The Dr. John Delony Show - My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .

Episode Date: March 26, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A woman feeling insecure about her boyfriend’s sexual past ·      A grandmother struggling to balance life while having custody of her grandson ·      A man unsure if he should bring up concerns about his older brother’s girlfriend Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I found out that my boyfriend has had a more colorful sexual history than I was originally aware of. And my last relationship, it was so awful. He I guess would try and do the same thing and coerce me into his sexual deviancy. What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney show. Hope you are doing incredible wherever you find yourself. I also know that not everybody's doing incredible right now and so wherever you happen to be I'm glad that you've joined us. Whether you're sitting in a park somewhere and it's freezing cold and you're just listening to the show or you're going for a walk or a run

or you're cleaning the house or driving somewhere, thank you so much for being with us. It means the absolute world. On this show, we talk about your emotional health, your mental health, your relationships, your kids, your spouse, whatever you got going on in your world. I'd love to have you on the show. Give me a call, 1-844-693-3291

or johndeloney.com slash ask. It does mean the world to us that you're here and it makes a big difference if you will take one second and like the show, subscribe to it if you're watching this on YouTube or leave a quick review of a Jillian star. It just, it means the world to me. Thank you so, so much. And it does help the show out there to more people. All right. Let's go to Laredo, Texas and talk to Brianna. What's up, Brianna? Hi, how's it going? I'm doing great. How about you? Oh, I'm doing all right myself.

Excellent. So what's up in your world? Uh, well, nothing too much. What's your question? Yeah, my question for you today is I found out that my boyfriend has had a more colorful sexual history than I was originally aware of. That's a very colorful way to put that. Well done. Yeah. Obviously I won't go into too much detail about what exactly that entails.

I'll go into all the details that you want to. That helps, it'll help the show. I'm just kidding, totally kidding. You talk about what you're comfortable with. Alright, so he had a past. Yeah, just did a lot of things that I wasn't really aware of and now I just cannot help but feel this like deep sense of insecurity that I know is completely irrational. But I don't really know how to deal with that or how to get over it. So what if I told you I don't think it's irrational? Why do you think it's irrational?

It's all in the past. It doesn't really, like it's not really anything that currently happens, of course. And like all of those things weren't things that he had wanted to do. They were kind of thrust upon him. Yeah. So it was, it was an abuse situation or an assault situation? I put it in coercion, like strong coercion. Okay.

And when you say you just recently found out, are you also wrestling with him not being honest with you or has he been pretty straight up? It's just coming in waves if you will I Guess it's not exactly that he had been dishonest. I guess it just never came up Just never came up yeah Kudos to him for not leading with that That happens sometimes these days.

So I don't think you're irrational. I think we're wired to look to our right and look to our left and ask ourselves, how do we measure up? And I think it's dealing with that and working through it, but I don't think you're crazy. I don't know if that makes you feel any better, but I don't think you're crazy. Yeah. I feel you're crazy. I don't know if that makes you feel any better, but I don't think you're crazy Yeah No, you're like no no no I'm crazy so when you

Kind of spin out a little bit walk me through that I guess if I were to go into like a specific thing, I just had like, I didn't, I wasn't angry at him, but, um, like I was more so angry at myself and I had just started crying and, um, and I just, I don't even really know how that happened. Tell me why you were angry at yourself. Well, I think I just always have this constant battle in myself between a need for modesty and a need to feel desired.

And in my brain, I can't do both. Dude, that's really insightful. Is there a part of you that had a picture of people who have colorful sexual pasts are a certain way and now you found yourself in love with somebody and you're reconciling that cognitive dissonance? Where you told yourself a story for a long time about these kinds of people do that, and then you've met somebody that's pretty wonderful and it's not jiving?

Yeah. That sounds about right. And I think it's a mix of, in my last relationship, it was so awful. I'd only ever had one other relationship before. My boyfriend, my current boyfriend. I think he's actually the best person on this planet ever. But my previous relationship was so awful in so many ways. And he, I guess would try and do the same thing and coerce me into his actual

deviancy. Deviancy. And you know, I guess I have a way with words sometimes and I was able to like talk my way out of it for a really long time. Is there a little part of you that's frustrated that your boyfriend didn't have that same ability? Yeah.

Yeah. And here's what I'm getting at. I don't want you to ever feel bad that you have a feeling. Oh, that's hard. I know, but when you try to avoid the actual honest, true feeling that's sitting inside your chest, when you avoid it, when you shove it down, when you gaslight yourself and make yourself feel crazy for having a feeling, then it will come out. And sometimes it comes out in these fits of rage.

Sometimes it comes out in, I can't stop crying and I don't know why. You know what I mean? It will come out some way. And then depending on how you grew up, then if we got in trouble for feeling feelings, then now we think something's wrong with us. And we're, you know, you get what I'm saying? It just kind of dominoes itself.

