The Dr. John Delony Show - My Dad Married a Woman Half His Age

Episode Date: January 21, 2022

In today’s episode, we talk with one caller who’s struggling with feelings of rejection after their dad started a new family with a younger woman, as well as a wife whose husband’s bipolar disorder is hurting their family. My Dad married a woman half his age & said he now has the family he’s always wanted How can I break my sugar addiction and help my kids avoid it? My husband’s Bipolar disorder is out of control. How can I protect our family? "Worker's Song" - Dropkick Murphys Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a young man who wants to mend his relationship with his dad. We also talk to a woman who is pregnant and struggling with sugar addiction. We talk to a woman who's married to a man with bipolar disorder, and she wants to know how to live inside the chaos. Stay tuned. What is up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. So glad you're with us on a rainy, rainy day in Nashville. Hope the sun is shining wherever you are. It's not too cold, not too hot. I hope it's just right. I guess this is the Goldilocks show too. Gosh. I'm trying to level this thing up. And every time, I think I'm that much of a dork.

Whatever. James, good to see you. Jenna, filling in for the one and only. You are the new one and only. It's good to see you. You make my heart feel good. And James, with the headphone extension today, that was huge. That was huge.

After two years, you thought, I'm going to love him that much. Will you tell everybody what my favorite part of the headphone extension was? That you have to sit on it the right way? Is that what you mean? No, that's the old way. My favorite is when you said, and I quote, I've had this in my drawer. I thought this might help. The number of meetings we've had about, and I quote, I've had this in my drawer. I thought this might help.

The number of meetings we've had about, you're awesome, James. It's awesome. Thank you for caring about us. America, if you want to know, what does a producer do? That. They think about ideas for, I don't know, a couple of years, and they think, now's the time. It's time to pull it out of the drawer. And, Jenna, huge, for our first call up here, you put what country they're from.

That was big time. I hadn't thought of that, and I always get confused, and that was huge, Jenna. Thank you so much. So we're going to go to Steven in Greenville, South Carolina, United States of America. What's up, Steven? How you doing today? I'm good, my brother. How are you? I'm good. I know you're probably excited about this,

that poetic win by Oliveira over Poirier on the weekend. It was not very poetic, man. But hey, I'll call it what it is. Guy's good, man. Guy's real good. And Poirier's real good, too, man. It's tough to get Poirier to roll over. Man, hats off to Oliveira. Who are you rooting for?

I was rooting for Oliveira. You would. You would, Steven. That's all right. What's up, dude? So I'm calling in, trying to figure out how to mend a relationship. My dad's in a relationship with somebody that's, I don't know if you'd say half his age, more than half his age, or less than half his age. How old is that person in relation to you? Are you all the same age?

No, they're seven years older than me. My dad's 71. They're 30. You're 23? Yes, sir. Is that weird? It is. Of course it is. She has a five-year-old daughter in the situation as well.

Okay. So, yeah, man, you and I could hang out and have a beer and talk about this for a long time. So what's your question? What's the best way to mend that? Because additionally to that, he said that he has the family that he's always wanted. Oh, man, that's way to go, dad. So when you say men, tell me more about that. So, well, I'm on a speaking term with him. Okay.

I go see him for his birthday. We'll meet up for lunch on my birthday. But I guess another additional part of this question would be that my sister hasn't really spoken to him in two years. Because that was a big fallout with him. So just the whole family ordeal. I'm the only one that goes over for Christmas and like I said, birthdays and stuff. Yeah.

And we'll talk on the phone occasionally, but it doesn't extend past that. Have you done something that violated your dad's trust in you? I haven't. Have you done something that would violate the values that a son, like the respect and dignity a son gives to his dad?

No, sir, because when all this started, we actually had a business where we were working together, and then that was the fallout of that as well. So the heartbreaking thing here, brother, is this. Your dad chose a new family, and there's nothing you can mend here because you didn't break it right and for whatever reason your old man has decided to cut ties from his original family and to create

a new one and whether it's in his head or whether he's trying to relive something by hooking up with somebody 40 years younger than him, like whatever it happens to be. Unfortunately, man, it's not your, not only is it not your job, you can't. Paint me a picture of what you wish it would look like. I mean, just more of a, more inclusive where we can actually go down, go out with him, have a dinner or something. But he told you he wants the other family. Right. Why don't you have dinner with him?

