The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband and I Haven’t Had Sex in 2 Years

Episode Date: August 15, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: -          A wife tired of begging her husband for sex -          A man wondering if he should ask his girlfriend to move in -        �� A woman struggling with her husband’s multiple addictions Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch    Connect With Our Sponsors: Need to talk to someone? BetterHelp is virtual therapy when it’s convenient for you. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. These are the BEST sheets and towels in the world. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Getting lots of spam calls? DeleteMe can clean up your online presence for you. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Find peace every day. Hallow is the simplest way to slow down and get your head right for the day. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  I have Helix Midnight mattresses in EVERY bedroom in my house. Get 20% off when you visit Helix Sleep and take the sleep quiz to see what you need!  I took Thorne supplements way before I worked at Ramsey. Stoked that we can work together now! Get 25% off for LIFE at Thorne.    Head over to Poncho Outdoors to try the best outdoor performance shirt for yourself!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My husband and I have not had sex in two years. Honestly, I would like to leave, but how can I divorce someone just because they won't be sexually intimate with me? Man, I hate to say this because these things get clipped on the Internet and sent out all over the place. I don't think you want to divorce your husband because he won't sleep with you. What is going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. I'm so glad you're here talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and your marriage and your kids. All of it. You want to be on the show? Go to John Deloney.com slash ask. ASK. We'll get you hooked up. Let's go out to Louisville, not Louisville. Like it's exactly like it's spelled. it's it's not spelled louisville it's spelled louisville because that's how you spell louis it's also how you spell louis yeah but phonetically yeah i'm just looking at the letters the city is literally named under king louis louis i know i all of that is cool just says louis just go the call it's louisville

Louisvillee but if you say Louisville or even Louisville they come for your children because it's called lovel so we're going to go out to and talk to brie what's up brie hey yeah you're right it's loo it looks like you've had it sounds like you've had like six beers and you're just like loo yeah oh exactly so what's up for all you do thanks for taking mccol Of course. Thank you. What's up? So I'm going to cannibal, like you say, even though I feel like this is a big onion. One, peel it.

Okay. So my husband and I have not had sex in two years, and before that, it had been very, very sporadic being, like, twice a year. And I feel like roles are reversed, and I'm wanting more than him. And there's a lot of past with us. We've been married for 25 years. And so I think that a lot of that has gotten in the way of him desiring me or wanting to be with me. And I have asked a lot of the questions that you've, I listen to you all the time, and I've asked a lot of the questions that you've mentioned, but I don't get answers. So I'm wanting, honestly, I would like to leave.

I've thought about divorce, but I'm also a woman of faith. And I think how can I divorce someone just because they won't be sexually intimate with me, which seems like a very selfish thing to me. Man, there's like 40 questions here. There's a lot. There's a big onion. That's right. I'll start at the end and work backwards.

I don't think you want to divorce your husband because he won't sleep with you and hasn't for years. The deeper layer is you have said, well, you connect with me, not just physically, but also emotionally and relationally. And he has said, no. He won't answer your questions. He won't go to the doctor. He won't be honest with you. he is not in my opinion being a person of fidelity that's hard to hear not being a person of integrity right and so we can go backwards but there's lots of people in what i would what are what are

classically defined as sexless marriages 10 interactions or less a year um and that's the world they've set up for themselves and by and large they're happy that's the world that they in habit and there's other couples that have sex 10 times a week i mean just constantly i don't know how they have time to do anything else other than have sex but they're doing it all the time and they're miserable and so the frequency i i do think what you're mentioned not having sex for two years i think is is a challenge having having it once or twice a year in the years before that on its face sounds like it's tough but the bigger issue is are y'all talking together about physical intimacy and are y'all

helping each other meet each other's needs and if the answer is no to that then you've got a bigger issue that's that's issue number one but hold on before you start up number two is I heard you three times in your explanation blame yourself yeah you said I think the roles are reversed here that is that's that's fake news millions of women are in sexless marriages because their husbands are struggling with ED their husbands are struggling with obesity which has all kinds of health implications

for erections and for even wanting to be intimate because their husbands are obsessed with pornography like this is pervasive this isn't just you okay so I don't want you to quietly and shamefully bow your head and think that there's something wrong with you because you want, you're a woman and you're all out on an island by yourself.

