The Dr. John Delony Show - My Girlfriend Had Sex With a Lot of Men Before We Met

Episode Date: January 13, 2023

On this episode, we hear from: - A man ready to propose to his girlfriend but still struggling with her sexual history - A mom wondering if her son should have a relationship with her late ex’s family - A bride unsure how to set boundaries with her parents while wedding planning Lyrics of the Day: "Human Too" - The 1975 Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. And I'm within two weeks of a planned proposal. My significant other has a very carefree sexual past. I've had several more partners than I've had. She told me a number, but then later in an argument, stated that she lied about the number and it was actually higher. Please don't get engaged in a couple of weeks. Yo, yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Greatest mental health and marriage and parenting podcast of all time ever. So glad that you're with us. Thank you for giving us your time and your attention to things that everybody wants from you these days. Hey, this is awesome. This is awesome. This is about five months ago now. I think when it actually came out or, I don't know, four months ago. But we got in the mail today. Check it out, Nate Dog. Can you push it up there?

We got our big fancy 100,000 subscribers YouTube award. It's a little shiny there, but we got our big fancy award. We're excited. If there's anything more appropriate that when you hit certain milestones, 100,000, 500,000, a million, YouTube sends you an award with a mirror on it just so you can continue to stare at yourself Right, which is it's incredible. Hey 100 of that is because of you

You guys hitting the subscribe button you guys telling your friends about this, um, you men and women Tuning in every a couple times every week. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm so grateful My family's uh grateful, uh, the whole team back here is grateful. Thank you. Thank you. I'm so grateful. My family's grateful. The whole team back here is grateful. Thank you so, so much. So I just, I could just say thank you all day long, but I appreciate it. And we are just getting started. You're going to see a lot of new stuff in the new year and I can't wait. All right, let's go to Marcus out in Memphis. What's up, Marcus?

Hey, Dr. John. How you doing? Good, man. What's up? Hey, so I met the girl that I'm currently courting three months ago, and I'm within two weeks of a planned proposal. I feel... Hold up. Wait. Three months? And you're already making your move huh yes sir so i'm pretty embarrassed with the fact that i haven't come to a place where i can get out of my own head and get out of my own way and be accepting of the fact that my significant other has a very carefree and extensive sexual past

okay including uh participating in that right before we actually got together. So I'm hoping you can help me with that. Okay. Talk me through it, man. Well, for one, it's way, it's several more partners than I've had for one and two, we kind of talked about it or touched on it from a couple of conversations ago and she told me a number, but then later in an argument stated that she lied about the number and it was actually higher, but wouldn't tell me what the number was. And so I kind of just been mulling that over a lot since that conversation.

All right. So a couple of things. Number one, please don't get engaged in a couple of weeks. You are a thousand miles from ready to get married to this person. Okay? Sure. Please don't.

Please don't. Please don't. Please don't. Cool? Yes, sir. Number two. She's not ruined, and she's not less than, and she's not broken or not up to snuff. She's somebody that you met, that you love, and that you are – there's no way you can, quote three months There's somebody that you're infatuated with And that you're super interested in

And that is exciting for you And that's cool She's had experiences that You wished That she only shared with you And that's not the case You have too by the way homie Right?

Yes to some degree yes Yes and so now we're into this Like her number is bigger than my number This is This is less about her sexual partners dude And this is more about Dominion and Conquest and power And all those things

Is that fair Yeah I think that's fair Okay you're mad at a fantasy bro at this idea that this woman that you met would not have i i don't dude i it's just it's tough for me um here's the deal you are well within your rights to desire somebody with little or no sexual past. You're, you're, you are, I won't take that from anybody ever. Okay. But if that's a big deal to you, end this today, treat her with dignity and respect and move on with your life. Is that fair? I mean, I don't think it's not a big deal to me. It's just the proportion seems so crazy.