Is he a jerk when y'all are out together? Does he say no all the time? Is he some kind of racist, bigot, idiot? What are the things that keep y'all from getting together? Well, ever since they've gotten into a relationship, he's become, I guess you'd say, vulgar. He chooses to cuss a lot, get mad at things that aren't a big deal. On my birthday, we were just sitting there eating

because where we happened to go was closed on the inside, so we sat in the vehicle and ate. And he saw somebody walking up, didn't like the way they liked, got upset about, kind of mad about that. And it's just, he's changed. So it's not the enjoyable guy he used to be. What changed in him? Like, what happened?

I don't know. Ever since this relationship, it's like he's always on edge. And his favorite line he likes to go to is because i mean a lot of people don't talk to him as much as they used to his favorite line he likes to say is that nobody ever asked him if he's happy but he's happy now and he just keeps saying that over and over and over almost like he's trying to Exactly, yes, sir. Oh, man. So here's what you got to do. And you've heard me say this a thousand times.

You're going to have to process this and grieve this. Any relationship with your dad, there's a picture in your head of what you would love to see, and it's not going to happen. Unless your dad gets struck by lightning and has this moment where he's like, what am I doing? And unfortunately, you see this happen all the time, all the time, all the time. Did you have a lot of money, by the way? Not that I'm aware of. Well, maybe this 30-year-old new wife of his looked up and just like, I love 70-year-old men

and this is my ride. Maybe that's it. Man. But you're going to have to have this picture. You're going to have to grieve it and you're going to have to say, this isn't what my life has bared out and this isn't what we drew it up.

This is what we wanted. This is what we deserve, man. We deserve a dad that loves us and wants to talk to us and wants to be with their kids. You didn't get that, man. And I'm heartbroken for you. And then the next thing to do is to live in a picture that's reality. And this is all you can control is what's going forward. And, you know, I recommend this all the time.

I'd recommend you write him a letter. You probably aren't going to send it. Get that stuff out and then sit with your sister and say, what are we working through? And then I'd find a couple of other men who are older than you in age and connect with those dudes.

And maybe it's the first season. Maybe they break up in a year or two and he comes back to you and says, what in the world is I doing? And then you get to walk down the road of forgiveness and reconnection, all that, but he's going to have to do the reconnecting. You're just his son, and you've treated him with dignity and with respect, and you continue to, and he's chosen a different path, and he's,

I can't imagine looking at my two little kids and saying, finally, I get the family I wanted. I can't even wrap my head around that. That didn't even sound honest. That sounds like a hurting old man who's trying to make sense of his place. Sorry, brother. Wish I had better news for you, man. You're a good man. Keep being a good man. Keep treating people with dignity and respect.

We'll see you soon. Be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. All right, we are back. And hey, before we take the next call, I'd like to publicly apologize for being mean to James. Off air, he said, I need you to apologize to me publicly. That's not true, number one. Number two, you just ruined the apology.

I'd like to apologize to James. He did, for a couple of years, have this cord in his desk that has made my day better. He did. And he did choose to not even think to give it to me. But today he did think of it. And I need to, I can't, I got to own the past. I got to live in the present. And I'm going to choose to be grateful moving forward.

So James, thanks for thinking of me. You're not even going to respond to that. You're just going to nod gently. All right, let's go to Sarah in Wichita, Kansas. What's up, Sarah? Sarah. Hey, Dr. D. Oh, there you are.

What's up? Sorry. Don't be sorry. What are you up to? Oh, just waiting to go to work. Excellent. So what's up? How can I help you this morning?

Well, I was wondering how I can stop my sugar addiction and if it's too late for my kids to not follow in the same steps as me. You realize you're, you, basically what you just did was you were like, hey, I am an active cocaine user and you went to the dealer to ask how to break your addiction.

Sarah, I'm an addict too, so it's good to talk to you. My name is John, and I too have a problem. So tell me about your sugar addiction. That's why I called. Oh, thanks for kicking me on down. Hey, so what are you—, tell me what's going on. Basically, I have a lot of stress, and I use my stress as, well, I use sugar to basically cope with my stress. Tell me about your stress.

I know that I shouldn't. Well, tell me about your stress. What do you do? Tell me about your stress. I know that I shouldn't. Well, tell me about your stress. I have a nine-year-old that has a lot of behavioral problems. He's a great kid. We just, there's some sort of disconnection there that we, my husband and I, just can't seem to figure out. And I am definitely a fixer. I'm trying to, constantly trying to figure out who to take him to next as far as a doctor or a therapist.

