The Dr. John Delony Show - My Girlfriend Is Asking Me for Something I Can’t Give

Episode Date: December 3, 2025

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All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in marriage getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at $749 a couple. Get yours at ramsysolutions.com slash getaway. I've been dating this lady for about six months, and I got to know her a while. I was going through my divorce, and I was always very upfront that I wasn't ready to commit to more things.

Is it the right thing to break it up? No pun intended, but you're divorcing yourself from the fact that this lady likes you. And I think the question you have to ask yourself is, What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. Taking your calls here in Nashville, Tennessee from people all over the planet. Real people going through real challenges in their life. dealing with their mental and emotional health,

the relationships, tragedies, tough stuff. Whatever you got going on in your life, I'm committed to sitting with you and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. It's got to San Jose, California, and talk to Phil. What's up, Phil? Hey, Doc. Can I just say that this is great?

Thank you very much for having my call. I've been listening to your program for about a year. It's great. Well, dude, I'm grateful you've been listening and I'm extra grateful that you called in, brother. I appreciate it, man. So let's just get into it. So I've been dating this lady for about exclusively for six months, and I got to know her

about 18 months ago, a while it was going through the process of my divorce, and I've been divorced since August last year. And basically what's happening is since we got exclusive, I thought the right questions to make were, okay, so what did you expect? out of this, right? Do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids and how that's going to go? And I was always very upfront and sincere that I wasn't ready to commit to more things. And now the questions keep on surfacing. We talked on a really almost weekly basis about this of what she wants, if she wants to have kids, wants to get married. And she doesn't

want to have it now, but she wants a commitment for me. Like, oh, am I going to be on the long road? And I don't think I'm ready for that. And is it the right thing to break it up since she wants more and I can't give her? I'm smiling, dude, because she wants her some fool. Dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, yeah. So are you asking me if because right now a year of getting after a year of getting to know somebody six months in she wants

almost you're like like a letter of intent right like you're not going to buy the house now but I want you to go ahead and sign this paper that says one day you're going to buy this house right should you go ahead and just call it off is that what you're asking? Yeah yeah yeah that's basically it

because at this age right I'm 35 she's 34 and, of course, it's nothing catastrophic, but let's say if she really wants to have kids, it's a great time to prepare, right? Even if we're not going to have kids right now in the next year or two, but if I'm not certain about this and I already have a kid, right? My boy is great, 11 years old. We have a great relationship and all that, but I'm not ready, right?

Even if she wants to see opportunities, see other people that are actually on board and will be ready to go, right? so to say, even if she takes a little bit more time. You're delineating this into a series of like, no pun intended, but you're divorcing yourself from the fact that this lady likes you. Yeah. And so don't make it about this kid thing and this preparation thing. I mean, those are part of it, but I think she likes you.

Yes, she does. And she would commit, she would jump off the high dive with you and say, I'll spend the rest of my life with you. And so, yes, she could go check out other options, right? She could go windows shopping or swipe writing for other people who might fit, like, a commitment profile. But I don't want to blow past the fact that she likes you. And I think the question you have to ask yourself is, do you want to break up with her? And I wouldn't, if you love hanging out with her, you've developed.

a great relationship with her. You think she's great and wonderful. You're just not in a place where I can say, I've got a kid already where if I want to get married again, if I want to have kids again, all that kind of stuff, that's okay, but that's going to be her relationship to terminate. If you are finding out, and tell me if I'm wrong here, if you're finding out that there's a core disagreement and her way of handling that disagreement is bringing it up in long drying out conversations every week and you're beginning to ask yourself, do I want to spend

the rest of my life with somebody who this is how they handle disagreements? Then be honest about that. But if you're saying, I love hanging out with you, you're the best, I am not going to give you this commitment right now. It's not the stage of a life I am in.

Then she gets to decide whether she wants to be with you or not. But I don't want you to think I need to break up with her because I'm going to do her a favor, as long as you're being honest and keeping everything above board and on the table. You get what I'm saying? Yeah.

But if you've met a wonderful person, she was great to talk with as you were going through, like the business transaction part of a divorce, which is always awful. And then now you'll have gotten romantically interested in each other, and she's been a great person to hang out

with the last six months, but you're recognizing, I'm not going to marry this person. then have the courage to say don't blame it on the value thing or I can't make this commitment just say man we've had a great year together and I'm gonna go ahead and call it

is that makes sense what I'm saying yeah that makes sense it's uh yeah it's just because all this process right I've been outsourcing my sanity to other people right because just divorce was all that weird stuff that goes through and I've talked to my sister

was she on my same age as me and she said, you know, just don't waste her time, right? Because it's oppressive time for her. Yeah, but that's really... That's been hammering my head. That's disempowering her. You're wasting her time

if you're lying to her. I see. You're wasting her time if you're making promises that you know you're not going to keep. You're not wasting her time if you're telling the truth. If I would say her to her, right?

