The Dr. John Delony Show - My Alcoholic Husband Refuses to Sober Up

Episode Date: October 30, 2024

On today’s episode, we hear about:  A wife trying to convince her husband to go to rehab  A woman feeling pressured by her in-laws to host the holidays   A woman struggling to regain her sense of self following a divorce    Next Steps:  📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message.  📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life  📝 Anxiety Test   📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future   ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards   💭 John's Free Guided Meditation   🤘🏼The Dr. John Delony Show T-Shirts     Connect With Our Sponsors:   🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp  🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe  😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial  💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers  🏥 10% off select packages at Marek Health with code DELONY   💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne   🥤20% off at Organifi with code DELONY   🏔️ Use code DELONY at Poncho Outdoors    Listen to More From Ramsey Network:  🎙️ The Ramsey Show  💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour  💡 The Rachel Cruze Show  💰 George Kamel  💼 The Ken Coleman Show  📈 EntreLeadership    Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy  https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy   

Coming up on the Dr. John Delaney show. How do I convince my alcoholic husband to go to rehab? The breaking point for me was a few months ago when he drove our son home drunk from sports. The kids are starting to pick up on his attention surrounding their dad's drinking, and I've grown to resent him because I feel more like his mother than his wife. There's no easy path forward. What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney Show.

So glad that you have joined us. Talking about your psychological and emotional health and your marriages and your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. For over 20 years, I've been sitting with hurting people, figuring out what's the next right move and I'm glad you're here. Shows about real people going through real hard stuff and I'll sit with you and we'll try to figure out what's the next right move and kind of cut through some of the nonsense

that's out there. And dude, we are surrounded by nonsense. So I'm glad we all get to sit together here and figure out what we're going to do next. You want to be on the show? I'd love to have you give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask and you can click the links in the show notes. Alright, let's roll out to Chicago, Illinois. Talk to Erin. What's up Erin? How we doing? Hey, John. Thank you so much for having me on. Of course. Thanks for calling. Yeah, thank you. What's up Erin, how we doing? Hey John, thank you so much for having me on.

Of course, thanks for calling. Yeah, thank you. What's up? Alright, so I have a question for you today. And my short question is, how do I convince my alcoholic husband to go to rehab? Oh man. Um, I guess my short answer is you don't. Tell me more about it.

Yeah, okay. So I have a lot to unpack here. So if you're okay with it, I'll have about a one minute summary for you. Yeah, let it roll. Roll out. So I've been married for about 15 years and my husband's drinking problem

has been a constant source of stress in our marriage. For years, we repeated the same toxic pattern. He drank successively, does something stupid. I confront him. He agrees to either stop or tone it down, but then he always gradually starts back up again. He even did a recent three-day detox, followed by three months of sobriety, but he ultimately went back to drinking.

The breaking point for me was a few months ago when he drove our son home drunk from sports. I got CPS involved and it didn't really go anywhere because of lack of evidence, but I hoped it would be the wake-up call he needed. Still, the excessive drinking continues. After watching your show, I finally got up the courage to tell him last week that he needs to move out and get sober. The problem is he absolutely refuses to leave. He says it's his house too. I have no right to force him out. He's willing to throw out the alcohol and attend AA and get a sponsor, but he's done

this all before and I'm worried it was going to get stuck in this endless cycle. We're both very committed to staying married for the sake of our young children. However, I don't want to enable his behavior and I'm so sick of trying to control him. The kids are starting to pick up on his, on the tensions surrounding the dad's drinking. And I've grown to resent him because I feel more like his mother than his wife. I'm sorry.

Yeah. Cause this I can hear you still love this guy. Oh Yeah, very much. So yeah, and you also Can't keep being married to somebody who's Putting your kids lives in danger your life in danger and on and on and on right, exactly hate this for you and Like when the kids were littler, I was able to

shield them a lot better, but as they're getting older and more aware, it's harder to do. Can I tell you that you didn't shield them as much as you think you did? Uh-huh. And I know you probably know that innately. Here's, we can unpack this. I want you to know at the outset, and I don't tell you this, I tell you this because I love you and I think it's helpful. Okay? I wouldn't be saying this if anything was helpful. You simply don't have an easy path forward.

And so when you're looking at all of this, I love this guy, I'm interested in staying married to him, he's interested in staying married to him, I don't want to kick him out, he said he's not even leaving. All that, I get it, and you don't have an easy path moving forward. And so what you're going to choose from is multiple really hard decisions, there's not an easy one somehow hidden in all of this mess. Okay? Sure.

And for, it's kind of like when the football coach or your soccer coach, whatever, I don't know if you play sports, but when coach says we're going to run a hundred wind sprints after practice, you just know we're about to all face held together. I would rather know there's a hundred wind sprints coming. It's going to be hard. Then when coach would occasionally say, you're going to run till I get tired watching you. Right?

I'd rather run a hundred when I know it's coming than 20 when I don't know what the number is. Right? So. Yeah. And you know, to be quite honest, I understand that it is hard. It's just that what I'm doing has already been hard. And that's it. It's just not working.

