The Dr. John Delony Show - My Boyfriend Hides Me From His Kids

Episode Date: March 4, 2026

🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage. Download the Together app.   On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman whose boyfriend hides her from his kids A husband struggling with his wife��s relationship with their pastor A follow-up call from a woman who gave up social media   Next Steps: ❤️ Getaway with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy, and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Head to Shady Ray’s and use code: Delony for 40% OFF 2 or more polarized sunglasses. Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My boyfriend, whom I have been dating for almost two years, I have yet to meet his kids. I've had to hide in his bedroom if they've stopped by, even though they know he has a girlfriend because he said it's therapist told him to date in secret. What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on? This is John, the Dr. John Deloney Show. As of this recording, I think I'm on day five. with no power here in Nashville, the winter storm is still right on top of us. And I've been out of the state. I got back a couple days ago, and it's just been chaos.

And being out of state, I was in the wilderness with my son and some friends on a trip. And I didn't have any access to any sort of signal. And I got back and see all this insanity going on in the country, not to mention in my house right now. And I don't have anything profound to say. It's just a mess. and I'm going to keep doing what I've always done, which is when things get messy, when things get wild,

I'm going to stay anchored in so that other people can anchor into me. I'm going to pull up a seat and try to figure out what's the next right move for my house, for my home, for my neighbors, and then on from there. And if you're feeling like everything spun out, I get it,

I get it, I get it. Just know that it's spun out for me. It's spun up for everybody I know, and I'm going to keep plowing forward. Let's stay right here in the Frozen Nashville, Tennessee and talk to Katie. Hey, Katie, what's up? Hey, thank you for speaking with me today. You got it. What's going on? Okay, so my boyfriend, whom I have been dating for almost two years, I have yet to meet his kids who, one is 15 and one is 19. We don't live in the same area,

so I drive two hours and 45 minutes on a good day whenever I go there. and I might have to sit in my car for hours until they finally go to their mom's house. I've had to hide in his bedroom if they've stopped by to grab something, even though they know he has a girlfriend because he said his therapist told him to date in secret. What? Yes, yes, and she did. I mean, like, I know that he's not lying about that. And so their mom is with her last affair partner, and they're fine with him.

But it's more of he had introduced somebody he was dating before me to them, and they didn't like that he was spending time with her kids or spending money on her. And so he doesn't want to upset his girls. So he's going to lie to his daughters? I mean, they know that he's dating somebody. Like, I've given and left Christmas presents, graduation present. Yeah, but you don't know if they got him. But I believe him.

I do believe him. Why? He lies to his family. Of course he's lying to you. You think? Yes. That one hurts right there. I know.

But you know that's true, Katie. I mean, I would hope to not think that one. You don't think he said they were from me? He's lying to his 19... These aren't like four and six-year-olds. Right. Well, and here's another thing just to throw into it. So he's never once been to my house.

Because he says it's a really far drive. Okay, so you've heard me say this. Have you listened to my show before? Absolutely. Okay, so you've heard me say this. Yeah. And I'll ask you. If behavior is a language, what has he told you?

I know. I know that. I know. And everybody has said that, and I know it. You're being used six ways to Sunday, hon. I know, but Dr. John, I'm a fixer. I know. And I just think, I know he is broken from being cheated on so many times with his ex.

How long ago do they break up? They have, so, they've been a point. heart four years and the divorce was final two years. Okay. No, I'm sorry, three years. The divorce has been final three years. Okay. So let me just put you at ease.

Okay. And I'm going to break your heart. Okay. You can't fix him. I don't think he's broken. I think he got hurt. And then he can be a grown man and choose to do the next right thing. And that's, hold on, listen.

It starts with. You don't fix a lack of integrity getting cheated on a bunch by lying to your adult daughter. I mean, you're right. You don't fix being cheated on by looking at a woman that you've been with for two years and say, I will never come to you. You're too far away. You come to me. That's not a relationship. You're home health.

You're a hospice nurse. Going to him. Sitting in the car for hours. That is not the way you treat anyone with... I wouldn't treat... Like, if, I mean, I wouldn't do that to anybody. I couldn't stand. I wouldn't make him sit in a car for two hours.

