was she was like mom I know that and she goes and I just want you to know that my boyfriend has has been so respectful of me and and never pressured me. And, you know, of course they think they're in love with each other as we all do with our first boyfriend or girlfriend. And I'm just so worried about her heart being broken even more. I just know for me, once you put sex into the equation, it changes everything. So, Mary, I know you know this, but your 15-year-old's a child. Yes. I mean, she doesn't even have a freaking license to drive a car.

And that's where it's going to go. As a society, we've all put our heads together and said, you know what? 15-year-olds are too young to even drive. Yeah. 15-year-olds are too young to buy cigarettes. They're too young to buy beer. They're too young to buy guns. Like we've put these restrictions on children because they make decisions based on connection.

They make decisions on what feels good right now. They make decisions that aren't thought out or wise. And that's why they desperately need parents. And this puts you in an incredibly awkward position because the whole thing is predicated on trust, right? Right. predicated on trust, right? And we often back trust up to, you promise you won't tell, and you promise that you, it's two things. One, you promise you won't tell, and you promise you'll stand by with whatever it is I'm doing. And anything beyond that is perceived as a violation of trust. And what I would say to you as a parent and to any parent dealing with this is to go one

step beneath this conversation and look at your child reaching out saying, will you please help me? Will you please protect me from myself? And that is a level of trust that is not going to be at the forefront of a 15-year-old brain, which is why she's got a mom. And it's going to feel yucky in the moment, but the thing she desperately needs is her mom to step up and be mom. Not best friend, not older sister, not, we'll make good choices. 15 year olds can't make good choices because they're 15. You know what I mean? I completely agree with you. So I just need your advice on the best way to direct that aside from forbidding them to see each other. You know, as you said, I want to maintain that level of trust with her. And the reality is, is that

both of them are going to be driving in a few months. And if they continue to date, then, you know, I... So I'm going to, I'm going to tell you something crazy. All right. Okay. And this fits in, I've had this conversation with atheist sex, secular, um, researchers. I've had this with super Jesus freak counselors and pastors and everyone in between 15 year olds, too young to be having sex, 16,year-olds too young to be having sex.

16, 17-year-olds too young to be having sex. Yeah. They can create a human. They can, I'm not going to go through the risks. We all know that stuff. We're all grownups here. The risks are immeasurable. And we don't let them take this type of risk with anything else.

And so what trust is going to look like now, what parenting is going to look like now, is going to feel like a violation to a 15-year-old. And it's going to be something that comes along down the road when your kid circles back and says, I'm so thankful that, fill in the blank, that you cared enough about me. And it will be hard and it will be tears and it will be you promised and I can't believe you. I hate you. It'll be all that stuff.

And there's seasons when that's what parents have to take. Yeah. But I have not met the mental health professional, secular, faith-based, atheist, lunatic, and we all know lunatic mental health practitioners. I haven't met the one that's like, yeah, 15-year-olds, that's great. That's cool. Just make good choices. I haven't met them because they're children. They can't make those kind of choices.

And so if my 16-year-old kids are in that same boat, they're not driving. I'm taking them places. The same way as if I knew they were sneaking alcohol or they were doing drugs or they were fill in the blank, any other risky behavior that a 15-year-old or 16-year-old or 17-year-old

doesn't have the brain capacity to deal with. And you and I both know what adult sex, how much that complicates stuff. It's complicated in marriage, much less, you know what I mean, trying to figure out what your body's doing. And so all I have to say is there is, you've heard me say before,

you know, not by your hand, but in your lap, your baby girl so gracefully came and dropped us in your lap. And I want you to hear it both as an honoring of their parenting up until now and a deep cry for help. Okay. And it's going to be so hard, so hard. There's not an easy way out. I'd recommend calling his parents. He's too young to be having sex. He's 15.

Yeah. And bringing everybody in on it, and your daughter will go bananas. You know what I mean? Have you talked to him about it? Yeah. I have not. Okay.

But I do know the parents. We're getting to know them better. You're about to get to know them real, real well. Well, yeah, yeah. And here's the thing. You don't hate your kids. 15-year-old, sex is awesome. 15-year-olds, they're being 15.

You know what I mean? So they're not bad or broken. They're 15. And then suddenly they found themselves over their heads. Yeah. And that's why they need us to step in. No, and I do think, I mean, it's, if I bring his parents in, I mean, it's really going to only help strengthen that.

