The Dr. John Delony Show - My Best Friend Is Dating the Woman I Love

Episode Date: February 14, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: - A man who regrets not going after the woman he wanted - A wife frustrated by her husband’s selfish decisions - A man hoping to learn empathy for others Lyrics of the Day: "She's Got a Way" - Billy Joel To buy tickets to the upcoming Money & Marriage event click here. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp Hallow Organifi Eight Sleep Apollo Neuro Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I lost my mom to cancer in 2019. About a month after that, I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me. The issue that I see now, though, is that I suppress my feeling, and it's really starting to affect my current relationship with my girlfriend, my family, and pretty much anyone I meet. Those relationships I'm forming just one arm in, one arm out.

What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. It's Valentine's Day, people. If that's a shock to you, you should probably take that as an indicator of the status of your relationships that you are in um if it's not a shock to you best of luck buying a 14 dollar uh card where somebody else has sat in a cubicle somewhere listening to headphones to house music or some bad like hair metal and they write things for you

to tell the person that you love in their own words, and then you pay $14. How much does a Hallmark card cost these days? I think probably a good five or six bucks. At least. And that's assuming it doesn't have any stuff on it. I mean, you can get something like $9 and $10

at Sing and do all sorts of things. This year for Thanksgiving, I mean Thanksgiving, for, like nine and ten dollars at saying and do all sorts of things this year for Thanksgiving I mean Thanksgiving for I just love food for Valentine's Day listen for all of you guys listening to the show go out on a limb and make your own card even if you have to find a song that

your significant other loves and you write the lyrics to that song inside the card because you can't come up but you can you can come up with something but not the rhyme but do that

like that'd be amazing you just gave a million men who are out there because this is Valentine's Day and they haven't bought anything yet they're like yes

just write dude make your own card make your own card is that right fair oh very fair I like how all the dudes are like, yeah, that's great. And all the women are like, no, we want money.

No. No. No, I think that's, I would love that. I've rubber-signed that a couple of times. And I'm perfectly happy with that. I'd love that. Seriously. Good.

I'm in on that. I think I'm going to do that too. Also, especially once it's out of your bank account too. You're sharing bank accounts and you're like, how much was this? Yeah. Also, especially once it's out of your bank account too, you're sharing bank accounts and you're like, how much was this? Yeah, just for it to pay some other dude or AI to tell you. For a card that then you're like, okay, if I throw this away,

I'm kind of a horrible person, but now I'm going to keep them. What am I supposed to do with this? Make something amazing. Write it like on, I don't know, like some scrap wood out of the garage or something. Do something cool for Valentine's Day. But hey, while we're here, for those of you who are new, welcome to the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm John. It's good to see you. I'm clearly amazing at this job. But we talk about

relationships, marriages, mental health, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. Last year, we did our first ever marriage retreat here in Nashville, Tennessee. It was Money in Marriage event. Me and my good friend, Rachel Cruz, we tag team back again. We put together a big event. People came from all over the country. And it was easily the best event I've ever been a part of in my life ever. And it was so, to give you an indicator of how good it was, half the tickets for this

upcoming year were sold that day. People were like, we're doing this again. And it was amazing. There's a lot of science about sex, about money, about communication, about how to fight, all the stuff. We listen to you guys. I still stay pretty attuned to the scholarship out there and the literature out there. I talk to couples all over the country. We are glued into the pulse. And by the way, Rachel and I are both married. We both got kids. We're both trying to figure it out too. If you want to be a part of this event, go. Where do they go, Kelly? RamseySolutions.com slash events. Okay. Slash events, uh, Ramsey solutions.com slash events. Get your ticket. Um, it will be incredible. It's going to be in October. Is that's right?

Correct. Okay. And this upcoming October. So get them now guys, if you don't know what to do, get online right now or anybody, men or women get online right now. get your tickets for the money marriage conference uh i think it's 7.99 it's expensive but it's all weekend there's meals it's there's it's just trust me it's amazing um get your tickets you can print them out and you can hand put them in an envelope along with the card that you made and it'll be a great valentine's day gift be awesome uh all right let's go out to Denver, Colorado, and talk to Daniel. Hey, Daniel, what up?

Hey, Dr. Deloney. Nice to meet you. And also with you. Over the phone. So my, I don't know if I really have a narrowed down question for this, but I guess I just need advice in the following situation.

So I had, I have a pretty close friend group, right? Um, and about a year, year ago, um, one of the girls in this friend group told me that she had feelings for me and we're all about, you know, 24, 25. So it's kind of, you know, serious things. Right. And then I, I, I kind of had said, I kind of felt similar, but I didn't feel ready to really go forward with anything legitimate just because I was afraid. Um, and you know, kind of a bunch of things happen flash forward throughout that year, year and a half. Um,

I know she had told some of the other girls in our friend group that she kind of was done dating and she knows that like, I'm the one like that, that is it done deal. Um, she was kind of just waiting for me. She was done looking. and yeah, I, I kind of just didn't do anything about it. And it's my understanding that it had been like that up until

recently, more or less. And then on new year's Eve, all of our friends, we had a party, whatever. And then I came back with my roommates back to our house. And one of my roommates, who is one of my best friends, kind of also, we all have the same friends. And he said, me and this girl have been dating for the last month. And, you know, obviously my heart kind of sank. Why? Hold on, on why why aren't you happy for your buddy that he's dating an amazing girl that you didn't want to even date it's yeah yeah um i i i just was flat out afraid and then in the last maybe in all of December, I was like, you know what?

