The Dr. John Delony Show - My Ex Wants To Marry Me for the Third Time

Episode Date: December 6, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman wanting to cut her ex out of her life for good - A man wondering if he betrayed his brother - A husband struggling to navigate a rocky relationship between his wife and mom Lyrics of the Day: "Hide" - Creed Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My ex-husband just won't leave me alone. I've married him and divorced him twice because he's a cheater. You won't cut him off. You need him like oxygen because you're scared to death of being alone. He's scared of being alone. I'm not. Why won't you block him and cut him off and never talk to him again, ever? Hey, this is John. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. A show about your mental and emotional health, your marriage, relationships of all kinds,

from in-laws to kids to schools to work, whatever you got going on in your life. Shows about real people going through real challenging times. And my promise is I'll sit with you and we will figure out what to do next. We get thousands of inquiries from all over the world and we sift through them to create a show that's going to open your eyes to help you feel not so alone, those of you who are listening.

If you want to be a part of the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK. And just as a reminder, for those of you who reach out on Instagram or Facebook, whatever, and ask long questions, I don't answer questions on those platforms. Just back and forth texting,

I have found does not, it just doesn't work. It doesn't work. So if you want to sit with me, give me a buzz and let's join the show. Kelly, it's questions for humans time. It's not too late to get your questions for humans, the Christmas deck, or we will save your Christmas. We're going to give y'all something to talk about, something to do. Y'all can put your screens down, stop talking about politics and whatever else is going on. And you can actually learn about each other. We've got all kinds of questions for humans decks. We have dating, we have kids, we have teens, we have grandparents and kids. We have cards for everyone. Go for it, Kelly.

Let's do this. Is this the Christmas one? This is the Christmas deck, yes. All right, cool. All right. So would you rather go caroling, be caroled to, or fall face first into a cactus? I would rather like get on a diving board with no shirt and just belly flop onto a cactus. Yeah, I'm definitely face person to a cactus on that one.

No question. Because I don't sing. So nobody wants to hear me sing Christmas. I heard you sing one time. I literally died and came back alive. I know. I understand that. You're singing Creed.

Can you take me higher? Do we need to point out to everybody that you and I are both going to see them this next summer with a group of people? Listen, everybody, this is the truth. Kelly and I got Creed tickets. Yeah, we did. There's a whole gang and we're going to the show. Creed, Tonic, Three Doors Down. I will have a Morgan Wallen mullet and no shirt and very, very tight

black jeans on and boots and I will rock it on to the break. And I will take pictures and make sure you all see them. Oh my gosh. I just can see you.

Are you just going to wear like a camo bathing suit top? Is that all you're wearing, Kelly? It's going to be incredible. It's going to be incredible. But the, I think Jen and I had this conversation.

Being Carol too is so awkward what do you you just stand there what do you do and if you don't want it can you just shut the door prematurely

or do you just have to No you gotta take it like a champ you gotta be a trooper and just like sit in the whole song but then are you supposed to like tip them

or give them a gift what is I mean it's weird yeah when he just stares and you all like have that weird exchange and then everybody walks away

yeah it's so great oh yeah I yeah i'm not a fan not a fan that's good do another one that one ends kind of sadly is die hard a christmas movie yes 100 yes no how can you say that here's why if i don't feel the joy of christmas after i end the movie like if there's not like like a Christmas theme that's prevalent throughout, yes, it takes place at a Christmas party. Freedom?

Life? It's a small portion. What is more Christmas about that? Bruce Willis? No, it's not Christmas. It's 100% a Christmas movie. I feel Christmas joy and la la la. No, that's not what I get.

It's not Christmas until Hans Gruber falls backwards out of the window. Dude. I remember several years ago, I knew I'd married the right person, but when my wife was like, Hey, it's Christmas. We should watch die hard.

I remember thinking, dear God, I did right. I did right. I don't know if you can watch that movie any time of the year Because I feel like you can like all right, let's go ahead and let's go ahead and while we're here Let's go ahead and just do a quick litmus test of your grasp on reality Are you a dog mom or a pet owner? I'm a pet owner

All right. Well, you're tethered to reality a little bit. All right. I'll give you that one. Are you going to Creed? I'm not going to Creed because I will have a newborn baby then. Oh, you're already that mom? He'll be like five months old. Jeez. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. Remember, this is called the Summer of 99 Tour.

In the summer of 99, Jenna was a toddler. You and I were functional like adults. I was a middle schooler. You were, you were not in middle school. You were so full of it. Whatever. Grandma, grandma Kelly. All right. Let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to the great and powerful Laura. What's up, Laura? Hello. Hello. And I'm too old to go to a creek. You, you listen, listen, you are not. At the last turnstile show I went to, I went with, how old's, 55? I will be 50 by the time we go see Creed.

