The Dr. John Delony Show - My Boyfriend Is a Deadbeat Dreamer

Episode Date: February 16, 2022

In today’s show, we’re talking to a father worried about his kids’ safety now that his ex-wife is dating someone with a history of abuse, we cover why gratitude is good for your body, and we hear from a woman who feels stuck in a relationship with a “guitar-shredding Peter Pan.” Ex-wife’s boyfriend has a history of abuse and we share custody of our 2 kids The unsurprising science behind gratitude https://www.wsj.com/articles/is-the-secret-to-happiness-having-a-gratitude-practice-11642691301 “I live with a guitar-shredding peter pan” Lyrics of the Day: "Gratitude" - Beastie Boys Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Greensbury Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a father whose ex-wife is dating somebody with a history of domestic abuse, and he wants to know what to do next. We take your letters. We talk about gratitude, and some new research has come out. We talk to a woman who is dating a guitar-shredding Peter Pan. Stay tuned. Yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney

show. So glad you're with us. Bringing some positivity and joy and honesty and sadness, whatever we're bringing to the world. On the show, we talk about mental health, relationships, connection, communication, what's going on in this crazy mess, education.

Anything you want to talk about, give me a shout at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And I've got just, my desk is a wreck, man. I got shenanigans everywhere. What movie's that from?

Shenanigans. Shenanigans. Shenanigans. Oh, my gosh. Did y'all not see Super Troopers? Someone guessed Office Space. Office Space. Y'all are on friendship probation, the whole lot of you. Unbelievable.

Don't know shenanigans. All right, hey, big moment, James. After 225 episodes. So we've come to the end. It's time to retire the Walgreens headphones that we should, speaking of office space, we should go out in the parking lot and bash them with a bat or something. Oh, that'd be incredible. Yes. Actually, I'm going to hang on to these. The new ones that we bought. Excellent. You ever... I'm trying to think of a non-graphic way to explain this.

I'm not going to. My ears are one size. The headphones that I shove in the ears are a different size. All I got to say is, dang, Gino. I got some P-A-I-N Up in my head But it's cool though James is like

These are fancy It's what you've been asking for And you were right James Well done Kind of a masochistic producer But it's cool Same team Same dream

One dream Whatever Alright hey We're gonna do a couple things today We're gonna have some calls We're gonna go through some Of these awesome letters that people sent in. One person here, the Granger family from Maryland, has like a Harry Potter wax seal. It's like some sorcerers or something.

It's kind of awesome. And talk about some gratitude stuff. So let's get to the phones. Let's go to Steve in Tampa. Hey, Steve, what's up? Hey, Dr. John. How are you, brother? Thanks for having me. Oh, man, thanks for calling in. What's up, dude? Well, so the issue is my ex-wife and I, we have two kids, 50-50.

Okay. And she's dating a man with a long and recent criminal history of domestic violence with multiple women, not to mention robbery. So the question is, how do I handle this? Oh, my gosh, man. What have you tried? I've tried everything. I've tried her family. I've tried lawyers.

I've talked to my therapist about it I mean I even I even offered to set her up with an online dating profile just to show her that she can do so much better yeah but nothing how old are your kids? six and nine

jeez Louise man is she at a place where she's bringing this, this, um, idiot around them? Oh yeah. I mean, they're,

they're on the verge. They're probably going to get married soon. Okay. What was your, give me a couple of the, some of the advice you received. What'd your counselor say? Uh,

she had a good suggestion to create, um, like a safe, like a password for the kids, like an emergency. I think it's like a safe word. If they ever just need me to come pick them up, no questions asked. That is 100%. That'd be my number one thing. That's excellent. Or that'd be my number two thing. What else did she recommend? I think that was the big one. Um, I mean, there's,

you know, at this point, there's nothing that Hermione's not going to get changed. And that's not, that's not my, my role. What'd the attorney say? But my concern,

I talked to four attorneys and they all said, there's nothing that I can do. You gotta wait till something happens. Yeah. It's all reactive. Um, that even in the extreme case of like, if he was a convicted child molester, that would be even a stretch. None of them gave me a legal path forward. Wow.