I'm being dumb. This person has everything that matters, like everything. It was the person. And so I totally made up my mind. I was going to just not be dumb. And then he dropped that bomb. And don't get me wrong. I was so happy for them because he is one of the best people I know.

She's one of the best people I know. And so I guess one of my questions is, you know, something we talk about a lot is kind of morning dreams and morning relationships with people that might be alive. And I guess, um, you know, how can I do that with someone that I have to see all the time now man you've put a ton like

a metric ton like a dump truck full of granite backing up and just dumping granite dust ton of pressure on yourself and on this relationship. You're talking about her as though she's dead,

or you're talking about her as though they're married. Yeah. And I actually think it's beneath that. There is no one person. You got to get that out of your head. That's not a thing. It's not real. There's no one like, I finally just decided she's the one. That's not a thing it's not real there's no one like i finally just

decided she's the one that's not a thing you decided i really want to date her yeah and then she was like oh i've moved on and and it's it's just sucks yeah but i mean when you say like i don't know how to what do you, I don't know how to, what do you mean you don't know how? I don't understand. Like, is it a bummer? Yeah, of course. But I mean, is she coming around and like kind of looking at you and winking?

Does she still have feelings for you and you don't know what to do about it? And you think she's just like kind of biding her time with a guy that's your buddy? That's something that I'm kind of afraid of because the way he, I hadn't told anybody about, you know, that last year or whatever.

And then he had said, when he told me, he had said he initiated it and I think she took time to, you know, whatever, think about it. And then, you you know they decided to to date but he had said that they were most anxious about my reaction and we kind of would pass that in the moment but I can't stop thinking about that because I think a part of me is worried

that what if yeah what if it is exactly what you said and so yeah i'm partially yeah i don't know i i for whatever reason you're putting so much pressure on a thing that i don't think can bear the weight you're you're stacking on it like i don't know i don't know what the secrecy is getting you i don't know what your initial stumble to her asking you out or telling you like, hey, I got feelings for you. I don't know what your hesitation is right now. Like your best buddy on the planet who happens to be a roommate when he comes home and he's like, dude, I finally been dating this girl for a month. And you're like, oh my gosh, I had the biggest crush on her too, man. Like, I don't understand why those conversations are so hard for you.

But it sounds like beneath this thing, I keep coming up with this question, what are you afraid of? Because you're afraid to date her. Let me say this. You are afraid of her looking at you and saying, I've chosen you. And your body went, nope, I'm out. Even though you liked her. Then your roommate is like

Hey man I have this other And instead of being like Ah me too she's amazing And I hate you but good for you man Your body went ah What are you afraid of I've seen the show long enough To know that you would have seen right through me

What are you afraid of dating her What are you Well, I mean, what are you afraid of, dating her? What are you afraid of not dating her? What are you afraid of even when you decided, all right, she's the one I'm going to. I took you another 30 days. Yeah. Haven't you ever listened to any Eminem song? You only get one shot. Yeah. What are you afraid of man oh man that is i i mean i i was

afraid of a lot of things to be honest but um like honestly if i if you if we had this phone call a year or two ago it would have been, I would have been a totally different person. You know, not to totally just kiss your feet, but seriously, I feel that your show, listening to it for the last however long, like, really has helped me a lot and changed who I am a lot.

And that's... Well, has it worked enough? Because I would have told you just to tell her, I really like you. And I'm scared to death about where this is going to go Or I would have told my buddy Like dude I was about to ask her out so good on you And the moment y'all break up I'm all in

Right I mean like Alright can I tell you the other side of this? I'm kind of holding back on you Okay go for it I can take it You can't I'm going to tell you but first um because i'm just gonna make everything more complicated first thing you gotta tell me what you're scared of stop being evasive just what are you scared of man what is it that you date her and ultimately

i'll break up that your buddy your best friend is like get out of my house i hate you i'm marrying her like if that's who that dude is you're out of my house i hate you i'm marrying her like if that's who that dude is you're gonna end up blowing up anyway you might as well do it now like what are you scared of yeah and he he's not like that at all of course he's not he wouldn't be your best friend if he was you're the one you are the one with the problem what is it? I know. I know. Yeah. I mean, to be honest, when, when she had first said that a year ago, I couldn't help but almost look down on her. Like I, in a weird way. Yeah.

Like I, I almost, I, I kind of was thinking how, why would you like me? You're crazy. No, I don't know if that makes sense. I was thinking, why would you like me? You're crazy. No. I don't know if that makes sense. It makes perfect sense, but dude, you will not answer my question. I don't care about the last year and how you're different because you listen to my show. I don't care what you felt when she first said that. What are you scared of?

Not being good enough, I think. Okay, there you go. Not being good enough, I think. Okay, there you go. Not being good enough. And you have somebody that you care about, that you really like, that you trust, that's a part of your gang that looks at you and says, I see it. And your impulse is to call her a liar with your actions. Nah, it's stupid.

