The Dr. John Delony Show - My Girlfriend Doesn’t Know I Take Meds to Have Sex

Episode Date: November 12, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A man wondering how to tell his girlfriend the truth about his medications A woman struggling to feel attractive as she ages A young mom wondering how to talk to her kids about homelessness Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch ❤️ Getaway with your spouse today!   Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to Cove Smart and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.     Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in marriage getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at $749 a couple. Get yours at ramsysolutions.com slash getaway. I've met a 62-year-old woman, and if I can just be frank, she and I have. marathon intimate time. First, you roll into my house and say I'm 62 and I have

marathon sex for hours and that you take a couple of Seattle. Yeah. Where are you feeling dishonest? What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show taking your calls from Nashville, Tennessee. I'm in Nashville. You a amazing men and women are writing and calling it from all over the planet. We talk about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. My promise is I'll pull up a seat and I'll sit with you and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. Let's go out to Charleston, South Carolina and talk to brother Bruce. What's up, Bruce?

Hello, doctor. How are you? I'm good, man. How are you? I'm perfectly well. I'm very nervous. I feel very privileged to talk to you, although I'm extremely. extraordinarily embarrassed.

Ah, man. Your feelings are all real and you're allowed to have them. I'll just tell you, I'm glad that you're here. It's just you and me and several million people listen again. So it's all good, man. What's up? Okay, thank you. I'm a 62-year-old widower with no children.

After my wife passed away in 2020, I needed to come to Vanderbilt there in Nashville for a heart and kidney transplant, which I eventually got. And I haven't started dating until, you know, about five years after her passing. Hold on. So after your wife passed away, you had to go through a heart transplant all by yourself?

A heart and kidney transplant. Oh, my gosh. And both organs had to come from one person. Wow. How are you doing right now? I am perfect. That's perfect can be. A, I wish more people describe themselves as perfect.

That's awesome. Yeah, yes. I can't imagine. I don't like doing a cold with, like going through a cold without my wife. I can't imagine grieving and then having to go through that at the same time all alone, man. Yes. I was very fortunate because I'm a veteran. So the VA, as soon as my wife was diagnosed, I started counseling to process, you know, the eventual loss of her.

Good deal. Did you have some good last years together? I was counseling for three years. Did you have some good last years together? We did. Awesome. Awesome. And with no children, you know, I just sat here in our house, the night that she passed,

and I just sat next to her as she breathed her last. And then I took care of all of her final wishes the way she wanted. I planted a tree in the graveyard as she asked me to do, and that's what I did for her. Dude, you're the man, brother. That's awesome. Yeah. Thanks for sharing that, man. That's a beautiful, that's a beautiful image and a beautiful story of a really gnarly time, man.

Thanks for sharing that. Thank you. So how can I help you today, my man? Well, I'm extraordinarily honest, and I've met a very beautiful, very loving, a 62-year-old woman here in Charleston who also doesn't have any children. She's divorced for about 15 years, and I've fallen in love with her. And if I can just be frank, when we began our enemy, I find that she and I have what I call marathon intimate times, where it's several hours,

which she very much enjoys, but the bit of dishonesty that I'm struggling with is there are times, more times than not, that I have to take a couple of Cialis pills in order to do this with her, and I have not told her I have been completely honest and open with every other aspect of my life but I feel disingenuous by not saying to her you know she says

that I make her feel very beautiful which she absolutely is I love her a lot and so I feel very fortunate to have found her she's a very accomplished person financially and in her career hold on hold on brother hold on you're going on a side trail okay first you roll into my house

and say, I'm 62, and I have marathon sex events for hours. Yes, yes. And that you take a couple of Seattle's. Yes. Where are you feeling dishonest? Because I, she doesn't know that I'm, she knows that I take a boatload of pills to protect my transplanted organs. But she doesn't know that sometimes those pills, you know, are the Seattle's pills.

I mean, this is me being. kind as I can, but so what? Why do you feel like you're cheating her? What I fear is, what I fear is if she finds out, or if I find the courage to say to her, I'm taking these on more than a few occasions when we're together.

I don't want her to feel less, you know, like I need them because she's less attractive or I love her less. I feel like... So here's a thing. Number one, you're 62. You've got to get that out of your head, man. Okay?

You're 62. Yes, I am. Those... You're not 18 is what I'll say. Okay? No. You're not 25. You're 62.

