The Dr. John Delony Show - My Boyfriend Doesn’t Believe in Marriage

Episode Date: October 27, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: - A woman whose boyfriend is unwilling to get married - A man wondering if he should move in with his girlfriend - A man grappling with a lack of contentment at his job Next Steps:  📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message.  📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life  📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch    Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.    Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Big news. New dates for money and marriage getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend 2026. Get tickets at ramsysolutions.com slash events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee. So I've been with my dude for a little over a year. From the get-go, I knew that he did not believe in marriage. but then time goes on, and you kind of catch feelings. Like, I don't want to date somebody for the rest of my life. Your feelings are a terrible barometer for what's the next right move.

What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. Taking your calls from all over the planet on your mental, emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on. If you want to be on this show, go to John Deloney.com slash. Ask ASK. I'd love to have you on. Pull up a chair and we'll figure out what's going on in your life and what's the next right move. Let's go out to Salt Lake City, one of the favorite places on the planet. Salt Lake City, Utah and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah? What is cooking, Dr. John?

Not a lot. What's up in your world? So I kind of feel like I'm at a difficult crossroads in my relationship. and every time I make a decision on which way that I want to go, it always feels like the wrong choice. And so I was hoping to kind of pick your brain and see if you would just walk through this with me. Absolutely. Let it rip. Okay, so I've been with my dude for a little over a year.

And to be fair, from the get-go, I knew that he did not believe in marriage. And at the time, like, I met a new guy. You don't marry everybody that you meet. And so it wasn't a big deal. but then time goes on and you kind of catch feelings and so then six months in we had a pretty intense conversation where I'm like I do want to get married and his thoughts and feelings haven't changed on it but at that point like you don't marry somebody you've only known for six months so we decided let's just keep dating we're both where we would be in this relationship

even with our differing beliefs so now it's like a year and some change and I feel like I'm in a relationship that will never progress. Like, I don't want to date somebody for the rest of my life. Like, I want to have a husband. I want to be somebody's wife. I want to have that relationship. But then we talked about it just over a month ago, and one of the things he brought up, and it kind of just leaves me a little confused on my own position on this, is he's like, you say that you love me as much as you do. So why would you choose to to not have me in your life at all instead of just have me in your life in the capacity that I'm willing to be there.

So what are you going to do? Freaking, I don't know. Because I lean toward wanting to, I don't know, because even if when I think about breaking up, it's not like I want to break up with him so that I can date other people. It's just that I know that it's not going where I want it to go, you know? So I'm interested in this story, okay? Mm-hmm. When in your life, maybe it was six, maybe it was 14.

How old are you right now? I'm 39. 39, okay. When did you learn that your values come second? I do struggle with people pleasing Like pathologically Yeah How long

Who's the first person you can remember having to make sure they were Their needs were met So that you could be okay I know that I've Even as a younger child I wanted to make sure everybody was okay, right? And I have a lot of brothers who are very, very good to me. But, and I grew up, my dad was a contractor. And so I grew up watching my brothers, you know, use power tools while I

swept the floor because that was all I was allowed to do, which is funny because now I'm the one with the power tools and they are the ones that ask me for help. But I, I did feel like I needed to be strong to kind of have worth and value. Right. Mm-hmm. this situation seems just you sitting down. I know there's a lot of feelings, and I guess what I want to always challenge anybody on, but you're the one talking with me right now. Your feelings are a terrible barometer for what's the next right move.

And so when you get trapped between, I have this really deep value. It's wired into me. I knew it up front. and I feel like I want to go out with this guy. Awesome. This guy sounds honestly like he's pretty great. He told you the truth up front.

This is who I am. This is how I roll. Right. And it was fun to hang out with. You're 39, but you've got different priorities right now, right? Right. And somewhere along the way you thought either I can change him or nobody's like, really, really doesn't want to get married.

