The Dr. John Delony Show - My Fiancé Has Dangerous Hobbies

Episode Date: November 3, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman struggling with her fiancé’s dangerous hobbies A husband wondering if they can afford another baby A woman trying to cope with life sober Next Steps:  📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message.  📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life  📝 Anxiety Test   📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future   ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards   💭 John's Free Guided Meditation   🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch     Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.    Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I was wondering how to ask my partner to start changing his hobbies. He races sport bikes, races motocross. And he was involved in a pretty serious crash. I just want to make sure that he's ready to prioritize having a family. Okay, but I want you to be careful about that language, okay? What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show,

coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, pulling up a seat next to you, some little diner somewhere talking about what's going on in your life, your mental and emotional health, your trauma you're going through right now, your marriage, your relationships, whatever you got going on,

I'll sit with you and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on this show, go to John Deloney.com slash ask, ASK, and of course, the obligatory hit the subscribe, button or the follow button just make such a huge difference for the team, but more importantly from us, we're doing fine. It's all the people out there who get this show kicked up in their

algorithms and they'll get to pull up a seat with us. And one by one by one, we're going to turn this country around. It's got to Laramie, Wyoming. Actually, we got international listeners. We're going to turn this whole world around. It's got to Laramie, Wyoming, and talk to Maria. What's up, Maria? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? Great. How are you? Oh, it's a beautiful day to be living in Wyoming out here. It's gorgeous. Oh, I've so over-romanticized Wyoming. It's a place I want to go spend some time.

And I'm afraid if I go there, I won't want to ever leave. So one day. Yeah, it's the best. What's up? Well, I have a question for you today. That's what I thought. Very cool. And I was wondering how, or if it's appropriate, or if I even can, ask my partner to start changing. some of his hobbies and focusing a little bit more on family time as our life changes a little bit. Tell me about it.

So I got engaged a little bit earlier this year. We're getting married at the end of this year. Both of us are super, super excited to have kids and kind of start that phase of our life now. He has a lot of different hobbies, though, and I'm a little bit worried that some of those might get in the way of raising our family. tell me about them I mean is it video games is it right like what are the hobbies no

um I think my concern they're a little bit dangerous he um races sport bikes races motocross four wheelers all sorts of stuff like that and he was involved in a pretty serious significant crash and accident related to those

so um that happened recently he's gonna heal fine and everything like that but if that was something that happened, you know, a few years down the line with two kids at home, it would have been a totally different story. So I don't know if it's appropriate to ask him to start giving some of that up because I totally, you know, I want him to enjoy his life. I don't want to ask him to give up the things that he loved doing either. Yeah. A, entering into your marriage, I don't ever want you to be hedging or wondering, am I allowed to say this thing? Yeah.

or do I need to keep a concern I have about the man I love, about our future family, do I need to keep that silent so that he can fill in the blank? That to me is the root challenge here, okay? Just plain speak, my wife has asked me over the years to think, she's never said, no, you cannot do it, right? But she has asked me to think through a decision I was about to make, about something I was going to do, whether it's wise or not wise.

Almost always, it's not wise, right? And at the same time, I want you to be honest about who you're marrying. Okay. Is that fair? Yeah. So I am not a motorcycle guy. I never have been. The motorcycle guys I know that have cut and ride with a group and one of my closest friends,

his name's Pete, he is a. bike, a mountain biker, like, not like me, like putting around the neighborhood, but like a very extreme guy. And he does crazy jumps. He does crazy stuff. And he broke almost every bone in his body a few months ago. So, and he's got a little girl, and he's dialed it back. So that's because of age and that's because of safety.

So, but those guys, it's wired into them. You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. Last night, I was up till this morning at a wild, wild punk rock show. and I'm too old to be down in Mosh pits and that's where I was and my wife's not going to take that from me but she's also because she knows

that's the guy she married right I took her to a show right before we got married and also she knows I'm going to be a little more careful and I'm going to be a little smarter and that kind of... Does that make sense? Yeah, totally.

So yeah, you're well within your right to say hey, this is a wake-up call for me I need to be honest with you about some things that scare me. Okay. And is there a way that there's a, you can do four-wheelers, you can do these things,

and you'll make a commitment to me to not be nuts. And he knows, everybody knows there's a difference between, I can make that jump. And, hey, I got a little kid. I'm going to sit this jump out. Yeah.

I think, like you said, That's the hard part. It's so wired into him. But he just, he's got to go do all the crazy stuff. And like you mentioned, you know, with your friend, I just want to make sure that he's around and gets to a point at some point where he's ready to prioritize having a family over having some fun on the Sunday afternoon on some jumps with his friends. Okay, but I want you to be careful about that language, okay?

