The Dr. John Delony Show - My Girlfriend Wants to Go to a Strip Club

Episode Date: August 12, 2024

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·     A man worrying about his girlfriend going to a strip club ·     A wife wondering how to set boundaries with her husband who struggles with alcoholism ·     A husband unsure if his wife is having an emotional affair   Offers From Today's Sponsors 10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp 3 free months of Hallow  25% off Thorne orders  20% off Organifi orders with code DELONY 20% off plus two pillows at Helix Sleep $350 off Pod 4 Ultra at Eight Sleep  Up to 30% off Cozy Earth products with code DELONY 20% off DeleteMe with code DELONY   Next Steps 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼TDJDS T-Shirts     Listen to More From Ramsey Network 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 The EntreLeadership Podcast   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My girlfriend is going to a bachelorette party, bachelorette trip. Part of their plan is to go to a male strip club. And hearing about this, it made me feel a little bit uncomfortable. There is something in your relationship that's making you feel uncomfortable and disrespected. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so, so grateful that you are with us.

Talking about your mental health, your emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. Real people with real hard things going on. You want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Now, for this first caller, I cheated a little bit I got the question And we have been talking about this for like half an hour Off air And I can't even wait I don't think we've ever had a call like this

Where we pre-game it Where we're actually late starting the show because I don't think so I mean sometimes we'll talk about calls But not where like the entire booth Was putting in their opinions And deciding what they thought and everything. Yeah, this is an interesting one. All right, let's roll out to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to Andre. What's up, Andre?

Hey, doctor. How you doing today? I'm good, brother. You got our whole booth buzzing, man. So let this one rip. Oh, man, I heard it. So let it rip. All right. So my girlfriend is going to a bachelorette party, bachelorette trip, beginning of August.

And part of their plan is to go to a male strip club. It's similar to a bootleg Magic Mike show. Okay. And Nate Dog had a great, Nate who runs the cameras in here, was calling it bro-lesque. I think a bro-lesque show would be hilarious. Okay.

So, all right. So she's going to, she's going to a bachelorette party. Part of it's going to be at this, like dudes and speedos doing somersaults and whatever okay so keep going and so they're gonna take part in this and hearing about this it made me feel a little bit uncomfortable due to the fact that she's going, I'm not saying she should, I trust her. I know she won't interact by interact. I mean, touch them or anything like that. It's more of the fact that to me,

I feel it. I feel like it's disrespectful to me, disrespectful to our relationship. And quite frankly, just it's rude because she will be there in the presence of all these girls. And I keep thinking about it, the image, she'll be cheering, clapping with all her friends, with all these half-naked men, possibly even completely naked men on stage. And they walk around and they like to interact with the women and just her being partaking. And part of that makes me feel a little bit, it makes me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. Okay. And so how did your conversation with her go? So, um, as soon as I found out, um, I will admit it. I went about it a little bit the wrong way

I immediately I'd say I attacked her a little bit as in the sense she never even had the chance to tell me and talk to me about it I just kind of because she didn't know what it was either but I pulled it up on my phone and I just said

so this is what you're going to and it didn't the conversation didn't really go anywhere But I pulled it up on my phone and I just said, so this is what you're going to. And it didn't, the conversation didn't really go anywhere. She was just like, you can trust me. And I'm like, okay, okay. I, it was late at night and I just wanted to have the conversation over with, but I would definitely like to revisit and have a calm now that I've been able to gather my thoughts a little bit. Does that make sense?

Yeah, totally. Have a real mature conversation about it? And I'll high five you. Good for you for bailing on that initial conversation. It's important that when we start to know like, hey, I'm not going to be good at this. Let's pause this conversation. Let's pick it back up. Right, because that is a problem that I had in my previous relationship where I would never, I would never think, I would never think before I said something, you understand, I would just kind of blow up. And that's really something that I've been working on and I, I have been doing great.

And when I do get to that point, I know to shut up and I gather my thoughts and bring it on later down the road. Excellent. Excellent. Okay. So here's kind of the discussion we are having. Um, and I'll, if it's okay with you, Kelly can pop in here, but I, I, well, let me, let me do this. I'm going to, I'm going to reverse this thing. Let's go backwards. Here's, here's the, the, the heartbeat of this call. There is something in your relationship that's making you feel uncomfortable and disrespected. And there is something that your partner's about to do

that you can see coming that is going to make you feel small. That's probably the worst words I could have used right there. That's going to make you feel less than. God, dude, wrong words again. It's going to make you, it's just making you feel uh less than that god dude wrong words again it's gonna make you uh it's just making you feel disrespected like why is it entertaining to go see this kind of stuff right absolutely i don't get it or go be entertained well i mean these are super hot

great dancer guys like i get it. But I get the, how can you say that you're into me, into our relationship, and fill in the blank. But let's take that completely off the table because that can be, like I said, it caused a half-hour discussion just with our team.

Let's take it to, I don't know. I'm going to make something up so absurd just to be silly, okay? Let's say that she mows the lawn in her bathing suit. And you see all the guys in the neighborhood stopping to gawk while she mows. And you say, hey, man, you need to know how people are looking at you. And it makes me feel uncomfortable. Her response to that is she's allowed to have whatever response she wants, but it will impact your relationship, as will you speaking up like, hey, I'm uncomfortable with this.

