The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Disgusts Me

Episode Date: July 6, 2026

On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife whose husband won’t address his bad hygiene A husband whose wife feels unseen and unheard A mom pondering what to do about her daughter’s girlfriend   Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Go to Joi + Blokes and get 50% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

He will go days without showering. He won't always brush his teeth, won't wash his hands. I catch him wearing the same boxers for a couple of days in a row. Our sex life is non-existent. If it does exist, it's because he showers that day. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Commenty from Nashville, Tennessee.

Taking your calls. Real people going through real challenges in their marriages, in their mental and emotional health, in their lives, struggling with addiction, trying to love people well. I'm glad that you're here. If you want to be on the show, I would love to have you,

click the link in the show notes, and it will send you to Kelly, and she will get you on the show. She actually links her personal cell phone number in. She doesn't. No, that doesn't happen. You know what? I don't even give you my personal cell phone number.

That would be a great auction. No, thank you. Yes. If you ever mean to me, I'm, that would be so good. great. Don't forget, I have yours as well. Mine's not real. Both of them. One of them is real. One of them is not. Dude, what a game of, what a game of mutually assured destruction we could play. How about we just both not? All right, let's go to Biloxi and talk to Liz. Hey, Liz, what's up?

Hi, how are you? I'm doing all right. How about you? Okay. Awesome. Well, thanks for calling. What's up? Um, so, um, my husband and I have been together about 10 years, married since 18 and as much as I love him and everything like that. His hygiene is awful. Oh, man. Like, hygiene can mean a lot of things, but it sounds like it's taken, it's just ground you down to the point where you're like, it's awful. What do you mean when you say the hygiene is bad? He will go days without showering.

He won't always brush his teeth, won't wash his hands. And I catch him wearing the same boxers for a couple of days in a row. And you're in Mississippi. It's not like... It's hot. He doesn't... Yeah. I mean, if you walk outside to get the mail, you need to take a shower.

Yeah. Wow. So how can I help? I hate this for you. I don't know. I have tried a gentle approach. I have asked him why, and I never get a response. I have even gone as far as asking, because as a teenager, he played sports.

And I asked if, like, he was maybe assaulted by a coach back in the day. he told me no. His mom has also said that his hygiene as a teenager was bad. So it's not like it just developed. Okay. I don't know. Does he have any diagnosable mental health issues? I'm not talking about just emotional, but part of my job over the years has been to sit down,

especially in educational settings with college students, sometimes graduate students and say, hey, like your hygiene, we got to work on this. And that's always an awkward, hard conversation, but I've had to do it a number of times. But almost always there was a surrounding issue, right, with mental or emotional health challenges. Is he struggling with anything like that?

Or is he just literally not care? Nothing diagnosed when I say he's depressed. He won't get help for that. But, yeah. You all have kids? We have a four-year-old. Four-year-old. Is this getting passed on to your four-year-old?

I notice, like, he's not getting his teeth. So I work early, and I know that he's not always brushing his teeth before going off to daycare. Is your husband work? He does. He's a great provider, hard worker. So, you know, I tried to look at his wonderful qualities. But this is affecting our sex life. Of course.

It can't be spontaneous. I've suffered with UTIs throughout the years, and I've tried to talk to him about that. And now it's just like our sex life is non-existent. Or if it does exist, it's because he showers that day. So the hard part for me here is he's not on the phone, you are. And so I guess what I want to ask you is, with your limited scope of what you can do, what do you want to do next?

And here's like a broad array of things. If you If you If if if if you And I'm gonna be ridiculous for a second Okay But just go with me If you put a

Pair of clean underwear on his bed In the morning And say you have to put this on And you got to go shower Will he do that or no Will he just walk right past you? No He'll probably walk right past me

He does what he wants Okay Where else does he completely disregard What you want Or what you need In your relationship in your home? Again, he's a wonderful provider.

Hold on. I know a lot of men. You make a lot of money who are not people I would want my daughter around. I mean, I don't ask him to do much for me. He's, I mean, he does the dishes, he does laundry, you know. So he takes.

the burdens off of my life. But... When you say he's a good provider, what does that mean? He brings home. I mean, I work too, but he pays bills. He will go grocery shopping. He will do the laundry. He will do the dishes. I don't ever have to ask him to do that stuff. But if there is something that I do need help with,

If I ask him, it won't be done right away. Or I just don't ask. Sounds like you're kind of living in his world. Yeah. And what I... I don't make plans because I don't want to take away from the stuff that he needs to do. Is not much of a marriage? No, it's definitely more of a roommate situation.

Yeah, but it's a roommate situation where you're living in somebody else's house. Right? It's not like two roommates went and got an apartment together. It's like he has a house and you live in it. Mm-hmm. And you have no rights. You have no, you have no relationship there. He comes and goes and does what he pleases, doesn't shower, doesn't bathe.

Are you safe? Yes. Oh, yes. Yes. Okay. There's no question about my safety. Okay. So I guess you have to ask yourself what kind of world do you want to live in?

