The Dr. John Delony Show - My Friend is a Creep, Porn Addiction, & Feeling Suffocated in a Relationship

Episode Date: February 3, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode I Found out best friend was soliciting pics from minors.I went to cops but nothing has been done. How do I navigate this relationship with him? My husband has hidden his porn addiction from me for over 6 years. How do we move on from here? How can I let my new partner know that I feel suffocated in our relationship? John's Spotify Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3gBUHh2HvBaLUsl54bjbJf?si=ysdemlstTy2C8TOmd6TSsA Lyrics of the Day: "Fast As I Can" - Erin McKeown tag: sexuality/intimacy, friendship, abuse, marriage, disagreement/conflict, boundaries These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, what's up? On today's show, we talk about some hard adult themes, so watch out for the little ears in the room. Our first caller is a young man who is struggling to figure out how to have a hard, hard conversation with his buddy. We talked to a woman who found out that her husband's got a pornography addiction dating back years. And we talked to a awesome young woman who is coming out of a hard, broken relationship, and she's wondering how she can trust herself to find love again. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up, good folks? It's Deloney. Welcome to the Dr. John Deloney Show. The show about you, your lives, the messiness, the cuts and the bruises, and the blood and the scrapes, and the good stuff and the bad stuff.

All of it. The anxiousness and the depression and the madness. How we become okay with what we see in the mirror. Here's the thing. If you're new to our band of ninjas, welcome along. We're so happy to have you. We are still figuring this out. We talk about everything on this show from mental health challenges to family and relational IQ questions, schooling, education, what happened to my kids, addiction, infidelity, anything you can imagine. I love walking alongside folks as we figure it out together. I'm still figuring it out.

I'm a dad. I'm a husband. I'm just a guy in my community trying to do the best I can to do right by myself and by my family and by my neighbors. And so we're all figuring out together. Give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. And sometimes on the show, we talk about things that drive me crazy and annoying things and just a little while ago in the office I leaned my chair back and I said hey does anybody have anything that drives them crazy and that makes them annoyed and so one awesome young woman she said when people show up to four-way stops and they get there before you and then they just sit there and they just start waving at you and she says I get all confused and nervous and I start to go and then

they go and stop and she's like if people just follow the freaking rules when you get to the four-way stop first then you just go it doesn't make you noble just to sit there for an extra 10 seconds and make somebody feel awkward so that was kind kind of fun. One guy in the office said, drives me crazy when I finally save up my willpower for a cheat day. This dude's all ripped and buff. He's way better looking than all of us. When he has a cheat day, he goes to the drive-thru to get a large fry

and the stingy suckers in the drive-thru just put like a medium fry worth of fries in the large fry. Dude, it's like six cents. Just fill the sucker up. Make me feel good about myself. The Five Guys Burgers, dude, those guys know what's up. They fill that bag all the way up. It's just a bag of diabetes and it's so good, man. They hook you up. And then one guy named Tyler, he's like, you know what's annoying, Deloney? You. You are annoying, Deloney.

To which Rachel, who runs all of our calendars, she goes, yeah, he's kind of right, Tyler. So there's a few annoying things from our neighbors here in my office. So give me a call, 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash show. Fill out the form. It goes right to Kelly. And she will connect you with the show. And so, you know what? We got a lot to talk about today, but we're going to go straight to the calls. Let's get into the calls and then

we will talk as we go. So let's go to Charlie in Alexandria, Louisiana. Charlie, what's up, brother? How are we doing? I'm doing good. How are you, John? Good. What's going on, man? Well, I've had a bit of a situation kind of fall into my lap. It's not something that I asked for, but it's here and I've got to deal with it concerning a good friend of mine. And I just was looking for some advice from you about how I approach him about the situation and how our friendship should move on from where it is now. Cool, man. So go on. What happened? Well, over this past summer, I found out from from many other women other than his wife, some of those including minors. Come on, why?