I didn't need them when I was 26, but I am 62 and I have... That's what I'm saying. Okay? I have helped you that I still have to manage. Be really grateful that you live in a sliver of history when this is possible. Okay? Yeah. That's number one.

Number two, you are a couple of... creating stories and about a potential future mishap. Yeah. And you are dragging those stories back into your present and experiencing the heartbreak, the frustration, the embarrassment in real time. If you care about this person, you said you're falling in love with this person,

you have a great time with this person, this person is accomplished and I don't care about, their accomplishments but that is a signal to me that they are able to critically think they they can work through challenge like all that stuff like you you saying this i i can't wrap my head around there's any sort of deception whatsoever at all like you don't explain to her which pills or which to keep you breathing every day i do not no he just knows like when i Come to her house, I have a big bag of medicine, and I take them twice a day, and that's all she knows.

Here's the bigger thing. The bigger thing that's troubling me is that you say you love this person, you're willing to have, as you put marathon, physically intimate, like, I don't even know the right word, without being crass. Like, just get it on time. Yeah. But you don't feel safe enough to, like, who cares about the medication? There's a secret that you have that you don't feel safe enough to say out loud.

And I don't care if that secret is my wife of however many years used to wear those red dresses. Next time we go out, could you not wear a red dress? I see. Or, hey, I love coming over here and being with you. I never thought I would say these words, but I don't get married. I'll spend the rest of my life with you. I want us to just get old and right or die together. Or I take a medication.

I'm just embarrassed about it. I just want to put it on the table. Or whatever I eat, whenever I go to a ball game and I eat hot dogs, I get gas. I mean, y'all are past that physically. Y'all are past that relationally. But something in your, like you've anchored a flag there that somehow you're less than. Or worse, somehow, because you're 62 years old. And the plumbing is different than it used to be, that she is going to interpret that, not from the, like, factually, but she's going to create a story in her head.

Like, man, there's, let me say it this way. There's enough craziness in the world. Don't create yet another story about somebody you have a great relationship with. I really appreciate that because I had been feeling prior to. hearing what you just said that I'm walking around in my house while she's at work. I'm not allowed to work anymore, but she's still in the workforce. So I'm kind of bumping around in my house, creating roadblocks to a woman that I absolutely want to marry and spend the rest of whatever years I have left with someone who wants the same.

And I should just be open to that possibility and not worry about that. the rest. I just, I'm very honest and I have felt not saying anything about this particular aspect of my life that I've been dishonest by keeping it to myself. Can I challenge you on something? I'm sorry. Can I challenge you on something? Yes, sir. I may be completely out to lunch here, okay? So just imagine you and me out here in Nashville, there's a grad taco shop right across the street from Vanderbilt, okay? Okay. Just imagine us, too, sitting there having chips and case, okay?

Yes. Is there a possibility that you got married once and you had a ride or die? And she left. She passed away. Could it also be the scariest thing besides somebody leaving? is when your own body fails you. You can't count on your own heart. What else can you count on?

Is there a possibility that you're afraid if I go all in on this thing, she might pass away on me too or my body may fail her to? And so we're just going to create stories to keep a little bit of space between this amazing woman and this amazing guy

who had this amazing relationship because I've been through hell I've been through pain before and your body's saying hey we know what happens if you fall in love we know what happens if you get a forever person it ends in heartache and painless stay away

and so you pace your house you pace your apartment wherever you live repeating stories responding to stories how many times let me ask you this how many times have you been down a rabbit hole in your mind? About some... More times than I care to count.

Okay, but you're down this rabbit hole and then you see this girlfriend of yours? Yes. And she is... She's the son. She is. And you realize, oh, I was way off. Yeah.

She can't wait to see you when she lights up when she sees you. Yes. So what I'll tell you is this. Rumination. feels like productive thinking it feels like and especially for my friends um who are veterans yeah they were trained to foresee anything that could happen and reverse engineer a plan just in case yeah and they get out of the service and they come home and they start ruminating imagining worst

case scenarios everywhere and trying to come up with the plan for all of it and you can't do that with that many variables and friends and work and family and and and and and and, oh, by the way, you have to have a heart transplant and a kidney transplant, and you've got to go through it alone because your wife passed away. Yeah. And so, well, I'll tell you,

it's rumination never solves any problems. It feels like productive thinking. It feels like you're practicing a future solution to a thing. It's not. What it's doing is making your present miserable. And so my challenge to you is... Absolutely.

