The Dr. John Delony Show - My Fiancé Cheated but I Still Want to Marry Him

Episode Date: March 2, 2026

🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage. Download the Together app.   On today’s episode, we hear about: A bride-to-be wondering if she should break off her engagement after an affair A woman whose family is holding her back A wife wondering if she should let her lying brother-in-law back in their lives   Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy, and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get an exclusive offer with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.     Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Two or three months into our engagement, I had discovered. He had been talking with multiple people from different dating apps. I think we should continue with the wedding because there's a lot of money invested. If I'm honest with you, like the event is way down my list of worries right now. What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloody's show. If you're new, I'm so grateful that you're with us. If you've been with us since episode one, hey, God help you. but man, I'm grateful everybody's here.

We're talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your kids, whatever you got going on for more than 20 years. I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move for them in their life. And so if you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And please take two seconds and hit the subscribe button and the follow button, all that stuff. It just tells the internet overlords that you're a fan of the show. And it kicks it up in the algorithm. And that helps everybody.

All right, let's go out to Little Rock, Arkansas, and talk to Ann. Hey, Ann, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing all right. How about you? I'm doing great. Glad to talk to you. I'm happy to talk to you. What's up? So my question for you is if my fiancé and I should proceed with our planned wedding or not due to some infidelity discovered right before our engagement. Wow. Tell me more. Tell me more.

Yeah. So we got engaged last summer and then about two or three months into our engagement, I had discovered on household iPad that before our engagement, he had been talking with multiple people from different dating apps. And I was able to see all the messages were still there. I think he had forgotten about them. Yeah, so I confronted him with it, but this was months old to him at this point. So he had sort of kind of forgotten about it, moved on, and it was fresh to me. So it's caused some fights and tension in the home since then, and he wants to potentially postpone the wedding.

He thinks it's a good idea to postpone it while I finish healing or while I heal. So I think we should continue with the wedding Because there's a lot of money invested I mean we have everything planned You know And yeah so I'm just Wanted to ask you Sort of for some wisdom

And you know should we postpone Should we keep chugging along If I'm honest with you Like the event Is way down my list of worries right now Yeah Um I can't tell if you're in a season of denial or if he's just a great gaslighter or if at the end of the day like this this sucks but it's not that it's fine.

It doesn't matter. We're going to move on with this thing. I'm forgiving him. We're moving on. I can't tell where you are, but your response is, it's just neutral and I don't have a way to pin it down. So take away the money. I know you've got deposit. you've got all that stuff, you've got the invitations, you've got the embarrassment, all that stuff.

Take that away for a second. Do you want to marry this guy? I still do. Okay. Let me get beneath that question. Is he a person that you can safely anchor into until death do you part? I felt like he was before I discovered this. Okay, but we're past that now. Yeah.

I think he still is. I think the other qualities of him, I feel like they outweigh this terrible thing that happened. Are you confident that this is all there is? I'm as confident as I can be. I mean, I only was able to, I saw everything that there was. I haven't seen anything since. And he assures me there's not been anything since. So I just have to, I either have to keep, you know, being fearful every day or I have to just trust him.

Okay. There's a third option there. Mm-hmm. Okay. It's not, well, I just got to be worried for the rest of my life, or I just got to jump back in the middle of this boiling pot and I hope I don't get burned. The third option is, and this is the hardest one, but this is the path to healing after infidelity. Mm-hmm. After somebody cheats on you and breaks your heart.

it is you doing the hard work to think what must be true for me to truly trust him again and then you give him a very clear roadmap for him to follow and he walks that path and that path might be I don't want you to have a phone for six months

or I want us to share whatever or I want to check your messages or I want you to delete social media you can be as crazy and out there you want because you're the one that got cheated on. And then he gets to be a grownup and say, I'm out, dude. I'm not doing that. Or you're worth the rest of my life.

I'll do it ever it takes. But you're kind of just, it's either this or it's either this. And what you're avoiding is the hard work of truly learning to trust each other again. So was he an idiot who was on dating sites with a long-term girlfriend, just nervous, and getting cold feet and just trying to see what else is like peeking over the fence to see what the other grass look like on the other field or is he a serial cheater? See somebody that I just can't, I can't trust he didn't come clean. I had to find this stuff.

