The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Cheated With an Escort!

Episode Date: March 4, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: -       A wife unsure of how to move forward after her husband cheated with an escort -       A woman who doesn’t agree with her husband on their will -       A man wondering how to help his ex for the sake of their daughter Next Steps   📞 Ask John a question! Leave a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or click here: https://www.ramseysolutions.com/shows/the-dr-john-delony-show/ask-a-question 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life: https://bit.ly/3EL5ubR 📝 Anxiety Test: https://bit.ly/460QXUp 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future: https://bit.ly/47q7Skm ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards: https://bit.ly/472lIKd 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation: https://bit.ly/3MAGpEV ❤️ Money & Marriage Event: http://ramseysolutions.com/getaway   Offers From Today's Sponsors   -       10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp: https://bit.ly/3seoBCe  -       3 free months of Hallow:  https://www.hallow.com/delony  -       25% off Thorne orders: https://www.thorne.com/u/delony -       Save up to $250 on the Eight Sleep Pod: https://eightsleep.com/delony  -       15% off your Apollo Neuro order: https://apolloneuro.com/pages/delony-lp?utm_source=delony&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=lander -       Save 20% on Organifi orders: https://www.organifishop.com/pages/delony   Listen to More From Ramsey Network   🎙️ The Ramsey Show 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.    Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy   X (@johndelony) Instagram (@johndelony) Facebook (facebook.com/johndelony/)  

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Oh wow, so he cheated on you with a prostitute. Yeah, so yeah he just kept saying, no just calm down and then finally when he opens his phone, I'm like who's this? And he's like, oh we went out with the friends and you know, this happens. No Kayla, it's madness. That does not just happen. What's going on, everybody? This is John. Yo, yo, yo. Hope you're doing so good. Hope you're doing so good. Hope your marriage is doing well. Hope you're doing well. If you're single, I hope you're living your best life, whatever even that means. I can't even say that with a straight face. I'm living my best life. I don't know what that means.

I hope that things are going all right for you. On the whole, I think people are doing okay. And I also think on the whole, people are also struggling. I think it's a both and. And that's what this show is about. It's sitting right in that gap between, hey, things could be so much better and things are awful I'm trying to figure out what we do next what comes next If you want to be on this show talk about mental health your emotional health talk about your anxiety your OCD your hoarding Whatever your depression whatever you got going on or your joy your laughter trying to find hope again Talk about your marriage your, whatever you got going on.

If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK or give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. And don't forget, please write your reviews. Leave as many stars as you feel comfortable. Anything less than five stars, just review Kelly. Just write Kelly.

Two and a half stars. I'd like you to know how many reviews and comments and stuff we get from people that say, be nicer to Kelly. I don't send them to you, but I would just like you to know that there are quite a few. Are there? Yeah, there are. How could I possibly be nicer to you? I'm as nice as they could.

I'm not. Am I? I'm not mean. No. Actually, I do feel the need to defend you. I really do. Every time it happens, I so want to send an email. This is, be like, okay, y'all don't understand.

It's not John being mean. And there's this one woman, bless her heart. She was like, it looked like Kelly was about to cry. I thought, oh, honey, you don't know me very well. No, you've only wept once. And that was when Chris Stapleton did the Super Bowl. The only two things that make me cry are sports and military stuff. So I don't know.

I'm not a crier. But you and I have a very, very brother-sister relationship. And people think— Where I'm the right brother and you're the sister. No, no. Where I'm the sister just puts up with the brother. You're the way older sister

who's kind of messed things up in her younger brother. No chance. In her younger brother. Four years. How old did you just turn? 46? Me?

Yeah. 33. Bull. Bull. Oh my gosh. Liar. Listen, for those of y'all listening, we're getting a little derailed. If you knew how much Botox Kelly has in her face right now, it's staggering.

It is staggering. They use a turkey baster. They don't even use like a syringe. It's amazing. It's amazing. You do look beautiful, though. It's a lot of work, but you look beautiful. I don't even color my hair. Yeah, you should probably edit that out.

You should probably edit that out. All right, let's go out to Sydney, Australia and talk to Kayla. What's up, Kayla? Hello. How are we doing? All right. How are you? I'm doing okay. How we doing? Um, all right. How are you? I'm doing okay. I'm doing okay. Just, we're just a little bit of mayhem today. How can I help? Thanks for calling.

Um, um, I found my husband cheated on a weekend night through his phone. Um, just not sure how to go forward with that, how to handle myself. I'm trying to put myself together. I'm heartbroken for you. I can hear it on you. How long have y'all been married? Eight years. Is this the first time you know of this happening?