Like, I'll be so great that it will change. and you've continued to collapse your greatness in order to fit in this other person's worldview. Yeah. And so what I could say is this guy can be awesome, handsome, great, honest, and not want to be a part of a thing that you think is really important. And for some reason, the story that just pulses through your veins is somehow that makes you less than

and he did a great job turning it around on you making you feel like oh maybe it's my values that are wrong yeah I know that and I hear what you're saying and I agree with you

I didn't necessarily think that I wanted to change him per se but I did think that And I don't know if I've ever actually admitted it out loud, but I did think that eventually it would just be we'd go from spending four days a week together to spending all of the days a week together. And then it's like, what are we doing? Like, let's just, this is a marriage in everything but name, which that is against my faith beliefs, because I do believe that marriage should proceed anything like that. Well, and even if you don't believe faith-wise, the data, just the secular data says over time, your relationship will be stronger in a good or great marriage. You'll have more money. You'll have more sex. You'll have better health outcomes. Like, everything gears that way because I've been married 23 years. I've been with the same person for about 28 years. We had a bunch of breakups when we were dating. And I can confidently say we would not still be, quote, unquote,

together, if there weren't seasons where we were both anchored into this thing called marriage. Yeah. And I think, so some of the things that he, because he is a very rational person, and I have brought up, so he speaks into statistics and metrics more than anything else. And I have brought up those particular statistical data. but he usually is like the 50% of marriages end in divorce and 75% of those divorces are initiated by women

right and marriage makes sense if you're going to start a family like that's where the marriage relationship should be but we're old like we're not going to be having kids I have I have kids from a previous marriage and so it's like we're not going to start our own family so marriage just doesn't make sense and for me I look at it And it's like people who only want to date want to have a relationship where they have one foot out the door or at least an escape plan, right? Like it makes me feel a certain type of way when it's like, why am I not worth the risk of finding our lives together?

And I think, I mean, I think your questions are right. And I would not classify him as rational. I would classify him as an intellectual. Yeah. An intellectual can read and come up with any data that fits their predetermined outcome. Yeah. On either side, right? On either side of this thing.

And he has a point. When you take all marriages into equation, by the way, that includes second marriages and third marriages, a little less than half rollout. that's right he's right people are going to try to do the best they can with the information they have and they get to choose i'm going to be one of the 50 percent i'm going to try to increase that statistics i'm going to be i'm going to go all in will you go all in yeah or i have blessings that are far and away beyond what's the i'm going to try to use those blessings to support and love my community because i get to i get to do that i can be one of the one percent that's a scumbag and a jerk

whatever, or I can be one of the 1% that is so insanely philanthropic and, like, you get, here's what I'm trying to say, you get to choose. And he's choosing, I'm out. And really, it comes down to you get to choose. Yeah, so one of the things that he says is he's like, I want, he wants to date for at least five years just to, you know, make sure. And for me, like, that to me is just untenable. because he's like your youngest kid

will be an adult by them you're going to have a lot of things that change like let's just date for these five years and then we can decide then here's the thing here's the thing sir this is not a this is not a data conversation this is a conversation

that you know and you're right picking an arbitrary number like again he's using facts that are real facts to put him on the train

for the life he wants to live. Yeah. That's true. And what you're telling me is that track leads you away from who you want to be and the life you want to choose in whatever set a card you were dealt. Yeah.

And listen, just because just because a breakup hurts doesn't mean it's wrong. just because staying together is really hard doesn't mean it's wrong and just because of all the marriages really young kids in college all the way to people trying to do the third or fourth marriage when you extrapolate it all out a big chunk of them get divorced again doesn't mean I'm not going to give it a go and doesn't mean I'm going to do the best I can

because I think 50%, maybe 60%, I haven't looked at the date in the last couple of months of the United States citizens are classified as overweight. So am I not going to try to eat healthy and try to live as, be a good steward of my body and take care of myself so that when I'm older I have an amazing life,

So that in the present, I have an amazing life. It's more important than cupcakes or, I'm just making stuff up now, but more important than laying around watching TV or whatever. Half, right? And so I'm not going to look at that statistic and say, then I'm going to opt out. I'm going to look at that statistic and say, oh, dude, I'm going to go all in, all in. I'm going to make this commitment to go all in.

But here's the point. That's not the call you're asking me. The call you're asking me is I'm married to somebody who is looking at a set of facts and is intellectualized a path that he wants to take his life and live. Great. You have a value system that says, I want to get married,

I want to be anchored into somebody, and I want to ride or die for the rest of my life. And those two things are incompatible. and it's not about data. It's not about, well, this facts and this facts. It's about you saying this is the life that I want to live. This is what I believe, and this is one of my values. And when your values don't align, it's very hard to have a long-term relationship.

When beliefs are different all day long, it makes relationships fun and exciting and spicy. But when values aren't aligned, it's very hard to hang in there. It sounds to me in my guts, like you know what the next move is going to be. The question I are for you is how long are you going to punt this conversation or how long are you going to squash what you deeply value in order to hang on to something that maybe feel great, maybe feels fun, maybe feels loving, but ultimately you can't fully anchor into.

