The Dr. John Delony Show - My Ex-Wife Is an Emotional Terrorist

Episode Date: May 11, 2022

In today’s show, we hear from a parent wondering if she should search her daughter’s room, a woman heading to Ukraine to serve refugees, and a man whose ex-wife is turning his children against him. At the end of the show, Delony explains his take on an a recently released article advocating to screen young kids for anxiety.  Lyrics of the Day: "Every Breath You Take" - The Police Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I just have a question about my sneaky, sneaky 12-year-old. She takes my clothes, she takes my makeup, including my eyebrow gel. I'm going to put a hard no on that one. You've got to draw the line somewhere, Sarah, and that's it. He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood. He's the one that makes you feel all right. I love that song.

Hey, it's the Dr. John Deloney show. They should drop it in octaves. He's the one they call. That sounds creepier if you sing it like that. Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash does Dr. Feelgood would be the record of all time. That'd be amazing. Quick, hey, for those of you listening, welcome to the show. We're so glad you're here.

Mental health show, wellness, relationships. We talk about everything. Schools, education, all of it. Hey, James, Kelly, do you guys, insider baseball, do y'all trim your eyebrows? No. No? Every once in a while if i have to but rarely all right i've got a large forest growing atop my eyes right and so i i do every once in a while

when i'm getting like at a barber i was in new york a few weeks ago and i asked the guy um or no he said trim your eyebrows and i was like sure. And I was just walking down one of the streets and I saw a barbershop and I thought, this feels like a New York thing to do. Hashtag not a great idea. But I did. And as he started trimming them, I literally started laughing. Like he took so much off, I can run faster. But now they're growing directly forward. Like they're growing not this way. They're pointing at you, my friends.

I can let you borrow some of my eyebrow gel. You're officially on friendship probation, effective immediately, Kelly. Is that a thing? Yes. I love America. Guys, we're going to be okay. As a country and a society, we're going to be okay. If we've developed eyebrow gel, we're going to be all right. And on that, let's go to Sarah in Knoxville, Tennessee. What's up, Sarah? Hey, how are you, Dr. John? Good. Hey, do you have eyebrow gel?

I do, yeah. Dude, I'm learning so much. This is fantastic. I feel like everything in my life is different. I should listen to this podcast and learn more things. Okay, so what's up? How are you? I'm learning so much. This is fantastic. I feel like everything in my life is different. I should listen to this podcast and learn more things. Okay, so what's up? How are you? I'm good.

I just have a question about my sneaky, sneaky 12-year-old. You have the only sneaky 12-year-old in the whole world. I know, I know. So this is going to be, you know, a really difficult question. But she's our oldest. She is 12. She is just sneaking everything. So my question is, do I need to be searching her room?

And by everything, I mean she found an old iPad and was using it to get on the Internet unsupervised. She takes my clothes. She takes my makeup, including my eyebrow gel. So I'm going to, I'm going to put a hard no on that one. You got to draw the line somewhere, Sarah, and that's it. Boundaries. Um, so I'll answer your question. We'll get to it. Where, where does she learn sneaky? You know, my husband and I say she was born sneaky. She was sneaky as a toddler. And I am not sure. You know, I try to be very open about talking about these are our expectations, these are our boundaries.

And so I don't know if it's just being a 12-year-old now that she's being sneakier or if she just doesn't feel comfortable talking to us about stuff and would rather sneak around. So, yeah, so this is a whole other conversation we could have at another time. You're in Knoxville, come down and we'll get coffee here in the studios and we can chit chat about it. Whenever somebody's got a really sneaky kid, I always want to step back and look at, are there conversations in the house? Like, Hey, don't tell your mom, or we're going to go get Sonic drink.

Do not tell your dad. And we kind of laugh and play. Is there somehow, is this leeching its way through the rocks and making it to the, uh, aquifer down below in side of her? Maybe not. But I always want to look at where am I, quote unquote, being sneaky? Anytime somebody walks in the room, do I turn my phone off real fast? Or are we watching things on TV and then she walks in, all of a sudden we hit me? Are we creating a world where she wants to know what's going on behind that curtain, right? So that's one one thing the second thing and you

touched on and i think it's really important is is there a world that she inhabits where she is told these are my boundaries versus here's the way our family is um this is the way like you better do this let me say it this way. Often kids who feel like they are responsible for the emotional regulation of the adults in their lives create inner worlds that nobody else has access to. And then adults call that sneaky. Does that make sense? Yeah, I think so. It may not be your house.