Yeah. Because if your picture of, be ready to have a family. means you don't do that kind of stuff anymore. You need to tell him that now. Yeah. And if your picture of you need to, when are you going to be ready to quote unquote settle down and have a family

means I still want you out with your buddies. I still want you out riding bikes. This accident you had scared me to death. Are there some things you can do? You'd be willing to sacrifice when it comes to doing all these things. Yeah. And it's probably worth you watching the movie

free solo with Alex and his new girlfriend and fiancee because it's a good meditation on her understanding this is what I'm signing up for yeah as and he's got two little kids now and if you heard some interviews recently he's talked to he he climbs up these insane mountains with no ropes that's what he does if you haven't seen it it's an extraordinary documentary um but also he has scaled some things back he's got two little girls now yeah but he's He's still out climbing every day, I tell you that. But I want you to be honest, honest, honest about what your real picture, not the words, but the real picture of when is he going to settle down and prioritize us?

Because if that means getting off a bicycle, if that means never going vroom, vroom, getting away from engines, you all need to have that conversation. Okay. Because I think you're going to lose the spirit of the guy you fell in love with. Yeah, and I don't want that to happen at all either because I'm a little bit more reserved and shy, and so I absolutely fell in love with him because he's a little bit more on the wild side. Right. And all of us who are a little bit on the wild side or a lot on the wild side,

our genes don't propagate if we don't have people like you in our lives saying, hey, what if we just went to bed tonight? Yeah. Or what if you did those jumps, but not that one, right? And there's an extraordinary beautiful balance. And I would, if he called and said, my fiancé is telling me to not be so crazy, I would say, yes, she gets to do that. And you get to make a choice. Is there's a fine line between excitement, a fine line between super fun, and there's a line of reckless.

And I've crossed that line many times. But as I've got little kids, I chose by having children to come back from the reckless edge, right? Mm-hmm. so yeah you're well within your right i would say it's an obligation that you have to put your fears on the table yeah and if you are honest with yourself in the dark night of your soul and say i can't i don't want to let me put it this way my mom um her husband my dad was a swat hostage negotiator and a homicide detective when i was getting out of college my mom actually said you can do what you want with your life.

I'm going to ask you to not be in this profession. And I said, why? And she said every single day for the last 25 years, I've held my breath until your dad gets home. And that had never occurred to me. Now, if I'd gone into law enforcement, if I'd gone to FBI, she would have been my number one supporter. But that was like, man, that's a real thing, right?

It's a real thing. Yeah. and so I want you just to be honest about it can you do that yeah absolutely that's amazing do you want him to never ride a bike again no I want him to ride a bike again I just want him to do it I want him to do it safely awesome and I can I tell you there's going to be more broken bones I promise you yeah promise you there and I don't know that you'd want that life without it or if you dumped him and you went and married an accountant

not that there's anything wrong with accountants but like there would be you being like oh you just set something on fire in here when he's showing you a spreadsheet right you that's what you'd want that it's just that fine balance but my the bigger thing here is

you putting this all on the table so proud of you for having the conversation and I'm gonna be real proud of you when wait wait till the acute wounds have healed right maybe when he's out of some casts and y'all leave the house

and y'all go to breakfast and you say, okay, I've got some fears I'm going to put on the table and lay it out there for him. You're a great, great fiance and y'all are going to have a great future together unless you don't want him riding bikes and then there's going to be that.

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to get 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, join deleteme.com slash Deloney to save 20% off. All right, let's go to Philadelphia and talk to Frank the tank. What's up, Frank? What's going on, Dr. John? What's up, brother?

How are we doing? Pretty good, man. I just want to first and foremost say thank you for being so vulnerable with your therapy and stuff. For the first time of my life, I went and seek help with therapy. So I appreciate you being so vulnerable And helping us guys out there

That is hard for us to seek those type of things, man I appreciate you Hey, it's hard for me too, man It's hard for me too And I appreciate you guys walking alongside me, man I'm trying to figure it out like the rest of us In real time Yeah, 100% right man

100% right Well appreciate you bro What's up? I got a question about my lawyer So how do I have a discussion with my wife About her desire to expand our family But also emphasize the need to manage our student loan debt and safe for a home.

And additionally, if having a baby shoon is her only options, how can I navigate the challenge to being a present father and husband while also taking a second job that requires being more to be away from my family? Okay. That's like the most difficult part about it, you know what I mean?

Totally. So number one, this is a really important question. I'm grateful that you call. Number two, before we dive in, I want to back out and I want you to sit with me and look at the frame you've given yourself. Okay. you've given yourself an either or either we don't have a kid or

I have to take a second job and I'm not going to be a good dad correct and that whenever we do that we either or ourselves it's a way we get trapped and then our bodies start to react with fight or flight

and you feel like angry about stuff or you feel like I'm just going to shut down and get out of here I don't want you talk to you see what I'm saying you know those feelings I'm talking about absolutely yeah no I just like I struggle between, you know, giving my wife, you know, what she desires is, you know, it's been in our family because she wants a girl. We got two boys right now, six and two.

