The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Has Gained 60 Lbs and I’m Pissed!

Episode Date: March 13, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman struggling to respect and desire her husband after his weight gain - A mom unsure of how to support her son after his deeply scarring experience - An atheist hoping to get his wife’s approval of Christian school for their kids Lyrics of the Day: "Can't Stop The Feeling" - Justin Timberlake  Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. He witnessed his father commit a brutal crime and... What's the crime? Well, he committed murder in front of him. Who'd he kill? He found his longtime girlfriend in bed with the van. What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

So glad that you're with us. Greatest mental health and marriage and parenting podcast ever recorded. YouTube show, all of it. So glad that you're with us. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. All right, here's a vulnerability time. I am re-recording the intro to this show. This is future John reviewing what past John did. So I recorded this episode, and as soon as it was over, I was just sick to my stomach for a couple of reasons. I wasn't in a great headspace going into this show.

And instead of being a grown-up and having a hard conversation with Kelly and the team and saying, hey, today's not a great day. I got stuff going on in my personal life, just a lot going on. I went ahead and did it and I ended up I think uh blowing a couple of calls And normally I would edit this out and I would take it out um, and y'all would never know what happened and it would just be a private little moment between me and the caller and it would never see the light of air or

Sweet sarah would edit around it all and try to make me look good And the reason I think it's important to put these calls out in this way is number one, they happen in the same show. I was having a bad day. And number two, I think it's important for me to be able to say, hey, here's where I messed up. And I want you to take this lesson into your lives, into your marriages, into your friendships, into your dating relationships, into your relationship with your kids. Because sometimes expertise is having the right answer in the right moment. And sometimes expertise and wisdom is about saying, hey, now's not a great time. Let me circle back. Let me go for a walk around the block. Give me 30 minutes. I need 24

hours to think about this and let's circle back. So in this first call, a woman called about her husband and his weight gain and the way she described his weight gain and you can hear the call, but it set me off in a way that I ended up allowing myself. I'm not gonna say I got dragged into it. I entered into her toxic relationship. I joined in and I became a part of a really messed up dynamic that as the person she was seeking counsel from, wisdom from, I should have stayed above the fray. I should have stayed outside of it.

And I didn't, I got involved. And by getting involved, I neglected a really important piece of wisdom for her and her husband, which is he needs to go see a medical doctor ASAP because he's had some dramatic life changes. And I did focus a lot on potential depression, focused a lot on her behavior and actions and the way she's treating him and talking to him. But because I got carried away and I got frustrated in the middle of that call, I allowed myself to get in the middle of this thing where I didn't belong. I missed healthcare 101, which is, man, if you've got some significant weight gain, some significant life changes, and you're not well, go see your doctor ASAP. Start there. Start with a blood test. Start with a relationship with your primary care physician or a specialized doctor.

Start there. And I got carried away. And so I blew it. And so I just want to say that up front, as you listen to this call, know that the first thing I should have told her was, A, you got to love this guy. B, he needs to go see a doctor today. All right. So here's my call with Jane from- Houston. Jane from Houston. Here we go. What's up, Jane? Hello, Dr. Deloney. How are you? I'm good, but I can already hear it. Hi, Dr. Deloney. How are you? What happened?

Well, I'm concerned about the state of my marriage. Ruh-roh. Through the course of our marriage, my husband has gained a significant amount of weight, at least 70 pounds. And it greatly affects our activities we can do together. Be it from just taking a walk, going for a hike and our sexual activities. And I'm just feeling like I want more and he refuses to do anything to improve his health. And so my quandary here is, on one hand, I feel resentful about it, that there's a lot of stuff we can't do together. Like I say, even just going for a walk.

And then on the other hand, I say, okay, fine. I'll just go do my own thing, explore my own hobbies, and I'll see you when I get back. I don't want to build up resentment and destroy. Oh, you're way past that. You're way past that. I know. You're way past that. I know, a woman being resentful. Come on.

Okay, listen. Jenna sent, usually I get like one or two lines. Jenna sent a big chunk of your original email. Can we go to the, can we go to the bottom of it? Okay. I don't have it printed out. Not, not the bottom of it. Like get to the bottom of it.

