The Dr. John Delony Show - My Boyfriend’s Fame Is Derailing Our Relationship

Episode Date: September 12, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman wondering how to navigate her boyfriend’s burgeoning music career A man struggling to impress his older girlfriend A mom navigating her teenage son’s addictions Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Need to talk to someone? BetterHelp is virtual therapy when it’s convenient for you. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. These are the BEST sheets and towels in the world. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Getting lots of spam calls? DeleteMe can clean up your online presence for you. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Find peace every day. Hallow is the simplest way to slow down and get your head right for the day. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  I have Helix Midnight mattresses in EVERY bedroom in my house. Get 27% off when you visit Helix Sleep and take the sleep quiz to see what you need!  I took Thorne supplements way before I worked at Ramsey. I’m stoked that we can work together now! Get 25% off for LIFE at Thorne.    Head over to Poncho Outdoors to try the best outdoor performance shirt for yourself!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm wondering how to navigate through an unsure season with my boyfriend as he's recently made the decision to put everything into his music career. This happens whether you're 22. This happens when you've been married to like some regular old middle manager who suddenly gets to be the vice president. And so the question I always want to ask is, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, amidst the world on fire. Here's my promise. I'll sit with you in the smoke and the ash of what's going on in your home, in your heart and mind, in your marriages, and your relationships with your kids, your neighborhoods, wherever. And we will figure out what's the next right move.

And by the way, I'm in this too. I'm a husband trying to figure out how to do that right. I'm a dad, two young kids. I'm trying to run a business. I'm trying to be a good team member. Like, I'm in the middle of all that too. And so it's not like I'm coming at people from above with all of this, like, wisdom from the stars.

This is me pulling up a seat next to you at the table saying, yeah, me too, man. Let's figure this out. So if you want to be on the show, if you want to pull up a seat and have a conversation, go to John Deloney.com slash ask. That's a D-E-L-O-N-Y.com slash ask. All right, let's go out to Ontario, Canada and talk to Ella, Ella, Ella. What's up, Ella? Hi, how are you, Dr. John? I'm good. How are you?

Good. It's such an honor to talk to you. My boyfriend actually showed me this show, and now I'm the one calling in with a question. Well, you're dating somebody very wise. Well done. That's awesome. Thanks for being in our gang. What's up? So, just to sum it up, I'm wondering how to navigate through an unsure season with my boyfriend, as he's recently made the decision to put everything all into his music career. Tell me more about that. So basically, my boyfriend and I have been together since we were 16 and 17. We went to the same high school, grew up in the same town,

and then started at the same university, only an hour from our hometown. Although we're still young, we've always been goal-oriented towards marriage and starting a family. Because of the unstable environment I grew up in, I've always always. has been in more of a hurry than he was, but we talked about getting married as soon as possible once we are both done university. Now, here's where it gets interesting. My boyfriend is an incredibly talented musician and songwriter

and has always wanted to make that his full-time job. Knowing that that's a slippery slope, he started university instead while also doing music on the side. In the past year, he entered a music competition that changed the trajectory of his music career and made the decision to drop out of university to put more time and energy into his music. so he could still earn some money on the side until his income is stable.

He moved back to our hometown and back with his parents so he can work construction with his dad's company. I still have one semester left, so we are now living in different towns. Now we are kind of in a stalemate position where we wait until the moment he knows he has a steady income. With it being my last semester and having a full-time job set up for January, this is where I always thought we would get engaged and start thinking about starting family. Since his income is up in the air right now and we don't know what things are going to look like down the road, he says he would like to wait until he can provide a steady income. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, stop reading to me. I want you to talk to me.

