The Dr. John Delony Show - My Family Treats Me Like Their Bank

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman struggling to set financial boundaries with her family - A new father hoping to regain healthy habits - A woman unable to celebrate her weight-loss victory Lyrics of the Day: "All By Myself" - Eric Carmen Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. But you're living at home and so are you working through grad school? I am. Okay, so the expectation is Miss Richie Rich, you're gonna pay for us and our bills and everything. Or you have the funds to do so, so why not? You don't care about what happens to us. Oh, gosh. What up, what up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Show about your mental health, your emotional health, your families, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life, financial life. Man, there's a lot of financial stress and chaos out there. Whatever you got going on in your life, my promise is I'll sit with you and we will figure it out. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291.

It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Don't forget, we're getting right up on the holidays here. Man, if you order right now, right now, you can probably, if there's any left, get the Questions for Humans Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all the other decks for your holiday

season. Do they have time? Yes, this show airs the day after Thanksgiving. Oh, the day after Thanksgiving. Yes, the Monday after. They are gone! They're gone. So those are gone, but now we are all about Christmas decks. There you go, Christmas. Yeah, it's all Christmas all the time right now. Let's go.

Or happy holidays? Nope, Merry Christmas. Xmas? Duh. My husband gets mad at me if I use that. Xmas just got cancelled. Dude, everyone's I think this me if I use that. I think you just got canceled. Dude, everyone's... I think this show's long past that.

I think we're way past that. I think we're cancel-proof at this point. I wouldn't go cancel-proof. There's some things that you say off-air that I was like, that would end the show. Yeah, for sure. Really?

Yeah, for sure. But I think, yes, I think we're good. Let's go out to Columbia, South Carolina and talk to the great Haley. What's up, Haley? Hey, guys. How's it going? we're partying what about you i'm almost partying i haven't graduated yet but i'm about to excellent what's up so due to me about to graduate taking board exams move out and move on with my life in general. I'm finding that there are certain

financial expectations or habits from my family in response to me putting up certain boundaries that are not going so well. Wait, let me back out a little bit. So you're taking boards. What are you taking boards for? To become a clinical data analyst. Wow. Very cool. And then you're still living at home? Yes. I did during graduate school to try to save on cost. Excellent. And that cost you in your soul, right? It did. So are you first gen? Are you the first one in your family to quote unquote make it, get out? I would technically be the second. Second, okay.

But it's not common at all. But you're living at home, and so are you working through grad school? I am. Okay, so the expectation is, oh, Miss Richie Rich, you're going to pay for us and our bills and everything. Or you have the funds to do so, so why not? Oh, that makes it even worse. That makes it a— It does.

Oh, you have this, so if you don't do it, you're holding out on us. You don't love us. You don't care about what happens to us. Oh, gosh. Dude, that's one of my very, very—I have very few triggers that make me just insta-angry. That's one of them. Oh, gosh, dude. That's one of my very, very, I have very few triggers that make me just instant angry. That's one of them. Oh, my gosh. Somebody's trying to make their life better, and the old world that they come from just throws every hook they have into their just bare flesh to hold you back. Oh, my gosh. Okay, so how can I help?

Like I said, the reallocating funds is the easy part for me. I'm still trying to deal with the emotional aftermath of saying no to things or saying that I can't do X, Y, and Z. The amount of, and you probably hear it all the time, but the amount of guilt that weighs on me is painful in the sense I start second guessing and doubting myself. Um, of, wow. Okay. I, I keep trying not to get upset when I say these things. No, no, no. It would be really strange if you were able to say these things and not get upset. Here's why.

I want nothing more in the world than my son and my daughter to have a more whole healthier life than me and that's across a spectrum i hope that they have a more grounded spiritual life than i did i was such a chaotic mess i have been i probably still am i hope that they don't have the same demons when it comes to the person they see in the mirror physically. I hope that financially, that money for them is an opportunity to serve and help and love and bring joy to themselves and to their families and to their communities and not this thing that just ravages their soul like I want their the lives to be better than what I've got and I've got it pretty good and every parent I know

wants that it's the those other parents and brothers and sisters I've got brothers and sisters and cousins and they are rooting for me like you wouldn't believe and you have the opposite. You have people that are connecting themselves to you so that they can drag you back, so that you can fund their desire to not work or their lack of or their whatever. And so what you're experiencing is not the way it should be

and if it shouldn't be that way your body should try to get your attention to help make it right and so if you're able just to be like oh yeah and then my mom and dad and then my cousins then my sister and brother whatever if you're able to just rattle that off you've detached from reality in a pretty significant way so i want to tell you I think your emotions are right. They feel whole to me. Okay. You're not crazy. So what is guilt? Tell me about this guilt. Um, this is actually a question I thought about multiple times and I'm just now, as though I was kind of a burden. And using resources, whether it be financially, all the upkeeps that it takes to have a child in the first place. So I found that I...