What you just presented was this, um, concerned wife who's just worried about the health of my husband. And I think that's true. But here's what you wrote. Okay, I'm going to read it back to you. Okay. My husband has gained over 60 pounds since we married, 12 years. He drinks at least a six-pack of beer throughout the day in a nightcap or two. He eats out all the time and eats so much junk food his weight gain has affected our sex life in his prior

marriage his wife didn't want anything to do with him and refused to have sex with him therefore since he had nothing else to do he was the workout king he was so hot why did she get hot mike and i only get fat mike i enjoyed our sex life early in our marriage and I don't know what to do. He has bigger boobs than me or his boobs are bigger than mine. Okay. So that's a different level of disdain there. Tell me about that. Well,

it's a turnoff. I know. I'm not talking about his boobs. I'm talking about like the, one of those is like, I'm a concerned wife wife i'm worried about his health we can't do things together and i'm starting to feel alone one of them the other story is his first wife got the good mike and i got the leftover bum mike and what kind of bum am i

married to that's a totally different track here talk me through that no well because every other aspect he's great and wonderful but why previously did he in his previous marriage did he put in the effort to take care of himself and be healthy and now he claims he's happier than he's ever been and yet he just keeps getting bigger so I mean you hear it as you ask it right right

tell me about his ex-wife we've already made this conversation weird we're gonna get super weird alright tell me about her apparently she had mental health issues

okay yeah I'm only hearing his side of course and there is every excuse for not being intimate afraid of having kids didn't want to mess up the kids and you know every excuse for not being intimate and so he said well i had nothing else to do, so I just worked out. Okay. Just between you and me, that's nonsense. Okay.

Mm-hmm. What moved sex over to the side? Tell me about her. What did she demand of him? He put her through graduate school. Okay. As far as what she demanded of their relationship, I know nothing beyond that. That was long before we met.

Okay. What do you demand of him? I want to spend time together and doing stuff. How do you get there? Currently, all we can do together involves sitting and eating or drinking. And I'm not a big drinker. This didn't happen overnight, though. True. The other involves sitting and eating or drinking. And I'm not a big drinker.

This didn't happen overnight, though. True. True. Early in our marriage, we were working, raising a child, and we're both working 60, 80 hours a week. And our sex life was great. Oftentimes, you hit the bed and you're exhausted, both of us equally exhausted, and reach over, you know, hey, babe, I love you, I really want you,

I'm just, you know, the body's weak, we're exhausted. The body's weak. You know? And, but now, we've raised our child, he's moved on with life. And my husband had this picture, the child leaves the nest and, oh, right, we're going to be having rocking sex all the time. But he's gained all this weight and it affects his ability to perform. And so now his solution is I should do other things that I'm not particularly interested in.

You know, let's go to a strip club. I want to see a stripper give you a lap dance. You know, as a woman, that's not a turn on for me. Yeah. And ew.

And ew. And ew. That actually more confirms what I thought. He's quit. He's completely given up. He doesn't like who he's become in this new life. And since he's not on the phone, I can only talk to you. Okay.

And what I hear is a woman who does not like her husband. You love him. Dude, I love a lot of people that I can't stand. But you don't like him. I want to be able to do stuff together. I know. Listen, listen, listen, listen.

We're not that old. You're trying to... I 100% agree with you. But you're trying to protect yourself, and I need you to stop for a second. You don't like him. And I don't think you've liked him for a long time. I'm just disappointed. And there is, oh man, there is no greater way to deflate a man than to look at him and say I'm disappointed in you.

And if you've been disappointed with him over this, my guess is over time you've been disappointed in him a lot. Now, I'm not blaming you for where he ended up. This has been his choice, his decision. And now he's grasping at straws because he doesn't like who he has become. And so he's looking for ways to increase his heart rate. That's why he's going to keep coming up with more wild and more wild and more wild, because he has to deflect this issue and make it not his, make it yours. The same way you've deflected this issue for years

and made it all his. And if I'm wrong, tell me I'm wrong. I'm willing to be wrong. No, I can see that. My guess is... I don't know. Now, I'm going to be careful how I say that. I don't know that he sees any value in what comes next.

Other than to keep you from hassling him. And whose son was it? Was it your son bringing to the marriage or was it his mine yours he loved that boy yes absolutely um i'm wondering if putting his first wife through grad school and feeling like he had a role to play there even though that role killed him because it wasn't reciprocated. And having a young man to raise, stepping into that boy's life

and seeing him off to his next adventure. And it sounds like a guy without a purpose other than just to stop being hassled. Well, I help him find that purpose. You got to first tell him that you like him and that you're on his team. Not just he's not performing for you because he's gotten too fat.