It's your move. make the choice that allows you to be who you want to be. Thanks for the call, sister. We come back. A man asks if he should move in with his girlfriend before getting engaged. This month, Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world, is offering two powerful prayer challenges. Starting October 13th, Jonathan Rumi, who plays Jesus in The Chosen,

is walking us through the story of all stories. This isn't just a bunch of disconnected Bible verses, it's the whole arc of scripture told like one big story. It's about real people who laugh, cry, mess up, and keep going, just like we're all trying to do. And then on October 20th, Hallow was also bringing back Jim Caviesel from the Passion of the Christ for a brand new journey through one of C.S. Lewis's most famous works, the screw tape letters. It's an honest look at how lives can end up spinning out of control through a thousand tiny disdeme. It's eye-opening and it's so good. This October, join us on Hallow for the story of all stories with Jonathan Rumi starting October 13th and the screw tape letters with Jim Cavizal starting October 20th. Right now, when you go to hallow.com slash Deloni, you'll get three months

for free. That's hallow.com slash Deloni for three months for free. All right, take two seconds and hit the subscribe button. Whether you listen to us on podcasts and Spotify or on the YouTube's, it makes a huge difference. It gets this show in front of more people, and it's a gift for everybody. Thank you so, so much. Let's go out to Minneapolis, Minnesota, and talk to Charlie. What up, Charlie? What's up?

Good morning, Dr. John. Good morning. My brother, how are you? I'm doing great. How are you done? Outstanding. Outstanding. What's up?

So I'm essentially wondering, I don't know it's kind of hard to pronounce it put this in the way that makes sense my girlfriend asked me if she wants if we want to move in together and I'm really struggling with that aspect and she mentioned in that conversation that she wants to be together living together before engagement for a while do you not want to do that I really do. I mean, I love her very much. It just part of me says, whoa, like, this is real and it's scary and financially, I don't want to put her in a situation because we both own houses before the relationship. So are you scared of a value situation? Are you scared of a data situation that says couples who move in together are more likely to break up than? couples who get married or are you nervous about commitment or maybe a little bit of all three

maybe a little bit of all three like pardon me says hey what if this doesn't work that's every relationship forever so you're going to have to get over that one yeah you're going to have to choose i'm going to go all in and pray and hope that she goes all in and you're all going to have to choose to put both feet in the boat and no matter what what path that river throws at you whether it's rapids whether it's smooth sailing whatever it is um we're going to stay in the boat or you're going to spend your whole life not risking anything and thereby not gaining anything yeah i i see what you're saying i just my whole thing is like i really don't want to put her in a situation financially if we don't work.

She's not asking you for that. I know she's not. You're trying to solve a, here's what I think. You're trying to solve a problem that she's not asking you to solve, but more importantly, you're trying to use her as an excuse to not hold tight to your values. Okay. And so I would hang on to my values. If you have not been dating long enough and you say, hey, I'm feeling rushed.

I want to slow down. Then you need to have the courage. just say I want to slow down. If you like me don't want to, I didn't want to, I didn't want to move in. I just want to get over with. We ended up having two places and all that. It was, it was annoying. But I know the data.

And the data says couples who playhouse end up with worse outcomes relationally. And, like, what do you mean? It looks good on paper to say, hey, we've been dating. a while we're getting kind of serious let's see what it would be like to move in together before we make this big commitment called marriage let's see what it would be like let's see if we are compatible and the outcomes on people who live together who aren't anchored into this thing this thing called marriage their relationship outcomes their financial outcomes their health outcomes are less than those who choose a good and great marriage.

That's just the research data. And if you have a faith commitment, if you have a moral conviction that says, I don't want to move in with somebody, I don't want to, like, join lives with somebody until we are fully joined, then you need to put that on the table. And if you already start compromising on that,

this early in a relationship, I'm telling you right now when you all have kids when you want to take a new job and she doesn't want to move you will start off your relationship long term knowing that I'm going to capitulate

things that are really important to me I'm just going to keep my mouth shut and that's a recipe for relational resentment and she doesn't deserve that you don't deserve that yeah no she doesn't um

I I guess, I mean, I don't, it's hard to say. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, part of it is I don't want to lose everything. I've worked so hard the last couple years to build and fix. Okay, if you're choosing to get married to somebody, you are choosing to take the puzzle that you have built and take it apart so that y'all can build it. a new puzzle, a new picture together. And if what you've quote unquote built is sacred to you,

and you're not ready to add somebody to it, she deserves to know that, but you're not there yet. Here's the problem with moving in together with someone you're just a boyfriend and girlfriend with. Yes, you can save money on rent. No question about it. And rent's insanely expensive.