And she wants to have a girl and she wants to go for the third. But, you know, I'm 31 years old now. And all I do is think about, you know, our financial side about retirement and stuff like that. I'm a huge follower of you and Dave Ramsey. Yeah. So I try to balance those two things and being able to, and I do want to expand our family. But it's, you know, I like the way three or four years. years to be able to pay off some student loans and be able to save for a house, but it's just

a difficult situation. Yeah, for real, man. All right, um, so let's, let's back all the way out of this thing. Has the first two kids coming along? How old are they? One's about to be six at the end of the end of October and one's about to be two at the end of December. Okay. This is, I'm going to throw some stuff up against the wall and I want you to tell me if it sticks or not, okay? Absolutely. Almost always when I have this conversation with somebody underneath everything the finances is a hundred percent real right it's a it's a it's a absolute nightmare for families right now especially young families like you um underneath the question beneath the question beneath the question is there's been a

significant change in your marriage relationship often guys feel like I lost my wife or the first two pregnancies were not super great or they were hard or they were tough to navigate or we lost each other for a year or two and right when we were coming back, we had another kid. So tell me about the pregnancies, and this is, listen,

this is not bad mouth in your wife and this is not you in any way saying I'm not happy to be a dad of two rambunctious fun boys. It's not it at all, but it's just being honest, how was the birth, how was the pregnancy, how was the year after those kids were born?

So we moved to Texas for my job, and we ended up when, as soon as we moved, down there, we were, you know, two years out of college and six months into us moving to Texas, we had the babies. I wasn't making, you know, good money by then. So it was stressful, trying to deal with the money situation and everything like that. And then we moved to Colorado for a couple years, and then we moved back home to Pennsylvania. When we had the second one, I was doing a little bit better financially. Right now, I'm financially making really good money.

My wife has been a stay-at-home mom for two years. And right now, I just feel like we can't at the head. The whole pregnancy thing was the greatest thing because when I was, when I was younger, I couldn't, I didn't know if I could have kids. So this was kind of like a blessing in disguise. You know what I mean? Yep. So it was one of the best things that ever happened to me pretty much saved my life. Awesome. But yeah, it's the whole pregnancy part has been amazing. It's just me, just the financial side is really the hardest, hardest point for me to overcome. All right. That's awesome. dude that's like that makes me feel better all right so that takes one like a big variable off the table you feel connected to your wife you love being a dad all that stuff's good okay awesome awesome

that makes that that makes my soulful that's rat okay so the next step here is walk me through your your money situation what's your financial situation so i'm i make a little over six figures right now um which is you know the most i've ever made in my whole entire life um is it stable uh yes it's stable um i work 50 or 50 to 60 hours a week right now what do you do So I'm a production manager for a manufacturing company. So we get the fruit from Peru, Uruguay, South Africa, and we actually pack it into the bags that you actually see at the food store. Very cool.

You know, multi-million dollar company work really hard for them, and they're very happy with what I do. Perfect. Yeah, man, I'm very happy with what I make. It just seems like nowadays with, you know, inflation and everything like that, we just can't ever get ahead. What does get-ahead mean? Like, you don't have enough money for, like, that.

In terms of emergency fund, just us to be able to have, like, a cushion. We don't have that. And, you know, God forbid, something happens with one of our cars. It's just, you know, I don't want to, I want to get the whole credit card debt. Yeah, for sure. Tell me about what you owe. So, I owe about $30,000 in student loans. And my wife just went back and got her master's degree.

She just passed her exam probably about last month. and she's about 85. So between the two of us for about $110,000 in debt. What was the purpose of getting a master's degree and going almost $100 grand in the hole to be a stay-at-home mom? So she'll be making very, very good money.

She'll be, we can pretty much double our income if she was to go back to work. But the hard part about this whole conversation having with her is that she doesn't want to, if we do have another baby, she doesn't want to send the baby to daycare she wants to stay home with the baby and that's fine with me

it puts a lot of the stress and pressure on me to be able to provide you know like I feel like I should be you know what I mean? Yeah totally so I'm going to say something that's going to get me in trouble and that's fine I'll take the heat on it

and I know you all make these decisions together and I don't mean to divide you here but I'm going to speak this way intentionally okay absolutely she had two competing dreams one to have a master's degree I've got one my wife has one I love that dream okay

one to be a an employee somewhere doing something making really good money I had that dream my wife had that dream and she has a competing dream which is she wants to be a stay-at-home mother of a three maybe four kid household

another another amazing dream The challenge is she chained herself, y'all chained yourselves to $85,000 behind you. And so this dream she has, the dream y'all have moving forward, is dragging this $85,000 kettlebell behind you. You get what I'm saying? Absolutely. 100% I know, Zach. You hit it right on the head.

