The Dr. John Delony Show - My Boyfriend Lives With His Ex-Girlfriend. I Have a Problem With This…

Episode Date: January 31, 2022

In today’s show, we’re talking to parents about when and how to share difficult (and awkward) topics with their kids, as well as a woman whose wild relationship situation sheds light on her past trauma. Divorced with kids and dating again. When should I introduce the kids to a new boyfriend? My wife and I have a messy origin story. Should we tell our kids? My boyfriend lives with his ex-girlfriend. I have a problem with this… Lyrics of the Day: "Extreme Ways" - Moby Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk about relationships and how to talk to kids about hard things. One of these calls in particular, a woman calls and asks, can I still be dating a guy who lives with his ex-girlfriend? Oh, gosh. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up, everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man. Happy New Year.

Happy February. Happy whatever it's, I don't know, happy marriage, life, work, good stuff. Is that right, Ben? That's right. That's so affirming, man. Thanks, dude. Hey, I hope you're doing well. Over the last few weeks, in ways I didn't expect,

I just want everybody to know, we sold out of these things one, two, three times, and now this is the fourth time. The conversation cards, we have them back in stock. If one of your New Year's resolutions was to connect more with your kids, to have different kinds of dates with your spouse or somebody you're dating, or to be more intentional

about being in touch with your grandparents, whatever. Dude, these cards, I'm all over the planet Earth. People are sending me pictures of how these things interacted with them. Kelly, you were telling me about something that you got the other day. What was this? Yeah, we got a really cool email from a listener

who said that she bought the ones, I guess, for the couples. And they did them one night and everything was great. And she found out something she didn't know, which was what was his favorite cereal as a child. She's like, oh, what was your favorite childhood cereal and why? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so the next time she went to the store,

she bought some of that cereal, and then she came home and she sent us a picture and told us how excited he was that they just sat at the table and ate Cinnamon Toast Crunch together and how it was awesome. Early morning. Oh, Chicka-wa-wa.

She left that part out, luckily. Yeah, maybe not, maybe not. Maybe not. But it all starts with Cinnamon Toast Crunch or whatever it is. What was your cereal growing up? Fruity Pebbles. What was yours, Ben? I think, like, Trix. Trix?

Yeah. God, I was so lame. Good for kids. I was like Cracklin' O'Bran or something. Or, yeah, that's disgusting, actually. Maybe that explains a lot of my digestive issues this many years later. But, dude, I love me some Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I love old cereals. That's awesome.

Well, hey, you can go to JohnDoling.com and get these cards. They're not expensive, man. And really, some of them are cheesy, some of them are deep, some of them are lame, some of them are cheesy some of them are deep some of them are lame some of them are funny but just good ways you know my wife was talking about how it gives everybody an opportunity to take turns and sometimes when you get people together whether it's one domineering partner in a dating relationship or you're out with a few people at dinner and there's just that one idiot it's usually me they just won't shut up keeps talking talking talking and these are a good way to teach everybody to take turns around a table which is at dinner, and there's just that one idiot, it's usually me, that just won't shut up, keeps talking, talking, talking. And these are a good way to teach everybody to take turns around a table, which is awesome.

Anyway, check them out. Let's go to Elizabeth and Michael in Twin Cities, Minnesota. What's up, guys? Hello. Hello. What's happening? Oh, well, it's finally above zero.

I was going to say, how, it's finally above zero. I was going to say, how cold is it there? One. Is it so cold? No, it's more like four today. Four degrees. That's unconscionable. And it's been negative for a while? Yeah.

As a kid who grew up in Texas, that just seems like, I know the whole story about hell is it's hot. I can't imagine living in a place where it was negative. That seems like hell to me. Is it not? You get used to it. I guess you just kind of get used to it. It's a dry cold.

I don't know whatever they say, right? Golly. All right, so what's up with you two? How can I help? Well, we've just recently started dating, and we're in a space where I have kids from a prime marriage, two young kids, five and nine, and she does not. So we're coming into this from different places, for me, the kids and what's best for them

is super important. And I kind of feel like when we talk about this, we're both a little clueless on how to proceed. I feel like my kids have had enough trauma in their lives from the separation with their mom. And I want to do what's best for them, but I don't really know how to navigate that. And I know that you speak for yourself.