Yes, that's the thing. I've never tried to look into his point in that way and never had a doubt or anything. And this night I just had a feeling because I called him after midnight. I thought he was going to be back by then. He didn't answer my call, tried a couple of times. I tried his friend that he went with and then he calls me back, but he was still busy, not giving me a fixed time when he was going to be back. He comes home in the morning, goes to bed and when I look into his his phone there was these numbers that i tried calling back and yeah um who were they like tell me what happened what were the numbers you just call strange like old girlfriends like who are you calling no it was just an escort service oh wow so he cheated on you with a prostitute

yeah oh my yikes I don't know which ones race if you know would have been way so if this is the race I just don't know how to so he didn't just cheat on you he put your life in your health at pretty significant risk and I don't know if this is the first time it's happened I'm just questioning everything course yeah you've probably heard me say this on the show that's what makes that's what makes this type of relational rupture so powerful is not only does it it dissolve what was right so the marriage you

thought you had is now over it also dissolves your trust in yourself because like you said like i've never even thought to question him never even occurred to me and now i question everything every time he's ever been late questioning him like i was sure what had happened but i'm like what if it comes um it's untrue and what if i'm just blaming him on this like it's a big thing that i'm gonna confront him with um like my hands were shaking of course but i think i think it's your body that knows everything's different now. Everything's different now. What did he say when you confronted him? Well, he just kept saying, no, calm down.

What happened? Did you look into my phone? What happened? I was like, just open your phone. I don't even have his passcode. So he has like fingerprint, which we've spoken about it before. And it just comes as a joke, you know, that I have boys sending me, you know, they have their college friends groups and they have these videos and all that nonsense. And I didn't take it very seriously. So I'm like, well, these are signs that I've been ignoring in the past, and this is what it is.

So, yeah, he just kept saying, no, just calm down. And then finally when he opens his phone, I'm like, who is this? And he's like, oh, we went out with the friends, and, you know, this happens. And then I just started to get really angry when he, like, you haven't even apologized or anything, and you're just making excuses that made me even more mad i just wanted him to admit it but he did not until i proved it to him um so at this point whatever he said after that i just don't know if it was to calm me down if it was true um yeah what a mess I'm so sorry.

He's saying he's ready to change because I was just going to take kids for a bit just away from him, you know, back overseas and just think about it. He's literally begged to give him another chance. He will do whatever I want him to do I don't want that type of relationship I don't want him to do what I you know want even though I do but not from me like he should know what he needs to do um so how can I help you what a mess I'm so sorry how can I help so um I just need, this is more about me now. Now I'm just putting myself together. How do I deal with this situation? I've tried and I've got a referral for a psychologist for myself before we go into marriage counseling.

I just put myself together. Also, when I do have boundaries with him, say in future, is it going to be me too much asking about stuff like not going out with boys for a while until, you know, I feel okay. Post midnight or going to a strip club or, you know, things happen that way that night. He first went for a drink and then strip club and then carried on with all of that. Yeah. Let me just hop in here. That's insane.

That is nonsense insanity. I went out last night with a group of guys. We went and had dinner. We stayed out way too late. None of us ended up at a strip club. None of us ended up calling prostitutes. None of us ended up coming home and lying to our wives. That's not just a part of it. Those things don't just happen.

That's what I'm thinking. You're not crazy. It's madness. That does not just happen. Oh, my God. That happens in the movie The Hangover. That's it. And it's a movie with Zach Galifianakis.

Hilarious, but not reality. You set out with intention. I'm still blaming myself about not giving him much time, just being after kids and, you know, my my own life I've lost my parents last year and I'm just in that mess dealing with that another thing is he knew I'm in a mess and he did that to me like does he even care about

me anymore the challenge hun is it's not about you it's about him you have to deal with the blowback right I mean it's become about you it's about him you have to deal with you have to deal with the blowback right i mean it's become about you but this is a selfish dishonest liar that you're married to and i asked him if will he leave his friends for me he said yes and then his one night his friend is in an emergency which he really he ended up in the

hospital the same friend that he went with and now i'm like it's not even his friends or it's more him i don't know why i'm angry with them so i let him he's like i really need to go is that okay i'm like yeah fine i even visited him in the hospital. But is it okay for him to be friends with that group? Here's the thing, Kayla, hold on. I'm telling you, I'm just going to cut straight to it. Is that okay? Yeah. Everything in your world's blown up. And if you've ever watched like a disaster movie there's always a house that blows up there's

a house there's a bunch of houses that blow up in a disaster movie and they always cut to a scene where there's somebody just like trying to start picking things up already and you just want to tell the person well just stop stop and that's what i want to tell you you lost your parents in the last year your marriage has blown up you lost trust in yourself you lost trust in this guy that you've leaned on

you don't know up from down left to right and you have to take ownership that that's the state of things at this moment okay yeah is it repairable I have two kids And you have to take ownership that that's the state of things at this moment. Okay? Yeah. Is it repairable? I have two kids. Yes.

It's 100%. There's a light at the end of this thing, but you got to sit in the dark for a minute. And yes, you're a mom. You're a good mom. And you know, I got to feed my kids. My kids got to go to school. They got to eat. They got to do these things.

