The Dr. John Delony Show - My Girlfriend Gave Me HIV...What Do I Do Now?

Episode Date: October 22, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode My girlfriend gave me HIV...I'm not sure where to go from here My dad is a liar/cheater & now I don't know how to trust men My wife and I disagree about wanting to have children Lyrics of the Day: "Dream On" - Aerosmith   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: infidelity, relationships, disagreement/conflict, marriage, parenting, family   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a young man whose girlfriend gave him HIV and his parents want him to break up with her. Go figure. We also talk to a young woman who's engaged and her dad cheated on her mom and she's scared about infidelity in her own relationship. We talk to a husband who really wants kids and his wife doesn't. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hope you're doing well. Hope the world's going well where you're living. In this show, we talk about mental health, relationships. We talk about friendships and workplace. We talk about parenting, school, everything. Anything that's going on in your world,

give us a shout. If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Some people think it is johndeloney.com slash ax, and that would be weird. Although the guy that, Cody looks like a lumberjackjack I could see that mistake if you knew Cody Cody runs my world, he's the manager that runs everything for me actually that's not true Kelly runs my world Cody does what Kelly says but he looks like a lumberjack

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Not dope stuff. That was weird. We're not in a hip-hop group. We'll send you some cool things. I'd love to be in a hip-hop group. Why is that funny? It just sounds like we're going to send them paraphernalia. Kelly's like, yeah!

It's not legal yet in Tennessee, so we won't be mailing out dope stuff. We will send you some neat things via email. Neat things. That's going to line them up at the door to sign up for this thing. Everyone loves neat things. We all love neat things on the internet. They're swell. Oh, my gosh

I've got four applications to other jobs I hope they come through This is not working out at all Oh my gosh Oh boy Alright, let's go to Tim in Des Moines Des Moines, Iowa What's up, Tim?

Hey, John Hey, do you call it Des Moines or is that like what lame people call it? I think people who don't speak English call it that. That was a strong flex, Tim. Strong flex.

I do speak English. I just think it's funny. But I'll call it Des Moines. So what's up, dude? How can I help? So my question is my girlfriend gave me quite serious STD, and my parents ended up fighting God about this. They are now against our relationship,

saying that it's the way that God is showing that this relationship is not meant to be. I've been fighting this against my parents. And my question is, is there too much that has happened for this relationship to work? Or am I trying too hard to make it work? Bro, there's a lot going on here, man. A whole lot. Before I dig in, let's just have a conversation so I can get to know you for a second. Is that cool?

Okay, yeah. You sound a little bit nervous. Are you nervous or is this just weird? Or I realize you're calling a stranger, being like, yeah, I got an STI from this woman that I love. This whole thing is kind of weird. This is basically the first person outside of this situation that I've talked to. Gotcha. Well, dude, I've talked to. Gotcha.

Well, dude, I'm grateful for the trust. It sounds like there's a lot, lot going on here. Tell me about you. How old are you? What are you for living? All that kind of stuff. 27. Going to study nursing.

Okay. And just about to study nursing. Okay. And I'm just about to graduate here. So congratulations on that. Do you live at home? No, I don't. Okay. So what kind of STI did you get? HIV. Okay, so you've got HIV.

Okay. So I was wondering if this was... My first question was, why in the world do your parents know? If I'm 27, the last people on planet Earth I would call and tell I have an STI is my parents. But HIV is super serious. What is your health prognosis? It's... So, I guess the situation gets a little bit more difficult because, um, my dad does computer diagnostics and he was able to accidentally kind of find out I have this.

And so I am. Accidentally kind of, what does that mean? Meaning he wasn't expecting it. He was not looking for it. It just kind of came up when he was doing the... I regularly do checkups. He's a doctor. Oh, so he's a doctor at the place where you went to get checked out,

and he discovered through the computer system that his son has HIV? Yes. It's alternative medicine that he does, and so it's very different kind of from modern medicine, so it's just the way that he found out. I just go to my dad always for health checkups. Yeah. Oh, what a mess. Okay. So tell me about this person that you're dating. Um, so, um, I guess what, what would you like to know about her?

No, just tell me about her. Well, she's a nurse in Illinois, and this is the second serious relationship she's had. For me, it's

maybe the first serious relationship for me. And so, she grew up in a Christian family. maybe the first serious relationship for me. Okay. And so she's, I mean, she grew up in a Christian family. She's. Did she knowingly give you HIV? No, she didn't know about it. Okay.

Is she the first person you've ever slept with? Yes. Okay. How long y'all been together? We've been together for a year now. A year. Okay. So back to my original question, brother, this is just me caring about somebody I just met. What's your health prognosis? um so right now there's potential that the treatment that through my dad that it will go away

even though um with so i'm being treated for it that way um so in the place where i work there's a thousand employees here i would be willing to bet my truck, and it's not a great car. I'm going to be honest with you. It's not great. But I'd be willing to bet it that I'm the most woo-woo health practitioner in this building. I'm not a health practitioner. I didn't say that right. That I am the most homeopathic, geeked out nerd when it comes to that kind of stuff in this building.