And if I go all the way up the dominoes, it's giving myself permission to feel things as they are. And then you hear me say this on the show all the time, then go do the next right thing Does that make sense? Yeah, and we have a culture that says you have to say every feeling out loud you for sure don't right? I have feelings sometimes that are bananas and I know cognitively that's not true. And also my body feels it and both of those things are okay Mm-hmm, but I know I can throw a grenade at my wife or I can throw a grenade at one of my co-workers Like I feel this and suddenly, you know making them feel guilty or whatever But I know I can throw a grenade at my wife or I can throw a grenade at one of my coworkers

like I feel this and suddenly, you know, making them feel guilty or whatever. Let me ask you a deeper question. What is it about the external world that you feel like they get to determine how you operate? And here's that's kind of, I said that kind of confusing. It sounds like you've outsourced your self-worth into his old girlfriends or into his old partners or into some picture that you're supposed to be. Why have you outsourced yourself in that way?

That's a good question. I didn't in the beginning like it didn't bother me at all in the beginning because I knew like He had seen like a lot more people than I had initially but um, I Really don't know I think I don't, I think there's a whole tie in just what happened in my last relationship and deviancy being like, every guy wants this and it's ridiculous if you believe that they don't. Even if they say they don't, they do. And so now I'm kind of thinking like, oh no, is this like something he secretly wants and that I can't give him?

And I've talked about it with him before, like just very candidly. And he said like he does not want to do that stuff. And he's really like deeply ashamed that he had and wishes he hadn't. But when you say deviance here, you're talking about like particular sexual acts. Are you talking about like hand holding the special way? Give me a ballpark here. Things that are taboo. I just, I don't want to go into detail.

I promised him I wouldn't tell us soul anything No, that's fine. That's fine Tell us soul. Yeah, just me and you and a couple million people. That's all right um so If this is too personal of a question feel free just to say I pass Um, you said you fought this guy off um, and i'm assuming that was um

Figuratively and not not so much literally but maybe literally um this guy off. And I'm assuming that was figuratively and not so much literally, but maybe literally. Did you eventually relent? No. Okay. There were a few things I relented on, like, I mean, I guess if I, cause I can be specific on my own.

I had assumed I was going to like wait until marriage. And I didn't. And I wished I had, well, I wish I had at least waited until my current boyfriend, but it was just this whole thing. Like I had a whole episode of vaginismus because I was so stressed out from the whole situation. Yeah. And I was yelled at. It was your body telling you, yeah, we don't, something about this isn't right.

Yeah. So have you forgiven yourself for violating your own values? I'm in the process of it. Okay. Okay. I don't know if this helps. I don't think you're a bad person. Okay. I don't know if that, I mean, you don't need my approval or anything like that. I don't want to sound like that, but, um, I guess, I guess my encouragement to you is

you're not crazy. And if you were put in a position where it was constant beratement, beratement, beratement, beratement, and you ended up going against your own set of values. And now you're looking in the aftermath, like I wish I hadn't have done that. I did. And now I'm showing up to a new relationship with somebody who also found themselves

in that same situation. What I want you to always come back to is you have permission to feel what you feel And you have permission to learn from what happened and you also you're right to be to be cautious Taking your next steps Mm-hmm, and I guess my challenge to you is is to not outsource your self-worth to his old girlfriends, to him, to this old terrible boyfriend from your past that just dishonored you over and over and over and over again. And that you're able to find peace inside your own chest from the inside out.

At that point, I mean, I know pretty much what's wrong with what I'm doing. I just don't know how to like actually get better. Have you had moments where you have that lightning bolt of him with somebody else zap into your mind? Yeah, yeah, a lot. So often that's the root of, we feel paralyzed by these moments because we keep imagining and then we meditate on them.

And meditate sounds all spiritual and woo woo, but basically we have that lightning bolt of a picture in our head. And'll get I'll get overly graphic here Not to be sensational but just to like put it all out on the table You have a picture of him that pops into your head maybe you and him are kissing and you pops in your head of him with somebody else and Then you stay on it Or maybe you're in the shower. Maybe you're laying in bed about to go to sleep and it just zaps into your mind

And then you stay with it yeah, and you go all the way down the rabbit hole of what you imagine might have happened and what it looked like and His face and their face like you get what I'm saying Like you just go and re you retell that story in your mind as you imagine it. And then your body doesn't really know the difference. It just starts responding

as though it's happening in real time. And so the challenge for you, I think, a challenge for all of us. I mean, this happens with people who have experienced tragedy, experience near death experiences, loss of a loved one, unwanted sexual experiences. Like what you're like going through experiencing your own unwanted sexual experience and your new boyfriend's unwanted past, right? Is the thing that happened happened.

There's a period at the end of it. And so it's not a matter of forgetting it or pretending it doesn't exist, but it's also, I'm not gonna pour gasoline on that. And so a fire with no oxygen and a fire with no fuel burns itself out really fast. And so when that lightning bolt snaps into your mind, we can't stop that.