Oh, no. I know. Here's what this rings... There's one or two things happening. Either this guy is, like, the most generous interpretation I could give you is that this guy is super... super, super, super misguided

trying to do the best he can. Or, in a way more plausibly, he has one, if not more, other girlfriends in that community and he doesn't want, like Ghostbusters, doesn't want to cross the streams. Okay, but see, that's where I think it's the misguided,

and I'm going to tell you why. Okay, because I have met every one of his friends, like his mom and dad, love me. So I've met all of his family except his daughter, which they supposedly, and I'm sure the ex-wife had told them, no, I exist. And I will tell you, his therapist is not great because she even told him that her husband

always tells people that they should get married only once they're ready to stop being happy. So he likes to tell that to me because she told him that. I don't know what kind of therapist would say that to somebody who. Unethical, unprofessional one. Right. Okay. But so I do think he's getting misguided. I know, I know, but listen, but listen, listen, listen to what I'm trying to say, though.

Okay. I get bad advice from people all over the world every day of my life. Sure. I get to decide what I do next. Sure. and I don't care what his, he is hiding behind, well, I'd marry you, but my therapist said I should not, that's cowardice. Right. It's a lack of integrity.

So what he, the fact that he keeps getting bad wisdom and keeps going back and paying this person. Yeah. Right? Yeah. I mean, it's never a counseling session. He even says she just laughed the whole time and they gossip about stuff. So, Dr. John, what should I do, though? like you have to look in the mirror and ask yourself what am I worth and if the life you want to live

you're a grown up in my neighborhood if you want to continue to date somebody three hours away from you who refuses to come visit you refuses to be honest about you right then you are you are within your right to do that if you are a close friend of mine if you were my sister I would say just you're worth so much more than this. You're worth somebody who will drive. Can I say something's going to make me sound like I'm trying to brag and I'm not? Is that cool?

Yes, please. I left a trip that my son and I've been planning for a year. I left it early to get home so that I could be with my wife in the middle of this crazy storm. I could not get home fast enough. I moved flights. I drove. in crazy conditions, like whatever it takes to get home to my wife and my daughter.

You deserve that. You think maybe he's just like where I'm so always there and stable, maybe he just is taking me for granted, or am I being stupid and making excuses? I don't think those are two mutually exclusive things. I think his life is about as perfect as it can be. He has a girlfriend who just comes up. his beck and call requires nothing of him. Right.

Feels so little about herself that she'll sit in a car for hours so that he can play patty cake pretend with his adult kid. Like he deserves a woman in his life who will stand up and say, no, I refuse to be hidden. Yes, if this was week two, week three, I get him saying, I'm not ready for you to meet the kids. Great. Month six.

Great. I could be out to lunch. Super wrong. I'd be willing to put money on the table. right now that those kids never even got those presents. I could be wrong. I'd lose that 50 bucks. That's fine. I mean, I just want to believe him. I know you do. I know you do. I know you want so badly to believe him. And my guess is he's got some pretty amazing qualities about him too, right? He's

probably funny, probably charming. He probably tells you that you're beautiful, all this stuff, right? No, that's just it. And that's where I know that I'm stupid. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to let you talk about it about yourself on the show. Well, Dr. John, I can tell you that in two years, he has only given me two compliments, and he says he's not going to do that again. Why? Because he was hurt, and I guess it backfired on him. So, no, he's not. He doesn't, you know, just compliment any or any of that stuff, no.

So why do you keep sticking your hand back in the bag hoping to not get bit by the rattlesnake? This has nothing to do with him or his daughters or his family. You're right. I guess I was just thinking that he might be like my worst. Yeah. And I get it, what you're saying. What's your relationship like with your dad? He's deceased.

Okay. What was it like? I mean, he wasn't great. I know what you're saying. What about your mom? It's, you know, she... Nope, tell me the truth. I'm talking about nine-year-old Katie.

Yeah, no, not great just because of the relationship her and my father had. I mean, they were married, you know, until he passed away, but it was not a good marriage. My guess is you've spent your whole life wondering what was so wrong with you, and you'll show them. And fixing things that weren't mine to fix, yeah. That's so exhausting. You have no idea. Can I tell you you're worth so, so much more? so much more.

That way. I know. And let me tell you, the feeling that you have is powerful and it's wrong. And I know that's disorienting. I have them all the time. Feelings. I feel this thing and it's inaccurate. Right.

And so an important part of growth is challenging those feelings and asking the question, is this true? Right. And so when you feel like, I don't feel like I can find somebody in my local community who will just cherish the crap out of me, you can exhale and say, is that true? The answer is no. Right. Because can I be honest with you?

