The Dr. John Delony Show - My Boyfriend Won't Let Me Meet His Kids

Episode Date: January 24, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: - A woman wondering why her boyfriend won’t let her meet his kids - A man wondering how to develop real friendships - How strategic planning with your spouse can improve your marriage To see the annual planning document that John mentioned. Click here. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: -BetterHelp -Hallow -Organifi -Eight Sleep -Apollo Neuro -Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. So I've been dating a guy almost six years. He has not let me be a part of his children's lives. He will not let me be around them. We live separately, and he's letting me move in the day after they graduate, saying that if his children want to be a part of my life, they can make that decision as adults. This whole thing sounds weird.

What is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. What some, meaning my 13-year-old son and my mom, would call the greatest mental health podcast ever. Talk about marriage relationships. Dude, James Childs was just in here and he just left. He can't even hang anymore. The OG producer here that got this show here's the deal. He James built the sidewalk. There he is sticking

his head back in. He put the tires on the car and then he put the car on the road and then he's like, you know what? I quit. I'm out. I'm going to a cooler, more established car. Yeah, he's like, I don't like this piece of junk anymore.

And it was driving. The car was already moving. And he's just like, eh, Kelly, you drive. And now we're worldwide, Jimmy Childs. Just kidding. Hey, it's great to see you, man. I miss you. My heart feels good.

Kelly is way meaner than you. Hey, it's great to see you man. I miss you. My heart feels good Kelly is way meaner than you Way way But hey, uh, that's sorry. You probably edited all that out. Hey, it's good to see Everybody and um, if you're listening to me, you're like I can't even see you Well, I can't see you either, but i'm glad that you are here with us in the new year um, I want to Take a second and tell you this So, um my wife's favorite person

on planet earth, as she likes to tell people, is January John. That one month right after New Year's, when I come back, guns a blazing. I've changed my diet, my workout. I'm so kind and helpful and loving. And I focus on sleep. Who wants to watch a TV show? What a waste of time. Let's extract every second of life. March. John's not too great. He's not too great. Um, but I was really slow on the uptake this year. And, um, you're listening to this at the end of January. Most of y'all statistically have quit all of your resolutions. Resolutions and goals. You're just not doing it.

Yeah, resolutions and goals. I'm getting there. My head's a little bit slow today. Today? I mean, often. It's cool. But I'm recording this just after the new year started. I went bananas.

So I'm just saying that to say this, my body is in a state of utter revolt. Like we're on like day five with no sugar. We're on day five of not just one, not just two, but like three workouts a day. Like I just went over too far. I just want to see how hard I could push it.

And my body's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. We had a deal and you have violated the agreement, John. So, dude, we are in war within ourselves. So she's not digging this January John so much.

Well, this January John's just kind of going ugh. Yeah, and I've never met the January John that you speak of. No, you haven't. No. No. It'd be nice. I know it would be. Oh, well. It always comes into work. I gotta have gold. He gets sad, Kelly.

Dreams. He gets joy, joyvacuuming.com.net, Kelly. So, but just wait, everybody. He's going to be here. But hey, I hope y'all are doing well. I hope y'all are hanging in there. Let's go out to Tallahassee, Florida and talk to Mary, Mary Wyatt. What's up, Mary?

Oh, not much, not much. Are you doing all right? Yeah, I'm doing okay, I reckon. Very cool. So what's up? So I've been dating a guy almost six years and since his children were 12 and he has not let me be a part of his children's lives.

He would not let me be around them. And we live separately, and he's letting me move in the day after they graduate, don't want other mother figures to come into their children's lives and and you know be an influence in any way uh this whole thing sounds weird yeah it's it's caused quite a quite a big issue in our relationship because when he has his children i can't see him. So they're all- Is he hiding? This sounds like he's got something else going on. No, no, there's photos of us up around his home.

They know about us. I have photos of us together on Facebook. But when they go to family get togethers, I can't go if his children are there. Why? Have you ever met them? I had to meet them at a funeral because someone in his family close passed away. And of course he didn't want

me to go because his kids were going to go. And I said, I will drive my own car, but I'm going because your family's been part of my life now for almost six years. And they wanted me to go. And they, I was invited by his family and they said, we don't care what he says. You are welcome. Yeah. I would, i don't mean to be ugly or anything but i'd run from this dude as fast as i can here's why here's why here's why he is not living an integrated life meaning he is trying to live a life where he gets to control all the different segments of his life and by the way he's done a pretty good job because you've put up with this crap for six

years. Yeah. The only way a relationship, a romantic relationship long-term works is if everybody's all in. Now, I absolutely believe in slow playing new relationships when there's kids from a previous marriage. Totally believe in that.