Oh, I really want to marry you and I want to have kids. So in two, three years, we'll figure this out. That would be a lie, right? And then that would be me wasting her time. Is that correct? That's the way I see it and read it. I see.

She gets to be an adult. And I think it's unfair or it's very disempowering for you to think I am going to decide what's best for you. And so I'm going to go ahead and blow up both of our lives because I think I don't want you to, I'm gonna take your grown-up decisions away from you and I'm gonna make them for you. Understood.

Right? She gets to be a grown-up and decide, do I love Phil and do I, am I willing to put the time in with Phil knowing he's being very honest with me that he, there's a great chance he doesn't wanna have any more kids. there's a great chance he's not going to want to get married anytime soon. And you have to ask yourself, is she pretty wonderful and amazing? And in two years,

if she's moved on with her life and the smoke is cleared and I am ready to put both feet back in the boat with one person, am I going to kick myself for not having married her? And that's the dance of meeting somebody new, right? That's why it's so like, ah, and chaotic and fun and scary and exciting. It's all those things, all at once. Mm-hmm. Can you look yourself in the mirror and say, I'm 100% honest with her?

Yeah, yeah. I've been overly honest. I took myself upon that I wouldn't let anything unsaid anymore because during my relationship, right, when I was married, I left a lot of things unsaid. I guess, oh, things are going to get better eventually, right? something like that. So a lot of things went unsaid. So I took upon me that going forward, especially in a relationship, in an intimate relationship, I won't let anything go by without saying all the words, right? Like you explain, right? I have to draw it. So it's not only

the words, right, that we have the same image and head on our, on our mind. I love it. Okay. let me um let me go one step further i i'm i'm this is what's popping into my mind here but it's that that scene in dumb and dumber when he's like so do we have a chance together like one and a thousand and she's like more like one in a million and he smiles and he's like so you're telling me there's a chance right yeah it may be if you're being honest like you're laying it all out on the table yeah and you're saying things like i don't know or maybe in two years. And you can see this person in front of you hearing that as,

so you're telling me there's a chance. The next level, and this is a personal conviction of mine, that when you are in a relationship with anybody, whether you're boss employee, friend to friend, and or especially romantic relationships, it's my job to learn to speak in a language that you can hear. And so if you are getting that sentence, you spend a year with this person, you've gotten connected to this person, if you can see she's not hearing the words that you're saying, my challenge to you would be go one level deeper, which might look like, here's the deal. I cannot make promises or predictions for how I'm going to feel in a year from now. I'm going to ask that we don't have the marriage, or kid conversation for six months.

I don't want to have that conversation again. And that would be speaking in a language that says, oh, I'm not telling you there's a chance. And I'm telling you right now, I don't want to continue in this pattern because we're starting to get into this dance where you have a conversation. I try to be honest with you.

I get overly honest with you. And then I say, well, maybe. And now she's back to, so tell me there's a chance. And now we're just dancing. We're just in the same rhythm. Yeah, yeah. And so somebody's got to break the dance.

Yeah, because it's just she went through also a traumatic divorce and all that. Let's not get into that. But she doesn't have a track record of taking the best decisions for herself. That's why it's always not your job. Yeah. Your job is to love well, to be completely honest, and to speak in a language that she can hear. it's her job to go get therapy it's her job to your job to treat her with dignity and respect and honor all the time it's her job to heal from her divorce it's her job to if she struggles with making good decisions and with romantic partners to go dig into why that's happening

but you can't help it if you are completely honest you put everything on the table and she refuses to hear it because then you're going to end up saying i don't want to be with you in a romantic relationship not because one day you want to have kids and I might not want to have kids but because we're not like we're not able to speak to each other in a way that we can

we can both hear each other I think that makes a lot of sense are you in? Are you going to are you out? That is the point right? Let me challenge you here if you're going to break up with her have the courage to break up with her

because you no longer want to be in a romantic relationship with her, not because you're trying to pseudo-nobley protect her from herself? Understood. Fair? That is fair. I think it's a clear path forward.

Cool. But yeah, yeah, it's a lot of think about. If I can say this, dude, I'm honored to know a man who learned from his previous relationship and is committed to hanging in there and not hanging in there to making significant changes moving forward. Like, I'm going to always tell the truth. I'm going to always put things on the table.

I'm going to have hard conversations. That's awesome. That means you grew and you learned from your last one. And that's amazing. And it's tough when we fall in love with somebody who we like being with and they want more from us than we want to give or that we are able to give at this time. and it looks like the only problem in front of us is a calendar issue.

I promise you that's not the biggest challenge. The biggest challenge is how y'all are trying to process this thing. But good on you, man. The best you can do is treat her with honesty and dignity and respect and to let her be a grown-up and make grown-up decisions too. Thanks for the call, my brother. We come back. We talk to a woman who is coming to terms with being pregnant yet again.