Right. And you have HIV. And I want you to make sure you go meet with a traditional practitioner. Okay? Yeah. Got it? Yes. Yeah, I understand that.

I don't want you taking essential oils and fermented oats with the assumption that HIV is going to go away. Right. Okay? And I'm being provocative, and I know that. And my friends who are homeopaths are going to get all over me, and I get that. I don't want you to mess around with this, okay? Right. Right.

That's a secondary thing. So to answer your original question, brother, I don't want to get into faith disagreements with you and with your parents. I do not believe that God has given you a terminal illness because you had premarital sex, if that's the question. But I also am not going to get into a debate with somebody who has that particular faith view. That's not a fight I'm interested in engaging. You did have unprotected sex with somebody, right?

And a consequence of unprotected sex can be STIs and can be HIV. Is that right? Mm-hmm. Okay. So I want to deal with where you are right now. You're 28, 27, is that right? Yes. So at the end of the day,

your parents do not get a vote on who you're dating. Do you live at home? I don't. I already asked you that. No, you don't. So they don't get a vote, brother. Yes. Is your relationship with the woman that you love, who gave you HIV, going to be fraught with so much trauma? Yeah. Is it going to be hard to work through that? Yeah, no question about that.

Can you? I've never honestly sat down with somebody who's in your situation. I have talked to folks, numerous folks, who got things like syphilis or gonorrhea or something like that. I've not talked through somebody in this situation. I've talked through a bajillion of couples who get pregnant, and their parents are all over them. I haven't talked to somebody with something as serious as this.

And my understanding of where we currently are in the medical system with HIV is limited. I know there's some cocktails and stuff that have proven to be rather remarkable. But I don't know anything about your medical condition and what a prognosis is, how long you have to live, all that kind of stuff. What I'll tell you is it is not uncommon for somebody to feel intimately connected to the first person they were with despite trauma, despite anything, despite all those things. So your love for her, your connection to her is yours. What are you asking me? Like, am I just disregarding the situation and trying to make something work that is not meant to work?

I don't think you can answer. I don't think that's a question worth asking. Yeah. I think the question worth asking is, do you want to be with somebody who gave you HIV, whether unknowingly or knowingly? Do you want to be with somebody who does that person treat you? I mean, it's all the normal stuff. Does that make sense? Yeah.

Does this person make you feel whole? Does this person make you feel like you have value? Does this person love you and has dedicated their life to serving you and vice versa? Or are you bonding over trauma and tragedy? Oh crap, we're in this. We might as well be together forever and make it work at all costs, et cetera. Gotcha.

I'm telling you, I would have a heart, on this side of the fence, again, I've never been on the inside, dating somebody for seven months, eight months, and then finding out they gave me HIV, I would have a hard time leaning into that relationship. Again, that is me on this side of it. If I happen to be in that situation, I can't speak to it

because I don't have that experience. But if you walk in going, is this meant to be? Am I wasting my time? Dude, I can't answer that question for you. Why do you want to stay with this person? Um, just because I guess, except this situation, I mean, uh, she respects me, she loves me and, uh, we have and we have trust. And, I mean, I've been trying to look through kind of all the things that are supposed to be in the relationship, and they seem to be all there.

Okay, so here's what I want you to do. Have you all gone to see somebody and talk about the— like, it feels like you're minimizing it a lot. And maybe my ignorance on the current state of treatment for HIV is the problem here. It feels like you're worried about whether this relationship's going to work. And I'm worried about your health. Right. And I think it is of utmost importance. If you are looking at this person and say, I want to spend the rest of my life with them. We are in it now, and I want to be in it with her.

Y'all need to go see some sort of marriage counselor today. This weekend, Monday, Tuesday, next week. Go see somebody and say, we're both interested in making this thing work. And we got this big, giant grenade that just went off in the living room. Right. And we got to deal with that. Right. Yeah.

And I want you to make sure you are talking to somebody about your health, your health journey, your parents. My guess is you and I could talk for a long, long time about the messages you received growing up. Oh, yeah. And it was probably tough. Is that fair? Yes. Okay.

At some point, my hope for anybody is not that it's when they have contracted HIV and their parents are telling them that's God punishing them for making a bad decision. But here you are some point, you're going to have to stand up and disconnect yourself from that relationship for a season and ask yourself, what do you want to do professionally? What do you want to do personally? Um, how are you going to cut those strings and get the relational IQ relational mental health healing

that you need and then lean into this is the person I want to marry does that make sense? yeah so you're saying so you're saying that first I need to like disconnect from my parents,

all my decisions and everything, and then lean into the relationship and figure that out? No. No. Tim, you're 28, right? Right. What did you do before nursing school? I just had various healthcare jobs.