This is also a safe relationship for you. You're right. Because you don't have to deal with the sunlight of somebody seeing you and knowing you and celebrating you. And if you've never been truly seen and known and celebrated, that light when somebody shines it on you is a lot. You feel exposed, you feel vulnerable, you feel naked on a street corner, right? You're right. And so it's easier to stay in the dark with your head down,

giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving. Until you find yourself with a guy three hours away who tells you to your face, I will never compliment you again because I did that once and I got hurt. Right. God Almighty. It's embarrassing on behalf of all of men. Right. No, I know.

any man who asks his girlfriend or partner or wife to sit in the car to hide you any man who lies to his daughters i mean i just don't i just i that's that's the epitome of low respect i see so i can't tell you what to do next you've got to own that decision i know i know thank you but hear me say you're not crazy and you don't think he will change 100% zero or he might but it won't be because you kept hiding in this closet And by the way, I don't want anyone I know, anyone I speak to you to be with somebody who doesn't look for every opportunity to celebrate their romantic partner with all the time. I wish I knew how that felt.

I know. Okay. But you're worth seeking that out. And when you finally meet somebody who will tell you that you're beautiful, tell you that these cookies you made are amazing, tell you that they're so grateful that you drove to come see them, someone who will, who will drive through ice storms and from three states, four, five states over to get to see you and make sure you're okay so that you can roll your eyes and be like, I'm fine. I didn't need you to come home. Right. Right? Yeah. When you find that person, that's going to feel like too much, like scary.

Right. And then you're going to have to challenge that feeling and say, is this person scary, or is this person finally celebrating me? Right. And you're worth that. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this for you. I'm so sorry. Everybody's worth being seen.

Everybody's worth being known and everybody's worth being celebrated and challenged. And listen, if you weren't seen and you weren't known and you weren't celebrated as a kid and you were just challenged, challenge, challenge, challenge, criticized. It's hard.

It is hard to accept that in adult relationships from friends, from coworkers, from romantic partners. It's hard. And that is worth fighting. for to be truly seen, truly known, truly celebrated. And those three things buy you permission to challenge and call people out. That's the essence of a good relationship.

You're worth more than this, Katie. It's an honor to get to talk to you. Whatever decision you make next, we'll be with you. We'll be right back. I'm excited to tell you about a new sponsor for the Dr. John Deloney's show, Shady Ray's. We've all had that moment when you realize you left your favorite sunglasses on the roof of your car or in a deer stand in the mountains or at a gas station 700 miles back. I have lost so many pairs of sunglasses and here's why. I didn't care about them.

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love. Right now, Beam is giving my listeners an amazing deal. Go to shopbeam.com slash Deloni and use code Deloni and get 20 bucks off all beam products. That's shop, S-H-O-P, shopbeam.com slash deloni and use code Deloni to get $20 off all beam products. Let's go out to St. Louis, Missouri and take a call from John. Hey, John. What's up, dude? Hey, John. How are you doing, brother? I'm good, man. How about you? Sure you hear this a lot, but a huge fan, been listening for a long time. And just recently getting through a hard time in my marriage with my wife. And it was not as bad as we recently left our church many years, but we were serving as leaders.

And there was basically a co-pastor. very charismatic and definitely liked hugging people. And long story short, the friendship grew and the main problem is my wife, what she claims, and through my eyes, we're having innocent conversations through text messages, but a little too, you know, just too close. And so we set some boundaries and... Hold on, hold on.

Let me make sure I'm following you, okay? You and your wife went to this local church for a while. There was a real charismatic co-pastor who was a little too handsy, a little too touchy-feely, and also ended up texting your wife a lot. And she texted him back. And did you see those texts? Were they make you uncomfortable? Yeah.

So we were leaders. So rightfully so, we were communicating through texts a lot about church business, just to keep it simple. And yeah, the first time it made me uncomfortable and we set boundaries. Like, hey, this got to stop.

Even though nothing looks bad on the surface, I would still like you to stop. So, you know, like, let's make a group text. No one-on-one messages. But as time going on, went on, you know, like little stuff here and there kind of just somehow they ended up texting again. Hold on, hold on. Let's back up. Okay.