Okay. Just tell me what's going on in your heart and mind. Is it the fact that he's getting famous all of a sudden and now you're exposed? Is it that you had this plan and it's all going away? Is it, oh, this is the part where we break up? Like, tell me what's going on in your heart and mind. I think it's the part where I had this all planned out. There you go. yeah and it's not going that way no yeah do you still want to be with him absolutely do you want to be with him if he goes on the road and you'll get to see each other two weekends every six months for the next three years while he tries to make this thing work absolutely okay i think to me getting that end and by the way this happens whether you're how old are you 22 23 uh 21 turning 22 okay this happens whether you you're 22 this happens whether you're married to somebody who um is a baller at like CEO or

associate vice president and has a baby and it's like hey I want to stay at home this happens when you've been married married like some kind of just a regular old middle manager who suddenly gets to be the vice president or the president and also there's a lot of eyes on you right it's this my life as I have it mapped out when I choose to do life with somebody else it the the the ticket to that ride is it will not look how I mapped it out and this is what's important for you if that map has been what has kept you sane from an unruly childhood or an unsafe childhood it can feel like your whole world is coming down yep and so the question I always want to ask is are you going to leave never okay so if you're if you are in it with this guy then the path

is y'all sit down, and here's what I would strongly recommend. And this is recommending this from a guy who five years ago had no social media, zero. None. I didn't have anything. And I just crossed the five million mark across the platforms. I'm a guy who four years ago did not know what a YouTube channel was. I didn't know what that was. And we just crossed 800 million views.

Okay. Here's what I'm telling you. I would sit down with your boyfriend slash the person you want to spend the rest of your life and commit to making 90-day plans. Okay. Because everything's going to change. Every 90-day, every three months, you're going to realize this is different. This is worse.

This is better. This is humongous. This is scary. And it changes. And so instead of saying, well, it's going to be like this for the next 50 years, I promise you, whatever you have in your head is not going to be. And so sitting down and saying, hey, I am committed to us forever. And I also have a need for some sort of stability because my body is still reeling from being a kid in a chaotic world.

Every 90 days, I want us to sit down and put everything on the table and say, do we still love each other? Are we still committed to this? And what is real in this upcoming season? Yep. So when he first made that decision to go all in with it, we actually did say that at the end and start of every month, we would kind of set new goals for the next month and kind of reflect on it. Love that. At the start of the month. But, I mean, I feel like we don't really know where to start in terms of what to plan out for the month, if that makes sense.

Like, we just kind of had like a few things, just a few little things, like trying to, where, like, texting throughout the day and giving, like, little updates is important to him. We tried to work on that for a month. And nightly phone calls were important to me, so we tried to fit that in at the end of his business. many days as possible as well but kind of I don't know how to go further than that I mean I think you have to ask yourself what are your individual personal goals inside this relationship and so you have to ask yourself to I want to drop out of university and I mean you're talking I have plans with this guy versus I'm going all in on you like I'm going to pause university and I'm going to go in the bus with you around the world and he may say I don't want you to do that that didn't feel comfortable

to me or I would love that or you might say I still want to be a teacher or a physician or an attorney or whatever you want to do and so I'm going to go full speed doing that what I what there's a balance between being intentional about human connection and turning each other into a chore because what I don't want him to do is get off stage at 10 o'clock and have somebody run up backstage and say, hey, some big media outlet is here. And like, here's a big moment. And yet he's like, well, I've got to do that. You see what I'm saying? Right. And if you're not intentional, he'll just find people to chit chat with and talk and fans. And that's the recipe for I haven't talked to you in five days. So it's a really thin line, fine balance. And I'm going to be honest,

me and my wife haven't figured it out yet either. I'm all over the country. And we haven't figured it out either. So it's a constant renegotiation. And sometimes I want to talk more in certain seasons. That's why every couple of months it's good like, hey, I'm hitting the road. I'm going to talk every night. Cool. And then sometimes it's let's just text. But I think you have to be honest about, okay, separate from this relationship, because we are still just dating. What are my goals to get a degree? What are my goals to have a job? What are my like and start continuing on your path towards that well at the same time to setting up check-ins like like bigger broader conversations down the road um and then i guess what i want to prep you for is this isn't a straight line meaning even like

