The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Had a Secret Vasectomy

Episode Date: September 20, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman whose husband secretly had a vasectomy - A wife who blames her husband for conflicts with his parents - A man jealous of his friends who are married with kids To pre-order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Lyrics of the Day: "Happier" - Marshmello & Bastille  Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. He had gone and gotten a vasectomy without my knowledge. I was not ready to call that yet. It had to have been a nuclear option for him to do that. Like there had to be, like he knew going into that, I'm going to blow up everything and it's worth it because I can't keep doing this. What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show.

Show about your emotional health, your mental health, your kids, parenting, marriage, dating, whatever you got going on in your life. We're here to walk alongside you and help you figure out what's the next crooked wobbly step towards a better future look like. And we're here to walk alongside you and help you figure out what's the next crooked wobbly step towards a better future look like and we're here to walk with you shows about real people calling with real challenges going on in their lives and um i may not know the answer but i promise i'll sit with you if you want to be on the show give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 it's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K

and don't forget Building a Non-Excess Life is still in pre-sale. We're going to pre-sell it until January of 2029. So it's going to be pre-sale for nine years

or six years. But not really. It comes out October 3rd. We're getting close, right Kelly? Well, yeah. It's end of August so we're getting there. I know, but like when this episode comes out October 3rd. We're getting close, right, Kelly? Well, yeah, it's end of August, so we're getting there. Well, I know, but like when this episode comes out,

it'll be getting really close to launch date. Yeah, this episode comes out at the, almost at the end of September, so we're getting really, really close. Okay, so we're really, really close. Go pre-order this if you're going to pick it up. It's 20 bucks and I got a lot of bribes in there for you to make it worth your while to pick it up a little bit early. It'll be in your mailbox October 3rd, So go ahead and go for it. Hey, I'm going to call an audible. Oh, great. Yeah.

I have got to say how freaking proud I am of John and Ben. Y'all, we had Battle of Bands Friday night. And I tell you, we live in Nashville. The talent is high here. I mean, multiple bands that I would pay to see. And it was the most perfect set ever. And I've been to 11 Battle of the Bands.

Yeah. Ever. The most perfect set. And just my 2000 emo pop punk heart was so happy. But y'all, they worked their butts off for this. And I was telling Ben, the just pure, unadulterated joy watching Ben. Oh, man.

It's just phenomenal. I threw out my neck. I looked over and thought to myself, he's going to have a hard time wiping for the next few weeks while I'm playing. I watched that too. How much fun Ben was having. It was just amazing to watch y'all. I know the work y'all put in. It was amazing. We had so much fun. We are all so, so very proud of y'all. And I know the work y'all put in. And it was amazing. And we had so much fun.

And we are all so, so very proud of y'all. I appreciate it. Hey, having y'all down there on the front row. And it was like, I mean, there's a couple thousand people in there. Having y'all on the front row. And I will say this. There was one moment, I told y'all, I couldn't make eye contact with you. Because I was dressed up like Avril Lavigne.

If she was a six foot two guy. And by the way, I totally blew this. And I wish I had known. I told Ben, if we had had a camera crew with me and filming my exchange with the woman working the register at Hot Topic. You were, I guarantee you, the oldest person in there. Trying to explain to her why I did not want to be in the Hot Topic rewards program.

And that just didn't compute. And she was like, can I have your number? And I'm like, no, I just want to give you money for that pile of stuff, of wristbands and like elbow pads or whatever. And she was like, I just need your number. I was like, I'm not going to give that to you. And it just went downhill from there. Chris said it was pretty amazing to get a text that said, hey, I just need your number. I was like, I'm not going to give that to you. And it just went downhill from there. Chris said it was pretty amazing

to get a text that said, hey, I'm at Hot Topic. Does anybody need anything? Yeah, you're like, I'm at Hot Topic. I just spent $100. No, it's okay. It's like, what year is it?

She goes, the lady at Hot Topic, when I had all this stuff, and she just goes, your total is going to be $97.64. Would you like to round up in the other, whatever,

26 cents, whatever? And I just, in shame, just dropped.64. Would you like to round up in the other, whatever, 26 cents, whatever? And I just, in shame, just dropped my head. I was like, yes. I just spent $98

at Hot Topic. And did she call you sir because she was not used to dealing with elderly people in there? It was very strange. But listen,

I couldn't make eye contact to her, but I did look down one time and y'all look like y'all are having so much fun. And I knew that if it was not going well, you have a very distinct look when I'm doing something that's not going well artistically. I've seen it a number of times,

but the fact y'all are having fun. And I heard Jenna singing her little Taylor Swift heart out, which was awesome. That was amazing. I couldn't have asked for any cover of that song any better. Yeah. Here's the big disaster takeaway for me. I have not practiced.

Like at the beginning of this thing, we picked a group of songs. I wasn't good enough to play it, literally. Like I had to sit down and practice. And I made a deal with myself every day, no matter what, you will at least pick up your guitar for 10 seconds. Every day. And by being that well prepared,

it allowed for when the show started to just go bananas because there's muscle memory at that point. And I thought, man, if I worked that hard on this show, it would be so good. It would be incredible if I put that much work into it.

