The Dr. John Delony Show - My Daughter Is Asking About Her Sex Offender Birth Father

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder & I'm not sure what to do Our family dog is about to die; how can we help our young kids grieve? My daughter Is asking about her sex offender birth father Lyrics of the Day: "Umbrella" - Rihanna   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: depression, fitness/physical health, kids, parenting, boundaries, addiction, sexuality/intimacy   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk about some hard, hard stuff, so watch out for the little ears in the room. We talk about putting down a beloved dog and how we tell our kids. We talk about seasonal affective disorder. We also talk about how to talk to your teenage daughter when you find out Dad is not a good guy. Stay tuned.

Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Still putting my headphones in. James is in a hurry today. Not really. And before we even started, James said, no banter. So I'm going to try not to banter. And before we started, you said, let's go.

And that's when I started. I literally said, all right, let's get going, James. And then I promptly blamed it on you. I think we need to call on the show together and talk to ourselves about how we treat one another. And by we, I mean how I treat you. I'm sorry, James. I forgive you. This happened.

I've been on the road a lot, like running and gunning. And that sounded so stupid. Yeah, I'm just running, gunning, bro. Like I'm wearing a football jersey right now what an idiot so but I've been going all over the place and we got a major problem here's the problem people listen to the show way more than I thought and here's that's problem number one Lots of people know things about my kids. It's just hard to get lulled in, like you and I are just having a chit-chat, me and you and Kelly, Sarah's chit-chat.

They're listening to this thing. They know things about my family, and that's super weird, mainly because I tell them, so it's not like they're creeping. But then they are going and doing some of this, and I was psychologically unprepared for that. But then they are going and doing some of this. And I was psychologically unprepared for that. I know I get like that's the whole point of this show.

I was going to say, how is this a problem? This is all good things. It's not a problem. It's just, whoa. We can no longer say there's 18 of us. The gang has expanded. There's at least 40. Maybe 45. It's sobering for sure.

You have something you need to tell us, James? No? Good folks. James is working on some personal issues. Not really. He's just very handsome. All right. Let's go to Dan in Chi-town, Chicago.

Hey, Dan. What's up, man? Hey, Dr. John. How are you doing today? We are partying all day and all morning. It's like super early in the morning, so we haven't been partying very long. And by partying, I had like a cup of regular coffee in my decaf. That's how we're kind of getting the wheels off here this morning.

How are you, man? All right. Sounds good. Good. Listen, first of all, I just want to say thanks to you and your team for help making this past year a lot more manageable for me and probably a lot of other people who haven't gotten a chance to thank you. Dude you're awesome brother thank you hey is it cool for people who aren't in chicago to call it chai town that feels like some insider lingo

no that's fine i got no problem with it personally all right good i i knew one thing growing up in texas and that you don't fight chicago ends because they'll kill you so that's awesome i don't want i don't want to i don't want to cross the streams, brother Dan. No, you're good, man. All right. So what's up brother? How can I help? All right. So I got a question that I thought you might enjoy discussing today and that's about seasonal affective disorder. Oh man, it's the worst. Do you have it? Uh, so I'll tell you my story and kind of what I've been dealing with this week and maybe you can kind of shed some light on it. All right.

So, you know, it's kind of mid-September up here in Chicago. Over the past week, I really have not felt like myself. I've been more exhausted, you know, just unable to focus. I feel forgetful. It's kind of like, you know, how sometimes they say you're driving from A to B and you don't know how you get there, right? Right. And so I've just been foggy. I haven't really been sick or had any other symptoms.

That was a worry. I haven't changed my kind of daily routine. I haven't been any more active. I've actually had to, I had to stop going to softball this week because I've been so tired and I've had to nap several days after work, which just is not the usual for me. So I was talking with some friends at work, and some of them felt similar. And one of them said her husband deals with a seasonal affective disorder. And the only way I know about it is my mom has dealt with it for years. So I'm wondering maybe that's what I'm feeling. I know you've got a wide audience, and maybe some others may not be familiar with this. But I was just wondering if you could speak to this condition.