And so the reality of the situation y'all have is y'all dug together a $115,000 hole. And I think you're wise to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, before we bring another human into this mess, we at least need to start scrounging and scratching and clawing to fill this hole in. Correct. And now that's what about my whole point to her. I mean, we're 31 years old. And my solution, you know, three or four years, if she was to go back to work full time in two years, if we really tackled it like Dave Ramsey likes to do, we can pay off at all of our debts in, you know, a year and a half, tops. You know what I mean? You don't want to wait that. She don't want to wait that long. That's the issue. You know what I mean? Yeah, but it can be both. And she thinks she's going to be too old. Correct. I agree. Yeah, I know. And in her defense, when you walk in and you're pregnant at 34, 35, they start calling you a geriatric pregnancy. Everybody circles the wagons and tells you that you're probably going to die. I remember my wife was pregnant. It was wild the language the doctors used. And my wife would come home with her head down. And it's just the language. And so I get that totally, right? Totally get it. And that's just me as an observer. I don't even have a lived experience there. I'm just a dude. I didn't get it. But, listening to how they talked to her was tough, right?

Absolutely. And that you'll have a math problem. And here's what I want to break down the timeline, okay? If you sit down with her and say, having, being your husband is the greatest call of my life and I love it. Is that true if you were to say that to her? 100%. Awesome.

She knows that. Okay. She knows that. I know, but sometimes we think our wives know that. and it's good to, like, not just say it in passing, but to go out somewhere, get away from the house and look her dead in the eye, okay? The second thing is, being a father

is the greatest job I'll ever have, and I love it. And I would love to have a third kid. If that's true, say that out loud. And we have a math problem, a big one. And so here's what, if I look at the timeline, if you were to present a, and I know this is a curse word these days, if you were to present a budget and said if you go and I'm going to pretend she got a master's in nursing okay

you're going to go make 90,000 dollars for two years our two year old or six year olds in school our two year old is going to be at a mother's day out program half the day and we're going to have a babysitter every single penny you make of 85 or 90 thousand bucks every penny goes into the student loan fund all of it and you, I don't know what you're into, whether you're into hunting or basketball or NFL games or what, I don't know. I'm not going to go to any games.

I'm going to put this much money into this pot. We're going to really fill this hole in and make a compromise and say, when we get this number down to 70, I'm all in. I'm sorry, when we get 70 of this wiped out, we got 50 left, I'm all in. Or we pay these things off, I'm all in. And by the way, if y'all get on a really

ninja type budget what you're talking about is waiting to get pregnant for six months you're talking about eight months because then you got the time it's going to take to get pregnant maybe you get lucky on month one but the data would tell me probably not

so you take two or three months and then you got nine months right so you got time is what I'm saying absolutely and now we agree and that now we got a matter yeah that was my whole point And it's because I make a decent amount of money and we live very not frugal.

You know, we don't spend a lot of money. We would, she would work and legit every single penny that she would make would go towards that student loan time. I know, but I want. But here's what happens in these conversations. She says I want to have a third kid. My clock is ticking. And that's a true statement, right?

It's real. That's true. And your response is very real. We can't afford that this second. In a couple of years we could. and what she hears is he doesn't want a third kid and what you're hearing is she doesn't understand how scary things are financially for our family

and so when you sit down with a map and say I want this too and here's how we can get there but I need you to understand the same fear you have about your clocks ticking I feel like I got a ticking bomb in the middle of our living room and it's called one broken toe on one of our rambunctious boys

that will set us back in a way we can never we can never dig out right but it's saying I'm on your team and yet I'm looking at the math here and this isn't

we're not safe right and you look at her and put your fist in your chest and say I don't feel safe with this with two crazy boys we are one broken arm away from a hole that we can't ever dig out of yeah right but here's the path and here's a map are you in if i'm in and really the logistically

if you all sit down and say we can do this in 20 months we're going to go scorched earth we're going to do this in 20 months um and every day she's going to go to work with tears in her eyes because she's dropping her kid off i get that i get that and we're going to we're going to have 19 months of hell spiritual hell um like literal hell we're not going to go out to eat we're all those exhausted nights when y'all are like screw this let's just go out to eat where all that's gone right and then in about nine months six to nine months y'all are doing the best you know you're trying full force to have another kid and then she's going to have a pregnancy she's going to be exhausted she can be tired she'll be working full time and then right when that baby's born you're all going

to have this number either completely gone or at a manageable level where you can exhale and say all right we're in you're 100% right is that fair 100% right absolutely but i want you to to hear, I want her to hear you say, I want this dream too, but we chained ourselves to a 115,000 pound kettlebell that I don't feel safe dragging behind two crazy boys. By the way, you may get a third, she wants a girl, you make it another boy. I'll tell you right now, I love having a son, but dude, my daughter wrecked my heart, man. It's amazing. So I hope you'll, I hope you'll get whatever you want, but having a daughter is amazing.

