The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Doesn’t Make Enough Money

Episode Date: June 8, 2026

🔥 ⁠Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife whose husband isn’t pulling his weight financially A man feeling like a failure after bankruptcy A couple wondering if their dark humor will traumatize their kids   Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The story that I have is that he doesn't have the confidence to go out and do better for himself. But he's doing just fine for himself. He likes his life. You don't like that he hasn't, he's not going out to give you the life you want. Well, and not just that I want, but the life we agreed that we wanted together. What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. Comment to you live from Nashville, Tennessee.

Real calls from real human beings. going through it wherever they happen to find themselves with their mental and emotional health, their relationships, their marriages, whatever you got going on. That's what this show is about. I'm going to pull up a seat and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes and it will send you to the form. You fill it out and go to Kelly and she will decide whether you get on or not. I'd love to have you on the show.

So click the link in the show notes. Let's go out to Lexington, Kentucky and talk to Jody. Hey, Jody, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm well. How are you? I'm doing great.

What's going on? Well, thanks for taking my call. It's an honor to talk to you. You too. You too. Thanks. I'm calling because I just kind of wanted your input to see how I deal with some resentment that I have toward my husband as the breadwinner or I guess sort of higher income earner in our family. family. And that's not really the place where I wanted to be. So just kind of wanted to get your

thoughts because it kind of keeps, I think I'm past it, and then it creeps up again. And this resentment's kind of an undercurrent for me. So let's move the breadwinner status to the side. Where are, or where have you? Do an exercise with me. So close your eyes. Okay. Okay. And I want you to imagine your husband standing in front of you, about 10 or 15 feet away. Okay. Did you ever see stranger things?

Yes. Okay. I want you to imagine he's in that black water. Okay. And he's just standing there. What about that man that's standing in front of you? Do you no longer respect? A good question.

And how to put it into words. Just don't try to sanitize it or censor yourself. start vomiting it out. What about that guy do you no longer respect? Not being the provider that, you know, I needed or desired, I guess. Underneath that. Oh, gosh. I guess just not having the confidence to do better for himself and for our family.

Okay. Keep going. Not being the leader that I would like to have in a husband. Give me a definition of leader. I hear that a lot from women and it's often a moving finish line. What does a leader mean to you? The person that you can depend on to take care of things. I guess that's basically what it is.

Where is he not dependable? well, I get, you know, the biggest part for me is just not being the one to earn enough so that I can stay home with our, you know, kids. That's kind of what I always wanted and we had talked about before we got married. And then it just kind of never happened. Is he not earning enough for you to stay at home with the kids because he's lazy? I think it's... Okay, so hold on. Don't start answering yet. I'm trying to pull it apart, okay?

and I know it's kind of uncomfortable. Okay. I don't want you to protect him and I don't want you to protect yourself right now. I just want you to answer first blush, okay? Okay. Is he not making enough because he's not capable of it?

No. What story have you made up as to why he's not making enough money for you to stay home? I think the story that I have is that he doesn't have the confidence to go out and do better for himself.

But he's doing just fine for himself. He likes his life. Yeah. He doesn't like that his wife doesn't like him. So go beneath that. You don't like that he hasn't, he's not going out to give you the life you want. Yeah.

Yeah. And what story do you make up about him that he won't go out and give you the life that you want? Right. Well, and not just that I want, but I feel like a life we agreed that we wanted together. Okay, so one of the reasons you've lost respect is he didn't, he's not keeping his word.

Right. Okay. Yeah. And you see how a conversation about he's not making enough money, so I'm out here having to pay the bills, that can become a really significant proxy war too. I don't respect you because you're not dependable, and you didn't tell me the truth.

Mm-hmm. Right? And those are the real issues here. Yeah. I mean, he started as the higher income earner, and, but then it sort of flip-flopped, you know. So I felt like I had to,

I had to earn more. How come? Why? Because, you know, we had bills and things to pay, and he lost his job a few years ago, and when he got a new one, it was a significant pay cut. And so then at the time, I thought, well, you know,

there was a promotion available at work, and I applied for it and got it. And, you know, I don't necessarily love what I do, and I think that's probably part of it, too, is I don't love my job. But I feel like I have to, I had to sort of earn more so that we could, you know, pay the bills. And since he took that pay cut. Is this job that you have to keep the roof over your head and keep the lights on,

or is it to keep your vacations and your new cars? We don't have new cars. I mean, we're pretty close to being out of debt, actually. And no, you know, we could probably do better about budgeting. But it's not, I mean, I don't have a big fancy life or anything that I'm trying to keep up. So, and again, it's going to sound like I'm coming at you. I'm not. I'm trying to peel this thing apart. Okay.