And it just, we don't really get anywhere. So that's it. What about before that? How's your marriage? Good. My husband and I have been married for five years. My son was from a previous marriage. I have

a nine-year-old and an eight-year-old from a previous marriage. And then I have a three-year-old and a baby on the way. Good God almighty. You have people everywhere. Is your nine-year-old still in communication with dad? No. He gave up all rights and my husband adopted him in February of this year. That's awesome. How long? So I guess three or four years you were single mom in it? No. Actually, my ex-husband left me in 2015,

and I met my husband at the end of 2015 online. Okay. And then moved from Ohio to Kansas from November to July of 2016, we got married. So pretty quickly, but he's a wonderful, complete opposite of my ex-husband. And he's just, he's really great. I want you to try something. This isn't why you called, but I want you to give something a shot. Will you take a 30-day shot at something for me? Yeah.

For 30 days, I want you and your husband to be a part of this. I want both of you to contribute to this, okay? Okay. That nine-year-old of yours, I want you in the morning to let him know he has to have a 30-second hug with you. Okay. And I want you to put your bare hands on the back of his bare neck. Okay? Okay.

And your husband has to do it too, his dad. 30 seconds. And then right when he gets home from school, you have to do it again. And then right before bed, you have to do it again. Okay. So that's three solid minutes of hand-to-hand hugging a day for 30 days. One other thing. One of y'all has to go for a walk with him every day.

It could be a short walk. it could be a long walk whatever if you do this for 30 days I may be out to lunch and on Mars but I would be stunned if there wasn't a dramatic decrease in spin up with your 9 year old

okay most of the my guess is in spin-up with your nine-year-old. Okay. Most of the, my guess is he's on high alert for connection. Yeah. Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah. Give that a shot. It may be a complete waste of time,

and if it is, you've hugged your kid for 30 days. There's no loss there. My guess is I've seen it have dramatic effects. Even when you got it, you're like, oh, crap. And you forget and you got to go back and be like, hold on, we got to get our morning hug. And it feels like a chore, do it anyway. And tell your husband, no side hugs, front hugs only. Okay, so how do you cut out sugar addiction? Two things have helped, okay? One, you may have heard me talk about it. I don't even know if this episode's aired.

I had working with the guy named Dr. Gus Vickery out of North Carolina. He's a savant. He's maybe the best doctor I've ever sat down. I know he's the best doctor I've ever sat down with. He's an savant. He's maybe the best doctor I've ever sat down. I know he's the best doctor I've ever sat down with. He's an extraordinary human. He did the most extensive blood work on me, genetic testing, and then he walked me through everything. He said, I've got something they call the cookie jar gene, meaning if it's open in my house, I'm going to demolish it.

And he said, you probably have seasons where I can grid it and have really remarkable willpower. I also have something else. I don't remember what it's sniper gene or military gene. I've got a darkness in me too. I'll say that Sarah. I can do hard things. But my tendency is always going to pull back to just polishing off the whole bag of whatever's there. And I started doing my own, like I kept a small journal. When was I reaching for this stuff? And for me, 100% of the time when I would just mindlessly reach for candy, cookies, whatever, had something relational going on.

Whether it was a relationship at work, whether it was, I'd find myself telling my wife about something that happened with a coworker and then boom, I'm reaching for something. My son would come in and say something, I'd get frustrated and I'd respond in a way I didn't like. And then my wife and I were talking about it, I'd be grabbing for something or with my daughter

or my wife and I get frustrated and I'd leave my room and then I'd go straight to the fridge. Every single thing was relational in nature. I've also heard, seen a few studies. I don't know how great the studies are, but they make sense to me. That fatigue, being tired or exhausted, your body is looking for quick prop-up energy. And so it just directs you towards the cheapest calorie it can find, which is often Oreos or Doritos. Do either of those sound up your alley?

Exactly to a T, and I'm 32 weeks pregnant, so the exhaustion definitely is there. Okay. But yeah, I mean, it feels like in the morning I'm I'm fine yeah I'll eat junk food but then I think oh yeah I'll just walk it off because I have all day to walk it off but it doesn't happen and then by the time I get off work get home it's like I don't know it's like I just feel like I'm in that mood, that bad mood constantly. And I don't want to take it out on my kids, but I just go and eat junk food instead. Right, right, right. Which, you know this, ultimately takes it out on your kids, right?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's just got a longer tail to it. So I want you to work on a few things. and some of these are going to be easier than others. The first one is this. This may be a hard conversation you have with your husband. It may be a hard conversation you have with a counselor. It may be a hard conversation you have with all three, with yourself and with a counselor and with your husband.