You want to have more sex than you're having. That is just simply inaccurate. Millions and millions and millions of women are in your same boat, okay? Maybe not to the extreme, but you're not, there's not something wrong with you, okay? Now, you also blamed yourself and said, there's some reasons he doesn't want to be with me. I would love to hear those reasons that you have, the stories you tell yourself about that. well i have been very direct um i've gotten to a point in my life i'm turning 50 next year and i'm like i'm done with all the games and all the nonsense i came straight out and i was like one do you want

to be married to me and two why don't you desire me um and his answer is usually i don't know I don't have answers for you. I don't know what to say. But the most recent was that I trigger his trauma and that from the past. And that's probably why I blame myself for a lot of things because in the past I had a lot of, let's just say, I had a lot of sexual issues where I had. I was abused and other things and so that when we started our marriage it made things really difficult for him

and then when I got healed that changed a lot of things and so I feel as if I'm still being blamed for that okay and there's probably truth all around right that he wanted to sleep with his new wife

and that was painful, scary, whatever for you, right? Yeah. And there was a learning curve together? Well, yeah, and it just kind of, I was very controlling in like what was allowed or what we could do because of my past. So it kind of dampened things a bit. How long ago was that? Oh, gosh.

that's 15 years ago at least but I don't think he's ever forgiven me for those things okay that's the answer right there mm-hmm it it I mean I hate to say this because these things get clipped on the internet and send out all over the place if you're triggered that's your body immediately going to defcon one fight or flight is trying to save you you. And in relational context, you get a couple of triggers, and then the job is to go heal and teach your body that what used to terrify us or what was scary is no longer scary. So saying something triggers me as permission to just sit on the couch and not live my life and not be in a marriage is a non-starter for me.

Right? You were triggered early on in your marriage. because of past abuse right yes and so you set some boundaries that he was all in on and it was frustrating for him it was scary for you you all walked through it together that's what healing looks like and now you're trying to get the wallpaper to peel off and he is saying i'm still scared from 15 years ago so i don't want to do anything the real actually go ahead go ahead well he actually said to me that I, quote, trained him to be this way because of how my controlling behavior from the past. If this was a year ago or two years ago, five years ago, I would give him that. 15 years.

I don't know. He's not on the phone to defend himself. And so me trying to get in his head and decide what he's doing or why he's doing it, whatever. It sounds to me like he has not forgiven you. He's mad that he lost his. in his mind, he's sitting here at 50 years old, thinks he lost his 30s, thinks he lost his late 20s, and it's just, I checked out. Yeah.

But what I don't buy is I don't have any answers for you. Oh, no, oh no. I don't know. I don't buy that. Right. So when you say, I need some answers, what does he say? he's just he gets very um well he eventually shuts down but he gets defensive or angry and when i bring up my feelings and he brings up his and there's no it's just a back and forth it turns into a back and forth between

um us so then that nothing gets resolved and that's why i'm just at a point in my life where i would really like to I want to move forward I don't want to go backwards yeah there you go have you said that to him I guess not in those exact words

I've really said you know I'm kind of done with all the all the dance like I did what you say I turned off the lies turned out of music and I looked down and I said I'm done with all the dance

I'm done with all that I want to move forward. I want to be more intentional on my life. But I don't think he's on board for that. What did he say? He just looked at me and said, I know you are and I don't have answers for you. So.

And he is, I mean, I know, I feel like all the other, people who call it in backpedal, but he is trying to go to counseling, but the counseling doesn't seem to be, it's like he just has talk therapy. It's not like they're actually diving into anything. And he said, you know, he was like, well, we're supposed to start doing stuff this on the next session. And I'm like, but it's been six months since I said all this.

