The Dr. John Delony Show - My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)

Episode Date: June 2, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·       A mom wanting to reestablish communication with her estranged daughter ·       A wife wondering if sleeping in separate beds will improve her marriage ·       A husband considering a career change for the sake of his family Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch    Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.   💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.    🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm calling you about my daughter. Okay. She's 30. We homeschooled our kids. We raised them in the church. It got further and further away and then she broke up with us with a text. I can't think of a, like I'm, again my kids aren't 30, but I can't think of a worse situation. Woo! What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Delote Show.

Hope you are doing amazing. I'm trying to figure out what day it is. Back and forth all over the United States on tour with my buddy Dave, and it is a blast. And hope you are doing well wherever you happen to be. If you wanna be on the show, I'd love to have you real people going through real challenges. Go to johndoloney.com slash A-S-K, ask,

and I'd love to have you out here. All right, let's go to Indianapolis, Indiana, and talk to Luanne. What's up, Luanne? Well, it's Tuesday, just so you're aware. What day did I say it was? Did I say it was Monday? You didn't. I don't know where. Yeah it's good to talk to you. Thank you for telling me that. I did not know what day it was. Thank you for having me on. I appreciate it. No it's awesome. I

legitimately did know it was Tuesday so thank you for that. What's up? Well, I'm calling you about my daughter. Okay. She's 30. We also have three sons who are, I don't know, between 35 and 45. So we're old enough to retire, but we're not yet because we're just having too much fun working. We homeschooled our kids. We raised them in the church.

They went to public university. Probably when she was about 22, 23, 24, in that she started just being too busy to talk. Couldn't talk, couldn't talk, couldn't talk. She does not communicate except by text. Can't call either of our younger two kids on the phone. That's just not right. And it got further and further away. And then last fall, she broke up with us with a text.

She sent us a text saying she wanted to go no contact, that she didn't want to discuss why. And she would let us know when she was ready to talk to us again. So I'm kind of just stuck out here going, well, what's next for me? So, A, let's acknowledge like that, regardless of what went on, what's going on, what's up, what's down, that's just hard. Yeah.

I can't think of a, like I'm, again, my kids aren't 30, but I can't think of a worse situation. Well, you know, and I grew up in a world where, of course, I wanted to cut my parents off. Sometimes they were really stupid. Yeah. But I would never, ever. You just don't. Yeah. Except they did.

Yep. So, anytime I have a challenge like this, I always go back to what my buddy Jordan Bunch taught me one time, which is anytime I have some sort of relational challenge, I always want to start one place and one place only, the mirror. Okay. So, if you back out, the data says that you just told me you've got four kids, three of them refuse to speak to you. No, one.

But I mean, the other ones just text you? Two will talk on the phone. One does text. But we're not in the same town. So there's that factor too. So at some point it's like, okay, so I'm the common denominator here and I raise these kids. If you're being fully honest with yourself, not trying to defend yourself, but being fully honest with you and your husband

What's the challenges that they're putting on the table why that why are they cutting off contact or why they limiting contacts so much with you I'm telling you she won't say You've got an inkling or your other siblings will pitch something out every once in a while or they'll tell you why they only want To text or why they're busy something out every once in a while or they'll tell you why they only want to text or why they're busy. Um, all right. Let me say it this way. You're too smart.

I can already tell you're too smart to just be like, I don't know. Like you have some inkling. I am trying to figure that out. Okay. That's part of what's going on here. Um, the oldest two say this is nuts. She's being, this is not right. The third one says boggled.

And I have asked her, in fact, in her late teens, early 20s, she was in therapy. I was too, not because of each other. It was for separate issues, but because we were in a small town and it was convenient, we used the same therapist. He did a stupid therapist thing one day and started talking to me,

dealing with something she was dealing with. That's not a stupid therapist thing. That is a highly unethical, should be unlicensed, and not be able to sit with people. And I went blank and I just looked at him because I knew what was happening and he said, "'Oh my God, I just did it and I shouldn't have he acknowledged it and he went on but he did tell me again unethical There's two things you need to talk to your daughter about you need to figure these two things out and I we she and I talked

about one Four times since then and she was like I said, maybe 20 at most four times I have said can we talk about the other thing? But that I don't know what it is and I've told her that and she says no you don't know what it is 20th most, four times I have said, can we talk about the other thing? But that I don't know what it is. And I've told her that, and she says, no, you don't know what it is. And she'll say, no, I'm not ready.

