The Dr. John Delony Show - My Daughter Just Married a Convicted Sex Offender

Episode Date: December 5, 2022

On this episode, we hear from: - A man uncomfortable interacting with his daughter’s husband, who’s a convicted sex offender - A woman feeling guilty for not wanting to participate in her family��s Christmas gift tradition - A wife afraid of her husband dying after multiple comments he’s made about it Lyrics of the Day: "Blackout" - Turnstile Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Our 25-year-old daughter is in a relationship. She's now married to a convicted child molester, registered sex offender. As Christians, what should be our role and our attitudes toward him? I want nothing to do with him. I don't want him in my house. I don't think he's safe. Yo, yo, yo, yo! What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Greatest mental health and marriage and parenting podcast that's ever existed. I'm so glad that you're with us. Or if you're watching us on the YouTubes, man, it's the greatest one of those shows also ever. Hey, it means a big deal to folks who are struggling to pick up their computers at night and are scrolling through YouTube, trying to get some help with the marriages, trying to figure out what to do with their kids. It makes a big difference if you will just take a second and hit the subscribe button. It kicks it up into the algorithms and it puts the show in front of more people so that more people can get help. If you're listening to it on podcast, leave a five-star review, hit subscribe, and it kicks it up into people's feeds who may be scrolling for, my marriage is falling apart. My husband just cheated on me. I don't know what to

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in the new year, which everybody should be, remember there's no such thing as mental health and physical health and spiritual health. It all is health. It all works together. It's all interwoven and braided together. If you're thinking about making some commitments to get healthier this year, go to thorne.com slash you slash Deloney. We've partnered together to give you all incredible discounts on all their supplements. And go to thorne.com slash you slash Deloney and get all your supplements, 25% off every single thing.

And it will just automatically deduct it from your bill when you log in. So go for it. All right, let's, hey, before we go to the first call, questions for humans, Christmas edition. By the time this show comes out, they may be all gone. They are selling like bananas. But let's have some fun real quick. Do bananas sell very well?

I don't even know if people buy bananas. I think so. I mean, you know. Is that a good thing to say? I would have said hotcakes. Hotcakes. Everybody loves pancakes. Not my digestive system. All right.

Here's a question. Is it ever okay to re-gift it's so great kelly is like for sure yes joe for sure yes jenna i would say yes if it's like a white elephant gift like if it's like a gag gift that you got and you're like eh i need this for another white elephant gift i would re-gift it. But you got, when did you get married? A few years ago? A year and a half ago. A year and a half ago. You probably have a bunch of cake plates.

You know, you're not wrong. That you could just, that would make for great gifts later. Yeah, I think I actually have re-gifted one of our wedding registry gifts to somebody else. You're not a good person. Already. Did you know, I think they only made nine cake plates total on earth and they're just constantly regifted. Yes, that's true.

Probably. Joe, what do you think? Oh, it's fair game, baby. Once it's yours, you can do whatever you want to with it. Yeah. Now you have to, you know, be reasonable about it because if you play the game wrong, it's over. That's the wisdom from the mighty J-O-E.

What do you think, Kelly? Well, yeah. I mean, I wouldn't re-gift something my husband gave me. But as long as the original gifter is not aware. As long as we lie about it. I'm all about the re-gifting. Here's why. I think the ultimate intent is not to, i want to give you this thing that is going to weigh you down um i think that

gift is to give me joy and sometimes the greatest joy i can give get is giving somebody else something and so maybe i'm just passing it through although i did get some uh tickets to a play one time to a performance and i gave them to some friends because I wasn't going to go. And the person that gave me the tickets was not thrilled. So I get that. All right. Let's see. All right.

I got one more. Which Christmas song would you pay $67 to never hear again? The Christmas Shoes. Hands down. You love that song. I hate that song. You were always singing that song. And Jenna and I were talking about it yesterday.

She said, I know, it always makes me cry. I was like, it doesn't make me cry. It makes me want to gouge my eardrums out with this dull spoon. Jenna, what about you? I don't like the Paul McCartney, The Wonderful Christmas Time song. It is so annoying. Like, I skip it in a heartbeat. I can't listen to it.

You just blasphemed. Yeah. My husband hates the wham last Christmas. What? So I make sure to play that, either the first or second song of the season. I play Christmas music November 1st. I'm getting him the shirt.

