The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Doesn’t Prioritize Our Family

Episode Date: June 15, 2026

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He coaches a lot of baseball. He is pretty persistent that he's going to keep that same schedule, even when our child arrives. Does he get paid for this coaching? He does. However, he keeps that money. Okay. So tell me more about that. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show coming in hot. Hope you guys are doing great. Wherever you happen to be listening.

Whether you're here in the States, if you're somewhere across the oceans, we're glad you are with us, talking about your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriages, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. I'd love to have you on the show. Click the link in the show notes and it will send you to the form. And that form goes right to the magistrate, Miss Kelly herself. Let's roll out to New Orleans, Louisiana. Talk to Christina.

What's up, Christina? Hi, good morning. Good morning. What's up? Just wanted a little advice about commitments and marriage as far as commitments of each spouse, over commitments, and how to kind of prioritize different things. All right. I'm just going to take a wild guess. Are you married to a guy? Yes, I know. What's he doing?

Not committing, right? No, he's committed to our marriage, yes, of course. But he is overcommitted in other areas of his life. He coaches a lot of baseball, does lessons, a lot of things on the side. We are expecting our first child in October. So I just want us to know how to navigate that because he is pretty, persistent that he's going to keep that same schedule even when our child arrives. So one of my favorite things I've discovered over the last few years is somebody says, hey,

I want to work on my communication in my marriage. And what they're really saying is, how do I get my spouse to do what I want them to do? So you're like, I just want to get some tips on commitment and marriage. And really, it sounds like you want your husband. husband to be plugged in with you and this new baby that's coming? Well, yes, absolutely. Okay. I know he loves doing this, so I still want him to be able to do it in some aspects. I just don't think he realizes how hard it's going to be come that time. So I want to reverse engineer this question, okay? And it's going to sound accusatory and it is not. I'm just going on a fact-finding mission, okay? So tell me about, like take the coaching stuff off the table for a second.

Is your husband a good man? Yes, absolutely. Okay. Does he love you? Yes. Okay. 100%. Like in a gross way? Sometimes. Okay, perfect. Okay, good, good, good. Does he work full time also, in addition to these coaching things? Okay, what does he do for living? Give me a ballpark. He works in sales. Okay. Excellent. I have a hypothesis here, and that was a good data point along towards my hunch here.

Does he get paid for this coaching? Does he like work in side hustles to increase the finance, like your family finances? He does. However, he keeps that money. He gets paid for some of the baseball things. He keeps that money. Okay. So tell me more about that.

Lessons and then one school coaching job he has, they did pay him for that. So he keeps that money. Some of it he reinvest back into the coaching aspects. Like if he needs gloves, that's uniform. things like that. Okay. Do y'all share a checking account? We do.

But he has his own separate side account? No. He just, he basically gets paid via like Venmo cash app, things like that for these services. And is all that dump into the one family checking account? No. Okay. So he doesn't technically have a separate checking account at a bank, but he just has a big surplus on his own Venmo, right?

Okay. So I want to start there with this sense that we have this joint world together. We have this secret world we've created that's just me and him. We're kind of gross inside of it and it's awesome. And he has this other world that's just his. And be honest about I'm not a part of that world and I'm uncomfortable with there being a separate secret world that he has that's just his. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, I understand.

Tell me some ways you celebrate him on a regular basis. Like if he was on the phone with me and I said, hey, give me three or four ways that you know your wife stops the presses and tells you how grateful she is for you, how proud of you she is, how much she loves you. What would he say? I am good about sending him loving messages during the day. Oh, I love it. I'll pick him up little things like if I am in the store, I'll grab him like a little sweet treat and bring him home for the day. You're like, hey, like yesterday, I brought him home some chocolate.

Okay. Do you like it when he picks up little treats for you? Absolutely. Okay. Have you all ever had the conversation about what are some ways you feel loved? we have but probably not practiced them okay so I remember when my wife and I were deciding whether we're going to stay married or not one of the I'll call it a temper tantrum but it wasn't that it was just like a like a lot of

stuff that I'd buried so deep kind of all came out and one of the things I remember not pounding the table in a dramatic fashion like Dwight giving his speech but like I remember like saying like I just want you to say you're proud of me. Yeah. And my wife was like, you know that I'm proud of you. Like look at this home I keep up for all of us. And I'm also working part time. And I said, I just want you to say it.