Yeah. Man. Me and my fiance, we went to the police with it a couple days after we found out. Hey, can I just stop you right there and say absolutely i'm grateful for you dude thank you to you and your fiance for being people of character and doing hard things good for you man that's awesome i'm super thankful for her she she really was cut and dry with this and was like we need to go and shoot well you're hey you're marrying well, my friend. Yeah, we make that tough decision.

Hang on to her, man. That's a person of character that has zero tolerance for freaking evil people. All right, go ahead, brother. Sorry if I cut you off. Go ahead, man. Y'all went to the police. I know that was hard. It was uncomfortable.

And then what happened? Well, since our information is basically secondhand everything we know came from uh his wife right uh there's nothing that's really been done about i mean they took our statement my report uh and what happened but as far as i know nothing's been uh done with it okay uh when'd you make this report uh this would have been back in June. It would have been back in June. Okay. So you made a report in June and here you are just a few weeks into the new year. What's your question for me, man? So this is like one of my best friends. I was best man at his wedding. He was supposed to walk in my wedding, and we haven't addressed it,

and I don't know how I should confront him about this. Dude, homie, you're his best man. You confront this by going and banging on his front door, and you have been invited and earned the right to put your finger in his chest and say, dude, what in the world is wrong with you? What are you doing? What has happened to your brain and your spirit? This is what best men are for, Charlie, is confrontation, and it's for accountability.

I mean, that's why he asked you to be his best man, right? And so you have a responsibility to get active. You did the right thing. You called the police, and that's the legal part of this. The friendship part of it, man, you are all up in his business about that. Why is that hard for you? Why does that make you uncomfortable? I'm not entirely sure.

I just... I don't want to have to deal with that conflict that I know that's going to be there. Hey, you're not his friend then, man. He's not a friend to you. You're not a friend to him. Call it and then move on with your life.

If you want to have relationships that are conflict-free, you're never going to have relationships that are worth anything. I would deeply suggest you postpone any sort of marriage plans you have because marriage is full of conflict. The best ones have a lot of conflict because, man, that's what good, deep relationships are all about is when the good times are good, they're good. And when they are rough, you ride or die together. And when somebody violates core values, this is of any human being, man. Soliciting pictures of minors from minors, dude. God almighty.

And again, you are right. And it's something to think through. You don't know. It could have been his wife made up stuff, got angry and fired up. You did the right thing. The investigation needs to be done by the police. But, man, I'm telling you this. If that had been my friend, A, we would have done the same thing,

called the police. You got to. But, B, man, I would have been at his house. I probably would have beat the cops there. Because I take the accountability part of my friendship real, real seriously. And here's the deal. Vice versa, man, I would probably be more nervous to face the cops in that situation, face my buddies in that situation than the cops because there'd be no quarter.

They would probably shoot me before the police did. And so, again, has your friend not called you? Hadn't reached out to you? It's just not been talked about at all. He doesn't know that I know. So it's just... not been talked about at all. He doesn't know that I know. Basically. So it's just hush hush. So

he's having this trouble in his marriage. Is he still married? Yes. What's his wife doing about it? Man, I got all kinds of questions now, man. This thing's just getting weirder and weirder. What's she doing about it? Man, I got all kinds of questions now, man. This thing's just getting weirder and weirder. What's she doing about it? Yeah, it's a bit of a train wreck.

So initially, she was upset with him and left him, obviously, but... And so, hey, the guy who you were the best man in their wedding, and he's going to be the best man in your wedding. God, I hope he's still not. He's going to be the best man in your wedding and he was the he's gonna be the best man in your wedding god i hope he's still not he's gonna be the best man in your wedding he didn't call you when his wife left him uh he did uh and we talked i hadn't known that he's had a an addiction with pornography before um and he had mentioned that as being part of it but at this point i had known but he didn't uh come out with me uh with the the um deeper part of it he didn't come out to me with that all right charlie brother i know you called me to ask me what to do with your friend,

and I'm turning this around on you. Your friends, I mean, if somebody's soliciting minors for nude photos from them, that's a class of person that we don't even need to discuss any further on this show. I think we all will be in agreement on that. And if you're listening to this show and you're not in agreement on that, like, no, that's cool, bro. Don't ever listen to the show again. Just find something else to listen to because you're an idiot. But I think we're all in agreement on that, right? Right. So the problem here in this situation, Charlie, is you. And I'm telling you that because I love you.

