The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Gawks At Younger Women in Public

Episode Date: August 25, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: -          A wife uncomfortable with her husband’s wandering eyes -          A mom struggling with her daughter’s perception of intimacy -          A dad wondering if his wife is buying their son alcohol Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Need to talk to someone? BetterHelp is virtual therapy when it’s convenient for you. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. These are the BEST sheets and towels in the world. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Getting lots of spam calls? DeleteMe can clean up your online presence for you. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Find peace every day. Hallow is the simplest way to slow down and get your head right for the day. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  I have Helix Midnight mattresses in EVERY bedroom in my house. Get 20% off when you visit Helix Sleep and take the sleep quiz to see what you need!  I took Thorne supplements way before I worked at Ramsey. Stoked that we can work together now! Get 25% off for LIFE at Thorne.    Head over to Poncho Outdoors to try the best outdoor performance shirt for yourself!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I have a hard time when my husband blatantly looks at attractive women when we're together, like physically turning his head. That's just annoying. How old is your husband? 60. 60. Ooh, he may be on the other side. Yeah, that makes him a creepy old man. This isn't a word, but you can pornographize anything. What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show, taking your calls from all over planet Earth

about your mental and emotional health and your families and marriages, whatever you got going on. Love, love getting to talk to you all and meet you out on the road. It's just, it's awesome. Thank you for being with us. And Kelly, looks like today was maybe shower day.

You look nice today. I love how you could make a compliment just into the most, like, hate a stick. Like, you did, you did, shirt, like nice shirt and hair today. I have on a t-shirt and my hair looks the same every day. I just have on a headband today.

Oh, maybe that's it. Yeah, my little liminey headband. It's sporty spice, Kelly. Which is giving me a ginormous headache right now. But hey, it's the pains of beauty. But it looks good. That's really all it matters. There you go.

Yeah. There you go. Well, it's delightful to see you out of the corner of my eye. That's a sentence you've never uttered ever in all the years we've known each other. Well, there we go. It's the first time I've seen headband. People mark it down. Headband lipstick.

And nice shirt. It's a big day for us. Let's go to Wichita and talk to Don't call me Shirley. Shirley. What's up, Shirley? Hey, how are you? I'm doing great. How about you?

Great, great. Hey, my question or my concern is I have a hard time when my husband's blatantly looks at attractive women when we're together, like physically turning his head. Well, that's just annoying. Right? I have talked to him about this and said, hey, you need to be better. I get it that they're going to be other attractive people in the world, but it feels disrespectful to me.

Yeah. Well, I was talking to some middle school boys the other day, and everybody's out at the park playing, and, you know, a couple of, like, college girls walk by, and they all just, like, comically without even meaning to all turn their heads like in this it was it was like an old 80s beer commercial you know what I mean it was like so but I was like guys there are beautiful people everywhere and there's a way to do that with dignity and respect and like honor right there's like

hey that's a beautiful attractive person and you can turn your eyes you can you can nod right but then it's like gawking right and I was like guys be better than that hold your husband right How old is your husband? How old is he? 60. He may be on the other side where where it's like not really. Yeah, that makes him a creepy old man.

So, yeah, I mean, I don't know how I can help because he's not on the phone. Do you feel less than? Yeah, yeah, it does. Tell me about that. And also, this doesn't happen in a vacuum. Is he like spend his time on, on, on, looking at women, like, give me the full context here.

Yes, I have, I have, I have caught, if you want to call it that, caught him looking at other people online. And I don't believe it's pornography. I was married for 34 years, got out of an abusive relationship, and then remarried, and this is my new marriage. And so part of me is like, well, you know, I'm super sensitive. know what is normal what is too much what yeah i i guess i'm trying to draw my boundaries as well yeah so i mean i was convicted and this is within the last couple years uh not convicted but i i was like yes that makes sense like if a if like a fireman were to walk in this room like a like a like a one you see on a calendar, like a super attractive, ripped 30-year-old fireman were to walk in here.

Kelly's just like, tell me more, right? But like, what's to walk in here? Even the guys, everybody should be, there should be a feeling of calm and safety and like, oh, yeah, in this room. And I'm not talking about in a sexual way, but like in a guy's just awesome, right? That's a natural thing. If a beautiful woman was to walk in this room, everyone's spirit should be lifted up, right? And anyone who denies that is just denying reality. It's that next layer when there's, when everyone acknowledges there's an attractive person in the room, and that's awesome.