Who is at risk? What do we know about it? How can we kind of manage it the best that we can? Wow, dude. Well, thanks for the call, man. That's a great question. And I got, so I'll answer your question with one of my own personal experiences.

So I grew up, I mean, I moved to Nashville from West Texas, which is about 30 to 45 minutes from another time zone. And then I moved to Nashville, which is about 30, 45 minutes, maybe an hour to the Eastern time zone. What that meant was in where I'm coming from in West Texas, it stayed light till eight or 9 o'clock every night. Then we got to Nashville, and it was getting dark. And this is in the late fall, winter.

It's getting dark at 4.30 in the afternoon. I'd go outside and be pitch black. And it was about February that I didn't want to move. And I'd never experienced this, and I started thinking it's my job, my marriage, my wife is mean, my kid. And then I realized this is the longest I've ever gone in my entire life since I was zero without sunshine, without steady amounts of sun and a rhythm and being outside. And then all of a sudden I was eating garbage and I wasn't sleeping and, and, and I wasn't exercising stuff. So yeah, man, it was big time. And so I had to take some pretty, um, direct measures to work through that.

Um, it does surprise me that we're a few weeks into the fall. I mean, I don't even think we're technically in the fall yet. Do you have other stuff going on? Stress? Do you have other relational stuff going on? Something doesn't, have other relational stuff going on? No. Something doesn't sound right. Maybe it is. Not that I can think of. You know, it is starting to kind of get dark here before 7, 7 o'clock at nighttime. So nothing I can think of offhand.

Nothing I can put my finger on that I've been doing any different, like I said. You know, so I can't, I can't figure anything else out that what that might be causing this, but I'm telling you, I got outside, I got more sunlight this weekend and I, I snapped back like in an instant. Oh, that's awesome. All right. So here to answer some of the criteria, and it's been a minute since I've dug into this, but, um, seasonal affective, one, I just want, we love calling things disorders, and we love giving people diagnostics and labels and saying, oh, you have a thing. Really, I look at seasonal affective disorder, it affects millions and millions of people, right?

And if you want to meet the criteria, it's a couple of years of experience, major depressive disorder. And it's got to be focused on these particular times of year, late fall, winter, when there is no sunshine, there's a compressed sunlight and people are stuck indoors, which then has derivative things like we talked about. You're not eating very well. You're just laying around. You're probably watching a lot of screens. You're not

out connecting with other humans. You're not getting sunshine. You're not exercising and, and, and. So it does affect millions of people. I don't like this as a diagnostic. I like to take into account, we have some natural rhythms that our bodies have been, been working with, with nature for thousands and thousands or millions of years. And then about a hundred years ago, we developed work schedules and light bulbs. And so if you think about it, if we were all farmers, if we'd all been hunter gatherers, this is just part of the time that we just kind of shut down and things slow down for us. Now that shutdown and that slowdown, we call depression and say that we're broken and say

that we got to keep charging hard right into February, right? So I don't like to look at as much as my body's broken as much as just a good signal like you did. Dude, I need to get outside and get some stuff. There is some, get some sunlight, get some movement. There is some geographical implications here. I didn't experience this in Texas ever. I've got several friends who grew up with me in Texas, Arizona. They moved up north, and it just, that grayness, that low sky, that the winter months just lays on people, right? And it's marked by hopelessness, frustration, you know, decreased physical activity and all that.

You mentioned a couple of things that I think is just important to call out. One, you quit playing softball. And so there's the physical movement part, but there's also the buddy's part and the just talking trash and hollering at your friends and laughing and getting angry and suddenly sprinting. All those things have major physiological consequences. And just the ugh. So what did you do this weekend that was different?