Good for him. Six years in that. Good for him. Six years is insane. It's crazy. Yes. Because my children are around him and our kids are the same age. That doesn't mean anything. He comes to my house. No, but he comes to my house and eats with my family. What's his reasoning? Because that's normal. His only reasoning is that the kids can decide when they're grown, but that he will not be. And I'm like, hey, you know, we're getting close to the time of me moving in. Can I at least come over some and kind of get to know them? Because it's going to be awkward me just move in and these kids don't know me and I don't know them. And they're going to still be coming to visit you because they're still your children.

Why haven't you married him after more than half a decade? We haven't lived together. So? That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. I didn't live with my wife before we got married. Most of the people I know. Yeah, we don't live together because of the children situation. We live three miles from each other.

And it has caused me a lot of heartache. Why have you put up with this for six years? Because here's my promise to you. My promise to you. He's hiding other things from you too. Period. End of story. Yeah.

And there's other parts of his life that you do not have access to. Because he says no. And you just take it. Why? I don't know i guess because i'm getting older and kind of feel like you're just not worth it you're just going to cash in on some of like all of the relations i mean that just breaks my heart for you yeah it hurts just because i've i've stayed where i'm at as a single mom, paying my own bills, and I haven't moved on with my life

because I've been sitting here waiting on him all these years. I'm going to tell you right now, it's not going to happen. And by the way, if it does, you're a half a decade afterthought. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Trust me, it's caused many many many arguments

you have an argument for four years he wouldn't even answer the phone with me with the kids around yeah that's that why did he get divorced his ex was having an affair while he was on government duty. Okay. Yeah, I mean, do what you're going to do. I don't really know. Let me do this. What's your question?

How can I help? I just want to know if that was something that happened. I've never heard of it. I've sat with a lot of people over the years. I've never heard of this. I've never heard of six years. I won't answer the phone when you call if I happen to be with my kids i don't want you around you're not allowed to talk to them or meet them because here's the thing they do have a choice to make when they're adults 100 yeah they don't have a choice when they're kids why because they're kids right and it's the parents

job to integrate themselves, right? Carl Rogers, one of the great godfathers of therapy, of counseling, calls it congruence. Am I who I am everywhere? Am I the same person here as I am over here? And some of us have a work face and we have a relationship face and we have a church face and we have a going to the store face, right? And sometimes you see somebody and you're like, dude, I don't even know that guy. That is not who I, or you see somebody at work and you see them out at a restaurant

and they're just like on top of the table with two margarita pitches and you're like, what? That's a person that's exhausted because they have to be multiple people throughout their life. Yeah. And it's very hard to have a relationship with somebody who does not, is not aiming towards congru life. Yeah. And it's very hard to have a relationship with somebody who does not, is not aiming towards congruence. Yeah. It's, it's been difficult. And I guess the reason I haven't given up is because I've already put so much time in. In business, we call that a sunk

cost fallacy. I've already put $2 million in this. Well, your business is failing. Well, I know, but I've already put 2 million. So I got to put another million in this. Well, your business is failing. Well, I know, but I've already put $2 million, so I've got to put another million in. I know, but it's failing. It's not working. I've got to put another million in. It's just sunk cost fallacy. Bankers love you.

He just says things are going to be different. I'm going to move in, and things are going to be better, and this won't be an issue anymore. But I'm like, but what about the other six years that I sat alone on Christmas because my kids were at their dad's or I sat alone on Thanksgiving because I couldn't be with you and your family because you had your children. It's been really crappy. Yeah. I mean, I don't have an answer for you.

Other than that's going to have to be something you all address together. Yeah. And for him, he's not on the phone, so I can't talk to him. But for him, if he says, I told you at the outset, you can never meet my children until they're adults, period. Yep. End of story. That's what he said.