He just forgot about it. Like, you get what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. Yeah. The way he says it and the way I take it is he just needed some release. I think there was tension between us from their long distance, and he just, he just wanted a release. I don't think he was actually looking for anything or anyone else. He just wanted that attention, and I wasn't physically nearby to give that.

Yeah, that's not an excuse. It's a context. But I want to know what work he's going to do, he's been doing and what work he's going to do, because y'all will be a part again in your marriage. Right? be in separate towns. One of you or both of you will be on work trips. And the day in and day out of just being married, you can share a bed with somebody and be a thousand miles away from them. Right? There will be separation. There will be seasons of distance between the two of you

emotionally and physically. I want to know what he needs to do for his quote unquote release. Right. And is it a thing that's going to honor our commitment to each other and a strength? strengthen this this concrete that we've anchored into or is he going to be like no dude you were gone so I just had to and then go do something else right now it's strange normally it would be flipped he wants to like go to the wedding and you're like I don't know why is he want to pause this wedding um I believe he has um in his mind he's he's done the work and he's you know deleted everything and he's given me access to his phone and he's, you know, open and honest about things. And he feels that he's, like, moved on from this. I think he's sort of repented and, and, uh, healed from it.

And he knows that he doesn't want to do that again and, uh, go through this again, of course. Yeah, but he's not the victim here. Right. So he, um, he, yeah, yeah. That's like the knife saying, like, oh, I didn't mean to cut that big hole in you. I've wiped the blood off. I'm good. I'm not going to cut you anymore. And you're like, cool, I still have a huge hole on a bleeding. Right. And it's been a few, it's been several months since I found this out. So I really had hoped that I could be somebody who was strong and could forgive him and, you know, not forget, but move on. and I think he's seeing that I'm still bringing it up even months later, and I've not healed from it. So he's saying, well, maybe we should just hold off on it

while you learn to trust me again. And he thinks I'm doing everything that I can do, and you're not trusting me still. And so I don't think we should, you know, jump into a marriage if you feel like you'll never be able to trust me again. So what do you, let me put it this way. your feelings that you're searching for that you're going to wake up

up and be like, oh yeah, I can totally trust him again. Yeah. Those aren't going to come without a clear path. Yeah. And if you're waiting for feelings

to be your barometer, man, feelings are really important data. They let us know when our body detects we're not safe. And people who are like, you forget your feelings. That's dumb.

feelings are important and it's also dumb unwise to let your feelings be the leash that dragged you around the world because our feelings job is not to tell us the truth it's just to get our attention yeah yeah and so if if several months later you're just waiting to wake up one day and be like ah healed that's not how that's going to work if you keep bringing it up and hitting him and You've taken his screw up and you put it in your back pocket as an ace of spades that you're going to play anytime you're getting beaten a card game. That's cruel. Yeah. It's you deciding I want to get to the bottom of what are the things about him I don't trust.

Most of the time, I don't want to put you in this box. I'm just going to say generally speaking, either A, there's something in your soul that says there's, I don't know the full story here. or B, there's other places with money, with time, with, where were you last night? Oh, I was with, there's other places where he's not trustworthy. And your body is like, man, I'm telling you, telling you, Ann, something's not right here, right? Yeah. Or the third one is, you've been cheated on before, your body's run this script before, and you get what I'm saying? Right.

And the pressure of, we already have the flowers purchased and we've got the church rent. is weighing on what your body's trying to do and get your attention. Here's a way to flip this whole thing over. When we get off the phone, I want you to ask yourself, what if my body's right? What if this keeps coming back up?

I keep, have this sense in my spirit that something's not right. What if my body's right? And I'm going to look with clear eyes, do I trust him to be the guy that's going to show up for me and my kids? what things is he doing to deal with the quote unquote release, which whatever. And am I giving him a very clear roadmap on what it will look like to reestablish trust?

Or am I just walking around the house, my head down, hoping I'm going to feel my way into the next right decision. And you're just, you're not. If he is telling you, I care about you enough that you're not settled in your, in the middle of your heart, I'll postpone this wedding. I'll take the embarrassment and the shame. I did this. I don't want to put you in any more uncomfortable situations in any more uncomfortable situations.