So it's been, I'm glad we did it because now I'm like, I can work pretty hard and get better results than what I get on this show. That's all. Thank y'all for coming. It means the world to me. Yeah, the support means a lot. It was awesome. And seeing

Sarah down in a mosh pit made my heart really just feel big. It was awesome. All right, let's go out to Pennsylvania and talk to Ellie. What's up? Hi, Dr. John. I'm good. How are you? You know what? I've got a lot to be thankful for. I'm living blessed. Living blessed. That means something's a disaster. Whenever somebody deflects, it's like, I'm mostly great. That's awesome. Yeah. What's up? It sounds

better than I'm horrible, right? Maybe a little less, a little more disingenuous, but yes, it does sound better. What's up? So I got a little bit of a question for you today, and I'm just going to kind of start with the question and then sort of fill in the gaps. My husband and I are really struggling with physical intimacy. I really, we're just, it's not working. It's not going well. We're not connecting. There's a lot of background to that.

We've been married for 15 years. We have six children. Our oldest is 13. The youngest is almost two. When the baby was four months old, I discovered that he had gone and gotten a vasectomy without my knowledge. That was a real game changer for me. I was not ready to call that yet.

I have loved being a mother. It's sort of been my whole life. And so it just threw me for a tailspin. Since then, our marriage has just kind of tanked, to be honest. We have just not been doing well at all. Feels like we've sort of hit rock bottom. And I feel very stuck. And I'm just wondering if you could give me some insight, maybe some advice.

So that doesn't happen in a vacuum. Right. I would be stunned if he had not had conversations about, if y'all had not talked about this is enough, this is too many, or when you got pregnant again and number six and he started struggling or number five, like that's a strange,

bold move just to do out of left field with no warning, no conversation. There had been conversations. I had repeatedly said, I am not okay with that particular option. I'm not okay with that. We had explored other options and even tried some different things and um yeah number number six was a surprise um i was not expecting to get pregnant again um but i did know he was getting done and he did know i wasn't there so it didn't completely come out of the blue. Okay. So, the only way I know how to answer some of these questions that I know are going to get me in trouble no matter what I say is just to give you what's, what's just right at the top of my soul right now. Is that okay?

Yes, please. So, I believe strongly that when people, when couples get married, when you say I'm all in on you and you're all in on me, that we make decisions like this together. I also like to flip things around gender-wise and see how does it play on the other side. trying to imagine a guy calling in saying, I told my wife that she's gonna, and she went and had a hysterectomy or some sort of procedure.

And she, hysterectomy is a whole, you can't hide that one, but went and had a procedure done. And my first thought would be, hey, dude, that's her body. Like if she doesn't want to go through all of that again and so i'm flipping that around and i know childbirth is incredibly different for a woman's body than a man's body but i have to say it had to have been a nuclear option for him to do that

like there had to be like he knew going that, I'm going to blow up everything and it's worth it because I can't keep doing this. And whenever somebody does that, I guess I just, maybe this is a fault of mine, but I get real empathetic really fast to think what must have, same as if somebody's like, like struggling with alcohol. My first thought isn't, I can't believe you're drinking. My first thought is my God, what has happened in your life that the only way you can get through a day is like this. And so I have to ask, and I'd love to have, I'd love to talk to him. I'd love to ask like, dude, what was happening in your life that you knew I might blow up everything, but I cannot do another kid.

I can't. I'm out. I've lost my wife. I've lost my home. I've lost, I'm scared of finances. Whatever the thing is, that just feels like such a nuclear option. So I guess for both of you, my shoulders drop. And my hope would be that after 15 years and six kids, y'all have been through a lot of ups and a lot of downs that when somebody pulls a nuclear option like that, that it is not a everybody goes running for the hills, but it is a whoa, whoa, whoa, what just happened here?

And it brings you closer together. At least, maybe not closer together, but at least brings you to the table for you to say, was I that bad? Or was I that unreasonable? Or maybe I didn't hear you right. Or we have to reimagine our life now because I imagine it's with eight kids and you just set the nuclear option, right? And so I get it's such a violation. And at the same time, it's such a violation that I'd have to say something else in that ecosystem is just a mess.

My guess is your marriage has been struggling for a while. Is that fair? That's totally fair. So when you say it's just kind of tanked and bottomed out, what does that mean? Do you hate him? Are you so mad and enraged that you can't be around him? Or is he so ashamed at what he did? Like, tell me where that, where that bottoming out is, is happening. So I think I wouldn't say I hate him. Um, I, I hate what

happened. I hate what it has caused. Um, just hold on. But, but everything after that is all the causation is a choice. So, it happened, it didn't make you be mean to him, and it didn't make him hide in shame, and it didn't make you not want to sleep with him anymore, and it didn't make him not want to sleep with you anymore. All those are choices y'all have made on the back end of this nuclear

of him pulling the pin, right? So, what are some choices y'all have made on the back end that have just continued to spiral this thing out? I, I think it's choices of like, well, where do we go from here? I feel like I've been betrayed. He feels betrayed. I feel like trust is broken. He feels like trust is broken. How do we rebuild this? And, um,

and then it's all about sort of closing in on each individually. Like, well, I need this. Well, I need this. And you weren't giving it to me and I'm not getting it now. And there's a back and forth and we cannot seem to get to a place where we can move forward from here. And I don't know how to let go. I feel stuck. I don't know how to let go of the resentment, the anger, the hurt.

What is anger and resentment getting you right now? It's serving a purpose. It's playing a role. What's it getting you right now? Maybe in some weird way, it still means that my opinion's in play. Because I felt like he completely disregarded how I felt about this.

I don't think so. I think he absolutely took into consideration your opinion. I think what you can't wrap your head around is you didn't get your way. Okay. And that's a totally different thing.

He can hear you. So what do I do with that? You tell me. You've got six beautiful kids. You have a family of eight. Mm-hmm. You had a picture where it's going to be a family of 10 or a family of nine. That picture is now gone.