Where did that come from? Did they tell you that? Did they tell you that? Or did you create that? Or was it kind of in the air? It was... I'm not going to put this... The more involved I got into family finances from a very young age the more

aware i guess it became of how much i cost as far as um activities i wanted to do or be a part of or um you know we have to pay for her books so we can can't get X, Y, and Z, and I just... Yeah, that is so manipulative and gross. It's gross that they did that to you. You're their kid. You're here because of something they did, not you. Right? And all kids want and desire and seek experiences and want to be with their friends

and want to try things out. It's the parent's job to look at reality, finances, and to say, hey, we're not going to be able to do that. We're going to do this. Or in this house, we're not going to do that. We're going to go do this. It's never okay for a parent to say, yeah, cool. We'll let you play soccer, and I guess I just won't go, I won't do anything fun for the next six months because it's all about you, huh, kid? And you learn at a really young age that burdensome question you're asking,

like, oh, my dad's life would be better if I wasn't here. My mom's life would be more joyful because she would have more resources if i wasn't around and what you learn to do i'm guessing is squash the things that made you happy or that you wanted to like go explore whether it was sports or instruments or friends or going to a birthday party across town or whatever the thing was. Because usually in these situations, it starts out as money, but it ends up as, I don't want to have to drive you.

I've been working all day. Or you're just going to sit there on the couch while I'm off working and you're not going to do anything to contribute around here, right? Yes, sir. Does that sound familiar? Yes, sir. Yeah. And then somehow, some way, you were born of something different. You had a fire inside of you. You said, I'm getting out of here. And this nonsense stops with me.

And what they don't tell you in the Instagram posts and they don't tell you in grad school, which I wish they would, is you don't get off scot-free it hurts and when you pull away from those hooks that people have stuck in your back and in your skin and your legs it rips your skin it burns hurts you bleed so I guess what I'm trying to tell you is the guilt yeah man your two parents should be rooting for you. They should be your number one fanatic cheerleaders. They shouldn't be vampires. And so with pulling away from that, yeah, guilt is normal.

It's right. You're not crazy because you feel guilty. You're not even crazy if you go out on your own and you get stable and you cut them off for a season as part of forming boundaries and they've probably told you you'll never make it without them is that true or i think in terms it's it's more so of i guess it's a generational thing to have unspoken of i help to get you where you are therefore it's like a more so treated like a give and take transaction rather than being yeah like you're some kind of 401k for them right yeah honestly that pisses me off like hey we like we've been keeping numbers, and here's how much we've invested in you,

so this is what you owe us at 12% return. Hey, listen, Haley, that is absolute stone-mad bullcrap. It's ridiculous. And if they were your financial advisor, I would tell you to fire them. Because they're not telling you the truth. But this is more complex because it's mom and dad. It's family. And I'm going to tell you the same thing. You need to fire them. You need to walk away.

Do you have another, and I'm not saying forever, by the way, I'm not one of those guys like you cut ties and never commit um for whatever reason they've created the world they've created and i'm sure if i went back in their histories they've had a pretty chaotic life is that fair that's fair yeah it's not an excuse but it gives a context right um right do you have a group of people that you've met like in grad school that are all hayley all the time i have or I do have friends who, honestly, are the ones who tell me, like, this is complete and utter BS.

And, of course, I, to absolve myself of guilt, which I had to recognize, and... Don't absolve it. Don't absolve it. Don't absolve it. Don't absolve it. Head right into it. Don't run from guilt. Guilt is right. it's your body trying to

reconcile all the nonsense and reality it's your body trying to reconcile it hey we're doing a thing we were told not to do and what you have to do is hold that thing at arm's length and say hey is this true because some guilt is right you know what i mean and some if you if you just went to your mom and just were super disrespectful and ugly, like, I can't believe you're terrible, mom. Yeah, you should feel guilty because that's not cool. It's dishonoring to speak to your mom that way. But creating boundaries that keep you safe

and keep you whole and allow you to go do this amazing job and to create this new life that is going to be free from poverty and free from making the kids drive the wagon instead of the adults in the kids drive the wagon instead of the adults in the world drive the wagon um yeah you get to set some pretty firm boundaries there and your mom and dad can gravy train you all they want they can 401k you and you owe us that you don't owe them anything financial

zero none unless y'all came up with some agreement you'll pay back grad school or something but i have a strong suspicion that they did not pay for your grad school or college or anything that's right how much do you owe are you in the hole after this um i was at least um well before the end of college, it was COVID. So I was paused at around $80,000. Good gosh. For undergrad and beginning of grad. What do you owe now?

I've been making payments during the pause and down to at least $60,000. Good for you. Good for you. All right, here's the deal. I'm just going to make this a mathematical equation, okay? Okay. You are underwater. You have absolutely no business trying to bail somebody else's boat,

get the water out of their boat because yours is sinking. Yours is underwater too. Correct. And this is not about guilt. This is just math. You have no business bailing somebody else out until at least you're above water. And so if you're working on practicing, building a practicing boundaries, I want you to start there. Hey guys, I am $80,000, $60,000 in the hole. I'm not sending any money to anybody other than Sally Mae,

other than to the government to get these loans taken care of. Y'all are on your own. Do you still live at home? Currently, yes. When do you move out? Applications where I've submitted single lease applications, those get taken up from January, February. What does that mean?