That just happens. I promise you though, if you will work on it, if you'll work hard on it, it will over time go, it will diminish significantly. Okay. And our bodies, it's our bodies way of keeping us safe by flashing those things. Remember, don't forget, don't forget, don't forget. And it's just trying to, our body's just trying to keep us alive. So again, I'm not gonna go to war with my body. It's just trying to keep me safe, but I am gonna say,

I don't need that level of safety anymore. I'm okay now. How long have you been with this guy? Two years, just about. Okay, so you trust him, he's safe? Yes, God, he's safe. Okay, amazing, That's amazing. So here's what we're gonna do when your body spins up and tries to protect you When that lightning bolt snaps in your head of him with one of his his exes We're gonna exhale and we're gonna immediately have a new picture that's gonna replace it and sometimes I'll say things like

No, I'll just be walking across my house and say that. I've been doing it for so long that now I'll just whisper it or now I can just move on without it. Or occasionally, I don't know why, I think sometimes a physical act, so I'll fidget with the middle of my shirt or with the hem of my shirt or I'll scratch the, the, the, around my thumbnail. But I have a thing that is just like a quick physical tell and

Then I'll immediately have a picture of us two you and him walking holding hands or The first date or the time he dropped his ice cream and you slipped in it and you both fell down. It was hilarious But but I'm gonna replace that picture that just popped into my mind to get really kind of When a parent loses a child, there's something insane. It's just disorienting about seeing a casket that small. Right? And it will zap into a parent's mind over and over again. And so the challenge for a parent is to go, nope, and to immediately have a

memory in queue ready to rock and roll. And it can be the same one over and over again of the little kid driving around on a big wheel or for an infant grabbing your finger and holding on real tight. And so for you, it's getting a couple of pictures in your mind of you and him having a great time and what you'll do with your mind over time. Is it lightning bolts that picture in? You're like, nope. And you exhale and breathe. I'm gonna give five or 10 seconds on the memory of us

holding hands, of us running, being silly or whatever. The first time he kissed you, whatever. I don't know what the thing is, but what everything brings you like a small smile to the corner of your mouth. And I'm gonna meditate on that. I'm gonna remember how he looked, how he felt, how he smelled, how I felt inside.

Do you get what I'm saying? This sounds so cheesy, but it's something you practice. And then I want you to keep some sort of journal that when you have those feelings, I feel like I'm not enough. I feel like he's more experienced than me. I feel like whenever he tells me a story or I think about him, I feel how bad I felt

when it was happening to me. I'm gonna write those things and get those out of my body because I get to feel them, but then I'm gonna go do the next right thing. And the next right thing might be gratitude, it might be kindness, it might be just finding somebody to text and just say, hey, I just want to let you know real quick, I love you. Well.

But you get what I'm saying? Yeah, I do. It's all about not thinking about the next right thing, but doing a thing. I see. It just takes so long. It does. It's a pain in the butt.

And I'm sorry that somebody hurt you. And I'm sorry that somebody hurt him. And I'm trusting you. I'm glad y'all found each other. I am too. But he's going to have to go through the same thing, right? Has he forgiven himself? I'm not sure. I don't think so. Okay. One of the worst things is, is two people who sit together and they just mire in their,

in their traumatic pasts. Yeah. You know what I mean? It just becomes like, it just like, like goo, just, yeah. Yeah. I think, I mean, he doesn't talk about it a lot, but I know it's something that bothers him a lot. Yeah. And like when I hear about it from him, it's, you know, it's like the worst thing I could imagine someone pressuring you to do or one of.

And you've been there, right? I've been there and I was trying like pressure to do like the same thing and yeah yeah I'm sorry you experienced that I'm sorry somebody did that to you that shouldn't happen like that no I wish I knew that it wasn't normal yeah and sorry that you got the meta message that all guys are like that because they're just not. They're just not. I'm glad I know. I know. And here's the deal.

Your body's just trying to protect you. So even if you have those exhale thoughts where you intentionally drop your shoulders and you say, not going to war with my body, I'm trying to keep me safe. Thank you for trying to keep me safe. And I'm good right now. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, right now BetterHelp is offering the biggest discount I've ever seen. 90% off your first week now through March 31. Listen, you've heard me say this 1000 times, you're worth being well. And I

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90% off your first week. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get started. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. I want to tell you about Cozy Earth, the makers of incredible sheets, bedding, and bath linens. It's almost time. The sun will come out tomorrow. Dude, spring is so close and

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under to watch the show. It's bye bye for my anxiety. Cozy Earth is my go-to and it can be your go-to for building a sanctuary in your home so you can feel safe, relaxed, and ready to take on whatever comes next. And remember, Cozy Earth's Spring into Comfort Sale is happening right now with exclusive savings for you watching or listening to the show. 40% off all products. That's 40% off. Visit Cozy Earth dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney right now. That's C-O-Z-Y. CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Hey, me and my homie, Dave Ramsey,

are going on a short tour and we're gonna hit a couple of cities and it's gonna be a absolute mayhem blast. Durham, North Carolina on April 23rd, Louisville on April 21st, Atlanta on April 25th, Phoenix on May 5th, Fort Worth, Texas, Texans, y'all got to show up on this one. May 7th in Kansas City. Guys, what happened?