And so the bigger relational conversation is how do y'all say what you need? How do you say, hey, I feel disrespected? Or, hey, this makes me feel less than or makes me feel unloved. And then the other person says, okay, I honor that. Or that's not my intentions. Let's talk through it. And that to me is the bigger issue here. Okay.

So something about that initial conversation is um didn't go well and i don't think you'd be calling me if you thought a calmer version of entree like sitting down and having the conversation it was going to go well right right so talk me through what you think it would be like if you said none of that hey this makes me feel like disrespected and i the thought of you in this room with all that sexual energy with all those mostly naked people dancing around people screaming all the suggestive stuff all the dry humping on stage all that stuff like makes me make the thought of you being there and all that grosses me out yeah walk me through what you think she's going to say.

I'm afraid that she'll... I also want to clarify, too, that we have a very loving relationship. I love her very much, trust her. And not once have I ever told her to not do something, to not wear something. Because again, I trust her and I love her. It's never been a problem. She's very self-aware also that she's not going to do something that I don't like. She's told me before, hey, don't do this. And I've said, okay, I don't do this and I've said okay I don't do this and so it is a very mature relationship but what I am afraid that will happen once I do bring it up and talk to her I'm afraid that she will see it

as I am insecure and myself she had the same feelings about you going to a strip club for your buddy's bachelor party? She said in that first initial conversation where we were just kind of blowing up on each other. I, cause I told her if roles were reversed, I would not go. Cause I, I wouldn't want to be in an environment like that.

And I also know how that would make me make you feel. And all she said was, well, it would suck, but I understand that that's part of the plan that y'all had. That's what she said, that it would suck if I were to go, but it'd be a part of the plan. So she would have to be okay with it. Yeah. I mean, here's the deal. Unfortunately, I think y'all are going to have to have a sit down and hard conversation. And I'm afraid for y'all that the conversation is going to be zeroed in on

this particular issue. I don't see this as an insecurity issue as much as a values issue. Yep. You know what I mean? And so as I've always said on the show, everybody is entitled to whatever values they want. Anchor them into concrete. That's how you operate through the world.

But everybody's values come up against, at some point, people who either aren't in alignment with those values or have complete disregard for those values. And those are relationship enders. And so my concern for you guys, if y'all don't handle, if y'all don't walk through this carefully, is this is going to be one of y'all caving in over going to like an event. And it's not about that. Because this same thing will come up

when you get married and you have two kids And you don't want your 12 year old daughter going out on a date With her sixth grade friends and your wife's like, oh, it's no big deal And then it's going to be oh, you're just insecure Right. It's going to be about values versus Okay, if something means a lot to you um, I am going to take a step out's going to be about values versus, okay, if something means a lot to you, I am going to take a step out because going to a Magic Mike show just isn't worth it with me and my friends.

Or you saying, I don't like that environment, but I also trust you. It's just going to be hilarious and go do whatever you're going to do. You get where it's the values issue beneath this? Yep. I do. Is the value important enough for you to potentially come to terms with this relationship might not make it?

I'd really love for this relationship to work out. And this is really the first speed bump that I've been hitting with it so i want you to i want you to realize how it's not a speed bump this is actually a big moment and so when you sit down with her again i this is not about going to a little like one of these whatever you even call them, bro-esque shows. Mm-hmm. Right?

And I even, like we were discussing, for whatever reason, and I know this is wrong. I know I'm wrong in this. I'm totally wrong. But there's such a double standard in my head. You know what I mean?

Is there? Well, in my head. Not in reality. Like, I don't go to strip clubs. I just don't. And when my buddies have, like, have had bachelor parties in the past, I just don't go. And they know that about me, and it's fine.

It's not a judgment call. I don't want to be in that environment. I don't go. But this kind of thing makes me laugh. Like, it's funny to me. That doesn't make it right. But for whatever, it's a double standard. For whatever reason, there are different things in my head.

Okay? Right. They're not, though. Like some of the team was like, no, they're the exact same thing. They're the exact same thing. So, Ike, I need you to know it's not about the actual thing. This is you sitting down saying, I am struggling with a particular value. And I'm asking, would you respect this value with me?

And she has the right and the opportunity to say, absolutely not. Or I get it and I see it. And by the way, she gets to be sad. She gets to be frustrated. She gets to be sad. She gets to be frustrated. She gets to be annoyed. Those are all real emotions and real feelings on the back end of not being able to go if she chose to not go. You can't ask her to be excited about it, but you can also honor the fact, right? And vice versa. So here's what I think has gotten you in trouble in the past because I've heard it a little bit on this call. And here's what I think has gotten you in trouble in the past because I've heard it a little bit on this call,

and here's what I want to caution you about. The conversation that y'all are going to have about values, I want you to only use the words I. Never, I mean the word I, never you. Okay. I don't want you going to this thing. You don't need to be around this stuff. That is a declaration of war.

That's the sound of an insecure person. The sound of a completely grounded, value-based, powerful person is I. I am uncomfortable. I feel less than. I have a picture of our relationship when it comes to sexual energy to being just us. Not something that you share with 500 strangers and a bunch of dudes,

um, like Wally wanking around. Right. I don't even know what they do in those things. And I don't even know what a Wally wink is. They just sounded like what happens in there. I don't know, dude. Right. I don't know. But do do in those things. And I don't even know what a Wally wink is. They just sounded like what happens in there. I don't know, dude.