So you tell me what comes next. Do you simmer in anger and resentment and despair? Or do you sit down with your husband and say, Mike, it was so important for me that we have more. And you violated that and you snuck around me and did it. And he says, I know, because you wouldn't hear me out. And then you both say, will you build something completely new from the floor up with me? That's the only way forward. There is no going back. There's no going backwards to this. I don't know, maybe you could

get it reversed. So are you you just saying lock the feelings up and no just not go there no i don't know what to do with the feelings i'm saying you have you have changed yourself chained yourself you have hitched yourself to your feelings feelings are very very important but they often lie to us and they don't tell us the truth. Feelings are not truth tellers. That's not their job. Their job is to get our attention. Okay. And so your body may feel like, I hate that guy. And that's why challenging those feelings, writing them down and challenging them. Do I really hate that guy? No, but I'm really, really heartbroken in what he did. And grief demands a witness. I don't think you've grieved this. I think you're at war.

And again, let me say this. If he was on the phone, I would say, dude, what were you doing? But he's not on the phone. So I can only talk to you. And what you're doing is you're poisoning your home, hoping it kills him, but it's killing you. Yeah. Yeah. And affecting our children and just the whole environment. Absolutely. Is this a deep betrayal? Yes.

Is it also his body? Yes. Does that make this super messy? Yes. But it sounds less like he didn't listen to my opinion. It sounds more like I didn't get my way. And that turns it into a, he won and I lost and I don't lose, not in my house. And I'm just gonna tell you that, that, that attitude in a marriage is a recipe for this thing ends. And you end up with as a single mom with six kids yeah i don't want to go there i know you don't but also if you don't want to go there you have

to put in the work to build something completely new so before this happened after kid three or after kid four what was the challenges in your marriage finances were a challenge just both of us have strong will and so conflict was present all the time I tend to withdraw in conflict so nothing ever got resolved I would just withdraw when conflict showed up, and we would never actually get any of our issues worked out. Everything got shoved under the rug. That was just a tip of the iceberg.

Is there a chance that he was just a prop in the world that you wanted to create for yourself? I've never thought of it that way, but maybe. Is there a chance that he was just a prop in the world that you wanted to create for yourself? I've never thought of it that way, but maybe. Often when other people are playing a part in our picture of our life, when they don't do what we want them to do as a part of that picture, we go to war. We don't have a—because it's not building something together.

It is, no, it's Christmas is going to look like this. And if you don't do Christmas like this, then I'm going to withdraw. I'm going to fight you to the death because Christmas looks like this in my freaking picture. And that happens over what time we leave for church and happens over what we have for dinner.

And when you're going to be home and what this looks like and how our kids are going to be, because I can see on this side of it, if y'all are up till midnight stressed about finances and you want to bring four or five more kids into this thing, I could see that not computing. And also-

Right, the rational part doesn't. Well, but I can also see you wanting four more kids and he's out buying four wheelers and boats and whatever. And you're like, well, if you weren't buying stupid stuff, then we could afford this big, beautiful family. But it sounds to me like he's a prop in I will have 10 kids or I will have eight kids or even more than that. I'll get whatever I want because it's my life. And his job is to give me what I want. And if he, you happen to be a prop in his life, or if he's just tired of trying to build

something together, because there is no together because it's going to be Elle's way or no way, or she just withdraws and disappears. See what I'm saying? How can I change that? If that's who I am, how can I change that if that's who I am how can I change that you just made that an identity and I don't want you to do that I'm not going to let you get away with that at least on the phone call

I think you're probably a great mom and I think you have been a great wife in seasons especially I think you are so exhausted that you don't know what day it is. And I think your body is so desperate for connection and your way to get to connection is to control every single variable on the planet. Is that fair? Yeah, I'm definitely somewhat of a control freak. Yeah. I only know that because your husband went

and did something crazy that's madness right going to get a mastectomy without even telling your wife yeah I don't even know how that would be possible I mean I know how it would be possible but like even after care and stuff I just don understand. I can't wrap my head around that. But ultimately, I think you have to get to a place where I am going to. Well, let me back up. You have to decide my marriage to this man is worth more than my pseudo fake pretend control over every variable. You have six kids. There's going to be variables shooting all over the place. That's six different girlfriends and boyfriends and six different, I don't want to date anybody's in

six different struggling in different classes. That's six different car insurances and colleges. That's six different, there's going to be variables everywhere. More than I will control, I'll shut this system down. And if I don't get control, I'm going to take control in the one down position. I'm just going to withdraw and go, fine, if you just want that, I'll just leave then. More so than that, you're going to want connection, which means you're going to have to choose vulnerability, which means you're going to have to risk getting hurt. And the irony is, the more you try to control, the more you are guaranteeing you get hurt. Because at the end of the day, people don't like to be controlled.

And eventually they go off and do something insane or destructive, or they're so desperate to feel alive or breathe, they go do whatever. So ultimately you have to sit down and say, not who's getting whose way, but you and your husband have to create a home worth living in, create a marriage worth staying in. What does that look like? Number one, I will refuse to be led around by the nose by my feelings. I will say my feelings out loud. I will process them. I'll have a counselor that I talk to. I'll have a couple of girlfriends that I'll talk to. I will have a journaling practice that I will commit to the end of time to write down how I feel. And then I will go do the next right thing, whether I feel like it or not. I don't feel like being nice to him because he made

me what, how can I love you today? I don't feel like picking up the trash after these dumb kids. He's worked 14 hours today. I'm going to go pick up the trash. I don't feel like exercising or I don't feel like going to bed. I want to watch the show. I will go to bed. I'm going to go exercise. I'm going to go do what I need to do. Feelings are very important. Never smush them down. They will come out and they will destroy everything. And they don't tell the truth. That's not their job.