but I think there's a path forward but I think you laying out a roadmap for her and acknowledging yeah your clock is ticking I get that and I get all the language I get all the heat you're going to get I get that feeling and sense and I get that you want to vomit every day you go to work and I made up the job

but as a nurse or whatever you're going to vomit every day putting your kid your baby in the hands of somebody else I get that I totally get that but this is the hole we dug ourselves and I don't want these boys growing up in a house just full of electric, electric, fried

money, stress, and I don't feel safe and I want to be safe taking care of this family. And so, man, game on. Dude, I love, love this question, love this conversation. If she wants to call in, I'd love to talk to her too. I want y'all to do me

this honor, Frank. When y'all pay this thing off, we all call into my show. I'd love to celebrate you guys. and when she gets pregnant, I want you to send me a note too. Both things, I think, are in your future. It's going to take 19 to 20 months

of absolute grind-out hell and then you're going to free the runway for your family in a way that you never dreamt possible. It's awesome. When we come back, a woman asks how to work through trauma while still being a good mother and wife without drinking anymore. All right, it's fall now,

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Any chance you used to work down by the docs? No. All right. Thank you so much for taking my call. I'm extremely nervous, but I'm going to try to do this right. Oh, don't be nervous. By the way, that doc thing was my Bon Jovi line. I'm sure you've heard that your whole life, so it's cool.

All right, so jump into it. Don't be nervous. We can just jump right in. What's up? Okay. I also really want to say thank you for introducing us to what we now in my house called a face hug

because I have an overly anxious six year old and it is it's like revolutionized the way we help her so amazing I really would she goes I need a face hug and I was like oh give me one too that's so good so good thank you so much

yeah so my question is this there's kind of it's a little complicated but I quit drinking at the beginning of 2025 at the year because I'm almost 50 and I had my kids late and just the physical toll of alcohol, it wasn't doing me good. I have a job, I have kids, I have a life. But then recently I found a really amazing therapist who could kind of like see through me.

And she immediately started working with me on childhood trauma that I had never really discussed with anybody. And specifically we're doing EMDR, which is, again, like life changing. It's amazing, yeah. but the only problem is it's like while I'm doing this the only way to say it is I feel like emotionally naked all the time and I feel I mean I you know I wasn't drinking we have a really we all have I mean everybody has a complicated life but we have a eight year old a six year old a two year old we both work we have this we have that the kids get

sick the kid blah blah blah and I was doing fine not drinking but now it's like when things get hectic because I'm so emotionally raw, I end up having a glass of wine, which turns into two or three. And so my question is, you know, while I'm doing this healing process where I'm going to be able to handle all of this craziness around me without needing an unhealthy coping mechanism, like, how do I get through it? I don't know if that question makes sense. Yeah, it totally makes sense.

There's two big alarm bells going off in my mind. Is it okay if I'm going to work through both of them, okay? Absolutely. Alarm bell number one is a therapist can be the greatest therapist in the world when it comes to connecting with a person and that's a skill and it's an art

and it's just a talent. People are innately like they can connect with you right and it sounds like you have that right? Yes. Also doing EMDR well which is if you Google it if you want to it's an amazing way that people find a lot of relief working through trauma is awesome

and being a good EMDR practitioner is amazing. But here's my alarm bell number one. No therapist ever should go through trauma narratives or go through EMDR or go through any of these healing modalities without spending weeks giving you very specific techniques and skills that y'all practice together on how to live when this stuff, starts coming back up yeah and so normally it's like like if you're working with kids like the tfcbt like the trauma focused cognitive behavioral therapy like if you do that you don't get to the

trauma narrative you don't start going through what actually happened to you for six or seven weeks because you're teaching kids how to breathe and you're teaching kids how to exhale and deal with tension and we're going to slowly practice these things so that when this stuff comes comes back up and we open this the closet door that's way, way in the back, that you've got some skills. And it sounds like maybe you got a therapist who's great at connecting and knows some really good techniques, but left you, as you said, emotionally naked when you walk out of that room. And that's not good therapy. And so what I would tell you is step one is walk into the office and say, I need to pause the EMDR. I've got to learn some breathing

techniques, some movement techniques, some journaling techniques. I've got to learn some of these things and practice them with you so that I can go back and do the hard work. I'll tell you this, it's going to sound awkward and weird. I spent one entire session, not talking with my therapist, but we just did this coherence bell breathing. We just breathe the whole time. Yeah. And it was teaching me, I can settle myself down. Okay. And then we got into the gnarly. stuff so that step one is that it's a set of skills whatever here's alarm bell number two you have quit drinking in theory or you quote unquote at the beginning of 25 got sober as an idea but if you want to get sober after 50 years of drinking you have to make a commitment that

this is out of my life yeah and what that forces you to do is to come up with some different coping mechanisms. And I don't say coping. I don't even like that word, some different strategies for dealing with just life is crazy. And the problem about alcohol is it works, doesn't it?