I don't want that. I know. I know. I totally get that. Can I tell you, a couple of tricks for that, not tricks, but solutions for that? Yes, sir, please. Okay.

I want you to sit down with your girlfriend. How long have you all been together? Six or seven months so far. Okay. I want you to say, there's some big things on my heart. And I have tried to protect you. I've tried to protect me. And I just want to have a time of openness.

Is that cool? And probably, she's pretty, sounds pretty awesome. go sure go for it and you can say what you want about i really care about you and i take 500 pills a day you know that i'm 62 years old a couple of those pills are cealis and i have told myself this this is important i've told myself this story that you won't like me if you knew that and here's what you're going to do, you're going to head straight into this fear. And I'm almost willing to, I could be wrong.

And by the way, if she looks at you and goes, oh my gosh, gross, you're the worst, you have dodged a bullet like the Matrix, my friend. Yes. But I'm almost confident she will smile and say, honey, you're 62. Yes, she will. I know her well enough to know that that will be her reaction.

Okay. And that all my fears are all self-induced. Okay, the only way through them is through them. Okay. And then, as you come up with other stories, because your body's going to try to protect you from close, intimate relationships, because it remembers when your wife passed. Yeah. It remembers when the doctor said, your body is failing you from the inside out. Yeah.

Your body's not broken. It's just trying to keep you safe, man. And what you have to constantly practice is, at one time, it wasn't safe, but it is now. And so when I get those stories that I start to ruminate on, I'm going to. going to write them down. I'm going to get them out of my body, and I'm going to ask one question. Is this true? And I think you factually know she would, if you told her a couple of those pills or Seattle, she'd probably laugh, probably give you a hug. She might say, thank God. Right? Is that fair?

I'm certain she wouldn't, she wouldn't care less about any of it. It's just, it's just me. Okay. So I want you to hear me say you're not broken, not something wrong with you. Thank you. Your body's just trying to keep you safe. And, and by the way, can I applaud you for being a 62-year-old guy who went to the doctor about ED? Most men don't, and that's why I take so many sexless marriages calls on the show. People calling in because guys don't have the courage to go to the doctor. Thank you for that.

I'm proud of you, man. That's a big step. Here's the next thing. Can I throw one other thing at you? Absolutely. the the largest number of STI I have to just say this a man

okay okay and again if you could see me talking you'd see me with a smile on my face okay okay but also I'm being serious if the largest number of people who are diagnosed with STIs sexually transmitted infections

they used to call them STDs when you're kids is obviously young people but there is a surge of people 55 and older because of these medications because people are hooking up later and longer i see why do i tell you this if you love this woman go make this woman your wife and y'all right off into the sunset together and go until you all have no tread left on the tires and dude i just got to say you've been through it and your body's going to try to protect you that doesn't mean there's something

wrong with you and man it sounds like you're a good man so thank you for being a good man and wanting to always be honest and integrity. I don't see this as an integrity moment at all. I see this as you trying to protect yourself because, man, you're about to really go all in on loving this person if you haven't already. And that means you can get hurt really bad again. And that fear is real. I'm going to tell you, man, buckle up and head right through it. Go marry this lady. Y'all are 62. Clock's ticking. Let's go create an amazing fourth quarter. When we come back, a woman is struggling to believe her husband still finds her attractive as they've grown older. All right, I know it's not just me.

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What's up, Elizabeth? Hey. What's up? I don't know. This is pretty crazy. It's crazy for me, too. Oh, yeah, right. What's going on? I'm just surprised. I don't feel like my issues are nearly as big as a lot of stuff you guys are taking care of.

So I'm surprised. Listen, I'm willing to talk to me today. Pain and concern and fear, it's not a sum zero game. Everybody's hurt is their hurt. And everybody's concerns are their concerns. I'm just grateful that you called. Well, thanks for talking to me. Yeah, so should I just give you the question

and then you can ask me what background you want? Get on the high dive, tuck your knees, and cannonball. Jump all the way in. Okay. I'll warn you, I didn't think you'd choose it. I kind of just sent it out into the universe thinking it would stop bothering me if I actually admitted it out loud. So this is not something I talk about a lot.

Very cool. Um, no, I just, uh, you know, Kelly has a knack for finding people who are really vulnerable. And she's like, yeah, let's get them. It's her superpower. Kick them while they're down. No, I'm just kidding. No, it's awesome.