Do you want more for you and your kid than this? I can't see myself waking up without my child and my home. I don't want split custody. Okay. It's not one of those things where, like, my son has a great household. He has a great. childhood. I'm telling you right now he doesn't. He does. The single greatest predictor of your kid's future success is that his parents have a great relationship together. It's not horrible.

Let me, let me back out and let me ask this. Is the way your husband treats you and disregard you? Where are ways you are becoming somebody you never thought you would be? I want someone else That looks at me and tells me I'm pretty And wants to touch me Wants to hold my hand Wants to hug me Okay

Can I tell you that's not crazy Liz I mean I know it's not crazy And so the question you have to ask yourself And I can't answer it for you is Are you going to settle for that For not having that For this Is there a way I can help

him to build our marriage, to get him help to build my marriage. Our marriage. I mean, it sounds like, I don't know how direct you've been with some of these conversations. I have. Okay. And does he just blow you off? He never has a reason. I've cried to him.

I've said, like, I've asked him to shower. I've asked him how many days it's been since he's showered. and sometimes he doesn't even know the answer. Yeah, but that, I mean, that's a huge deal. Hygiene's a huge deal. No wife should have to tell their husband. I mean, on occasion, yes, fine. But no wife should have to regular.

I mean, you're talking, like, that's how you talk to a four-year-old. Or a 12-year-old, right? A 12-year-old boy, you say, hey, did you shower today? And they're like, oh, come on, mom. And then they come out of the bathroom. And you're like, is that the same underwear? and they're like, come on, mom, or come on, dad. Like, that's a 12-year-old.

But that is the tip of the iceberg as far as I'm concerned, because underneath it, you have a marriage where your spouse doesn't look at you, doesn't touch you, doesn't care about you, where you can't ask things, you can't do things. You get what I'm saying? And so the first thing you have to do is to reckon, I don't know there could be any number of reasons, and it would take us a couple hours to probably dig through them,

but in the same way you're telling me these things, these are all real, these are all heavy, hard things. And you wallpaper over all of that with this story that everything in your home is great. And it's not. And your son is absorbing all of this. And in a way, not in a way,

and with a ringside seat, he's absorbing what being a husband, and a father looks like in real time. I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Yeah. And this wife of mine is an accessory to the life I want to live. It's not us co-creating and building a thing. And so until you allow that wallpaper to fall off

and you sit in the reality that is your home, because what I don't want you to do is to start to become a person you never thought you would be. Never thought you'd be a person who's bitter and resentful in your own house, where coming home was not your safe place, where your husband wouldn't look at you until you're pretty and want to hold your hand.

My gosh, if the barrier at first acts is a shower, my gosh, there would be millions of men running to the shower, right? And that's what I don't understand. Right. And so, but the next layer here is, I don't want you stepping out on your marriage because then you're going to add a layer of, oh my gosh now I've become somebody that I never thought I would be I've become somebody I don't

respect anymore yeah and so I want you to put everything out on the table and if he looks at you I mean I haven't seen it work other than to say here's the truth I'm about to leave or I feel unloved in my own house and if if shower becomes the proxy war then he's going to say I don't have to shower I'm but underneath all of that if he's He's as good a guy as you says he is in, quote unquote, providing. He needs to provide a space where his wife feels loved. Providing is way more than just a dollar amount. I get it.

And if you don't want to do that, if the thought of, I'm worth more than this, let me put another way, my husband's left me, he just lives in the house. Fidelity is not just not having sex with somebody. Fidelity is, I'm all in and you're all in. and he's not. He lives his own life. Honestly, the biggest thing that keeps me here is the fact that it's just financially, it's so hard to live on your own these days.

It is. It is. It's brutal. And women who leave abusive relationships, women who leave relationships where their spouse isn't a person of fidelity, the data tells me that they often bear the brain. especially in the short term. And I don't have a support system down here. Yeah.

Do you have some girlfriends you can talk to? Or do you have nobody? Not really. Okay. The next right step for you, I think, is someone to walk alongside you and help clear the cobwebs. I'm going to, and at least give you some clarity on what my options are, what your options are.

Because right now it feels like you're hemmed in, right? Yeah. And I honor that. Like you sound hemmed in, but I believe there's always a path, multiple paths out of a situation. None of those paths are easy. I'm going to hook you up with three months for free with my friends at BetterHelp, okay, and get you a licensed counselor that you can talk to on your phone that you can talk to with your laptop. And you can talk to them in the parking lot of Walmart, okay?

You can FaceTime with them. But I want you to talk to a licensed professional wherever you happen to be. You know, they'll cover it for three months, okay? Okay, thank you. But I want you to talk to somebody because you're not as trapped as you feel, but I can tell by talking to you, this has been going on a long time, and 10 minutes with me isn't going to free you from that. I just want you to hear me say, you're worth more than this life.

Thank you. Okay. I shouldn't have to say this like I'm going to say it, but I will anyway. You're worth freaking showering for. I thought so You're worth getting dolled up and going out Providing is not just a big muscle and cash It is providing a space for a wife to feel

Insanely prized and loved Thank you Call me anytime, okay? Okay, thanks Hang on the line here, we'll get you hooked up with better help We come back, a man asks how to want to become a better husband When his wife feels like he checked out years ago We'll be right back.