Two glasses of wine will take an eight-year-old's mayhem and just kind of take the edge off of it, right? It makes it funny. Yeah. Yeah. And here's the thing. It's finding the humor without it.

Or it's finding it's not funny. It's just annoying. Eight-year-olds are annoying because they're eight right that's what they do they're just annoying and i still love them and it can be hilarious but also it makes you want to bang your head against the wall because they're eight and then you jump a six-year-old and a two-year-old on top of that are you crazy and she's almost three so she talks so it's three people so great so great consistently talking yes so let me back all the way up can i just say this you're not crazy

you're not a bad mom that you want three kids sometimes to just shut up a go away you're not a bad wife that you want your husband to just go lay out in front of traffic and maybe a car will hit him so he'll be quiet and stop pawing at you and you're not nuts all of this stuff is real and it's okay to have three beautiful kids and be so annoyed that you just want to go run screaming into the night. It's okay if you're laying in bed and you just have your eyes closed and you're dreaming about how quickly you could pack a duffel bag and just be gone for a weekend and know where you are. The funny thing is it's like I wish that I could, I do, I wish I could go away for a month

and just do all of the hard work and come back and be like, okay guys, now I'm good. And Gina, if that's what you need, that's not a bad thing. Yeah. I've got some colleagues at a place called The Bridge in Kentucky that are masters. They're amazing. And you go away for 30 days. Yeah, I don't think we can do that. Why?

Tell me why. I don't even know your situation, but I don't know your situation, but I bet you could. What do you mean you can't afford it? What do you mean? Well, I mean, I work. I can't just take 30 days off. There's not a, there's not a like a Go Get Well program at your office. there could be however also my my husband wouldn't be able to to do the kids for 30 days his job is really demanding as well

and we we do really well together pinch hitting if a kid gets sick who can go pick them up etc but he can't always for 30 days be the person that is always the one going to pick them up um if something happens and something always happens how long have you been drinking like if you back out of your life how long has alcohol been a part of your life since college I mean, I didn't drink in high school or anything. When did you know this is a problem? At the end of last year, where I was like, wait a minute, I drink every day now. What's that about?

And I actually saw a therapist specifically around alcohol and why was I drinking and what was I thinking? And I feel like it wasn't until working with the therapist I have now that I could even see that I was, just trying, you know, to drown. It's interesting because when I had the sexual abuse that I'm trying to work through, I was the age of my eldest daughter. Correct, yeah. And so, yeah. And so my therapist is like, you know, let's kind of connect some dots here.

This is really all starting to hit because you are starting to have fears. You're being very, I will say this about myself, very reactionary. And pretty much the idea of, you know, the way your reactionary. acting is not the you today of your mature adult woman self. It's the eight-year-old that's screaming for help and not being heard. Beautiful. But now that eight-year-old has 50-year-old muscles, and I'm going to start hitting everybody I can't. Because now I feel like I can defend myself, yes.

I like to say that your body puts little GPS pins in your nervous system. And that eight-year-old alarm bell is like, oh, there it is. Right. Your therapist is dead on. Or drink, so I don't. act like that well and think about drinking it's just climbing up and taking the batteries out of the smoke detector exactly your house still on fire just doesn't ring so loud right yeah i want to tell you with all the love in my heart we're friends right we're good yes listen to you every day

okay the words i can't or he can't is addict language it is this idea that the way my life is on a set of train tracks that cannot get off for any reason at any time and I want to just tell you categorically when people say those things almost always it's not true almost always I can't so I have to dot dot dot is addict language and so one helpful exercise could be with your husband and or with your therapist is to take your arm metaphorically speaking and wipe the deck of your life wipe your calendar wipe your professional lives and i'm not saying you quit your job of course you can't quit your job your husband can't quit his job and you got three kids that have needs but what must be true not right this second but what

must be true for us to have the life we want 24 months from now because here's the question you're going to be 52 do you want to be 52 laughing your head off with a 5 year old and a 10 year old and an 8 year old or do you want to be 52 still beating yourself up as you walk by the wine cabinet yeah that's the question and when you're 52 this one month of going to get sober you have to go to an inpatient program, but if that's what your body's telling you, that's what your therapist is telling you, consider it.