If he's doing that, good on him. But you should have to make a choice on what you want to do next. And it's just going to take you deciding I'm going to make a clear path here. And I'm going to be honest about why my body's fighting this thing so hard. Sorry this happened.

I just can't wrap my head around the pain of I've heard it countless times. Can't count. The iPad in the living room, the phone, the connecting to the car. I just can't imagine that pain is finding out like, oh, the person I'm with is not the person I thought they were. What a heavy weight. We've got to figure out waiting through feelings and emotions and what's the next right move. Are we thinking about you, Ann?

I can't make a call. You go through your wedding or you cancel it if you want, but do it with clear eyes. Not because I got a deposit laid down somewhere. We come back, a woman asks how to set boundaries with her parents so she can reclaim her own life. Hey, I want to take a second and talk to you about love, not the Titanic, I'll never let go, kind of nonsense love. I'm talking about a love that moves you to take care of the people closest to you. I'm talking about term life insurance from Xander insurance. If you have anyone depending on you, spouses, kids, or anyone,

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and get term life insurance the right way. That's zander.com. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I have had some amazing mentors and friends who are also amazing women. But one of the common themes I hear from all of the women who have poured into me over the years is that between caring for people and all of the other responsibilities and expectations that the whole world dumps on them, women are under an incredible amount of pressure every minute of every day. and often they're encouraged to overlook their own emotional well-being for the care of others.

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Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. Thank you for calling. What's up? Yeah, so I'll get right into it. So my question is, how do I set and maintain boundaries with my parents so I can go live my life when they're so insistent that it's my duty to take care of them until they're gone? Ooh. Wow. Is there a, is this an arrogance or is this a cultural context?

It's a cultural context. So we are first generation immigrants. Okay. We moved here many decades ago when I was a child. And my parents started a small business. They were working long hours and understandably they were stressed out being in a whole new country. Yeah, what a nightmare, yeah. And they never were able to dedicate like the time and effort to like learn English. Okay. So they've just known the bare minimum to get through their day to day. And it's been the way of life for me to translate every piece of mail, like business documents, take time off school and work to go with them to like doctor's appointments and, you know, like car repairs. to the bank, like all of those things that come up that's like outside of the daily routine. And now that they are aging and, you know, their health is deteriorating and things like that, they've gotten so dependent on me that I'm unable to like make plans for my life. And if anything, they're starting to imply that I really can't plan anything because I need to be here.

to take care of them. All right, can I do something that's mean? Okay. Is that okay? I'm your friend and I'm on your team, but I just want to, I'm going to do something that's going to feel mean for a second, okay? Okay.

I want you to run back the last few sentences you gave me, but I want you to change a couple of words, okay? Okay. I want you to change it from they are making me to I am choosing. Okay. So tell me what you are choosing to do when it comes to getting them to all their appointments and everything? I am choosing to take time off work to take them to various appointments.

And I am choosing to not make plans for the rest of my life so I can stay here and take care of my parents. There we go. That hits different, huh? Yes. Yeah. So the only way I've seen people be successful. in the situation is to really get a clear what I would call an or what statement. Okay.

And what I mean by that is I've talked to people who have said, my parents made choices when it came to their money. They're broke. They're aging. They will never move into my house. Best of luck, hope Medicare, Medicaid works, which your parents may not qualify for. Best of luck to them.

I've heard that. I've also had conversations with people over the years who are super frustrated, super annoyed with the situation their aging parents are in. But they'll also say, I'll move them into my spare bedroom and I'll make my kids share three to a room.

Like, I'm not going to leave my parents on the street. And so getting to that nth finish line to that or what statement, like, or what are you actually going to do? You're going to leave them out? So getting there, it tends to allow you to reverse engineer your actions after that, right? Because here's the thing. The reason they are demanding so much from you is because they can because you show up every time,

which I think is amazing and noble, but it's also exhausting and frustrating. And you're watching your life. Like, are you married? Do you dating anybody? I was married once before I'm dating again gross okay so you like you're like you're like

like it's also really frustrating like you want to make plans you want to do this and then your dad calls and says you need to come over here and read my mail to me right so is there going to come a day when you're never going to go over there anymore or if they don't have a place to live then so be it

because if that day is here if it's coming they need to know that, then you need to draw that firm line in the sand, draw the boundaries, and begin acting into it. Yeah. So recently,

I did try to set some boundaries and, you know, I don't think I went about it the right way because it was somewhat escalated inside an argument. Sure. And essentially what I told him

was like I needed to please make his own decisions and, like, be an adult, you know? Yeah. And he hung up on me and he's giving me the silent treatment since. Okay.