So doing nothing, brutal. Leaving him, kicking him out, filing for divorce, brutal. Watching, visiting your son in ICU because your husband drove drunk and ran into an oncoming traffic, brutal. There's not an easy path here. Okay. And so what I've been doing is I've been just trying to control all situations.

Right. And so I, you know, started being the only, I'm like, okay, I'm only going to be the one driving the sport. You know, I'm going to be the one putting them to bed. But it all falls on me, you know? Right. And if you leave, it's all going to fall on you. Right. And if you stay, it's all going to fall on you. But at least he, you know, at least during the hours of like 7am to 6pm, he's good. He's really really helpful and I need that because I also work full time and...

And so hear me say as we get going, there's no easy path forward. Okay. And it's just kind of dropping your shoulders and going, okay, what's the right hard path or as I've written before, you got to choose your heart. What's the hard thing coming up? Okay. Yeah. Here's the big meta here. Alcohol is giving him something really important. Alcohol works.

And it's futile for you and me to try to unpack what about his life, what about his body, what about his world that he inhabits that alcohol is such an important protector of. Alcohol gives him some space between his life, him and his own skin and reality. And so hear me say this, alcohol works. And so when you're asking him to put alcohol away so that you can fully be with him and he doesn't endanger people and you can have him for whatever reason, he's unable to do that or unwilling at this time to do that.

I don't say unable, unwilling to, okay? So for you, I wanna get us drinking aside and I wanna get rehab aside for a second okay because those two things don't work right without without some pretty clear ultimatums and even then ultimatums are about you here's what I will no longer tolerate and then he gets to choose whether he does X Y or, or Z. Let's get to the actual specific behavior. Okay? So drinking leads to things that are awful. Right? Walk me through a few behaviors that you will not tolerate in your home anymore.

Yeah. So, and I've said this to him, I'm like a broken record. I know, I know. And by the way, that's also part of this. His body innately knows, he knows, I don't have to do anything. Yeah, I know. And I know that I've been watching you religiously for the last six months and there's so much I know that you I knew you would already say but I you know I tell them I can't have you drunk well his idea of drunk is not being able to talk yes let's take alcohol off the table what are the

things he swears I will not have you slurring your words in front of the kids you will not be intoxicated and like you will not hit me you will not have you slurring your words in front of the kids. You will not be intoxicated and like you will not hit me. You will not fall asleep on the couch watching TV while I'm doing like, what are the behaviors that have to change? Yeah, you will not fall asleep on the couch and leave a pizza burning in the oven. Okay.

You will not drive with our children while drinking. drive with our children while drinking You will Not You will be sober when I am not home and you're in charge of the children You won't pass out in random places Keep going. You will put the kids to bed at a reasonable hour and you will make them dinner rather

than sitting out on the patio. Give me one more. Something you've done a really good job avoiding him and you. And you've been dealing with this for 15 plus years. Tell me about y'all two. Yeah. I mean, it's like I said, I adore him during the hours of seven to six. That means you adore part of him or you adore a fantasy of him. Mm-hmm.

But it's suddenly like a piece of glass goes over him and it's like he's a different person and I don't even, he might become more argumentative or start talking about something that's very paranoid or just ridiculous stuff. Like, I just can't even take them seriously. And so I'll kind of just, um, turn, you know, walk, walk away from him because I just don't even want to engage. He's just, I always say he gets dopey. He's just kind of like that creepy guy at a bar Okay, so what you've rattled off to me is You have to be present enough to not burn the house down you have to be of

sober-mindedness enough To not commit a felony with our children in the car. You have to be present with our children so they either don't die in a car wreck or they aren't off on their own in this home. You have to be present enough to get yourself to and from places without passing out randomly and having me or the police or somebody call you to come pick you up.

You have to feed our children at regular intervals and get them enough sleep. You see what I'm saying? When you read it all out at one point, you wouldn't let any stranger on planet earth within a hundred feet of your kids. Right. Right? Yeah.

And so those are the behaviors. So when somebody says like, how do I get my husband to go to rehab, somebody who's resistant to go to rehab? All right, I'm gonna put that aside. Rehab is the place where he needs to go period. This is 15 years. It's probably been going on longer than that. Fair?

Yeah, yeah, for sure. So two decades, this is how the chemistry by which his body operates. There's no way this gets changed without some significant intervention, okay? Yeah. And I know you know that intuitively, but just know that scientifically, okay? It will be a long road for his physiology,

his biochemistry to change. This is how he's operated forever. So here's what cannot happen again, or he is opting out of this home. And what I would tell you is if he wants to play the card of is my house, then you mom have a hard choice to make. Am I gonna leave my kids in an unsafe environment? Yeah, well, I mean, he'll, he'll say to me, um, the only way I'm getting out of here is if you file for divorce. Exactly.