Would you rather have had a logistical mess of a 30 days? And be the mom that laughs and breathes in her own house. Or keep white knuckling everything. And I think it's interesting what you say about having to be completely sober forever. Because it's almost like an escape, like a backdoor. Well, I don't drink, but when things get really rough, I can drink. That's right. Instead of when things get really rough, I do these things that are physically healthy for me and physically safe.

And sometimes when you're trauma healing, sometimes what I can do is I can just ride this wave. Yeah. And I know this feeling isn't going to be here forever. I know this impulse isn't going to be forever. I know my 10-year-old is playing with a couple of friends and one of the friends' older brother just walked in and my body goes to war and I also am present with reality.

It doesn't take the bomb going off in my chest but it does, I am able to extend that gap a little bit before I say anything and I can exhale. And I can be present here without running and hiding or beating up some 11-year-old boy who just walked in the wrong room at the wrong time, right? and I'm just a hypervigilant because that happened and it could happen again, right?

All that stuff is there. So it's not even about numbing it or doing away with it. Those feelings will be there. It's just that your body won't go back to being an eight-year-old. They'll stay in your 50-year-old present self. Yeah.

And I think a lot of people think healing means, I don't ever think that thought anymore, I don't ever feel that feeling anymore. That's not true. Healing is when those things come, I can go do the next right thing. Yeah, and it's fascinating because the work we've been doing is me actually going back

and getting my eight-year-old self. Yep, it's awesome. And so that when those kinds of situations, yes, the eight-year-old self starts to scream, but internally in your head. And it sounds woo-woo, but it actually is working. Internally in your head, you're like, here, come here, let me give you a hug.

Yeah. You're not there. We're here now. We're here now. I'm in charge, and I got this. Yep. And sometimes that's, I think I've talked about on the show, if I showed up at a house at 2 a.m.

and somebody had just, a loved one had just died, especially in a tragic way or a gruesome way. Often one of the things we would do is I would take that person and I would either put their hand on my chest literally or we would hold hands so they could feel my slower heart rate and we would walk down the street and we would either count trees

or we would count cracks in the sidewalk. And what that did was it brought you from wherever you are, not here, to right now. you weren't safe then but you're safe now and that's just some of the exercises that you'll that i want you to be direct with your therapist and say i need to pause this okay i'm out of skills for being out of here so whether it's breathing whether it's journaling whether it's writing letters whatever the thing is i need some stopgap skills and i want to practice them with you and if your therapist says well we're going to continue i'm telling you right now i have one

crutch when my foot starts hurting again and that's a drink. And so I need to get some different crutches while I'm healing. And that's the therapist's job is to walk you through those things and practice them with you. Yeah. I've taught those things and I've received those things. They're real and they're a critical part of this. But I want you to get serious. The other thing about drinking is if it's not in your house, you can't drink it. You can always stop and buy some. You can. You can. You can. but if you leave your ATM card at home and you have $20 in your cash in your wallet I mean you can put some hurdles up

Of course anybody who wants it It's gonna find it I know that But you can put some hurdles in front of yourself That give you a chance to exhale and breathe Before you do the next thing But if you're gonna get serious about getting sober You gotta get everything out of your house And you got to put some breaks

Some hurdles in front of you Some very serious hurdles You probably need to go to a meeting Start going to meetings I don't have time You do have time I would say you don't have time not to go. And your husband can figure out what he needs to do at work.

I don't have time. This is a serious thing. And often we cast that onto our partners. But if we actually sit down and say, I'm ready to make a change. Our partners step up in amazing way sometimes. Often they do. Often they do. When they fully understand what's going on.

It's different than I need you to pick up the kids. I need you pick up the kids. I'm ready to get well forever. And I'm going to need you for 30 days. Cool. I'm going to figure this out. We may need to hire a high school kid to pick up a kid from school or we'll figure that out. But let's make a game plan. If you need to go away for 30 days, go away for 30 days.

I'm so proud of you, Gina. I'm so proud of you for making the change. If you look back at a trend line, you've had some, you know, like a stock market thing. It's gone down. You've had some down days and some down weeks. But the trend line is up. You're on the path for healing. And now you're at the threshold for I'm really going to jump and go all in.

be honest about getting sober honest got to get that stuff out of my life totally be honest about all right i'm opening the the trauma door we're going through some old memories i got to get some new skills and then i got to sit down with my husband and say all right are you all in with me because i'm going to need a ride or die to go all in and we're going to honor that 52 year old you who's going to roll over and laugh when she wakes up and that 10 year old's like i want a snack i want a snack she may not laugh. She may get crazy and it'd be worth it. Thank you so much for the call, sister. I'm super proud of you. I'm proud of you. We'll be right back. I've been telling you about cozy earth's bamboo sheets and pajamas for a long time now. They give you the kind of comfort that makes coming home

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going to want to. And now, Black Friday has come early at CozyEarth. Go to CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney on top of their site-wide sale, giving you up to 40% off in total savings. These deals will not last long, so start your holiday shopping right now. That's cozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney. What up, Kelly? Hey, can I say something cool that happened but like a realization I had before we do the cool thing that happened?

