The Dr. John Delony Show - My Boyfriend Won’t Stop Looking at Suggestive Photos Online

Episode Date: July 22, 2022

In this episode, we hear from a woman uncomfortable with her boyfriend following promiscuous Instagram accounts, a broken father overcome with anger toward his daughter’s abuser, and a woman who hasn’t told her parents about her boyfriend of four years who is over 20 years older. Lyrics of the Day: "Everybody Hurts" - R.E.M. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I discovered that he was liking other girls' pictures on social media that were inappropriate. What does inappropriate mean? Teenies and showing off their goods. He can do whatever he wants to. He has no right, none, to stomp on your values.

What up? How we doing? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I hope you're doing well, having fun, getting some sleep. I don't know, whatever it is you're doing.

Somersaults in the neighborhood. I hope you're having fun, whatever it is you're doing. Somersaults in the neighborhood. I hope you're having fun, whatever it is you're doing. And if you're struggling, we're sitting here with you until the show's four to walk alongside you. If you want to be on it, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask.

A-S-K. Let's go straight to the phones today. Let's go to Amanda in New Jersey. What's up, Amanda? Hi, John. How are you? I'm so good. You're the most joyful voice I've heard in a long time, mostly because I listen to Kelly,

and it was good to talk to you. You're a joyful voice too, Kelly. It's just at a lower octave and a little bit meaner, but it's still joyful. Still joyful. Okay. Hey, Amanda, what are you doing? How's it going? Oh, it's going great. Thanks. I'm having a great Wednesday so far. Excellent. Excellent. All right. So what's up and how can I help? Tell me what's going on. So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months now. And a few months ago, I discovered that he was liking other girls' pictures on social media that were inappropriate. What does inappropriate mean? Inappropriate like they were in maybe like skimpy underwear and bikinis, and showing off their goods.

Showing off the goods. All right. Awesome. So I confronted him about it, and he reassured me that he loved me and that he would stop doing it. So fast forward a few weeks after that, and I discovered that he was back at it with, like, he needs girls pictures. So my question is, am I being a jealous girlfriend or are there red flags that I'm probably overlooking?

Okay, so let me, what do you think? Or what do you feel? So I love him. He's the first man I've loved. Um, and I can see myself with him, but this is, to me,

it just makes me uncomfortable and a little bit hurt that he's still doing it. Yeah. Um, what, what about, um, what about your feelings towards this situation? What about your feelings have forced you something about,

you have a feeling about this. You have a response to this and you immediately roll it into, well, maybe me, it's probably me. I am probably feeling this way or I, maybe I'm overreacting. What makes you think so little of the way you feel about something?

So maybe because it probably goes back to when I was a kid, but I've grown up, like my feelings have always been kind of like invalidated. I've been known like, oh, Jasmine, you're just overthinking. You're making this a bigger deal than what it is. So into adulthood, I think I've carried that with me. And I'm just like, oh, maybe I'm just making a big deal about this. Maybe I should just let him have his fun and just sit back. Check out other people's other goods.

Yeah. Right? Okay. So the fact that you've now tethered that connection now, cause that finding that pulling that string, right. From no, people have always told me that I overreact that I'm being a baby or I'm a whiner or whatever. They've always told me that to now that usually takes months or some weeks, sometimes months to uncover that roadmap, right? You've got it. Now your task is to no longer go mining in the past, but to begin to practice trusting yourself moving forward. Okay? Okay. So here's what I would tell you. It's very,

very hard. It's very hard because you've been told that your steps don't count. You need to get in line behind somebody else. And so the feeling of jealousy, especially when you're dating is, um, it's a, it's a signal. It's your body telling you something. And I always think it's super wise to stop and ask, like, why am I reacting this way? And here's the way I read it. And the internets are going to say mean things about me. That's fine. So before the internet starts whining, he can do whatever he wants to. He can follow whoever he wants to in imaginary land on social media. That's not real, but he likes to think it is. He can like any picture

he wants to, and the women making these photos can do whatever they want to. I've heard that many times. They can do whatever they want, right? That's fine. He has no right, none, zero, to stomp on your values

or on your wishes or on the things that make you feel uncomfortable in the relationship. And what you did was the right thing. You went to him with your values and your discomfort. And you said, this particular action makes me feel less than it makes me feel, um, not enough. And I don't care if it was the way he mowed your yard. I don't care if it was his views on political issues. I don't care what the thing is. You are courageous. And you went to him and said, when you follow these other women wearing hardly anything, and they are putting sexually explicit material out there and you're into that, it makes me feel less than. So I'm asking you as your significant other to

stop. And he said, I'm in, you got it. And then he lied to you and went back. Yeah. Then you are well within your rights to say, I'm uncomfortable with this relationship. And this, to me, the first time it's about the discomfort thing. Now it's about the lack of integrity and his disregard for your values. If he feels like this is an affront to my values, I think I should be able to look at people on the internet who freaking cares. It's fine. Then a person with integrity would have come back to his girlfriend or his wife and said, hey, I stopped doing this for a few weeks, a few months, and I'm troubled by this.