But yeah, it's fair. I mean, I understand what you're saying. You're not wrong. Here's the other thing. You know somebody for three months and you're already digging into some of this, some heavy intimate private stuff, man. That tells me that you haven't created an ecosystem y'all haven't

had enough time to create an ecosystem of trust and when she when she when you told her your number or she told you her number she saw you wince right she saw you be like what and then in her mind she's like oh man it's double that or whatever, you know, whatever it is. There's not a, there's not a platform of trust here. There's not a platform of safety here going both ways. She doesn't feel safe to tell you, to be honest with you. You don't, you want to know, but you don't really want to know. See what I'm saying? Yes, sir. So here's, here's your path moving forward. Let's say, no, she's the one I'm saying? Yes, sir. So here's your path moving forward.

Let's say she's the one I'm interested in creating a life with her. Spend the next six months or a year getting to know her. Okay? Less about what activities she has or has not participated in, although that can be an important part of intimacy and conversation if that's important to you. Cool. But more so, what makes her feel safe what makes her feel loved what makes you feel safe what makes you feel loved what are some joint

uh what's a joint vision for your future that y'all are going to share together that you're both going to build together right and so if there's judgment here, the judgment is going to be, is she who she says she is in partnering with you to create a life together that doesn't exist yet? Not on things that happened before y'all even met. Does that make sense? Yeah, that makes perfect sense. So here's the reality reality. Have you had flashes of her with somebody else? Yes, sir. There's been times yes sir okay um are you worried that when y'all are making out that she's thinking of somebody else sometimes yes sir okay cool no and i appreciate your honesty

that happens to everybody everybody happens to you okay here's the choice you have in that moment. That's your body trying to protect you from, do I, am I, am I enough? Am I as good as, is she going to leave me? Because sex and intimacy making it, it's all,

it's all vulnerability, right? It's like saying you're, you are entering into my body, right? You are, or I'm entering into your body. Like we are super close.

It's as intimate as it gets. It's normal that your body and your brain wants to know if you measure up. It's normal if your body and your brain wants to know if you are worthy, okay? At that moment, you have a choice. Am I going to meditate on these images? Am I going to meditate on these worries? Am I going to ruminate or am I going to, nope, I'm not. I'm going to replace it with another image, which is us holding hands, which is us laughing really, really hard, which is her, you know, throwing food at me and me cracking up and so hard I can't breathe. I get to pick what images I meditate on.

Does that make sense? And what you're going to do is this is just slowly practicing changing your thoughts. Okay? It's practicing not dwelling on that stuff. You're a guy who likes control and you're a guy who likes power. So this is going to be new for you. Is that fair? Yes.

Okay. Practicing not thinking about those things is a form of submission. It's a form of vulnerability. It's a form of choosing to be healthy in the present and moving forward and not trying to tighten your grip on everything that you don't like. And this is hard, man. So here's my question. Can you do that? I feel like I can do that. I want to do that. Do you? Yes, I do. What's the number that will be too high?

25. Why 25 25 not 24 pretty arbitrary that's a good question I don't know exactly why 24 is not as bad as 25 you get what I'm driving at here yes I do I know exactly what you're doing. Go back to this. She's not less than. Yes.

She sounds like for her, for you to have met her three months ago and you'd already be captivated enough to say, I want to hitch my wagons to her for the rest of my life. She has to be pretty remarkable. Is that fair?

Yes, I would absolutely agree with that. Do y'all share common values moving forward? Yes, sure. Common values, in fact, I know. Do y'all want to build a life together? Yes, we do. Okay. That life can only be built on trust and care. And so I would suggest that you reach out to her and you say, hey, I've already started this off on the wrong foot. I came into this relationship with a series of metrics. I had to have more sexual partners than the person I was going to marry. I have to be in control. I have to make these decisions. And I've realized that's a terrible way to start a relationship.

So I want to do over. I want to redo. I want to get to know you and I want to love you and I want to create a world in our relationship where you feel safe to tell me the truth. And yes, I might be frustrated. Yes, I might be mad about things you did in the past, but I'm not from a judgmental thing, just from a, man, I wish I'd met you 10 years ago. I wish I'd met you 20 years ago. I'd only just met you now. And then understand that whatever experiences she's had before

brought her to now. And you and only you can choose. Am I going to go all in on this? Am I going to choose to change my thoughts? Am I going to choose to not meditate on things that may or may not have happened because your fantasy world will be way crazier than what actually happened am i going to not sit in judgment of her by the way i did the same stuff just not as many maybe i'm jealous whatever that whatever your ego is telling you i'm going to set my ego aside as As the great Ryan Holiday says, ego is the enemy, man.