And I make sure that I play it, and I'm like, you've been whammed, and he hates it. You've been whammed, and he hates it. You've been whammed. I'm not going to make a joke on that. Joseph, what about you? Oh, I'm going to go out on a limb. Anything by Mariah Carey, I've had enough.

No. You have to know when to step back. She's so great. She's so great. Sometimes I'm by myself, just walking through a store the radio whatever and the song the little drummer boy comes on parumpapumpum and i think to myself i think i want to set my face on fire just to see if i can still feel pain i if someone was like hey listen quick, snap judgment or snap decision, a couple of days

worth of projectile rocket diarrhea or just drummer boy on repeat. 100%. I'm just heading to the bathroom. I'm just heading to the bathroom with a phone charger. I'm not coming out. I'd rather just go in there and listen to Pahrumpa Pum Pum. I think it's the worst song I've ever written. Well, that's just me. All right, let's go to Eric in Wichita, Kansas. Good luck editing all that, everybody. What's up, Eric? Hey, Dr. John.

Thank you so much for taking my call. You got it, man. Hey, thanks for calling. And you got to hear how the sausage is made, man. It's pretty good. I did. Thanks for all you do. And my wife and I are huge fans, and we listen to you for a long time.

And bricks and paintings are talked about frequently in our house. Oh, man, that's so great, dude. That's awesome, man. Yeah. So what's up, brother? How can I help? Okay, so I'm going to give you a little, just a quick snippet of a background, and then I'll ask the question. But there's a big disagreement about what my wife and I have, and it stems from our 25-year-old daughter is in a relationship.

She's now married to a convicted child molester, registered sex offender. Whoa. So she is married? She is married now, yes. Okay. And so the question is, what should be our role as Christians? What should be our role and our attitudes toward him? And I think, and I've taken the road of, I want nothing to do with him. I don't want him in my house.

I don't think he's safe. And my wife has a huge heart, and she wants to make everyone happy. And she thinks that we should forgive him and allow him to be a part of our lives and just be cautious. Okay. What was the offense? Lewd misconduct of a 14-year-old girl. So he was 20. He hooked up with a 14-year-old, didn't have sex with her, but.

Right. Okay. And of course he says he's innocent. Of course. But he, but he pled guilty. Okay. That, I mean, sometimes, sometimes that's the easiest way out. And sometimes people get bad legal advice.

And so that doesn't automatically mean that they're guilty. But yes, I've met very few people on the sex offender registry list that aren't completely innocent, bro. I didn't do anything. And I've also had some folks in my life, a couple of former students that ended up on that list, I think wholly unjustly. And so that's why that question is important, what happened. How old is he now? He's 27. Okay. Did he go to jail?

Yes. Okay. How long is he in jail? I think he was in jail for two years. Two years. Okay. And what's his life look like now? That's the thing.

It's horrible. I mean, it's... She met him. I'll just give a little more background on it if you don't mind. But she met him five or six years ago and brought him into our lives. She had left our home and gone to college and had some roommates and then decided to move in with him and his family. And not as a boyfriend, but just brought him around.

We accepted him. I never did like him, to be honest with you. Just creepy and he's a big talker. And figured out very quickly that he can't tell the truth. And so I, because my daughter liked him, I rolled my eyes and I just tried to play nice and just put up with him. And then he, and through the first couple of years, he interacted with our extended families through graduations, birthday parties, holidays, funerals. He would show up, and that's the part that's so hard for me to take now. And even my daughter, I have a couple of boys, too, and during that time, they had people here at our house all the time. This was the place where the high schoolers hung out.

And so there was girls here all the time when he was here. And we didn't know this at first about- That's a violation of his parole, huh? Well, that's what we're finding out, exactly. So he had a parole officer for a long time that did nothing, and he just could do whatever he wanted. And now just a couple, I think it was last year, he got a new parole officer and really cracked down on him.

And we're finding out what all the things he can't do. And, uh, but he just, and we didn't, like I said, we didn't know it at the time. And when about four years ago, um, they had a baby. And soon after the baby was born is where I just did a Google search. Okay. And I found out. Okay. And I confronted them, and of course, he didn't do it, and all this and that.

And I was just furious because I was just thinking back of all the times that we had put people we care about in the same room as this person. Absolutely, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then right after the baby was born, then he took off and took him away from us in retaliation of us finding out and my reaction. And we didn't see, I mean, we'd see him, but whenever we wanted to see him, we couldn't. And he just played this little manipulative game with us and took her to Vegas and basically told her, if you don't marry me, then I will take your son and you'll never see him again.