But I need you to know, you didn't blow this thing up. But you have to deal with this side of it. Okay. All of the questions you are asking, let me just sum them up here. Y'all are going to have to rebuild a brand new marriage from the floor up. And that's not a bad thing. That's probably a good thing. There is no firm foundation on a new marriage, on any marriage that does, it's not built on trust. I trust you. I can rest assured that you're telling the truth, period. And so you're going

to have to practice trust. What does that mean? That means month by month, you're going to have to say, I need to see your phone always. I need to go back and look at all the old records of our finances to see how many escorts you've contacted in the past. I need to know every time you've cheated on me in the last eight years. And if you lie to me, you're telling me with your language, you want this marriage to end I'm gonna tell you I've worked with people who have made bad decisions for many many many years and I can't think of a time that somebody out of the blue just went and hung out with

their buddies and went to a strip club and then got prostitutes that's a that's that's an escalating pattern of behavior that happens over time yeah if your husband and his friends were one of the rare groups that this just got out of control and this just happened okay fine i can i'm i can stand to be wrong but i don't think i am and if it was that's when you home, and then you've got a husband on your front porch that's weeping so hard because he knows he just screwed up real, real bad, and that's not your husband. Your husband just came home nonchalant, went to bed, tried to hide it, lied to you, made you feel stupid, so to move forward at all, you have to start with the trust,

and that means you have to say, here's what it's going to take for me to trust you. Not all the way. We got eight years to build that back. Here's what it's going to take for me to trust you today. And we're going to get through today. I'm going to go to tomorrow. And some time with your kids away might be healthy for a season because you're so blinded by anger and frustration and disillusionment.

It might just be important for you to take a step back. Yeah. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Do you want this marriage to keep moving forward? Well, if it was 10 years ago, I would have never thought I would stay with a cheating partner like this. But now for the sake of my kids, and I love him, I gave it a nice thought for a week. I didn't speak to him.

I was so angry, just ignored, just did nothing in the house related to him. I thought I was going to go away, but it just hurt me so bad. I don't have anyone else, just him at this point. You don't have anyone else, just him at this point. You don't have a girlfriend or a group of friends you can call? I do have, but I don't know if I want to tell them this. I don't want things to be repaired, and then I just don't want them to think he's a fool. He is. He's 100%. He 1000% is a fool. But I want to tell you,

one of the frustrating things about this is you start keeping secrets from people that love you and that you love. Yeah. And this little thing that he did, it was not a little thing, this huge thing that he did, it ends up affecting every single relationship you have by yourself because you want to try to protect him and then it affects

the couple relationships y'all have it starts to affect everything and so i'm going to tell you the fewer secrets you can keep with people that you love and trust the better that doesn't mean you get there and sit down with your girlfriends and gossip about him and talk about how awful he is and he's the worst and blah. That's not what I'm saying. That's you getting down in the mud with him. If you start stealing his passcode, if you start sneaking around, then you're becoming him. You're becoming dishonest too. We're not going to do that. We're going to keep our dignity and our respect. But having two or three friends that you can sit down and say, hey, my husband screwed up real bad and he blew up everything. And I don't know what is up and what is down. People can handle a lot, but they can't handle a lot by themselves. They can with people walking alongside them. Yeah. I don't know what I'm doing all these days.

I stopped work because of my boy starting school, but I'm just in the bed all day. I barely do anything. Yeah, I'm just not functioning right. He is supporting me at this point, but I just don't know what future holds. What am I going to do? He is supporting me at this point, but I just don't know what future holds, what am I gonna do?

If you find yourself unable to get out of bed, if you find yourself a week later, two weeks later, three weeks later, and you can't eat, and you're catching your breath, and you don't wanna take a shower, and you just wanna stay in bed, absolutely call a psychologist and go sit with a therapist.

No question about it. And you've already done that, which is really wise. Not because you're broken. I don't think something's wrong with you. I think your body has been through enough. There's enough of the loss of your parents, the transition to Australia. Now your marriage has exploded.

Your body has just said, I quit. I'm checking out for a season. So there's nothing wrong with you. Your body's working. The question is, this isn't the time right now. I got kids. I got to figure this out. I got to start making plans.

So let's sit down with a therapist in your local area and let's begin working through that. But globally speaking, if he doesn't come clean and tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help him God, then anything you build moving forward is built on a faulty foundation. And if you don't give him a road, if you say, I'm going to trust you,

I'm going to stay in this marriage, we're going to rebuild this, but you don't give him a roadmap back to your trust, you're going to get mad at him for not writing on the right roads. So you're going to have to say, as un-Hollywood as it is, I need you to do the following five things for me to trust you today. Love today looks like, open up your phone. Love looks like, you don't carry an ATM card for a while because I don't trust how you're going to spend our joint money. Love looks like you don't carry an ATM card for a while because I don't

trust how you're going to spend our joint money. Love looks like me and the boys are going to go spend 30 days at a friend's house just so I can clear my head and even ask myself, what do I want? What do I need? I just need to get out of the haze of this house. It's been very, very clear with him. And that starts with you saying, I deserve to have some wants. I deserve to have some needs. And I deserve dignity and respect. And since the man I married isn't doing that, isn't giving me that, I'm going to go get it.