Unbelievable. I'm thinking, I'm putting myself in your situation. Our kids are relatively the same age. And there's nothing, nothing more important to me than the safety and security of my kids, both psychologically, physically, all that, right? And so I'm just sitting here, not as a podcast guy or a radio guy, but just as a dad to dad, man. And that feeling of powerlessness, I'm aching with you. That's what I'm telling you. I'm heartbroken with you,

brother. Um, how are you doing? How are you feeling before I start running my mouth here? Oh, it's, it's like you said, just powerlessness.

Um, I mean, I know there's things I can't control. I know that I can't, you know, prevent, uh, I can't keep them safe from every danger out there. But this just seems imminent, and I'm just supposed to just accept it. Yeah, that's a tough pill to swallow. Is your wife interested in, does she like the joint custody arrangement?

Is this a power move for her? Ex-wife. Ex-wife. Ex-wife. Well played. You know, that's a whole different rabbit hole. There's probably going to be some revisiting of that down the road.

Like if you went to her today and said, I'm willing to take 100%. Take these burdens from you and you can go live your life. Would she say great or would it be more of a how dare you? It would be how dare you. Okay. Okay.

Oh, man. Here's where I'm starting if I'm you. Number one, I'm going to deal with you internally and also then transition to the limited resources that you have. Okay. Number one, dealing with you is being constantly aware. And I'm glad you're seeing somebody. You got to get some buddies in your life, but being constantly aware of the feeling

of powerlessness, because that comes out in us differently. There's genetics, there's the models we grew up with. There's all kinds of ways that comes out. But for some of us, powerlessness comes out in depression. Some of us comes out in anxiety. Some of it comes out in rage and anger, and we snap, or we just fume. Some of it, we end up becoming addicted to scrolling. So think about what's happened nationally, internationally with the COVID stuff, right? That feeling of powerlessness comes out of us in all these rando ways and none of them are helpful, right? And so it's constantly knowing, okay, now I've found myself in a situation where my body is sensing it's not in control.

Here's what I'm going to do about it. Okay. So that's, that's an important thing is keeping yourself well in this process and not letting yourself get down a hole. Does that make sense? Yep. Okay. So here's number two. I think your counselor is way onto something and I would recommend going one step further. So you've, you listen to this show ever, you know I am radically, radically against phones for kids. I think those things are, I think they are destructive. There's not a redeeming quality about a kid with a cell phone, none. And in your case, I think it might be worth visiting, getting them some sort of connective device. Whether that's the Gabaphone, is that the ones that have some sort of protective? They don't just open up the internet to a seven-year-old, right?

But there's got to be some connection between you and your kids that then allows them to have some sort of safe text, safe words, safe calls, a safe way to communicate with you. Maybe even a safe, well, seven's really young to start recording people without them knowing, and I don't know your state's laws, but some way they can connect with you. Do they have phones or devices now? Yeah, they have devices. Okay. All right. Tablets. All right. So shame on you and good for you. All right. So some way they can communicate with you. That leads me to number two, and I would explore this with your counselor,

but there has to be a reality check. So I'm a hundred percent against speaking negatively about like exes, even when they're bonkers, even when they're destructive. But that doesn't mean that we don't tell the truth factually. Okay. So I would have conversations with my kids about, and this is a good practice regardless, right? There are scary people in the world and some of them are scary because they're loud. Some of them are scary because they hit other people. Some of them are scary, right? You see where I'm going? And this is going to be age appropriate.

Share, don't scare. But we're going to have a conversation with our kids that there is scary people out in the world. And I'm going to begin having conversations about what do you do? How do we respond to this? And I want your kids to know, they respond by calling you.

They respond if you're not available by calling 911. And be very explicit about, sometimes we get so scared that we don't want to move. And that's really important that you reach out to daddy then. Sometimes we get so scared and somebody says, if you tell anybody you're in big, big trouble, or I'm going to hurt somebody, then you really have to tell dad. You really have to tell them, right? And having this conversation, it's insane. The fact that you're even having to have this conversation, right? And that's where you find yourself. And so what we're going to do is we're going to begin to teach our kids and have conversations with our kids about this. In a less pathological example, my kids know we have a 911