And I felt humiliated saying that out loud. I felt embarrassed. Like I would need that, right? But that was me being honest. And what I found is many times couples celebrate each other like they like to be celebrated, and it doesn't have the same effect that they think it does, right? And that may not be the case in your house,

but I think that's worth a conversation. And here's where I'm getting at. You got a guy who works in sales that has a real-time daily scorecard about how he's doing or not doing. More sales equals more money equals I'm winning, right? Coaching, like having a side business, athletes that go do well. Like all those things come with, no pun intended, an actual scorecard.

And for a husband, I hear this over and over and over across the country, and I've lived this, people tend to lean towards where they're celebrated. And if parents are saying, man, you have changed my son's life, or kids are suddenly throwing faster or getting more hits, and it feels like I'm winning over here, and then I come home, and I don't feel like I'm winning here. So the best thing I'm going to do for the family, I remember getting to a place personally where I thought the greatest gift I could give my wife and my young son was to not be around. And that was a complete, like completely not true, but it was a story that I eventually made up in my own head about myself.

Right. And so that may not be the case at all in your home, but I want you to be reflective on. when my husband walks through the door, does he know he's winning here? And does he know what an important role he plays here? Okay. The marriage y'all had is officially over. It doesn't exist anymore.

And you're going to have a new marriage for about 10 months, and then you're going to get a completely new marriage again. And so what I always recommend in these moments is when you find out you're pregnant, marriage as you knew it is over. Now you've got a new marriage for a season. and then you're about to get a new marriage because you're about to have a kid.

And everything y'all knew is different now. Having that conversation up front, clearing the deck and saying, hey, we get to build what this new marriage looks like. What do you want it to look like? What do I want it to look like? How do we want our home to feel? Let's reverse engineer and build that thing together.

Otherwise, if you don't start at the root, if you don't start the foundation of your old marriage, what happens is it gets into, what I call these proxy wars, which is you're never here. Well, you're always doing this, and all you want to do is this, and you're always, you see what I'm saying? And it becomes a game of whack-a-mole. And at the core, everybody starts to slowly drift further and further apart from each other.

You become co-managers, right? And I feel like that part of that whack-a-mole is going on now. Okay. I'm never here. Gotcha. And so what does a conversation look like when you sit down and say, hey, I wish you were home more? or are you sure you're coaching again or he says yeah i've got i've got two private lessons tonight and he sees you go like tell me about that those interactions yeah that's the exact

interaction tell me about it um i he he has tournaments on the weekends too so most weekends he's he's never home as well so it's hard i feel like i'm alone a lot i can't plan anything um i'm just kind of by myself. I go to things here and there, but I don't really exactly want to spend every day all day on my weekends at the baseball field. I work some weekends also, so I'm not able to go,

but the conversations usually don't go very well. Okay. And my guess is you say you were gone last weekend, and he said, you were working, and you're like, well, that's not what I meant, actually, right? Yeah. Okay. Have you ever started a conversation with I miss you?

Absolutely. How does he respond to that? He misses me too and he never, he says he never wants to not come home to me. He's excited when he gets to come home to me. At least he's, you know, home. He's home now. Let's make the best of it.

But by that point, I'm usually tired or frustrated or, you know, it's late. Right. He gets home and he's like, all right, sexy time. and you're like, nope. I'm like, it's 10 o'clock. I'm going to bed. Which he feels like, oh, she doesn't even want me here. And then he gets a Venmo for $250.

And then he gets a request for, hey, do you have room for another private lesson? He says yes. And the dance continues, right? Yeah, correct. Okay. So I'm going to give you a quick framework that I've adapted from Terry Real and others. Okay. And this is what I've found to be not only the only path, but like a pretty sure path.

It may not end how you want it to end, but it will put everything on the table. You ready? Okay, I'm ready. All right. So we're going to set aside a half day, like a Saturday morning, a Sunday morning, skip church. I don't know if y'all go to church, but skip church, like, whatever. But we're going to, and maybe it's an evening, but we're going to plan, okay? Okay.

And I want you to start with this conversation. The last year, I have seen you take on a lot of clients. clients and you get really excited about baseball. However you want to say that, but do it in the least accusatory way. All we're doing is stating facts, okay? Okay. And if when you state facts, if he withdraws from you, preface the conversation with, I need to say some big things that are in the middle of my chest, in my spirit,

and my heart, and I need you to stay present with me. Most men will say, awesome, I'm here, okay? and then say the story I'm making up is you would rather be playing baseball than hang out with me the story I'm making up is these baseball players these other families are more important than me and this new family that's growing inside my belly and then after you say the stories you're making up follow that with that makes me feel sad that makes me feel lonely that makes me feel all by myself. And then the fourth thing I want you to say is, here's what I want to be true. And when you start with, here's the stories I'm making up, then what you're doing is you're