And your spirits are lifted because beauty is beauty is beauty, right? And also, there can be an unattractor. I'd say like, this is an ugly way to say this, but I'm just cutting to the chase here. There can be a classically unattractive person who is hilarious. And they have a great spirit or they're full of joy and those people just lift up a real. room and so to to pretend that that's not real is i would if if you're challenged by that then i would suggest yeah you've got you've got issues with who you see in the mirror right right if there is you're walking down the street and your husband of six who's 60 is you're standing right

next to him and somebody walks by and he turns his whole head all the way around he's like who man like that's gross right and by the way right it's disrespectful to to you but it's disrespectful to her it's that it's it's that fine line between being lifted up by beauty and then objectifying somebody and taking that next line and i'm going to meditate the wrong word but i'm going to fantasize i'm going to connect myself to that person and i don't know yeah it's it's it's both and right so i would say if it makes you uncomfortable look in the mirror and challenge that discomfort is it do i feel less than anytime somebody beautiful walks in the room or if somebody funny walks in the room or if somebody just bubbly and

full of joy and they bring that spirit into a room and that makes you feel less than then I would want to challenge that like what where does that sense come from is if are you still hanging on to stuff from and I say hanging on like it's a part of you right it's not like you're something wrong right I mean because I'm you know 57 so it's like you know obviously aging and things like that can hit you hard too but I do try you know and take good care of myself and keep up with things, you know. Yeah, but I mean, there's, there's something about, like, I'm 47, right? A 25-year-old dude walks in a room, I'm like, man, that guy, I don't look like that.

I never look like that, but I can tell myself, I don't look like that, quote, unquote, anymore, right? But it's, it's not a challenge to me. You know what I'm saying? Right. I'm not a, it's like, oh, man, that guy looks awesome. And I'll elbow my wife and be like, look at that guy. And she's like, whoa, you know what I mean? And it's not out of disrespect or out of lust or anything like that.

It's just that's an attractive person. And so if you're 57 and beginning to want to tamp down any of the attractive people in your life, I would suggest to you, like, man, that's an exhausting way to live. Right. Right. And I know, I know, because I've been fed the rhetoric that at times through my ex-husband and things that I'm, you know, not good enough. Like, my grandma is more attractive than you

was one of the things I was told. So I am dealing with... Yeah, I hate that for you, man. With some of those things, but at the same time, I know I'm worthy. It just kind of shakes me when things like that happen. And I have expressed, you know, and it has gotten better.

But at the same time, it still happens. Yeah. Is it the fact that there are other attractive people, and it's a signal to you that I'm 57, I'm in the back half of my life, I'm getting older, I've got more, like, is it the natural part of grieving the aging process? Or? Part of it. Do you have a really disrespectful husband who's kind of gross, but also, like, you've said,

hey, this makes me feel uncomfortable, and he's like, yeah, I don't care. no it wasn't that he didn't care okay you know it wasn't because whenever I've addressed it it's just like well if it's right in front of me I'm gonna I'm gonna see it and I said I get that but you don't have to you don't have to physically turn your head well and anybody who says there's not a difference is lying right yeah like come on right like a okay help it a nobody's asking you to not acknowledge somebody's beautiful, and B, don't be gross. So, so where do you go from here? Do you say something like, hey, I'm not going to walk with you in public because you grossed me out? Are you there yet? Well, I could, I could easily say that. If it happens and feels disrespectful

again, like what I have said in the past is, wow, she's beautiful, you know, and he's like, yeah, she is, you know, but then still, you know, the 60-year-old and the, you know, the 20-year-old or younger girl that is truly beautiful. It's like, ah. Yeah, gross. Oh. Gross. Yeah. But, you know, and I, and I, and I'm making, like, a gross face right now, just so you know,

like, it's not just you and me. They're all like, yeah. Well, and I can't control what someone does online, you know, and I don't believe it's pornography. Yeah, but hold on. You can, this isn't a word, but you can pornographize anything. Well, right. You can pervert anything.

