The Dr. John Delony Show - My Ex Started a New Family and I Am Angry

Episode Date: July 24, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: A woman struggling with her ex-husband starting a new family A man wondering if he should cut ties with his parents A woman whose boyfriend doesn’t want to combine finances if they get married Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I want to know how to stop taking my resentfulness out on my kids for their dad leaving and getting a new family. It's mostly I just get super frustrated because I'm doing everything on my own and I just yell at them a lot. What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. A show about your mental health, your marriage. Here's the goal of the show. The goal of the show is to take the nonsense that's out there in the world on mental health and marriage tips and how to raise your kids.

There's so much garbage and there's so much nonsense. And so my goal here is to take all of the complex science, all of the just generations of nonsense that's brought us to this moment where everything around us appears to be on fire and to cut through all the nonsense in a simple and direct way. And my promise is I'm gonna sit with you and we're gonna figure out what's going on. What's going on with your mental and emotional health? What's going on with boundaries in your home

and your relationships? What's going on with your in-laws? What's going on with your spouse, your kids, whatever you wanna talk about. My promise is I'll sit with you. I've been doing this for years and years and years and years and years. And I may not have all the answers. Often I say, I don't know. But my promise is I'm gonna tell you the truth and I'll sit with you. And I'm gonna try to bring some clarity to this chaotic space. So if you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com

slash ask, A-S-K. And don't forget for the best supplements on the planet, thorn.com slash U slash Deloney. That's T-H-O-R-N-E slash the letter U slash Deloney for the sale of the century. All the time. All the time. Let's go out to my hometown, the great and powerful Houston, Texas, and talk to dear Marie. What's up, Marie? Hey, Dr. John. How are you doing?

Partying. How about you? I'm hanging in there. I'm not partying. I lied to you. Hey, so what's happening? What's going on? So my question is, I want to know how to stop taking my resentfulness out on my kids for their dad leaving and getting a new family because I want to grow a healthy relationship with my kids and stop being so frustrated. How do you take out your resentfulness against your husband on your kids? It's mostly, I just get super frustrated because I'm doing

everything on my own and I just yell at them a lot. So, what happened with your husband? Take your time. Take your time. You're all good, hon. What happened with your husband we were together about 15 years and we had dated for 5

before getting married and had our first child about five years after getting married. And he was getting older and obviously I was getting older, closer to 30. And I had always heard of health concerns about having children older. So I approached my husband about possibly having another kid because we had already talked about having two to three, and that's kind of what we both wanted. He voiced his concerns about money and providing for the kids. And I pretty much just ignored his concerns. And I ended up getting off of my birth control and then getting pregnant with our daughter.

So he lost trust in me. Yeah. It's one of those Catch-22s where you have the most precious thing in the world is your daughter and you wouldn't take that back for a second at the same time it's a pretty significant violation right oh yeah i'm super shameful yeah it's both and right you got this beautiful gift out of it and that's tough just tough on on that's tough weight on a relationship. So he says he can't trust you. Does he bail? No.

So he stays around and we try and work it out for about a year. And then right before her first birthday and my son starts kindergarten, he decides to leave. And he leaves the house. And then that's 2020. So I'm doing kindergarten by myself. My son ends up getting quarantined for his birthday and his sister's birthday. So their dad missed their birthdays because he couldn't see them because we were quarantined. And the quarantine kind of woke him up. So he came back and said he actually wanted a relationship with his kids, which I'm so grateful for. So he's in their life.

But your marriage is over. I want to be honest with you. There was things long before this. I won't sugarcoat it, and I'm not going to kick you while you're down either. This is a significant betrayal, and there was other things going on. Fair? Yeah. Yeah.

There's other issues going on. Yeah. In retrospect, I don't think we communicated our needs at all. Yeah. We just, in retrospect, I don't think we communicated our needs at all. Yeah. You must've been in honors classes there in Houston. So yes, you are correct. I'm sure, certain. So here's why I asked you to tell me that story. Just in the process of telling that story, I want you to go back and listen to this. Your whole body posture changed from when you started the call to when you ended it. Okay.