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Go to Capstonewellness.com slash Deloney and click on Vine and Root to learn more. That's Capstone Wellness.com slash Deloni. All right, let's go to Glenn Mills, Pennsylvania, and talk to Ray. What's up, Ray? Dr. John, how you doing? I'm good, brother. How are you? I'm doing pretty good. What's going on, man?

Well, you know what? I think this is kind of a divine timing here. Listening to the last call, kind of put things into perspective for part of the reason why I'm calling today. And I'm sick and tired of perpetuating the same cycle over and over again here. Well, dude, I'm glad you called, man. I'm glad you called. What's up? So my wife and I have been married.

We just had four years, six years, six years together total. And there's been a lot of the same problems come up where she feels like, I guess, for lack of a better phrasing, she's like, you're checked out. You don't want to be married. You don't love me. You resent me. Is she right? to which, like, I mean, like, it wasn't, it wasn't like that the entire time. Like, we, we had it, we had a great relationship.

Hold on. Answer my original question. Is she right? Have you checked out? Yeah. Okay. I have. Tell me about it.

Yeah, she's entirely right. Tell me about that. So there was a situation that happened that she, that she always puts, like, to use your word, it's a GPS pen. And back in, when we first started dating, maybe a few months in, my sister got a divorce. She left an abusive situation. She had a spare room in her apartment and we talked about it. We invited my sister in and we thought, okay, we're going to give her some space, let her kind of get back on her feet. And sign a lease. She did the whole, like the legal paperwork and all that.

And it turned into an absolute nightmare. During that time, we didn't think to consider like the trauma that she was going through because we had no idea the extent of it. And she was like, basically being like the worst roommate possible. Cleanliness, there was boys over, constantly rules breaking. We asked her to take care of her dog while we went out on vacation that was already pre-planned and she completely neglected. And just overall just being like a very negative person to be around. And so being that she was my sister, I was put in the middle of this and having to be like the liaison

between my wife and my sister about like what's going. on how to move forward, the expectations and all that. And my wife is very outspoken. And she will very clearly speak her mind. And so it was a lot of, it felt like a barrage, just like a, like, oh, what now type of deal. And as a result of that, we're starting to think that I've been holding on to that, even though my sister's in a better place now, she's remarried, she's in a much better

state of health and um like these problems have been haven't been resolved or at least like the feelings of resentment or i guess like contempt i don't know if i'd go that far but that that comes to mind um of so like well why are we still complaining like it feels like we're still back in that same position we were years ago and um i feel like that carries on in how i look at her how I want to how I want to treat her and like I've become very dismissive of whatever she has to bring up

especially if it has anything to do with me directly she's claiming where I've been very defensive and if anything gets said to me about even something as simple as hey I saw you did this can we do this in the future it turns into this big old thing and once we start getting heated and started getting elevated

and started getting elevated in conversation and arguments, then she recognizes where she's at her limit for conversation. She has her boundaries, and I just barrel right through them. And we talk about it later. I realize, hey, you know what, you're right. I shouldn't have done this. And then it happens over and over and over again. Do you want to break the cycle?

You want to stay married or no? No, I do. Absolutely, I do. Okay. So all of this will start with you saying, I still want to be married to this woman. You're in? I'm 100% in.

Okay. Does she still want to be married to you? She does. Okay. She has told this to me. Okay. So if one person in a relationship changes, the relationship changes. And so you called me, and so I want you to have the courage to say, I'm going to make the first step.

I'm going to make the first change. Are you in? I'm in. Okay. So the process here is relatively. relatively straightforward, and dare I say simple, it's really hard to do. It's hard to check yourself and it's hard to break out of a relational pattern. This is me explaining in real time what I mean by, I always say someone's got to stop the music and turn the lights on.

This is that moment, but I'll walk you through how to do it, okay? But it only works if you're 100% and want to stay married. If you want to, you could back out of this thing 30,000 feet and have this perspective. We first got married after knowing each other for a couple of years. And then we did a really hard thing. We invited a woman who'd been abused that happened to be my sister into a legally binding contract into our home. And it went real bad. And we learned that we've got some things we need to do to practice for our communication.

We learned that, man, if we ever invite somebody else in who's hurting, we need to ask more questions. We need to have stronger boundaries. you may have learned, I have to practice stepping up and defending my wife because she is my number one because I married her sometimes in between her and my family.

Your wife may learn, like just berating and beating up my husband does nothing except hurt him. Right? So if you look at this as a set of skills, like y'all joined a basketball league and you both suck to basketball, instead of she's terrible,

he's a loser, he loves his sister, more than me. My wife, you see what I'm saying? You can moralize this and put character assassinations all over this thing, or you can just say, man, we tried a hard thing when we first got married and we were terrible at it. And one of those, viewing it one way takes all the pressure off of it and really points out, highlight some skills we need to work on so that we can continue to come back together. The other one is a constant way for each one of us to feel powerful in a situation in a marriage where we both feel powerless.