And in January, we had planned, we sat our daughter down, we planned on divorcing. And then we had a going away, sitting down, talk, and that changed. What changed? But he promised that he would go to therapy. He would work through some of the, quote, trauma, the things that he refuses to forgive me for. and I it was the first time he ever said that and so I agreed I was like okay if you're going to go do that I will wait that's just what it feels like is I'm just in waiting mode okay I think it's time to have a second conversation okay I can't be in the position to say you need to

divorce somebody I'm not going to do that no I understand um but you've heard me say this a million times behavior is a language yes and it sounds like through his actions he is not interested in forgiving you for the the hurt and the injustice that he feels from when y'all are first together and rightly or wrongly it's a free country he has he can do that i would say as a married man he opted out of that and he opted to constantly come back to the table looking to heal. That's not what he's choosing to do. And so there's something about a sobering conversation that says, hey, six months ago, we sat down and made this plan. And I recognize in the past as a part of me trying to get myself well that I ran you through the ringer. And the best I can do is tell you,

I'm so sorry. And here we are 15 years later. At best, we're halfway through our life, at worst we're three quarters of the way through statistically speaking i want to wheels off as long as we can yes are you in or are you in or are you out and i don't know that we can't do that we can't do that anymore or i will take your willing your your refusal to answer questions as you saying i don't have the courage to say it but i don't want to be be married to you anymore. All right, so here's the deal. He is in a house with a woman who does not like him.

And you may love him, but you don't like him. No. And you're in a house with the woman who is saying, what about me, what about me, what about me, what about me, what about me? Yes, that's why I feel selfish. Well, about it. And you've probably said the words, I feel a thousand times. Yes.

When's the last time you made him a cup of coffee? You said, good morning. I do that every once a while I'll make him his he's very routine oriented so sometimes I will take on a part of his routine so he doesn't have to do it I just put that out there

it's not a thing I want everyone to go start doing today but it's a I can imagine he feels like he lives in a failure factory and I've heard you say that before and you might feel like you live in one too but the reality is i think you left this marriage in january two and basically like all right brother

you go ahead you fix it and you can't fix marriages like that and at the same time you can't carry his entire if he doesn't want to forgive you if he's just going to die bitter and angry which people do then yeah i mean but i think there's one more conversation that needs to be had Okay. Yeah. I think that I have been saying a lot about like, I guess my brain has left the marriage because my brain is like nothing has changed and I'm still here and I'm just, yeah, that's where I just feel like I'm kind of flopping in the wind like a flat. like a flag and waiting for someone to do something so so yeah

so let's just say six months of that hasn't gotten us anywhere no you can sit down tonight and say hey I want to talk to you and I want no screens on the phones down I want the TV off and say tomorrow I made us an appointment to go see a marriage counselor I want you to come with me or hey look I've called my attorney again and I'm going to get the papers drawn up that we were going to divorce in January.

It's clear you're not interested in forgiving me and it's clear that you're not interested and us working together on getting answers and I'm becoming somebody I don't want to be and so I'm willing to call this if that's what you want to do. Or you can sit him down and say, hey, for three weeks after the money of marriage

after we get back on the same page, things were pretty amazing. and I saw finally the first time a little pinlight but I don't want to delude myself but there's there's there's he knows you don't like him

he knows your heart, mind and body and spirit don't like him most people don't want to sleep with somebody that doesn't like him and he sounds like he is really slow playing this thing and he's not interested in things being different he kind of likes things the way they are and you're not okay with that and so i hesitate to say this again but got to turn the lights back on and turn the music back off because you'll slip back into the same dance um or right now he's just

dancing was that billy idle he's dancing with himself in the middle living room and you're just got your arms crossed in the corner of the room just staring at him saying i don't like the way you're dancing just turn the lights on just say hey dude what are we doing you can't say i don't know I want you to finally take the lead on some of this. What do you want to do next? We've been therapy for six months. And let's make some firm decisions and get on with our lives. We're 50 years old for crying out loud.