And that you got ripped off in this deal. Your whole language is you got ripped off. Instead of seeing, I've got a hurting man in front of me who's dying here. And my trying to beat him up

all these years all over all these things that's that's not working yeah and I don't feel I've been beating him up because I only broached it a few times of hey let's go for a walk let's do something together I would be willing to bet money I don't have something together. I would be willing to bet money. I don't have a lot, but I'd be willing to bet money that if I was talking to him, he's had a hard time making you happy over the years. Is that fair or no? I don't think so. Just out of the blue, he just suddenly went from super hot, always in the gym, always working out, to suddenly having to drink himself to a coma every night? No.

You know, when we got together, neither of us was working out because we didn't have time. We were both working a couple of jobs. And, you know, now our child is raised. You know, we're both self-employed. We're debt-free. Let's find something that we can do together. Let's, you know, enjoy life. Do something. Go see the country or something. Anything. You don't like your life either I hope you can see the dance that's happening here

is you got a guy who doesn't like who he's become and so he blames himself and he's going to slowly eat and drink himself to death, and he's got a wife who doesn't like who she's become, but heaven forbid she blame herself, so she blames him for the life that she's getting ripped off from, and it becomes this weird wobbly dance

that nobody wins until either he drops dead or you leave so how do i help him find who he wants to become i believe in the marriage i love him you know and i want him to be happy and I want to fulfill his dreams and fantasies he's he's got to be involved yeah

will he go to marriage counseling with you probably not why not he went to counseling previous in his previous marriage and it went nowhere

okay so been there done that the working out been there done that didn't work in the previous marriage and so you know why try it again

yeah I don't I don't do diagnosis on this show but that's a depressed guy who's done. He's just out. You've heard of the diseases of despair? Correct. It's a lonely guy.

And again, in no way am I excusing him. I'm just trying to paint you a picture. That the path to his heart, the path to what comes next, the path to building this life you want to have with him, where y'all are just living your best self now that you got kids out of the house. The path to him is not through strip clubs and the path to him is not through hassling him and calling him fat and making fun of his boobs and getting onto him about his drinking. At the end of the day, here's the truth. You can only control one person on the planet, and that's you.

And so what I would recommend for you is if he won't go with you, it's his loss at this time. But I would go see a counselor myself and not one to, the whole call, the whole approach here is there's something wrong with him,

but you can't fix him. What you can fix is you. And so I want, not that you need to be fixed, but learn some new dance moves, learn some new ways to navigate this relationship. And I would tell you to start with, I've got to rediscover, do I like this guy? Yes, I'll love him.

You'll love him for the end of time. But do I like him? And does he know that I like him? But I don't think that's where you start. I think there's one layer beneath that. And I think you start with calling a counselor and during the intake when they say, why do you want to come?

I want you to tell them, I don't think I like who I've become. I've become somebody I don't want to be. And I've participated in creating an environment where people aren't healthy, where I'm not healthy, my husband's not healthy, but I can't do anything about him. I can only do something about me. And I need to get back in touch with the woman that I love, that I like,

so that I can reach out and let my husband know that I like him too. But you sound bitter. You sound frustrated. And I'm not saying you shouldn't be, man. It sounds like your whole relationship is just sideways. But you got a husband who's given up. Just want to give you a little bit of hope. Sometimes it just takes a little bitty spark to set the whole place on fire.

And maybe by you going to do the work that you need to do for you, he can be inspired. He can see the light coming on in the house again. He can see that woman look across the room and say, I like you. And I'm willing to work on this thing if you are. That's my best guess here. And if he wants to call on the show, I would love, love, love to talk to him, Jane. I would love to if he would be willing to call.

If he does want to call, let Jenna know and we'll get that set up ASAP. I'm rooting for you, man. I'll help any way I can if you've got some specific questions, man, but someone's got to turn the lights on and stop the music and say, we're not doing this dance anymore. I'm getting well. I hope you'll join me. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. And as I discussed at the beginning of the show, if you're just picking up with us, a couple of these calls on this episode, I blew it. One of them, I got involved in the actual dysfunction of the marriage relationship, and I got carried away. I allowed that to happen. And so I ended up getting frustrated with the caller.