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That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, I've got to Kansas City, Missouri and Dr. Kay. What's up, Kay? Not much, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing good. Okay, so I have on my call sheet here. The note says talking to a woman who's coming to terms of being pregnant again. And we had an exchange earlier where we tried to.

start the call and stop the call. And there were kids in the background. So I imagine that's what this calls about, huh? You got a lot going on, huh? Always, always, always. Man, I'm so glad that you called, man. I'm so glad. All right, tell me about it. So, yes, so just a little background. My husband and I have three beautiful little boys. And at the beginning of September, I found out that we are expecting number four. And I actually, when I had originally wrote in, I hadn't told my husband yet, but I just told my husband a couple of days ago. How'd that go? It went great. He loves babies and, you know, the more the merrier for him.

So my main question is, how do I come to terms with having another baby, which, of course, is a blessing, but I did not feel ready, and I don't feel ready or confident right now. I just feel overwhelmed. Yeah. Oh, I love it. I love it. I love it. Um, how old are your kids? So my oldest is seven, and then I have a three-year-old and a one-year-old. Oh, boy. Yeah. And, um, my, my oldest is special needs. Okay. And our second born is, um, I guess you could say medically complex. Okay. So, tell me about special needs. needs? So he is autistic. We are in the diagnostic process with that. We have been on the wait list for two years. And by God's blessing, he actually has an evaluation here in the next couple

weeks. So we feel great about that. But that comes with its own challenges. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Man. Okay, so I want to I love that that's one of my favorite noises in the world now that I have a 15 year old who just goes I love hearing a baby say it's say it all right so let me start here okay there are no bad thoughts okay okay you don't have to preface everything with and I know it's a blessing and I know yada yada and I know there's women who want to have kids who can't get pregnant you don't have to preface any of it with that okay you're allowed to say

wait what you're allowed to say the words I didn't want a fourth kid right now you're not a bad mother for thinking that you're not a bad mom for thinking I don't know how this is going to be physically and or psychologically and or emotionally possible. It's okay to say those things.

In fact, the thing I'll ask you to do is don't just keep all those thoughts in your mind and in your chest, but find somebody you can say those things out loud too, okay? Okay. You're a great mom, okay? Okay. All that's okay.

Because here's what I know. I know that when that baby's born, you're going to be excited. I know as this thing kicks in, I mean, how far long are you? About between 10 and 12 weeks. Okay. As this thing starts to, you know, the ball starts rolling downhill here pretty quick. Like, once you know, once you start feeling that whole thing and you, here we go again, you know you'll get excited.

You know how that will play out. You're allowed to look around and go, what is going to happen now? Yeah. You're allowed to ask hard questions about, hey, our marriage was already kind of sketch with a seven, a three, and a one-year-old. And wait, what? Like, you're allowed to think those things. I don't know how we're going to afford this. I don't know how I'm going to balance a seven-year-old or an eight-year-old in ABA care plus doctor visits, plus now, like, OBGYN visits again on the week, like all of those things.

because those are all real, right? Yeah. And forget all of that for a second. How have you been after each one of these pregnancies? Have you struggled? So on top of all this, it has been a particularly hard year for us. I actually struggled with depression for the first time this year. And so I feel like I just got to a good spot on that.

Yeah. And pregnancy is not kind to me particularly. I'm not one of those women that glow and they're beautiful and have all this energy and the great hair. Like, that's not me. I spend most of my time with the head and the toilet kind of thing. So, you know, it's not exactly. I look forward to the ending, but the nine months in between is rough. And you've got a three-year-old and a one-year-old.

So you've already had somebody who was nursing while you were throwing up, right? yeah yeah with a husband outside the bathroom being like are we gonna start having sex again soon like you've already been through all of this yeah right yeah and so whenever somebody tells me they're feeling overwhelmed the thing i read that the a one number one thing is i want you to take out a pen and a paper and write down every single solitary thing you feel overwhelmed about get it out of your body and onto paper and that has a way of a illuminating what actual challenges are ahead of you if you all have financial challenges like you have a real math problem that one's not going to go away if you have a my body doesn't do pregnancy well so i'm going to be thrown up a lot and now i'm going to

have diapers to change and a kid breastfeeding and i'm good you're going to have all that those are real challenges the existential challenge of well what how am i going to how's my my kid with autism going to do driving school when i have those are ones you can be like hey you know what that's a problem for future me right it has it has a way of saying okay we need to tackle these challenges in order um how's your marriage right now um it's it's not bad Um, my husband is a, a first responder. Um, so he works 60 hours a week on a good week. Um, and he's gone a lot. And we, we live on a farm. I guess you could put it. And we're extremely rural. We have no family around to speak of. Um, and while we have a good church, our son's issues can be rather isolating for us. Yeah. And I think that takes its toll a little bit.