Well, he gets to do that. He's a grown man. Right. You get to decide, are you going to violate your own boundaries? Because you feel guilty, you feel uncomfortable, whatever, and you're going to head back into it. Or are you going to say, if he needs something, he'll call me. And then I get to choose whether I engage in it or not.

Yeah. And that's kind of where I'm at. And it's been a few weeks that we haven't had a conversation. I think he's just, I don't know what he's thinking about it. He just hasn't. You know exactly what he's thinking about it. Yeah, because mom is calling me five times a day, telling me to apologize and just. You know exactly what he's thinking.

Yeah. I mentioned this on a recent episode. My friend, Dr. Becky Kennedy, she's a clinical psychologist in New York. She gave me a new definition of guilt. And she was talking about mom guilt, but I think it plays to dad guilt, and I think it plays to guilt in general

when it comes to relationships. It's a really powerful reframe. Can I tell it to you? Yes. All right, here it is. Is going on a date, planning a date and going on it, and your dad's blowing up your phone

because you want you to read the mail to him. is going on that date and texting your dad back, Dad, I'll read your mail on Fridays when I always come over and read all of your mail to you. Is going on that date, does that make you a bad daughter? According to them. No, no, no, no, according to you. Does that violate your values?

No. No. No. Making plans as an adult and going on a trip. I mean, going on a date. No. Okay. Does it violate your core values?

Does it make you a bad person? in your eyes if you respond to demands for your time at regularly scheduled intervals no okay

so what the way Dr. Kennedy frames it and I love this is guilt is a very important I'll even call it good emotion that happens inside your body when you violate your values you're not doing that here but when your dad cuts you off

because you said, hey, I'm not coming over tonight to whatever bring you ice cream or I'm not driving you tonight at 8 o'clock to change your oil. We can do that on Saturday when I told you I was coming over.

What you're doing is you're taking his anger, his frustration, his temper tantrum. You're taking it from him. You're shoving it into the middle of your chest and you're choosing to feel his feelings and you're calling that guilt. You know what I'm saying?

In fact, I go one step further and say, you feel guilty because you've become somebody that you don't trust because you keep having a bunch of imaginary conversations with them. I'm going to tell them this and this. And A, you'll never tell them. And you're like, I'm going to quit going over there and you keep going over there. So your guilt is actually, you're violating your own values, which is I'm an adult woman. I need, I'm worth having a love life. I'm worth having friends. I'm worth like having my own world.

And that doesn't mean I also am not going to take care of my family. parents. But I get to decide the terms of what taking care of means. It doesn't mean that they have a built-in servant for the rest of my natural life. Does that make sense? Yes. And there are some significant cultural layers here, right? Yes. Like, I want to own, this is a very American way of looking at this problem. Yes. And I think because I've been here since childhood, I identify more with this American way of thinking. Okay. But they're just kind of stuff. in the decade, we moved out of us. You're my daughter, you do whatever I say for as long as I'm alive.

Yes. You're my caretaker forever and ever, amen. And caretaker means you do what I say when I say it. Yes. Okay. So here's the exercise I want you to go through with yourself before you talk to him again, okay? Okay.

Number one, I want you to be clear about an or what statement. What's your line? If it came down to it, would you move them into your two-bedroom apartment into one of the back bedrooms or if it came down to it, they're going to be on their own. Go ahead and solve that now because it will frame what you do next. And either one of those options is going to be hard to think about. Either one of those options is going to cause frustration, annoyance, whatever,

but that's just reality. So let's just put them on the table. The second thing I want you to do is, can you batch this caretaking? What I mean by that is, can you call your parents and say, look, I love you guys, you're my parents, I'm not going to leave you destitute. I will come to your house on Tuesdays and Saturdays. I'll read you. You stack up all the mail.