And here's why. I feel like you're acting like my mom. I feel like you are being unreasonable. I feel like this is just like play fantasy, but you are my real person. Like have some sort of excuse, some sort of discussion, but don't just blow you off. Okay. Okay?

Yeah. You deserve to not be blown off and you deserve to have your values recognized. And so if I'm you, here's how, I'm just throwing something out there. Okay. Okay. I would circle back and say, um, this happened again. Do you want to be with me? Cause I was pretty clear about this makes me uncomfortable. And you're going, anytime we

lay a boundary down, people run up and smash into it to see if it holds and he might say no I mean if this is that big of a deal to you we're probably not going to work out and if that happens you have to hear me say this it was never going to work out it might just fall apart five years from now with two kids yeah that's what I'm scared about

exactly and again it's not about hitting the little heart thing on some woman in her underwear on social media. It's about you being so courageous to state your values and him being like, no, I don't really care. I'm going to do whatever I want to. And I love you. Oh, I love you. But I'm going to do whatever I want to.

And when you get those two competing messages, you feel crazy, right? Because you're in the gap. You feel nuts. He says he loves me, and I love him, but he's doing these other things. So if I'm you, I would ask that question. And if the answer is yes, of course, then I would say, then for 60 days, for two months, I want you to delete all

social media. I want you to show me that I'm more important than a fantasy world, a not real world. And I put the stakes pretty high. That's just what I would do. You don't have to do that, okay? Okay. Okay. That'll be hard, but I will definitely try it. How old are you, Amanda? I'm 27. Are you settling?

I think deep down inside, I may be. Okay. That's hard for me to admit. No, I know. I know. I know. And this isn't, and by the way, this isn't because he looks at people in their sexy pictures online. That's not, just because somebody does that doesn't mean somebody's settling, right? Yeah. But my guess is there's deeper value things here that you are slowly wallpapering over for the sake of this relationship slash for the sake of this guy. Oh boy. Okay. Am I right?

Yeah, you're, you're right. I think I was just pushing it back and I was kind of masking it it was just like oh you're just maybe just see how this plays out but yeah you're right it's always it's almost never about well I don't say that

I usually don't look at behavior first because people say and do dumb things that's just life I am first in first because people say and do dumb things. That's just life. And I am first in line there. I say and do dumb things. But I always want to roll back to people's values. And after I say, hey, here's a value for me, does somebody else meet that value?

When my wife says, hey, I can't be a part of this, then I have to hear and meet her value or I've got to leave. You know what I mean? Because values are hard. They're in stone. And for whatever it's worth, Amanda, don't settle. Okay.

Okay? Okay. I'm trying not to cry, but you're right. You're welcome to cry, but I'm not... You've known this for a while, right? Yeah. Yeah, I think I just pushed it to the side. Yeah, because it feels good to have somebody with you, right?

Yeah. It feels so good. And holding hands is good and making out is good and laughter and joy is good. Having someone to do things with is good and laughter and joy is good. Having someone to do things with is good. But man, having somebody walk all over the things that you think are important to who you are and who you want to be are not good. Yes, very true. And I've seen it happen with my parents. My dad has always, he hasn't been faithful to my mom throughout the years.

So my biggest fear was always ending up in the same situation as my mom, I guess. Yeah. So can I give you one nugget of wisdom that I want you to put in your backpack, okay? Yes. Actually tattoo this one on your forearm. Okay. The way to break that cycle, and it does become a cycle, what we normally do to try to fix that cycle is we try to be better for other people. Okay?

So I'm imagining that you watched your dad be unfaithful, and there's all kinds of stories about why that happened and the reasons behind that, etc. A logical path forward is I'm going to be the best girlfriend, wife ever. I'm going to be so good that that can never happen. And it's when people realize that most of the time infidelity is because the person who is not faithful doesn't like who they are. It's not because of the other person. So the greatest gift you can provide in your relationship moving forward, any relationship you're a part of, is that you don't seek to make sure

everybody else sees you as great, but that from the inside out, you heal and realize I'm who I freaking am because I'm Amanda from New Jersey, right? Yes. It's you healing from the inside out. And there's something radiant about that. There's something so highly magnetic about people who are whole from the inside out.