I am going to stand up tall. And I'm going to demand it. You deserve that, Kayla. You deserve that. So, so sorry for all of your losses. I don't think your marriage is over. It doesn't have to be, but you're going to have to be very, very clear about what you need moving forward. And he's going to have to be willing to take a knee, both knees and say, I'm sorry. I'm in the rebuilding process for the long haul. Hopefully he can make that turn.

Hopefully you can too. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about, though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate.

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on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and Hallow helps you with both.

Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Hallow, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Charlotte, North Carolina and talk to the mighty Tori. Hey, Tori, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you today? We're partying. What are you up to? I'm good. This is my second time calling you actually. Two years ago, I was the L&D nurse that asked your advice for how to mourn when we lose babies. Oh, wow. Did I give you terrible

advice? No, it was so amazing. I've sent that podcast to so many other nurse friends when we've gone through things, and it's been so, so, so helpful. I'm so thankful. Well, you're a saint. I decided I'd call you back. You are awesome. Keeps up in my luck. Yeah. All right. We're going to take another spinner on the roulette wheel. So what's up? Okay. So when I called, I wasn I wasn't a parent and now my husband and I are parents of a beautiful five month old baby boy. Congratulations. Um, thank you. It's been going really well, really thankful for him. Um, and I feel like we're great parents together. We're in line and everything. My question for you is what do I do? And my husband and I disagree

on who will raise our baby if we were to both die? So good. You're like, we agree on everything. We are perfect. What do we do if we agree not on the most important thing ever? Yes, absolutely. Okay. So one of you wants family and one of you hates the idea of family. Who's who? I think family is great, but I can't commit to it right now. I think you'd be pretty, it's good comical relief if I was to lay out the family situation for you. Okay.

Between the two of us. He wants family? He wants family, yes. Between the two of us, we have 10 siblings. Um, he's one of nine kids. I'm one of three. So you'd think at some point this would work out, right? Um, my small non-negotiable list is that I'd want someone who shares our faith. Um, someone who shares our same views of money and financial peace, um, a family unit with a strong marriage. So no single parent situation. And then I'm from the U.S. and he's from

Ecuador, so there's a little cultural clash here. And I'd want someone that would appreciate, you know, both of those cultures, that he'd grow up with both of those languages, that sort of thing. And my husband says, nope, just family. Yeah, you've put a tall order out there as well.

And I want him to be tall and super good looking. And I want him to be tall and super good looking and I want him to be named Brad and Pitt and that would be great. We happen to have two very great friends that we cherish that we go on vacation together with that we love a lot. I've never talked

to them about this because I don't have the go ahead from my husband but he's from Mexico. She's from the United States and all convictions are there. And I'm like, they'd be a great option. And my husband's like, you're right. They're a great option, but they're not family. So it's a no go. Okay. Um, so here, here's, here's step number one before anything else happens. And I'm even going to press you, um, before this week is over.

You'll have to put somebody down on paper. Yes. You and I both work in jobs where we've sat with people who the worst of the worst has happened. Yep. And you are, by doing nothing at this point, except just going back and forth, you're going to let the state of North Carolina, which does not have a good track record recently of making good choices, be the custodian of your family.

Then you're going to have 12 brothers and sisters coming out of the woods all over the place. Yep. And you're going to have people disappear into other country. You're going to have a mess on your hands. So even if it's the best of a bad situation with family, pick somebody. Right. Right. And then begin the discernment process or the, what I would call the negotiation process,

but you'll have to put somebody down on paper ASAP. Okay. Is that fair? Absolutely fair. All right. Now. Yes. agree. Is that fair? Absolutely fair. All right. Now I want y'all to, can y'all, can y'all, is this a civil conversation? Is it funny or is it starting to get kind of tense? Yes. And we're

both like apologetic. Like, and I think we're really good at sacrificing or, you know, give and take and stuff. And both of us are like, I'm so sorry, but I can't give up my convictions on this. Okay. It's very civil. Okay. So I want y'all to go on a date. Uh-huh. And I want you to have a blank sheet of paper. And if you go to like Michael's or Home Depot, not Home Depot, Michael's or Crafts, et cetera, something like that, one of those places, I want you to get some really nice cardstock paper.

Okay. And I'm telling you that because I want this to be some really nice cardstock paper. Okay? And I'm telling you that because I want this to be kind of a miniature event. Yeah. And at the top of the paper, I want you to write the word who. Mm-hmm. And I want you to scratch it out.

And underneath it, I want you to write what. Yeah. It's very easy when we're going through who we want to keep our kid, picturing us being gone and our kids sobbing at a funeral being held by somebody You can't do that Without being just covered up with emotion, right? I can get choked up in five seconds thinking of my kids, right?