But if you've got a best friend on planet earth that you feel this uncomfortable about calling them out on something this big they're not your friend man either that or you have some deep character challenges that you're going to have to work through because you owe it to yourself you owe it to the kids he was getting involved with you owe it to yourself. You owe it to the kids he was getting involved with. You

owe it to your future partner. You owe it to him. Man, if someone has entrusted you with their friendship, that's both good and bad. It's hard conversations and good conversations. And I've been the recipient of some hard, hard truths in my life from men who are close to me and women, good, good friends. And it has been ugly and painful and hard and almost every single time it's been a gift that I couldn't calculate how valuable that gift was. But what you need to do is call your friend and say, man, I haven't been honest with you.

I've known about this for a long time. I called the cops on you, dude. And here's the thing. If it's not true, if it didn't happen, then the cops aren't going to find anything. And since 95% or whatever the crazy number is of people in this country look at pornography, the cops can roll their eyes.

If he did, they do an investigation, then he's going to get busted and he should. Okay? It's that simple. But you owe it to your friend who was the best man in your wedding and who was so close to you, you were going to have him in your wedding. You owe it to him to call him and be upfront with him and to confront, to hold accountable. And in that process, man, you're with him, right? We don't abandon our friends, not like that.

But we don't gloss over it and just be like, oh, sweet dude, cool bro. No, man. Charlie, you got to step up here. Or he's not your friend, and you got to just walk away and let that sucker ride. But, man, we've got to have friends, guys and gals. We've got to have friends. And that doesn't mean just people who surround us with good things that make us smell like flowers and roses,

but who will tell us hard, hard truths about ourselves, who will show up at our front door when we need help, and it will show up at our front door to put a size 12 boot in our face, right in my mouth, right in my teeth. And, man, maybe I'm just a lucky guy, man, that I've got friends that will do that for me. But, Charlie, you need to be that guy. If anybody out there has great close friends

and they're like, I don't want to have that conflict, have the conflict, man. That's what you're supposed to do. All right, I'm just going to go on. Thanks for the call, Charlie. Hey, here's the deal. Have this conversation, Charlie,

and then call me back because I want to know how it goes. It's probably not going to go well, but that's a good thing. This kind of conversation can't go well, but let me know how it goes. All right, let's go to Candace in Fort Collins, Colorado. Candace, what's going on? How can I help? Hey, Dr. Delaney. So a few weeks ago, I found out about my husband's porn addiction that he's been keeping a secret for our entire relationship. How long have y'all been together? Married for three, together for six. Okay. He has been addicted since he was 12. Okay. And I just want to know how to establish trust going forward

and how to help him overcome this addiction. So one, I'm sorry that you just discovered this. How'd you figure it out? How'd you discover it? I actually had a dream about it, and I confronted him about my dream and he was like what the heck and came clean about everything yeah because he realized oh god i'm married to a sorcerer this is not going to end well for me right um so you had a dream and you just thought

well i think my husband's got some addiction challenges and then you just asked him about it and he's like oh busted I didn't believe the dream like I thought it was just a random dream but I was like hey I had this dream it's kind of weird and then he yeah wow it came true so how'd that how'd the conversation go? Tell me about how that conversation went. Um, he at first kind of like made it seem like it wasn't as much of a big deal. Like he was kind of denying it at first, but then he eventually, um, just started, I don't know, it's, I, let's see, because he was, like, asleep, and then he a long time and he made it sound like it was like every like few months but then he actually said it's more like weekly so um tell me what what was going on in your heart were you just devastated did you kind of

know already or was it did it answer a lot of questions for you was it weird were you more annoyed that he's been keeping secrets from you what what was what's going on in your in your soul like all of the above like at first i was, I was completely shocked. I had no idea. I thought we were, like, a couple that never had to deal with that type of thing. So it was shock and hurt. But as he started telling me more and more, I also felt empathy towards him because he's been keeping it a secret for so long, and he doesn't want to be doing this. And he doesn't know how to get out of it, you know?