So when I hear a man who has, quote, unquote, lost confidence. so especially a married man losing your job is like especially for a guy for anybody but for a guy the body registers that as a death yeah it's a psychological trauma okay and it definitely did for him i mean i wiped him out yeah where in your relationship with him has he seen you instill confidence into him Well, and I, you know, we've done marriage counseling, and I know that I can be very critical, and I can certainly have high expectations. And so I've tried to be more encouraging, you know, and thank him for things that he does. And I guess, you know, part of it, too, is I love him and I don't, you know, I want to respect him more.

and I want to help him be more confident. But other than just telling you, I believe in you, I don't know how to help him with that. It's often not in the big things. It's often in the minute-by-minute, day-by-day things. Yeah. And I know men have a reputation for being obtuse and for being aloof and not paying attention,

but every man I know knows when their wife doesn't like them. Yeah. And every man I know knows when his wife's disappointed in the life they have. Yeah. Right. Yes.

And so... And I think you do. Yeah. I think that's part of it. But I don't know how to do better, how to fix me, I guess. Well, it's, I don't know that you need to go back to, I don't know that you're broken.

I don't know that you're like a car engine that needs to go into the shop. to get fixed. I'm right, but no, I don't think so, but I, pervasive, I hear men say this one line.

I live in a failure factory. Yeah, and I know he kind of feels like that, you know, he said, I just can't do anything right. And so I've tried to get away from, you know, voicing, like I said,

I mean, just in general, I can be a critical person. And so I've tried to kind of work on that. Um, you know, but, and he'll say, well, I would like to, you know, I want to get a new job or, you know, I plan to get a new job by this time. And then that time comes and no new job, you know, so I don't know how to, I don't know how to help, you know, but then at the same time, not feel this resentment that keeps kind of creeping up. I'll think I'm kind of past it and then it pops up again. So the definition of resentment that I live by is the perceived or reality, the perceived or true sense that there is no more hope. Are you out of hope here? No.

No, I wouldn't say no. Okay. Have y'all had what I call, and if you listen to the show for two episodes or more, I bring it up because I'm constantly beating this drum, but a what I would call a swipe the deck conversation and not ask the question, when do I get to stay home or I wanted this life? Because he might be saying, I like what I do.

Where does you work right now? He works for like a specialty food brand doing, like supervising people. And I think he likes it fine. I don't think he loves it. You know, when he talks about one a different position. But I think it was definitely

kind of a sigh really from what he was doing before. Sure. And if you've probably heard me say this, but if a spouse isn't their spouse's biggest cheerleader, they will naturally go towards the place where they are or somebody is. Yeah.

And if going to this work that you think is beneath him that doesn't pay him enough, but if that's supervising these folks, if they appreciate his leadership and the business is doing fine, that will become his safe place. And what I really want couples to invest in is this idea of creating a secret world that they live inside. They build it, they maintain it, they rebuild it, but it's their secret world where

they are each other's biggest cheerleaders. And from that anchor point, people can go do anything. Yeah, no, that would be awesome. But that means getting what I call a swipe-to-table conversation, clean everything off all the junk about you don't make enough money, and I want to be doing this, and you don't have all that crap off the table. And starting over with, hey, in five years, we're going to have this exact same life just with less because of inflation.

What kind of world do we want to build together? Yeah. And what do we want our secret world to look like? And if you go first, if you know, reflectively not, being a martyr and not telling dishonest truth, like dishonest, dishonest truth, that's not a thing, not lying, but saying, I'm too critical and I'm sorry. I recognize I've put you in a position where you can never win.

Yeah. And I'm sorry. Like you going first and then saying, what kind of world do we want to create together? And more importantly, how do we want this house to feel? And then you start reverse engineering that. Okay, then we need this many. to make this come true.