Metallica i'm wearing the shirt right now they've had albums that flopped and they've had albums they put out that went stratospheric that went to them to mars and so you can't plan for either of those things. And you also can't plan for just a steady, steady climb or the steady, steady descent. That's why just coming back together is so important. But be prepared for, hey, how do you want me to love you when you get news that you got kicked off this showcase or your record label dropped you? How do you want me to celebrate with you when you get news that you just got picked up on a big tour? But I'm kind of sad because I'm not going to see you for four months. Like some of those nuts some bolts are great and then have the conversation about um how far off do we like i want to talk about

marriage i want to get married to you and be your wife i know you just said you want to shelve everything for a while and see this music thing out when is can we put on the calendar the next time we're going to talk about it because i don't want to feel like i want to look up and have it be three years and we haven't talked about a wedding so let's put on the calendar for six months and let's revisit where are we let's put on a calendar for nine months let's revisit it again and it's putting some things on the calendar with asterisk that can keep you not from feeling like I'm caught in a forever loop, but it can stay seasonal because no matter how cold it is in February, we all know it's going to warm up in April. And so just having things on the calendar ahead of us is so

powerful. Congratulations, Ella. And my wife has had some of the greatest years of her life thus for years and has had some really tough seasons as a scrutiny and people thinking they can say things to her just because she's attached to me, like all that. So buckle up and the more y'all talk about this on a regular basis, the better shot you both have to stay together and create an amazing relationship over time. We come back, a man is struggling to move past his partner's history so they can build a future together.

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let's go back to Canada this time in Alberta and talk to Mitchell hey Mitchell what's up man hey how's it going great how are you I'm not too bad so yeah just a general question about a relationship

I've been seeing a girl for about eight or nine months now she is 10 years older than me it has been going fantastic but I noticed a weird feeling I got when I bought tickets to a football game And, you know, like she mentioned, she's been there a couple times before to see said football game. I kind of got like a weird feeling about it, not like a feeling of inadequacy or jealousy,

more like a feeling of I'm kind of just retracing her steps. So now I feel like there's a little bit more pressure to personalize dates or situations with her. And I'm just kind of curious if that's maybe normal or if there's steps I can take to, you know, work past that feeling. I mean, how old are you? I'm 26. 26, so she's 36? Yes. How'd y'all meet?

Online, yeah. Perfect. You both swiped right? Yeah. Excellent. And so y'all been together nine months? Are you all dating exclusively? Yeah, yeah, we're exclusive.

We're taking it really slow. We both have one child each. So, you know, we recently just introduced them. so it's going really well in that regard they get along so that's great okay so when you you said you're not jealous i'm not jealous it's cool man but you're feeling inadequate no i don't think it's inadequacy either i think it's what i'm feeling is a lot of pressure now to personalize whatever date we go on if that makes sense i would hope but hold i would hope you would personalize any date you go on that's fair yeah like tell me about is it that you can't

can't is it the old tricks on the school yard the old tricks in university like don't work with someone who has knows all the lower level moves and now is asking i want you to see me for who i am and get to know me and then let's like i want every day to go on with my wife to be somewhat personal right and we've been together 27 28 years of course yeah so tell me like it sounds like you feel inadequate but you don't want to say it or you're wondering you're wondering if she had a better time with somebody else at the same game and the same seat

no no definitely not okay again it's more like if she's been here before what can I do to make it better this time right and I feel like there's just more pressure now in regards to that and it used to be like if we were planning a date it was nothing it was like okay we're going out we're going to have a great time we're going to experience something together and it's going to be awesome but now every time i plan something i got to think like okay if she's been here before what can i do to make it better than the last time right yes and this is a classic male dilemma can i tell you what it is okay yes please she chose you and all

you can see is being with her through the lens of a performance you are what's different at that soccer game. Your laughter, your youthful exuberance, your joy, you're fill in the blank. Right. But for you, you're looking for, how can I, where's the fireworks? Where is the jets flying over? And I'll tell you, if you pursue that, eventually that runs out of gas and you're going to start feeling dead in your own skin. And that's when you're going to pick up that phone and swipe right on somebody else. I guarantee it. Gotcha. if you if you will exhale into this crazy notion that she chose you for you and that you are the differentiating factor at these football games