Kansas City, May 9th. Dude, they're going to be a absolute party. Tickets start at 40 bucks. It's going to be, it's just going to be wheels off. Um, everyone's going to get to decide from the audience what we talk about There's be will both be on stage the whole it's gonna be a blast go to Ramsey solutions.com slash tour we're talking about relationships coming about life talk about money and everything in between unfiltered unapologetic and Hopefully you'll leave with some things that you can use to make your life even better

and hopefully you'll leave with some things that you can use to make your life even better. All right, let's go out to New York, New York and to New York and talk to Marie. I think I sounded just like Alicia Keys just then. What's up? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. Thank you for calling. You've absolutely made my day. I'm really grateful.

Thank you. Um, I am a 60 plus year old woman who I obtained custody of my grandson back in 2014. Um, both his parents are addicts. Um, his father, he's 18 right now. Um, he is away at college. His father is still actively using his mother. My daughter, um, has had a couple of relapses and I believe right at this moment she is sober. My question though is having to raise my grandson and just trying to find that balance on trying to live my life. you know, raising my children and then usually that's the time where after your children are, you know, in their own lives, that's the time that you become, you can worry about yourself and start, you know, living your life. And I'm just having that hard time because now I have, I'm actively raising my grandson. His parents really are

not a major part of his life. He can't count on them at all. Like I'm still the one who has to go to parent functions because like they'll say they'll be there for him, but they, they know just never show up. So so I'm I'm just trying to find that balance for me as well as be there for him because he still really needs me yeah I guess number one if you were sitting here I'd ask you if it was okay if I gave you a hug I'm sorry sorry this happened. Oh you know what I feel I feel bad for me but I feel so bad for him. Hold on, hold on Marie Marie Marie. Yeah. Let's put him off to the side for a second. Oh you just to like take your shoulders and clench them up around your neck real quick.

Can you do that real hard for like three seconds? Clench them really tight, three, two, and then just drop them as low as you can get them. All right, listen, you get to be sad for you. You've been living- I know how to do that. I know, I know. Tell me if I'm wrong, but there's a part of you, you're a tough as nails, badass New

York grandma who does what it takes, but there's a part of you that thinks if I start crying, I will never stop. Oh, yes. Yeah. You've done a really amazing thing and I'm honored to call you my new friend. Oh, thank you. And can I just say a couple of hard things right in a row? Yes.

There's probably some things from your daughter's childhood you wish you could take back, aren't there? A few. Okay. And her adult choices that she makes, they're not your fault. They're not. And this imaginary balance nonsense is just a big box of bull crap. And I wish it wasn't, but it is.

There's no such thing. And I hate that somebody told you long ago that you had to choose between living your life and living your kid's life. Like there's just one life, right? And kids come in, they take up a whole bunch of it. And if they have challenges, obviously that takes up more of it, kind of like a balloon, but sorry, somebody told you that. So let me ask you to be selfish for 30 seconds, okay?

Okay. What do you think you're missing out on? You know what? I don't even know. I don't even know. I just never think about what I want or what I need. You know, I'm still working full time, so I get up, I go to work. I just do.

Pretend with me for a second or dream with me. Okay. What do you want? What do I want? I want to be able to travel. I want to be able to just not think of any responsibilities I have. Yeah. Keep going. You know, I just, I want to not have to worry about everybody else and just worry about

me. That's the words, that's the song, that's the poetry of somebody who is deeply exhausted. Yeah. Because all of your language is, I want to escape my own skin. Even if just for a second, I want to escape my own skin. Yeah. And traveling is good and not worrying about other people are good, but on the other side of that worrying is heavy, right?

And so I don't want to minimize worrying about a grandson who's not going to college and you don't want him to make the same mistakes your daughter made and worrying if you're always going to get that call, right? Every time the phone rings, you grab it because you never know what that call is going to be. And also that worry or that angst about your body is still trying to solve for a picture of what should have been. What should have been is your daughter and her husband weren't wrestling with addiction

and your grandson had this miraculous life and you just got to be granny and come in with your crazy New York yelling and banging on stuff and lecturing and judging and then going home. You know what I mean? That's the way it should have been. Yes.

Yes, and we both missed out on that. I know, but, okay, so we're going to grieve that. We're going to be sad because right now you're still trying to make it happen and it can't happen. And it's a weird thing our minds do, but it continues to solve for a picture. Can I give you like a lame example? This is a lame example from my own life.

Whenever I took the woman who's my wife, she's been my wife for almost 23 years now, I took her to meet my gang the guys I grew up with okay These are guys I don't even take restaurant recommendations from but for some reason I felt like they needed to like sign off right and I was a young idiot, but To a person they pulled me aside and they were like, hey, she seems awesome, but are you for real? Are you serious? Because the people I had dated before were not like her. She

wore a brown braided belt and tucked her shirt in and listened to country music and was on time everywhere and was quiet. And I always dated loud dated loud like you know what I mean just kind of center of attention kind of people. And it wasn't until 10 years into being married that I realized all this angst I had not all of it but a chunk of it I married the wrong person I can't believe she married me was my body my brain was still trying to solve for this other person. And I never fully exhaled into, dude, I've got an amazing person right here in front of me.