So how old is Blake? He's three years older than me. Yeah, so 53. He did break a rib at that show. It got pretty wild. But no, man, you can go to anything you want to. No, I'm more like Lionel Richie, Barry Manilow. Hey!

You know, that's my age group. Barry Manilow and Neil Diamond was the first concert I ever went to. My parents took me. Oh, that's a great one. I was an infant. Yeah, it's a large dinner. The first show I remember was the Oak Ridge Boys in Chicago. Man, that was a time ago. All right, so what's up?

How can I help? Well, I hope that you can help me untangle some of the mess that I'm in. First of all, my ex-husband, we've been divorced three years. Just won't leave me alone. Constantly sends me texts about, I miss you. You know, I can't leave me alone. Constantly sends me texts about, I miss you. I can't be without you. Texts, phone calls, emails, whatever. Now, the background is we've been together since we were seniors in high school. If we had stayed together, last week would have been our 40th anniversary. But I've married him and divorced him twice

because he's a cheater. Oh, so you won't cut him off. You need him. Well, the problem is I'm an only child. My father is 94 years old and has caregivers and is at his house.

You need him like oxygen because you're scared to death of being alone. I don't know that I'm scared of being alone. He's scared of being alone. I'm not. Then why won't you block him and cut him off and never talk to him again ever? He's destroyed your life multiple times. Well, this is true.

This is true. But I have three children that are married. You're deflecting. Why won't you cut him off forever and say you've destroyed my life multiple times by cheating and cheating and cheating? You're not weaseling your way back in again. Explain to him that we will never be together again. Yeah, but you've told him that two other times. Oh, this is true.

And probably, I may be wrong, may be wrong, but in between your divorces, y'all have probably had some flings too. You mean with each other or? Yeah, with each other. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he's just business as usual.

Yeah, that's right. He just thinks he's going to come right back in. Because he has every time. He has every time. Of course he has. You're exactly right. So when somebody tells me like, hey, somebody won't quit contacting me, my first question is, well, are you talking to them? And they go, well, yes.

Are you like responding back? Yes. Are you taking care of them to them? And they go, well, yes. Are you like responding back? Yes. Are you taking care of them? Well, I mean, kind of, yes. Are you making plans? I mean, sort of, yes. Or it's absolutely not. It's harassment and I call the police.

But I'm guessing you're more of the former. Yeah, I am because I'm somebody that always wants everybody to be happy. There you go. I've learned that. Right. And with my dad, he wanted to, you know, once this all happened a couple years ago, he said, you know, I don't have any family left, but I'm very close to your dad and I'd love to be able to go see your dad, you know, one day a week. So he takes some dinner on Sundays. Now, you know, I asked my dad if that was okay.

And at first my dad was like, you know, you know, I asked my dad if that was okay. And at first my dad was like, you know, you know, and then he said, well, okay. So it got to be where he's wiggled his way back in and- He has not. Yeah. He hasn't. He has created a relationship with or continued a relationship with your dad. If I was your dad, I'd have my feelings hurt in a significant way. I mean, I'm sorry, if I was you and my dad was doing that, was continuing to meet with my ex-wife who had blown my life up and destroyed my kids' lives twice, I would be hurt by that. But my dad's a grown man and can make his own

choices. Well, my dad has dementia, so it's kind of like... There you go. He hasn't weaseled his way back in unless he starts messing around with the will and things like that. That's weaseling back in. But you are allowing him into your life. Okay. I just don't know why you're doing that. Unless you just say, hey, I love him. He's cheated on me twice.

We've been divorced twice, but I don't want to be alone. And I do love him and he's hurt me bad, but here we are. And you make peace with that. Okay. Where, where is your, like, where's your like digestive issues come from? Like, where does that, like, what's, what's the, what's the hangup? Well, probably it's cause we have, I have three grown children. One of them has grandchildren that were in contact with him. You know,

before all this happened, they did stuff together. My other two children have had babies since our divorce and he has never met those babies because my children saw him cheating. So, you know, that's a whole nother different story. They were the ones that saw him the last time first. But they're grown adults. They get to do that. Yeah. And I guess it just hurts me because I think about, he doesn't get to see them. It, you know, I guess I do still care about him. I don't love him, but I still care about him. It's because of choices he made. That's right. I think you do care about him, and I think you'd probably be bananas if you didn't have a little bit of love in there somewhere.

I think the bigger picture is, how old are you? 65. 65. I think you had a really, really crystal clear picture of what your life's going to look like at 65, and that guy blew it up. This is absolutely true, and he admits it. Yeah. You know, I'm sorry. I did all that. Well, too bad. Except not too bad because you keep going back to him. Y'all keep, y'all keep going out.