That means that they reviewed my application and once someone moves out, I'm on a wait list to basically take their place. In a campus residence hall? It's an equivalent upper class living, yes. Okay. What about an apartment? Often apartments are way cheaper

because you don't have to pay for the board plan. I've also put in applications for apartments on a wait list for January. I want you out before January. I want you out before the holidays. I want you out as soon as possible. If January has to be January, cool, but I want you to really quickly, like we're recording this at the very beginning of November. I want you to like within the week, but some very clear boundaries on the presence. You will not be buying for the adults. You want to buy something for your nieces and nephews? Fine. Hey, this year guys, I'm paying, I'm focused wholly on starting this new career and getting myself out of $60,000 in debt. Every extra penny I have will be going towards that.

So I want everyone to know I'm not buying a bunch of presents this year. I'm not. And when you do that, I want you to just take your hand and put it on your chest. I want you to feel that guilt because it's going to be heavy. Feel it. Breathe through it until your body lets it run. Go for a walk and ask yourself while you're walking because I know that you're brilliant. Is this guilt right? Is it my job to make sure the adults in my life have a Christmas? No, it's not.

Have I worked really hard and I'm blessed to make a good salary? Yeah. And right now that salary goes to paying off the investment, the debts I took out on myself. Not making sure other people have momentary glips of hooray. And by the way, their 401k investment in you is twofold. Number one, it's financial. You owe us. No, you freaking don't. Number two, it's also cultural. They are going to walk around with their chest puffed out. Look what we did for our baby. They didn't do anything. You did. In fact, you've been propping them up for a long, long time. A long time. They say that poverty is a mindset. It's not a financial number. And this is one of the ways it traps you. Because here's what's going to happen. If you don't make a clean break now, what you're going

to end up doing is co-signing on a car loan because one of their cars is going to bust, or you're going to co-sign on a loan to fix the air conditioner or the heater because it's going to break. You're still going to be $60,000 in the hole, and then you're going to need to come up with the money for the first and last months, whatever, and that's going to put you a little bit deeper, and you're going to end up with a job paying $100,000, and you're going to owe $125,000 instantly. And you will then self-perpetuate this same crisis. The difference is you're going to do what I did, which was I was never in poverty, but we did not have a lot growing up. We had very, very little.

In fact, it's a shock to our friends and neighbors how little we had. But when I went and got my fancy degree, I spent like crazy and I ended up digging a bigger hole than my family could have ever, my parents could have ever dug because they didn't have the access to that kind of money. But the more salary you make sometimes and the higher your degree stature, the more the banks will just willy-nilly loan you. And I ended up in a bigger hole. So why did I tell you all that? Break free. Choose freedom. And I'm glad you've got some

friends. I want you to reach out to them. I also want you to reach out to the college counseling center and say, hey, I'm getting ready to make some pretty significant changes in my life. I want to practice some of this. Will you all walk alongside me. You don't need to go to a counseling center because you're deficient or broken or have some sort of disorder. I want you to go use the counseling resources at the school that you pay for, by the way. They're baked into your tuition and fees. I want you to go and practice some of these conversations. Practice telling

your mom and dad, hey, no more money this Christmas. January, I'm out. December 15th, I'm moving out. I love you guys, but it's time for me to do it on my own. And by the way, you're not doing it on your own. You're inviting friends. You're going to bring that community super close. Weekly dinners, weekly laundry parties, weekly whatever, study parties, your place, your place, your place. This is building something completely new. I'm proud of you, Haley.

And don't discount the hurt. This will hurt along the way. And I think that hurt is right. You're making a whole new family tree. I'm proud of you. We'll be right back. All right, let's go out to Ypsilanti, Michigan and talk to Chase. What's up, Chase? Not much. Just living the dream. How about yourself?

Do you all dream in Ypsilanti? Yes, sir. Excellent. We all dream in Ypsilanti. What's up, dude? Well, first off, just a big thank you. I appreciate all that you and your team do. You guys are a big blessing to so many people, and it's a privilege to be on the show. I appreciate it.

I do most of the work. The team kind of just, that's not true. They all look at me like, oh, really? We can turn this off right now. You win as a team, right? It's 90. Well, I lose by myself. Yeah, we all win as a team. It's about 98% them, 2% me for sure. So what's team, right? It's 90. Well, I lose by myself. Yeah, we all win as a team.

It's about 98% them, 2% me for sure. So what's up, dude? So the question I want to bring to you is, so how can I rebuild healthy habits and routines that I've fumbled since COVID started and have lacked the motivation to return to? Tell me about it. As a bit of backstory,

so in 2019, I started grad school and when COVID lockdown happened, obviously I was in the middle of my second semester. Oh, geez. And with that, yeah, with everything moving online, like I lost the intentionality I had with like healthy eating and with exercise and it resulted in me gaining 60 pounds

and I've still kind of had a tough time, uh, returning to, to those, some of those healthy habits, like, um, and even with even my career being, uh, online, I, I wake up five minutes before my day at work starts. I'm still like, it's, uh, it's, I'm still kind of on this, this rebuilding. But like, and as another thing on top of that, my wife and I had a baby who's five months old now. And she's alive in my life, couldn't be happier. But also, you know, with a baby, that also makes it a little bit more difficult