A bikini ad or anything like that. That's right. You go on ESPN and you can scroll down and you can find ads for the newest European bikini craze or whatever. And then click the link and you're on an ad. You can sexualize that in a heartbeat. pornography okay that's a sexualization and so it's it's it's well within your your let me say it this way you're not crazy because you you know him he's your husband you know you know you know and i wish there was another way there's that old supreme court justice

who was like i'll know pornography you want to see it you know when your husband is there's a look there's an absorption you know when he can say no no it's not pornography for you right now it is right that's correct you know that

and he's being dishonest with you and my gut tells me that more than him looking at beautiful women online it is you're not being honest with me in what way he's calling you dumb

oh yeah he's calling you stupid like oh no no no i i'm he's pretending that you're too stupid to know that he's a 60 year old man creeping on 20 year olds online yeah yeah you know what i mean and and there's that that sort of disrespect beyond the sexualization that's sort of like i'm smarter than you you're too stupid that's really painful right right yeah and all of this sounds like it harkens back to some level of how you were treated for 30 years in your other marriage, right? Yeah, yes.

And so that part of me is like, okay, what part of this do I need? I mean, clearly I need to work on myself always. And I think that'll be a lifelong thing. And you've got more bricks in your backpack. So we're all running the same race, but your race is going to be heavier because for 30 years somebody told you you weren't beautiful enough, you weren't attractive enough. it was your fault that fill in the blank x y and c you weren't sexual enough you all those things and so for 30 years that's encoded in your nervous system and let's be honest let's hold both

of them you allowed that to happen for 30 years right i did yeah i did and so there's both and then i woke up that's right but but a lot of the the angst you're feeling in your guts is you're allowing it to happen again and so there's something about saying i'm 56 i'm 57 i'm standing up for the time and yeah there's something about hey it it grosses me out when you gawk at a 20 year old 60 year old man stop i can't help it you can help it and i'm asking i'm telling you i'm not going to walk with you in public if you're going to turn your head and drop your sunglasses and gawk there is a way to look out of the corner of your eye and smile and be like wow she's beautiful and go on about your day and beyond that i'm not going to be in a relationship anymore where somebody

tells me that I'm stupid. Yes. Yeah. Where somebody makes me feel intellectually or physically less than. Yeah. That's, yes, that's a good way to put it. And when I approached him about the online things,

I said, I'm not going to see this. And he said, okay, I'll be better. And I said, do you have the integrity to back it up? Yeah. Well, I'm going to be better. I've just got to live with it. you know until i guess i don't know until i until i proves me wrong yeah but you you have to have the courage to take the next step which is i want you to delete these apps off your phone yeah

that would make me feel more comfortable he doesn't have he's not on social media so it's totally totally espn ads and things like that okay but again you're classifying pornography versus is something that makes you feel uncomfortable. And again, your discomfort is less than there's somebody beautiful in a bikini and more I can see it on him. It grosses me out. Yeah, you're right. You're right.

I have to be more honest with myself about that. Right. And you are equally as much as him dividing up between what is quote unquote bad and what's quote unquote good. You what I mean? Yes. my buddies right you don't like any of it right you don't like of course and you know what you get to not like any of it and there's other people listening to this right now and by the way don't read the comments

on this people are going to be brutal to me and to you like who are like I could care less if my husband's like great knock your lights out you get to do that but we're talking about you and your experiences in your life in your level of comfort and you get to put that on the table and he's a grown man he can say I don't really care what you say oh it's gonna be better well okay let's see it but you giving him a map to what would make you feel comfortable is the honorable thing for you to do for him. Okay.

And then you have to live in that tension if he's like, I'm not doing that. Right. And then what's my move if he chooses not to you? That's up to you. I can't make that call for you. No, I know. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, well, I feel better about having a little bit more clear on, you know, the whole, the whole situation. Yeah. But for whatever it's worth, a 60-year-old, like, gawking at 20-year-old, that's just gross. It just is. And I hate that, like, that's just me, man.

It's not. It's not. I had the same conversation with middle school boys recently. So, there you go. You're not crazy, Shirley. You're pretty great. And you're worth that work and you're worth the directive. hard conversations in your house.

Thank you so so much for the call. We come back. A woman wrestles with how to help her daughter see sex and marriage in a positive light. I've got to tell you about poncho, my favorite line of shirts in the world. If you've seen me on this show, on stages across the country, on social media, I'm almost always wearing poncho shirts. I wear a poncho when I'm fishing in the golf, and I was wearing poncho shirts all. weekend while I was mowing out on my little mini farm out here in Nashville. Listen, I'm telling you, you should wear poncho too because poncho makes the absolute best outdoor

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What's up? I'm doing good. All right, I've got a caveat this with, my daughter is the one who actually asked me to talk to you. Oh, fantastic. Okay. So I think she actually is more excited to hear your answer than I am, but that's, yeah. Very cool. So my question is, so have my husband and I ruined our daughter for life in regards to intimacy and marriage,

or can we salvage the mess we made, especially since we have five more kids after her? Okay. I want to stop you right there. The answer to that is yes. Okay. Period. End of story. And I want you to never use the word salvage again.