Are there any jobs in this where we live that pay this many dollars? Right? It makes it really practical, but most people come from the proxy word and try to get to meaning, and you can't because you get stuck at all these,

all these external things. But you clearing the deck, you both y'all together and saying, we are the authors of our marriage. We get to decide what this thing looks like, feels like, and it's ours. What do we want this thing to feel like? And if you honestly,

part of that conversation it's not all roses and you know perfume like you have to be able to say we made a deal and you're not living up to the deal that you, the promise that you made

if you've changed your mind then speak freely here but the agreement you and I made was when we started having kids I was going to stay at home and that's still a value of mine is that not a value of yours so what do you want your life to look like

paint me a picture of what If you could snap your fingers, you walk in the front door, or you're staying at home, so he walks in the front door, how do you want that house to feel? Paint me a picture of that. You know, I mean, have our kids playing and, you know, a home-cooked meal and just joy and laughter. Yeah, I mean, pretty simple. Nothing crazy. Well, there's nothing crazy there, but sometimes there's a lot of. of dragon-filled moats to cross getting to,

I want to be happy when he walks in the door. And I usually am happy when he gets home. I work from home, so I'm by myself a lot. There we go. Yeah. Do you have friends? I do, yeah. That you hang out with at least once a week?

No. Okay. Then they're not friends. They're check-in buddies, their acquaintances. Well, I guess, you know, for me, like when I get done, which we just, we just had our second. And so I've been on leave with the baby. And, you know, I just want to spend as much time with my kids as I can. So it's probably partly my fault that I don't have, you know, those times with friends, you know,

because if I'm not working, I feel I want to be with my kids. I know you almost said it. You feel what? Guilty. Yeah. I feel guilty for having my own joy, for filling my own picture up. Yeah. For having my own people that I can just roll my eyes with and make crash jokes with.

And I feel guilty. And I love the fact that you just had a second kid and here's why. You all have a brand new marriage. the marriage you had is over for better and for worse now you get to build a new one and y'all get to decide what this thing looks like and there's something powerful about going to breakfast together and i hate that this falls on you but it probably does get a babysitter for half a half a saturday morning feel the guilt and then realize nope we're building something amazing for the kids so they're going to be fine call grandma call a neighbor call somebody and you and

him go out and say, hey, we have a brand new marriage. And our old marriage, I was critical. I didn't like myself. I didn't like my stay at home work from home job or I got two kids. I don't, I didn't like that world I created. You've told me you don't like the job you go to. It's fine, but it doesn't pay the bill, all that. And we made some agreements about what we value. What is our new marriage going to look like? And we get to build this sucker from the floor up. Here's the thing. You're going to have a tower. That's the analogy I use for marriage. You're going to have a building. One's just going to present itself for you,

and that sucker is going to be wobbly and ugly, and it's going to be haunted with ghosts from your past. Or y'all can build a new one together, and it can look like whatever y'all freaking wanted to, which is pretty empowering and awesome. Thank you for the call. If you don't think you're out of hope, then it's going to start with a long conversation,

and I want you to go first. I want you to use eye statements. And call him on the carpet for the things y'all agreed on, he's not living up to. And then together, y'all create a roadmap, a blueprint, if you will, to build this new marriage. Thanks for the call, sister. I'm grateful that you called. When we come back, a man asks how to move forward after filing for bankruptcy and feeling like a failure. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Summer is here, and everything changes this time of year. The kids are out of school, routines go out the window, you're traveling more,

and you're probably sleeping less. And if you're not careful, you can end up running on fumes. I know I'm already there. If you don't slow down and take care of yourself, all that stress doesn't just disappear. It shows up in your body, in your work, in your relationships, in your patients. It shows up everywhere, and you find yourself not talking to anyone and just going inside yourself.

And this is why I'm a big fan of BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. All of their therapists follow a strict code of conduct, and you can message your therapist in schedule sessions right in the app. If it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime at no extra cost. You don't have to carry everything by yourself this summer. Go to BetterHelp.com slash Deloni to get 10% off. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. All right, let's go out to Chicago and talk to Ben.

Hey, Ben, what's up, dude? How much? How about you? Doing good, brother. What's going on with you? So my question for you today is, how can I move through this bankruptcy that I'm currently going through and not feel like a total failure and gain back some self-rescernation.

and my dignity. Thanks for the call, man. So tell me about this bankruptcy. You're not all the way through it. Why did you file bankruptcy? I lost my career about three years ago. I tried like hell to find another job in that area. I was in tech,

and I applied to probably over 500 jobs out of state and state. whatever I could do and I could just never actually get to that that next job. I would have some interviews. Nothing really moved forward.

I tried all the odd-end jobs I could do. Credit card bills started stacking up as I had to start putting monthly expenses on those. I was using my car

for ride shares, so I needed my car. Just stupid decisions that led to debt piling on debt, and it just got unmanageable, and it finally came to a head

late last fall, and I decided at the beginning of this year to just throw in the towel. I was that was uh how much debt was it it was around 80,000

with everything in okay if it's not too late I won't beg you but I would plead with you to stop the proceedings because I think you can dig yourself out the nightmare of the next seven years um

you'll be you can be out of debt before then so I'm doing a chapter 13 bankruptcy and my lawyer was telling me that we would be setting up a

three year payment plan based off of my income so after three years whatever's left on the debt would get erased yeah but I think you can beat it

that's not why you're calling but the echoes of this thing will go on long after three years. Yeah. Yeah. So take me back to this idea of a tech job. And were you pretty good at your job?