Ego screws up everything. I'm just going to look at this beautiful woman across the table that I'm having true affection for and say, from this moment forward, how can I love her recklessly and wildly until the end of time? And how can her and I join forces to build an incredible new world? That's the thing. That's what's before you. And if you can't do that, man, let her go. Let her go. Say, I just can't. This is always going to be a hangup for me. It's always going to be a thing. It's been super fun getting to know you for three months. And it's awesome knowing that my life's going to be changed because I met you, but I'm going to move on. And I'm not going to judge you for that, dude. The thing I'm going to know you for three months. And it's awesome knowing that my life's going to

be changed because I met you, but I'm going to move on. And I'm not going to judge you for that, dude. The thing I'm going to judge you for, the thing I'm going to get pissed off at you for is if you drag her along, you drag her through the mud, you like a puppy who poops in the living room floor, you take her nose and you rub it in her past choices. You weren't there. So you don't get a vote in what happened in the past. What you get a vote in is who you choose to be moving forward. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go to April in Fort Wayne, Indiana. What's up, April? Hi, Dr. John. I don't know why I just did that West Texas accent in fort wayne indiana

what is the accent of fort wayne indiana i feel like we have no accent there's just corn here incredible all right so what's up april okay so my question is how do i support my son and his choice to have or not have a relationship with his bio dad's family after his dad committed suicide whoa whoa whoa you're ready for a little backstory yeah walking me through this that was i didn't see that curveball coming okay sorry no hey it's hey you you get a prize it's it's rare that i'm like wait what i thought you were gonna say he's dipping again or something. So no, this is very much a left turn.

Okay. So, um, your son's dad took his, died by suicide, right? Were y'all married? No. Okay. So we had his dad and I had him when we were in high school and his dad was really involved for like the first year. Okay.

And then we didn't see him again. Oh, wow. Okay. Until I went to the funeral. Oh, geez. Okay. And how long ago did he pass away? So it's been a few years.

Okay. So it's kind of been like a buildup, I guess, to this point. He killed himself two days before my son turned five, two days before his birthday. And of course, as soon as he died, then his family came out of the woodwork because they hadn't seen them either. And they really wanted to have a relationship

with my son. Of course. And I was young. So I kind of just took the advice I was given from people that were well-meaning, but they had never been through this. Sure. Which is kind of why I'm calling you because I need really good advice from maybe an outsider. My son is now 13. So what advice did you follow? Did you connect him with his extended family or did you circle around? Yes, so that's what we did. Okay.

We started out, we came up with, they wanted him every other holiday and we'd kind of work out in between. That was really good for a few years. And he didn't know them. No, he did not. So that was part of the juggle too, is trying to introduce him. Like we kind of went slowly introducing him. It was hard to explain. I had, I had started dating someone else. So when he was two, we started dating. When we turned three, we moved in together. But as far back as he can remember, that is his dad. Okay. The person that you, do you still, are you still with that person now? Yeah. Okay. We've been married 10 years. Okay. So that's his

dad. Yeah, that is his dad. He has no memories at all of his dad, which I think is kind of one thing that's leading us to the point we are right now, which is his bio family has slowly started to kind of back out. And he is also slowly backing out, but it's Christmas this week. And so they're calling now because they would like to see him for Christmas, even though they haven't seen him all year and have only talked to him a few times. He does not want to go. He has been very forward with me. We have a really good relationship, him and I, probably because I was so young and we really grew up together, but he's very open. We have a very good him and I line of communication.