and at the dinners and you are going to get to know her well and not look for moonshots but look for tiny little wins where you say like i see you and i know you that's my big question is why the football game did you even want to go to that oh yeah she's a big fan i'm not okay awesome so this is all for her awesome that's fantastic and so um most men most of the time feel a that everything we do from work to the dishes to sex everything is seen through the lens of performing and the most common complaint i hear from women from wives from girlfriends is i can't connect to that that guy because he's in and this is my language because he's always on a stage

he's never in the audience with me next to me it's always a performance it's always glancing over to see his abs in the mirror it's always it's always am i and here's the question underneath performance am i enough right and bro i'm in my late 40s and i am still wrestling with that question If you can solve that for you at 26, 27, you will win. Tell me about your kid. Little boy, little girl? Little boy, yeah, he'll be seven in August. The greatest gift you can give that boy is to look him in the eye

and put your hands on his face every single day and say, I love you. By the way, my son is 15. He's humongous. He's like big, muscular, he's taller than me now, which I can't even believe. I'm 6'2. He's already bigger than me. And this morning, as he was heading out to go get some miles in, I grabbed him and made sure I hugged him and told him I loved him.

And it felt awkward. He's a big, he's a man now. He's big. And still, I'm going to hug you because I love you. And you're never going to, like, even on the way for him to go perform this morning, it was like, hey, divorced from that stuff. Your dad loves you. You got value and worth beyond that stuff.

Now, you can go really let loose on that track. Right. Does that ring true at all? It does. It makes a lot of sense. Okay. there may be a conversation with her that you sit down and say you got 10 years on me

actually don't say that because she might stab you in the eye but be like I realized that I'm constantly trying to perform for you and we've been together for nine months and I'm really going to work on getting to know you and what you love and being with you, not at you, not over you.

And her jaw might just fall all the way to the floor. And that doesn't mean, by the way, for all men listening, that doesn't mean men don't have a lot to do. We still have to show up and go first. And we still have to go do, right? But it's doing from a place of with and four, not over. It's not a performance. Right, right.

She did kind of say the same thing when I did bring this up to her, right? But again, I just need to confirmation that, you know, I was kind of feeling something normal. You won't get this from any of the mansphere nonsense out there. No. It doesn't exist. It doesn't exist. The faulty thinking out in the mansphere is, if you flex enough and perform enough, then you will get the stuff that you want. and what I wanted to flip it around and say

when you are fully seen when somebody actually knows you and you have the courage to be seen and say things out loud that are scary and go do the next thing you can go do the next thing infinitely better infinitely longer infinitely more successfully

and it's like it's a weird paradox and I'm man I would do anything to be able to go back to be 26 and be having this conversation with myself because I spent so many years thinking my wife was into abs how much money I made

and my job titles and really the whole time she was into me and I was so scared of being seen as me I put all I went through all these layers and all these masks to try to say do you like me now? Do you like me now? And she's like I always loved you

and I was like okay yeah whatever check this out do you like me now and she's like I've always loved you and I was never able to like to feel that but it was it was because i was walking around masks on and it wasn't until the masks fell off i mean until they just literally crashed to the ground that i was finally able to say okay this is me you still love me and she said i've always loved you so brother you are there my man congratulations

you are what is different about those games you and instead of fireworks during a cool part in the game just quietly grab her hand by her side and that may be the great thing moment she's experienced at one of those games ever. Thanks for a call, brother. We come back. A woman is battling anger and fear as she tries to uplift the sun lost in addiction. All right, it's time for a quick word about delete me. Do you feel like your digital footprint is starting to feel like a digital trail,

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that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's join delete me.com slash deloney. All right, please, please, please take two seconds and hit the subscribe button there on YouTube. I've got some really lofty YouTube goals by the end of this year, and I can only do it with your help. If you'll take a second and hit the subscribe button on YouTube

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to your friends and neighbors who don't even know this show exists. So thank you so, so much. All right, let's go to Baltimore, Maryland, and get under the wire and talk to Sarah. Hey, Sarah, what's up? Hey, Dr. John. It's nice to talk to you.