Got my bachelor's in nutrition, exercise, and health sciences. Okay. I'm not going to be the guy here that tells you you've got to disconnect from your parents, but what I'm telling you is you've got to grow up. Right. Yeah. up. Right. And yeah, that's, that's the, that's the idea that I've been, uh, that I've been, or that I had for this relationship. I did just tell you to disconnect from your parents. Here's what I mean by that. Not never talk to them again. Not, you sound like a guy that's

going to follow my, my words to a T. And so I'm going to be really clear with you. Okay. And it's good for me. So I'm glad you're pushing me on this. You are going to have to make some decisions on your own. You're going to have to deal with your family trauma. You're going to have to deal with the fact that your parents have told you that the creator of the universe is punishing you. Yeah.

And that they don't want their son next to this woman who did this thing and all that stuff. And you're going to have to reconcile that with the fact that they love you a lot, my guess. Is that fair? Yes. Okay. You're going to have to grow up and decide what you want to do, how you want to do it, what battles in your life are worth fighting, who you're going to take wisdom and advice from. Do you have close guy friends?

Not very many. Yeah. So one of the cool things about my job is that people call and trust me with really heavy stuff. Sometimes, and this is one of those things, where, dude, if your girlfriend of a year gave you HIV, and you don't have anyone else to talk to in the world, that should be a giant red flag for you. You've got to get people in your life that will walk alongside you. Okay? Yeah. A stranger on the radio can't be your first call here.

You've got to have people that you trust. You're 28 that are not your parents, that are your friends, that are a counselor, that are people you work with, classmates that you trust. And it tells me that there's just, you're going to have to practice relationships for a long time. So yes, I'm going to, I'm going back on myself again in the same call. I think I've flip-flopped two or three times. You do need to disconnect from your parents, but that doesn't mean cut them off. That doesn't mean be ugly or rude or disrespectful. That means that when they say, God is punishing you for what you've done, you must break up with her and move home immediately. And you don't want to do those things. You say, I am really grateful that you were trying to love me in the way you're trying to love me. I'm 28. I live in my own place. I'm going to stay here.

And I'm going to make some personal decisions with the help of a counselor and a buddy or two, a pastor, somebody that I trust, that I can be honest with and will walk alongside me day after day about my romantic relationships, my healthcare journey, and what's going to come next for me. And I love you guys.

And I'm grateful that y'all are speaking into my heart. That's what I mean by disconnecting. They don't get a vote anymore. I understand. Okay. And you got to get with you and your girlfriend got to get with a

counselor ASAP. And you've got to make a doctor's appointment if you haven't already. Have you seen a traditional medical practitioner? No. Please do that. Okay? Please do that. And I'm not going to get into your

medical care stuff. I'm not going to get into all that. Other than to say, please go see a traditional doctor. Okay? Please do that. Other than to say, please go see a traditional doctor. Okay? Please, please do that. Oh, Tim. Here's something to give you the benefit of the doubt. Everything in your world

just blew up. Your parents, your faith, your medical, your health, your relationship with your girlfriend. I get all that.

In your last year of being a nurse in the middle of COVID, everything in your world is a snow globe right now. It just shook up, shook up, shook up, shook up, shook up. I get that. I get that. I get that. And this call, I was not clear on this call. I'm sorry. It's kind of caught off guard and then surprised and then trying to work through where to even start on this deal. You need some professional therapeutic care today. ASAP. You need some professional medical care today. ASAP. Backing all the way up to the moon

and looking down on Earth. You're 28 years old, brother. It's time to grow up. Time to grow up. Life has happened to you. You made some personal choices in your life about how you're going to handle intimacy and sex and how you can be safe about it and not safe about it. And it happened.

So now you're going to live in that reality and you're going to work from there. There's not going to be a linear approach other than medical care and therapeutic care for sure. There'll be some really good days, some really tough days. And you're going to have to have some people in your life that walk alongside you. Feel free to call me back after you have some of these hard conversations, brother. I'm here to take your calls and I'll walk alongside with you.

I'm not hearing in your voice that you get what a huge deal this is. This is not about breaking up with your girlfriend. This is every single thing in your life is different now. And you're going to have to start from square one. Thank you so much for the trust, Brother Tim. Thank you so much for the call. Get some people in your life you can talk to today that are not your parents,

but that will have your best interest and that will walk alongside you and give you wisdom for the long haul. We'll be right back on the Dr. John DeLong Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet,

get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work, we do this in social setting,

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where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy.

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Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go to Laura in Flushing, the commode, New York. What's up, Laura? I couldn't. I'm sorry, Laura. I'm sorry. Hi. Hey, John. How are you? I'm good. I know your town is named Flushing, and I made a camo joke, and I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.

I tried. Everybody does that. It's okay. I know. I don't want to be everybody, but I couldn't help it. I would love to live in a town called Flushing. That would be so awesome. It's basically New York City, but yeah.