And then we'll, you know, and, but I know he, but you get the loop though. Yeah. He knows I wouldn't do that. No, it's not that he's asking you't do that. No, it's not that. He's asking you to do that. Yeah. He's begging you to end this marriage. Because what you're saying is you can't continue to put our kids' lives at risk. And he's like, well, the only way you're going to get me out here is if you do this.

You get what I'm saying? Behavior is a language. He's telling you, get these kids away from me. I'm not safe. Right. saying behavior is a language he's telling you get these kids away from me I'm not safe right and I'm not telling you to file for divorce for your husband I feel for the guy I'm heartbroken for him but he's making everybody's life dangerous right yeah and I hate this for y'all. Yeah. So your choices are

continue to let him live in the house and just be who he's gonna be and you have to create a world where your kids are safe, which means you do all the stuff. Okay. Essentially what I've been doing. I know but I just I'm just like that's the that's that's the road you have to choose. Or as he has said, I will not do a thing until I'm legally obligated. Then you can legally obligate him.

By the way, you did the right thing by calling CPS and I hate that they let you down. Well, they didn't, they just, there was nothing they could do. And I kind that they let you down. Well, they didn't, they just, there was nothing they could do. And I kind of knew that because it wasn't, he wasn't intoxicated when they saw him. You know, it was just my word against his and you know, I more wanted to wake him up.

And what it did was it made him stronger. Yeah, and it just made him mad at me. Well, it made you yeah, but even bigger the law won't even can't even touch me. Yeah, you got I'm saying like it made it it more emboldens the behavior. Sure. And so yeah, just pours gasoline on a fire. But I want you to hear me say was still the right thing to do. Yeah, yeah. So the question before you is we're gonna continue on and

One day your kids will look at you and say mom, why didn't you protect us? And if you take them away, they're gonna look at you and say mom. Why did you take us away from our daddy? Okay, so there's not an easy path here. The second one is he's going to continue to make you unsafe, to make them unsafe. And then when you filed for divorce, his entire narrative will be mom left me for sitting on the back porch and enjoying my life in my house. So I'm telling you is there's no easy path. So let's do the next right thing, which is let's make sure everybody's safe And let's make sure you and your kids are have like all four walls

Let's give him a path towards wellness Okay What does that look like you tell me I can't make that decision for you. I'm just some yahoo YouTube podcast guy Yeah You tell me. I can't make that decision for you. I'm just some Yahoo YouTube podcast guy. Yeah. Talking about the drinking and talking about going to rehab haven't done anything. Right. What needs to be is very clear lines. These behaviors are unacceptable and when you do these things, you are opting out of our children's lives. Please, good God, don't opt out of our children's lives. Please don't opt out of this marriage. I don't want to opt out of this marriage.

But when you threaten my life, you threaten the lives of our kids through your actions and behavior, your inactions or your intoxication. It's unwise, it's unsafe for me to remain here. And by the way, a guy who puts his children at risk and then looks at his wife and says, is my house too, you gotta leave?

You and the kids gotta go? That tells me all I need to know about his character. Yeah, well, it always comes down to what my fault is. I'm controlling. I've enabled him through all these years. Um He doesn't respond well to threats or being controlled Um And having spent most of my life most of my career with people who struggle with some sort of addiction. This is just a playbook

Mm-hmm. Just a playbook Yeah, and I recognize that. Does he have a group of friends? Probably not by this point, huh? Yeah, he does a lot. Are they just drinking buddies or are they actual good friends? Some are, but most of them, you know, he's very concerned about what people will think if he stops drinking. That's a big part of his social life

But what I think he doesn't realize is that everyone that actually really loves me about him realizes what a property has Okay, so it may be it may be a great time now to um Call a professional in your area who can help with an intervention and get six or seven or eight friends to circle up and come into the house. You may have seen that on that show. Yeah. But it may be, it's good to have somebody who knows what they're doing there so it doesn't become an accusation machine, right? Those can be done really poorly, but somebody who's trained, they can walk you out through it real quick and then go do it.

That might be the moment. And those often don't go well, but they can hit a domino, a new domino in a new direction that begins a whole life change. But I guess here hear me say this, there's no easy path forward and nothing will change if nothing changes. And so I this feeling of I don't know what to do next. I totally get that. Now that I'm sitting here thinking, I like the idea. He's a rare one that he's been drinking for this long with this level of, with this lack of integrity

and still has close friends who recognize his drinking problem also. And so, man, I'd reach out so we could circle up six or seven folks and meet in his living room and say today's the day And there's no easy path forward I'm so sorry Aaron I hate this for you My dream is he goes and gets in gets the help that he needs and the lights come back on that's my hope That's my hope. That's my hope And my other hope is that your marriage can be saved

and you and the kids are safe and I can rebuild something amazing. I believe in that, I really do. But anytime somebody comes to a marriage counselor, anytime somebody comes to a marriage coach, anytime somebody sits down and somebody's struggling with addiction, especially a chemical dependency,

there's no helping the marriage, no helping the parenting until the chemical dependency is taken care of. So all of the healing in the house starts with sobriety. And then we go from there. Thanks for the call, Aaron. Call anytime. I wish you guys the best.