But I'm encouraged that after money marriage, man, there was a light that came on. And maybe he just said, you know what, it's going to be too much work to change everything. I'm out. I'm so sorry, Bree. Thanks for the call. We come back.

A man asks if he should marry his girlfriend before moving in to get. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Everyone is talking about therapy these days, and I often hear folks tell me privately, I don't think I've had any major traumas in my life. This is super important. Therapy is not just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for that,

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And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Listen, talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. hey we're back real quick um once a month i go into these meetings with kelly and the team and we talk about the show metrics and i continue to be stunned by the countless millions of people who tune in and watch this show on youtube or the youtube shorts or who listen to the podcast on on apple on spotify whatever and then i look at the subscriber counts

y'all hit the subscribe button it makes such a difference there's a gap like hundreds of millions please hit the gap uh help us close that gap just take a second to hit the subscribe button it helps with studio stuff it helps with guests it helps with sponsorships it helps with the whole kitten caboodle but most importantly when you hit the subscribe button and you continue to watch and listen to the show it kicks it up into the algorithms and it makes the show available for more people for free and that's what we're trying to do is to help people change their marriages change the way they raise their kids kids and change their mental emotional health all across this country. Those changes are going to come from people inside their own homes and inside their own cars and inside, you know, their headphones saying, I'm going to make a change starting now. And you can help with that. It doesn't cost any money just to hit subscribe. So thank you so much for taking the time to do that. All right, we go out to Salt Lake City, Utah and talk to Scott.

What's up, Scott? Hi, John. What's up, dude? Hey, so for context, I've been dating my girlfriend for the past seven months now. And I've been seeing a lot of content on marriage before moving in together. And I feel like me and her have been having a lot of really mature conversations. And I asked her about these videos and what her thoughts were, she's not opposed to it

but she's not all for it either and my question is do I marry this girl before asking her to move in with me you're actually asking two different questions here my answer to that just for the data for a hundred different reasons

is yes the idea that we're going to practice being married as kind of a dry run to see if we want to do this forever the data doesn't bear that out in fact it is it's the last i've seen is inverse right it actually you're practicing but you each have a foot out of the door just in case and so you get actually a distorted view of what what what actually what actually is going on inside this relationship and so yes i would recommend anybody um that you get married for you decide that you really lock up and say we're going to do this thing and then you go before you

both jump right but the bigger question i'm asking you is you've come to you've been together seven months you've had in your words mature conversations i don't really know what that means but y'all having mature conversations and you'll have come to an impasse and i would call it a values impasse that why aren't you addressing that bigger issue addressing the values in past here's what i mean you've been watching content online

let me let me you know what i'm gonna take a different direction what do you want to do do you want to be married before you move in together forget what the internet says forget what what swipe up what real you're watching what do you're watching what do you think is the best right move for you? I keep thinking I want to marry her.

Okay. Awesome. Why the rush? Why the rush to move in? Why the rush to get married? The possibility of living together, doing things in a more combined fashion on a regular basis. The fact that she's spending so much time over here already.

And to just get on with life, I guess. How old are you? I'm 28 Okay Is she the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? I think she's showing me

a lot Bro, you've got to be able to answer that question before you move in with someone and or marry them. How old is she? She's 20. Oh, God.

What? She's 20? Yeah. Okay. What does she say about all of this? She's told me she would marry me. My wife. wife told me yesterday she would get the oil changed if i needed to need her to i don't like the

fact that you can't say this is the person i've met and i want to spend the rest of my life with her i don't like the fact that she's like well i guess if if that's what we have to do then we'll do that I don't know why. Something just feels not right here. What is it? What am I missing? It's me not answering the question of do I want to spend the rest of my life this woman? Why can't you answer that question?

I can't I can't I definitely I think the answer is yes Then God help her and you Don't move in together Okay Please don't move in together

Don't put a 20 year old in this situation Is she in college? Is she out of school? What is she doing? Uh, she's, uh, she's, uh, an entrepreneur, kind of like me. I didn't answer my question. Is she working? Is she out of school?