I'll read you what you want me to read you. I'll respond to your text throughout the day when I can. And if we have errands to run, whatever, Saturday is our errand day or Thursday is our errand day or Sunday is like whatever, right? can you batch this caretaking so that you're not on call 24 7 365 is that possible and then they get to choose

we don't want that kind of caretakering you're a bad daughter you should apologize you're terrible we raised you better than this and they get to say whatever they want and it gets to break your heart and you get to grieve it

but you don't have to violate your own boundaries and run back into it okay you know what I'm saying yes and I'm guessing that it's not going to go well

I have tried this to some extent in the past and no it has not gone well. Okay. The fact that your mom is calling you demanding you apologize to your dad lets me know this isn't just an out of control dad. This is a family system. Yes.

She probably took care of her grandfather and her dad and by God, that's why they had you. Yes. Right. What's your financial situation? Can you hire help? Um, not to that extent now. Okay. Yeah. No, they didn't stay before retirement.

They are okay on housing because it's government funded. So I don't think I'll be in a situation ever where, like, they're going to be homeless. And you have a lot more faith in our government than I do these days. That's pretty true. You know, yeah, so it is kind of tough. Yeah. It's tough when we have to have a really firm reality-centered grown-up conversation and the adults at the table won't have it.

They just stamp their feet and want to pound the table like a toddler and say, this is what's going to happen. And that's very hard to have a grown-up conversation. I hate that for you. Yeah. I think all of the shoulds and have tos and I don't want tos. All that is just getting so heavy. It's so much weight on you.

Clear it all off and just say here's what I'm going to do. And no matter what path you take, it's going to be hard. It's going to be frustrating. It's going to be fraught with big, big feelings. And you don't have to change your plan. You change your path at some point. But clarity is kindness for you. for them. Seek clarity and be very direct about what I'm going to do and not do. And I know it's

not going to go well. You know it's not going to go well. But my hope is just by using the words I'm choosing, I want you to feel reempowered in this situation to do what the next right move is for you. And if it's to take care of them, hook, line, and sinker, make peace with it. I'm going to do this. I'm going to stop fighting it, stuffing anger all the time. Or if it is, I'm going to draw some pretty firm boundaries. And if they want to hate me and cut me off, their grown-ups and that breaks my heart because they're my mom and dad, but they get to do that. I'm going to do the next right move. Thanks for the call, Jane. I don't think I was any help to you at all, but hopefully I gave you some frames and some homework assignments that will help out, help clarify stuff moving forward.

We come back, a woman asks how to reconcile with her family while still struggling to trust them. I've been ranting and raving about how much I love poncho shirts for years. If you've seen me on stages or around town anywhere, you've probably seen me wearing a poncho shirt. I'm wearing one right now. But now I'm seeing them on my friends. I'm seeing them in audiences when I'm speaking. I'm seeing them on friends at my church. Even my coworkers, everybody's wearing poncho and everybody's hitting me up for poncho gear. Why?

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Go check them out. All right, for the last few years of talk to couples behind closed doors across the country in big theaters and auditoriums about their marriages. And everyone I'm talking to is either struggling in their marriage, their marriage is good, but they want it to be great. They want to build a new marriage and they don't even know where to start. They found themselves being co-managers of their house with their spouse, and they don't, they went, where is that spark?

I know it's there somewhere. Listen, me and my gang developed an app. And you guys know I'm not a huge fan of apps. I only use a very few of them. But this one that we've developed is amazing. And here's what it is. It's a micro habits app for your marriage because I'm convinced after reading all the data and sitting with countless people. Marriages are not going to be solved. Relationships are not going to be rebuilt with big fireworks shows and dozens and dozens of roses and a chocolate cake and let's all move on. it's going to be, they're going to be changed. They're going to be rebuilt one brick at a time day by day with tiny changes in our habits. And so I created an app. It's called Together.