Yeah, I like to think so. Okay. Did you make a good income? Yeah, I was making over $100,000 a year. Okay. So when that went away, it was quite a bit of a shock. Yeah. And, yeah.

But the way you describe it. it to me, the words I wrote down was you didn't just lose a job you lost your spirit, you lost your soul, you lost your identity. Because you're a guy that told himself and others, I'm a tech guy. I work in the tech industry. This is who I am.

Even the way you said I lost my career instead of I lost my job. Yeah. Right? And if you anchor into a place of employment or a field of employment as this is who I am, that's always a fragile anchoring. Because as we're all seeing, like we told, we, you know, the world told you guys, I don't know, how old are you?

I'm 30. Say that again? I'm 30. Okay. Yeah, you were a part of that generation. They told you for 20 years. Go into, go into tech, going to coding, going to tech, going to coding. And then all you guys created a system that is going to take away all jobs, right?

Yeah. And so if your identity is anchored into that thing, instead of, and here's the alternative, my identity is I provide value to a customer. My identity is I help people do X, Y, or Z air conditioning. I'm a teacher. I'm a professor. I'm due concrete.

Like, I am a white collar executive, and my job is to make sure my leaders are all okay so they can go do their jobs and take care of their people. All right. If you're anchored into I help others, you can help others anywhere all over the place. What I'm asking you is, is if you step back 30,000 feet and say, okay, I used to do tech, that's a thing I used to do. It's not a guy I used to be. And you start asking yourself bigger questions like, can I go manage a grocery store or a chain?

Can I go be a teacher? Could I be an AI IT teacher at a local high school and make a hundred grand as a part of the teacher's union in Chicago? Yeah, so I actually just landed a, I landed an apprenticeship in a welding union down here. So I'm not making great money right now, but by the time I'm out of my apprenticeship, I'll be making around $60 to $70 an hour plus. all of my benefits like pension and health care on top of that. Okay, so you'll be crushing it. Yeah. How long is your apprenticeship?

It's a five-year apprenticeship. That's a long time. Do you have five years to float around at $35,000 a year? Well, I'm making more than that right now. Right now, I mean, we're working a lot of overtime because we're really busy. we have a lot of work for at least the next 10 years, so it's a lot of job security. Yeah. How much you're making right now, annually?

Well, I just started this past month, but my weekly checks are around 1,500. Okay. Where are you living right now? In a small apartment. Are you married? No, that was another reason why I was asking you. about the self-respect and dignity because the biggest thing I want for myself

and the whole world is to find a meaningful relationship and have a family of my own one day. And right now, that just doesn't even seem like it's in the cards. Yeah. Here's a thing. Self-respect and confidence

is not a thing you can think yourself into. It's a thing you have to act your way into practice. And that means for a while you're going to have to do, take the next right step when your body is screaming for you not to. That means you're going to have to get up

and go to the gym when you're exhausted. Even if you're just going to do 20 minutes in there. That means you're not going to get on a stupid dating app. You're going to go to a local whatever. You're going to tell all your buddies to tell their wives and girlfriends if they have a friend, you're on the prowl.

Don't say on the prowl. That makes you sound like a creeper, but you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm going to head back to church. I'm going to join a softball league. Maybe the union's got a team. But I'm going to start taking steps

that feel incredibly difficult to take, even though I don't feel like them. Because my feelings are huge right now, because my feelings want me to turtle up, stay in this one bedroom apartment, and not come out. Because when I come out, I get hurt. I get rejected.

I get let go, all that. Yeah. And I'm going to begin to become a man that I trust. And right now you've lost trust in yourself. Yeah. And the only way you establish trust in yourself is remember this line, doing the next right thing, especially when I don't feel like it. You are not a failure because you're going into welding now.

Okay? Yeah, I don't feel like a failure going into welding. I actually really like it. Awesome. I'm proud of you for doing this. It's going to be a slog for five years, but I'm proud of you. And by the way, being a part of a Chicago welders union, they're going to instill in you, this is your new identity.