And when we get emotional about a who, it just clouds everything. So the idea of we're going to look at characteristics first. What do we want the people who would be in our kids' lives, what do we want them to embody, to inhabit? Who do we want these people to be? And then you're going to say things like faith. And is it faith? I just want them to be Christian.

Or they have to go to this particular building in this particular denomination. When it comes to finances, like you got to follow the Dave Ramsey plan. If you borrow money, or I just don't want them to go from our place. They're going to burn through our life insurance and be in poverty. Like, what does that mean?

Okay. Right. Cultural representation. Do you want them to like know a second and third language? Do you want them to travel? What does that mean? What are we looking for here? And then the exercise becomes who in our life can backfill that.

Once you've gone through and laid all these things out, then you start plugging the who into it. And it does change the equation. Then you land on it. I'd tell you in my house, what we went with ultimately wasn't family, which is surprise, surprise. Here's why. Because my kids have now been six years in a state different than both of our families where they live. And so the thing that makes me the most worried about my kids is not that my parents or his parents or my wife's parents or our brothers and sisters aren't going to be involved in our kids lives of course they will it's that on top of losing their parents they wouldn't have a deep relationship with the person they're being dropped off to

and so we went with friends who we have a very close relationship here that my kids know they see they interact with on a regular basis. But if we had just started with who would have started with family, family, which one of the family? Well, I don't know about that brother. I don't know about that sister. We just started there. Right. Right. But by working through the, what do we want? We want our kids to have a relationship with one to be comfortable, wanted to be close when the same schools, Oh,

that's going to be here then. Right. And that changed the equation. Yeah. What's your husband's stranglehold on family? Has to be family. It, um, uh, I, he has definitely had situations where he's been burned by friends in the past and what he says um just repeatedly is the case for him is and he's like i don't care if it's

my family i don't care if it's your family like as long as it's family but he says no one will be as loyal as family okay i just can't trust anyone as's family, which I, you know, if we would go into the deep story, I have a very different perspective on that. Yeah. I can pull out evidence. Yeah. It's not logical. Yeah. And I asked him, I feel the same way you do about like, we just have to get someone on paper.

So we have to put someone we died today. Who do you want baby to go to? And he said his parents. i love his parents i'm actually like one of those really rare people that just super loves her mother-in-law but they're in their like mid to late 60s and i don't want my baby to go through losing his primary family not once but twice you know so have you told him that i feel like that's not a good yeah absolutely, absolutely. Okay. Mm-hmm. Yep. Here's another conversation to have. This is a conversation my wife and I have on an annual basis.

This does not have to be a one and done forever. Yeah. This can be, let's do one year. Mm-hmm. Let's do one year. And if it's that couple friend you're talking about that's got more in common culturally, financially, spiritually with you guys right now, it can be a matter of sitting down and letting him just go at them. We're picking you guys, if y'all will say yes. If you burn us, if you whatever.

And by the way, you can set stuff up in a trust to where it's pretty specific from when you die. Right. So you can still have some control over that. I started rattling all that off and my wife said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. If we're putting them down to take care of our kids and we don't trust them enough to need to buy, if they have to buy a car for them, like then we're not putting them down. Right. And I was like, oh yeah, you're right.

And that was just me trying to keep a bunch of control from the grave, right? Which is an anxiety response, but it's not really reality. Yeah. But I think giving yourselves the freedom to say, okay, every year we're going to revisit this. Every year we're going to revisit this. And maybe for you, okay, I'll put your mom and dad down this year. Next year, they're going to be one year older. Right? And then, and then, and then.

How's that sound? Yeah, it sounds good. And I will say, and what I tell him too, like, I agree. My ultimate goal would be family. We have between both of us, five unmarried younger brothers. And just knowing some of them have dated girls I haven't really liked in the past, I'm like, I think three of those five are fantastic options and we'll see how time goes, you know, and who they end up with and the careers they choose and, you know, what they make of themselves. So I think, yeah, taking it year to year definitely sounds like it could be. Hey, Tori, do you know what I am right now? What are you? I'm a YouTuber. If somebody had looked at my resume five years ago and said, we want Dr. Deloney. We want Dr. Deloney, the professor and Dr. Deloney, the dean of students to be the people who raise our kids. Yeah.

Now it would be Dr. Deloney, the coach and author and gardener, and Dr. Deloney, the YouTuber who's desperately trying to get into a punk band. Right? So, and I tell you, trying to predict what jobs people are going to have, what church building they're going to go to, that's just a fool's error. I think that's stability, though. I know. I get it. I get it.