I ended up missing a crucial piece of wisdom. In this particular call you're about to hear, it's Anna from Tulsa. And Anna has a son and that son watched his father kill somebody. And I've got stuff going on in my private life. I've been on the road. I haven't been taking care of myself very well. My diet is about that of a second grader turned loose in his parents' pantry. And I was immediately thrown back to some of those crisis calls that I went on, especially with kids, especially with kids that saw things that they should never have seen, kids trying to make sense of awful things that their moms or dads had done

either to them or to somebody else. And so you're going to hear in this call, I stumble through it a lot and I get quiet a lot. And there's long gaps where I don't say anything. And again, normally we would edit this stuff out or I wouldn't have taken the call. It's rare that I blow it this bad, but I thought it was important this time for this one reason. If somebody comes to you with some hard information and it's not a good time,

it's always okay to say, hey, I really want to be there for you. I need 30 minutes. I really want to be there for you. I can't meet right this second. Can we meet at 5 p.m. tonight? Can we meet after the kids are in bed? Can I take you to breakfast in the morning? So this is me being vulnerable. This is me showing you. Man, sometimes I step up to the plate and I just miss. And this is a pivotal moment in Anna's life. And I showed up,

but I wasn't fully there. Check it out. Let's go to Anna in Tulsa. What's up, Anna? Hi, Dr. John.

How are you today? Rocking on. How are you? I'm pretty good. So my question is, how do I support my 10 year old son after a huge life change he witnessed his father commit a brutal crime and um his father will be gone for a long time. And I know the question. Well, he committed murder in front of him.

Who'd he kill? He found his longtime girlfriend in bed with the man. And it was the next door neighbor. Jeez. What a mess. How many years did he get? It's still going, so. Okay.

So before we go any further, can I just tell you I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Your whole world's exploded, and I'm so sorry. Thank you. And I know you love your little boy. He's not on the phone with us right now. We can talk about him in a minute, but I'm just so sorry.

Nothing's ever going to be the same and you didn't ask for this and didn't. I'm so sorry. I'm just so sorry. Yeah, it was definitely unexpected. That's the most Oklahoma thing I've ever heard somebody say. I'm like, well, it was just unexpected. It was a nuclear bomb that went off in your neighborhood, it detonated directly in your house and I'm so sorry.

My gosh. What a mess. For those of you listening, I've had to walk into that home too many times and hug too many Annas over the course of my career. And so I'm kind of speechless right now just because I know what's next. Okay, I'm not going to put my story under your story, Anna, so let's talk about you. When did this happen? It happened at the beginning of December.

So we've had a little bit of time to. Well, I was about to say, this is like yesterday. You've had no time. He's adjusting well. You know why? Because he's 10. Yeah. That's why I'm worried about you.

And I want to go out on a limb just by talking to you saying you're struggling. Is that right? Yeah, that's right. It sounds really like your ability to toggle in and out of being unable to breathe. And you feel like if you start crying, you're never going to be able to stop to it's okay. It's great. Pretty much. If you, I can't tell you how to grieve because everybody does it differently but I want to tell you the longer that goes

the deeper those grooves get man it gets real hard and I know you feel like you have to be the rock in the wind for your son and there's some truth to that somebody's got to make sure he eats and is fed and he's still got connectivity especially after the hell he's been through and the hell he's going to go through but the greatest gift he could ever have in the world right now is a mom that's honest with herself and with him and with the world

around her okay yeah he's going to need a strong balance of stability and he's going to need a mom who tells him the truth when she's devastated and heartbroken. Okay? Okay.

Don't hide your grief from him. It's a gift. It'll be a great gift to him. Okay? Okay. That's my promise, promise my promise my promise god i'm so sorry how have you said you said you say it's been a been a while it's been it hasn't been like a few a month two months, right? Two and a half months. Has your son been asked to testify yet?

Yeah, he has been. And that's, that's kind of where my, my question really is, is how do we handle that? Because his, his grandmother, his paternal grandmother is trying to, she's trying to manipulate his testimony and get her as far away from that boy as possible yeah there's an order in place now good good it's just hard with his questions

you know like when can I go see them when can I you know oh man okay let's walk through this from the tip top okay he's gonna always know that half of him is mommy and half of him is daddy okay and the dance you're gonna have to do is gonna be a difficult one because you're gonna have to let him know that I loved your dad, but I did not

like what he did. And he got in big trouble for what he did because what he did was wrong. But the moment that switches to, I hate him, I'll never love him again. I'm pissed off at him. He ruined our lives. That 10-year-old boy is going to internalize that because half of him is that guy. And then on the other hand, you got grandparents telling him how great he was. And it was just a moment of whatever. And it was for self-defense. And it was a moment of passion.