Right. I don't know. But do you get what I'm saying? Yes, I do. I do. And the more you own how you feel, the more you own what this means to you,

the more vulnerable and exposed you are. Cause she can look at you and say, I don't care. Right. And that's hard to hear. I know. Okay, go ahead, brother. I got you off. No worries. And I'm not sure if what I'm about to say

makes me feel, makes me look a little bit. But again, that's why I'm speaking with you about it. Sure. In a completely unbiased opinion. Open up and say it. Yeah, go for it. Yeah. I think a part that really upsets me is say it was vice versa and I was going on a bachelor trip and this is something they would do. I would have no problem immediately saying, hey guys, I appreciate it,

but this is the one thing I can't do. I'll just hang back at the house for two hours. That's it. And it's no problem with me. And I guess the part that upsets me a little bit is that she doesn't have or didn't have the right mindset. And I think that's fair. That doesn't make you a bad guy at all. Okay. But that does make you, you. and by the way, it would be way more than two hours. I've been there multiple times and we go to dinner, we go out, we go like go to a concert and then I head back to the house. It's all right. I love going to bed early too. It's all good. Then we rendezvous in the morning. It's all good. But that doesn't make you a bad guy.

But again, that is about the I conversation. Yes. And I think when you're making an I conversation, it is. In a similar situation, I value this relationship enough that I would go have some drinks with my friends. We'd go sing karaoke. We'd go laugh. We'd go do whatever. And then when they peel off to go to the strip club, I would go home.

Okay. And, um, and you, I think it's fair to say I I'm, I'm more heartbroken that the, the, the, you said it sucks. You know, it sucks. You know, it would make you feel uncomfortable. You make me feel uncomfortable yet. Somehow you feel like this train has already left the barn, right. It's already left the station. And now that we have to go do these things that we don't agree with. And again, I want you to see these values, man. That's how people end up in $1,200 a month suburban payments. Cause they just have to have this car that nobody can afford. And that's how you end up in a neighborhood you can't afford. And that's how you end up working a job that you hate.

Right. Cause they just have to. That's how somebody ends up having to go to dinner with their boss, just them two at 8 o'clock at night because they just have to, right? It's this sense down the road. And so, no, you are fully entitled to your values, but I want you to own them and say I in a non-accusational way, and then you have to be prepared for her to own hers.

Absolutely. And if going along with the crowd, doing what everyone else is doing, saying what everyone else is saying, and by the way, again, let's take strip clubs off. Let's make it a much more benign thing. Hey, you got invited to a wedding. Yep.

And it's going to cost $3,000 for the dress, and it's in Hawaii, so you got invited to a wedding yep and it's going to cost three thousand dollars for the dress and it's in hawaii so you got to get there so it's a seventy five hundred dollar whatever i would say hey man i can't make that i love you guys i'm not going to be able to go it's i'm so excited for y'all i can't wait to see the photos but i can't afford that and then there's other people who will put everything on the credit card because they feel like they have to go. That's a values judgment. Do you know what I'm saying?

Yes, I do. A recommendation for a guy who used to be a former, whose filter was pretty thin, like you said, I would recommend writing this stuff down and reading it to her. Really? Yes. Because you're going to get emotional and you're going to get fired up and because you're going to be extra vulnerable because you're only going to be using i instead of you

it's easy to feel powerful when you're accusing uh when you're saying my values or my my morals are better and higher than yours it's easy to feel powerful but when you do that in a relationship you look your body goes into hyper pay attention to every eyebrow every every crinkle around the mouth every movement of the shoulders and you start looking for um her her getting ready to fight back and it alters it you get emotional you get angry you get frustrated if you just read it it's already written out you wrote it when you were calm you wrote it when you were thoughtful when you articulate and it, it's already written out. You wrote it when you were calm. You wrote it when you were thoughtful, when you articulate. And it puts it all out there on the table.

In the six or seven or eight times throughout my marriage, when my wife and I have had some like, this is a line in the sand one of us has drawn, I've always written it down and read it. Because I want to make sure I'm very clear. Absolutely. Yep. Is that cool?

Even in the moment, you can really get lost. Yep, I understand. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. the moment, you can really get lost. Yep, I understand. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or me, I shut down. I shut down. And you sound like you ramp up. Everyone does it differently.

But I think writing it down keeps you present and you say what you really want to say. Okay. Can I tell you one more thing I would do? Yeah, absolutely. I won't say that. I was going to be ridiculous, but I won't do that. Let me hear it. No.

I just think if at the end of this conversation, if you have like a Speedo and like some oil like in a little box and you slid it across the table, I'm just kidding, though. Don't do that. Oh, my God. Don't do that. Don't do that. Hey, so I wish you the best. Holler back at us and let us know

how it goes, okay? And by the way, you're not the only one wrestling with this. I know this conversation happens all over the planet. That's why we took this call. And I know just from the discussion we had here how some people think it's silly and some people think it's a huge deal and some people think it's this big intimate thing

and some people have no... I think you have to be honest about your values. And as you work, as you're dating somebody and you work towards getting married, you have to understand our values or my values and your values are becoming our values. And there are some hard, hard moments where couples have to say, okay, we're going to part ways. And I hope that doesn't happen here. I hope that doesn't happen here, man. Thank you so much for the call, Andre. I wish you guys the best. We'll be right back. If you've ever listened to this show, you know that I cannot stomach that every move, every keystroke, everywhere you've ever been, and probably every thought you and I have ever had is being tracked. And that's why I am thrilled that Delete.me has now joined forces

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helping to protect you from the risks of unwanted exposure and online scams, spam, and thieves. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney today for 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Jacksonville, Florida and talk to Samantha. Hey, Samantha, what's up? Hey, how are you?