And if you're with each other, five nights a week, it seems to make sense. the problem relationally is there's always an off ramp on the highway always and it's too easy to get comfortable and always be looking out your side eye at this off ramp okay when you're married you got to figure it out and those that figuring it out makes you stronger makes your relationship stronger it makes you more confident it makes y'all more confident and you have somebody that you are creating something with that is different than two people sharing bills share in rent that's what you do when you're a sophomore in college long past that right and so it seems sophisticated and dude i get it it seems on paper sophisticated and even as i'd go as far to say is wise it looks wise to practice something you test drive a car before you buy it right i get that yep but long term relationally it doesn't work like that because if you have an

off ramp you can just go sell a car if it's not the car for you or cars are designed to last x number of years and then you get a new one marriage just says like are designed for till death do us part and our culture has turned them very disposable Okay Sounds to me like you're not ready yet And let me hear me say this brother That's okay It's okay

Let's back all the way out of this conversation Let's take a new track What is something else She has asked you to do That you're not super comfortable with That you've just kind of gone along with Um Um

I don't Nothing really This is the first big thing She's asked to me Let me throw some things out there Holiday plans Has she said things like Well this is how my family does it

So this is what I want to do Has she said Ugh I don't really like that Let's do this And you're like well Okay Oh, yeah.

Okay. Like with family get-togethers and her, she has a very large extended family. Okay. So in the summertime, they do a lot of family get-together, family reunion, and stuff like that, barbecues. And I've had to essentially say no to family, say no to things I want to go to on my side because she really wants to introduce me to her extended family and so on.

Those, A, that's normal. B, that's not inherently a bad thing. But C, underneath all of that, I want you to be honest about, do you also have an equal voice at the table? And if you don't, I want y'all to address that conversation. okay is that fair yes that's more than fair

am i talking crazy are you feeling empowered are you like tell me what you're feeling i'm honestly i'm feeling scared that i tell her this that she's going to want to like be done okay i need you to hear me say if there is something that is big something that is that you have a deep value about and you are scared that by being honest about who you are and what you value and putting it on the table if the other person's going to leave then i'm telling you you're dodging a bullet like the matrix my wife and i disagree on a ton of stuff some stuff makes me sad and

our marriage the thing we have built together and we are continuing to take apart and build and sometimes it falls over and we have to rebuild it that thing is more important over time but when I have a big value thing

and I need to put on the table after being together so long my wife can hold it and vice versa. I can hold it. And the threat that one of us is going to bail is not on the table. We don't have any off-raimps anymore. And so it's not that you're going to put something on the table that she doesn't like

that she feels that conflicts with her values. That's just relationships. All relationships are that way. Friendships, work relationships, romantic relationships. but in your case you're afraid if you say something important she's going to run she's out and that will happen for the rest of your time together if you don't confront it now you have an established relational safety is the nerd word to say it way to say it you are anxiously attached to this person

Okay. Does that ring true? Yeah. Yeah, it does. What I'm looking for in a relationship, especially two people who are thinking about getting very serious, by getting engaged, by getting married, or plan house,

like, let's move in together. Can we, before we make any huge decisions like this, can we say things that are important to us can we talk about past experiences we've had can we talk about heavy things like trauma and talk about great things like i got a promotion even though you didn't can we say big heavy things and put them on the table and can the person that we are practicing safety with this person that we are committing ourselves to can they hold that with us and be disappointed about their situation and also honor a big value for you for us. And if your fear is, if I put this on the table, whatever it is, she's going to bail.

Let me put it this way. I want to be with my family every other Christmas. Maybe that's one of your things. And she says, no, every Christmas, my family, my huge family gets together. That's what we're going to do. And so you have to ask yourself, am I going to just cash out on my family for the next 25 Christmases? Or can we have this hard conversation up front? And if she won't be reasonable about that and say, you know what, I want to honor him and his family too, that means I'm going to have to give some and he's going to have to give some because we're creating a new thing together. Awesome. And if she won't, she says, this is what we're going to do. And you go, okay, okay.

I'm telling you now, that's a recipe for resentment. Because anytime you speak up, you're going to feel guilty and you're going to be clinched that she might leave you. And if she won't leave you, she might punish you with silence or with withholding or whatever man so here's here's tactically what that looks like you saying hey i have a i've been thinking i've been doing some journaling i've been writing this stuff down i have a couple of big value conversations i want to put on the table and i'm being honest with you i'm afraid you're going to hear these values of mine i'm gonna you're going to hear these feelings of mine and you're going to leave Can we create a space where I can be honest and you'll commit to stay?