He feels comfortable telling me exactly how he feels. So I know his big issues on why he chooses. I just don't know if I should be like, hey, you really need to go forward with this or if it's okay to say, hey, it's fine. Take a break from that relationship for a while absolutely yes um here's what's happening right like when he's six seven eight going to spend time young kids especially not all of them because people are gonna be listening to me like not my kid

kids are great when they have to at at putting on a brave face and smiling. And also, the novelty of new adults who are kind and doting and loving can really fill a kid's sails and give them some real propulsion forward. My daughter, Josephine, she had a babysitter a few months ago, and the babysitter had to go home and check on some things. Well, at home was the babysitter's mom and the babysitter's grandmother. They all ended up going out to a park together, and at the end of the day, that grandmother said, well, it looks like I just got myself a new granddaughter. And Josephine, my daughter, is mayhem. She's hilarious to be around, and if you're in her good graces, she is like a magnet. She's incredible. She has retold that story a thousand times, right? Of how this, these, these other adults

took her in and were like, you're, I got a new grand, right? She's told that story over and over and over. I tell you that to tell you the age that we're talking about here, the developmental stages, 5, 6, 7, 8, they're wired for doting. They're wired for just smiling and scanning, and they're wired for adults who say, you're welcome here. When they get to be 11, 12, 13, they begin to understand what's actually going on. They can also begin to sense, oh, you are using me because you're not okay. Which is one thing he has expressed to me. He says, I feel like the relationship is contingent on their grief. Yes. And I hate that he feels that way.

Well, he's 12 and 13 and 14 and 15 year olds are 16 year olds and i i think we could go back on in evolutionary psychology and kind of work through it but they are their their sonar is incredibly precise they feel it that's why kids when they're responsible for their parents like don't make dad mad, don't make, they, they, they create entire new pathways for their life that ends up in, in adulthood. Right? So your son is very onto it. He gets it. He also wants to honor you because y'all are close and he also doesn't want to be a jerk. Is that fair? Right. So he feels stuck. Um, Here's another thing he's doing right now.

His biological, he's going to start asking as he goes through puberty and beyond, he's going to start asking, who am I in a profound way? He is going to have to come to terms with half of him chose to die. Right. Which we kind of a little bit are getting into that. You can talk about it all day long This is something that will come from the inside out Okay, and by the way for those people who are into who are suicidologists who are into studying this I understand that what I just said him choosing to die is a controversial. I don't mean for it to be that way

But for my 13 year old my dad made a to not, he'd rather be gone than with me. He'd rather be gone than know me any further because 13-year-olds are very centric, like them's I-centric. So he's got to make, he's got to come to terms with that. And he's also has to come to terms with practicing autonomy. The world ripped his dad from him at the age of five. And his father, the guy he's with, I mean, I'm sorry, his dad every day that he's with, he loves and all that. But that lingering, who am I? And I want to get to know myself is gone. And the world took that from him. And so he feels powerless is what I'm getting at. And so him practicing, I have some tiny bit of autonomy. I get to choose when my body says no, I get to

honor that. And you as his mom play a cornerstone role in teaching him, nope, your body is correct. And we're going to honor what that body says. Now, this is a tight rope to walk because sometimes his body's going to make, I don't want to go to school and I don't want to go to work. And I don't, you know, I want to smoke weed or whatever. And then you're going to be like, I don't really care what your body says don't wanna go to work and I don't, you know, I wanna smoke weed or whatever. And then you're gonna be like, I don't really care what your body says. You're not doing that, right? So there's gonna be a balance here.

But when it comes to relationships, I would really trust his intuition right now. This means I know a really hard conversation between you and his grandparents. His family. Yeah. And let's be honest, he is their last shred

of their lost son. I get it. I totally get it. And I get the devastation and the heartbreak. So here's what we're doing. Anytime there's a tragedy like this, you instantly shift

from a four to five year game. Hope he goes to a good college and I hope he starts dating somebody nice. You immediately shift from a four to five year game to a 25 year game. I hope that he is a functioning, loving, productive human being at the age of 45 now after his dad died by suicide.

That's the transition we're making. Okay. We're playing a long, long game. What does that mean? That means we're going to have a lot of grace because he's going to really struggle when he's 15, 16, 17. We're just going to know that going in. It's going to be tough. He's going to be feeling untethered and you're going to be thinking, he's got a dad here that loves him. He's been here since he was a, you're right. And he has a body saying, where's home where's my home base and only half of it is there right so he's going to be flopping around the wind like a kite we're playing a 25 year game we're not playing a are you in the key club are you in spanish club too we're playing a longer

game than that that's the conversation you have with grandparents if we force this now at 13, 14, and 15, the moment he turns 18, he'll be a ghost to them. Right? And so what would be better for them is to all record him a message, to write him letters, to give him things tangibly that he can hold, not just crappy gifts, but actual connections, and give those to him for Christmas. And I'm even okay with this. I'm not okay with lying, but I'm okay with you taking it on the chin this year and saying, hey, it's just not a good year for our family when it comes to travel, when it comes to connectivity, it's just not a good year for us. But we will do what we can in the coming year to see if there's an opportunity to make this thing work. Can I ask you one more question? Of course.