Well, my name is used to name toilets too, John, so here we go. So, hey, what's up, Laura? How can I help? Well, first, I just want to thank you for taking my call as quickly as you did. I found you on YouTube literally the same night I called

you, and it's just remarkable, so thank you. Well, that's awesome. Thanks for calling in. Thanks for watching YouTube. I don't even know how to log into that, but it sounds like it's a fun little thing that people watch. Sounds awesome. Yeah. Well, that's awesome. So what's up? How can I help? Well, so basically I am in a, I've known my fiance for four years. Uh, we got engaged, um, this May. I live in New York city. He lives in Kentucky and everything was good up until two years ago because, um, okay. So I'm 28 years old. Um, I live with my parents. They're in their early 60s, they married in the 80s, and we now, me, my mom, and my sister, we found out that my dad was cheating on my mom with different women all

the years of their marriage. Oh, man. The first time we found this out, it was, well, at least I wasn't born yet, but my mom found out in 1990 when my sister was a baby and a woman called the house. And okay, but fast forwarding to today, two years ago, thanks to the power of the internet, we found out through emails, he was emailing lots of different women he was trying to hook up with, none of which accepted his offer. So he kept getting turned down, turned down, turned down. But all our lives, for me and my sister, he was trying to hook up with different women.

And two years ago, we found this out. And this has created immense trust issues between me and my fiancé. I do not know how to trust men, and there's more to the story, but I'll let you... What's the more to the story? Well, so my father is not only a downright a-hole and a cheater, but he is also a blackmailer, meaning when we found out what my dad was doing, he, my mom at first, and myself included, because I live with my parents, we started to, you know, say, you know, how could you do this? Mommy's loved you for all these years. She's been faithful to you. She cleaned your clothes, makes your food, etc. And at first, you know, we were telling him this. And then my dad

decided to try to commit suicide in front of my mom every chance he got. And this has been daily. Sometimes I've had to call the police and take him to the hospital. And they've only kept him one night, no medication, nothing. And he only does this suicide thing in front of my mom, not me or my sister or my sister or my sister or her husband who lives on the seventh floor. And he doesn't do this in front of me. And this has created immense trust issues between me and my fiance. I do not know how to trust men and I'm terrified to get married. And we, when we fight and then his name is Daniel, uh, we fight every single day. Is Daniel a good man? Absolutely.

He, he, he doesn't, um, he hasn't, um, he doesn't raise his voice to me Daniel so hold on Laura your dad is sick yes he is sick it's a mess and one of the most devastating

things about infidelity especially pervasive ongoing infidelity especially pervasive ongoing infidelity that goes over years and years and years there is the oh my gosh I met somebody at work and it was three weeks and suddenly it turned into a thing there's that

there's the work event one night of stand then there's the pervasive over a series of years betrayal Then there's the pervasive, over a series of years, betrayal. There's the betrayal that sucks, tears your soul out from you. But I believe that one of the worst, if not the worst outcome of that type of betrayal, that type of infidelity, is it causes people to doubt themselves. How did I miss this? It makes you feel crazy.

And you have had a working picture of a dad. And I bet if you're honest, he wasn't a great dad either. Oh, no. On the contrary. That's right. So everything about him says not safe, not healthy, not well, not a person of character, all those things mushed up into one thing. And it has made you feel nuts. Why can't this guy act like an adult? Why won't this man love me?

He's my dad. Why won't he love my mom? She seems great to me. You feel crazy, and you're not. Okay? Well, yeah, no, I just want to reiterate. This has become a total shock to me, only about my dad, only because he was a good father to me and my

sister he supported us when whatever we did um it's just that his marriage with my mom was doomed from the start oh not only because of the infidelities but because they are just so completely opposite no no no their marriage was doomed because they didn't choose both of them to work on it. To stay connected into it. To decide we are both super opposite. We're going to make this thing work. We're going to lean into it. And I'll give them the benefit

of the doubt. They didn't have the tools, the ideas, all the stuff. All the pictures, all that stuff. But here's the thing. You're here now. And you're dating a guy named Dan who's a great guy, right? For four years.

You're engaged to him, okay. You have a singular hard decision to make, a challenge ahead of you. Your body now does not trust men because the one who was dad destroyed it. Destroyed your trust, destroyed all that.

Is that fair? Can I just interrupt for a quick second? Yeah. My sister's husband, like I said, they live on the seventh floor. He is also the same type of person.

He's cheated on my sister all the years they've known each other. And my sister's the exact same way known each other. And my sister's the exact same way as my mom because they now have to keep quiet. Otherwise,

the men in their life literally try to commit suicide if they don't shut up about it. So it's not just my father, it's my sister. So then you got two of them. Yes.

Two men who are very close to you are running a great scam, and they're not well, both and. I'm going to challenge you. Your mother and your sister need to get away from these men, these abusive, gaslighting men who lack character and who are incredibly unwell. They need to distance themselves from them. They can choose not to and say it's because they're trying to keep them alive and all those things, but they need to leave. That's another call. I'm going to continue to push back to, right now, you.