You can get it in the app store. Yes, Android people will work on it, relax. But it's called Together, and it is a microhabits app for your marriage. You can do it by yourself, or y'all can link accounts together. And I know everybody's struggling financially right now. So I made this app six bucks a month. Cheap as I could possibly get it. Six bucks a month, and your marriage is worth $6.

a month. Go to the app store and download it now, or you can check the show notes of this particular show. It's amazing. It's good, and it will change your marriage from the inside out. All right, let's go out to Houston, Texas, and talk to Alice. What's up, Alice? Hey, how are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm all right. Awesome. I guess maybe, maybe not. What's up? Whenever someone says, I'm all right, they're usually not. So what's up? Well, I'm really excited to talk to you. I have kind of a complicated situation, so I'm really interested in your perspective on it. Let's untangle it.

Yeah. I have like an extended history with my in-laws, and after a business betrayal, they want to reconcile, and I'm just not sure how or even if we should try to do that. Tell me about the business betrayal. Well, when I met my husband, he had started this business with his brother. And, you know, over a period of a few years, they had made, you know, verbal agreements. You know, my husband was supposed to get a certain percentage and his brother was going to do this on a thing. And so it ended up not being that.

And so ultimately, when my husband and I got married, we just moved out of state and my husband lost, you know, a whole bunch of money and any claim to the business. Well, then a few years later, his brother called and wanted him to then purchase it from him. And so we moved back and purchased the business outright. I felt like we were going to be protected by signing all the papers, all the things. Well, then our employees were still friends with my brother-in-law. And he then helped them while they were so employed with us to create a competing business with ours. And so when it all came to light, we were just totally devastated and ultimately cut off nearly all contact with my in-laws.

And so now a few years later, his brother has reached out and wants to reconcile. Did your in-laws like your husband's parents, did they side with your husband's brother or with your husband's brother? you guys. You know, I guess I should caveat my, my husband, there's a big age gap. And so, um, between my husband and I, there's, we're 25 years part. And so I, you know, his parents have both passed away. Okay. Okay. So in-laws are just your, your brother-in-law and sister-in-law. Correct. Yeah. Um, I mean, there's a lot of mess here. your husband and his brother were not wise when they started this whole thing. Right?

And I know everything sounds cute and cool. It's just do with a handshake. It's just that just assumes it's never going to rain. It always rain. There's always tension, right? And so that's not why we're here. What does your husband want to do? Is he getting older and age?

And he's like, man, I don't want this. I don't want to hate my brother forever. Yeah, he does. And, um, Yeah, he does. And that's created a lot of tension in our marriage, too, that he wants me to reconcile. And I guess I, I mean, I should add, too, that my brother-in-law's wife,

my sister-in-law, she was definitely unkind for the several years leading up to, like, the big betrayal. Like, she wouldn't, she just made conversation very difficult, would make sny little comments. And so it's hard for me to be supportive in trying to associate with people that I felt like never respected me in particular, but us together. So does reconciliation, like that word, I mean, I'm going to give like a cheap definition, but it means to make it right. And so if a guy that was my brother, if I have a brother, he's awesome, one of the most integrist guys I know. If my brother and I went into business together, he tricked me, ripped me off,

then sold it to me and helped a bunch of other people start a competing business. And then a couple years later came back and said, hey, I want to reconcile. Making that relationship right would come with me saying, with him saying, I completely was wrong. Right. It would come with making things right with restitution.

you guys are out 300 grand because of what I did. I'm going to make this right. That would come with, I know I've got to re-earn your trust, and so a path back would be awesome, and I'll walk it. Reconciliation is not, ah, come on, it's all good.

Those are the old days. That's not reconciliation. That's gaslighting. Yeah, that's exactly how I felt. And, I mean, he approached my husband and said, I'll say whatever you want me to say. Let's just, you know, get along. That's cowardice.

That's cowardice, cowardice, cowardice and weakness wrapped up in a suit. Strength and integrity is saying the words, I was wrong. I'm sorry. How can I make this right? That's reconciliation. Your brother-in-law does not want reconciliation. He wants to stop feeling guilty. Yeah, that's exactly.

and but my husband does like he you know he's the youngest I'm also the youngest so I feel like that's a part of it where when you're like the younger sibling then you look at your older sibling with stars in your eyes all the time and yeah but not not when they not when they take your livelihood away from you and they and they burn your livelihood to the ground a second time so let's take your brother-in-law out of here for a second that none of that matters here's what matters your husband wants to be in a relationship with his older brother again. You can't do anything about that. And so whining, complaining, nagging, picking at him,

like that won't solve the ache in his heart, which is I want to have a relationship with my older brother, period. I don't care what he's done to me. So the question you and your husband have to ask is, what does that relationship look like and what are my roles and responsibilities as a part of your new relationship. And you get to choose,