And I literally had to grieve the picture. I did not marry somebody who's going to be on the front row stage diving at a punk rock show. I just didn't. I thought I would. I'm not married to somebody who has a tattoo sleeve and all these just stuff I made up, right? Who's independently wealthy. I married a teacher who's freaking amazing but I had to put a period at the end of

This picture my body was trying to solve for all the time because it created angst inside my house and for you If I can just be blunt as can be, I don't think you're ever going to get that call from your daughter that's like, man, you know what, I blew it. I'm totally sober. I'm coming to get my kid. You're off the hook. Go back to doing granny stuff.

That call is not going to come. No, no. And that's, you're right. I need to just forget about that. Don't forget about it. Don't forget about it. Go right through it. You can't forget about it because it is. It's something to be sad about. It's not supposed to be this way. And here's what happens when you grieve that.

You get to exhale into what actually has been. So can I be real like I'm fishing here but I just want to throw some things out and you tell me if I'm wrong. Okay. 14, 15, 16, 17 year old kid you got to run it back. You got to love again and in a weird way, maybe you got to redeem some things that you wish you could do again with your daughter. You got to not miss some stuff. The fact that this kid's in college tells me you have worked really hard to break the

cycle. Yes. Does this little knuckle-headed 18-year-old know that his grandma loves him to the moon and back? Oh, absolutely. We have an amazing relationship and we talk a lot. And as a matter of fact, he was just home recently. He came home for the weekend and he did.

He told me that he knows I'm always there for him and he thanks me, You know, give me a big hug, kiss, tell me you love me. And he said thank you. Like, so yes, he does know. And so would you trade that for anything? Nothing at all. There you go. Nothing at all. That's like the greatest moment, you know.

That's right. That's right. It solidifies that I did everything right. You did it beyond right. It's easy when I talk to 25 year olds whose parents were tough on them or they had a lot of challenges or had abusive homes and I'm talking to them about breaking their family, changing their family tree, breaking the cycle. You un-potted yourself from the plant you are in and re-potted. That's

even harder. What you have done is nothing short of miraculous. And, you know what I'm saying? Like it's astounding. And by the way, you parented in a world that you don't even know how it works. You don't know how texting and Snapchat and Fortnite and all this crazy nonsense, you get what I'm saying? At least my parents parented me in a world that they semi understood. Right. And so you've been out like blind leading like with a blindfold on in the dark leading this young man through like you're it's here. So in a similar way, sometimes I talk to like a mom who's pregnant and she's 18. And then she has this baby and she realizes,

oh my gosh, this is an amazing gift. And she wouldn't have drawn it up like this. She understands that her life's gonna be hard, but now she's holding this extraordinary moment, right? This extraordinary thing. Not just the kid, but the life. And so when you grieve what should have been and what wasn't, then you get to truly honor what is.

And worry is heavy, but loneliness is heavier. Yes. And so I know you want to escape it. I know you're exhausted and being the mother of someone who struggles with addiction is I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. No. Because you never fully go to sleep at night. You haven't for two decades. Right. And you get to love this knuckleheaded 18 year old

in a way that you wouldn't trade for the world. Absolutely, absolutely. And so I guess what I wanna challenge you with is this one simple truth. The greatest gift you can give him and your daughter is to make sure you're whole and well. And that means saying no to some stuff. That means getting a couple of loud grandmas there in New York and go and have coffee every morning in those incredible bagels

and going for walks and going to the theater with your friends and saying no to a few things. It's okay. So that when you say yes, you're fully in. that when you say yes, you're fully in. Can I tell you the hard part if you don't? The hard part if you don't is you stop caring for your daughter and you stop feeling guilty about your daughter and you start resenting her. You stop feeling guilty about this grandson of yours and you start to resent him every time he calls. That's not fair to them, right? No, no, no

So if I could snap my fingers and say you can go do three things in the next month, what would you do I Would Go out to dinner dinner with a few friends. Will you go to kind of a ridiculous dinner? Sure. Something ridiculous. Something ridiculous, something I would never think to do? Yes.

Okay. And be loud? I will. I will definitely try. What else? That's one thing. Give me two more. Let me see.

Definitely want to start either going back to the gym or setting aside half hour, an hour a day just to take a walk or read a book or something like that. Something that just disconnects and just be. I want to give you full permission to turn your phone off. And when grandson who you've been on call like, like an EMS responder for the last however many years, 18 years. I want you to tell them starting today between the hours of 10 and 1130 my phone's off. Granny's getting ripped and granny's reading a book and I don't answer the phone during that time.

Okay. And if I can be really crass, you've already imagined that worst phone call from your daughter a thousand times, haven't you? That's right. Yes, absolutely. If you ever get that call, and God forbid, I hope you never do, you rehearsing that is not going to make that call any easier? Does that girl know you love her?

I hope so. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Does she know you love her? She does know I love her. Yes, she does. Deep down, she does. You can turn your phone off. Okay.

And I'm saying that literally, but it can also be metaphorically. When you go for a walk, you can have your phone. Right. Just right. Okay. And I'm saying that literally, but it can also be metaphorically. When you go for a walk, you can have your phone. Right. Just right. You go to the gym, you can have it by you.