That's a story that happened to you and it's heartbreaking and you're going to grieve that for a long time. Okay. And did you play a role in that? Yeah. Did he walk out on his family? Yeah. It's both in. and as a guy who has had trouble in his marriage over the last almost 21 years,

but I didn't walk away on my wife and my kids, do I judge him? Yeah, I do. But also, you know that assigning a percentage of weight in the situation doesn't help anybody. He's still gone, right? Yeah. Is he remarried?

Has he moved on with his life? Yeah. So he, like, within the last, I would say, month, got remarried. Okay. So he kind of got a new nuclear family. Well, so it looks like on Instagram or Facebook, wherever you post this stuff, that everything's all rosy and great, and you've still got two little knuckleheads, and you can't sleep, and you're exhausted, and you've got got to work and all that stuff, right? It feels so heavy.

So I want to decouple how you interact with your kids from the grief you're feeling with the loss and death of that relationship. Okay. Because it's easy for it to get all jumbled together. But how you honor your kids and how you don't yell at your children, how you don't take out your grief on them or make it their job to make you feel better, that's critically important. And you're going to be frustrated by things over and over and over as you raise these kids. And so learning right now, nothing will ever impact the way

I treat them. In fact, it's my job to make sure that those arrows hit me, not them. Not that I'm a pass through and that those arrows hit my kids through me. Right. And so tell me about a time you just lost it. Just got frustrated and lost it. It really is just centered around either food or like television. Like if they misbehave or anything, like the repercussion is no TV time. And then they will just- Let's just stop there. Is that working? No.

No, it's not. No. All right, so here's a simple thing that I want you to transition in your home, okay? Step one is, how old are these kids? Oh, almost eight and four. Okay, perfect. I want you to take that eight-year-old, and I want you to take that eight-year-old, and I want you to take that eight-year-old somewhere special.

And you and I both know that special for an eight-year-old is like McDonald's or somewhere, like Waffle House is where I take my kid, but somewhere special, a local diner or whatever. There's a lot of rad local places in Houston. And I want it to feel special for this eight year old. Is it boy or girl? A boy.

Okay. Um, if you can find somebody to watch your four year old for an hour or two, I think it'd be really special. And when you get to this restaurant, I want you to do the best you can to position yourself where you can put that little boy's face in both of your hands. So not only can he absorb the fact that mommy's doing something special for us all, for me and for us too, but also nothing in the world matters. The phone is in your purse.

Everything is away and it is you locking on to that kid. And then he gets to feel it. And then you say, mommy's had her heart broken. And me and and as you know daddy moved out and I'm just so sad and I've let my sad turn into me yelling at you

and I want you to know that I'm so sorry I want you to start there okay I want you to do that in a much more age appropriate way for your four-year-old. Okay? Yeah. And let that four-year-old know.

So here's what we're going to do. We're going to create a daily practice where you are putting your hands on the face of your kids and looking them in the eye and be almost obnoxiously long, maybe five or ten whole seconds to where it's kind of weird for everybody. Yeah. And you'll notice your kids' shoulders just drop. Okay? The second thing is we're going to switch the language in our house to of weird for everybody yeah and you'll notice your kids shoulders just drop okay the second thing is we're going to switch the language in our house to you punish them by saying all right no

no tv or you say if you do this then you you don't get to watch tv we're going to be done with that language we're going to switch to if you guys choose to get all your chores done then y'all are choosing to watch 30 minutes of television and if you choose not to do your chores then you're choosing not to do television strange choice

but y'all can choose it and they are going to test you on it and you're just going to have to hold firm and then they kick and scream and cry and and you can go, man, I've been through way worse. My marriage is gone. You guys can't hurt my feelings. And what we're going to teach them very, very quickly is they have a lot of choice in how good their day is or how bleh their day is. Yeah.

Okay? And it's going to take the pressure off of you because you hate saying no, no, no, no, no, no. What do y'all know? You hate that role. Yeah. And that role doesn't work. And you know, you can beat your kids into submission.