I'm not going to choose bitter, and I'm not going to see that man. And if your husband's a man of character, when his brother's like, where's your wife? He says, man, she is still not over what you did to us. And he doesn't default to,

oh no, man, you know women, they just hold on to grudge it. Right? He defends you in front of the person that tried to take y'all's livelihood away. Yeah. Right. And if he won't do that, you all need to address that conversation in your marriage. But he is going to try to be in relationship with his older brother. Make peace with that.

Well, I don't, that's fine. And I, you know, I have not stood in a way of that. And I think, you know, if y'all want to call each other or meet up, that's great. But the thing that really bothers me is that my husband's brother is saying that he wants to be an, uncle to our kids now and involved in, you know, that role. And that's what in particular makes me feel very uncomfortable. Okay. Then be clear about, like, you're talking a lot about your feelings, and those are important. Don't get me wrong. Very important. But I want you to be clear. I don't want men who lie and hurt their family members mentoring my son or my daughter. Right. And so it's not like, I feel he's this. Because when you're like, I feel he's this, well, your husband's I'm like, well, I feel he's this, and now y'all are in a conversation that is feelings versus feelings, and those never end well. And so you being clear about what is it about this brother, I'm going to write it down so I can have it very crystal clear.

I don't want men like this around my kids. I don't want them mentoring my kids. I don't want them taking on a paternal relationship with my kids, which a great, my two uncles are incredible. and they took on an important role in my life. And so, like, but they're good men of character, right? And so, like, I don't want men who are not good of character around. That includes your brother. And so when he decides, A, B, C, and D, when he demonstrates X, Y, or Z, then we can consider having them around. But just because we share parents, just because we share blood, does it mean I'm going

to put my kids in an unsafe situation with somebody who lacks integrity? But that comes from you being very clear and direct. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, I do. And as for kids, I would draw the line with kids. I mean, I would put my foot down on kids if you think they're going into an unsafe situation. Mm-hmm. And also, I can tell by your voice, your husband doesn't care.

He wants it all just to be wiped, clean, and made right. I mean, his brother is very good at manipulating. obviously. And so, and I talk to my husband, he's, you know, he sees like, oh, yeah, this makes sense. And then when he talks to his brother, he gets all turned around again. Yeah. Yeah. Writing things down has a way of clarifying those things. There's a reason we sign contracts. That way people don't say, well, that's what you said? No, I didn't say that. I didn't, I meant this. That's what we write it down. So you're saying, I should, what exactly should I write down? I want you to be honest with yourself. You don't.

don't like this guy. This guy's done some awful stuff to you and your family. And beneath that, you don't like his wife. She looks at you wrong. She makes mean comments. She's just mean. Well, not that I don't like her. She didn't like me. I know, but, but you don't like her. Like, just put it out there. It's not, it's not a moral issue to not like somebody. That's fine. How we treat somebody can be a moral issue, but you don't have to know what. We're not all going to like everybody, right? So, let's put it all down. why do I not want my kids around them? Yeah.

Is it because I just don't like them and I don't want him wearing the name, uncle, okay, well, then we're going to get over that. He's fine. Or I don't like men of that character or lack of character around my children. And if I can help it, I'm going to put my foot down. Okay.

Right? It's you clarifying. And when you're clear on it, then you're not saying, well, I feel this. And your husband's like, yeah, but I feel that. It just says, if it's, when your older brother takes ownership, because I want my son around men who say the words I was wrong and I'm sorry. Yeah, he won't say that. Okay. That's one of the, that is one of the defining

characteristics of men that I will let mentor my son. Are they men who can say, I was wrong, I changed my mind, I'm sorry, how do I make this right? Because that is a sign of a person of integrity and a person with wisdom. Is he a person that realizes I stole and ripped off my younger brother and his new wife, and that was criminal. It was cruel. And, man, I was wrong. Because I want my son around men who will take accountability when they really hurt people bad.