Yeah, so here's the good news and the bad news. The bad news is you can't make him do anything. He's going to have to decide that he wants to change whatever behavior it is. Anytime we – I talk to folks about addictive behaviors. I always want to make sure we're talking about it at a 30,000-foot view. And so addiction is addiction is addiction. And some people use pornography and sleep around. Some people use heroin and some people work 90 hours a week. And some people are addicted to being right. They're addicted to power and to bossing people

around. Addiction is addiction is addiction. And the chemicals involved are very similar. And for some folks, pornography is not that big of a deal. For other folks, it's devastating in their soul, and so who he is married to, which is you, right? Y'all are going to have to sit down and have an honest, not groggy conversation, not a hem-holly conversation, but a direct conversation about how this particular behavior makes you feel. And you're going to have to have a specific conversation about what the violation feels like, and you're going to have to do some work on your own to decide, to kind of divvy up here. Is it the secrets that broke your heart? Is it the fact that he's been struggling with something for six years and he's kept that from you? Or is it the

actual, he is looking at naked people and he is thinking about other people that are not me, right? And it's probably, like you said, it's a mixture of all of that. What I'll tell you is, it's been my experience that the deepest pain underneath all those layers is the deception and the fact that you weren't worthy enough to be trusted with a hurt he had, especially for that long, right? That's hard. Is that overcomable? For sure. 1,000 million percent yes.

Okay? What you're going to have to do is be honest with him about your feelings. And even if it's not all parsed out at the beginning, if it's a jumbled mess, still sit down and be honest with him. And you may have already done this. If you haven't, please take the time to write out how you feel. Get all those feelings down so that you can see them laid out. They're in an order. And then I want you to draw your boundaries pretty firmly. Here's what I won't accept in my house. Here's what I won't tolerate in the house. And here's who I expect the man that I'm married to be. And then he's going to have to make some decisions. And this

can be a challenging thing and this can be a not challenging thing. This could be just some hard decisions he's got to make and then y'all are going to work together. And then this is just going to be a story. This is just going to be a footnote in the history of your relationship moving forward. And so, I don't want to undermine it and I in the history of your relationship moving forward. And so I don't want to undermine it and I don't want to over sensationalize it. I want to get right direct in the middle of it and deal with it directly. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does.

What I'll tell you is tiptoeing around, holding him hostage with you, right? Addiction at the end of the day is a connection disorder right it is people trying to fill voids relational voids with stuff with things with other chemical processes that are cheap chemical substitutes for the chemicals we get when we are connected with other people and so when folks use harsh uh use they weaponize certain things, man, it just makes things worse. And so all that to say is be vulnerable with him, be clear with him, set really firm boundaries with him, love him. He's your husband, love him, walk alongside him, but you can't do the work for him. He's going to have to make some hard decisions. By the way, here's what some hard decisions might look like. That he doesn't have a computer in the house. That he's got to go through you for the Netflix login. That he has, you know, there's a number of web filters

that will send you everything that he goes to and looks at, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. That you've got unfettered access to his phone. It's going to depend on how serious he is about taking care of himself and keeping your relationship in a good, healthy place. And then you may, as part of this vulnerability conversation, he may talk to you about some things that he struggled with you over the last six or seven years. And y'all will have to be able to hear that and heal your relationship from the floor up, right? And so this is a 360-degree conversation moving forward, but all you can control is you. You can't do the hard work for him. But I do want you to keep the light on in this relationship, man,

because there's a lot of hope at the end of this thing, okay? Okay, yeah. So you've known him for six years. Do you believe him that he wants to stay married, that he wants to have a whole relationship, a whole connection with you, that he wants to be plugged in and make this thing work? I do, yeah. He is committed to seeing a counselor and figuring out how deep this goes. Yeah.