You can make them do things because you're bigger than them. I'd much rather them begin to learn. And it's a pain I'd rather them learn Over the long haul That they play a role in that family And that they get to choose The levels of fun and joy they have in their house Right

And it might start with TV And they just say well fine then we're not doing it Cool Then they're going to start opting They're going to choose to not do a bunch of other stuff. Yeah. They're going to choose to not go to birthday parties. They're going to choose to not. They're making this choice. And I'm not, and I'm not taking any of that blame. Do you see how the whole thing dumps over? It's not you against them. It's you cheering them on. See what I'm saying?

Yeah, that's what I want. Yeah. And here's a big piece. Here's number three. Never yell at your kids. Ever. If you have to go for a walk, walk out the front door.

When you yell, their nervous system gears up, their ability to learn and take in information is over. Okay? So it's wholly ineffective. gears up, their ability to learn and take in information is over. Yeah. Okay? So it's wholly ineffective and it terrifies their little bodies.

Yeah. I'm not one of these like super atomic woke parents. I don't even know what that means. I'm not one of these like, just let the kids do whatever they want and whatever they feel. That's all nonsense. But I want to do things that work.

And when I yell at a kid, learning has ended. When I scream at a kid, their ability to process information and actually learn what I'm trying to teach them so they can become great adults down the road, over, over. It ends. And so I'm never going to yell at my kids. I'm not. I'm going to never going to yell at my kids. I'm not. I'm going to hold them accountable when they make choices. I'm not going to yell. Yeah.

You need to internalize this. The greatest gift you can give your kids is for you to go see a counselor and get well. Because you're not all right yeah is that fair yeah have you been seeing somebody yeah we're actually i don't know if you've heard of the um like the rapid eye yeah yeah yeah. Yeah. So we were going to try something like that to see if that would help. Okay. Stay plugged in with that counselor.

But here's what I want you to say the next time you go see your counselor. I want you to say, I want to learn some tools so that I can be more present in the moment when I get frustrated and I don't just fly off the handle. Okay.

Put your counselor on the spot to not just sit there and talk for hours about how you feel and how does that make you feel and how does that make you feel. I need some tools. I need some tools. Okay? Okay. You have much more strength than you believe you do. Is that fair? Yeah. Okay. Okay. You have much more strength than you believe you do. Is that fair?

Yeah. Okay. Last exercise. Can I give you a homework assignment? Yes. Yes, sir. I want you to go, and you've heard me do this. If you've ever listened to this show for very long, you've heard me do this a lot.

I want you to run by Lowe's or Home Depot, or maybe you have one in your backyard. I want you to go buy a cinder block, and I want you to get some duct tape's or Home Depot, or maybe you have one in your backyard. I want you to go buy a cinder block, and I want you to get some duct tape and put it across that cinder block, and I want you to write lying to my husband about birth control. And I want you to carry that around your backyard for a little while until it gets so heavy. It might be one minute.

It might be 20 minutes. I don't know. I want you to go to, you almost can't carry it anymore. And then I want you to throw it down in the back corner of your backyard. Tear that tape off and never pick that brick up again. You've got to forgive Marie. Okay? Yeah.

And then I want you to see that little four-year-old little girl. I want you to hug her so tight for the gift that she is. Yes. Both and. Fair? I don't want you to see that little four-year-old little girl. I don't want you to hug her so tight for the gift that she is. Yeah. Both and. Fair? Yes, sir. Yes. I'm really, really proud of you.

This is you saying I'm done with the way it has been, right? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I want you to not know anything about your husband's new life. Block him on everything. I don't want to look at any pictures. No going down.

The same way I tell 18-year-old boys, don't look at pornography, I'm telling you, don't look at any of these photos. They're not real. They're not real. Okay? Yeah. Mm-hmm. She will understand how bad his farts smell real quick.

She'll understand how annoying he is when fill in the blank real quick, right? Yeah. Yes. And the challenges that he had with communication with you didn't suddenly get fixed. All of that will be reality, but I don't want you trailing them around wondering about the life you could have had. He left. He left. He left.

He left. He left. He left. He left. He left. He left. That hurts. We got to grieve. We got to sit in sadness for a while. He moved on. He went and remarried. And you're still stuck right in the middle of all this.

