The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Had a Psychotic Break

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman worried about holding her family together after her husband’s psychotic break - A man unsure of how to have a relationship with his unfaithful father - A woman coping with the aftermath of being hit by a truck Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. So four years ago, I was a cyclist hit by a truck. Oh, no. It's very, very injuries. Yeah. How can I rebuild my resilience when time and obligations keep beating me down? How honest can I be with you? Very.

You're not going to like it, Chantel. What is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. My favorite mental health and relationship and marriage and parenting podcast. I would hope it's actually not even my favorite. There's a couple others that are way better. But I'm so glad. Kelly's like, what are you talking about?

This is my show. Hey, I'm so glad that you're with us. Here's the premise of the show. Real people going through real stuff in real time. And my promise is I'll sit with you and I'll walk alongside you as we figure out what's the next right move. What's the next thing we're going to do here? And it could be around your mental health diagnostics.

It could be around dealing with trauma, dealing with loss, dealing with marriage issues, with parenting, whatever's going on in your world. My promise is I'll tell you the truth and we'll walk alongside each other. If you want to be on this show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, johndeloney.com slash ask. And, um, man, I'd love you having a show, leave a, write it, write a message,

write, write a, uh, what's going on in your life. And it goes to Jenna and Kelly, and then they will get you on the show. All right, let's go out to Edmonton,

Canada and talk to Elaine. What's up Elaine. Um, the sky. Well, well played Elaine. Well played. I hope that felt good. Hope that. What's up. What's up. Well, well played, Elaine. Well played. I hope that felt good.

Hope that. What's up? What's up? Well, so my husband recently had a psychotic break, ended up in a mental facility for a couple of weeks. He's now out. How do I help him work through some of the craziness of that time and how do I and our kids deal with what happened? Yikes, it's scary.

Tell me about it. What happened? It's okay. Take a breath. Take a breath. You're all good. Did it happen in your home? Sort of. Hold on. I just want to acknowledge for everybody, if you've never been around this, if you've never seen somebody you care about, have a psychotic break, or if you've never been with somebody, it's terrifying.

Right? It's like out of a movie. Scary, scary, scary stuff. And you see the person that you love and care about right in front of you, and they are gone. And it is scary, right? Yeah, like one of the nurses in the first

second hospital we went to, like, you just can't make this stuff up. Like, you just can't. Hey, do me a favor, Elaine. Talk directly into the phone for me, okay? That's okay. That's good. Yeah, no, I have it away from my ear. So, yeah, so he, there's been a lot of stressors over the last few years, but

particularly in the last couple months. And so, like, I would say it was brought on by lack of sleep. You talk about how important sleep is. I cannot stress that enough. In the end, he was sleeping maybe between one and a half to three hours a night, living on caffeine and energy drinks. Not a good thing. Yeah, that's a tough... That's tough for your body to handle.

Yeah, and, you know, so give a little bit of history. He lost his job due to COVID at the end of 21, got another job in 22, ended up getting laid off from that one in January of 23, and had just started a new job in March. And it was a good job, but very, very stressful. He enjoyed it, but like I say, there was a lot of stress around it. And that was just one of multiple things. And Canada has been particularly difficult over the last few years, right? Yeah, we won't even go there.

Some psychotic breaks are brought on by like a schizophrenic diagnostic, right? It's not the diagnosis that does it, but you have a schizophrenic mind. Or you've got some alterations in your neurochemistry in your brain, right? Other psychotic breaks are brought on by you don't sleep for two months and you live off adenosine antagonists. You live off caffeine and it makes you – it alters the reality of your brain, right? And one day you wake up and it's your – you've – an ugly way of saying is that you snapped, right? And your body checks out. It loses touch with reality over time. And there's a long spectrum in between that. But what's important is also

there's a context. There's an ecosystem where this is all taking place. And we often forget that, right? It's like the couple who calls or the mom who calls and says, my marriage is falling apart. And then they tell me they have four kids under the age of seven. Well, it's like, well, it's not your marriage that's falling apart. Your house is insane. And so being a candidate over the last three years

has been really, really hard. And if you are listening to this going, what, I don't know anything about that. Just go back and check it out. There's been all this government clash. If you think California is bad, what Canada's had to endure has been madness. And you put that on top of a bunch of job loss, on top of, on top of, on top of, and now you got a recipe, right?

For you lose your husband. So when he went to the psych ward, staying at a ward for two weeks tells me there was some pretty significant things going on. That wasn't just a three-day, get some sleep and get some food in you and let's get you a treatment plan at home. What was going on? Well, going into that, the last, I would say I noticed things going off the rails for him the last week before. But of course, we've never been through this before. We've been married almost 36 years. So it's not like, you know, I didn't know him or anything. And so, yeah, the last week things started getting very odd, very weird. And then he went to, on the weekend, it was, things started really going off the rails. He kind of lost it on me, which in a way that isn't normal for him whatsoever. But when he got to the hospital, did they give him a diagnosis of anything?