inviting him to counteract that story, to confirm that story, but you're not starting with, you're never here, you're always doing coaching. We never hang out. And when we do hang out, all you want to do is make out. Like, you see what I'm saying? Those are ways you can push him away. Those are accusations he's going to wall up and defend himself versus here's what I'm making up about what's going on in our home right now. And even go one step further. The story I'm making up is I'm going to be stuck here with a newborn all by myself where you're out taking care of everybody else's kids in the community. Yes. If you introduce it as I'm making these stories up and here's how I feel about these things, if he's any type of man at all, he'll lean forward and say, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.

Okay. Right. That story is not true or that story actually is true. And if it is true, then we've got to deal with it, right? We've got to put that on the table. Okay. But it's a way to kind of stop doing all the proxy war stuff and to put, here's what I'm feeling inside my spirit right here at the core.

And these are stories I'm making up. And he might come back and say, the story I'm making up is, I don't make enough money in my sales job and you want a bunch of fancy stuff. And so I've got to do all this extra work. or the story I'm making up is you don't celebrate me. You don't really want me here. And when I am here, you're too tired or to this or you just want to watch TV. And I want to go out and do some fun.

So he's going to make up stories and he's going to put those on a table back, right? And all of those stories are going to be hard to hear. But it's a way to get to the actual root of what's happening, especially when you say, here's what I would like to be different now. Now you went real quiet on me. Are you nervous to have that conversation or is not going to go well or tell me what you're feeling? No, I'm not nervous. I'm just taking it all in.

Okay. It's very good advice and a great conversation that needs to happen. Okay. I'm going to give you one more thing, okay? And this is an additional thing that I've learned over the years, sitting with countless couples. I want you to say, if nothing changes, here's what I'm going to do next. Okay. And that can be really scary to say out loud.

The story I'm making up is I'm going to have this newborn. You're going to be gone every Saturday and every Sunday like you are right now. That makes me feel scared. That makes me feel alone. That makes me sad for our kid because I think you're pretty amazing. I would like it if we all come first and baseball gets reduced dramatically in our home. But if you're gone every Saturday and Sunday, I'm going to start planning trips with just me and the baby. Okay.

I'm going to spend weekends with my parents. because I don't want to be alone all the time. I'd rather be with you. But you and him sitting down saying, we get to build whatever world we want. Our old marriage is over. We're going to have a building regardless. And I don't want it to just be a lean-to kind of concoction

of our old marriage and resentment and annoyances. Let's clear this whole foundation. And the pillars of this new thing are going to be, do we see each other? Are we constantly getting to know each other? Do we celebrate the bloody hell out of each other? And do we challenge each other when appropriate, right? And do we do this every day? Do we do it every week? Do we do it every month? And we do it once a year? We just redesign our whole marriage every year. What does that look like? And my guess is both of y'all are going to have some stories. Y'all are both made up about each other and about your marriage that are going to be painful to hear.

And that's part of getting to the next step, which is we are right or die. We've got a kid coming. This is our marriage. Let's rebuild the thing we want. We can build whatever marriage we want. And then we'll go get it. And it might mean he's got to just take a season where he's not coaching. So be it.

You're way more important than that. And your new kid is and your marriage is way more important than somebody else's kid throwing the baseball real fast. And if you know it brings him joy and love, like, dude, go do private coaching for a while. Like in the evenings when I'm just cashed out of sleep, yeah, go do that. It's like my wife. Like, dude, I go to bed at, she goes to bed at 9 o'clock. John, go to the comedy club.

Tell jokes. I don't even think you're funny, right? But go do that stuff. That's part of negotiating and navigating, building an amazing marriage together. Thanks for call, sister. We come back. A man asks how to share his past struggles with his new girlfriend without letting his shame define their future.

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That's join deletemeat.com slash deloney. All right, let's grab a Laga and sit by Havit and go to Boston and talk to Matt Damon. What's up, Matt? What's going on, Dr. John? How we doing, brother? Way better than I ever imagined I could be. Me, too, man. Are you running a scam called the,

podcast too it's the best no no just got a successful career really young and that's awesome i do not have a successful career um kelly is driving us right to the bottom of the ocean but it's still fun still fun so what's up man um i guess so i um went through i've had a tough life i suppose and i've made a lot of mistakes along the way tell me about it tell me about it I guess the bullet points, I mean, growing up, I had a lot of dysfunctional family. Parents died when I was young, adopted by my grandparents who were dysfunctional, some abuse, and watched a lot of family just fall apart. And so I've never seen successful relationships really up close.