And I know that you're coming from your own space. Yeah. I'd love to hear your side of this, Elizabeth. Um, so we've been dating for a while. How long has it been? A while.

Um, about five months now. Okay. Um, and like him, I'm clueless. Um, really want to do things the right way and set kind of, you know, have a relationship that can be a model for a healthy adult relationship.

But don't know what that looks like or where to start. And I don't have kids. So, you know, dogs and cats are much easier. Dude, somebody bought me a mug, Brad. Bought me a mug and just says cat dad on it. It's incredible. Not a thing, Elizabeth. Not a thing.

So first I want to applaud both of you for wanting to do this thing right on behalf of these two little ones. Most times I'm talking to folks, there's a selfishness there that they just need to figure out themselves because I got to be me and blah, blah, blah. And you two sound like you are really thoughtful human beings. And so I want to applaud you for that. That's awesome. Okay. So we can get into this a little bit, but I'm going to ask some awkward questions that y'all may not be ready to answer in front of a couple of million people. Is that cool? And so y'all, not be ready to answer in front of a couple million people. Is that cool? That's fine. And so y'all, the two of you, I'll frame these questions as things you can answer now or later. And you can just feel free to say later.

And y'all can talk about this on your own. Is that cool? Okay. All right. So, Michael, you mentioned that their kids were traumatized by previous mom. Does previous mom believe this? Would she be telling me, if she called my show, would she be telling me that their dad's nuts and whatever? Or is there some clear, you know, challenges with mom? There's some clear challenges with mom.

She has diagnosed mental health issues to a certain extent. Okay. Do the kids have contact with her? They do. that she has diagnosed mental health issues to a certain extent. Okay. Do the kids have contact with her? They do. I mean, I don't want her to sound like an absolutely crazy person. She is not. But she does have some mental health challenges.

Sure. But she also wants the best for the kids. But let's just say it ended up with a lot of trauma that was inflicted on the kids. Sure. There you go. And then how long have you been separate from her? Separated from her? Two and a half, almost three years now. Okay, okay.

So three years. Has she started dating again? No. Do you two, have y'all talked about this? Have y'all had this conversation? Here's how we're going to approach this If one of us starts dating Or here's how we're going to decide

Who else is around our kids Have y'all had that conversation or is that a no-go? With the kid's mom? No Yeah And that's also a non-starter There is no communication between us Okay, so that conversation would never happen.

Okay, all right. And Elizabeth, tell me what you think about this Michael guy. How'd you meet him? Online. He's pretty great. Yeah? Takes care of kind of everyone in his life.

Funny, smart, responsible, cute. I was going to say, is he handsome? All right, good. Uh, what,

what, uh, very gross, gross. Um, what, what is it about him and these two little ones that makes you think I want to get deeper into their world?

He's incredible. And from everything I've seen about the two girls, they're pretty incredible too. I really want a family and I could see a really amazing, kind of joyful building life future there. Okay. So here's kind of the global rules, if you will. There's not really rules, I guess, but the global recommended practices are whenever you get divorced, whenever you get separated, and this is different than if somebody passes away, wait at least a year, right? So you've done that. It creates some space between

this and that. The second thing that I think is important for everybody to understand is sometimes these kids will feel like they are having to choose sides. And so there may be moments where, Elizabeth, if they're nice to you, they will feel like they're betraying their mom. Even if their mom is totally supportive and wonderful and is like, no, daddy's, this is, she's a great, you know, this daddy's new girlfriend, Elizabeth is awesome. That we put these kids in this situation. So you're going to have to go into this knowing that the things that a five-year-old and a nine-year-old say to me over the next one year, two years, 10 years are not going to be personal. It's going to be them working out which side am I on, which team am I on? Who do I love? Does that make sense? Yeah. And then the big challenge I have to you two

is this. Michael, tell me about Elizabeth. What makes Elizabeth worth getting back into this game that hurt you and your kids last time? I guess created your kids. There's that. Well, I mean, I don't even know

where to start. I mean mean she's just amazing she uh she she's she she represents a lot of things that i never but actually like i never had in my life a partner who is very level-headed um very focused very very supportive. The time we spend together, she is completely in sync with everything that we do. She works with me on pretty much anything that we want to do.

I don't know. I feel supported. I feel like I'm with an actual partner, not someone that I have to carry along. She looks amazing. Come on, Michael.