rule. If we're at a store or if we're at a restaurant and I look at my son and say, this is a 911 situation, we need to go. He knows, ask no questions, ask no, don't look around. We get up and we walk out of the restaurant. And that's happened once. And again, some of this is because I grew up with a homicide detective and a SWAT guy as a father. And I've run around with police officers in the middle of the night dealing with tragedy. So some of this is me being paranoid, right? But also, I want to have a situation with him that knows we got to go now. And not his normal, why? I'm still eating my burger, right? But also I want to have a situation with him that knows we got to go now and not his normal, why I'm still eating my burger, right? And so this is just an extension

of that conversation and invite every time your kids come home, tell me about what y'all did. How was it? What were the good stuff? What was the, what were the BNWs? What was the best times? What were the worst times? Tell me about a time you were scared. Tell me about a time you felt brave. And I want you to make that a part of the regular rhythm of your conversation with your kids. And again, this is insane that you're having to do this, right? But we're going to have this regular rhythm of this conversation so that not if, but when something happens, it's a part of your regular rhythm. It's not going to be this weird new You know you hear me talk about Talking with your kids about sex

If you wait to have a big Hey kids sex talk It's going to be a disaster If you make talking about sex a regular rhythm in your house Then when your kid asks a question it's not weird It's just part of the narrative It's just part of the interaction in your home Same thing we're doing here

But I want to have some sort of norm for them calling you. Is that fair? Yes. Thank you. Are you allowed, and I don't know the laws in Maryland, are you allowed to text your kids and check in with them when they're with mom? Or do you have to cut off communication? Oh, I'm allowed to communicate with them anytime I want. Okay. So I've had some interactions with folks when they were going into meetings and they were worried about safety and I've sat outside their meeting. There was no threats or I've called police officers to come sit outside of a meeting when I was going to have a conversation with somebody that might be volatile. And we had things like, I'll just text you punctuation. I'll text you a question mark or a period or a hyphen.

And it will look benign to anybody else, but it might just be you say, hey, I'm just going to start texting you a couple of times. You have to respond regardless. And I'm going to text you a thumbs up and you, or that may be a little bit on the nose, but I'm going to text you an ABC. And if everything's going great, you text me a DEF or whatever the thing is, but y'all come up with some sort of check-in system that would be benign. And again, we're not talking about secrets and we're not telling your kids, all right, we got to do this and not tell anybody. But just texting them, hey, I love you. And if things are going great, say, I love you back. And if they're not going great, say, I love the Astros or whatever the thing happens to be, right? How does that sound?

That sounds like a really good idea. Okay. Thank you. Hey, know that my heart's with you, man. And the moment something happens, please don't hesitate. I know you won't. You've checked with four lawyers. You're not on top of it, Dad. don't hesitate. I know you won't. You've checked with four lawyers.

You're not on top of it, dad. Don't hesitate. Sometimes there's some hesitation like, well, that one wasn't that bad. That one wasn't this. I don't want to blow their lives up. Mom is making a really damning decision here, man. And I'm sorry you're in the middle of it. And it's just going to require some extra vigilance and making sure that you're okay. But man, thank you so much for your call, brother. And we'll be thinking about you. We'll be with you, man. And for those of you who have an ex and you're post-divorce and you're dating and you're with somebody and you think, man, this person's got these major red flag flaws, but they love me, and they've quote-unquote changed. Be so, so careful about how you bring your kids into your life,

into your kids' lives. Be very careful, man. Your kids deserve more than you being with somebody who's an abuser. And quite frankly, you deserve to be with somebody who's more than an abuser. We'll be right back on the Dr. John DeLong show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it.

I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist.

Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short

online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Hey, I got some letters here from folks who have written in. And, oh, you know what? This letter is from Maryland. The last caller was from Florida. Man, I screwed that up. All right, so I asked people to send in letters about what are you looking forward to this year?

Like, what are some of the who you're going to be's this year? And, man, I got a ton of letters. Keep them coming. I love getting mail. I'm like a middle schooler from the 70s, even though I wasn't a middle schooler in the 70s. I'm not that old. Dude, I love getting some of these.

This person wrote, Dr. John, you realize that by challenging us to write, well, also let us call your bluff at reading our mail, checking back on our resolutions, right? That was all in fun. You worked in higher ed. Consider that the classic. If you're reading this, I will buy you a candy bar. Okay, so this person's calling out, there's been professors, and I may have been one of them,

who would tell you at the beginning of your exam, read the instructions before you take this exam. No kid reads the instructions. No student ever reads instructions. They just dive right into the exam. And then I would put down on question number 50, answer no questions to put your name at the top of this exam and turn it in. And people would have wrestled with this thing

for two hours and fought all the way through this exam or whatever. And so that's what they're talking about here. So gotcha. There you go, Granger. Calling your bluff here. All right, let's see. Here's what Granger says she wants to be.