Well, no. See, he left work early on the Monday, and then he was talking to me on the phone, and then he kind of went off the grid. We had no idea where he was. Okay. Eventually, he was climbing on a ledge and stuff in a car wash, and so they called 911 and the cops, and he had no ID on him. He got to the hospital, and I'm looking all over for him. I thought I knew where he'd gone but he hadn't

got there up to this remote place where he wanted just some time alone. And so he was in the hospital for about two hours I think before I got a call. And then when I got there he had been sedated. And when he came to, he was mostly himself, like not 100%, obviously. The doctor came in, talked to him for a bit. Originally, they said they were going to have a psych eval done,

and then he released him to me because he was doing so well. The moment he said they were going to release him, he started going off a little bit. But we went home and, you know, knowing that sleep is an issue, he went to sleep. And then, this sounds really odd, but he'd been walking around in the field for like three hours before that and so just as he went to sleep discovered some ticks and so like the insect

and so started dealing with that and of course then he woke up and he started panicking it's not safe it's not safe can't be right it's not safe and our one son lives just we have an acreage but we're on the edge of town and our son lives basically a couple doors down and he took off running and went to his house so ultimately he was put back in the hospital for

an extended stay did they give him a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, of schizophrenia? It would be strange to be this late, but they ultimately just said he needed some sleep, burned himself out completely, just detached from reality for a while? They did toss around bipolar a little bit, but it doesn't really stick, the diagnosis, because it's not going back, right? Right. Well, tell me, I'm trying to get to how I can help you now. So when they discharged him, what did they tell you?

Well, that's a very difficult question to answer because I was never allowed to actually meet with the doctors. Did he not sign a release? it's a very difficult question to answer because I was never allowed to actually meet with the doctors. Did he not sign a release? He signed a release, but I don't think it says in there anything about bipolar. Well, so here's, here's step one.

Okay. If, if he is on the same page with you, is he on the same page with you? Yes. Okay. If he is on the same page with you, is he on the same page with you? Yes. Okay. He needs to contact his mental health provider, the doctors who are with him. And I don't know how Canada's system works. They would have given you a social worker here in the States to help you navigate everything. So whenever one of my students would go into a psych ward,

I would go sit and the first person I would talk to is the social worker who helps them navigate all the different doctors and people coming in and out. And have him sign a release that says, I need you to tell my wife everything that you found and to walk her through what my next steps can be. So she can be, and here's the magic word, she can be an advocate for me. And yeah, I, I did, was able to talk with a social worker involved. Um, but when I would start asking some of the more medical side of things, uh, she wasn't as clear as what I could have hoped for. So he did sign a release when he was there so that I could get information and our all those funds as well. Okay. Um,

so I would re, I would reestablish a meeting with her now that he's been home for a little bit and ask her some very pointed questions. Very direct. Um, how many hours a night should he sleep? Should he have access to the internet? Is,

is caffeine completely off the table? Like, make them, with as kind as you can be, make them give you an outpatient treatment protocol. And that's the magic words, outpatient treatment protocol. You are his advocate. You're walking alongside him. And they might say he needs to go see a counselor. He's had a lot of job loss, which is very tough. He's had a very tough run of it the last few years. And so what we're going to do is the first thing we're going to do is we're going to come up with the plan. The second thing is both you and him have to recognize the free fall terror that is losing control of your own body

it's scary to see that in yourself to think i did what i did all those things and the police are describing where they got you and you have no memory of that you don't know what you're talking about um or he has a little bit of a memory and it terrifies him. And then for you, he's your rock. He's the guy. And if he can suddenly find himself climbing on top of a car wash and not know how he got there, the question, suddenly the sidewalk you walk on, it becomes very thin ice, right? It's hard to put your foot down. I don't want to set him off. I don't want to do the wrong thing. What do I say? What do I do? See what I'm saying?

Does that sound right? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So if you have this plan together, the second step is y'all build a new marriage. How long? 36 years in? Is that what you said? In a couple of weeks.

Yep. This is a couple weeks.m. And y'all just sit on the front porch and talk to each other and play cards and whatever. You might become people who take walks every day. And y'all are both in bed with the lights out at 9 o'clock. And you used to never be there. You used to be out dancing. Well, this is a new thing we're building now. Do you see what I'm saying?

And give him a content. We're a couple who every night we check in with each other. How are you feeling today? What are you thinking today? And you just give each other a few minutes of space to talk. So normally the things that are highly, highly therapeutic, kind of a dramatic word, are healing at home after these moments

are things like skin-to-skin contact. Things like I want to hold your hand for 30 seconds every morning and I want to hold your hand 30 seconds when you get home from work. I just want to hold you. Can I just hug you for 30 seconds and we'll count it out? The reason I'm hesitating to give you anything like that is that might be what sets off his psychosis. And so without looking at the doctor's report,

I don't want to give you a bunch of things to do. I think the key will be him having the courage to tell you what he needs on a given day and you having the bravery and courage to listen to him and then to love him. And here's the hard part. You tell him what you need. Don't treat him with a glass slipper. Do the opposite. Give him some purpose and a role inside that house and it will anchor him. See what I'm saying? And that's hard right now.