What is she doing? Oh, yeah, she's working. Okay, what does she do? Uh, she's got a photography biz. Okay. Okay. coyness around you that I can't put my finger on. What am I missing here?

I think where I'm getting tripped up is what it takes to get married and the fact that we have to have a ceremony and it almost seems like we need to have that in a church. And we've had a conversation about what it would be like to go to church. But obviously we don't do that already. And I think what's preventing me of asking her the question is the fact that we don't have a church to get married in. Do you hear what you're saying? yeah i think the answer to that is uh dude it's gonna be pretty easy to find a church no it's i mean you're talking about a wedding venue as far as you're concerned like like well just you just to be

honest it's it's it's sounding like madness and i'll also say this it's just it's weighing on me there is a huge gap huge gap and it's the same numerically there's a huge gap between 20 and 28 and 30 and 38 a massive gap in wisdom in maturity and understanding what life how life works a massive gap You're 28. You don't, I mean, you're worried about, I don't think I want to get married yet because I don't even know what building to go to to do the ceremony.

Bro, you're so far away from being ready to be married to somebody. I guess I'm more confused with how you even got here. We've had... She was 19 when y'all met. You were 27? She was...

She was 20 when we met. Okay, so still 20? Yeah. Okay. So be honest with me, dude. What's the rush here? You have a 20-year-old, man, who's just dated somebody for seven months.

It's been seven awesome months. But you haven't had the religion conversation to anybody's satisfaction. You haven't had the marriage conversation to anybody's satisfaction. You don't even know if you want to marry her or not. You just want her around a lot. What do you do for a living?

I work full-time. Well, great. What kind of entrepreneur are you? I'm in small business acquisition. Okay. Do you make any money? Do you make enough money to take on the responsibilities of marrying a 20-year-old entrepreneur who's starting her life? If you're asking me, if we can survive on my income only, then yes.

That's not really what I'm asking. I'm asking just the broader picture of what it means to be married, especially when there's this big of a gap. yeah i guess the end of the day brother there's just a ton of unanswered questions but let me let me frame it in a different way for you if i was the father of a 20 year old girl my nine year old 11 years for now she's 20 she says dad i met this amazing guy he's 28 i would want to go sit down and shake his hand i want to have a meal with that with that guy with you and if i looked across the table and said are you ready to love and honor and cherish my daughter for the rest of her life to go to war on her behalf to serve her to love her forever and your first thought was well you know i'm kind of

hesitating because i don't know what i don't even know what church we should get buried in um and i'm not really like ready to commit but like i saw some tic talks and said we should get married before we moved into the same house i'd probably just get up and walk away because I don't like you, you're just not ready for the commitment that is being a husband and saying, till death do us part, I pick you, and I'm going to choose to love you every minute of every day. Because I got people that call into this show that run down to the JP and get married because they're ready to do life together.

It's not like, well, I guess I will if you will. And it's like, well, I mean, I would, but I don't even know what building. And we should probably go to church, but we don't even go to church yet. man you're just a long way off brother and so you've said you've had some mature conversations i don't know what that means i would ask some deeper questions and you my friend need to get some men who have been married for a while and begin having regular meetings with those dudes as a form of mentorship what does it actually mean to be a husband what does it mean to be a husband and a business owner small business acquisition entrepreneur as you say like what does it mean to take on these

responsibilities how do i love a 20 year old who's still in the process of growing up and trying decide what she wants to do and how she wants to do it and does she want to go back to school does you all those things how do i do that because it's a skill set and man you're not there yet so that's what i got to say yes i think people should get married before they move in together and maybe i can do a whole other show on that if people want that one day but as for you just what you're telling me yeah i think it's i think it's time to hit the brakes on this thing man and go slow seven awesome months cool have 24 awesome months go on some trips together have some fights together get really upset with each other and repair that relationship have some big talks about kids and big talks