Their job is just to get your attention. To signal something in this relationship isn't okay. Something in this relationship is not safe. Strangely, I think the way forward is for one of y'all to go first. And since you called me, I'll suggest you. If he had called me, I would suggest him. But it's a matter of going out to lunch

or going out to breakfast or going out to dinner with no kids. And if you say, well, I can't leave my kids, that's problem number one. But you figure out how to pay for a babysitter and you get somebody to watch your kids or a neighbor to come watch your kids. And y'all go out and you say, for the last 15 years, I've tried to control every breath you take and I'm not doing that anymore. And for the last 15 years, every time I didn't get my way, I've pulled away, I've run from you because that kept me safe as a kid. I'm not doing

that anymore. And I'm going to have to practice. I'm going to have to learn how. When I feel myself retreating, I'm going to stop and turn around and come back in because I love you that much. And then here's the kicker. would you promise to work on the things that make it hard for me to be safe in this home? Because if he says no, then what are we doing? But if you go first, he may join you. And I would love it if you would have him call me because I'd love to hear his side of the story.

But right now is not the time for, you should get that reversed or now we're going to have to go adopt. Now is the time to stop everything and save your marriage. And you're not saving what was. The building has fallen. It has hit the ground and it has scattered everywhere. You cannot sweep up all that glass and steel and wood and smoke and rebuild that building. You got to build something completely new. And that starts with one of you saying, I'm all in, in these ways, will you join me? And that's a scary, scary thing to say. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of building an unanxious life.

It could be a roadmap for you and your husband. What if we built a home that we both liked being in, that was loud and chaotic because we have six kids, but it was also warm and filled with laughter and joy and a lot of weird, silly things that we do and romance and sex again. What if we chose that life and we built something new? Are you in? Thanks for the call, Al. I'm so sorry. I know it's a mess on a mess on a mess. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to

get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow, and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule.

You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the Hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself, and sometimes you do this with a group and Halo helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app

on planet earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life.

All right, we're back. Let's go out to Roanoke, Virginia and talk to the great and wonderful Rachel. What's up, Rachel? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? So good. How are you? I'm good. Thank you for taking my call. Awesome. Thank you for calling. What's up? Yes. And as I'm talking to you, you realize that I've been practicing my questions to you in my head all morning. So apologies for that. Hey, it's practice is good. It practices good.

Go for it. What's up? All right. Okay. So my husband and I have been married for 15 years. And over the years, whenever I have conflict with anybody from his side of the family, so whether it's mother-in-law or any of the four sister-in-laws or anybody from his side of the family, I tend to channel the frustration or the anger from those conflicts towards

my husband. Even though it has nothing to do with him or he has no involvement in those conflicts, I channel it towards him. And the way I justify is, hey, he's part of that family, so he deserves this kind of treatment from me. And I know it's totally crazy, totally unfair. So my question to you is, how do I channel my frustration away from people I love? And I guess even more importantly, how do I get it out of my system? Is my question, if that makes sense. Yeah. I think that you're operating on a bad model. It's a very, I'm not saying this in a derogatory way. This is like, I'm trying to say this

clinically. It's a very child based response. I'm mad about this over here. So I'm going to say this clinically. That's a very child-based response. I'm mad about this over here, so I'm going to spit on you. This thing happened to me from this guy. I'm going to kick you. Or you see kids, they stub their toe at a door, and then they punch a chair. I'm going to go get that thing. That's a very childish response. It comes from an eight. So the bad model is that the get it out model has been proven faulty. It's not real. There was decades where they would tell

you to, quote unquote, get your anger out. It's a thing you have to get out. And they have these, they even have them now. They got smash rooms and yell rooms. And I have to tell you what you did. I got to say all these things. I have to get this out of my body. What the research tells us is what it does is it actually reinforces those neural pathways and makes them stronger. It makes the connections more reinforced. So every time you take your anger on your husband, your body reinforces that as the appropriate way of making yourself feel better, which is to hit somebody else, to spit on somebody else. And the only way to break that, there's not a way to getting it out. The only way to break that is to grieve it, which I don't think you've ever done, and decide I'm not going to act this way.

And eventually over time, you teach your body different levels, different ways to deal with that stress, whether that's going for a walk, whether that is writing in a journal, whether that's playing your guitar, whether that's going dancing, any number of things. But you have to make the choice.

I'm going to stop hitting my husband for other things make the choice. I'm going to stop hitting my husband for other things people are doing. I'm going to stop spitting in his face for something his father did. Now, anytime somebody asks me this, I always have to ask, has he done the work of drawing firm boundaries with his family? He has, yes. Okay. We have together, we have over the years, yeah. And they continue to violate those boundaries? It's not all the time. It's, you know, some things never change.

So we have to constantly kind of remind them. Hold on, you actually, you don't at all. You don't at all. What you actually have to do is to cut off contact because they are opting out of relationship with you. And what you really want is you want both. And you want to tell them what your boundaries are and have them honor them. And they are not. And that makes them not real boundaries. That makes y'all just annoying. Chihuahua is just

barking a lot. Yeah. That's what it sounds like usually. Yeah. Instead of saying, okay, we've been very clear. We won't talk about X. We've been very clear. We don't like it when you use that language. We've been very clear. We can't travel on days A, B, and C because of whatever. And y'all have opted out of relationship with us. It breaks our heart. We're really sad about that. And I hate going that route because then it's kind of you're losing your family right when your family left you they left you rachel you're just continuing to let them drag you behind down behind the truck down the street and you're getting mad at them about the road rash but the whole time you're hanging onto the rope. Yeah.