It's very hard because you want to touch everything with a velvet glove, right? You want to be very careful not to set anything off. And if I just say the wrong thing or move the wrong thing, and what that does is that puts his body back on high alert because the one anchor he's got is you and you're acting different you're acting scared and anxious and and so it just becomes this this repeating cycle here whereas you say hey i love you and and when you take the trash out can you help me out that can be such a gift. See what I'm saying? Yeah. Like right now, like we, we've had some of those discussions, you know, where I've told

him like, I'm on high alert for him. Right. Because I don't ever want to go down this path again. He doesn't want to go down this path again. Um, it was pretty traumatic to stay in there. That's right. Terrifying in there. That's right. Terrifying in there, yes. Yeah, as he says, it's a very dark place. Yes, it's a scary, dark place.

It is. There's good that has come of it already in terms of, you know, him understanding more, being more compassionate toward people who are dealing with stuff like that. Yeah, but that's all external. He needs to be very compassionate with him.

Yeah, and I think he's finally getting there to where he is being more open with himself. And, you know, I've listened to your show for quite a while and you talk about, you know, asking your spouse, what do you need from me? And I have asked that over and over and he often says, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And I've noticed he's starting to be able to say those things this is what i need right now and so let me say this and this is for you and for everybody and that's awesome and you kept in here here's an important thing you kept showing up and you kept showing up and you kept showing up most people will say what do you need today i don't know man i don't know

hey how can i love you today i don't know and they never ask again and that's not you you kept showing up you kept showing up you kept showing up and eventually when he realized oh i need a lot you were there because you had laid us you laid it like a brick road that he could walk on also if the question what do you need what do you need after a week after weeks, if they don't have an answer to that, maybe ask a different question. Put your hand on his chest and say, where are you tense today? Where are you anxious today? Is it in your shoulders? Is it in your chest? Is it in your forearms?

Like, where is it today? Is it on your feet? And tell him where it is on you. And here's what we're doing. We're getting to the base layer. Because sometimes, and I'm guilty of this, sometimes we turn what do you need today, what do you need today in a transaction of activity.

What do you need today? Well, I need this, this, and this. All right, I'll do those three things. What do you need today? I need this, this, and this. All that is great, but that sits, that's not the base layer. That sits on top of, I see you, and I'm with you, and I'm here for you. And those three things are so grounding, and it makes it very challenging for a body to be

in chaos when it is connected with other people in that rooted way And so it may be what do you need today? What do you need today? What do you need today, man? Where are you? So maybe you shift the question. Where are you scared today? What are you scared about today? What do you really give me one thing? You got to give me one thing you're really excited about today. What is one hot romantic thing we can do today? You get one and I get one. What is one physical activity we can do today? Like begin to branch it out a little bit and give him some, um, some cues there. But all of this, let's be clear, all of this is going to stem from all of these activities at home are going to stem from you going back

to the social worker and really pressing on an outpatient treatment plan. What, based on y'all's expertise, all these doctors and all these tests and two weeks in a psych ward, well, I don't know how it is in Canada.

In the US, it would be very expensive because there would be a million different professionals that came in and out of there. In y'all's expertise, what are some things that my husband needs? And you and him go away and just dream together. We got scared. We got scared. Whoa, we made it. We're here. We're back. Here's my promise to you, Elaine. Walking around all tents, arms clenched, hands clenched, chest clenched, heart clenched

is a recipe for a very anxious house. And the goal here is to create a non-anxious house. Okay, non-anxious house. So hang on the line here. I'm going to send you two decks of both of the couples questions for humans. And this is just something you and him can do. Y'all can make a ritual out of it. And there's 52 cards in each deck. This can get you 104 days. And every day you can just sit down and agree to do one card together over, uh, cause they over coffee,

probably not over, over warm, warm water and chamomile tea But y'all can have this conversation together and it's and again, we are bridging back to one another We're going to follow this treatment plan and we're going to figure out creative ways to ask each other. How can I love you today? What does that look like? What does it feel like? What does that taste like? How can I love you today? He is really really lucky to have you. Elaine, I know this is a scary, scary, scary season. And I hate that for y'all. If you've never been to a psych ward, folks, it is a scary, dark place.

It's scary when you lose trust in your own body. It's scary when you lose trust in the person who is the anchor of the family. And this is the moment when you can do one of two things. You can walk away from the collapse of the building, or y'all can exhale and be sad and grieve it, and then ask yourselves, what are we going to build next? We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though

is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family,

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All right, we're back. Let's go to Eric in Winchester. What's up, Eric? How you doing, Dr. John? Partying, E-Money. What are you up to? Oh, not much. Just taking my break at work.