It's great to talk to you. So here's my question. How can I effectively praise the positive qualities in my 17-year-old son, who is struggling with addiction, despite the challenge is his behavior has caused in my life, my deep concerns for his future and definitely anger that I am holding. Yeah. Man, I just, just last night, I was at dinner. It was just me and my son. We went to grab some Mexican food at a tiny little place here in Nashville, literally a hole in the wall. And he asked me what's been bothered me. And I said, it's becoming increasingly clear that I can't, I can control what comes in out of my home, but that he's heading into a world that is, just has no breaks. Yeah.

And that he's going to have to make choices, and it scares me. And I think that I, you know, I thought I could control what was coming in out of my home. And I've gotten a different lesson. it's not a new thing for us it's been a really challenging four or five years and my son does have ADHD and anxiety and major depressive disorder and all the way back to fourth grade

he said that you know the people what people see on the outside is not how he feels on the inside so addiction for him is this is going to sound crazy okay so go with me but addiction What's his drug of choice?

Mostly marijuana, but it's increased to other types of experiments. Okay. So marijuana, by and large, has been the solution to his problems. And he wouldn't keep doing it if at some level it didn't work. And the most harrowing thing when I've talked to parents whose children are struggling with some sort of addiction is... The thing both is working and it will kill my kid. And it's been my experience and you can tell me if this doesn't ring true that underneath everything when a parent is trying to make the next right decision for, especially for a late teenager who's about to head into adulthood, about to leave the house, right? Do whatever they want.

Right. Is a sense of what did I do? Very much. Like a sense of shame that's really heavy. Yeah, it's really heavy because. My husband and I are, we, you know, we, we never, like, I've never even had a cigarette. Yeah. So we don't model that behavior.

But it's not about that, though. It's not about that behavior. Because it behavior is a solution to, ugh. Yeah. And where we are now, I mean, he's had continued therapy, you know, he's had medication management. He's done different programs. He's had long stretches of positive sobriety. Awesome.

And things took a pretty bad turn this last March, where he started using again, after not using for a very long time, a good, like, nine months. Was there a triggering event in March? No, I mean, he started, he kind of got his hands on it over Christmas break because he was bored. He doesn't do this socially. He only does it solo, total solitary thing. And he even asked at that time in January to go to an inpatient, excuse me, not an inpatient, but like an intensive outpatient program. And that didn't solve it for him.

And he sort of slid into more suicidal ideology. And he had to go to an inpatient hospitalization program in March and then led into a successful residential rehab program. But over the last four or five years, you know, things that I would never thought he would have done, he is done. I live in a house that I never thought I would live in as much as we put all the protective factors we could think of in place. You know, all of our medication is locked. I lock my keys. I lock on my wallet. He has no access to money. We've locked our spray paint so he can't get high on that. And I know that from the books that I've read, the family therapy that we've done,

what he is saying to us, which is, you know, why can't you guys ever see the good? You're living in the past. And, you know, we don't trust him. There's no part of us that would be even rational to trust him. That said, we take leaps of faith all the time, realizing that it is his choice, that he is going to have to do the work, that he can't prove himself unless we let him prove himself. But when you say leaps of faith, give me an example. Leaps of faith. Hey, I'd like to, you know, take the train to go see my friends.