Uh, well, I really enjoy being outdoors and kind of working around the yard and around my house. So, uh, just getting out and being outside. I mean, like, like, uh, this the past week, I, I had zero energy to even do anything after work. Like I said, I had to come home and nap and, you know, just couldn't do anything. And then I kind of was a little bit more intentional. Like you said, I, I, I'm like you in that. I don't like to compromise in my sleep. That is kind of the first thing I, I always try to get back to. And, uh, I felt a lot better after catching up on sleep and getting outside and doing things that bring me a lot of joy. Good for you, man. All right, so there may be a lot of this in my head, and this is the best I can read. I'm not a chemist, and I'm not a vitamin D researcher, but I think a lot of this is related to vitamin D and what it does to hormones and neurotransmitters, melatonin, serotonin, melatonin, serotonin, all that stuff.

Modulates immune function, all those things. Here's what I really want to challenge folks like you and me to do. It's easy when we have a week or two or maybe even three where we want to nap. We just want to rest. And what I want to challenge us to do is listen to our bodies in those seasons and pay attention. Meaning, and probably the best thing for you this past week was just to lay low. Something about your body was telling you, hey man, let's just dial it back a bit. Let's just rest. You need to get some extra sleep, some extra you time,

just chill. And I just said you time, like me and you were knitting a pillow right now. We need some you time. That's ridiculous. But like your body was just letting you know. And then your mind came back online a little bit after some rest and said, hey, man, this can't become a pattern. This isn't the way we're going to live. We took a nap. We took a break for a week. And now we've got to come back online. I got to get outside.

I got to go move my body. I got to reach out and call people. So the last thing I want people doing is feeling low for a week or two or three, and then announcing to themselves in the world, I've got a disorder. No, man, you need some sunlight. You need some human connection. You need to turn the screens off. You need to write something. You need to be okay when your body downshifts a little bit in the middle of the winter. And in Chicago, you guys don't screw around with winter. Last time I was there, it was like minus a thousand degrees. It made me, I've heard all my life that hell is hot. And after spending a few days in Chicago

in February, I don't know, man. I don't know. I think Latin for hot may be Chicago. Real cold. Really cold. Anyway, if you find yourself, if you can look back on your calendar and you just think, I am not doing okay. I am unseasonably low. I want you to go outside and move your body even when it's gray, especially in the morning. This morning, I got three and a half hours of sleep last night. I flew in. I flew in. Got on a plane yesterday. Flew right back in after being in another state. Landed and drove straight to an event that lasted late into the night.

And then I have two keynotes to give today. It was a late night. I got three hours of sleep last night. Sounds like you were running and gunning. Well played, Jimmy. Well played. Running and gunning. Well played, Jimmy. Well played. Running and gunning. Because I'm Patrick Mahomes

and I want to be in the football leagues. The National Football Leagues. Is that what they call them? NFLs? Actually, I don't know what the NFL is. But the first thing I did this morning is I did have to keep on working on my stuff on my talks this morning, but I went outside and I got sunlight.

Even when it's gray, got sunlight. Gotta move your body. Even when it's cold, go outside, bundle up, if at all possible. Exercise is an antidepressant. Make sure you move your body. Make sure your intention about calling people, even if it's to say, hey, I'm not doing so great.

Can we come hang out? Even if we're gonna go hang out and go for a walk in the gray, do it, do it, do it. Let somebody know that you're not doing okay. Let somebody know that you're not doing okay. It can be real heavy, and if you are leaning towards a depressive season, man, just spending some time in the gray by yourself in the cold can sometimes push us over the edge. If you ever have thoughts of hurting yourself,

call somebody. If you ever have thoughts that I'm not okay, call somebody. Okay? Dan, thank you so much, man. We haven't talked about seasonal defective disorder. We haven't talked about the grays, as I call them, or the bends.

I guess the bends is, A, a great radio head album, and two, has to do with diving, but I just call it The Bends. I just feel bent over. I just feel low, right? Bent low in the season. But, Dan, thanks for the call, brother, and get some sunshine. Or how about not live in Chicago? That could be another thing. All right, hey, we'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. And we're back! Let's go to... That was ridiculous.