There you go. What's up, man? How can I help? I just want to say before we start, I want to say thank you because over the last few months, you've really been

a big factor in my personal development and I appreciate you taking my call today. Well, I'm grateful for you listening, man. And never forget, I'm just a clown

on a podcast or on YouTube, man. You're the one actually having to make hard choices every day. So props to you, brother. It's awesome. So what's happening? I got one that's pretty big today and it's something I've kind of been stuck on, but I really need some, some advice. All right. Hey, do me a favor.

Talk directly into your phone. Okay. Can you hear me now, sir? Perfect. That's awesome. Fantastic. So, um, over the course of my life, my, uh, my father has not been the best husband to my mother. He's constantly, you know, been, I'd say disrespectful towards her. And he's always had extra marital things going on. Um, and it's kind of, as I've gotten older and I've had a son, there are things that he's done that I've vowed to never do. And they've kind of become part of a moral code for me, like cheating, lying. Those are two really big things for me that are absolute no-goes. So my question is today is that I'm at a crossroads where I'm trying to figure out if I should remove my father from my life because of the way he treats my mother or if I should stay out of their marriage problems.

I think there's a third option. I think that if you weaponize your son as a way to intervene in their marriage, that's a no-go. That's a way to get your kid burned. That's just a way to get your mom in more mess. If you choose to only have men of character in your son's life, then you can look at your dad and he has opted out of your son's life because of the way he's chosen to live. And so that's a different proposition. If you, this would be a very difficult conversation to have, but if you sat down and looked across the table and said, dad,

and by the way, I would use very specific language, not, you know, you've had some extramarital thing. You've cheated on my mom. And I will never know what was going on behind closed doors. I don't know how she treated you behind closed. I mean, I don't know any of that stuff. I know you cheated on my mom over and over and over again. I know you don't tell the truth all the time. And I'm committed to having only men in my son's life who are men of character And now the choice is on you You could have that call that conversation with your old man. It would be a powerful conversation. It probably will not go well um

But man, it would be one where you would walk real tall And if you just especially if you did it in a respectful dignified way not on the back end of a fight like oh y'all are four bush tall boys into a fight and you're like oh you i tell you don't do it like that but if you went down and had a man-to-man conversation it could be pretty incredible but if you say you can't see my grandson until you treat my mom right then then you're using your son as a pawn, and now it's just going to make a mess. Yeah, I completely understand.

I decided to call in to ask you for your opinion because I consulted with other men that I consider of integrity and high value, and it was kind of a split decision. One of the men that I consulted with, they suggested to not get involved in marriage problems that are, you know, that I'm not a part of the marriage. And then another individual that I consulted with, he'd said that if you've made a commitment to only, only allowing certain types of people in your life, whether they're your parent or not, does not justify or excuse their behavior.

And that's where it's been really conflicting with me because with my friends or cousins or whoever, if you cheat on your spouse or your girlfriend or boyfriend, whoever it may be, there is something inside me that says, well, if you're not going to tell them, I am. And if I lose your relationship, if I lose a relationship with you because of it, then I'm okay with that. And my dad's kind of been the exception for so long because he's my dad. And it does not feel right anymore it's never felt right but it just feels like our relationship is broken and wounded because of these decisions and he's actually taken me with him when i was younger um when he was doing when he was doing, when he was cheating on my mother before. And that was honestly... Go ahead.

That was honestly the hardest thing to unpack. And actually, your show actually helped me unpack that because for a long time, it was really hard to accept that he had did that. And then two days later, I had to go see my mom. And basically, I'm so compelled at 13 to lie to her that you know basically cover up for him you know yeah i i'm nervous about you channeling that inner pain what your dad did to you sucks man what your dad did to you is is immoral and it's wrong. And like you said, a grown-up

put a 13-year-old in a very precarious position. And now, how old are you? I'm 28, sir. You're 28, man. You're still beating up that 13-year-old for not having more courage. You gotta lay off that 13-year-old, man. That was tough.

That was madness. Because you know as well as I do, you can look back now and be like, I should have done this, I should have done this. But you're looking back now through a 28-year-old man's body. That 13-year-old would have got his head knocked off. Or if he didn't, mom might have. And so you got to let that 13-year-old off the hook because what's happening is you're turning into Batman. You're turning into a vigilante. And you are playing God over other people's relationships. My rule of thumb is if I've got somebody in my life that has an ongoing affair with somebody, I am choosing to not be around them.

If somebody opts me into this conversation, let's say, I'll make up something. A close buddy of mine, let's say he's cheating on somebody for a long, long time. He's got a year affair going on with somebody at work. And his wife calls me and said, I think something's going on. I know you love my husband. I know y'all are close, but I feel like something's wrong. Something's going off the rails. What I would do is I would

call my buddy and say, your wife has brought me into this and she's somebody I care for and be willing to lay down my life for as well because she's in our gang, you got 48 hours because I'm not going to lie to your wife. But if she doesn't bring me into that, I'm not going to go around

nuking things because I have this inner 13-year-old that is so pissed at himself for not defending his mom over 15 years ago. But I am going to opt out of relationship with that person. I'm not going to hang out with that guy.