to feel like I can break away and do things like exercise. And it's really important to me that I want to be a good example of healthy decisions and healthy habits to my baby and to all the others that we have. And so like, I, it's, it's important to me to want to rebuild some of those habits that I lost because I I've been struggling with the motivation to get back on the back, uh, get back on the horse. Awesome, man. Well, I, man, dude, thanks for the call. And I'm proud of you for catching this, right? And you're doing what most people don't do is like the smoke is kind of

clearing. This is your new life. You work from home. Um, the last few years have been chaotic. You've been married, you have a kid. So one of these years was your wife being pregnant and you're dreaming and then you working and all that. So, um, but I, I'm proud of you dude for going up to the top of the hill and looking over the clouds and the smoke and going, okay, I get to decide what happens next. Okay. Thank you. Um, that's tough. And I know it's like, Oh dude, bro. And then David Goggins is like, who's going to carry the boats. And you're like, I do that. What, what? Like, so I'm proud of you. Right.

Um, I want to talk through a few things and kind of dig in a little bit. Is that okay? For sure. I'll give you some tactical things. Thing number one. Hard question. Why don't you like Chase? That is a hard question. But you know the answer. Why don't you like chase that is a hard question but but you know the answer why don't you like chase

i think that it's like i i hold on i've struggled you don't like chase why you're good at not answering that question because you're very, very kind and you're very smart. Why don't you like Chase? I don't like that Chase is overweight and that he's not doing enough to correct that issue. Okay. What's beneath that? I would say like some shame, I guess, that I can't seem to keep a regular exercise routine, that I can't, you know, put my foot down when it comes to the things that I eat. And to kind of take the reins on those decisions, that's something that I struggle with. And I think that builds some shame. Yeah. But what about the shame beneath that?

Here's the signal you gave me, that there's something else. I think those builds some shame. Yeah. But what about the shame beneath that? Here's the signal you gave me, that there's something else. I think those things are important. I've experienced both of those myself. And I think those are signals. Those are lights on the dashboard of a more challenging issue. You are sleeping your life away.

You're distracting. You're avoiding your life away. You're distracting. You're avoiding your own life. Why are you building a life? Why have you inadvertently, unintentionally built a life where Chase can avoid Chase? You sleep right up until the moment that you got to work. You work from home all the way up until you get done with that. You love that little baby until she has to go back to mom because five-month-old babies don't really give a crap about their dad except they kind of do nervous system-wise but not in reality. And then you either have a beer or you sit on the – and you and your wife eat together, and that's your romantic time.

So, of course, your body brings you back. That's the only connection point you have with your wife anymore is meals. And then you either watch a TV show or you just go to bed. Fair? That's fair. So you've built a life, and this isn't on purpose. Your body, in an effort to protect you, has built a life where you don't have to deal with chase. That's why underneath the weight gain, underneath the lack of weight gain underneath the lack of motivation underneath the lack of discipline there's this ticker tape running under the story of your life under the movie of your life that says chase kind of sucks what is that i'm not sure like i feel like

i feel like it could be like the maybe the the hopes and dreams that i have for myself in terms of personal development that i'm not attaining i don't know like um because like we're relatively new to this area we're nowhere near family and um and so like it's tough to build friends and with and since i'm not hanging out with a lot of people and my wife works sometimes and stuff. And so I'm like, I feel stuck at home. And it's a different word for that. What's a, a word that men don't say out loud. I'll say it. Sounds like you're lonely, man. Are you, are you doing well financially? Is this, was this a good move for you?

Yeah. I mean, we're, we're very blessed financially. We just became debt-free last month. So financially, we're doing great. Was there a sense that when I made X dollars and I got job Y that I would feel a certain way? And it's dawning on you after grad school, after you're starting this work from home job that you went with you? I think that like the, the discrepancy in like the mental picture is, is socially and tying back to that loneliness you mentioned, I guess, because like working from home, you know, you don't build many in-person relationships. You don't have like a built-in

kind of friend network network like at work. And then I get home and, you know, I'm with the two people in my life who I love the most, but also like I just, I don't have anybody else to like just pick up and say, hey, let's go do X activity together or something like that. Like, and so I can see where that loneliness ties into that too. Cool. All right, so here's what we're going to do. We are going to stop waiting on motivation.

Here's the weird lie about motivation that, well, I'll just reverse engineer it. You do a bunch of stuff over a period of time that you don't like doing. And then you see some results from it. And then you begin to feel a different way. You begin to feel good. And then your body says, let's do more of that. And so strangely, we often wait for motivation to do a thing. We wait for motivation to change our sex life. We wait for motivation to be nicer to our wife or to be a better wife to our husband. Like I'm going to, you know, when he starts doing this, then I'm going to start doing,

instead of just hammering it, making it a discipline issue versus a motivation, motivation issue. The motivation comes. It always does, but it wanes. It goes up and it goes down. So I've had to learn the hard way. Motivation gets zero votes in my life. None. Zero. I love it when it shows up because it makes what I'm trying to do easier, whether I'm writing or whether I'm trying to be a better husband or I'm plugging in with my kids or trying to take care of my health. But most of the time it doesn't show up. Most of the time it's just annoying, right? So it gets literally zero votes in my life. The second thing is you probably heard me say this on the show a lot

from a personal conversation I had with Sal DiStefano from Mind Pump. You cannot shame or hate your body into better shape. He told me this privately, and it was so profound for me after second phd i had all this psychology all this whatever and i'd sat with a number of hurting people and no one had ever communicated this in the way that he did he said if you go to the gym or try to not eat a piece of cake one time because you think i'm fat and gross and I don't want to be fat and gross. You will always run out of steam because you can't shame or hate your way into anything productive period. He said, if you flip it around and wake up every day and practice saying,