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and online scammers, spammers, stalkers, and thieves. Go to joindeleteeme.com slash deloney today for 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney. All right, let's go to Reno, Nevada and talk to Kayla. What's up, Kayla? Hi, John. How are you? Thank you for taking my call. Thank you for calling. Good, good. What's happening?

So my question is, do I still need to host Thanksgiving or Christmas and or Christmas despite the lack of effort from my in-laws? Tell me more. I'm kind of confused by the question. Tell me more. So there's like a lot of pressure from our in-laws to host because of our house and our space.

You have a big nice house? I mean, I think so. Okay. I'm happy where we live. All right, so do your in-laws have a small place? No, they have a nice house too. Why do they like it when you guys host? I don't even think, I don't know.

Last year, my mother-in-law was like, all the girls in the family got together and we decided we're gonna have Thanksgiving at your house. And I was working that day, I'm a nurse. We have three little girls. And my husband had to like tell his mom no. And it was hard, but I'm just nervous for this year because I just feel like there's an expectation for us to host.

Have you and your husband ever like sent an email around that says or had in person that says we're going to host on a rotation now? No, we definitely have not done that, but we would like to. Okay. Here's the devil's advocate. I'll be the devil's advocate here. What does hosting entail? Are you keeping score or like we've done it and then now y'all need to do it or is it if They host in your house or if they like if they host in your house You still have to do all the work and you have to clean everything up. I Think for me, so we have three little girls. Okay, and his family likes to drink heavily

Okay, now we're good, which is fine. I'm like not their beer police but I just don't want my kids around that. Now we're getting to it that's that's a totally different conversation because if they want you to host and you can't afford it because they expect you to get all the food all the meat and all the alcohol or whatever that's one thing if they expect you to host and you because of your job, you work all day, your husband works all day and it's just not feasible. That's another thing. If they want you to host

because you have a nice place and they're embarrassed of their place and you're keeping score, I would say, get over it, just host this holidays. This is a whole other thing. This is, I don't want my kids around them. And hosting is now this proxy war. Yeah.

I don't want to say like, I don't want them around them, but just, I think there has to be like limits. And then my kids, our kids are the only kids in the family right now. And I just, and I've said it before, like I don't want a bunch of drunk adults around kids. Who have you said that to? My husband and my father-in-law. What does your husband say?

He agrees. Okay. What's your father-in-law say? He agrees, but like, I don't know how to explain it like one time He drank like 12 beers and I was like, hey like you got to drive home, you know, like Just because I think when your kids see it like they're gonna do it too in the future Like behaviors, you know, like your kids are watching. Yeah, they're watching us Yeah behaviors, you know, like your kids are watching. They're watching us.

Yeah. Now there's a whole host of issues of having a house full of drunk adults around young kids. Your gut is right. Okay. Exactly. Um If you host at your house, can you make a new alcohol rule? I mean I could try. I just don't think. I don't know what you try at your house. I just don't see how that would like, I just don't think that would go over well. We're past going over well. We're done with that. It's not going to go well if you host.

It's not going to go well if you don't host. So that ship has sailed. What we're looking for now is what is reality and what's the world that you want to inhabit because what you want the world you want to inhabit is not going to make them happy with you. So let's let that fantasy go. That's the reality. I think that's what sucks. Okay, so let's grieve that. It's the worst and then let's make a plan oriented around what is safe for your kids. What do you want for your household and what do you and your husband want as potential

hosts? And how would we do that? Because I think you're caught in how do I satisfy these people? I don't want these people mad at me. I'm a new part of their family. I have this other fantasy about these awesome grandparents and aunts and uncles around my kids You may not have that Kayla Yeah, I think you're right

Can I just sit with you that's heartbreaking? Yeah, because grandparents are supposed to like delight in their grandkids and spoil and rotten and be obnoxious and silly and not drunk Yeah and not drunk. Yeah. In a perfect world, in-laws show up and they relieve the burden. They don't bring burden with them, whether it's their judgments or their,

oh my gosh, I don't like this, or I wouldn't have made this, or let's have 12 beers and then drive home in front of, I mean, you see what I'm saying? It shouldn't be that way and I hate that it is. So how do I like move forward though just like no alcohol like how do you it's like a lot it's like my last call the last caller you don't have an easy path forward so I think exhaling into that is good right so it's a I think it's

easy to get trapped thinking okay what's the way to navigate this that nobody gets mad nobody gets mad and nobody gets hurt and we all still land. That won't happen here. And so there should be like a relief almost like, ah, okay, if I just keep doing nothing, I'm gonna resent my family, my in-laws, I'm gonna hate them.

And I'm gonna not look forward to the holiday season. Already. Yeah, that's where I'm at. We've been married for 10 years now. And then like, I am not excited about the holidays. Okay, let's stop doing that. Yeah, that's why I wanted to call you. All right, so let's stick a flag in that.

And I know the ground in Reno's harsh, it's just rocky, but let's just jam a flag in the ground. From this point forward, me, as for me and my house, we're gonna enjoy the holidays. And what does that mean? Reverse engineer that. What does enjoyment, because you know what? Your kids feel the tension starting in September.