It's just like, it's incredible. You've met them before. You've seen them and you talk to them. You're like, ah, what is that? It's just like they are at peace with who they are. They're at peace with who they are. And it's, it's just. So I'm not telling you to break up with this guy. You do what you're going to do. I'm telling you that you are worth more than having somebody spit on your values. You're worth more than trying to become something

so that somebody will be faithful to you. They will love you. That becomes performative. And at some point, the lights go out in the theater and the curtain closes and the performance ends. And that's when you find out who you really are. And that person, Amanda, is worth being loved. We'll be right back.

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Churchill is a Ramsey-trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades and their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. We're going to go to Mark in, um, Idaho falls. Um, it's important as we're, um, Mark, you there? Yeah, I'm here. Hey man. So, um, we're going to set the stage here.

Recently had your wife, Andy on the show and, um, she talked about working through, um, through the discovery that the father of somebody close to you had sexually assaulted and sexually abused your young teenage daughter. Yeah, she was 11 at the time. She was 11 at the time. Okay. Oh, man. So one of the things when we were talking, she mentioned was that her husband, you, was really struggling with rage. And I don't know if you remember the call.

If you listened to it, I don't even know if it's out yet. But I am the daughter. I mean, I'm the father of a 12-year-old and a 6-year-old little girl. And I felt my body reacting to that call and i said man if you have your have your husband call me and here you are man you're a brave brave man um so just starting out of the gate i want to thank you for calling and um let's work this one together man so tell me what's going on well i'll do my best to try to contain my crap. Hey, this is, A, we've got great editors on this show, and B, I'm by far the most full of crap person here,

so you let it run, man. Well, some other things have come to light since my wife had spoken with you, but I guess my question is, and I had to write it down, try to just contain emotions and stuff, but how do I, a loving father of five amazing daughters, handle my hatred and rage towards this evil person?

And at the same time, try to keep my composure and put on a happy face for my family. Yeah, that's kind of where I'm struggling. And then to kind of add more to it so my my daughter that we've found this out about um you know she's been in counseling and everything else but very recently um uh we found out that she is being victimized online by other men who are sending her videos and and what have you i've since been taking control of, of it all, but this just adds to my anger and to my hatred. Um, you know,

I'm, I'm in front of my family. I'm pretty calm and collective and, and I, I hold my stuff together pretty well. But when I find myself just kind of alone, my, uh, my mind tends to wander, and the rage and hatred and anger come out very, very quickly. I'm a pretty active guy.

I'm involved heavily with jiu-jitsu and mixed martial arts and other physical things, and it seems like those kind of curb the anger, although I do feel sorry for some of my counterparts that I do these things on but i find myself just kind of in the recesses of myself i it's very very close to the surface

and if any time i even bring up just slightly this stuff it just it the hatred anger just overtake me yeah yeah and i think any any, any father listening to this, um, I would say, especially the fathers, just cause I am one. I mean, I can't imagine somebody experiencing what you're experiencing and have experienced and not feeling the exact same way. tell you this is the single hardest call um i've ever had to make um i've ever been a part of all the calls about violence all the calls about this is the hardest one and jenna and kelly let me know this one was coming and like you i actually made some notes too um because i'm gonna get emotional okay so i want you to think less about like i'm some guy with all the answers as more than I'm a fellow mixed martial arts guy too. And we're just a couple of dads sitting down trying to figure out what happens next. Okay. Yeah.

Is that cool? So I want you to interrupt me and stop me at any time because I can get to preaching a little bit and tell me if I'm out of bounds ever. Okay. Okay. I'm also going to promise as hard as it is, I'm going to tell you the truth. Is that cool? Yeah. And if at any point you get pissed off at me, that is completely okay. All right. First thing here is your anger and your rage are right. It's your body responding to the deepest and most primal violation that I can imagine. Okay?

So I don't want you to think that you're crazy or that you're nuts or something's broken inside of you. It is not. Okay? Can you tell me about the rage? How does it come over you? I could kind of liken it a little bit to what I would imagine like PTSD would feel like to a certain extent where I'll just be driving to work or in a store. Or it tends to be kind of when I'm by myself and I have my thoughts to myself and it just kind of overcomes me where I just feel this just rage. And that's probably the best word for it,

where, you know, I haven't done anything to this individual. I've made promises not to. Is this person in jail? No. So last we're aware of, it's all under a investigation. Okay. And they can't share anything else with me at this point. It sounds like maybe some other victims maybe have come through, which is a lot of my daughter,

because my daughter does not want to be the first person to talk or do a forensic interview or any of that. I think what bothers me probably just as much too is, you know, I have a bit of a law enforcement background as well. So I know how long these proceedings can take. And so to kind of answer your question, it just, it seems like when I'm by myself and just kind of alone to my thoughts, I just, I fantasize about burning this person. I want to see this person's world just burn. And I want to see his family watch it burn in front of him. Yep. Because that's what he did to you. And I want to be there.