But when you go for a walk and when you go exercise and when you go out to Central and you just go look at the people throwing the ball to their designer dogs, there's some doodle of some sort, you're like, why did you spend $4,000 on that? When you go do that, you come back inside and it's been cold, but it's been sunny. And then your grandson calls, you're a laser beam on that phone call. You're not exhausted When you go to work you can be fully at work when you're not at work you can be for there does that make sense Oh, you have permission just live are you married you with somebody? I am with I am with somebody now

Yes, what's their name? I am with somebody now. Yes. What's their name? Nevermind, don't tell me his name. That's fine, that's fine, that's fine. Good person or goofball or both? Very good, a little bit of both and that's good. Good. All right, tell him he has one job

and that is one quasi reckless thing a month. He's got a plan. Dancing, a play, you live in a crazy fun rad city. Yeah. Tell him you're planning one thing for me every month. I've been planning stuff for everybody for the last three decades. You're planning something for me once a month and it's got to be silly. And you know what? He really has, he really tries and I'm always, and I'm always like so centered on my grandson, you know, what's going on with him. And, you know, so we've had those talks. So I need to just let him do these things for me and not worry so much about my grandson.

Even if to bridge the gap, you send your grandson a text and say, going out on a hot date might get a little eww, so you're probably not going to want to text me for the next few hours. Okay. That's a good idea to do. That way I don't have to worry about You know is my phone near me. Is he gonna need me, you know and just live and can I tell you the greatest gift? You can give this 18 year old is to let him start practicing autonomy. He's gonna have to learn to figure stuff out himself right and I know that's hard because of the hell he's lived and experienced and

Every 18 year old boy should be able to call mom and he can't sometimes and every 18 year old man needs their dad and he doesn't have that. Right, and I think that's why I make myself so available because he knows. I know. Like I am mom, I am dad. But he's going to have to learn to reach out to an instructor or to a coach or to a kickboxing instructor. He's going to have to start looking for and towards other men in his life. Okay. And maybe that's the harder conversation is you're 18 now and these are things

that your dad should have taught you and should walk you through. You're not going to have that. That doesn't, that doesn't minimize the need he has to go get those things. Right. Right. I can't be everything to him. That's right. And I need you to hear me say what you have done is Herculean.

It's amazing. It's extraordinary. And on behalf of all of us with sons, thank you for being there to step in the gap. It's my worst nightmare is if I go away and my kid's mom goes away, what happens? Who steps in? And you've done that. Thank you so much. Okay.

Now, will you go have some hilarity and some adventures in your life? Yes. I promise I will. Okay. Thank you so much. Your last homework assignment is I want you to take a picture of it, of y'all doing something insurers in your life? Yes. Awesome. I promise I will. Okay. Thank you so much. Your last homework assignment is I want you to take a picture of it, of y'all doing something goofy and email it into the show.

And I won't post it, but it will just be for me. Thank you so much for being brave and for calling in. And thank you for being a grandma who stepped in the gap. It's pretty amazing. We'll be right back. All right. Let's talk about bond charge. Here's the deal. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of

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Hey Levi, what's up? Hey John, how are you doing? Partying man. What are you up to? Just finishing up some work and got a call that I was able to join you today. So I'm excited to be able to speak to you. Excellent brother. What's up, man?

I was able to join you today. So I'm excited to be able to speak to you. Excellent brother. What's up, man? So I have a brother who's just over 40, living at home currently because he got out of his second marriage a little while ago and moved back in with my parents and he's entering into his third marriage pretty soon.

He's engaged and we're just wondering, it's how he does this. He seems to be going into this really quickly. He just met this woman. It's kind of similar to previous relationships where he met her, she lives three states away. And all of a sudden we hear about her and three weeks later he's engaged

and he wants to get married. He wants to get married in March. And we're just trying to figure out how to talk to him. He suffers from pretty severe depression, puts a lot of weight of his value into his relationships that he has. He completely changes who he is, everything from religious beliefs

to activities he's interested in for these women that he's somewhat dated, but mostly he dates one woman and all of a sudden they're the one, they're the best thing in the world. And he ends up marrying them, you know, six months later or so. And with this woman, my sister's met her.

I've heard about her and she seems great. My sister's talked really well with her, but again, we feel like he's almost pressuring this woman into getting married as soon as she can, where even my sister said, she feels like she's trying to say, hey, let's hold off a little bit longer, maybe June or so. And we're just wondering,

because he's suffered from such a severe depression with things, how do we bring this up to him? How do we talk to him? Is this something we have to kind of let him go forward with or do we try and have some sort of intervention or, you know, how much do we tiptoe around him versus sit him down and say, hey, like, things need to change or you need to do some introspective seeking. I guess my response to that is if you sat him down and said that, and he looked at you and said, or what, what would you say? When you say, can you repeat that question?

Yeah. So imagine yourself, play it out for me. You set him down and you say, hey, you've done this twice. You're chronically depressed. You got some challenges that you need to work through. You don't need to be marrying this woman right now. We think this is a bad idea. So you can't marry her.

If he looked at you and said, or what? Yeah. What would the response be? Yeah. Our response would response be? Yeah. Our response would, you know, we'd still be there for him. We'd still support him. We'd still come to his wedding, you know, if we're able to. So what's your relationship?