We're not going to follow him around. We're not going to chase him around digitally. I'm glad he's still in the life of your kids. You're going to have to the middle of all this. We're not going to follow him around. We're not going to chase him around digitally. I'm glad he's still in the life of your kids. You're going to have to interact with him. Great. But I'm not keeping up with anything about their life and where they go on vacation and what kind of new cars they got. I'm not keeping up with any of that stuff. I'm going to rebuild my life with my two little kids and my mental health and my emotional health and my physical health.

I'm going to rebuild my life here. Thank you so much, Maria. I'm grateful for you. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially

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earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania and talk to A.A. Ron. What's up, Aaron? Yep. How are you doing, John? Awesome, man. How are you? Good. Good. What's up? Well, I'm not sure how to move forward with my parents or work through things or not work through things. Um, uh, there's always been a level of controlling this with them and things have just kind of escalated out of control in the last little over a year. Um, I mean, we've had different issues throughout. I've been married for 11 years. Um, we've had different issues that entire time. I

mean, things have been good. And then every couple of years, find out something's not good. Give me an example. How's it, how's it impacting you guys directly? Um, well, at this point we are, uh, about two months ago, we came to a place that we told my parents, we need some space. Um, for like six months, we don't want any contact. What happened? What led up to that? Uh, well, it started, things escalated really last year. Um, actually in relationship to my sister, um, some things that they did with her. Um, she was getting married and they, yeah, just some of the things they did to her. Bro, you're being so vague.

I can't help. You're just like circling way high. Oh man. Um, I mean, it's a huge step for somebody to say, I'm mom and dad, I'm cutting y'all off for six months. You cannot communicate with me or my new family, um, because of something you have done or continue to do over time. That's a huge step. So what's the thing that happened? What did they do to your sister? So there was just, yeah, some stuff, just stupid stuff. What? I'm going to start making stuff up.

Either they set the bridal party on fire as they were walking out and they were like, like a horror movie or it was like The shining or, or they just didn't get the right flowers. Like me, like what happened? Well, there was definitely regards to the finances for the wedding. They couldn't agree on finances, you know, started setting things off. And then, um, she brought up some things from her, her past with a boyfriend that they, they were really liked

and made some accusations as far as some abuse there. And they basically told her, we don't believe you. So that was what really set me off. And then when we did support her, we started getting the cold shoulder. We started getting the nasty comments and all that kind of stuff. Give me an example of a nasty comment. Well, after they found out we were supporting her, they showed up at our house. And I was like, hey, I'm just trying to support her.

I'm not picking sides. And they're like, no, you have to pick a side. What? And, no. side and they're like no well you have to pick a side what and no you know the last time that happened to me fifth grade fifth grade when someone's like you either with us or you're not um sounds like your parents are very, very immature. Mm-hmm. Is that fair? Yeah. And it sounds like as you and your sister grow up and develop their adult, y'all's adulthood and your own autonomy,

that they are losing a core sense of their identity, which is we run the show in these two kids' lives. Mm-hmm. Is that fair? Yes. Okay. So you tell your parents, they came over to your house, like with a demand letter, basically saying it's either us or your sister. And by the way, any family member that ever did that to me, I would do exactly what you did. And I would say, you've just opted out of relationship with me because I don't interact with adults that act like four-year-olds. Bye, right and so I would have done the same thing has that six months passed

uh no that's been about two months ago um and yeah they just uh yeah I mean conversations had gone nowhere there was yeah just manipulation working topics. So I took them up a letter and said, Hey, like we need, we need this in this way. We can't have this conversation get turned around. Um, so they sent me a letter about three weeks ago and said, Hey, like we really want to fix things. Um, and I'm like, I don't know what to do. Do I go back, you know, and try and have another conversation or is that just making, the cycle um i have a core rule and it's this i only speak if i can be heard and so if i see a loved one a friend of mine just doing something so dumb with their money right they're just acting like idiots or a buddy i don't have any friends like this but let's