I want to be there to see it and smile because it happens. Yeah. I've never hated someone so much and so bad as I do this individual. And for legal sakes and everything else, I feel like I can't do anything about it.

I can't do anything. Not for legal sakes. Because then my family loses me. There you go. That's right. So this is beyond anger. And this rage, the word I usually associate with rage is trapped. And you just explained it perfectly.

Your body is saying, do this thing. And the fantasies, the pictures you're creating in your head about what this thing would feel like and look like and be like is powerful. And also there's the reality. You've kept up with the Cain Velasquez thing, probably. You see the other side of that. Yeah. And I know this doesn't make logical sense as well, but there is so much guilt that I feel because I'm the one that dropped my

daughter off. Hold on, hold on. That's it. That's it. That's it. You're not trapped in this rage cycle. My brother,

you're trapped in shame because you feel like this happened on your watch. And you feel like you should have been able to do something to protect your precious little girl, and you're trapped in an imaginary failure. And you may have even had some feelings that this dude was a scumbag. You may have even felt that. Or you'll, you know, maybe not, maybe not,

but there's always that like, ah, that's too bad. There was a prompting. I felt like there was a prompting i i felt like there was a prompting about this guy that's right you and so now what you've done is you're trapped in these recurring thoughts and you wake up in the adrenaline and the cortisol that you have harnessed over years of law enforcement stuff and jujitsu training you know what happens next and you know that and your body's primed for it. And you keep looping back as though you can go back and edit what has happened. And here's the worst thing I can tell you.

It happened. And there's a period at the end of that sentence. There is not a single thing you can do to stop what happened from happening because it already happened. And until you grieve the absolute bloody hell out of that, your body will continue to piece up and piece up and spin up and ready to roll and get ready to roll over and over and over again to try to solve a problem that can't be solved backwards.

And I'm telling you this as a guy who's got a very similar background to you who's got a little girl. And I told Kelly, the reason this call was going to be hard for me because I'm telling you things that I wouldn't want to hear. Right? Yeah. And when we get trapped and we get enraged, the switch that gets flipped is our ego. Becomes about revenge, about getting even. And you are chugging poison every day. And you're spraying it across your family like a lawn fertilizer spreader.

And you're hoping that dude will die, and he will not. Just you. So let me tell you this as directly as I can. This man stole from your daughter, and he stole from your family, and he stole from your family. And he stole from future generations. But if you allow your rage and anger to pulse through your veins, creating distance between you and your wife and your daughters and your community,

then you are voluntarily handing this man everything these girls have left. Don't do that. Is that fair? Yeah. Do not give him this. He's taken enough. Your anger and rage is not about her and it's not about him. It's about you.

And you, my brother, have to forgive you. This is not your fault. Like I said, I know logically that makes sense, but. You have to say the words, I forgive you, Mark. I don't know if I'm there yet. I know, but you got to. And again, I'm piling it up on you now, but you think you're covering it up at home?

My guess is you're a nuclear reactor because what's happening now is your daughter has become a project. She's become somebody to heal, something to solve, something to get better. She's become a picture and a frame, right cause to take to the streets for and what she really needs is to be your daughter and you are a nuclear reactor right now and so you are good enough and you're disciplined enough you've worked your ass off to become super disciplined so that you can control yourself in hard moments,

but the inside of you is on fire and children are particularly attuned to that electricity. And so this is the hardest thing, I mean, the second hardest thing I'm gonna tell you. You've got to decide,'m going to set this thing down and I wish it was harder than that and I wish it was more complex than that but you have to make a series of behavioral choices

to stop this because the rage is going to kill you and the rage is going to take these five beautiful wonderful daughters daddy from them and there's a reason why when this happens often it breaks up families because somebody's not grieving enough

somebody's grieving too much, somebody's too angry someone's not angry enough this will blow your marriage up if you're not careful yeah it's already caused some amount of stress yeah it has this will blow your marriage up if you're not careful. Yeah. Yeah, it's already caused some amount of stress. Yeah, it has. And hey, all that's normal, man. That's totally normal.

Y'all aren't crazy. You're not busted up. I mean, it's a mess. And the awful part about this is it will ricochet through, right? Once that switch is flipped, once that darkness is open, especially in a pre-pubescent teen entering into being a teenager,

yeah, man, it's a rabbit hole now. You just found down the rabbit hole even further, right? Yeah. This thing will have consequences and cascades throughout. And it's a decision, a daily decision to handle and deal with and work through and heal those things as they happen.