Yep, that's what he said. He said, I told you on the first date. Then here's the deal. All of this is on you. You chose to sit at home on Christmas. I'm not even going to blame him. Yeah, and that's what he said. He said, I told you the first date you stayed and of course my thinking was oh and he

finds out what kind of a good woman i am that i won't do him like he's been done he'll he'll change and i realized that you're the first woman in history that thought they could change a man right i know the first one no i know here's the thing. If he was my buddy, I would have said, I don't think that's wise, but I don't get a vote. He didn't call me and ask me.

So in that regard, he can do whatever he wants. You're the one that chose to stay. Yeah. His family thinks he's crazy. Well, it doesn't matter

what they think. It matters what you accept. You've outsourced. I'm still here. Okay. Then here's what I ask you to do make make do make peace with it move on because you moving into him into his house and not marrying him and basically becoming another one of his children by the way because he's going to continue to tell you what to do but you're going to move into his house if you bring with you these choices that you made to be alone at Christmas and at Thanksgiving, and you bring with you your

anger at him for not letting you meet his kids for six years, you're choosing to poison this part of your life. Right. He sounds like he was pretty damn upfront with you. He was. Yeah. He was. And you chose to stay. So I'm going to ask you to either put your anger on the table and say no more or to make peace with it. Yeah. Say I chose this. I'm going to move on. I have done that. I did say when I move in, I'm not going to be – I'm not a live-in girlfriend.

I'm wife material, and if you don't want to, you know. No, you're going to be playing house. You'll be playing house. He has a year. Yeah. Mary, when do you move in? May. You move in this May.

So he has until May of 25. Yes. I will give you 10 products from the Ramsey Solutions store if you're married by May of 26, of 25. Okay. I'll be sure I call you back. Oh, dude, you send an email in, you send us a copy of your wedding photos

I will I'll send you a link You can buy Get whatever you want out of here Here's why Yeah we're Why in the world Would he marry you?

I know right Like he's already got The whole farm The cows The chickens The ducks I don't think you're a cow Or a chicken or a duck

But I think you're A pretty awesome lady But he has no Why in the world Would he complicate his life like that? Yeah. For six years, you just put up with anything he

says, however he says it. I know. I know. I don't really have... I mean, I have a lot I could say, but it's... Right. It sounds not great, right? Yeah. So here's the deal. Um, now if he was my friend and he called me, I would have told him to do something different. He didn't

cool. He did. He said, he was going to say, and to his credit, he called it on day one. This is the way this is going to be. And so you made some challenging decisions that left you isolated and alone. And you thought you could change him. And you thought once, here's the biggest miss that you had here, was you thought this was about you. And somebody along the lines of your life told you that you weren't worth very much. Yeah, I grew up in foster care. Okay. And you were going to prove it to much. Yeah. I grew up in foster care. Okay.

And you were going to prove it to him. Yeah. And what you have to realize here is that you were left in foster care not because of anything you did. Yeah. It was what was going on in your parents' life. Yeah.

I just thought that it was me. Like, I might not get enough parents to my own children that you don't want your children around me. It was never about you. It was about him. And that should be both freeing and kind of a bummer.

Because if you're going to marry somebody, they're telling you, my life is now all about you. And you're telling them that their life is all about you. That's what we're doing when we get married well he says he's going to and hey you know what he's been a man of his word so far for the last half decade so that's true i mean he may he may he may invite you in on on may 1st and y'all are married june 10th and i'm out 10 products here at the store. Maybe that's the case. This is just a, it's a bigger conversation.

Here's the conversation. A, you can't change people. B, people make choices because they want to make choices. Period. Period. And finally, man, if somebody's choosing to hide parts of their life from you, it's very hard to have a romantic relationship that has any value. Other than this, then you're underwater and you're both just taking gulps of air out of one scuba diving tank.

When somebody in a marriage or a long relationship relationship y'all been playing married for a long time when somebody when y'all in a relationship and somebody's hiding things whether it's an addiction whether it's pornography whether it's an affair whether it's you can't see my kids you i won't even call you on christmas day because i'm with them so we've been together four years i don't care you do not exist on this day i'll call you later um all you're doing is just trading gulps of air you're not both sitting on the beach you're both underwater barely surviving here's my recommendation mary as you head into this new season by the way i don't think you should move in i think you should get married first. And that's just me.