I love myself enough to be a good husband and a good dad. And I love myself enough that I get one hour. I'm so lucky that I get to get up today, that I was on the wake up roll cosmically. I'm so lucky that that little girl gets to got me as a dad. I get an hour. I get to invest an hour in me because I'm worth that. And he said, if you flip that around and you make it a stewardship issue versus a not being so disgusting issue, dude, you could go forever. Okay. If you invest money, if you save money, and you hate every second of saving,

you're not going to save very long. If you save money with the intent of your grandkids smiling through their tears after your funeral, when they see the inheritance, that's a whole other ball game, right? Yeah. Just a different way to look at it. Here's the third thing. You are going to have to do the opposite of what most people do. The greatest gift you can give your daughter right now is not 24, 7, 365 access to her dad. The greatest gift you can give your daughter is you to go make some friends. The greatest gift you can give your daughter is to go to the gym. And normally I tell people to get a gym at their house. I think you need the opposite. I think you need to go somewhere and probably start going to a couple of classes.

Okay. And I'm not even into classes. I think this is just an easy way for you to be accountable for a season. And you're going to show up and you're going to start seeing some of the same faces. And I want you to go be weird. Because part of you,

or a big part of you is going to want to hide. I'm 60 pounds overweight. I'm an embarrassment. I jiggle when I jump. I don't look right. You see what I'm saying? But you're not going to do that. You're going to go, hey, what's up, man?

My name's Chase. And they're going to go, awesome. Good to see you. Dude, you are kicking butt in here. You are too, man. Sweet. And you're just going to go be weird. I wish there was another way to do it, dude.

There's just not. But you've got to make decisions to be away from your home instead of always there. Okay. Does that make sense? Yes, sir. And I hate that for you. And if you don't want to take classes and just go live for weights,

that's fine. Another thing you can do is just put your daughter in a stroller and take her for walks around the neighborhood during breaks at work do you ever do that yeah and especially on days where my wife works she's a nurse and she works like from afternoon to late at night and so i'll usually take her on walks uh usually the days that she works and then i kind of i i kind of lose that when she's at home because we're all together and things get distracting. But yeah, I'm intentional about walks when my wife at work. Let's change that language.

You allow things to get distracting. But when your wife gets home, y'all can all three go for a walk. And I know it because I did it. Even when I was exhausted. Me and my wife and my son. Me and my wife and my son. Me and my wife and my daughter. That's not the same as a weightlifting season, but it's something. And it kind of brings you and your wife

back together instead of just in front of the TV. Most couples spend most of their together time in front of a television set. Right? And that's not real intimacy it's just proximal um here's what i'm gonna do i'm gonna hook you up a couple things um number one um i'm gonna hook you up with the um weight loss app that i use my friend dr lane norton it's the best one

in the business it's called carbon it's what I use every single day of my life. Okay. Andy Huberman uses it. It's what people use. It's incredible. And I'm going to give it to you for a year. Okay. Hang on the line here and we're going to get you set up. The other thing I'm going to give you is my friends at Mind Pump will give you any of their workouts that you would like. Any of them. Again, they're workouts that i use i give to my personal friends okay and you can go through it and pick it and i think it would be excellent excellent excellent the third thing is i want you do you have instagram no sir okay i can't believe i'm recommending this but i want you actually don't do it don't this, but I want you... Actually, don't do it. Don't do it. But I want you to go on YouTube,

and I want you to follow my friend Jordan Syatt. S-Y-A-T-T. He makes funny videos, and he does swear a lot, so you're going to have to just shake that off. Probably don't watch it in front of your kid. But he is, A, a great human being, B, one of the most knowledgeable guys in the industry, and he has made some videos, dude.

And I just have the privilege to rub shoulders with some of the smartest guys in the industry who I have their personal cylinder. I call them and they walk me through things. And he has made some videos that is just like a light bulb for me. Okay? And so I want you to follow him.

Jordan, S-Y-A-T-T. Those three, that gang, the Mind Pump guys, Dr. Norton, and Jordan Syatt, will give you the tools both on a daily basis with Jordan's videos, the actual tools for Dr. Norton's Carbon app, and the Mind Pump guys. And listen, I have no financial affiliation with these dudes. I don't get one penny from anything. I'm just telling you this is what i use in my house as a guy who struggled with my weight struggle with shame struggled with um even knowing if i'm hungry or not but my body just eats when i get stressed

to seeing a baby a little baby that i love more than life itself, but I don't know what I'm doing. And I get scared, right? That shame. My wife seems to just know how to do all this stuff and I don't know how to do any of it. And so I just hide, except you don't have an office to go to. You have another room, which makes it weird, right? Right. Well, and thank you. That's all very generous. I appreciate that. Well, here's the deal. Um, I want you, the only thing I ask in return is in 30 days, I want you to have actually used this stuff, and in 30 days I want you to write me back and let me know where you are. Okay. And the scale is just a part of that.