Okay. So one thing that he pointed out to me that he really doesn't like, and I don't know if I should be the one to express this to them or if I should wait on him to come into it on his own because I feel like maybe it'll change.

But at this point, he says it really bothers him when he goes to see them or talks to them and anything that happens they say oh your dad was just like that um yeah he says to me like he feels no connection because he has zero memory of him right and so he's like it's like they're telling me i'm like a stranger and it makes him uncomfortable absolutely i don't want him to be uncomfortable so i feel like i should say Absolutely. I don't want him to be uncomfortable. So I feel like I should say something, but I don't know how to do it in a way that's

like loving and not insulting to them. Yeah, that's going to switch in two, three, four or five years. It's going to be the deepest honor in his life to know that there was somebody else that walked steps before him. Okay. And so this is, it may be something you mentioned. If you're having this conversation about, hey, this just isn't a good year for us, or little Charlie's not doing well this year,

or we're going to just circle up and have a really intimate, quiet family Christmas, and so this isn't going to be a good time. If somebody in that family were to say who you're talking to, yeah, we understand it's super hard on that little boy and we miss him. And, but I understand that he's 13 and this is just a tough time for him. That might be a good moment to say, hey, one thing to keep in mind when he does come around again, references to his dad you walk like him you laugh just like him that make him really uncomfortable and i want him to have a relationship with y'all down the road um that's one job to know that he's mentioned that that might be a good moment for that otherwise that's a thing between y'all two and if he was my son and he was 14 and he'd made the decision, I want to go do Christmas with my one day with the extended family, the people I shared genetics with down the line.

I would let him know, hey, people are going to make comments about how you laugh like your dad or your birth father. They're going to make – just know that. Just know that that's their way of telling you that they love you and that they are glad that you're there and you see what i'm saying it's a way of teaching him hey they're not trying to be ugly they're just trying to honor the loss of the person that they loved but i think it's important for everybody to note that's not his job his job isn't to heal everybody else he's a 13 year old little boy he can't carry the grief of his extended family it's their job to do their healing on their own and then hopefully down the road there's a 13 year old little boy. He can't carry the grief of his extended family It's their job to do their healing on their own and then hopefully down the road There's a way that people can we can honor everybody can honor each other

right, um And I guess here's a good point to say if he never comes around to them. I He doesn't have to as far as i'm concerned If next year in the year after in the year after he just does not have a connection and does not want to go spend a holiday with strangers, I'm okay with that. I'm going to let him have that autonomy. There will come a day when he wants to know about his heritage and he wants to know where he's from. And we want to preserve those relationships, the trail, the path to those relationships so that when he comes a knocking, he has a safe place to go. He's interested in going, not he decides I'm going to bury my heritage because I don't want to know because I hate those people. That's a recipe for all kinds

of psychological dysfunction down the road. So you're good, good, good mom. God almighty, he's lucky to have you. And I'm so sorry about your loss. I know even though it's been a long time, holidays just bring all that stuff up. Have the hard conversation with the other family. Tell your son that you honor his wishes and that when his gut tells him that you want to teach him that his body's telling him the truth. And when the body says, no, let's listen to it. But he still has to go to school and make his bed, right? Thank you so much for the call.

We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at

work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk

with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right. Let's go to Marie in Stevens Point, Wisconsin. What's up, Marie? Hey, Dr. Jim. Thanks for having me on your show.