So she married him and told us about two months later. And she still, she never refers to herself as his wife or anything she doesn't um so here's a here's a couple here's a couple things hold on here's a couple things i ramble so no no no hey trust me if you've listened to my show i ramble bad so good to be another rambling man um there's a couple of false dichotomies going on here that we can just bust right through them okay you can call his parole officer and say for the last two years four years five years he's interacted with numerous teenagers and children because he deceived us as a clear violation of his parole you can report him number two your daughter can if she is trapped um if she's being

yeah if she's being held against her will relationally, she can go get an attorney and say, my husband is on the sex offender registry. He has continually violated his parole being around young kids. He threatened me to steal my child, and I tearfully and fearfully got married to him because I don't want to lose my kid. Now I'm clear-minded, I'm sober in thought, and I need out of this thing, but I don't want to lose my kid. Now I'm clear-minded. I'm sober in thought, and I need out of this thing, but I don't want to lose my baby.

Right. Well, you won't do that. I'm telling you, she won't lose her baby is what I'm saying. Yeah, right. No, we told her that, and there's more to the story. So she's adopted. We got her at two and a half years old. She's had a troubled life yeah but a good life

we had her in counseling we had her in therapy sure y'all did what you could because you loved her yeah and she's bipolar yeah and um she's but she's made bad choices and we've had when we get her by herself and have conversations it's the i know know, I know, I know, I know. We can talk sense to her, but the minute she goes back, then she is just sucked back into it. And she left him one time.

But then three days later went back. Alright, so here's... Man, I think I'm going to make everybody mad with my answer here. And I reserve the right to come back in a couple episodes and change my mind because this is one I seem to think through. You're making two choices here. Number one, am I going to be in a relationship with this guy?

And number two, am I going to be in a relationship with my daughter and my grandson? Those are two different questions you're going to be different um questions you're going to be answering but you're going to be answering with the same decision okay okay so in many ways you're playing a long game here for the heart and soul and mind of your daughter and your grandkid because this relationship doesn't last it ends we all know this right right and so we're playing a long game here the second is me and this is hard i got a six-year-old daughter okay i got 12 year old son oh yeah um but i have to say i'm a part of a society

that has rules and boundaries and penalties. And when you have paid your penance, I'm not holding up my end of the bargain if you return to society as we all agreed and I continue to not allow a shred of redemption in your life. That doesn't mean I'm going to put my hand back in the bag and get bitten by a rattlesnake again. It does mean that for me, I err on the side of redemption.

I also could give two craps about the words that come out of your mouth. I got to see actions. And so I'm less concerned that he went to jail for X number of years for what he did. He got out. He paid his penalty.

I'm way more concerned that he instantly violated parole. Because on top of being somebody who hooked up with a 14-year-old, he is somebody of no character. And more importantly, he has no regard for the law. Because, I mean, just think about it. You just get out of jail and they tell you, if you go within 200 feet of somebody under the age of 18, you violate your parole, you go back and you're going to go longer.

And he didn't care enough to leave the house. I would have left that house running and screaming when my girlfriend's little brother showed up with some of his friends. You know what I mean? Yeah. He didn't care. No, and there's just so many red flags. So here's what I would do if I was you, okay? And this is me just off the top of my head here I would invite him out to a

very direct conversation with just us two and say here's the deal you've lied to me since the day I met you you've not been a person of integrity You're on the sex offender registry list and you've got every story in the book, but fine. You're also married to my daughter and you're the father of my grandson. I'm willing to give you access to me in return, but in return for the privilege of that access to me in return, but in return for the privilege

of that access to my family is crystal clear honesty from this second forward. And you're going to have breakfast with me

once a week. You're going to check in with me. Does that make sense? So here's what you're doing. You are leaning into that relationship, So here's what you're doing. You are leaning into that relationship, but he's got to bring it. And let him know, if you choose to not come to breakfast with me,

if you choose to lie one time to me, my wife, my daughter, you are choosing to opt out of our life. And I know you've broken the law. 100 times since you got out of jail. I will do everything I can to send you back to jail. And get you out of my family's life. Everything. But I'm also willing to open up my front door to you.

If you walk the walk. Walk the walk. And here's my thinking on that. I know the recidivism rates for people who. If you walk the walk, walk the walk. Here's my thinking on that. I know the recidivism rates for people who are registered sex offenders who don't get help. People who do get help, it just depends. That's a whole other conversation. But who don't get help, it's so high. He's going to do something stupid again and hurt somebody.