And then your buddy who has chosen you to do his 20s with chosen you you're like nah that's not real either yeah and until you put your head up high and say i'm worth loving i'm worth being friends with i'm worth telling the truth, you're going to continue to be caught in this loop. Because people are going to try to reach out and get close to you because you're probably

a really good guy. But you're a really good guy at arm's length. And until you decide, I'm going to let somebody past arm's length and that means they can truly hug me,

but that also means they can stab me. Until you decide, I'm going to let somebody past arm's length, and that means they can truly hug me, but that also means they can stab me. Until you decide to tread there, you're going to be in this loop, brother. Yeah. So do you think that a conversation with either one of them is warranted? All right, so here's part two. I had this conversation, and I've been married to her for 21 years oh nice yeah and here's the other deal the buddy on the other end of this um wasn't my roommate we weren't super close but he's a guy that i had high respect for even back in college

how we met is a hilarious story um we met in a punk club. We saw a guy in the middle of the club just basically assault a woman. He pulled her down and smashed her to the floor. She was crowd surfing. And from one side, I was on one side of the punk club floor and he was on the other. And both of us saw it happen from the opposite ends and both of us crashed into this dude both of us took the guy out at the same time and as we all piled into the floor i was like hey you are you going to my college and he's like yeah hey man that's how we met and then a few uh years later or a year and a half later i went back and i the woman who's my wife now it said hey i'm all in if you are and I said i'm not and she moved on

She's like cool. I'm not moving on and she was dating a great guy that is awesome. Good guy character, man And eventually I came back and said I was wrong and he was A good enough person. He's like, I know that's fair And he could have thrown a temper tantrum and like well i'm gonna meet you in the parking lot, bro No, dude, he's got to meet you in the parking lot, bro. No, dude, he's a confident, kind, honest guy. Could it have gone sideways?

Yeah, of course. But I'm looking at a quarter century with the same woman and thank God I took that risk. Yeah, and I've thought that too. I think I'm just, yeah, I mean, I'm afraid of it going south and now I'm living with this person who we, you know, had a falling out with or something. And I know it's not the best to look at the friends who figure this out the quickest win life. What I'm about to tell you. Every relationship is a risk. Every one. Every friendship is a risk.

Every dating relationship is a risk. It's a risk when she says, I do, and you say, I do. It's a risk 15 years in when you have two kids and your bodies both don't look the same and you look over and say do you still love me and she says I do and then 45 years later

when you have grandkids and both of you look like a hollowed out version of yourselves that you married when you're in your 20s you wake up and one of you is sick and one of you has a knee replacement and you look at each other and go, do you still love me?

It will always be a risk. What I got really comfortable with early on was risking that relationship. And have I gotten hurt? Dude, real bad. But has it been the, every blessing in my life? Yep, everyone. Everyone was taking that relational risk.

Now, you can be an idiot about this, or you can say, hey, dude, roommate, we need to go out. And had I been roommates with this other guy, I would have had that conversation that way first. But since we didn't run in the same circles, we didn't hang out. He's just a guy at my university. Just a good guy.

I didn't go to him first. I went to her, the woman who's now my wife. But in your case, that's your roommate, dude. So you go to him first. And you say, hey, I need to be honest with you. Like this was gearing up and I was right about to ask her out after a year of toying around with it. And don't say she told me I'm the one forever. Don't do any of that crap.

Because that's just going to tank what he's got now. But say, hey, I'm really happy for you. But man, I got such a crush on her, dude. I just don't want to be weird between us. Yeah. And then tell them, whenever you're out of town, I'm probably going to cheat on her with you. Just kidding.

Don't say that. Don't say that. It's a bad word. Here's why I would. Even forget the romantic relationship part. Here's why I would. That's your best friend. Y'all are roommates.

And there's a secret between you now. Don't live like that. It's going to mess up breakfast. It's going to mess up lunch. It's going to mess up dinner. And it's one of those things you don't want to have that conversation because it might go bad. It might go bad in a big way. And so what you're going to do is you're, instead of it being a single grenade explosion, it's just going to be death by paper cut, death by BB gun over and over and over and over until it wipes out. Don't do that, man. And by the way, you're 24, 25. You're going to have hard conversations like this relationally for the rest of your life.

And it becomes a skill that you learn how to do well or that you shy away from. And your kids don't want to hang out with you. Your spouses want to hang out with you. your spouses want to hang out with you, you have trouble at work. So get good at these hard conversations. Get good at them. Just start by being honest and putting it out there.

And maybe your buddy will go, thank God, dude, I don't care. I've been dating her for a week, a month. She's the worst. Or he may say, I'm going to marry her. And you go, cool, I'll be your best man. I'll be right there. She's the one that got away.