And I'm just using her last name here. Identity. Who are you going to be in 2022? Compassionate, active, a good friend, a 2 a.m. kind of friend, joyful, helpful, someone who takes care of myself better than I did previously. So someone who's a steward of their heart and mind and body. Body. I'm going to start swimming. I've always wanted

to. I'm going to cut out carbs and sugar. Every day I'm going to walk and stretch. How? There's a gym here at my work. Dude, I don't know where you work, but that's pretty rad. You don't do well with it. You know, you don't feel good when you eat lots of carbs and sugars and do there's a stretch app or yoga videos. Excellent. So you're saying here's who I'm going to be and you're breaking it down into, all right, what does that mean? I'm going to steward my body. And then here's, here's how I'm going to do it. Another one is mind weekly meeting with myself. Dude, I like that. Just a weekly check-in 30 minutes. You're worth 30 minutes a week, people. 30 minutes a week. That could be journaling. That could just be looking at your calendar. That can be looking

at your budget. How am I doing? All right, looking at your exercise log. Schedule class times for an online master's program. That's outstanding. Outstanding. Go get another degree. Good for you. Good for you. Read fiction, nonfiction books, pick up, declutter. Just take 30 minutes a day to clean up your area, right? Said the pot to the kettle as I look at my desk and I look like, that's just a disaster here. So excellent, excellent. That's what I'm talking about when it comes to who's your identity, who you're going to be, and then how are you going to backfill a plan? How are you going to reverse engineer a plan that works there? Here's another letter from, looks like the mountains in Colorado.

Let's see here. Ooh, they wrote tiny little, little letters here. Oh man. Let's see here. All right. Um, Deloney, I'm pretty excited and nervous to send you my goals for 2022. Jumping right into it. I'm going to read 20 books, start financial coaching to waste less food. Dude, I like it. Start a garden. Have our girls help with it. They're almost three years old and then almost a one-year-old. Get back to pre-pregnancy weight. Not even going to weigh in on that one because then you'll cancel me. The word, trying to live by his confidence. So this is the identity. I'm going to regain confidence. I've faked it for so long.

I want to take steps to go outside my comfort zone and to help grow that confidence. And how do you get confidence? By trying things, practicing things, getting good at things. And you only get good at things by giving it a shot and doing it again and again and again and again. And then you're going to fail and you're going to fail

and then you're going to fail a little bit less and a little bit less. And you're're going to fail and you're going to fail. And then you're going to fail a little bit less and a little bit less. And you're going to have success and you're going to go back to failing. And you're going to go and go and go until you get confidence. A lot of us try to read our way into confidence or chatter and run our mouths into confidence.

Unfortunately, you can't. You've got to do your way into confidence. You've got to go and get it done into confidence. And that's, man, we've got a culture. We just think our way into things and think our way out of things. Let's discuss, let's talk. Just go do it. Just go do it. Good for you. Good for you, Bailey. This is my 2021 word that I want to also continue with, hippie. Sounds like James. Not in a Woodstock way, more of a less wasteful, less plastic, better products, more local type of way. Cool. You're going to love locals, my buddy Andy Gullihorn says. I love that. I love this idea of, and COVID's forced some of us to do it,

we just got to re-engage locally. Like, what's my community doing? How can I help my community? How can I get a business going in this town? How can I help my community? How can I get a business going in this town? How can I support locally? I love, love, love that sentiment. So that's fantastic. And along those lines, this article just came out in the Wall Street Journal. Is the secret to happiness having a gratitude practice? Those of us who believe in being grateful for things that go, well, duh. A surprising unifier has emerged over the last year in the Wall Street Journal, my Monday morning column, which chronicles the routines and productivity secrets people use to start their weeks.