But he's been let out right that's right he's out um it might be that this 14 year old looked 18 and he was what 20 and he's a young squirrely looking 18 year old looked like a young squirrely 18 year old and he happened to be 20. I understand. Whatever, right? I mean, whatever. Here we are. I'm way more concerned at his cavalierness, his,

your daughter's story. There's, his brother's in jail now for doing the same type of thing to a 10-year-old. And his dad has molested his sister and never got caught. And so, to the point where he says to my wife, don't come around when my dad's around because it's not safe.

But it's the environment they choose to live in. So maybe the harder conversation is between you and your daughter. Okay. I appreciate the idea, though. I think because since I found out, he's scared to death of me. So if I'm around, he leaves. Like if he drops off the grandbaby or whatever. I mean, you probably haven't made it super welcoming, right?

I wouldn't have. No. Absolutely not. No. I want him to be uncomfortable. There you go um and so maybe the man yeah i think i think the relationship with the daughter i think you hit she wrote me a letter about a year ago okay and i just pulled that letter out in the last couple

days and she thanked me for everything said said I made bad choices, but you still love me. And, um, actually I need to read that letter once a month. Yeah, you do, you do, you do because you beat yourself up over the situation. Now you're blaming yourself. Don't do that. Oh yeah. You guys worked your butts off. Okay. You'll love that girl with everything you had. Yes. And it might be a season, a harrowing, nightmarish season, where you call your daughter and you take her to breakfast, and you say, this man's not safe. I can't stand by and watch my grandkid, my baby girl, be in this situation.

And I also know the limits of what I can do as an adult. You're a grown-up. You can do what you're going to do. Right. And so I am choosing to opt out of our relationship for this season because you've chosen him over us. And good to you. You leaved and cleaved I just can't participate in this

I can't and I'll always love you I will not always love your decisions those aren't mutually exclusive you're right but at some point I have to for me and my family we gotta draw a line

this guy can't come to our house he can't I can't come to our house. He can't. I can't. But I could. Could we just allow her to come and bring the kiddo? And just knowing that he's not welcome, or is that just... I mean, you can, but you're putting your daughter in a position to choose between her husband and her family. Yeah, and that's what she's done the last couple years.

Yeah. The last four years, actually. That's choosing to create an environment where you know your daughter can't win. That's true. Right? That's what it is. It's what you're doing there is you're making her the,

she becomes the fulcrum of that leverage. You want what you want because you want to see that kid and you want to hug your daughter, but you do it at the expense of her husband. And so she's got to choose to exit out of her relationship momentarily with her husband to enter into a relationship with mom and dad. And then she's got to exit out of that one to get back to, I mean, that's just, just go run and be free.

If you're choosing him, go run and be free. But choosing him means you're choosing to opt out of our relationship and it breaks our heart Because we love you so deeply This one's tough man, thanks for letting me think through this one out loud. I do think um faced in a similar situation I would take him out just man to man And say here is how this is going to go and Your margin for error is zero. I better not see you spit on the sidewalk. I better not even get a whiff of you being dishonest.

You will tell the truth. And you may not even know what telling the truth looks like because your debts is a scumbag and your brothers are scumbags and you grew up in the house of evil and dysfunction and molestation and disgust i'll model for you what it looks like i'll give you a shot but because you've lied so much previously your your margin of error is zero but i'll be that man you didn't have and then it's checkmate brother your move Margin of error is zero. But I'll be that man you didn't have. And then it's checkmate, brother. Your move.

And after that, it's a hard conversation with my daughter. Let me know how that conversation with him goes. I'd love to know how that breakfast or lunch turns out. And it may be good, Eric, for you to write down what you want to say to him. That way it doesn't get emotional. It doesn't get fired up. and when he tries to protest, you can just say, hey, I just need to read you this letter. Let's start there.

That's a heartbreaker, my brother. We'll be thinking about you. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes, and if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind

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Let's go to Jenna, not in the booth, but Jenna in Madison, Wisconsin. What's up, Jenna? Hey, I'm good. How are you? Good. What's up? Hey, I just wanted to say thank you for all your insight, tools, and validation that you offer on your show. It's invaluable.