Because you can't control them. The only thing on planet Earth you can control, Laura, is your thoughts and your actions. That's it. I'm very well aware of that. Cool. That's why I called you. I love it. I love it.

So, your body is going to respond to trust and intimacy with men as though it is a terrifying thing that's going to get you hurt because that's what it's experienced. And that's fair that your body is trying to take care of you that way. Okay. Has Daniel done anything to show you that he is not worthy of your trust? Absolutely not. However, I just have to say, because of what has happened, and I'm afraid to trust men so ardently, I keep thinking, he thinks this cashier is hot. He thinks this lady on TV is hot. I want to be the constant, this constant sex idol.

Then break up with him. Just break up with him. I think you should break up with him. Just break up with him. I think you should break up with him and just move on with your life and be single for the rest of your life. Well, I don't want to do that. Okay, then if you don't want to do that and I was being an idiot,

of course not do that. Of course. I know it sounded funny what I just said. No, no, no, it doesn't. It doesn't. It sounds defeatist. And I get it. You've earned defeatist. Life has thrown you crap. Your brother-in-law sucks. Your dad sucks. And I know that sounds mean to say it like that, but it's true.

I know it's true. Dan doesn't. And you have those thoughts and they are real and they pop into your head. And then when they pop in, you have a choice. And that is, am I going to meditate on these? Am I going to try to become them? Am I going to try to live into them? Am I going to throw them on my fiance who I love? Or am I going to heal from these things so that over time I'm able to trust Dan? He is going to be my refuge in this world of insanity.

That's the choice you have. Otherwise, you are choosing to make yourself miserable and by proxy make him miserable. And I don't think he deserves it. Do you? No. And the fights have become so frequent. He was supposed to visit New York in November and he keeps putting

it off because he's afraid I'm going to start screaming at him. Are you? Yes, you are. What do you mean? Think of it this way. Your dad dumped a bucket of crap on you. And every time you're around Dan, you take some of it and throw it at him.

Just because he might have some too. And if I'm him, I don't want to be around that. He's probably trying to love the woman of his life the best he can through trauma and through these revelations and you're hitting him for it I have to admit he has been very extremely not very, extremely patient

through all of this Laura, do you want to hurt forever? no I don't Laura, do you want to hurt forever? No. Okay. I don't. Every time you scream, every time you yell, every time you start a fight, that's a choice to be miserable.

Every time. Every time you hold secrets back from Daniel, that's a choice to put a wedge in your relationship. You know what's crazy, though? There are no secrets between us. I have this weird thing about me where I don't know how to lie. It's just crazy. In a previous episode we recorded recently,

we talked about there's a difference between no secrets and being honest and oversharing, being weaponizing truth. There is something, spoiler alert, your husband's gonna find other women attractive throughout his life.

It's gonna happen. He's gonna see somebody and be like, wow, beautiful. You're going to have to get over that. And you're going to see people and think they're super good looking too. I actually won't, believe it or not. I know myself. I won't. You're super, super incorrect on that.

But it's cool. You can live in that fantasy right now. That's a different phone call. You for sure will. And that's, but it's cool. You can live in that fantasy right now. That's a different phone call. You for sure will. And that's okay. That's not infidelity. That means you don't love each other. That means you're human.

What I'm hearing over and over and over, Laura, is you don't want to heal right now, and you don't have to. That's your prerogative. You want to not hurt, and I believe that, but you don't want to do the hard, hard work to heal from what has happened to you. You don't. You want to rage. And unfortunately, a guy you love and who wants to marry you is the target of your rage. And if I'm him, I'm not sticking around for that.

We're not married yet. I don't have to. I'm out. Because I'm just trying to love you the best I can and you're taking it out on me over and over and over again. Your body is right to be scared of men. They've hurt you and those you love. Fair. Daniel has not. You have to come up to a place in your relationship where you can say, hey, my heart is racing right now as though you've done something and I know you haven't, but I'm feeling super anxious right now about our relationship.

And because you've been through trauma and he loves you, he can say, thank you for sharing that with me. I love you. I'm feeling super anxious right now about our relationship. And because you've been through trauma and he loves you, he can say, thank you for sharing that with me. I love you. I'm committed to you. I'll never cheat on you, never have. And you go, okay, thank you. That's it. No screaming, no fights, no anger, no rage,

no none of that stuff. That's not going to solve or heal or help anything. Nothing. It's a choice to solve or heal or help anything. Nothing. It's a choice to stay in the sewer system that your brother-in-law and dad dragged you down into. Now, Daniel's going to get some crap on him because he's going to hug you, not because you're going to throw it at him.

And when you hug somebody who's hurting, you get their blood and guts and crap on you that's part of love, that's what love is he doesn't deserve to be thrown at him, you have to decide do I want to have a healthy marriage do I want to work through my fear of men do I want to honor and love

this guy Daniel who honors and loves me do I want joy in my life or do I just want to be miserable? You are not trapped. You're making some choices. Hard call, Laura. I don't think you're ready. I think you're still too angry and still too full of rage. But I wish you peace. I tell you what, I wish you peace. I really do. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Dorn show. All right, we are back.