Good, how are you? I'm doing really great, what's up? Hey, how are you? Good, how are you? I'm doing really great. What's up? My question is, how can I support my high-functioning alcoholic husband while also setting healthy, setting and keeping healthy boundaries for myself? I have an innate, like,

to the words high functioning Because I think it always like when I hear like high functioning like anxiety or high functioning depression or high functioning I feel like it is Because you're able to get up and go to work and make money you get a pass on How sick you actually are but that may be wrong. So what do you think? um, I think that he is able to get up and go to work and support our family. He is able to help around the house. He's a very active father.

But I also think he lies about drinking. Okay. So something must have happened for you to make this call. What happened? Well, it's been a three-year journey. Okay. so something must have happened for you to make this call. What happened? Um, well, it's been a three year journey. Okay.

Um, three years ago, I found out that he was drinking a bottle of whiskey quicker than I could notice the bottle was being emptied. So maybe in a day or two, um, and that he was having an affair, which I know. I try not to bring up because we have worked really hard on that portion of our relationship. But obviously, it helped diminish our trust a little bit.

A little bit? It obliterated it? Yeah. It nuked it. For sure. And then, you know, you work on rebuilding your marriage after that, but then he continuously lies about the drinking, which just is like sandpaper on the skin.

Right. So, um, which just is like sandpaper on the skin, right? That's right. So I guess I'm just struggling with loving him through that and being supportive and encouraging and also protecting myself. And I can hear it. And Samantha, I can hear it. You are burying yourself trying to keep this thing going. Like you're not even allowed to think about how bad things really are.

I feel like in every other area, they're good. I know. Just not this. And sometimes that's what we settle for. And slowly over time, what's good, it's kind of like this. If you go get a blood test done nowadays, they might tell you, no, you're fine. Like you're within the normal range. But because it's just slowly but surely over time

becoming more and more quote-unquote normal, that doesn't mean we're healthy. It doesn't mean we're okay. That just means it's kind of the way things have been. And so one degree, one degree, one degree. Right. When's the last time you all were super connected and you laughed really hard it's been a while yeah because here's my here's my challenge with someone who drinks that much

okay a someone who's drinking that much someone who's having to lie on a regular basis to their one and only it's disorienting to the partner it's disorienting to kids because it's like reaching and trying to grab somebody that you see is there but there's like a like a thin piece of glass between them you can't actually fully get to them you can see them and you can put your hands up on the glass and y'all can both kiss the glass and you can see they're right there. You just can't get them. Yeah, there's definitely a lack of emotional connection. Because he feels dead in his life. Right. And he's seeking ways externally to feel alive

for whatever reason. And he's seeking ways externally to feel alive for whatever reason. And my heart alternatively breaks for men in this situation. And it alternatively makes me nuts because they drag down their kids and they bury their spouses. And same with women too. Same with wives as well. Yeah. So I don't want to use beautiful pastel colors and wallpaper and paint over this thing, wallpaper over it with, by calling it high functioning. And I don't, I think there can be a difference between supports the family. He pays the bills, but supporting your wife,

loving your wife, loving your husband, loving your kids, being present and connected with your kids. You can't do that with a fifth of whiskey in your system every day. You just can't. Yeah. I will say like over the last three years, it has gotten immensely better. Like he can go a few days without a drink now, but then he comes home and I can always tell, like, there's always like a change in demeanor from when he's not drinking to when he is. And so if I ask him, like, have you been drinking today? He'll look at me and say, no. And then later when he becomes more volatile, not violent, but like, he'll become more rambunctious with the kids or try to engage in an argument

with me. That's when I'm like, oh yeah, okay, here we go. And then I just disengage. Like, I'm just like, I retreat into myself. Yeah. And that's what you're losing yourself to the world. You're like on Back to the Future when the time's running out and he keeps looking at that Polaroid

and more and more of him is disappearing and disappearing. That's you. I can see that. So I'm trying not to get to that point. I know. But it's going to take you doing something that I don't think you've done in a while, which is drawing a really firm boundary.

And he's going to have to choose his drink or his family. Yeah. And I would recommend strongly that you carefully articulate the behaviors because it's really easy to be like, oh, you're not letting me have fun. I just want to relax. It's no big deal. And so you doing the hard work of articulating, I don't feel safe with the person you are

after you've had a drink. I don't like coming into my own home wondering who I'm going to get. I don't like the kids experiencing trying to plug in with their dad and their dad is there but not there. It's really disorienting to a child like you're gonna have to be very specific and ultimately you're gonna have to have an or what moment i need you to i need you to love us enough and love yourself enough to

stop drinking and go get help or fill in the blank. Because absent that, you've made a bunch of threats over the years and you've said, hey, we need to stop this and that over the years and he's still there. You're still there. Yeah. That's the problem I am having is the or what moment. Yeah. That's a terrifying, scary, scary thing, right? And the hard part is I don't think anybody can give

you that or what moment. I can just tell you that this will escalate. These things never de-escalate on their own. It's a hard pill to swallow. I know. Do you think he's seeing somebody else again?