And hopefully she says yes. And at that point, when we say, hey, here's a couple of things I've seen over the last year, the last two years we've been together that I'm worried about. Because I get an equal voice at this table too. And I don't know that I'm ready to move in yet because I'm not ready to, for both of us to go all in. I am, we're not married, so I for sure don't want to share. expenses, pay off each other's debts, start both co-signing on a marriage, I mean, on a mortgage, because if we're just dating, it's a tangled, crazy town mess, untangling that if we do

break up. At least if you're married and you get divorced, there's a, there's a business transaction. There's legal precedent for how we will unwind all this. When we're just dating and I'll cover this and you pay for that and can you grab the car payment and I'll get the, all fix the air conditioner we're just splitting bills man it is a nightmare to unwind all that in my guts it sounds like you're not ready but more importantly

sounds like you don't have permission or space to put that on the table without fear of her taking off that's where you got to start my brother thank you for the call man we come back a man asks why he's never content in his jobs oh man

this one sounds too close to home we'll be right back We talk a lot on this show about boundaries, things like emotional boundaries, relational boundaries, financial boundaries, but there's one boundary that nobody talks about, and I should talk about it more, and I don't, so I'm doing it right now. Boundaries around your digital life. Right now, your personal information, things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school is sitting on countless websites that you've never heard of. You didn't give them permission to have this information, they took it and it's out there. Let's be honest, this is not just an annoyance. It's a violation. It creates this constant hum of anxiety in the background of

our lives, knowing that every decision we make is being tracked by somebody that we don't even know about. That's why I use Delete Me. Delete Me goes after the data brokers and the people finder sites that collect and resell your information without your permission. Delete Me tracks down your information and they remove it and every few months they send you a report showing you exactly what they've done. Taking control of your digital life is about boundaries and boundaries are about peace. So go to join delete me.com slash deloney and use code deloney to get 20% off. That's join, j-o-in, join delete me.com slash deloney to save 20% off. All right, let's go out to Georgia to Savannah and talk to Dylan.

What's up, Dylan? How you doing? I'm doing great. You have a sultry voice, Dylan. How's it going? What's up, man? You know, first off, I appreciate you taking my call. You got it, dude.

When people say they're nervous, I'm like, why would they be nervous? And now I totally get it. Ah, you're good, man. You're good. You're good. You know, my question just basically is, Why am I never content where I'm at career-wise? And why do I always find myself looking for, like, the next big thing?

Dude. Well, pull up a seat, pot. I'm kettle. Let's talk. Let's talk. How old are you, man? I am 22 years old. 22.

Tell me about your career journey. Why are you already worried about this? Yeah, so I'm actually a football coach. Okay. I coached at a D1 college for a couple years, and then I moved to another state to coach in a much larger role at a high school, a historical, really, really good high school. Okay.

I left that job a couple months ago to where I'm at. And my current role, I'm in a pretty similar role at a different high school and a different state. And, you know, we're just a couple weeks into the season, and I find myself, like, looking at other programs, like looking at other coaches, just kind of scouting out like potential opportunities for the end of this year and I want to be able to set roots somewhere like soon

and, you know, quit moving around here, there, and everywhere. Why have you left? Why did you leave the university? I felt that I was at a really, like, successful big-time place, but I felt like the role I was in, I was maximizing my abilities. Like I was in a pretty small role at a big place, instead of a bigger role with a small place, which was the second job. Okay.

Why did you leave the first high school? I, we were very successful. We lost in the state championship, but I felt like me and the head coach kind of didn't have the same alignment views-wise. What does that mean? He was very, I left,

and another reason, I left college was I wanted a work-life balance and he was, you know, we were a high school and he was wanting us to work, you know, 10, 12, 14 hours a day, you know, for high school football. And that just, where I was in my life and relationships and stuff like that, that just wasn't working for me.

Okay. Two big flags are flying here. Can I call them both out? Is that cool? Yeah. All right. Number one, you have a major problem with authority. Where does that come from?

That's a great, you know, that's a great, I don't, I don't know where it comes from. I'm just being, you have a good relationship with your old man? He passed a few years ago, but we had a great relationship when he was, when he was a lot. What about your mom? Amazing relationship. She's one of my best friends. Okay. But you don't like being told what to do, huh? I don't either, by the way.