Part of this, part of what I do here is I just want to like peel away. any of our defense mechanisms just so we can see reality clearly, okay? Mm-hmm. So reality is, she was texting this guy back and forth, some work stuff, some personal stuff. My guess is you're trying to be a man of integrity right now,

not talk about your wife, which I applaud. Mm-hmm. But there was some stuff that you saw in that exchange. Maybe it was the volume of text, maybe it was the personal information shared, that you were like, whoa, too much. I don't like this. Yeah.

I see this guy and my wife has done this. I've got a terrible radar when I'm talking to people out. My wife will say like, hey, watch out for her. And I'm like, why, why? She just like, I know. And she has never been wrong. Never. And so you had that same radar go off with this dude.

You see all these texts with him and your wife. You tell your wife, uh-uh. Like, this is too far for me. This is like we're going to create a boundary. And she said, cool, I'm in. And then she violated that and started. texting this dude on this. It didn't just happen. She started communicating with him behind your back again, right? Yeah. Okay. So let me say this. I don't care what the messages were. I don't

care how innocuous they were. I don't care if they were only about the thermostat in the church building or whatever. You need more copier paper. What's important to me is you said, this makes me uncomfortable. She said, I agree. Here's our new boundaries. And she then violated those in secret. That's what matters. Yeah. I was more than two times. Of course it was. I know it was. I know you're trying to dance a fine line here between just dumping it all over on the table and I don't want to push you to say anything you don't want to say. I want you just to hear me say that you feeling like she's cheating on you, whether emotionally, physically, or here's the worst part, you don't know. Because she looked at you and said, okay, I'm in. I'm going to make a deal with you and she's broken that deal multiple times. And so now

you're left wondering, well, how bad is it? What else do I not know? Who else is Like all that, right? Yeah, and I mean, I can say I got her, like I will, yeah, I can, I got her watch pretty closely and. Yeah, but that's not, that's not great. You don't want to be an FBI agent for your wife. No. You know what I mean? What, what did this pastor say when you confronted him?

You're on staff. Did you sit down and say, hey, stop texting my wife? So that's the other thing that really I feel guilt is that when he did a very good job of just playing on the line. And basically she confronted him about, you know, the too long of hugs and all that. And he respected it and he went the boundaries and it made the way. And, you know, one time my wife mentioned like, hey, maybe you should say something. And I just said, well, just keep your distance. Yeah, let me ask you, man, this is a guy that you're on staff with.

Well, all I could think of is just resorting to violence. So that's why. Okay. So you didn't feel like you could talk to him without hitting him? Yes. Okay. Let me challenge you on that. The strength of masculinity is knowing I could, but I'm not going to. You know what I'm saying? That's just emotional maturity. I'm going to do the next right, hard thing and not put my family into a position where I have to go to jail, right? Yeah. And I get it being hard, but also that's part of our responsibility as grown men to lean in and have the hard conversations and not be out of control. Our whole world is full. of out of control people. And we need guys like me and you to step into those gaps and do the hard thing but also be in control.

So bring me to right now. What's your question, brother? Well, two questions. The first one is I still always have the kind of that in the back of my mind of I need to retaliate in some type of way. Absolutely not. And no shape, form or fashion.

and I just feel like if I don't, my wife is always going to be like, well, he never did anything to kind of, you know, avenge me in a way. Listen, if... That's just kind of what's in my head. Okay, but listen to me. If your wife needs vengeance from her husband based on action she took, I mean that's just madness it's madness if your wife kept not responding

if this guy kept grabbing her and hugging her and she kept trying to push away she stopped going to go into this church she never responded to these texts yes like I would I would hold you to account but your wife was cheating on you she was lying to you

It's going behind your back over and over and over and over again. Yeah. Right? Yeah. So we have left the church. Okay. And we're in a much healthier family-focused thriving church. And there's just a mess in that church in general.

Well, good. Get out. I hope that guy gets fired and I hope he loses his job and hope no one ever hires him again. But because he's charismatic, he's probably going to find a place. Yeah. That's the gross part of it. world we live in. Unfortunately.

Vengeance is cowardice, brother. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What you're really trying to avoid is how angry and heartbroken you are at your wife. Yeah, and that's the other part is I just, I definitely feel like I have to have eyes behind my back sometimes

with her. Okay, you need to get to that level then. And here's what that looks like. It's very simple, yet it's very difficult, okay? You lay down a path towards how she can reestablish trust with you. And she gets to A, choose to follow that path. However ridiculous the rest of the world thinks that path is. No cell phones.