about jobs and big talks about homes and big talks about faith big talks about money how we're going to our household how we're going to work together to finance our household like have those big conversations before you decide to say like, yep, let's just, you know what, it'd be easier if we live in the same apartment and I'll watch TikTok a few times. Let's go ahead and just get married. Yeah, I want to have some way bigger conversations. Thanks for the call, brother. We come back. A woman wonders if her marriage is salvageable due to her husband's addictions. All right, I want to talk about supplements for a second. I'm so sick of hardworking men and women and moms and dads being fed lines about how important supplements are, but then having to go to a local store and choose

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and i want you to try them out too all right let's go out to the home of nirvana and pearl jam and talk to liz what up liz hey let hey dr john thanks for taking my call of course what's up um my husband and i have lived separately for the last year and a half due to his addictions anger issues and i'm wondering if our marriage is even salvageable at this point i'm so sorry is he sober uh he's trying to be sober is he sober i don't think so okay which tells me you're still not safe right yeah i'm sorry What's his, what's, what is he using to help him get through a day? It's a combination of porn, nicotine, and marijuana.

Okay. Tell me who he becomes, what's your experience of him when he's using? Um, it's just a completely different person. And when he's not easing, that's where the anger comes out. Yeah. What's happened in his life that you may or may not know? What's happened in his life that he just cannot rest in his own skin? Um, I'm not entirely sure.

I know that he grew up kind of in a very fear-based controlling, parental situation. He's still very enmeshed with his mom and dad. We lived with them for three years before I moved out with our kids because of what's going on. Wow. Is he still living there? He is. And I've asked him to try to get his own living situation just so he can figure out what it means to be a self-sufficient adult and figure out what he wants and who he is. And he tells me they're his safety net and that breaks my heart yeah because when y'all got married y'all became each other's safety net mm-hmm i'm sorry how long are you all married three years you said eight years we lived with his parents for three years after five years why'd you move in with

his parents um we had our second kiddo and the plan was for me to stay home so I quit my job and we moved in with them to save for a house and it just it didn't happen okay I mean you tell me yes I think marriages are salvageable if somebody has had a history with addiction and puts in the work I absolutely 100% think that things are salvageable. Not only are they salvageable, they can be amazing. But people have to do the work.

And you've already nailed it on the head. He's got to get out of his parents' house and he's got to get his own two feet underneath him and he has to learn how to take care of himself before he can in any way feel up to the task and or capable of the task of taking care of a family. I'm so sorry. How many kids do you have?

Two. How old are they? Four and six. How have they lived through this whole mess? My son's learning the anger, and my daughter's teachers don't even know their dad's name. Your son is experienced. experiencing the anger because he was absorbing all of his tension everywhere. Mm-hmm.

And little boys often express it and girls eat it. Mm-hmm. So she's probably experiencing it too. She may be experiencing it through people-pleasing or just being quiet or just trying to stay in a shadow, but she's experiencing it too. Mm-hmm. So what do you want to do? I've been wanting to fight for a marriage and I've been, I feel like I have been fighting for the last year and a half, begging him to go to counseling for himself to get out of that house

and be his own person. Did you function as a maternal figure for him? Were you his mom when you were married to? Probably, yeah. Okay. Did you make sure he was where he needed to be and make sure he had brushed his teeth and make sure the dishes were done and make sure the kids were, I mean, was that your job too on top of working?

Mm-hmm. Okay. So he just doesn't want to live a life without a mommy there. And unfortunately, he's got one. At home, ready to take him back. Mm-hmm. And he can smoke weed and watch porn and just not engage in his life. Well, you're trying to raise these two little kids.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, man. Those kids deserve more than that, and you do too. So I would say this isn't about addiction. This is about a kid struggling with some pretty significant demons that is just choosing to say. I'd rather stay here in my mommy's house and my daddy's house. Then go take the responsibilities of being a husband and being a dad that I signed up for. Mm-hmm.