Of course. What's happening? Okay. So next summer, I am getting married. Oh, gross. Do you like him? Yes. All right. Good for you. Hey, I'm excited for you. Good for you. Thank you. So my parents have given the greatest gift of setting up a whole mutual fund

that's specifically going to be used for the wedding and then anything left over, they said we could use straight towards our house down payment. Are y'all loping and just taking all the money and dumping it on your house? No, we're having a wedding, but my parents are kind of insistent that we have like a big, big, expensive party and we don't really want that and i'm having a hard time communicating with them to have us both be on the same page all right i'm going to give you my opinion. This doesn't represent the people I work for. This doesn't represent my wife, my family. This represents just me. Okay?

Okay. Is that cool? Yeah. If you are accepting their money, you're also accepting what that money is buying them, which is the choice to run your wedding. I don't like it for you. It makes me oogie, but they have purchased their influence, their opinions, their choices on how you are going to celebrate your marriage

because they're paying for it. And so either y'all can make peace with it and just say, cool, y'all are paying for it. Let's blow it out. Or you can have a really uncomfortable conversation that goes something like, we value having a paid off house more than we have one big wild party. So we want this to be as small as possible so that we can put the rest of the money towards our house. And if they say that's, that's, have they, have they, let me ask,

have they said like, well, your guests are really gonna, have they said that? All right. Well, they keep going back and forth saying that they had a small wedding. So we're allowed to have whatever we want and that the day is about the two of us. So we get to make all the decisions and then when we tell them something they say that's tacky and we shouldn't be skimping out our guests because they have to travel and like pay for the hotel so we should be i love it giving them the best dessert or whatever i love it but then they turn around and say, but it's your wedding.

So it's, do you guys get to choose? Okay. Just move forward knowing you don't get a choice. Okay. Not even a little one. Um, at some point you can sit down with,

with, um, is this your parents? Yes. You can sit down with your mom or dad and say, how about this? Y'all designed the wedding that y'all want to pay for, and we will show up and be ready to party. Okay.

And that will probably be uncomfortable. Or they might say, oh, thank God. What would they say if you sat down and said, hey, we've just had an epiphany. I don't want to put any more tacky ideas in front of you. I don't want to put any more things that you think are going to be disrespectful to the guests. So how about this? Y'all plan an amazing wedding. Y'all are paying for it. You plan an amazing wedding and we will be there and we will, we will dance the night away. What would you, what would they do if you said that? Um, I think they'd be happy about that, but they also don't want to plan the whole thing

either. Because we've already picked out most of the stuff, and now it's just kind of coming down to extra bands and wedding favors and what dessert people to go with. Is the money worth it? I mean... How much are we talking? uh like a hundred k how much are you spending on this week i was gonna say i'll sell my integrity for a hundred thousand dollars let's be clear um not really but kind of how much is this wedding gonna cost uh right now on my budget sheet, it's like 35. Okay. And which part of it are you feeling uncomfortable with as though it violates some sort of core principle in you?

I'm doing so much money on one day. But it's not your money. So why does it bother you? I don't know. I guess it just seems like a really big number. It's a huge number. Is there a part of this that you have an identity of yourself? A story you tell yourself that those type of weddings are for those type of women? Or those type of weddings are for those type of women or those type of weddings are for i'm i'm i'm not that i am i'm something else there's a great theologian that said people can often be as proud of the things they don't have as those as other people are of the things they do have

that's that's a that's a thing i fall into is that is that what you're struggling with or is this just purely like No this is insane This is one night It's not worth $35,000 It's a mix of both It's definitely both Because I don't want to paint your parents in a bad light

It sounds like they're willing to put $55,000 or $65,000 Down on your house for you Which by the way They're going to have an opinion about which house you buy willing to put $55,000 or $65,000 down on your house for you, which, by the way, they're going to have an opinion about which house you buy and where you buy it and what kind of decorations you have in your house and what's tacky. There comes a moment in your young marriage and you have to decide. They've got a lot of money and we don't want it.