They feel the angst. And I don't wanna raise my kids in a house where the fall, finally the million degree heat in Reno finally breaks. I don't want my kids thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas as tense, like, and gropey, kind of drunk granddad. I don't want that. All my kids to remember how relaxed and chilled Mom and Dad were.

So what must be true for that? You tell me. I guess just like setting boundaries. No, no, no, no, that's too that's like out of a counseling book or like a Cosmo like article like be specific in your situation. Do you like having a house full of sober people laughing having fun? Yes. Okay, awesome. Listen to your voice right there. That's it. Okay, done. We're gonna have people over. Number two, it's cool to have alcohol when people are responsible and not morons.

For a decade, those adults have proven their morons are on alcohol. So, cool, we're not gonna drink. And then they get to opt out. Or there's a one drink limit. You can have drink tickets and they got to come through you for, I don't know how you do it, but I mean, but the thing is, is you have to live in the tension

of I'm going to make these rules for this party. So in my house, here's a good example. We send out an email, like here's when we're traveling. Here's when we would love to see you. We hope you'll make it. Here are the following items we will not be talking about. This particular year, especially, we will not talk about politics, period.

Cause it's too much fights in my family. Yeah, I hear you. Too many smart people and too many overly opinionated people. I'm the quiet one at our Thanksgiving table, believe it or not. My house is B-A-N-A-A-S. Okay?

Everyone in the booth is like, no way. I promise y'all. I'm the quiet one. And so all I have to say is we just ended up, we're not talking about this. Anyone brings up COVID, anyone brings up whatever over the last few years, anyone brings up politics, anyone? We just, in our house, at least everybody's like, oh, no, no, no, no, you can't talk about that. Cause Deloni, cause John said, and everybody's cool with it. We move on. And so it's just about saying, hey, we're going to be a part of this.

This is the world we want to create. We want you to be a part of this thing. And then they as adults get to opt dinner out. And you get to be sad. You get to be sad. And you get to be sad. You get to be sad. If they opt out because it's either we go to Thanksgiving and get drunk or we don't want to be in your house.

Gosh, that sucks if they choose that over you. They choose that over their grandkids. How heartbreaking is that? Yeah, but I think even if they don't come like we're still gonna have a good Thanksgiving. That's right. And my wife is obsessed with giant Easter's. She loves them. Growing up, her family went to that was like their big everybody came.

When we moved halfway across the country, we don't have any family around here. And so now we've started a misfits Easter. Do we have randos show up to our house and it is the best. It's the best. We have a, we open the guest room. If you just want to go in and take a nap because you don't know anybody and it's weird, go to bed.

And here's this over here. Here's that over there. I want someone to bring like a haircut table and bring a tattoo gun next year. Like whatever. We have a wild Easter, but we just curated it that way because this is what we're looking for. Want everybody to show up and meet new people and be energized by random people and have a great day and be celebratory and enjoy each other and y'all get to decide that

and every every year Caleb makes me sad when certain people don't show up. It does. It bums me out. But I try to focus on all the people who did. Yeah. You know? But I bet your kids are happy. Dude, they're running around like maniacs, but they get their energy from us. Yeah. And we're excited to have people over.

And we're excited to have a house full of random people that don't care that we didn't, you know, have our house professionally detailed. That we're just a delonies, man. It's kind of nuts. Oh, that's really cool. But I want you I'm just all I'm doing is just trying to paint you a picture of how this thing can be.

And you've got 10 years worth of family data showing you what you want to be true will not be true. So you got to do something different. And I'm, and I'll say this before I let you go, I'm increasingly exhausted by people just cutting off family, like you're out of my life. I think it's always fair to give people a map. Here's where we can connect. And by the way, Here's where we can connect. And by the way, if, I don't know, if someone at my table, if I sent out an email and said, we're not talking about politics, they said, hey, I really need to get your opinion on this political matter. I would entertain that.

But they would be saying, hey, we're not just going to use politics and division as a sport. I really want to get people's insights onto this because I don't understand this particular economic policy. I don't get it. I can't wrap my head around it. So we're going to put on the table, we're going to talk about it. And once you all start talking about governments hiding big foot truths and you know what, I'm out.

I'm done with all that. But let's actually have a conversation. That would be awesome. And so, it's not like it's my way or the highway, but this must be true here. And I think you get to decide what that is. And none of it's easy. I think that's the big exhale. None of this is easy. And it would be awesome if it lived up to the fantasy to the story you made up in your head about your grandparents and your kids, aunts and uncles and your kids, it's just not reality. So let's start operating out of reality. And that doesn't mean we don't get to have a house full of fun, wild, good, crazy fun.