You don't need a practice run. You've been together six years. You kind of know what you got. It sounds like he's a man of his word, that concrete. I would make a very firm list. Here's my boundaries. Here's what I will accept and no longer accept.

Period. End of story. And then you got to come up with your or what statement. If this doesn't change, then what? Then I'm out. Then I'm just going to take it. That's fine. Whatever your or what statement is,

you need to come up with it and be firm with it before you move in. Otherwise, you're just going to subject yourself to this indefinitely. To answer your original question, nope, never heard of this before. This one's a new one even for me. Love the show. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes, and if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to.

We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take

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Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. Hey, good folks, let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer

and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past,

it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your

faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice,

and here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself, and sometimes you do this with a group, and Halo helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to

hallow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we are back. Let's go to Dallas, Texas and talk to the great and wonderful Dean. Hey, brother Dean, what's up? Not much, Dr. John. How are you doing today? I'm all right, brother. What's up, man? How can I help?

Well, let's see. The problem statement would be this. I don't have anybody to talk to. Talk to me about it. What that really means is talk as in personal stuff, deep things, venting on somebody or something like that. So it kind of puts me in a situation of being pretty well isolated. Yeah.

Do you end up spending a lot of time online trying to find common bonds there? No, actually, I don't. Good for you, man. Good for you. Yeah, I don't think there's going to be a whole lot of common bond there. So have you always been kind of a Lone Ranger? Is this new that you found yourself? Did you recently move?

Tell me the story, how you came to realize, dude, I got nobody. Well, I left home about 50 years ago. All over the world, working, living. I lived about half my adult life been outside the country. I think I've had 37, 38 different addresses in my life. So yeah, move around. You know how it is when you go into a subdivision,

live there five, six years, you see all the neighbors, but you don't know any of their names. Yeah, yeah. How old are you, man? 66. 66. So why now? Why have you thought, man, I need some people?

Well, a little light bulb went off one day and, uh, uh, my wife and I were having a bit of a, um, a disagreement. And I got to thinking about it. I said, well, she's got her ladies group and they all go cover you up and do their thing and whatnot. And I don't have anybody to go talk to. I think I need to do something about that. Good for you, man. You're like a modern-day hero.

I'm not kidding. Here's why. Most 66-year-old men who have a disagreement with their wife and their wife goes off to their friends to have somebody they can just process it with, they just sit in their chair and they watch tv or they get on some crazy conspiratorial website and going on a rabbit hole or they go into the garage and tinker with something which is nothing wrong with tinkering but man recognizing dude i need somebody to talk to so here's the thing i've talked about this almost ad nauseum. I'm going to send you two of my books, okay, for free. I'm just going to hook you up with them if you'll read them.

And there's some pretty extensive stuff in both of them about both the epidemic of loneliness. It's just killing us, man, from the inside out. And some very practical steps on what to do. But I usually distill it down into a couple of things and I'll just ask you point blank. How weird are you willing to get? Define weird.

I have a neighbor. I live out in the woods and out in what they call in these parts out in the holler. I thought it was like a road in a valley, but it's not. It's a holler. And she literally got on a horse and went door to door.

Cause these places are all like multiple acres. And she held a big, uh, cookout and told everybody to bring a meal. And we met by the side of the road on a Creek. And it was the funnest, most hilarious. Somebody brought a guitar somebody brought their

kids my kids are running around all over the place um it was a group of randos from multi multi multi-millionaire attorneys to people who'd lived down in the holler for 50 years that had they were the retired farmers that had basically nothing i mean it was amazing but it took one person going door to door to door to door to do that. I've also heard of, I'm thinking back to during COVID when I had a neighbor come up and down and said, hey, I'm doing a barbecue. We're all going to sit outside in lawn chairs.

And the first one was kind of sparsely attended. He had meat out there on some tables, had some chairs out there. There was four or five of us down there. The next one had like 70 people out there. Cool. And so I don't know if it's you saying, want to hang out and have coffee and put a sign in your yard and you sit out in the front yard and have a card table out there and drink coffee until somebody comes and you can read a book. Or you go to a local Starbucks and buy somebody coffee, or you go to your local church and you

say, Hey, I want to have a group of guys that just get together and drink coffee on Tuesday mornings. Who's in? And you're going to have to know that it's just going to take time over and over and over of showing up and showing up and showing up and finally somebody's going to go, hey, man, my wife's not all right. See what I'm saying? Yeah.