I get it. Yeah. But it's also nobody's going to be the parent for your kids that you are. That's true. And some of it is leaving. I trust you guys. I'm going to detail what I can in a trust so my money goes X, Y, and Z. Here's my request for school and education and things like that. And then I just don't want to die and a lot of that angst comes on the back end of that yeah does that make sense it does by the way Tori you're not going to statistically speaking

you're good maybe if I stress about it more it won't happen right yeah exactly just get really wound stress about it more, it won't happen, right? Exactly. Just get really wound up about it all. It tends to solve problems. Here's what this means. This means that you love your little baby. And if you're like me,

I didn't know I had the capacity to love like this. And I didn't know what to do with it. And it made me angsty. Yeah. So I started playing whack-a-mole with every variable I could find. And that's not how love works. And it's the worst. I'm sorry.

Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm grateful for you. Thanks. Will you let me know how it goes? Yeah, absolutely. Hey, so we're thinking about, I proposed to our products team here. I want to create a product called Talkabouts or some kind of,

it's like questions for humans, except it's about important conversations, like making a will and so you're getting divorced, right? That'll walk you through some of these hard things. Oh, wow. Yeah. Would a deck of cards of who we're leaving our kid to, would that be helpful? Absolutely. Yes. I think I have all of your questions for humans, and we've gone through them only 27,000 times,

and I would definitely get on that if Dan were I can too. All right. I'm going to tell everybody that I did some market research with an N equals one, and we are definitely doing this moving forward. It's been an honor to talk to you again, Tori. I'm so glad that you reached back out. Try a couple of those things I suggested, but I think sitting down and saying, what? Let's do characteristics. Let's do ideals. And then maybe on the backside or another paper, put fears. What are the things that scare us the most? And my guess is for both of you, the ultimate fear is somebody else is raising this

little angel, this little amazing heartbeat of mine that's now out of my body in that crib over there. That's just something you got to grieve through and breathe through and you got to go make the next right call and give yourself some flexibility. Change it every year if you need to. Readdress it every year if you need to. Not a static one and done, but you gotta get somebody on paper ASAP. You're the best, Tori. I'm grateful for you. We'll be right back.

It's time to talk about Organifi. All right, here's one of my main life goals. I want to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible. I want to be that old semi balding guy in the back of the mosh pit. And I also want to be that old guy dancing with his beautiful wife into my 80s. And I want to be able to roll around with my grandkids and some WWE style wrestling match into my 90s. And that's why right now I exercise, I work on my friendships, and I try to eat and

drink things that only have safe, high quality, high integrity ingredients. And this is why I love Organifi. They're incredibly selective about what goes into their whole food blends. And Organifi gives you ingredients with integrity, plant-based, certified organic, vegan, dairy-free, soy-free, and glyphosate residue-free. By the way, that's a pesticide you don't want anywhere near you. And it's simple to get the health benefits with Organifi. You just mix with water or your favorite beverage and drink it down. You can take their green juice first thing in the morning to balance stress and get ready for your day. And you can take Organifi Red Juice in the afternoon or before a workout for natural sustained energy and endurance. And I love my happy drops every day for natural mood support with saffron extract. Go to Organifi.com slash

Deloney right now to save 20% off at checkout with code Deloney. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I.com slash DELONI and code DELONI for 20% off. All right, let's go out to the city of angels and talk to the great and powerful Fred. Hey, Fred. Hey, how you doing, doctor? What's up, brother? Thanks for taking a late notice call, man. What's up? No problem. Thank you. So I got an 11 year old daughter divorced with her mom. We do week on week off. I'm trying to figure out

she has an eating disorder the mom does. I'm trying to figure out how I can try to get her some help. She's fighting me help. She goes to counseling. She's had me help. She goes to counseling. She's had a, she's in AA right now

and she kind of is throwing everything on AA but her eating disorder she's had since she was like 14 and she, she refuses to say that that's what the problem is even though it shows

that that's still the more powerful issue of them all. Is she an AA for alcohol? Correct. Yeah. What else does she use? Oh,

that's it. Just alcohol and, and struggles with disordered eating with body image. Yes. Okay. How long? Eating disorder since she was like 14. She's 38 now. Yeah.

And, you know, the other thing is refusing to help that she's refusing to say that's the problem and trying to get to the bottom of it. You know, is it something I should address with my daughter? I want you to go sit down with a professional counselor who works with teen girls and have this conversation. Gotcha. Okay. There's going to be a very unique set of skills that somebody who works with teen girls who struggle with disordered eating

or who are in that environment, your ex or the mother of your daughter, sounds like she grew up in hell. Fair? Yeah. Yeah. And it sounds like she grew up in hell fair yeah yeah and it sounds like she's got a body that's just trying to fight to stay alive every day and alcohol seems to work and finding control over food and restriction seems to work and those are the two things that as a guy who is doing life with her you're watching it kill her too yeah Yeah, I mean, we're divorced right now. Yeah, but you're still doing life with her because you got a kid in the middle, right?

Of course, yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course, of course. And so you know as well as I do, you can't, there's nothing you can say. There's nothing you, like the energy you're expending, like she won't even admit it.