All right. Go for it. Um, yeah. So, um, you know, I've had a really blessed life. Um, I have an amazing husband who, um, he's honor, integrity, like all the things he loves me. We've had a happy marriage. He's my favorite person in the whole world. and he tells me the truth

and we have a really good marriage and for whatever reason I just have a hard time believing him when he tells me he's attracted to me and I don't not believe any other time but for whatever reason

I'm convinced that being a man of integrity or a man of honor he's going to honor our marriage And so he's going to tell me what's going to be nice to hear or something. I don't know. So.

That's hard to say out loud, isn't it? Yeah. I've got a hypothesis. Can I throw it out there? Yeah. Is this one particularly hard to hear when he says, I think you're beautiful? Or you hear me say all the time on the show, behavior is a language

when he wants to still be with you after all the years y'all have been together I sleep with you still wants to like be intimate with you right because

you don't think you are oh absolutely and so when he says I think you're beautiful or when he kisses you or holds you tight or wants to make love with you in your mind

one of you has to be wrong one of you has to be the liar here yeah because you so deeply believe you're not beautiful anymore see it's it's crazy because i like so we we have six kids my body's been through it and uh i'm not worried about stretch marks or anything like that but i have like 30 pounds on me like not a lot of weight but like weight I don't want and um he uh you know he he says he doesn't mind right he doesn't care he understands but um when we got married I was 19 it was cute and like you know thin and all that and I'm I'm not uptight about a lot of the things about my body but man that weight when you get it close to 40 just doesn't come off the way it used to. And all of a sudden, I don't look quite as

young. I'm not carded anymore when I go into restaurants, right? Like, just stupid stuff. But, um, yeah, I just, I feel like I'm aging and I don't look old and I don't think I'm ugly and I don't think I'm huge. Like there are so many other people that I look around me and I'm like, oh, they're actually, they look really cute in their clothes and they're heavier than me, right? But I just, I don't think you're lovable. You think you've done something wrong. I feel like I've let him down. Yeah, where does that story come from?

You've given him six amazing kids, and he loves you to death. Like, I would take on the world for you. He would. Um Here's the story Here's the story Arca most interested in Why do you believe

that 30 pounds Is the difference between Worthy of being loved Or letting down my husband I don't know I feel like I mean So obviously I've been

Since I wrote it I've been thinking a lot about it Because I actually admitted it To something And then Kelly found it Immediately. I was surprised by that. But when I, when I've been thinking about it, I mean, I immediately, when I was told that you would talk to me, I immediately called him and said, hey, this is something I did and I'm going to have this phone call. And he was like, well, I love you and I think you're beautiful and go get some help. Like he was totally supportive and he didn't tease me about it or anything. And so, yeah, he's wonderful. But I think, looking at, like, my whole life.

And you are, too. I feel like my whole life I've been, if I'm being honest, especially after having kids and, like, seeing all the different personalities, I actually have been very naturally talented or blessed in a lot of ways. I was probably above-average intelligence. I was above-average in the sport I participated in. But that meant that I was always put in the smart class or in the competitive team, and then I was not the best there.

And so I had this view of me always, like, just trying to catch up. And I don't know. I've just always felt like I was clawing to prove that I was good enough to be wherever I was. Are you tired? I'm exhausted. That sounds exhausting. Yeah. But then I just think, oh, it's just being a mom or whatever,

because I actually homeschooled them all since COVID. It just kind of, that's how we needed to do things. And so, yeah, I'm on tap all the time for all six of them. When's the last time you went and hung out with your girlfriends, just you? actually my mom just planned one last weekend and it was amazing but then i was stressed the whole time about my you know leaving my family behind okay this is going to sound bananas but you're going to have to practice not being codependent you that what i am well it i don't like the labels of your co you've you've got some sort of codependency

order. I'm not going to say that. I'm saying your actions are this. Yeah. Or what's inside your chest is, I need my kids to be okay, for me to be okay. And nobody can help them be okay more than I can be okay. So the story, the loop you get on is, I need to sacrifice everything, laughter, joy, connectivity, friends, community, movement, exercise. like just saying y'all take care of yourselves I'm relaxing right now you sacrifice all of that for this ever moving finish line

of now they're going to be okay and you dump that on your husband because my guess is it was like I'm going to be a great mom I'll quit my intellectual pursuits and be a stay-at-home mom not one kid not five kids six kids I'm going to be with you