They're a great family, strong ties with their kids. From what I know of them, they're great parents, and just good people. And so, you know, I know it's not like if I go to them and to their son to talk about it, that they're not going to, you know, brush me off and say, you know, pound sand. And here's the thing, even if they did, even if you knew that was coming, who cares? You can only control you, right? And so if they're going to tell you that you're an idiot, I can't believe you're calling us.

They're just kids. Let them have fun. That's your decision. And then it's your daughter to protect. It's awesome that they might potentially partner with you on this. The big thing here is to make sure your kids don't feel dirty or gross or that they're somehow evil. You know what I mean?

And they may internalize that and feel that great. And here's the other thing. If they want to have sex, they'll figure out a place to do it. That's true, right? They can get pretty creative. Your job isn't to, I don't know, you don't create a police state. At the same time, I'm going to do what I can in my power to make sure my kids are safe. Yeah.

I'm going to make sure they're safe. And 15-year-olds having sex are not safe for 100 different reasons. Yeah. And so does this surprise you that I'm saying this? Or did you know this was coming and you wanted me to say something else? No, I mean, really, you are just a reinforcing voice that I need to hear. And I think part of the issue is that things are really crazy in the state that I live in, as you may be aware. For example, if I take my daughter to the pediatrician, I can only come into the room with her permission.

That's right. At 13 is when that starts. Yeah. And so, I mean, you know, she could have just gone to our pediatrician and never told me anything. And so, you know, I think about that. And just hearing what you said, I mean, it reinforces what our family's values are. Not only that, but also where I need to take it from here. And so, you know, I mean, yeah, I want to be supportive of her and know that she knows that we love her no matter what, but at the same time that our job as parents is to keep

her safe. Yeah. That's a line that I use in my house since my kids were born in anticipation of this very conversation someday and multiple other ones, but my job is to keep you safe to the best I can. And I can't keep you safe for forever. Two things that I hear a lot from parents in this situation. One, like you mentioned, I was sexually active as a teenager too.

And either a, it was awesome. It was fine. Nothing happened or B I was pressured to do stuff I wasn't comfortable with and I don't want to talk to my kids about that. And so either way, your shame, your bad experience, or your guilt that you kind of, it was kind of awesome. And here we are in a different, it's a different planet with cell phones and everyone's got cameras. The whole thing is at another level. Same as like, I've heard back smoking weed in the seventies was one thing smoking weeds now with the high power. It's just different. Things are different and understanding that we're in a different planet. And I tell you what, if I'd had a cell phone with camera as a 15 year old,

I would be forever unemployable forever. You know what I mean? I would, it would be a whole different, I can't even wrap my head around that. That's number one. Number two, you're right. You live in a state where middle schoolers can go in and leave their parents out of medical decisions. That doesn't mean you stop parenting or throw your hands up. And you do keep that relationship. And if your daughter wants to move off the grid in that way, and your state supports that, there's all kinds of other conversations y'all need to have about where you live and what your values are. Most of the time, most of the time, kids default to that connected relationship. And they will kick and scream against accountability,

but deep down they go, oh, thank God I'm safe. I'm still wired in here. And that's why it's so important not to shame your kid for wanting to be physically active with somebody. Of course they do. It's awesome. And that's why they need parents that are going to love them, walk alongside them, and say, I'm putting up boundaries because you're 15. And yeah, if your daughter goes and gets birth control from a doctor

and sneaks it behind your back and you never find out about it, there's not a whole lot you can do about that until you do find out about it. And again, I'm not suggesting a police state. I am suggesting a heightened level of awareness and a heightened level of parental involvement and making sure every parent's on the same page. And I'm not going to leave my kid alone in my house. I'm not going to go out of town and let them stay at the play at my house I'm gonna I'm gonna be more present a lot more present all under the guise of I'm gonna keep my kids safe I'm gonna keep my kids safe I love you too much to let you get over your head and or underwater or the same thing right it's a tough road to hoe you got for you but you have built up so many years of

relational connection there and the play is now five years, 10 years, 15 years down the road that you love your daughter enough to step in and say, hey, hey, hey, it's my job to help you stay safe. And it's going to be uncomfortable for everybody, but I love you too much to just say, all right, make good choices. She's lucky to have you. She's lucky to have you, Mary. We'll be right back on the dr. John deloney show Hey, what's up deloney here? Listen you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point In my new book building a non-anxious life

You'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Oh, look, we have a zoologist who's going to teach us how deer run. Just kidding, we don't. No, have I just beat that joke on the ground now? Not yet. No, John, you can just keep on going.

Let's go to Ann in Louisville, Kentucky. What's up, Ann? Hi, Dr. John. How are you today? Remarkable. And you? I'm great here in Louisville, Louisville. Louisville. Louisville-y. What's up?