Yeah. see what I'm saying yeah yeah but I don't know a way of you finding friends without A you going first and B being willing to endure rejection and just be weird

and I say it's weird it's not weird but in this modern world to say hello to a stranger is somewhat weird that's pretty weird yeah yeah or you instantly think what do you want are you trying to sell me something nope hello to a stranger is somewhat weird. It's pretty weird, yeah. Yeah.

Or you instantly think, what do you want? Are you trying to sell me something? Nope. I bet, you know what? I bet if you put a sign in your front yard that just said, lonely 66-year-old, I've got great coffee. Would love for you to hang out. And you put a car table in your driveway. I guarantee I'd pull over and stop and hang out with you.

I would call Kelly and tell her, I'm missing the today. Cause I'm hanging out with my new buddy Dean. I mean, I here's the thing. There's any number of opportunities here. I think the big thing is you got to take action on it. It's not just going to, it's not going to heal itself. Yeah.

Are you connected with a local church there? We go, I don't spend a lot of time there, but. Or a local civic group, or do you even have a counselor that you can talk to for a little while where you're kind of building this thing up that I don't have okay and uh you know so that was one of the things that I looked at is you know maybe maybe go down that route and find somebody to talk to you know but you know five years or once a week

is pretty pricey. I don't think insurance is going to cover that. Nah, and I don't think, I mean, from what you're telling me right here, I don't think you need five years and once a week. What a good counselor is going to do is they're going to practice with you the skill and art of conversation

and listening and being present with somebody. And those things are necessary for someone to come tell you some deep things or to listen when you tell them deep things that you're experiencing. Yeah. Right? So I don't think you're going to get stuck in a five-year loop. By the way, you can always just walk away. You don't have to go.

But on the way to the office today, I had someone who's a former colleague of mine who's in their late 50s, maybe early 60s, who reached out and I gave them the name of two therapists. I don't think that's weird at all. Cool. In fact, I just did that today to somebody I care about. So all that to say, I think it's just to take some action. And by the way, you probably need to learn some skills.

You've moved a lot, huh? Oh, I've moved a lot, yeah. You're a great acquaintance, but probably being a ride-or-die friend at 2 a.m. is pretty tough. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Okay. Dude, I'm proud of you, man. You give me hope. Well, thanks.

You give me hope, man. But, yeah, hang on the line here. I'm going to hook you up with both Own Your Past, Change Your Future, and Building a Non-Anxious Life. And there's some pretty clear directives on friendship and building friends and how we got to where we got and what we do to walk out of it. But at the end of the day, my friend Michael Easter, he's like, dude, I'm going to do my Burn the Ships workout once a week. If you're in Vegas, you're welcome to come.

I'm trying to get better About inviting people out with me Hey, I'm going rucking, if you want to come, let's do it I'd love to have you And you, my friend Whether it's front porch coffee with Dean Whether it's a sign at a local Starbucks Whether it is Hey, I'm going to get a bunch of fajitas

I'm going to grill them out And I'm going to try to do a neighborhood potluck And the first one is going to be a bus Let me tell you, it's not going to get a bunch of fajitas. I'm going to grill them out, and I'm going to try to do a neighborhood potluck, and the first one is going to be a bus. Let me tell you, it's not going to be great. The second one, though, might be awesome. It might be great, man. Meet your neighbors. Say hello.

If you put a flyer, I'm just going to challenge you. If you put a flyer on the 10 houses to your right, 10 houses to your left, across the street, same, 10 and 10. There's 40 houses. And you said, I'm grilling fajitas. I'd love everybody to come over for a potluck. I'll have the tables. And you line up the tables on your driveway,

invite everybody, tell everybody, bring a dish and bring a lawn chair. Bring your drinks or whatever. Man, you're going to meet some neighbors. That could be fantastic. What a cool, cool thing to do. And everybody listening, we're entering into an election year.

That's just what we freaking need. Good God. My goodness. I would rather, the list of things I would rather do than enter into another election season, not pretty. And probably not good for radio. Or for podcast. We need each other, man. We're going to need it big time this year.