Good on you. Because what are'm going to marry her. And you go, cool. I'll be your best man. I'll be right there. She's the one that got away. Good on you. Because what are you going to do? But you, my brother, have to put your head up high and stop walking around wondering why the world likes a guy that you don't even like. You can't give what you don't have. If you don't love yourself, you can't give what you don't have if you don't love yourself You can't give that out You're worth it man, we'll be right back Hey good folks, let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around But one thing you might not think about though

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app. When you go to hallow.com slash Deloney, go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to the Czech Republic and talk to Sofia. Hey, Sofia, what's up? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm so good. And how are you? I'm fine. I wanted to ask you about my relationship with my husband, which is quite trained right now. Yeah, you bet. Thanks for calling. Okay, so the question is, how do I accept my husband's decision about the house that we live in,

or should I demand a change? So it's like a relationship housing problem. It's probably deeper than that, but tell me, walk me through what happened. What are you wrestling with? Yeah, so we are like a blended family. We are married for five years and we were both single parents before. So our house is like full, like his kids, my kids,

and now we've got little ones like together. So our lives are really, really full. And my husband was saving up to buy a house like his entire career. So finally, when we get together, for him, it was the time to buy something. And he chose a house that is quite distant from the city that we work in. All right, let me stop right there. Let me stop right there. Yeah, yeah.

Why? Why? And I want to make sure I don't miss anything in cultural, right, with culture, right? Yeah. In the U.S., when I get married, I would never take what would, quote-unquote, be my money and go buy the house that I want. When I got married, it would be our money, and we would decide where we were going to live. Yeah. But it's kind of complicated.

Okay. Because I made two assumptions when we were buying the house. First was if that's his dream house, he will stop working that much because he already fulfilled his dream. And the second one because I'm easy on the property market. I had huge experience with that. So I just thought he will realize that this house doesn't serve our family and we will just sell it and move somewhere else. And the thing about money is that before we were married, I had the idea that he was taking advantage in his previous relationships financially. So we kept our accounts separate, and the house was bought from his savings because it was his decision that I keep my apartment and use it as a rental now.

Do you follow me? I got it, yeah. So he had a place and then you had an apartment like a condo of some sort, like a rental. Then do you, like we both had our condos

and he sold his. And he already had, no, his is also a rental because he, he really saved up for like for, for his whole career

to buy his dream house. And so a couple of things happened. Number one, you didn't sit down. You've heard me talk about pictures and words on this show. Have you ever heard me talk about that? No, no.

Because these assumptions I made in my head, I didn't talk about them. That's what I mean. So we think in pictures, but we speak in words. So when you got married, you thought,

oh, he's going to realize this is dumb. You had a picture where he buys his house and he quickly realizes this isn't right for us. And he sells it and he comes to you and he's like, Sophia, we're going to get a house that's better for us. And you're like, yes. Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah, exactly.

That is what I thought it would happen, but it didn't. Yeah. There's an old, uh, the word assume a S S U M E. Yeah. There's an old marketing saying in, in the, in the States that when you assume you make an ass out of you and me. So here we are right right? Here we are. Yeah. And I'm kind of stuck because from time to time, I'm checking the property market, which is dumb. I can tell you what this situation does to me.

I'm like frustrated. Have you told your husband? Have you told your husband? Yes, I did. I'm like yelling at my house. I still think it doesn't serve us because it takes too much time and energy to serve the house, not the family. And the atmosphere in the house is full of discontent, full of tension. And I just lack joy. That's how I feel about the situation.

Yes. And so what is, and he's not on the phone, because I would have a whole different conversation with him, but you're the only one that's on the phone, right? Yeah, yeah. And so I would ask you, what is choosing discontent right now accomplishing for you? Like, I got this impression, I feel that he chose his work over the family,

and he chose this property over our family. Okay, hold on, hold on. That's a story you've chosen to make up about your husband because you haven't asked him. Yes, yes. Okay, and so here's what's happened. You've made up a story about what he's thinking and about why he's doing what he's doing,

and then you're mad about it. I told him so. Okay, what did he say? I told him so, and he said that this doing what he's doing. And then you're mad about it. I told him so. Okay. What did he say? No, I told him so. And he said that this is all for the family. And this place is beautiful and I should enjoy it and just express gratitude and all this gratitude stuff that makes your life better.

Here's what I can't... Can I just tell you what happened in my life? Is that okay? Yeah, yeah I bought a home My wife and I bought a home That we'd wanted out in the country On six acres

It's beautiful It's stunning It's a small house It's not a huge house But it's a small house It's perfect for our family And My wife came to me about a year ago

Six months ago And said, hey I'm driving in the car Three and a half hours a day. Getting kids to school. That's exactly the same way I think. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, but listen. Three and a half hours to school and back.

Whenever I'm at home on the weekends, I'm mowing and it takes me hours to mow and keep up all the grounds of the place. And it is beautiful. And it is beautiful. And it is ours. And it's also not serving our family in this moment. But here's what my wife did for me. She articulated. What? She didn't just say, I hate it here.

And you, I thought you. She didn't do it like that. She said, this is beautiful. It's amazing. And it's such a gift And I need you to know Here's my experience every day while you're gone And we looked Me and my wife looked for houses yesterday

Okay Oh did you? Yes because of how I didn't know what I mean this is on me I was oblivious to I didn't know she was in the car three and a half hours a day that's madness

and she's going to be for the next decade because I have a young child right and also believe me I have more I know you got a bunch

but also I want to hang out with my friends and it takes me 45 minutes to get to a buddy's house which means I often say no to stuff right I feel isolated.

I miss my family. Nobody really visits me because it's just too far. And if you compare it to the States, it's not far. My commute is not far, but it's far because I don't have access to public transportation.