That may not be your world. That may be a teacher. That may be a coach. It may not be any of that stuff, right? It could have, like you said, just got shot out of the cannon that way. I always want to look at what is it about this ecosystem that my son or daughter doesn't feel safe talking to me about? Like, why would they need to go down that rabbit hole and hide or whatever? So that leads us to your question, and this is going to be a controversial answer, and I don't care.

They do not have a room. They are 12. Yeah. Okay. Particularly when it comes to electronics. Search every electronic. Let them know you're searching every electronic and hold them accountable as this is who we are as our family when it comes to electronics. That might mean that y'all are going to change what movies you watch. That might mean you're

going to change some of the music you play because this is who we all are. But we are definitely going to get involved in those things. What I don't like kids doing is imagining that they have some sort of inner sanctum inside their parents' home that no one else has access to. That's how you end up in some major issues where parents are like, I had no idea they were building a bomb. I had no idea they had this or that or they had drugs. And I just want to say it's like literally 25 feet from your bedroom. How did you not go in there? It's like, well, that was their space.

No, dude, they're 12. They're 10. There's a reason it's against the law for them. They can't get their own home, right, because they're kids. And this is a very modern phenomenon. I also know there's a ton of pressure. So tell me, if you just said, hey, I'm gonna start checking your room or she caught you going through her stuff, what would that, like, would that cause a fight? No, I don't think so. Because I've told her, you know, hey, I found this in your room. I think I'm probably going to start checking your room and not telling you, you know.

And she just kind of said, oh, okay. You know, it really, I was expecting more of a reaction out of her, but she didn't. So I'm almost wondering if she feels safer with me checking in on that. So there's some of that probably. I don't want it to, room checks are about, let me say it this way. There's not like a, like they're going to stand outside like in a, in a salute position and you're going to go through the room like with the white glove. That's not what we're talking about. It's more of, I'm going to be in and out of your room all of the time. You are going to help me change your sheets. You are, I'm going to be in and out of your room all of the time. You are going to help me change your

sheets. You are, I'm going to check and make sure your room's picked up. Once every couple of weeks, we're going to go through and make sure your drawers, make sure your socks are all folded upright. It's not a matter of I'm going to go in because I don't trust you. You don't want to do that. You don't want to set up a culture where you are untrustworthy. So I'm going to go through all of your things. There is a culture. I'm in and out of your room. It's not weird, right? It's actually weird in my house when my son's like, dude, you haven't even come in my room in a few days because I'm in and out of there all the time. And so when I'm in and out of there all the time, I can point and say, dude, pick that up, gross, or clean out your snake cage or whatever the thing is. Does that make

sense? Yeah. And he knows I'm going to be helping him change his sheets, which means as a dad, I've got to get off the couch and actually help him change the sheets. But he also knows if he hides stuff under the bed, I'm going to find it. Yeah. See what I'm saying? Yeah, absolutely. So it's more of a cultural shift inside of a home. It's less of a, what I don't want people to do is hear this and hang up and then go, okay,

cool. Raid, okay, cool. Raid time. Man, you're going to create a great division between you and your child. It's more about I want to be more and more a part of your world. Have you taken her out and just started like a routine mom and daughter breakfast? Have you all started that? No, we haven't.

I would recommend that. More about how's middle school. And if you can start being honest with her about some of the crap you had to deal with in middle school, there'll be some connectivity there. And what we're doing there is building a well of that old lady that lives in this house. She's trustworthy. I can trust her. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then you can get to the deeper conversations of like, tell me about TikTok.

What's so great about it? Like, why is this cool? Why is it not cool? Right. And then you can really get into some of those conversations that they can only have when they feel safe. But thank you for loving your daughter enough. Oh, yeah. She's great.

Yeah. She's wonderful. She's so smart and athletic. And like, she's just the best. Yeah. That's so cool. She's lucky to have you. And you touched on something. I think it is important before I get off the phone here. 12-year-olds are super curious, and I don't ever get upset with curiosity.

I love it. I think it's great. If I have provided access to things in my home, usually via the internet, because I lack boundaries or I wasn't paying attention i don't ever blame a 12 year old for their curiosity i blame myself for not creating boundaries that are going to keep my kids safe the same as i don't get upset with it well i would definitely get upset but if a 12 year old has access to a loaded weapon that's on the adult in the room not the 12 year old right and we can make all the rules like 12-year-olds, you don't do this. And great, the adults have to step up there, right?