And then Christmas a year ago, she said, I will never be ready to talk to you about that. So I suspect it's that, but I can't, I've racked my brains. She tells me I need to do some self-reflection. My best friend says I'm the queen of self-reflection. My best friend says I'm the queen of self-reflection. So I'm trying to figure out. I'm really trying to figure out. Now, when I go to the boards or when I go to websites and I go try to find out

more about this phenomenon, the consensus is, you know, you're just not acknowledging. And I'm being honest, I want to acknowledge, I don't know. Well, okay, so let's just flip the date around because I misheard you at the beginning. If you have four kids and three of them talk to you somewhat regularly, you all live in separate towns, you all aren't like buddy buddy, but you all talk, you text, you show up for holidays, and then you have one outlier, then what I would suggest is trying to figure out intellectually what's going on is futile. You don't know because you've got somebody that's that the it sounds like the limited

power she feels like she has is a thing you don't know. And you took care of her raising, you took care of her morals, you took care of her school, you wouldn't, and that can be flipped to, you didn't let me be around real people, you didn't let me have my own ideas, you didn't let me have my own life, and then I got to out in the real world. And this is one of the challenges, I think, with that we have this whole homeschool movement now, and I don't have a problem with it, it's fine. But it's going to come at a cost. and I know that because I've worked with these with

thousands of college students for 20 years, they are overwhelmed with the new new ideas, new world and you can't, you cannot, you can sit them to the college of your choice that just regurgitates what you taught them, which I think is a terrible idea, but then they get, they're gonna get to the real world where there's no filter anymore, right? Right, I suspect there's some terrible idea, but then they're gonna get to the real world where there's no filter anymore. Right? Right. I suspect there's some of that.

We did try. We did try. Sure, sure. And it's not an indictment of you, but I'm saying like that can be flipped to from, dude, my parents really tried to shield me from all of this. And I found myself- Well, who doesn't try to shield their kids from some horrible thing? Well, of course, of course.

But I'm just saying like it can be a 25-old can say, dude, my parents did the best they could with what they got, with what they had, and they tried to protect me from madness. And I wish they had given me some more skills, but here we are. Or they can completely demonize you. And any of the discomfort they have in their life, which all 25-year-olds have, you become an easy target. Yeah. But here's the deal.

Trying to figure this out intellectually is a waste of your time. Cause it sounds, I'm trusting you that you have actually looked in the mirror and tried to figure it out. And that there's not, I'm gonna rattle a couple of things off. Okay, this is more for the audience and for you. But if you can honestly say you do not know of a weird uncle or a strange

encounter with with her dad whether that's your husband or a stepdad or something if you can honestly say I don't know anything about that Honestly say I didn't invite somebody over who had a strange kid who put her in awkward positions if you can honestly say We walked through I taught you about sex, I taught you about some of these harder, bigger issues, we had conversations. If you can honestly walk through and say, I don't know any of that stuff, those are usually, not usually, those are often the big cutoff points. Like mom and dad, you didn't protect me. And then after that, who knows what adventure she's on.

And I think you have to let yourself get out from behind your intellectual shield and just be really, really sad. I miss my baby girl. Okay. My husband's been encouraging me to do that for a while. And when she cut off last fall, he said, there you go. There's nothing we can do. I will disagree with him on one thing.

Okay. I'll disagree with him on one thing. Okay. I'll disagree with him on one thing. And that is? Yeah, I'm trying to think of the right way to say it. Um. Well, you could say it the wrong way and walk it back. I could, yeah. So there's a fine line for me between... Well, I'm just going to, I'll paint a big, huge picture here.

She's asked you not to call her or text her. She's asked for no contact. And I want to honor that. I want to honor that. And also... And I have been. I know, I know, but also I'm trying, I'm talking myself in this, I'm thinking myself in the circles here. So I'm going to, I'm going to do what you said.

I'm going to speak this out and then I may walk get back. Often young people, and I'll say 30 and younger, maybe even older, trying to heal a broken relationship with a parent in their life or with an adult figure will put down these big gauntlets. And some of it is very real, especially in abusive situations, especially when there is abuse, when there has been neglect,

when there's been some catastrophic stuff. And in your situation, I'm trusting that is completely off the table. That didn't happen. So the next layer is, I want to see if you'll come get me. So I'm imagining my kids right now, if one of them said, I'm going no contact, please don't call me, don't text me. So I'm imagining my kids right now if one of them said I'm going no contact, please don't call me, don't text me. I'm not coming to don't invite me to Christmas or whatever. I hear that.