Thank you. Thank you so much. What's up? My question is, how can one go about family functions during the holidays when things such as gift exchange cannot be agreed upon? To put further emphasis on this, we are on the Dave Ramsey Baby Step 2, and I had suggested to do a creative white elephant gift with the low cost with the kids to make a fun game with it instead my thoughts were completely surpassed with my sister-in-law and she doesn't want to skip the tradition and suggested to do the usual $50 gift exchange in

addition to the white elephant um this completely defeats my purpose of my suggestion that's incredible hey so I'm thinking about let's just do white elephants. Like, cool, let's do that. And so I want to teach my kids contentment and the quality of family time. And I realize she won't change, but how do I navigate through this while maintaining my own dignity and my financial journey? You don't outsource your dignity. That's yours. Don't give that your dignity. That's yours. Don't give that to her.

Dignity is I'm doing the best thing long-term for me and my family to keep us safe. And for those listening who don't know Dave Ramsey plan, I'm a part of a team here at Ramsey Solutions to work with Dave Ramsey, who's helped millions and millions of people get their lives back and get out of debt. And we may do a whole episode on the mental health of debt. It's just madness.

There's a series of baby steps. You're on baby step two, which means you are feverishly paying off debts, knocking out credit cards and student loans and paying off car notes and all that, right? Correct, yes. A hard part of that is the holidays, is when you have to tell your kids and your family, hey, we don't have a ton of money for gifts this year. We're trying to change our lives and become safe. And you, sounds like you announced that plan to your family, and your sister-in-law was like, um, I want my gifts.

Basically. She's kind of the type that likes to keep up with the Joneses. You know, brand name this new car that um it's really difficult because in the past two whatever gifts i've gotten they've already have or have it in different color cool hey here's the deal here's the deal here's the deal you know it's hard it is but it's super not this is a great moment for you unhook any sort of comparison with them uh you're not running a race anymore you know what i mean like let's race i'm not i'm not racing you one of my greatest lessons i learned

at the mma gym is i used to walk around all the time like we got a problem bro i was that guy what an idiot and then i got worked over i got my head kicked, just beat in by a male nurse named Mateo. I'll never forget him. He was incredible. Great guy, two little kids. He was about five, six, weighed about 155 pounds, and he was a boxer, and he beat me stupid. And I remember thinking, if I had been at any little bar or restaurant, I would have been like, hey, we got a problem, bro. And I would have woke up three days later in the ER, right? And what it did is it humbled me. I quit walking around being like, Hey, I don't care. I kind of just want to have a good life. Right. And so if, if you, am I at a restaurant, you want to fight me? I'm just here. I'm going to buy you a drink. Cause you're clearly having

a bad day. And I'm going to head on to the next place I'm out. And if you're like your kids, Hey, have a great day. Have a great day. I'm out, right? I've completely unhooked myself from that. And so this is a great practice for you right now. You can tell your sister-in-law, feel free to buy all the gifts you want. We're not doing that. And if somebody wants to buy gifts for your kids, you can't absorb that shame as though you're a failure as a mom because you didn't buy those gifts too. Yeah.

There's a lot of guilt with it. My sister regularly buys more gifts for my kids than we do. And I love it. My sister doesn't have any kids of her own. She is a great gift giver. It's incredible, dude. And I love it. Bring it on.

Because I'm not competing. Does that make sense? I'm not competing. I'm not in a competition. I love my sister. I love my kids and rock it on. And if I were to call and reach out and say, hey, nobody buy gifts this year. My family wouldn't. So I don't have a bunch of, I'm not in your same situation, but you've made your boundary clear. And here's two choices let me just get to that two choices we're not coming and that's a viable choice don't go just don't go right or go and if somebody's going to be a jerk and hand out 50 gifts to everybody that's great we didn't do gifts this year just like we said we weren't right it I mean, it also makes it difficult because my daughter was failing her hearing test at school and needed to have ear surgery. And so as soon as I could get her in was on a Friday.

And it happened to be the Friday before of a weekend of my nephew's birthday party, and they lived two and a half hours away. And so I had said, like, you know, we're not going to be able to come. She's having surgery that Friday, which will work out great because then hopefully she can go back to school on Monday. And she's like, you need to change that to Monday. You're coming to his birthday party. I'm like, no, no, no, I'm not. And and then the weekend came and she's like, hey, are you guys coming?

I'm like, no, I said it wasn't a month ago. You know, so it's like that that she doesn't accept the no. And we where's your husband on this so my my husband um suggests to be passively cordial in order to not create a rift with his brother she's been doing this are very close and and she's just this and everybody in the family just says oh that's just who she is that's just who she is. That's just who she is. Okay, okay, okay. Hold on, hold on, hold on. That is. Okay, cool.