The scale is just going to be reflective of, it's the dashboard for Chase has decided he's worth living a better life. He's worth feeling really good. He's worth sleeping really good. He's worth not a better life. He's worth feeling really good. He's worth sleeping really good. He's worth not snoring anymore. He's worth modeling in front of his kids. And by the way, if you don't want to go, if you'd rather work out at home

and model that for your kid, awesome. I personally think the five months to a year, I think you're good going for six months to a gym, meeting new people, seeing how things go. Even if you find a trustworthy personal trainer, that's going to show up that you're gonna have to pay for. I think that's worth it. If it's one of, if it's a personal trainer clown and the mind pump guys have some good things you can Google about what's a good trainer or not. There's clowns out there, but there's clowns every in every industry. Also some really amazing folks, but give yourself the accountability, but there's clowns in every industry. Also some really amazing folks.

But give yourself the accountability, but go out and make community. Invite people from your local church. Invite people from the gym. You have your wife. Invite some of her nursing friends and their husbands over. Go be intentionally weird. This is me telling you to stop smoking, except I'm going to tell you stop doing loneliness. Stop being alone.

And I wish there was an easy path forward. There's just not. It's hard and you got to go be weird. But meta lesson, people listening to this, don't wait for motivation. It will not show up. It won't show up. Or it might, like a bolt of lightning, and then it goes away. Lean on discipline. Lean on a choice that I'm going to tell myself the truth because I am trustworthy. And I'm going to get up every day and make a choice to move my body. I'm going to get up every day and make a choice to plug in with my wife and say, how can I love you today? I'm going to wake up every day and hold that baby's face and just look directly into its eyes. I'm going to wake up every day and decide I'm going to eat right. Make those choices.

Don't wait on motivation. You got this, Chase. Thanks for your call. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes, and if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being

honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself,

where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com

slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Karina in Columbus, Ohio. What's up, Karina? Hello. Hello. What's up? Thank you for talking to me. I really appreciate it.

Of course. Thanks for calling. What's up? I have lost a lot of weight this year. How much? About 65 pounds. Whoa! Well, I still have a fair amount to lose, but I'm happy.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, we're not blown by that. Yeah, so. Dude, that's my daughter. Yeah. And I carry my daughter around through New York City a few weeks ago and she got very, very heavy. Yeah. You've lost my child. Dude, congratulations. That's amazing. How have you done it? I am taking shots. Okay. And I've started to move a little bit more.

Good for you. I'm proud of you. What's your goal? How far do you want to go? I really need to lose at least 100 pounds. Okay. 100 pounds total or 100 more? Just 100 total. Okay. And really, according to the charts, it should be 150. But if I can get 100 off, it's life-changing, really, for me. I'm telling you, 65 is life-changing.

You've got 35 to go. You'll be there in no time. Congratulations. I'm telling you, 65 is life-changing. You got 35 to go. You'll be there in no time. Congratulations. I'm so proud of you. When you add movement to this, obviously with your doctor, when you add movement to this, oh, it's going to excel. Dude, I'm so proud of you. It's awesome. All right. So what's up? Well, I'm concerned because I can't see it. Okay. I've, um, and I'm worried if I can't figure out how to see the weight loss, that I'm going to gain the weight back. Because that's my biggest fear is that I gain the weight back. Okay.

So when you say you can't see it, is it objective or is it body dysmorphic? I'm not sure. Yeah, I said that as dorky as I could have. So objective, like when you see people you haven't seen in a few weeks, or you see your doctor, are they just like, oh, my gosh, and you're just like, y'all are crazy? Or did you have so much to lose that 65 pounds is not even halfway to the lot? You see what I'm saying?

Like, you have a long, long way to go. It really took 40 pounds or so for people to start to see it. And I get the 50-pound mark. Now people are saying, you know, they're noticing. Okay. But I've, once I started looking at this, I've noticed, like, I have, I don't look at myself in the mirror. I look to make sure I'm clean or I don't have wrinkles, but I have no full body mirrors in my house. I don't look at me because I don't like how I look, I guess.

There you go. And, like, if I go try clothes on the other day, I need new clothes. I had everything from an XL to a 4X because I couldn't look at the clothes and see that fits my body. What did you end up at? Did you end up with downsizes? Yeah. Of course you did because you lost 65 pounds. You lost my child, right?

But I hold up a 4X and I'm like, well, maybe that fits. Well, yeah. I'm just really, really afraid I'll gain the weight back because I'm taking the shots, which help. Sure. But it's hard work. Yeah, it is. All right, so here's what I think. Here's what I think.

Tell me if I'm crazy. Can we just speak like just direct friend to friend, brother to sister? All right. Yes. I think you can see it. I think you thought it would feel differently hmm I think you thought losing 65 pounds well on your way to a hundred which is unbelievable it's amazing and if your doctor has said, hey, 150 would be great.