It drives me crazy. It makes me, like, it sets. off something inside of me that is irrational. Yeah, absolutely. I relate at a high level. So I guess the first thing out of the gate is, can I tell you something that happened last night? Like just last night.

Yesterday, I was in Indianapolis speaking for a couple of hours to a group of police chiefs and fire chiefs. about mental health stuff, okay? I got on a plane, caught a flight out, flew home just in time to drive over to the local comedy club here in Nashville. And I did 10 minutes on one stage on one side of the club and eight minutes

on the other side of the club. At the 10 minute mark, a really famous comedian was in there watching my set and the crowd was really rough. The room was half-filled. It was like a showcase night, so they weren't coming to see any one person. The room was half full, and it was a grind. And a really famous comedian was sitting in there watching me.

He didn't crack a smile once. I then got off the stage, and him and I walked around, because we were both on the other stage, and I blew my clock by two and a half minutes, which is a big no-no in that world. And I walked back to the green room, and he said, hey, how much time did you have? He called me out, and we had a pretty direct conversation about it.

And here's the thing. I have a very successful day job. And I'm pretty good at public speaking. Somebody just paid me a whole bunch of money to fly to Indianapolis to do that. And then I walked into a room where I'm trained to learn a new craft, and I have to submit myself to masters in order to get good at it. You see what I'm saying? And I think I'm good on stage.

I'm pretty good at it. I make a good living doing it. And I'm trying to learn a whole new thing. So I have to take it and I have to say I was wrong. I got to listen to those who are ahead of me, who are wiser, who are more experienced than me. And I have to submit myself to that. Or I got to quit and quit walking in the door.

Yeah. And it's a spiritual exercise for me as much as it is a, I want to get good at stand-up comedy, right? And so I tell you that to tell you, I'm in my late 40s. You are at the very beginning of your career. If you see yourself being a great football coach one day, a great coach, a great mentor, a great anything,

you have to be willing to say these words inside your chest. I don't know everything, and there's a lot I've got to learn. And you have to be willing to submit, to this is the way I do it this is my program yes sir or yes ma'am this is my school this is my jobs unless you want to go out on your own and then you're going to have to deal with the government says this is the rules for this job and this is the like this just the nature of our world it's reality right and I will tell you I struggle with it which is why I intentionally put myself in positions where I have to exhale through it because

last night I was wrong. My first set wasn't great. My second set, I blew the clock. I actually had a great one and I messed up mechanically and I got called out on it and he was right and I'm grateful for the feedback and the coaching, right? So I guess challenge number one is you're always going to have, you're going to be job hopping everywhere, always looking for the next thing unless you exhale and make peace for. I'm on somebody else's train and I'm here to learn

that as much as I can and plug in as much as I can. For me and my life, I'm going to tell you, I had to make rules for myself. I will not look at another job application for one calendar year, period. Because like you, I would take a job and within four or five months

I was already scanning the ads for something else. And like you, my wife said, I can't keep doing this. got to have some roots somewhere, right? And that's fair. Here's the second thing. And I'm going to get some pushback for this. I don't really care.

Your 20s, brother, is not the time for balance. And if you'd rather hang out with your buddies, if you'd rather go do some cool things, coaching is not the job for you. It's just not. It's a 24-7, 316. job, especially during season. Oh, yeah.

It's a busy life. And so you need to ask yourself, have I been prepping for a thing, and now I'm 22, I've got a few years' experience doing it. I don't want to do this thing. Then you have to deal with the identity shift and all that.

That's all good. I did it for two years. I was a high school coach at a Super 5A high school in Texas. And after two years, I thought, this is awesome and I love the job, but it's not for me.

And then I didn't know who I was. so let me ask you is this job not for you no i it's ever since ever since i've been you know six seven years old it's what i wanted and okay but you got it you got it and your six year old isn't driving anymore six year olds are not allowed to buy beer because they're six right correct you're 22 you got four years experience now you should be watching tape right now instead of being on this call you're in the middle

season right correct yeah correct so do you want this to be your life um and yeah i mean i do um it will cost you your 20s yeah that's the expense yeah it just will and at the high school level you got to coach two sports and so it's going to cost you all of your 20s right right and there's something about making peace with that saying okay I'm investing right now

I'm putting a ton of money in the account for 35 and 45 year old me right does that make sense yeah no doubt and I guess

you know when I say like work life balance I've accepted that I think the the one thing is trying to juggle you know a new marriage and be present

when I am home as opposed to like I've never won I don't care about going out my friends I don't care about you know this that or the other but like I want to be a good husband a new husband while being a successful and all-end coach and I think that's where I'm really really struggling that's amazing how long you've been married man 22 you're young good for you how old are you I mean how long you've been married uh we just passed a month so about a month and a half okay one month in okay so y'all got married right before

season? Yeah, we had me. We knew it was the summer or bust, so. Okay. Just with all due respect, you're way too soon into this thing to be worried about existential stuff, okay? Yeah. Y'all got married right before the middle of a season.