Why isn't home a place of safety and shoulders dropping? What is it about home that amps your body up? And what I want you to begin to do is solve for peace in your house. And some of those things were, like we implemented in my house, like I had to be able to walk in the door. I'd walk in and my kids were all every day.

Dad, can I have a snack? Can I have candy? Because my wife had said no. And so we actually implemented no questions. We have hugs when I walk in and then I go in my room and it gives me 10 seconds to toggle. And that ended up being enough. But I needed to be

very tactical about what is it about my house that's not safe. I also gotten this weird thing where I'd come home and I, we have one of these open houses and I could see my wife across the, she'd be doing something in the kitchen or doing something, you know, at her writing area. And I would see her posture and I would think, oh, she's already in a bad mood. And so then I would gently, or not even a bad mood, she's just busy doing something she doesn't want me around. And so I'd peel off and just be like, I'm going to mind my own business.

And it was that moment that there was a tiny, tiny gap between me and her. And over that evening, that gap would just grow wider and wider and wider. And then she would feel me kind of peeling off, and then she'd try to reach over, but she'd reach a little bit more abruptly. So it just created this gap.

And you know what solves that gap? Oh, my gosh, ice cream, for sure. Right? And so I committed to not putting words into her head. I committed to no matter how she, her body posture was, I said, hey, it's good to see you. And we hug right when I get home, that body contact, that body connection. And it might be a short hug. It might be a long hug depending on her day or my day, but we reach out and I lean across that thing, that gap. And she does too now. And that's a conversation for you and your husband. What are ways we can reconnect right when I get across that thing, that gap. And she does too now. And that's a conversation for you and your husband.

What are ways we can reconnect right when I get home that makes my body begin to anticipate home being a place of, not a place of, right? And then when it comes to sugar, here is the unfortunate, sad thing that you're gonna have to make peace with in your life. Scorched earth, avoidance. Never.

Or if you have a Thanksgiving and you make all the stuff, crush it, that meal, and then make sure everybody takes leftovers home. If you go buy a bag of candy, eat the whole thing in the car, or throw away half of it and then don't bring it home. If you go buy a bag of candy, eat the whole thing in the car or throw away half of it and then don't bring it home. And that's hard on my kids. It's hard on my wife. I hate it for them. And that's the world that that's the guy they married. Right. And so we just had to say, I can't have it in the house ever, ever, ever have it in the house. And then at work, I have usually have good boundaries. And when I don't, I just fall off the wagon.

Even like the great folks over here who run, there's like a lobby here at the studios and they've got coffee and cookies. When I go up to ask for a cookie, they'll ask, do you really want this? You know, cause I've asked them to help me be accountable. And often I'll say no, but occasionally I'm like, yes, and make it three. My rule of thumb is I don't want to ever fall off a wagon, but I don't mind parking it every once in a while and rolling around in the mud. Then I hose myself off and get back up and go. So I want to be intentional about it. But that starts with absolute abstinence for me on almost every day of the week. Yeah. So if you make peace with abstinence, then you go, what else am I going to fill this gap with?

And my hope is you begin to fill that gap with connectivity, with coloring with your kids, with laughter, with being able to be heard, say the things like, I'm frustrated right now, and I need to go for a walk. You begin to trade some of the healthy behaviors for Oreo behaviors. And that's hard. If you are a full blown addict like yours truly, I want you to do 30 days of cold nothing. Nothing. And if you want to wait till after the holiday, great um but 30 days of cold nothing and the probably the first two weeks will be two of the most miserable weeks of your life it's awful brutal and the way i describe it is then it feels like somebody peels a cataract off of your heart and your mind and your eyes and you can see and smell and feel everything's better and you can just get out of bed and you've got more energy. It's a weird thing that happens. So that's my recommendation.

And I'd stay away from fruit. I'd stay away from all of it. Um, maybe some berries, but for the first 30 days I would cut it all. Just give your body a chance to go experience life without it. And there is healing on the other side of it. It's hard. It's hard. It's a lifelong journey. They don't have just like, well, except in James's suite, his area with his team. There's not a lot of other groups on our, here at the studios that have like cocaine just laying out, right?