And I want you to fight that. None of us, myself included, none of us are the thing we go to work and do. That's a thing we do. That's not who we are. How can I put other things into my life that I can call my identity? Who do you want to be? That's what I struggle with. Okay.

Let me ask another way. Who do you want to help? When you worked in tech, who did you help? Question and answer. Exactly. As a welder, who are you going to help? At a center, CEOs, I guess, because that's a lot of further work. It's a pretty hollow way to look at it.

maybe you're going to help fix the education system in the United States. Maybe you're going to help the local tax base in Illinois. Maybe you're going to help create thousands of new jobs. Maybe you're going to make sure people have a safe building to walk into and out of. Right? I make my boss a lot of money. I could put that pair of glasses on. Who am I helping?

My boss get rich. I could or I can wear the pair of glasses and say you know what I do every day I help hurting people that's what I do Yeah And by the way I do that

I do that off the clock too I get to decide who I'm going to be But all that depends on The pair of glasses You choose to put on Every morning when you wake up Yeah I appreciate that outlook

Are you a person of faith Yeah very much so Okay Then if nothing else Every day I'm going to walk Open my eyes I'm going to go to work as though I'm working for God unto the Lord, as Scripture says,

which means I'm going to bring excellence. I'm going to go to bed the night before so I can show up with excellence. I'm going to take care of my body so I can show up with excellence because I'm working for something bigger than me. And you're probably in a season where journaling the stuff and writing it down is going to be really helpful, get out of your body because you're getting weighed down like you're under a weighted blanket with all the stories in your head, man.

It feels a little bit more than a weighted blanket right now. Okay, like you're under a, you're under a slap. of concrete yeah i feel like patrick star there is a bolter i get that then this afternoon go over to local walgreens and get a two dollar journal and i want you to write out all the like i feel the following i feel like i feel like i feel like and then underneath that i want you to spend a moment writing here's what is true and more importantly here's what i'm going to do next I'm going to go for a walk around the neighborhood. I'm going to put some books or a brick and a backpack and go rucking around my neighborhood.

I'm going to go down to the apartment gym with their weird little pulley machines, and I'm going to get in 20 minutes of something. I'm going to start going to the whatever, the singles gatherings at my local congregation or whatever. I'm again taking action. And if you can contract your expenses down enough, I want you to be honest about, of that $80,000 I owe, what's the smallest credit card? Could I save up in 30 days and get that one paid off? Forget all the others.

Can I get that one paid off? And then in 60 days, could I get the next smallest one paid off? I don't care about interest rate. I don't care about amount. I'm going to go the smallest one first. And you'll know, I mean, you can do that on paper, right? Hang on the line here.

I'm going to hook you up with the every dollar app for a year. before you go through with this bankruptcy, I want you to do the math on it. And one more thing. I'm going to hook you up with a financial coach. I work at Ramsey Solutions. I'm going to hook you up with a free coaching session with a financial coach.

And it's free. And they're going to be on your side. And so they're not going to try to push you into anything, whatever, but I want you to sit down and walk through your actual real numbers. What do I owe into whom? And is there a possibility, given what I make right now, right?

I'm bringing home $6,000 bucks a month. and it looks like it's only going to escalate over time, given my expenses, could I knock this out in two years or three years? And if you can, call off the bankruptcy, dude. Call off the bankruptcy. And as a guy who paid off six figures in debt,

I get it. I know how crushing that sense of being a failure feels like. But I believe in you, brother. Clay, call me anytime on your journey. Hang on the line here. We'll hook you up. I'll also give you building an on anxious life. It's a book I wrote about creating a life I want to live.

It's not filled with anxiety and the feeling of failure. I'll send you that for free too, brother. I'm on your team. Thanks for the call, man. When we come back, a woman asks how to talk about her and her husband's jobs in a realistic but respectful way around their kid. I can't wait for this call. All right, it all started with the cozy earth towels. I love them.

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and you'll save up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozyearth.com slash Deloni, use code Deloney. And if you get a post-purchase survey, tell Cozy Earth you heard about their amazing gear right here on the Dr. John Deloney show. All right, let's go out to San Francisco, California, and talk to Marie. Hey, Marie, what's up? Hey, what's up? Good morning.

Good morning to you. How are we doing? Good. So what's up? All right. So I'll be brief. My husband and I both work in emergency medicine. I'm an ER nurse and he's a firefighter paramedic. Hold on, stop, stop, stop.

Can I just celebrate you for a second? Thank you. Those jobs are real, real hard. Yeah. Well, let's just do some insider jokes. Your job's real hard. Your husband only works two days a week, right? And he gets to lounge and the chairs during the day.