That's where I say you have to grieve this whole thing. Often that, that feeling that I have to get this out, that's often not anger. That's grief. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to get married and I was going to be best friends with his mom and me and his dad. He was going to treat me like he's another daughter and we were going to tell inappropriate jokes and laugh and have inside jokes. And none of that happened.

Very true. You have to spend some time being really freaking heartbroken about that. And you haven't. And when you're not, when you skip over grief, when you skip over heartbreak, it comes out as rage. And you just start hitting the person closest to you,

which happens to be the man you love, right? Right. So you have to decide to spend some time in grief. And that is not fun. But also hurting your husband over something he's not doing isn't fun either. And grief has a weird way of clarifying your next step. As David Kessler says, you end up finding meaning. Here's my next path. It's how after a

young high school kid gets killed by a drunk driver and after three or four years, his mom ends up starting a nonprofit or his mom ends up going to speak at local high schools or his dad goes back to law school to whatever. Your body directs you. You find meaning there. And that might be where you're like, you know what? For me and my house, we're going to choose joy and laughter. We're not going to choose to go back into this.

So we're going to find other wise adults that honor our boundaries and that we love and that love us. And that's where we're going to spend most of our time. Because sadly for us, our families are opting out of relationship with us. Or after grieving, then it's like, you know what? We can just go to these things and roll our eyes.

I don't really care if you're talking about politics or whatever. Give me an example of a thing they do that just makes you enraged. Um, sometimes, so when we see them, sometimes they would comment on my kids, you know, being either, you know, they're too skinny for what they think they should weigh type thing. They would want to opine on my personal life, things like that. Why do you care what they think? Why do you give them access to your inner core being like that? That's where I struggle. I don't know how to block that

you don't block it it's uh it's not a blocking it's just like uh i guess maybe it's a blocking i'm trying to think of a mental model for that it's not like your teflon those things like come into you like they just don't register the same it's like when they say it it just gets stuck with me that every time i see them those conversations rerun in my head and then i get all that build up emotionally are they saying it because they don't like you and they're being mean are they saying it because they genuinely care about those kids and think they need to fatten them up i mean i think yeah i over the years, they always had a hard time accepting me as part of their family. There you go.

It's been 15 years. Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's not fine. It is not fine because you are, that is rippling through your relationship with them. They've never liked you. And they're never going to like your kids. They're not going to like how your kids look. They didn't like how you looked.

They had a different picture of another woman in mind for their son, and he picked you. And they had another picture of what their grandkids were going to look like. Not the ones they got. Not those skinny little things. And so they're going to, they have opted out. See what I'm saying? Yeah.

And what you and your husband have to do is really grieve that because that's not supposed to be like that. It's not supposed to be like that. Yeah. And it breaks my heart because it hurts my husband. Yes. And the last thing I want to do is hurt him. You're not. His parents are. I know, but it's because of me, right? Nope. He chose you. He loves you to the moon and back. He loves you to the end of time. It's because his parents act like children. And his parents don't actually fully love their son. His parents loved

the role their son played in making their life perfect. You're right about that. Very true about that. They've been doing that to him his entire freaking life. Yep. And so, what y'all have done is y'all verbalized a lot of boundaries, but you haven't lived them out.

In a perfect world, your husband sits down with your parents and says, for 15 years, you've not accepted or loved my wife. And for 15 years, you've made little quips and comments and pokes and prods. And now those pokes and prods are rubbing off on my kids. And I let my wife down because I let it go on for years without saying anything or saying, hey, we don't like that, but not really do anything about it. And now that I'm seeing it with my kids, I realized I was wrong to not get more vocal with my wife. And especially I'm going to draw a line with my kids. If y'all say these

things again and don't fully accept my wife, don't fully accept my kids, don't fully accept our family, you are choosing for us to not come here. And we will get that message loud and clear. That's what he should say. And that is not a conversation for you to have that's a conversation for him to have right until he decides to stop being a action figure in his mom and dad's little playhouse they are going to continue to try to exert control over every aspect

of his life even the appearance of his kids and we have made it clear over and over, and you know, when they make comments. I know, but you keep going. You keep showing up. Yeah. You keep showing up.

You keep showing up. And that's not, that's not, their parents have learned, oh, they're just going to, they're going to, they're all bark, no bite. They're all, they're all bark. They're not going to actually leave. So we can do whatever we want.

We're going to continue to push and poke and poke and push and push and poke until one of the grandkids says something back or one day Rachel says something back. And then it's going to confirm it. See, told you she's a fill in the blank. Told you she's just like everyone else who fill in the blank. Don't give them that now i also want to be careful because there's a whole ecosystem now it's like you just if they

don't if they don't whatever your boundaries you just abandon them and run away not necessarily this is 15 years 15 years and my gut tells me there's a racial component to this there's all kinds of other layers to this that um kind of oog me out grosses me out pisses me off and especially when it rolls off of our son's supposed to make us happy and he didn't follow our directions and um

so now we're gonna throw grenades at his kids no way no way no way the job you have to do Rachel is grieve this number one So now we're going to throw grenades at his kids No way No way No way The job you have to do Rachel is grieve this number one Because it should be different Your in-laws should be so excited That the son they raised This man that they raised

With good judgment and character and kindness Pick you And they should be so Even if you look different with good judgment and character and kindness, pick you. And they should be so, even if you look different, you appear different, you are, whatever. They should be so excited that he's head over heels in love with her. And it looks different, but it's painting time because we're painting a new picture because this is our new life. We're going to get to know her and learn about her.