And I might send you a letter once a week or once a month. And just says just so you know, I love you. And you're welcome home at any time. And I can see even where that might be run into legal issues. If it would be considered harassment, if somebody said I've given you Clear do not contact me not touch me. I mean don't come after me But there's gonna come a moment when something happens in your kids life and they're open their eyes real wide and they want their mom And their dad and they're gonna think I burn the bridge to the ground to get back home

And I want there to be a breadcrumb back to my house. And so I guess, I don't know, I've just sat with too many 25 year olds who say I can't go home. And I want to tell them, I bet that I bet you can. So maybe maybe that's it, Luanne. If I knew as a parent, I was physically abusive. I knew what I thought to be spanking was I went overboard. If I knew that there was physical abuse, if I knew I dragged a kid to a church for 15

years and didn't know they were being molested by something, like if there was some major catastrophic trauma and they said, I need to go no contact, I would actually honor that. And I can see, I could understand that. Yeah. If there is a young person who is some sort of ideological temper tantrum who's some sort of has created a story and They're just going on and on and on your 30 your 25. I can't do anything about it But I might send you a postcard I might not postcards sound kind of cheesy I might send you a letter I want you to open you can by the way you could throw the letter away every Every week you're a grown-up. You can throw it away. You can put it in the shredder.

You can send me a legal document or you can send me a text message. I continue to receive your letters. Do not send me another letter again. Okay, I would honor that. My guess is in this situation, she wouldn't do that. What she might not want to respond to is the text message says, Hi, how are you? Or thinking about you, because she might have come up with a story that you're manipulative. And any sort of contact like that is manipulative,

but there's something about a letter that somebody can open and they can hold and they can see it and they can go back to it. And it begins to punch a hole in their story. Or she might show it to- I would love to be able to do that, but when she went contact, she moved. Okay. I have no idea, she moved. Okay.

I have no idea where she is. Okay. Or maybe you write a letter and you keep it in your house and one day if you reconcile, you hand her the whole box. Okay. I have been doing that. Okay. Okay.

That's pretty amazing. You hand her the whole box and say, I want you to know I didn't know how to get a hold of you, but I never stopped looking for you. And by the way, these days it takes about eight minutes to find somebody. Hmm. Okay. I mean, through social media, through an old friend. I mean, it's, it's not hard. It's not hard. So yeah, I mean, I would go for that. I'd go after it and I don't know. It's hard. I'm heartbroken for you. And I would probably try to reach out to my older kids one more time. We talk most weeks. Yeah.

And they honestly can look at you and say, Mom, we have no idea. They have. Has she cut them off too? I don't think so. I don't ask them. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to get information from them. I know, but Louie, they have to know. Okay, I'll ask.

Don't you think? I would think so, but I also don't. I could see her saying, ah, she's trying to get information from you, huh? I just, I believe that that would- Yes, but here's the thing. Yes, I miss my daughter I'll try to get information from everybody And I would tell my older kids I am putting you in an awkward position if you know anything that I've done if that I that I did that I missed

Please please help me. I'm drowning here Mm-hmm. I do I do feel like though that the culture the I do feel like though that the culture, the atmosphere around this phenomenon is saying you don't have the right to miss your child. Well, that's insanity and it's stupid. They have made an adult's decision and you're just going to have to accept it. Well, I'm going to make an adult decision and let my kid know I'm never going to, I'll storm the gates of hell to come get you. Because I know too many people in their 40s and 50s that don't have a relationship with

their 70 or 80 year old parents and it's killing them. It's killing them. That's what I, and we did talk about that at one point in time. I said, you know, I just feel like someday I'm going to be gone and you're going to think, oh my gosh. No, that's the wrong way to say it. That's you trying to exert power over her. Don't do that.

Okay. I want you to flip it around because that's you standing tall. I want you to actually take a seat on a park bench and put your face in your hands and sob because my daughter doesn't want to come home. Not making it like one day you're going to miss me. No, I genuinely didn't think see it that way. I know, I know, I know. But but like this. Yes, you're correct. One day she's gonna wish she had talked to her mom. I think you're right. But that's not the way to come at her.

Okay. It's to say I miss my baby girl. And clearly I've done something, I've said something, I was away and I don't know what it is. I've tried, I've asked everybody I know, I've called everyone I know. And I'll respect you, just know that you can always come home. And that's what I would, there's talking to your other kids, her siblings about, well, do you know what's wrong with her? Why

is she so mad at me? That's one way to go about it. The other way to go about it is, hey, I'm putting you on an awkward position. I can't sleep, I can't breathe. My stomach hurts all the time. It's like the 99 in one, she, I just want to bring my baby home. I just wanted to tell her I love her. And I've done something and I don't know what it is. One is very much a position of power,

and one is one of great humility. If any of y'all know anything, please tell me. I'm drowning over here. And do you get the difference in posture? I do, I do. Do you ever wonder if you start really crying on this thing if you'll ever be able to stop? Oh yeah.