Your show? Sure. It is now? Well, your name's back there on the back. You've always said, this is my show job. Well, we keep that just between us. I think everybody knows. Okay, so last night I took my son, a 15-year-old to the Turnstile show.

It was a big, loud punk rock band. There are thousands of people there, and it was just one... It's like somebody turned the floor on. It was just one mosh pit from wall to wall. it was it's i'm gonna i'm gonna be silly here but i'm gonna be serious it's a thing i've been thinking about since my son was born like one day i want to take him to one of these crazy concerts and he came with me we ended up on the stage at the end of the show it was a wild night and there was times his

eyes got real wide when it was just mayhem and on the way home it was late we didn't get home until really late and he runs cross-country so he had a long practice and he's got to get up early to go to school and he was kind of zombie tired and whatever. And I had this realization and I called my wife and I just want to share this just moment of clarity for me. I called my wife and I said, hey, did Hank talk about this on the way to school today? And she goes, he did a little bit. He's kind of telling me about one of the songs. It was awesome and people going bananas or whatever. And I told her, I said, hey, he knows this is like a dream of mine to take him to a crazy show. And I get this inkling. that's not his thing like that his dad man when i grew up i if there was a mosh pit i was going to be

there but i walked away last night thinking i shared an awesome night with my son we had a blast we did some funny wild things whatever but that may not be his thing his thing may be garth brook shows and i gave my wife i told my wife i said i want you to be honest with me because my son wants doesn't want to disappoint his old man he's a great kid i want you to be honest with me if you get any sense that this is a one and done thing and that's cool because i don't want to drag my son through this like ah of mine but i just got that sense and i just want to be happy with we shared a cool moment and also know that was kind of a thing for me right and i don't want to put my whether it's jiu jitsu or hunting or basket weaving or whatever i don't want to put my

the things that light me up and give me spark. I don't want to put that on my kids to carry. So it was just a realization ad last night. That was awesome. It was fun. I just get this week. I used to walk out of those shows just yelling. Like, he didn't do that.

And I think it's not his thing. And that's super okay with me. And I'm happy about it. But I just wanted to share that with everybody. Like, it's cool to share an experience. But don't put your things on your kids in that way. And if he wants to go to more, I'd love to take him. But I'm not going to force him anymore.

Yeah, I think that's very, very self-aware of you. And I've had similar, like, in high school, I was on the dance team. I did this and did that. I loved pep rallies, blah, blah, blah. And when my son started high school, and I was just like, oh, my gosh, I can't wait for your first football game. And first pep rally. And he has sensory issues, and they are his version of hell. Yeah.

And so, and I was like, what do you mean you don't love it? It's so great with 2,000 people and it's loud. But he's like, it's awful. I can't function. So he didn't go. And it took me a while to be like, and that's okay. Yeah. And he's got great friends and the good gang.

Yeah. And so I think that is a hard part of parenting is realizing that. It's the worst part, but it's also the best because you get to watch this independent human. Let them be their own person. Yeah. All right. So what's a cool thing that happened? All right.

This one's short. And I had picked this one prior to the call that we just took. And then you said something at the end that was like, like, oh, this is perfect. So this is from Emily in Portland, Oregon, and she writes, On the pod, Dr. John often suggest to overwhelm to stay-at-home moms to get an 11- or 12-year-old to come over and play with the kids so mom can get a break. Well, I took this advice, and now we have a sweet 11-year-old girl from church that comes over every other Friday to play hot wheels with my 3-year-old and 18-month-old sons. Now I think my 3-year-old wants to marry her.

I promise you. But thank you for the practical tip. It definitely helped change things, and it gives me a breath of fresh air. Oh, that's awesome. It's those little bitty tips. Like, it feels like the whole world's crashing down. It's like, actually just do that. Try that. Just a tiny little place where the light can shine through.

That's it. That's it. And then it ends up, man, that lights up the whole room. It's awesome. Hey, appreciate you guys being with us in the show. Listening to the show, I'm going to say this over and over and over again for the next however long until the internet God shut me up.

The world is going to change through how you choose to interact with your spouse, with your kids, and with the person at the grocery store with the guy who just cut you off in traffic. We get to choose to exhale. We get to choose kindness. We get to choose the next right thing. I'm going to do my best to make that choice. I'm going to ask you make those next right good moves.

Love you guys. Bye.