And then when those kids come along, oh my gosh, you were big and huge and muscular when you were a kid and your kids are skinny little. That's a totally different conversation then. You know what? They should be. What are you feeding? Man.

You're going to spend some time in grief. And you are going to have to open your hands up And realize that you can't control the world And you're trying to control how your husband feels How your in-laws feel You can't They're grown adults But you do have to also decide

I'm going to stop spitting on my husband Because his parents are children I'm going to stop punching my husband Metaphorically Because his parents are children. I'm going to stop punching my husband metaphorically because his parents hurt my feelings. But you also have to sit down with your husband and say, we have to end this. We have to create some space here because it's hurting our marriage. It's hurting our relationship with our kids. And we can't let outside influences do that. Behavior is a language. And it sounds like your in-laws are telling you, we don't want

you or those kids around. And if your husband has any integrity at all, he says, cool. Bye, Felicia. We gone. And he leaves. Hopefully he sits down with them and has a final direct conversation. But you're not the crazy one, Rachel. Spend some time in grief. Spend some time in heartache. Write them a letter. Don't ever, ever send it. Write them a letter about what you really feel and how heartbroken you are. That's step one. Then get a couple of friends and read it to them. That's step two. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes.

And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves.

I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere

so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Diloni to get 10% off your first month.

That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash DELONI. All right, we're back. Let's go to Drake in Indianapolis. What's up, Drake? Hey, Dr. John, how are you today? Partying, man. What are you up to? Oh, not much. Just on my lunch break. And I'm here talking to you. My first time on a podcast, so I apologize if I'm not very good at it. Well, I've been on a lot of podcasts,

and I'm terrible at it. So same team. I promise you're going to do great. What's up, man? We'll make it through. So calling today, first off, I'll start off the conversation by saying that my family and my friends mean the absolute world to me. And I'm pretty blessed to be surrounded by people that love me. But I've noticed recently I've become hyper competitive with my friends and sort of the way that like I've never really felt like I stack up or that, that I'm, um, as good as, or that I'm less than so to speak. And so really calling the day to get some direction as to, you know, how to change that and, and just be kind of at peace with, um, you know, other people's success and, you know, my stage of life and, and, uh, so forth. So, yeah. Great question, man.

And I appreciate your call. And I think the conversation is going to help a lot of people. So I appreciate your bravery there. You cannot be at peace with other people until you're at peace with you. And innately, whatever is going on in your stage of life, whatever you wish to be different, that's where the echo is. Not in your stage of life, whatever you wish to be different, that's where the, that's where the echo is, not in your friends. And, um, what have you not grieved? Anytime somebody says they're struggling with comparison, um, whether it's somebody's got another job or nicer car or a wife or a prettier wife or a prettier, handsomer husband or whatever the thing is.

It almost always comes back to grief of a life not yet lived. And because I skip over the grief part, the heartbreak part, just sitting in it for a season, I wish this was different and it's not. And possibly take an inventory of some of the things that we are participating in that's making it that way or dealing with the reality that there's nothing we're doing it's just not happened until we do that the only outsources rage and anger and blame which by the way is our entire culture because we have an entire culture who's outsourced all reality to politics and media and so they are literally unable to sit at home and say, I wish my life was different. Yeah. Um, in terms of what, what your original question was, what, what have I not grieved? Um, I don't, I don't know exactly. And it kind of sounds ridiculous

to say out loud, but I'll say it anyway. Hold on, hold on. Nothing's ridiculous. Don't do that to yourself or don't do that to my buddy, Drake. That's you talking crap about yourself again. I can do that on this show. I do enough of that for me, right? You don't do that. Okay. Whatever your feelings is what you're feeling, dude. Just own it. No, I, you know, all, everybody's starting to get to the stage of life. I'm 28 and I'm single. Right. And so everybody's kind of at that stage of life where they're getting married, they're having kids, they're starting that stage of their life.

And there's really nothing more in the world I want than that. And it just, for one reason or another, hasn't happened yet. I'm still young. I'm 28. Do you have streaming services?

Do I have streaming services? Do I have streaming services? Uh-huh. Yeah. Do you take ballroom dance lessons? No, I do not. Do you take jujitsu? No, I do not. Are you in a running club?

I do CrossFit. That's kind of my my outlet so you're in a cult okay so do you do um uh any sort of regular religious services yeah i do a bible study um most weeks i haven't in recent weeks because i've gone back to grad school and time has just been a little short but but, but generally speaking, yes. So what I'm getting at is I don't think it's the most important thing in your life that I don't think it's the thing you want more than anything else in the world. And that's okay. It sounds like what you want is you want to have the life that you want and this other stuff. And for some people that other stuff literally falls out of the sky. A friend of mine said, this is my sister. I think y'all are going to get married. I can't be your friend anymore because I can't be friends with the guy who's dating my sister. And then

we got married and now me and him are great friends. That fell out of the moon. Is that fair? No, not at all. Be so annoyed if I wasn't me. And that doesn't impact you. So the question is not like, the question is not why not me? The question is, I've got a pretty good life that I've chosen. And if I want to choose something else, maybe I have to make some different choices.

Because so far it hasn't fallen out of the sky for me. Is that fair? That's fair, yeah. And I think, too, I've in years, really started to make some drastic changes. Like what? Well, I started working out. I mean, I was way overweight. Now I'm not.