Hey, you think if this doesn't work out, I could be a metal singer, James? Yeah, yeah, you could. There's not a high bar there. Brian, he works security out in the lobby. He's just shaking his head like, I've really trained my whole life, and this is where I have to work.

I've done something tragically wrong. Let's go to Sarah in Cincinnati, Ohio. I don't know where that accent's from but we're going to go with it. What's up, Sarah? Hi. How are you? I'm fine. How are you? So good. I say so good. It's

great. I've got coffee. I work in the air conditioning and we're doing okay. How about you? Good. I'm doing fine. Doing fine. So what's up? I'm calling because one of our dogs was recently diagnosed with cancer and I'm wondering how to best handle it with my young kids. Oh, great question. How old are your kids? Well, in particular, my son, he's four and a half. He'll be five in February. So my daughter's two. So she's not real. Not my biggest concern. It's more him that I'm concerned with. Wow. Tell me about this dog. and a half. He's a pity boxer mix and he's just super sweet and loving and

he's honestly like the best dog we could have ever gotten. That's so great. And was it just ride or die through the birth of your kids too? Oh yeah. Yeah, he's been a protector and he cuddles them and

loves them and kisses them and loves them. So we deal with a lot of hard stuff on this show. This may be the closest I get to tearing up. Okay. So I'm going to work hard because I love dogs. I think they, yeah, I think they're pretty remarkable. So here's, I'll just jump right into this.

Can I tell you a story about myself? Yeah. I had a beloved dog, and in fact, I used to tell my wife, this dog was in my bed long before you were. So let's just get priority straight, right? That dog, she was an old basset hound. She smelled so bad. Shared a pillow with me. I mean, it's obnoxious, but that dog was incredible.

And when I moved, that dog moved with me. That dog was ride or die. Disgusting, gross, all the things you would think a 21-year-old guy, just you walk into their apartment, like, what is this? It was that. But I love that dog. And then we got another bats a town named Baxter, and that dog was rad too. Molly passed away before.

Molly died before we had kids. And Baxter was still around when I had Hank. And that's right when I was learning about trauma and how it works and what is the best way to navigate some of this, especially with little kids. So I'll tell you about something that happened. Got news that Baxter was not going to make it. And we sit very similar. And so I called a buddy and we were going out to his ranch that day just to the kids to run around. And I was at the veterinarian's office and I'd taken the dog in and we're going to put the dog down.

And something felt weird. And so I called him and said, hey, would it be weird if I, you know, I'm with the vet now, I'm gonna put the dog down. And then I brought the dog out to the ranch. We buried him there. And I said, is that weird? I know there's kids running around. And he's a rancher.

He's very, very, very wise. And he said something that stuck in my soul. He got quiet and said, if you don't take this opportunity to teach your son about death, you failed him. And I thought, well, hey, that's a little bit harsh. That's just how ranchers talk to each other, right? And so I got out to the ranch. We put the dog down and I held the dog through the whole thing. I think that's really important, by the way, is that you hold that dog through that season.

My kid was not there for that moment. That was a lot. But when I got out to the ranch, my buddy had set out one big shovel for me and one little shovel for my son. And we both dug the grave together. And there's a physical component to grief. We prayed for that dog and we talked about the fun and the joy that the dog had brought us, the tender moments, the hugs, the things that we were going to miss. And my son watched me tear up. And then I watched, I had to answer some hard questions like, Daddy, are we going to put the dirt on top? And as he was processing, oh, this is it.

This, this is it. There's a finality to it. And my buddy in the distance, it it's it's my single most prized possession outside of humans took a photo and it's a couple hundred yards away of me and my son digging that grave together and i'll keep that as long as i live it was an important moment for me as a dad and as somebody who teaches about grief and who walks through hard stuff with people. So what I would tell you is the last great gift this dog will give to you is to have a, create a touchstone moment for you and your son, especially, but even your two and a half year old that will,

will ride through the next five, 10, 15 years of y'all's life. Because here's what happened in our home. Just a few years later that my granddad passed away. And I was able to point back to, hey, remember when? And then my grandmother passed away. Hey, remember when? And so Baxter's legacy through our family has been significant. And it was hard and it was absolutely right and good.