So, yeah, I think they're going to be curious. It's going to be both and. When there's a behavior with a kid, always remember this. I've said this a bunch. I'll keep saying it. Behavior is a language. Behavior is a language. What are they telling you?

The kid's sneaky. They're telling you, I have to have a safe inner world because my outer world isn't safe. And let's work on that level of safety somehow, somewhere. She's lucky to have you, Sarah. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the homebuying process.

You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we're back. Hey, there's guy named trevor who works on this show and he creates the thumbnails for youtube and cuts and pastes and i don't understand all of what

trevor does he's really smart and talented but the other day he was putting up uh the thumbnail and the title and it said extreme mental health what was it james it was extreme mental health said facing extreme mental health and relationship challenges except he had? It was extreme mental health. It said, facing extreme mental health and relationship challenges. Except he had a typo. Trevor had a typo. And it said, facing extreme mental health.

So great. So great. And with this summer's big tour, Poison Motley Crue and Def Leppard doing a stadium tour, we're all going to get in our walkers and get our dentures in, and we're going to go rock.

Kelly's already... I saw the pair of jeans that you cut super short for your soup. Bringing Daisy Dukes back, everybody. It's going to be... I can't wait. It's going to be so fun. But the tickets, they're a little bit proud. A little bit proud of the tickets.

Yeah, they were over $350 per. I loved it. Come on, guys. Have you not seen gas prices? Let's back that thing down a little bit proud. A little bit proud of the tickets. Yeah, they were over $350 per. Come on, guys. We're not seeing gas prices. Let's back that thing down a little bit. Let's take about 35, 50, 65% off that. That's cool. All right, let's go to Morgan in Tyler TX. What's up, Morgan?

Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm good. My heart is pounding right now. Hey, you are in safe hands. And by safe hands, they're definitely not mine, but Kelly and James are driving. So you're good. You're good. So what's up? Okay. So, um, I am taking a team of people to Romania in September. Hey, real quick, real quick, real quick. Maureen, talk directly into your phone there.

Okay. Is that better? Oh, a thousand times better. Great. Okay, so we're taking a team to Romania in September to work with Ukrainian refugees. And I was just wondering, how can I prepare our team for the trauma stories that we're doing here? And how can we respond to those stories as we, you know, hear them and interact with those people? I love this question. So good.

And it's applicable both for people going into deal with war war zone refugees. And it's also important for how do you deal with your middle school kids at home? Right. So great, great question. Um, talk about, what are y'all doing there? Y'all going to like be giving them food and shelter. Like what are y'all, what work are y'all doing? Uh, that's a great question. Um,

our host there, I've been talking with her about it and she was kind of explaining like, we really don't know obviously what the status of the war is going to be when we go and what the needs are going to be. But she gave me an idea of what they're doing now and they're delivering supplies. They're doing programs. And they're delivering supplies. They're doing programs for refugee children. They're actually delivering supplies into Ukraine.

They're transporting refugees from their border to wherever else they need to go, where their family members are. So that's kind of the general idea of what we might be doing at the time, but we don't really know. I love it. Okay, cool. So I'm writing notes down to myself right here. And I'm going to rattle them off at you, okay? If you don't have something

to write with, that's totally fine. You can go back and just listen to this and we can even send you a clip. It won't come out for a while, but you may be on the road already so we can send you something.

But here's a couple of entry point things to keep in your back pocket that would be great for you to circle up your team and meet with them. How old is your team going over? Really all ages. I've had some people in high school interested, some people in their 40s. Okay. All right. Okay. So here we go. The first thing that's important is everybody has to go in with the idea that we're going to be listeners, not fixers. Very little somebody can bring over from, you know, Dallas, Texas to Ukraine in the, like, you know what y'all should be doing this? What you could really be providing them is a listening ear and them getting very quickly, a group of people paid their own money or a group

of other people provided the means for someone to travel over just to sit with me. They crossed oceans just to be with me during my darkest hour. And it's incredibly healing. And so I would put big number one, listen more, talk less, right? Listen more, talk less. The second thing is I would start a practice right now. So as people are deciding if they want to go, they want to be a part of this, part of them signing up and saying, yes, they put their deposit in or whatever. I want you to have some sort of journaling apparatus, some sort of journal for them that you're going to hand them and say you start today. And here's why that's important. They're going to have to have some sort of processing mechanism and I want them to practice

that a couple of weeks before they head over there. And this is going to be where you as the supervisor or you and like a group of team leaders are going to really step into this gap here. But I want them to write at the end of every day. And I want you and your team to spend an extra hour or two before you all go to bed reading and responding to these things. Okay. Okay. Something about being heard in the midst of chaos is a gift to the human physical system. It just lets you drop your shoulders.