James has a bunch of weed and cocaine laying out all over the place. But most people don't have that, but they do have cookies and marshmallows and candy bowls everywhere all over their desk. So it is hard to quit sugar. But at the end of the day, you got to say, I'm done. I'm quitting. And I'm going to set up an environment where it's almost impossible for me to fail. Be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show.

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Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back and public service announcement. James does not have cocaine or weed at his desk. He does have it like in his drawers, but not in his desk. All right, let's go to Sue in Philadelphia. What is up, Sue? Hi, Sue. Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm so good. How are you? I'm okay. My husband has bipolar and he tends to be manic for about a year and then he tends to be depressed for about a year.

And we have kids and life is really hard with the kids when he's depressed because he doesn't want anything to do with us and he says dumb stuff to the kids. And when he's manic, he does dumb stuff. We did FPU and we're on track to be out of Baby Step 2 next summer. And he recently went and bought a rental house with no money because we're on Baby Step 2. So he doesn't

want any help. He thinks he's good. I need help. This is taking a toll on me physically. I need help for me and my kids. Oh, man. Number one, I'm sorry. Number two, I'd have to go talk to

a couple of friends of mine who are experts on this. I've not heard of annual cycling before. That seems like a long ramp up and a long ramp down. It really is. And that I did give him an ultimatum to go to a counselor once quite a few years ago. And the counselor kind of said the same thing, but that is what we're seeing. It's a long time.

Who diagnosed him? It was a local psychologist, maybe. Okay. I don't even know. How long ago? I went with him. That was probably nine years ago. Okay.

It's time to go get that stuff checked up. Well, I'm going to speak to you as though he is somebody who's invested in being well. And then I'm, cause there's, you know, people listening who are into that and into that, into loving their families and taking care of themselves. And then I'm going to dig into the reality that you're facing. Is that cool? That's cool. Somebody with a bipolar diagnosis, I want them getting reassessed every couple of years, if not sooner than that. You should be on meds. You should have a really active wellness plan.

And you should have people in your life that are walking alongside you. And nine years ago, no medications, no counseling, no nothing is a recipe for disaster if it's true bipolar. Just like the counselor you met with, I've not heard off the top of my head, I can't think of anyone I've ever heard of who's got annual cycles like that. And for those listening who don't know, annual cycle B, normally these are two or three month waves. Sometimes they're shorter than that. I haven't heard of a wave going for 12 months low and then 12 months up. I wonder if something else is at play.

Does he have a drug problem too? No. So he's totally sober? Yeah. Hmm. Hmm. And so let's deal with reality here. He won't take medication.

Is that right? Right. He was depressed last year and he did eventually go to a counselor, but he switched counselors and he wouldn't let me go with because he likes the feeling of being manic. So he just told them that he was depressed and he told them nothing about his manic features. So they just diagnosed him with depression. Tell me about your ultimatum. I had told him that if he didn't go see a counselor, he was going to leave him. Yeah. When you say he says dumb things to the kids, what does he say?

So last year, multiple times a day, he would tell the kids that he needed them to put his head on straight. And it really, like my one daughter in particular, really took a toll on her. And no matter how much I told him that the kids couldn't handle it, he didn't stop. Yeah. What prompted this call? Did something happen recently? Well, he bought this rental building that I'm, I feel like I'm starting to struggle with anxiety.

Well, yeah, of course, because you're absolutely, I mean, we're in the middle of an economic mess right now, and this is not the time to be buying house, homes at their highly inflated prices with no money down. Like, yeah, it's not a great moment to be doing that. Your body is letting you know we're not safe and you know this. The term we use around here with core value violation is a big deal. If you're hiding, if you're buying things and hiding it, you're buying things that you didn't

agree on. If you say, hey, we're in on this plan and somebody did something different, it's infidelity. It's dishonesty. It hurts at a really deep level. What was your post conversation when you found out? How'd that go? Well, when it comes to fight or flight, I'm definitely flight. So I just kind of planned up. I knew it was too late. There was nothing that I could do to stop it.

So that's kind of the point we're at. I don't know. I'm not really talking like he's trying to show me how this is a good thing all the time. And I just kind of bottle up. Yeah. So what's your, or what?

I don't know. I'm Christian and I do believe that divorce probably isn't an option. Okay. I took our vow seriously, but I don't know what options I do have. I mean, you can stay or you can leave. Right. So let's go with the option that you're going to stay. At some point, you make peace with, this is who he is. We have ups and we have downs.