And so he's going to be thinking, yeah, I guess the scariest, most sickest moment of my life was from a good guy. See how confused this little boy is? Right. Oh, man. So he's going to need, in short order, like today, tomorrow, right? And this isn't all fall on you. This falls on some caregivers. And that's why i can't stand it

when adults act like idiots like his grandpa like his grandparents are well and you know i can't call them idiots because they are trying they love their son and they're they're in the same i get it um he's gonna have to know that he is wonderful and magical and able to overcome things, but he can't just get that with words. What does that mean? That means you're going to have to give him a bunch of little opportunities to be successful. And so are his teachers and so are his aunts and uncles that you trust. And so are parents' friends. He's going to have to have chores. he's got to have chores he's going to have to have a bunch of little wins and when he has success in little places

everyone needs to rally around and point it out look what you did great job look how hard you tried right and if we just wrap our arms around him and tell him you're so wonderful and great and perfect and lovely and all that there's going to be a disconnect in what his body feels and what his brain knows. So it's got to be through accountability. It's got to be through action, okay? Whether that's

joining jujitsu or playing baseball or whatever. And you're going to have to be prepared for him to love, love, love his dad and be so mad at you that he can't go see him every day. And then in short order, hate his dad so much that he can't breathe. And then go right back to loving dad because he can't hate him too much because that means he hates himself. Do you see? I mean, it's just, it's going to be a dance from here out. Right. A friend of mine who does this for a living works with these kids. She's just a savant. She's been on the show, actually. Everybody's going to want to get to your kid because he's a prosecutor's dream and he's a defense attorney's nightmare. Right. Yeah.

Has he already testified or is it coming up or how's that working? He has already done the, he has done a, he's testified not in the court yet. They're still working on that process, but he's already done an interview. Did you interview with the psychologist or with the judge in his chambers or her um he did he did um well they started with play therapy to get to get it uh going and and the prosecutor said that that is uh gonna be strong in the case because they just don't want he hasn't really talked about it and they don, when it happens, to be as organic as possible. And so he hasn't really spoke about it or anything. He has a therapist he's going to weekly.

Good. But they're still building a relationship. I would write this down. TFCBT, Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's extraordinary and it's actually pretty systematic. And what it does is it teaches him how to feel safe in his body when his body sounds every freaking alarm that it has, which it will. Because there's going to be moments of terror and rage and self-hatred and hatred of dad and

hatred of you and hatred of everybody. And that little body doesn't know how to handle all that. And so what trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy does, it teaches kids how to take deep breaths and how to lengthen the gap between stimulus and response and how to feel safe in your own body and what to do when you don't feel safe. So it's a lot of skills he's going to learn in a pretty systematic way. And if it's possible there in Tulsa where you live, I would seek that out. Okay. Okay. And I feel like I'm just talking, man. I'm making your story mine.

I've just been through down this road so much, and it's just so heartbreaking for me, and I know it's heartbreaking for you. You're living in hell. I mean, your glasses are tinted in red and fire because you're living in hell. Any specific questions I can help with? I feel like I'm just rambling.

I'm so sorry. No, but I appreciate everything you've said. It's been very insightful in the situation. My big question is when this is over with and he has been sentenced and everything, how do I talk about, because I've already set the boundary, I'm not taking him to visit in the jail and I'm not going to, uh, entertain phone conversations where he, he's trying to put stuff in his head. And so I want to just be able to, to, I was thinking, okay, well you can write letters and then when you're 18, we can give them to dad or,

you know, if dad wants to write letters, I'll give them to him when he's 18, but I just want to make sure that he feels like he's being heard because now, you know, his dad is gone. Yeah. So part of the boundary is keeping your kids safe. And if in short order or if over time there is an understanding that if your husband is able to say, or your ex-husband, are you all divorced now? We were never married. Okay. All right. If he is able to say things like,

daddy really messed up big time and I hurt somebody really bad. And so I had to go away. If he takes ownership for the fracture in the relationship, that's the sign that I will entertain some communication. Okay. But if there's some, I got screwed. You see what I'm saying? He needs to own dad and son are not together because of something dad did, not son. Right. And I don't think he's there yet and i don't think he will be for a couple years that's and that's his choice

and and i think in a way to articulate that doesn't mean you get the phone doesn't mean you get um a bunch of visits uh right up front um what you don't want to do is be the person that is so enraged by what he did and so enraged by the embarrassment and the shame and all that stuff and how he blew your life up and blew your son's life up that when he's able to say, this is 100% on me and son, I'm looking at you and I'm proud of you and I believe in you and you're not going to be like me. When he can say those words, those words will be like oxygen in that little boy's lungs. But that also takes a sense of maturity that somebody who hauls off and just kills the neighbor doesn't might not have right right and so i think you're wise to not allow connection right now and i think you're