Cause I don't hang out with guys like that. Yeah. And you see how, you see how in my voice, how simple it is. You know what I mean? It's just an, it's just an opt out.

And if one of my buddies screwed up and had a one night stand or found himself like head over heels for somebody for a month at work, I would sit with him, man. I'm not going to abandon you in that. But also, if somebody's having an affair for over a year, they would know, they know me, right? They're my friend. They know what my opinion is going to be on that. They know I'm not going to mince words about that. And so, that's number one. Number two is, this is hard for what I'm about to say, okay?

But your mom didn't invite you into this. If your mom had called you and said, I need help, your dad's out of control. That's one thing. But you are deciding I'm going to out-adult my mom. And she has had her reasons over the years for staying with a guy that cheats on her all the time. She's had her reasons for staying with a scumbag for all these years. Do you know what those reasons are? She tells me it's because she loves him

and they've been together for so long that she can't see herself being with anybody else. I hate what I'm about to tell you. But she gets to make that choice. She's an adult. That's what, that's what one of the individuals that the individual that I talked to about standing out of it.

That's what he said. She's a grownup. Your choice is as another grownup, what are me and my house going to do? Who are we going to be? And that's a harder conversation. It's actually easier in a way to throw grenades. Because the explosion is over there.

It's somewhere else. And you can feel very self-righteous in doing so because there's harm being done. But if someone doesn't invite you in, someone doesn't look at you and say, help. Then it's kind of, it's madness. And then've got to deal with your own home. And that hurts, man. It's a bummer. She's coming to me often, asking me things, asking what I should do or asking for advice, but she did not open this particular door. I opened it.

And now that we're talking about it, as much as I want, I feel like you were right. I feel like I was, I was weaponizing the relationship with my dad and my son, because I feel like that's something he would do. And I think. You see how it happened. You see how it happens without us realizing it. Yeah. because I feel like that's something he would do. There you go. You see how it happens without us realizing it? Yeah.

Your old man weaponized you against your mom when he was out carousing. Yeah, that's for sure. In a very similar context, you have taken your son and put him right in the same line. It's just a different line. And your dad, I promise you, has some moral reason. He has convinced himself, however delusional and deranged it is, he's convinced himself, well, she never does this,

and she's always doing this, and so I work hard. I need a little fun on the side every once in a while. He's got a reason. And then strangely and weirdly, and this is how family trauma just rolls downhill without us even realizing it. Yeah, and that's what I'm trying. That's what I'm trying to stop.

I'm trying to, I've already committed that. I've forgiven my dad for what he's done. Like, I don't beat him up ever. I don't bring him up. I don't ask him for an apology. Because the thing is, it's like, I've heard, you know, things. So, like, there's nothing that can really be done about the past. Like, an apology is not going to help.

Well, an apology would go a long way. If your old man called you and said, I was wrong, I was wrong, I'm sorry, that would be huge. And he meant I was wrong, I'm sorry. That'd be huge. And he meant it. Like, make no mistake. That would be therapeutic in a way that would be hard to describe. But I want you to pay very close attention

to the world you've created. Can I be super direct with you? Is that cool? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you have, in protecting the tiny cocoon That is your wife And you have one kid or two kids How many kids you got?

Well, I'm not married Okay, okay I have one son He's four years old Okay, so you got you and your son You against the world, right? And you've decided I am not going to be a guy that cheats

I'm not I'm not going to be a guy that lies I'm not But I am going to be a guy that cheats. I'm not. I'm not going to be a guy that lies. I'm not. But I am going to tell anytime I see it anywhere around me, I'm going to pick up the phone. I'm going to pick up my social media. I'm going to tell their spouse. I'm going to tell their girlfriend. I'm going to tell everybody. And in a weird way, you've repeated your dad's insistence on blowing up families. You've just decided to do it to other people instead of your own.

But the impulse is the exact same. And so healing looks like, A, true forgiveness. And you haven't forgiven your old man because that 13-year-old is still playing Batman out there. Number one, you got to let your old man go. And that doesn't mean washing your hands of it. He was terrible to you. And I don't like talking bad about people's

parents, but your dad was rough on you, man. Put you through the worst. And the second thing is, instead of being somebody who blows up other people's marriages for the sake of, for value and for right, I'm going to be a guy that will do whatever it takes for people I know and love to help them keep things together because I'm a unifier, not a blower upper. You see the difference there? I do.

And it's kind of, there's, there's one thing where you said where it's kind of conflicting, so I'm hoping you can kind of help me elaborate a little bit. You got it. About blowing up other family or other marriages. Like, to me, it feels like if they didn't make those decisions, that it's not me blowing it up, it's them blowing it up.

They are, but you don't get a vote. Yeah. It's almost as though you are running around looking for places to insert righteousness into it. And they didn't ask you for that.

That makes you a vigilante. The greatest gift you can give is to be an epicenter of such outrageous, insane peace that when, not if, but when things get off the rails

in your friend's marriages, when things get off the rails in your friend's lives, they go to one person. They instantly, something goes sideways. Like, I got to call Eric. I'm over my head. I'm about to respond to this text. I'm about to DM this person.