pretend i did like i had a buddy that was like man i've really met this girl and we're kind of like we're not hooking up or like we go have drinks once a week or something like that and he's married to a friend of mine um i if they say hey, what do you think about that? Or am I crazy? Bro, you just opened the door like a vampire and invited me in. I'm coming in. I'm gonna give you full picture. But if you're being done with your money

and you don't ask my, I'm not just gonna start, I'm just not gonna start giving you wisdom or advice or what I think is the right thing to do. I used to do that all the time and I almost became abusive with that. And so that's why even on this show, I wait till people call me and then they call me and then I'm like, all right, I'll tell you what I actually think about it. And so if you think you could sit down with your mom and dad and you talk and they would listen. And you were able to say, my sister, your daughter came to you and said,

I was abused either emotionally or physically or sexually. And y'all sided with her old ex-boyfriend. And when she reached out for somebody and I as her brother stepped up, you made me pick sides. I don't do that. And so if you ever want to re-engage with us, you have to choose to never again put me in a position where I'm going to have to choose sides between my mom and dad and my sister. Not going to do that. And if you think they could hear that conversation, and I'm sure there's a host of other things that y'all need to talk through, right?

Because how did you say it? They said some things, and actually they got in their car and drove over to your house and said, you have to cut your sister out and shun her too, Dwight Schrute style. That's more than just saying some things, right? So I know that this has been bigger issues. If you think they could hear it, I don't have a problem with having another conversation. But that conversation needs to be something that you've written down and that you read to them and they commit to listening and not responding before you get

finished. Okay. If you think in your heart, they're not going to listen to anything they never have for 30 years, they've never listened. They're not going to listen to anything. They never have for 30 years. They've never listened. They're not going to listen now. Then you don't even have to respond to the letter because you've given them a boundary. And that's in six months, we'll reconvene. So cool. In six months, I'll write them back and say, I got your letter.

Thank you for sending it. Period. That's it. Sometimes when somebody puts a big strong boundary it can be manipulative to throw a woe is me please forgive me

or they didn't even ask for forgiveness but a woe is me I want to fix this grenade over the wall of your boundary hoping you'll pick it up and at least send a text because if you send a text now we got a little crack in right what does your gut tell you it up and at least send a text because if you send a text now we got a little crack in right what does your gut tell you my gut tells me there that nothing's changed um go with your gut go with

your gut yeah i mean my thoughts were like i gave you enough stuff to apologize for like if there was a you know if there was a cheek in your armor if there was you know a softening of your heart whatever like you know you just said something you know if there was a chink in your armor if there was you know a softening of your heart whatever like you know you just said something you just you know apologized for something

apologized for whatever and I didn't see any of that yeah um if somebody sends you a note that says we need to fix this I really want to fix this

and it doesn't include an apology then they're going to want you to tell them you're sorry and fix all this stuff. But at the end of the day, they opted out of the relationship with you by forcing you to choose between you and your sister, which is just insane. And you called their bluff and you put up a boundary. Good for you.

I'm really proud of you, man. I'm really proud of you. But if your gut says, man, they're not going to listen, they're not going to hear a word I say, then I say save your breath. Save your breath. Are you going to feel guilty? Yes.

Are you going to be sad that your parents act like they're so immature like that? Yes. Are you going to be heartbroken that your parents won't forgive you? I mean, won't ask for forgiveness? Yes. They want to apologize? Yes. It doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. It's hard,. It doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do.

It's hard, but it doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. I'm proud of you, man. Proud of you for protecting your family. I'm proud of you for sticking by your sister even when it was hard. And you defaulting to belief over accusation. More women need men in their lives that default to belief.

And, um, man, I'm proud of you for not just getting sucked right back into the vortex when your parents wrote you some mushy letter without an apology. Good for you, man. Good for you. Hard, hard adult stuff. I wish it was different, but we got to choose reality, right? And I'm proud of you. Proud of you. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season.

And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks,

I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at Better Help. Better Help is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere

so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney

to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go back to Texas, to Dallas, Texas, and talk to Alexis. What's up, Alexis? Hey, how are you, Dr. John? I'm good. Kelly just gave me an ugly look. I spent half of my life in Houston and the other half in West Texas. And in both places, we were trained militantly to not like the DFW area. But that's where Kelly, that's where her heart lives. Right inside of Jerry World Stadium.