One of these paths will end your marriage. One of these paths will make your marriage stronger than you ever thought possible. But that's going to be you letting go, opening your hands up. And hope to God she does the same. And so if you're willing to take that frame on it, I'll give you a very simple yet complicated,

I mean, a very simple yet hard path to walk. Are you in? I'm in. Okay. Because I want you to do. I want you to do, schedule three hours at a breakfast place this weekend or next weekend, depending on what your schedules are. Do you all have kids yet? Yeah, we're actually in the process of adopting a newborn.

Amazing. Amazing. So this is the most important thing you can do because you don't want to bring a brand new baby into this kind of like communication, conflict, chaos, right? Agreed. And I've been listening to a show a long time and I hear and I'm seeing that like the kids absorb the tension and the last argument that we had actually ended up turning out to be a pretty bad one where she's like

threw all her clothing out of the closet and she's like I'm done this and that and I'm over there. I'm looking at my son he's six months now and I stopped stopped in my tracks and like she let her just kind of go through whatever she was

whatever she needed to get out. And we were done for the day. We went our separate ways, like, figuratively speaking. And then I remember thinking the entire day, I'm like, he doesn't deserve to feel this. I know, but listen, you don't either. And she doesn't either.

You can't make these, a kid may be the impetus for change, but you can't make the change because of the kid. The kid can't bear the weight of that adult relationship transaction, transformation. you have to say I'm worth more than this and she, my wife is too and the kid will be the beneficiary of this

no question about it but so will y'all too but you have to decide I'm worth living in a marriage where I cannot wait to get home just so I can drop my shoulders and your wife has to say I can't wait to get home because I got a guy at home who loves me to the end of time and together we created this world where we brought we went and picked a kid and said we choose you

to come live in our home with us. That's amazing, right? Actually, we were picked. I mean, even more amazing. Somebody looked at you and said, we pick you to raise our flesh and blood. Amazing. So here's what I want you to do.

I want you to clear the deck and I want you to sit down with your wife and whether you feel this is justified, whatever, I want you to go first. And I want you to say, I love you. and over the last three or four years, ever since my sister moved in with us, moved out,

I've not been the man that I want to be. I'm sorry. I've made up several stories about you, about us, and I want to share them with you, and I want to tell you about the stories I've made up and how they make me feel. And more importantly, here's what I want to do next. And I want you to be honest.

I've made up a story that you think that I'm fill in the blank. I've made up a story that you're volatile and that you are outspoken and you beat me up all the time because you think it makes you feel powerful. I don't know if that's true. I just made that up. And then that makes me feel angry and resentful.

And then I try to defend myself and we get in this loop. I don't want to be in this loop anymore. And then I want you to ask her, are there stories about me you've made up? I'm here and I'll listen to them and I won't fight you back. I won't respond because I want to connect with you.

And you'll have to take all of these, like just imagine you and her carrying these Home Depot buckets full of just bricks. because y'all been carrying them around for years. Don't pull them all out on the table. With the understanding, I want to be married to you and I want to build a new marriage.

And here's the thing. We get to decide what kind of marriage we build. And the final step of this process is you say, here's what I want, here's what makes me feel loved, here's how you can connect with me, and I really wanted to get to know you and celebrate you.

How can I love you better? And here's the thing. This is a super vulnerable exercise because she may come at you like guns of blazing, but at least you'll know because what's the other alternative? You're just going to keep doing this?

She won't let that happen. If honestly, I don't if I don't make a change soon and like keep it, I don't think she'll allow the marriage to continue. Okay. Then use her language and give her a gift and say, I've checked out and this is me checking back in 100%.

I love you too much. And I would frame it up. I want to say some things first and then have you come back and respond, but if you'll allow me, I want to say these things first. And just go first, man. Because my guess is both of y'all have co-created this. She responds over the top. You get mad, defend yourself, and then you barrel through her what she wants and needs, and then she responds over the top. And it's just this loop-de-loop, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's about how it happens.

Yeah, every time the intensity only increases, the more it happens over the years. Okay. And where you'll land is, you're still going to have disagreements. You're still going to have, like, conflict. That's part of life. That means something matters. Conflict is the path to connection, man. But you'll learn because you know each other and you see each other well. I know that when my wife and I are in like in a big conflict, I will say, hey, I want to talk about this big thing. I need to talk about it within the next, I want to talk about it within the next 24 hours. Will you let me know what a good time for you is? My wife's like, yeah, I will. And sometimes she'll say, let's go right now. And then sometimes she'll say, let's talk tomorrow morning. Right? We're still going to have the conflict, but she can prepare herself. I'm not just coming in here, guns ablazing.

I'm not over-emotional like I tend to get, right? So it's just you get to know each other. And she might sit down and say, hey, we need to have a big conversation. Can we talk about this? And I can say, yeah, I need an hour. Give me one hour to get my head in the right place. You get what I'm saying? Because now we're going to actually try to solve a problem.