I'm slightly overweight now, so I'll call that progress. Drake. Drake! Stop with that. If you were way overweight and you're less overweight now that's not i'm just going to call that progress that's one of the single hardest transitions a human can make in the 21st century that's amazing yeah that's incredible and someone would be so blessed to be sitting at a table with you with somebody with your character and discipline and willpower and joy yeah yeah no i mean you're absolutely right why don't you like drake

what is so sucky about drake is that you were overweight what is it no i just you don't like you man, why? I don't know Because I usually have a pretty good radar And like instantly You sound like somebody I'd like to hang out with And I'm not just saying that I'm not just going to make that up on the show You sound like a funny guy

A good, fun, self-deprecating In grad school You sound like a guy I'd hang out with, literally Why don't you want to hang out with, literally. Why don't you want to hang out with you? I don't know. I've always just seen sort of the negative and

it's my fault. Tell me what the negative is. Because I don't believe you. Tell me what the negative is. Change my mind. Well, I I don't know. Yes, you you do my mind's gone blank no you've got like two or three things if you could snap your fingers and make drink different right now what would it be i wish that i was in better shape okay um wish i looked better Okay. What does that mean? Like aesthetically?

Yes. Okay. Wish I was more confident. Okay. How do we get confidence? Well, where I've had success in that area is I go out and I accomplish things. There you go. And then I look back and I'm like, wow, I can't believe I did that.

That's the only way you get confidence is a whole bunch of little wins piled up. You can't manifest or whatever they're saying on the internets these days. You can't invent and just state out into the universe, I'm confident. It's not like Michael Scott, like I declare bankruptcy. That's not how that works.

You can't do that with confidence. You got to go out and do it. You wish you were more confident confident You wish you weighed less What else? You wish you had more muscle tone or whatever What else? I don't Those are the two big ones

What's in the black hole? Because those sit on Those sit on top of something else I've never thought of myself as very smart What's in the black hole? Because those sit on top of something else. I've never thought of myself as very smart, so I wish I was smarter. That's probably one. Who in your life has told you that you are the sum total of all these extrinsic things? Was it your mom?

You got to get this many grades? You got to get into this school? Was it your dad? Where did that come from? You got a coach? I don't know. I think my parents, there was a lot of tension in the house growing up, right? So, you know, it was really difficult to be at peace, so to speak. But I wouldn't say that they ever told me that I'm the sum total of that.

I mean, they were always supportive of me. They just hated each other, so they were always yelling. So, hey, hold on. So just so you know, and if you've ever listened to the show, you've probably heard me talk about this. Kids absorb tension in their home, and it's a biological protective measure, but they make that tension their fault, and they try to solve it. That sounds right. And many kids will spend their entire adult lives trying to solve that childhood tension.

And they always, if they can't reconcile it, if mom and dad never came back around and solved their marriage issues and created a warm, safe place for a kid to land, their nervous system knows one avenue. You're not enough. You couldn't get the job done. And. You're not enough. You couldn't get the job done. And that you're not enough, you couldn't get the job done, is that confidence. I know one thing about me, I couldn't get the job done. And that road, I mean, that's the road you take into jobs, into romantic relationships, into friendships,

into church groups, into bowling leagues, into dance classes, that becomes the path until you decide, I'm taking a machete, I'm going to head off into the woods, I'm going to create a new one, because this path is going to kill me. Yeah. And so as I hear you talk, I need you to hear me say this, the one

thing about this show, I promise, I'm going to tell the truth. You sound like a guy who's a lot of fun. You sound like a guy who laughs. Are you a guy who laughs? Oh, yeah. I can hear it in you. Number three, you're in grad school. What are you studying?

Accounting. You're not dumb. Good God, you're not dumb. You're turning yourself into a human calculator, for God's sake. Although accounting is just like in that kind of balance sheet, like make sure this side's got more money than this side. Anyway, you're getting a master's in accountancy, as they say. You're not dumb. So here's your path forward, okay?

I'm going to give you a couple of things. Number one, I'm going to hook you up with my friends at Mind Pump and give you access to any of the workouts that you want on their whole site for free. Okay. Thank you. And you can print it off and just follow it. That's it. Thank you. At least make a commitment to Drake that I can do this.

And you go through there and pick any ones you want and Jenna will hook you up with them. Those are some great friends. That's the same workout programs that I use. Okay. So it's not about mechanics. It's just about I'm worth doing that today. I'm worth 45 minutes today. I'm worth that. Okay. The second one is, um, I'm going to hook you up with my buddy Lane Norton's, uh, carbon app. Okay. It's a free, it's a, I'm going to give you a lifetime free subscription to it. And all it is, is just about tracking,, tracking what I eat

it sucks it sucks tracking stuff because you can't lie to the calculator but it's also amazing and he's going to give you that for free the third thing is I want you to write a letter

to 9 year old Drake and when you write that letter I want you to write a letter to nine-year-old Drake. And when you write that letter, I want you to sit somewhere quietly by yourself and I want you to become nine-year-old Drake again. I want you to think of the house tension, the volume in the house or the silence in the house, that feeling of your dad walking into the room and your mom storming out of the room.