Yeah, she's real, real sick, man. Right? Yeah, no, she'll admit it. Yeah. She's real, real sick, man. Right. Yeah. No, she'll admit it, but she just refuses to say that's what causing her erratic behavior and, you know, her inability to cope with everyday situations that occur,

you know, where she just, she flips out, you know, and, um, is your daughter safe? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. She's safe. Okay. Is she asking questions about mom no no okay does she know that mom is sick she she knows that she goes to aa okay you know she knows that part of it she doesn't know the eating disorder part okay um but she knows she's aware of the aa but when i when i is some of your wife's internal dialogue becoming part of the dialogue that is translated to this 11-year-old girl? Does your daughter say things like, oh, I don't want to eat that, or oh, I don't look good in these pants, or I'm feeling bloated, or I'm too fat? Like, is she starting with that language?

None of the descriptive ones that you just mentioned on the later, but where she's not eating this and eating that, but it's kind of hard because she just had like this food, um, food poisoning about six months ago. And since then she's kind of been in fear of eating a lot of things, you know, she's sick after eating in and out and now she's just like anti in and out but she's anti like really she's she opens apart every piece of meat did you say she's anti in and out burger yeah oh get her into a hospital today i'm just kidding here's the truth um last i, it's been a minute. It's either number one or number two. Distorted eating is the most lethal mental health challenge.

Yeah. Right? I agree. I simply don't mess around with it. Yeah, okay. And I've worked with young women for most of my career who struggle. And I just don't mess around with it because it's too, you can do so much lasting damage in such a short period of time

and it's such a nightmare. You can quit drinking. You can stop being around alcohol. Yeah. No, I get it. You got to make peace with food, right? Yeah, she said it's not as easy as alcohol. And I 100% agree.

And you can't just stop eating, right? You got to make peace with it. It's a nightmare. And I told her, I And you can't just stop eating, right? You got to make peace with it. It's a nightmare. And I told her, I get you're in the worst area that you can be in as far as addiction. And I know it's not something simple like just staying away. And that's simple in itself. But you don't have that luxury of staying away. And I get that.

But she's just refusing to say that her battle with that is what's causing her behavior, you know, she'll blame it on money, she'll blame it on parents, she'll blame it on, you know, anything. Is there a chance she's, because you're describing a bunch of erratic behavior, is there a chance she's using something else? No, no, but she's on medication also, like, while Buterin and, like, three other ones, you know, and I'm trying to point out to her that she's been on that for two years and you're still where you're at and not helping, you know? So it's time for a change to try to find something else.

The problem is, is that she's not, I mean, y'all took a, y'all took a form of legal separation, right? And so your responsibility as a human is to love and care for our neighbors, right? So you care about her and you want her to be well. If for no other reason that if she's not well, then your daughter's not going to be okay, right? Yeah. But your immediate responsibility in this exact moment is to make sure my daughter's okay. Right.

And if she's absorbing the chaos, if she's absorbing the tension, if she's absorbing the chaos if she's absorbing the tension if she's absorbing the excuses and the this is how you control anxious feelings um and those are starting to become part of her nervous system man you got to get all over that asap yeah and so i would sit down with a professional somebody who can gently yet expertly navigate, hey, your mom is very, very sick. Your mom loves you and is a good mom, but she is really sick. So, yeah. So your recommendation is to open those doors to her verbally through help, obviously, to do that in here. Yeah, and the way, I don't know how it works in California, but my experience on the whole has been

you'll have an intake with a counselor or a therapist, and I would find one with an expertise in disordered eating with teen girls. And that's a hard group to work with, but man, those who do it, um, I've met a few, they're, they're amazing. They're amazing clinicians. And, um, let that during the intake, let the, let the therapist know, here's what's going on. Here's what mom is struggling with. And here's some behaviors I'm starting to see. And I'm starting to watch my

daughter walk down a path that i'm terrified as to where she goes and i need some i need some help and also y'all have to begin discussing she's 12 i mean 11 she's about to be 12 she's heading into her teen years she's gonna have to know the truth about mom in a way that is not disparaging and destructive because she still knows that half of her is that woman yeah right and so it's gonna be a delicate balance having a professional a neutral third party if this all goes south and she has to hate somebody I'd rather hate somebody you hired than you yeah and so this therapist job is to absorb some of that tension as the third party and say, here's the truth.

I'm going to speak. And then on the way home, your daughter gets to cry in your arms. See what I'm saying? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. But also, this is just above your pay grade. It's above my pay grade.

If this was my daughter, right now, with all my training, I would go see somebody ASAP. Gotcha. Understood. It's just, it's too lethal. I don't see somebody ASAP. Gotcha. Understood. It's just, it's too lethal. I don't mess around with it. But can I tell you this, brother? I'm proud of you for being a dad that loves his baby girl. Thank you. There's too many dads who

wouldn't step in in this moment. They would just piss and moan to their friends. And more daughters need more dads like you. I appreciate that. To the ends of the earth for our baby girls, right? Yeah, absolutely.