Right, because when he was saying, I'll say whatever you want to say, and it's, you know, I don't want... That is passive-aggressive cowardice. That's just weakness, weakness, weakness, weakness. Whatever you want me to do? No, that is... You take ownership of this and all just...

I'll put a stamp on it. No, coward, coward. Strength is walking in the door, laying your sword down, knee in front of the family member you tried to steal their livelihood from and saying, I wronged you and I'm sorry. That is reconciliation. That's not going to happen. So you have to decide the path. And I guess I can't give you the path. You got to decide. I just want you to be clear about what you're frustrated with. Clear about why I don't want my kid around him. Clear why I am not going to go to the

family reunion. Husband, you're a grown man. You can do what you want to. Go. I get you when to be around your old brother. Fine. I don't want to go. I'm not going to go. And he can be mad at you. He can be like, I think you're making a big deal over nothing. Great. Cool. And if you start to lose respect for your husband, I can't believe my husband's cowering and walking back into this mess. We're going to get hurt again. Then have the courage to tell your husband, specifically, I'm losing respect in you. I am losing attraction to you. I am losing security and safety with you and trust in you because I feel like we're going to end up right back in the he's going to throw another business deal on the table and we're going to be right back in the same boat and you're going to be like,

yeah, sure, it sounds great. And so it's just being super clear. And once you're clear, then we can say, I don't mind if my kids are around that or I'm not being around that or it just, it clarifies our path. When we feel those feelings, awesome, good, and we clear them up. and we get really specific about what we're scared of, what we're struggling with, and we're going to make our path to move forward. Thanks for the call. I hate that that happened, y'all.

We'll be right back. If you come over to my house sometime, you're going to find all kinds of cool stuff, like guitars and art supplies, and you're going to find one main theme. My family loves Cozy Earth. We love their sheets, their pajamas, their blankets, their towels.

Cozy Earth is taken over my house. Why? Because they're awesome. They're comfortable. Their materials last. Listen, when you wash the towels a couple of times, they don't turn into an old rag. They stay an amazing, comfortable towel. Getting into my bed with cozy earth sheets after a long, crazy day or a wild travel schedule, it just makes me go. And seeing my wife and my daughter smile while they're wearing their pajamas sets, that makes me smile. Listen, cozy earth rules. And on all of their sheets and towels, they offer a hundred. night trial and a 10-year warranty, so there's no risk to filling your house with Cozy Earth gear. Try them for yourself. Go to cozyearth.com slash Deloni and use code Deloni, and you'll save up to 20% off your entire order. That's Cozy, C-O-Z-Y, CozyEarth.com slash Deloni, use code Deloni. Trust me, bring Cozy Earth into your home. You're going to love it. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it? All right, this is from Libby in Akron, Ohio.

Hold on, I want to say this before. We had a live event earlier today, and I was speaking to a whole bunch of people, and you introed me, and you said a whole bunch of nice things. And everyone on the show, all they hear is how mean you are to me all the time. And I want them to know, deep, deep, deep down there. Kelly's a really nice person. I meant all of them. Thank you for saying nice thing. You're welcome.

You have like three years. You don't have to say anything. I'm good. Yeah, but that was very nice. Thank you. All right. So Libby writes, I've been having problems with my friend of 14 years lately, and so we plan to meet for coffee and go over some of the problems.

I took up your strategy and decided to write her a letter. I read the letter to her, and it turns out we just had a lot of miscommunications that we had to talk out. Because of some of your tips, we were able to get on the same page and agree to start a new friendship. We both feel much better and are so excited to be on the same page again. Thank you for everything you do and how much you change. how much you change and inspire people in their everyday lives. And thank you to Kelly and the team. And yes, I really said that.

Kelly didn't add it. She didn't say that. But I'm going to let that one slide today. Kelly added that in at the end because she said nice things. Hey, I'm proud of everybody in that situation. That's amazing. Having the courage to say, hey, I love you enough to tell you, here's what I feel. And have the courage to hear, oh, that's not what I meant.

That's not what I meant. And to say, all right, it's clear the deck. Let's build it new. That's awesome. Awesome. That's how things will change. Love you guys. Bye.