My 13-year-old son is humongous. He's 140. I could carry him on my back not very far. So the thought of losing the entirety of my 13-year-old, my eighth-grade son, who by all metrics is humongous, that's amazing. And it is removing a barrier between you and the world and in some way that barrier kept you safe or kept you hidden or kept you some space between you and the world and there's this there's a lie that says when we lose that

we're suddenly going to, if we get a million dollars, suddenly we're going to, if I get that car, suddenly we're going to, if I lose this weight, suddenly I'm going to. And you go to the mirror and you look just at your face because you don't have a full body mirror and you thought it would feel different. What do you think? Well, I do agree. I feel invisible a lot of the time because of my weight. You know, you want to be invisible. That's right. And there's a certain level of comfort in that. Of course. Yeah. And that comfort kills you, right?

Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, I guess I thought I would be happier. That's it right there. You know, I thought, I mean, I think I guess happier maybe. Why, why, what happened to Karina? The Karina thinks she's just a piece of crap. I think, you know, everything goes back to when you're young. You know, I had, I came from a fairly religious family and I ended up getting pregnant at 15 and I had my son. Okay. And I did not get married and I did not give him away and I did not have an abortion. Did that cost you everything?

Pretty much. Yeah. Most of my family disowned me. Yeah. And so, you know, you figured out at 15 that love was for the people who are closest to you, love for your tribe, love for your family was contingent. Yeah. And I figured out I was not going to be loved. And that's pretty much carried through my entire adult life. Well, once you, once you, in your 15-old mind thought that, and you had some pretty compelling evidence, you went looking for that everywhere, right? Every single place you could find proof that you weren't worth being loved, you went and found it.

This is true. And we don't trust 15-year-olds to drive. Right. Because they're crazy. They're not allowed to buy beer or guns or go to the mill.olds to drive because they're crazy. They're not allowed to buy beer or guns or go to the mill because they're 15. And your 15-year-old also got a really clear glimpse of some harsh reality. You are only lovable if you do the right thing. Otherwise, love's off.

Right. And that wasn't theory for you that was real and it made me very angry for a very long time you should be but um you should be you know the number of parents i've sat with when their kid gets pregnant in colleges and they come to me and they say what do i do what do i say and i ask them you remember when you found out you were pregnant and you had a baby coming and you remember holding that baby the first time and they always smile and i say don't take that from that kid 15 is really young that's hard 15 is hard 18 19 20

it's a little bit different but 15 is tough yeah but i've had parents call me and say hey we went with this isn't the picture we had for you but we're about to have a baby and so they circle the wagon even tighter the wagon of love they circle that connection even tighter and you didn't have that at 15. You were all by yourself. It was not an easy time. No. How old are you now?

57. For 42 years, you've been carrying this around. Yeah. When are you going to let Karina, that 15-year to let Karina that 15 year old Karina finally drop her shoulders and go be 15

because she's still fighting for you she's still hating for you she's still angry for you she still doesn't look beautiful to you she still remembers all the comments when are you going to let her go? I don't know. Cause my, I've tried to work on my internal messaging to myself and it's still fairly negative. Yeah. And I'm, I don't know how to fix that per se.

Here's what we're going to do. We are going to learn to be objective about feelings. And this is a crappy, awful, hard thing to do. Okay. But I promise you, and I promise because I've experienced it myself personally, you can change this. Okay. A, unless your doctor says I'm wrong, right? Your doctor would know like pathologies. Your doctor would know some mental health challenges. Your doctor would know this kind of stuff more than me. But I would recommend you getting a mirror. One of those $10 mirrors that's full length. Because here's what you're doing.

You're avoiding you every day. And I want you to head directly into that discomfort because karina's worth being loved does karina have a lot of weight to lose and some health challenges you're dang right she does and i'm not one of these like body positivity like you're that's not true and karina's worth being loved and karina's worth taking care of herself right and clearly you know this because you've made incredible inspirational progress and change but you can't tell me I don't see it and at the same time avoid every mirror that you come across there's going to be some recalibration you pick up a 4x and you're like oh I think this is it and then suddenly you end up in a 4X and you're like, oh, I think this is it. And then suddenly you end up in a 1X and you're like, whoa, that's normal. That's like me getting in my old farm truck and

then getting in like a newer car. Like I, you know, hit the gas too fast and I hit the brake too hard. Like I got to adjust to this new thing, right? This new vehicle I'm in. That's okay. That's part of it. But I want you to get a journal and I want you to keep every time you think the words, I'm gross, or I'm not making any progress, or I'm not happy. I want you to write those things down and I want you to demand evidence from them because objectively what you're telling me, they're not true. Or if you're not happy, ask yourself, what could I do right now to increase some of the joy in my life? Go for a walk, go watch a sunset, call my kid, go hang out, call my girlfriends, go hang out. What would that be? I'll ask you, Karina,

what brings you joy? Really, I mean, just that, you know, I talk to my son. I talk to my friends. I'm very fortunate I have friendships that are 30, 40 years. Amazing. Do they know, do they truly know that Karina just is grossed out by Karina? They don't know that. Okay, it's time to bring them in. I have one friend.