This show has been an adventure thus far. Hey, Derek in Orlando. What's up, my brother? Hey, John. I'm good. How are you? You know what, man? It's awesome.

I'm doing awesome. You? I am excited to be talking to you.? I am excited to be talking to you. I am more excited to be talking to you. Trust me. So what's up, dude? How can I help? Hey, well, first I want to say I appreciate everything the show is doing for this generation and just in general.

I feel like I relate to the show on so many levels. A weakness for sour gummies. I own a Strat and a Les Paul. So it's like I'm listening to friends. That's the devil and the angel on either shoulder. I know. You can love it or hate it, but that's where it's at. Well, good for you, brother.

Thank you so much, man. What's up, dude? Hey, so my wife and I want kids, and we've been talking about starting for years now, probably about five years. But navigating that with the nature of my wife's job, coupled with depression she's struggled with throughout our marriage, is contributing to a lot of anxiety for her and preventing us from being able to move forward in that regard. I know her concerns are valid.

So how do I best love and support her as she struggles through those anxieties while still kind of validating my own disappointment with these things kind of preventing us from being able to move forward and, you know, not necessarily being where I thought we would be at this point. That's awesome, man. That's a great question, Derek. Um, what's your wife do? What about her job? She can't have kids. Uh, it's not so much that she can't have kids she's a performer and an entertainer so she does acting singing dancing um and the big concern is kind of the physical toll that a pregnancy might take the bouncing back from a pregnancy the concern that maybe

she won't bounce back or maybe there'll be a complication or, you know, her physical appearance will change significantly to the point where she doesn't get to do that anymore. And it's such a large part of her and she drives so much passion from it that that idea scares her to death. So she doesn't want kids. She vehemently tells me that she does, but these anxieties are so up that there's this downward spiral that happens with this idea that like, I may not, I may lose this part of myself that has been such a strong source of her identity. And rightly so she's incredibly talented, very capable. This one's hard man And I'm gonna be up front and honest with you Best I can okay

This one's hard Yeah Man She's trapped in a fear cycle right now That is gonna be tough To escape from And This isn't just for entertainers. This is also for lawyers. And this is not only, it's women carry the burden of this fear cycle,

but men do too. It's being a lawyer. It's being a TV show producer. It's being an executive of any sort, a salesperson. Here's the thing that a lot of parents don't wrap their head around, people before they become parents. Everything about who you are before you have kids changes after you have kids. All of it. Priorities, body, thoughts, what brings you joy, what used to bring you joy, what doesn't bring you, all of it. Everything changes and it's terrifying. It's scary. One of the biggest problems is the word I'll use. One of the

biggest problems I see couples make when they have their first kid is they try to recreate, they try to re-drag their past into the future. We could just have sex during a lunch break on a random Tuesday. You can't do that when you have a kid sometimes. We could just pack up and leave town on a weekend and not think, you can't do that when you have a kid. Everything changes. Getting that next promotion sometimes isn't that cool anymore. It's cool, but it's really cool hanging out with my kid. Everything changes. Getting that next promotion sometimes isn't that cool anymore. It's cool, but it's really cool hanging out with my kid. Or, I don't want to hang out with my kid. It's boring and it's not as fun as I thought. Everything changes

is what I'm saying. That fear feels... I think if your wife was doing another job, that fear would still be there, is what I'm saying. Okay. I think this is more was doing another job, that fear would still be there. That's what I'm saying. Okay. I think this is more about kids

than it is about being an actress. And I could be way off, and I'm not talking to her, I'm just talking to you. I know too many actresses, too many people in the profession that have multiple children, and you make it work.

And yes, you age, and yes, your body changes. And sometimes it changes. Everybody changes everything. How about this? The idea that, how old is she now? She's 30 now. Okay. She's going to be different at 33.

She's going to be different at 35. She'll be different at 33. She's going to be different at 35. She'll be different at 40. Differences in her body and her abilities and her appearance, those things are all going to happen to all of us, whether we have kids or not. Now, I don't want to undermine actresses and actors, especially actresses have a different type of pressure. It's real.

I get that. But in the same, let's take acting off the table. Let's take my job, for instance. I have a lot of opportunities to go speak all over the country at corporate events, private events, all kind of stuff. In one breath, I can say, I really want to spend more time with my kids. I really do. And when Justin, who handles all of the speaking contracts, calls and says, hey, I got another one for you for this much money. And I go, yeah, I'm in. What I have said, what I've demonstrated is that I want money more than I want to spend time with my kids right now.

That's not, I'm not going to judge. That's a fact. That's what I just did. Or I could say, I want to spend more time right now with my kids right now, so I'm going to turn this speaking gig down. It's an either-or proposition. And the only way I have seen through that, I've been able to navigate that, is through what my friend Christy Wright called, it's the seasons. It's to say, this season, I want to pay this stuff off. And this season, I don't want to have a mortgage. And this season, I want to pay this stuff off. And this season, I don't want to have a mortgage. And this season, I want to pile up cash. And so the cost of that is going to be time with my family.