I got to call Eric. And if they create worlds where don't tell Eric, don't tell Eric, hey, don't invite Eric because Eric's going to be on radar alert looking for who's screwing up per his judgment. That's not the influence. That's the influence your old man has. But an influence of, now everybody knows where Eric stands. And everybody

knows that Eric loves his son like we've never seen a father love a son ever. That guy's always hugging that kid. That guy's always kissing that kid. That guy's always looking him in the eyes and saying, thank God almighty that I get to be your dad. Never seen anything like it.

And then when their marriage is getting in trouble, they holler at you. You see the difference, man? Yeah. It's a total shift. It's a total shift. So I kind of,

I have a question about that. Because during this conversation, it's kind of felt like a big, it feels like a big, you know, suitcase of anger has been taken off my shoulders. But at the same time, it's like, I just really want to treat my mom a lot better, and I'm just not sure how to do it, if it's even my place to do it. So now you're talking. So you're a kind of guy that honors his mom

beyond what even makes sense. You're not a guy that tries to fix her marriage because she's a grown woman. She can do whatever she wants. But you're a son. Do you all live in the same town? I'm sorry? Do you all live in the same town? Yes. Okay. You are a son. This is an identity. I'm a son who takes my mom on a breakfast date with me and her grandson once a week. We never miss. I'm a guy who once a week on Friday evenings, me and my four-year-old son, we make a

card out of construction paper and glue and whatever, wood, nails. We make grandma one present a week, 52 presents a year. And now your identity isn't, I'm a guy that makes sure every marriage is perfect, even though you got a kid and you're not married, right? I'm going to make sure every, that's not my identity. My identity is I'm going to honor my mom to the point where she has to look in the mirror and say, oh my goodness, this is what love looks like. I am worth more than this. And that's what you can control. The relationship from your side to your mom.

You can control your identity. You see the difference there, man? Yeah, I definitely do. My mom and I, we've had a rocky relationship, especially when I was a teenager. Of course. You know, classic guys, when you're 18,

19, you think you know everything. Yes. You know, honestly, the best thing for her and I ever was when I moved out of state and then I moved back a few years later,

her and I, we grew a lot closer every time. There's a great, I think it's a Mark Twain quote, which is, when I was 14, my dad was the stupidest man on the planet. I'm butchering the quote, but when I was 14, my dad was the dumbest man on the planet. And then when I came back home at the age of 21,

I was stunned at how much my dad had learned in seven years. Right? You got some sense and got some wisdom and i got i got some bad news for you the bad news is as knuckleheaded as you were at 18 and 19 and you're 28 and you can see that with such wisdom and clarity my promise is that doubles when you're 38 looking back at 28 year old self, the things you think are right and perfect. And this is the way at 28. I promise when you turn 40, you're like, Ooh man, I was way off,

way off. And I want to take what you mentioned that, that suitcase of anger. When you are at a party and you are hyper vigilantly, is that a way to say that? Scanning the room to make sure everybody's doing right You know who that pains and hurts? You

It's exhausting All the energy you spent trying to fix your parents' marriage That they didn't ask you to fix All the energy you spent being pissed off at your dad for all these years That just weighs down you It doesn't change their behavior It doesn't fix their marriage It just weighs down you

And you got a four year old little boy That's looking up at you at all times Absorbing you And his one question is Why is dad so angry all the time? Why is dad so angry? It must be me. I'm going to try to fix it.

I need him to see me because if he can just see me, he won't be so angry. And that's how this thing goes in a cycle and a cycle and a cycle and a cycle. And I have no doubt in my mind, Eric, you're going to be the guy that breaks that cycle for your family.

You're going to break it. Stops with me, which means I don't carry anger anymore, except for one or two or three very big hills that I'm going to die on. I'll die on those every time. No question about it. But when it comes to the guy who was just driving down the road when I was getting here this morning with a ponytail and he's got license plates that are vanity plates that said Hollywood and he cut me off, my first impulse just started laughing. A few years ago, my first impulse would have been, I'm going to smash the back of your car and create a huge pileup. I'll show you. And of course, I was just talking crap and I wouldn't do any of those things. And by the time

I got to work, I would be real close to a stroke slash heart attack slash diarrhea. All three of them. My body would just be like, we're just going to shut everything down. So all I have to say is this, stop torturing my friend, Eric. My friend, Eric has, is an amazing guy. He's done some amazing things and he's making some extraordinary changes. Stop carrying the anger. Stop carrying the anger. Be very intentional.

I want you to write down your new identities. I'm a guy who is about keeping marriages together, not making sure that they're all right. I'm a guy who will honor his mom.

I'm a guy who will create a peaceful, non-anxious home for my son. Now you're talking family tree changing ways of being. And on the line, I'm gonna send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. I want you to read that, brother. And that will walk you through all that crap you've been through

and then give you a path out, my man. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks,

I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves.