We're not just going to blow up on each other and try to have some cathartic moment and then just limp along to the next part of our day because we're both worth more than that. I feel that. Like, it's... I've heard you say plenty of times,

like getting back to the way things were, like that doesn't work. Yeah. You have a new marriage. You can't go back to before your sister lived with you and you felt attacked by your wife and you felt embarrassed that your sister was blown up

and then you felt ashamed because you finally started to realize what had happened to your sister. Like all that stuff, right? You can't go. back before that but you can move forward and say from this point forward I choose you of all my family members over everybody because you're my wife and then I got to do whatever whatever I need to do to honor that right and the best the best way forward is to ask her for a path how can I

love you today and this is not going to be you're going to leave this breakfast together hopefully you'll spend two or three hours and you all get frustrated and there's some tears shed and you'll laugh cry together and then you'll have some sort of a of a in-pencil plan how can i love you and both of you are going to have to decide we're going to give each other grace because we're practicing a new way of doing this relationship that we've gotten in a really rutted dance with it's going to take time it's okay and you leave that with the signal wink at me um stick your tongue out at me will you come up with a thing so that if i blow it if you see me heading down a path you can catch me because you know i'm on your team you all have to get used to

saying, hey, I said that wrong. Can I say that again? And the other person exhale and say, yeah, go ahead. It won't take the sting out of what was said, but it will be a bid to come back together and you accept each other's bids. Like, this is a choice, man. Hang on the line here. I'm going to send you the Together app. And I don't want you introducing this until after you have this clear the deck, we want to build a new marriage. And by the way, y'all have a reason to build this thing now, one for y'all and two, because another family is handing you their baby. And you all are doing an amazing thing by going through the adoption process, taking a child. That's awesome, amazing, wonderful, the best, the best, the best. But you've got a reason to reset.

The marriage you had is over. Let's build something new. And that starts with you going first and saying, I'm sorry. You're right. You've told me I'm checked out. And I did some soul searching and you're right. And this is me checking back in 1,000%. I'm going to be honest, I don't fully know how to do that so I'm going to ask you every day how can I love you this is not going to be fixed in some big fireworks show it's going to be decision by decision day by day and sometimes you're going to have to swallow your pride swell your frustration swallow your ego and then just go do the dishes go do the next right thing it's going to be you choosing to put a note on your windshield or on your on your steering wheel so when you pull into your driveway there's a little note that says put your phone

away and walk in the door and hug your wife and find one thing to do to help around the house these are tiny little things you're going to do. They're all choices. And she's going to have to do the same. I'm in the middle of a thing. My husband just drove up. I'm going to put this thing down for a second, and we're just going to hug when he walks in the door.

I'm worth that. He's worth that. Or whatever the thing is. You know what I'm talking about. You get to choose, man. Both of you all get to choose. Do you want to keep doing what we're doing? We want to split this thing up

or do we want to build a brand new marriage? I've got all the hope in the world for you all. But let's set down those bricks that we've been caring about what happened when this thing first started. Let's set down these, bricks of resentment and let's go till some new soil and build something amazing. Thanks to the call, brother. We come back. A woman asks how to support her daughter while holding to her beliefs and her

boundaries. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney for Hallow. Listen, what could you accomplish in 90 days? You could get in shape. You can start losing weight. You could change your marriage. You can play games with your kids and change your relationship with him. You can do so much in 90 days. and that's why I want you to try Hallow for free for 90 days. Hollow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world, and I think it's one of the most important things I do to start every day of my life. Anchoring myself in my faith helps me slow down and prioritize what actually matters before the whole day grabs me and swallows me up.

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All right, let's go out to Houston, Texas, home of the stroes. I'm ride or die, dude. If they're not having a great year, I'm still Team Stros. Only thing that matters is we are one place above y'all right now as the Rangers. That's literally, we're both awful. I mean, we're in last place, aren't we? No, you're in fourth of five. Oh, okay.

So you're telling me there's a chance. We're both awful, but we are one place, like literally one win above y'all. Just wait. Just wait. All right, let's go out to Houston and talk to Emily. Hey, Emily, what's up? Hi, thank you for taking my call. Of course.

What's going on? So I recently found out that my daughter, we've been letting her friend come over and sleep over and letting her go to her friend's house. Okay. How old is your daughter? And I, she's 15. 15, okay. Yeah. And I recently found out that they are dating.

So I'm just, I'm trying to figure out, um, my husband and I are Christians, and that's how we're trying to raise our kids. And I'm trying to figure out how, how to talk to her about it, like what, what boundaries to set and also how to talk to the other girls' parents about it or if I should. Mm, okay. How did you find out they were dating? Um, my daughter got her phone taken up a while ago, so she was texting her, her friend or, I guess, girlfriend on my phone. And, uh, she just forgot to delete the messages. So I, I read them and I found out, uh, that way.