Delete all social media. No deleted text. Whatever. She gets to follow that path or B, not follow that path. But you trying to be a drone looking over her every move is going to make you nuts and it's going to make her feel like she's drowning because she doesn't have a path forward. What it sounds like to me, though,

is you've made that path multiple times. She's agreed to walk it, and then she's not. Yeah. She's definitely taking the steps now, but we're kind of like months away from it, and when I wrote the letter to you, it was definitely fresh. Okay.

But, you know, I just, still have those feelings, you know, retaliation and then the lack of trust and just not feeling like she's my right or die. You can have that feeling and then you have to go do the next right thing. Yeah. You are not going to solve this problem, A, through vengeance, you're not going to solve this problem, B, through just sitting around thinking about it, thinking about it, thinking about it. You're just not.

It's going to make you crazy. And then you're going to end up doing something that blows your life up. The path forward is feeling like I want to go find this guy, exhaling, and then go do one chore in your house that isn't normally yours. Go find one person in your community to serve. Go do a thing. Go work out. Go for a run. But your constant rumination on this is going to push you further and further and further.

Don't get online. Don't watch old church clips. Don't sit there and look at this dude and look him up, which I know you're doing. Don't follow them on social media, all that stuff. And if you find that I'm stuck and I can't, then you've got to go see a professional ASAP and say, I've got to work. I would tell you you need to go through a journaling protocol,

write this stuff out, write them a letter that you'll never, ever send. But you have to decide now, I'm not going to do something that's going to jeopardize me and my family. Do you get what I'm saying? No, I definitely understand and agree. Okay, do I have your commitment?

you're not going to go do something stupid? Yes, sir. Okay. All right. So you've made that line. You've drawn that boundary for yourself. Now you can choose to be miserable inside the boundary you've drawn, or you can choose to say, I'm going to put all my energy into loving well, into serving

here, and to giving my wife a path back to trust. And I'm going to have these feelings. We all have feelings. That's good data. And then we're responsible for what we do next, for our emotional response, for our actions, after that. And that's hard. It's hard, hard, hard, hard, hard, hard. And if some of this is your guilt that when you saw all these texts, you didn't set up a meeting with this guy and say, hey, stop texting my wife. I know she's participating. We're having that conversation at home.

Stop, stop. Then let yourself, let that be a moment in your life where you say, I'm never going to not have the next right, hard conversation. But I just don't buy like, I can't have the hard conversation, I'm just going to resort to violence. That's a choice. That's a choice. That's a choice. It's a choice. And so if you need to write yourself a letter that says, hey, I should have spoke up and I didn't this time. I just kept brushing it aside, brushing it aside. I've seen him hugging other people and makes me uncomfortable and I just didn't say anything. Okay, from this point forward, I will never not say something again. And by the way, I've had those moments too, brother. When I stayed quiet, when I stayed silent, and I should have spoken up. And so I make mental notes of those things. I write them down.

as of now from this point forward, I've learned I'm going to speak up. But I'm always going to stay in control because being out of control is the ultimate sign of immaturity. And my wife deserves more, my family deserves more, my community deserves more. We need a whole crew of anchored men who can deal with hard things in front of them without resorting to either shoving everything off on everybody else or I just can't control. myself, we can, we can, we can. But give your wife a path and then you have to make the decision. If she's following the path, I'm going to stop trying to FBI here. I'm going to stop trying to be an overwatch.

And I have to practice trust. And if she violates the trust again, then you have to have a decision to, you'll have a decision to make. Am I going to stay in this thing with somebody that has repeatedly violated my trust? Or am I going to, is she chosen to end the relationship? And I'll just make the next right hard move. That's the path in front of you. Your move, brother.

Thanks for the call. I'm really grateful for you. Sorry, this is a huge mess, man. We come back. A woman asks how to reintroduce social media back into her life. I just got home from a big elk hunt out with some buddies and our kids out in the woods. Everyone was using Montana Knife Company Knives. I brought Montana Knife Company knives for everyone,

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All right, we're going to go out to Nicole in Tampa, Florida. Nicole is a return follow-up caller. Nicole, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. Thanks so much for taking this follow-up call. You got it. So we talked a few months ago, maybe a year ago, about your concerns about how much you use social media. And I recommended a 30-day fast.