And not to continue. Every time, like, especially recently as I've taken away my daughter's phone and seen some of the conversations and some of the pictures that people have sent her online. It's enraging. It brings everything so close to the surface again that it just, we live it over and over and over again. And in a way to try to protect my wife too, she's aware of these, but I refuse to let her see any of these vivid images that I've had to see and endure over the last couple of days. Right.

Does it benefit you to see that stuff? No, but it's too late. I've already seen it. I know, but now you've got you've got a choice moving into the future when someone says we've seen we found some things on your daughter's computer at school or we have found some things on a friend's computer you now know um i don't need to see that. Tell me what it is. I'm good. And can I tell you this? We often, when things happen to our kids,

our brain replays those things as though they are happening again in real time. Okay? So a conversation we have with folks who lose a child in a car wreck is one of the keys to healing is recognizing that kid experienced a moment of terror or maybe a moment of intense pain as the car wreck happened, but now that kid is not hurting. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. you see what I'm saying? yeah and your daughter experienced

some dark, dark evil fear terror, paralyzed and right now she's safe in your home and she's got a mom and a dad who love her see what I'm saying? and she's still hurting

and she's got healing to go but it's so easy to go hurting and she's still hurt and she's got healing to go. But it's so easy to go back to. She's still in that moment and she's not right now. Okay? Yeah. I will tell you as a guy who tries to out weight lift

and out shoot and out run and out train and out learn new things, my hurts. The only way through this is grief. I feel like I can't out-run this. You cannot. I promise you, you can't. You will make yourself insane, and you will end up with a heart attack or a stroke, or kids who are nervous to be around you.

Or you can grieve it and that's the dropping of your shoulders and that's the screaming and being raged out at God and being angry at what happened and how slow the system is. And when those thoughts lightning bolt into your head, which they do, and quite honestly, brother, they will.

They're going to. That's the moment. Right when that thought comes into your head, the picture of that guy, the thought of that door slowly opening in the dark, and you see that crack and you see that shadow of that guy standing there because I know you've imagined it. When that goes into your head instantly, you can't help it when it does. That's when you've got a choice. I will not meditate on this. And the key is not just shutting that thing down, but it's having another picture to replace

it with. And so I would have pictures of my daughter that make me laugh, pictures with my family that bring me joy, memories of times when we whatever, and I'm going to make a conscious decision every single time that when that thought pops into my head, I'm going to make a conscious decision every single time that when that thought pops into my head I'm going to say the word out loud nope and I'm going to have something else to think on that brings me joy and here's what's going to happen over time

your brain is going to recognize this is neuroscience that you my friend are driving now. It doesn't have to default to the automatic survival setting because you are back in control and it will dial down the rage. Right now, it feels like that rage is keeping you and your family safe and it is not. It's drowning everybody. What will keep your family safe is a dad who's fully present. Who's not at peace with what happened, but is at peace with what comes next. Okay.

You also cannot do this by yourself. And it may be that you're in a situation where traditional counseling might not be your thing. Do you have a group of guys that you trust and can go get nachos and a beer with and just be honest? I'm kind of struggling with that a little bit because historically speaking, I've had my church friends. I've had my MMA and jujitsu friends. I've had my law enforcement friends, my EMS friends. And they typically don't interact or mingle with each other. I like to keep things almost separate.

Mark, stop trying to control everything. It doesn't work, man. It doesn't work. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You got kicked in the teeth hard man you lost a bunch of teeth and so now the question is what are you going to do next

are you going to go back to the gym are you going to say hey I'm not fighting anymore it's fine what am I going to do but I think calling a group of guys and getting them together and just saying hey this happened and I'm just sick about it and I just need to tell a group of guys and getting them together. Just saying, hey, this happened.

And I'm just sick about it. And I just needed to tell a group of guys that I love. It's the word that nobody wants to hear. Nobody wants to use, especially tough guys like you and I. But you got to have to be vulnerable. You got to roll over and say, I got hurt. And somebody hurt my most prized possession. You're going to have to say that out loud to other people

and that's part of the healing process I wish I knew how to give you a pill to make that not the case but that is the case on the other side of grief and on the other side you'll still get mad, mad, mad. You will get angry, angry, angry.

The difference will be that you won't feel trapped. And your body won't be enraged. You'll be mad and pissed off like you should be. And he won't get the sentence that you think he should unless some people come forward. I'll also challenge you the same way I challenged her. Your 13-year-old doesn't get very many votes in this one. Yeah.

Okay. And I know that that's hard, and I know that's quote-unquote not cool, and you're going to feel like you're re-traumatizing her. Right now, she needs parents who A, believe her, and B, are willing to say, I know this is what you think you want, but you're a child, and we're going to be in your corner. Yeah. Okay.