And I'm going to put some very serious roadblocks between me and him because I've got to keep my family safe. Okay. And that might look like letting him know I'm never going to hide stuff. I'm not going to contribute to his misbehavior by me lessening my character, right? But it may be I need you to know I'm carrying forward with this. I'm not going to be a part of it. I don't want to be on the, I mean, I don't know. Now you're getting into, like I'm hesitant. As I'm speaking out loud, I don't like the words that are coming out of my mouth.

Let me put it this way, Sue. This is really bad. Right. Is he in a manic season right now? He is. So tell me what that's like. He gets up at like 3 o'clock in the morning. And he's gone all day at work And then he comes home and eats

And falls asleep on the couch And that's pretty much our days And he does whatever he wants You don't have a marriage You know that, right? I do know that Have you met with somebody? I have not.

That's your next step. Okay. Okay. Because you've got some religious values, which are really important. You've got some realities. You're not telling me everything about how he acts. Is that fair? Yeah,

maybe. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. There are some things going on that aren't okay. And you know that, and I know that. And you're trying to keep things held together.

How old are your little ones? They range in age from 10 to 17. Okay. That's a lot of hurt on those kids. Yeah. So what I want you to do is this. Ultimately, for everybody listening, you've got to get to an or what moment. Either I accept the way my life is and I'm going to be okay with it,

I'm going to make peace with it, and I'm going to find joy in the pockets with which I've been dealt. Or I have an or what moment where you will go to counseling with me and I will have full access to the therapy records because your bipolar impacts all of us. You will get on some sort of medication regimen. You will get new psychometric testing to find out where you even are because this doesn't sound right to me. And, again, I'm just a podcast guy. I'm not a full-time psychologist, so there you go. It's not passing my initial smell test.

I could be way off, but it's just not. And he has to decide, I want to love my family. I want to love my wife. I want to be connected to them. And so in my seasons of bipolar, which by the way, bipolar is super real when it's real, I'm going to not have my ATM card. I am going to not have access to our bank accounts. I'm going to not have access to the internet or to my vehicle or to cell phones or because I make terrible decisions. And when I'm in low seasons,

I am going to put my lights in my bedroom on a timer so I get up. I am going to have a trainer that's going to show up at my house and call me. I will go see a counselor. I will take my medication. So there's things you put in line before these things happen.

And they don't fully solve the things, if you will, but they create a life that is sustainable for the person involved and for the family. And my hypothesis is over time, the severities begin to lessen. I don't have a lot of data on that, but that's my guess. You begin to practice living in a new way. But you got to decide, I want to do that. And you can't make him do that. That's his call.

All you can do is say, I'm going to take care of me. I'm going to love me. I'm going to love these kids. I'm going to make sure they know they're loved. Make sure they know dad is sick. He's not well. And dad's choosing to not get well. And it's not a reflection of them.

It's a reflection of him. And I've got to come up with, I've got to make peace with my life, or I've got to come up with an or what moment and then decide what's next for all of us. Okay. Is that fair? Yeah. okay is that fair yeah at the end of the day you can control three things your thoughts your actions your desire to get well and get connected that's it and that feels powerless especially when you're married to somebody who has no interest in being well or changing their life to help themselves and the rest of the family. Man, I wish we could leave this

on some super hopeful high note. I've just seen this too much. Until somebody gets invested in their wellness, there's not a lot people can do other than take care of themselves. And also this, Sue, you haven't taken care of Sue in a long time either. And it's time you look in the mirror and say, you know what, Sue, Sue in a long time either. And it's

time you look in the mirror and say, you know what, Sue? I'm worth it. You're worth it. Let's make this happen. Let's take care of ourselves. As we wrap up today's show, man, James, I found this Dropkick Murphy CD at a used CD shop

because it's 1971. And dude, so great. I think it's off the Blackout album. Is that right? Is that the name of the record? Let me look here. Yep, off the 2003 Blackout record.

Song's called The Worker's Song, and it goes like this. Yes, this one's for the workers who toil night and day by hand and by brain to earn your pay, Song's called The Worker's job, and with slide rule and stopwatch, our pride they have robbed. We're the first ones to starve, we're the first ones to die. The first ones in line for that pie in the sky, and we're always the last when the cream is shared out, for the worker is working when the fat cat's about.

Oh, man. I know how that feels. Working for James Childs. We'll see you soon on the Dr. John Delaney Show.