That's just who she is. And now you have a choice. Are you going to let just who she is run your life? Or are you going to say, well, this is just how I am. Me and my kids don't go to these things. Because here's the deal, Jenna. She doesn't get a vote in your life. Quit giving her a vote.

Right. Tell your husband he needs to suck it up And talk to his brother Or he needs to be making the phone calls to his brother Hey we're not coming to this thing Sure Cool man Because if he had called his brother and said

Hey one of my kids is having surgery We're not going to make your kids birthday party That's two and a half hours away. God, what a weird world we live in, dude. I can't. I'm not going to make it. His brother would have said, that's cool, man.

Right? Right. He would have. Exactly. His brother's crazy going, yeah. So maybe you tell your husband, hey, from this point forward, you're making the phone calls.

I'm not doing this anymore. Because I'm talking to somebody who is not interested in listening to us and if you're not interested in making those calls to your brother when we have to say hey we're trying to pay off debt so this year christmas is going to look different for us if you're not interested making that call great i'm not going sure right right right It's the magic word boundaries you get to choose them. It is it is Well, and and it's just been frustrating over the years and the frustration has built. Um, here's years ago Hold on. Here's why you're frustrated. Yeah, because you've allowed this to go on stop

You you you are now no longer frustrated at her You have an imaginary fantasy picture of what you wanted this life to look like, and it doesn't look like that. And you're getting more and more frustrated at you because you're not setting boundaries. Your husband's not stepping up to deal with his brother and say, Hey, man, everyone in the family is just rolling over and letting this woman take over everything.

Stop. End the frustration. Choose guilt over resentment every time. Instead of just going along and spending money you guys don't have and putting yourselves and your family on even more thin ice financially, which is going to cause you to resent her, resent Christmas, resent the gathering, resent everything. I'm not giving you that. I'm going to choose guilt. Hey, we're not going to cause you to resent her, resent Christmas, resent the gathering, resent everything. I'm not giving you that.

I'm going to choose guilt. Hey, we're not going to come. We're just not going to make it this year. It's cool. And if she chooses to throw a grown-up temper tantrum, that's what she chooses. That's her choice. I'm not doing that. I'm just not doing that, right?

So let her do her thing. Let her do her thing. Unhook it. Unhook yourself from her judgment, the Jones's judgment, the neighbor's judgment. Nobody gets a vote except for who you allow. I'm just going to quit being frustrated by other people, man. They don't have that kind of power in my life. You can have that too. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make.

This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey-trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their Home Buyer Edge program

will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we're back. Let's go to Katie in Dallas, Texas. What's up, Katie? Hi there.

What's up? Oh, just anxious. Don't be anxious. This is the anti-anxiety show. That's why I'm calling. So what's up? What's up? So my question is, how do I get over the fear slash anxiety of my husband dying?

So my husband's perfectly healthy. Like, there's nothing wrong with him so it sounds ridiculous for me to ask that whoa whoa whoa don't start out judging yourself we haven't even gotten going yet 100% chance a hundred percent chance at some point your husband dies right right right that's just a statement that's a fact There's a period at the end of that sentence It happens at some point So you're not crazy Okay

Okay Your alarm systems may be going off They may be detecting things Whatever But you're not crazy Okay Your body's just trying to take care of you So tell me more

My husband and I first started dating We were about 22 and 24 And he told me Hey I think I'm going to die at 25 I just have this feeling I've had this feeling my whole life My husband and I first started dating, we were about 22 and 24. And he told me, hey, I think I'm going to die at 25. I just have this feeling. I've had this feeling my whole life. So until he turned 25, I was like panicking. And then, of course, he's fine.

We're 30 and 31 now. But at dinner the other night, I asked him, I was like, hey, what's your goals for life? You know, mine was like to write a book and to maybe have kids. And so I was expecting something like start a business or something. And he told me, he was like, I'm going to die young. And I was like, what? And he was like, I'm going to die young. I think about 60. And it just immediately set off like all this anxiety, like I'm have to be alone i'm not gonna be safe my kids are only gonna have you know a father till he's 60 that's

so young and like just started feeling anxious about every time around my husband i'm like is this you know the last moment we're gonna be together like just these outrageous like thoughts coming in have you lost somebody Did your dad pass away? Um, no, but wow. I don't know why that's triggering an emotion. Um, I don't have a good relationship with my father.