I think you have to go there. I have been. Okay. You sound tough to me. Well, there's a lot going on right now that's not this. Okay. I'll just say that. That's fair.

But I have been there a half dozen times at least since this started. Okay. started. Okay Okay. Yeah, I'm gonna get some hate on this call and that's fine. I The culture doesn't get a vote into my family's life and the culture can be nonsensical and insane sometimes and yes adults have the full right To not contact their parents and not talk to them, especially in abusive situations. No question about it. And I'll support you to the end of the video. And I wouldn't argue with that at all.

Yeah, that's absolutely appropriate. And adults have the, have permission, have the right to, they're adults. They can just say, I don't want everyone to talk to you again, don't call me, don't talk to me, whatever, we're done, cool. You have a right to do that. And until you file a legal briefing on me, I'm going to send you a letter once a month

letting you know I'm still thinking about you. There's still a hole in my heart because I miss my kid and you can come home anytime. You can come home anytime and I'll meet you out in the parking lot. I'll come running to get you. I think we've got this weird impasse that's happened and culturally that if you're uncomfortable or you're not happy or somebody's not a hundred percent in alignment with you that that means you got to end everything. My buddy Ian Simpkins said the other day, unity doesn't require uniformity. And I think that's right.

Yeah, as for me and my house, my kids are gonna know I'll come to the ends of the earth for you and beyond. And if that's culturally not cool, then so be it. Then so be it. And if I have things I have to apologize for, which God knows I do, I'll be the first to take a knee and apologize. But that doesn't give parents the right to not be pretty self-critical, not look in the

mirror and really be honest about what you might have brought to this situation. It's real easy for parents just to bomb their adult kids. And I think it's fair to do a lot of self-reflection when somebody that you love says, I don't want to be in a relationship with you. We come back, we hear from a woman who wants to know if maybe having separate beds will improve her sex life. We'll be right back. Okay, I grew up playing sports

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What's up, Christine? Hi. What's up, Christine? Hi. What's up? Oh, I, sorry, I'm a little nervous, but... I'm so nervous too. We're good. But I was wondering if having separate beds would help me and my husband's second wife. I don't know. What do you think? Well, I just kind of was contemplating in a little bit Why separate beds? Little bit of background. I think I have some

Sorry, um, you're good. I Don't know how to describe this best but When our first night in our first apartment after being married, I woke up to him screaming Hold on sit with me for a second. No, don't you better not apologize. I'm hanging up on you. No apologizing I'm sitting here right here. Okay, I Think there's a lot of elements into this but I think I... Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Sit with me for a second. Okay. You don't need to scramble on this one. How many little ones do you have back there with you? I'm sorry. No, you're good. I love that. It's one of my favorite noises in the world. Do what?

I have three. One of them's asleep, the other two are chittering. I love it, I love it. Okay, do me a favor. Take your left hand and I want you to open it as wide as you can and stretch it all the way out, okay? And then I want you to slowly close your pinky and then your ring finger and then your middle finger and then your index finger and then your middle finger and then your index finger And then your thumb

And squeeze that as tight as you can Okay And then let go Now I could feel your shoulders up around your neck bring him down All right, so the first night you spent with your husband, you woke up and he was screaming. He had a lot of neglect and trouble for his family. Yeah. That scare you?

I won't really hurt for him. Did that scare you? I, I, well, it didn't hurt for him. I know, I know, but did that scare you? Well, in that moment, yeah. Okay. How long have you all been together? Seven, almost seven years, six, almost seven. Okay. How many more times has that happened?

That was the only time that's happened, but there's been other times he's woken up and following his ID, shaking. But that's the only time he's clean. And he's been on medication. I had to convince him the first year of marriage to get on medication and he's improved a lot, but he says a lot that he can't sleep unless I'm next to him. Unless you are next to him or not next to him? Unless I'm next to him.

Okay. I think he says the presence, my presence just brings a lot of comfort Okay, and relax helps him relax and I like that I can do that for him. But sometimes it's a lot In a moment you can help regulate his nervous system, but that can't be y'all's long-term solution regulate his nervous system, but that can't be y'all's long-term solution. Yeah, and he's been doing therapy on and off. Our finances have been hard, so it's kind of, there's been times we just can't afford it. Yeah.