Well, I'm not going out with him. I mean, I don't do stuff. No, I don't. I don't do anything. No, I do not see him. Okay. I talked to him on the phone. I do not see him. How does it, how does it get ready to go on a trip? He wanted to come over here and him. Okay. I talked to him on the phone. I do not see him. How does it... I was getting ready to go on a trip. He wanted to come over here and tell me goodbye. I said, what are you talking about? And I just blew up.

Because he's following the tracks y'all have followed before. Okay. Which is y'all got divorced. He cheated on you. Y'all got divorced. You said, I'm not going to have this in my house. I'm not going to be married to someone who treats me like this and who cheats on me and the kids.

And then it started with, well, hey, we have to talk because of the kids. And then it started a text message and it started in a phone call. Then, hey, let's just go grab coffee. And then you ended up married again. I didn't. I know that. Okay. So what's the benefit of the in-between?

I don't think there's any benefit. Then why don't you block him and cut him off and say, I'm never talking to you again. I'm moving on with my life. Okay. I'm not saying you have to do that. I'm just proposing that. Why haven't you done that? Well, okay, here's the deal.

He has no friends. That's his problem. That's a choice he's made. What else? No money. That's a choice he's made? That's a choice he's made. What else? No money. That's a choice he's made? That's a choice he's made. I understand that.

He has health problems and went to the hospital and, you know, they said, we don't, you know, we've got to figure out what this is. You may be having congestive heart failure. He's got a heart trouble. He's got five stents in his heart. So I am the only one that can help him. There's nobody else that can help my child that talks to him doesn't live here. So, you know, what do you say? I'm sorry you're sick and you may die.

I'll see you later. I mean, I can't. In my heart, I can't do that. Then you have to make peace with taking his phone calls and his text messages. And you have to make peace that maybe you're not his wife. Maybe you all don't have romantic interests, but now you're his mother. Well, that's true. I am his mother.

You're his mom. So make peace with that. Okay. He chose on multiple occasions to not be in relationship with you. He chose to not be in relationship with his kids by his actions. Correct. And you have chosen to not let go of this fantasy that you've held on to for almost 40 years. And I'm not telling you you have to let it go,

but here's what I want. I want you to make peace with it. Okay. If you're going to take care of this deadbeat and you're going to take care of him and pay his bills and make sure he's got chicken noodle soup, then make peace with that.

But that's not what I want to do. And if you want him out of your life, like you called and said, he won't quit calling me. Well, of course not. You're his mom. Yeah. So if you're not going to take care of him, then cut him off and say, I can't do this. This isn't my responsibility to take care of you. Call the Social Security office.

And, I mean, I wish you the best. But you can't heal him. You can't make him be a person of character. He's not going to be. You can't make your kids, your kids seem to have more intestinal fortitude than you do. Yes, they do. And so I just make peace with it.

Okay. Do you see an alternative? You know what I mean? Yeah, there is it. I mean, yes. I know what I mean? Yeah, there isn't. I mean, yes. I agree. I understand. I don't want to be his mom, though.

I don't want the rest of my life being his mom. But you've already decided that's the case. You said, like, I can't let him just, you know, pay his own bills. I need to get some backbone. Is that what you want? want I spent my problem all along well I spent my problem all along yeah

I remarried him why did I do that I should have never done that well that's in hindsight but you were trying to keep that fantasy together gotcha and fantasies are powerful man

hope is a powerful thing it's all incredible yeah so I'm fascinated what are you going to do well Fantasies are powerful, man. Hope is a powerful thing. It's all incredible. Yeah. So I'm fascinated. What are you going to do? Well, I don't know. I got to think about it.

I got to figure out what I can. Let me say it this way. Where does this end? What I mean by that is this. If he has five stents and he's entering into congestive heart failure, he doesn't have a long time. And so are you going to ride it out for a couple of years with him as he passes and make sure he doesn't die alone? Or are you going to use your retirement that you had to save on your own as a single mom because he left you a few times to go run around on you are you going to save that money and whatever inheritance your 94 year old father leaves you to take care of him for the next 15 years and all of his surgeries and all of his health care and his skilled nursing and all that no that's the question not and so i think the fair thing to do is to have that conversation because in his mind

you've always taken care of him for 40 years more than half his life yes and so it's fair to say hey this this train is over i can't in good conscience take money that go to my grandkids and support a guy who left me twice. That's absolutely right. Or I'm going to take care of this and this and this, and then that's it. What am I supposed to do? I don't know. I don't know.