Somebody hear what I'm seeing, right? And you will also begin to see if one or two of your team members, if they're starting to rattle at the seams, right? They're starting to kind of untether a little bit. And that's a great way. People will write things that they won't say. And it's easy when you're doing this kind of work to, you know, rally a circle and be like, all right, how's everybody? Well, the folks who are really struggling probably aren't going to say anything. And so when you're writing it down, they will. Another thing here, stay off, stay off, stay off the news. Be with, be present where you're at.

And here's another hard one along that same line. If at all possible, limit the number of domestic, them texting, especially them FaceTiming back home. Y'all go over there, be fully there. One of the, this is a hypothesis of mine that I'm still working through, and I don't even know how I would sit down with a research group to figure this out. But we've seen the rise in PTSD. We've seen the rise in just general anxiety across the world. And I go back to us, our brains are not designed to live stream war, right? Our brains are designed to respond to threats in our immediate ecosystem. And when I look at the rise of PTSD among soldiers, I have to wonder if one of the great gifts is when they're deployed, they can still go watch their kid's Little League game because their spouses can FaceTime it.

Or they can see their spouses and FaceTime it. They can digitally attend birthday parties. But it also is asking the brain to do something it's not designed to do, which is to go out on mission during the day and then be a dad in my living room 17,000 miles away at night. And I'm wondering if the toggle back and forth is taxing on their mind. I'm not saying, if I'm a soldier and I'm deployed, you're dang right, I'm going to FaceTime every day. I'm not going to miss those moments. But I have to wonder if there's some sort of physiological consequence downstream. And similar here, I want that team, if they sign up to go, this is not to Facebook stuff and to send Instagram posts.

It's just to be present to help hurting people. So let's, like we may have a once a week, we may all get together and do FaceTime back home, but I want everybody present, okay? And then here's the last thing I would tell you. Every single person on this trip will come back different. They're going to change. And often we really struggle and fight change as it's happening to us. Ukrainian refugees and not experience, not have that secondary traumatic stress, not have some of

that hatred and ugliness and evil and pain and hurt rub off on you. And hopefully they can bring those lessons back. But trying to fight that change is going to be hard. So you as the leader will be having conversations about, okay, what does this look like moving forward? How are you going to be different? What change in the world are you going to be a part of now that you've experienced this? And so what we're doing is we're taking that grief and we're quickly toggling it to making meaning here, right? What changes in the world are you going to be a part of

as a result of this? Not, that was a cool experience and we got some cool IG posts out of it and it's going to go on a college resume or I'm going to do a talk on it at my local church. No, that's not why we're doing this. We're actually going to sit with hurting people. Does that make sense?

Yeah, absolutely. Awesome. Those are just a few tips. The big one is my, I think I've talked about it on the show, whenever I would go to a scene, a crisis scene, and it was like gruesome crisis scenes

that were just a mess, or really, a crisis scene, and it was like gruesome crisis scenes that were just a mess or really, really heavy ones where somebody had been murdered and the families rallied up in a circle. And my supervisor would always call and check in with me. And he would say, what'd you see? What's your body doing? What'd you feel? What's next? And he would just go through these questions, but I always remember, and it's 2 a.m., 3 a.m. he's calling, checking in. So I always appreciated that human connection and come to find out it's neurologically and physiologically the right thing to do also, to reconnect each other to other people. So make sure y'all checking in with each other. But thank you, thank you for going to love hurting people. That's really a gift.

What inspired you to do this? Um, so in 2018, my sister and I actually went to Jordan to work with Syrian refugees. And, um, when this opportunity came along, I just knew that that was something that I felt like God had kind of created that passion in me to just go help those people in need. So the things I just rattled off here, would that have applied to your experience in Syria? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Like you said, then when it comes back different, I was like, yep. Very cool. Well, thank you for your heart and thank you for being willing to go love and just sit with people.