No. Okay. No, I mean, we do have free access to phones and email and like he has no problem with me checking any of that we just invited the wrong person into our friendship circle and no you didn't your husband cheated on you yeah yeah he made some choices yeah so what's next um well as of this morning i had asked him because we had a little bit of a rough week last week what does that mean what does that mean you're you're the underseller of the of the year so i got this car for sale it's great it's got a small dent on it and like the whole hood is missing so what does a little bit of a rough week look like

um well he was entertaining some clients because he is in a sales business which i get um and i asked him that if he was going to be drinking that that he... I have a hard time saying, don't come home. But I said, I would like you to stay in the guest room and just not engage me. Just go into the guest room. And so that was Wednesday through Friday of last week. And then he told me, he's like, I just need to make it through this week. So this morning I sat him down and I said, it's Monday. What are we doing?

And, um, he said, I know. And I was like, well, what's your plan? And he's like, well, I'm just going to white knuckle it. And I'm like, that's not going to work. Um, and so we talked about him reaching out to some outpatient places again for the probably fourth or fifth time. And so I'm hoping that before he comes home today, that's what he does. Okay. But that's not working. It hasn't worked. It's not going to work. Yeah. You're going to have to try something different.

And he either needs to go do a 30-day inpatient right away, which would be my recommendation, because you've tried four or five outpatients. They don't work. Well, he's done outpatient once, maybe two years ago, but he's only engaged them, but he's never actually attended again. He's got to participate, but he has to decide to stop. Yeah.

You can't make him. All you can do is control you. And I am reading between the lines here, but does he make you uncomfortable in bed after he's been drinking? No. You sure? Okay.

Why would you kick him out? Because I don't like how it smells. It's triggering to me from when he was drinking a lot. And I don't want to argue. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm just like, don't talk to me at all. So what's, what's cool is he, he knows he's got a problem. Yeah. He knows it's time.

Yeah. But you know, he's just scared. He is. He is. But I think he needs to know what the stakes are. And I just got to get through the weekend. That's cool when you're like, when I'm doing Ramsey events,

when I'm doing speaking events, when I'm traveling, if I get home at 2 a.m., I go sleep in the guest room because I don't wake my wife up. If I have a big pizza buffet, I'll go sleep in the guest room just because I'll snore all night.

Right? Yeah. There's never a safety issue. It's never a, she just can't be around me because I'm going to fight her. I'm going to be annoying. I'm going to pick and,

just that whole thing. Yeah. Right. So, I don't want anybody, I mean, my heart just is breaking for this guy. I, and for this guy.

And for you guys. It's just created a world that is very tough to live in for everybody. And I want to tell him, he's the only one that can break this cycle. He's got to step out and decide, I'm going to go get well. And he's a good salesman, and he thinks he's going to lose it. He's going to be a better salesman. By the way, to people who sell, and I do a lot of entertaining of clients just tell your clients you're not drinking like that's the new cool thing right so there is no like i have to because i know you don't you don't you don't

yeah but he's gonna have to decide at the end of the day you have to decide what's okay for you and for your children what's safe for you and your children? And I would spend some time with a girlfriend and I'd write the stuff down. I'd be honest. And I know with me, I can tell you're hedging it a little bit and I respect that. This is a public forum, I get that.

But you need to sit with somebody that you can be completely 100% honest about what's happening in your home and why he has to be done with drinking, period. And both of you know he can't do it on his own, so he's going to have to go to inpatient program. He's going to have to start going to multiple meetings a day, in the morning before work and after work before he comes home.

He's going to have to do that for 30 days. And then we'll go from there. The end of the day, and this is hard, all you can control is your thoughts and your actions. And so you have to be clear about what those are going to be and you have to lean into them and start practicing them. And you felt yourself getting erased from your own life for the past two years, three years, five years. And it's time to reclaim your autonomy and your sense of self. And most of us can't do that by ourselves.

So I recommend you call a friend and you just say, okay, here's what's actually been going on. Thank you so much for the call, Samantha. Don't let this thing just go under the guise of high functioning. Go into the guise of wholehearted, fully present, always here for me and always here for the kids. That's the kind of husband, kind of wife, and kind of families we want to have. We'll be right back. It's time to talk about Organifi. All right, here's one of my main life goals.

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All right, we're back. Let's go out to New Haven, Connecticut and talk to Joe. Hey Joe, what's up? Yes, sir. How are you? Thank you for taking my call. You got it. What's up, brother? Nothing much. So pretty much I found my wife

in an emotional affair with my neighbor for over a year now. I found my wife in an emotional affair with my neighbor for over a year now. I found out a couple weeks ago. I looked through the call logs on the phone. I knew something was going on between the two of them. I confronted him three times and I confronted her. I'm being honest with you, it was probably two to three times a day. We would consecutively argue about it. He would buy my son clothing for school and just stuff for his room. And he would cook my wife dinner a lot. And in front of me, they had nicknames and everybody denied it. And I'm having a hard time believing her in anything she says.