sexually, I'm going to be with you emotionally. I'm going to do all these things. And he is super grateful. Like he's beside himself. He knows how lucky he is. And yet you keep moving the bar for yourself. Oh, well, now he's not happy because I got 30 pounds. Now he's not happy. And my guess is you were, there was something else about you before this. Yeah, probably. Seems reasonable. I think that's probably part of why I wrote into the show was because now that I have teen girls

like I don't like the way I feel and I don't want them to be like this because I tell them all the time like your value has nothing to do with the way you look I know but they know that's not true yeah and I'm worried about that okay let that worry

pulse through you okay it's a real worry and like the other day I took my son out for breakfast and I said hey I need you to hear me directly I have set a terrible example in this house because I walk in through our back through the garage and I drop my stuff right there my jackets my bag whatever I got in my hands I usually have two yeties in my hands like I just drop them and I said I've shown you a bad example of what being respectful of this house is your mom puts a lot of work in here and i just come and drop it

i said i have to change my actions and i'm gonna call i'm asking you to call me out and i'm asking you to call me out that that's how you fix this stuff is just sit down and say i've given you this image yeah and then you're going to have to practice y'all are on your own i'm going to hang out with my girlfriends on monday nights I'm going to go see a counselor and pull the thread on where are these stories coming from that I'm not lovable, that I'm not, not beautiful in the aesthetic sense, but I don't have any beauty, worthy of people being around. You think you're a burden to your husband. I think I'm a burden to most people. Right.

And with all due respect and love in the world, that's madness. It's not a true story. I think that's what's frustrating is that I know it's not but I can't help myself to change Okay, so I It was about a year ago now

I asked my counselor The woman I see here in Nashville I need help And I put my hand on my chest I need help knowing, feeling And I pointed to my head Would I know to be factually true And she smiled and said

That's the longest walk you'll ever take And I was like, I know but I got to do it. And that's you walking in to a counselor and saying, I understand that the feelings I'm having are not reflecting the reality with which I live. And that usually means either childhood trauma or that means that your body is sensing

scary things in the present. And you are trying desperately to keep everybody around you okay and safe and you're spinning up stories as to why you feel the way you feel. And there's something about dropping your shoulders and say, And on the days I don't feel like it, I'm going to trust you.

And I'm going to start practicing saying out loud or even writing in a journal, today is three things I want. And that's not selfish? No. Why would that be selfish? Where'd you hear that story? That you taking care of you as selfish? well no i think i you know i i try to take care of myself but are you a christian yeah do you remember

the story where jesus got away from everybody to go pray yeah yeah there's time when to work all in you got six kids you're on the clock all the time you have a husband who still thinks you're beautiful and still wants to be with you you're on the clock all the time and i'm saying that with sarcastically you know yeah and yet there's times i'm pulling away i'm going out on the lake with my buddies i'm going to sleep i'm going to pull away all by myself y'all keep watch i'm going to go pray no it's not selfish it's putting your oxygen mask on first so you can go do the next hard thing i think i being married young

it was very much about making sure that, and he made sure I got my degree, too. I have my bachelor's, but he did advanced degrees, and that meant that I was having kids and staying home with them while he was doing the late nights and the long hours and stuff. He went through medical school and residency and all that together. Yes, I've always felt like I was sacrificing for our greater good. And I promise you He thinks the same thing Yeah

And so both of y'all have competing stories That's actually the same story That could unify y'all in an amazing way Because he works crazy hours And has a crazy job Taking care of hurting people Nobody comes to see them When they're having a good day

That's accurate And he has to deal with all of the medical establishment which is an utter chaos right now and insurance. All he does, all that. And the story he tells himself is, I'm sacrificing myself for this amazing, beautiful wife of mine and my six awesome kids. Oh, I'm sure that's what he's telling himself. And you wake up every day and say,

I've got intellectual pursuits, I don't have any adult friends, I miss folks. It's so bad that my mom had to plan a trip, right? And I'm sacrificing myself for the kids. and what happens is you run parallel to each other you become amazing co-managers of the household instead of realizing we both are trying as hard as we can we're giving pieces of ourselves for the other person

the other person saying that's not I just need you and you're saying I need you and he's saying I need you and it's coming back and saying hi my name is Elizabeth I love you I'm really struggling with body image these days I'm really struggling with the story I've made up that you don't love me that I'm not pretty anymore you still like me

you want to build a new amazing marriage with me I may want to go back to school one day I want to get a graduate graduate degree we make enough money can we hire us like it's beginning to put some of that stuff on the table and him saying I don't want to work so many hours anymore I miss you I'm missing no kids I miss you and it gives everybody permission to put these things on the table.