No, but seriously, I mean, I see like most of my life, I carry people along. And when I'm with someone that doesn't need to be carried and is willing to shoulder up with me,

that's a pretty different feeling. I've never quite felt that way before. So that's awesome. That's awesome. So the one hang-up I have with all of this is this, is the five-month number. And the question you all have to ask each other is this. We've known each other for five months. He's so cute. She

looks amazing. She's a great partner. He is caring and all these things. Is their legs beyond five months? And I changed my mind. I won't ask all that publicly. Y'all can answer that on your own. Make sure you, and this is, I'm talking to you, Michael. Make sure you are, see some legs on this thing before you introduce her to your daughters. And I would start with, this is daddy's new friend and go to, this is daddy's special friend. And that will take a period of weeks

and a period of months. And Elizabeth, you're gonna feel like you are being hedged at some point, or it's gonna feel like, it's gonna feel like you're dating a guy and he won't invite, he won't introduce you to his friends like at the bar. He's like, hey, I want you just to sit over here.

I'm gonna go talk to my buddies. And you're gonna be thinking, I wanna go meet your friends. Why are you hiding me? It's going to feel like that a little bit. And you are going to have to be really level-headed and really, um, you're going to have to get your needs met somewhere else. Does that make sense? Yep. And to be clear, when we're talking about this, it's pretty future looking. It's not like in the next month. Yeah, I got you. I got you. Um, but you are going to have to, you're going to want to do things because this is natural. I would, if I was you, I would want to do things that would

assure that these girls love me. I want to help them with their hair. I want to help them with school. I want to talk to them about deep things. I want to go shopping with them. And there's going to be some really careful baby steps into this where they invite you into these conversations. So you're going to be creating a world where they feel safe enough to come to you. But when you force them into, hey, I want to talk about this, or tell me who you have a crush on,

then bam, now you're forcing them, am I choosing her or my mom right does that make sense and that's gonna be hard hard hard and so frustrating so frustrating and then one day they'll they'll come to you and be like can you not gonna believe this this boy wants to kiss me or i found somebody at school i'm in love with whatever you're gonna talk about it's gonna be deep and you're gonna go to bed and you're gonna tell michael you'll be like oh my gosh they trust me it's gonna be so great and the next morning they're going to talk about, it's going to be deep. And you're going to go to bed and you're going to tell Michael, you can be like, oh my gosh, they trust me. It's going to be so great. And the next morning, they're not going to talk to you because they're going to feel

ashamed that they betrayed their mom, right? It's going to be this back and forth thing that happens. And Michael, they're going to want you to be happy because you sound like an amazing father. They're going to want you to be happy and lovely. And oh my, like, I can't believe dad is doing this. And who knows what mom's going to say, right? So it's just expecting that you're going to have a picture that this is all going to work out perfect. And it might in a long game, it's just going to be hard. And maybe none of this happens.

Maybe your daughters are amazing. They are just understanding. And they're like, dad, you deserve to be happy. And mom's a little, whoa. And like, we are really excited. And I've seen that before, too. So it's being honest, honest, honest, and making sure, hey, we're in this for the long haul. And then a slow, slow introduction.

Not, hey, this is dad's new girlfriend. She's moving in. Girls, y'all are going to be bunking up. Like, that would be traumatic. Yeah. Right? And y'all know that. Y'all know that. girls are going to be bunking up because like that would be traumatic. Yeah. Right. And y'all know that y'all know that. Michael.

So is Elizabeth it? I'm sorry. Could you say it again? Is Elizabeth it? I'm making it weird now. I'm so excited. Even Kelly looked up and she's like, do what?

Liz is it? Oh, gross. Liz is, hey, y'all get married here in the studio. That'd be so great. Let's figure that out. But yeah, hey, I'm fully in support of y'all having this conversation. For those listening, the broader conversation,

you got to wait some time. You can't get a divorce and then start dating somebody a month later and introduce them to your kids as, hey, this is daddy's boyfriend or this is daddy's girlfriend or this is whatever. You can't do that. You got to give these kids some space because it uproots everything in their life. The second thing is, by the way, not a new mommy either, Elizabeth.