And usually I like people to enter into a space with a mission. Like, I'm going to get people out of this burning building. I'm not just going to go hang around in the building while it burns. I like them to, if you're going to enter into a crisis situation, have an objective. But I kind of like your heart here. We don't know what we're doing, but we're going to go sit with hurting people. And if they ask us to make eggs, then we're going to make eggs. And if they ask us to sweep the floor, we're going to sweep the

floor. And if they ask us just to hold them and hear their stories, write their stories down, tell their stories on our return trips, that's what we're going to do. That's a beautiful heart. Thank you so much. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to we do this at work

We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks I want you to consider talking with a therapist Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering

therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to Brian in Evanston, Wyoming. What's up, Brian?

How's it going? We are rocking on, brother. What are you up to? I'm just driving along here, trucking. Excellent, man. So what's up, dude? Well, I just had a question. How do I get over my hate and

just contempt for my ex-wife? Yeah, we got two kids together. I would like to be at least friendly with her, but I mean, we split up, we split up like over 10 years ago and she's still basically making my life insane. How's she making your life insane? She's turning the kids against me. She's constantly trying to drive a wedge between me and my current wife. And it's just really, it's putting a negative impact on my entire life. She's manipulative and vindictive.

I mean, she gets mad over my wife signing a permission slip for one of the kids. It seems insane to me. How. Um, how'd your marriage end, man? Oh, it ended bitterly bad. She cheated on me. Uh, you know, and then she cheated on me twice as the two guys, as far as I know. And then, uh, I found out about the first guy along, like after we'd already split up and she, you know, I found out about the first guy along, like after we'd already split up and she, you know, I found out about this other guy and, and I, you know, that, I mean, it just devastated me because we stayed married another like three years after, after that, that guy. And, and she, I mean, she was able to look me in the eye and lie to me for years. And then,

you know, it's kind of a bittersweet thing because it was horrible, but we got our second daughter Kayla out of it. And I, you know, I, it's just, you know, it's, it's to this day. I mean, I, I, it feels like I didn't get any closure cause she won't give me any, you know, she, she just wants me to die alone and, and, uh, miserable. Yeah. And she's doing her best to make it happen. Why? Can I ask you a couple of hard questions? Do it. Why do you give her this much power?

I don't know. I get the, like, yeah, she's raising hell with the kids. That's hard. That just, we can talk about how to deal with the kids stuff. That's hard, man. But you are continuing to allow her to, you're choosing misery for some reason. And I don't fully get why. Tell me why. I don't understand. I don't get it either. I would love, I want to be happy.

You know, I, I don't, I mean like, like it's like, this whole thing has left me with just crippling self-esteem issues. I can't even be fully open with my wife. That's right. And she can compliment me, and I won't believe it. I don't believe it. I believe she's lying to my face. But here's the thing. I'm going to give you your power back, okay?

I want to change your language to I can't to I choose not to. And there's a reason why you choose to not trust your new wife. Because you went all in on somebody and they burned you to the ground. Right? Yeah. I've been with my wife for 10 years. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

You're still hanging on to the first one. And more importantly, you're not hanging on to her as much as you're hanging on to what's wrong with me. And until you can quote unquote figure out what's wrong with Brian, the truck driver who just wants to be a good dad and just have a little bit less sucky life. Until you make peace with Brian, your brain's going to continue to try to solve for enemies that don't exist. You were giving a woman a decade ago who hurt you access to your present day life. And why would I want to do that? It's not a matter of want. It's a protective measure.

Until you get back in the driver's seat of the truck you're moving down the road in your brain will drive for you until you sit down and own oh this happened and i'm not screwed up something was wrong with her or maybe i wasn't the husband i could have been it was both and often it's both and and now I get to choose what tomorrow looks like. And you haven't made that step yet because you haven't grieved it. You haven't just sat there and sat in it. You've had to make peace with the fact that she's going to be a part of your life because y'all created kids together. Which, by the way, is also hard because something good did come from her. Right?

And you have to own that she's not all evil. She's mostly evil, but man, she created two beautiful little kids with me And so it's a hodgepodge of emotions What I don't think you've dealt with what a lot of people deal with when they're working through infidelity Is you lost trust in brian? You don't think you're good enough you don't think you look good enough You don't think you're smart enough or i'm just this piece of crap truck driver Probably could lose 40 pounds and fill in the blank, and you've created a whole

story about Brian that's not true. And then you go through your life looking for ways the world can back up the story, the narrative you've created about yourself, and the world's happy to do that. If you just made more money, if you just look better, if you just didn't do this, and your wife, your ex-wife's happy to throw some gas on that fire. Yeah, she is. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You have to make peace with Brian. You have to begin to trust Brian. And when you trust Brian, then you can trust other people. How do I even begin to do that? Number one, you got to choose. Nope, let me back up. Number one, you got to own reality and you haven't done that.