Her mother passed away about two years ago, and she was swearing on her deceased mother and our son that nothing was going on. And then when I confronted her, the blame was on my end and things weren't good. And it's been going on for about a year. We were in couples therapy starting this January. I was unaware of everything, but I knew something was off in the marriage and I was trying to make it better. And I can't even get away because he is at my home. He's next to me at home and he is there when I go to the gym, at the same gym. So I can't even have an escape that way. And I'm not sure where to begin. I'm not even sure where my head is at. I can't trust anybody. And this is where I'm stuck at right now. Yeah, dude, that's a terrifying place to be, man. I'm sorry. That's okay. Hey, it's not okay, man. It's not. You don't got to make me feel

better. I'll just sit here with you. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate it. Do you have little ones? I do. I have one three-year-old son. Oh, man.

Yeah. I'm not even, I don't want to come home. Yeah. I literally can't get away. And she said that she broke it off with him. And our houses are so close. If I, you know, put a hammer through the wall, you can probably see his living room. That's how, you know, we're right next door.

But, and, you know, she said that she broke it off. And then about two weeks ago, I asked her, we were just talking, and I asked her what she had for dinner. And she said that she didn't eat, and this is something little, but it's just the fact that that it happened. She said that she didn't have dinner because she wasn't hungry because of everything going on. And then I got home. I work late and I got home that morning and there was food and that was not ours. And how I know is because it was on a paper plate that was not ours in the garbage. And she wasn't honest with me again. And he keeps talking to her and saying hi. And yeah, they both said that it was nothing sexual. But I don't believe the two of them because, like I said, I confronted him three times about it and my wife twice a day, two, three times a day for the last year.

Man. him three times about it and my wife twice a day for two three times a day for the last year so man um there's not a good there's not like a it's not written in a textbook somewhere what the next move is yeah okay i understand so i'm gonna give you with all of my the time i've spent sitting with people who've had emotional affairs and full-blown sexual affairs and all, like, my personal experience, all of it. Okay. I would probably leave for 30 days. Okay. Because here's the thing, your wife is just lying to you and lying to you and you're going crazy. Mm-hmm. because here's the thing, your wife is just lying to you and lying to you and you're going crazy.

And it's hard to stay clear because every time you go to your, to the safest, what should be the safest place in the world, which is your home, you're in fight or flight the entire time. Correct. And every time you go to work, you're in fight or flight.

And, the other option would be, I'm going to go stay in an apartment for 30 days and we're going to put the house on the market. And I'm going to sell this house an apartment for 30 days and we're going to put the house on the market. And I'm going to sell this house because that's the only way you're going to save your marriage. Yeah. And if she says, I think that's a great idea.

Let's do that. Cool. And if she says, absolutely not. This is where we live, yada, yada. Then she gets to make a choice. Do you want this? Do you want to fight me for this home? Or we're going to sell this home one way or the other.

We're going to sell it through when the judge forces the sale of the home and we split the assets up, the equity up. Or we can sell it now and try to save our marriage. I don't mean to throw another curveball at you. Throw them all, man. Throw them all. So this past February of this year, we jointly filed bankruptcy.

So we could sell it. But as far as buying, I'm pretty sure we can't buy it. You're past all that. Yeah. Joe, your wife is sleeping with your neighbor. Period. End of story.

You know that. I know that. They both know that. Yeah, and they would FaceTime too. I forgot to mention that. Joe. If you're done with this marriage, be done with this marriage, an important family death, bankruptcy. Those are two of the, of the most powerful stressors on a marriage. Yes, sir. An affair. I mean, you're, you've got like, you're the, it's the trifecta.

Yeah. But now you're at a place where you keep coming back to drink more poison and more poison and more poison. And I don't even hear, I haven't heard you once say, I am desperately in love

with this woman and I want to try to save this marriage. I hear you pissed. Yeah. I'm, I'm, I thought I was past the anger stage. No, dude, your wife's cheating on you right and your neighbor waves at you

yeah I'm afraid you're going to end up in jail you know why because I would I don't have the strength to go through what you're doing every day I thought I made the right honestly I thought I made the right call for staying for my son and try to work it out. But I'm just, I'm angry. I can't even look at her. It's like she, you know,

she's trying in that aspect. But when I first found out it was like the end of June and I just said a divorce probably, I'm going to say like two, two weeks ago, then that's when she started to change. And I'm like, well, you know, why did it take me to say a divorce? And, you know, I don't want to come home. I don't want to be around anybody. I'm angry. I'm upset. I can't believe anybody.

I don't believe a word that she's saying, you know what I mean? Even though she could be telling the truth very well. Here's the deal. Here's the work you have to do. Yes, sir. What does the path to trust look like for you? Because let's say we can't sell the deal. Here's the work you have to do. Yes, sir. What does the path to trust look like for you? Because let's say we can't sell the house. We are stuck here in this house.