I don't have food delivery. I don't have playgrounds around. I don't have swimming pools around. I don't have any to public transportation. I don't have food delivery. I don't have playgrounds around. I don't have swimming pools around. I don't have any of those things either. So I totally understand. Here's the deal. If you come at your husband as though he did this to you on purpose

or he's some kind of moron and idiot, here's what he's thinking. I bet. I bet that he had a dream that he is going to give his wife the most amazing place in the country, a place where all the kids could run and play, and he was going to work himself to death

in honor of his family. And then the person he, in his head, is doing this for says, you're doing this, you're doing, he has, he's just offending himself because he feels attacked. That's different than, hey, I know you want to love me. Here's the best way that I could, I would feel loved in this up, in this season right now. You see how one's a different conversation? He needs a different conversation

because it's really difficult to communicate my feelings without high emotions. And when he hears these emotions, he just shuts. Yeah, exactly right. That's right. That's universal. When somebody attacks you, you either

when somebody, okay, so tell me if I'm wrong. You don't say anything. You don't say anything. You don't say anything. You have these imaginary conversations in your head about the house and about the kids and about the drive and I want to see my family and then it all bubbles up and it explodes

and either he shuts down or he comes out swinging, which is what you do, right? When somebody tries to fight you, you either punch shuts down or he comes out swinging, which is what you do, right? When somebody tries to fight you, you either punch them back or you curl up until they get done punching you. Yeah, he would rather shut down.

Okay. But the thing that I'm not, like, I'm suppressing it, but I also try to do it in the best intention, not to, like, be angry every day, but I but I still deeply inside I'm suppressing everything okay and then I just explode yeah in counseling we call that suppression we call it leakage which is a terrible disgusting word but it will leak all over your house until it finally explodes. And I'm going to tell you... Because every argument

ends up about the house. That's right. And so, you are worth more than that and he is too. In the relationship, yeah. Yeah, and listen, there were years when all I knew was I wasn't doing being a parent the right way.

All I knew was I didn't know how to be a husband the right way. I'd never done this before. But I knew how to do my work. So I started spending more and more and more time at work because I wanted to honor my family and serve my family. And they rewarded me there. At home, I was just doing it all wrong. And so it took me and my wife sitting down and her saying, no, dude, I see you. You're amazing.

Can I teach you the like, let's do it like this and this and this. This is the way you can love me. This is the way you can love your son in this way instead of this way. What an amazing difference that has made. Yeah, I like to appreciate him. No, no, it's both. It's saying it's gratitude, but it's also instructive. Because you can't just, you feel the way you feel, man.

It's too far away. The house doesn't work for you and your family. You're too far away. The house doesn't work for you and your family. You're too far away. What I always tell people, if the conversation gets too emotional, you find that anger or rage or whatever bubbling up inside of you, write it down and then read it to him in person. Write it down. Wait for when there's a moment when there's not a fight. Like you're not in the middle of something, we're going to plan this. It's maybe on the year anniversary

or the two-year anniversary of living in this home or some other moment and you read the letter. Honey, you gave us this big thing for us and you worked yourself to the bone for it. I'm so grateful that you loved us like this. And it's not working for us. It's both and. And I don't mean that to minimize your sacrifice and your gifts.

I mean that to say, hey, I want to do our money together. I want to do our life together. And I want to be honest with you. And this isn't working. Now, I'm taking a lot of liberty here. I don't know where you live in the Eastern Bloc. I don't know what the culture is. I don't know if you as a woman don't get to say anything. I don't know that. I don't know if it just sounds insane to not share your money. So I'm giving you a very Western perspective of this.

But what I can tell you is universal is if you squash how you feel, if you shove that down, it will explode and it will destroy you and it will destroy him and your kids are absorbing this tension in your home. And if every day you go home and you say, I hate this house, I hate this house, I hate this house, I hate this house, I hate this house, I hate this house. You're just spraying poison all over the house and

there's nothing about that is that's going to change. You're not going to change the situation. And so sometimes there is, if he goes, all right, fine, we got to move. That's cool. It's going to take a while. Okay. I'm going to choose to come home and I'm going to look for five things at this house, how great it is. Not, yeah, but I don't get, no, I'm going to do five things every day

that I'm so grateful for this home. The quiet, the stillness. I'm going to focus on that part because why not? Choosing the other is just choosing misery. I just don't, I mean, there's too much of that in the world, man, to choose more. I think the time has come for a hard conversation. A respectful, kind, direct conversation, but a hard one.

And I recommend you write it down. And if he says, I'm not moving, I'm never moving, this is good, get over it, well, then you've got a hard, hard decision to make. Do you want to make peace and open my hands up and make this my home? I'm not going to leave him. I'm going to take our kids and I'm going to go somewhere else. Hopefully, y'all can have a conversation about what it would look like to build a home and a life

together that's my hope thanks for the call Sophia holler back let me know how that conversation goes I'll be rooting for you I'll be right back this show is sponsored by BetterHelp October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work.

We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families.. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100%

online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Cleveland, Ohio and talk to Gary. What's up, Gary? What's up? How are we doing today?