Call your neighbors. Set something up. I'm going to commit to doing it. Hope you will too. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. And in celebration of the new year, the most common question we've received on the show

for the last few months is some semblance of this question. John's always talking about the strategic plan he does with his wife every year, this meeting they have or this retreat they have. What do they talk about? How do they do it? Like, what are the ins and outs of this thing? And then how do you keep it going throughout the year? Right. So I want to break down for you what me and my wife have done, why we do it, where it's

come from. And more importantly, like here's the things we talk about and here's the way we keep this thing going throughout the year. So it started about, I don't know, 15 years ago. I was working at a university, maybe a little bit less than that. There was a, the Dean of the College of Business, his name was Dr. Rick Lytle, a great guy, but he came to talk to my team. And one of the things he said that he did with his family was they did a strategic plan every year. And I was like, well, of course, you're the Dean of a business college. That makes sense. Sounds lame, but cool. And then he said this, he said, why in the world would I spend all this time and preparation and money and gatherings and all this energy Building a strategic plan for a business

Something that is gonna go away someday And not put that level of time and energy and intentionality into my family and the light bulb went off I was like, oh my gosh, i'm just expecting my family to happen. I'm expecting my marriage to happen. I'm expecting my money just to figure itself out. I'm just expecting to, I don't know, have a Tahoe and three houses and a whatever and a partridge and a pear tree. I'm just expecting this crap to happen. And I expect my marriage to be awesome and the sex to always be amazing and the kids to raise themselves. I just, I mean, when he said that, I was like, yeah, we gotta be intentional about this. And then I did nothing. I did nothing for a while. I had a couple of ideas. Maybe we went to a breakfast on New Year's, you know, here and

there. And then we got to a place, my wife and I, where we had to decide, are we going to stay married? We reached a point where we're sitting across a table, a grownup table and saying, we're going to be adults. Are we going to stay married? Because if we're going to stay married, we can't keep doing this. This has to change. This has to change. This has to change. And that started a very, I remembered that conversation with Dr. Lytle. And so that started a very intentional strategic plan. So here's what it looks like. And the form people get caught up in the form, the same way they get caught up in daily morning routines, they get caught up in what's the exact supplement. That's less important. Sometimes, um, over the last five to seven years, my wife and I

have, I think it's more about five to six years is when we've been doing this really religiously. Um, once we went out of town and just spent a weekend together. Once we did a progressive, it's my favorite one so far was we got a babysitter. Maybe my parents were in town, but we did an entire day. We started somewhere for coffee. We then went to breakfast. We then went somewhere and went for a walk and we went to lunch somewhere. And then we spent all afternoon in another coffee shop. And then we had a nice dinner to kind of wrap up the evening. But, and then this year we had to do it on three separate days. Some years it's been awesome. Just being honest, this year's it was not great. I wasn't feeling great. I was not super excited about the new year. I came with

this picture in my head. She came with that picture in her head and it was like, ugh. So we had to have a fourth meeting, right? But here's how we, but how you do it, whether you have to break it up one hour increments, or I'm going to do it a couple of Saturdays, or I'm going to do it. We're going to go on a retreat once a year or twice a year. Here's the important thing. A carve out some time, very intentional time, half a day. I think you can't do it a minimum and you got to have four hours to do this, probably more. That means somebody's got to get childcare. Somebody's got to ask their mom and dad to come up and visit. Or maybe you're on the holidays and you're staying at your in-law's house. We did that one year where we went away and we left the kids while

we were on vacation. We went away and did it. Set aside some intentional time. Decide on a budget for the day. We're going to spend 500 bucks today. We're going to spend $100 today. We don't have any money at all. So we're going to just do coffee and water. And then we're going to eat at McDonald's. I don't care what it is. Pick the time and the place. And then here's, this is important. You got to do your homework separately. And if you're not willing to do separate homework, you're not willing to have this meeting and you probably have bigger issues in your marriage. And homework does not mean you have to do the whole year. Okay. Here's what the homework is. Here's some questions. And this is from a list that my wife and I actually use ourselves. How do you feel about last year?

What are some things from last year you're really really proud of what are some challenges you faced? And here's what you find you're going to find that that um, y'all didn't know the other person was Facing this challenge or maybe you absolutely did know but you're going to find some things out. Um What are you most looking forward to next year? Who are you becoming? What are four or five ways I could love you better? Each one of these could be answered in five minutes. Most of the time it goes on, it talks, and then it opens up this can of worms and whatever, whatever. Reflect on the past year. What do we need to grieve? This one was really important for us this year. We had some big dreams and the dreams didn't die. They just changed. And I realized, oh, I'm still holding onto this thing, but everything's different now.