You just can't get waste in front of my kids. I'm just not cool with that. I hope that helps, Kayla. Thank you so much for the call. I hope this year's Thanksgiving and Christmas are times of joy and mayhem and celebration, and not yet another year of angst and fear and worry. That comes from you setting some pretty clear boundaries

then living into them. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. Oh, great. This is an election year. Everyone's gonna be mad and yelling at everyone We'll be right back. Oh, great. This is an election year. Everyone's going to be mad and yelling at everyone and no one's trying to solve anything, but everybody's think, listen, I can't control them, but I can control me.

And I know that the more chaotic it gets out there, the more important it is for me to do whatever it takes to prioritize peace and to prioritize my spiritual life. And that's why I wanna tell you about Hallow. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer app in the world. I use it every day. And they have thousands of guided prayers and meditations and challenges to help you build a deeper spiritual foundation,

to help you answer challenging questions about doubts and help you learn more about God. And right now, Hallow has a new prayer challenge going through the classic work, Mere Christianity, by the great C.S. Lewis. It's a fantastic introduction and a rousing conversation about the Christian faith. So if you're curious about Christianity

or you just want to better understand your faith, this is a great time to join. And it's also kind of cool that Bear Grylls, the survival guy, will be one of the guides of this challenge. And yes, thankfully, Hallow is going to have some special prayers and meditations to help us all get through the election season. Thank God. So look for that.

I use Hallow every single day and I want you to try it out. Download the Hallow app and head over to Hallow.com to get three months for free. That's three free months at Hallow.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to K Knoxville. Let's go out to Knoxville, Tennessee. Talk to Gail. Hey Gail, what's up? I'm doing good.

How are you? I'm doing okay. Tell me what's what's up? I'm doing good. How are you? I'm doing okay. Tell me what's going on. Okay, I am currently going through a divorce and he's all up now since I was 14 years old. I'm currently 42. Oh my goodness. Yes. This is the better part of your life.

Most, yeah. Like I said, it's all I've known. And he comes in and he says, he's unhappy, has been, and wants a divorce. And now I'm like, how do I find myself again and know my worth after 24 years that we've been married and being belittled and intimidated? I have disability issues that's caused a lot of problems. I didn't ask for it. It was accidents at work and I'm not able to do the things I used to do

physically, sexually, everything. And now it's just, I don't feel like I'm worth anything. How much of that? Well number one I just hate this for you I'm sorry. Can I tell you I'm sorry about two things? I'm sorry that you're a ride-or-die for this many years just waltzed in here and said i'm out after this long And my guess is um Your home hasn't been a place for you in decades has it no no It's walking on eggshells. That's right and

No. No. Walking on eggshells. That's right. And I'm in I have a rule, I don't ever get into diagnostics and stuff on this show. But I want to tell you, there's increasingly more and more and more literature coming out more and more conversations in the mental health space and the medical space about how over time a body in unsafe, unhealed environments, it's called psychosomatic. It comes out in back pain and knee pain and wrist pain and shoulder pain and sexual dysfunction. It comes out in all these things that give somebody further ammo

to say, look at you, you're broken, but it's really the body just trying to stay safe in a very unsafe place. That is another thing too he never wants to touch me hold my hand kiss me just because he wanted to unless he wanted sexual things or anything I'm sorry I'm like what that makes me feel used. Oh, it has. And it's been that way since you were a teenager, right? Yeah. Yeah.

I'm sorry. I, I, I'm going to tell you something crazy. Okay. Well, this isn't crazy. You've got worth and And you got value. Okay, there's just a period at the end of that sentence. But it's kind of like confidence. It's hard to be confident about something without actually seeing it in front of me without experiencing it. Okay. And so worth is this thing that's innate, but when someone's been stomping on

it for most of your life and not only stomping on it, but then blaming you for how you feel or stomping on it and blaming you that they stomped on you, they had to, or they did because of you. Oh man, it's hard to experience that worth. It's hard to trust that you've got value, right? And so I tell you all that to tell you, my gut tells me that if somebody is so low, somebody is so small, they'd walk in and tell their wife of this many years, I just I'm quitting on you No explanation no reason just bye not happy see ya That the thing you should focus on is survival

And as you begin to gain strength and confidence because nobody's stomping on you anymore You're going to find yourself standing a centimeter taller than another centimeter taller and a little bit taller and Then you're gonna find the clouds start to lift Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, like all you've ever the only water you've ever drank has had a little bit of poison in it And so when you go drink clean water, it's gonna taste different. It's gonna it's gonna kind of jar you for a minute. And then a year from now a year from now, he's gonna pop off and say something and it's gonna you're gonna realize I ain't drinking that water anymore. Do you get what i'm saying?

Yeah I just don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I know I don't I want to find someone who actually loves me for me I know disabilities and all they I Promise you that person's out there, but the part but it's gonna be a reflection You're gonna have to learn to love you disabilities and all too I even go as far to say you're gonna have to learn to love yourself disability and all first from the inside out. And you don't love yourself. That's nice to be this way. I know. What disabilities are you talking about? Give me an example of a few. What are the things that make you think you're unlovable?