We're doing good, man. All right. Before I start, I just want to say thank you for taking my call. I'm a long-time listener and the knowledge you share is just truly invaluable. So I just want to say thank you for that first. Thanks, man. Yeah, absolutely. My question for you today is I am struggling with my empathetic side, so how do I open up again and fix my current relationship? Tell me about it. yeah so feel free to cut me off whenever because it's a pretty long backstory here but um i lost my mom to cancer in 2019 and about a month after thank you yeah about a month after that um to make

things even better um i found out my girlfriend was cheating at cheating on me um so as you know obviously that's pretty difficult to deal with and instead of seeking professional help i kind of took it upon myself to get better. What that looked like for me was really just the music, the gym. Did y'all break up? Yes. We broke up. And so 2019, mom passes away.

2019, girlfriend. How old are you? I just turned 25, so I was 20 at the time. Okay, so 20. A girlfriend that was starting to mean something to you. Find out that she's totally ripped your heart out. Yeah. Then at 21, when the world is supposed to be your oyster, the world shuts down for the next two and a half years. Mm-hmm.

You've had a run, man. Sorry. Yeah, thank you. Mm-hmm. You've had a run, man. Sorry. Yeah. Thank you. It's not a fun way to get launched into adulthood, dude. That sucks. I'm sorry. Yeah. All right.

But then you tried to David Goggins it, and so you just tried to crush it, and then what'd you do? Yeah. So I focused on my job, my career. I was currently in college at the time and really just wanted to make myself the best person I can be. And I can say I did that. I look a lot better. I'm financially successful now, and I've reached a lot of those goals. The issue that I see now, though, is that I suppress my feelings in doing that. And it's really starting to affect my current relationship with my girlfriend, my family, and pretty much anyone I meet. Those relationships I'm forming

just are one in arm, one in arm. I'm sorry, one arm in, one arm out. Why do you do that to yourself? Are you afraid that someone's going to leave you again? I think that's part of it. I just, I don't know where to start. Like when I can't, I struggle with giving reassurance because of what happened. And I struggle with- Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Go back to that. What? You struggle to reassure somebody that you care about because of what happened? What do you mean? I feel like that time I spent that three years just focusing on myself, I wake up, I put my head down, I go and work. And now I feel like I'm stuck in that rhythm.

So I find it difficult to be that person I used to be that had that perfect balance because that's all I've kind of told myself when trying to fix my life, I guess. Balance is a myth, dude. Don't seek that. It's not real. Okay? Somewhere along the way, you quit doing the hard thing. Because for you at the beginning, the hard thing was, I'm going to take personal responsibility of my health, of my money.

I'm going to quit chasing girls. When the world shuts down, I'm going to hit chasing girls when the world shuts down. I'm gonna hit the gas even harder You went and did some really hard things in the face of a ton of forward pressure And then that stuff got comfortable that's who you are that's what you do And you've lost the ability to go do the hard thing Which is to sit down with somebody and seem scared And when you lose that ability to go do the hard thing, which is to sit down with somebody and say, I'm scared. And when you lose that ability,

you start to get pretty judgmental about people. And it's hard for you to like, well, if you just exercise, you wouldn't feel like this. Or why don't you just tell that guy it worked right? You turn into that guy. Yeah. And that guy's a coward. I don't disagree. I hate that that is what this has turned into

because when I tried to fix it myself, that's obviously not what I had in mind. Well, I want to honor you for what you did, man. I know, but... You circled the wagons. You took care of yourself. Now we got to do something different. Correct.

I don't know where that starts. I don't know if it's coming from a place of trauma or depression or grief, but I just can't figure it out. I think the challenge is, is that your response to relational pain happened to be one that the world will cheer you on and give you pats on the back for, but it's the same thing as though you went drinking see what i'm saying yeah you went and grabbed dumbbells which thank god you're healthier for it physically

the problem is you were running and running and running i don't want to face what happened to my mom and the fragility of life mom wasn't supposed to leave me when I was only 19 or 20. That's bull crap. Mom's supposed to be there forever and be my grandma of my kids, all that. And she died. And then you, the woman you turned to your girlfriend was like, by the way, I'm cheating on you. And so you went to a drug and the drug wasn't heroin.

Thank God the drug wasn't opiates. Good for you, man. The drug wasn't alcohol. The drug was crush it, kill it. Domination. And I'll applaud you, man. You at least channeled that pain into something that wasn't going to kill you

in the moment. But at some point, you got to sit down and reckon with the fact that your mom left. She passed away. And at some moment, you got to realize that the woman you're dating now is not the woman who cheated on you when you were 20. And holding this woman responsible

for what that woman did isn't fair. True or false? It's true. And like I said, it's just, it's like pulling teeth, trying to like come to that realization and actually put those words into action for me. That's fair. That's fair. Can you start thinking of yourself as an addict? Absolutely. Because that is my escape now. Like if I become become stressed i'll go to the gym or i'll just go work because that's what i'm used to doing i put my head down and to me that's making myself better but i've come to know that that's short term and long term you know i do want a family and i do want you know meaningful relationships back in my life. And I just really don't know how to get that started.