Alright. I'm in, you're in. Well, thank you. I appreciate your time and thank your staff for getting me on and getting some words of wisdom. I appreciate it. You got it, brother. Holler if I can ever help you guys with anything moving forward. Man, it was an honor to talk to you, man. It's an honor to talk to you.

I know it's a messy, messy, messy, challenging situation. I'm going to have so many thoughts here. I'm just going to, I'm going to keep it to myself. Hey, when we come back, by the way, I realized that was like in middle school. I know someone who likes you, but I'm not to keep it to myself. Hey, when we come back, um, I, by the way, I realized that was like in middle school. I know someone who likes you, but I'm not telling I get that. I just did that. So sorry about that. We come back. We're going to be talking a social media clip that may have gotten me in trouble again. We'll be right back.

Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back. So Kelly, what do I do now? All right. We're going to keep the daughter theme going, by the way. Oh, good. All right. Dads, your daughter is watching and absorbing every single thing you do. How you treat your wife and other women in your life will directly inform

your daughter about her own worth and value. You must do this one right. Treat every woman you meet with the utmost dignity and respect always. This begins with her mom. Yeah. Yeah, this is a post i wrote to myself about um i'll just say there was i was in my house doing something and i caught out of the corner of my eye josephine had was coloring and she had she listens to these books on tape incessantly uh books on tape because i'm a thousand years old she listens to like the library app or whatever listening to books and she had taken her headphones off and put her color on and she was just watching and it was this i could feel me being absorbed she was learning and it was a heavy moment she's gonna find out is dad safe or not by how I interact with the world.

She's also going to find out what does dad think of how he treats women? What does dad think of women globally? By how I honor the waitress, by how I say things in the car, like that woman's stupid or she just needs all of that goes into this build this this sidewalk that my daughter's going to walk in which says walk on which says women are worth what and she gets that from me lesson number one right and if i do this right then when some knuckleheaded guy when some politician when some something is said or spoken or put into the world, she's going to step back onto a firm foundation that I built that says, no, no, no, no. Here's what your, here's how your dad treated women, starting with the two most important women in

the world to him, your mom and you, and then his mom. And if my mom leaves and I'm like, oh, I'm so glad she's gone. I'm building, I'm building a world for Josephine to inhabit. And so it was just this moment of me reminding myself, dude, every word you say to your wife, to my wife, every conversation, every disagreement, that little girl's absorbing this and is deciding, her body's deciding, here's what you're worth, here's what you're worth, here's what you're worth, and just never underestimate that responsibility. My husband did this. This was never a discussion we had or anything.

And one time with our son, he said something to me, mouthed off. I don't remember exactly what it was. And he said, my husband turned around and he said, you don't get to speak to my wife that way. Oh, yeah. I've had that conversation. And I was just like, I mean. I love you.

Yeah. And I've also heard him say whenever my son was, either one of my kids had mouthed off to my mother-in-law, who was a saint, Robert would also tell him, you don't talk to my mama that way. Yeah. And he was very clear about you don't talk to my mama that way. And he was very clear about, this is my wife and my mother and you don't get to disrespect her that way.

Right. And I loved that. Yeah. And it was something that, I mean, I was like, I don't know where that came from, but do that. Yeah, it's just fantastic

because it teaches them right then and there, this is not just your mom or your grandma and you're not going to speak to them this way. Yeah. Because I won't allow it because I honor them. It's fantastic. And it also contextualizes like, oh, that woman over there,

that girl that I want to hook up with, that we took a call on a previous show, like those porn stars that are in your husband's phone next to the pictures of your daughter, that's somebody's sister. That's somebody your daughter, that's somebody's sister. That's somebody's mom. That's somebody's wife. And there's this reverence about that

that I need her to experience. Not just hear me run my mouth and not just buy her flowers on Valentine's Day. It's bigger than that, right? But all of it starts with how I treat her mom, my wife. And I want her first impulse to be when the first time a guy treats her bad, which I can get choked up real quick, it's going to happen. I want her first impulse to be, that's not right because I've seen it done right. I've felt it done right and that's not right.

And that's what I want her to know. I had that example growing up because my dad treated my mom fantastic and I watched them flirt and play. Oh, crap. I'm getting all choked up. And so, but I knew that growing up that I was not going to put up with anything. I didn't have to. Yeah. And so that makes a difference. Yeah, it does make a difference. Just so you know what you're doing works because I've grown up that knowing that way that I'm not putting up with that. Yeah. I don't have to.

I'm worth a whole lot more than that. Maybe she'll become a famous YouTube producer and not take any crap off. Oh, wait. Hold on. Not take any crap off. There we go, America. As the great John Mayer says,

fathers be good to your daughters. I don't remember the rest of that song. I just remember he says that. Because daughters will love like you do. Is that right? Daughters grow up to be mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters too. What a song that is. John Mayer, dude. He does everything that I would like to do just

a thousand times better. I'm glad I'm alive in the era when he's alive too. Love you guys. Stay in school. Bye.