Okay. Okay. you may have done things in a different way you may have had like boundaries and you may have talked about stuff in a certain way and you're seeing it lived out but nobody's a car wreck okay nobody is a scrapped heap of metal that you have to take a hammer to and ping back into a new shape okay okay cool yep that's cool all right all right so i don't even know what we're talking about here other so go ahead but yes The answer is yes Everybody is redeemable All right Awesome That's wonderful to hear

Sorry I didn't realize I was going to react that way No you're okay You're okay Okay All right So the question

I guess comes from conversations we've had with her recently She's 16 And We've So my husband and I have been married for 19 years, and we're kind of the sappy, like, never stopped being newlyweds couple.

Awesome. Okay. And we are very open with talking with our kids about intimacy, about relationships, about, you know, just all of the things that are, you know, the birds and the bees and all of those things. We've never, like, made it taboo in our home. But I grew up in a home that was very taboo. And so, like, part of my concerns come from thinking that I might have overcompensated and been maybe too open. But my husband grew up in a more, I guess, not taboo home, but it was more, he was just kind of left to explore things on his own. So we're stumbling about because this is the first time we've raised kids. And we've got 16-year-old and it moves down from their youngest is two. and so we've we've had conversations with our oldest three 11 14 16 and my 16 year old just seems to feel like

well some of her conversation will come out with like that I can't stand the thought of being forced to be naked with somebody and she says things like can I get married and adopt kids and not share a room with my husband things like and so yeah so I'm just trying to figure out if this is normal I don't know because I I didn't grow up with that we didn't have conversations like this

and I'm trying to not like I don't want to take it personally because but there's sometimes when she talks that I feel like she almost thinks that Jake and I or that my husband and I are gross and listen if a 16 year old

sees their parents dancing and smooching in the kitchen and they're like, oh yeah, I can't wait. Then I would tell you, y'all should probably go see somebody pretty quick, right? They're supposed to look at their parents and go, oh, gosh, gross. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And so.

Yeah, I guess, yeah, I don't expect her to think we're all cool and everything like that. I just, some of the things she says makes me worry that she's, like, have we instilled the fear in her that we didn't intend to do when we talk to her about intimacy and relationships? I think it is way too premature. Okay. Way, way, way too premature. Because take the flip side, you've listened to this show. I've taken the exact opposite call.

I have a 16-year-old who's super sexually active. We think we ruined our kid. Right? And so I don't know many parents who look at their 16-year-olds. I have a 15-year-old son. And I don't know any, maybe they exist. I don't know any parents that looks at being at their teenage kids. And they're like, I'm crushing this.

Right? Yeah, no, not at all. And so obviously, out of respect for my son, I'm not going to talk about our personal things, but there's philosophical things we discussed. And I'm like, what? Yeah. Did you grow up in the same house I've been living in for 50, right? And here's the thing, I want him to explore the boundaries of some of those feelings and some of those things.

And can I just tell you this? The fact that you have a 16-year-old who will open up to you about this stuff means y'all are crushing it. Okay? And some 16-year-olds are super curious about what it would feel like to have somebody's hands on their body. And some 16-year-olds are super curious about what would it feel like to give birth. and some 16 year olds you're like the thought of somebody's hands on me

makes me tense up and there's not a I would just tell you as mom and dad exhale okay I'm way more worried about a kid absorbing the tension of the interaction

than I am about a 16 year old exploring their 16 year old thoughts okay my daughter is absolutely brilliant and amazing and beautiful and I absolutely love our midnight conversations even when she comes in after I'm already to sleep

and she just wants to talk and I never had that growing up so it's just something that I treasure with her and so it's just one of those things where some of the thoughts that she comes up with are just like they're so opposite to what I thought at her age and I'm not expecting her to be a carbon copy of me

No in fact here's the thing you've been very intentional about intentional about her not becoming a carbon copy of you. Yeah. And so let's celebrate the fact that she's thinking about things. And more importantly, she is knocking on your door at midnight. Yeah. I can't think of a greater gift for a kid than knowing.