But I guess I want to tell you, man, you're not broken, you're not a burden to that guy. You're amazing. 30 pounds doesn't disqualify you from being beautiful, from being worthy, being loved, from being an amazing mom and wife and woman and friend and daughter.

And at the same time, the truth is your kids or your daughters are watching this is what this this is what loving like being a person being being an adult looks like and it's cool to take them out and say hey i'm i've fallen into a trap where for some reason i don't think i'm beautiful anymore and i'm done with that story i'm gonna get i'm gonna do some work with some people and maybe it wasn't your parents maybe it wasn't childhood great it's awesome but you're worthy of being loved, my friend. I'm really grateful that you're called.

Now the work begins, day one. When we come back, a mom wonders how to explain homelessness and addiction to her young kids. We'll be right back. All right, team, I'm excited to tell you about a brand new sponsor for this show, Cove. Cove is an affordable DIY home security company that has one mission.

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Visit covesmart.com and use my code Delonia at checkout for up to, get this, 80% off your first order. That's cove, C-O-V-E, covesmart.com, and use code Deloney at checkout. All right, Toronto, Ontario. Let's talk to Clara. What's up, Clara? Hi there.

Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for having me call in. You got it. What's going on? well i'm a mom to two two young kids a preschooler and a baby so i'm hoping that i've i've called in time to set this outright can i just stop you whatever you're calling about you have plenty of time thank you have a toddler and a baby you've got a long runway sister so i would love to get your perspective on how to talk to my kids about homelessness

and some of the factors maybe like addiction that that contribute uh to to that reality for some of our community members. Yeah. Great question. So tell me about your community. Yeah, so my husband and I just moved our kids to the downtown core of Toronto. So it's a really big city.

It's really vibrant and dynamic. There's people from all walks of life. We've really enjoyed the transition. There's tons of restaurants and festivals. And the other side to it, the heartbreaking reality of it is that more of that community of homelessness, people who are unhoused or experiencing homelessness is much more evident now that we're in the downtown core.

And we do a lot of walking with our kids. And so every day we're passing by someone who is on the street. And so far my three-year-old, the sort of most that I've heard from her is, oh, that man is sleeping on the bench. And my response was, yes, he is. And so I'm just wondering when and how to talk to my kids, about this and yeah I would love love your insight I don't have any literature on this I can only speak from what we've done my wife and I have done with our kids okay okay um and I want to frame this

because my dad was a homicide detective in a huge city in Houston Texas right um and the perspective he taught me at a very young age was very counter to any political argument I've ever heard in my life ever. Okay. And essentially, whether he's talking about someone who was struggling with homelessness,

he was talking about someone who'd committed a murder, someone who was, like, on trial. Like, we talked about that a lot. He was very open with me growing up. And the chief lesson I walked away with is that person that you see, whatever you call, say is a they,

that guy those people you're about two or three or four decisions away be very humble yeah and be very kind and this is from a Texas homicide detective okay because he would meet these folks and realize oh my gosh but for two situations that are different I'm that guy yeah And so what we've done, so I'm, like, I don't have a political bent on this. I've, I know some of the data. I've done some personal, like, ethnographic, qualitative research on some of the rural popular. Like, I know that peripherally, I'm just going to be direct about, here's what we do in my

house. The first thing with my kids, since they were, since they were zero, very, very young, is humanized folks. That means you have to get involved and serve these people. people because they have names and they've got stories. And so I wanted my kids to see not just a guy sleeping on a bench, but a guy that had a dad and a mom at one point. Maybe he's got brothers and sisters.