But... What's he do for a living? But he, um, it's kind of been all over the place, but he's finally found something that he really loved. It's, um, like, animatronics,atronics in the sense of like manufacturing. Okay. I'm hearing that. I think I-

Go ahead. Sorry. I just think I feel a lot of weight to stabilize him. You do. Um, mentally and he's, he's progressing but it's really slow. Yeah. You sound like you're somebody who is a really amazing person and you're very kind and you're very, very, very, very, very loyal. And that you're on your last bit of energy before you slip underwater for good.

Fair? Okay. So, I'm going to normally I would talk to you for a long time about this, but because of our condensed time together, I'm going to be real, real direct. Okay? Don't take that for me not being loving, but I want to be real direct. Okay? If you crumble under the weight of all of this, you'll be of no good to yourself or

to those three little kids in the background or to him. Okay? It's okay for you to say I've reached the end of what I can carry because you're carrying the entire house plus a grown man. Emotionally, sexually, spiritually. It's too much. Okay. And we've had conversations about it and I feel like we can't type a little bit harder every time we talk about it. I know but Christine, it's not about trying harder. He's got to go get well. And I know you say you can't afford it right now. There's got to go get well. And I know you say you can't afford it right now. There's got to be some way to address that head on and figure that one out.

And that's where you take all the kids and you all move into a one bedroom apartment for six months. That's where you have to get a job and you've got to let some neighbor come in or your family come in and like there's got to be some sort of drastic change Okay, because you're drowning financially he feels that he feels that shame but also he's got some demons, right Yeah, what did he experience growing up? Um his dad would raise fit And he's bipolar and then his mom's a

plural and personality disorder and like she would manipulate him to blow and he'd blow and he'd never physically hurt them. But you know, there'd be holes in the walls and there was always a worry if, if they had food. He became like the parent to his siblings. Yeah. I'm sorry. No, we sorry.

You sound tired. Like I've been trying to, I'm starting a business and... Is now a good time'm starting a business and... Is now a good time to start a business, Christine? Well, kind of out of necessity. We need something and it seems like it's going to be very profitable. What's the business? I think it's medical billing. It's something I can do at home.

And that's what I can do at late at night when the kids are asleep. Okay. I had a friend of mine who did that well into the night for years. Okay. When does your husband work? He gets up at five and comes home at six thirty. He works long and he can't push anymore overtime to be able to make ends meet because too much emotion for him. Do you have any support in your area?

My mom helps out with the kids a lot. My sister is moving back in the state and she can help me. I wonder if you and your husband have a very honest sit down conversation about... You got to get some help. I can hear in the background. You just got to get some help. I can hear in the background, you just gotta get some help. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah.

You gotta get some support. And that might mean that your mother comes in three days a week or four days a week, and y'all pay her way under market rate to watch the kids. And that's not ideal, it's not what you want, but it may be what you have to do. He sounds like he is working his butt off from 5 a.m. to 6 30. He is just gunning and gunning and gunning.

And in his mind, he's trying to quote unquote work harder. I'm just telling you right now, given his childhood, it's just a recipe. He's going to crash. And it's not saying working hard isn't important. Good grief, I've worked those hours for years, but it's about towards an end, it's running to something, not from something. And man, I know the season of three kids that are young and it's chaos and it's exciting and it's exhausting and all that stuff, but you have to have a support of some sort where you can have a phone call, where you can exhale.

Hang on the line, Christine. I'm going to send you a couple of things. Number one, I'm going to send you my book, Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want you all to read that, you and your husband, and use that as a roadmap. The six daily choices, I want you all to use that as a map. There's questions at the end of every chapter. You all sit down and answer those questions together. The second thing I'm gonna send you is,

I'm gonna send you the financial piece university, the digital stuff so that you and your husband can go through those lessons together. And you can begin to get your money under control. The third thing I'm gonna send you, the Every Dollar App, the premium version, I'll give that to you for a year. And you all two can use that together.

You can align your money and you can get that attached to your bank account. And you can start having honest conversations about if nothing changes, nothing changes. And we got to have some, we got to get some help, both emotional help and you got to get some help with those kids, whether it's from your mom, whether it's from a neighbor, whether it's from a teenager, whether it's from your sister, whatever it is, and get very serious about it and regimented about it. And you all got to get some more income.