So I want to say good for you for being a parent that checks on the text messages of their kid. I, I applaud you for that. Thank you because I was kind of feeling bad for it. No, you're a parent. Okay. You're a parent. And we've handed these kids, these magic wands. We've, like, as my buddy Sean, Ryan says, we're not going to be. giving our kids access to the world. We're giving the world access to our kids. And so if parents are

going to hand their kids' smartphones, they better be on the alert and going through those things. There's a couple of layers here, okay? So often things like this get really big and it feels like everything all at once. And so what I want to do is pull it apart a little bit, okay? Okay. Thing number one is they're dating. Okay. So let's put that in its own category here. We'll put your moral beliefs and your convictions and your faith, all that stuff. We'll put that in a separate bucket for a second, okay? Okay.

Bucket number one, in no way in a million years would you let your 15-year-old daughter if she had a boyfriend spend the night, come over, go on dates, whatever. Right. Right? So that world ends immediately because you're a caring, wise parent. Okay. Yeah, we put a stop to the sleepovers immediately. Yeah, but I want her to know, the sleepovers are not ending because you're gay. The sleepovers are ending because you're dating somebody, and I wouldn't let you have any

partner over here. You get what I'm saying? And so that, again, you're asking a 15-year-old to get the nuance here. They're not going to, but I want you to be super clear as you're laying this out, okay? Okay. And if you and your husband already had dating rules and regulations and age limits and whatever y'all's regulations are, some people let their 14-year-olds go on date. Some people say you can't date until you're 16. Some people say you can't date till you leave my house or whatever. Every parent's going to do their own thing, but I want you all to be clear about here's our rules for dating, period. Okay. And if you're telling me this is your girlfriend, then those rules apply. Then we get to the faith part of this. And anytime somebody lays down, here's what we believe, and here's what our boundaries are going to be. Every belief and every boundary comes with what I, I mean, it sounds negative.

It doesn't have to be negative, but they always come with consequences. Okay. And so what I don't want, I can tell you on the other side of this conversation, I cannot count the number of conversations I've had because I spent several years at, multiple faith-based universities in addition to public universities. The number of parents who have come to me and said, I would do anything to have that first conversation back because I didn't just give them my opinion on their sexuality, I lost my kid.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, we haven't talked to her yet because I was waiting until I talked to you actually. Yeah, yeah. So I think it's hard for a 15-year-old to parse this, especially with the messaging they're getting from all over the plane. planet. But the first and most important thing I would tell any parent in any hard situation, any situation where they find their kid, their teenager is doing something that they don't agree with is to say, you are my daughter, and I will love you till the end of time, period.

Okay. You will always, that front door will always be open to you. And I would even go one step further. I'll tell you the things I tell my kids, there's not a thing you can do that I won't love you and that I won't storm the gates of hell to come get you. Okay. Now, my 16-year-old's driving. He's out and about. He's a way better driver than me.

He's more responsible. Right? But I've told him, hey, if you, like, you're now out in the world, man. You're moving out in the world with adults, wild teenage drivers, everything. If you do something that violates the law, I'll hold your hand. I will sit right next to you in court, but I can't protect you from everything now.

Like you're entering into a new world, right? Right. And so it's like I can't, but I want my son to know there's not a thing that you can do on this planet that I won't still love you. I can't protect you from everything, but my God, I love you.

And then we're going to get into the values conversations. here's what we believe because we're of this particular faith and we're of this particular belief about this thing we don't agree with it we think it's wrong we think it's a sin whatever you want to say about it and then you can go one step further and say while you're in our house here's going to be our rules and regulations about it that that's really helpful that's kind of what I was wondering like I don't want to force my kid to be a Christian you know like I don't if she wants if she wants to be I want it to be of her choice.

And so I just don't want to shove this stuff down her throat, but then we have three other kids that we're raising also, and they're watching everything. And they had already kind of noticed, like, the closeness between her and her friend and kind of, like, pointed it out. And so I want to make sure that we're, you know, so you think it's okay, like, for us to be sticking to our values, I guess, while she's in our house.

Like, that's... I take a hard line that I, I will not get between people and their values. Okay. I don't have to agree with your values, and you don't have to agree with mine. But what I want, the thing I want people to do is to,

if you're going to own a value, you got to own it, you got to drive right it to the bottom of the ocean. And so if this is a value to you, let's take her, let's take her being gay off the table for a second, okay? Let's take something like smoking. Okay.

you can sit down and say you like we think smoking's bad for you we think it's wrong and you keep going step further we think um i've heard this this used before we're people of faith and we believe that the scripture says the body is a temple and we think smoking is destructive of that temple so we think it's wrong and you can't do it okay okay your kid can look at you and say the second i can't and walk out of this door, I'm walking and I'm never coming back. Okay? Yeah. And so, because at some point they become an adult. And my hope is the love that y'all have for her, the safety you have for her, the welcoming hospitality you have for her, and you holding the line on your values that over time, I don't expect a 15-year-old to metabolize that. But over time,

she's going to know they disagree with, I disagree with them big time on this thing, whatever this thing happens to be, but I can't argue with the fact that my parents love me. Okay. And I've talked to a number of gay young adults who have told me, no, my parents, they think what I'm doing is wrong,

they think what I'm doing is, but man, I got good parents. Okay, that's kind of where I'm trying to, I don't want her to feel like I'm rejecting her for who she is. Like, I don't know if this is just a phase or she's going to grow out of it or if it's going to be like a long-term thing. I wouldn't spend one second worrying about that. I would spend every ounce of energy I've loving my kid. Okay.