Tell me how it all went and tell me what life has been like since then. Yeah. It's, one, it was worth it. Like, because you told me to do a 30-day fast, but once I get towards the end of the 30 days, I chose to extend it until the end of 2025. And I just recently broke my fast at the beginning of 26. And it was, there's a lot.

The book that you asked me to read as well, dopamine nation kind of helped me feel a little less crazy. during the first initial getting off of it, kind of quitting culture. So you read Anna Lemke's, what I think is a masterpiece, dopamine nation. What'd you think of that book? It was really good.

It was good, huh? Okay, awesome. Yeah. And did you read The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Hyatt? Yeah, yeah, I read that before the other call. Okay, so you got off social media first for about a month, and then you kept going and going and going. Tell me what happened in your body and your relationship,

relationships and your sleep, all that stuff, just being off? Mm-hmm. The biggest thing was, like, at first, I mean, in some ways, it's still something I'm kind of figuring out. But at first, I didn't realize how much emotion I've just been numbing out on. So there was a lot of good, bad, you know, in some ways, I started. feel and joy again, but as the fast went on, I started finding, like, I need to get some professional help because there's, there's just a lot of, just a lot of stuff that I just haven't dealt with and been avoiding trying to deal with.

Hey, can I just, can I applaud you? Anna Lemke was one of a few people who helped me reframe addiction in a powerful way, which is addiction is not the problem, it's what works. It helps us numb out. It helps us avoid. It helps us. It's like a great crutch for a hurt foot. If we don't deal with the hurt foot, right? And so you having the courage to face some of those hard things that you were numbing out on with professional help and more. That's awesome. I applaud you, sister. It's good. So why in the world did you decide, I'm going to start using this drug again just a little bit? Part of it just like there's some like Facebook groups like local ones where I also in the fast too like I was working out at just a commercial gym by myself and I was finding that just working out by myself just wasn't it wasn't enough motivation for me to actually do something so I switched over to a different gym that's local and committed to showing up three times a week for a group class and they have a lot of announcements on their Facebook pages and just other, some of the promo, if I mean on it. There it is.

There it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm not on any Facebook groups at all. I do have a couple of people, and this has happened even with my kids at school and stuff. There's one or two people in those groups that will text me or my wife because they know we're not on them. Like, so I say that to say there is ways around those things. There's somebody in that group that you could be like, hey, I'm not on Facebook

at all. you just text me and they'd be like, yeah, of course. But there is that underlying, what else am I missing? Which is the drug calling again, right? Yeah. Yeah. Ugh. All right, so you got back on.

Great time to get back on, by the way, as the world is imploding on itself. Oh, yeah, yeah. Nice. Nice. Yeah, it's a nice thing in the bubble because it's like, I don't know what, you know, so-and-so that I've never talked to in years, you know, things about this. world event or you know different things now that I'm back down. So let me challenge you. You were not in the bubble.

You are actually out of it. You were living in reality. Right. And then you decided to go back into literally virtual reality. Right. Who said what about what? And I don't even know this person or this actress said this or this Instagram star said that. Like, and suddenly I'm mad or I'm not mad or I'm never watching their movie.

Like, so I'm just interested, like, what does that bring to you? That's a good question. In some ways, like, like as weird as it sounds like a feeling of being needed, even though I'm not even in the situation at all, but just feeling important that I know this information. So I am a part of a dad's text thread here in Nashville. All these guys live on my street or in my neighbor. And as of as of this call right now, I'm without power for five days.

We're in the middle of this crazy ice storm thing going on, right? And the number of can you believe this just happened? Oh, wait, that's not real. Oh my gosh. We're all angry, angry, angry. Wait, man. Somebody just sent something out. That's not true either.

Like, and this is just in a text threat. There's like a group of dads, a group of guys. Right? And so the feeling, the need to contribute to, quote unquote, be heard or to have a voice or whatever, especially in an online platform, I think is it's a way to avoid either A, feeling helpless. I feel helpless right now. I feel helpless. My house, my nice house here in Nashville has no power, no water. It's a big, giant fort, right? And I'm looking at, like, when I got home, I was out of state. When I got home, my wife and my daughter had,

formed a camp in our living room. And they were covered. They had like four layers of clothes on. And they were like, look how much fun we're having. And I looked at my wife and I was like, they are not having fun. And she did an amazing job like literally surviving. Like, it was wild, right?