That's a, hopefully you'll have that conversation. She may be experiencing it differently now that it's reality. You may be experiencing it differently than reality. but this is just the most chaotic time of the year, right, for both of them. And so the question you'll have to ask yourselves is in those pockets when we do have time together, which for people who are listening, a high school football coach is there at 6 a.m., they are home. The practice ends at 5 or 6, and then they are either on the road scouting other teams or they're watching film. they're all i mean this is six a m to to midnight five or six days a week right correct absolutely

yeah not to mention your students have challenges you probably have to teach too what's your classroom assignments so i'm i'm actually the i s s proctor oh god almighty dude so you're dealing with students who are struggling and who don't want to be there behavioral challenges all kind of mess right oh yeah oh yeah so you can do a couple of things you can walk into is pissed off that you're there or you can begin to think of it this way i had some buddies that were actors they're trying to get auditions they're trying to get auditions they're trying to get auditions and they realized when they were waiting tables they could play a role for every different table and they turn their six hour shift into six hours of acting class

you can walk into iS and decide i am going to learn how to connect with every one of these young people I'm not going to be successful, but I'm going to try. I'm going to try to have a human connection with every one of these kids. And after this year, you'll be a thousand times better coach, a thousand times better dad, and a thousand times better human. You could choose to look at it like that. It's not going to make the day in and day out any easier. But there's these moments where you can practice. Or you can do what Mike Leach did and just make notes all the time when he sees a sol all the time.

when he sees all play and be like, I would have called this play. I'm just going to keep a log. And he changed the game of football. You can, when your head coach says, this is what we're going to run, you can say, man,

I would have called another play. And you can begin to practice what I would I do as a head coach one day. Or you can just sit there pissed off like, I wouldn't have done that. It's bull crap. You get what I'm saying?

It's all about attitude. But the hours you're going to have to work are the hours you're going to have to work. And the assignments you're going to have or the assignments you're going to have, you get to choose whether this is making me stronger and better for the thing I want to be or I'm going to fight this, fight this, fight this,

I'm going to move, I'm going to move, I'm going to move. And you know as well as I do, there are a journeyman coach that move every year and they get a reputation and they don't care about the kids, they care about the scoreboard, and more importantly, they care about their reputation and they hop and they hop and here's the thing.

Some of them are successful, but they live and die by a scoreboard. and then there's those coaches that their players would run through a brick wall for that their communities love and they have good lives and really really busy football seasons and this is every job this is sales jobs this is plumbing jobs this is electricity jobs this is all jobs have these seasons and you get to decide what attitude I'm going to bring to it

but man you are one month into a brand new marriage or 22 years old you're on your fourth job already or a third job already i think you're due for a big exhale you're putting a ton of pressure on yourself and when you put that pressure on yourself you blame the the leaders in your life for the pressure you know what i'm saying no doubt absolutely are you a good coach like to think so forget the scoreboard are you good at connecting with young people yeah i am do you see value and helping young people see purpose and value in their lives that they can't they can't yet see absolutely do you find purpose and value and and seeing potential in a kid and

walking alongside him and pushing him until he can or she can reach potential they never knew possible a hundred percent that's awesome in the same way let head coaches and principles and other leaders and even young people do the same for you thanks for the call my brother i'm proud of you have a good season man double down on influencing young people in the right way and really find pockets of connection with your wife that might mean put the phones down that might means like we're getting up at 5 a.m. for date breakfast or whatever we got to do during this season. That might mean I'm going to not work out as much so that I have some time for dinner or for

whatever. She may have to make dinner and come up to the office and you all eat it outside. You're going to find creative ways to stay connected during the next two or three or four months. And we're going to exhale. We're going to have the holidays together. And we're going to already be planning for what is it going to look like on the other side of this season for us to really deepen our connection together. And this is the fun stuff that makes up marriages, challenging, but the good stuff too.