wise to allow letters and i would allow letters and read the letters and if there's nothing bogus or dumb in them i miss you son and i can't wait to see you someday and all that kind of i don't know yeah i'm thinking out loud. You know what? I'm just an idiot on a podcast. Work with his psychologist on that. I'm angry right now on your behalf. And so it's clouding my judgment a little bit. Because my thoughts right now is that guy deserves to never talk to that little boy

ever, ever again, as long as he lives. And I want that boy to not know that man ever existed, except he can't because it's his daddy. And he probably looks just like him and he saw everything that happened. Yeah. And, you know, if he writes letters and he does take ownership,

then I think that would be a different story. It's just when he has done this and then he talks on the phone about how he wants his mom to get our son to manipulate the testimony, it just, it confuses me so bad because I don't understand how you would, you would, you know, first you've committed this act in front of him. And now you're trying to re-traumatize him and, you know, convince him that he didn't see everything that he saw. Right. Yeah, he used to be as far away from that man as possible. That man's lost the right to have connection with the son. And I'm not saying that's forever,

but that's certainly for the foreseeable future. Try to weaponize a kid after what you did to him. God help you, man. I'll tell you this. It's going to be very easy to go to autopilot. Please fight that with all you can. What that means is you're going to have to feel this and it's going to be unimaginable pain. And I'll tell you, you can't do it by yourself. Do you believe me when I say that?

I do believe you. Okay. So hear me say the greatest gift you can get your son is for you to get a couple of good friends for you to get a counselor for you to get

some friends at your church I don't wherever you've got people and set up a regular time that you can meet and even if it's two or three girlfriends that you text and say

hey I'm going to need to speak openly and to word vomit sometimes and I'm going to need to just speak openly and to word vomit sometimes. And I'm going to need someone to walk alongside me. I've picked y'all two or three or four. If y'all are in every Monday at 10 or whatever,

every Tuesday at whatever time, if y'all will be there for me as often as you can, I'd be eternally grateful. Okay. I can do that. And you keep showing up and you keep showing up and you keep showing up and you keep showing up. And you'll ask each other,

what's one thing you did good for yourself this week? What's one thing you're grateful for? What's one thing you are just devastated, heartbreaking for? Because you're going to have to fight the urge to check out, to just numb through this

because it's going to hurt that bad. And if the defense attorney is doing their job, their job is to make the world believe your 10 year old son is a liar. And it will make you feel and see rage like you've probably never experienced in your life. And if he has a, your son has a good attorney, then their job is to defend him from that nonsense and that evil.

Right. Let me say it this way. Let me say it this way. Everything in your life is different now, and the sooner, imagine your house caught on fire, and all of a sudden the ceiling starts caving in and you put up one hand to try to stop it. And then all of a sudden the beam starts falling over here. And so you reach up over there and then the floor starts bubbling up and you've

got one foot like over, you know, trying to keep the floor up. The sooner you just get out of the house and let it go to ash, which is where it's headed. And then you can start the cleanup process and start imagining what's life going to be like now. It's not any easier, but it's a whole lot less psychological devastation because you don't have, you don't have all that wasted energy trying to hold this thing together. Everything's new now.

Okay. That makes sense. You don't have all that wasted energy trying to hold this thing together. Everything's new now. Okay? That makes sense. And it's okay to be so mad. So mad. And so heartbroken and so everything. That little boy's going to need the word, the nerd word we use is attunement. Attachment. That little boy is going to need the word, the nerd word we use is attunement, attachment. He's going to need to know that his mommy sees his eyes and feels his heart and that he can see her eyes and feel her heart even when her heart is sad.

Okay. Okay. And I keep saying this, I'm so sorry. As y'all head through this process, please, please, please don't hesitate to call. Keep him away from media. Keep him away from well-meaning aunts and uncles. If you do have aunts and uncles come over or friends or whoever, feel free to say.

Do not talk about dad. Don't say you look just like him. Don't say so glad that you're not whatever or nothing he's not mentioned in this house right now the only person with permission to mention dad is is your little boy that's it and we're not gonna keep him yes they keep away from media keep up the good work with him in counseling make sure you take care of yourself I'll be with you every step of the way. Call anytime I can help. I'm so, so sorry. My goodness. We'll be right back.