It's against the law for us to sell, which is not true, but let's just make up something, okay? Yeah, yeah. What does trust look like? Trust looks like a no contact order. Trust looks like you saying you are forbidden from coming on my property. And if you come on my property, you call my house again, you're on notice now,

I'm going to file a harassment complaint. Okay. And your wife cuts off everything. She throws her phone in the sink and lets it, and loses all contacts and starts completely over. Yeah. But here's the deal, bro. She did all this stuff,

and he made her dinner, and they had dinner together Last night You know what I mean Yeah I understand You've heard me say this A thousand times

Behavior is a language She's being very clear with you No I understand And right now She's got a gravy train Which is you Going off to work And then coming home

Does she work too Yeah she works During the day And then I work second shift from 3 to midnight. So y'all effectively never see each other and she

has eight hours a day when she gets to spend with a man next door. That is correct. Yeah. Yes, sir. Yeah, like the minute I leave for work, I leave the house around 2 and then that's when the calls would happen. Of course. Yeah.

Of course they would. I guess I'm just still processing this, and I don't even know. Yeah. But here's the deal. I'm afraid you're about to do something stupid. Will you promise me that you're not going to go to jail? Of course. Yeah, I have a three-year-old son, and I can't.

Excellent. Excellent. I don't want to make it worse for anybody. And for whatever it's worth, during a divorce proceeding, every one of her text messages will be subpoenaed. Every one of her emails will be subpoenaed, even the deleted ones. Everything is on the table. Okay?

Yours too. Yes, sir. And so there's a chance you end up with full custody here because she doesn't want to be married to you. Mm-hmm. I mean, yeah, she's, I mean, she's a great mom and I, you know, I couldn't ask for a better mother that way. Joe. Yeah.

A great mom doesn't bring another man to the house every night. Yes, sir. And our son, like, just to bring one more incident up, like, you know, we were painting our son's room and, um, we were in the middle of it and him and I started it and nothing was done. And she got the next, the following day, she got out of work at two, I left and I called her around my six 30 break time. And, um, she said that the room was finished and done. And I didn't believe her because I know how much that takes, especially with a three-year-old by herself. And then I get home that next day because I get home at night and I look at the room and it's beautiful. Everything was cut in all the corners. And I look on the tarp and there was paint brushes and rollers that I don't have.

And, um, our son consecutively says that, um, I don't want to say names, but her, but, um, the neighbor, um, mommy and him were all painting the room and, um, she obviously denies it, but this is Joe. Yeah. I'm just, you can hear it as you're saying it out loud can't you yeah listen like if if we were in person

if I was sitting in Connecticut right now with you in New Haven I was just there a few weeks ago if I was there with you right now I would stop the conversation and I'd give you a hug because I know the path

is it's in front of you is gnarly yeah I'm sorry I'm sorry because I know the path that's in front of you is gnarly. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know miracles happen, but this sounds like your marriage is over, and it sounds like now we're just waiting for somebody to be the adult

and have the courage to do the next thing. Yeah. I guess that's what I was afraid of. I know. I'm sorry I hate it for you too sorry it's just um you know love is a funny thing it's like

no matter how bad somebody hurts you just don't stop them no of course not of course not I guess that's what I'm holding on to and dude if she was ready to fight and go to war for this marriage dude I'd be a thousand percent y'all can save this marriage. Yeah.

No question about it. I have no question about it. But everything starts with, I'm going to tell you the truth. And she can't do that. And she won't do that. And now we're at a place where she is teaching her son that we lie. Yeah. She's teaching her son that multiple men stay in this home.

And by the way, dude, Joe, just so you can see this from an outsider's perspective, because I'm just a random dude in Nashville, Tennessee. Yes, sir. She's trying to send you a message. She's leaving trash in the trash. She's leaving rollers in the house. Yeah. She's not to send you a message. She's leaving trash in the trash. She's leaving rollers in the house. Yeah. She's not even trying.

You know what I mean? Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Like, there's a lot of what I would call infidelity gymnastics that people go through. Lots. Yeah. She's almost rubbing your nose in it or less like less aggressively like

letting you know this is happening ta-da right yeah and maybe you tell her i want you out of this house but in the next week she's gotta move out yeah y'all figure that stuff out but y'all but i mean you can't continue to allow another man To come spend eight hours a day In your home with your wife and your child Yeah And that can be that you leave And then

Serve the papers Or sit with an attorney Or y'all go to mediation Or whatever It happens in Connecticut Every state's different Or she packs up and goes. Although I think your fear is she's just going to go 20 yards next door.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what's going to happen, and she told him that she wants nothing to do with him. But yesterday, they were outside, and she took my son and her – herself and my son and the dog for a walk. And when she went down the street, he was staring at her. And when he got back, he said, hey, how are you guys? And she's like, good, how are you? And it's something little, but it's the fact that we're going through all this. And it's like my expectation is no context. And I shouldn't even have to say

that if you're willing to work with somebody then her defense was we're neighbors you know what am i going to say we're going to say hi and i'm like okay but our marriage is on the line not a neighbor that you're having an affair with yeah right has she shown you the messages that she sent him that said we are never going to be in contact ever again stop contacting me effective immediately so apparently this is all verbal on the back deck exactly i want it in writing yeah i want it in writing so that when you file a harassment complaint that this man won't leave your wife alone yeah he keeps uh coming over to the property line and staring at her he keeps yelling at her trying to say hello to her when she's trying to walk your child and the dog. All in writing. I used to tell my college students, you have to put in writing through text message or email, do not contact me anymore, period. And once that line