okay we'll let you take the train because he doesn't drive because we're not going to let him get a license yeah so can i can i flip this around a little bit because here's there's everybody gets stuck in a dance it happens in marriages it happens with students and teachers it happens with parents and kids every all of us are all getting stuck in a dance we get stuck in our dance with our bosses right um he lives in a failure factory that's inside of his own skin right and because you love him and want to keep him safe you take away the sharp edges of the world so that he won't literally trip and fall on yeah and that's the right thing to do and that also tells his exterior that he lives in a failure factory out there too and it builds and it builds

and it builds and then he says kind of take a train and you're like yep and then it explodes and i don't know how this i've never been able to figure this out but it's amazing if you not if you've smoked weed a couple of times but if you're a regular user you can walk into a room and look across that room of 200 people and go there's one there's one there's one cocaine coke folks are the best they're unbelievable at it they walk into a room and go that dude's got it that dude's got it and they're always right it's astonishing to me but it just is what it is and so then the external world when he fails over christmas break he gets really bored and he's with a buddy and he takes the train

he's doing it all by himself and he's proving to himself and then he gets a whole bunch of weed and goes home and hides it and he white knuckles it from the end of January into February and it's dark and cold and miserable and lonely then he proves to himself that he's a failure and that triggers that entire cascade of

I shouldn't be here I'll never be able to do this et cetera et cetera so here's the thing you're y'all are trapped because you have to do those things you have to keep money away from him for his sanity for safety and you have to keep drugs away from them the best you can right as good as you can um here's a couple of things i would put on the table as potential well called little wins but little wins that are going to mean a humongous deal to his nervous system is that cool

okay you don't have to do this and you're going to have to this is the hard part as the adult you're going to have to say i'm really pissed off i'm really deeply angry and i've got shame circulating through my bloodstream that few parents can can fully grasp how thick that is how much it hurts right and then what's the next right thing so the first thing is constantly be looking for not action i mean not actions but efforts to praise okay the phrase i see you followed by worked really hard tried so hard really um really gritted it out, you're always praising effort so that his identity doesn't get wrapped up in the next action because as a kid who's known since fourth grade, his body doesn't feel

the way reality actually is. He knows that he's untrustworthy when it comes to the next right action. So we're going to praise effort all the time. The second thing is this. What if you gave him a job like this? Hey, honey, I need to borrow your nervous system will you do mom a favor and let's watch an old rerun of the office and I want you to hold my hand for the whole episode please and what you're doing is you're giving him a job that he 100% can be successful at and he's doing something for you and by the way he carries tremendous guilt for you guys too he just doesn't know how to carry it and it's a tiny low hey son this is a crazy thing will you this is your husband saying like son will you come

help me with this thing i can't do this without you it would mean the world to me if you would help me out dad i don't want to i know i know this isn't for you this is for me um and what we're doing is we're giving him tiny wins on an action he's taking but here's the important thing those actions are relational in nature they're not drive across town on a train and hopefully you make a good decision. You still got to let him do that. He's about to be 18. He's going to get on whatever train he wants to.

Correct. But I want him to feel how good it is when he's in the business of serving somebody else. And if at the end of the office episode or whatever, your show y'all watching your house, whatever, at the end of that, if you'll look at him and say, your old mama really needed that, thank you for loving me.

Send him on. Okay. That gives him, he will feel a sense. of electricity through his body that he's probably never felt or hadn't felt in years because he doesn't know how to win relationally, he doesn't know how to win

action-wise, and he doesn't know how to win substance-wise. Okay. And so let's give him a bunch of tiny relationship wins. Yeah, it's, you know, he's, he's said this to me before too where he's like, you keep saying

it's going to get better and it never gets better. And I said, you know, you're like the worst juxtaposition of your life. You're 17. You had all these hormones. You get all this stuff, he has all this angst, plus you've got all these other challenges on top of it.

And so it's really difficult. Actually, it just depends on which version you're getting that day. That's right. And the other thing is that it's exhausting to live there. It is kind of, it's so, yes. And can I just give you permission as a mom? I know you have this like, you're in a guilt, shame, spiral that's so powerful. You don't want to even go to your own house.

yeah you don't like the house you live in and then there's that like oh if you're a real if you're a real mom you would love listen those voices are nonsense and they're wrong it's right to be scared to go into your own house when you're with the 17 year old you're worried every time you open the doors you're going to be alive you're not crazy and there's not something wrong with you okay okay yeah and i you know i've heard you talk about that picture that you thought you were going to have And to grieve that. And I just feel like I have to keep grieving the next picture over and over and over again. And they're okay.