All right, we're back. Let's go to Robert in Chicago. What's up, Robert? Hey, John. Thanks for having me on the show. Of course, brother. Hope you're doing well today. We're getting there, man. What's up, Robert? Hey, John. Thanks for having me on the show. Of course, brother. Hope you're doing well today. We're getting there, man. What's up? So I was raised Christian growing up, but I've pretty much been an atheist my whole life. Okay.

My wife is also an atheist, but she believes that religion is brainwashing and it's bad. Okay. I disagree with her on this. Actually, I follow scripture and religion and I like hearing about it like on the Ramsey show. I want to send our kids to a private Christian school and maybe church if they're interested in going. So am I doing the right thing? How do I guide them in life but not push them? And how do I approach my wife on Hmm. Feels like there's like five questions. Five questions there.

I'm sorry. So, let me say back to you what I heard, okay? You don't believe in the fairy tale. Somebody's listening to all of your, the Harry Potter parts of the Bible, but you like the structure. You like the morality. You like the, if you follow these rules, you're probably gonna have a better life. If you don't kill people, you're probably gonna have a

better life. If you don't lie and cheat and steal, right? So you like that part of it and you like the structure. Your wife, on the other hand, thinks that's the problem with everything. All the world's ills are because of religious people. Yeah. You got it. Yep, that's it. So why do you want to send your kids there? Because you want them to learn that structure or just because it's comfortable because that's what you know?

Because I want them to learn that structure and I like the conservative background and the good principles that it teaches so what happens if one of your kids comes to you and says daddy will you baptize me in the name of whatever Jesus Christ are you in would you do that oh yeah yeah absolutely okay um and here's why I'm asking that it's a tall order for a kid. What's the right way to say this? I'm struggling with my words. If you send a kid to a private Christian school, they're going to get the Christian message, right?

They're going to get the full package and as a child they as much as our overly sophisticated parents try to make kids which is just so insane what we do to kids these days they will not be able to differentiate as little kids they just won't and what i mean by differentiate they might be able to know like, I don't know if Santa Claus is real, that possibly, but they won't be able to differentiate. I think teacher so-and-so is lying to me. That's where it gets more challenging. Okay. And so if you're sending them just for the structure, but you're going to fight them on the other things they learn and what they, the other things they come to on their own, then I would suggest maybe that's not,

you're going to confuse your kids. If you are sitting them there because, no, man, I want them to hold belief with an open hand and I'm going to honor and support and love whatever they come back with, then I think that's pretty amazing of you and good for you and I'd be all for it. Where are you going to run into problems if mom is trying to torpedo this whole thing? Y'all got to be on the same page. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah.

Is she totally against this? I've mentioned it a couple times. At first, she totally was, But recently I kind of brought it up Really quick and she kind of warmed up To the idea Like hey what do you want I'm at the Starbucks line and by the way Can our kids worship Jesus Christ Lord God and Savior

Ready to go That's pretty much what it was Well done Robert well done Yeah I wouldn't do it like that. Yeah, I would kind of like testing the waters. You're ridiculous. But, but, but, I understand. So, I think it's worth a sit-down conversation.

Have you sat down and had that full conversation with your wife, like you explained to me? No, no, I haven't. Not about your kids, but about you? Yeah, yeah, we've talked about that. Okay. And she still married you anyway? Why?

Because she loves me. Aw. I love lots of people I'm not married to, Robert. Is she going to be okay if your kids come back as believing Christian kids? Yeah, I think she would be. Okay. So, what's your question? I guess, just how do I approach her on this? How should I start the conversation and feel her out on it uh i don't i think you're trying to be awfully

political on a really important topic and so i think honesty and directness and dignity and respect are the approach here not strategies and tactics um i would sit down if I was you and say, okay, they've reached age X. We both don't like what's happening in public schools, partridge in a pear tree, whatever narrative that y'all have talked about there. I drew great benefit from the structure, from the morality, from the kindness, from all those pieces, from this structure. And I want to give our children an opportunity to have that same structure. This is important to me. Would you allow us to give this a shot?

And here's the other thing that I talk to parents all the time about homeschooling and private schools and this and that. And you can always just switch right yeah if your kids come home and say hey i gotta work on my memory verse and your wife just goes into a you know a rage just starts setting the house on fire you can always just put kids back in public school yeah Yeah. Yeah, that's true too. Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Um, I guess my, my other question too was, is how do I guide my kids down this path, but not push them? You know, how do I know when, when they don't want to continue with it? If they're, maybe they won't tell me.