You should call the Social Security office and see where you're at. Yeah. See what I'm saying? Exactly. And I don't mean to be cruel to him but man he's used you for a long long long time

oh yes he has yes he has yes and your kids can see it that they're worth more than being used and I guess my hope for you Laura Laura, is that even after all this time, you're able to grieve. It would have been your 40th anniversary. How

amazing would that have been? And your kids would have been there and the grandkids would have been there. That's how it was supposed to be. And it's not. Every single person listening to this call, myself included, has a picture of the way things were supposed to be, and they're not. And the quicker we can sit in what is, choose reality, we can sit in that and just exhale and weep and whew, then our bodies learn that we're in the driver's seat of our own life. And we can then go about making and painting a new picture. All right. What's the time left?

I'm 65. Statistically, I've got 10 to 15 years, but potentially I've got 20 years left. My dad's 94. Maybe I can do 95, 20 or 30 years. I'm sorry. What do I want to do with the last 30? I'll be his mom. Cool. You can do that. I'm not going to get mad at you for it. You get your life. You get to choose.

I'm going to move in by my grandkids and just be the greatest grandma of all time. You get to pick. You get to pick. You get to pick. I do think it's fair to have a hard conversation, whatever that's going to look like. I'm going to continue to take care of you even though you've hurt me, but here's my boundaries because I'm your mom now. Or, hey, this train ends. I'm done. I'm done. This money is going to take care of me for the rest of my life and for these babies. All right. I'm really anxious to hear how this conversation goes. So give me a holler back. I know you ain't no holler back girl,

but give me a holler back and let us know how that conversation goes. I'm really proud of you. I'm really proud of you. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a

therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash

Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dotcom slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Kansas City, home of Patrick Mahomes, and talk to Chris. What's up, Chris? Hey, Dr. John. What up? How we doing? Hey, I'm doing good. Thank you for taking my call today. Of course, man. What's up? Hey, so I'm feeling guilty and scared about sharing text messages with my brother's ex-wife, which ultimately led to a temporary loss of custody of his children.

I haven't had contact with my brother in over a year because of his behavior and mental state. We believe he may be suffering from addiction to some illegal substances. My family and several members of my extended family who are involved in the situation have been scared of what my brother may do to us. We may be asked to testify in future court hearings, and I'm struggling with this because I feel this is the final nail in the relationship between my brother and the relationship between myself and my father. I'm sad because I feel that the best thing for my brother's children was to be in a safe home where my brother hopefully gets the help he needs. I feel like I'm mourning the death of my brother and my father, even though they are still alive.

There's a lot of history, years that led up to this latest event. Just looking for someone to help reprocess this. So let me wrap my head around it. You discovered some things that your brother sent you that made you really concerned about the welfare of your nieces and nephews. And it was such that the authorities took the kids away from them. And because you looked out for the welfare of those kids, your dad's mad at you. Your brother won't talk to you.

And your brother's kind of spiraling out. And this is probably going to end up in court. Yes. Yeah. Pretty much kind of a summary. I haven't had contact with him. Haven't been in his physical preference for two years because I haven't felt psyched around him.

Do you think if you saw him, he would try to kill you, try to fight you? Like, what do you mean when you're not sick? Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. We were essentially one wrong conversation or one mislook from him trying to physically, you know, harm me around my children and stuff. Do you have a no contact order with the police? Yeah.

So I went to file one during this latest. They felt like they kind of talked me out of it because I didn't have like text message proof that he threatened to kill or harm me. I have text messages he sent to her mother that said that. But since those weren't directed to me,

I couldn't file. Our mother could. He said he was going to kill your mom? He was going to kill yes, me and my mother. He just told your mom, I'm going to kill my brother? Essentially, yeah. I can get into more detail but

before I say anything and where's your dad at does he expect you to protect your brother and he's mad at you essentially yeah he's I don't think I know he's concerned about

my brother's mental state and his drug addiction. But for whatever reason, he believes that the children are safer with the brother. And I don't believe that in any shape or form. He's under the impression that the ex-wife is having issues, but he only believes that because of what that brother told him. Okay. So let me tell you this as directly as I can, okay?

How old are you? 35. Okay. What you did was unequivocally 1,000% the right thing. And I hate it that this is your brother who's struggling and you did the right thing. And I hate it that your father is so wrapped up in his own shame and his own guilt that he cares more about his reputation and he cares more about your son's reputation and the lies of somebody in the throes of mental health challenges and addiction than he does his grandkids.

I hate that for you and I especially hate it for those kids. But somebody had to be the adult here, the responsible mature adult who not on my watch. And that was you. And that was courage because you knew what it would cost you. It would cost you possibly your safety. It would cost you relationship with your brother, with your mom, with your dad. And you did that to protect those kids. And I trust you. You sound level-headed. It sounds like you know ex-wife, and ex-wife probably isn't perfect. Nobody is, but the kids are safer with her than with their dad, and it sounds like the authorities thought that as well. So as far as I'm concerned, it sounds like you're a hero. You saved some kids. Do you believe me when I say that?