Your wife cheated on you, period. Your wife hurt you bad and she lied to your face. People are capable, not all of them, but some people are capable of incredible dishonesty and incredible disloyalty. And it happened to you. You got hurt. You got to own reality. And you probably have to own some crap that you did along the way,

right? Is that fair? You weren't perfect as a husband? Maybe you were. Shoot, maybe you were. I mean, nobody's perfect. But I mean, I didn't cheat on her. I didn't hit her. I've raised our family. We raised our family. I supported the family. I don't know what else I could have done different. Maybe I'm emotionally unavailable. I get that from my wife all the time. Sure.

All right. So let's stop. That's a problem. I'll give you that. There you go. So and again, I'll give you emotional unavailability is a protective measure because your body remembers, hey, we were emotionally available once and it got us killed. So let's put that away. Let's put that away.

Right? The sucky part about where you are is the only way forward is choosing to possibly get hurt again. That's the only way. I got to choose to put myself out there again. Correct. And right now you share a bed with a woman who loves you and you're completely and totally alone. And you know that.

And especially your body knows that. And you're around two kids that you absolutely adore and love and would do anything for. And they kind of look like your wife and your body knows it. And it says danger, danger, danger. And what you have to choose is, A, I'm going to start trusting Brian. And I can give you a couple of quick tips and tricks on how to do that. You're probably not going to do them, but I'll write them out for you,

okay? The second thing you're going to have to do is make a daily choice for about four months that my ex-wife does not get a vote in my life, period. And when I run up against bonkers things, like she's a rattlesnake and you keep putting your hand in the bag, getting surprised that she bites you. It's just the way she is. And so I'm not trying to figure out a rattlesnake, it just is. I'm just going to quit putting my hand in the bag. And so my wife, the step-parent of my two children, sometimes have to sign a permission slip. And so I know that she's going to send weird text and throw a hissy fit because that's what she does. I'm not going to allow that to ruin my day. I'm not giving her access to my day. And if she wants to throw a super fit and cause all kinds, that's fantastic. I'm just going to

call the lawyer and we'll get an amendment done. I'm just not going to, I'm not going to fight you. And there's something incredibly empowering about looking at somebody going, I'm not going to fight you. Hear what I'm saying? It's just a totally different way of looking at the world. But first, before you do any of that, is you got to look at Brian and say,

yep, we missed it. She was sleeping with a friend of mine. She was cheating on me with another guy. And for three years, I knew something was off and I didn't go with my gut and I stuck it out and it still ended up in ash. And then find out, right, you got to make peace with that so that you can look at your new wife and say, for 10 years, we've been married and I've loved you, but I didn't know what that even meant. And I'm going to go all in. And so I'm going to have to practice being vulnerable again, because last time it got me killed. And the only way that you and I can have a great, incredible, recklessly lovely marriage moving forward is if I risk again. And dude, it's so freaking worth it, man. It's so worth it, Brian. Yeah, it's tough to do. Dude, I can think of no tougher thing, right? I can't think of a tougher thing. I can't.

Me neither. But if nothing else, your little ones deserve that, man. Because here's the deal. They feel that gap and that tension. So let's talk about your kids real quick, you're playing a 15 or 20 year game with them right now, okay, and it's not going to, this is an MMA match, and you are going to do a lot of blocking, and a lot of pushing up against the fence, and a lot of foot stompsps and a lot of leg kicks. You're not

trying to knock anybody out here. You are just slowly playing a long game here because your goal is round four and five. Okay. And you're up against a superior opponent in the short term, which is a wife who can throw grenades at you. They can say things like, oh, your daddy doesn't love you. You know what he did? And you can't do anything about that nonsense. What you can do is continue to show up and continue to show up and continue to write your kids little notes from their truck driver dad to continue to do what you can to be at their events, to continue to hold their face and look them in the eye and say, this house doesn't work without you. And I'm so glad you're my child. Say that every day for two months and watch what happens. They'll roll their eyes at you, they'll be like, oh, and their physiology will change. Ask them if you can read them bedtime stories or even better yet,

make them up together and incorporate that, right? So you can play long games and what will slowly happen is the kids are brilliant. They will slowly start to put together, oh, she's crazy. Because that doesn't make sense. And then one day when they're 17, 18, 25, 33, they'll say, hey, whoa, you weren't the devil, were you? And you'll say, no, and I loved you every step of the way. That's the game you're playing right now, okay? And that does not give you any – That's a terrible way. That's the game you're playing right now, okay? And that does not give you any...