Yeah. So we just, we have a lot. And I mean, it's been a, it's been a long year. So I know, you know, it will get better progressively. What happened this year? So the beginning of this year, my father was diagnosed with stage four uncontrollable prostate cancer. And he's only 50. Sheesh.

Yeah. So that was a big deal. I had a brother exit the military last year, and he was not transitioning well this year. So we had to get him some help. My mother-in-law, who is very dependent on us, she had some major medical challenges this year that are continuing. So it was kind of... Give me a... I'm sorry, interrupt.

Give me a picture here. When you say very dependent on us, is your first responder? husband who's working 60 hours a week picking up a lot of that slack or is it you raising three kids now growing a fourth and also dealing with your dying dad and taking care of his mother probably the second okay this is where here's i'm going to tell you i'm going to tell you as directly as i can because i want to be honest with you okay and normally if we had two hours and we were just sitting down talking i would say this more gently right i would kind of meander to this point you're going to find your marriage is going to be in major major trouble if you don't put

some of this on the table for both of you okay in direct words like this we've reached a point where i can't do all of this and i have to prioritize our three kids and my kid your mother needs to find some support and help elsewhere right or you're going to have to pick up even another shift because we don't, I need some help here at the house. I can't do the farm and the chores and deal with my dying dad and be pregnant again with three kids, two of which have special needs. Okay. Like, like if you don't put those things on the table and he might say, hey, I have to drive an hour to work and I'm working 60 hours already. We can't do that. y'all are going to have to make some really hard choices

but those hard choices on the other side of those hard choices is probably some guilt but a ton of peace and freedom okay like I'll say it for you you are at capacity yeah and then now you're going to grow another human

actually you're beyond capacity and you're going to grow another person yeah so that means something has to give and i'd rather it give be given like intentionally we're going to have a hard conversation with my mother-in-law and we're going to have to help her liquidate her assets so that medicaid can step in and support and she's going to have to go live it up like

we're going to have some hard conversations like that or you're going to be having hard conversations with a with a whole you're going to have a whole different kind of hard conversations Mm-hmm Tell me about your ability to have those with your spouse

Are you all good at having hard conversations? Um, no. Tell me about that. So part of the I think what contributed to the depression I had earlier this year was I hit capacity and then I had to keep going. And so I found myself deep in burnout with nothing to give.

And like there was no, there wasn't anything I could offload. And I think it still feels like that sometimes. And when I try to have that conversation of, hey, we now have yet another baby, I can't do the entire farm. and the kids, and, you know, we have to homeschool our oldest because he can't go to school. So, I mean, it just, it all kind of falls on my plate. Not that he's dumping it on my plate, but that's just what our circumstances are giving us right now. And so when I bring those up, I think he perceives that as failure. There you go.

Like, okay. And he just said it. Yeah, he shuts down. Yeah, yeah. So here is, the way you articulated that is so beautiful, because here's the power. forward okay okay it is clear in the deck and saying hey we need to go get breakfast somewhere and if you've ever listened to my show i say that probably five times a show right we're going to go eat somewhere we're going to get away i hired a neighborhood kid to come in and y'all

may not even have a neighborhood but ask somebody from your church like we figured out a way to carve a pocket of time for us and i think the conversation begins with I'm so glad that I married you. And I feel lucky because you're such an amazing provider. And some things have to give. And sometimes it's as simple as starting a conversation with, I see you and I know you and I'm going to celebrate you because now and then that buys me permission for the challenge part.

or it's there's there's a way to basically say i need both of us to not run or hide or go into our fight or flight we need to have some really tough conversations i need you to be present here at the at the table and i've needed both of those in my life sometimes for my wife to say hey no hiding no yelling no kicking no fighting no screaming we got to have a hard conversation and then other times she has led up with i just want you to know that i know how hard you work and i'm so proud of you thank you i need some help and support and it might be if you have resources we're going to hire somebody to come way out in the country and help it might be who know we might need to sell the farm and move we might need to who knows what it's going to be but the the dream

that we're trying to hold together is no more Right. You don't seem convinced. No, I just, so I have tried to have these similar conversations, and he just, he thinks that we can power through, but it winds up looking like me powering through and him just, you know, staying on the course. And I, he does work hard, and I am so grateful, and I'm so proud of him.

And I try to articulate that to him as frequently as I can, but it seems like when I'm complimenting him I'm just drowning and you don't get any back yes and he has these goals and this picture of what he wants our family to look like

and our legacy to look like and we've worked so hard it just to him it feels like veering off course is to give up I know but he needs to know it's already off course it hasn't veered

it's crashed in a field somewhere he just won't he won't see it right yeah and it's it's letting him know hey the thing you think it's not like we're holding it together it's gone the marriage we had is over we're adding a fourth kid we've never been married with four kids yeah three of which are three and under for god's sakes yeah and the fourth is a special needs kid yeah my fear for you too is His determination to have this amazing picture, your determination to be an amazing mom, an amazing wife, to an amazing guy.