And I guess on my path to success here, I was kind of doing it on my own and just figuring it out. and succeeding in a lot of ways, but still struggling on the relationship front, left home when I was like 18 and went out on my own, which helped a lot. But I got into a good relationship when I was like 21, and it was good for a year and a half, but we ended up getting engaged and then moved in together, and I ended up sleeping with someone else when I was like blackout drunk and I've changed everything since it's been like a year and a half since that that time um and like it wasn't it was just a I did it woke up knew I had to tell her and and confronted it head on and tried to fix everything but she didn't

want any well she acted like she did for for like a year and dragged it on but she wanted revenge and she got it but so now that's all behind me and I'm trying to move forward are you all still together you all broke up we broke up okay we were trying to fix it for like a year like so all that happened in like October of 24 and then um August or September last year I found out I guess the truth of everything she had been doing for that year while I was trying to fix everything and she was just looking for revenge and she got it. So I'm trying to recover from that. And I ended up finding Jesus and committing myself to God.

And I haven't touched alcohol since October of 2024. Congratulations, man. Thank you. So bring me to today. How can help you today? So today, I still have all that backstory and I guess baggage. And I'm just, I've met a new girl. and we've only gone on a couple dates

but I guess just in general how to face it going forward whether she's the one or someone else I don't know how to address all of that I don't know if I have to tell her everything about how I cheated and whatnot or I guess just how to yeah because I'm definitely terrified

because I've come to become a Christian Jesus Christ has saved me and I'm heavily involved in the church and everything, and she was a pastor's kid, and she's amazing. Hasn't lived half the life I have, and I'm just terrified that if I share this stuff with her, she's not going to want anything to do with me. Okay, if someone is unwilling or unable to love all that you are, then they're not the right person for you.

And I don't think that you say, hi, my name is Matt, and guess what I, what's the worst things I ever, did. That's not how you meet people, right? Right. But if you go on dates with somebody and you all like each other and you start getting more close, like more intimate, and I'm not talking about sleeping together. I'm talking about

like getting to know each other at a deep level. You can be honest about your past. And by the way, none, zero of your childhood is your fault. Zero. Yeah. None of the abuse you endured is your fault.

It took me well to figure that out. Yeah, but that's not your baggage to carry. Yeah. And I know that's easy to say, right? That's not what healing is, right? Yeah, it's my responsibility to deal with it and move forward now. That's right. It's your responsibility to set it down.

Yeah. And when you were 21 years old, you did dumb things. You did things that violated your core values. You know who's done that? Everybody. maybe not to the extent you did, but everybody has things about themselves that they look back at their 21, 22, 23-year-old self

and they're like, whoa. Or in my case, their 30-year-old self or 35-year-old. Like, we all, like, that's going to be the story of our lives, which is everybody needs redemption all the time. But what I don't want you to start doing now is to start thinking, there's parts of me I have to hide because you've been playing that shell game

your whole freaking life, right? I'm usually pretty upfront about sharing stuff. A lot of the way I've overcome everything I've been through is just being upfront about that stuff and sharing myself as openly as possible so people can criticize it or adjusts where I'm going. Or, or, or you put it all out there so that they'll leave before it gets too close and too close.

hard. Yeah, that sounds more like it. Yeah. I'm going to dump all the trash on the table the first time I meet you or the second time I meet you and you're going to be caught off guard by the smell of that trash. You're going to leave and I'll be like, see, they left. You want to push other people away, right, before they have a chance to love you deeply. And your parents passed away. Those who came to take care of you, abused you. Like, your strategy for survival makes perfect sense. And if you've listened to my show ever, you've heard me say this, but the things that kept you safe as a kid are going to really negatively impact your adult relationships.

Yeah. How do I balance? Because I don't want this to come out like a month or two down the line and she finds out and goes, oh, if I knew that, I never would have had anything to do with you. That's the definition of anxiety. is predicting a potential future adverse outcome, dragging it into the present and trying to solve it now. Because just as equally true is she finds this stuff about you and has gotten to know you,

and she's blown away by the transformations you've made in your life. Right? That's equally true. Yeah. Yeah. And so if you have a sense in your spirit that I'm being deceitful, then let her know, dude, I come from a really messy background. and I've made some dumb mistakes in my young life.

And if you ever want to hear about them, I'm an open book. What if I share it all and she accepts me? Because I had... That's your worst fear, brother. Yeah. What if she loves all of me? My abusive past, my mistakes, my infidelity, my previous engagement.