Well, it started with when I was 24. I was a home health nurse and I had a patient fall and almost break my back and I've had three, four major surgeries now it's few. And when I messed my back up, it started messing with my knees. So I've had two knee replacements and getting ready to fix the last one. And I just can't, you know, bend. I can't, you know, stoop. I can't, sexual positions. And it's just,

I'm limited. My, my body makes a choice for me whether I'm able to do something every day or not. Okay. So we've got some limited physiology, right? Yes. Is that all you are? Seems to be. No, I don't care what seems to be. I'm asking you.

As a registered nurse, someone who has learned how to love and honor and take care of people in their own homes over the years, are you reduced to a series of positions you can or can I get into? You tell me. No. That's right. And to hell with whoever has made you believe that is that you are reduced to that. Because when it comes to sexuality, there's all kinds of creative mayhem y'all can get

into. And when it comes to movement, and when it comes to mobility, when it comes to all kinds of things, all kinds of things that y'all can get into that you can get into. But in your world, it's not even worth getting up. Because he's made it clear that you don't have that value anymore, right? Yeah. I want you to start imagining and gently creating a life worth getting out of the chair for. Because then it's worth worth it to go to physical therapy and then it's worth

it to go get counseling and then it's worth it to go get counseling and then it's worth it to meet somebody for coffee and the first thing out of your mouth isn't what you can't or what you aren't but look who I am. Do you get it? For so long you've been told you're the worst thing that ever happened to you, that you're the least of you and I just reject it. But I also get that that's the air you've been breathing and it's hard to see it right now because it's in the

smoke and fog. When is your divorce final? Well see that's the thing he was so anxious for me to get out of his lost. It was done he moved out and said he's filed I've still yet to receive anything. He didn't file. He's got somebody on the side, doesn't he? Not that I know of, but who's to say? What's this panic to get out? Exactly. If he's filed, you would have had somebody serve you already.

Exactly. He's no more filed on you. No, I've asked and he's like, I'm not sure. Yeah. I have to call. Whatever. Get the name of the attorney and say, go ahead. You'll call and ask where your papers are. Call is bluff. Cause that's just yet another control tactic.

He's dragging you around by your heart. I don't like it. Me either. I know. I know you're like, I don't care about you. It's me. I know. I totally get it. I totally get it. Me either. I know, I know. You're like, I don't care about you, it's me. I know, I totally get it. I totally get it. You have kids? I mean, I've accepted it's done. I'm just wanting it to be done. How old? They're adults. The oldest is 22, the youngest is 20. So they still live with this crap their whole life Yeah, yeah

My daughter has severe anxiety because of it Many these stuff like that is if if he doesn't have things Nobody else should if he can tolerate things everybody else should be able to what he says. It's a gospel. He's a child You know that exact same mindset my eight-year-old If she can't have something with peanuts in it because she has an allergy, then my son can't have something like that. It's an eight-year-old. It's developmentally appropriate, but not for a 42-year-old. But here's the thing, Gail, you've known this forever. And he said he's divorcing you. Let's see the papers. Pony up, big

boy. And I want you to worry less about how do I instantly backfill 30 years of being told I don't have value? I don't want you to worry about 30 years or 20 years or 15 years or five years of I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. What I want you to look forward to is, all right, all I've ever known is this guy that has treated me this way. I'm going to begin to practice living a life where I've got

value and meaning beyond some sexual positions I can or can't get into and not being able to play tennis because I have my back fused together and I have two knee replacements So you're gonna have to decide is that playing cards is that getting together with a group of girlfriends twice a week Is that you and your daughter's going out to do stuff your daughter with extreme anxiety if you look at her and say you know What we're gonna go figure this thing out. We're gonna write down the ten things you're anxious about and you and me just ride or die We're gonna head right into each one of them gently and slowly You in oh mama. I can't do that. I believe in you and me just ride or die we're gonna head right into each one of them gently and slowly you in oh mama I can't do that I believe in you and I

believe I can too you get what I'm saying yeah what I could tell you is you're not gonna think your way through this it's gonna have to be something you live and experience and you're not gonna be able to do it by yourself and so I'm gonna ask you to get a group of a few girlfriends that will do this with you and Right now the limbo is drowning you So I want you to call again and ask for the papers and by the way if he's left He's not welcome back in the house. He left he moved out and if he's still on the on the on the deed then you need to start working through how we're gonna sell this house and

split this thing up he's trying to be all tough and big boy and I'm doing this and you don't have any value blah blah blah blah then cool game on I gotta go live my life and I'm tired of treading water and every time I try to pull myself up you just there's your boot right there push me back under am I doing that anymore and if he's out of those papers are then what's the name of your attorney I'm Am I doing that anymore? And if he's, I don't know where those papers are, then what's the name of your attorney? I'm gonna call your attorney.

I'm calling right now. Cause I gotta get this thing, we gotta get going. Every day of my life, every minute of my life ticking away and am I doing this anymore? I'm not gonna live a reckless, fun, exciting, adventurous life. I'm done living a reduced life. I hate this for you, Gale. I hate you've been having to live like this for so long. I'm done living a reduced life.