So there's the spelunking expeditions, there's the seeing how deep it goes, and then there's the really um there's the simple behavior stuff right we need some strategies pretty quick right like if he was an alcoholic we wouldn't have alcohol in the house and you would commit to not drinking around him and when friends came over you'd let them know hey guys don't bring beer over the house don't bring whiskey over the house because um because husband clean, right? Or if he was addicted to working too much or addicted to being busy all the time, you'd set some pretty, y'all two would co-create some boundaries together on when at six o'clock I'm coming home no matter what. And if I lose my job, I lose my job, but I'm going to start learning how to invest in my family, learn how to be at home. And so this is similar to that.

There's some deep stuff. You got to get to the roots and all that stuff. But there's also some just behavioral issues that y'all can address right away together. And if it helps to go to the therapist with them, go to a counselor with them, and y'all learn some new strategies together, that would be awesome. That'd be good. Do you want to stay married to this dude? I do. Yeah. Are you sure? Yes. Okay.

Because I hear, there's just something, there's a, I'm trying to think what it is, there's a sense of resignation in your voice, and it may just be because you're nervous because you're on the radio, but there's a sense of resignation in your voice. If he's in, and you're in, I want you to be all fully in. Okay. Someone who's a true addict knows when somebody is not being fully present with them.

And that's what you go chasing that full presence. Okay. Okay. Do you feel good about that? Yeah, I do. Yeah. Okay, good. So tonight, uh, maybe uh maybe not tonight tonight i want you to take time writing this letter uh writing out here's all of my feelings on this and a couple again a couple of places to start i've already mentioned this is just the sexual ethic violation if this violated a commitment y'all had with one another man call that out If this, you're hurt because he kept, he was hurting for six years and he kept that a secret from you, man, call that out. If you are devastated by the secrecy and the deception and the lying, call that out. All those things should be, right? And if there's more to it than that, put everything out in an orderly way. Let him

know how you feel, not in a shameful way, but in an honest, direct way. That's you being vulnerable. And hear him as he responds, as he gives it back to you. And I've got high hopes for your relationship. I want you to let me know how that conversation goes with him. And again, if both of y'all are all in, y'all have a bright future together, Candice. And we'll be thinking about y'all are all in y'all have a bright future together candace um and we'll be thinking about y'all all right so um i don't some people know this some don't we shoot this show

several weeks in advance and so sometimes i'm behind you know something big happens and i can't address it until a few weeks later so today is the day day that our new president, Joe Biden, was inaugurated. He gave a speech today. And by the time this comes out, he'll have been in office for a few weeks. I just want to put this forward. I love being a chameleon when it comes to, hey, who does that guy vote for? And what does he – that's a part of the fun for me. My wife and I don't talk about who we vote for with one another. And I'm a big believer that you can't have a strong position on one side of a discussion unless you could win an argument against yourself on the other side. Taking a one-sided position and just going to war without knowing and understanding and

empathizing with people on other sides of issues. I don't even like the language other side because issues are so circular, man. There's so much going on all the time. I like people not knowing where I stand on a lot of those things. But I will tell you this, this, I feel this in my bones. This is a moment for us. And this is one of those moments when you get to decide, we get to decide who we're going to be and how we're but to kindness and to unity and to saying i'm sorry and to saying hey i don't understand that will you will you help me out um i thought the speech today was extraordinary i thought it was good um i thought it spoke to all sides to everybody everybody's concerns um not everybody's concerns There's all kinds of concerns all over the freaking place.

But it spoke to a full degree of humanity. And now we all have a decision to make. Are we going to disagree with some things that Biden does? Yep. Are we going to agree he didn't go far enough? Yep. Are we going to agree I wouldn't? Yep, yep, and yep, and yep.

And at the end of the day, I got to go back to pumping gas next to my neighbor. I've got to see James in the stinking hallway. Nobody wants to see James in the hallway. Who wants to see James in the hallway? We all have to, right? Not cool, man. Not cool, man. But we're going to have to see one another.

We're going to have to figure this out. So I want you to know I'm all in. I hope you will be all in, too. Let's put down the into. Let's put down the swords. Let's put down the rhetoric. Let's put down the devices and let's figure this out. We got a long way to go. And I'm just telling you, I got a 10 year old and a five year old, and I'm not going to give up on their behalf. And we're going to love each other. And I think what Joe had to say today was just, was extraordinary. It was an excellent way to kick each other. And I think what Joe had to say today was just, was extraordinary.