And we found a place, we're staying at a place now. We got heat and she took her first shower yesterday like in four or five days. Put it this way. I was in an elk camp in the mountains in 10 inches of snow and I was more comfortable than she was at our house in Nashville. Okay.

So I tell you that to tell you this. I feel powerless. And there's something about feeling that and letting that truth just wash over you. And then asking yourself, what can we do next? And it could be something like my son and I, and this isn't to brag, I'm just telling you what I did in the middle of this.

My son and I went and got chainsaw and we went and cleared roads. Like we literally went and cut branch and threw them on the side so that cars could pass more easily. Because I didn't know what else to do other than I've got to go get involved somehow in some little way. And I don't know what that looks like for you in your community. But all I'd say is trying to get online and be a quote unquote a part of something that you're not a part of. It pulls you further away from reality.

But emotionally you're invested in this thing. But your body is anchored here wherever you happen to be. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. No, that makes a lot of sense. And it makes you nuts. because our bodies aren't where they are, right? Or our minds aren't where our bodies are.

So anyway, all right. So I feel like I'm talking too much. Tell me how I can help. What's your question now? Yeah. I guess a lot of the, like with the fast, like most of my question is, like how do I continue move forward now that I've introduced it back into my life? But because in some ways, like on the call, somehow I misunderstood where you said to, you know, to go out, you know, once a week and have people come over once a week. For some reason, I heard it wrong where I thought it was every day. So I was, it was kind of like a sprint where I was just, you know, I was getting with people, you know, the going first and being weird. And in some ways, now that I've broken the fast and kind of fallen, in some ways back into old pattern.

with scrolling. It hasn't been as bad as it was before, but, like, sustaining that connection. And one of the things, too, is just that has been a bit of a challenge now that I feel like I've just been way more emotional as well. Like, one of the things that I haven't ever really wanted to come to, like, accept not, like, I understand it,

like, it's not who I am, but being able just to send the fact of, you know, I got the diagnosis that I'm severely depressed and moving forward with that and also just, you know, where do I go from here to sustain? As much as I want to just be off social media forever, it's just also I haven't been perfect with the FOMO thing and all that. Sure.

So I think there's a couple of things here. one, most importantly, is taking care of your mental and emotional and physical health. For me, the only manageable way is I give myself a very strict time limit. And for me, it's a work tool and nothing more. And so for you, if it's a stay informed tool, great. But after you've seen the first global event, you've seen it, choosing to look a second time is choosing to take a second drink. And it sounds to me like that is a level of control that right now you don't have. And so abstinence is probably the next best thing.

Okay. And that means you're going to have to get news from other places. I get mine from Marginal Revolution. Alex Tabrock and Tyler Cowan. They're just data-driven dudes and they're quirky and ironic and funny and direct. And that's where I get my news from. And I get my news from people who are on scene. I call actual people if I need some information on something.

And I recognize I've got an advantage there, right? Because I've got people's cell phone numbers who are experts and stuff that other people don't have. So I get that, that I've got a privilege there. But all I have to say is, I'd rather you up your time at the gym to four days a week, then go down to two days a week and spend another full day on social media. That makes sense. I would rather you sit down with your doctor and say, okay. my body's depressing in a powerful way.

I want to head right into this with you, with your therapist, and we're going to figure this thing out. And it might be that my wife, I don't know how she can get in and out of social media. She doesn't have it on her phone, but she can get into these things and get out, and it just doesn't phase her.

It's amazing. She also can eat a whole bowl of pasta and not finish it up with two bags of Oreos. I can't do it. I've just moved on. I probably could do that, but it's not worth the fight for me. So I just have,

Right? So it's part of growing up, part of wisdom, part of maturity. And I hate to use that word, but it's just knowing here's my limits on stuff. Here's my limits. And I'm not going to push past those limits. I've pushed past them before. So it sounds to me like right now, getting back off social media is the right thing to do and then to further dig into with the right professionals. Oh, man. It's taking that one extra step at your gym and saying, hey, I'm not on Facebook. Will somebody text me? And two or three people will be like, yeah, of course, we got you. And they'll forget a couple of times. That's part of it. But they'll remind you. And then you'll be like, cool.