Appreciate the call, brother. We'll be right back. It's the fall, which means I get to wear my poncho shirts even more than I got to in the summer. The mornings are getting cooler, and I get to pull out my favorite poncho shirts, the comfortable performance denims, and the amazingly soft flannels. Poncho's performance denim has that soft, broken, and feel like you've, worn it a thousand times, but it still looks awesome. I wear them to dress up events, and I wear them on stages all across the country. These shirts have a touch of stretch, and they move with you and not against you. And the poncho flannels, I'm wearing one right now. You can get them in

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All right, Kelly just fixed her makeup, and we have a cool crap that happened. What's up? You look beautiful, too. Refresh the lipstick. You look beautiful. All right, so this one's a little bit different. So this was from Claire.

We read, and am I the problem from her just a couple months ago. She was the one whose 19-year-old daughter was drinking at her friend's house, and she was wondering, should we tell the parents? should we tell the other parents that the other kids that are there kind of how to handle it. And what did I tell her? Well, we talked about, yes,

you do need to tell the parents because there's a liability issue if something happens and that kind of thing. So she said, I just heard Kelly read my question and I about choked on my own saliva. Gross.

Claire. Claire, gross. Quit dipping. Oh, geez. All right. She says, we've had many more conversations since I originally wrote in

and it turns out the parents did know about the underage drinking, which blew my mind. They are of the quote, better in our house than anywhere else mentality, but never cared to ask our position on the matter. This is my daughter's very best friend. They are joined at the hip.

My daughter never made threats about leaving the house or telling anyone else, but she is concerned about the repercussions with the other's families if I bring it up. So they have not yet told the other families or anything like that. I can't protect her forever. I was once 19 too.

We agreed to keep the conversation open and she knows at least that she can come to me. So thank you for your advice. Claire, you didn't follow my advice. But it comes out that they already knew. Oh, the parents? Yeah, because that was our advice which, yes, you have to tell the other parents

because it's happening at their house. They already know. Yeah. And they're letting it happen. So now it's a whole different discussion. It is. And does the daughter live at home? She lives at home, but that was their fear.

And the other is if they start telling, you know, because she's 19, but if you, would she move out, would she leave? Would she not want to talk to him again? And they don't want to ruin her friendship with this girl that she's been best friends with for years, especially now that they would literally be calling out her parents. So it got, to me, it's stickier now that's here. See, I don't think it's sticky at all. I do.

I think it's stickier. Well, what should she, what should she do is probably. not sticky, but there's a lot more, I mean... The 19-year-old is 19, but as a parent, when you start capitulating on your values to preserve, like, well, I want them to still like me. A parent's job is not to be liked. The parent's job is to keep your kids safe. 100%.

I have a teenager at home that probably doesn't like me most of the time. Of course, mine too. And if a 19-year-old chooses to live at mommy and daddy's house, then they live by mommy and daddy's rules. And I also get, being 19, that's why I didn't live at home, because I learned to make my own stupid decisions that, whatever. So, yeah. I still think there needs to be a conversation with the other parents.

Yeah. Just, if nothing else, it'll give them, I'd say the word ammunition, but that's not it. But, like, hey, you know, why didn't y'all ask us about this? and what makes you think this is a good idea? Just having dealt with the other side of this, that whole argument of better my house than anyone else's house, I'm telling you that is a recipe for disaster. Well, it is because you're liable when something happens

because it probably will and, you know, kids get drunk at your house. Everything's recorded now. All the photos at your house. You can't even say I didn't know. And you're the one going to jail when it happens. Everything is recorded. Your house, your living room, your refrigerators, your alcohol, you smile, like, it's just nonsense.

It's just crazy. And you're setting yourself up. The only thing that, the only thing dumber than a 19-year-old is a 19-year-old's been drinking. Just, it is. And you can have all of the, like, well, we got their keys. We got, 19-year-olds are also geniuses at skirting the rules. That's why they changed the planet. Heck, yeah.

Been there, done that. Correct. we all have and so there's something about saying when you're 21 knock I'll buy your first round awesome I can't be a part of it it's against the law dude

I think that law is stupid cool it still is it just is and it's wise and when you start saying but I want my 18 year old to like me versus I want to respect my 18 year old and I want my 18 year old to respect me because we're developing a new

relationship now that's just a slippery slope, man. It's a slippery slope. But Claire, thanks for preserving your relationship with your kid. I think now it's time to say if you're going to live here, here's our values and our rules.

And you have to be willing to sacrifice your kid not liking you for a season so that they can, A, still be alive and B, respect you in the long term. Bye. Thank you.