Not a new mommy. They've got a mom, right? And unless there's somebody passes, I mean, they don't have a mommy. Understand that kids may view friendship or connection or like, I'm gonna start calling you mom. They're going to have this betrayal feeling that's going to be deep, deep, deep. And oh, my gosh, wait until there's a level of commitment till I think this is serious. Because then the girls will feel a sense of trust and okay, we're going to trust again. And then if y'all break up, man, now they're back into, well, we lost somebody else that we could lean into and trust. And now it's just us and dad and dad sounds great, but man, that's hard on kids,

hard on kids, hard on kids. And I recognize moms and dads. That's not fair. These are, none of this is fair. These are your kids. And they always, always, always come first. Their trauma comes first. Let me put it that way. I think we over put our kids first on a lot of other things, but when it comes to relationships, their safety and their trauma, especially that they experienced in divorce comes first before your need to let's go out to the club. Stop. Take care of your kids. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Aloni show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it.

I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves.

If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey, and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off

your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to Tim, also in Minnesota.

What's up, Tim? How we doing, man? Hey, Dr. John. How are you? Good. What's going on, man? Not too much, man? Hey, Dr. John. How are you? Good. What's going on, man? Not too much, man. So I just was looking for some clarity here.

I know you always say don't lie to your kids. I'm just wondering where. Hold on. Just starting it with this makes this my favorite call of the year so far. So I know you say don't lie to my kids, but this is going to be good. So what is it? So me and my wife are just wondering

where we draw that line at as... Oh, you're hem-hawing, brother. Just get it. What'd you do? We were both in a relationship when we met and my oldest daughter was conceived. Ayo! There it is.

Were y'all married? No, no. Okay. So y'all were just dating other people and then... Yeah. Some say love. And then all she wrote. And then your daughter was like, ayo.

And so are y'all married now? Yes, we are. Okay. How are things? They're good. They're good. Have y'all cheated on each other since then? I'm sorry?

Have y'all cheated on each other since then? There has been some infidelity. God almighty, quit! Y'all are a bunch of cheaters. Why? That's a good question. Oh, it wasn't you? It's been both of us.

Oh, my God. Quit cheating. All right. What's your question? That's a whole other call. Oh, well, we just... What do we tell our daughter as far as, you know,

how we met and what happened there? I mean, how much is too much for her? How old is she? Right now she's five, so we got some time. No, I think you tell her everything today. I think you tell her that mom and dad

are a bunch of cheaters. No, don't tell her that. Good gosh. Alright. Okay, big picture. Stop cheating. Both of you. Quit. Stop. Quit. Stop. Yeah. Right? Quit.

Yep. Quit. What have you done to make sure this never happens again? Like, what have you done? What have I done? Yes. In your life so that you never cheat again. Because this is your second relationship that you've done this in a row, and it's not your first either.

Yeah. Not cheated anymore. No, no, no, no. It doesn't start there. What have you done? Have you got rid of all the social media apps? You never going to go on lunches with a female coworker ever again?

Like, what roadblocks have you put in front of yourself to keep this from happening again? I mean, we haven't deleted all social media, but we have limited what we use. I don't particularly have any female coworkers. Okay. All right, so here's the thing. Number one, y'all got to get in a room and figure this out

because you'll be having this conversation in divorce court with your daughter, and it's going to be a mess. Don't do that to her, okay? Yep. The second thing is this. The honesty rule, even though you asked that question so great, so good, man. So I know you say never lie. Yes, you still don't lie, but don't overshare to make yourself feel better.

Okay. And a lot of parents have this sense of guilt. Hey, we had this kid out of wedlock, or we were both married to somebody else, and then we hooked up and got pregnant, and now this kid. And it feels like I've got to atone for all my sins with this kid. I'm going to dump all my crap onto this child just so I can, there's no, don't do that to a kid. That's too much, right?

That's this toxic oversharing world we live in now. So I think you're honest for a long, long time and you tell them what they, what she wants to know when she asks questions. So for instance, what's your origin story? How'd you meet? She doesn't have to know y'all were dating other people. She just knows how you met. How'd y'all meet?