He constantly tells me, like, well, I'll move in today because, you know, I got myself an apartment. I've got a full-time job. PTSA, mom, doing all the things. um extracurriculars and uh he's like i'll move in today if you'd let me of course he would and he expects you to do his laundry and uh wants to he says he wants to lead the family and i don't know at any point in time when he's done that yeah i want a hundred billion dollars i'm not really working towards that um have you I realize what I'm about to say is putting yet another responsibility on you that you don't

deserve, okay? Can we just agree? This is lame that I'm doing this. Okay. Okay. Like, I want everyone listening to know, this is not on you yet here we are, okay? Have you given him a path of the, a path back? And here's what I would mean. Here's the deal. For three years you have not lived up to the role in responsibility of being my husband or being the parent, the father of these kids. You're struggling with all kinds of addiction from pornography to smoking weed all the time. And I, you're opting out of our life. So here's what a path back would look like. Number one, you go to a counselor. Number two, you get two jobs. Number three, you have your own apartment for six months

number four you get an exercise good i'm making stuff up right now you accomplish these things and i will wait for six more months before i terminate this marriage but basically this isn't your job because he's like i want to be a leader maybe he does and he doesn't doesn't even have a path And he clearly doesn't have Instagram to find some of these bros out there telling you how to, like, be a good husband and a role model.

But here we are. The Gottman's talk about love maps. I like to call him roadmaps, but like giving somebody a path back. Here is the path. Might be helpful here. You may have done that 50 times already. Yeah. I've given him a list of things.

And, you know, throughout all of these struggles that we've had, and this is where I feel like we get kind of stuck is in this, you know, when we got to his parents and things just were getting really toxic with unsolicited parenting advice and just constant, you know, criticism of, oh, you're not working, you need to get a job, then I got a job, well, now you shouldn't be working, you should be doing this instead. and just not having the support from him, I ended up having an emotional affair. And when I came clean about it and had ended it, that is now on his side. He's like, well, you're the one who cheated on me and took the kids and left. Good.

Dave, that's the story he wants to cuddle up with at night so he can sleep and so be it. Mm-hmm. Did you sleep with somebody else? No. Okay. did you go did you reach out to somebody else for emotional support yes okay you've owned it you put on the table and if he is choosing to stay married with you then he is choosing to go all in put both feet

back in the boat not to keep one foot and both arms in mommy's house and to hold you hostage if he feels justified in leaving then he needs to pack up his big boy suitcase and leave but holding you hostage is not the way you heal from that it's the way he holds some illusion of power now that he's never had because he doesn't want to work and he doesn't want to be a present father and he doesn't want to be a household leader which actually by the way means getting underneath the whole thing and lifting it up it doesn't mean doing whatever you want whenever you want to right so i hear both people have made decisions that would take back one person is saying I put mine on the table here we are I became somebody I did not want to become I called it I ended it here we are and he's like well I'm gonna go to my mom's house which I don't have a lot of disdain for people I'm just a pretty accepting person but guys like this get under my skin because they've got two little kids and I don't care what you feel like you have a responsibility and a job and you said I do and you're

continuing to stay married and so you have responsibilities to get back in their arena and he's not so the deal is liz i can't tell you what to do next i can just tell you i don't think we're dealing with an addiction issue i think we're dealing with a you don't respect the man that you're married to and you don't um he's not doing respectable things right now Mm-hmm. And here we are. And those two kids need their dad.