Yeah. So dude, you got to trust me on this. You're so far ahead of the game, man. The fact that you've recognized this, it's amazing. Okay. I'm really proud of you. I'm proud of you for just dealing with your pain in a, in a, in a quasi productiveproductive way. I'm also proud of you realizing most guys figure this out, what you're figuring out,

after they've made their $10 or $20 or $30 million sale. And they get a big fancy car, and they get another nice house, and they got no one. Right? So good for you for finding this out now for at least feeling this now that's amazing tells me the light's still on it's good the challenge you're gonna have is if you were drinking alcohol i would tell you you can never go to a bar again ever that has to be done with your life if you are struggling with a food addiction, it's a different trajectory

because you have to make peace with food because you can't just not eat food for the rest of your life, right? That's going to be you. You got to make peace with work. You got to make peace with exercise. That has to be a part of your life. And I'll tell you,

if you right now, before you're married, before you got kids, before you have moved on in your career, if you already use exercise as a way to combat stress, don't ever lose that. It's awesome. If you use the gym as a place to hide, instead of having a direct hard conversation with your girlfriend or your wife, we need to deal with that. Right? Yeah. So I think for you, it's refinding, reimagining, readopting the posture of Gary does hard things.

That's who Gary is. And whatever the hardest thing in your life happens to be head into that. And right now it sounds like the hardest thing to do is to sit down and not say anything. When somebody comes into your sphere and they're 30 pounds overweight and they're like, Oh, I just don't want to do anything. And you're thinking in your head, just go work out. Right. Yeah. The hardest thing is to exhale and just don't say anything. The hardest thing is when you have a, like, I'm going to work four more hours tonight, and then I'm going to go to the gym until 10 p.m. And then, and this pretty cute, pretty smart, pretty amazing person that you're dating says,

hey, could we just have dinner together tonight? The harder thing sometimes is skipping the workout and choosing connection and feeling it in your body my body's like you're lazy you're no i'm not choosing love right now i'll make up the workout tomorrow morning. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. That's exactly how I feel. For guys like you and me skipping the gym, it's hard. I have a lot of demons and the gym makes me feel better.

Yeah. Often the hardest thing for me to do is rest and sometimes i need to go do 45 minutes in the gym and then have a hard conversation but i'm gonna go have the hard conversation see what i'm saying yeah absolutely who is somebody in your life that you want to heal a relationship with like i said mostly ever since this stuff had happened, just my current girlfriend and my family, I've since moved away from home.

That obviously doesn't make things better, but it was for a job. But I just don't reach out as much as I should. Like you said, Who's telling you all these shoulds? Where is that coming from? My brain.

Cause I know the person that I used to be before and the relationships I used to have before all this happened. And I want to get back to that level of caring. Okay. How hard would it be to call your sister or your dad or your brother or a cousin and say, hey, when you got 15 minutes, I want to talk. And they call you right back. And you say, dude, I went MIA for the last three years.

And I didn't have the toolkit to deal with mom passing. I didn't have the toolkit to deal with mom passing. I didn't have the toolkit to deal with whatever cheating on me. And I just, I just went into hiding and I'm sorry. I miss you. Can you just follow that script and make the calls to who you need to call? Yeah. My promise is one or two people won't want to have like,

well, that's what you, well, they'll respond like that. And I would almost guarantee that other people will be like, their hearts will heal. And that doesn't mean you become soft and it doesn't mean you become weak and it doesn't mean you become a lesser version of crushing it and grinding it it means you become whole finally fair fair i think it's a good place to start and i also think sit down with your girlfriend and say my mom left she died I never dealt with it. I ran

And then somebody cheated on me and i'm so sorry, but i've been holding you accountable for that and that's not fair and that means That when I text you and you don't text me back within an hour my heart rate picks up I start getting uneasy And then I bomb you with a bunch of text. I'm going to stop doing that, but I want you to know it's hard. I'm practicing. I'm trying because I got to deal with this, not you. And that's you calling out.

That's you. All you're doing there is the same as you do in a gym. Hey, bro, can I get a spot? I'm about to put up some weight that's heavy, and I'm not 100% sure I can make it. You got me? And a stranger in a gym goes, yeah, I got you. All you're doing in this situation is telling your girlfriend, I love you, and I'm about to start trying to do something different. Because I'm still reactive, and I'm not going to be reactive with you.

I like you too much. But going from reaction to trust, that's a process. It's hard. I got to practice that. So I'm asking for you to spot me. I'm asking you to be great, gracious with me. Is there something she's asking of you that you struggle to provide?

It's mostly, like you said, just the reassurance thing and just reminding her that, you know, she's important to me and I love her and that I need her in my life. And like I said, it's just some days that I struggle with that more than others. And she recognizes that. And she doesn't know the old person I used to be, but it bothers me because I know deep down, I can give her more and I'm not. Okay. What would you tell me if I came to you in the gym and I said,

dude, I see you here all the time and you always can go one more like Nick Barr. Like you can always go one more. Yeah. How do I do that? What would you tell me? I just tell you to dig deeper and you got to want it. There you go, dude. Right there. So put a thing on your phone that reminds you that sends an alarm to you once every four hours.

That just says make a funny face and text it to my girlfriend and remind her I'm so grateful that you're in my life. It's that small. Once a week your calendar will send you a ding that reminds you pick up some flowers on the way home. It's that small I don't want to I feel like I don't care how you feel same as you would tell me in the gym I don't care how you feel go do another set Same thing we agreed on this workout. We're going to be a person of integrity.