What do we need to grieve? What milestones do we need to celebrate? Stop and celebrate. How did we handle challenges as a team? Is there anything we'd like to change next year? And then we're gonna get into the hard conversations. We're gonna talk about sex and intimacy. We're gonna talk about our health.

We're gonna talk about parenting. How are you feeling? Have you got a blood test? I've gained 30 pounds. You look like you don't feel good. I feel separate from you. Whatever that happens to be. Parenting. How are our kids doing and how are we both working together to support our kids? Money is a big one. Money's a big one. I'm going to link to this in the show notes. A lot of this can be funneled through money. Every dollar is the best budgeting app on planet earth and it forces couples to sit at a table and decide what is important to us and how do we want to spend our money. I'm going to put a link to, I think it's free month or three months or something like that of the premium version of it But i'll put a link to in the show notes. It's awesome It's the one I use with my family with my wife

Um schedule and commitments my wife and I go through a calendar then we talk about work I don't have a book coming out this year, but I did last year So last year we a lot of our conversation was what's life going to be like when you're on touring the country? This year it's going to be a little bit different, the conversations. But we put those things on the calendar and we put big plans for trips or not trips or holidays or whatever that thing is. Then we get very granular and decide action items. Who's going to actually hit the button to pay this bill? Who is going to call for the sitter? Okay, we're going to have date night every two weeks. Who's going to call this bill? Who is going to call for the sitter? Okay, we're going to have date night every two weeks. Who's going to call the sitter?

Because one of you is just going to expect the other one to do it. Let's just sit down and go through all of those things. And then what my wife and I do every week as we get together, we used to do it on Sunday nights. This year we're going to start doing it more on Saturday mornings. And I give my kids screen time once a week because I'm a Neanderthal. And so they'll sprint upstairs and play video game or watch cartoons or whatever. My wife and I will spend several hours working through the week. And then we go for a really,

really long, long, long walk or a long rock. And when we make that a plan, we do that every Saturday. It just kind of becomes the way things are. Sometimes the Saturday conversations aren't pretty. There are more of us bickering and fighting and I can't believe this and I don't feel like this and whatever. Sometimes they're so energetic and awesome. It's just the ebb and flow. It's a roller coaster, right? I'm not getting off, so it's just part of the ride. And then here's the important thing. Over the years, you'll tailor this to yourself. I'm actually thinking about coming up with a leather bound journal for couples

that you would take on your retreat at the beginning of the year and then you would fill it in every week for your weekly meetings. If you're interested in that, shoot me a DM on Instagram or email the show, johndeloney.com slash ask ASK. Let me know if you're into that because it would be a, I want it to be something that both, that a dude's not going to feel weird

carrying around, but that would be good for everybody. And here's my dream. My dream is you would have 10 of these or 15 of these and, or 25 of these journals and your kids will get to watch the arc of their parents, what they worked through, what they thought through, what their budget was 25 years ago versus what it is now, how you handled X or Y or Z or whatever. But I'd love to have a really nice, strong, leather bound, like here's our strategic plan. This is going to get us through the year. And here's the final thing.

Know that life will change. Somebody will get cancer. Some kid's going to get sick. Some kid's going to have to leave school. Someone's going to have to fly home to Texas because something's happened to dad. Whatever the thing is, hold it loosely. Plan really well and then hold it loosely. Because once the bullets start flying, then things kind of go out the window.

That's the point of the plan. Point A of the plan. I'll just say what Patrick Lencioni says. The importance of the plan part of the strategic plan, it's a byproduct. It's a byproduct of actually getting together and talking and listening and going back and forth and getting on the same page.

The plan is cool, but the plan's going to change. What's not going to change is that you and your partner get together and say, come what may, I'm going to be right here. And you can count on me, and I'm going to count on you. And we have some agreement about where we're headed. And if life throws us a curveball, we're going to sit down and talk about it.