If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go out to, let's go back to Canada and talk to Chantel with a pretty face. What's up, Chantel? Hi, how are you?

Partying. What are you up to? Not partying. I'm not either. I just lied to you. I just straight lied to you on my show. Sorry, I'm not. I'm just at work.

Let's figure it out, dude. What's up? So four years ago, I was a cyclist hit by a truck uh very very injuries yeah yikes the process to heal both uh legal and medically um are still ongoing before four very long years um the length of time passing is just like picking an old wound over and over and over again when I just want to heal and get past it. How can I rebuild my resilience when time and obligations keep beating me down? How honest can I be with you? Very.

You're not going to like it, Chantel. Can we still be friends? I'm used to tough realities. Do what? I'm'm used to tough realities. Do what? I'm very used to tough realities. Okay. The moment you decide, I'm going to stop trying to get past all of this

and instead shift your body energy and your focus to, I'm going to metabolize this as this is my life. This is a part of my as this is my life. This is a part of my one tiny little precious life. Then resilience can begin to do its work and grow roots in you. Right now you have an electric leaf blower and you keep blowing the soil off and the roots can't take hold because you're waiting for this thing to be over. You keep cleaning it all off. You've been through hell.

What are some of your injuries involved in this rack? Double, like two types of brain bleed, double pneumothorax, broken ribs. I almost lost my left leg. I had to relearn how to walk. I have an ostomy. I had to have bladder surgery. I probably will never be able to get pregnant.

Pretty awful. And how has the medical system navigating that mess in Canada been? Amazing. Like I have excellent healthcare and excellent support. And even though, you know, COVID forced some surgeries to take a long time to get around to me because I was no longer emergent after, you know, you've patched up enough to be alive. I've gotten surgeries that have increased my quality of life, which I'm thankful for. Wonderful. What about the legal mess? Oh God, the legal mess is a mess. Up here in Canada, we have a process known as the catastrophic process when you have injuries as severe as mine.

And it's just long. It's going to take a long time to settle because they're looking forward in my life and the quality of my life 10, 20 years from now and what these injuries mean since they're so life-altering. So that's still ongoing. Okay. What have you done in the last four years to begin to re-imagine and live your life? I haven't been able to. I've been in it. It's been four long years of five or six appointments a week, legal or medical, multiple surgeries. We're talking seven to eight surgeries.

Who's paying your bills? Well, here in Canada, like our medical is covered. Thank God. What about your rent? Oh, you're back at work. Okay. Yeah. I went back to work.

Yeah. Okay. Good for you. Yeah. So resilience is not something you can think your way to. Resilience is a scratching and clawing one centimeter at a time, one inch at a time. And you look back without thinking. You turn your head and you realize you have crawled and scratched and clawed a mile.

And you're not scratching and clawing anymore. You're crawling on all fours. And then you look up and you've gone another mile. And you've got calluses on your hands and on your feet and on your knees. And then you put one foot down and you stand up. See what I'm saying? Resilience is formed on one step after one step after one step. Not on this idea that I'm past all of this. And what I promise you, I promise you, you are stronger than you could possibly imagine.

Chantel, you got hit by a truck, and you and I are still talking. Yeah, I'm lucky to be here, and I acknowledge that, and I accept it. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. You're lucky to be here, yes, period. Move that over to be here. And I acknowledge that and I accept it. Hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You're lucky to be here. Yes. Period.

Move that over to the side. You are a gangster. You're a badass. You're still here. You're not giving Chantel the credit Chantel deserves. I feel like I've mentally accepted that, though. Like, that was then, and this is four years later and I want more. I want more than just to have lit. Tell me, what do you want?

I mean, I used to run marathons and I was an ecstatic person. Are you ever going to be able to run a marathon again? No. Okay. We have to grieve that. That's a significant loss That is a heartbreaking loss That is you sitting down and writing a letter

To Chantel the Marathon runner Remember when And now those days are over This is sitting with a couple of girlfriends that you really really trust and having written a letter to future Chantel to let her know we may not have

babies. And that was a part of our ride dude. That was going to be part of it. It's sitting in that ugly and being What if I feel like I've been sitting in the ugly for too long and I just want to go like you can, but I don't think you're the, I don't, I think you sat in the mess, but there's some intentionality.

You sat in it, but there's, there's work, right? So if you, if your sewer, uh, here, here at my house, I live out in the woods here. So I've got a septic tank. It's not connected to the sewer, right? I can go sit in the septic tank If it's broken It's disgusting, I can't think of a grosser thing to do I can go sit in my septic tank I can sit in there for years

But there's nothing productive that I've done I haven't done any of the work And if I tried to go back inside my house, my wife would be like, get away from my front porch. And I'd end up just outside. I'd end up in the wilderness, right? So there's something about using the,

being intentional in the darkness instead of just sitting in it and then wishing I wasn't in it anymore. I don't want you in it either. But I also want you to, to, to, with both hands, grab a hold of reality. And that's so hard, man, because this wreck took everything from you. It took your passions. It took your future, took this, this picture you had of what a family might look like. You're going to have a family that's going to look different, but this is what this picture was going to look like

and here's the process. And it took that from you. That's a stone cold reality that happened. And then what comes next? So you can't run marathons. What's next? I don't know.