And here's the big one. I'll give you a couple of months for free, three months free with better help for your husband, but he's going to need some in-person trauma therapy. And this isn't just going to a counselor hit and miss. He's got to sit down with a trauma therapist in your area. It's going to be expensive. It's going to be worth every penny of it to say it's time for me to get well because I don't want to pass this on to the next generation and I deserve to be free.

Christine you call anytime I'm with you I'm with you I'm with you. But I think an honest conversation about I've carried what I can carry for as long as I can carry and I got to set some of the stuff down. It's not gonna be an indictment of him it's just gonna be a reorienting going, both running as hard as you can. And there just has to be an honest reckoning with this week. We got to just set stuff down. And we got to reconfigure this because we can't keep carrying it the way we're going. Have your husband give me a call anytime, Christine. Thank you so much for the call. We come back, we're going to talk to a man who's thinking about a career change that might help his family situation. I've been on board

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Chicago, Illinois, let's talk to Mark. What's up, Mark? Hey, Dr. John, how's it going? What's up, brother? Oh, just relaxing at home and enjoying a day off of work. Very cool, man. I wonder what that's like. That sounds awesome. What's up, man? Good for now. So yeah, I've been wrestling with a couple things here over the last couple weeks, just trying to find that right balance of work and family time and we have a seven month old daughter and.

Oh man. Welcome to it, dude. I love her to death, man. It's one of the best things I've ever been doing in my life, really. Honestly, I'm trying to figure out if it's really the time for me to step into a role where I'm able to be home a lot more and help my wife raise our daughter. And, um, and it's just, you know, honestly, this job that I'm doing right now, it just, it's taken me putting a lot of hours away from home and it's kind of beating me up mentally physically every now and then. So do you

have a job in mind? Somewhat so I do have a little bit of experience in the financial background. Before this job, I worked at a bank for a few years. I had regular hours, obviously, and I was treated real well. Basically, the reason I moved to this role was something, it was something I was basically trained to do and basically went to do and basically went to and actually went to school for it and I know but let me ask you a question do you have a thing that you you could go to do you have a job that you could walk into do you have a job offer on the table do you have a direction I do not okay what's the job you're doing now uh So I'm a golf instructor. Okay. And do you like playing golf?

I enjoy it. I don't play very much right now just with how crazy work is. Okay. I guess this is my big answer. I always want people to take six months to a year after a major life change because nobody's sleeping when you have a seven month old in the house. Your marriage takes a dip. Like the research says that the overall marriage satisfaction takes a dip because you have to readjust.

You're married to new people. Now you have to create a new thing together and There's guilt there is a guilt on both sides there is frustration on both sides there is challenges on both sides and There's challenges moving forward together. Here's what I don't want you to do. I don't want you to quit your job a with no other job. B. I don't want you to quit your job. Go to a job that you didn't like before but that would let you be home more because here's what will end up happening. You'll blame this little lump of a one-year-old for your misery. And that won't be fair to her. That won't be fair to your wife. It won't

be fair to anybody. If you love being a to your wife, it won't be fair to anybody. If you love being a golf instructor and you love a job where you're outside meeting new people and you're shaking hands and over the next year or two, you can start learning about businesses they're doing and ask, how do you get into that business? And then suddenly you may be down a track you had no idea about, then that would be awesome

if you have an aim somewhere. But I guess I would tell you, if you wanna get a new job, if you hate being a golf instructor, just have the courage to say, I don't like being a golf instructor. Don't blame it on the seven month old. If you are finding, I would rather not be at work, I'd rather be at home, I like being here with this little

kid, I like being in the life of this kid, awesome. But I want you to have a conversation, an imaginary conversation with 35 year old you. Right. And say, are we glad that we didn't, that we put some more time in and we're struggling here and we're struggling here and we're struggling here, or would have been better if I'd just hit the gas

when the kid was seven months old, one year old, two years old, three years old, and now we're in a situation where we can exhale a little bit. Only you can answer that question. Is your marriage struggling right now? Honestly, how I looked at it last week was, came home after a rough day. And I, we were in a beer, good marriage wise, but then sometimes we get into the

habit of, uh, taking out frustrations and kind of snapping at each other just because of a long day at work. And then we, we talked for it and, uh, we're good otherwise with that. And we've, uh, one of the good things about our marriage is that we don't yell at each other. If we have, if we feel like there's something going on, we actually sit down, talk it out very calmly, give each other a lot of room to air out their frustrations or anything, and then we can do it very calmly and very respectfully at least.