What if she loves me anyway? Because you know what she's doing then. She's calling your new faith bluff. Do you really believe you're loved by the God of the universe? Really? No, that's rhetorical. But I'll ask you, do you really believe that? I do.

Okay. Then if you're a person of faith, you say you're a Christian, if you're a Christian and you want to, that's the hill you're going to die on from now and to the rest of your life, and you believe you're anchored in and loved there, I'm not going to squash myself for any person. Because I'm worth being loved. all the way.

She's not going to love the things you did. You don't love the things you did, but you love the man you're becoming. Practice. Just practice. Practice. You've never done this before. Cut yourself some slack and give yourself some grace.

You've never seen a functioning adult relationship in your life. More importantly, you've never felt what a safe, loving adult relationship feels like, right? Yeah, I had a glimpse of it. You didn't. You didn't. Because the person that would seek a year-long revenge, you dodged her like the Matrix, brother. Because maybe you don't sleep around

and you'll end up getting married and you're gone too long on a weekend fishing trip. She's going to get her revenge. Right? You see what I'm saying? Yeah. That's a spirit within somebody. Because in every relationship,

people are going to hurt each other. That's the nature of trying to take two strangers and create a new life together, a new world. It's just ours, right? People hurt each other. And even if she had said, your original fiancé had said, I can't be with somebody who's going to get blackout drunk and sleep with somebody else.

She could have shown up and treated you with dignity and respect in a moment when you don't feel you deserved it. She could have shown up and been the best version of herself in a really ugly situation. in a painful, ugly situation. And instead, she chose to bleed you out for a year. Yeah. Right?

And so own your part of that, but don't own the whole thing because the whole thing's not yours to hold. And what I'm hearing is a 21-year-old man who screwed up in a major way. You've taken ownership of that, and now we're going to move on. I'm going to set that down. I'm not that man anymore.

And I met somebody new, and I like her. She's cool. She's funny. She's pretty. whatever you want to say. And I am not going to do my best to push her away first just in case she's going to push me away later. I'm going to believe this new faith.

I say I announce to the world that I believe in, that I'm worth being loved, all of me. I'm going to keep becoming the best version of myself. And if you sit down and you tell her, hey, I've got a while past and I'm a new man. And I'm really glad to be meeting with you. But I want you to know I'm an open book. If you ever have questions, I will answer them.

Full, 100% truth. Then what you're saying is there's a door inside of me. If you want to go in there, I'll walk you through it. But you're not going to grab her by the arm and drag her through that door and show her a bunch of stuff she may not want to see. Okay. Right? Yeah. And if she chooses to walk in that door and she looks around and says, I don't like what I see in here.

That'll be heartbreaking. That'll be sad. But that'll be her choice that she made. And so the more you tell yourself a story is this is so big. This is so much. it's so much, it's so much, the heavier you're going to make every interaction. And instead of looking at this new person who lights you up, who's fun to be around, all this stuff, is she the one? Is she the one? Is she the one? Man, you're putting so much

existential pressure on yourself. It's unnecessary. Ask yourself this. Is she my friend? Do I like seeing her? Do I like getting to know her? Does she like getting to know me? Because when it all comes down, man, the marriage is the, that make it long term, they're just great friends. That simple on. I mean, and that hard, right? Yeah, yeah.

But yeah. Are we great friends? And sometimes she's going to have to look past all your hairs that you left in the sink and you missing when you tried to pee in the middle of the night and a pile of towels on the floor, she's going to have to look past that and be like, that's my friend.

He's gross, but that's my friend. and then sometimes you're going to have to look past the mistakes you've made, her judgments about you or whatever, I'm just making stuff up, but you're going to have to look past that and be like that. She's my friend. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, I appreciate making it an invitation to open the door

that advice I think will help a lot. And listen, when you let that, when you open, I mean, when you offer that invitation, and it's going to sound crazy. When you open that invitation, then move on. don't just stand there at the door waiting for her to come in. Thanks for a call, brother. Dude, for whatever it's worth, man, I'm proud of the man you're becoming.

I'm proud of 20-year-old you for surviving. I'm proud of 21-year-old you for making a huge mistake and then waking up the next morning and taking full ownership of it. I'm proud of you for trying to navigate really gnarly waters the following year, trying to make love work because you've got no picture of what love looks like. I'm proud of you for finding faith, giving yourself completely over to your faith, and I'm proud of you for having the courage to say,

I just met somebody new, and I want to be as fully transparent as I can. But I'm not going to weaponize transparency this time because I'm worth being loved. I'm proud of you, brother. Make the next right move. When we come back, a woman asks how to support her daughter's boundaries without hurting her marriage.