And so what I would tell you is, as my friend Rachel Cruz says, share don't scare. So be honest. You don't have to be overly detailed. And I don't think a four-year-old should be in there when they give your dog a shot or anything like that. I do think if at all possible, if y'all can bury your dog together, I think that's really important. I think that's a neat moment. And it'll be heavy, and it'll be hard, and there'll be tears, and there'll be hugs, and there'll be lots of hard, hard questions. I probably wouldn't have my two-and-a-half a half year old out there just because there's some gaps there developmentally.

But I would tell him that the dog's really, really sick and the dog's going to die and he's not going to be here anymore. And then when she asks questions, it's a matter of fact stuff. It's bending down and looking your two year old in the eye and saying, remember, remember he died? He's not here anymore and we really miss him. And then she may say, I really miss him too too and it's good for her to see mom miss so what's this dog's name? Jack Jack Jack Jack

tell me one awesome thing about Jack Jack oh man he's like your Bassett he's a mama's boy he lays on my pillow he is I guarantee you Jack smells better than my he's like your Bassett. He's a mama's boy. He lays on my pillow. He is. I guarantee you Jack smells better than Molly did.

For sure. I don't know. I don't know about that. Can I ask you, would you tell him ahead of time that it's happening or would you wait until... I think that's up to you would you wait until, um, uh, I think, I think that's up to you guys.

I think that's, I don't think there's a right way or wrong way to do that. Um, I would probably, um, let him know that I have to take the dog to the, to the dog doctor, to the veterinarian's office.

Cause, um, he's very, very sick. Okay. And then when we go there, we can let him know that he died there. And then, again, asking hard questions,

we gave him a shot to make him feel better because he was hurting so much. And he goes to sleep and gently dies. And be direct with your language, not evasive, not passed away. That doesn't mean anything to a four-year-old. Making sure you say the words, Jack-Jack died. Right. And it was Jack-Jack's time.

Jack-Jack was sick, very, very sick. And his body got tired. And I would avoid, he didn't feel good, so we gave him a shot. I think a four-year-old might internalize the next time he gets a cough, like he's hiding under his bed or something from mom. But give him the gift of learning the hard realities of life and that people we love and things we love and pets we love pass away. They die.

And that mom's going to be there and walk alongside us through this whole situation. So Sarah, I know this is a show about people, but my heart's broken for you guys. I'm glad that you had that experience with Jack-Jack. Hey, can I tell you this one more thing? Yes. There's a strange thing about dogs.

And I'm intentionally not talking about cats because I think cats are evil. I think they're the worst animal ever created. And I know there's a few cat listeners of this show, so send me your mean tweets. I don't even know how Twitter works, so tweet away. But dogs, man, cats maybe do. But they live that 8 to 12-year time period. And they tend to mark decades for us, right? It tends to be the during college

and then the first job or when I met my significant other through the dating and then the first couple of hard years of trying to figure out how we're gonna be married together or couldn't have kids and then tried and then had kids

in the first couple of years. So they mark seasons. And often when our dog passes away, it's as though it's a page turn in our home just because of that decade time. Does that make sense? So you're going to miss Jack-Jack, and you're going to have this heavy realization that you're in a new season of life. Does that make sense? Honor that for yourself

because it's real and it's heavy. It's hard. Yeah. And are you married? Yes, yes. And you got two little ones? Two little ones. Yeah, there's a very real reality

that will set in that this is the new world. There's no going back. It's not just you and your husband and Jack-Jack going on hikes or staying up too late or Jack being like, hey, what's going on back there, right? All that's over. Now you got two little kids.

And so you're in that season now. And there's something about grieving. And there's the end of party time. And now I'm just mom with two kids and husband. And now we get to recreate some new adventure going forward. But it just, I don't know, there's something about that decade time period. It just tends to be snapshots. And I've just been so fortunate to have some ride or die old dogs that have been with me in these just snapshot seasons.