I do. I do. I'm just kind of, I've been listening to your show now for a couple of years. This latest event has kind of just got me spiraling myself. Of course. You know why? Because your dad chose image

and being right over protecting babies. And that's probably not the dad you thought he was. And your mom had an opportunity to protect you from a brother who said, I'm going to kill my brother. And she didn't. And I can't imagine. My little brother's one of the greatest people I know

and greatest men I know. I can't imagine looking over my shoulder all the time that my own flesh and blood in a season of instability and not being well would want me dead. So yeah, you're right to be completely unwound. It sounds terrifying to be honest with you. The whole thing. Yeah, it's been extremely terrifying, especially for my wife.

Yeah. I mean, even my kids can feel it. If you say Morris Cotton taught there and they've shown signs of being scared. In the latest event, I feel better. It's been several weeks now. Okay. A few weeks. I'm feeling better. I'm been several weeks now. Okay. I've been a few weeks, and I'm feeling better. I'm sleeping again. Good.

Not as on edge when I'm out and about around town. But there has been some updates, and every time there's an update, I kind of feel the tense, the scared, the intensity kind of creep back in. Are the updates positive or the updates negative? Kind of just not a big change, just updates in the court. Okay. So here's what I want you to do. A couple of things, okay? Every time you get one of those calls about the courtroom,

your body's put a GPS pin in this whole situation. And anytime somebody brings it up, anytime you'll talk about it, it remembers, hey, we might get killed. And so it hammers. Just think of a hammer on one of those things at a circus, you know, when you hit it really hard and it goes all the way up and you try to ding the bell. You know what I'm talking about?

Like, just imagine that. Because that's what your body's doing. Because this isn't like, man, if somebody finds out, they're going to be really mad. Or if somebody finds out, I'm going to get fired. Somebody has said, I'm going to kill you. And your mom didn't do anything about it. Your dad didn't do anything about it. The police haven't done anything about it yet. So your body's right. Your body's correct. And so when you feel that, when you get a call

from the court, hey, here's the new date. Hey, court just got bumped again. We're going to ask you to testify. Will you review this file? And your body hits that thing again. I want you to make a fist, and I want you to put it in the middle of your chest and say, thank you for protecting me. I got it. Don't try to fight that stuff. Your body's trying to take care of you.

The more you fight it, the louder it's going to holler at you because it doesn't think you're getting stuff. Your body's trying to take care of you. The more you fight it, the louder it's going to holler at you because it doesn't think you're getting a message. That's true. And then I think with your kids, I think it's very fair to say, Uncle so-and-so, I'll just make up a name,

Uncle Billy is really sick. And when he gets sick, he can be scary. And daddy's been scared. And daddy's called the right people and daddy's doing the next right thing. And your dad will always protect children, even when it's hard. And so what you're doing is you're letting your kids feel your fear and feel that tension in your home and letting them know that the adults in the room are still driving the car. That's how they'll grow up to be men of character

and women of character and men and women of resilience and bravery and courage like their dad. Here's the hardest thing I'm going to tell you. Your mom and dad have opted out of relationship with you

and I can't think of a, I mean, that's just heartbreaking. I hate that with you. And I can't think of a... I mean, that's just heartbreaking. I hate that for you. They should be on your side, walking arm in arm protecting these kids. And they're not. Is there any chance your brother gets the help he needs? I have hope.

I know it's not going to be a quick thing. I hope I wake up two years, five years down gets sober and he gets the help he needs for his mental health disorders I promise you someday he's going to turn around and say

hey you're the one that kept my kids safe thank you. You're the one that forced me into court mandated rehab

and I finally got the care I needed. Thank you for loving me when nobody else would not even mom and dad.

Thank you for seeing through all my bull crap. And how do I know that? I've had these conversations with people I care about. They've circled back around. But in the meantime, it is lonely and isolating. And in your case,

terrifying because he says, I'm going to kill you. In your heart of hearts, do you really think that's possible that he would do that? Is he a violent guy? Or is he a drug addict just running his mouth? Before he started

going down the substance abuse life about three years ago, he would kind of run his mouth like this. And I didn't feel scared. Now that he's definitely unstable, I have been feeling scared. I've been sleeping with a firearm next to my bed and things like that

because he's just been extremely kind of violent the way he's communicated with all of us. And it's not just within us. There was a lot of instances in public where he scared a lot of people. He said

innocent bystanders, you know, so. Okay. Which kind of led to this latest, that was part of the petition to the court that pulled up the leg, led to the judge's decision. Okay. And I will defend my, I should have probably mentioned justice. My mom is involved in this. Her messages are also part of the petition. So she's, he is doing something.