I have some crazy thoughts at midnight. I'm going to go talk to my mom. Yeah. That's magic. And to your 16-year-old, if you let her listen to this, good for, keep going to your mom and dad for some of these crazy conversations. Yeah. And you've given your kid, at least your oldest kid, an avenue that is, we're a safe place

for you to land with all of your bananas thoughts, right? And I love that. I love it. I love it. And so, yes, it can, I don't know a parent that has a kid that comes in and is open with them, that they don't go, oh, gosh. And most of that is because we don't remember the thoughts. that we had when we were 16 we think we do but we don't really i have 13 years of journals actually

oh well okay so you may you may actually have them yeah yeah and so you and i both know that we made some really strong proclamations when we were 16 yeah and then reality happened to our life right and i'm guessing you've already had these conversations but i always want when a 16 17 18 year old draws really firm and i would say very specific boundaries i don't want a man's hand on my body yeah the thought of um being next to a man makes me physically ill yeah i am going to ask different questions. Yeah. Has that ever happened before?

Has anyone ever made you feel uncomfortable before? Yep. And no matter how good our relationships are with our kids, it's without a doubt, other than telling somebody that your kid has passed away, which I've had to do, by far the worst is telling parents sitting with a child telling, I mean, it's a child, but they're a teenager or a college student sitting with them telling their parents this happened to me. and the parents literally have no idea. Yeah.

Right. And so if somebody's drawing very specific boundaries, I will have that extra conversation. Yeah. And I will have that. By the way, I've had that with my nine-year-old. I've just been to too many of those meetings, too many of those conversations that I'm going to have those conversations.

Yeah, for sure, for sure. Yeah, we've actually had that sit-down conversation with her at a couple different phases in her life. Great. Amazing. Recently, yeah, recently bringing that up and asking her, has that happened, do you feel uncomfortable around certain men or even women? You know, are there people who make you feel uncomfortable? And have you been touched inappropriately, those types of things?

So, yeah, we have asked those questions. Can I just tell you, dude, you're hitting this out of the park. Oh, my gosh. I feel like I'm failing most days. You know why? Because you're a parent. well no worse i mean men feel like that every second of every day but there's less of the industrial complex that's against men is just like y'all just suck y'all are just the worst the the the industrial

guilt complex that is leaned up against women is you can't win there's no way to win yeah if you talk too much you're going to ruin your kids if you don't talk you're going to ruin your kids why by the way why aren't you working we worked really hard for you to be able to have a full-time job because you're worth is the money you bring in oh you're just going to let other people raise your kids wow what a terrible like you can't win yeah right what i don't want you to do and this is this is me this is the pot talking to the kettle here okay um i don't want our existential angst about our quote unquote performance as parents i don't want our kids to ever feel like they have to hold that up because they can't carry that weight yeah right and so maybe laughingly or cross

or a mixture of both tell our kids every parent feels like they can be doing a better job and all that comes from one thing we just want our kids to grow up and have a great life yeah and it's not your job 16 year old daughter of mine to prop that up for me and you can smile and say i thought that too when i was 16 and then you're dead walked by and oh yeah and she's like gross right yeah Part of it, part of it, right? But, man, you're checking every box I have for a parent who's trying to be the best parent of a 16-year-old young, 16-year-old girl heading into womanhood that I can imagine. You're giving your daughter a real picture of a woman who loves her husband. You're giving her a real picture of, I like it when he kisses me, so there you go.

I like it when he hugs me in the kitchen. And if he's being too gropey, there's a point when it's a point when it's. it gets too much. Oh, yeah. And, like, and there's a point when I like to pull away and go hang out with my girlfriends and, like, and, hey, daughter, no matter what you're going through, I'm a safe place for you. Yeah.

Right. And so I'll speak to your 16 year old. 16 year old, if you're hearing this and there are things you haven't told your mom, if she's a safe person, I want you to talk to her about it. And if she's not, your job as a 16 year old is to find an adult that you trust that you can have some of these conversations with. but beth it sounds like you're crushing it thank you

pretty awesome thank you so much for the call we come back the husband struggles to trust his wife after she bought alcohol for their underage son okay let's get cozy you know that I love adventures

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this show. That's cozy earth.com slash deloni and use code deloney to say 40% off. your bed should be more than just a place to sleep. It should be your happy place. Cozy Earth makes that possible. All right, we're back. Hey, take two seconds real quick, real quick, and subscribe to the show or like the show or do whatever you do on the internet to tell the overlords that you like this show, share it with a friend. It makes such a difference for the algorithms. and for our listeners and just put the show in the hands of more people. And it's for free.