Not much. So I just wanted to call. Thanks for chatting with me today. But right now, I'm just struggling with managing my work-life balance and my family life. I'm finding a lot of value in the work I do and the hours I spend at work, but I feel like I'm jeopardizing a lot of my family life because I focus so much on work. And I'm seeking your guidance, I guess, on how I redirect this and how I find balance. I think balance is a myth. What do you think when you think of balance? I don't think it's real. I think it's a fantasy. It's not real. But people have a picture in their head of what it's supposed to look like. What does your picture look like? So in the perfect world, I think it would be 50-50. But we're finding, you know, as you go day by day, that's certainly not possible, or it doesn't feel possible realistically when you're

actually doing it. But it would be great if I could, you know, split my time 50-50 or even 60% family, 40% work-life balance. But right now in the path I'm taking, it just doesn't feel like that's doable. So something has kept you from pulling the trigger either way. What is it? You know, I think really right now what it is, is I'm just, I struggle with my self-worth and I think I find a lot of my self-worth in the amount of work I do, not so much in the quality of work I do. And I think that's just honesty when we get down, you know, to the core of it. I think it's how much can I do today? It's not stepping away and promoting that healthy work-life balance. It's just how much can I do?

I almost get manic about it. I think it's the best way to describe it. Where does that come from? Gosh, I think so. When I was younger, at 11, I was diagnosed with anorexia. And so I always kind of correlate it with that, I guess. I have to find, I don't know, I have to focus on something to not focus on that. Like I have to really concentrate on something hard to kind of get those negative feelings out of my head, if that makes sense. The negative, you mean the, the anorexic demons calling you or just the sense that you're not enough. You don't look right. You don't play right. You're not a good enough. This, you're not good enough of that. I think at a deeper level,

it's probably, I'm not a good enough, whatever it is that day. So sometimes that comes out in food. Um, sometimes that comes out in my relationship with my child and my husband. Um, but a lot of times it comes out, you know, in my relationships at work and, you know, in the work I do, um, I'm a property manager, so I mean, it's under units. So it's every day it's something, but I've been, you know, even told by my supervisors, you need to learn when to turn it off, but it's like, I don't have that off switch. So tell me if this sounds right. And also tell me if I'm wrong. okay? I've been told I'm wrong several times on this show by Kelly and James. So feel free to hop in. How much of it is you can control things at work?

You're good at what you do. You know how to solve problems. And that is a hurricane that you can grab the tail of and control it. And when you look in the eyes of your little kid and you look in the eyes of your little kid and you look in the eyes of your husband, there's a recklessness and a strength to that love that is uncontrollable and it feels out of your grasp. And it's simply safer for your heart and your body and your soul

to go back to work because I know the rules there and I know A plus B equals C. Because love is a risk and I can't control that risk. Does that sound right or am I way off? No, that's exactly right. I think that's absolutely correct. I think it's, you know, when I'm at work, I don't want to say it's easy, but it just makes sense and it's easy to control certain situations. And then at home, it's like hostile sometimes, and it's high emotions, and it's high stress, and not that work isn't.

So where does that stress at home come from? Do you bring it home, or is your husband a jerk, or you just have a two-month-old that's just bananas? Where does it come from? I think my husband and I, we both work very high demand jobs. We both, he's in school full time. You know, I work 60, 70 hours a week on a good week. Um, and then we come home and we, we bring all of that high anxiety home. And that's what our three-year-old's saying, of course. So then I wonder how it's affecting him long-term. He's three? He's three.

And he's always seeing these two super stressed out parents. Yeah. So what I would tell you is he's not seeing it. There's actually some research, Dr. Gabor Mate, he is absorbing that at the genetic level. Yeah. It's becoming part of him. How mommy and dad talk to one another, how they interact with one another,

how they are courtesy and serve one another, how they love one another, how they touch each other, how they look and laugh. He's absorbing that. And it has epigenetic consequences both up and down. He's not just watching it. He's absorbing it. So Christy, again, my friend Christy Wright, and stay on the line here.

Kelly's going to send you a copy of her brand-new book, Take Back Your Time. It's on this exact topic. She does a great job of this idea of seasons versus balance. Balance is bull crap. It's not real. And it's a myth sold to you by every – the name of the game in selling is I have to convince you that you are missing a thing so that you'll buy my thing, right? And if there's this myth of balance, life never feels 50-50. And so we just pathologically add stuff to either side of that scale trying to get it to balance up.