What's your relationship like with him? It's good. You know, we, I'm not close to him. I'm on the other side of the country. So I speak with him every couple of weeks on the phone. My sister sees him every couple of weeks. So we have a pretty solid relationship. He was running into his last relationship with his girlfriend pretty quick. And even to the point where he brought her out

here to visit me and my family. And I kind of sat him down, I was like, hey, she seems really nice, but she seems very cold to you. And I don't, I don't know if that's the right thing for you. And to the point where he even said like, hey, that's one of the reasons why I separated with her was because of that conversation. So we have a good relationship. Is it worth you flying out just taking him to coffee? Yeah. And say, hey, I love you and um

Sister says this new girl is pretty amazing but this feels really fast And I guess I guess I guess there's two things here one I I just simply I haven't experienced and I don't know other people who have experienced Things, you know outside of abuse and physical violence, right? More heartbreaking Than watching an adult family member make choices that we don't like agree with and we know we're gonna hurt them and they simply Didn't ask for our opinion

Yeah, and so we have to make a choice or we're gonna love them and we knew we were going to hurt them and they simply didn't ask for our opinion. Yeah. And so we have to make a choice or we're going to love them through it or we're going to turn our back on it. And there's moments when turning our back is the right thing. Contrary to popular belief. And there's moments when you sit down with somebody and you say, hey, I just got it. I got it. I wouldn't love you. I wouldn't be loving you if I didn't tell you what I think is the truth. I think this isn't a good idea. And I'll be there. I'll sit with you.

I'll sit with you when you're happy. I'll sit with you when I think this thing falls apart. And you're welcome to come visit me. Like whatever your ground rules would be, your boundaries would be. But I guess the second part is I want you to frame this as, or you can do what you want, but in my head,

the framing is at versus with. Or as my friend Jefferson Fisher says, don't try to win the exchange. Instead, I want to understand, I want to sit with you. I want to make sure I tell the truth so that I fully show up here and Like you said I'm gonna be with you. We're gonna come to the wedding. I'm not gonna abandon you. I'm gonna walk away or whatever Right, but I do love you enough to sit with you and say this doesn't look good, man

Yeah, we're we're trying to communicate I guess to him that Yeah, we're trying to communicate, I guess, to him that, you know, he puts so much value into these marriages, whereas the second relationship fails, he spirals into this depression, he talks about suicide. Sure. Has he ever gone into like an inpatient? Not to that point. He's seen psychologists on a regular basis from what my parents have told me. And he's told me a little bit about it.

I think it's been a while since he's had regular visits. But I think our big thing is trying to see that, he needs to be happy by himself. And once he's happy being alone, then he can be happy with somebody else. He suffers from chronic pain from an injury that he had. And he constantly focuses on finding these women who are super successful

that financially can kind of take care of him. Even though he works, it's more entry-level work that he does. And so- So here's the thing. He's found a solution that actually works, especially in the short term. And so he's always in pain.

We know that being with a loved one relieves that a little bit. Even if you have to conjure up a loved one, he seeks people who've got resources and when he doesn't have those resources, he goes to his parents who provide those exact same resources. So I guess what I would, the convincing that has to be done is a season of more pain and more discomfort is actually better for you in the long run. Okay. And that can be hard. You know what I'm saying?

That can be hard to see because he's got a solution that works. It's the same as sitting down with somebody who struggles with alcohol alcohol works man. Alcohol is a solution until it kills you And similarly he'll run into something that you know, I mean, what does he actually lost? He doesn't bring anything financially these relationships He's not losing anything other than a couple of months of his life when he hits rock bottom again and then his parents are there to bail him out at 40. And so it just kind of stays in this loop. Yeah, now that makes sense.

And I guess my challenge to you would be yes, if I'm you, I'm having this conversation. That's just my nature. Everyone around me who is in my family and my friends, they know I would have this conversation. I would just, I kind of speak my mind a lot. And some of my friends and family like that, some get mad and hang up and don't talk to me for a few weeks and good for them. They're, they're, I totally honor that. But I think it's coming up with what's the goal of this interaction. Is it to delay a marriage? Is it to get him into therapy? Because if it's getting him into a long-term,

like let's actually get to the root of some of this depression, then you and your mom and dad and your sister, y'all come up with a plan for a 30 day or 60 day inpatient intensive. And it's gonna be expensive. And if your parents have resources or y'all have got resources, y'all can pool sit down and say here's another path

We've already we've already cleared the the road for you if you want to go do this and we all love you enough And think this would be good Okay, and But again getting to that goal if the goal is just to stop the wedding for a while you can throw a grade in it and do that If the goal is just to stop the wedding for a while, you can throw a grenade in it and do that. It'll just pop back up in June, right? Right. Right.