I hate this for you, Gale. I hate you've been having to live like this for so long. And part of me is so excited for Gale part two. Here's what happens when Gale's fully unleashed. And no, you're not gonna be able to go frolicking through a field. And probably with your back and your knees, you're not gonna be able to hike the Grand Canyon. You're right.

You didn't ask for this and here it is, but you could still have somebody who will ride or die and love you to the end of time. You still have somebody that will laugh and play and be goofy. You can still go on trips. Is it going to be more inconvenient? Yes. When they say, is anybody in a wheelchair getting out of this plane? You're going to have to raise your hand and say, yes, I do. Great. Then we're going on to the next. We're going on to the next. And I'm telling you what, my buddy who's a paraplegic with my oldest friends on planet Earth, when me and him and his

brother and one of our other closest ride or die friends and all four of us went to an old 80s metal concert reunion and we sang our lungs out, you could still go make it happen. You just have to decide and the people around you have to decide you're not the worst least thing. You're Gail from Knoxville, Tennessee, worthy of a life of adventure and fun and whatever we're anxious about we're going right through the middle of it because we can. Thank you so much for the call sister. Hang on the line, I'm gonna send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. Actually I'm gonna send you two copies, one for you and one for your daughter. I want you to live that book. And I want you all to head right through it. Thank you for the call.

Call anytime. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Fight Club era Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body and same body 5%,

whatever, but listen, it's costume season and let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work, we do this in social settings, we even do this around our own families, we even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst.

If you feel like you are stuck hiding your true self, if you don't feel like you can live or know how to live an authentic life, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept every part of yourself and you can learn how to deal with reality, learn how to be honest with yourself

and learn how to take off the mask and the costume so you can live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, try calling my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere

so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, we are back. All right, Kelly, can I interrupt whatever thing you have thinged here?

Cause like a thing just happened in the hallway and it's important. A lot of things happening. I know my wife always says, John, you just are speaking not in in actual Now you speak in ideas. That's exactly right. Yes, but sure, you know your names back there. So there we go for it Oh, that's never been a thing never been a thing. I'm trying to be nice for the people. Oh, thanks It's all a ruse everybody. Hey, listen, um, I Always want to just if I if I have a moment

I don't always want to but occasionally I want to when I have a moment when somebody stops me and says hey Thank you for pointing me towards a particular thing Earlier today one of my I'll just I'll speak in generalities one of people I work with very very closely Nobody direct reached out and they told me hey, I had my first therapy appointment with BetterHelp. And I was like, yeah, tell me about it. And they said, it was incredible. I said, really, tell me about it.

Not from a surprise, but like, man, somebody came and found me and said, thank you for pointing me to this. They said, they called the BetterHelp therapist and the therapist said, all right, tell me why you're calling you for pointing me to this. They said they called the better help therapist and the therapist said, all right, tell me, tell me why you're calling, tell us, let's go through it. And they said, well, I'm just going to start my pitch because you're like the whatever therapist I've talked to. And the therapist heard the story and then said,

hey, why don't you do, here's some homework assignments. And what was awesome is they were the exact homework assignments I would have given somebody who told me those same things. And as we started talking through it, I said, was your findings this and this? And they're like, oh my goodness. Anyway, when somebody stops me, somebody writes me,

somebody calls in and says, hey, I just need you to know, I've reached out to my local community trying to get a hold of a therapist and there's 15 therapists here that are all worthy of being called and their wait list is seven months each or four months each. They don't take my insurance, so they're only due cash or whatever. And so I finally just went back to your show and I got the code and I called BetterHelp and my goodness, thank you for that.

I'm always like, you don't think me? Think better health for setting up this whole thing where you can do counseling in your car, you can do therapy in your car, we can do therapy at your desk, you can do therapy you know from your bathroom on your laptop. Don't do it in like you know what I mean? Y'all know what I mean? You know what I mean? Don't be weird. But like if you're on the fence as we're entering into the holiday season and for many people it's like holidays holidays pumpkin spice blah blah blah For millions and millions of people heading into the holiday season is not a great time. It's not an exciting time

It's a I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to feel about this. This is my first holiday without dad This is my first holiday without my spouse. This is my first holiday as an empty nester My kids aren't coming home because they want to go visit their boyfriend or girlfriend. Whatever whatever it is If it's time to reach out and call better help Get therapists make the call Make the call and I know this sounds like a spiel just make the call and it's just a good reminder from it from somebody on the team who stopped me and just said hey finally finally just did it and session one was awesome that's just my encouragement you're worth it you're worth being well you're worth calling

somebody and you're worth not heading into the yet another holiday season dreading it there's too much else to dread in the world right now. If you need to make the call, make the call. Thank you so much for joining us today on the show. This is some hard calls about how do you get someone to go to rehab. You can't. How do you find self-worth when for 30 years someone's told you don't have any? How do you deal with in-laws that come over and get hit? You don't. And I hope through all these calls you heard one thread and that is this. You have the power to change your life. You're worth it. Thank you so much. We'll see you soon. Love you guys. Bye.