Gratitude. Stephen King does this. Actor Tracee Ellis Ross does this. Musical director Questlove does this. Nike CEO John Donahue spends time meditating on questions like, what am I grateful for? Goes through actors and actresses. You know who else does this? Just regular normal people. It doesn't have to be actors and CEOs, just regular normal people. Sit down and say, hey, listen, what is going good in my life? Our brains are so wired to look for the negative,

to keep us safe, to protect us, that we have to practice sitting down and going, what am I grateful for? Now, I've practiced being a gratitude. I've had a gratitude practice for years and years. Here's my little journal, right? Here it is. I got my stickers on it.

By the way, go ruck, James, I got my backpack. This is an unsolicited. We are not paid by these folks. We have no stake in anything. James, that Go Ruck backpack. I know it sounds ridiculous to say that. It's a game changer. It's a game changer.

It's incredible. Do you like yours still? I love it, but I feel like it's so rugged that it's probably bored. I feel like I want to go drag it around behind my car to give it some— You've personified your backpack? I think that's your inner voice saying, we should probably just stop looking at computers and go do something. Is that what's happening?

Yeah, it's probably not made to carry laptops in and out of office buildings. I love it, dude. So anyway, for years, I've written in this thing. And I just get a new one every time I fill it up. There's some new science out. If you're not listening to Andrew Huberman's podcast, it's so great. He's a medical school professor at Stanford, and he's just a national treasure right now.

You can check it out. I think it's the Huberman Lab podcast. It's just remarkable. And behind closed doors, I've heard he's a great human being. But he talks about some new science about gratitude. And instead of writing down four or five things every day, just doing that over and over, talks about the importance of letting gratitude circulate throughout your body. And this idea of sitting down and closing your eyes is very close to meditation, if you ask me. And remembering a time, a specific instance in your life when you are grateful and letting your body re-experience it. So instead of saying, I'm grateful for my wife, I'm grateful for my kids,

I'm grateful for food on the table, et cetera. I'm grateful for the time my friend Nathan sat with me in the hospital when my wife was having life-saving surgery. When her pregnancy went awry. Like I just sat with me. And I can remember my fear. I can remember my fear. I can remember my pain. I can remember talking with the surgeon and knowing just crisis person to crisis person, this was dicey. And then out of nowhere, my buddy Nathan, who's a stoic, he's a rancher. He didn't talk a lot. He just showed up and sat

with me and he just sat there and he just sat there for a long time until he came and got the news. Some of it was good. Some of it was bad. And man, I'm so grateful for his presence. And if I sit in that and let it wash over me, it's a powerful experience. And that can take one minute. That can take two minutes. And so according to Dr. Huberman, that's some of the new research about gratitude. So here's my challenge to you. I don't care if you're in the military.

I don't care if you're a single mom. I don't care if you're a hard-charging CEO or you're the assistant director of, you know, the janitorial staff at your office complex. I don't care what your job is. I care about you just as a person, just as a mom, as a dad, as a brother, as a husband, as a son, as a kid, as a neighbor, as a community member, as a person who lives in my country.

Spend a few minutes every day being grateful. Sit down, close your eyes. Remember a moment, a time when you were grateful. Somebody gave you a job. Somebody reached out and extended a hand. Somebody put some money in your time when you were grateful. Somebody gave you a job. Somebody reached out and extended a hand. Somebody put some money in your account when you're broke. Somebody came with a great idea and said, I want you to come along. Somebody invited you into a meeting that ultimately changed your life.

Somebody hired you and took a chance on you. Somebody forgave you, right? Whatever it is, sit down and just feel that. Feel it. Do it before your workout, after your workout, before you go to bed, whenever. I'm gonna keep doing my gratitude. I'm gonna keep writing down five things

I'm grateful for every day. I like the rhythm of that. I've been doing it for years, but I have added this new practice. And I can just tell you about Nathan just now, I can feel it in my body. I can feel it. Go body. I can feel it. Go for it.

Be grateful. And to you folks who are sending me letters about your intentions, now we're into February, we're getting into March, April. Don't quit. Don't quit. Keep going, keep going, keep going.

Look back at the stuff you wrote down in January and remember the person you said you were gonna be. Circumstances change, life changes, relationships change, but you committed to being a new kind of person. Stick with it. Stick with it with action. Stick with it by challenging your thoughts and changing your thoughts.