It doesn't cost you anything. It just takes two seconds to your time. Thank you so much for that. It's got to Columbia, South Carolina, and talk to Aeron. What's up, Aaron? Hello, Dr. John. How are you doing today? Doing great, brother.

What's up, man? So recently, I was going through our 19-year-old's bedroom after I had been looking for something else that I was suspecting was coming to the house or that he had received and was hiding. What was that? E.D. pills. So that's basically a completely different rabbit hole. But in the process of looking for those,

I discovered alcohol that he had hidden in the room. discovered a few lower beatbox was one a box of four seagrams but only one bottle was in the bedroom one empty bottle at the time was in the bedroom and a tall boy was in the bedroom as well prior to discovering this. Seagrams and then tall boys? Yes. There was one tall boy, the seagrams. And before this, there had been a seagrams of that same flavor in our refrigerator that had been half consumed. And I asked my wife whose it was and she said it was hers. And so when I found this about a week and a half later, I was like, that's weird. So confronted my son about it was. And, And he said, yep, it was his, and that his mother had bought it for him and that he had then mowed her $10 for it.

And so I brought her into the conversation. I was like, hey, when I asked you whose alcohol this was, you said it was yours. But yet I found this empty bottle here in his closet, and I found the box here in his closet. He said, who, whose was this? She was like, oh, no, I bought it for me. I'm like, but he then made you $10 for this. She's like, no, it was mine. And so then I asked her, so how many did you drink?

She said, one, and then he was like, no, I drank like three of them. So I'm having a really difficult time getting past this. Yeah, you should. Has your wife come clean? No. It's still, the last conversation we had about it was that conversation, and it was hers. And this is the culmination of about 18 years of... I was going to say, this doesn't happen in a vacuum.

She's been doing this your whole life, huh? Yes. Man, I'm sorry. It's one of those things that I just don't know how to continue to move forward in other stresses within our relationship. ship as well so yeah i mean this is just like a it's forget by an alcohol for underage i mean it's just staring you down and line to your face and more importantly line to your face in front of your son so he's getting a ring side seat to what integrity is supposed to look like right so does she dump all this on him like no he just got it and brought it into the house

no she didn't she didn't try to do anything like that um i know but that's that's the that's the sub message here right yes yeah no actually your son our son is a liar right my god dude who does that to their child i don't know bro i'm sorry man tell me other way she's been dishonest with you um I mean, over the, for many years, I mean, pretty much since year one, always wanting to divorce, if anything doesn't go away, I'm the worst person in the world, has accused me of having affairs whenever I worked late. I work in an industry that over the years has required 50, 60 hours a week, if not more sometimes. and would constantly hear, oh, you're having an affair, you're having, I have no time to have an affair, much less keep, keep you happy in the same, at the same time. How many affairs has she had?

None to my knowledge. Almost always, the pervasive accusation comes from the knowledge that they're not being on the up and up on their side. gotcha that's not a hundred percent true but that's one of the first places i always go to look when somebody's accusing like you're taking money you're taking money you're taking money i always want to know like where you spend in your money right because it's a way to try and somehow intellectually it's it's a psychological truism but i need to balance this existentially because i know we're out of balance, and that's how I can do it. I think a lot of those accusations were her family members putting that in her here.

I don't know that it was necessarily things she may have been doing. Okay, can I challenge you on something? Completely wrong. Sure. How long have you been making excuses for her? For the vast majority of our marriage. That's right. And so that's, I mean, this is me just loving you the best I can, man.

That's, that's your choice moving forward. Sure. Is I'm going to ask my 19-year-old to move out because it's not a, it's not a safe place. Forget the fact she bought him some wine colors for crying out loud. It's not a safe place because he's in the home of somebody who is a pathological liar and who is willing to throw him on. under the bus. Right?

Right. It's the reason I would tell my son if he was 19, hey, don't be alone with X, Y, and Z person, not because I think you're going to do something, but because you're going to be indefensible if they do something. Right. And it's you protecting your son. It's time for you to move out. You're 19.

It's time for you to go get your own place, get a job, and get going. Yeah. Because this house isn't safe for you, because your mom will throw you under the bus here. Right. And that's the point we're trying to get him to do, is to get him to finish his GED done to get to start in a career of some sort. He is working. I know, but why in the world would he do that? He's got it made.