What if you set the paintbrush down for a bit? Okay. Because that picture puts a ton of pressure on you and on him. And he's not in a place to carry any pressure. And honestly, you're not either right now. And so I want you also, by the way, you doing something like, hey, will you hold my hand while we watch a show? Honey, I'm going to pay you $10, but you come rub my shoulders. You're going to give you $10?

I am. You can't use it on drugs because that's weird because you're rubbing your mom's shoulders, but I need a shoulder rub. I'm going to give him some tiny, tiny little wins that are relational and touch-centric and he may say no. And you have to decide that's not an indictment of you. That's just the version of him you got that day. That's fine.

Yep. I've done a lot of growth in that area. There you go. I'll tell you. I've done a lot of growth in that area of not taking things personally. I took a personal when my one-year-old didn't want me to hug. So I'm there with you. I get it. But it's, I'm going to come back the next day. Hey, will you please help your mom out? Your mom, your old mom needs to hold your hand, your hand. I need your borrow your nervous system because you make me feel calm. Really? Yes. Would you love your old mom like that? Fine.

and all the eye rolls and all the I don't want to is and mama makes me anxious I know just for me and if you're safe if you're a safe person both of you win there yeah yeah and I know when he needs it too I mean he's giant and yet he you know when he's having a good day

or sometimes even when he's not having a good day like he'll come into my room he'll climb into my bed he still wants a hug that's right um you know and then there's other days where like you know it's all your fault and of course uh you know i can't say anything right and i'm doing it wrong again but can i give you can i give you an outlet on that yeah if you'll look at him and say hold on one second hold on one second and you pull out your watch not your phone but your watch and say all right you got five minutes i understand that you think i'm the worst i want to hear it you got five minutes go

What it will do, it will begin to put a boundary on it. And what he needs to know is when he has these humongous, powerful feelings that few people in the world can understand if you don't struggle with addiction. They're so powerful that he can begin to get control over him. And so when you say, all right, you got five minutes to rip me apart, go. I don't want it. No, no, no, no. I'm the worst.

I get it. You get five minutes, go. And let him just rip. And then at five minutes, you'd be able to go, okay, time's up, time's up. And he'll stop. He will, won't he? Yeah, yeah, he will. And the other thing that's really sort of maddening is that it's the inconsistency of sometimes he'll come to you and he'll, you know, he'll either tell you something he's thinking of doing or that he has done, but he hasn't fully transacted it yet.

So he allows us to be part of it. And then the other stance is like, I have to do this on my own. I'm doing it on my loan. It's my decision. You know, you don't help me. The words you use don't help. Sure. I mean, there have been times where I can't tell you how many times Dr. John.

I mean, he's come to me at 10, 11, 1 o'clock in the morning, and we're having these feelings, we're having these thoughts, and we take a walk. I cannot tell you how many times I have walked at one, two, whatever in the morning, but then there's these periods of time where he won't. And, and again, I guess I just need to take this down to much tinier. tinier, tiner. Well, here's the thing. If you wait for him to come for your help,

it will come intermittently. Right, okay. If you go to him and say, I need you, what he's going to get in very micro doses is a purpose, a sense of value that he doesn't have. And the fact that he shows up every once in a while at 1 a.m. is the most annoying thing in the world for a mom who's exhausted trying to get some sleep,

also that means he knows deep down you're safe and you'll go for a walk with him he knows that and at some sometimes he has to override that impulse to come talk to you and do the next thing that might get him hurt yeah and so by it by the way you doing micro things like that hey will you help me with dinner i need you to hold this for me while i while i cut this thing or what if you give him a couple of mic that's not going to heal this whole thing right but it will begin his body will my prediction is maybe way out to lunch that it will go that feels so good and then he'll fight that

and he'll be like I'm not helping you because even feeling good is a way that it feels foreign there's part of him that doesn't want to feel good and I know that sounds bananas but if you've never worked with folks of addiction that doesn't make any sense but it does but it's constantly

showing up and say it no no I need your help I see value in you I see a little purpose here in you can you help me with this Hey, you're big and tall. I need you to help me undo these jars. I don't want to. I know.