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All right, let's go out to New York City and talk to Ray. What's up, Ray? Hey, how are you? I'm doing great. How about you? I'm doing okay. I'm doing all right. It's a little surreal talking to you.

It's surreal talking to you. I go to bed with you every night in my ear pods. Oh, that's going to give you wild dreams, sister. I know. It does. It does. So what's up? All right.

So, I know I'm like this. Every story is an onion, so I want to try to do this properly. But I'm on my second marriage. I have four older kids. And my husband, sadly, he lost his only son about seven years ago. So we've all been grieving that, obviously. And, you know, he's not the same person he was prior. How long have you all been married?

We're married, six years. were together about 14 years. So my kids, you know, have grown up with him. My kids are now in their 20s. My oldest is in her 30s. Yeah. So and everyone, you know, gets along, loves each other. But over the last few years, his drinking has gotten to be an issue.

And, you know, I've tried to talk to him, tried to have conversations about him because he gets aggressive verbally with people, not physically, but more like, have another drink, have another drink. have another drink, like he doesn't let up. So it becomes, you know, the goal of the night is to get everybody falling down. So recently my daughter brought to me her concerns because they're having a destination wedding this weekend. And without even, you know, missing a beat, I said, well, then he shouldn't be there. Because I feel like I've tried over the last few holidays, parties, gatherings to reel him in and control it.

and I can't. And I don't want her special day ruined. And now he's in a place of feeling obviously rejected and heartbroken and I understand. But I'm kind of caught in the middle and questioning if we'll even survive this. Okay. Thank you for being honest and brave. Thank you. For real.

My goal on this call is to free you from feeling like you're in the middle, okay? Okay. Because the way you just outlined the story for me, I don't see you in the middle at all, but I can 100% understand how it feels like you're in the middle, okay? Yeah. You did a pretty extraordinary thing. And what you did is you fell on a grenade on behalf of your daughter. And that's noble and right and good.

I'm proud of you for that. Thank you. Okay. And you did another thing, which is noble and good, is you waited through 14 years with an escalation over the last six years of a problem that's become increasingly bigger problem that's attached to your husband's spirit and you waited in and you looked them in the eye and you said, here's how this is going to go. and that takes untold amounts of courage and I'm proud of you for that okay I appreciate that thank you now here's I want to free you okay it's not your responsibility and not only is it not your responsibility you can't okay you can't carry his feelings and emotions right now those are not yours to carry those are his you did the next right thing

and he gets to feel however he wants to feel. Okay. And so consciously reminding yourself, I can't carry his feelings and emotions. And you might have been carrying them for the better part of a decade and a half, but you can't carry them. They're not yours to carry.

Okay. And his actions, this is one of the consequences. Right. And so the consequences are his. and you're married to him so they, by proxy, become yours, right? You're going to have a hard choice to make, which is, I'm not going to get on a plane without him

and fly down and support my daughter. My hope the answer is yes. And also, that decision might have a consequence because he might not be there when you get back. Right. Right? Yeah, and one part of me, I'm so excited to go down with my kids

and my whole family and celebrate, and I'm so excited for this time in her life. But then I'm heartbroken and then I'm going to be alone. Yeah. Both of those things are true. He's going to be missing it.

Yeah. Yeah. And can I, I'm with you 100%, okay? I'm on your team. Can I say something hard? Yep. Part of the consequence of you postponing this conversation for three, four, five, six years is that it all is happening right now. Right.

Right. And so you've got a consequence here because you've known this is a challenge for a while. And it's, I don't want to wait into it. I don't want to wait into it. I don't want to wait into it. And then your daughter made a call. And God bless you for saying, she made the right call. I'm standing up right now.

That's awesome. But that delay, I think the old saying goes, conflict deferred as conflict amplified, right? Right. And so here we are. Like, what could have been an explosive conversation four years ago is now a bomb. Right. Right. But here we are.

And so, yeah, it's going to be a both and. I'm going to be so excited for my daughter. And do you like this knucklehead she's marrying? I do. I love him. Awesome. That's so great, right? So I'm going to go celebrate this. And I'm going to go back to my hotel room or my cabana room or wherever you all doing this destination wedding. And I'm also going to be really sad that I'm all by myself.

Yeah. Both are true. Right. And if you try to make one more true than the other, you're going to kill a part of your spirit doing that. Yeah. That's what prompted this reach out. Yeah.