Y'all are both working really hard to try to keep the other person's picture afloat. He thinks this is what is going to be best for everybody. And you're like, all right, his picture is going to be best for everybody. And you're both going to end up calling back in the show one day and your marriage is going to be an ash. Right. And I don't want that for you.

Right. but it takes somebody to you've heard me say this like turn the music off and turn the lights on and maybe you writing all this stuff out and saying we need to decide three or four things that I'm going to stop doing and we either have to agree as a family we're not going to do it anymore you're going to have to pick up the slack or we're going to have to hire somebody but there's only so much energy to go around and now I've going to have three kids in diapers I'm not three kids in one of which is going to have to have a whole bunch of medical visits and like just putting it all boom boom boom boom boom boom boom and maybe if you bring three or four things to the table we can no longer be the support network for your mom

she's going to have to go be a grown up and get her own support network because it can't be yes because you're working 60 or 70 hours a week and i've got so much going on maybe but i think going back to that statement you said maybe i haven't been as direct as i need to be this is that moment and my hope and prayer is he can hear it that his wife loves him recognizes that he's awesome and also saying the picture the fantasy you have doesn't exist let's create one that is actually tangible and real i'm going to send you building a non-anxious life i want y'all both to read it together it might be a starting point for the first choice you have to make as a person who wants to have a well and whole household is we have to choose reality and there's some exercises in there that y'all

can do together that i think would be pretty instructive thank you for the call i'm really grateful okay there's no bad thoughts you can be frustrated and sad and oh my gosh here we go again and make sure that you also give honesty and credence to the good thoughts you're about to have another amazing little baby and sounds like you're a pretty amazing mom When we come back, a woman asks if she should tell her stepmom the truth about her dad's past. This time of year, we are giving our time, our money, and sometimes without meaning to, giving away our personal data to everyone all over the place. That's why I recommend delete me. And listen, I like a good deal as much as the next guy.

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Right now you can get 20% off your annual Delete Me plan when you go to join delete me.com slash Deloni. Go be safe in the digital world. That's join delete me.com slash deloney. All right, Denver, Colorado. Kelly's favorite place to go get high. Let's talk to Stephanie. What's up, Stephanie? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. I'm very excited to talk to you. I'm excited to talk to you. What's up? so um i try to calm myself down a little um so my my dad has been married to my stepmom for like coming up on 20 years so it's been a while um and she's you know a person i have a relationship with um and i just kind of know all these things about like when my parents got divorced and kind of why

they got divorced and things that happened back then that, like, I know he's lied about to her. For two decades? I mean, yeah, I think that, like, when, after they got married, she's a very, you know, faith-based person. And so he has become a person of faith. And so for a long time, I just assumed, you know, he's not lying. He's not doing that kind of stuff anymore. But.

Yeah, because Christian people in faith never lie. Right, well, of course, yeah. They always tell the truth. Right. I would just assume that he was being honest, or maybe she didn't know everything, but it wasn't a lie that he was telling. And but the last couple of years, there's been a few things that, like, I know he's telling her lies or the things that he's saying are lies. Have you confronted him about it? No.

Why not? Why not? I well I was thinking I was figuring you were going to ask me that I probably when I was younger I probably asked him some things like when I was a teenager and of course he's a pretty smooth talker so he can kind of he would always kind of legal his way out of questions he didn't really want to answer and I was kind of you know I'm the kid he's the dad it's not my job to tell him like how to be a better person or whatever so whatever and so the answer is no I haven't questioned him but I also feel like even if I did that what he would say to me would probably be lies and then if I said like oh well this is what I heard from mom and he'd be like oh well that's stuff between me and your mom and we should you know and she shouldn't be talking about stuff like that how old are you I'm 40 40 yeah and so he's been married to my stepmom for a long time and you know

know. And so I knew stuff, too, when my parents were getting divorced. Of course, I was younger and I didn't know details, but, like, they divorced because of, like, financial infidelity. And he was, like, even at one point, they were, like, franchise owners. And my mom, of course, doesn't know the whole story because she never really got it. But, like, he was told, you have to leave quietly or you're going to be prosecuted. So she, you know, and she, what's your question? Are you asking whether you should tell your stepmom after two decades that her dad her husband's been lying to her yes basically i i wouldn't do that okay um i would do this you're 40 years old now yeah 40 say i'm 40 i'm 40 okay it's time now i don't know what kind of hold he has over you yeah but you're 40 and

You're old enough now to be really quiet and direct and clear and concise. Yeah. Hey, dad, I need you to know something. I know that mom, stepmom doesn't have all the information. She doesn't, she's mentioning things the last few years. And it made me realize, oh, she doesn't know. Yeah. I need you to know.