I'm trying to figure that out. No, you got to say it. You've thought of something. You've looked it up on the internet during one of your dark nights of the soul. What is next? I don't know. I'm trying to figure that out. No, you've got to say it. You've thought of something. You've looked it up on the internet during one of your dark nights of the soul. What is it? I haven't. Maybe I'm just too stuck on what was part of the healing process, part of the counseling with therapists and physios has been,

maybe you've got to let it go. Maybe you got to find a new passion, but I don't know how. I haven't found something that breathes the same light to my soul yet. There was a moment years before you ran your first marathon. When my seven-year-old little girl just takes off running through the yard and her little blonde hair is flying all backwards and she's running so slow, but she thinks she is running a thousand miles an hour. And she can run for about 50 yards before she's sucking wind. Can't breathe.

And that was the genesis of her wanting to run more and more. And there was a moment when that was you. It was a few steps that put wind in your hair and put a smile on your face. And over time, that turned into marathons. What you have to be willing to do, the bravery you've got in your guts, the courage, the moment of courage you've got in front of you is this

I got to take a few steps towards something With one day I might be able to run a marathon whatever that looks like I'm going to pick up a guitar and i'm going to figure out how to play this thing because one day I might play live I am going to start a women's group for people who get hit by trucks and it's going to be awkward and weird and so uncomfortable because one day I might help heal families. I'm going to start the adoption process. You see what I'm saying?

Yep. I can't tell you how bad the world needs you to take another step just in a new direction. Are you in? I'm in here's your first two steps I want you to write Chantel the athlete, the runner a letter

and tell her what an honor it was to do life with her, how much fun y'all had how many adventures you went on. And then as you end that letter, the last half page, the last two pages, let her know, and life threw us a curveball. Actually, life hit us with like a truck. And now we're going to have to make some changes. And it's been an honor.

And we're going to have to make some changes and it's been an honor. And we're going to do something different now. And that's not going to be the insta-cure, but what we're going to begin to do is teach our body that that was then, and that was a part of me that will always be a part of me. And that part is that season is over. And now what's going to come next. And I promise you, if you spend some time, maybe you can't see it, but sit with a couple of girlfriends and say, we got to come up with 10 things and I got to try them. I got to take 50

yard dash in 10 different directions. Not literally, but figuratively 50 yard dash in either direction. Remember seven-year-old Chantel running for the first time, just sprinting her little heart out. What's that next step? Resilience is not something you can just wake up and have. It's something that you find. It's a strength and strength comes from pushing against heavy things, against resistance. That's where strength comes from. I promise you you're worth it. I promise you you're worth it I promise you I promise you we'll be right back hey what's up Deloney here listen you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or

burned out or chronically stressed at some point in my my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, we are starting a new way that we're going to end the show for a minute, for a little bit. And I'm going to call it the opinion of the day,

not the song of the day, John's opinion of the day. All right, Kelly, you were just telling me Google searches are at an all-time high for what? Where do I make friends and how do I make friends?

They're seeing just astronomical jumps in Google searches for those two things. How do I make friends? And where do I make friends and how do I make friends? They're seeing just astronomical jumps in Google searches for those two things. How do I make friends? And where do I make friends? Where do I make friends? John Deloney's opinion of the day. Stop Googling that question and just go. Go. Just ask three weirdos from work over to your house and don't clean up.

Don't clean up. Tell them just bring whatever you think. Kelly needs to clean up because let's be honest. But like, I'm just saying, it's weird. I'm like an OCD neat freak. So don't even. I know. Except when you're getting tattoos and you are not OCD about those.

Listen, go make friends. Go find some people at work. Find some people in your softball league. And if you don't have one of those, join it. You know you got some bro downs at the gym. Y'all go hang out. It's like, hey, I want to go eat, drink protein shakes together and just like rub protein powder in our hair.

I don't know what you're going to do. Go to church. Go find whatever it is. Stop Googling these freaking questions. Go be weird. Go first. Go first. You are not going to find making friend life change on Google. The four steps to making friends just go. It's going to be awkward. You're going to get rejected. You're going to get denied. It's going to suck. You're going to feel like a loser and go again and go again and go again.

And my promise to you is if you will go out and be fully all you, just your weird little self, you'll end up with two or three people or four people who are all in until one of them votes weird and then y'all can make fun of them. And then you are all friends again. And then one of them votes weird and then y'all can make fun of them. And then you are all friends again. And then one of them will get married. Somebody will have their ninth kid. Whatever happens and they may fade away. That's part of life.

Stop Googling this question. Just go, just go. You know, you gotta just go, just go. Listen, you are worth having friends and you're worth being friends with. I love you guys. This is the, I was gonna say, I forgot the name of the show.

Peace out, y'all. Stay in school, don't do drugs.