And that's super hard. Have you heard my analogy about the twin towers? No. So I heard it from one of my favorite therapists who was talking about rebuilding a marriage after infidelity. And it works across the board, so I'll give it to you. With the understanding that the greatest gift you could give your children right now, all five of them,

is to heal your marriage and to heal and to grieve by yourself and together. She said that you could never go back to downtown New York and sweep up all the steel and ash and dust and broken glass and use all of that to read those materials to rebuild the twin towers they have fallen the only choices you have are to a walk away and leave it in rubble or hire a couple of contractors get some construction crews down there and excavate the entire site and then go sit with some architects and some engineers and some artists crews down there and excavate the entire site and then go sit with some architects and some engineers and some artists and reimagine and rebuild something arguably more beautiful structurally stronger that's a monument to the past but is also a

clear directive for what comes next and so we're not trying to get back to what was we are trying to build something that will be and you what that looks like in real life is you and your wife go take a half day retreat or y'all get out of town and you for the first time weep not from a place of anger or rage or control but from a place of grief and y'allall write letters to all five of your daughters. You dream about what could be, where y'all want to live, what you want to do,

all of those things. And you talk about what you need and what she needs from you and what you need from her. And y'all recommit to practicing the things every day. See what I'm saying? We're rebuilding the whole thing from the floor up this is just what happened

this is where we are the towers fell a lot of wasted energy and a lot of wasted anger and rage are in trying to preserve what was what was is no more this happened can I tell you this

what's up your daughter is Can I tell you this? What's up? Your daughter is... Lucky as all bloody hell that she has you as her old man. And I'm telling you that after talking to thousands of dads over the last two decades. She won the absolute lottery getting you. And it's time for you to understand and believe that.

You're a good man, Mark. You're a good dad. Thanks. Okay. My commitment to you is I'll be with you every step of the way call anytime

do I have your commitment that you're not gonna do something stupid you're not gonna hurt anybody yeah I'm not gonna do anything okay as much as I want to

but I know the one thing I want you to commit to doing is not committing to trying to fight back the rage moving forward

I want your commitment to be, I'm going to heal and I'm going to grieve like crazy. And then my wife and I are going to reimagine what comes next. And then we're going to be about building that with our five daughters. And that my friend is shapeshifter generational, change your family tree kind of stuff. And by the way, at some point on the back end of grief, there's making meaning of this madness. And making meaning might look like you rejoin the police force and join a task force, or you create a group of dads and fathers, or you go to the school board and you get computers and screens out of there because these kids are being handed weapons of mass destruction and they don't even know it,

that you petition your local whatever county to increase the penalties for fill in the blank. You run for public office. I don't care what it is. But at some point after you grieve this and you're able to breathe and you're able to relax and you're able to relax and you be able to control the dial of those thoughts, you take control of those thoughts, you begin to say, okay, what are we going to do next? How we've now found ourselves way into the, into the jungle. We've hacked our own path through here.

How are we going to invite people to walk on this path with us now? I love you, man. I'm grateful for you. And one of the strongest, bravest men I've talked to in a long, long, long time. And thank you for being honest with us, man. And I'll keep walking alongside you. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season.

And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist.

Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp.

BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online, and you fill out a short survey, and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back.

Let's go to my home state of Texas and talk to Renee. What's up, Renee? Hey, Dr. John. How we doing? Doing pretty good. How are you? We are just, we're getting through this? Hey, Dr. John. How we doing? Doing pretty good. How are you? We are just, we're getting through this one today, man. It's been a tough one.

Yeah. That was a rough call. That was hard, man. Hard, hard, hard stuff. What are you up to? Oh, man, Dr. John. So the reason I'm calling, I'm just, I am so just like at a point where like I need to make some decisions. But well, so my parents, they're like really, they're very old fashioned, traditional. I'll get into some backstory later.

But I've been dating my boyfriend for almost four years now. And he's great. It's the best relationship I've ever been in. And, you know, he's awesome. He's great. My sisters have met, like my sister has met him. My friends have met him, but I have not told or introduced him to my parents.

Does he have seven arms? Is he like, is he like a, I don't know. Why are you hiding him? Well, one is just because kind of. Listen to you, look at you. You come out swinging. Hey, hold on now. Why are you hiding him?

Like, why are you hiding him? Well, we have a 21 year age gap. Okay, how old are you? him? Like, why are you hiding him? Well, we have a 21-year age gap. Okay, how old are you? I'm 31. Dang. Who cares? All right, so you're 31. You're dating a 100-year-old.

So what? I know. Think how much fun you can have. He's almost retired already. I'm telling you. Renee, I'm totally messing with you. Why are you hiding him? I'm just really nervous. My parents are the source of a lot of anxiety.