And then we're going to go from there. But that's what we do every year. We do have a summer that we get together for half a day, just to kind of check in, see how things are going. How are you doing? Do you still like me? That kind of stuff. But the beginning of the year, that strategic planning season is really, really important. And what's now fun is looking back five years ago and saying, I want to have this much money. I want to have a house. I want our kids to be this healthy and safe. And to look and see, man, we've accomplished a lot of that stuff. It's pretty awesome to watch the journey.

So use that for how you will. I'm going to put a link to this PDF that my wife and I use in the show notes here, and you can check it out. And we'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around.

But one thing you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow, and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together

with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it and even I don't want to. This is discipline.

Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and Hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Hallow, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of free months when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney.

It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right. As we wrap up today's show, we have Kelly's favorite installment, Am I the Problem? Go for it. All right. This is from Lisa, and she says,

My boyfriend wants to put cameras in his house. He has them on the outside at entry points, exit points, but now he wants them inside for quote-unquote security. I don't stay there very often, but it still feels like an intrusion. No one wants to be witnessed picking and grinning. Am I the jerk for opposing to spend time when there's cameras rolling? I just want to like read between the lines here. Sounds like he wants to video them

having sex and she doesn't want that. I mean, I know some people that have cameras in their houses. But she's under the impression she doesn't want to be... Yeah, I don't think I would want... I mean, that would be weird to be like, you know, I'm just walking around the house. I want to get something to drink.

All your tattoos are showing. Yeah, but I don't – I would want to know what his reasonings are because have there been people breaking the house? Can you just get security systems? Like we have security systems on all of our windows and everything like that, you know, in the house. Here's what I'll – to answer the question, you're not weird for anything that makes you feel unsafe, right? And when I say weird, I'm saying your body is trying to get your attention and tell you something. That's not abnormal. If that thing interferes with your life to a degree where you can't function.

So like clowns, right? I'm scared of clowns. And then there's people who cannot go into a room with a doll. Like their body seizes up. They'll throw up. They start sweating from the inside out. All right, well, let's go to the counselor and let's work through that. The procedure for working through that is relatively

straightforward. The only good clown is a dead clown. I just want that out there. Exactly. It wouldn't be so weird if you didn't have a big tattoo of Bozo on your neck. Trust me, I do not. I hate clowns. It's on her lower back. That was her clown stamp.

It's so good. But, hey, whatever you feel is like, hey, I'm just not comfortable with this, own that. As for inside the house cameras, I get it. If I went to somebody's house and I knew I was being monitored,

I would feel uncomfortable the whole time I was there. Yeah, you'd feel self-conscious. Now, there are – like when we were having to live in the rental after the house flooded, there was no reason for anyone to be upstairs because – and that's where we had put most of our stuff. So we had a camera set up at the – like at the top of the stairs. But that's the security issue. Exactly. It's a security issue. That's not just, hey, girlfriend. Yeah. At one point in time, we had to have a camera in our daughter's room because there was some – she was doing some things that potentially could harm her.

Safety issue. That's right. Right. But once – I mean, we don't just have cameras in the house. I would just question the motives behind that. Not that he's doing anything wrong, but just what's going on? Let me say this. Go with your gut.

If I went over to Kelly's house, whose husband, Kelly's husband works in police security, and he was telling me about his camera systems inside the house, I wouldn't even think twice of that. Because that's what he does. That's who he is, right? If I went over to Nate Dogg's house, who is Creepy McCreepster, and he's like, hey guys, I got cameras all inside, I would be like, this is kind of gross. This doesn't feel right. You know what I mean? It's like going into somebody's house and they have

carpet on the walls. It's like, uh, things are a little bit shady. So I think you kind of know. And so, if you're a woman writing in, or you're listening to this, go with your gut on this. Something is telling you, I don't like this. And so telling you, I don't like this. And so, no, I don't think you're weird.

I don't think you're weird. Do you? No, I don't think she's the problem at all. And I'm not saying he's the problem either. Yeah. They just, if it's not something she's not comfortable with and he's adamant about it, that's just where it is. Ah, Felicia. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or maybe you can't be picking and grinning in the main room. Maybe that's the issue. All right, hey, thanks for hanging out with us. Make good choices. I mean, go all in on your resolutions. Don't get off the wagon.

If you've already gotten off the wagon, get back on. Don't do it all at once because your body will revolt. Love you guys. Bye.