And so I think it's asking yourself, what's the goal? And then I know this can be prohibitive, especially cost prohibitive, time prohibitive, but I always think these conversations are better had in person. They can take place on the phone, of course, but there's something about communicating. Here's how important this is to me I'm gonna flat look you in the eye Yeah, and that's tough. Yeah, I know but I would like to say this. Thanks for being a brother that still loves his brother Yeah, yeah, no, of course and and he's a great person. He's always here for us, you know, he's always offered to help his

Really good, you know conversations with him and and we want to be there for him. But obviously there's this blind spot that he just can't see that we try talking a little bit out and pretty passively. And I'm just wondering, okay, if we go too aggressive, does it spiral him even more into depression or like you said, hurt now for long-term happiness, which I think is the right solution. And I guess the one thing I would challenge, I can almost guarantee you he kind of knows too. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure he does.

I don't know many people that struggle with alcohol that don't know that next drink's not great, but they don't have another tool in the toolkit. Yeah. And if he's a compassionate, like smart guy who struggles with chronic pain, he knows how bad it hurt the first two marriages that broke up and probably the serious girlfriends he tried to make super serious in between those marriages. Like, he knows.

He just doesn't have another chord to play other than the chord he only knows. And so every song sounds the same. And so until he gets some professional care, and at 40, it's gonna be, he's gonna have to unplug himself from the world he knows and go sit with somebody. Yeah. And there's some really extraordinary resources out there

for inpatient treatments, but he's gonna have to learn some new chords so he can play some different songs. That's just hard, man. But we live in a culture, man, where family writes off family more than ever. Just write them off. And so it always is something I want to make sure I just double click on and tell you I

honor you for still loving your brother and for looking down the road a little bit, even when he can't or when he just chooses not to, and saying, oh, we've seen this story play out before. We're going to be there for you. So thanks for loving him, my brother. Appreciate you, man. Hope the conversation goes well. We'll be right back. Can I just tell you, I love Organifi. I love them. But I also get that some folks are skeptical about whole food powders. Are they really worth it? I get it. So if any of you are still on the fence about green and red juice powders or Organifi in general, or you just want a simple way to try Organifi out,

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and everything else on their site today. All right, we are back again on the heels of a pretty amazing money marriage thing. Hey, I didn't say this. I haven't said this. I should have. Kelly, you're kind of famous now. We have some amazing listeners. We really do. We had people come from New Zealand. We

had people come from Canada, all over the planet to this thing. And my favorite was the guy on Thursday that came in and he said, he asked me to come out for me to come out and to get a picture. And then he said he was going to print it out and have you sign it. But that was pretty fantastic. Well, I didn't. Ha. Just kidding. Well, you have a signed picture of me at your house, which is, I still think it's weird, but you can do you do. All right. Here's the money in marriage question. One of the questions that came up at the event, written on a note card, anonymous question. How do I stop keeping score and holding that score against my spouse?

I think about all the tasks I do in a week or a day and compare it to all the tasks he doesn't do. And it makes me feel resentful. For context, we have a toddler and a new baby and my husband works weird and inconsistent hours. Keeping score, I like to think of keeping score as a way to relieve pressure. So if you think of like a jar and the lid is shut

and there's boiling water inside that gas, it's really, it will eventually explode. Keeping score is a way to go slowly relieve a little bit of that pressure, the best thing to do is take the lid off the jar. And initially when you take the lid off the jar, there will be hot scalding water spilled places. And what I mean by taking the lid off the jar, actually sitting down and saying,

okay, we have a new baby and a toddler. I've been doing X, Y and Z for this many months. Here's how I'm experiencing this. Will you tell me how you're experiencing it? Or I guess to say it in a cheesy way, but in an honest way, connection is the way to do away with keeping score. When both people feel like they're on the same team, and when both people feel like they're working towards the same goals,

then the only score that matters is our score, not my score. But when I start to feel like it's me versus you, you're doing this or I have to do this because you get to do that, that's when you get a problem. So we have to have regular contact points. That's why I always recommend people get together

once a week for breakfast, for long walks, for 30 minutes on a Sunday night to go over the calendar, to go over what some meals going to be this week, to go over your budget, to go over, put sex on the calendar, especially when you got a toddler and a new, like just everything's chaotic. But to say, Hey, how we doing? I feel like I'm carrying a little the lion's share here. And I feel like your work isn't what it once was. I need some help.

Or instead of saying the you, I just did that wrong, instead of saying you and you and you, I need some additional help around here and I know you're working really hard at work and your hours all over the place and I need some help. So that might be hiring a fifth grader to come in and just keep the toddler busy while I'm in the house and I can do some things that might mean hiring a nanny part-time or if you're like 99% of the world can't afford a nanny so it might be that hey husband when you're working inconsistent hours we're all gonna be tired so when you're not

working I need you here to help with X Y & Z can you take the diapers can you do this can you get the bottles clean Whatever the things are that you need help with. Just think of keeping score as an indicator that I need to relieve some of this pressure. And the way to relieve pressure as a married couple is to be honest and put on the table. Take the lid off. Hope that helps. I know I made that sound really easy and it may be that you can't say what you need in your house. So you need to get a counselor, you need to call somebody. You may be that telling your spouse what you need,

they shut down or they get angry and it's just not safe. We got to wade through those choppy choppy scary waters. But ultimately, deep connection is the resolution for people who feel like they need to keep scoring. Thank you so much. Love you guys. Bye.