I know, that's my firefighter joke. All the firefighters listen, I'm on your team. We love you. But I grew up in the house of a policeman, so that's just kind of insider jokes. All right, so both of you all have real tough jobs. He gets to spend a lot of time in a recliner, but so be it. So be it. All right.

So how can I help? I love, love, love my firefighter friends. All right, so what's going on? We love what we do. It's a huge reason we chose a career because we genuinely care about people and love them. but we have developed a pretty dark sense of humor that could be crass. I think it's a coping mechanism. A hundred percent it is.

Yeah, around coworkers and each other, it feels very normal, but around family, it sounds cold. Unempathetic, it doesn't seem to land well. Do you know my background? Briefly, I know you were in like a crisis. Yeah, I, I, I, I, I, I was on a hotline. I, like, I ran patrol with crisis team, with, with police officers. And I would show up with emergency rooms and with, uh, firefighters when they weren't lounging around. But my, I grew up in the home of a homicide detective and a SWAT Hossess negotiator. So, when you say dark humor, just know that Kelly edits this show a lot. A lot. Because they don't all land well. The heart, I don't know if I can say this. I'm going to say this. Kelly's not here, so Alex is here.

They may edit this out, but I'll tell you. And hopefully they'll leave it in. Because we're grownups here, right, Alex? But if I'm honest, the top three hardest times I've ever laughed. One time was that an Adam Sandler movie in the theater. One time was with my buddy Trevor and Todd and Craig. And the number one hardest I've ever laughed. was cleaning up a scene that included dead people with another officer.

And it was so gruesome that it started with a tiny little, like, smirk that led to a joke that led to, I laughed so hard. I was the closest I've ever come to vomiting from laughing. And I remember looking at him being like, dude, if we're being recorded right now, they're going to put us in an institution. And that made him laugh even harder. Anyway, like I So and again

To anyone not in that world Like that sounds like I'm insane Right But you have to do that Or otherwise you are going to go insane right So every first responder I know has a Sense of humor that should not be recorded Let's just say that

Yes I'm smiling very hard Because I feel seen Oh that's my number one hardest I've ever laughed. I think this is the first time I've ever said this out loud. It was, and I would tell you off air,

the scene we were cleaning up was so bad. Yeah. And anyway, I just got the giggles and I couldn't stop. And then it just compounded. And that was it. And your buddies are with you and they're in the same traumatic scene,

but yeah, it's what comes of it. I have a picture in my head of an officer with his head on a sink because he couldn't prop himself up. He was laughing so hard, but he was holding something. Anyway, yeah, been there, been there, been there.

Okay, so what's your question? I'm trying to make this all about me and it's not about me. So sorry about that. No, I thank you for the camaraderie. It's nice to hear it. All right, so go for it. Now that we're becoming, we have a one-year-old and hopefully to be more kids, but now that we're becoming parents, we want to be intentional about how we talk about

our jobs around our kids when they grow up. We don't want to hide reality or pretend that hard things don't exist, crazy things don't exist, but we also don't want them to grow up being desensitized or cynical or thinking people's pain is something to joke about. So how do we balance honesty plus the realities of our job

while teaching empathy, respect, emotional health? Yeah, that's awesome. So, man, that's such a good question. I'll just tell you a couple of things that have made a big difference in my life, okay? And I don't have a time. kind of like literature or data on this. I'm just going to tell you, I spent, I mean, I grew up in the

home of first responder. I ran with first responders. And that was, I mean, I, I meet with a lot of those guys, men and women behind closed doors still to this day. So here, here's a couple of big rock things. Number one, your kids are going to watch you way more than they listen to you. And so them seeing in real time, mom goes to the gym. mom and dad are always hugging each other. They're always looking each other in the eyes. They're always laughing with each other. They're popping each other with towels.

They're smacking each other on the butt. Like, my mom and dad are gross for each other. Right? And by the way, that's number one on the greatest gift you can give your parents can give their kids is to recklessly love their spouse, their other parent. My husband said that the other day. That's awesome. That's number one.