I will never lie to her. yeah well you know no i'm telling you right now if she ever asks me a question i will never lie to her just want you to know that if there are conversations y'all have not had you should probably have them yeah period end of story yeah and so by giving him notice which he doesn't need or deserve but it's not about him it's about the kind of person you're going to be yeah i'm going to be a person who treats everybody with dignity and respect, whether they deserve it or not. Yeah.

Because all I can control is me. I'm going to let him know, and I'm not going to go tattle on him. I'm not going to go, but if I'm doing something with my stepmom who I have a 20-year relationship with, and she says, I just can't believe your mother

divorced him for no reason. You can say, oh, there was for sure reason. Right. It's when he was being prosecuted. Right. Right? Right? Yeah, that's one of the lies I know he's told her. He told my stepmom that he divorced my mom because she started dating somebody else, which she did after she'd taken him back like five or six times after he promised, you know, I'll never do it again, whatever, with money stuff. And so it's all these things.

I know, but it sounds like you want to tell him, it sounds like you want to tell him because he ruined your childhood and now you're a little bit strong enough to get him back. Yeah, I mean, I don't I would, I mean, I would, I guess I don't really think of it as he ruined my childhood Well, he did, he blew up your childhood He did Yeah, he did He totally blew it up

And by the way, they didn't happen in a vacuum That means he was always lying to you guys all the time Right He was always shady Right And he was always a smooth, slick talker And he's always cheating on your mom And he's always putting money over here

And move over, that's your whole childhood Yeah Yeah But at 40 years old, I'm telling you the victory you think you will feel after you sit down and your stepmom, you're like, you want me, let me tell you what really happened. A, I promise you she knows more than you think she does. She probably does no more than I think she does. And it's her way of keeping herself able to, she has to create a psychological world that she can live in. Right.

Right. Okay, well, can I just give you another example? So, like, we were at... If it makes you feel better, go ahead, go ahead. This is just a good example. We were, like, at Thanksgiving dinner a couple years ago, and my dad's sister said, hey, whatever happened to that girl

that you were engaged to before he was with my mom? And, like, I guess he had never told my stepmom this. She didn't know that he was engaged in somebody else, and he sat there at the table and said, no, I don't remember that. I don't remember that person. Okay, you just told me another story about how your dad lies a lot.

Right, he does. I know, but, like, what value is it in, like, just keeping a list that you just tell everybody? Yeah, I know. It's a choice for you to just get yourself all ginned up and ready to fight somebody, but there's nobody to fight because you won't fight him. You give him what you're saying? I totally get what you're saying, and I think I'm usually just, like, I don't feel like,

I don't, I mean, I know it's not my responsibility, but I don't want to blow up her life, or their life for a while until and then he'll come up with some stupid lies for what I've said. So it's like I don't even know if it's worth it, I guess, to even say anything. And at the same time, I feel a little bit like I'm lying to her. Like if I was, if my husband had this past, I would want to know. Okay, but you're not her. Right. Number one.

Number two, you can be a person who doesn't lie, ever. Yeah. And if she says something, if she ever asks you something point blank or she's carrying on about a story that you kind of think she's also fission to, you can be a person who doesn't lie. And if your dad calls and says, what did you tell her? Like, dad, you lied to us your whole life. I don't lie. Yeah. And that will probably cost you the fantasy that is y'all's world, which is he won't call you anymore.

Or he's going to make up lies about you. At some point, you have to unhook yourself and grieve the fact that your dad is not a man of character. Yeah. And every daughter deserves to have a man of character that she can anchor into, and you don't have that. Yeah. And that's freaking heartbreaking. Yeah, I do have, you know, other men in my life. No, I know, I know, but you don't have your dad.

Yeah. my daughter has a dad who's a little unhinged my daughter has a dad who thinks fart jokes are the funniest thing ever my daughter has a dad who right before she falls asleep and I get home late I will run in and cannibal on her bed and she'll be like dad why she does she has all that but she has a dad that I know she can count on yeah she knows she can count them you don't have that yeah okay so so constantly trying to go back to that well and solve that at some point

want you're going to have to unhook yourself from I do not care what that man thinks about me because he doesn't get a vote yeah yeah he cashed that vote in when he blew up my childhood when he stole from my mom when he cheated on my mom when he whatever yeah and then you have to decide who am i going to be so okay so so if i ever like if he's in my presence if he's saying something that i know is a lie i should just call him out on it regardless of the situation Okay. Or stop being in his presence. Yeah.