That's a terrible game. It's the worst game. It's the worst. And I'm heartbroken, just guy to guy, I'm heartbroken that your ex is doing this to you. But I'm not going to give her one more moment of rent-free space in my head, in my heart, period. Especially when not

one thing she's doing is surprising me. Yeah. Same prep. Same stuff. All the time. Yeah. It's like every time you walked in to see me, I just hit you in the mouth. Like the 48th time, you'd be like, quit hitting me. And I'd say,

I hit you every time quit walking up this close You know what? I mean at one point at some point we're both at fault And so i'm just gonna make that choice I promise you brian with everything I got Two guys sitting at a bar Over cheap beers and chips and queso. I'm talking to you right now. I promise you, your way forward with telling your new wife of a decade,

I'm gonna try something different and I'm gonna need you to help me and we're gonna come up with a new language on when I start withdrawing. I'm gonna start saying out loud, the story I'm telling myself is I'm not really looking good. And you're just saying that and give her an opportunity to say, nope, you do. You look good. You know what? Screw it. Can I tell you, Brian, this weekend,

I was with my wife and I was wearing a shirt and I got a t-shirt and I said, hey, we were out somewhere. And I looked at her and said, hey, I don't feel like this is a good shirt for me to be wearing. Like, it feels bad on me. And she said, you look good. And my first thought was, no, I don't. And then my second thought was, I trust you. I'm still practicing this and I haven't had near the hurt you've had. Okay. So I want you to know you're not crazy. We're all figuring this out. It's how are you going to risk that relationship? Because my wife could have said,

yeah, never wear that shirt again. You look terrible. She could have said that and then I just wouldn't have worn the shirt anymore, right? Develop that language with her. A couple of things for you. This is going to sound so cheesy, man. But when you're out over the road,

are you over the road or do you go home every day? I go home every day. Okay. Then before you get out of the car, are you over the road or do you go home every day? I go home every day. Okay. Then before you get out of the car, I want you to go to Walmart and get something for six bucks. And it's going to be a small little black or red or green little notebook that's leather bound. And I want you to put it in your truck and write a few things about the day down into them. But a couple of these things are I'm grateful for And I am a good dad And i'm about to go in and be a great husband and I want you to get your truck and go inside your house

But I want you to start practicing writing this stuff down You got to get out of your head and out of your body and let your body begin to heal Okay And there's gonna be ups and downs and sideways and forwards The goal here is human connection, human touch. Forgive him, Brian. And dude, you gotta go risk. You gotta go risk. And I hate that for you, man, but you gotta do it. It's the only way forward.

Okay. Do you love this new lady you're with? Yeah. A lot. Is she cheating on you? She's way better than the old one. Like she's a set of tires. That's fantastic. Better than the old ones if she did she'd be gone before she told me

hey it's probably not going to happen man I think this lady loves you and I know there you go and so you may not believe Brian and you're going to have to practice believing Brian and learning to trust Brian again.

You put that guy in a box for a long time. Start practicing trusting her. And say, I believe you. And I'm gonna drop my shoulders and exhale. I'm gonna choose to believe you. And maybe you tell her, you can hurt me because I'm going all in on you again.

And I should have done this 10 years ago. And I'm sorry. And I've been protecting myself from more hurt and more hurt. And in the process, I built walls that keep me from you. So I'm going all in and look at her and say, please don't hurt me. I'm going all in on you. Please be there with me, ride or die till the end.

I'm all in. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. I gave Brian during the break there, I gave Brian a copy of On Your Past, Change Your Future. If you are wrestling with, I am stuck. I cannot make this next step. I don't know how to let the abuse go, the racism go, the ex that cheated on me. I struggle with disordered eating and I don't know what's next. I struggle with depression. I don't know how to get from there to here,

from here to what does joy even look like. If that's you, this book's for you, okay? Check it out, Own Your Past, Change Your Future. It's in stores, it's all over the place now. Go check it out. The reviews are coming. It's helping folks. Go pick it up.