You agreed to date her. That means you agreed to respect her, treat her right. And here's the deal. It's not a character issue. We're just practicing our way back to something. We're practicing our way forward to something new, a new set of skills.

You got to, you got to let Gary off the hook, man. Gary did what Gary had to do to survive. I'm proud of you. Can I tell you something else that's hard? Yeah. Your mom didn't leave you on purpose, man.

Are you still mad? A little bit. Yeah. You mad at her? It's okay to be. Yeah, just how it all went down yeah was it quick?

yeah you got just put on a ventilator and kind of had to make a game time decision which my dad

really wasn't sure about so he kind of looked down to me and my brother and my sister and my sister. God, Gary. Hey, that was never your call to make.

You understand? Yeah. That was not your job. It was not your job. Hear me real careful, bro. You did not take your mom's life. Got it? Got it.

Your mom, I promise you, if she could do anything in the world, it would have been to spend another 10 minutes with you. I promise you. You did right. You got to set that brick down, my brother. Gary's a good guy. And while we're here, that girl didn't cheat on you because of you.

Fair? Fair. Okay. Here's your homework assignment tonight. You ready? Yep. Got my pen ready. I want you's your homework assignment tonight. You ready? Yep. Got my pen ready. I want you to write Gary a letter.

20-year-old Gary. I want you to start with, Dear Gary, can you believe Dad put me in this position, put us in this position? But we know Mom. Mom didn't want to hurt. We know Mom was in tons and tons and tons and tons of pain, and her body was shutting down.

We weren't even old enough to drink, yet we got put in a position to make a call that we weren't ready to make, but we did the best we could, and I'm proud of you. I want you to write that letter to Gary. Okay. Okay? You got to let that guy go. He's 20 years old, man.

He's a kid. He deserves to go be goofy. Mm-hmm. Fair? Fair. Let me say it this way. You can't outrun that guy. He'll haunt you until you let him go.

Mm-hmm. Okay? And forgive your dad. He did you wrong, but he probably did the best he could he's losing everything yeah hanging on to that's not going to help anything moving forward set it down

and when we lose our parents when we lose someone we care about we lose someone we love we say stupid things so your sisters and brothers probably said dumb things. Let them let that set it down, man. Is that fair? Yeah, absolutely.

I'm really proud of you, man. Thank you. Write that letter to Gary and get on the phone and start calling people that you care about and you love. You just say, I went MIA and I'm back. Guess say, I went MIA. And I'm back. Guess who's back?

Back again. Gary's back. That's an old Eminem line if you don't know that. Man. I do. Attaboy. I was waiting for you to finish it. That's my workout. This is great workout music.

All right, hey. I'm proud of you. You call me anytime, Gary. Anytime I can walk with you. I'm going to send you two of my books, Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want that to be a guide for you. Part of that's going to be dealing with your health.

You've done a great job. Part of that's going to be dealing with relationships, and I got a map for you to help you get there. The second thing is I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future, which is dealing with that scary question, what do I do now? And it's got a roadmap for you, too. I love you, brother. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. You hung in there. Let's go do the next hard thing. Let's repair and rebuild and reconnect those relationships. Let's be whole. We'll be right back.

Hey, what's up? Deloney here. I am just super excited to announce I'm hitting the road with my buddy Dave Ramsey this spring on a brand new tour. Just us two. And we're putting a new twist on this thing. We're going to talk about money. We're going to talk about relationships. And we're going to tell stories y'all have never heard before. It's going to be an incredible, fun night. But every night is going to be totally different because you, the audience, are going to help choose what we talk about. You heard that right. It's going to be like no event you've ever been to. We're kicking it off in Louisville on April 21st, 2025, and then we're going to Durham, Atlanta, Phoenix, Fort Worth, and then Kansas City. You're going to laugh. You're going to learn, and if we do our jobs right,

you're going to change your life. Get your tickets for the Money in Relationships Tour today at ramseysolutions.com slash tour. All right, we're back, and in honor of Valentine's Day, I'm going to read the single most romantic song ever written, ever. My favorite love song of all time, of course, you all know, is I Remember You by Skid Row. most romantic song ever written. Ever. My favorite love song of all time, of course, y'all know, is I Remember You by Skid Row. But the most romantic song ever written is from the great Billy Joel.

The song's called She's Got a Way, and it goes like this. She's got a way about her. I don't know what it is, but I know that I can't live without her. She's got a way of pleasing, and I don't know what it is. There doesn't have to be a reason anyway. She's got a way of pleasing, and I don't know what it is. There doesn't have to be a reason anyway.

She's got a smile that heals me, and I don't know why it is, but I have to laugh when she reveals me. And she's got a way of talking. I don't know why it is, but it lifts me up, and we're walking anyway, anywhere. She comes to me when I'm feeling down, inspires me without a sound. She touches me, and I get turned around. Dude, that line. She comes to me when I'm feeling down and inspires me without a sound.

She touches me and I get turned around. I don't know what it is, but I know I can't live without her anyway. Guys, if you don't know what to do, write that song lyric down in a card and give that to her cheese love you guys bye