They're very old-fashioned. I grew up in a very strict religious household I mean they were very very strict even up until my 20s could be borderline controlling do you have a job now?

yes I do okay it sounds like and you and I could get into this for a long time. It sounds like they still have a control over you, whether it's emotionally or psychologically or spiritually of some sort. Like you're going to have to let them go. They don't get a vote. Doesn't matter. For some reason, they still have a powerful hold over you.

You're 31 years old. You're a grown woman. And they don't get a vote. And what I'll tell you is just because they don't get a vote doesn't mean you're disrespectful and doesn't mean that you don't love them. That means they no longer get to speak into the actions and day-to-day decisions of your life. Now, if they're good parents, they're still going to complain and give you wisdom and be like, I wouldn't do that. That's fine. That's what parents do.

Yeah. But they don't get a vote. And you've been holding their voting card for four years. And what's wild about that is that card weighs about 10,000 pounds and you've been dragging it around. That's true. And you have, not for some reason, I know why

it's hard. I'm making it sound so simple. you have dragged around a 10,000 pound cinder block called parents' opinion on boyfriend for four years. Quit carrying it. Quit carrying it. Right? Right, right, right. They don't get a vote if they choose to not love you anymore because of who you love then they've made a choice and it will be hard it'll be

heartbreaking and it'll be devastating but it won't be as heavy as dragging around a 10,000 pound cinder block. Okay. And in some ways it will be freeing. And if they hold money over you, they can keep their inheritance. And if they hold, well, the Christmas present, they can keep their Christmas presents.

If they think so little of the daughter they raised, that they are going to disassociate with her over this, then you clearly know where you stand with them. Right? Right. Exactly. Now, if they give you their wisdom and they're like, we don't think this is a good idea, but we love you and support you.

That's fine. That's what parents do. If they say, hey, it's going to take us a minute, right? We get some time. And we have this conversation with kids who come out. We have this conversation with all different kinds of people. Parents do get a minute. I give them that.

Like I had a picture that I had of what Christmas and Thanksgiving was going to look like. And that picture is going to be different now. One, because you're bringing a senior citizen home. I'm just kidding. I can't help it. I can't help it I'm just kidding I can't help it I can't help it a lot of people can't help it listen you're my friend and I like to clown on my friends but like you know what I mean

like it's going to be different than the picture they had that's a shock so be it it is and I probably wouldn't just show up and be like ta-da here's Darren I wouldn't probably do that yeah so I'm't probably do that. Yeah,

so I'm calling. How do I break this to him? I mean, I have an idea how. It's not a breaking it. Can I be real honest with you? I've been holding back a little bit. Can I be super honest? Yeah, go ahead. Give it to me straight. You're ashamed of him.

No. Yes, go ahead. Give it to me straight. You're ashamed of him. No. Yes, you are. I am not ashamed of him at all. You're ashamed of him and you're ashamed of you. Otherwise, you would walk through the middle of that front door and be like, this is who I am. And this is who I love. Tell me I'm wrong. I definitely want to say you're wrong.

I'm just really, really. Behavior's a language, my friend. Behavior's a language. And what you are telling me by how you act is that you love this dude, but you want to keep him behind the curtain. Because he's got old gray hair. And he probably still wears pleats on his pants. No, actually, no. That's just how they ruled in the early 80s.

Do what? I mean, my friends have met him. My sister has met him. And he's met pretty much everyone except them. I know, but you're talking about him like he's a... Like my wife has met my boss. My wife, I mean, my coworkers have met my kids. Like you're talking about him like he's a display.

Right. He's a part of your life. And after four years, quite frankly, he's a part of you. Y'all are together. Right? Right. So it's not like a big reveal. I mean, it is.

Be honest. At four years, the reveal is the deception. Yeah, exactly. Right? And so I would honestly call my mom and dad. If you live down the street from him, I'd go visit him. Or otherwise, I'd call him on the phone and say, hey, here's the thing. I've kept this from y'all, and that's on me.

But I've been dating this dude for three and a half, four years, and I love him, and he's awesome, and he's 1,000 years old. And he's not traditional, and it is what it is. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I wouldn't go into, and if you can't accept this, no, let them be grownups. And maybe they'll surprise you. Maybe they'll surprise you.

Probably they won't. You know your parents pretty well, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And if they throw a fit, you can say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Probably they won't. You know your parents pretty well, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And if they throw a fit, you can say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not asking for your permission. I'm not asking for is this the right thing. I'm telling you, this is the person I've been with for four years.

We'd like to come to dinner. You see what I'm saying? I'm taking all the air out of everything. I'm not walking in there with 25 filled up balloons. Right. I'm walking in there empty handed. And if they choose to ask me to leave, they can choose to ask me to leave.

If their behavior chooses, it tells me that they don't want me there, then that's heartbreaking and sad. And I'll be, I'll have to grieve the crap out of that. But I'm going to leave. Right. Because you don't get a vote.