I don't even, I mean, respect is always important, but it doesn't even have to be calm. I don't even, I mean, respect is always important, but it doesn't even have to be calm. Sometimes calm can be a move. So back all the way out, why do you want to change jobs? Because, so pardon me, is a little fearful of not being home. What are you afraid of? So my wife, she was also grew up in a house where her dad was not present as much because he was working very often.

He was, he traveled for work and everything. And she went through that, that time in her life and seeing her mom, uh, kind of having to raise her and her brother on her own a little bit. I don't want to have, and also with, uh, my wife's work, uh, she also has, has her crazy busy times, late nights and everything. And it would be a lot better balance for us because our busy times actually kind of overlap a little bit and it gets a little... And...

Is she telling you to move? I can't get to the bottom of this, dude. Like you talk, you're talking in like big looping, slow circles. It's like really big seasons a little bit. And then we have a fight, but it's, it's, it's okay. And then we have a disagreement, but it's, we just, we're calm and we're, I'm trying to find some sort of,

maybe you're just a total chill guy and the world needs more of people like you. I'm trying to poke and prod and see if I can find something that lights you up. I can't feel, I can't get a grasp on what you love or what you wanna do. It sounds like your whole life, you're trying to play defense

and you're playing predictive defense. Well this happened when she was a kid so I'm going to go ahead and do this now and then this happened so it might happen here and then this happened it might happen here. Like what do you want to do? I want to have a little bit more peace in life. Okay is the peace coming because your wife Doesn't like the life she has is The peace coming because your wife feels like she is recreating her childhood home and she has some scars from that Is the peace coming that you quit being a banker and then you started working as a golf pro and you kind of hate it? Like what what's the peace coming from because because a seven-month-old is gonna stare at you quit being a banker and then you started working as a golf pro and you kind of hate it.

Like what's the peace coming from? Because a seven month old is gonna stare at you. And if you want a seven month old to give you peace, that's not fair to the seven month old. They don't have the ability to do that. And if you think working less and being around home more is gonna help, it will not. If working less allows you to be present in home and do things that add to the flow of your house,

that will help. But if you're trying to do things because your wife doesn't like the life she is co-creating, that's a recipe for a car crash. Or if you're trying to make her happy or she's frustrated and you're trying to figure out a thing that you can do. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah.

Am I off? No, you're actually, I've wrestled with this before and the, and stuff, because I've seen it both ways of where having the life at home, having that time with family, being able to take care of things around the house, being, family, being able to take care of things around the house, being, and just able to having a life outside of work. Then also trying to find that. And I've listening to your show and everything I've seen some, some of the other stuff that you've discussed of trying to find that passion.

That's kind of what drove me to golf in the first place when I was younger was the passion for it. And then on and some of the things that you've said in the past, it's kind of interesting is how that has kind of crept in my mind of where you can, you don't have to be passionate about something to do it for a long amount of time. I'm trying to figure out what that, what would be if, if, because honestly right now what I love doing more than anything, what I feel like my first

and highest purpose right now is to be a father and be a husband that is present and able to help at home. And working 60 hours a week sometimes does not, it just gets in the way of that. I just gotta disagree with you, brother. Cause my number one calling on planet earth is to be a good husband followed immediately by being a good father. And I work a lot.

And the antidote to being a good father and being a present husband is not quitting your job. It is being united with your partner and saying what must be true for us to have the life that we wanna co-create together? And granted, some spouses will say, I need you here. At five o'clock, I need you here. And so we're gonna sit down and have a conversation about what that means job wise,

what that means financially, what that like, we're gonna have that all that painted as a conversation about what that means job wise, what that means financially, what that like, we're going to have that all that painted as a conversation. In my house, there were seasons and I've talked about this publicly where I was crazy busy writing books, being on the road, doing media, jumping on a plane and flying across the country to do a speaking engagement, going on a tour. I was all over the place. The problem was it was all for me. Now I am busier than I've ever been ever. And I feel more present and more connected and my marriage is stronger than it has ever been. And that's not a flex, that's just comes from so many scars

and so many broken bones, relational broken bones and so many like missteps and messing up to where the season I'm in right this moment when you and I are having this call, my wife and I planned in July. And what does that mean? That means I flew in last night from an event in the middle of the night and I got up this morning at six and I took my son to breakfast.