Right. He's got a safety net of his mom and I. Right. He's got your money and her cover. Right. I mean, he's not going to suddenly just develop integrity. Right. like that's got to be earned under the squat rack of life and that only comes from the weight of responsibility

yeah but that's not what you called i mean that you can either for the first time in 18 years or longer say i'm not going to make excuses for you anymore or you can continue to continue to say this is my life and i'm going to keep the peace here and we're just going to let him move out and we're going to go on to the next thing yeah and i'm just good i'm going to tell you right now brother i'm brokenhearted for you man yeah because that's that's the reality i feel like i'm coming to is do i do i take the next step and say okay this this has been 18 years and it's time for me to time for me to move on and then I am possibly able to give our other kids the ability to say, hey, I'm stepping away and y'all can have a safe place here, here at my place,

or? I think the place to start, I think the place to start is only with I statements. I have made excuses and honestly I have been equally dishonest for 18 years just on the other side of the coin I have permitted myself to be in a relationship with somebody that accuses me that threatens me that lies about me lies to me lies about my kids and on and on and my guess is you're being you're you're holding a firm line of dignity because as you were probably to unload all of it on me on this it would be a lot, wouldn't it? I could take up an entire hour, if not more.

I know you could. I know. And it breaks, that's to say, I'm heartbroken for you. But I want you, as you decide what to do next, I don't want it to be in response to you've been doing these things to me for 18 years. And that's the easy path. But that's always you running from something, not towards something. I want you to run to a life of lived integrity.

Meaning, I am going to look in the mirror and I am going to say, I have dishonestly covered for you for 18 years. And then that ends today. Right. And then through that new lens, that new pair of glasses you're going to put on, which is, I'm not lying for you. I'm not making up excuses for you. I'm not allowing my home to be filled with deception. I'm putting my foot down there. Then you get to decide what is next because that's you going towards something.

Correct. and there is no easy path forward because she will try to crucify you, right? Right. You'll be the bad guy, you'll be the guy that walked out on our family, your dad's horrible and all that stuff. And probably you've been dealing with that

for a long time anyway, right? Correct. Yeah. And it will be very hard to stay. And so it's just, about choose your hard and in five years from now what does peace look like and how do we get there how many kids do you have three how old are they um my stepson is 19 um our daughter's uh 18 and our youngest son is 15 okay so you're right in the middle of it but you're watching you're watching

a lifetime of this interaction this is when you start to see it crystallize, right? And materialize into oh, they're becoming adults and I'm seeing this stuff replay itself, right? Yep. Yeah. The shield I thought I could provide is not as big as it

as I hoped it would have been. Yeah. Because it's in the air, right? It's the air people breathe and it's in a home or it's the water everybody drinks. It's just there, right? Right. The tension and the air. the deception and all that if you choose to leave you're you're making a choice and actually i'm going to say that from this point forward i want you to shift your mind you're thinking to 10 years

from now who is my 19 year old stepson going to be when he's 29 because you're going to face an onslaught of mom if you draw the line you're who is my 15 year old stepson daughter going to be at 25 right or son i forgot who's who but like you instantly go into a 10 year game and you're going to live your life with such dignity and respect and such full integrity that they will get the sense over time oh my dad wasn't nuts but there will also come a moment when they're going to look at you and say why didn't you protect us and it's just it's just knowing that day coming right and i would start with my 19 year old now i refuse to let your mother throw you under the bus in our house i'm sorry she should not do that but she's calling you a liar

and i don't want to have that yeah did he show you the venmo receipt he did not i didn't i didn't ask what okay i would i'd want to know you know you You know what I mean? Yeah. Because maybe he's learned from mom's deception over the years. I'm just trying to play devil's advocate to myself, but maybe he got busted. Right. And he's like, no, no, mom bought it for me.

And she's like, what are you talking about? I don't I didn't. Sounds like your gut knows that to be true, but I'd want to see the receipt. Yeah. He, back last year, we had a big blowout between she and I, and she'd asked me to leave, and after that took place. He texted me and said, hey, you might want to check the bank account. And she had taken every dime out of the account and when we had bills coming up to be paid.