Okay. Um, he did adopt me. Okay. And then my biological father was completely absent. Okay. So your body knows that story, right?

Yeah. That the man that's signed up to take care of you leaves. Yeah. Yeah. It knows that in the mitochondria. It knows that all the way down to the core. Right? I told you at the beginning of this call

you're not crazy okay now your husband his death projections are they're avoidance strategies for the hard terrifying work

that every person has to go through which is how do I make a good life and it's easier just to be like well I'm gonna die anyway work that every person has to go through, which is how do I make a good life? And it's easier just to be like, well, I'm going to die anyway. To avoid the, what if I did start a business? Yeah. But what if it fails? What if I did have three kids? Yeah. But one of them got sick. What if I wasn't a good dad?

What if they just annoy me and they spend all my money? I'll just do nothing. It's just, it's an anxiety response. It's a depression response, right? That makes a hundred percent sense. I never thought of that, but that makes a track. He is, um, it happened to me the other night, the Astros were playing and I caught myself after the sixth or seventh time in the playoffs um with my little son with my son was watching it together and we're cheering him on and somebody would get out or they'd make an error and i would say oh that's it i don't like it that's it next guy's gonna hit get a hit i didn't

know more know the next guy was gonna get a hit you know what i was doing i was subconsciously projecting i was practicing the next guy in line hitting a home run and the Astros losing I was practicing it the great Amos Tversky he's a psychologist uh he's he's just one of the smartest men to ever live he said being pessimistic is stupid because if it comes through you've experienced it twice once when you thought about it once what actually happens what a dumb way to live. You know what I mean? And so your husband is like, well, I'm going to avoid failure. I'm going to avoid the hard tasks of leaning in.

Well, he's got clearly got some stuff that happened to him when he was a kid that made him think very short term, had very short term thinking, right? The difference between abundance thinking and a poverty mindset, right? All I have to say is this. Sometimes the question, what are your life goals, is terrifying if somebody's never seen that play out. That's a terrifying question. It's big. And he's faced some big failures, so it makes sense. There you go.

Like why he would feel that way. Yeah, dude, I've tried, man. I got in the ring. I got knocked out. I got embarrassed. I got in the ring. I got knocked out. I got embarrassed. I got hit so hard I peed my pants. I'm not getting back in there. Right?

Yeah. And then he's like almost hoping the world takes him in four or five years. Because it just feels like it would be better than just hurting all the time. And now he's been with you for several years and you're great. So he doesn't want to just disappear because you're awesome, but 60 is fine That's when I start getting old And it takes longer to pee and it hurts when I stand up, right? You know what I mean? Yeah, he's just doing the math And the question what are your life goals?

I remember the the first title I wanted to, like the book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future. I wanted to name it, How to Change Everything. And I was all excited about that title. And I told my wife and she goes, I would never read that book. It's too much. I can't change everything. And I was like, well, you can just change it all. And she's like, that's too much. Because I got two little kids. I can't change that. I'm married to you. I can't change that. We live here. Right right so all I have to say is this I would break these questions up into smaller digestible chunks Where do you want to live?

Where do you want to live? Let's just make like a plan where do you want to live would you read a book with me? And then i'll read the next one and you read the next one. I don read books i know let's just would you just do it for me we'll go on a wild romantic rendezvous after we finish every book how about that right whatever the thing is yeah um would you like how much sex you want to have this year this month this week Would you plan that with me? Right? So we're taking what this, what are your goals? What's this life going to look like? And we're just breaking it up into smaller chunks. And here's what we're doing. Not what are our goals? We're answering the question, who do we want to be? Who do we want to be? What kind of non-anxious life do we want to build for

ourselves? And then what do we got to do? I think that's more what I was looking for. It was. Asking that question. It was. And the questions, what are your life goals? Instantly set off. Dude, I'm not, I don't even want to be here. Right?

He didn't even answer your question. And then here's an important thing. As his wife, you get to say, I don't accept that. I reject that. You married me. You don't get to cash out at 60. Yeah. Because that's just when it starts getting weird and I get super wrinkly.