Through an online app. Oh, my gosh. That's so great. What was it? What was the app? To be honest with you, I don't remember. It's been years now. Your other girlfriend, I bet she's so incredible

I bet she loves this So yeah You met on the internet Just like millions and millions of other couples have And we went to I don't know We went somewhere And then we had you

I think that's where you have that conversation. As your kid gets older, you can be more honest, but dude, I really recommend answering questions only that your kid asks. There may come a day when your kid is 18 or 22 or 30 and y'all are out and you want to have a

conversation conversation, that's cool, but that's less, that's more about them getting to know their origin story and less about dad trying to make himself feel better or mom trying to make herself feel better that probably what's going to happen is she's going to be in high school and somebody's going to cheat on her and she's going to be devastated by it and she's going to say you don't know what this is like you don't know me you don't know what's happening and you're going to say, you don't know what this is like. You don't know me. You don't know what's happening. And you're going to say, I got a story for you.

And that's when you can connect empathetically with your daughter. You can say, hey, our stories are more similar than you think. But don't ever, ever, ever lie. Okay. My friend Rachel says, share, don't scare, right? The thing you don't want to communicate to your kid is, yeah, this could happen anytime again. Anytime. And by the way, we're still cheating. Even though, even since you've been born, we're still cheating.

We're just a couple of cheaters. Like that's, what's going to freak your kid out and give her an, uh, she's going to not have a stable foundation to build her, her esteem off of her support networks, her relationships off of, if she thinks at any moment, one of these two are going to go again and create another family somewhere else. That's what you want to avoid, right? Okay. So have you had that conversation? Like, how does this go with you and your wife?

I'm not sure what you're asking. When y'all discuss, like, what do we think we should do? I'm interested in y'all's answers. We've always just said we met online. That's what we would say when the time comes. That's 100% accurate, 100% fair.

Okay. You don't have to tell them that mom and dad weren't great people. And Tim, quit cheating! Understood. You promise? In front of America? In front of all 17 listeners. There's 19 now, sucker.

We picked up two over the holidays. It was awesome. It was a big weekend. We had a big weekend. That's right. Why is she cheating on you? I don't know. You know. You know, Tim. I think I was working more than she liked with having a new baby at home, and maybe it was just another source of attention.

Did you ever go to marriage counseling? We haven't. Okay. we haven't okay so I want y'all to make that a A1 priority because I don't think it is I think y'all are white knuckling your way through it right now and your need for attention or your inability to give each other care or to even

say here's what I need from you and I can provide that or I can't provide y'all need to go learn some language and some tools. Okay. Your daughter's worth that. Y'all two are worth that. You, my brother, are worth that. And the answer you gave isn't the reason she would cheat.

And, but I, I want y'all to get into a room and say, all right, we are actually in a good place right now. We're not on life support. We're not trying to deal with somebody else cheated, somebody else did something. Things are good. We want to cheat-proof this marriage. We want to create an environment

where that never, ever, ever happens again. And let's start from square one. And if y'all do that, you can build something extraordinary and strong that will last forever. Yes. If you don't, you're going to be calling me back in a few months or a few years, and we're going to be having a whole different conversation.

And I don't want that for you, and I don't want that for that sweet little girl. Yes. Is that cool? Yeah, absolutely. Awesome. Commit to that, brother. You're worth that. Your wife's worth that.

And man, that beautiful, beautiful little girl's worth that. Whoo! Don't cheat and don't lie to your kids. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Delaney Show. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change,

and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage.

Churchill is a Ramsey-trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their Home Buyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill-certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back, Jack. Let's go to Lisa in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. What's up, Lisa? Hey, how are you?

I'm so good. How are you? Good. I have a little bit of drama to share with you. Oh, sweet. Hey, the last caller was with somebody, and his wife was with somebody, and then they hooked up and had a kid, so you got to beat that. Go. Yeah, hopefully it's not as bad, but I don't know.

So my boyfriend is 36 years old and he still lives with a roommate, but his roommate is his ex. And I'm wondering how do I move forward with him? You may have just won. This is awesome. You may have just, you may have just defeated the last caller, Lisa. So you were dating a guy who's 38. How long have you been together? So we've only been together for six months. And do you love him?

I do love him. Gross. Okay, so you love him. And there's just one little hang-up. He lives with his ex-girlfriend still. Yeah. Why? Why does he do that?

Why are you putting up with that? Well, okay, so they've been together, like, living together for years now, like seven years. And they're friends. He says they're just friends. He thinks of her as just one of the guys. That he can have sex with. But she has a boyfriend. Who cares?