All right. Hey, James gave me this article here. As youth mental illness sores u.s task force recommends screening children as young as eight for anxiety nearly half of young adults reported feeling anxious or depressed and before covid um the most recent comprehensive survey found that eight percent of children had a current anxiety disorder. Um, and it suggests that it is infinitely more up to 48% of young adults. Um, one and two. I've talked about this before on the show. Um, here's the, here's the deal. I would love for there to be

wired into the curriculum at elementary schools and middle schools and high schools, ways that teachers could identify and, um, partner with and support and love and care about kids struggling from debilitating anxiety I'm all for figuring out a way to quote unquote screen kids. Check them out. Is there ways we can look at this? My head instantly goes to when we used to have to do the lice checks and they just put us in a line in a hallway and that I was dude. I felt so good. It was the best they had that that Popsicle stick and they're

just running through your hair. So great. But they were looking for a lice. And I think about that, like, okay, cool. Often school systems are well-meaning and, but there can be really blunt and obtuse when they're trying to implement some of these things like testing, whatever, that's another conversation. So I just had like a line out of a hallway, like, all right, we're doing the anxiety screening. Are you sad? Are you? Hey, I hope we don't do that. Number two, here's the problem I have with the mandatory anxiety screening for kids as young as eight. What are you going to do with it? What are you going to do with that data? Are you going to label a kid and put them in a different class, put them in a different track, run him through different whatever? Are you going to make her go get a bunch of medications or make

her have to do a bunch of psychometric testing that's really expensive their family can't afford? What are you going to do with this data? So as a parent, A, I want to be really careful about who's tagging my kid with what diagnostic, who's tagging my kid with what label, and more importantly, what are we doing about it? Because I contend that our kids aren't, quote unquote, more anxious because something's wrong with them. Our kids are, quote unquote, more anxious because the world around them, the adults that inhabit their universe have lost their freaking minds. The adults are acting like children. They're screaming, they're yelling, they're running, they're live streaming a war in the living room. They're telling their kids,

well, your teacher wants you dead. The doctor didn't know what he's talking about. Church is stupid. We ain't doing that anymore. On and on and on. And we have melted these young kids' worlds around them. And their beautiful little brains are hollering at them. Hey, we're not okay. We're not okay. We're not okay. We're not okay. And so, dude, if a US task force recommends screening kids as young as eight for anxiety, and when they find out critical masses of students have anxiety, they're going to start implementing recess and laughter and human connection and joy and less drill and kill response for school testing and places where kids can rest because they're having to be at school

at five o'clock in the morning or whatever. And you heard me run my mouth about this on this very show, my kids and their silent lunches, because they're too loud. Is that what we're going to do? Are we going to start, are we just going to dope up the kids? Or are we going to tell the kids you're broken or dysfunctional, we're going to make you do something different? Are we going to teach them classes about how to manage stress, how to speak up, how to identify it in their bodies. Because if we're doing that, I'm all in. But if it's just another way to blame a kid for their brain trying to tell the adults in their world, help me, please.

Please be an adult. Stop screaming in the house. Stop yelling. Stop being so indebted that you can't breathe. Because if you can't breathe, I can't breathe. Mom and dad, will y'all fix your marriage? Brother and sister, if we're gonna do that, man, I'm all in. If we're not, what are we doing?

What are we doing? As we wrap up today's show, sorry, I'm just gonna end on a bum note here, but we'll loop it back because James comes through the clutch. It's a call back to the first call with the mom who wanted to know, should I be searching my kid's room? The police wrote a song about this very situation.

It's called Every Breath You Take, and it goes like this. Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watching you. Every single day, every word you say, every game you play, every night you stay, I'll be watching you. Now, this could be a really creepy stalker song.

I'm not. I'm going to say this is a song of a concerned parent written to their teenage children. Oh, can't you see you belong to me and my poor heart aches with every step you take. Every smile you fake, every claim you stake, I'll be

watching you. And I'm watching you too, America. We'll see you soon. Coming up on the next episode, I'd like to say hashtag John and James, which should be a new hashtag. Is that how those work? He's got two guitarists. He's got a Fender player and a Gibson player. And together they created magic.

So like a guy that can really play and then a guy that just plays power chords. Exactly. I see what you did there. That hurt my feelings. I teach at one of the best schools ever. And my joy and my passion for teaching art is just waning. Where are you finding joy in other places in your life? I don't. and my passion for teaching art is just waning.

Where are you finding joy in other places in your life? I don't.