No, it's time to bring them in No it's time to bring him in Bring him in And I want you to tell them this Y'all know I've lost a bunch of weight And I've got another 100 pounds to go I'm going for another 90 pounds to go But that's secondary to I've got to reckon with

And begin to Become friends with Karina again And I'm going to stop living a life where I avoid myself. Will you guys walk alongside me as I change my internal dialogue to myself? And I guarantee you they will. God, I would be in honor if one of my friends asked me to do that. They absolutely would. I'm very blessed with some amazing friends.

That is a in a strange way, I'm asking you to get a full-length mirror and look at yourself and put your hand on your chest when you start to feel that or that whatever. I've lost 65 pounds. I'm going to have

five more down in the next two weeks. I'm going to continue, whatever pace you're on. I want you to feel that objective. This isn't working. I'm not doing anything. Is that true? No. Objectively, it's false.

It's not true. And similarly, I want you to, telling your friends over a regular cup of coffee, like, hey, we're going to get together once a week. And if they're not in the same community, we're going to do a Zoom call once a week. I want you to hold up a mirror relationally, emotionally. Hey, guys, I lost another three pounds this week,

and I feel disgusting. I want you to say those words out loud to the people who love you and your friends. Because you might not trust Karina, but you trust them, do you? so for a season we're going to start outsourcing some of the truth because we can't see it that's okay we're recalibrating the whole system kind of like when i get my car and i change the tires on it and i put some tough guy tires for hunting it felt like my car was falling apart and one of my buddies was like no this is how this goes

i had to outsource that i didn't know i just felt like the whole car was falling apart and one of my buddies was like, no, this is how this goes. I had to outsource that. I didn't know. I just felt like the whole car was falling apart because these tires were big and stiff and he was like, no, no, this is exactly where it's supposed to be. It's great. We're going to outsource that for a bit.

Do you believe me when I tell you I'm so freaking proud of you? Yes. Okay. Are you? Can you just drop your shoulders and say 65 pounds is pretty amazing you know i i was doing pretty i was pretty happy with it and then i had a conversation actually with my boss and she had some very strong opinions about people doing what i'm doing but it's just lazy and i I... Hold on, hold on, hold on, dude.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah. All right, so here's a cool thing that just happened. Your boss opted out. Yeah. Your boss doesn't get a vote. And remember, that 15-year-old girl who was looking for proof

that she wasn't lovable, and you've been looking for 42 years you in your head have this tiny little narrative that's like you shouldn't need to go to the doctor you shouldn't need medicine you shouldn't need shots you should just be able to control this yeah okay and your body is looking desperately for somebody to validate that you're a loser. And you found one. And I want you to write that down. Because that's objectively false.

It's not true. Karina, I've got two PhDs. I do this for a living, sitting with hurting people. And I had to reach out and get professional help okay yeah I don't have one ounce of shame

you know why? because I couldn't do it by myself period I couldn't do it by myself cool so you know what your boss did? she opted out I couldn't do it by myself. Cool. So you know what your boss did? She opted out. Oh, you think I'm lazy?

Cool. I'll never, ever have this conversation with you again. I want you to write it down. I am lazy for going to the doctor to get support and help for my obesity challenges. Is that true, objectively? No, it's not. It's not. It's not true.

Look around. If we could all just snap our fingers and just diet and exercise, we wouldn't have the crisis we have. It's a big deal. I'm so proud of you for doing what you need to do. And you know, there's going to be stages. There's going to be a season, as you mentioned, like now I'm just slowly getting into movement. Great. My guess is you're going to accelerate things in a profound way and you're going to begin to feel differently. Because right now, a lot of this has just been

thoughts and thoughts and thoughts and thoughts and thoughts and changing eating habits and shots. And now you're going to move into more body transformation. Great. Amazing. Slow and steady. There is a point, Karina, when you have to stop thinking, getting all the thoughts in the right order. You have to start doing. You've done step one. You've started working on step two, and now you're inching into step three just keep taking steps inch by inch by inch and i want you to let that 15 year old girl go what happened to her was wrong she was absolutely left on her own in a blizzard with a baby and that was wrong and that's not everybody not everybody leaves a a 15-year-old in the cold, holding a baby. In fact, most don't.

So I want you to stop looking for somebody to tell you what you're doing is wrong, somebody to tell you that you're not enough, and instead, I want you to get with your friends who love you and to begin looking for people who see you for who you are, see how hard you're working, and who will

cheer you on. We're done validating the bullcrap stories that were not enough. We're now validating the stories that say, wow, look how hard you're working. Keep going, Corrine. I'm so proud of you. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make

to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as you wrap up today's show, this is the song that Kelly had in her Walkman during prom on repeat in the corner.

It's by Eric Carman. Song's called All By Myself. It goes like this. When I was young, I never needed anyone, and making love was just for fun. Was it? Was it? Those days are gone. Living alone, I think of all the friends I've known,

but when I dial the telephone, nobody's home. Kelly in the corner, right next to the disco ball. Big poofy dress on her shoulders. All by myself. Not really. She was in the middle, dancing to New Kids on the Block, just letting that freak flag fly, baby. If there was a video recording of Kelly at prom,

I promise you, we would show it. Love you guys. Bye.