Let's grab coffee afterwards. Right. And yes, I would never tell somebody, you need to do something every day of the week. That's too much. That's madness. But yeah, making a regular routine where I'm going to have people in my house once a week, once every two weeks. I'm going to go to things. I'm going to go to a comedy club.

I'm going to go to a movie. I'm going to go do some stuff and get out and see real people and experience real things. And if it gets down to it, I'm going to get some hedge clippers and put on my heaviest coat and my heaviest boots. And I'm going to go cut limbs out of the neighborhood. Because literally, that's what I can do right now. And yeah, grieve it. If you can't hold on to it right now, grieve it. Because it'd be cool if you could.

But just make peace with that reality and then say, okay, here's my reality. And I got to go decide what to do next. Give it another 30 days, Nicole, give it another 30 days. And then really head towards joy and towards those emotional, those big emotions that you've been slowly starting to numb again. Thanks for call, sister. I'm proud of you. Most of us don't think about our mattresses until we're tossing and turning and waking up exhausted. But sleep is the foundation for everything, your mood, your relationships, even your mental and physical health. can't fake being well rested. This is why I sleep on a Helix mattress, and this is why my whole

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wide. Go to Helix, H-E-L-I-X, HelixSleep.com slash Deloni to get 27% off your mattress. That's helixleep.com slash Deloni, and be sure to tell them you heard about their amazing mattresses right here on the Dr. John Deloney's show. show with Helix better sleep starts right now all right we're back we got a money and marriage question these are one of the anonymous questions left at the money and marriage retreat that me and rachel cruz put on a couple times a year here's the question that was left in the box what's in the box how can my wife and i work on taking accountability in our relationship without feeling or

acting like the parent um i have Man, I need a lot more context on this, so I'm going to have to make up something, make up a situation. Parenting is about curation. It's about censoring. It's about protection. It is about my job as a parent is to make sure my child is, A, safe, and B, appropriately adding weight to the bar of life through responsibility, through constant. consequences so that they can feel the weight and get stronger over time. In a marriage, we are co-creating something. We are making decisions together on boundaries, on values, on who we are going to be. And so when it comes to, I'll give a little situation, helping with chores around the house. If it ends up, you need to do this and you never do this,

then that is a fast track towards resentment. That is a, that is criticism at the highest level. That is contempt. That is I'm up here and you're down there. I up here see that I'm doing all of this and I and I and I and I, so you, you, you need to. Right? That's more of a parenting tack.

and you'll feel like parents and then your partner will feel like they're being parented and it will drive you apart. Accountability in a marriage is we said that we were going to be like this. And as a part of we being like this, you are going to do X and I'm going to do Y.

And so when we both say that we are in this together, and one of us isn't pulling our weight. It's not a matter of being a parent when you call it out and say, hey, we agreed on this and I'm struggling with how to communicate well with you. I'm struggling with we made a commitment and I feel like I'm doing my part, but I feel like I'm doing it by myself. Notice every time I spoke, I'd never said the word to you.

And I said I. I'm taking ownership. I agreed. I mean, we agreed. I said I would do this. I feel like this, I don't know what to do next. Please help me learn how I can better communicate. Because I thought we agreed on.

And there comes a moment in any relationship when if somebody is not doing what they said they were going to do, it's not a parenting thing to call that out. That's called being in a true, that's being in a marriage, it's being in a partnership. It's being in a business arrangement, friend arrangements, all that. You said you would fill in the blank. You did not do that thing. That is accountability. And in marriages, it sounds paternal or maternal, however you want to say it, there is consequences.

We said we were not going to have a house where alcohol played a predominant role. I continue, I will not fill in the blank if you come home drunk, if you continue to drink. You are continuing to drink. So the consequences, I am going to fill in the blank. what most people do is they sit there and say you need to you didn't you didn't you didn't you didn't you didn't why not and what i want people to do is to begin to shift to here's what i'm going to do next because we made an arrangement and only one of us is upholding our into the bargain so that's the best i can tell you it's kind of mushy i don't know kelly do you have any ideas no i think he did a good job of that you hold me accountable all the time actually you're like my mom too though that's fine thanks I mean, like, you get mad at me and scold me and stuff like that. Do you remember what your mom said to me the first time I ever met her? No.

Standing out in the hallway out here, literally the first time and shook hands, nice to meet you. And she said, I am so sorry and pointed to you. And she said, I did the best I could with what I had. See, that's probably a bad example. Love you guys, bye.