And so, alas. Understandable. I'm glad to be talking to a Texan. How about that? What's up Alexis? So I have been with my boyfriend For Over two years now And we're starting to have the

Getting engaged And getting married talk Ew I know Are you excited? I am excited Very cool That's awesome

But it leads to The question What are some ways to have the Combining money talk and have it progress, for lack of better words, positively when he tends to double down on his opinion and all shut down or get really quiet? I think the answer to your question is in your response to your boyfriend's disregard for your value system. Almost 100% of the time, not quite, but almost 100% of the time in this situation,

he also, there's other things that he just blows you off on. Other things that you think are important or dreams you might have or values you might have that he just blows you off. Money things that you think are important or dreams you might have or values you might have that he just blows you off money is just one of them and it's a big one yeah um most of the time people come at this conversation very tactically when we get married i really want to have a combined checking account i want to have um do all of our investment stuff together and then the other partner is like no way dude

I want separate checking accounts you pay these bills I'll pay these bills we'll both pitch in for the mortgage which by the way is a recipe for financial and relational disaster it's a terrible idea but

the better way to start that conversation is here are a few things that scare me to death about marrying you. One is, I'm so scared. I feel so unsafe if you have one checking account and I've got another. I don't feel whole that way. I also don't feel safe when you go out all weekend and you don't even call home. I'm just making stuff up now. Yeah.

A way that I will feel safe as your wife is if we both have a single account and both of our paychecks go into that account and we make a budget together and we dream together and we create a future together. And we're not co-managers of our household but we are in this thing ride or die yeah and maybe asking him what scares you so much about sharing an account because if he's going to get married to you legally if he's going to create a human with you, sexually and biologically, the idea that I still need to hold on to this one thing,

it just feels like madness to me. Yeah. See what I'm saying? But it's fair to ask him, what scares you so much? What is it in your soul? And maybe as a kid, I call it financial infidelity. Maybe his dad stole a bunch of money and spent it like a maniac. And mom was just taking her tiny little paycheck and trying to pay bills and keep the house afloat. Maybe that happened. Or maybe mom was just a

reckless spender and dad was always trying to figure out how to make things work. Who knows what was going on? But giving him an opportunity to talk about how this thing makes y'all feel, why that's such a scary thing. But at the end of the day, I would say this. If you don't trust me enough to share bank accounts, our relationship is not as strong as I thought it was. And I know that's a scary, caustic statement, but I'm telling you, if you were a close friend of mine,

you were my sister or something like that, and you were considering marrying somebody, and this was a deal breaker for them, I would look at you and say, that's a deal breaker for me. Yeah. How strongly do you feel about it? Very strongly. Okay.

I want you to practice not shutting down when somebody leans up against your value system yeah why do you have that value? why do you want to share accounts? I think that's just how I grew up how my parents were always did everything

they shared accounts I guess it's kind of just everybody around me has always shared accounts. And I know his parents don't share accounts. Let's throw parents out the window. Why do you want to? Just to feel like we're both contributing to something. Okay.

So, like, it's not just his piece of furniture, my piece of furniture, it's our furniture. And the beauty of getting married is two people decide to dissolve their autonomy and create something completely new that has never existed before. And that's this marriage. And that doesn't mean when you dissolve your autonomy, that means you are living for somebody else. Doesn't mean you dissolve your identity. You're still you.

You still have your cool, weird things that you're into, and you still have your creativity and the things that you like. You don't dissolve your personality, but you do dissolve your autonomy. I'm living for them now, and they are living for me. And we do this thing together. We're building something new. And if you're both paying rent into this new thing, then you have a business partnership.

You don't have a marriage. Yeah. And business partnerships are often an absolute train wreck, right? Yeah. What's his sentiment? Why does he say that? I think he was married before and divorced, so I don't know if that necessarily has anything to do with it.