She's pretty distraught in this. Sure, sure. I mean, I can't imagine having to go to war with my son to protect grandkids. I mean, that just sounds so surreal, right? That just sounds like not real. It's very, very, very real. And thanks for clarifying that for your mom. I'm glad.

She's a person of character too. And I know it feels like there's only so much she can do. But I'll tell you and reiterate it. And again, for whatever it's worth for me, because you're the one that's got to decide, I'm not doing holidays this year. I'm staying out of this stuff. And maybe this is the year you and your wife and your kids

don't do holidays with your family. You do holidays with her family. Y'all take yourself to a weekend getaway somewhere and y'all go whatever. Y'all just stay out of town. But the whole world would look different if more men and women had courage like you. Who stared down their family systems, who stared down systems, they stared down brothers and sisters, mom and dads.

They stared down brothers who were sick, brothers and sisters who were struggling with addiction. And they said, you're not going to hurt kids on my watch. And it might cost me relationship with you for the time being. It might cost me a loss of sleep. It might cost me a lot. You're not going to hurt kids on my watch. Period.

I'm proud of you, my brother. I'm proud of you. Court can be messy. So call me anytime, man. And I'd love to have you back on the show to talk through the process. My hope is your brother gets the help and care he needs. And it might come in the form of a court mandate. The court says you will not see your kids unless you go get well.

And man, maybe that will be one tiny little pin light through the fog of his life. He can at least follow that pin light towards the help and healing and sobriety and peace that he so desperately needs. Thanks for loving everybody, including your brother, including your brother. We'll be right back. All right, let's go out to Omaha, somewhere in middle America. Talk to James. What's up, James?

Hey, how we doing, Dr. John? We're rocking it on to the break of dawn. What's up with you? Not a whole lot. I appreciate you for the opportunity today. Can I speak with you? Of course, man. What's up?

So kind of a two-part question a little bit multifaceted but first off um how would do you suggest people um myself being the husband validate my wife's concerns about my mom but also trying to somewhat back my mom as well oh man kind of kind. Basically, you're like, hey, how do we create civilization on Mars and get there, right? You're asking a very impossible task. What did your mom do that your wife doesn't like? Or what is your mom's doing that your wife doesn't like that you're, that you're quietly secretly thinking, I think my mom's right. What is it? Yep. Yep.

So a couple of instances that have happened in the last 26 months, uh, the first one was she, you know, my family didn't give my wife like a birthday card or even a birthday present other than just like a simple text while you know her family is like showering me on my birthday and so she kind of sees like the comparison situation there okay that's how it started that's how i initially felt her feelings for it but then now it's more of like uh i'm a i'm one of four kids and we're the only ones that don't have kids in our family or for our immediate family and everybody else in my siblings do. So she sees the favoritism of the grandkids and their families, but we kind of get left third or fourth fiddle.

Well, yeah, because they have grandkids. Correct. And that's how I see it that way. How long have y'all been married? About a year and a half. Okay, there we go. Yep. So she's not on the phone to defend herself.

If she was calling me saying the same things just from her perspective, I would tell her as quickly as humanly possible, stop the comparison game and start the communication game. Here's what I mean by that. Hey, James, my family goes over the top with birthdays. Madhouse.

Your family sprinkles some shredded cheese over nachos for Thanksgiving. I want to have a lot of love on my birthday. Now you have an opportunity to help meet her needs. Yep. Right? The other side of it is, you know your family. And after your birthday, when you got showered with a ton of stuff, you knew your parents would never do that.

Correct. And so, you can facilitate, Mom, Dad, birthdays are a huge deal to my wife. Send some stuff. Send a singing telegram. And your parents will be like, that's stupid. We're not doing that. And say, yes, you are.

You're doing that. And then you can facilitate. That's fair. See what I'm saying? Yeah, absolutely. But it all comes down to as long as your wife is keeping score, she's just going to have a miserable life.

Does she do this on other things too? Like how much your friends make and who's driving what car and how big their house is and what their laundry room looks like uh no not necessarily like materialistic things the only that's why it kind of threw me off the birthday thing um because she didn't seem like that would bother her but i think it was you know she wants to have this really great relationship with my mom. And there's been a lot of things that have happened in the last year with my family. You know, her parents, my mom's parents both passed away within six months of each other. And then, you know, my sister is going to a husband who's an alcoholic.