It was an excellent way to kick it off. And I'm all in. I'm all in on, I hope he wins because if he does well, we all do well. And if we all do well, we're going to pick ourselves up off the pavement where we've been laying for the last little bit. And we are going to see some light at the end of some of these tunnels. So let's go do it together. I'm in.

Hope you're in with me. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Charlie in Indianapolis. Charlie, what is going on? How can I help? Hi, Dr. D. How's it going? We are figuring it out every day. There's people out in the lobby just eating cookies, hanging out.

Yeah. It's good to see. That's good. And then it's just me and you here going for it, Charlie. So what's going on? How can I help? So I'm kind of put myself back out in the dating scene and I've been with this guy for, I don't know, let's say a month now. So before that, so you said you're going back to the dating scene? Were you in a long-term thing? Well, it was five years ago that i was in a relationship and that relationship

kind of ruined me and so i just kind of took time to take care of myself wait hold on what do you mean it ruined you i don't like that language that makes me like you're not ruined you're awesome why did it ruin you um i guess i it just didn't leave me in, in the best version of myself. And I didn't like who I was after I left. You were being cryptic, Charlie, help me out. So what do you mean? Um, well, he, he cheated on me and then, um, I was emotionally invested and I was heartbroken when I found out.

And so, um, yeah, I went, I was depressed for a little while, maybe like I would say like two years or something. But then I came out of it and now I think I'm ready to be in the dating scene again. I think, I think, but I've been with this guy for a month and I just feel a little bit like I'm like suffocating a little now with him. I think maybe because I've just been so used to being alone and independent and doing things on my own time. And so I'm sort of just wondering how I can gently let him know that I'm feeling just a little bit suffocated. Man, Charlie, there's a lot here.

And I don't even know that you know there's a lot here. James, how much time we got? We have a four or five hours we can sit down and talk through this? Probably not. Nope. Okay. So, oh, man. Okay, let me ask you a few more questions, Charlie.

Okay. So, five years ago, y'all broke up or y'all were together for five years, and then you found some stuff out about him. He was cheating on you and you were all in, invested, and it just rattled you to your core. And you didn't like some things about you. I'm just going to infer maybe you made some behavioral decisions. You did some things that you're like, man, that's not me. Or you reacted in some ways, it's just not me.

And now you're coming out of it and you're ready to get back into it, and you're back into it, and you're like, oh, this is not the dude. Is that where we're at? Yeah, I think so, kind of. So give me an example of something when you say, it just wasn't me. What did you do that you look back and go oh geez louise that was not me um but it was you but that's not me but it was you but you know what i mean yeah i think i think one one major difference after that is i just noticed that um

i kept myself a lot more i'm usually a person person that likes to go out and interact with people and meet new people. And so after that, I was just home a lot, sitting in the corner of a room. Oh, man. Yeah, and that was just pretty much it. And my closest friends and family, they noticed that and they pulled me out of it gracefully. And so I think I'm in a good spot now. And with this new guy um I want to give the good parts of me to him but then I'm just a little bit afraid maybe that because he's so good

to me that it's just too good to be I don't know too good to be true maybe okay so that was gonna be my first question is this dude just lame no he's he's amazing actually he's really good um he he's vulnerable with his feelings which is something that i was looking for um he he makes me a priority which is nothing i've ever had before um and he's just he's just overall good and so i don't i don't know if i'm actually feeling suffocated or if i'm just worried that I'm going to become emotionally invested again and then get hurt again. Okay. So that's now it's much, now I've got a more, a much clearer picture. Okay. Okay. So I'm going to tell you a couple of things about your heart

and your brain that is hopefully will give you some peace. Okay? Okay. Number one, you got hurt bad. Is that right? Yeah, it was pretty bad. Okay. So I want you to know that it's brave that you even say that out loud. Good for you. Okay?