And we're all on the same page. We're all talking about it. Then, as you mentioned earlier, this picture you had that looks different, we're all on the same page about what that looks like. Right now, your wife can say she wants kids, and that's cool. But she doesn't. She wants to be an actress. And she wants to keep the picture of being an actress alive as long as possible

because she's scared about what it's going to do to her. And I'm telling you right now, there's deeper fears than that, that I think you'll need to go talk to a marriage counselor and talk through. I think there's deeper things here than that. Um, I, there's just too many people in the profession that have kids that things are great. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, I a hundred percent agree. I, so, so we both have, have been talking to therapists individually and then reading through, um, like for example, we started reading the, uh, adult children of emotionally. Yeah.

Good for you, dude. Like, yeah. Like for one chapter in like she's teary eyed. I mean, this is, this is her. And I think you're absolutely right in the sense that there's, I mean, there are people who are peers with her in the roles and the capacities that she's doing who do have kids. Yeah. It's, it's possible. Absolutely. What, what do I do? I mean, what, what can I do in, in those scenarios, in those conversations? I mean, I can't imagine that saying back to her

is like, yeah, you're right. It will be completely different. It will like, you probably will lose this or like, I can't imagine that's going to be helpful, but do I need to bring that kind of dose of reality to it? When you phrase it like loss, you will lose this. That's a scarcity mindset. It's not looking at every single thing you're going to gain. And it's looking at there is a finite amount of this, and if I don't have that,

everything is over. And that's, you can't do that kind of math with kids. You can't do that kind of math with family expansion. You can't do that kind of math with healing. In the previous call, when I was just talking to that young woman about, she's got so much rage in her because of what her dad did to her mom that she can't at this moment let that go enough to not lose her current fiance because she's so full of rage, so full of rage and anger. There is, it comes these moments of these either or propositions.

And what she doesn't understand is if she let go of that rage and turned to and accepted love and worked hard on love, she has no idea how good that would feel. Right now it's all about safety and protection. And your wife's in a similar situation. She's got the whole idea of being an actress and an entertainer. It's all scarcity mindset. There's one role and 500 people trying to get that role.

That's just the nature of that business. I'm in that business. It's tough. It's hard to live into non-scarcity mindsets, right? That everybody wins on these deals. And this idea that, man, I don't care who you are. When you're 30, your skin looks different than when you're 20, your body looks different. When you're 40, dude, homie, it all goes sideways, right? It just happens. And that's why I don't think this has to do with this. So what I've seen in these kinds of situations, and I've mostly seen this in academic situations. I have a friend of mine, she's an incredible scholar. Her husband's an incredible scholar. They have lost out on jobs because she is quote unquote, a breeder. She is somebody who had kids and wasn't totally dedicated to her academic slice. They called her a breeder for crying out loud. Okay.

Yeah. What I've seen this over and over. And ultimately what people try to do is they start trying to solve the kid question. Do we have a kid, not have a kid? Do we have a kid, not have a kid? That's not the issue. The issue is I've got to be at peace with who I am, where I'm headed, where I'm going with my spouse. What do we want this thing to look like

five years, three years, six years down the road? And we're going to take this in seasons. What's this season going to look like? Let's be on the same page about, let's do six months of going all in. Or let's do 12 months of going all in, or let's do 12 months of going all in. And then let's reevaluate and see where your career's at, where my heart is with having kids, where your heart's having kids. And let's be honest about that season. But it's, you have to do, brother, you got to let your picture go. You got to let

that sucker go. It's not going to be what it was. You thought you'd have two kids by now. I mean, you're 30. You don't. Okay. You're going to have to grieve that picture. It's not, it's not happening. It's not reality. Cool. Let's get intentional about making a new one. And let's get really intentional about healing because your wife is scared about other things and it's coming out with work and kids. And anybody listening to this wrestling about this conversation, you got to step away from the kid thing because it becomes the proxy war. It's not the real challenge here. Does she have a tough road growing up?

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And that's why I think a lot of this, the validation that she receives from work is exactly where that's the loss. I think that's where the loss is. It's not the field. It's not the profession, that's the loss. I think that's where the loss is. It's not the field. It's not the profession. It's the success. Yeah, the success and the validation that she's had there

because she didn't get a lot of that growing up. I think it's good to affirm that's real. It's real. That validation's real. It feels real. It's not. It's fleeting, and it will go away soon alright

they'll find the next the next darling and it will be on to the next if I'm you and this is my wife and we're working through this together I want to

back all the way out of the kid conversation and ask where are we headed how can we heal from these childhood wounds how can we make some decisions

about what kids are going to look like and then we got to put some stuff on the calendar and we got to be highly intentional about it. There will come a moment, probably be best to have a counselor in the room when somebody calls her on the math that she's trying to do that's not working.