Mm-hmm. Not the man-child that's living at home smoking weed plant video games. Mm-hmm. But the dad, they can't wait to see him when he gets home. tell me why you're crying I feel like I didn't see this person

before we got married and now my kids are suffering the consequences I'm an adult I'll be okay that they're already learning from this behavior and in these kind of moments the only thing we can do is do the next right thing

which I say all the time but it sounds to me like you're doing that you had to go get a job, you're doing that you had to get them a safe place to live, you're doing that. You're showing up and being present. for them at school you're doing that it's not ideal it's not the best case scenario especially with dad just sitting right across the street in his mom's basement smoking weed but you're making the best you're doing the next right thing you leaned up on somebody

emotionally that that violated your values and his values and you called it out I mean you did that you're doing the next right thing you can grieve what should be and you can grieve what is and you get to decide whether you want to stay in this marriage you want to give him another i don't know another shot or leave the you get to decide what to do there i'll tell you the ambiguity is what's going to be hard your your kids absorbing moms one foot in and one foot out and trying to manage this but also they're going to absorb all of that and by the way the narrative he will paint to your kids is your mom's a cheater and your mom left me that will be the story and anytime we're in this situation you're playing a 10 or 15 year game

you want to continue to show up and be a person of high high high integrity and love and presence and through years of feeling that your kids will get that message it'll be uncomfortable and awkward and hard and full of tears and mad and all that which nobody wants for the children but here we are um yeah this one this one this one gets me man because you just got a guy standing home with his parents who's not willing to step up to his responsibilities and i know he's got some demons he's got some challenges etc but i'll just look directly at the camera dude you got a wife at home fine she messed up she's asked you to come home and you said i will come home but on my terms you got two kids that are that are just floundering right now it's on you put on your big boy pants

get out of your mommy's house quit smoking weed delete your computer screens quit looking at pornography go see a counselor go to a gym go get two jobs and practice leading which i will say one more time is not about my wife and kids do what i say that is not leadership leadership is getting underneath the whole thing and saying because i'm a sturdy presence in this chaos i'm free to love y'all recklessly, and y'all are free to live recklessly wild, love-filled lives. So, Liz, it's your move, but I'm looking at husband here in this picture and this camera. Bro, it's your move. We'll be right back. All right, it's time for a word about my favorite mattress on the planet, Helix.

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this is a dark episode dude all right it's one of those molasses episodes you know yeah it's just like there's no easy paths other than

right no clear answers people just act like grownups and god almighty want people act like grownups that's all I have to say about that would like some cool crap that happened

I would love some cool crap that happened all right so this is from Joshua in chillicothe Ohio where Chilacothy, Ohio. Where? Chilacothy. Sounds awesome.

I was thinking about Ohio, but whatever. Go ahead. All right. And he writes. He says, I just had to share something awesome that happened recently, and it Olipa happened because I actually listened to your advice. My daughter and I took a little adventure to our go-to theme park. It's only about 90 minutes away, or 90 minutes away, so we're regulars, and we don't think twice

about popping in for just a few hours. This one turned into something extra special. We kicked things off with two rides that had my stomach doing backflips. I was not feeling great, but I told my daughter that I would push through because we were going to make a day of it. Fast forward to around 5 o'clock and I very casually asked if she was ready to head out. Her response? Nope.

She looked to me straight in the eyes and declared, We're closing this thing down tonight. Yes. We hit every ride, laughed until our face is hurt, and didn't stop until after the park closed, only after a magical night ride on her favorite roller coaster in a full on fireworks finale.

These are the funeral moments and for that, I thank you. Yes, funeral moments, dude. I love epitaph moments when you have like, Dad, let's go get tacos and ice cream. Dude, it's midnight. You need to go back to sleep.

Come on. And you go. All right, let's do it. You can't do that all the time, obviously. But, man, good for you, Dad. It's the stories they'll tell it your funeral. Those moments. I, dude, I love it.

I love it. I love it. It would have been so much easier just to be exhausted and tired and go home at five. And she would have sat in the backseat and gone along with it. But, dude, you push through. And can we all just say, that's hot and miserable. It just is. And it can be magical.

But, dude, that's four more hours of bathrooms, lines, and bad hot dogs and hot and whatever. Good for you, Dad. That makes me happy in my heart. Dude, that just lifted me back up. Good job, dude. Good job. That's an adult acting like, actually, that's an adult acting like a kid and loving it. So way to go. Act like adults, adults, except when you're at a theme park with your child and then let the inner kid loose. Love you guys. Bye.