Why do you keep being in his presence? Well, I mean, he's, you know, he's my dad. And I do love him still. Okay, but he hurt you every time you're all around. And he puts you in positions to become a person who lacks integrity every time he's with you. Yeah. That's not a good man because he's put you in a position where his, the lies force you into a moral dilemma.

Right. Do I blow up dinner? Do I blow up his, my stepmom's life, or do I just go along and become a liar to? Yeah. It's not a good friend. Yeah. You're right. Of course you're right.

If you're at a bar and one of your buddies gets in a fight, you're a good friend if you stand with your buddy. If every time you go to a bar, that friend gets in a fight, he's not a good friend. you get what I'm saying yes I do absolutely it's just it's heartbreaking

it's heartbreaking I'll say this as directly as I can you deserve a better man yeah and the only choice you can make moving forward is who are you going to be Yeah. And I know I want to be, and I want to be a person who's honest. Like, I don't, you know. Then be that person.

Yeah. And being that person will come at a great cost to the fantasy that is your family's life. Yeah. Make a peace with that. Okay. Or make peace with being a person who doesn't hang around liars. Or make peace with the fact that I'm going to be a person who just goes along with this lion dude because everybody knows he's lying and I'm just going to go get. Another piece of cake and go on about it.

Your stepmom knows he's a liar, by the way. She knows. I think she does. Of course she does. How in the world could you think you know him better than the woman who shared a house with him for 20 years? She knows him. She knows. I think that is true.

I know that is true. Yeah. And maybe it would make you feel better. I wouldn't recommend this, but maybe you tell her, hey, if you ever, have questions about the past that you're like, is this true? I'll be honest with you. I'll tell you the truth if you ever want to know. And then you're just putting it on the table and letting her decide, I don't want to know. Or she might look at you and say, honey, I do know. Who do you think you are, right? Yeah. But you need to check your spirit. If this is about retribution or about like,

finally I've got you, like, man, let that go. Is it going to be a hollow victory? Right. I, I don't, I definitely don't want to like, you know, I don't want to feel like I've won this battle. It's not really that. It's just I don't like it in my spirit when I do feel like I'm lying when things come up. Okay, then be a person who never lies. Okay. And if he starts prattling on about something, you can say, Dad, that did not happen like that. And it doesn't have to be a moment of great, like, combat.

Yeah. It doesn't have to be a big engagement. It just has to be a quiet dad. That didn't happen like that at all. okay and you can go on about your life and if he calls you on it you can say quietly

but firmly and directly dad you've lied to us your whole life I'm a person who has decided I'm never going to lie I'm never going to be around deception ta-da yeah and that you practicing

he doesn't get a vote maybe your brother does maybe your husband does, maybe your boyfriend does, you get to decide who gets a vote in your life, and he doesn't get one. And maybe your birth mother does, maybe your stepmother does, and if that's the case, then I'm going to especially be honest

and open and vulnerable with those people because they get a vote in my life. Right. But it sounds deep, deep in my soul that you haven't grieved the fact that this is your dad. yeah i think that's probably true will you do me a favor yeah will you write a letter to 16 year old stephanie yeah and tell that sweet 16 year old girl who's wondering why her dad is treating her like this and treating her mom like this and treating her siblings like this and blown up the family

in slow motion will you write her a letter and let her know this is not her fault she didn't do anything wrong. Yeah. Yes, I will do that. When you give that 16-year-old girl permission to unhook, to stop trying to live her life, trying to prove to this guy that she's worthy of being loved and she's worthy of being told the truth? Yeah.

Because it was never about her. Her dad wasn't well, man. Right. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah, thank you very much for that input that, you know, it helps a lot just to, you know, hear what somebody else has to say that's outside of the situation. Yeah, thank you. You're not crazy.

But you can make this thing a crazy situation if you go in there just pulling grenades and throwing them just because you can't. Right. And what I'll tell you is if you go into a situation for retribution's sake or to throw grenades or because I want justice, you're entitled to it. but you're going to look around at a field of ash and you will recognize that you went with you. Yeah. You'll still be the 16-year-old girl looking around wondering why dad did what he did. You will not feel any better.

The path to healing won't be in the grenades. It will be in you looking in the mirror and saying, as for me and my household, this is who we're going to be moving forward. Yeah. And that's where you'll find confidence, beauty, power, autonomy, strength. And suddenly this man that you have been trying to get to connect with you for so many years, you'll realize how small he is. Almost that you were attached to a ghost for so many years.

still with me I'm here I'm just I know it's a lot yeah normally I would have taken like an hour to talk to you about this stuff we were sitting together I know I know

I know yeah and that's yeah it's like here's a full large pizza eat the whole thing in 13 minutes go right I get that it's a lot to digest yeah yeah but I think that's the I think that's the path.

It's less about, should I tell her this or should I tell them that? The question is, who do I want to be? Who am I going to be? And what kind of actions are going to get me to that kind of person? Because at the end of the day, the only person you can control is you. It's your move. Thanks for the call, sister. I'm glad that you reached out.