And it's slow, slow, slow. And of course, be there when he knocks on the door at 1 a.m. It's maddening. But those are magic, magic moments. You're a great mom, Sarah. Hang in there. Call anytime. We'll be right back.

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some dentures appointment or something kelly am i the problem go for it we'll find out okay so this is from diane in pittsburgh pennsylvania she writes i have shared with my husband for years how I would love and appreciate if he would take pictures of me and the kids. I'm always the one to capture special moments with him and our daughters, but in order for me to have pictures that I actually like, I have

to constantly give him my phone and tell him to take the picture. We recently went to Disney and when we were on our first ride, I asked him to please take pictures of me and the girls and he said, okay. When I asked him for his phone a couple days later, he did not take a single photo and it really upset me.

Am I the problem? I think there's a generational divide here What do you think? I'm interested to know Because you're 40 years younger than me What do you think? I see her side I would be really frustrated

Of like why can't you just take a picture of me It's not that hard But I would also Just be curious on what the miscommunication is of honestly like what his problem is But also Is she putting way too much stock in photos and taking photos and like that's all she wants to do

because then if I was him I would be like I'm done taking pictures so I would just I would need some more information So this exact thing has happened in my house And it like the exact hey all the pictures Are of you and the of me and the kids And my wife and the kids aren't in any of them I need you to start taking more pictures And A

I am quote unquote on And this is before I worked here I'm on at every job I'm on all the time when i get those sacred holy moments where i get to be with my wife and kids it is such a laser beam and every single place i turn i'm being told put put your phone away and be present put your phone away and be present put your phone away and be present and so i literally do the best i can to do that and then it's like oh but also also do this like keep a like be the um you know the anthropological association here and keep all the records of it like so i have always i have felt

a lot and it wasn't until I told my wife, hey, I'm doing everything I can to be fully present here and to be in this moment, not to capture it. If you see a moment coming up, let me know of this moment because I don't want to be the guy walking on with my phone trying to capture everything and then actually missing it in real time. And that was a great exchange for us because my wife's like, okay, I really honor the fact that you're trying to be here fully. Now, if I'm over here on my phone checking sports scores and I'm like, no, dude, I'm trying to, then I'm just an idiot right but if she's trying to get some highlight reels for her instagram and her husband's trying to be present you actually got a pretty awesome guy um but i've been on the other side of that too

where my wife's like hey there are no pictures of me and the kids because nobody else takes them but me that was a fair call-up but i just asked her for a little bit further roadmap of hey i'm about to get on this roller coaster with these two you stand right here and take pictures this i'm like all right i got it so it's a little being a little bit more specific that's i don't know what do you think about this a bunch. My wife was a photographer for years and years on Instagram and that

it became a lot, especially once we had kids. So she tried to pull back from that super minimalist phone, all of that, no photos. But then we miss stuff. Yeah. And so now we are having this

conversation often because we don't want to miss the thing and the memory but also we don't want to be in our phones. So we have cameras that we carry around a lot, thankfully. Oh, nice, okay. So you all just switch the device. That's actually a great idea.

Yeah, that helps it be way more intentional. Hey, husband, here's a camera around your neck old school. And that way you're not on your phone. And this thing is, that's a great idea, man. I didn't even thought of that. And my wife is a photographer, so we kind of already had that. Yeah. But it's helpful.

That's a great idea. So that's my thought on it. I think it's context dependent, but I don't know. I don't like having my phone out in public, so I'm going to blame her. That just makes me feel better, but, hey, listen, if at all possible, be present in the moment without your phones. And also, I mean, seriously, just last night, my wife and a family friend and my son and I were going through old photos from back when I was in college. And it was awesome to have them. So there is a balance here.

I love, Andrea, I love your idea of carrying an actual camera. Keep those stupid phones away. And then if you want to capture a moment, there's a level of intentionality. That sounds awesome. Love you guys. Bye.