And when somebody has a name, it opens up to, yeah, that person may be very, very sick. And that sick instead of coughing sick, and again, if you're talking to a three- or four-year-old, instead of coughing sick, that sick is inside their mind. And they really struggle. and one of the unfortunate things about our world is there's not a ton of resources for people with that kind of sick. Imagine not being able to go to the doctor

when you were sick. And what it will do is challenge you and your spouse to come up with, what's our house going to look like? Yeah. So for instance, we participate, like my local church here participates in something called Room at the End

where during the winter, the local church is in now, Nashville, Tennessee have beds, mattresses all through their buildings. And homeless folks come spend the night there. And we have meals, but more than meals, we hang out, play games, laugh. And it was a shock to me as a guy who lives in this, like, is invested at this, how one night, one morning I woke up and all six of the quote, quote, homeless guys that had stayed with us were at work. They left at five o'clock to catch their shift, right? So it told, it just tells a different story. Now my son's old enough that he can come spend the night with us, too.

my daughter comes and she'll be a part of the meal part right and so it's just finding places and then my wife and my daughter make bags with water and socks and gloves like things like that we don't tell anybody about that this first time I'm ever talking about this but I want my kids are always seeing

hey that's like that's somebody's dad that somebody's brother yeah yeah right and so it's finding ways to get involved and humanize them and then not shy away from your own personal heartache. Mom, that's so sad. Yes, it is.

It breaks my heart. And kids will call us out. Well, why do we have, we have all these extra rooms. Can they come stay here? Right? And out of the mouth of kids, man, kids tell the truth. And so it's addressing some of those things head on. And I want to, I used to, one of my things for my students when I was a college professor was,

I couldn't solve anything. Like I was a professor, right? But what I always wanted is I never wanted my students who left my class to ever be able to drive through a neighborhood again and not see it. And that's it. Yeah, we have already noticed within days of being in such a busy place, how far removed you immediately become. Right. You're on your walks. You're doing your thing.

And suddenly you don't notice it anymore. And that's also really scary. Yeah. I don't ever want a person to become a crack in the sidewalk. exactly right and so it starts with you and your husband saying as for our house us too yeah if this matters to us and i'm assuming because you're calling that it does matter right then what is one small thing we can do to get involved is there a local organization and if you're not a person of faith there's there's there's five million nonprofits in these cities where's a thing

we can invest our time in that then becomes the story mommy where are you going daddy and i you know that man that was sleeping on the bench? Yes, ma'am, your daddy and I are going to help him out. Yeah. What do you mean? Well, he doesn't have a house to sleep, and he doesn't have any food, so we're going to go make sure he's got a meal tonight. Why doesn't he have any food?

I'll talk to you about that when I get home. Yeah. And we're going to begin gently those conversations. But kids, my friend Rachel Cruz says more is caught and is taught. They're going to learn by how you and your husband either go, ugh, or if they ask for more, you. money you turn your nose up or pretend they're not there your kids will learn to pretend people aren't there yeah or if you if you look them in the eye and say you don't have any cash i'm so

sorry man i don't have any cash but my name's john what's your name dude it's an honor to get to meet you today and you walk on your kids will pick that up too it's a really great reminder yeah um if i can just go a little bit further than is there an age or stage where if they haven't asked you want to make sure you bring things up um like this. My wife and I, again, this is the path we have taken. Um, when they were very young, and I would say 10 or younger, nine or younger, um, we tried to let our actions do all of the talking. Yeah. And so conversations about sex, about mental illness, about, um, violence, right? Um, those kind of things, I want my kids to see me weep when somebody dies. Yeah. And I haven't

shielded them from that my unfortunately i think will feral humor still the funniest humor on the planet and so i've had to explain when i make a joke my wife's like all right your dad's going to explain that to you all so like talking about sex has never been a taboo thing in our house and so it was never only now that they're getting older are we pulling them aside and saying hey this is what a period like you've heard us talk about periods this is what this actually means what's going to feel like right and or like obviously i'm not having that conversation but um or i'm taking my son out to talk about x y or z right so we like to let our actions when the kids are young do the talking and let them and communicate there's never a question you cannot ask us and then as they get older it's

less about why is that guy there because by the time they're six seven and eight they already know about that guy because mom and dad go every week or every other week to serve in the soup kitchen and that guy's Jeff yeah right and when Jeff's angry we step away because that's real I don't want to be like it's not all roses

if you work with anything with homeless it can be tough and there's some harsh realities to all that but that's the way we do it and then as they get older about very specific things but we've tried to cultivate

we haven't done it perfectly obviously we've tried to cultivate a healthy field that our kids can plan any seeds they want and ask anything that they want. But most of it is, I want them to see us living by action. I love that. Thank you for that. Can I just tell you, thank you for being a, A, a concerned citizen.