I'm just trying to decide, like, where do I put my foot down on this? Where do you want to put it down? Because the house buying process will be exactly the same. And then when they start a college fund for your first child, it will be the exact same. This is for wherever he or she wants to go to college, whatever. Well, he wants to actually go to trade school. Well, he needs to go to Stanford. school well this is we this scene he's go Stanford right

this is going to happen forever this is probably happened your whole life is that fair yeah and so you eat I mean the two choices before you that I could see is you make peace with it or you say no thank you all right

what do you what are you going to do? I don't want to have a bad relationship with my parents. So I'm thinking Ah, see, here's where that's... Oh, Marie, don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. You know what you just did? You took their

relational dysfunction and made it your job to fix it. I don't want to have a bad relationship with them, so I guess I will fill in the blank. Just take their money. Or I'll just have the wedding they want me to have. Or I'll just buy whatever house they tell me I need to buy. Or I'll just start from the completely other end. For the first time in your life, Marie, you've never done this. For the first time, do it. Say, what kind of life do I want to have? What kind of life do I want to have? What is important to me and my fiance? What kind of

home do we want to have? What kind of party do we want to have celebrating our marriage? And if that means a low key party that has really expensive desserts, all right. Or no, it's a big deal to me that we don't have expensive desserts. I want to donate that money to a local food bank. Great. Tell your parents. But don't do things, Don't continue to come. You've been doing this your whole life. And now you're making a new home. This is what family tree, changing your family tree looks like. I'm not going to use my money to get to buy influence over my kids' lives.

I'm going to love them unconditionally. See what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. Does that sound bonkers? No. Does it sound even possible? Like something you're even interested in or not really? I mean, it sounds possible. You don't sound like it one bit.

No, I'm just, no, I'm just, I'm a pretty quiet person. So I'm just like scared to talk to them. Here's your homework assignment. You ready? Yes. Okay. Tonight, I want you to sit down with a piece of paper, not on a computer, either with a piece of paper. You know what? I don't care if it's on a computer. I don't care. Just not on a computer, either with a piece of paper. You know what?

I don't care if it's on a computer. I don't care. Just not on your cell phone. And I want you to write down for the first time my dream wedding. Here's what it would look like. And I want you to write down my dream home. Here's what it would look like. And then in the next 48 to 72 hours, I want you to take your fiance out for some sort of meal with a blank sheet of paper. And I want you to say,

hey, we're building a new world together, a new life. What do we want this to look like? And I want you to be super specific. We want to have a home like this in this neighborhood and we want to have this many kids. And of course, all this will change, but you're practicing something you've never done, which is asking yourself, what do I actually want? Because right now you're a puppet for your parents' fantasy. And I'm not painting them in a bad light. They've done really well for themselves financially. They've planned ahead and they've planned ahead with the purpose of our kids will have weddings that look like this

and our kids will have homes that look like that. Our kids will drive cars that look like this. Our kids will have their own children, our grandkids that will go to schools like this. And what you are is a pawn in somebody else's life. And man, being a pawn in somebody else's life with that kind of resources, you get to drive nice cars and your kids get to go to cool schools and go on great family vacations. And you also go out in the backyard with a shovel and dig a deep hole and bury yourself in the process I don't think it has to be either or I think there can be a great conversation about hey

why don't y'all go ahead and just decide what we're having for dessert because it seems to be really important to you and it's not to us or hey we've just had a long hard conversation we're going to just return the money and we're going to figure it out on our own because we want to have our kind of wedding we want to have our kind of home and i think it's important that we start from scratch here put that into a college fund for the grandkids and maybe uh maybe they'll use that one day or just make peace, man. Just get the fancy desserts and move on with your day. Get a couple of, get like 40 or 50 bags of beef and cheddars from Arby's. Or Whoppers with cheese. That would be incredible. What a flex that would be. Like,

here's your fancy desserts and there's the Arby's and Burger King table. That would be dope, actually. It's called compromise, right? Thank you for the call. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Today's song of the day is from a band I've never heard of, I'm ashamed to say. They're all kind of making fun of me back in the booth. I need to quit listening to my old metal CDs, I guess. As Kelly said, they have what? Bouncy little bass lines.

Bouncy little bass lines. It's not you talking about some guys in the club, but songs from a band called the 1975. And the song's called human too considering me looking through you thinking it was something i used to do i thought i'd done anger i thought i'd done shame but i've always been the same well don't you know that i'm human too you know that you're a human too darling that's what humans do so tell me you're a human don't you know that I'm a human too?

It sounds like a robot, like at the end of a Disney movie. Don't you know I'm a human too? Yes, I do. Yes, I do. We'll see you soon.