Oh my gosh. I want you to listen to the last call. Uh-huh. And then you can come back to him and just put yourself right back into this call just now. There's a hundred percent chance they're hooking up. A hundred. Okay.

A thousand percent chance. And even if they weren't, the toxicity around this is so disturbing. And what's most disturbing to me is that you have settled for this. How old are you? I'm 29. Why?

Why has this been where you think you? I'm 29. Why? Why has this been where you think this is the best I can do? I guess the problem is I should tell you that I have borderline personality disorder. And I have PTSD. So I just feel like I can't trust my intuition anymore. I don't know

if they're hooking up or they're not. I'm constantly fighting myself on if they're not. And I'm seeing a therapist. Good. A good. And she says that the roommate's just there. You should find a new therapist, number one.

Number two, this isn't about what they're doing, okay? I did that for some theater because we're on the radio. What matters here is you think that you're defective or broken borderline personality disorder is hard right you know that you feel a lot right you feel deeper than most people most of the time. And those feelings and emotions are they are powerful. Right? Yeah.

Tell me about your trauma. It's sexual assault. I'm going to start to cry. It's still really close to the surface for you, right? Yeah.

It was a boyfriend who did it to me. I'm so, so sorry. So sorry. Often when I hear the situation about the drama, you and life circumstances, and by the way, that kind of trauma changes your brain. It changes your shame cycle. It changes how you see yourself and your self-worth and your value. You and I have never met. And if you would hear, I wouldn't say anything for the next five minutes. I would ask your permission if I could just give you a hug.

And if you said yes, I would hug you for five minutes without saying a word. Because I don't know if you can remember a time when somebody was with you without wanting something from you, without wanting sex, without wanting connection, without wanting, needing you to go do a thing for me, that someone was just with you because of you. Do you remember that last time? It's probably been a while, right? It's been like seven years.

There you go. And I want you to know that you're worth just being with. And that trauma's real close to the top. And my guess is, if you were honest, you and I talked for a while, there's probably some even more trauma back from when you were younger. Is that fair? Yeah. Okay.

I want you to heal from that trauma before you get into another dating relationship because you're going to find yourself dating some guy that still lives with his ex-girlfriend and says, no, dude, everything's cool. And you're going to make yourself bananas because you know it's not right. Not that it's not right in the moral sense. It's not right from a value sense. You're worth more than that. And you know that he doesn't look at you directly.

And he'll say all the right things because, man, he's got a great gig going. But it's not about that. It's about you. Yeah. And if you have a therapist that says, no, that's cool, man. Just keep loving him. Dude, I got a real problem with that. Because that's cool, man. Just keep loving him. Dude, I got a real problem with that. Because that's about value.

Yeah, that's true. And when I tried to talk to him about, like, I was accusing him of, that's something that we do with BPD sometimes. Like, we'll have, we'll be so afraid of being alone. And, like, we'll start these fights. And then, like, I accused him of, like like sleeping with her, even if it wasn't right. And then he got so mad that he broke his hand on the bar. Well, he had a bar in his basement and he just broke his hand over it.

And I just felt like that was kind of an overreaction. You're correct. Anytime somebody punches something because they're so mad means they're acting like a of an overreaction. You're correct. You're correct. Anytime somebody punches something because they're so mad means they're acting like a child. My child does that because they're a child. Adults don't do that. Adults have self-control and they have

discipline and they know when to walk away. They don't punch holes in stuff. They don't break their hands on walls and so all of this stemming from somebody whose body who's not safe in their own body

and they're looking for somebody else to help them be safe in that desperation I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone and my feelings are going going going, going, going, going. Man, that chaos. Borderline is hard. Borderline is hard, hard, hard, hard, hard.

But there is healing from it. It does take a while, but there's healing. But you got to really, really put in the work. Right? Yeah. Are you worth it? I'm worth it. I guess I should just be alone right now.

Here's the thing. I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm going to tell you you're worth more than dating a guy who lives with his ex-girlfriend. Yeah. More than that, you're worth dating a guy that you don't think is cheating on you all the time. Even if he's not, dude may be incredible. Dude may be stuck in a lease and whatever. Probably not, but he may be incredible. And it's making you insane because of the living arrangements. Yeah. And if he won't move, then he's saying, I like my living arrangements more than your well-being.