I really, really want kids. And I really, really want this. Well, it's going to cost you one or the other. And by the way, it's not. You can be both. But there will be a season, right? There will be seasons of shift and change. Somebody's going to have to call her on that.

Waiting until y'all are in a fight or into a hard disagreement or everybody's crying or have tears. That's not the season to do that. That's not the moment to do that. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. Ultimately, go ahead, go ahead. I was i was just gonna ask can i ask you one more

question about like this idea of grieving the idea that you know i had a picture in my head it's not there yeah and like processing through that would you would you say to go all the way through this idea of like grieving the idea because Cause I've had my, you know, or what moment, you know, of like, let's say this doesn't happen. These take years and years to get through. And ultimately at the end of the day, the decision is like, you know what, it's just not going to happen. Um, and I've, I've had that or what conversation in my head. Like, would you leave her and go marry somebody else so you can have kids? Exactly. Right. And, and like, I'm just, I've made the vows that I made to her. We're not Like would you leave her and go marry somebody else so you can have kids? Exactly right. And like I'm just, I've made, the vows that I made to her were not conditional upon that, you know, and that's where I stand with it.

But do I go through the entire process of like grieving the entire idea right now? And if it does work out, great. You're not grieving that you're never going to have kids. You're grieving that I had this expectation right here, and it's not. And what you're trying to do is to get your body to stop reacting as though something's on fire. It's not. It's already burned down. You know what I mean?

So there's something about when somebody calls you and says, hey, your house is on fire. There is a part of your body that goes into DEFCON. I got to get there and get the stuff out. Your body responds differently when someone calls you and says, hey, I'm sorry. There was a hurricane. You lost everything. Everything's ash. That's a sorrow.

That's not a response. That is the depths of grief, not fight or flight. Right now, your body's in fight or flight because you're still trying to make this thing happen, and it's not. It's past. You're 30 years old. You thought you'd have two kids, but now you don't. And so there's something about acknowledging the present,

the reality of it, and it's going to hurt, man. It's a reality sucks. I mean, just sitting there and being like, and then there's a period at the end of that sentence, and then the real question is, we're not going back. I'm already 30. I still don't have two kids. I don't have four kids running around here. The real question is I'm holding a pen. What am I going to write next? And what are we going to write next? And the good thing for you, Derek, because you've already gone through the, or what will I leave her? The answer is no.

And so now it's about, can we make this work? I want to know, are we going to have children? And it is not about being an actress. That's the proxy. It's not. There's something going on deeper than that. And it probably has to do with her interaction with her parents, whether that was trauma, abuse, neglect, all those things combined. Healing there will be really important. And then having an honest, truthful conversation about, man, everything changes in the entertainment industry, especially when you are actress, when you're dancer, when you're into movement, that's a young kid's game, man. And, or you transition to different roles that look different, that move on different, all this stuff changes. And it's just

being honest about seasons, what seasons we're in, what changes are coming, whether we have kids or not. And then what is a kid actually going to do to that situation? I just know too many actresses that are awesome, awesome, awesome. I've got kids, too many people in front of cameras that do great stuff. They're incredible, but it's easy to get trapped in that scarcity mindset, especially when you work from a place of trauma. Derek, your wife is lucky to have you in her life, that you love her. I'm going to suggest not talking about kids for a season. Let's get back to healing

because that kids is adding a lot of pressure. Let's get back to healing this childhood stuff, healing this relationship. You grieve your stuff and let's paint a picture about where we're headed and let's be really clear about putting stuff on the calendar. If we don't have this by 31, then we're gonna try this and we're gonna try that.

Here's our combined goals here. And let's move forward there. Thank you so much for calling me. I'm proud of you for doing work with counseling too, man. That is incredible. Awesome, awesome, awesome. During a break, Zach, who's running the YouTube channel, brought this in.

All right, this song's kind of on the nose. It's not about you, Derek, okay? I'm just letting you know. This is going to sound like I'm calling you out. It's not. It's just that Zach brought this in here before we even talked. But it does sound kind of on the nose. So if you were sitting here,

I would put my arm around you and be like, bro, it's not about you. The song is off the 19th century. It's an actual killer song. It's one of my favorites, man. 1973 self-titled Aerosmith record. And the song is Dream On. Derek, we're not telling you to dream on.

Kind of. No, we kind of are, right? No? No, we're not. We're not. Here's the song, Dream On. It goes like this. Zach, fill it in. Great tune, man. Every time I look in the mirror, all these lines on my face getting clear. The past is gone, and it went by like dusk to dawn. Isn't that the way? Everybody's got their dues in life to pay. Yeah, this one really is on the nose. Yeah, I know. Nobody knows where it comes and where it goes. I know it's everybody's sin. You got to lose to know how to win. Dream on. Yeah, Derek, dream on, brother, until the dream come true. Man, she's lucky to have you. And we're lucky to have you, America, right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.