Stick with it by making sure you're plugged into a community. Don't stop having friends. Don't stop being connected. Don't stop saying, I'm sorry. Don't stop saying, I'm gonna do better. Don't stop saying, hey, how can I make this right? Stay on it. Connection, change your thoughts, I'm sorry. Don't stop saying, I'm going to do better. Don't stop saying, hey, how can I make this right? Stay on it.

Connection, change your thoughts, change your actions. Be grateful. We'll be right back on the Dr. John D'Aman show. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to

focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the homebuying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works.

Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. Let's go to Sydney in Dayton, Ohio. What's up, Sydney? Good morning. Sorry. They told me to do a countdown off air and I was counting in Spanish and then they said that I shouldn't turn the mic on. So you got to hear me counting in Spanish.

That's what that was all about. We're helping out the YouTube kids. And I do like Spanish. It's my favorite language. Alright, so what's up? So, I live with a guitar shredding Peter Pan. Is his name James Childs by any chance? No, it's not.

Alright, just wondering. A guitar shredding Peter Pan. That's my favorite. All right. Tell me about this. He lives, breathes, sleeps, eats guitar. That is all he does. And he's incredible.

I have to say. He is incredible. But that is all he is interested in doing, and that's all he does. Does he earn a living playing guitar? Not really. No. I take care of everything. Does he earn a living playing guitar? Not really No I have a very I take care of everything Well not everything

His incidentals he takes care of He does make money He could He could be professional He just doesn't have the motivation I take care of the house I own the house I clean the house

I repair the house I do the car repairs. So how can I help? Is there a way I can motivate him? What are you getting out of this? Oh, I have a blast with him. He's sweet. He's affectionate. What else? I've always taken care of myself. Always. Okay. I have always been independent. I have kept myself separate financially from everybody I've been with. I have a lot of fun fun How old are you? Old enough to know better You're getting something out of this What is it? Companionship I get attention

Why is this where you have landed As your benchmark for companionship? Well It's not about him This is a story about you Yeah as your benchmark for companionship? Well... It's not about him. This is a story about you. Yeah. I lost someone after 13 years. Okay.

Passed away? Yeah. Okay. From addiction. Yep. And during that addiction, I was totally neglected for about eight years. And then after he passed,

I met this one and he just hugs me and holds my hand and pays attention and loves me and shows it. And that for your body, for your spirit, that was worth the trade for a season. Yeah. Living, living eight years with an addict is,

it's like somebody putting a plastic bag over your head. You can't breathe. And then you're allowed one gulp of air, you know, every two minutes, right? And you can't breathe for eight years. And all of a sudden, somebody takes that bag off your head and somebody comes up and just pumps oxygen into you for a season, right? And it feels so good. It sounds like you got a kid.

You got a pet. Because you're a mom right now. You're not somebody's girlfriend. That is how I feel. That's what you are yeah your feelings are accurate often our feelings lie to us

your feelings are not lying so you've got a child that you take care of and that offers you sex intimacy and human connection

what else humor yes I mean you can watch Anchorman reruns to get humor like what are they what are they offering you human connection. What else? Humor? Yes. I mean, you can watch Anchorman reruns to get humor. Like, what are they offering you? Like, you're getting something out of this. Is it safety?

Is it security? Is it you can't fathom starting over yet again? Like, what is it? No, that doesn't scare me. Yes, it does. Not really. Not starting over. I love change. does. Not really, not starting over. I love change.

Okay, so break up with him today. Well, I don't want to hurt him. Because he's your kid. Yeah. Now, I was being facetious about breaking up with him. Your response confirms what you already know. Your instant response was not, but I love him, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

It was, now I'm trying to protect him. And no relationship can be built on protectionism like that. Protection is a part of a relationship, but it comes from a deep-seated sense of love and interconnectedness. How long have you all been together? Four years. You can tell me you're not afraid of change. Your body knows this story. The story of loss, the story of being single, the story of waking up and there's nobody next to you.

Your body knows that story. And you can tell me like, nah, it's cool, man. It's not. That's going to be hard. Be real, real hard. Is that true? That is true. Yeah.

I hate to admit that But that's true One of the I mean there's so many One of the great evils of living and loving Somebody who is An addict Is you lose sense of yourself

You feel crazy every day Right? You feel untethered, you feel disoriented, just making your way through the world because the person you love is also the person that hurts you the most. And your body and your brain have to toggle back and forth between I'm in love and I care and I'm trying to keep well and I'm being hurt all the time, either through neglect or positive, right?