We'll be right back. I love the holidays. Holidays for my family include a lot of travel. And yes, a lot of chaos. And on top of that chaos, a lot of late nights. And with all of it, it can be hard to wind down and get great sleep. Almost nothing feels better than coming home from a week on the road and falling asleep on my Helix mattress.

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and tell them you heard about Helix mattresses right here on the show. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, we're back. Here is a money-in-marriage question. This is a money-in-marriage question from the money-and-marriage event that I do with my friend Rachel Cruz. And this is one of the anonymous questions left. in the anonymous question box the question is how do I help a spouse with an addiction when

he doesn't think he has a problem um man this is really multifaceted because it can be or it's it's complex especially depending on the particular addiction he has um for instance i wouldn't say have an addiction to gummy candy i would say have a very unhealthy relationship with it um that is best addressed with a laugh and it's best addressed like when Kelly will come in holding a handful of rappers. I'd be like, are we having this kind of day, John? And I'll be like, okay, I got a problem. I need to take a few days off. Or if my wife, when she, like, in the washing machine, when there's like 45 rappers, she's like, hey, do we need to go for a walk tonight? Or like, you want to call your counselor for you? Like, so if it's that kind of addiction, then it can be addressed with a

smile or some gentle, kind, direct, or making fun of me a little bit. If it's alcohol, if it's opiates, if it's pornography, if it's a sexual addiction, then it has to be more direct and it almost always comes from one or two places. You setting a boundary. Because here's the way you phrase this. How do I help a spouse with an addiction when he doesn't think it's a problem most of the time the addiction is the solution to the problem the alcohol works the sex with a stranger works for a second the problem is the hollowness the problem is the lack of purpose the problem is the childhood abuse that we're trying to do quiet the alarms on and so yeah that's why everyone says i got under control it's fine i can stop at any time it's just a drink relax it's just whatever i had a bad

night like so it it's not good that's not going to be the approach the approach will be i'm uncomfortable with your drinking if you drink again you cannot stay at this house or are you kidding miss my or i won't be at this house if you've been drinking if i find pornography on the computer again i'm cutting off the internet and i'm going to ask you to leave for three weeks i'm not leaving my own house okay cool I'm going to leave this house for three weeks because I don't want to be around this. If you sleep with somebody else again, I'm filing for divorce. There's a boundary. That's one place.

And by the way, it usually spins up the addictive behavior because that internal chaos becomes more to the surface. And I'm going to do more of that addictive behavior. I'm going to do more gambling because I've got to tamp down that alarm system. or the other one is getting some friends and family some people that this person that your husband trusts to all show up it's an intervention doesn't have to be as dramatic as an intervention or it might be depending depending on the severity of the addiction but i'm going to get a couple of people if i had an addiction to if i had a sexual addiction and three of my old 20 or 30 year buddies showed up at my house and we all sat at a table and they said this is today i packed a bag i'm

driving you to a rehab like we're out here like that would be a powerful thing for me so it is either you establish some boundaries about what behavior you will or will not tolerate in your life and or you get some other folks who are going to intervene and you might have to call a therapist specialist in interventions to walk through it depending, again, if it's opiates or a heroin addiction or a deep alcohol addiction or two or three of his closest friends who have similar values and beliefs if it's an addiction of pornography or whatever the thing is or a gambling addiction or whatever. If it's a gambling addiction, by the way, I'm going to no longer have my direct deposit go into the account. I'm opening a savings account and in my own checking account

where I can keep at least the house paid and the light bill paid, the water paid, and food on our kids' table. And so I'm going to take some actions forward. And I think it was Johan Hari that said the opposite of addiction is connection. And so I'm always going to let the person who I'm sitting down with,

who's struggling with an addiction that I'm doing some sort of intervention. I'm always going to let them know. I'll be right here. I'll be with you. This is the actions, the behaviors I'm not going to tolerate, but I'll be with you.

Anytime you want to get in a car, I'll drive you to rehab. Anytime you want to have a hard conversation, I'm here, anytime you want me to smash your computer and throw out the window and get rid of the internet, I'll do it.

I'll come over to your house and pour all the alcohol. I'll do that with you. I'm always going to be right here with you. I'm not going to disconnect from you, but I am going to hold some boundaries. So that's my thought there. If a spouse doesn't think

they have a problem with an addictive behavior and you're watching them whittle away to nothing or you're scared for your safety in your house. Those are a few approaches you could take. Thank you so much for being with us, everybody. Go do something tonight. Tonight, go do something kind for a stranger.

I'll commit to doing something today. You make that commitment too. It's going to take a bunch of little acts of kindness for this whole world to turn around. I'm in. Hope you'll join me. See you soon.