And he's allowed to do that. But you need to hear that for what it is, an exit building left. He talked about, like, maybe we can rent a house together instead, but he still wants to keep her as a tenant. And I just feel like that's equivalent of him saying, like, I still want to keep her. I want to keep her somehow. I mean, it doesn't sound right. Who do you have in your life besides him that you can sit down and talk about this? I'm talking about this with my mom.

Not your mom. Because there's going to be some other stuff there with that. And you know that, right? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Basically, my best friend who is that um she's getting married um soon her name is adrian do you feel a sense of loss that she's getting married um a little bit yeah so in that you're gonnan that because she's going to be signing up to have somebody else as her number one, right? And that's good, but that's going to be hard for you.

And that may send off your BPD alarms, right? Continue to love her through that, okay? And that can be hard, hard, hard. I know it's gonna be hard and find a counselor that you can work with and say, here's what I've been told. I have diagnostically, and I want to heal from this.

And whether it's DBT, there's some, there's some really good stuff out there. That, that you can get involved with that can help with borderline. It does take a while, but you can help. More importantly, I want you to heal from your trauma, okay? I want you to get with a good trauma counselor in your area

and say, I want to heal from the sexual assault. Not that the sexual assault is ever going to go away, but you will get to a place in healing where your body won't respond to every connection moment as though we're about to be re-traumatized it can learn to love again and be still you can feel safe in your own body okay that'd be really nice that's what yeah right wouldn't it you know what you'll be able to do it's so great you can just go go home from wherever you are and just lay down and just go to sleep can you imagine that that would be really nice and you lay down and you just go to sleep. Can you imagine that?

That would be really nice. And you have no interest, you don't smoke weed just to get through a day. You don't have to have 18 milligrams of, I mean, 18 milligrams, 180 milligrams of caffeine just to get out of bed in the morning. It's a peaceful, and you need to hear me say, Lisa, you're worth that healing. This guy might be it for you. It might be. But right now, that guy's a major trigger for you. Yeah.

And I don't, I'm not a fan of anybody dating anybody seriously who still lives with his ex-girlfriend. That's a maturity issue. That's a priorities issue. You're worth more than that, Lisa. I'm not telling you to go break up. I'm just telling you, whoa. And therapists who are listening to this show,

for God's sake, I know the cool thing is to be like, whatever you feel is best for you, stop. At some point, follow what Terry Reels said. At some point, therapist, you got to get involved and you have to say you're worth more than that. I think you are devaluing yourself through this relationship or by putting up with this type of gaslighting or abuse or whatever the thing is. Have some courage, therapist, to say that's not a good idea. I know that's not the cool thing

and you just got to do your own thing and find out for you. At some point, you got to take sides. You got to help out. Be a therapist who cares enough to say, uh-uh, that's not smart. That's not serving you well. Every time you come in here,

you sound more hurt than the last time you were here. And all the hurt seems to be directed at this one person. Is this wise? Please, please get involved. than the last time you were here. And all the hurt seems to be directed at this one person. Is this wise? Please, please get involved. All right, let's wrap up today's show. Let's go to the lyrics of the day. I have not listened to these lyrics.

I don't know this song. But again, my friend, Armando sent me this song and said, this is for your show. So Armando, here we go, my brother. Song, oh, Jesus, by Moby. You love Moby, huh, James? I don't love Moby, but this song is at the end credits of all the Bourne movies.

And so with as much drama as this show has had, it kind of fits. It actually does. And dude, you're like a get-off-the-grid guy. Like, Bourne's kind of awesome. Born is like the poster child for... That's so cool. Man. All right, so the song by Moby. I like that.

What was that one record Moby did? The original one. I liked that record. And I know it's not cool to say, but I thought it was a great record. I haven't listened to a single thing since, but maybe I'll give Moby a shot. I'll go out to the used CD store and get a bunch of Moby records. All right, so it's called Extreme Ways

off the Bourne soundtrack, and it goes like this. Extreme ways are back again. Extreme places I don't know. I broke everything new again, everything that I owned. I threw it out the windows, came along.

Extreme ways I know will part. The colors of my sea perfect colored me. Extreme ways that helped me, they helped me out late at night, extreme places I'd gone that never see any light, dirty basements, dirty noise, dirty places coming through, extreme worlds alone. If you ever like it then, I have no idea what the song is about, but it sounds just like this show. We'll see you soon. Take care.