And then my brother just had a divorce. So it was kind of like everything unraveled all at once. And my wife is sitting here like, well, we haven't done anything wrong. Why can't we continue to kind of work on a relationship since she sees me having a great relationship with her mom? That makes sense. Or her dad too. Gosh, can I be a kind of a prick for a second yeah absolutely

like what is it about like watching your mom drown that your wife sees that and she's like what about me like that seems super not attuned to reality yeah and I and I could be just it could be the way I'm I I'm phrasing it, but I don't, I have a rule. I don't like talking about people's wives, but this is a show. Like, I don't know what about that situation, six months where two of your brothers and two of your mom's kids, it's going through hell. She just lost both of her parents and your wife isn't there. She wants to build a relationship she's not there on the front porch doing everything she can to walk alongside your mom

while her whole world falls apart yeah but instead she's sitting at home being like well why doesn't she call me yeah and i think too uh that seems super immature, man. Yeah. I think, I think also, you know, the, the extra part that I haven't quite detailed is, you know, like my wife has been the first person to go help my sister watch the kids

while she's going to visit, um, her husband and her rehab facility or, or, you know, my family, me and my wife seem to be the first people to always offer up our help and want to be those people at the forefront of helping.

And I feel like she just doesn't know if it's like my family doesn't know how to reciprocate that in the sense of like, just, you know, for example, a little acknowledgement on your birthday, more than just a text. But I guess it's kind of like we keep giving, giving, giving, and we're obviously doing it for the right reasons, but it just seems like she doesn't feel that type of love. But I think she wants to, you know, in the source that she wants to have it in, you know,

like your love languages and such. Yeah. I mean, it, it sounds like, um, okay. So she's not selfish. She sounds like she's very giving and very kind thank you for clarifying that yeah I mean I would be willing to bet money this is about communication

meaning if she sat with your mom and said I love you so much and I want you to be a part of my birthday party next year that few things in the world would make your mom smile more than that. Yeah. And just teaching somebody else in a different family system, here's how I like to be loved.

Because for many, a text message is like a cold drink of water in the desert. Oh my gosh, they remembered. Yep. Right? Yep. Yep. Right? Yep. Yep. And you've probably had a few birthdays where you got a text message the next day

and they're like, oh, sorry, we got busy. Hope you had a great birthday. Yep. And for you, let's just help my folks roll. Mm-hmm. And for your wife, that would be the end of time if her parents forgot, right? Yeah.

And I think the root of it is too, you know, like growing up completely different lives, you know, they had her parents that were, you know, when they had kids, they were, you know, well off, had great jobs. They only had two of them, whereas my family started young. They had four kids. So, you know, I lived off Amy Downs. I'm the youngest. Sure. She never had one because she has a brother and just her.

Right. I would be very careful about doing things early on in a marriage to try to get somebody in the new family to like you because what you end up doing is treating them like a 401k. I'm doing these nice things as an investment so that you will like me and I will have this magical fantasy life that I want to have.

Yeah. Versus there's a need. I'm going to show up. Yeah. And over time, if people are ugly, they don't care that I'm there. It's not reciprocated.

Then yeah, I'm going to put my energy somewhere else. That's fine. But my guess is with your mom's life on fire, the lack of attention may be such a gift to your mom because she can. Yeah. Yeah. And I think too, the fact that we aren't also causing issues is a relief at the moment too. Not we causing issues, but you know, there's, there's things that have just been imploded on their, on, on them. And then we're over here just kind of being successful couple and just kind of

trying to help out as much as we possibly can. But. Right. And y'all are a year and a half half in make no mistake. Your tough days are ahead. They'll come. Yep. And it looks like your mom and dad are the kind of folks who circle the wagons and take care of their kids and love their kids and work, walk through hell with them. Absolutely.

And right now y'all aren't in this. Y'all aren't in the storm, man. Yeah. Yep. So here, here's what I would challenge. Here's my challenge, and it's a tough one. I don't think you have to placate mom, placate wife. I don't think you have to do any of that stuff.

I think it's as clear as, hey, honey, my mom shows love by being a ride or die. When things get off the rails, my mom will be there. And because there's four kids, they've been running around trying to figure out what up from down for the last 25 years. My mom just, that's just not how she does it. And she would if she knew. So I'm going to tell her, hey, mom, dad, birthdays are a humongous deal to my wife,

and we'd love to invite you into it next time. Yeah. And maybe even you take a knee on this one and say, honey, I should have told my mom how big of a deal these kind of things are, how big of a deal Thanksgiving is, how big of a deal Christmas is. Here's like my house, okay? I'll give you a good example. When we first got married, my wife came over to our house for Easter. So here's like a picture of Easter, and I'm kind of over-dramatizing, but not really. My dad would get a bag of those individually wrapped candy-covered marshmallows.

They're eggs. They're so good. I like to put 14 of them in my mouth all at once and rub them on my body. Okay, they're incredible. And he would say, everybody turn around. And we'd all turn around. He'd stand at the front yard

and throw them into the front yard just from the front porch. And he'd go, look, kids, Easter money came. We'd all run out and grab them. And then Easter was like over. That was it. Now, I did have some Easter egg hunts as a kid. I'm over-dramatizing it, right?