You got roasted. You got burned. Okay? And that hurts. And when we get hurt, then our brain remembers that pain, especially deep violations of connected relationships. That's why childhood trauma, when parents abuse their kids or parents neglect their kids, that trauma stays with us forever, unless we do some hard, hard work, because our brain remembers remembers I ain't ever going to hurt like that again. Right?

And so if this is a guy, how old are you? I'm 25. Okay. So this dude you're with for five years, you had plans with him, huh? Yeah, I did. You were looking at furniture in your mind for not leaving the first house, but the second house, right? Yeah. Naming kids and things like that. Okay. So that hurt bad, right? And it wasn't just a breakup

hurt, but it was a violation hurt. And your brain notched that and said, all right, that's never happening again. Cause your brain's job is not to make sure you are happy and that there are snowflakes and rainbows everywhere. it's to make sure you're alive right and so every time from this point forward for a season when you start getting close and it recognizes oh crap she's falling in love it's going to sound the alarms okay okay because it's assuming hey you forgot what happened last time. Genius. We're not doing this again, right? So every time you feel that suffocation feeling, that tightness in your chest, that it's too good to be true, just smile and understand that your brain is just trying to take care of you. Okay?

It's just trying to love you the best way it knows how. And our brains are sometimes really incredible and sometimes they're blunt instruments. Okay. And sometimes you may even need to go, Hey, thank you for taking care of me. I've got it. I appreciate you. Okay. Here's the second thing. When you are, when people get cheated on, especially in a long-term relationship, there's the obvious pain, I lost this relationship. There's the pain of betrayal. Sometimes people, often people stay together and they have to learn how to love again.

They've got to learn how to trust again. And they have to build something new. What people often don't talk about when someone gets cheated on, when someone betrays somebody else like this, is that you lose trust in yourself. You lose trust in Charlie's judgment because you didn't see this coming. You were all in. Had you known, had you seen this coming, you would have protected yourself and you missed it, right? And I'm not saying this is your fault. I'm just saying here's

the narrative that goes in our minds. How could I have not seen that? And then you may even start rewinding the history of your relationship and you start realizing, I did know. I saw that. I didn't want to see it. I saw that. I saw him hide his phone. I saw this. I saw that. And I blocked out of my mind. I didn't want to see it. And then you start beating yourself up, but there's this loss of trust in yourself, right? And you sound like someone who is super lucky that you, not lucky, you've worked hard to cultivate awesome friends around you. Is that right? You got a good squad that runs with you? Yes. They always tell me straight up what's wrong. That's so good, man. Yeah. That's a gift. Man, nurture that. Nurture that forever.

Friends are everything. But here's what you have to do. You have to learn to trust yourself again. And you only can learn to do that by practicing, right? By leaning into those really uncomfortable moments. And so here's the hard truth I'm going to give you. You ready? Yeah, I'm ready. This guy may be incredible.

You may have had a disastrous, heartbreaking relationship and you may be ready to get back on the horse or back in the wagon. I don't know any non-West Texas references here. Back on the Harley. I don't know what happens in Indianapolis, but whatever. But you may be ready to get back on, and then your first – the first rattle out of the bag, the first game, he's the one. You're 25. You found him, and it's going to be it forever. Or, Charlie, he may cheat on you. He may suck. And here's why I'm telling you that.

I'm not telling you that to be mean. I'm telling you this. All relationships, 100% of them are a risk. They're a risk. They're scary. And that's what makes them hard, and that's what makes them so incredibly important for us. And so you're going to have to lean into that risk. You're going to have to lean into that unknown.

You're going to have to let your brain know, hey, I know this could happen again. I'm going to walk. I'm going to take the lessons that I learned last time. I'm going to be open and vulnerable with this new guy. And it turns out he's a dweeb. He's a dork, man. Then I'm out, right? And listen to your body.

If you're like, dude, you're suffocating me, man. Quit texting me me weirdo then tell him that right you can tell him okay if you start thinking this guy's incredible i'm not ready yet let him know that and you don't have to be ready you know whose timetable you're on nobody's just yours okay okay there's no rules to this deal other than you be honest and vulnerable and you be true to yourself and then however you move forward is however you move forward

okay you, my new sister Charlie are in full full control okay of the story of the narrative of the potential of getting hurt again and the potential of being loved and loved and loved and loved. And love is a risk and it's hard and it's scary and it's so, so good.