Like, of all the, can I put them in these schools? Can I put them on this? athletic team. Number one is recklessly love their other parent. And so you and your husband decide, and here's the language I've started using, y'all create a secret world that does not include your jobs, does not include your kids. It includes whatever y'all want it to include, though. But it's just y'all. And then we decide if we're going to talk about work. We decide if we're going to let kids like even peer into this thing but this is our secret world our jokes our laughter our little like sexual knot like all this is ours right what we want our home to feel like look like where

we want to live all that stuff that's ours nobody else gets a vote in that and so putting that time in again we'll give your kids an emotional anchor and here's what that looks like for my kids you will not know shame until you make an inappropriate joke and your 14 year old looks at you with no laughter and says, Dad, when are you going to grow up? Right? My kid did that to me. And listen, I was, I laughed so hard when he did that. He still didn't laugh. But here's what that taught me. A, he has grown up in a house where he's allowed to call out his dad. He is in a house where he feels safe enough that's okay, respectfully. He is in a house where he has developed his own moral compass because he had a true moral compass to be anchored into in him and in his mom. And three, he knows his dad's a good guy,

but his dad just thinks that certain things are funny that most other people don't. Right. And I'll also tell you, I made a big mistake in coming, I realized very early, that I would melt my wife with stories of what had happened at work. And then I hit the pendulum too hard, and I started telling her nothing. And then what I realized is I started keeping secrets. And I started telling other people it was going on, and I found myself moving closer to them than to her. And that's not good either.

And so we had to develop some sort of code where she would say, like, was last night a rough night? and I'd say yeah. And she knew, oh, when he's had a rough night, when he had to go tell mom and dad, hey, your kid is dead in the next room over here, right? And you've been in those rooms when moms fall to the ground

and dads are hitting things. Like, you've been in there, right? Yeah. She didn't have to know all the gory details, but she knew when John says he's had a rough night, she leans in. She comes in for a hug and doesn't let go. Oh, damn.

I'm going to get choked up now. She will sit by me and put her on, arm, her hand on my arm and not let go. Because we've talked about it before, right? And I know, hey, I need to call my supervisor when I see a gnarly one. I just need to say it to somebody, right? Yeah. But it's developing those things and your kids are going to absorb that.

Right. Right. And so those are the big rock things. And I don't think y'all, because similarly, like if you were on shift, right, and you all saw something crazy. And you as a group of nurses, like, we're doing what you had to do to survive that scene, right? And one of y'all is outside smoking and y'all are standing with them and one of y'all makes a joke and you all get the giggles and then y'all just start dying laughing, right? I know this about you.

If you walked back inside and saw an arrogant prick doctor make a comment about that patient, you'd get angry, right? Yeah. Because that statement would be at them, not, you get what I'm saying? I do. And so I don't think your fear about saying the wrong thing or making the wrong joke in front of your kids, that's a real fear. You won't do that because that's not how you are. It's not coming from a place of malice. That's right.

It's not coming at a place of at. It's coming at a place of survival. Yeah. That's a good point. You won't do that. In fact, your kids, because of you and your husband's professions, your kids will see the world. They will walk through life with their eyes wide open to hurting people.

And we need more people like that. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. We do. Okay, I've talked so much in this call, and I'm so sorry. You talk back now. I feel like I'm just running my mouth. No, no, no.

No, that was, that was, it was really wonderful. I do appreciate it. Yeah, I think my concern came from. We were having a family gathering, and my husband and I were just going, we were just ricocheting off each other and, you know, building on a story that or soon happens because he brings patients to my hospital. And we were just going back and forth on it. And I remember the looks on my family's faces when I looked over,

and they were like, oh, they just looked at us like we were, these awful people. And I remember my sister specifically saying, I would never say that about somebody. And then, yeah, that made us just check each other like, oh, God. Okay, but does she work in your profession? No, and that's, my dad is also a, no, man, my dad's also a paramedic firefighter, and he came around the corner,

and he was like, hey, I get it. And, yeah, yeah, he gave us a little bit of comfort in it, But you're right. It's just, it's a, it's a situation that you just can't explain to other people unless they live it, you know. And I'll tell you, my dad, the former homicide detective, there's been many of times he starts telling a story at the dinner table. Go too far. And with my kids. And we're like, Dad, stop, stop, right?

And he's like, oh, sorry. Right. Yeah. And he's not trying, he's just speak, like, that's just how I grew up, right? And so I don't want my kids. At the time, they're six, right? They don't need to hear about that assault. Like, they don't need to hear that.

And he's just not even making a joke. He's just telling a fact. Hey, this happened yesterday. Yeah. And like, no, there's a six-year-old. He's, oh, okay, right? And so some of that will be you and your husband being self-aware, right? And you know as well as I do.

It's kind of awesome to juice up a crowd sometimes. They love the story. They do love the stories. And it's, I mean, sometimes that can be fun, but usually it's like, Like, nah, that's good. Yeah, yeah, you've got to be careful how you take it. That's right. But, no, that was a, I appreciate the point of kids will watch your actions and behaviors more than your words.