This is who I love. And it may come with consequences. You may lose your inheritance or lose the ranch or whatever the thing is. Right? And then you've got choices to make. Yeah. If you're not the one with the problem with the relationship, do you have a problem with the relationship?

No, not at all. I don't have, I have zero problems. And one of the reasons I've been kind of, so just really thinking about kind of how I need to tell them, I need to tell them because we are ready and have made, we've had plenty of serious discussions about our future and we're kind of ready to take that next step. What's the next step?

We like to get married one day, but obviously like neither of us wants to do that without first, obviously kind of interacting and getting to know my folks and all of that. Does he feel weird that you haven't taken him home yet? Yeah, he definitely feels weird. If I was him, I would be weirded out. I would think you're ashamed of me. When I was dating my wife, I had real long hair, and it was dyed different colors,

and I think I had five earrings. I was just an idiot, okay? And when she was taking me home, she said, look, you are not going to be like the other people I've brought home. And I was in my 19-year-old or 20-year-old indignation. Oh, yeah, this is just me. I was such a poser. I was such an idiot. But here's the thing. She said, you got gotta take all the earrings out

And I need you to comb your hair regular Like a normal person And I really cared about her And so I did And her family gave me a hard time As they should've And they're Some of the most incredible in-laws you can ever imagine

My fear is that for four years some of the most incredible in-laws you can ever imagine. My fear is that for four years, you've demonstrated to this guy that you have to hide him. Right. And my fear is for four years, you've communicated to your parents, I don't trust you. I can't trust you. And that might be well-earned.

And for four years, you've treated him as a museum ornament that you introduced to people. But there's this life thing happening all around you. Yeah. And it's got to be exhausting juggling all that, doesn't it? Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I forgot the name of the character But it's from the movie Frozen

Just let it go Oh, yeah Don't hold it back anymore Let it go Right? Is that cool? Same team? That's cool, same team Now, you know this

You call your parents You have this conversation It could explode Yeah And think about how freeing it would be It would feel great Right So either way you win If they welcome him in

They're like great We can I was going to say something mean I was going to say something mean I was going to say something so mean can I say it it was pretty funny I've heard it all

don't I what if your dad's like oh my gosh we could share denture cream what if that happens that was that was not very nice

but it could happen it probably won't happen but they could get along great they probably won't but they could either way you don't have to

carry this thing anymore. You can set it down. Fair? That's true. And then your parents get to decide. Are we willing to lose one of the most precious and extraordinary women that we've ever known? Because her boyfriend doesn't look like the picture we had in our head. They get to make that choice.

Not you. Moving forward, consider all the ways that you can become congruent and have integrity everywhere. Good for you guys. Four years is a long time. It's fantastic. And I'm glad that you got friends that are razzing you. That's fantastic. They can bring some humor to the situation because it's hard, it's heavy, and it's different. But at the same time, live free. You're worth that. You are worth that. We'll be right back.

Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Thanks for sticking with us. This is a tough show today. I'm glad we get to do this one together. To wrap up this song they brought from the booth, I've got some funny memories of this song back in college. It's so great. But also, to my few buddies who I went to college with,

who are listening to this, which they're probably not listening to this, they will get a smile. But the song is actually really meaningful and really deep and really good. And it applies to this show. The song's by R.E.M. It's called Everybody Hurts. And it goes like this.

When the day is long and the night is yours alone, when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well, hang on. Don't let yourself go because everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

And sometimes everything is wrong and now it's time to sing along when your day is night, hold on. If you feel like letting go, hold on. If you think you've had too much of this life, hang on. Take comfort in your friends. Don't throw your hand. If you feel like you're alone

you're not alone and ladies and gentlemen that's why we do this show you are not alone we're here with you we'll see you soon coming up on the next episode I just I want to be that man

that she deserves and I just I fail miserably in every step that I try to do anything this only works if you're honest with me yes sir I fail miserably in every step that I try to do anything. This only works if you're honest with me. Yes, sir. Have you cheated on your wife? I have not.

Basically, it's at the point now where it's alternate treatments. Okay, so it's terminal. Yeah. I think I'm just finding myself not sure how to be there for her. I'm grieving the friendship we had. How old are you? We're both 35. Oh, my gosh.

Feels like those who have promised to help me through this stuff, I don't mean my wife or my family, but counselors. And the freaking VA. Okay, you named them yeah I wasn't going to name them I'll name them I'll name them because it's an atrocity sometimes the way they treat you guys

after being on the suicide hotline and all that stuff they canceled two days beforehand it feels like everything is reinforcing the idea that

in this I'm totally alone why struggle through it anymore and just kind of end it, you know?