So I'm tired. And that's exactly how we drew it up. And tonight I'll be at my kitchen table for dinner. And then tomorrow I fly out again to go across the country. But just quitting my job doesn't help with presence. It does mean when I walk in the front door, my phone is off, off, off. It does mean when I walk in the front door,

the TV is off, off, off. And it does mean for seasons, I'm very tired. Hang on the line, I'm gonna send you my buddy, Ken Coleman's book, it's called, Work Your Wire To Do, and it's got an assessment inside of it that you can take, and it will lean you towards, give you some options, and maybe some things you might be interested

in checking out. But I think it's also worth the conversation with your wife saying this exact thing. Hey, we have a seven month old, me and you, we have a family, we made human. This is awesome. And our marriage is completely different. And so let's clear the deck and let's rebuild our marriage. How do you want this house to feel when you walk in?

What brings you laughter? What brings you joy? Tell me about your work schedule. Do you still love your job? What am I going to want to do? What are we seeing in each other? And let's have that conversation because we need to rebuild something together so that we can both move forward And sometimes that will take 60 hours a week and sometimes I'll take one of you just quitting and staying at home full-time And sometimes I'll take you both working full-time and you're gonna have to get some support and help

It's gonna be all over the place depending on where you live and what you do and your economic situation all those crazy factors. But I want to challenge you and all the men listening to this wanting to be a just I want to be a better husband a better dad that means I got to quit my job. It's just absolutely not true. It's just not true. If you're using work as a drug, maybe. If you're using work as a way to escape your family, maybe. But if you're just tired and bored, it's not a reason to quit.

Thanks for the call, man. When we come back, something cool happens and Kelly's going to let us know what it is. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, listen, therapy is not just for people who are dealing with major traumas. It can be for that big stuff, but it can also be a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve

their mental and emotional wellbeing. I've personally used therapy for working through major trauma, as well as helping me navigate daily relationship and personal challenges. So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online,

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with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Kelly, what's something cool happened? You put some pictures in front of me here. I did. All right. This is from Beth and the pictures that John is looking at, we're also going to put on the screen. So Beth writes, I'm an elementary school teacher and I heard you talking about how you don't make New Year's resolutions But instead you ask yourself, how do I want to show up for myself in 2025? Who do I want to be? I took that idea and brought it to my first grade classroom

We didn't make resolutions when we came back from winter break Instead we brainstormed characteristics that we wanted to have in the new year I had to break it down to first grade language, but I really liked how it came out. So these are hanging up in my classroom, and we refer to these things when things get hard or when behaviors start to slip. Here are some pictures. This is not first grade language.

Every adult needs to do this. This is amazing. So what, for those that aren't seeing it, what it is, each student had a cutout of a person and they colored it, made it into a little boy or little girl, whatever they wanted to wear. And then they wrote words. Descriptive adjectives.

Yeah, descriptive adjectives that they wanted to be. You wanna explain what some of those are? Yeah, so this one kid wrote generous, peaceful, empathetic, kind, brave, polite. One person wrote, grateful, kind, honest, brave, calm, loving, empathetic. So I'm assuming that if a kid gets spun up or the kid's got challenges with something

and the teacher can bring him back and say, okay, here's who we are gonna to be. How do we get here? And you're teaching the kid like, where are you not feeling kind or where are you not feeling calm? And I think one of the, I think every school on planet earth should have a class teaching you to identify your emotions and where they came from. That way you don't spew all over the place. If nothing else, just watch inside out with them. I mean, start there. God almighty, yes.

But she said that she keeps these hanging in the classroom so the kids are seeing them every day. That's fantastic. Fantastic. And it also reminds you of, Sheila and I had to check in with our monthly, I mean with our annual thing yesterday. I'm so far off. I'm so far off God help me but

maybe I should make a little thing and dangle it in front of me all the time yeah do you want us to make a little cut out of a John for you I mean I have one it's a voodoo doll but it's close exactly whatever you framed it put it by your bed I saw that tomato tomato geez Louie that's because I took away your John doll that you had because it was creepy. You carried it around and kind of pet it. It was super weird. Now I had pins in it that wasn't petting. It was sticking in the pants.

No, you had pins in it. What? Geez. This is amazing. So what's this woman's name? This is Beth. Beth, you're a hero. You're an absolute, like absolute stone hero teaching these kids this.

And every adult, you need to do this too. Identify who do you want to be? Who do you want people to say about you when you're not in the room? That guy's a complete and total b-hole. No, that person is delightful. That person makes me feel happy all the time. That person makes me laugh always. Always. That person's a little bit chaotic but a little bit awesome. Like whatever it is that person's empathetic. I love saying being around that person. They're so generous And then I think the big kicker is you got to remind yourself over and over and over again good call. Love you guys. Bye