And then it just always stays wonky. So I'm going to buy a new – I'm going to sign up for a yoga class, but that takes time. So then I'm going to get a bunch of new fancy pots and pans because we're going to cook together and that doesn't work. So then I'm going to, you know what I mean? You're always just teeter tottering on this thing. And instead of looking at it 50, 50 balance, look at the season. So your husband's working a demanding job and he's in school full-time. Is that right? Yes. And you have a three-year-old? Yes.

So, and you're working 70 hours a week in a job that you're really good at, probably weren't put on earth to be a property manager. Maybe you were, but you're kicking butt in it and they say, hey, way to go. But even your boss is like, how about we take 30% off? How about we dial it back a little bit? And you they say, hey, way to go. But even your boss is like, how about we take 30% off? How about we dial it back a little bit? And you're like, never, never. Exactly. So the conversation, and she's got some stuff in her book that's great that you can work through with your husband.

But it's just taking a breath and saying, okay, we're in a season right now. I'm in that same season too. It's the fall. I'm on the road a lot. I'm speaking. My wife's got a book coming out she's working on retreats and all kind of stuff

she's also a professor she's getting flown to another state to teach because she's so good at it it's bananas in our house and I got a sixth grader and a kindergartner and so we're in a season

and we overcommitted and most of it's my fault but we overcommitted and so we're saying okay what's it going to look like till December? This isn't this fake 50-50 because that's not real. What's it going to look like to get through Christmas? And then what's our spring going to look like? Because that's what we can control.

We've already signed up for stuff this fall. And so y'all are in a bonkers season. What is life going to look like? Where can we extract joy out of the season that we're in? And what I want y'all to do is come up with a map for what this season is going to look like? Where can we extract joy out of the season that we're in? And what I want you all to do is come up with a map for what this season is going to look like and then the spring will look like. And here's going to be your adventure right now.

Your adventure is when you get home and you start to feel that whatever take off in your body, I want you to be really intentional about writing down where it is. Do you feel your chest start to get tight? Do you feel your stomach drop? Do you feel your neck start to hurt? I want you to begin to feel it in your body

and not be mad at yourself and don't judge yourself. I can't believe this. I want you to start being really curious with Ann. Like, what's my body trying to protect me from right now? What am I missing here? Is it sleep? Is it connection with my kid? And I know getting on all fours and playing is so fun,

but it's so boring. But what am I missing here? When's the last time me and my husband had sex that was great and wasn't just this duty checklist thing, that we found actual,. We were really into one another for more than one night, maybe it's two or four. When's the last time we were intimately connected for a season, right? I want you to begin to have those conversations together and with yourself, start to experience where this stuff is in your body.

Do you think you, and in fact, I was just reading a meta-analysis on eating disorders the other day and the prognosis, like what they don't know is just mind-boggling to me. Did you, did you heal from childhood stuff or are you still playing, are you still running? I think I'm still running. I just got out of a really bad, I guess we can say I got over a really bad relapse. I don't think you ever get over it. But I thought it started to creep its head back in right around the time I turned two. What was going on in your world?

Was intimacy at an all-time low? Was husband gone? Were you stressed at work? What was going on at home? I think at home, our life was completely chaotic. My husband and I were fighting all the time. We had fundamental disagreements regarding money and regarding how we wanted to run our household. We just purchased a home, which naturally brings stress into the equation.

And, you know, we're trying to deal with both sides of our emotions and raising a three-year-old. And I think, you know, with COVID and everything going on, there was no physical escape. My physical escape became work, you know, what was left of it during that time. And so it almost felt like for me, I had no control over anything in my household. Like I didn't have control over my relationship with my husband. It was so toxic at that time. And we've been in therapy and we've, you know, and that's been great. We're doing much better now, but everything just seemed very chaotic in our lives. And it's like, I control that, right? Yes. That's part of the challenge is figuring out how to do that. Because there was a point, I think during all of that, that we could,

that we didn't feel we could, but, um, No, I'm saying, I'm saying your body began to say, Oh, I remember, I remember something I can control. Yes. Um, and it's so, it's not funny, but it's ironic because when you try to explain eating disorders to people who don't understand, such as my husband, he's never been around it. I'm like, you know, it's totally unconscious, unconscious. Like I don't, I don't think about it. I just fall back into these habits. And then one day things calm down and I think about it again and I'm like, okay, I am falling back down that, down that rabbit hole. And you kind of have to pull yourself back up because you don't even

realize you're losing the control when you are. Yeah, and it can be disassociative. That's right. So a couple of things. One, I'm going to send you that book, okay? I don't want you to ever say work-life balance ever again as long as you live. Okay. I want you to start thinking in seasons. And sometimes in the winter, it's just really cold and you got to wear jackets.