I don't know that they get a vote. That's a lot of pressure to put on a kid. If there's abuse, I'll tell you, in my house, I missed it. We put my kid in a private school. It wasn't a faith-based school. It was just a private school. And they had a lot of beliefs that we had,

like no screens. And they learned math by doing things, like building things and cooking things and things like that. Super hippie school was awesome. What I didn't know is that my son's teacher couldn't stand him. And that he was really struggling with connectivity with students. And I blamed him. And I told him things that I'm ashamed of, like, suck it up. You got to get over it, dude.

You need to quit, fill in the blank. Until one day, my wife had the courage to go down there. And she sat down and talked to everybody. And we had both talked with the different people. But she finally got it. And she picked our kid up and walked out the door. And we have never been back. And so when it comes to, Hey, we're going to this school. I think a lot of times we give kids that

option and that's, that's choices so heavy on them. And it's a burden that I'm not going to put on my kids. Hey, we go to this school. It's the school you're going to. Except if they're being abused. If they're in a situation where the adults in that school don't like my kid, don't want my kid to succeed, want my kid to not be there, then I'm going to gladly,

I'll help you out and I'll take my kid out. Other than that, I'm not going to put them in that situation. So I would tell your kids, hey, we're going to a new school. How old are your kids?

Well, just one right now How old? One Years old? Yep Oh my gosh Lead with that Robert A one year old

One year olds don't even get You especially don't get a vote Until you can poop In a toilet Fair? Yeah that's fair Man I thought your kids were like nine and six or something okay so you have a one-year-old yeah they don't get a vote homie just send them to school okay you are way overthinking this yeah that's what i do yeah how about don't do that man you're going to make yourself nuts

alright if yeah yes just put your kid into school he'll be fine I think you need to be prepared for what happens if are we going to honor our kids belief the same way we expect

other people to honor ours and I say that same thing to my friends who are Christian our kids' belief the same way we expect other people to honor ours. And I say that same thing to my friends who are Christian, whose kids come and be like, I don't know if I buy all of this. I always tell them, you are not a crossroads that the kid just laid before you. Are you going to choose a relationship in the long-term game here? Are you going to choose dogma and be it right now? One of those may cost you your relationship with your kid forever. And I'm not saying parents give up on their belief. Kids, no, you're still going to go to church with me. All that stuff is still going to happen.

But I'm talking about beating kids up over belief, which I've been working at universities my whole life. I've just seen it over and over and over and over again. Parents sacrificing the long-term relationship with their kids

over small battles. And so you and your wife are going to have to be totally on the same page when it comes to that. Because trying to torpedo a three-year-old or a four-year-old with

well you know that's not true i mean that's just man it's just cruel quite honestly yeah and robert he's one one one years old I know that you know this but you've got the rest of his sweet little life to worry about him just put him in school and if you choose a private Christian school fantastic great honor the rules and regulations and honor the spirit

of the place and be supportive of the teachers and be supportive of the teachers and be supportive of the curriculum and don't get mad when they teach things that you don't necessarily agree with because you signed up and sent your kid there or do what I do I send my kids to public school and I have taken ownership in my home of their spiritual direction and the things that they are learning and I'm actually grateful for the stuff that they learn in the public school because they come home and ask me about it. And I get to teach them before they head off into the real world and learn about it and don't have me. They have Google

instead. And so that's just the path I've chosen. I don't know that there's a right or wrong path here other than a mom and dad who are completely and totally attached and attuned to that kid and are willing to sometimes keep their mouth shut and say, that's very interesting. Tell me more about that. What does that look like? I would love to know more. What do you think, Daddy? Oh, I'm not telling you that. That's just for me. I love hearing what you have to say about it.

That's hard. That's the long-term play. Play the long game. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back as we wrap up today's show. This was a heavy show. It was unexpectedly heavy.

And I talked too much in this show. I apologize, man. Hopefully, Sarah can edit it down. These calls, I just kept talking and talking and talking. A couple of them got me in a way that usually calls don't get me, but a couple of these hit pretty close to home. Sorry for rambling so much today's show. Thanks for sticking with us. Man, can't go wrong when things are down with a little JT, Justin Timberlake. Can't stop the feeling. Goes like this.

I got this feeling inside my bones, and it goes electric wavy when I turn it on. All through my city, all through my city, all through my home. We're flying up. No ceiling when we're in our zone. I got that sunshine in my pocket. Got that good soul in my feet. Feel that hot blood in my body when it drops. My body drops. I can't take my eyes off it moving so phenomenally. Outstanding use of the word phenomenally, JT Room on lock, the way we rock it So don't stop I may talk too much, but we'll never stop We'll see you soon, love you guys