And loving your kid does not mean whether they're straight, it doesn't mean you love every decision they make. Right. It doesn't mean that you protect them from every consequence of every decision they make. It just means like not just in one big, big, big. conversation, but in word and deed, you know I love you. You're always welcome here. Okay. Right? So us sitting down and saying you may not date your girl while you live in our house is okay. That's for y'all to ride or die on. Okay. That's for you to write or die on. Um, I would not start the conversation like that. Start with all the love and like, like I would, yeah, yeah. Um,

Because here's where any of us would go with that. Oh, so I have to be alone. I can't feel connection. You're one of those people who hates first. Are you get what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. And so sitting down with somebody and saying, I understand that my values, because you live in my house,

are going to cost you this and this and this. Again, sexuality is so charged. I want to take it away from that. I've had multiple conversations. with my son over the years, telling him I know that my stance, that I've made public because of my job, I know that my stance on technology costs you friends. I know that. And I'm sorry. Okay. I hate this for you. I hate it. But I believe in this moment in history, in this moment in time, I'm doing what's best for you. Okay. That's super helpful to like take it away from the whole sexual

conversation and think of it that way. Yeah. And I have different opinions and different beliefs on this than the number of my friends. And I've tried to do my outside of abuse and a couple of big things. I've tried really hard on the show. I want to show up here as a good coach would

and say, I want you to own your choices. Okay. Yeah, if you sit down and say, you will never date a woman in my house, a girl in my house. Like, that's not who we are. I'm telling you right now, I've sat with that child forever. I mean, for 20 years, and you will have severed your connection with your child. So, okay, so, um, okay, so we need to kind of decide if we want to say that or if we want to say, like, if you're, is someone you're dating?

Because, I mean, because she kept it a secret, now we feel like we can't let any girls stay the night because we don't know. we're kind of like going to do away with the sleepovers. I think that's just a wise thing to do. Yeah. I mean, not because of sexuality, just teenagers sleeping over. That's just a recipe for getting in trouble. And how do I know that? Right.

Because I was a teenager that went to a lot of sleepover. Like, I just know that. Yeah. You know what I mean? Okay. So we, I guess my husband and I need to decide if that we want to draw that hard line or if we just want to say like you want to date a girlfriend, but she can't sleep over. Well, that's a no-brainer, right?

Because you wouldn't let her date boys and sleep over. Right, exactly. I'm saying if you're going to get to the place where you say, as for me and your husband, as for our house, you're not going to go on dates with other girls, other young women. If y'all are going to get to that, if that's your line, then let that be your line. But God Almighty, you better double and triple and quadruple down on your daughter and we'll love you to the end of time. And we know that this is going to be painful for you, for us, and we will sit with you through this discomfort. Yeah.

The hard thing is, like, we don't really necessarily know. So it's like, because I was telling my husband, we still have to let her have friends. Like, but we're not going to know, like, which ones of them she's dating because she just hides everything from us. Well, and so. But some hiding from teenagers is normal. They're trying to, they slowly develop their autonomy.

That's part of the process. Okay. And so it's developmentally appropriate to say it like a nerd would say it. And the less anchored or safe is a dramatic word. I don't mean safe from getting hit or getting fed. I mean safe like you're allowed to have your own opinions in my house. And we have healthy debate and we have a lot of laughter in this house. And we have a lot of shared, we do hard things together as a family.

Kids who feel that feel less need to hide stuff. Okay. And so I want you and your husband to take. some reflective time and say, have we created a world where our teenager knows, um, uh, we are hardliners and we don't, we don't, we don't love, we don't answer the question. We, we just say, no, get away. And that's who we are. Or is some of this secrecy because she knew my mom and dad are going to judge me on this thing and they're not going to hear me out. They're not going to be connected to me. It might cost me my relationship with them. Wow. The number of

young people I've talked to over the years. Can I tell you what their biggest, this is what they've reported to me, right? The number of kids, I would say young adults, 18 to 25, 18 to 30, young adults, can I tell you what their biggest fear is, was coming out to their parents? Like, you won't love me. Yeah. I can't have Thanksgiving at your home anymore. No, we'll never, you get what I'm saying? Can you imagine the terror of any child? believing if my parents know this one thing, they won't love me. Yeah. That's trauma, right?