I was, yeah. Yeah. Is in your husband's shame and in his heartbreak and in his sadness, has this been a wake-up call for him? I need to go get help? Or has it driven him further to the bottom of a bottle? Yeah. Yeah, I was hoping because I told him about six weeks ago.

and I was really hoping he'd come down because we don't live together right now. How come? I moved in with my daughter and her fiancé about six months ago. Tell me about that. It had been a couple of years of just like financial things happening

and like you say, nothing happens in a vacuum, you know, his disconnection, lack of responsibility, and just always looking for the next excuse of party. and I hated being away from my kids. We moved about three hours away from my kids, and I missed being with them.

So they invited me to move back. And we still see each other. We still love each other, but I've been trying to focus on rebuilding myself. And I have had a lot of hard conversations with him about how I can't do this anymore, and I'm not happy the way things are. I've even sent him links for the better help app

and he hasn't done any of them. So is there a reality here? Is this your daughter's wedding and the, like, has this been like the event that pulls the curtain back that your marriage says you knew it is over? Yeah, I think so. Okay. So let's live in that reality.

Yeah, right. And I was really hoping he would take this as his wake up to, I can't miss it and I'll do whatever, but the truth is, it's not what's important to him right now. Well, it wasn't important when you moved out six months ago. Yeah, it's true. And it wasn't important a year ago when you said, hey, I'm not doing well. Right. And by the way, this isn't about you feeling happy.

I'm not happy in this relationship. You're not safe in that relationship. Yeah. You're financially very insecure in that relationship. Right. You're isolated and lonely in that relationship. Right, you get what I'm saying? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And so for you, it sounds like there's some soul searching that has to happen, which is the marriage we had is over. And it's been over for a long time. And if you go back and you're honest, it was actually like there was a period at the end of the sentence of your marriage when you moved out. Yeah. And now the question is, can y'all sit across the table from each other and say, are we going to, are we going to rebuild something? something and if we are here's what must be true and him be enough of a grown up which is tough

when you're struggling with something when you're dealing talking to somebody who's in the throes of an addiction it's impot there is no connection when you're talking to someone who's an addiction there's just communication right yeah but here's what must be true and better help is he needs impatient therapy right now he needs impatient treatment not even impatient therapy that's going to be part of it but yeah and he gets to make that choice and I have to let him him. You have to say, here's what I'm going to do next. And you've done that along the way, but it sounds like this curtain was revealed and the emperor didn't have any clothes on. The marriage was exposed for what it is. Right. Over. And the question is, are you going to formalize its

overness? I know that's not a word, but I'm going to formalize the separation. And you're going to have to go through the shame and the guilt of, I don't want to get divorced again. I remember all that, like all that mess, or are we going to sit down across from each other like adults and say, um, not that, not that formalizing and separation is not like adults also, but we're going to sit across from each other and you're going to say, here's what must be true. I'm going to stop hoping that you're just going to quote unquote get the message. If you want to rebuild our marriage from the ground up, it's going to start with a 60 day inpatient treatment program. Or maybe you're done. Maybe you're just done. And you need to be honest with him about that. And then you need to be

about finding an apartment wherever you live next to your kids or, you know, I mean, like going about this is going to be the rest of my life. And I can't. Everyone misses him from, I feel like we all have that, the memories of him prior to. Yeah, of course. Yeah. You know, and we're like, we miss that guy. Yeah. Because that guy, you know, showed up for us and loved us. And my kids were younger when I met him. I've been waiting for that guy to show back up. Yeah. And one thing is universal, there's very much a before and after after somebody loses a child. Yeah. Very much. And I don't even try to pretend to understand. Sure. But you were there too. I mean, you were there too. You had a relationship for eight years with this young kid. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah, it was devastating. Yeah. But I can't make the call for you. Your daughter can't make, nobody around you can make the call for you. And it's right and good to really grieve who your husband used to be. And it's right and good to grieve the loss of his son. And it's also right and good to say, you're not well, and I'm not safe in this relationship anymore. All those things can be true, right?

That's just choosing reality there. Right, right. Reality's the worst most of the time, most of the time. Not most of the time, often. It's the worst. So I'll tell you, man, you've made some bold, brave moves and I want to honor your vulnerability in calling and

in choosing the next right step for you. But now you're at a precipice and I think you've got to make a bigger call and maybe you make the call after the wedding. Maybe you make the call or you write down some things that must be true and you hand him to him and you give him a roadmap and say, I'm going to go on this trip when I come back. If you want to rebuild our marriage here, so it must be true. Or if you're just done, give him the honor and dignity of saying, I'm putting a period at the end of the sentence and I'm going to file. But show up as the person you want to most be.