No, Alexis, that has nothing to do. Of course that has something to do with it. Yeah. So I think his fear is justified. I get it. Totally get it. I do understand. Like, I understand, understand like Him not wanting to

I guess Yes But if he's gonna get remarried He can't get remarried With one foot not in the boat Yeah Because he put both feet in the boat last time And the boat got tumped over

Yeah And so if he's not ready to put both feet in the boat He's not ready to put both feet in the boat, he's not ready to get married. Yeah. You can't get remarried halfway. You got to go all the way in, which means he's got to go into another relationship with the idea that he's going to be vulnerable again

and he could get hurt really bad again. That's what he's choosing to do. Yeah. And if he doesn't do that, he's not ready to get married. He just wants to play house to do. Yeah. And if he doesn't do that, he's not ready to get married. He just wants to play house with you. Yes. And I know that sucks for you. I know. I know. Let me tell you this. There's no path forward where you shut down and just let yourself get run over. Yeah. Okay. You might get what you want, which is a quote unquote husband, but you're

going to get a mess relationally, right? Yes. But I think if y'all sit down and say, let's dream together, what do we want this thing to look like? What do we want this whole thing to feel like? And how do we get there? How do we reverse engineer that? I think you land on, I won't feel safe in this marriage if we're not both joined in our values. We're not both joined in commitment to this thing, and we're both not joined with our financial accounts. I just don't feel safe. And I recognize you don't feel safe because you got burned before. What are we going to do? It's a hard, scary place to be, Alexis.

I do appreciate you having the strength and courage to say, this is a big deal to me, big deal. I want you to practice. As you start to feel yourself shut down in the future, I want you to practice saying, I'm shutting down, I'm shutting down. Not this time. Not this time. This time I'm going to stand here as uncomfortable as it is.

Come what may, my two feet are planted in the soil in Dallas, Texas. I'm going to stand up this time. The more you practice it, the stronger you will get. And then you can be equal partners in this relationship as you all build something completely new. It's awesome. We'll be right back. All right, we're back and we have a generational divide, maybe a geographical divide going on back there.

Definitely geographical, not generational. All right, so some point in this show, I said the words tumped over. Said it tumped over. I thought you were having a stroke. Y'all don't know what tumped over means? I do. No, because it's not a real word.

How's it not a real word? I used it. If only three states in the entire country use it. Okay, so- What are the three right states? It's about, I've learned, because we did a survey on this a few years ago when a friend of mine said it

and half the room went, what? That it's about a five-state radius that know what tumped over. Otherwise, they don't. what's dumped over. Otherwise, they don't. It's like Texas, Mississippi, Alabama. It's a small area. Alright, that's not great company. I know, but we're by

far the superior one in that one. That is true. But as soon as you said it, I was like, well, that's a Texas saying because all of them in here were like, what? Okay, so let's clarify. If something gets dumped over, stuff falls out. So if you dump over a bucket, all the stuff in there dumps out, falls out. If something tumps over, it just fell over.

Like he got drunk and dumped over. Yeah. Yeah, like, okay. And when he tumped over, everything that was in his cup dumped out. Dumped out. He could be in a boat, and he's drunk, and he tumps out of the boat. The boat tumps over. Why would you not just say fell over?

Because it's better that way. Just fell over. What kind of Cretan are you? We used elevated language on this show. How long have you been on the show for? Like two years. You realize how sacred i how how sacred i hold my vocabulary you're not a bit of a superfluous word choice if you ask me but that's

fine see it's how dumb these guys are it's superfluous genius good grief gosh guys just making up words they don't understand that we're here to educate them on our sayings. Gosh, superfluous. It's superfluous. My gosh. I bet you say thermometer, too, instead of thermometer, don't you? Guilty. Golly. America, this is our schooling system.

Fix it. Fix it. All right, hey, that's the show for today. Y'all stay in school. Don't do drugs. Stay in school, for God's s sakes because vocabulary quizzes bring them back. Or maybe just put it in chat GPT. That'll help everybody.

Put that in chat GPT and see if it knows what tumped over is. I'm confident. And if it doesn't, we're doomed, ladies and gentlemen. See you soon.