That's the definition. And that's why I can't tell you how many parents have said, my God, I wish I could have that over. And let my kid know, I will burn the buildings down to come get you because I love you. You're my kid. I want you and your husband to be aligned on the same page before you all walk in there. Okay? Okay. Who's here?

here's who we're going to be as parents who love our kids well. Here's who we're going to be as parents to this young woman. Here's who we're going to be as people of faith. Are we confident that we're on the same page with this? And here's what love is going to look like. And these are going to be our boundaries, and every boundary comes with consequences. Yeah, I guess we're going to have to really talk about that

and make sure we're in agreement before we talk to her. Yeah. I felt like we were, but now I'm kind of thinking I might need to think over it. Okay. Do you think that we should talk to the other girls' parents about it? I had planned to, but now I'm not sure. I will tell you, I would talk to the parent not because I found out their kid is

attracted to my daughter or dating my daughter. I wouldn't run to say, oh my gosh, guess what I found out about your kid. Oh, no, no, no. I would talk to... They're going to be wondering. I would talk to the other parent and say, hey, I found out. our daughters are dating and we can't do sleepovers. That was pretty much, yeah, because I know they're going to be wondering.

I would do that, especially if they're close family friends. If you don't know this family, I wouldn't feel an obligation. But I wouldn't feel the need to run out and be like, oh my gosh, guess what I found about your kid? I wouldn't feel that obligation. But I would say, hey, we found out our daughters are dating and they're in a relationship together and they've been spending the night with each other. And we're drawing a hard line on that.

Okay, that's, yeah, the mom and I have kind of become friends through the girls being friends. And they've just been really good to our daughter. So I just don't want to leave them in the dark, like wondering why we all of a sudden decided to stop letting her stay the night. Sure. Yeah. And you can sit there open-handed with her and say, here's what I found out about our daughters. Yeah. And be prepared for her to go, yeah, I knew that. I know. I'm like, if she knew and didn't tell us, that's not, to me, that's not cool.

Right, right. Yeah. And I'm way more concerned about the sexual activity of my teenagers than anything else at this point. Same, yeah. I just don't want to put her in that position yet at 15. God, no. To be, like, experimenting in whatever gender it is,

I just don't think it's appropriate it. Yes, yes, yes, because you're a good parent. Okay. So, yeah, get with your husband and get real clear. And we can go from there. Thank you for talking through this with me. Yeah, thank you. Thank you for wanting to love your daughter well.

Yeah, I appreciate your help so much. Yeah, you bet. And if you want to call me back, or you can come back with your husband, or you can call back with your daughter. I won't talk to kids under 18 on the show, but if they call with their parents, I'd be happy to. Our kids, man, parents out there,

our kids got to know on a, not a regular basis, a daily basis. There will never be someone on your team more than me. that doesn't mean I'm going to approve of everything you do like depending on your values that's not going to be mean that you're not going to have a consequence free life of course not especially that doesn't mean

I'm going to let you do whatever you want whenever you want to um based on safety concerns etc but my gosh every one of those decisions is going to be made because I love you forever and ever and ever we'll be right back all right it all started with cozy earth towels these amazing, giant, comfortable towels that survive the dryer.

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and use Code Deloney and you'll save up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozyEarth.com slash Deloney with Code Deloney. And if you get a post-purch survey, tell CozyEarth you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show. All right, we're back, Kelly. All right, so I have a question about the Together app. Rip it. And this one's a little more personal than like the ins and outs and the how it works things.

So I want to know, first of all, what's your favorite part? And then how have you and Sheila used it? And what have you seen from that? The favorite part for me and my wife was if you'd ask both of us, do we do it what I would call small. This is a dorky way to say this. Small attenuating bids. Do we do those things every day? We've both been like a thousand percent.

Nobody does them better. this app was like, oh, I don't do them like I thought. And especially I don't ask, I don't do the work to find out what are the best bids for her. I do bids as I would want them, right? And so I'll tell you, man, when we first got the first prototype in and we started using it at the house. And again, I was doing this just because I thought, I need to be able to say I use this app too. I'm telling you what, man, it changed my house. getting home and finding a note

about my wife seeing me do a certain thing with the kids that she just said, I want you to know. That's awesome and I love you. The other day we were at the beach, I went from, I flew down to Orlando, did that event for three days. It's a super intensive with 2,700 business leaders.

It's on, like all day, all night. It's a wild thing. I flew back to Nashville, threw my stuff in a bag, and we drove to Knoxville for my son's state track meet. We spent the night in a hotel there. We drove back and we didn't stay at home. We immediately jumped in and went to Alabama for a family trip.

We'd planned. And after day two or three, my son's just getting up before God and being like, let's go fishing. She saw it on me. And I was just like, I'm out of gas. But I told this kid, we're going to fish until we can't walk anymore. And so we're going. And she caught me on the way out the door in a way she's never.

And she held me and said, I'm watching you be the best out I've ever seen. Like, like, but that is the daily, that's us doing that app over and over and over again. And so, yeah, it's changed us even. And I wrote it, right? But it's changed us in a pretty powerful way just to constantly be paying attention to, how can I love you? And, man, it was pretty cool. It gave me some extra, extra gas in the tank, just seeing her see me, right?

I felt seen, and it was awesome. So, cool. You should do it too, Kelly. I do it, but my husband, and I'm so ashamed to admit this, has an android. I know. You're married to someone with an android? I know. I know.

We'll talk about that. I'll call him. At the next show.