What do you think? No crying on my show Charlie just kidding I'm crying tears of good confirmation because I think I know all that and it's just good to hear from someone else that

isn't in my circle that maybe I'm just not lying to myself or fooling myself because these people just want to please me or who I am but I appreciate that hey listen I appreciate lying to myself or fooling myself because these people just want to please me or who I am. But I appreciate that. Hey, listen, I appreciate you for being brave. I appreciate you for being bold and for listening to your body and not ignoring your heart and also not being afraid to push through when it gets real scary.

And listen, you know who needs to hear this? This guy. Yeah. Does he know that you were in a five-year relationship and that guy cheated on you and things got messy and you got your heart broken? Does he know this? No, he doesn't. Yeah. So maybe you'd be vulnerable at some point and let him know. Okay. You know you, like, you know what I mean? Think of it this way. If one time you were training for a marathon and you stepped off the curb accidentally and broke your ankle, and then you went through,

you just spent a season not running because you got to let your leg heal, and then you went to rehab, and then you started jogging around the block, and then you joined a runner's group, you'd probably let them know, hey, listen, I'm going to do the best I can with what I've got.

I've got to get back in shape. This whole thing's new, and I don't trust my new leg yet, my rehabbed ankle yet. I'm going to have to build some trust in it. And some people in that group are like, well, forget you, bro. I'm taking off. I'm getting my super marathon time. But a big chunk of that group would be like, sweet, you run with us, right? Okay.

And it's just learning to step on that, on that ankle until you know, it's strong, you know, it's good. And you've got good friends. I can tell on the phone, you've got like a Indianapolis size heart. I don't even know how big that is. I was going to say Texas size heart, but I don't know you that well, but you have an Indianapolis size heart. You're made of gold and somebody is going to be lucky to have you in their life, and it's okay to go slow. Okay. And I'll tell you this. You have blessed me today, Charlie.

I appreciate you calling and being vulnerable, and trust your heart and trust your body, trust your friends, and most importantly, trust you. All right, so as we wrap up today's show, man, I was thumbing through some old, I have these awesome devices that I listen to music on called CDs. You should have seen James' face when I asked him, hey, will you burn this song onto an MP3 and burn it onto a CD? And he looked at me like, hey, man, can I borrow your horse for the weekend so I can ride to the marketplace? I still listen to CDs. I don't have one of those fancy wires in my truck CD player, in my truck radio, whatever. And I was going through my CDs over the weekend and man, I found this old song. This is one of the best songs ever written of all time. And I listened to it on repeat over and over. Look it up on Spotify.

It's incredible. By the way, we made a Spotify playlist. It's the John Deloney playlist. You can go to it. It's official. It's got the songs from the show on it. Some of them I've not put in there because they weren't great, but most of them are all in there. This is one of the greatest songs of all time. It's by one of my favorite singer-songwriters. Her name is Erin McCowan, and this is from her Distillation record back in 2000. And the name of the song is called Fast As I Can. And she writes, tonight woke I in a strange bed, a strange bedfellow strange, said to me, oh, you'll be all right. You'll be all right. And I said to it, success, I didn't recognize you at first, but then I said to it, success, you don't look the way I've dreamed of you. The way I've dreamed of you. Well, not

strange, said success, to find me here tonight. It's not strange, said success. So what say you to a bargain? You and I, success in life. What say you to a bargain? You and I, success. And success, it said to me, forget about the beds of middle America. You don't need the fat of the man. Why don't you sleep with me tonight? That's all you've got to do to make it. And we'll die as fast as we can. Well, I said to success, I couldn't love you if I tried.

Well, I said to it, success, I couldn't love you if I've tried. And I've tried and I've tried and I've tried. Something about success that lies. Aaron. Something about success that lies in a strange bed next to me. This has been, I love that song. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.