I want you to feel all of that. And then as 28-year-old Drake, I want you to write 9-year-old Drake a letter. And I want you to tell Drake, I'm so sorry that you tried to carry the stability of that home. Mom and dad weren't mad at you. They were dealing with things in their life

that you'll never know about. But you're worth being loved and you're worth having fun and worth having joy and worth having people like you and look you in the eye. And then as you said earlier about confidence, I want 28-year-old Drake to give 28-year-old Drake 30 days. And since you mentioned working out, we'd pick that one, but it could have been grad school. It could have been learning a new language. It could have been whatever, but will you give yourself 30 days? And by the way, you'll screw up one of

those days. I sat with a guy recently. We're working on a, I guess, for lack of better terms, a TV show. And it was a 90 day challenge. And I checked with him every 30 days. And after the first meeting, I told the team, there's no chance. He doesn't make 30 days. No chance. He made all 90. And as we said, we shot the final episode last week or two weeks ago. And he said, 90 days, everything's different.

The whole thing, the whole machine is turned around. What I'm going to tell you is if you find somebody that's wonderful and beautiful and that you instantly want to create a connection with and make a life with, that Drake that you don't like will show up. And that's not fair to you and that's not fair to whoever this person is you want to meet.

And so the work is less to be done on I've got to go, got to go, got to get, got to get. I hate it that you got it. I can't believe you have, you got, you're getting, oh, even Steve's getting married. Steve sucks. He's getting married. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

It's not that. It's, dude, it's so rad. Good for you, man. I don't understand how you could get married, but that's so, so great that there's a glitch in the matrix that way. That's awesome. That comes from a place of I'm okay with me. I had last year, Own Your Past, Change Your Future, the book sold a bajillion copies. Way more than any of us thought it was going to sell.

And I grew up a real poor kid. And my wife didn't have a lot growing up either. I'm saying I wasn't a poor kid. We didn't have a lot. We did very, very little. And I've had the same group of buddies and all of them have done really, really well. And as I was, I've obviously done good

with my higher ed career and my Dean of Students jobs and stuff. We've done well, but it got silly. Last year was a silly year for us. And I called my buddy and I said said i just need to tell one person this is what happened last year the only person i told an actual number yeah and he said good god you and i said know, and he got quiet, and he said, I'm so proud of you. I would start crying if you wouldn't make fun of me. I had somebody in my corner that was there for me when things were hard,

and he's the guy that I called one time when I had what I thought was internal bleeding, and I had called him and said, can I borrow your Southwest credit card so that I can go to the ER, and he said, I got you, and he's also the guy that 25 years later I called and he was like, dude, I'm so proud of you. And I want you to start that with Drake being proud of Drake. Look what we're doing, man. I'm going to give myself 30 days. I'm going to call two buddies and we're just going to hang out. And we're going to start building confidence with a bunch of little wins. The other thing I want you to do is I want you to start keeping a journal of the negative self-talk, the bull crap stories you tell yourself.

I used to be really overweight. Now I'm less overweight. I guess I'll call that a win. No! That's a true, that is a win. That's a huge win. Yeah. Well, if some girl wanted to be with me she's gonna

think i how do you know how do you know i don't really know cool well then we're done with that thought until she says i would love you but you just are too fill in the blank then we're gonna be sad and grieve that thought but i'm not gonna i'm not gonna as bernie brown says i'm not gonna dress rehearse tragedy i'm not gonna continue to put all these layers in front of me and laughter and me and joy and me and home and me and a future. I'm not going to do that. It's a waste of my time. It feels protective, but it's not. It's isolating.

So I just do a lot at you. What do you think? I think you're right man and and you know like i like i started the call with with you know how blessed i really am i i do i'm very fortunate i do have those friends in my life that that are you know there but uh have you have you said don't talk to him and been honest yeah i don't like i don't like drake yeah okay i have and um do they call you out for the bullcrap that is yeah good no they're they're good they're good at calling that out yeah good now everybody needs to take one step more and say okay we've thought about this a lot we've talked about this

a lot let's start acting one of the great curses of modern mental health The idea of quote-unquote mental health is if you just get all the right thoughts in the right order Then you're going to be mentally well, and I think that's false. That's a false narrative You have to go do you have to act you have to you have to engage And you have to like you said create based on, I kept showing up for me. I did an exercise thing for 30 days without stopping. Confidence. I can. I tracked what I put in my body for 30 days. I can. I took a journal and I wrote down every time I had a negative thought about me for 30 days and

I challenged those thoughts. Some of them are true. Do I need to have weight to lose? Yep, that's still true. Am I a complete loser and nobody will love me and I'll never have a romantic relationship because of that? No, not true. And on and on and on. But all of this starts with you looking in the mirror and saying, Drake's worth loving. Drake's worth exercising. Drake's worth taking care of our body. Drake is worth calling his buddies. Drake is worth asking her out, even if she's going to say no. Whatever that may be. Thank you for the call, my brother.

Hey, I'll walk with you every step of the way. You call if you need something. If you get 30 days down the road and you want to call back and I'll celebrate with you, awesome. You want to call back and say, I've completely failed. I'm going to go again. I'll cheer you on again. I'm super proud of you, brother. And I think this is going to be the day that everything changes.

Cheer for your friends, man. Cheer for your friends. And cheer for Drake. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out

or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, the song is by Marshmello and Bastille. Marshmello and Bastille. Song is called Happier.

Goes like this. Lately, I've been thinking, I want you to be happier. When the morning comes, when we see what we've become in the cold light of day, we're a flame in the wind, not the fire that we've begun. Every argument, every word we can't take back because with all that has

happened, I think we both know the way that the story ends. Then only for a minute, I want to change my mind because this just don't feel right to me. I want to raise your spirits. I want to see you smile, but know that means I'll have to leave. I want you to be happier. But sometimes you don't have to leave. Either way, we're here for you. Party on. Stay in school. Be excellent to each other. Watch Bill and Ted's. Bye.