All the time. Either through neglect or positive, right? All the time. And you feel bananas and it can lead to one of two things, hyper codependence or an addiction to absolute stoic control. You hit it. No relationship can survive either of those extremes. I fall in my life a little bit more on the, let's figure it out live. And my wife falls more on the list making side. Like we have to have somebody that pays the bills in this house,

John. And so there's, there's, there's degrees here. But my guess is just just listening to you, if you put your feet in concrete on the control side, I will control every variable from this point forward to the point that I'm going to date

and be intimate with a child so I can be that in control because part of you is so terrified to risk love again, true, connected connected partnership love. Because with that risk comes great hurt and you felt it. Oh yeah. And the hard, scary, sucky

part of love is the only way it works is if you risk. If you go all in. Otherwise you end up sleeping with a Guitar shredding Peter Pan Right And Peter Pan was a child So you knew calling

You knew calling me That you've got some hard decisions to make What are you going to do? I feel like I'm leading you And I don't want to be leading you Right What are you going to do? I'm leading you and I don't want to be leading you. Right. What are you going to do? I really, eventually things are going to have to change.

So what I'm telling you is they're not going to. I mean with myself. Ah, there you go. Have you sat down and said, dude, you got to get a job? Oh, yeah. How'd that go? Yeah not well You're so smart What do you do for a living?

Well I ran a company For a few years I am a recruiter Okay And do you do well recruiting? Oh yeah Yeah I'm able to take care of myself

And him But um Okay but you're wearing that as a badge of honor You have not dealt with being married and in love with an addict Have you? No You haven't That hurts way too much to think about

You have to deal with that. The idea that your status, your level of success is I can take care of myself, that's the most fundamental, like that is benchmark one to just being an adult. That's nothing to be said for, I experienced joy. I actually have true laughter. I've got true relationships where I risk, where I love,

where I give and I take and I disagree and I fight and I come back and I love harder the next time. Like, you're still so wrapped into your original pain. Like, I take care of myself. Yeah, I hope you do.

You're an adult. And you're really freaking smart. And one of my closest people to me in the world is a world-class recruiter. And you got to be real savvy and real smart and very quick and stay up late and get up early

and all those twists and turns of that job. And I know you can do that, but you've got a blind spot here because you haven't dealt with the original pain. Why are you scared to go in? You say it's going to hurt so bad. Why? I don't know. I just, I've never felt anything like that.

I've had loss, but I tried so hard to keep him alive and do everything I could. Hey, Sydney, Sydney. And that's all I focused on. Yeah. His death is not on you. It feels like it. You got to put that story down, sister. He didn't die because of you.

It took me a long time to figure out I couldn't do anything. Though in it, while I was in the throes of it, I tried everything. Of course you did. Anything I could think of. Because you loved it.

Yeah. But you still wake up every morning with the feeling, with the brick in your backpack that you killed your husband. And that's not true. It's not true. That story doesn's not true. It's not true. That story doesn't hold water.

It's a myth. And that brick is keeping you from relationships that you deserve, from joy and laughter that you deserve, from sleep. Man, you're talking about people who can't sleep. Be married to an addict. Right? Oh, yeah yeah the fear all night long all night long you still don't sleep do you

nope I wake up every night a few times a night can I tell you you deserve to lay down and go to sleep and sleep all night you deserve somebody who will love you and participate in bills participate in bills, participate in what you want to do, joy, all that stuff.

You got to set that brick down. I want you to say out loud, what was his name? The one that passed? Yep. Chris. I want you to say out loud, I am not responsible for Chris's death. I am not responsible for Chris's death.

You just said that in a very clinical way. I want you to drop your shoulders all the way down. You had to say it to get through it, and I get it. I want you to drop your shoulders all the way down. Drop them. They're clenched up around your ears through it, and I get it. I want you to drop your shoulders all the way down. Drop them. They're clenched up around your ears right now. I can feel it. Drop them down.

And say it. I'm not responsible for Chris's death. I am not responsible for Chris's death. And today, before the day's over, you have one homework assignment that's to call somebody and say it's time for me to start healing and my promise to you is this when you start healing from that trauma that you've experienced and you've been through a lot the death is big the death is the big acute trauma. But you experienced so much. You know this cognitively.