And I don't know. I just think dogs are amazing. So good for you, Sarah, for giving Jack-Jack the mama who loved him. I'm glad he protected you from knucklehead husband and brought you through with two little ones. What a magical, magical journey. And high five to you in the new season. Build something great.

We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, what up, gang? We're back. Let's go to Lynn in Philadelphia. We're born and raised in playgrounds. This is where I spent most of my days. What's up?

Hi, Dr. John. Thanks so much for taking my call. Of course. Thanks for calling. How are you this morning? I'm okay. I have a question. I'm hoping I can get some guidance and advice from you. I will do the best I can. And if I answer it terribly, we're just going to edit it out and no one will even know this call happened, which is so good. So only you and your friends will be like, I called that guy. He's an idiot. So what's up?

So my question is how to parent through my 15-year-old daughter expressing a desire to reach out to her birth father, who is my ex-husband, who is not a safe person and has not been in her life or mine since she's been born. Yikes. So when you say not a safe mine since she's been born. Yikes. So when you say not a safe person, let's start there. That's a big one. Yeah. So obviously from my perspective as married to him, there was repeated unfaithfulness, verbal emotional abuse. But beyond that, there was also sustained pornography addiction

throughout our marriage that I found out during the marriage. And then that escalated to pornography with kids or at least with preteen girls looking at porn. Yeah. Is he in jail? He's not. What happened when that came to light, that he was into child pornography? So, I mean, remember, this is almost 20 years ago. I was in my early 20s. I found it on the computer, and I didn't understand at that point, like, oh, I need to call the police. I understand that now.

I didn't. I instead got in touch with, you know, a counselor or a therapist through church, and he did go a little bit, but it didn't really seem to help, and he wasn't invested in that. And so in my mind, naively, I kind of lumped all of that evilness together as just, oh, this is more of his pornography addiction. I know now, like I'm a licensed foster parent, I'm trauma-informed, I understand that that is a reportable offense, but like since it's so long ago and it was like on a home computer that no longer exists, like I haven't reported anything about him and I haven't been in touch with him in like 15 years.

So before the day is over you gotta make a report okay you have to do that okay um the yeah you have to for the kids

caught up in that stuff for um yeah you got to. Okay. Yeah, you got to make that call today. And you can let them know, I know this is 20 years ago. I know that 20 years ago I should have made this call. And I didn't.

And here we are. And so I need to report this and I would also be honest and say I also know that I've got a 15 year old daughter who's asking questions about her dad and this looks bad and

you're going to get me all riled up ma'am I know no the so even if i give you grace for 20 years ago you're in the middle of a storm and you're in a mess and this is all lumped into a big pot the fact that y'all took this to a church building and they sat on it makes me insane. Right. And to be honest, I don't know. I mean, I wasn't part of those, uh, counseling sessions. I don't know how much was shared

other than, you know, I'm a, you know, he was addicted to porn. I don't know if he went into what type or anything like that. Again, like in my head at the time, it was all kind of a blur. Like we got divorced when I was pregnant with my now 15 year old daughter. So I was just a mess. Yeah. Understand. He was seeing an 18 year old at the time that I found out when I was a few months pregnant. And then I found pornography and it was just all a big blur for me.

Right. But yeah, but I hear you. And I get it. Make that call now. I know in a number of states they've passed. There is I get it. Make that call now. I know in a number of states they've passed, there is no statute of limitations on that. And in fact, in a couple of states where I've got connections, it's a crime to not report. To not report it.

Yep. Okay, well, we were in Tennessee at the time. Yeah, wherever it happens to be. Okay. It's a crime to not report it. And I think in Texas they just said if you know about it and don't report it, you will be fired from whatever job you happen to be working for and you're subject to criminal stuff. So it's – yeah, make the call. Even if they raid his computer and there's nothing on it and he's a changed person,

the downside to that is he has an inconvenient day or he's subject to an investigation that finds that nothing's going on. Otherwise, we're going to protect some children, right? Okay. Yep.