Yeah. That's great. Now, they will pick up swear words and say them back to you. As my daughter was singing, Tom Petty came on the other day on the way home from church. And my family's always changing the words to songs. And I hear my 10-year-old daughter in the backseat of my truck on the way home from church of all places singing and I'm free

free ballin and she kept singing it over and over and I looked at my wife I was like you gotta tell her what that means and she's like you tell her I was like I'm not tell her you tell her and she my daughter caught us and she's like what what got and so we had to explain it and it's anyway they'll pick up your words

and Sam back to you they for sure will so um but it's a let me say this you're super on the right track the fact that you're even wondering about this is great. And there is tons of discretion with little kids. They do not need to know those stories at all.

In fact, many of the stories my kids don't have any idea what dad used to do. Like, they know I used to show up at the house in a patrol car or something, but they have no idea what dad used to do. And that's good. As my son's getting older, he's asking more questions and I'm telling him a little bit more here and there, but you're in the right place. And having a dark sense of humor is part of being. a first responder showing up with people in their worst worst worst almost unimaginable moments

that's the way we stay saying um and i know it's fun to melt family but it's probably not a good idea so all i'd say is y'all are doing great um i would love for you and your husband to get together spend a half day together you all have one year old now the marriage y'all had over it doesn't exist anymore. So getting together and saying, okay, we have a brand new marriage because we have a one-year-old now. We've never been married with one-year-old. What do we want our marriage to look like because we get to choose? And y'all construct that sucker. How do we want this to look? And how are we going to love each other recklessly? So death do us part. Thank you so much for the call, sister. We'll be right back. All right. Look, I went into a local corner store the other day to just buy a few things.

and at checkout, they wanted my address, my phone number. They might as well have taken a picture of me and got my social security number. I just wanted some paper plates and some cups, and they wanted my soul. Listen, every time you give out your cell number, your email address to some business or you buy something online, data brokers are looking to grab your information and sell it to the highest bidder, leaving you vulnerable to spam and scams. This is a big part of why I use and recommend delete me. Your phone number, your home address, your family's personal information, all of this is just

floating around online sitting on data broker websites that you have never heard of. Delete me, find your personal information, and they remove it for you. Not just once, they keep monitoring for your information and they clean it up month after month. This helps you close the gap between what you think is private and what actually is. You cannot build a peaceful life if parts of your life are being bought and sold in the shadows online without your permission. Go to join deleteme.com slash deloney and get 20% off an annual plan. That's join delete me.com slash deloney. All right, Alex, something cool happened.

By the way, the second show in a row, Kelly's not here. Still hungover. She went on a bender. Yep. Golly, dude. she's not going to fire you Alex Alex is so scared for his job I'm telling you guys Kelly is ruthless

she's scary right everywhere everywhere I travel all over the country people like Kelly's the best she's so wonderful she's not mean at all she's a tyrant an old tyrant thank you thank you

and by the way she controls final edit so she's going to edit all this out or she'll write her own cool crap that happened and be like dear John your team's amazing like she always does but all right go ahead Alex so this is less of a cool crap that happened and more of a cool crap that could happen so uh here you go with the dungeons and dragon story well yeah uh anyways jennifer uh said i feel like your next move is to open up a breakfast place called clearing the deck where the booths are set up like a comfy meeting place to have breakfast but there is at least one trained therapist on staff at a time in case something something emotional blows up you could have the paper and pen in front of them as well as tissues if things get hard.

I'm happy to help with logistics for a small cut of the profits. Love your show. A breakfast place. Ship it. Do you all even, do people y'all's age even eat breakfast? Not me. I don't know any kid under the age of 40

that eats breakfast. Killer, do you have breakfast? No, not really. Sometimes I have a protein shake in the mornings if I'm feeling them for it. Beef cake. Yeah. So, okay, I'm doing this. I'll open a breakfast restaurant. What does she want to call it?

Clearing the deck. All right, I got to change the name so she won't sue me. We could have a covered wagon parking for our geriatric folks who want to come meet Kelly. And if we could have a thing in the corner where Kelly's making her own butter like she does, that would be awesome. So she's Amish now, too. She just does things the old-fashioned way, like they used to do it when she was a little girl. before we had all this newfangled stuff like electricity and running water and stuff like that. All right, that's awesome. I love that idea.

What was her name? Jennifer. Jennifer, I don't share profits, but that was a good idea. Thanks for the suggestion. Love you guys. Bye.