But that's basically what it was. For my wife, Easter, families came from states over. Yep. Everybody came out to the dairy farm. It was a huge thing. So her first Easter with me and my family

was devastating. Because Easter was the most important holiday for her and her family. And for me and my family, it was a way to get pre-diabetic. Right? And so, here's what my wife did that was so incredible. She said, hey, Easter's a my wife did that was so incredible.

She said, hey, Easter's a humongous deal to me. If this is how y'all celebrate Easter, awesome. Good for your family. I want to do it, celebrate Easter with my family. And I was like, great. Sounds awesome. And so, Easter became when we went out to her family's place in these different parts of the country. But it started with communication.

Yeah. Right? And then we figured it out. And I could have said, I'm not doing that. I like how my family does it. I like us all just sitting on the couch, nobody talking, and us just mainlining sugar and red number 40. But I didn't because I love my wife. Right?

See what I'm saying? And so it was about communication and expectation. And dude, it's been magic ever since. And so I think it sounds like that's where you're at. And I would have no problem if your wife says, gosh, I wish your mom would care more about us. And I would have no problem saying, it looks like my mom is up to her eyeballs in care right now.

She's really blessed to have at least a couple of her kids in her circle acting like adults or being well or not dealing with some sort of crisis. And she's really lucky that she's got people in her family that love each other and look out for each other like you guys do. We're going to go take care of the kids. We're going to go do X, Y, and Z. That's awesome. It's amazing. But I would also steer clear of, dude, we're not going to do any comparisons. Of course, they've got grandkids, man.

Like, that's just the way that's going to be. They're going to focus their energy over there. And I don't have, I mean, there's no heartbreak over there. Y'all can choose to go over there and be a part of those conversations, or you can sit at home with your arms folded and be like, why aren't they coming over here? Well, you don't have any kids. You don't have any grandkids.

And grandkids are fun and cute and goofy. And everybody just sit there like, they just look at them and they roll around on the floor or whatever they do. And everyone goes, ah, and then they poop and then they eat and they go to bed. Repeat, right? That's just it.

That's it. And so all I have to say is, I wouldn't get my feelings hurt. That's just not the stage y'all are in yet. Just not. At the end of the day, choosing to look around and be like, why not me? Why not me? Why not me?

Is a recipe. It's a choice to be more miserable in the present. I'm going to continue to do the next right thing. The thing I think is ethical. The thing I think is ethical the thing I think Is aligned with my values? I'm not going to do the comparison stuff and I'm going to continue to seek joy and beauty in my life not

Seek places where? It's not fair And I know that continual service and continual avoidance gets it's taxing and tiring after a while. Then I get to take my service elsewhere if that's what I choose to do. It sounds like just some good old-fashioned, hey, we're newlyweds. We're still figuring this out. I'll take it for my family. We didn't communicate.

We don't do birthdays that well, but next year is going to be off the rails. And it's not because we don't love you. It's just how we do it, and we're going to do it differently this time. Start that communication now, man. Your marriage is going to be something very, very special as you go. She's lucky to have you, man. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build

a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, a couple of things. Number one, we're talking off air. You seriously don't like circus peanuts? It's styrofoam, orange styrofoam. Those are so disgusting. Oh my gosh. They are marshmallows shaped like peanuts

that were made like 32 years ago, so they're kind of too hard. They are. That's not marshmallow. That's like rubber, like foam rubber. I don't know if y'all listening are religious people, but Strikus peanuts are of the Lord. That's all I got to say.

And especially those little candy colored, those candy coated marshmallow eggs. Oh my. No. So good. No. Yes. No.

No. Maybe you want to produce another show with somebody with terrible taste. And hey, if you're listening to this on podcast, I got a small little tattoo of some prayer hands, some praying hands. And my daughter saw them and she is seven and she goes, dad, good grief. And I was like, what? And she goes, why did you get two hands clapping for yourself tattooed on your body? And she goes, do you need that? All right. So as we wrap up today's show, Kelly's literally favorite band of all time.

The great and powerful Creed. And the song is called Hide. And Kelly and I will be shaking it like a salt shaker whenever they come to town. Creed. The song goes like this. To what do I owe this gift, my friend, my life, my love, my soul? I've been dancing with the devil way too long, and it's making me grow old.

Let's leave. Oh, let's get away. Get lost in time where there's no reason left to hide. Let's leave. Let's get away. Get lost in time where there's no reason left to hide. Let's leave. Let's get away. Run in fields of time. Not T-H-Y-M-E of which there are actual fields, but fields of

time. T-I-M-E. Just clocks everywhere. There's no reason left to hide. I don't really know what this song means. Who cares? I don't really know what this song means who cares run through fields of time my friends I love you all bye