When it comes to your daughter, what's her – does he even want to talk to her? Is he responding back to her? What's the deal here? Or she just has questions? She has questions, right? So I saw in her browsing history she was looking him up, researching him. Throughout her life, if ever she's asked questions, I've answered, but I haven't given more information than needed. But now that she's older, we talked about it pretty recently and I was she wanted all the details.

So I was pretty upfront with her, including about the pornography and so forth. And so after all that, a day or two later, out of the blue, she said, just so you know, at some point I want to reach out to him. Of course. And so I just, you know, I tried to keep like, don't freak out face on. And I just said, well, you know, well, got it. What are you hoping to, what are you hoping happens? Or what are you hoping to accomplish type of question?

And she just said, I have questions. Yeah, absolutely. And so I said, okay, got it. And so. Here's the big question. Here's the big question. And he, she just said, I have questions. Yeah, absolutely. And so I said, okay, got it. And so here's the big question. Here's the big question. What was it about me that you walked away from? Right. What was it about all those other girls? What was it about all the other women? What was it about the, your addictions? What was it about your depression, your whatever that was so much more important than me I just need to know that and yeah and so on you gave her that that curiosity that creativity that desire to know herself and you've been on trauma-informed

journeys you're learning you do you love and care for foster kids, that who am I question is foundational to all of us. So her desire to just know some stuff is real. And in her 15-year-old brain, her desire to tell him what she thinks is real too. That's in 45-year-old brains. I'm going to find him and I'm just going to tell him that it never does anything, but it feels like it's going to feel good. So all those questions

are good. Right now, the last contact you've had is with a felon. And as the mother of a 15-year-old, you must protect your daughter. Right. And so it's okay to say, your questions are super legit. You ask me anything. But in the same way you would not let her connect with a 35- or 45-year-old person on the sex offender registry list, she doesn't get contact in that level of boundary. I don't care that it happens to be her dad.

Okay. And you can let her know in that uncertain terms, I have not spoken to this man in 20 years, and last I knew he was very unsafe. I wouldn't let a strange child around him. I'm not going to let you. Also, one thing that she can do is write letters to him that she doesn't mail. She doesn't have

his address, but she can hang on to him. When you make this call, have you not spoken to him for two decades or 15 years? It's been about 13 years because I did end up getting sole custody a year or two into her life. And so that's when we last had contact through a lawyer. And child pornography didn't come up during the custody a year or two into her life. And so that's when we last had contact

through a lawyer. And child pornography didn't come up during the custody hearing? We didn't really have, it didn't, no, it didn't go through a hearing like that. He basically said he was not going to visit her. And so his rights went down to, he can only contact her through writing. Right now he's not allowed to visit her or anything. And it wasn't, he just said he wasn't going to. And so he just signed it over? So that was all through a mediator. Yeah, it was all through a mediator.

We didn't go before a judge at all. Okay. For a hearing. I haven't heard of mediated parental rights being terminated before, but maybe I don't know about that. His parental – yeah, his rights aren't terminated. So he's – on paper, he's still her father, but he can't – he's not by law allowed to visit her. He's only allowed to communicate with her in writing. That's where it was left when – like 13 years ago.

And so I want to – I know he is your ex-husband. I know he's her dad, but I want you to listen to what you're saying. And I want to challenge you that your daughter needs you now because on paper, he still has the ability to communicate with her. And he's a sex offender. Right? Yep. I know that's so hard.

I know that brings up every demon on earth in your soul. And I also know that you know these things. How long has that been haunting you that he's going to reach out? That has to have been a ghost that's been chasing you for 15 years. I've always been scared that she would want to reach out to him,

not so much that he would reach out to her. Think of her reaching out to him as less about him and more about her trying to find out who she is. This is an exploration to find herself, and it's got to go through him. Right. And that's okay. And I get that. And she's kind of going through the stage where she's pushing against a lot of boundaries now, right?