You don't go outside so much. Or you got to go outside and you know it's going to be cold out there. And then sometimes it's summer and it's really hot. But you go to the outside and you know it's going to be cold out there and then sometimes it's summer and it's really hot but you go to the pool and you dress differently and same in the spring and same in the fall life rolls in seasons not in balance we've been sold a lie it's not real and so i want to give you this book i want you to read it closely and it's brand new it's number one bestseller just came out the other day. It's incredible. And Christy's a great friend. I want you to do the exercises in that book, you and your husband and counseling. I want you to be highly intentional about telling your counselor, I'm struggling with this and I'm ready for the first time in years to set this down. And you're right, the quote unquote,

ever be done with it. I both understand the data and the data, like the research is clear. It's hard to say I'm ever over anorexia. That's tough. And I also believe deeply in people setting these bricks down in healing and it just doesn't come back anymore. And that's highly intentional in getting connected with your body and what your body's trying to tell you on a regular basis. It sounds like what your body's telling you right now and has been for a while

that your most important relationships are not whole right now with your husband, with your kid, and you are in fight or flight and probably have been for years, and you are running to work because you can control that. You are disassociating yourself. You're distancing yourself is a better word from the relationships because those hurt, and they're not solid right now.

And it may be that he's got time for him to step away from school for a season for the sake of his marriage and his family. It may mean that he can't work full time and y'all got to make some pretty serious financial sacrifices. And he's going to go to school full time. And you're going to make this for a season until he gets out of school. And then he's going to go back to the workforce full time. It may mean that you step back and say, I'm going to lock eyes with this three year old and this three year old is going to be my world or maybe your husband quits everything

and he locks eyes with this three year old whatever that looks like the pace y'all are on is unsustainable and you know that your kid feels that and your husband knows it and now it's this weird dance this weird game of chicken

and which one's going to cave first. And if one of you loses, you both lose. And so the conversation has got to be leveled up here. And you've got to be highly intentional about what this season's going to look like, being intentional and direct about planning for next season. And something's going to have to give in the next season. Something's going to have to give in the next season. Something's going to have to give in the next season. And I'm convinced if you get serious about, not to say you haven't been serious, if you get highly intentional and submit and vulnerable to healing from anorexia, I'm convinced you can.

I know you can. You're too strong. You're too brilliant. I know you can. I know, know, know you can. And it's time now. It's been exhausting and it's time. Thank you so much for this call and stay on the line here. And we'll get you that book sent out. Never, everybody, never say the word work-life balance. Not real. It's a season. It's a season. Life goes in rhythms and in seasons. Identify the season you're in.

Some seasons are sprint seasons, like our first caller, trying to get out of debt. Some seasons are we build trust, we build trust, like the second caller, we build trust, we build trust, we build trust. And then, man, we got to have a season of winter. We got some hard accountability with our 15-year-old. We're going to have to really change how we parent, how we interact.

It's going to be hard. And then there will be other seasons of spring. The sun will come up again. The flowers will bloom. We'll have a different season. But knowing where you're at, not trying to balance it all, balance it all, balance it all. And we love you, man. We're standing behind you.

Call me every step of the way if we can help, okay? Time to get serious about your marriage. Time to get serious about parenting. Serious about healing your heart. All right, as we wrap up today's show, I got a couple of songs here. These are... During a break, James brought in this song.

I'm going to read it. It's about cheetahs and gazelles and lions. Not really. But I get the geographic humor, James. I crack myself up. Do what? I crack myself up. Kelly, I'm going to congratulate you again on your new promotion.

It's incredible. James, I hear they're hiring for, I don't know, cafeteria people downstairs. Get the resume ready. Not really. I'll go work for National Geographic, man. Oh, yeah. Mapping out predatory escape patterns. The song is the classic by Toto.

It's called Africa. A little geography humor. I get it. Hope you get it, America. It goes like this. I hear the drums echoing tonight, but she only hears whispers of some quiet conversation.

She's coming in 1230 flight. Her moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation. I stopped an old man along the way, hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies. He was running in jagged patterns like cheetahs evidently do instead of straight lines away from lions. He turned to me as if to say,

hurry boy, it's waiting there for you. What is this song about? I bless the rains. This song is madness. I bless the rains down in Africa. Gonna take some time to do things we never had. What? Run, cheetah, run.

Straight lines, run. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show.