And that's the person who tells the truth. That's the person who makes the next right, hard call. And that's the person who treats everybody with dignity and respect regardless of whether the world thinks they, quote, unquote, deserve it or not. So I'm proud of you for keeping yourself safe. I'm proud of you for picking the next right thing. I'm proud of you for having hard conversations. And I'm proud of you for making the tough, tough calls

that are right here in front of you. moving forward. You call anytime, Ray, and I'll have you on. And if he wants to call, I'll be happy to talk to him as well. Thanks for a call. I'm really grateful for you. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney for Hallow.

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That's hollow.com slash deloni for three months for free. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it? Yes, I really like this one, and I think you will too. This is from Rachel in one of your favorite cities in the world. Desamoineas?

No. San Antonio. I was being legit. Like, one of your favorite cities. I can't tell if you're telling the truth or not. And she writes. So I just wanted to say that I am married to a mechanic from Arkansas. You've often talked about asking your wife for a syllabus or asking your spouse for a syllabus.

We aren't nerds, no offense. So instead, I asked him to make me a mixtape. Oh, gosh. Isn't this amazing? He made her a mixtape that describes who he is. is and where he is in his life. She said by the second song, I was in tears. You've changed our life so much.

We aren't great with the words, but I'm so grateful for all that you do. That's what's up. That is so cool. I love everything about that. Can you imagine how cool that would be to sit down? He made her a whole Spotify playlist. And just to sit down and be like, who am I right now? What describes me?

I mean, what a cool idea. Oh, it's the best. We got to, Spotify playlists are fine. we got to bring back the mixtape because that took a lot of effort. I mean, what would take more effort now would be actually finding a tape player. That's what I mean. If somebody rolls up on it with a like a live mixtape, marry them immediately. Or like, just forgive whatever nonsense they've done.

If you've been a terrible person, mixtape. Don't you remember sitting in front of it ready to hole, you know, to press, play and record at the same time. At the same time, yes. And then hoping you miss the DJ talking over your song. Oh my gosh. Yeah. And then like having to like you get all the songs, but you got to put them in the right orders. You got to go back and dub over. So good. And then writing on the tape all the songs. Last night I was thinking of this. I had a, there was a girl in seventh grade that I thought was cute in the lunchroom. And I had a buddy who worked in the school office, like as a teacher's aide or something.

I asked him to go through the card catalog and if you don't know what that is if you're young they used to print off parts of the internet and just put it in a box called the card catalog and get her information. He got me her number. At lunch, I mouthed across the cafeteria when we made eye contact

and I mouthed her her phone number and I did like the numbers with my hands like 2, 8, 1, right? Because we're in Houston. She was like, I'm in. It was awesome. If I did that same thing now, jail. Instant jail.

Oh, yeah. Like, if my son or if your son did that at school, we would get a call. Yes, that your kid is now in prison. For stalking or whatever. And they would be suspended. Yes. Yes. I mean, for goodness sakes, when my kid was in kindergarten,

he got suspended for two days for playing finger guns. Pugh, Pugh, in the playground with another kid as a five-year-old. So that would totally get you in trouble. I used to leave class early to make it across campus because I knew my wife was going to, she was my girlfriend in time, would be walking from one of her classes to another class just to see her and be like, hey, what's up? And she'd like, oh, hey. And then I'd keep walking, stalking. I would be in jail. I'd be in jail.

I mean, the fact that the police Every Breath You Take was such a huge song. That song is creepy as hell. That's Dirty Bird. That is Dirty Bird. That song is so stalky. But at the time, we didn't think that. Oh, he's watching every move I make.

Every breath I take. How romantic! We thought it was romantic. Now it's like, hey, don't talk to me. Just like text me or DM me. Shoot me a snap. Yeah. The kids use snap anymore.

That's probably an old person thing now. Not as much. DM. But more importantly, Rachel. Ritchell. Mix tape. This is amazing. She's my hero. And her husband's my hero. I'm just thinking of an awesome mechanic in Arkansas and he's like, what's

a syllabus? I know. I'm going to make a playlist. Yes, yes, and yes and yes. We need to bring back of that OG romance. Minus the stalky stuff. If somebody looks at you and says,

I'm watching every breath you take. For real, run. For a real run. After you call the cops. Yeah, call the cops and run. But if they hand you a mixtape, oh yeah.