You got to ride it. If you're taking all my pretty years, you got to ride out my last 30. Right? And you'll still be beautiful in the last 32, by the way. So, he can run his mouth about dying in 30 years cool but in the meantime you want to partner with him on creating a life worth living with the time you got left yeah because my first response was like well we might as well not do

anything no you're mentally yep that's your anxiety talking yeah all right that's the fight or flight or freeze like what can't fight this guy i can't run from it so i'm just gonna shove it all down all right i'm just gonna sit on it and if you sit on it long enough if you compress it all down another word for compress you know if you push your hands down is to depress right and your body just says this is this let's just don't move this is safe no one will see us we can ride this thing out and then we're done and as for me katie i'm not interested in that kind of life me either right so two two important takeaways here the next time your body takes off on you, don't start with, I should have, or I've got to. Just be curious. What's my body trying to tell me right now? What's

it scared of? What's my body trying to protect me from? Oh, another man says he's going to leave me. And then you look at him and be like, you don't get to, right? The other two did, you don't get to. Or maybe the next time it's you catch him glancing some way and it makes you feel small or he says he doesn't want to have sex one night and you suddenly feel your body just starts and like, what am I being curious? I'm just going to be curious. What is my body trying to tell me? Oh, I don't like, I took that as rejection. Maybe it has nothing to do with it, right? You start being curious

about what your body's trying to tell you. Your body's a pretty good signal giver if we can listen to it. The second thing is be direct with him. You promised me. You told God and our family and all of our friends that you're in this with me. If you die when you're 60, you die when you're 60.

But until we get there, you and I, I want us to build a life worth living. What is that going to look like? Where do we want to live? What do we want to do? How much sex do we want to have? Do we want to have kids? Do we not want to have kids? What do we want that to look like? Where do we want to live? What do we want to do? How much sex do we want to have? Do we want to have kids? Do we not want to have kids?

Like, what do we want that to look like? If you die when you're 60, we'll deal with that when you're 60. That's not an excuse to cash out for the next 30 years. And he may need to go talk to a counselor. In fact, I think it'd probably be wise. I wish he would. I've been trying have you gone

yes have you invited him to your session uh no give that a shot i haven't mentioned it to him no you've passively been like well it's helping me maybe it would help you that's not it you're right it's not it say it would mean the world to me if you came to my next counseling session with me. I ain't going to that. That's dumb. You can think it's dumb all you want. You get to do that.

But I'm asking you as your wife, for me, would you go? Because I'm trying to learn some different ways to love you better and it would help if you were there. And that's that. Sister is taking a risk, right? Right.

Yeah. He's lucky to have you. And your biological dad didn't leave because of you. And that man who adopted you, I'm so glad he saw you when you were young and said, I want to take her home. And whatever's gotten sideways in y'all's relationship isn't on you. He's your dad.

Right? Right. Okay. It's a high honor in my day that I got to meet you and talk to you. Same to you. I appreciate you taking the time to talk with me. I want you from this call forward to start being nicer to you. I appreciate you taking the time to talk with me I want you from this call forward to start being nicer to katie because you're mean to katie Quit being mean to katie

You've had enough mean in your life. That would be nice. Is that fair? It is fair 100 all right being mean is How am I gonna deal with this moment right now? being kind is, what might next week or next month or next year look like and what can I do now to get there? Mean is short-term thinking. Kind is tomorrow thinking.

Mean is, I can beat you today at the polls. Kind thinking is, man, what kind of world are our kids about to inherit 10 years from now Mean is You're an idiot Kind is I'm sorry, here, you go ahead of me Mean is

Katie, why did you do that again You're just going to make it met Kind is, hey, honey, let's build a life worth living. You promised me you would. You're in, I'm in. I won't ask you what your goals are anymore, but I am going to ask you how much sex you want to have. I'm going to ask you where you want to eat for dinner. I'm going to ask you, where do you want to live? We're going to figure those things out. Build a life worth living.

We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Wrap up today's show. Thank you so much for joining us. Get the Questions for Humans cards. Go to johndeloney.com. Get the Questions for Humans. Save your holidays.

Change your marriages. Have a great New Year's. And today's song of the day. It's one of my favorite bands. I should probably get this tattooed above my lower back. No, you've got so many lower back tattoos, Kelly. This is more of a shoulder tattoo kind of band. It's from the Great Turnstile from their incredible album Glow On. The song's called Blackout, and it goes like this. Blackout in the middle of the night. Nope, I did that wrong. Blackout in the middle of the

light. And now I'm back down with a feeling and I collide you know it won't be long until the end let the spotlight shine on me again blackout in the middle of your life just like a blackout in the middle of the night you know it won't be long until the end let the spotlight shine on me and if it makes you feel alive well then I'm happy I provide and when you see me on the floor it's just a part of my show oh yeah it's just a part of my show wow what a great song go check it out we'll see you soon love you guys