Of course she is. She's 15. Right, right, right. I get it, right? So this is another one. And so I want to be careful. Like, my fear is in setting a boundary of no, no communication, no nothing, that she's just going to try to find a way around it, right? So this is another one. And so I want to be careful. Like my fear is in setting a boundary of no, no communication, no nothing, that she's just going to try to find a way around it, right? She's easy enough to find online.

1,000% she will. Yeah. And what would you do if your daughter was doing what she could to communicate with somebody that you knew was addicted to child pornography, what would you do? I'll tell you what you would do. Anything. You'd cut the Wi-Fi. You'd throw every computer in the dumpster.

Okay. Yeah. You would go to hell and back to keep your daughter away from that guy. That guy just happens to be her dad. Right. And that's why this stuff has to be formalized. You've got to make a report. It's got to be written down.

And you've still got access to it. You still have his social security number and his stuff and all that. And there's going to be some shame on your part for not reporting it. Expect that. Yeah, 100%. And at some point you're going to let yourself, you're going to have to forgive yourself and go forward and not continue to be anchored to, I should have, I should have, I should have in the past. You didn't. So here we are. Right. I would also recommend your daughter's going to look for any way. This quest to figure out who she is, it's universal.

We all go through it. She is going to look for ways that you are the bad guy here, which gives her permission to break your boundaries. Okay? So there is a difference between saying this man was sick. This man was an addict. This man got into some evil stuff. And there's a difference between that and I hate this guy. This guy sucked. keep it about facts and data and not about your opinions yes does that make sense and that way yeah it will it will it's gonna turn that anyway you just don't like him or you're just mad that he fill in the blank that's expect that but that way there's never that sliver of she's holding out on me right this is just you laying out, and I've certainly tried to never, ever say he's bad. He's a disease that she would ask me when she was younger if he was bad, and I said, you know, he's just sad, and he needs healing, and he's made bad choices. But I never, I try to never villainize.

I think it's very fair to say he's very, very sick. And there will come a moment when your daughter will look you in the eye and say, why didn't you call? Mm-hmm. And you're going to have to be honest with her. Say, I screwed that up. Yep. I should have and I didn't. I messed up.

And that will never, ever, ever happen again. I hate this for you, Lynn. I hate all of it. I hate it for those little Lynn. I hate all of it. I hate it for those little girls involved in the pornography stuff. I hate it for your daughter who said to grow up with a dad who just cashed out. Oh, man. If you know, and I'm telling this to everybody now, if you know of somebody who's involved in child pornography, call today.

Period. Full stop. End of story. Conversation over. Call today. If you know somebody who's hurting kids, call today. If you know somebody who's neglecting their kids, call today. Those kids deserve better than that and they need all of us. Call today. Man. And Lynn,

you're going to have to take a big breath, go do some hard stuff. You're going to have to set that shame down. Your daughter needs you. Daughter needs you. Let's protect our kids, good folks. Let's protect our kids. All right, so as we wrap up today's show,

oh, man. It's been raining a lot in Nashville, like crazy. And shout out seasonal affective disorder. Disnorder? I don't even know what a disnorder is. I know what a disorder is. And so during one of the breaks, James, producer extraordinaire, ran in his second favorite song of all time.

We all know that Bette Midler's The Rose is his favorite song, but this is number two. Song's by the one and only Rihanna. And it's Umbrella. And it goes like this. Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, Rihanna. Uh-huh, uh-huh, good girl gone bad. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, take three, action.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, HOV. That's not the HOV lane, is it? Nope, Jay-Z. No clouds in my stones. Let it rain. A hydroplane in the bank coming down with the Dow Jones. When the clouds come, we gone. We Rockefeller.

We fly higher than weather. And G5s are better. You know me. You know me. In anticipation for a precipitation stack chips for the rainy day. Jay, man. Nope. Jay Rain, man, is back with Little Miss Sunshine. Rihanna, where you at? You have

my heart and will never be worlds apart. And that's when you need me there. With you, I'll always share because you can stand under my Ella, Ella, Ella, James Sayet umbrella right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.