is crossed, then it's harassment. Now we can get involved. Yeah, that's a good point. Okay. All right. But I don't think she's going to do it, Joe. I'm going to have to agree with you there. Okay. So let's get a group of people in your corner, whether that's a couple of close friends, whether that's a minister from your local church, whether that is an attorney that you're going to sit with,

a mental health professional, everybody. Maybe the path right now is to go sit with an attorney because you've got a lot to untangle, whether with the bankruptcy, with child, with home equity. I don't know how any of that stuff works in Connecticut. So having a professional just to know what you're looking at here. And the whole time, I want you to spend some time with yourself in a local coffee shop or on your breaks at work or in the morning when your son has taken a nap, figuring out what is a path back to trust so that

you can lay it down in front of her and say, this is what this looks like. We sell the house and we rent because I would rather be married to you and rebuild this marriage than own a house. Or you have to sever all contact forever and partridge in the pear tree on and on and on and on and on. I'm going to put cameras up in the house. And if this man steps on my property, I'm going to have him a no trespass. I don't want his plates in our home and I don't want his paint rollers in our home and I don't want his love and affection for you and our kid in our home it's our home not his but Joe you got to stop I mean I know you hear it and it's it's hard to even wrap your head around oh this is it like my wife is choosing him she's choosing dishonesty she's choosing lying and I'm so sorry.

Call back anytime, brother. You got a long, hard road ahead of you. And listen to me. Just because it's painful doesn't mean it's not right. Whichever path you take. We'll be right back. The budgeting and spending app that I love and I personally use is EveryDollar, and it's the greatest budgeting and planning app on planet Earth.

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It's, ah. Okay, give us some good news, Kelly. What's something cool that happened? All right, so this is from Allison. She says, I believe you're always looking for some success stories. Gosh, please, I need one today. Yeah.

About how your podcast has helped other people or helped people in their lives. This podcast has greatly helped mine and my husband's lives by only listening to the five people

that you choose to have a say in your life and no one else gets a vote. We have a two and a half year old with very severe special needs, autism, asthma, pediatric feeding disorder,

expressive and receptive language delays, and his skull was fused together at birth, which required cranial surgery at nine months of age. With his eating disorders, he is mainly still bottle-fed at two and a half years of age and not really ready to eat solid foods. He's been through 15 different doctors and therapists and other professionals in his life working on his skills and delays. We get so many comments and opinions on his autism diagnosis and his feeding difficulties from people who don't have a clue what we're going through. For people who do not know his medical history, most people do not know his medical history as I've only shared it with a

small group of friends and family because I feel it's private and I want him to have control over that as he gets older. I used to explain to everyone that would question our parenting, feeding, all of his medical diagnosis and why we were doing things the way we were in an effort to justify our choices and decisions to them. But that has always led to more intrusive questions regarding my medical history, such as what did I do wrong during my pregnancy, what vaccines did I take, what did I eat, and why I thought my son had autism. This podcast has helped me not to care what others think, their opinions, and at the end of the day, they don't get a vote. It has been such a relief and blessing to think this way. Thank you. I've never been more happy to have this podcast than just that note right there is there anything more i can't

imagine kelly when you're going through your breast cancer stuff how many people asked you what you ate ask you what happened ask you like well have you tried essential oils you should cut out red dyes like just like stop talking with that one with me it was more people questioning my the fact that I chose to have the double mastectomy well was that the right choice why did you choose that why didn't you go this way is that too extreme well I was like well A it's not your choice

but having a special needs child I mean we've had this before about why we chose like one thing over another and I was in the same exact spot she was, especially when we brought our son home. I felt like I had to explain to every caregiver or teacher why he was delayed. Well, you know, we just adopted him and he's been in an orphanage and blah, blah, blah. No. And I remember, so my son has CP and when he was little, he'd fall a lot and we wouldn't pick him up. He had to learn how to get up and we would stop and wait,

or I'd put my leg out and he could climb up my leg. And I'm talking, he was, you know, three or four years old, not, you know, not an infant. And people, we would get this look. I'm like, he has to learn how to get up because falling is part of his, of his issues. He's going to fall and he has to learn how to get himself up. And now- Y'all should get a parenting award. It's just part of his, I mean, it's part of his world. He rarely falls anymore, but when he does, he just gets up and moves along. We don't make a deal of it. You know, it doesn't make him better or special or whatever.

It's just part of who he is and he has to get up. And, but I mean, we would get people all the time, you know, let me go help him or I'd say, hey, could you, could you not? He needs to get up by himself. Have you tried oregano oil? It's so good. Yeah. It's so good.

Oh yeah. You can diffuse it and it just helps the synapses. And have you tried a keto diet? Because that really. Yeah. Hard at all. So I can't imagine.

I think ours was a small glimpse of what all she's going through, especially with feeding issues and stuff like that. And keep your own opinions to yourself. They don't get a vote. Amazing. You just, like, lifted my spirits after a really kind of tough, tough, tough show.

Thank you so much for writing in. What was her name? Allison. Allison, we love you here. Keep that circle small and love those folks well who love you well. Hey, thanks, thanks everybody for listening. Man, sometimes these shows are real life and they are hard and they are heavy. And we look forward to – I'm just grateful you all sat with us.

Take care of the people in your world. You have no idea what wars other people are fighting. Love you guys. Bye.