Yeah, you got a mess, man. I'm sorry. Yes, sir. Yeah. And for whatever it's worth, this may be small people. potatoes here but you've developed a relationship with this 19 year old that he's willing to there's a sense in a in a 19 year old that of loyalty it's a real important thing and he overrode his sense of loyalty to his birth mom to tell you hey she's not being on the up and up

and that that tells me you've done a lot to create some sort of a relationship with him which is great yeah i think i've been about the only stable person in his life yeah since he since i was been in his license as he's not months old that's awesome well kudos to you brother thank you and i'm never going to beat somebody up retroactively for trying to keep a family together right that's hard man and you've probably got windburn and scars all over your body for trying to keep that that thing together right absolutely yeah so kudos to you ma'am thank you however i can help moving forward brother i don't have a great answer for you other than whatever path you choose is going to be challenging one and i just my my my ask of you

is um don't sacrifice the long-term peace in your life and in those kids life um for a short-term peace right for the illusion of peace for a short-term arms agreement right um and protect yourself as you move forward. Absolutely. Right? Man, blessings, brother. Call any time if I can help. Kind of heartbroken.

I mean, I'm kind of. I am. I'm going to sit here and mourn it with you. And, yeah, that's all I'll say. Blessing's moving forward, man. Call me anytime. We'll be right back. All right, it's time for a quick word about delete me.

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So this show, we record it a month out, you know, three or four weeks out. Right now, I've got family, I've got friends who are just sorting through this flooding disaster that's happened in my home state of Texas. And if some of y'all, you know, the news cycle moved so fast and may as already blown by all this stuff. But I've just been glued to the news and to my phone and to my friends as they've been undergoing rescue efforts and trying to find those little girls that ultimately they weren't able to find and hearing the stories of heroism that's popped up all over the place. and even to i've got family members that that i mean are right now their house is completely gutted and they're trying to figure out what's up and what's down it's just been a nightmare um i just got to say this my wife was in the car on the way home to go to one of our family

members and just help them begin i mean it's it's everything from laying out photo albums to they got to pull every piece of sheetrock out of everything and every appliance is gone and maybe the house will make it maybe all that stuff and she was driving and the first stop out of Nashville is three hours away she stopped in Memphis to get some gas and need some coffee and the guy's like where you head and she said I'm headed to Texas and he said oh my do you have family there and she said yeah I'm going to see my family and the guy said you're not you're not paying for this coffee and he said um thank you for going down there to help them out anything I can do but he gave her my wife free coffee and she said she just started crying at the register

and said thank you and then out of nowhere a friend venmoed some money and then people from church showed up with a refrigerator they could plug in down in the shop and down back that only got eight inches of water instead of a foot or whatever and then these stories come in my buddy's wife and daughter were stuck in a lake house on top of a hill and they medevacked out the the elderly mother but there has just been story after story of kind amazing good people all all over the country, sending money, putting their life on the line, giving free coffee, cutting somebody a deal. My wife just texted and said, hey, if you can say publicly, the guy who showed up with the throwaway bin

just waived the fee for my family members and let him throw away out like a couple of tons worth of appliances and furniture or stuff's just trashed. I mean, here's a thing. our media outlets are just full of politics and hate and anger and rage and blame it took about two seconds for this thing to get political let me just tell you there are so many freaking good people out there who are giving away coffee who are showing up with hammers who are stopping work and taking off who are opening up their checking accounts whatever they can do can i just tell you there's kind wonderful people every freaking corner of this place of this country we live in of neighborhoods that you live in, they are everywhere. And so here's my challenge.

Turn off the negativity and the madness and just know they're good people and go be that good person. Just get online and find someplace where you can send 15 bucks, help out the person across the street, show up with a casserole, just Venmo a buddy some money and say,

hey, I just think about you today, I love you, here's some coffee, go get some coffee. Go be that kind person out in the world. I'm telling you, because I'm watching it play out in real time in my family's life, in my friend's life, in my old community's life, there are great, wonderful people freaking everywhere. We've been sold a bill of goods that everyone is bad,

and they're not. They're not. So thank you all for everyone who's shown up, who've prayed for all these families, who are going to sit with people for years after this madness and this grief and horror. And thank you for everybody who is just deciding I'm going to turn the news off

and I'm going to show up in my neighborhoods and my communities, and I'm going to be that kind. helping person as the great fred rogers mr rogers once said look for the helpers and if you're looking around there's no helpers then go be the helper i love you guys and i'm proud to be a part of communities that show up for each other i love you guys y'all have a good one bye