Homelessness is like, as inflation goes up, housing prices goes up, homelessness is going up more and more and more. And thank you for being a person who doesn't just point a finger at a homeless person and say, oh, it's your, like, right, thank you for being that person. But also thank you for caring about the world your kids are growing up, in and your actions and kindness will teach them the kind of citizen they can become. I love that and, and, you know, it's just, it's, the world feels really daunting when I myself and sort of still grappling with my own understanding of these kind of issues. So it's hard to know,

what am I passing on to my kids and making sure I'm doing that with kindness and compassion for everyone involved. So are you a, um, what's your educational background? more in the sciences i have a doctorate and okay can i tell you how i knew to ask that um you like me and my wife was dr deloni before me we were trained to think very carefully and deeply and thoughtfully about something before we put any sort of action into the world yeah and what i want to tell you is raising kids is the exact opposite do the next right thing

and then be willing to say, I was wrong on that one. Right. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And so let your actions be the guy. You are not going to intellectually solve this problem. It's plagued humanity.

But you can make a really powerful different to Jeff. Yeah. The guy who's got schizophrenia and they kicked him out because he doesn't have any more money. Yeah. You can make a huge difference in the life of Susan, who's, if she told you her story, you would just start sobbing

because it's so awful. You can give her a hot meal. You may not even change her situation, but she's going to eat tonight because me and my husband got involved. And your kids are going to see that sort of heart and mind. And then if you want to become a sociologist,

you can go on the rabbit hole. But I wrote a second dissertation. I don't recommend it. It's not a great idea. But thank you for having such a beautiful heart and spirit about you that really encourages me in a time when things feel like

they're getting dim. People like you out there saying like, I want to hold a light out here and I got two kids. I want to make sure I hold as much light as I can. Thank you for being, for being that kind of mom. Kudos to you. We'll be right back. All right. We are way into fall right now and you probably know I'm a pumpkin spice guy. Just kidding. Pumpkin spice is disgusting. Nobody should drink it. But I am a guy who loves the fall, but I got to be honest about it. I got so much going. on. I got stuff with family. I got stuff with school, stuff with work, holidays, and I know you do too. In a season that already tends towards anxiety and exhaustion, sleep is super critical right now. That's why I can't stop telling you about Helix mattresses. When people

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Go to Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash Deloni, and tell them you heard about it right here on this show. With Helix Better Sleep starts right now. All right, we're back. We've got a money-in-marriage question. If you want to come to the best marriage retreat on the planet, we got one on sale right now. This show launches in November.

That one will be sold out by now. But we have one, Valentine's Day weekend. If there's still tickets left when you get this, you can go to ramsysolutions. com slash getaway and get your tickets. Here's one of the questions that was left in the anonymous question box at last year's Money and Marriage event. How do I get my husband to be present and stay off his phone?

Here's a couple of things right off top of my mind. You can take his phone and throw it out in the street. That's one. You can take his phone and drop in the toilet so it won't work anymore. That's one. Or sink, whichever body of water works best for you. or another one is you can take

him out and say hey I want to go to breakfast this weekend and no phones I'm not turning my phone off it's Saturday the game's I'm just asking you

for two hours of your time with no phones we turn them off I'm going to put mine in my bag can I put yours in my bag and then you use I statements not you statements

but you're always on your phone I'm talking about you use eye statements and you say I have this nagging feeling in my chest that I've lost you to technology. I miss you. And I want to work on how I can be present in our home and I would be honored if you would work on that too.

I'm on my phone too much. I'm on my screen too much. I feel like I'm competing with the screens. And I miss you. And then usually that can be, followed with it oh god you're right or a whole bunch of well i have to i'm on call i got to do this i got to do this i got to do this um but it's you being honest and speaking it out loud i feel like i'm coming second to the phone and the fourth thing you can do is just nag and

fight and punch and kick and be like you're always wrong and that just never going to work so that'd be my recommendation um i'll tell you this to husbands and wives listen to this Probably in the top three or four, most common questions I get is how do I get my spouse off their phone? I like to think of folks who are stuck on their phones as folks who are numbing away a life where they feel dead in their own skin. And the phone is actually a Xanax. So sometimes instead of asking, how do I get you off your phone, will you join me in building a marriage that is a lie from the inside out? What does that look like? I don't know. Let's figure it out. This could be the funnest adventure of our lives.

Love you guys. Bye.