Your body's holding so much pain still. Still vigilant, still trying to keep things going. So much so that it will take love from a child just to keep some oxygen pumped into your heart and just so you can keep going. I want you to call a counselor and say, today's the day. Make that first call.

I got to start healing. Will you do that for you? I absolutely will. You promise? I promise. You are the bravest person I will talk to this week. Did you know what you're going to have to walk,

the harrowing hallway you're going to have to walk down to healrowing hallway you're going to have to walk down to heal this, right? Yeah, a lot of tears I've been holding back. Yeah, man. Think how exhausted your body is from not wanting to feel for so long.

From carrying that guilt and that weight. Think about it as a backpack full of bricks. Think how tired your body is. When you finally set that stuff down and let that stuff go and let that stuff out, your body, you're going to sleep. Oh my gosh, sister. And then you'll look over and go,

what are you doing in here, man? Peter, work or go. I'm freaking Sydney from Dayton. I'm not a mom. I'm a woman who's got a relationship that is egalitarian. We're going to love each other. We're going to support each other. And we are going to run for the hills together.

I'm not going to be anybody's mommy. I'll just have my own children. Is that fair? That is fair. You're the bravest person I've ever talked to. Now here's the thing. You make that call and get an appointment on the calendar and your homework assignment is to email me back

and let me know I did it. Okay. Cool? I will do that. If you don't, I'm going to publicly shame you. I'm just. Okay. Cool? I will do that. If you don't, I'm going to publicly shame you. I'm just kidding. I'm not going to do that. Okay?

I promise. I promise. You're worth more than all of this. You're worth more than all of this. You got a hard... Sometimes I know. Huh? Sometimes I know that. I know. Huh? Sometimes I know that.

I know. Because you're smart. And you're... I guarantee you're a fun person. You're an exhausted person. I am exhausted. Anxious, exhausted person. And you deserve more than that.

Simply because you're my sister. Because you live in my country. You're my friend. You're breathing. You're a person on planet Earth. Anything you want to throw in there, it's time to heal. It's time to heal. And then get on to the next chapter that is whatever you want to make it. First step, first step down the track starts today. So proud of you, Sydney. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up?

Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful,

non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right. Hey, we're back. Hey, real quick, just in case we didn't know how awesome Sydney was, in her email, she listed out the guitars that her boyfriend plays. Ooh, let's judge him. She said he plays a Japanese Ibanez and Eddie Van Halen Frankenstein guitar, a Flying V, and a Hammer, which sounds right up your alley. That's even too far for me. That sounds like, A, Flying V, absolutely.

If it's the Gibson Flying V, if it's the Jackson Flying V, I would for sure take it, but I'm not going to pay for that. The BC Rich Flying V, the Kerry King one, it's so rad. I saw one at Guitar Center the other day. A, it shouldn't be at Guitar Center, I know, but it's awesome. But, dude, those are shredalicious guitars back from like Warrant and Rat days. This poor woman is dating a 35-year-old 11-year-old. Oh, man. Folks, deal with your trauma. It sucks and it's hard. Deal with it. And if you're a guitar player,

put the hammer down. Just put it down. Put the Japanese Ibanez down. Just set it down. You're worth more than that, too. I do love a good Ibanez. Dude, I saw Joe Satriani in concert. He was great. He plays an Ibanez. That was my first guitar was a Joe Satriani Ibanez. Really? Were you Shredosaurus on it?

No. What took you astray and led you down to the world of jangles and sadness and reverb? You're not even going to respond? The Smiths, I don't know. Oh, man. All right, as we wrap up today's show, let's go with this one. The Beastie Boys, dude. Just love it.

Dropping this song called Gratitude, and it goes like this. Good times gone and you missed them. What's gone wrong in your system? Things they bounce just like a Spalding. What'd you think? Did you miss your calling? It's so free, this kind of feeling. It's like life's so appealing when you've got so much to say.

It's called Gratitude, and that's right. Good times gone, but you feed it. Hate's grown strong. You feel you need it. Just one thing do do you know? What you think that the world owes you What's gonna set you free You look inside and you'll see

When you've got so much to say It's called gratitude And that's right My boys from Brooklyn Gratitude Right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show